Fake Nice Guys, "Romantic" Red Flags, & The Toxic Relationship Obsession, Explained | Compilation - video Dailymotion

The Take Film TV Movie

Joe Goldberg from Netflix's You is a master manipulator and a perfect example of the scariest type of boyfriend: one that pulls you into a seemingly great relationship, only to flip the switch...

Transcript

00:00:00Have you ever been in a relationship that's felt like an emotional rollercoaster?

00:00:04At the beginning, you're being showered with praise, affection, and gifts,

00:00:07from good morning texts to lavish drinks and dinners,

00:00:10and then suddenly, to quote 21st century philosopher Katy Perry,

00:00:14they're hot and they're cold, they're yes and they're no.

00:00:20So what happened? Did you do something wrong?

00:00:23How did your love story dream become a nightmare?

00:00:26Well, what you may have experienced is something called love bombing,

00:00:29and if we take a closer look, we might start to notice that the TV and movie characters

00:00:33who we thought were so lovable and charming are actually doing this too.

00:00:37From self-identified nice guys like How I Met Your Mother's Ted Mosby,

00:00:40to full-on bad guys like Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl and Joe Goldberg from You.

00:00:45But what is love bombing? What are the signs? How does it tie into narcissism?

00:00:50And why is this trope in so many TV shows and movies?

00:00:53If you're on social media at all, you've almost assuredly heard about love bombing

00:00:57in some capacity in recent years.

00:00:59But what does it really mean?

00:01:01As the name implies, love bombing is all about showering, or often smothering,

00:01:06someone with intense amounts of attention and affection in a short span of time

00:01:09in the hopes of getting them to fall in love with you.

00:01:11Those two? Oh, that's easy.

00:01:13It's us. In 30 years.

00:01:15Love bombers are great at reading people, so they can manipulate them

00:01:19and pretend to be their perfect dream person.

00:01:21To the victim, the love bomber at first comes across as exactly what they've been waiting for.

00:01:25Someone who always seems to say and do the right things.

00:01:28And this makes them want to commit.

00:01:30But once this dissipates and the victim tries to express that,

00:01:33they get gaslit into thinking nothing's wrong.

00:01:35And if it is, it's something they did.

00:01:37The abuser isn't falling in love with them,

00:01:40but a controllable, idealized version of them.

00:01:42And when that victim slips up and shows any part of their humanity,

00:01:45we get into the conflict phase.

00:01:47And this doesn't just happen in relationships between two people.

00:01:50It can even happen in groups as we often see in cults.

00:01:53At first appearing loving to pull people into their ranks

00:01:56and then becoming hostile if anyone dares to step out of line.

00:02:00A relationship with a love bomber feels like fast food.

00:02:03The beginning is blissful and addictive.

00:02:05And by the end, you're just feeling sick.

00:02:07Because love bombing is a cycle that begins with amazing shows of love and care

00:02:11and ends with misery.

00:02:13The cycle of abuse has this honeymoon stage where everything is good

00:02:17or in intense situations like in relationships with a narcissist,

00:02:20this is what we call the love bombing stage.

00:02:22After this stage, the perpetrator might begin to show their more controlling side

00:02:26and the mistreated spouse might finally consider leaving.

00:02:29But the manipulator will then work to rope them back in

00:02:32with more grand displays of affection, beginning the cycle all over again.

00:02:36The love bombing stage is so intense

00:02:38that it causes this rush of hormones into our bodies

00:02:42that make us feel like the person's actually going to change this time

00:02:45and that we're actually going to get what we've finally been looking for.

00:02:48Love bombing can tie into narcissism.

00:02:50Narcissists want their victims to get attached to them

00:02:53so they can exploit and control them.

00:02:55And love bombing is an easy way to do that.

00:02:57It is actually threatening to them to know that you're not head over heels for them

00:03:01because they cannot control you as easily.

00:03:04It's important to note that not all grand gestures are love bombing.

00:03:08When people are infatuated with each other,

00:03:10they often genuinely want to pick up on each other's hobbies,

00:03:13take them to special places, and spend a ton of time together.

00:03:16But when this is done with the explicit goal of controlling another person

00:03:19and not to genuinely love them,

00:03:21see their partner as a full human being,

00:03:23and be seen by them as a human being,

00:03:25that's where it becomes love bombing.

00:03:27Film and television are filled with examples of relationships

00:03:30that were, at the time, portrayed as romantic.

00:03:33But looking back, we start to realize that they're anything but.

00:03:37And in more recent years,

00:03:38movies and shows have started really digging into this trope

00:03:41to show how toxic and dangerous these kinds of relationships can be.

00:03:44Let's take a look at some of film and TV's most well-known love bombers

00:03:48across the scope to unpack what media has really been trying to show us with this trope.

00:03:52Let's take Chuck Bass, a textbook narcissist, as an example.

00:03:56As one of the richest high school boys on the Upper East Side,

00:03:59he obviously knows how to give lavish presents

00:04:01to the object of his inconsistent affection, Blair Waldorf,

00:04:04and dole out the cute, if cheesy, compliments on occasion.

00:04:07Something this beautiful deserves to be seen on something unworthy of its beauty.

00:04:12But underneath this exterior lies shady behavior.

00:04:15Remember that time he sold Blair for a hotel and narcissism?

00:04:19If we keep going, we'll both end up dead,

00:04:21and I like myself too much to let that happen.

00:04:24Chuck wants Blair, but only to feel like he's in control

00:04:27of such a powerful young woman,

00:04:29and to keep her from finding happiness with anyone else.

00:04:32Once Chuck and Blair started to get a van following,

00:04:34the writers tried to give him a secret, good, sensitive side.

00:04:37Essentially putting forth the idea that he's treated Blair the way he did

00:04:41because he loved her.

00:04:42Which, no.

00:04:43It's just a game.

00:04:44I hate to lose.

00:04:45You're free to go.

00:04:46Chuck, why did you just do that?

00:04:53Because I love her.

00:04:55It's exactly this kind of framing.

00:04:57The fact that they're treating you horribly is actually proof that they love you.

00:05:00Somehow, that has led to this type of toxic behavior

00:05:03being normalized by so much of society for so long.

00:05:06Even if he claims to love her, he's still mistreating her,

00:05:10stringing her along, and not letting her move on, all for his own ego.

00:05:13And while his abusive father's death makes him see this more clearly,

00:05:17I've been pushing myself to prove me wrong, and I'm pushing you away.

00:05:25It doesn't absolve him of any of his actions.

00:05:28It makes for a tragic story of people in the wrong emotional places at the wrong times.

00:05:33That's why it makes for such good television.

00:05:35But it's also tacitly saying that Blair deserves the treatment she's getting from him.

00:05:40Even though she can be one of the meanest girls in high school,

00:05:42no one deserves being picked up and put down like a broken doll.

00:05:46Gossip Girl was a show that was vilified by parents at the time

00:05:49because it showed teenagers getting up to some pretty bad behavior,

00:05:52which the creative team flipped into a very effective marketing strategy.

00:05:55But what it may have been silently teaching teenage girls is much more nefarious,

00:05:59that in order to have the highs of a relationship,

00:06:02the extravagant necklaces and dates and compliments,

00:06:05they must endure, and in fact, even deserve the lows.

00:06:08Joe from You might not have Chuck Bass's funds,

00:06:11but he takes love-bombing to an extreme in a different way,

00:06:15becoming basically the murderous version of Gossip Girl's social ladder

00:06:18climbing lonely boy Dan Humphrey.

00:06:20At the beginning, Joe seems like a sweet bookseller,

00:06:23a salt-of-the-earth guy who's just unlucky in love.

00:06:25His constant voiceovers paint him as someone very intensely detail-oriented.

00:06:30Based on your vibe, student.

00:06:33Your blouse is loose.

00:06:35You're not here to be ogled, but those bracelets, they jangle.

00:06:39And sure, Joe comes on a little strong,

00:06:41but he does things that seem like a big deal for a boyfriend in New York City,

00:06:45including, gasp, go to Ikea with Beck.

00:06:47Though, even then, he begins to let slip that he's not really the nice guy he pretends to be.

00:06:52Bedroom isn't big enough to fit a king.

00:06:54You're right, it's too...

00:06:56How do you know that?

00:07:01It's New York.

00:07:02At first, the viewer, just like Beck, might see him in this romantic light,

00:07:06and maybe even justify some of his more concerning earlier actions, like stalking.

00:07:11The next thing our little friend the internet gave me was your address.

00:07:14Breaking into her home...

00:07:15When we live together, your place won't be a pigsty.

00:07:18I'll clean for us.

00:07:19...and murdering her erstwhile boyfriends and manipulative friends,

00:07:22all under the guise of protection.

00:07:24Joe continuously monologues about how he's not like other guys,

00:07:28justifying his actions to himself and to the audience.

00:07:32I'm not a bad person.

00:07:33She was going to ruin you.

00:07:35But you're safe now.

00:07:36Thanks to me.

00:07:37But as these bad deeds are ratcheting up,

00:07:39Beck finds all the artifacts that Joe has stolen from her life,

00:07:42including dirty underwear, and they break up.

00:07:45Later, Joe finds out Beck had an affair with her therapist while she was with Joe,

00:07:49and turns on her.

00:07:50Though Beck never asked Joe to intervene in her life,

00:07:53and doesn't even know the full extent of what he did to her,

00:07:56he acts put upon and plays the victim, a telltale sign of love bombing.

00:08:00I've done nothing but dote on you, support you.

00:08:05I know.

00:08:05You paint me out to be this monster,

00:08:07someone who can hurt people, who can do terrible things.

00:08:10But who is the monster here?

00:08:12Joe loves the idea of Beck,

00:08:14a strong, beautiful woman who is a soulful writer and an artist,

00:08:18but he only loves her if he can control her,

00:08:20control everything about the environment they live in,

00:08:23and if she swears total fealty to him.

00:08:25Given all of this,

00:08:26it's easy to understand why actor Penn Bagley

00:08:29seems concerned that some fans of the show are taking away the wrong message

00:08:33and think they're in love with Joe.

00:08:34Have I mentioned that Joe is a murderer and he should not be trusted?

00:08:38Have I mentioned that?

00:08:39The ultra-rich villain and the psychopath serial killer

00:08:41certainly make for good examples of the scariest parts of the love bombing trope,

00:08:45but there are other characters that are much more like people we'd encounter

00:08:48in our everyday lives that help showcase how this type of behavior

00:08:52has been normalized in the real world.

00:08:54Ted Mosby, from How I Met Your Mother at first,

00:08:56just seems like a hapless guy who is looking for love in all the wrong places.

00:09:00It's like, okay, I'm ready.

00:09:03Where is she?

00:09:04But after endless elevator meet-cutes and standing outside in the rain,

00:09:07every time leading to Ted proclaiming that this woman is the one and he must have her,

00:09:13we can start to see that Ted is actually nearly just as delusional and selfish as Joe Goldberg,

00:09:18only in a more societally acceptable and less murdery way.

00:09:22Ted wants to have a sweeping romance so badly that any woman who he can project onto will do,

00:09:27even if she disagrees.

00:09:29She can't say it's not meant to be.

00:09:31It is meant to be.

00:09:32And you know why?

00:09:33Because I mean it to be.

00:09:34He even uses some Joe Goldberg-ian tactics,

00:09:37like stealing and deploying information so a woman will like him.

