Modern Family: Breaking Free From Stereotypes & Finding Their True Selves | Compilation - video Dailymotion

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Modern Family showed us how important it is to fight for the life you want (even when it's scary!)  Modern Family was all about exploring the depths of characters that could have otherwise...

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00:00:00Modern Family's Gloria Delgado Pritchett gives the second wife character a voice and a soul.

00:00:06When it comes to women we love to hate, the second wife is usually near the top of the list.

00:00:10In most film and TV, she's a caricature,

00:00:13often an opportunistic or air-headed gold digger used to signal her husband's midlife crisis,

00:00:18as seen through the judgmental eyes of his ex or older kids.

00:00:21But Gloria reimagines the trope.

00:00:23Gloria the trophy wife, Jay the guy on his, you know, second marriage,

00:00:27and yet, I mean, this is a vibrant, loving relationship.

00:00:32While on the surface she checks off many boxes of the second wife cartoon,

00:00:36You don't expect to wake up one morning with a new mom who looks like she fell off a mudflap.

00:00:41As the show progresses, we realize that Jay and Gloria are incredibly compatible and in love.

00:00:46The important thing is you make him happy, which you do in so many ways.

00:00:51And Gloria is an irreplaceable part of the show's central modern family with so many gifts,

00:00:56a brave openness that the Pritchetts need,

00:00:58and a one-of-a-kind personality that's hilarious to watch.

00:01:02When you're married to me, you're going to get yelled at many times.

00:01:06You're tough enough to take it.

00:01:07Here's our take on how Gloria Pritchett tore up the second wife playbook,

00:01:11showed us all those caricatures aren't real,

00:01:14and gave us hope that sometimes you really can get it right the second time around.

00:01:18At the beginning of Modern Family, there's a lot of dancing around the idea

00:01:30that the family views Gloria as a gold digger.

00:01:33He said you were a coal digger.

00:01:35Okay, I think we can move on.

00:01:37That's what my mom told me.

00:01:38Or that they're dismissive of her as not particularly deep or intelligent.

00:01:42Gloria, I don't know why you think I don't like you.

00:01:44Well, sometimes when you see me, you make that face.

00:01:47What face?

00:01:48Like this?

00:01:49But as we get to know her, it quickly becomes clear

00:01:51there's really no basis for these implied slights.

00:01:54They're projecting our culture's cartoonish idea of the second wife onto her.

00:01:58Someone beautiful, not particularly smart, educated, deep or nice,

00:02:02someone much younger than her husband, and sometimes even his kids.

00:02:06And always the butt of the joke.

00:02:07Pretty soon you're going to be north of 40,

00:02:09and I'm going to have to trade you in for a newer model.

00:02:11Am I right, buddy?

00:02:13It's my mother, Jay.

00:02:13So where do all the fears and assumptions about second wives come from?

00:02:17Second wives, it's like they have a playbook.

00:02:20The very existence of a second wife means something has to have happened

00:02:23to put the first wife out of the picture.

00:02:25And there's something inherently unsettling for a kid about the idea of a woman

00:02:28taking over from your mother, thus disrupting the sanctity of the original family.

00:02:33So in plenty of movies and shows, the second wife or stepmom has been portrayed negatively,

00:02:37sometimes as a villain.

00:02:38See, Cinderella's wicked stepmother, a second wife who causes misery by abusing the first

00:02:43wife's child, or the parent trap scheming Meredith, an almost second wife who wants

00:02:47to send the kids away from their father.

00:02:49The day we get married is the day I ship those brats off to Switzerland.

00:02:53Get the picture?

00:02:53Meanwhile, women instinctively feel a fear of replacement in society where men are

00:02:57implicitly encouraged to seek new, younger female partners.

00:03:01In Agnes Varda's Les Bonheurs, or Happiness, after a man tries to convince his wife that

00:03:05his taking a lover is a good thing for their family, she kills herself, and he eerily welcomes

00:03:10the lover into their home as essentially a replacement.

00:03:13This tension is at the core of why Jay's first wife, Deedee, can't help hating Gloria,

00:03:18even when she tries to listen to her better instincts.

00:03:21I forgive you.

00:03:22I am not prepared for this.

00:03:25I just, I, I want to rip your...

00:03:28What?

00:03:29It's not an unfair stereotype that the second wife in pop culture is often younger.

00:03:33She's my age!

00:03:35Did she tell you that?

00:03:36Actually, a 2014 analysis of the census undertaken by the Pew Research Center showed that one

00:03:41in five men who remarry go for a second wife at least 10 years their junior.

00:03:45Being young and beautiful is not a crime, you know.

00:03:47This shows the Gloria and Jay dynamic is realistic, and if we listen to what Deedee says, we can

00:03:52easily imagine why it would feel so terrible to watch your husband move on with someone

00:03:56like Gloria.

00:03:57Jay moves on so easily, and not with just anyone, with a young and smart and beautiful

00:04:07woman.

00:04:07It's also hard for Claire, a daddy's girl, to accept that Gloria is younger than her

00:04:11and attracts so much attention from men, including, in brief moments, Claire's own husband.

00:04:16Is she moving in slow motion or is my brain doing now?

00:04:18A second wife like Gloria embodies a youthfulness that the first wife has surpassed and can never

00:04:23get back, but it's also more than that.

00:04:25The second wife might be portrayed as cooler and edgier, too, making her a harsh reminder

00:04:30of something bold and contemporary the often more domestic first wife might feel as out

00:04:34of reach to her.

00:04:35The first wife might also be cast as a complaining, bitter shrew, while the second wife, without

00:04:40any of the baggage, gets to be framed as a beacon of hope.

00:04:42God, I can't wait to meet my second wife.

00:04:45I hope she likes me better than this one.

00:04:47In Mad Men, Megan Draper is the quintessential example of how the second wife offers this

00:04:51exciting spiritual appeal.

00:04:53I feel like myself when I'm with you, but the way I always wanted to feel.

00:04:59While Dawn's first wife, Betty, is firmly entrenched in the style and decorum of the

00:05:031950s, with her white picket fence, nipped in waist, and perfectly coiffed hair, Megan

00:05:08looks like a 1960s free-loving flower child in bright colors and stylish clothes with sharp

00:05:14angles.

00:05:15She's a visual representation of Dawn leaving behind his old-fashioned, perfect domestic

00:05:19life and wife for more modern pastures.

00:05:22Why are you the latest Beatles album?

00:05:26Start with this one.

00:05:27Similarly, in Modern Family, Gloria is a fun and bold Colombian who's lived an eventful,

00:05:31interesting life and brings a different set of experiences and gifts than Didi to the family.

00:05:36So these differences make her more existentially threatening to Didi.

00:05:40Another key stereotype is that the second wife is a bimbo, not smart or with solely vapid interests

00:05:45like money and shopping.

00:05:47She might be assumed to be lazy or taking a shortcut, marrying a richer, older man to get

00:05:51an instant, comfortable life instead of working to build it herself and unfairly reaping the

00:05:55rewards of the first wife's labors.

00:05:57But the truth is, most second wives don't have it easy.

00:06:00From the beginning, I feel like money and I are not welcome in this family.

00:06:03By the time you're the second wife, it's likely that both you and your husband have some baggage

00:06:07in the form of existing children, ex-partners, or alimony payments.

00:06:11And emotionally, a second wife may have to work a lot harder to cultivate a positive environment

00:06:15in her complicated family situation.

00:06:17Like Gloria, she probably has to integrate into a fully formed adult family that might

00:06:21be primed to dislike her while starting her own.

00:06:24Often in films and shows, if the first wife is deceased, as is often the case in older

00:06:28narratives such as Rebecca, Jane Eyre, and the second wife, the idea of the first wife

00:06:32might haunt the marriage, as if no woman can ever live up to her.

00:06:36You'll never replace her.

00:06:37You can't replace her.

00:06:38If she's alive, she's frequently shown to be a little imbalanced or resentful, intent on

00:06:42meddling in her husband's second marriage.

00:06:44If you call her, you're giving her exactly what she wanted.

00:06:47The thrill of having poisoned us from 50 miles away.

00:06:50Much like Dee Dee, such an example of the crazy first wife that even her own kids can't

00:06:55really stand her.

00:06:56Also, disproving the taking-it-easy stereotype, Gloria's life up to this point hasn't been

00:07:00glamorous.

00:07:01Do you know what a doll is in my village?

00:07:03An apple on a fork.

00:07:05Which is part of what makes her so charming and relatable.

00:07:07Gloria's backstory proves she isn't a gold digger.

00:07:10Jay is her second husband, and her first husband didn't support her at all.

00:07:14Her feckless ex put in minimal effort with Manny, so for a long time she worked incredibly

00:07:19hard to support him on her own, with street smarts we still occasionally glimpse.

00:07:23I used to drive a taxi at night.

00:07:25Manny would sleep in the seat next to me.

00:07:27Adjusting to a blended family isn't, at first, easy for anyone.

00:07:31However, since Gloria wants her relationship with Jay to work out, she's determined to

00:07:35build a bond with Claire and the others.

00:07:36This situation, of older kids disliking their dad's new wife, is one that repeats across

00:07:40pop culture depictions.

00:07:42But it rarely has a successful resolution.

00:07:44That's what makes Modern Family unusual.

00:07:46It grapples with why the family might want to judge and dismiss Gloria, but ultimately

00:07:50shows that they shouldn't.

00:07:51You are going to tell me what is wrong, and I'm going to give you the right answer,

00:07:55because I have all of them.

00:07:57And I know that you're strong enough to win.

00:07:59And definitely strong enough to be okay if you lose.

00:08:02So how does Gloria do it?

00:08:04Here are her new rules for the Second Wife playbook.

00:08:11Voice your emotions.

00:08:13Susie Brown, the founder of Midlife Divorce Recovery, says that despite second marriages

00:08:17being more common today, there can still be a social stigma around being the second wife.

00:08:22It could be worth talking about that.

00:08:24When Gloria opens up to Claire about being seen as the hot mom at school, Claire immediately

00:08:28realizes that Gloria isn't this perfect, invulnerable woman Claire imagines her to be.

00:08:33She's human, with worries and pain.

00:08:35You think I don't know what they're thinking?

00:08:36Ah, here comes the hot one with the big boobies that is going to steal my husband.

00:08:41It can be fun to view the other Pritchetts through Gloria's eyes.

00:08:44Because she's such an open person, she's baffled by their strange ways of handling situations,

00:08:49how they bottle their emotions and allow toxic behaviors to repeat time after time.