00:09:40Summer Breeze is my guilty pleasure song.

00:09:42It's been stuck in my head ever since I heard it this weekend at brunch.

00:09:46I love brunch.

00:09:49And later, even stalks a lady.

00:09:51And now, a very single and available Maggie Wilkes is on her way to this very spot.

00:09:56I sent a cab with a female driver so she'd have no other interaction with a man until she got to me.

00:10:01Of course, How I Met Your Mother is a comedy,

00:10:03so all of his weird and creepy behavior is played for laughs.

00:10:06Just like you, Ted is narrating all the episodes,

00:10:09so we're trained to think his perspective is correct, even normal.

00:10:13Plus, he has his adorkable friends all around him, confirming this narrative about himself.

00:10:18A guy called Ted Mosby.

00:10:20A guy who's uncynical and sincere.

00:10:23I believe that deep down, you're still that guy.

00:10:27I am still that guy.

00:10:28There's no better example than his treatment of Robin,

00:10:31who is, spoiler alert, not the titular mother, but is Ted's soulmate.

00:10:36Or so only he thinks.

00:10:38He decides it's love at first sight, but Robin isn't feeling it.

00:10:41He's just looking for something a little bit more serious than I am.

00:10:44I mean, the most I can handle right now is something casual.

00:10:47He convinces Robin to come to a 72-hour party,

00:10:50only to eventually admit he's thrown it just for her.

00:10:53I didn't throw this party to set you up with Carlos, or the one before that.

00:10:56When he finally wears Robin down, and she does agree to go out with him but runs late,

00:11:01he casts Robin aside and takes a girl he just met to the wedding instead.

00:11:04And even when they do start dating, Ted creates more and more deluded,

00:11:09over-the-top romantic gestures with two high stakes that ultimately push Robin away.

00:11:13I need an answer.

00:11:16If you want me to say yes right now, I can't do that.

00:11:20Well, if it's not yes, then it's a no.

00:11:23Only to then claim he loves her just to stroke his own ego.

00:11:27How long have you been hung up on Robin?

00:11:30Eight years?

00:11:31And you're still killing yourself to fetch dumb little trinkets for her.

00:11:34Regardless of if she actually returns his affections,

00:11:37or more importantly to him, returns them to Ted's satisfaction.

00:11:40Just tell me, do you love me?

00:11:44No.

00:11:45After all this repeated jerking around, romantic gesture to rejection,

00:11:49and back over and over again,

00:11:50it becomes hard to swallow that this central couple of How I Met Your Mother

00:11:53was ever supposed to come across as romantic at all.

00:11:56So, if love-bombing is so terrible, often ruining the lives of the victims,

00:12:01why does this trope seem to pop up again and again on screen?

00:12:05Well, the intense and cyclical nature of love-bombing lends itself naturally to television in particular.

00:12:11The beginning of a love-bombing relationship, sure, feels like a movie.

00:12:14A woman getting swept off her feet by a man's words and actions,

00:12:18and the rest of the beats of this kind of relationship also follow the structure of a hero's journey.

00:12:23Basically, where a hero gets into a situation that changes them,

00:12:26like a new relationship, messes them up, like a big fight in a relationship,

00:12:30and brings them to a low point.

00:12:31And then, after learning something about themselves and resolving the conflict,

00:12:35like stopping a victim from leaving by love-bombing them again,

00:12:37returns home.

00:12:38Which happens to look pretty similar to therapist Michelin Maliff's diagram of a love-bombing relationship.

00:12:43So, for a lengthy show like Gossip Girl that thrives on endless drama,

00:12:48it's easy to bring Blair and Chuck together via a grand gesture,

00:12:51have them break up, and then, like magnets, fall back together again.

00:12:55So, the cycle can continue.

00:12:57What this could unconsciously do for people who watch these shows is make them think that

00:13:01if they're not having these kinds of extreme highs and lows in a relationship,

00:13:05that their current one is too boring or that person isn't the one.

00:13:09When, in actuality, their relationship might just be healthy.

00:13:13So, it's great that media is starting to really showcase how incredibly toxic

00:13:17this kind of behavior is with shows like You.

00:13:19Though it seems even murder isn't enough to scare everyone away.

00:13:23But, on the whole, through both these kinds of obviously negative portrayals

00:13:27and more open, honest conversations about real-life love-bombing happening on social media,

00:13:32more and more people are waking up to the reality about these relationships.

00:13:35And, hopefully, this will help people escape them before they get trapped too deep in the cycle.

00:13:40You are him.

00:13:42You are the bad thing.

00:13:45You are the thing that you should have killed.

00:13:48He's not like other guys.

00:13:50He's a nice guy.

00:13:52Sorry, I'm not like a gross guy trying to hit on you or anything.

00:13:54If we look at the nice guy on screen, we can break down the qualities that define him.

00:13:59He's a hopeless romantic.

00:14:00I brought you these, and a poem I wrote for you.

00:14:03The nice guy can be found obsessively pining after a girl,

00:14:06making grand gestures,

00:14:07or jumping way ahead in planning the future of a relationship.

00:14:11I have found the future of Mrs. Ted Mosby.

00:14:13But, much to his chagrin, he's often pegged as friend material

00:14:17instead of as a true boyfriend contender.

00:14:20You waited too long to make your move,

00:14:22and now you're in the friend zone.

00:14:25This obsessive lover boy lives in his head.

00:14:27Well, you know, you're not always one to face things.

00:14:29And frequently struggles to act on his feelings.

00:14:32You can just ask her out.

00:14:34Don't be stupid.

00:14:35But the central irony of the nice guy is that he's not actually that nice.

00:14:40Women never go for the nice guy.

00:14:41Please, men say that.

00:14:42But you get to know some of these men who complain the most.

00:14:44You find out they're not as nice as they like to think they are.

00:14:47He may be the polar opposite of the stereotypical male commitment phobe,

00:14:51but his supposed romantic streak is really just projecting a fantasy

00:14:55onto the woman he likes.

00:14:56They do that thing where they put you on a pedestal and they dote on you,

00:15:00even though you've never expressed any interest.

00:15:02He talks about how girls go for the wrong type of guys.

00:15:05He's gonna use your ass and throw you away!

00:15:07But this rhetoric is usually just an empty cover

00:15:09for wishing he had the ladies' man's confidence in Mojo.

00:15:13Guarda tutte le cose belle.

00:15:15And while he isn't intimidating or threatening on the surface,

00:15:20the unrequited love he's too scared to pursue

00:15:23can lead to a toxic buildup of resentment or bitterness.

00:15:26I don't handle rejection well.

00:15:29Funny, considering all the practice I've had, huh?

00:15:32The wisdom in our culture has long been that nice guys finish last.

00:15:37So how did we end up with a whole subgroup of male characters

00:15:40who are trying really hard to be seen as nice?

00:15:43Here is our take on the nice guy.

00:15:45What's behind his niceness,

00:15:46why he's his own worst enemy,

00:15:48and why, even if some of these guys are frauds,

00:15:51the real thing can still exist.

00:15:56The nice guy himself hasn't necessarily changed all that much over time.

00:16:07But in recent years, there have been huge shifts

00:16:10in the way viewers look at him.

00:16:12For most of history, the male character

00:16:14who relentlessly pursued his love object,

00:16:16regardless of whether she was sure about him,

00:16:18was portrayed as charming and sweet.

00:16:20It's a pity you don't have as much charm as you have persistence.

00:16:23But I have.

00:16:24You've only seen the aggressive side of me.

00:16:26What do you say?

00:16:26Come on.

00:16:29All right, you win.

00:16:30In Fred Astaire movies like Top Hat and The Gay Divorcee,

00:16:34the male leads intense infatuation with,

00:16:36and pursuit of, a woman he doesn't know well

00:16:38is presented as normal,

00:16:40because he's so in love.

00:16:42Peek-a-boo.

00:16:46Stop this cab at once.

00:16:47One of the most definitive examples of the nice guy trope

00:16:50is Ducky in 1986's Pretty in Pink.

00:16:53He's a really nice guy.

00:16:54He harbors an unrequited crush on his best friend Andy,

00:16:57and most of the time is an obnoxious pest,

00:17:00constantly badgering her for attention.

00:17:026.15.

00:17:03Ducky Dale again.

00:17:04You call me okay?

00:17:06Andy, where are you?

00:17:08This is the duck.

00:17:09Give me a call, okay?

00:17:10Uh, it's 6.28.

00:17:12Ducky consistently overlooks what Andy wants,

00:17:16instead thinking he knows what's best.

00:17:18I'll take no for an answer.

00:17:19Try, please.

00:17:20When he finds out that she's interested in dating rich guy Blaine,

00:17:23he tries to shame her out of her crush.

00:17:25You can't do this and respect yourself.

00:17:28Well, I'll make that decision, all right?

00:17:30So ultimately, Ducky's kindness is contingent on a woman

00:17:33living her life on his terms.

00:17:35So when you get your heart splatted all over hell

00:17:37and you're feeling really low and dirty,

00:17:39don't look to me to help pump you back up

00:17:41because maybe for the first time in your life I won't be there.

00:17:45But in spite of all this bad behavior,

00:17:47the original movie ending that writer John Hughes wanted

00:17:50brought Andy and Ducky together at the prom.

00:17:52Test audiences booed this conclusion,

00:17:55suggesting that our culture already had a lower tolerance

00:17:57for the nice guy than filmmakers may have thought.

00:18:00Listen, may I admire you again today?

00:18:0490s and 2000s shows featured nice guy characters

00:18:07pining for their dream woman,

00:18:09but struggling to express this in a healthy way.

00:18:12Take Brian Krakow on My So-Called Life.

00:18:14When he's jealous about Angela's relationship

00:18:16with dreamboat Jordan Catalano,

00:18:18he starts a spiteful rumor that the two had sex.

00:18:21Her and Jordan at Brian's house.

00:18:23Oh my god.

00:18:24Can you believe it?

00:18:25Right in the front yard.

00:18:26Brian watched the entire thing through his kitchen window.

00:18:29Ross Geller on Friends and Ted Mosby on How I Met Your Mother

00:18:32begin their respective series wanting to find the one

00:18:35as soon as possible.

00:18:37I'm done being single.

00:18:38I don't want to be single, okay?

00:18:40I just, I just, I just want to be married again.

00:18:42Both men fixate on a woman they feel is perfect,

00:18:46developing an out-of-control infatuation

00:18:48even though she's not quite on the same page.

00:18:51I don't want to get married right now, maybe ever.

00:18:53After Ross wins his lobster, Rachel,

00:18:56things go sour when she starts establishing

00:18:58a new independent identity and career,

00:19:01leading him to act out in jealous, controlling ways.

00:19:04Can't a guy send a barbershop quartet

00:19:06to his girlfriend's office anymore?

00:19:08It was like you were marking your territory.

00:19:10I mean, you might as well have just come in

00:19:12and peed all around my desk.

00:19:14When these shows were on the air,

00:19:15we were still meant to sympathize with Ross and Ted

00:19:18and root for them to get the girl.

00:19:19So in many of these cases,

00:19:21it's only in looking back that some viewers

00:19:23start to find the nice guy's behavior creepy.

00:19:26If only I knew her schedule,

00:19:27I could arrange a chance encounter.

00:19:29That's great, Ted.

00:19:30You'll be the most casual stalker ever.

00:19:32More recently, though,

00:19:33our culture has turned on this character type,

00:19:36even coining the term nice guy syndrome

00:19:38to describe the wolf in sheep's clothing

00:19:41who performs niceness with ulterior motives.

00:19:44You pretend to be nice and that's worse.

00:19:46It follows that modern nice guys on screen

00:19:48are viewed through a more critical, self-aware lens.

00:19:52Everyone says he's a really nice guy.

00:19:55Good point.

00:19:55That's exactly the problem.

00:19:56Because he's so nice,

00:19:58people don't want to think he's capable of awful things,

00:20:00so they let him off the hook.

00:20:01If you look back,

00:20:02you can find subtle critiques of the nice guy

00:20:04scattered throughout film history.

00:20:06In 1951's A Place in the Sun,

00:20:08our seemingly nice hero wants to be

00:20:10with Elizabeth Taylor's rich, beautiful Angela

00:20:13so badly that he plots to murder his poor pregnant girlfriend

00:20:16to get her out of the way.

00:20:18And there was a moment when you might have saved her.

00:20:20Who were you thinking of just at that moment?

00:20:23And your heart was murdered, George.

00:20:27In 1958's Vertigo,

00:20:29the apparently harmless Scotty,

00:20:31played by Jimmy Stewart,

00:20:32subverting his own nice guy persona,

00:20:34is so fixated on the idea of a perfect,

00:20:37non-existent woman

00:20:38that he obsessively controls an actual girlfriend.

00:20:41The color of your hair.

00:20:43Oh, no.

00:20:44Judy, please, it can't matter to you.

00:20:46And inadvertently causes her death.

00:20:49In 1965's Repulsion,

00:20:51an exploration of female fear of men,

00:20:54nice guy Colin aggressively pursues Carol,

00:20:57even though she doesn't engage with him.

00:20:59Are you plain hard to get?

00:21:00When she won't open her apartment door to see him,

00:21:03Colin breaks it down,

00:21:04justifying this threatening, violent behavior

00:21:07as an expression of his romantic passion.

00:21:11I had to see you, that's all.

00:21:12But when it comes to our modern skepticism of the nice guy,

00:21:15the tide started to turn with 2009's 500 Days of Summer,

00:21:19which was meant to be a deconstruction of the trope.

00:21:22The story looks at how the idealistic Tom

00:21:24projects onto his dream girl Summer,

00:21:26ignoring all the time she tells him

00:21:27that she's not looking for love.

00:21:29I just don't feel comfortable being anyone's girlfriend.

00:21:32I just don't want to...

00:21:34Well, you're not the only one that gets a say in this.

00:21:36I do too.

00:21:37And I say we're a couple.

00:21:38God damn it.

00:21:39Director Mark Webb said,

00:21:40the movie is very intentionally told

00:21:42from the perspective of the guy,

00:21:44and we wanted to identify his shortcomings.

00:21:46He wasn't observing the inner life of the Summer character.

00:21:49He projected on her.

00:21:50We think of that as romantic,

00:21:52but really it's just intellectual laziness.

00:21:55It's Tom's fault.

00:21:55I think that if you really pay attention,

00:21:59Tom's not listening to Summer.

00:22:00When you hear something that doesn't fit into what you wanted to hear,

00:22:04you still have to update your thinking.

00:22:07Still, the movie's intended message

00:22:09didn't stop many viewers from seeing Summer,

00:22:11who herself is a deconstruction of the manic pixie dream girl trope,

00:22:14as the villain who coldly breaks Tom's heart.

00:22:17This popular misreading reveals that,

00:22:19at the time 500 Days came out,

00:22:21Kulture was still biased in favor of the nice guy.

00:22:24That same year,

00:22:25Inglourious Bastards gave us Frederick Zoller,

00:22:28who presents himself as a polite, smitten suitor.

00:22:31It was a pleasure to talk to a cinephile.

00:22:35But the film subverts this,

00:22:37because this guy is a literal Nazi

00:22:39who snaps when Shoshanna turns him down one too many times.

00:22:43Frederick, you made me hurt.

00:22:44Once?

00:22:46It's been a pleasure to see that you can feel something else.

00:22:49Même si c'est juste de la douleur physique.

00:22:52Love, Simon's antagonist Martin also sees himself as a nice guy,

00:22:56though no one else does.

00:22:57He cruelly blackmails Simon.

00:23:00He told me that if I didn't help him get with Abby,

00:23:02he'd out me.

00:23:03But when his romantic grand gesture for his crush Abby bombs,

00:23:06he does out Simon after all.

00:23:08We should all probably be talking about this

00:23:11instead of Martin Addison's homecoming debacle,

00:23:13which was actually kind of sweet,

00:23:15and romantic if you think about it.

00:23:17Netflix's You is the darkest subversion of the trope yet.

00:23:21Bookstore manager Joe creates a perfect nice guy image to win Beck.

00:23:25I mean, you're a nice guy with the,

00:23:28you're remarkable stuff.

00:23:29But he's actually stalking her,

00:23:32tailoring his personality to what he knows about her,

00:23:34and killing off anyone who poses a threat to their relationship.

00:23:38Everything I do, I do to protect you, Beck.

00:23:422020's Promising Young Woman offers a full-on revenge fantasy,

00:23:46in which vigilante Cassie targets fake nice guys

00:23:50she knows will try to take advantage of her.

00:23:52I go to a club.

00:23:54I act like I'm too drunk to stand.

00:23:57And every week, a nice guy comes over to see if I'm okay.

00:24:00You okay?

00:24:01Thus, the movie's takeaway is similar to you.

00:24:04These men who tell themselves they're protecting a woman

00:24:07from the bad people out there

00:24:08are really the ones she needs protection from.

00:24:11You are the bad thing.

00:24:13You are the thing that you should have killed.

00:24:16I am a nice guy.

00:24:17Are you?

00:24:18Ultimately, the nice guy has evolved from the underdog romantic

00:24:21into the villain of our times.

00:24:23I used to think it was something else.

00:24:27That you wanted me to be yours,

00:24:28that you wanted to possess me,

00:24:30but not, it's so much simpler than that.

00:24:33You hate yourself.

00:24:34This shift in popular opinion is largely due to the Me Too movement

00:24:38and a growing awareness of the nuances of male entitlement.

00:24:42As Rebecca Pauly writes for Mashable,

00:24:44you used to be able to shrug aside the nice guy's more stalkery tendencies

00:24:48so the media they appeared in told us

00:24:50because they were just so damn harmless.

00:24:53What can a socially awkward nerd really do?

00:24:56The answer, we now realize, is a lot.

00:24:59If it's creepy to use the internet, military satellites,

00:25:03and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models

00:25:06so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly,

00:25:09then fine, I'm creepy.

00:25:15I'm a nice guy.

00:25:17I'm telling you, say no.

00:25:19I'm going to be there every day at that coffee shop having breakfast

00:25:22until you say yes to me.

00:25:24The nice guy is largely defined by his romantic side,

00:25:27but this character's infatuation frequently takes the woman's desires

00:25:30out of the equation.

00:25:32I just don't think of you that way.

00:25:34I'll try.

00:25:36I'll wait.

00:25:37Romantics like Ross, Ted, Tom, and Ducky are so single-minded

00:25:41and sure they found their soulmates that they don't pause to consider

00:25:44whether their love object feels the same.

00:25:46I'd like to marry her.

00:25:48So ultimately, the nice guy needs to accept that you can't will someone

00:25:51into feeling what you feel.

00:25:52You can love Andy, but that doesn't mean she's going to love you back.

00:25:55What I'm trying to say is you can't make it happen.

00:25:59Downton Abbey offers one of the most interesting cases of this phenomenon.

00:26:02Daisy never feels anything remotely romantic for kind, gentle William,

00:26:07yet she's pressured into marrying him to make him happy.

00:26:10You always said I wouldn't have to marry him when it came to end.

00:26:13Daisy, he's dying.

00:26:16What difference does it make?

00:26:17Nice guy stories tend to send the troubling message

00:26:20that a man's relentless persistence will reward him with the woman in the end.

00:26:25I mean, sometimes persistence pays off.

00:26:27I said yes eventually.

00:26:28This is reflective of a culture where no is often interpreted to mean convince me.

00:26:33What could she mean when she says no?

00:26:37I don't know.

00:26:38It is totally cryptic.

00:26:40This is far from over.

00:26:41On How I Met Your Mother, Ted's whole guiding philosophy

00:26:44is that you should never back off and move on,

00:26:47even when it's completely inappropriate,

00:26:49like when the woman you love is engaged to your friend.

00:26:53And when you love someone, you just, you, you don't stop.

00:26:56Ever.

00:26:57Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy,

00:26:59even then, especially then, you just, you don't give up.

00:27:03The nice guy is the kind of person who bemoans that chivalry is dead.

00:27:06A couple of nice guys would stop being a desirable character trait

00:27:10about half a century ago.

00:27:11But this passion for respecting women may not be all that it appears.

00:27:15Sometimes I swear, I'm the only real feminist you know.

00:27:17I'm wearing this shirt and you won't even let me know!

00:27:20The nice guy often makes romance into a moral issue,

00:27:23so that if a girl doesn't like him,

00:27:26she must just not like being treated well.

00:27:29She rejected romance, honesty, and respect.

00:27:32He expects the woman to be interested in him

00:27:34because of his inner goodness,

00:27:36or because he's so in love with her.

00:27:38But this idea is hypocritical,

00:27:40because the nice guy is usually drawn to his crush,

00:27:43at least in part out of physical attraction.

00:27:45He's not exactly looking around for an awkward girl

00:27:49on his level of the social hierarchy

00:27:50and falling for her just because of the intensity of her feelings.

00:27:55Finally, this character type often builds up a fantasy

00:27:58of his love interest that isn't representative of who she really is.

00:28:02Well, I guess I'm no longer the virgin queen

00:28:04of Dawson Leary's handheld fantasies.

00:28:06You emphasizes how the nice guy lives in his head

00:28:09through Joe's creepy narration.

00:28:11A proposal.

00:28:11Why don't we spend the day together tomorrow?

00:28:14Just you and me.

00:28:15The way his internal monologue refers to Beck as you

00:28:18makes it seem as if he's carrying on a conversation with her.

00:28:22Except that, of course, she's not really a part of it.

00:28:25So in many of these cases,

00:28:27as in Vertigo's early subversion of the trope,

00:28:29the nice guy is in love with a phantom.

00:28:32And as soon as the woman shatters that illusion

00:28:34and asserts her individuality,

00:28:36it's no more Mr. Nice Guy.

00:28:38Either she's an evil, emotionless, miserable human being,

00:28:44or she's a robot.

00:28:52The nice guy may feel victimized by more confident men

00:28:56or beautiful women.

00:28:57Why is it pretty girls think they can treat people like crap

00:28:59and get away with it?

00:29:00Centuries of reinforcement.

00:29:02But the truth is that he is his own worst enemy.

00:29:06The character frequently dims his own light

00:29:08through self-sabotage.

00:29:10You're deliberately flunking your courses

00:29:11so that you can stay in high school.

00:29:13You run yourself down.

00:29:14Why do you do that?

00:29:15In the finale of My So-Called Life,

00:29:17Brian writes a romantic letter to Angela

00:29:19for Jordan to pass off as his own,

00:29:21Cyrano de Bergerac style,

00:29:23and she's blown away by its heartfelt contents.