00:08:53Fellow Pritchett spouse, Phil, might talk privately or under his breath about his gripes with the

00:08:58family, but he's not outspoken.

00:09:00And when he does call Claire or others out, it's often because he's pushed into an outburst

00:09:04of bottled-up feeling.

00:09:05Your family has always treated me like a child who can't make his own decisions.

00:09:09Gloria, on the other hand, regularly calls the family out on their behavior,

00:09:13sharing how she feels or how she can see others feel with a tone that's not nasty or loaded

00:09:18because she's not holding things in until they explode.

00:09:20You can't sit on your feelings.

00:09:22You will explode.

00:09:24I have like 10 little explosions every day, so I don't have the big one.

00:09:28In this way, she brings a lot of love and openness to the group,

00:09:31and teaches them basic emotional communication skills.

00:09:34It's her who reveals that Jay really loves Phil, for example,

00:09:37after years of Phil resenting their dynamic and feeling that he's not good enough for Jay.

00:09:41Since when do you care what I think?

00:09:43Always.

00:09:44He thinks that you're the life of the party.

00:09:46He wants to be more like you.

00:09:47Much like an informal therapist, Gloria helps the Pritchetts bring a little more

00:09:51self-reflection and intentionality to their relationships.

00:09:54We're shown that Jay has been repeating the same toxic masculine mistakes of his own dad.

00:09:58I gave you twice as much as my father ever gave me.

00:10:01The man kissed me one time in my entire life.

00:10:03And Gloria forces him to consciously re-evaluate his behavior with his children.

00:10:08What was the last time you kissed Mitch?

00:10:10What does that have to do with anything?

00:10:12I was 12.

00:10:13Jay, he's your son.

00:10:14He's a mess.

00:10:15She recognizes that her husband is far from perfect

00:10:18and pinpoints the issues that he has created for his kids

00:10:20and empowers them to speak out about it.

00:10:22Gloria is right.

00:10:23Dad, you being so emotionally closed off makes it very difficult for your children to show

00:10:29affection.

00:10:30Through these actions, Gloria brings out a sensitive, flexible side of Jay

00:10:33that it's implied his children haven't even seen before.

00:10:36The partners are shown to be equals.

00:10:38They're both quite fiery and can fight each other, but always make up.

00:10:41And that security stems from knowing that you can always express whatever you feel,

00:10:45and the other person will still love you after.

00:10:47That's what I love about our marriage.

00:10:50We can say whatever we want, but the next day we're still there.

00:10:53Take up space.

00:10:55When they're in a situation where they know they're being scrutinized,

00:10:57many people try hard to be easygoing and affable.

00:11:00Gloria doesn't obsess over what others think because she's too busy being herself,

00:11:04and we, and her family, love her for that.

00:11:07What are you looking for?

00:11:08Nothing.

00:11:09I am making a lot of noise because I'm angry.

00:11:11Sometimes new family members might feel displaced by you,

00:11:14and while that's something to explore together,

00:11:16their complaints or battles with you might not even be rational.

00:11:19A lot of the time, we see this in Gloria's relationship with Claire,

00:11:21who struggles with how Gloria makes her feel inadequate.

00:11:24Your thunder is your thunder and my thunder is my thunder.

00:11:26I know, it's just that God gave you so much thunder.

00:11:29But that doesn't mean Gloria can fix this by trying to bury her own light.

00:11:33Set the agenda.

00:11:34While she may appear unpredictable or impulsive in her emotions,

00:11:38Gloria is in control at home.

00:11:40She runs a tight ship, and both Manny and Jay defer to her.

00:11:43You're just tiny little men to me right now,

00:11:47and you need to leave this house and come back with more respect!

00:11:50And a pizza!

00:11:51She's also extremely brave,

00:11:53and this shows in the way she moves through life.

00:11:55Are people going to like me?

00:11:56Can I handle the challenge?

00:11:58You can ask these questions forever,

00:12:01or you can just take the first step.

00:12:03No, you're not a cliche, and you married for love.

00:12:07Sure, Gloria seems relieved to lead a comfortable lifestyle

00:12:10after all she's been through, but Jay's appeal to Gloria

00:12:12isn't that he's a rich guy.

00:12:14It's that he's reliable and wants to take care of her and Manny,

00:12:18something she's never experienced before.

00:12:20If I wanted to be married to a wild mind,

00:12:22I would have stayed with Javier.

00:12:23Gloria also needs a guy with Jay's temperament,

00:12:26calm, dependable, and considered,

00:12:27because she can be impulsive.

00:12:29I like that you're calm, that you think first,

00:12:31and you act second.

00:12:33I need that in my life.

00:12:34Gloria and Jay are shown to be in love,

00:12:36and while he enjoys her looks and she enjoys his money,

00:12:40this is far from the primary basis for their attraction

00:12:42and deeper compatibility.

00:12:44You're so much more than how you look.

00:12:46These have been the best 10 years of my life.

00:12:48I'm in it for every pound, every wrinkle, every gray hair.

00:12:53Both Gloria and Jay are aware of how their marriage

00:12:56might look from the outside,

00:12:57but they're so secure in their relationship

00:12:59that they joke about the cliches others see them as.

00:13:02You're too funny.

00:13:03I'm going to share that one with my next husband

00:13:06when we're spending all your money.

00:13:07Stay away from second wife syndrome.

00:13:09In an article entitled

00:13:10Nine Challenges of Being the Second Wife,

00:13:12Relationships writer Rachel Pace discusses second wife syndrome.

00:13:15She says that second wife syndrome can involve feeling

00:13:18that your partner puts his previous family first,

00:13:20feeling insecure, comparing yourself to the ex,

00:13:23needing to control your partner,

00:13:24and feeling as if you don't belong.

00:13:26Gloria banishes second wife syndrome

00:13:28by getting friendly with Jay's kids and grandkids,

00:13:30talking about her insecurities and forging a completely different life

00:13:34to the one Jay had with Deedee.

00:13:35I hope you're hiring a nanny,

00:13:38because this one won't lift a finger.

00:13:41But now it's different.

00:13:42Now I can help you with everything.

00:13:44Another side of second wife syndrome

00:13:46involves having issues with the first wife,

00:13:48which is definitely part of Gloria's initial experience

00:13:50in the Pritchett family through no fault of her own.

00:13:53At first, Deedee is furious at Gloria's very existence,

00:13:56as it throws her into a personal crisis,

00:13:58and she laughs at the pair of them

00:14:00when she finds out they're having a baby.

00:14:02Oh, you're going to be a father again at your age.

00:14:05And here you were thinking you would just sail off

00:14:08into the sunset with your beautiful young wife.

00:14:11But actually, the birth of Joe, though unplanned,

00:14:13takes Jay and Gloria to a new place in their relationship,

00:14:16and shows exactly that Jay wasn't just in it

00:14:19for Gloria's beauty and youth.

00:14:21He wanted the whole package.

00:14:22Surprisingly, this even softens Deedee's feelings towards Gloria.

00:14:25Turns out Gloria being pregnant somehow made Deedee think of her

00:14:29as less trophy, more human.

00:14:31Except a non-traditional relationship.

00:14:33Family is family.

00:14:35Whether it's the one you start out with,

00:14:37the one that you end up with,

00:14:39or the family that you gain along the way.

00:14:41Part of being the second wife involves accepting a relationship

00:14:43or family that looks a little different

00:14:45to the picture-perfect imagination many might start out with.

00:14:48But Gloria accepts that and reinforces the beauty in it,

00:14:51which in turn spreads out to the rest of the family.

00:14:53While it's regularly implied that the non-biological mother

00:14:56can't or won't love her stepkids,

00:14:58I won't have you coming near, my daughter.

00:14:59You don't have to get hysterical about her.

00:15:01What do I care about your daughter?

00:15:02I'm sick of hearing about her.

00:15:04Often, this is unfair and untrue.

00:15:06Gloria enters Jay's kids' lives when they're adults,

00:15:09and they aren't looking to her to mother them.

00:15:11But she does try to bond with them.

00:15:13And just as her positive presence softens Jay,

00:15:15she influences him to have a better relationship with his children,

00:15:18especially Mitchell,

00:15:19who didn't have a great time with his father as he was growing up.

00:15:22While Didi deliberately sows unrest between her children

00:15:25and their dad to get back at him,

00:15:26Gloria encourages them to build the relationships up

00:15:29and contributes to a blended family that may be messy,

00:15:32but is full of real love.

00:15:33She's got this killer confidence.

00:15:36You know, the kind of confidence that you get

00:15:38from having a family like this.

00:15:40A family that actually loves each other.

00:15:43Own your gifts.

00:15:44Gloria isn't trying at all to fill a hole left by Didi.

00:15:47She knows she offers different strengths,

00:15:49and anyway, this is a different moment in the family's lives,

00:15:52calling for its own set of solutions.

00:15:54We see something similar in Stepmom,

00:15:56the story of a soon-to-be second wife

00:15:58being initially rejected by her partner's kids and their mom,

00:16:01the first wife,

00:16:01because her attempts never measure up.

00:16:03Oh my gosh, she made you a lunch?

00:16:05But in the end, like Gloria,

00:16:13Isabel really wants to be close to her stepkids,

00:16:15and due to her different age and strengths,

00:16:17she can offer them different gifts than their mom does,

00:16:20which add a lot to the family's lives.

00:16:22It worked! It worked! It worked! It worked! It worked!

00:16:24It worked!

00:16:25Did you see the look on Brad's face?

00:16:29Thank you so much!

00:16:30One of Gloria's gifts is that she's way less judgmental than Jay.

00:16:34You don't get to tell everyone how to live their lives,

00:16:37that boys cannot spend time with their mommies,

00:16:40or that brothers and sisters can't make babies,

00:16:42and helps him to consider new possibilities,

00:16:45something his kids didn't think was possible.

00:16:47When Jay shows his homophobic tendencies towards Mitchell,

00:16:50He doesn't get gay weddings.

00:16:52Gloria is quick to reprimand him.

00:16:54Pretty nice, huh? Like a regular wedding.

00:16:56Good start, Jay.

00:16:57And unlike with pretty much everyone else in his life,

00:17:00Jay actually listens to her.

00:17:01And Gloria's positivity inspires Jay to want to be better for her.

00:17:05Jay is very spontaneous.

00:17:07He's always surprising me with little presents, fun getaways.

00:17:11I wasn't the greatest husband the first time around,

00:17:14but I'm trying to do better this time.

00:17:15Despite joking about it,

00:17:16Jay genuinely sees his relationship with Gloria,

00:17:19the way she makes him behave and how she makes him feel,

00:17:21as a second shot at doing marriage and life well.