00:29:26It's like the most incredible letter I've ever gotten.

00:29:29Show creator Winnie Holzman said,

00:29:32It wasn't the Brian that was walking around in life

00:29:34who wrote that letter.

00:29:35He went to this really deep place inside himself,

00:29:38and he wrote from there.

00:29:39That's what spoke to Angela.

00:29:41Holzman's words reveal how Brian has done himself

00:29:43a serious disservice by not showing Angela

00:29:46his true self before this point.

00:29:48Even then, he's hiding behind Jordan.

00:29:50You're using him too,

00:29:52to like express your true feelings towards Angela.

00:29:54And when Angela directly confronts Brian

00:29:56to ask if he wrote the letter,

00:29:57and it's implied that she's developing feelings for him too,

00:30:00he still won't take credit for it.

00:30:03I have to know, because-

00:30:04Know what?

00:30:05There's nothing to know.

00:30:06The Perks of Being a Wallflower makes a similar point

00:30:08in the way Charlie sells himself short

00:30:10by not pursuing his crush Sam.

00:30:12Then why didn't you ever ask me out?

00:30:14I just didn't think that you wanted that.

00:30:16Well, what did you want?

00:30:17On 13 Reasons Why,

00:30:19Clay never musters the courage

00:30:20to tell his classmate Hannah how he feels about her.

00:30:23The show implies that there's a chance

00:30:25it could have helped Hannah to know someone cared.

00:30:28Why didn't you say this to me when I was alive?

00:30:30Which gets at the point that it's not just himself

00:30:33the nice guy hurts by withdrawing.

00:30:35You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours

00:30:38and think that counts as love.

00:30:39And because he's not able to express himself,

00:30:41he may be lacking in emotional intelligence

00:30:43or empathy for those around him.

00:30:45You don't understand people crack out.

00:30:47The nice guy has a tendency to take a passive role

00:30:50in his own life.

00:30:51The pity thing? Not good.

00:30:54If you want crappy things to stop happening to you,

00:30:56then stop accepting crap and demand something more.

00:30:58But by being so self-protective and risk-averse,

00:31:01he lets his feelings fester into self-loathing

00:31:03and ensures that he doesn't get any closer

00:31:06to what he really wants.

00:31:07You know, you probably wouldn't go out with me anyway,

00:31:09but how do I know that for sure

00:31:12if I don't ever ask?

00:31:15So the nice guy needs to develop the courage

00:31:17to face the possibility that his feelings aren't reciprocated

00:31:20and, in confronting this fear,

00:31:22discover that he can survive rejection and move on.

00:31:26If she laughs, she laughs.

00:31:28And if she doesn't love me,

00:31:31she doesn't love me.

00:31:32But if I don't find out...

00:31:35In Pretty in Pink,

00:31:36once Ducky gets over his infatuation with Andy,

00:31:38we discover that this guy is genuinely sweet.

00:31:42It looks stunning, really.

00:31:43It's breathtaking.

00:31:45And encouraging his friend to follow her heart...

00:31:48If you don't go to him now,

00:31:49I'm never gonna take you to another prom ever again,

00:31:51you hear me?

00:31:52...makes Ducky feel good too.

00:31:55So what does a true nice guy look like in our modern world?

00:31:58And how does he differ from the faux nice guy?

00:32:01To all the boys I've loved before's true nice guy,

00:32:04Peter Kavinsky,

00:32:05is that total unicorn who,

00:32:07besides possessing the expected love interest qualities

00:32:09of good looks and self-assurance,

00:32:12is unusually romantic and thoughtful.

00:32:14I even packed the snacks.

00:32:16I asked Kitty where to find those yogurt drinks you like so much.

00:32:21The Korean grocery store is all the way across town.

00:32:23I know.

00:32:24Rather than falling in love with an idea of Laura Jean,

00:32:27he takes the time to listen and get to know who she really is.

00:32:31You're a good listener.

00:32:32Peter respects his partner's desires and boundaries.

00:32:35I don't want to rush you.

00:32:36And he treats her not as the subject of his adoration,

00:32:39but as an active participant in the relationship.

00:32:42Now, you know what?

00:32:43If you want me to read that,

00:32:44then you need to give that to me.

00:32:45On Parks and Recreation,

00:32:46real nice guy Ben Wyatt supports his partner's aspirations 100%.

00:32:51I love how independent my wife is.

00:32:54Championing her instead of trying to control or limit her

00:32:57out of fear she'll slip away from him.

00:32:59Indiana native, supremely qualified,

00:33:02and she wrote that she wanted to be governor

00:33:04in her kindergarten dream journal.

00:33:07These modern examples of true nice guys

00:33:09call back to authentic ones of the past, too.

00:33:12Jimmy Stewart's George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life

00:33:15is the quintessential nice man audiences love

00:33:17because he cares about others,

00:33:19has a sense of community,

00:33:21and makes sacrifices to help people.

00:33:23I got $2,000.

00:33:25Here's $2,000.

00:33:26This'll tide us over to the bank reopens.

00:33:28All right, Tom, how much do you need?

00:33:29Tom Hanks has made a career of playing actual nice guys,

00:33:33and in movies like Splash,

00:33:34that coincided very naturally with getting the girl he loves.

00:33:37So really, it's always been great to be a nice guy,

00:33:40and it still is.

00:33:42What differentiates a real nice guy from the knockoff version

00:33:45is simply authenticity.

00:33:47The faux nice guy's grand gestures

00:33:49can come off as cringeworthy and even manipulative.

00:33:52You'll receive CliffsNotes versions of his thesis-length emails

00:33:55listing the things he sees in you that no one else sees.

00:33:58Or he may expect a prize for acting like a decent person.

00:34:01I went to a lot of trouble to solve your dress problem,

00:34:04and I think I at least deserve to see it on you.

00:34:07But while fake niceness abounds in our world,

00:34:10true kindness sets you apart like a diamond in the rough.

00:34:13And in the end, real nice guys finish first.

00:34:16Are dating red flags romantic?

00:34:19Of course not.

00:34:20But film and TV tend to romanticize totally terrible behavior,

00:34:24to the point that as viewers,

00:34:25we might find ourselves longing for an intense,

00:34:28crazy, unstable relationship like the ones we see on screen.

00:34:31He's getting the car, Al.

00:34:34Get the car, Al!

00:34:35We might expect these portrayals to be more a thing of the past in today's more PC world,

00:34:40but a surprising number of the most popular contemporary shows and movies

00:34:43still end up featuring toxic romances in a fairly glamorous, appealing light.

00:34:48So why is that?

00:34:49For one thing, it's because they're entertaining.

00:34:52Red flags succeed in drawing viewers into these dramatic romances.

00:34:55They create conflict and interesting obstacles to structure the plot around,

00:34:59as the characters have to outgrow their various internal issues to find love.

00:35:03All of which makes sense in fiction, but off-screen?

00:35:06We should be talking.

00:35:07Like normal people.

00:35:09Yeah.

00:35:11Is that so wrong?

00:35:12Here's our take on some red flags that persistently get romanticized in modern media,

00:35:17but should probably send you running for the hills IRL.

00:35:20Did you follow me?

00:35:22I feel very protective of you.

00:35:27So you followed me?

00:35:28I have a fiancé waiting for me at a hotel who's going to be crushed when he finds out what I did.

00:35:42So you make love to me, and then you go back to your husband?

00:35:45While this seems like an obvious turn-off,

00:35:48many on-screen romantic relationships actually begin with cheating.

00:35:51Emily in Paris' sexy neighbor Gabriel pursues a relationship with her

00:35:55even though he's already dating her friend Cammie.

00:35:58Grey's Anatomy's Derek Shepard starts a relationship with Meredith while he's still married,

00:36:02and without telling her this pretty important detail.

00:36:05I'm Addison Shepard.

00:36:08Shepard?

00:36:10And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband.

00:36:13This type of cheating is romanticized,

00:36:15because protagonists like Meredith and Emily are portrayed as the one,

00:36:19and the guy is cheating in the pursuit of true love.

00:36:21But in real life, any guy, or girl, who starts a relationship by straying from his partner

00:36:26is showing that he's untrustworthy, and could easily do the same thing to you.

00:36:30Not taking no for an answer is often portrayed on screen as persistence,

00:36:35a result of all-consuming love rather than harassment.

00:36:38Ryan Gosling's character Noah in The Notebook

00:36:40threatens to commit suicide to convince Allie to go out with him.

00:36:43Will you?

00:36:45Will you not go out with me?

00:36:47God damn, my head's slipping.

00:36:49Okay, okay, fine.

00:36:50I'll go out with you.

00:36:51About times, Tim uses his time-traveling abilities to redo every interaction he has

00:36:56with his love interest Mary in order to become her dream man,

00:36:59never revealing to her that he's basically tricked her into a relationship.

00:37:03Fifty First Dates uses a similar premise to show Henry taking advantage of Lucy's memory impairment,

00:37:08and it's not always persistence on behalf of the men in heterosexual relationships.

00:37:11Carrie in Sex and the City is obsessed with Big,

00:37:15even though he proves time and time again throughout the series that he's a bad choice.

00:37:19How many more times are you going to go through this?

00:37:22He is bad for you.

00:37:23But the show promotes the idea that she can fundamentally change him

00:37:27just because she likes him enough.

00:37:28Presenting this persistence as true love can suggest that a person is entitled to a romantic relationship

00:37:34with the person of their choosing, and as many do-overs as they need,

00:37:37as long as they refuse to give up.

00:37:39And when you love someone, you just, you, you don't stop, ever.

00:37:43Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy, even then, especially then.

00:37:47Often, persistent people in romantic narratives refuse to take no for an answer

00:37:51because they've idealized the person in their head.

00:37:54I can't even send back soup.

00:37:56Well, that's, that's because you're such a sweet, gentle, uh, um...

00:38:01When Ted meets Robin in How I Met Your Mother, he immediately declares how much he loves her.

00:38:06Understandably, because he barely knows her, this freaks Robin out.

00:38:10Idealizing a person so much early on in a relationship, despite being portrayed as flattering

00:38:15and romantic, is usually actually a sign that the person is infatuated with an idea of who

00:38:20they are rather than the person themselves.

00:38:22The half of it explores this problem more critically.

00:38:25When Paul elicits Ellie's help to woo Aster, despite not really knowing anything about her

00:38:29or sharing her interests,

00:38:31What do you like about Aster?

00:38:34She's pretty.

00:38:35This just leads to Ellie forming a connection with the real Aster,

00:38:38while Paul and Ellie also develop a real friendship through the time they spend together.

00:38:43Stalking.

00:38:43Edward from Twilight is famous for romanticizing this trait after he reveals to Bella

00:38:48that he breaks into her room every night to watch her sleep.

00:38:52How did you get in here?

00:38:54The window.

00:38:56Do you do that a lot?

00:38:58Just the past couple of months.

00:39:01I like watching you sleep.

00:39:03In the movie, it's framed as proof of how much Edward loves her,

00:39:06and that he just can't stay away from her.

00:39:08Christian Grey from Fifty Shades of Grey follows Anna to another state

00:39:11after she goes to visit her mother.

00:39:13It's Christian.

00:39:14He's here, um, in Georgia.

00:39:18While this kind of attention is presented as flattering,

00:39:20in reality, it's way over the line and potentially dangerous.

00:39:25Possessiveness.

00:39:26The days of you controlling my life are over!

00:39:29We'll see about that.

00:39:30In The Kissing Booth 2, Elle doesn't immediately reply to Noah's texts,

00:39:34so he phones her school pretending to be her dad.

00:39:37Christian constantly tells Anna she belongs to him

00:39:40and gets jealous when she interacts with other guys.

00:39:42He even tries to regulate whether or not she drinks.

00:39:45You shouldn't get drunk like that.

00:39:47I'm all for testing the limits, but you put yourself at risk last night.

00:39:50And in After, Hardin gets so jealous after another guy tries to kiss Tessa in a game

00:39:55that he starts a physical fight and drunkenly destroys his own house.

00:39:59This kind of behavior reveals a lot of anger and a tendency to treat women like possessions.

00:40:03But on screen, it's often seen as aspirational because it's proof of how deeply the guy cares.

00:40:09Secrecy.

00:40:10When a partner isn't disclosing their full self or is making you lie to your nearest and dearest,

00:40:15this is a sign that something is off.

00:40:17Christian has Anna sign a non-disclosure agreement,

00:40:20preventing her from telling her friends or family about their relationship.

00:40:23It's a non-disclosure agreement.

00:40:26It means that you cannot discuss anything about us with anyone.

00:40:30Sierra Burgess as a loser romanticizes catfishing through having Jamie and Sierra end up together,

00:40:35which justifies this behavior,

00:40:37because Jamie may not have given Sierra a chance without first believing she was someone more conventionally pretty.

00:40:43No, I mean, I get why you did it. I do.

00:40:45And honestly, had we not met the way that we had,

00:40:50maybe I wouldn't have noticed you.

00:40:52Even Mick Young from Crazy Rich Asians, who seems like a great guy in general,

00:40:56totally hides his family's extraordinary wealth from his long-term girlfriend.

00:41:00So your family is, like, rich?

00:41:04We're comfortable.

00:41:05Which, if you think about it, is not very healthy and leaves her completely unprepared to meet them.

00:41:10Age differences.

00:41:11While supernatural age differences are often explained away by the fact that everyone looks young...

00:41:17How long you've been 17?

00:41:22A while.

00:41:23Romanticizing massive age gaps in romantic relationships,

00:41:26especially when one participant is a teenager,

00:41:29can make it feel like dating a much older partner is normal.

00:41:32In particular, student-teacher relationships are idealized.

00:41:36From Ezra and Arya in Pretty Little Liars,

00:41:38to Max and Rafa on The New Gossip Girl,

00:41:41to Archie and Miss Grundy in Riverdale.

00:41:43Do you need me to drive you home?

00:41:46It's the last place I want to be.

00:41:48Hollywood focuses on the thrill and romance of this kind of forbidden love,

00:41:51but the reason these relationships have to be kept secret is that they're inappropriate,

00:41:56or even illegal.

00:41:58Codependency.

00:41:59Edward would rather not live at all than live without Bella.

00:42:02It's an extreme devotion that's framed as symbolizing the truest kind of love,

00:42:06as if the pair's souls are intertwined.

00:42:09But it's also used to justify toxic and self-destructive behavior.

00:42:13We can't be apart.

00:42:15You can't leave me.

00:42:15Tessa moves in with Hardin after only dating him for a few weeks.

00:42:19These kinds of relationships also often exist in a vacuum.

00:42:23In both After and Twilight,

00:42:24the central couple spend so much time obsessed with each other

00:42:27that they don't have any time for platonic friendships.

00:42:30I like my old friends.

00:42:32Well, you never see them anymore.

00:42:33But one of the most important parts of a healthy relationship

00:42:36is maintaining friendships outside of a romantic partner.

00:42:39Even relationships that are acknowledged to be messed up,

00:42:42like Maddie and Nate or Rue and Jules in Euphoria,

00:42:45still can come across as romantic in a twisted sense,

00:42:47because they can't exist without each other.

00:42:50Drama.

00:42:51While it's true that every relationship will have its ups and downs,

00:42:55films and TV shows utilize constant relationship tumult

00:42:58to provide high-stakes entertainment.

00:43:00Edward and Bella dramatically break up in New Moon,

00:43:03only for Bella to save Edward from suicide at the end of the film.

00:43:06He's going to the Volturi.

00:43:08He wants to die too.

00:43:10High-octane drama makes for great entertainment,

00:43:13but having so much emotional volatility in a romantic relationship

00:43:16is actually a huge red flag.

00:43:18Bridgerton's first and second seasons

00:43:20are all about the thrill of watching two couples

00:43:22who think they hate each other

00:43:23realize the intensity of their true feelings,

00:43:26despite coming close to marrying others.

00:43:28You're the bane of my existence.

00:43:31You're the object of all my desire.

00:43:33So, why have these dating red flags persisted in modern media

00:43:42despite societal progress toward gender equality,

00:43:44mental health awareness, and personal wellness?

00:43:47When we watch films or TV,

00:43:49we're searching, above all else, for entertainment.

00:43:51Look at us, we're already fighting.

00:43:53Well, that's what we do.

00:43:55We fight.

00:43:55Relationships that include these dating red flags

00:43:58are much more dramatic than stable partnerships,

00:44:00which may seem more boring precisely because they're healthy.

00:44:03I don't want normal and easy and simple.

00:44:06Love is not supposed to be painful or devastating.

00:44:09The lack of stability in these relationships

00:44:11is addictive for audiences,

00:44:13because we're always waiting to see what will happen next.

00:44:16But in real life,

00:44:17couples who are always breaking up and making up

00:44:19usually have fundamental problems,

00:44:21and that's not a good foundation

00:44:22to build a lasting relationship upon.

00:44:25You're abusive, psychopathic.

00:44:29Most of the time, I really hate the way you make me feel.

00:44:31The problem is that,

00:44:33if we watch too many of these romantic narratives,

00:44:35it might prime us to overlook or misinterpret red flags

00:44:38when we encounter them in real life.

00:44:40As Beck Oakes points out for Vogue,

00:44:42we've become so used to seeing unhealthy relationships on screen

00:44:45that we consider them normal, even aspirational.

00:44:48You're mine.

00:44:49All mine.

00:44:49You understand?

00:44:50We also may be more willing to tolerate

00:44:52or overlook these red flags

00:44:54because films and TV tell us

00:44:55that there's always a happy ending.

00:44:57Despite the numerous red flags

00:44:59that Big shows in the Sex and the City series,

00:45:01he and Carrie still end up together by the show's finale.

00:45:04Carrie, you're the one.

00:45:05And he eventually evolves into the ideal partner.

00:45:08As therapist Sally Baker writes,

00:45:10it gives this message of whatever you have to put up with

00:45:13and however many times you've been let down,

00:45:15frustrated or heartbroken,

00:45:16if you can keep the goal in sight,

00:45:18you'll get your happy ending.

00:45:19Youth-oriented modern-day love stories

00:45:21from Bella and Edward to Tessa and Hardin

00:45:24to Elle and Noah

00:45:25also almost always end in happily ever after,

00:45:28implying that red flags don't really matter

00:45:30in the pursuit of true love.

00:45:31All of this happened just because of,

00:45:35well, you know.

00:45:37There may be some couples

00:45:39that prove it is worth working through the drama.

00:45:41I know I am imperfect,

00:45:43but I will humble myself before you

00:45:45because I cannot imagine my life without you.

00:45:48Normal people's love story

00:45:49between Marianne and Connell

00:45:51feels like an especially convincing portrayal

00:45:53of how young people often make romantic mistakes

00:45:55and hurt each other

00:45:56despite truly loving and wanting to be together.

00:45:59You weren't really replying to my texts at the time, so.

00:46:01Felt somewhat abandoned, Connell.

00:46:03Yeah, I felt a bit abandoned myself, didn't I?

00:46:05You disappeared.

00:46:07But more often than not,

00:46:08in real life,

00:46:09a relationship that's full of red flags

00:46:11will lead to heartbreak,

00:46:12not domestic bliss.

00:46:14Though we love the drama

00:46:15that dating red flags

00:46:16give our films and television shows,

00:46:18is there anything we can do

00:46:19to keep from glamorizing

00:46:21and romanticizing ultimately toxic behavior?

00:46:24In recent years,

00:46:25there have been better examples of relationships

00:46:27that still experience conflict

00:46:29but resolve it in a healthy way

00:46:30and provide a model

00:46:32of how satisfying a romance

00:46:33based on trust and mutual respect can be.

00:46:36Randall and Beth in This Is Us

00:46:37show us an example of a healthy marriage

00:46:39where communication is a priority.

00:46:41Though they don't always agree,

00:46:43they're always honest with each other

00:46:44and willing to compromise.

00:46:46Bridgerton season two has the same emphasis.

00:46:49While it takes Kate and Antony

00:46:50a long time to admit their feelings,

00:46:52especially to themselves,

00:46:53the more emotionally wise people around them

00:46:56urge them repeatedly

00:46:57to be honest about what they really feel.

00:46:58You must be honest with yourself.

00:47:02Because one way or another,

00:47:04these kind of feelings

00:47:04always have a way of coming to the surface.

00:47:07And it's only when they finally brave

00:47:09that vulnerability and communication

00:47:11that they're rescued

00:47:12from their self-imposed suffering.

00:47:14Normal People also follows

00:47:15how Marianne and Connell

00:47:16finally escape their destructive cycle

00:47:18as they learn to more honestly communicate

00:47:20and take better care of themselves.

00:47:22I'll go.

00:47:27And I'll stay.

00:47:28Jake Peralta and Amy Santiago

00:47:34from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

00:47:35start off as rivals,

00:47:37but ultimately find their way

00:47:38into a supportive,

00:47:39communicative relationship

00:47:40which makes both of them better people

00:47:42without pressuring each other

00:47:43to change their fundamental values.

00:47:45And in the

00:47:45To All the Boys I've Loved Before trilogy,

00:47:48homebody Lara Jean

00:47:49is challenged by Peter

00:47:50to move outside her comfort zone

00:47:51in positive ways,

00:47:52like developing more of a social life

00:47:54and expressing her feelings to him.

00:47:56If you want me to read that,

00:47:57then you need to give that to me.

00:47:58They face internal and external obstacles

00:48:00to drive the plot,

00:48:01but none that send weird messages

00:48:02about the kind of appropriate expectations

00:48:04we should hold a potential partner to.

00:48:06Peter respects Lara Jean's boundaries

00:48:08around sex

00:48:09and makes sure she knows

00:48:10there is zero pressure

00:48:11to take their relationship

00:48:12faster than she's ready to.

00:48:14And in the final movie,

00:48:15the couple even go to college

00:48:16on opposite coasts,

00:48:18but their love remains strong

00:48:19because of the solid foundation

00:48:21they've built.

00:48:22That's true romance.

00:48:23While we all love a good rom-com,

00:48:25in recent years,

00:48:26we've also seen the resurgence

00:48:28of a genre on the other side of the coin,

00:48:30the romantic horror.

00:48:32They can be found

00:48:33within a number of subgenres,

00:48:35from psychological thrillers

00:48:36to dramas and beyond.

00:48:37These films take a look at love

00:48:39from a much less whimsical,

00:48:41much more terrifyingly realistic angle.

00:48:44That realism is frightening

00:48:45because nothing is more unsettling

00:48:47than a love story

00:48:48at the heart of a horror movie.