00:17:24Even if he's not exactly young,

00:17:25he feels his life is ahead of him.

00:17:27Felt like my life was ending.

00:17:30And now you're telling me that I get to have a new start

00:17:32with the woman of my dreams.

00:17:35And he's learning what it means to support the person he loves.

00:17:38In season 6, we see Gloria get upset

00:17:40when Manny and Jay laugh at her mistranslations.

00:17:42For once, it would be nice to speak to someone

00:17:45in my own language, in my own home.

00:17:47Like many second wives and immigrants,

00:17:49Gloria gets tired of constantly being underestimated

00:17:52and seeing her intellect wrongly diminished.

00:17:54But in the last episode,

00:17:55we see exactly how far Jay has come

00:17:57when he reveals he's learning Spanish.

00:17:59I got a big surprise for Gloria in the works.

00:18:02I'm learning Spanish.

00:18:03One of the most important and special things

00:18:05he could possibly do for her.

00:18:07Supresa mi amor.

00:18:08You're wonderful.

00:18:10Tell your story.

00:18:11Part of the reason the second wife is so maligned

00:18:13is that she rarely gets her own narrative,

00:18:15which is why it's so groundbreaking

00:18:17that Gloria is such a fully formed and appealing character.

00:18:19With a past and a perspective of her own.

00:18:22It's easy to understand why people fear, resent,

00:18:25and feel jealous of many second wives.

00:18:27It's wonderful for Jay and Gloria to get this second chance.

00:18:30But it can be hard for the first wife,

00:18:32and sometimes children, to see that happening

00:18:34and not wonder why they didn't get to be

00:18:36with this amazing husband and father.

00:18:38That's especially true because most first wives

00:18:40re-enter a dating market that's heavily biased

00:18:43in favor of young women.

00:18:44Films like The First Wives Club and The Women

00:18:46put an important spotlight on first wives,

00:18:48affirming their value as smart, savvy,

00:18:51and a big loss to their husbands.

00:18:52We helped them rise.

00:18:54We can help them still.

00:18:54Still, that message doesn't have to be at the expense

00:18:57of turning another woman into a cardboard antagonist.

00:19:00And ultimately, Modern Family underlines

00:19:02that Didi's projecting a lot of baggage

00:19:04that's not really about Gloria herself.

00:19:06Gloria didn't steal me, Didi, and you know it.

00:19:09We grew apart for years,

00:19:11and you left to find yourself, remember?

00:19:13It's important to see this picture

00:19:15from both or all the women's perspective.

00:19:18Gloria Delgado Pritchett is the representation

00:19:20of a second wife we never knew we needed.

00:19:22A strong, capable woman who works hard at her relationship

00:19:25and can handle a complicated, blended family with ease.

00:19:28She shows us that sometimes,

00:19:30the best things come the second time around.

00:19:33Alex, the middle child of the dumpy household

00:19:35on Modern Family, in many ways seemed like

00:19:37the perfect daughter.

00:19:39She was incredibly smart, followed the rules,

00:19:41and always kept her mind focused on her grades above all else.

00:19:45She's like a self-cleaning oven.

00:19:46And while Alex was very proud of her intelligence,

00:19:49being constantly trapped in the smart girl box

00:19:52started to wear on her over the seasons,

00:19:54until it broke her completely.

00:19:56There is a 16-year-old science prodigy

00:19:58studying cancer research at Johns Hopkins.

00:20:0016! What am I doing? I'm eating cake!

00:20:03No, no, no.

00:20:04No!

00:20:05Alex's story provides both a look at how awesome it can be

00:20:08to be the smartest one in the room

00:20:10and the immense pressure that can bring.

00:20:12I've spent my entire life trying to be perfect.

00:20:15And where did it get me?

00:20:16I'm in a field with 6,000 idiots!

00:20:19Let's unpack Alex's life as the smart girl,

00:20:22what actually caused her problems,

00:20:24and how she overcame them,

00:20:26plus the real reason she and Hailey were always fighting.

00:20:29Here's our take.

00:20:30Alex is a stereotypical smart girl in many ways.

00:20:33She's an incredibly book-smart overachiever

00:20:36who sees herself as above others because of her brainpower.

00:20:39It's not easy being the smart ones in this family.

00:20:42Don't compare us!

00:20:43Your last English paper came back with a Garfield sticker on it

00:20:46that said, way to go!

00:20:48In addition to her intense dedication to learning

00:20:50and her quest for perfect grades,

00:20:52she's also in every extracurricular

00:20:54that might look good on her university applications,

00:20:57from lacrosse to debate team to French club.

00:21:00Alex had a poem published in Highlights magazine

00:21:02when she was five years old.

00:21:04It was called Mr. Lamb Buys a Ham, but really it was about the Holocaust.

00:21:07She even chose to play cello over violin

00:21:09because she knew that it would be more likely

00:21:11to get her a spot on a university orchestra.

00:21:13And even though she admits she doesn't even enjoy playing,

00:21:16she refuses to just give it up because she hates quitting things.

00:21:20While she may lack social skills,

00:21:22Alex is very confident in her own brilliance.

00:21:25She's not just smarter than her siblings,

00:21:26she's brainier than the adults around her too.

00:21:29It's pronounced Ibiza, not Ibiza.

00:21:31Oh, thanks honey.

00:21:33That reminds me, this weekend I want to see

00:21:35that baby panda, the zoo.

00:21:37Yeah, I'm the idiot.

00:21:40This often leads her to treat everyone around her as less than,

00:21:43looking down her nose at them

00:21:44because they aren't smart in the same way as her.

00:21:47Sometimes this comes out in harmless things,

00:21:50like playing pranks on her siblings

00:21:51or shooting a quip back at an unsuspecting adult family member,

00:21:55but sometimes she can be pretty unnecessarily mean.

00:21:58How impressed are you with your uncle right now?

00:22:00So impressed.

00:22:02I didn't want to ruin their moment

00:22:03by telling them how many awards I've gotten,

00:22:05but let's just say I don't get out of bed for a trophy that size.

00:22:09This is obviously partly for humor on the show,

00:22:12but it does also help showcase one of Alex's biggest problems.

00:22:16She often lashes out because she feels like she doesn't fit in.

00:22:19She doesn't really have any friends,

00:22:21outside of her small group of nerdy fans at least,

00:22:24and usually feels ignored at school.

00:22:26While her older sister Haley is a social butterfly,

00:22:29Alex has a difficult time connecting with her peers.

00:22:32Shouldn't she be playing words with friends with friends?

00:22:35Grandpa is my friend.

00:22:36Of course he is.

00:22:37That's not sad.

00:22:38What?

00:22:39She's so laser-focused on her grades

00:22:41and making sure she's absorbing all of the knowledge she can

00:22:44that she doesn't really make time for interpersonal connections,

00:22:47though she gets some help with that over the years,

00:22:49which we'll discuss in a bit.

00:22:50Even at home, she's the odd duck out.

00:22:53How did she get so smart?

00:22:54I've always assumed adoption or baby switch.

00:22:56Because she's so self-sufficient,

00:22:58her parents often leave her to her own devices.

00:23:01But sometimes this extends to the degree

00:23:03that they kind of forget that she's still a kid.

00:23:05She often feels like she's having to pick up the slack

00:23:08and parent herself.

00:23:09Whenever her family is reminded of this,

00:23:11they're usually exasperated instead of regretful.

00:23:15Okay, so maybe Alex's attitude doesn't help.

00:23:18I'd like to point out I completed all my assignments on my own and on time.

00:23:23Oh my God.

00:23:24And this pressure, both from others and from herself,

00:23:27really starts to get to Alex after a while.

00:23:30Like with her choice of cello over violin,

00:23:33Alex pretty much always makes choices

00:23:34based on what she thinks a perfect smart girl should do,

00:23:38without really factoring her own feelings.

00:23:40She puts an intense amount of pressure on herself to do the right things,

00:23:43get the right grades, be the right kind of person.

00:23:46How are you already doing homework?

00:23:47It's junior year.

00:23:49I have to get good grades.

00:23:50Don't you know how competitive it is out there?

00:23:52Stop pressuring me!

00:23:53As she ages, the stress of her schoolwork

00:23:55and preparing for university and, you know, being a teenager

00:23:59all begin to compound to an unhealthy degree.

00:24:02Because she seems to be doing so well compared to Haley and Luke,

00:24:05this mostly goes unignored.

00:24:07Once you start overachieving, people expect things from you.

00:24:10Until, that is, Alex finally snaps.

00:24:13On her 16th birthday, Alex has finally reached her limit

00:24:17and blows up during her birthday party.

00:24:19Whoa, you're being a little...

00:24:21I'm streperous!

00:24:22Recalcitrant!

00:24:22Truculent!

00:24:23I was gonna say cray-cray.

00:24:25At first, her family thinks she's just being her regular, intense self.

00:24:29But they quickly come to realize that something is really wrong.

00:24:32Alex, having to support herself even in the midst of a breakdown,

00:24:36books herself in to speak with a therapist.

00:24:38At first, Alex keeps up her smart girl.

00:24:40I can handle everything on my own, wall.

00:24:42Part of me feels like the limbic system in my brain's a bit off.

00:24:45That's a thing, right?

00:24:46I did some research.

00:24:47You know I charge the same even if you diagnose yourself.

00:24:50But eventually, she's finally able to open up

00:24:53about how much pressure she's been under

00:24:55and we get a look inside Alex's mind

00:24:57at just how much she's been trying to juggle all by herself.

00:25:00I have to get new index cards before Monday.

00:25:02Hopefully they don't run out of the blue ones

00:25:03because for some reason those help me study better.

00:25:05Maybe my prescription's getting worse.

00:25:06I should probably make an appointment with the eye doctor.

00:25:08Also, should I get a job this summer?

00:25:10Would an internship look better on my application?

00:25:12Hearing her own stream of consciousness out loud

00:25:14really helps her to realize just how much her mind is always racing.

00:25:18While she's proud of her smarts,

00:25:20she's also come to feel like it's the only thing about her that really matters.

00:25:24So that's why she's always so concerned with proving that she's the smartest.

00:25:28Is that what you feel?

00:25:30A responsibility to win all the time to always be the best?

00:25:35That's one way to put it.

00:25:36But Alex isn't the only one that has this realization.

00:25:40While Alex is in therapy,

00:25:41her mother Claire attends the open house at Alex's school

00:25:44and comes to understand just how much Alex has been doing.

00:25:47Claire had been so focused on helping her other two,

00:25:49less self-sufficient kids and her husband,

00:25:52sort out their lives that she never really took the time

00:25:54to pay attention to what was going on with Alex.

00:25:57She always seemed fine and like she had everything under control

00:26:00and so Claire never really questioned it.

00:26:03But the truth was, Alex was dealing with a lot.

00:26:05Well, I only give two hours of homework a night.

00:26:08Two hours?

00:26:09Our students are highly advanced.

00:26:11It's nothing they can't handle.

00:26:12They have two hours in this class and they have an hour for AP Bio.

00:26:15It takes actually experiencing everything for herself

00:26:18for Claire to really start to grasp what Alex's life was really like

00:26:21and allows them to have a new,

00:26:23deeper level of understanding between them.

00:26:25I had no idea the kind of pressure you're under.

00:26:28Honey, I was just you for two hours.

00:26:29I could barely hold it together.

00:26:31I don't know how you don't have a meltdown every day.

00:26:35While it took a walk in her shoes for Claire to get Alex,

00:26:38there's someone else who was surprisingly always on her side.

00:26:42To say that Alex and Hailey don't get along

00:26:44might be a bit of an understatement.

00:26:46You idiot!

00:26:47Hey, hey, let's try to get along.

00:26:49I wish you was never even four.

00:26:51They were trying to make one with a brain.

00:26:54No!

00:26:54The sisters are complete opposites in pretty much every way.

00:26:58Hailey is an outgoing extrovert,

00:27:00obsessed with clothes and boys,

00:27:02everything Alex abhors.

00:27:04They're constantly sniping at one another on the show about everything.

00:27:08All you had to do to get in your college was like their Facebook page,

00:27:11but this is Princeton.

00:27:12And you could be a bit more supportive.

00:27:13You're right.

00:27:14I'm sorry.

00:27:16Your outfit's perfect.

00:27:18Thanks.

00:27:19If you're applying to lumberjack school.

00:27:21While Alex has always been jealous that Hailey got more attention,

00:27:24both from their parents and from people at large,

00:27:27Hailey was jealous that Alex always seemed to be able to do everything right.

00:27:30Their family also often pits their skills against the other,

00:27:33making fun of Alex for not being as cool as Hailey,

00:27:36and Hailey for not being as bright as Alex.

00:27:38This does lead to them being at each other's throats a lot of the time,

00:27:42but their deep sisterly bond means they're always looking out for one another.

00:27:46If you were in trouble, I would do anything for you.

00:27:49We're not just sisters.

00:27:52We're best friends.

00:27:53Each sister is able to use her special abilities that the other lacks

00:27:57to try to set her on the right course.

00:27:59As the big sister,

00:28:00Hailey is especially prone to finding ways to help Alex through the tougher parts of life.

00:28:04She knows that Alex struggles with her social skills,

00:28:06and so tries to use her secretly pretty deep emotional intelligence

00:28:10to push her down the right path,

00:28:11even if it's with some tough love.

00:28:13Give your stupid speech.

00:28:14Be an outcast,

00:28:15but you're only doing it to yourself because you're smart and pretty

00:28:18and sort of funny in a way that I don't really get,

00:28:20but other people seem to enjoy.

00:28:22Hailey gives Alex tips on things like how to be cool and flirt with boys,

00:28:25though this doesn't always go quite to plan.

00:28:28I would like for you to kiss me.

00:28:29But Hailey never gives up on Alex,

00:28:38and is so proud when she hits any emotional milestone.

00:28:41I got this.

00:28:43Who's this?

00:28:45Brilliant.

00:28:46No, I didn't see it.

00:28:48I get a lot of texts.

00:28:51I have a sister!

00:28:53And as annoying as she might find Hailey,

00:28:55Alex shows up for her when it counts, too.

00:28:58When Hailey shares that she's pregnant

00:28:59and terrified that she won't be a good mom,

00:29:02Alex could have kicked her while she was down,

00:29:04but she realized how important it was to comfort her in that moment

00:29:07and found the right words to say.

00:29:09I didn't know what the mother!

00:29:11Okay, first, it's just a doll.

00:29:15And you've been taking care of us our whole lives.

00:29:18And you're understanding and loving and a total badass.

00:29:22Even though they don't often,

00:29:23okay, really ever see eye to eye,

00:29:26they both help one another grow

00:29:27and feel like they can survive in the world.

00:29:30They show how important it is to have people around you

00:29:32that aren't just like you,

00:29:34who can see problems from a different perspective

00:29:36and help you come up with new solutions

00:29:38that you never would have thought up on your own.

00:29:40Even when everyone else in the family

00:29:42may have been disappointed in them,

00:29:44or forgot about them,

00:29:45or underestimated them,

00:29:46they were always there for each other.

00:29:49Don't dork up our room.

00:29:50Don't slut up your college.

00:29:54As Alex reached the end of high school,

00:29:56she was hit with another terrifying realization.

00:29:59Just being a perfect student

00:30:00isn't always enough to get what you want.

00:30:03After putting in so much work for years,

00:30:05molding her entire life

00:30:07around what she thought would make her the ideal applicant,

00:30:09she didn't get into Harvard.

00:30:11Get straight A's for 10 years,

00:30:13spend your summers building houses,

00:30:15drag your cello to school every day,

00:30:17write the perfect essay, and for what?

00:30:20But instead of letting this break her,

00:30:22she begins to open herself up to the idea

00:30:24that there is more to life than just school.

00:30:27Though that's not an easy road.

00:30:28Her entire sense of self has been wrapped up

00:30:31in being the straight A overachiever.

00:30:33That when it was finally time to graduate college

00:30:35and move on to the next phase of her life,

00:30:37she was genuinely afraid.

00:30:39She even tried to bail on her own graduation

00:30:41because she didn't want to have to accept

00:30:43this scary future full of unknowns.

00:30:45But your whole life,

00:30:46you've always known exactly what you're supposed to do.

00:30:49Study, get good grades, repeat.

00:30:51Now that's over and it's scary.

00:30:53But with the reassurance of her siblings,

00:30:55she finds the courage to take that big leap

00:30:57into the next phase of her life.

00:30:59She starts exploring different facets of herself,

00:31:01from her rebellious streak to her feminine side.

00:31:04And even though she didn't get into Harvard,

00:31:06she does get into a different great school.

00:31:08And while her time at Caltech

00:31:09certainly has its own stressful moments,

00:31:11I spent four years there in sweats with greasy hair,

00:31:14caring only about grades.

00:31:16The only time anyone ever noticed me

00:31:17was when I pulled out all my eyebrows during finals week.

00:31:21She continues to excel academically

00:31:22while also cultivating other aspects of her life as well,

00:31:26and eventually goes on to do research in Antarctica.

00:31:29I want to use science to improve the world,

00:31:31like I did in Antarctica.

00:31:32Back off, you disgusting snow chicken!

00:31:34Old Alex doesn't disappear,

00:31:37like when she's nasty to her boyfriend for being too dumb.

00:31:40But in the later seasons,

00:31:41she's clearly grown from her experiences

00:31:43and gained confidence in herself.

00:31:46She uses her overachieving and dedicated nature

00:31:48to carve out a life she actually enjoys.

00:31:51Alex is a perfect example of how modern smart girls

00:31:54are breaking free from the cliches

00:31:56of the perfect girls they're told they're supposed to be

00:31:58and learning to do things their own way.

00:32:01Don't stop believing.

00:32:06Get this party started.

00:32:11We start laughing at Phil Dunphy's parenting

00:32:14in episode one of Modern Family.

00:32:16He tells us,

00:32:17I'm the cool dad.

00:32:18That's my thing.

00:32:21I'm hip.

00:32:21And it's funny because right away,

00:32:23we know that Phil isn't cool

00:32:25in the traditional sense of the word.

00:32:27It's reinforced over and over again

00:32:29that he's incredibly nerdy

00:32:31with slightly weird interests

00:32:33and goofy tendencies.

00:32:35And yet over 11 seasons,

00:32:36we come to agree with him.

00:32:38He might not be a cool guy,

00:32:40but he is a cool dad.

00:32:42Fact, I am the cool dad.

00:32:44He's a new, better revamp

00:32:46of the bumbling dad trope.

00:32:47And in the year since Modern Family ended,

00:32:50we can see this cool dad legacy

00:32:52expanding through new iterations.

00:32:53So here are Phil Dunphy's seven lessons

00:32:56on how to ace parenting

00:32:57by making it fun, gentle,

00:33:00and packed with Philzossophy.

00:33:02Philzossophy.

00:33:03A hardbound collection

00:33:04of all the life lessons I've learned.

00:33:08Hear us out.

00:33:10Phil's uncoolness is actually cool.

00:33:13No, we don't specifically mean

00:33:15the cheerleading or the magic,

00:33:17but the fact that he's maintained

00:33:18such varied interests long into adulthood

00:33:21is an important part of his parenting persona.

00:33:24Hollywood is packed wall-to-wall

00:33:26with bumbling dad characters.

00:33:28Guys who sit back and crack open a beer

00:33:31and let their wife do all the child care.

00:33:33Or sometimes take care of them, too.

00:33:36Let's get some beer in you

00:33:37and then it's right to bed.

00:33:39Woohoo!

00:33:39Beer, beer, beer, bed, bed, bed.

00:33:41That's not Phil.

00:33:42He pursues his interests

00:33:43from tech to tightrope walking.

00:33:45And that gives his kids

00:33:47really important lessons

00:33:49on not giving up,

00:33:50on finding joy in everyday things

00:33:52and being brave.

00:33:54All week long,

00:33:55I've been telling my girls how to act

00:33:57instead of showing them.

00:33:58But not Phil.

00:33:59Instead of talking the talk,

00:34:01Phil walked the walk.

00:34:05From cartoon characters

00:34:07like Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin

00:34:09to sitcom favorites like Ross Geller,

00:34:11the bumbling dad

00:34:12is traditionally a punchline.

00:34:14Though in more dramatic looks like Tully,

00:34:17the useless video game addicted father

00:34:19represents something sinister

00:34:21about how we let postpartum women down.

00:34:24You know,

00:34:24I wouldn't ever expect her

00:34:25to drive drunk like that,

00:34:26you know,

00:34:27or leave the house without telling me

00:34:28so no one's watching the kids.

00:34:30But weren't you home?

00:34:33Yeah.

00:34:34Phil might seem to be

00:34:35bumbling on the surface,

00:34:37take his attempt at smooth-talking Claire

00:34:38when they're role-playing

00:34:39and accidentally insulting her.