00:48:50From unrequited love

00:48:52to doomed relationships,

00:48:53anti-rom-coms of the horror variety

00:48:56blend the two genres

00:48:57for the ultimate look

00:48:58at the dark side of love.

00:49:00So let's take a look

00:49:02at the rise of this hybrid genre,

00:49:04how it speaks to our very real fears of romance,

00:49:07how even our favorite non-horror rom-coms

00:49:09can sometimes be pretty scary in hindsight,

00:49:11and why we're so attracted

00:49:13to stories about love gone wrong.

00:49:16While it might feel ultra-modern,

00:49:18the overlap of romance and horror

00:49:20dates back to the 18th century

00:49:21with the gothic romance genre.

00:49:24Characterized by atmospheric,

00:49:25haunting settings

00:49:26and brooding characters,

00:49:28these stories blend suspense and terror

00:49:30with the allure of falling in love

00:49:32and having a deep emotional connection

00:49:33with someone.

00:49:34For its time,

00:49:35this was considered a rebellious genre,

00:49:37one that pushed boundaries

00:49:38by exploring the blurred line

00:49:40between love and death,

00:49:42fear and desire.

00:49:43And it was a way of expressing

00:49:44things about society

00:49:46in the 18th century

00:49:47that were repressed,

00:49:49which were sexuality

00:49:50and the fear of death.

00:49:52Hallmark examples include

00:49:53Anne Radcliffe's

00:49:54A Sicilian Romance in 1790,

00:49:56Mary Shelley's Frankenstein in 1818,

00:49:59Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre in 1847,

00:50:02and Daphne du Maurier's Rebecca in 1938.

00:50:05These novels challenged societal norms,

00:50:08looking deeper into the complexities

00:50:09of human nature

00:50:11and the enticing notion

00:50:12of the supernatural and unknown.

00:50:15It is a monstrous love,

00:50:17and it makes monsters of us all.

00:50:21We can still find gothic horror and romance

00:50:23in plenty of contemporary storytelling.

00:50:26Mike Flanagan's adaptation

00:50:27of Shirley Jackson's

00:50:28The Haunting on Hill House

00:50:29mostly focuses on familial love,

00:50:31The Cranes lose their matriarch

00:50:34and years later their sister Nell,

00:50:36a tragic character

00:50:37who also grieved

00:50:38the sudden loss of her husband.

00:50:39His follow-up,

00:50:40The Haunting of Bly Manor,

00:50:42had multiple doomed relationships,

00:50:44Danny and Jamie,

00:50:45Hannah and Owen,

00:50:46Peter and Rebecca,

00:50:47Henry and Charlotte,

00:50:48all of which ended in tragedy.

00:50:50If you can't feel anything,

00:50:54then I'll feel everything

00:50:55for the both of us.

00:50:57Supernatural romances

00:50:58between humans and vampires,

00:51:00werewolves,

00:51:00reanimated corpses,

00:51:01and zombies have seen different trends

00:51:03over the centuries,

00:51:04and the allure of seductive,

00:51:06mysterious creatures

00:51:07has stood the test of time.

00:51:09But for those looking

00:51:10for different kinds of stories,

00:51:11ones that still bridge

00:51:12the gap of horror and romance,

00:51:14but comment on the perils

00:51:15of modern relationships,

00:51:17a new kind of genre blending

00:51:19is on the rise.

00:51:20No matter how much we love

00:51:22romantic comedies and dramas,

00:51:23when we look at them in retrospect,

00:51:25many have plots that sound like

00:51:27they could be horror movies.

00:51:29Since its release,

00:51:30Christmas rom-com Love Actually

00:51:31has been scrutinized

00:51:33for its casual depiction

00:51:34of stalking, infidelity,

00:51:36and questionable power dynamics.

00:51:38Beloved classic The Notebook,

00:51:40based on the Nicholas Sparks novel

00:51:41of the same name,

00:51:42captivated audiences

00:51:43when it came out in 2004,

00:51:45and continues to be a favorite

00:51:47among romance fans.

00:51:48But looking back,

00:51:49Noah's persistent pursuit of Allie,

00:51:51a girl who isn't interested in him,

00:51:53is pretty creepy.

00:51:54They only go on a first date

00:51:56because he threatens to end his life.

00:51:58Then they have an on-off romance

00:52:00for decades,

00:52:01where they constantly fight.

00:52:03Stalking and harassment

00:52:04have been staples

00:52:04in several rom-coms and dramas,

00:52:07not to mention movies

00:52:08about manipulating people

00:52:09who have amnesia.

00:52:10And even though it's perfectly fine

00:52:11to still love them,

00:52:12their romanization of predatory behavior

00:52:14is finally being called out.

00:52:16I mean, if you just turn off

00:52:18the sappy music

00:52:19and turn on, like,

00:52:20a David Fincher score,

00:52:22romantic comedies

00:52:22are stalker movies.

00:52:23Romantic comedy behavior

00:52:24in real life is criminal.

00:52:26Author Caroline Kepnes' novel series

00:52:28You and the TV series

00:52:30digs into the psychology

00:52:31of bookstore owner Joe Goldberg,

00:52:34a self-described romantic

00:52:35who stalks women

00:52:36in the name of love.

00:52:38Even when he found someone

00:52:39who had similar killer instincts

00:52:41and obsessive tendencies,

00:52:42he was so repulsed by her behavior

00:52:44that he couldn't love her

00:52:46or let himself love a monster.

00:52:48But his relentlessness

00:52:49and deep devotion to his targets

00:52:51comes off attractive to some viewers

00:52:53who find the lengths he'll go

00:52:55to protect someone to be romantic.

00:52:57There's not a line in the world

00:53:00that I wouldn't cross for you.

00:53:02I didn't ask you to swoop in for me.

00:53:04You did. Your life was a mess.

00:53:05Yes, but it was my life.

00:53:07With modern audiences

00:53:08being more genre-savvy,

00:53:10horror anti-rom-coms

00:53:11like to lure us in

00:53:12with familiar tropes

00:53:14meet-cutes, grand gestures,

00:53:15love triangles, enemies to lovers,

00:53:17and play on our expectations.

00:53:19They tap into our very real fears

00:53:21when it comes to dating.

00:53:22There's always the chance

00:53:23that nice guy is actually a serial killer.

00:53:27In Fresh, Noah has a standard

00:53:29meet-cute with Steve,

00:53:30a charming surgeon who appears

00:53:32to be similarly disillusioned

00:53:33with dating.

00:53:34He does everything right,

00:53:35taking her on dates

00:53:36and not pressuring her into sex.

00:53:38She feels they have a real connection,

00:53:40and when he suggests

00:53:40a romantic getaway, she accepts.

00:53:42Her friend Molly

00:53:43sees the red flags right away.

00:53:45He has no social media presence

00:53:47and wants to whisk her away

00:53:48to a surprise destination.

00:53:50But these days,

00:53:51someone not chronically online

00:53:53who seemingly likes old-fashioned romance

00:53:56can seem appealing.

00:53:57Those red flags, however,

00:53:58turned out to be telling.

00:54:00Noah wakes up in restraints,

00:54:02and the horrifying reality

00:54:03of the situation hits her.

00:54:05No, this isn't happening.

00:54:07Yeah, it's happening.

00:54:08This isn't happening.

00:54:09Yes, it is.

00:54:11Please, please, please, please.

00:54:13This is a joke.

00:54:14Instead of being a love story,

00:54:16Fresh is a horror story

00:54:17that highlights

00:54:18the strong relationship

00:54:19between friends,

00:54:20as Molly puts herself

00:54:22in harm's way

00:54:22to try to save her friend.

00:54:24Rejection is another catalyst

00:54:25in horror anti-rom-coms,

00:54:27showing how obsession

00:54:28and unrequited love

00:54:29can lead to terrifying scenarios.

00:54:32Unfortunately,

00:54:32there are plenty

00:54:33of real-life examples

00:54:34of this phenomenon,

00:54:35since women and girls

00:54:36responding negatively

00:54:37to unwanted advances

00:54:39can often put them

00:54:40in a vulnerable,

00:54:41dangerous situation.

00:54:42The 1996 thriller Fear

00:54:44takes the intensity

00:54:45of young love,

00:54:46or lust,

00:54:47to a sinister level.

00:54:49Teenager Nicole,

00:54:50played by Reese Witherspoon

00:54:51before her days

00:54:52as a rom-com heroine,

00:54:54meets and falls for David,

00:54:55who quickly makes

00:54:56a bad impression

00:54:56with her father

00:54:57by keeping her out late

00:54:58and becoming

00:54:59increasingly possessive.

00:55:00The plot unfolds

00:55:01into what some critics

00:55:02considered outlandish territory,

00:55:05but David's violent actions,

00:55:06attacking Nicole's male classmate

00:55:08and assaulting her friend Margo,

00:55:10among other things,

00:55:10aren't that far-fetched.

00:55:12We have something

00:55:13that everybody wants,

00:55:15but nobody has.

00:55:17You can't let them

00:55:18take that away from us, Nicole.

00:55:20Movies often explore

00:55:21the other end

00:55:22of the spectrum as well.

00:55:24Fatal Attraction

00:55:24is a prime example

00:55:26of an unhinged woman

00:55:27refusing rejection

00:55:28and going to extreme lengths

00:55:30to either force a relationship

00:55:31or seek revenge.

00:55:33The titular character

00:55:34in Pearl

00:55:35dreams of becoming a star,

00:55:37someone loved by all.

00:55:38When she brings

00:55:39the handsome projectionist

00:55:40she's slept with

00:55:40back to her home,

00:55:41he is almost immediately

00:55:42put off by her behavior.

00:55:44But as he tries to gently,

00:55:46if abruptly,

00:55:47let her down,

00:55:47she flies into a rage.

00:55:49Why are you leaving me?

00:55:50If I didn't do anything wrong,

00:55:52I don't understand that,

00:55:53so you like me!

00:55:54I do like you,

00:55:55I just...

00:55:55Tell me the truth!

00:55:56You're scaring me, Pearl.

00:55:58And as we see

00:55:59in other parts of the movie,

00:56:00people who even indirectly

00:56:01get in the way

00:56:02of Pearl's happiness

00:56:03don't survive.

00:56:04Aussie horror flick

00:56:05The Loved Ones

00:56:06is one of the most recent

00:56:07and brutal examples

00:56:08of rejection

00:56:09taken to the extreme.

00:56:11Often described

00:56:11as prom night meets hostile,

00:56:13the film sees

00:56:14high schooler Lola Stone

00:56:15as she asks Brent to prom.

00:56:17Already planning to go

00:56:18with his girlfriend,

00:56:19he politely declines.

00:56:21Later, he's knocked out

00:56:22and kidnapped by Lola

00:56:23and her equally creepy father,

00:56:25who tie him up

00:56:26in their home

00:56:26that's decorated

00:56:27so they can have

00:56:28their own twisted night

00:56:29to remember.

00:56:30We learn that he is

00:56:31just the latest victim

00:56:32of the depraved

00:56:33father-daughter duo.

00:56:35Brent, who's already traumatized

00:56:37and contemplated

00:56:38taking his own life,

00:56:39is tortured

00:56:39and nearly lobotomized.

00:56:41He manages to eventually

00:56:42break free,

00:56:43attack his sadistic captors,

00:56:44and get home

00:56:45to his mom and girlfriend.