00:34:42She's so very beautiful.

00:34:44Why are you here with me?

00:34:45Because she's always so tired

00:34:47and she's always making lists

00:34:48of things for me to do.

00:34:50Maybe if you did them,

00:34:51she wouldn't be so tired.

00:34:52But there's something very important

00:34:54that sets him apart

00:34:55from other bumbling dads on screen.

00:34:58His presence.

00:34:59Phil is always physically around

00:35:01for Claire and for the kids.

00:35:04And he's mentally present.

00:35:05He connects with all three of his children

00:35:07on their level.

00:35:08He takes time out of whatever it is

00:35:10he's doing

00:35:11to make sure his kids are comfortable.

00:35:13Always keep the rhythm in your feet.

00:35:15Then we're gonna add

00:35:16just a little party in the shoulders,

00:35:18all right?

00:35:19Now let's get those arms going.

00:35:21This dad who plays

00:35:22has been taken further

00:35:23as an archetype since Phil

00:35:25in examples like

00:35:26Bluey's dad, Bandit.

00:35:28He's the modern kids show update

00:35:30to what Phil showed us.

00:35:31The most important thing

00:35:32kids really want from their parents

00:35:34is simple but hard.

00:35:36To be there and make fun moments.

00:35:38Phil and Claire have a classic

00:35:43good cop, bad cop dynamic

00:35:45and Phil gets the easy ride.

00:35:47He's the fun parent.

00:35:49Hey guys, guess who's taking you

00:35:50go-karting today?

00:35:51Hey.

00:35:53Why?

00:35:53Are we in trouble?

00:35:55But part of his character arc

00:35:56is that he comes to accept

00:35:58that he has the easy ride.

00:35:59I don't like being you.

00:36:00Nobody does.

00:36:05He doesn't have to change

00:36:06into a disciplinarian,

00:36:07but he does need to balance fun

00:36:09with setting boundaries.

00:36:10And being the fun parent

00:36:12doesn't mean he shirks

00:36:13being serious when he has to be.

00:36:15In Phil's case,

00:36:16he's forthcoming

00:36:17with important advice

00:36:18for his kids.

00:36:18And he's unafraid

00:36:19to share his raw emotions, too.

00:36:21You have value,

00:36:23talent,

00:36:24and potential

00:36:25that their tests can't measure.

00:36:26Who cares if you don't fit

00:36:28into their little box?

00:36:28You're finding your way.

00:36:29That's what your 20s are for.

00:36:31To take chances,

00:36:32to make mistakes

00:36:34and to learn from them.

00:36:35This puts Phil

00:36:36in a different category

00:36:37to many other on-screen dads.

00:36:40In movies from

00:36:40The Little Mermaid

00:36:41to Meet the Parents,

00:36:42fathers are shown

00:36:43to flex their authority

00:36:44and treat their daughters

00:36:46particularly like

00:36:47pure virginal princesses.

00:36:49They'll act terrifyingly

00:36:51to protect their little girls.

00:36:53But frankly, sir,

00:36:54I'm a little terrified

00:36:55of being your son-in-law.

00:36:56But Phil acknowledges

00:36:58that his children are human,

00:37:00capable of making mistakes

00:37:01and their own decisions, too.

00:37:03Phil does step up

00:37:04to protect his children, too.

00:37:06But in a warmer,

00:37:07more emotionally open way.

00:37:09One of Phil's

00:37:10most spectacular

00:37:11parenting moments

00:37:12is when Haley is trying

00:37:13to get a rise out of

00:37:14both of her parents

00:37:15with a gross older guy.

00:37:17Claire's parenting playbook

00:37:18is passed down

00:37:18from her dad.

00:37:19And that means

00:37:20she calls her kids bluff.

00:37:22Trust me,

00:37:23the more it bothers you,

00:37:24the longer he stays.

00:37:25The more we ignore it,

00:37:27the sooner Willie Nelson's

00:37:28on the road again.

00:37:29But Phil isn't like Jay.

00:37:31He's much more sensitive,

00:37:33and he needs his children

00:37:34to know he loves

00:37:35and supports them.

00:37:36Nice game of chicken, Claire.

00:37:38She's gone.

00:37:38She's coming back.

00:37:39I am almost positive.

00:37:40Actually,

00:37:41that's a super important thing

00:37:43for kids to know.

00:37:44Often,

00:37:44when they're trying

00:37:45to push their parents' buttons,

00:37:47children are looking

00:37:47for the security of boundaries.

00:37:50We see this

00:37:50at the end of the scene.

00:37:51Claire's right.

00:37:52Haley does come back.

00:37:54But Phil doesn't know,

00:37:55and is livid

00:37:56that his gut instinct

00:37:57to protect his child

00:37:59has been overridden.

00:38:00Give me the ticket for the car.

00:38:01I'm going after her.

00:38:02This little chicken game

00:38:03may work for your dad,

00:38:04but it doesn't work for me.

00:38:05That's my little girl.

00:38:09What's this?

00:38:10Just enjoy it.

00:38:11So what makes him

00:38:12a great dad

00:38:13is this combination

00:38:14of fun,

00:38:15boundaries,

00:38:16and an openness

00:38:17that provides his children

00:38:18a sense of respect.

00:38:23It's played as a joke,

00:38:24but Phil describes

00:38:25his style of parenting

00:38:26as peer-enting.

00:38:27Act like a parent.

00:38:29Talk like a peer.

00:38:30I call it parenting.

00:38:32Actually,

00:38:32according to psychologists,

00:38:34this is a great strategy.

00:38:36Speaking to your child

00:38:37as though they're an equal

00:38:38builds their self-esteem

00:38:39and their trust in you,

00:38:41which in turn means

00:38:42they're more likely

00:38:43to let you guide them.

00:38:45And many of Phil's

00:38:46parenting strategies

00:38:47appear on UNICEF's

00:38:48list of ways

00:38:49to talk to your teen.

00:38:50He communicates

00:38:51with his kids

00:38:51through what's interesting

00:38:52to them.

00:38:53So, for example,

00:38:54he finds out

00:38:55Alex is unhappy at college.

00:38:58Sometimes I feel like

00:38:58I just went through

00:38:59the four best years

00:38:59of my life

00:39:00only I forgot

00:39:02to make them

00:39:03the four best years

00:39:04of my life.

00:39:04He taps into her

00:39:05competitive nature

00:39:06and fierce intellect

00:39:07and makes her take

00:39:08on a trivia challenge

00:39:09with him.

00:39:10And he listens to

00:39:11and validates

00:39:12their emotions.

00:39:13I know it hurts now,

00:39:14sweetheart,

00:39:15but that's how you know

00:39:17it was a relationship

00:39:18worth having.

00:39:19Thanks, Dad.

00:39:23Phil gives great advice.

00:39:25He loves to impart

00:39:26his wisdom to his kids.

00:39:27Like when he gives

00:39:28Haley a hardbound book

00:39:30of lessons

00:39:30when she goes off

00:39:31to college.

00:39:32If you get pulled

00:39:32over for speeding,

00:39:34tell the policeman

00:39:35your spouse has diarrhea.

00:39:41Philososophy.

00:39:41And even though

00:39:42it can sound silly,

00:39:43his thoughtful nature

00:39:44means he often creates

00:39:46really special moments

00:39:47and lessons

00:39:48for all three

00:39:49of his children.

00:39:50Dad, I really like

00:39:50that book.

00:39:51I love you guys.

00:39:52Still,

00:39:53he definitely

00:39:54isn't perfect.

00:39:55One example

00:39:56is when he becomes

00:39:56visibly flustered

00:39:58when he finds out

00:39:58Haley lost her virginity.

00:40:00When he's talking

00:40:01to the camera about it,

00:40:02he plays out

00:40:02how he'd like it

00:40:03to have gone

00:40:04and acknowledges

00:40:05that he didn't live

00:40:06up to his own standards.

00:40:07I can't say

00:40:08that I'm thrilled

00:40:08to hear this,

00:40:09but I'm sure

00:40:09you're being safe

00:40:10and I hope

00:40:10that you'll feel free

00:40:11to talk to me

00:40:12about this anytime.

00:40:13Importantly, though,

00:40:14he reflects on

00:40:15how he handled

00:40:16the situation

00:40:16and learns from it.

00:40:18It's a really

00:40:19important scene

00:40:19for two reasons.

00:40:21Firstly,

00:40:21because it shows us

00:40:22that even great parents

00:40:23make mistakes.

00:40:25Fact.

00:40:26I blew it.

00:40:27And secondly,

00:40:28because we get to see

00:40:29how Haley perceived

00:40:30the situation.

00:40:31Instead of giving her

00:40:32the speech he wishes

00:40:33he did,

00:40:34he asks her to go

00:40:34grab a table for them

00:40:35in the food court.

00:40:36Do you want the counter

00:40:38or a booth?

00:40:40Whatever seems right

00:40:41to you,

00:40:44I trust you.

00:40:48And actually,

00:40:49his response

00:40:50is just what

00:40:51she needed.

00:40:52I have a cool dad.

00:40:56Sometimes,

00:40:57Phil seems almost

00:40:58absurdly sunny-natured.

00:41:00It's particularly stark

00:41:01in relation to Claire's

00:41:02more negative outlook.

00:41:04No, Phil,

00:41:04I can't.

00:41:05I can't.

00:41:06I am tired

00:41:06and I am sweaty

00:41:08and as much as I have

00:41:09tried to stay positive

00:41:11like you all day,

00:41:12I think sometimes

00:41:13we need to just

00:41:14face certain facts.

00:41:15But as well as being

00:41:16uplifting to watch,

00:41:17Phil's optimism

00:41:18is actually a really

00:41:19important part

00:41:20of how he parents.

00:41:22Sociologist Christine

00:41:23Carter writes that

00:41:24there's a close link

00:41:25between how optimistically

00:41:26kids think

00:41:27and how healthy

00:41:28and happy they are.

00:41:29And she goes on

00:41:30to say that

00:41:30one of the best ways

00:41:31we can foster optimism

00:41:33in our children

00:41:33is to model it ourselves.

00:41:36Remember,

00:41:36keep a positive attitude

00:41:37and good things

00:41:38will happen.

00:41:42By the end

00:41:43of the show's run,

00:41:43the Dumphy family

00:41:44have gone from

00:41:45the traditional

00:41:46working dad

00:41:46and stay-at-home mom

00:41:47set up

00:41:48to Claire being

00:41:48the breadwinner

00:41:49and Phil taking

00:41:50more of a backseat

00:41:51financially.

00:41:52And this is another way

00:41:54he's a great dad

00:41:55and partner.

00:41:55He's not worried

00:41:56about being emasculated.

00:41:58Unlike a lot

00:41:59of on-screen dads,

00:42:00he isn't aloof

00:42:01or hands-off.

00:42:02He genuinely

00:42:02loves his family

00:42:04and wants to be

00:42:04as involved with them

00:42:05as possible.

00:42:06This means he is

00:42:07happy to take on

00:42:08more of a role

00:42:09at home

00:42:09when Claire wants

00:42:10to go back

00:42:11to her career.

00:42:12But he also does

00:42:13a lot of care work

00:42:14when he has

00:42:14a full-time job,

00:42:15too.

00:42:16Nice try.

00:42:17You're grounded

00:42:17for two weeks.

00:42:19He's unfazed

00:42:21by gender stereotypes

00:42:22and is the more

00:42:23emotionally intuitive

00:42:24side of the partnership.

00:42:26He loves to buy

00:42:26Claire thoughtful gifts,

00:42:28for example,

00:42:28and masks his frustration

00:42:30when she buys him

00:42:31total flop gifts.

00:42:32You're so sweet

00:42:34and nice

00:42:35and I can't even

00:42:35give you a decent

00:42:36anniversary present.

00:42:37Accepting that

00:42:38they don't fit

00:42:39gender norms

00:42:39shows their kids

00:42:40that they don't have

00:42:41to have typical

00:42:42relationships either

00:42:43that the most

00:42:44important thing

00:42:45when it comes to

00:42:46family, friends,

00:42:47and life

00:42:47is finding joy.

00:42:49Your dad is the

00:42:50nicest, most

00:42:51positive person I know

00:42:52and he always helps

00:42:52me find the fun

00:42:53in life.

00:42:54In many ways,

00:42:55Phil was a new

00:42:56kind of TV dad.

00:42:57He wasn't macho

00:42:58or controlling,

00:42:59absent or a

00:43:00complete buffoon.

00:43:01On the contrary,

00:43:02he was always there.

00:43:03He was supportive,

00:43:05kind, and generous.

00:43:06He never failed

00:43:06to put his family first.

00:43:08And on top of it all,

00:43:09he was really,

00:43:10really nerdy.

00:43:11And all of these

00:43:12genuine,

00:43:13fairly uncool traits

00:43:15are what made him

00:43:16cool.

00:43:17Did Modern Family

00:43:17fail Haley?

00:43:19For most of the show's run,

00:43:20the oldest dumpy daughter

00:43:21was pigeonholed

00:43:22as the pretty,

00:43:23dumb,

00:43:23popular character.

00:43:24But did the show

00:43:25let her down

00:43:26by not letting her

00:43:27be more?

00:43:27Ew.

00:43:28In fact,

00:43:29is Haley even

00:43:29really dumb?

00:43:30She's often compared

00:43:31to her sister,

00:43:32Alex,

00:43:33who's a genius.

00:43:34But Haley is actually

00:43:35really good

00:43:35at a lot of things,

00:43:37even if those things

00:43:37aren't necessarily

00:43:38valued as much

00:43:39as her sister's

00:43:40academic intelligence.

00:43:42Haley's lack

00:43:42of textbook smarts

00:43:43is often played

00:43:44for laughs.

00:43:45I wish she was

00:43:45never even four!

00:43:46They were trying

00:43:47to make one with a brain!

00:43:49But it didn't have

00:43:50to be that way.

00:43:50There was an opportunity

00:43:51to use Haley

00:43:52to explore and celebrate

00:43:53the elements of intelligence

00:43:54that society often devalues.

00:43:56Her social savvy,

00:43:58her growth,

00:43:58and learning

00:43:59as a romantic partner,

00:44:00even her smarts

00:44:01as a mother.

00:44:02Instead,

00:44:02we got disappointing

00:44:03character development

00:44:04that felt more like

00:44:05a circle than an arc.

00:44:06Oh, grow up, Haley.

00:44:08Sadly, she can't.

00:44:10Such is the plight

00:44:10of the Peter Pan personality.

00:44:12Here's our take

00:44:13on how modern family

00:44:14failed Haley.

00:44:15You made me feel bad

00:44:16about myself

00:44:16and I deserve better

00:44:17than that, okay?

00:44:21Sarah Hyland's Haley

00:44:22is the archetypical

00:44:23pretty, fun,

00:44:24and not-too-bright character,

00:44:26and that's how she's seen

00:44:27by her whole family.

00:44:28Her sister, Alex,

00:44:29often plays up

00:44:30her own intelligence

00:44:31by belittling her siblings.

00:44:32Can I remind you,

00:44:33you have one child

00:44:34who's not mediocre?

00:44:35And even their parents,

00:44:36Claire and Phil,

00:44:37openly call Haley dumb.

00:44:38Who's our dumbest kid?

00:44:39Haley.

00:44:40But even though

00:44:40the characters around her

00:44:41rarely acknowledge it,

00:44:43there are moments

00:44:44that reveal Haley

00:44:44is actually very astute.

00:44:46I needed to stay sharp

00:44:47because they were

00:44:47obviously up to something.

00:44:49More than anyone else

00:44:50in the Dunphy family,

00:44:51she's socially gifted.

00:44:52She is great

00:44:53at reading people

00:44:54and always knows

00:44:55how to tell them

00:44:56what they want to hear

00:44:56or how to push their buttons

00:44:58and manipulate them.

00:44:59You guys spend

00:45:00all this time

00:45:00worrying about

00:45:01what I'm going to do

00:45:02and maybe you should

00:45:03start thinking

00:45:03about what you're

00:45:04going to do.

00:45:05And while she sometimes

00:45:06uses this power

00:45:07for personal gain,

00:45:08she also uses it

00:45:09to help the people

00:45:09she loves.

00:45:10In season two,

00:45:11Haley overhears Alex's

00:45:12planned valedictorian speech

00:45:14and knows it won't

00:45:15go over well

00:45:15at graduation.

00:45:16I was obsessed

00:45:17with good grades

00:45:18instead of looks,

00:45:19popularity,

00:45:20and skinny jeans.

00:45:21What?

00:45:21Is that your speech?

00:45:22Get out of here!

00:45:23You cannot say that!

00:45:25She uses the social

00:45:26intelligence that

00:45:26her book smart sister

00:45:27lacks in order

00:45:28to subtly convince Alex

00:45:30to change her speech.

00:45:31Instead of making

00:45:32a logical argument,

00:45:33she appeals to Alex

00:45:34emotionally.

00:45:35She sees that

00:45:36it's the popular kids,

00:45:37like her,

00:45:38who Alex is railing against,

00:45:39so she makes herself

00:45:40vulnerable

00:45:41and flatters

00:45:42her unpopular sister.

00:45:43Give your stupid speech,

00:45:44be an outcast,

00:45:45but you're only

00:45:45doing it to yourself

00:45:46because you're smart

00:45:47and pretty

00:45:48and sort of funny

00:45:49in a way

00:45:49that I don't really get.

00:45:50This is a pattern

00:45:51throughout the series.

00:45:53Alex might be

00:45:53the smart one

00:45:54when it comes to academics,

00:45:55but she regularly relies

00:45:56on Haley's social smarts

00:45:58to get through life

00:45:58outside of the classroom.

00:45:59I know you would never

00:46:01admit it,

00:46:02but you're scared.

00:46:06It's not the worst thing

00:46:07to have your own

00:46:08personal cheerleader.

00:46:09And Haley can often

00:46:10get the better of Alex

00:46:11by tapping into

00:46:12an emotional side

00:46:13of things that Alex

00:46:14doesn't really get.

00:46:15If you were in trouble,

00:46:16I would do anything for you.

00:46:19We're not just sisters.

00:46:21We're best friends.

00:46:23But no one ever gives Haley

00:46:24credit for her social intelligence.

00:46:26Even through the final season

00:46:28of the show,

00:46:28Haley is still represented

00:46:30as a pretty dumb character.

00:46:31The writers don't let her

00:46:32grow beyond that stereotype.

00:46:34The strange thing is that

00:46:35this is despite some false starts,

00:46:38where Haley shows more potential,

00:46:39but then her resulting character growth

00:46:41is stunted or outright ignored.

00:46:43At several points,

00:46:44she's shown to be savvy

00:46:45with a talent for business.

00:46:47But this part of her personality

00:46:48doesn't get developed

00:46:49into sustained storylines.

00:46:51There are multiple times

00:46:52over the 11 seasons

00:46:53where Haley appears

00:46:54to have a talent

00:46:55or seems on track

00:46:56to achieve something.

00:46:57It's a blog that I've been doing.

00:46:58I'm going to take

00:46:59a business class next semester,

00:47:00which I'm hoping

00:47:01will help me turn all of this

00:47:02into becoming a stylist.

00:47:03There's her burgeoning fashion career,

00:47:05her idea for a promo business,

00:47:06or her interest in photography.

00:47:08Someone just bought your photo

00:47:09of this beautiful lady.

00:47:11First one sold.

00:47:12Someone paid for something

00:47:13that I made!

00:47:15Me!

00:47:15But none of Haley's

00:47:16professional dreams

00:47:17ever come to fruition,

00:47:18nor do we see an arc

00:47:19that really explains why not.

00:47:21These ventures simply fade

00:47:22into the background

00:47:23and we never hear about them again

00:47:24after a few episodes.

00:47:26By dropping those storylines,

00:47:27the show misses an opportunity

00:47:28to showcase the many different paths

00:47:30to career fulfillment.

00:47:32Or it could have explored

00:47:33more deeply

00:47:33why Haley doesn't channel

00:47:35a sustained drive.

00:47:36If Haley's insecurities

00:47:37from how her family views her

00:47:38and the way she's been pigeonholed

00:47:40are the underlying reasons

00:47:41her excitement about new projects

00:47:42doesn't endure.

00:47:44Instead,

00:47:44the show isn't meaningfully

00:47:45interested in this aspect of her

00:47:47and seems to just take it

00:47:48for granted that Haley's personality

00:47:50won't really lead

00:47:51to any kind of achievement.

00:47:52Even someone as dumb as me

00:47:54can see that I'm a giant failure!

00:47:57It implies that Alex's route

00:47:59of going to college

00:48:00and studying hard

00:48:00is the only way

00:48:01to get the career you want.

00:48:03Because Haley's got more social skills

00:48:05than traditional intelligence,

00:48:06her story arcs rarely get to be

00:48:08about professional success

00:48:09or trials.