00:56:46While incredibly brutal,

00:56:48the movie still has heart.

00:56:49Brent's love for them

00:56:50motivates him to survive.

00:56:51Even after the initial dating phase,

00:56:54entering a new relationship

00:56:55is as exciting

00:56:55as it is terrifying.

00:56:57You're surrendering your heart

00:56:58to someone,

00:56:59entrusting them not to hurt you

00:57:01emotionally or physically.

00:57:03But horror anti-rom-coms

00:57:05pose the question,

00:57:06how well can you ever

00:57:07really know someone?

00:57:09In Get Out,

00:57:10Chris Washington finds out

00:57:11his girlfriend and her family

00:57:12are more than just wealthy.

00:57:14They're in the business

00:57:15of kidnapping black people,

00:57:16auctioning off their bodies,

00:57:18and implanting the brains

00:57:19into white people

00:57:20who desire their traits

00:57:21and talents.

00:57:22Rose and Chris's relationship

00:57:23was all a big lie.

00:57:24He was merely her project

00:57:26intended for a sadistic legacy.

00:57:30You know I can't give you

00:57:31the keys, right babe?

00:57:32You were one of my favorites.

00:57:34These types of betrayals

00:57:35are at the center

00:57:36of many modern horror

00:57:37and good for her movies

00:57:39like Ready or Not,

00:57:40which sees a new bride

00:57:41discovering that the family

00:57:42she just married into

00:57:43is way more messed up

00:57:44than she thought.

00:57:45Adhering to the La Doma's

00:57:47tradition of playing games

00:57:48with new family members,

00:57:49Grace draws the hide-and-seek card.

00:57:52But their version of the game

00:57:53has deadly consequences,

00:57:55all of which her brand new husband

00:57:56was well aware of beforehand.

00:57:58Our final girl survives the carnage,

00:58:00watches the family literally explode

00:58:02for not sacrificing her by dawn,

00:58:04and has the satisfaction

00:58:05of throwing the ring in Alex's face

00:58:08before he perishes.

00:58:09Oh, Alex.

00:58:11Yeah.

00:58:14I want a divorce.

00:58:16Aaron in Your Next

00:58:17has a somewhat similar experience

00:58:19when she visits her boyfriend

00:58:20Crispian's family.

00:58:22He and his siblings plan to kill

00:58:23their parents and inherit their money.

00:58:25But the plan goes south

00:58:26because just like Aaron didn't know

00:58:27she was dating someone

00:58:28who could do this,

00:58:30Crispian didn't know his girlfriend

00:58:31was a badass survivalist

00:58:33who'd take down everyone.

00:58:34Had you reacted, um, normally,

00:58:37my parents and siblings

00:58:38would have been killed.

00:58:40You'd have been untouched,

00:58:42and we'd be rich.

00:58:42She may not have a wedding ring

00:58:44to throw, but she had a knife.

00:58:46Breakups are at the center

00:58:47of many a rom-com.

00:58:48Either the couple gets back together,

00:58:49or they find someone

00:58:50who's a better match.

00:58:51Or better yet,

00:58:52they embrace being single.

00:58:54But in horror,

00:58:55the end of a relationship

00:58:56takes on a different level

00:58:58of heartache.

00:58:58While writing Midsommar,

00:59:00Ari Aster was recovering

00:59:01from a bad breakup

00:59:02and set out to make a movie

00:59:03that captured the

00:59:04catastrophic feeling.

00:59:06I think if there is

00:59:07any legacy for the film,

00:59:08I would love for it to be

00:59:09a movie that people go to

00:59:10when they're going

00:59:11through a breakup.

00:59:11Even in just the first few minutes,

00:59:13we realize Danny and Christian

00:59:14should have ended

00:59:15their unhealthy relationship

00:59:17a long time ago.

00:59:18But after the shocking deaths

00:59:19of her parents and sister,

00:59:21the couple decides

00:59:22to stay together.

00:59:23Christian continues

00:59:23being emotionally abusive

00:59:25and distant,

00:59:25while Danny's codependence

00:59:27and recent trauma

00:59:28keep her from letting go.

00:59:29When they go to Sweden

00:59:30with his friends,

00:59:31they are each ensnared

00:59:32by the Harga cult,

00:59:33and their relationship

00:59:34ends with her smiling

00:59:36as he dies a fiery death.

00:59:39Whether they're being chased

00:59:40by silent slashers

00:59:41or nocturnally tortured

00:59:42by dream demons,

00:59:43it's always satisfying

00:59:44to see final girls

00:59:46triumph in the face of evil.

00:59:47When it comes to the protagonists

00:59:49in anti-rom-coms,

00:59:50they're trying to survive

00:59:51the violent wrath

00:59:52of boyfriends,

00:59:53spouses,

00:59:54or stalkers

00:59:55they don't even know exist

00:59:56or sometimes can't even see.

00:59:582020,

00:59:58The Invisible Man

00:59:59put a new spin

01:00:00on the original

01:00:01universal horror classic,

01:00:02centering the story

01:00:03on a woman escaping

01:00:04an abusive relationship.

01:00:06In the opening scene,

01:00:07Cecilia flees the home

01:00:08she shares with her boyfriend,

01:00:09Adrian,

01:00:10but even when she's

01:00:11seemingly safe

01:00:11and out of his grasp,

01:00:12he stages his death

01:00:14and begins terrorizing her

01:00:15while going undetected

01:00:17in an invisible bodysuit

01:00:19he engineered.

01:00:20While it's incredibly frustrating

01:00:21to watch her family

01:00:22and friends question her sanity

01:00:24instead of believing her,

01:00:25thankfully,

01:00:26she comes out victorious

01:00:27in the end,

01:00:28killing Adrian

01:00:28with his own creation.

01:00:29Being trapped

01:00:30in a controlling relationship

01:00:31is a legitimate,

01:00:32understandable fear,

01:00:33and seeing women

01:00:34take back control

01:00:35of their lives

01:00:36and sense of self

01:00:37will forever be cathartic.

01:00:39The days of you

01:00:40controlling me are over.

01:00:42Anti-rom-coms

01:00:43and horror in general

01:00:44may not necessarily

01:00:45be the most respected genres,

01:00:47but there's no doubt

01:00:48audiences crave

01:00:49these stories of terror

01:00:50and romance.

01:00:52Just look at the projects

01:00:53premiering in 2025.

01:00:54Companion is about

01:00:55a robot gaining autonomy

01:00:57over her boyfriend-slash-creator.

01:00:59Heart Eyes,

01:01:00a Valentine's Day slasher

01:01:01that sees two young people

01:01:02falling in love

01:01:03as they outrun a killer

01:01:04and Drop,

01:01:06a quintessential anti-rom-com

01:01:08about the dangers

01:01:08of dating apps.

01:01:09Of course,

01:01:10there are thrillers

01:01:10and horror movies

01:01:11that do have light

01:01:12outshining darkness,

01:01:14the power of genuine love

01:01:15prevailing despite the odds.

01:01:17Still,

01:01:17there's a relief

01:01:18knowing that it's okay

01:01:19to admit that sometimes

01:01:20we're terrified of love,

01:01:22and that doesn't

01:01:23make us crazy.

01:01:24With Yu's fourth season,

01:01:26the stalker

01:01:26has become the stalked.

01:01:28The season has begun

01:01:29with a lot of the hallmarks

01:01:30of the previous three seasons,

01:01:32Joe Goldberg assuming

01:01:33a new identity

01:01:34and trying to hide

01:01:35in plain sight,

01:01:36while insisting

01:01:37he has left

01:01:38his murderous ways

01:01:39behind him.

01:01:40But this time,

01:01:41it feels like the target

01:01:42is on his back

01:01:43from the very start.

01:01:44And part of this

01:01:45is because this is

01:01:46one social group

01:01:47he can't blend into.

01:01:48It's one thing

01:01:49trying to be a Brooklyn hipster

01:01:50or a clean-living LA type

01:01:52or a suburban dad,

01:01:54but with the English upper class,

01:01:55if you're not born into it,

01:01:57you'll soon get found out.

01:01:58You've found someone new

01:01:59to bully, have you?

01:02:01Oh, come on.

01:02:02If he can't take it,

01:02:03he really is a worthless

01:02:04bag of mush.

01:02:05Here's our take

01:02:06on Yu's fourth season,

01:02:07how Joe's new European

01:02:09surroundings becomes

01:02:10its sharpest ever critique

01:02:11of class,

01:02:12and how the show

01:02:13keeps getting us

01:02:14to empathize

01:02:15with this serial killer.

01:02:16Spoilers for the first half

01:02:18of season four ahead.

01:02:23So where does

01:02:24the mid-season finale

01:02:25leave off?

01:02:26After Joe plays Sherlock

01:02:27for the first four episodes,

01:02:29the eat-the-rich killer

01:02:30unveils himself

01:02:31to be Rhys Montrose.

01:02:33It's an attempt

01:02:33to bring Joe

01:02:34onto his side

01:02:35and pin the murders

01:02:36on the masochistic Roald,

01:02:37who for a minute

01:02:38did look like

01:02:39he was about to murder Joe.

01:02:41Of course,

01:02:41because Joe doesn't

01:02:42take the bait

01:02:43and does escape

01:02:44from the burning building,

01:02:45now he's in a bigger bind

01:02:47than ever,

01:02:47with the real killer

01:02:48about to run

01:02:49for the mayor of London

01:02:50while simultaneously

01:02:51framing him.

01:02:52If you're clever enough

01:02:53to get yourself free,

01:02:54I'll see you back

01:02:55in London

01:02:55and we can revisit these.

01:02:57The choice of Rhys

01:02:57as the killer

01:02:58is significant

01:02:59because he has experience

01:03:00of both elite privilege

01:03:02and a hardscrabble upbringing.

01:03:04At its core,

01:03:05you has always been

01:03:06about class.

01:03:07Joe Goldberg

01:03:08is the poor kid

01:03:09who's been able

01:03:09to use his obvious intellect

01:03:11as a way to blend in

01:03:12with people whose lives

01:03:13are very different to his.

01:03:15And for the most part,

01:03:16it's worked.

01:03:17But here,

01:03:17the gap is so wide

01:03:18that it's impossible

01:03:19for him to even attempt

01:03:20such a transformation.

01:03:21And this dividing line

01:03:28is played out

01:03:28in reactions

01:03:29to the season's

01:03:30murders themselves.

01:03:31The Eat the Rich Killer

01:03:33moniker is coupled

01:03:34with the scenes

01:03:34of young students

01:03:35holding placards

01:03:36and marching

01:03:37through the streets.

01:03:38All of a sudden,

01:03:38there's a spirit

01:03:39of vigilantism

01:03:40being stirred up

01:03:41with scenes evoking

01:03:42films like V for Vendetta,

01:03:44all of which is buoyed

01:03:45by the fact that

01:03:46each of the rich elites

01:03:47Joe finds himself

01:03:48mixed up with

01:03:49is uniquely awful,

01:03:50completely divorced

01:03:51from reality

01:03:52and, in the case

01:03:53of American expat

01:03:54Adam Pratt,

01:03:55deriving fetishistic pleasure

01:03:57from the gulf in class.

01:03:59It's about the person

01:04:00being beneath me,

01:04:02but then at this moment,

01:04:05they're above you.