00:48:10Instead,

00:48:11they're usually built

00:48:12around her romantic life.

00:48:16Another way Modern Family failed Haley

00:48:18was arguably by having her

00:48:20end up with Dylan.

00:48:21We're like magnets

00:48:22that sometimes take a break

00:48:24to date other magnets.

00:48:25Although fans loved

00:48:26the chaotic nature

00:48:27of Haley's relationship

00:48:28with her original love interest,

00:48:30she had so many other boyfriends

00:48:31who were a better fit.

00:48:32Dylan was always obsessive

00:48:34about Haley

00:48:34and their connection

00:48:35was more physical.

00:48:36I just want to do you,

00:48:38do you.

00:48:39But in her relationship

00:48:40with Andy, for example,

00:48:42the two grew to like each other

00:48:43and got to know each other

00:48:44on an emotional level

00:48:46before getting together.

00:48:47I mean, I care about him.

00:48:48He makes me laugh.

00:48:49I like spending time with him.

00:48:50Andy appreciated Haley

00:48:52in a way that no other guy

00:48:53had before.

00:48:54Unlike most other people

00:48:55in her life,

00:48:55he recognized that she was smart

00:48:57and also that she needed

00:48:58to hear that.

00:48:59I did it.

00:49:00I got the job.

00:49:01Never bothered you.

00:49:02Their relationship

00:49:03was a slow burn

00:49:04and it addressed a lot of things

00:49:05that Haley's coupling

00:49:06with Dylan didn't.

00:49:07It helped her know herself better

00:49:09and wasn't based

00:49:09in insecurities.

00:49:10I like the me I am

00:49:11and I'm with you.

00:49:12Their genuine,

00:49:13honest connection

00:49:14made their relationship

00:49:15a fan favorite.

00:49:16And the only reason

00:49:17their love story ended

00:49:18when it did

00:49:18was because Adam Devine

00:49:19left the show

00:49:20due to scheduling issues.

00:49:21You guys love each other.

00:49:24You're making a huge mistake.

00:49:26Fans had little love

00:49:28for some of Haley's

00:49:28other love interests

00:49:29after Andy.

00:49:30And they may not

00:49:31have been the one,

00:49:32but even those relationships

00:49:33let her grow in ways

00:49:34she never could have

00:49:35with Dylan.

00:49:36Her relationship

00:49:36with an older weatherman

00:49:38named Rainer Shine

00:49:39brought her a lot of maturity.

00:49:41I guess I just really like this guy

00:49:42and I want to be able

00:49:43to show him I can fit

00:49:43into the more complicated

00:49:44parts of his life.

00:49:45And dating Alex's professor,

00:49:47Arvin,

00:49:47helped her learn

00:49:48to stand up for herself

00:49:49and feel more secure

00:49:50in her intelligence.

00:49:51Haley, where are you going?

00:49:53Oh, I was offered

00:49:53a fellowship to the bathroom

00:49:55and I'm accepting it.

00:49:56So after her seasons

00:49:57of soul searching

00:49:58and finding a newfound maturity

00:50:00through her romantic life,

00:50:01it felt like a step backwards

00:50:02to send Haley back to Dylan.

00:50:04She'd done so much growing,

00:50:06both personally

00:50:06and professionally,

00:50:07since they'd last dated.

00:50:09And while Dylan

00:50:09was a sweet person

00:50:10who'd also grown in some ways,

00:50:12Haley deserved

00:50:13a different conclusion

00:50:14to her story

00:50:14that reflected how far

00:50:15she'd come since season one.

00:50:17Instead,

00:50:18the final two seasons

00:50:19flattened out all her development

00:50:20and brought her right back

00:50:22to where she started.

00:50:23I have to get to work.

00:50:24Good job,

00:50:25that I love,

00:50:25which I don't even know

00:50:26if I can do with a baby.

00:50:29Haley got less screen time

00:50:31than usual in the final season,

00:50:33and she abandoned

00:50:34her professional ambitions

00:50:35once again

00:50:36after an unexpected pregnancy.

00:50:37And Haley's final story arc

00:50:39wasn't just a bit of a letdown

00:50:40for the fans.

00:50:41Actress Sarah Hyland,

00:50:43who plays Haley,

00:50:44voiced her frustrations

00:50:45about the final season

00:50:46to Cosmopolitan magazine.

00:50:47She said she wished

00:50:48her character had been able to

00:50:49own her badassery

00:50:51in the fashion world,

00:50:52becoming a badass stylist

00:50:53or brand mogul

00:50:54or anything like that.

00:50:55There are so many amazing mothers

00:50:57who are also hard workers

00:50:58and excel at their jobs

00:50:59and kill it every day

00:51:00in both aspects.

00:51:02So it wasn't just the fact

00:51:03that Haley's pregnancy

00:51:04came out of nowhere,

00:51:05it was also that her final story arc

00:51:07got in the way

00:51:08of what could have been.

00:51:09The pregnancy could have been

00:51:10an opportunity

00:51:11to let Haley show off

00:51:12her personal

00:51:13and professional growth.

00:51:14Instead, at first,

00:51:16the writers regressed Haley further

00:51:17and even set it up

00:51:18to look like she was going

00:51:19to fail at parenthood.

00:51:21I'm going to raise

00:51:21a couple losers

00:51:22just like me.

00:51:23Eventually,

00:51:24Haley does get to demonstrate

00:51:25growth and maturity

00:51:26in her approach to parenting.

00:51:28When she discovers

00:51:28that she's pregnant,

00:51:30she thoughtfully interrogates

00:51:31what motherhood means,

00:51:32what she might have to give up

00:51:33as a result of it,

00:51:34and how she might cope with it.

00:51:36Oh my god,

00:51:36I have to get to work.

00:51:38Good job,

00:51:38that I love,

00:51:39which I don't even know

00:51:39if I can do with a baby.

00:51:40And when the babies arrive,

00:51:42she comes into her own

00:51:43even more.

00:51:44She overcomes her insecurities

00:51:45about being ready

00:51:46for motherhood,

00:51:47reasonable insecurities

00:51:48after a lifetime

00:51:49of being told

00:51:49she wasn't good at anything.

00:51:51Maybe I'm just not

00:51:51meant to be a mom.

00:51:52And ultimately,

00:51:53it makes sense that someone

00:51:54who's always been socially

00:51:56and emotionally intelligent

00:51:57is going to really excel

00:51:59at being a parent.

00:52:00But those wins

00:52:00came at the cost

00:52:01of a finale

00:52:02that truly celebrated

00:52:03and devoted screen

00:52:04time to Hayley's smarts

00:52:05and growth

00:52:06across 11 seasons.

00:52:07In the end,

00:52:08the air-headed,

00:52:09beautiful woman

00:52:10finally proving herself

00:52:11by being a good mother

00:52:12is, well,

00:52:13a bit cliched.

00:52:14And fans wanted

00:52:15more for Hayley.

00:52:16Poppy, George,

00:52:17mommy's coming!

00:52:18Those sure look like

00:52:19mom instincts to me.

00:52:21You're a natural.

00:52:22Hayley's end point

00:52:23might not be

00:52:24the most satisfying

00:52:25of the modern family

00:52:26character's stories,

00:52:27but her arc

00:52:27still has its merits.

00:52:29There is something poetic

00:52:30about the way

00:52:31she ends up with Dylan

00:52:32after both of them

00:52:33have gone through

00:52:33a lot of change

00:52:34and developed hugely

00:52:35as people.

00:52:36And despite the cliched feel

00:52:37of her accidental pregnancy plot,

00:52:39it was nice to see

00:52:40some positive representation

00:52:41of millennial parenthood,

00:52:43something that's rarely explored

00:52:44on network television.

00:52:45You know,

00:52:46I read on a mommy blog

00:52:47that bad parenting

00:52:47is a direct link

00:52:48to future criminality

00:52:49and DJing.

00:52:50Hayley channels

00:52:51the young,

00:52:52hip aspects

00:52:52of her personality

00:52:53into motherhood.

00:52:54She reads up

00:52:55on the latest parenting strategies

00:52:56and even brings new ideas

00:52:58to the show's other mothers,

00:52:59Claire and Gloria,

00:53:00and she reminds us

00:53:01that moms are still human.

00:53:03Mama's done breastfeeding.

00:53:04These babies are all mine again

00:53:05and I'm ready

00:53:06to fill them up with wine.

00:53:07Ultimately,

00:53:08that's the best thing

00:53:09about Hayley.

00:53:10She tells it like it is

00:53:11and that's just

00:53:12so much fun to watch.

00:53:14So even if the show

00:53:15didn't get everything right,

00:53:17it gave us a character

00:53:18we can enjoy

00:53:18and appreciate on re-watching.

00:53:20Hayley teaches us

00:53:21that you don't have

00:53:22to be the most traditionally

00:53:23smart or successful one

00:53:25to have a really great time

00:53:26and be a valuable person,

00:53:28which is a lesson

00:53:29worth living by.

00:53:30From the outside,

00:53:31modern family's Claire Dunphy

00:53:32is a traditional housewife.

00:53:34Call me old-fashioned,

00:53:35but I wanted to focus

00:53:36on raising a family.

00:53:37But underneath,

00:53:37her pretty blonde

00:53:38holding everyone together exterior,

00:53:40there's a woman

00:53:40who's also a sort of husband.

00:53:42Though life has dealt

00:53:43Claire the cards

00:53:44that initially keep her at home

00:53:46with her three kids,

00:53:46she actually doesn't fit

00:53:48the stereotypical housewife mold.

00:53:50The girls never had a chance

00:53:51to see the other side of me.

00:53:53You know,

00:53:53powerful woman in charge.

00:53:55Yeah, because we never

00:53:56get to see her tough side.

00:53:58She often performs

00:53:59her mothering role

00:53:59out of a sense of duty

00:54:00rather than an obvious

00:54:02maternal instinct,

00:54:03and she is far less emotional

00:54:04than her breadwinner husband Phil.

00:54:06Claire also feels like

00:54:07the more dominant personality

00:54:08in her marriage,

00:54:09but despite their tendencies

00:54:10towards less gender-scripted roles,

00:54:12Hey, remember the day

00:54:13I proposed to you?

00:54:14Of course I do.

00:54:16I don't remember the exact date,

00:54:17but yes.

00:54:17March 19th, 1994.

00:54:19In early seasons,

00:54:20neither one of the Dunphy parents

00:54:22is able to explore

00:54:23their natural skill sets.