01:04:07With season four's focus

01:04:08on the rich elite,

01:04:09it carries on

01:04:10from where the previous

01:04:11seasons left off,

01:04:12and it also builds

01:04:13on a bigger discussion

01:04:14we're seeing

01:04:15in much of today's

01:04:15most thought-provoking

01:04:17film and TV.

01:04:17From Eat the Rich satires

01:04:19like The Menu

01:04:20and Triangle of Sadness

01:04:21to shows that give us

01:04:22a glimpse into rich people's

01:04:24dirty business

01:04:25like Succession

01:04:26and White Lotus

01:04:27to mysteries

01:04:27that turn the tables

01:04:29on the rich

01:04:29like Glass Onion

01:04:30in the first,

01:04:31Knives Out.

01:04:32This rich people shit

01:04:33is weird.

01:04:33In the middle of You's

01:04:34take on this

01:04:35anti-elite discussion

01:04:36is Kate Galvin,

01:04:38and really,

01:04:38it's through her

01:04:39that you get one

01:04:40of the biggest indictments

01:04:41of that class,

01:04:42where all the other

01:04:43rich characters

01:04:43are pretty unlikable,

01:04:45with perhaps the exception

01:04:46of Lady Phoebe,

01:04:46who just seems kinda naive,

01:04:48Kate is presented

01:04:49as more complex.

01:04:51She's the only one

01:04:51we see who feels

01:04:52uncomfortable with her

01:04:53privilege and scathing

01:04:55of the place it comes from.

01:04:56My father is the worst

01:04:58man alive,

01:04:58and I'm his favorite daughter.

01:05:01And through her,

01:05:02we also see the

01:05:03sometimes damaging effect

01:05:05that being born into this

01:05:06class can have

01:05:07on who you become.

01:05:08Everyone else's

01:05:09empathy deficit

01:05:10manifests in spoiled

01:05:11entitlement

01:05:12and the belittlement

01:05:13of anyone around them

01:05:14who isn't at their

01:05:15social level.

01:05:16For Kate,

01:05:16it manifests in a deep

01:05:18disconnect from herself,

01:05:19and not a belittlement

01:05:20of others,

01:05:21but an innate suspicion

01:05:22of them

01:05:22and of their motives.

01:05:23Why would you even care?

01:05:25What if I just do?

01:05:27It's an important trick,

01:05:28because not only

01:05:29does it support the show's

01:05:30central critique

01:05:31of the upper class,

01:05:32but it also shows

01:05:33how even its own members

01:05:35can be victims.

01:05:36Kate is steely,

01:05:37stoic, and tough,

01:05:38but ironically,

01:05:39this is what makes her

01:05:40vulnerable,

01:05:40because she's aware of it.

01:05:42Her upbringing may have

01:05:43been privileged,

01:05:44but it was also traumatic,

01:05:45and she's still

01:05:46working through that.

01:05:47When I was young,

01:05:48my mother forbade me

01:05:51from crying.

01:05:52Hide.

01:05:53All feeling.

01:05:55This became default.

01:05:56So how does the killer,

01:05:58Rhys Montrose,

01:05:59fit into all this?

01:06:00Is his grab for power

01:06:01at the end of the fifth episode

01:06:02signaling that he's going

01:06:03to try and upend society

01:06:05and take the rich down

01:06:06once and for all?

01:06:07Or has that power

01:06:08already begun to corrupt him?

01:06:10And now that Joe knows

01:06:11who the killer is,

01:06:12does that put an even

01:06:13bigger target on his back?

01:06:18The biggest shift

01:06:19in this season of You

01:06:20is its move

01:06:21into whodunit territory.

01:06:23And given the location,

01:06:24this kind of makes sense.

01:06:25All of a sudden,

01:06:26Joe is bolt holed

01:06:27in a bougie London apartment,

01:06:28not too dissimilar

01:06:29or too far away

01:06:31from 221B Baker Street.

01:06:33He's grown his hair

01:06:33to a Benedict Cumberbatch-esque level

01:06:35and is studying the works

01:06:37of Agatha Christie

01:06:38to try and give himself

01:06:39an edge on who the killer is

01:06:41and why he wants to frame him.

01:06:42It is a formula,

01:06:43but the formula is fun.

01:06:45It draws you in.

01:06:46It hides the social commentary

01:06:48under the puzzle.

01:06:48So beyond class,

01:06:50what is the other social commentary

01:06:51that You is hiding?

01:06:53The show has always engaged

01:06:54with the contemporary explosion

01:06:56of the true crime genre.

01:06:58When it first came out,

01:06:59Penn Badgley was all over Twitter

01:07:00insisting people stop thirsting

01:07:02over his psychopathic stalker.

01:07:04But that in itself acted

01:07:06as a commentary on the fascination

01:07:07people had and still have

01:07:09with serial killers

01:07:10like Jeffrey Dahmer

01:07:11and Ted Bundy,

01:07:12who are often presented

01:07:13by true crime

01:07:14as these brooding,

01:07:15tortured, charismatic individuals.

01:07:17I find it absurd

01:07:19to ask for mercy

01:07:20for something that I did not do.

01:07:22But here, You is coming at the genre

01:07:24from a different angle

01:07:26and offering an important critique.

01:07:28True crime has turned us all

01:07:29into amateur sleuths

01:07:30and arguably is one of the

01:07:32contributing factors

01:07:32in the revival

01:07:33of the murder mystery genre.

01:07:35Films like Knives Out

01:07:36and Glass Onion,

01:07:37remakes of Christie classics

01:07:38like Death on the Nile

01:07:39and Murder on the Orient Express,

01:07:41as well as series like

01:07:42The After Party

01:07:42and Search Party

01:07:43all follow a formula

01:07:45that Joe is trying to get

01:07:46underneath the hood of here.

01:07:48But despite him having

01:07:49all the tools,

01:07:50he keeps going down blind alleys

01:07:52and taking us with him

01:07:53as he fails.

01:07:55Nadia was right.

01:07:56The first suspect

01:07:57is usually the second victim.

01:07:59So much for my

01:08:00one-off murder theory.

01:08:01So the season is performing

01:08:03a delicate, skillful balancing act.

01:08:05On the one hand,

01:08:06it's playing with all the conventions

01:08:07of the whodunit genre,

01:08:09even sending all the suspects

01:08:10off to a big secluded mansion

01:08:12in the woods

01:08:12where you know something bad

01:08:14is going to happen.

01:08:15On the other,

01:08:16it's showing the problem

01:08:17of trying to apply

01:08:18these literary tropes

01:08:19to real-life situations,

01:08:21as we are so often guilty of doing

01:08:22when watching

01:08:23unsolved murder documentaries.

01:08:25Joe doesn't figure out

01:08:26that Reese is the killer.

01:08:27Reese reveals it himself.

01:08:29No, Joe.

01:08:30And since Reese

01:08:31is made into an ally of sorts

01:08:32for Joe,

01:08:33a fellow outsider,

01:08:34fellow literary enthusiast,

01:08:36and potentially a fellow psychopath,

01:08:38for the first time in the show,

01:08:39we aren't sure

01:08:40who is controlling the narrative.

01:08:42Joe might be the one telling the story,

01:08:44but whose story is he telling?

01:08:45You want?

01:08:47You want me?

01:08:48To kill Roald, yes.

01:08:50So you kill him

01:08:51and I'll take care of

01:08:51all the other touches

01:08:52that will make the story sing?

01:08:53One thing that maybe goes unmentioned

01:08:58about Joe's serial killer tendencies in You

01:09:00is the fact that,

01:09:01well, he's not that good at it.

01:09:03He's sloppy.

01:09:04He leaves trails behind him.

01:09:06And for all his talk about his skills

01:09:08as someone who watches and observes,

01:09:10he's not a great planner.

01:09:11And here,

01:09:12all those loose ends

01:09:13are still hanging over him.

01:09:15It was tough,

01:09:16but I did it.

01:09:18Hello, Joe.

01:09:19The biggest one

01:09:20is the reason he's in Europe

01:09:22in the first place,

01:09:23Marianne.

01:09:23It was Marianne who took him

01:09:25first to Paris

01:09:26and then to London

01:09:26as he tried to find her

01:09:28and carry on the relationship

01:09:29they had begun in Madre Linde.

01:09:31He talks about wanting to leave

01:09:32that version of himself behind,

01:09:34but at the same time,

01:09:35when Marianne backs him into a corner,

01:09:37he's quick to lash out against her.

01:09:39I'm not gonna hurt you.

01:09:40You're right, you're not.

01:09:43I will use this.

01:09:44Of course,

01:09:44he's put in a difficult position

01:09:46in regard to her.

01:09:47The Quinn family's hitman

01:09:48is the one who gives him

01:09:49his new identity

01:09:50and allows him to start

01:09:51a new life in London,

01:09:53but it's on the condition

01:09:54that Marianne,

01:09:54the only one who still knows

01:09:56Joe is alive,

01:09:57is taken care of.

01:09:58Still,

01:09:58Joe can't.

01:09:59He lets her back on the train

01:10:01to Paris

01:10:01in what he imagines

01:10:02to be a final act of love.

01:10:04I let you go

01:10:05to show you

01:10:07I'm not what you think.

01:10:10I'm not a killer.

01:10:12But for us watching,

01:10:13it all seems too neat.

01:10:15Surely,

01:10:15Marianne is going to return

01:10:16at some point in the second half

01:10:18of the series,

01:10:18and surely the trick

01:10:19Joe tried to play

01:10:20on the man sent to kill him

01:10:22will come back to haunt him.

01:10:23And maybe this theme

01:10:24is one that will be revisited

01:10:26with Reese, too.

01:10:27Because like Joe,

01:10:28the only thing we know about him

01:10:29is his own self-narrative,

01:10:31which he's already admitted

01:10:32to not being 100% accurate.

01:10:34Would it help you to know

01:10:35that that part of the book

01:10:36is a lie?

01:10:37He sold himself to the public

01:10:38as a poor boy done good

01:10:40who had an epiphany in prison,

01:10:41but we know he's violent,

01:10:43cunning,

01:10:44and psychopathic.

01:10:45So how much else

01:10:45from his origin story

01:10:46is he leaving out?

01:10:47His relationship to a duke

01:10:49is an offhand side,

01:10:50but could he be the real power

01:10:52behind the throne?

01:10:53As far as cliffhangers go,

01:10:54the first half of season fours

01:10:56feels pretty treacherous.

01:10:58As we go into the second half,

01:10:59there is no character

01:11:00who isn't under threat.

01:11:02I beg to differ

01:11:02with a murderer on the loose.

01:11:04Joe could have his identity

01:11:05revealed at any minute.

01:11:06Marianne could be found out

01:11:07by an American hitman.

01:11:09Kate and her remaining rich friends

01:11:10are still targets for Reese,

01:11:12and Reese is surely

01:11:13a target for Joe.

01:11:14Even though the murder mystery

01:11:15has been solved,

01:11:16there remains a lot of mess

01:11:18and no real way of knowing

01:11:19how it's all going to be cleaned up.

01:11:21That's the take.

01:11:22Click here to watch a video

01:11:23we think you'll love,

01:11:24or here to check out

01:11:26a whole playlist of awesome content.

01:11:28Don't forget to subscribe

01:11:29and turn on notifications.

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Fake Nice Guys, "Romantic" Red Flags, & The Toxic Relationship Obsession, Explained | Compilation

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