00:54:24So as Claire goes back to work,

00:54:26in many ways,

00:54:26the Dunphy's journey

00:54:27over the show's run

00:54:28is towards a more utopian ideal

00:54:30of the family,

00:54:31where everyone is able

00:54:32to play to their strengths

00:54:33instead of remaining boxed in

00:54:34by prescriptive

00:54:35and restrictive roles.

00:54:36Here's our take on Claire Dunphy,

00:54:38the model for the husband-wife.

00:54:40Phil, honey,

00:54:42we'll do Valentine's Day later, okay?

00:54:43In order to understand Claire's psychology,

00:54:55we need to understand

00:54:56the traditional husband role

00:54:57a little more.

00:54:58Historically,

00:54:58the husband was the head

00:54:59of the household,

00:55:00and the role came

00:55:01with almost absolute power

00:55:02over finance, property,

00:55:03and members of his family,

00:55:05including his wife,

00:55:06who ordinarily didn't work.

00:55:07I'm a housewife.

00:55:08Multiple factors,

00:55:09ranging from feminism

00:55:10to recessions,

00:55:11mean that the roles

00:55:11of men and women at home

00:55:12and in the workplace

00:55:13have increasingly diversified.

00:55:15But for Claire,

00:55:16there's a personal reason

00:55:17she's gravitated toward

00:55:18more traditionally male attitudes

00:55:20and behaviors

00:55:20from an early age.

00:55:22She had an extremely strained

00:55:23and competitive relationship

00:55:24with her mother,

00:55:25who provided Claire

00:55:26with no support growing up.

00:55:27My mom never went

00:55:28to any of my stuff,

00:55:29I'm fine.

00:55:30Because she was

00:55:31an incredibly competitive woman

00:55:32who didn't like to see me

00:55:33do very well at anything.

00:55:34So she turned to her father,

00:55:35Jay, for guidance.

00:55:37As a result,

00:55:37Claire emulates Jay's behaviors

00:55:39in a lot of circumstances,

00:55:40including the way

00:55:41she connects with other people.

00:55:43This is important

00:55:44because Jay is a very typical

00:55:45of his era patriarch,

00:55:47and Claire has inadvertently

00:55:48learned many of his rules

00:55:49on how to interact with family.

00:55:51Dad, you being so emotionally

00:55:53closed off makes it very difficult

00:55:55for your children

00:55:55to show affection.

00:55:57She spends much of the show's run

00:55:59attempting to make up for

00:56:00and even unlearn these behaviors,

00:56:02but still,

00:56:02she's much less emotionally

00:56:03motivated than Phil.

00:56:05While Phil performs

00:56:06much of the family's

00:56:06emotional labor,

00:56:07doing traditionally feminine jobs

00:56:09such as remembering anniversaries

00:56:11and planning out beautiful gifts,

00:56:12It's the actual porch swing

00:56:14where we had our first kiss.

00:56:15Claire regularly forgets

00:56:17their anniversary,

00:56:18messes up presents,

00:56:19or neglects the more

00:56:19sentimental side of things.

00:56:21You're so sweet and nice

00:56:23and I can't even give you

00:56:24a decent anniversary present.

00:56:26Though she lacks

00:56:26many feminine emotional tropes,

00:56:28there is one

00:56:29stereotypically female trait

00:56:31that Claire seems to embody.

00:56:32Early in the show's run,

00:56:33many fans commented on the fact

00:56:35that Claire was a nag.

00:56:36Phil managed to insinuate it

00:56:38in an early Valentine's episode

00:56:39where the two are role-playing

00:56:40different characters.

00:56:41She's always so tired

00:56:43and she's always making lists

00:56:44of things for me to do.

00:56:46Maybe if you did them,

00:56:46she wouldn't be so tired.

00:56:48Oh no, she can make lists for days.

00:56:50But the attributes

00:56:51that these people dislike in her,

00:56:52such as her brusqueness

00:56:53and perfectionism,

00:56:54are actually key aspects

00:56:56of Jay's character,

00:56:57ones which he isn't derided for.

00:56:59As Alex says in season three,

00:57:00when Claire runs for council

00:57:02and is referred to as unlikable,

00:57:03That's just the word men use

00:57:05for powerful women

00:57:05because they feel threatened.

00:57:07So just forget everything else

00:57:08and be proud and powerful.

00:57:10Meanwhile, Phil takes on

00:57:11a more gentle and emotional

00:57:13aspect of parenting,

00:57:14reframing the typical

00:57:15TV dad-husband role.

00:57:16In traditional TV families,

00:57:18the man is often cast

00:57:19as more aloof than his wife,

00:57:21taking a more formal relationship

00:57:22with the children

00:57:23because he doesn't know them as well,

00:57:24as he's out at work all day.

00:57:26In these typical portrayals,

00:57:27it's the wife's job

00:57:28to provide the children

00:57:29with affection and support,

00:57:31as well as facilitate

00:57:31their social lives

00:57:32and help with schoolwork.

00:57:33The father and husband's role

00:57:35is often framed

00:57:35as primarily financial,

00:57:37while the mother's

00:57:38infinitely more emotional role

00:57:39is priceless

00:57:40and therefore not financially rewarded.

00:57:43But in the Dunphy house,

00:57:44Phil provides a lot

00:57:45of emotional support.

00:57:46I know it hurts now, sweetheart,

00:57:48but that's how you know

00:57:50it was a relationship worth having.

00:57:53Thanks, Daddy.

00:57:54And it's actually Claire's

00:57:55determination and shrewd business mind

00:57:57that keeps the household

00:57:58running smoothly in early seasons.

00:58:00We have six hours,

00:58:01totally kid-free on, oh, the 14th.

00:58:04Hey, if we moved Alex's flight,

00:58:05we could have like 10 or 12 hours.

00:58:07Dream bigger, hot pants.

00:58:09Step aside.

00:58:10Because Claire is shown

00:58:11to derive a lot of value

00:58:12from work and financial compensation,

00:58:14in early seasons,

00:58:15she often seems to wonder

00:58:16what it would have been like

00:58:17if she could have stayed in the workforce

00:58:18rather than becoming

00:58:19a stay-at-home mom.

00:58:20In season one,

00:58:21we meet her former colleague, Valerie,

00:58:23who now has Claire's former dream job.

00:58:25The thought of Valerie

00:58:26getting the one job

00:58:26in the whole company

00:58:27that everyone coveted,

00:58:28well, I wasn't a lover of that.

00:58:30And we see that,

00:58:31in the face of this successful woman,

00:58:32Claire feels the need

00:58:33to justify her choice

00:58:34to stay at home with the kids,

00:58:36despite it being a common path

00:58:37for a mom in the 90s,

00:58:38and still for many now

00:58:39to have taken.

00:58:40We also see,

00:58:41even after she returns to work,

00:58:43she sometimes feels trapped

00:58:44and needs to get away from her family,

00:58:46not just the kids,

00:58:47but Phil too.

00:58:48I may have mentioned to Frank

00:58:49that Phil might be available that week.

00:58:52The only thing better than a kid-free week

00:58:54is a couple of days

00:58:55carved out just for mama.

00:58:56This is very real-life realistic,

00:58:59but it's still a fairly unusual portrayal

00:59:01of on-screen motherhood.

00:59:03Claire doesn't enjoy

00:59:04the mundane everyday tasks of motherhood

00:59:06in the way that many TV housewives

00:59:07are shown to.

00:59:08She finds many aspects

00:59:09of the housewife role

00:59:10thankless and genuinely stressful.

00:59:12I know that from the outside,

00:59:14it seems like I have everything together.

00:59:16No, not really.

00:59:17My point is that my life

00:59:19can be very stressful.

00:59:20And because she's so type A,

00:59:21she often exercises control

00:59:23in these areas,

00:59:24arranging the kids' activities

00:59:25in an intense,

00:59:26near-business-like manner.

00:59:27In the episode

00:59:28Good Cop, Bad Dog,

00:59:29Claire and Phil attempt to swap roles

00:59:31in an effort to give her an opportunity

00:59:32to be the fun parent.

00:59:34But the way that Claire's mind works

00:59:36turns having fun into a challenge,

00:59:38which she thinks she can systematize.

00:59:40Who wants a milkshake?

00:59:41Milkshake? Milkshake?

00:59:41Three milkshakes.

00:59:43I didn't really want a milkshake.

00:59:44The way she handles things

00:59:45makes it seem to her family

00:59:46like she's really high-strung,

00:59:48which she probably is,

00:59:49but that's in part because

00:59:50she's in a role that doesn't fit her,

00:59:52and she's trying to find satisfaction

00:59:54by replicating business at home.

00:59:56However, these aspects of Claire's personality

00:59:58aren't necessarily negative.

01:00:00By bringing her perfectionist streak

01:00:01into ordinary everyday family affairs,

01:00:03she elevates them to her standard,

01:00:06and her shrewdness often serves them really well.

01:00:09If you don't want people to come to you

01:00:10to solve their problems all the time,

01:00:11maybe don't be so good at it.

01:00:13For example,

01:00:13even though Phil is supposed to be

01:00:15the emotionally intelligent spouse,

01:00:17it's Claire who susses out

01:00:18that Hayley has lost her virginity

01:00:20and supports her through staying safe

01:00:21while keeping her secret.

01:00:22When Phil finds out,

01:00:23he has an overly emotional reaction,

01:00:26but Claire remains level-headed

01:00:27and trusting of Hayley,

01:00:28which is a great parenting approach.

01:00:30We can't treat Hayley differently

01:00:32just because we both know

01:00:33what we know about her.

01:00:39The show is unusually uncritical

01:00:42of Claire's tendencies

01:00:42towards traditionally masculine parenting

01:00:44and relationship interactions.

01:00:46This is in part because

01:00:47of the mockumentary setup,

01:00:48which doesn't allow for much analysis

01:00:50in the way that other shows do.

01:00:52However,

01:00:52Phil's softness and Claire's hardness

01:00:54are consistently highlighted,

01:00:56in a way that often feels skewed

01:00:57in a favorable light towards Phil.

01:00:59My perfect romantic husband

01:01:01who is far too good

01:01:03for this cold-hearted,

01:01:05bloodless wife-bot.

01:01:06In a way,

01:01:07this mirrors how,

01:01:08in real life,

01:01:09many men who are more involved

01:01:10in family life or homemaking

01:01:11are widely worshipped

01:01:13for doing anything more

01:01:14than the bare minimum

01:01:15of what's expected.

01:01:15In a 2010 article

01:01:17about the post-recession shift

01:01:19towards men taking on more child care

01:01:20while their wives worked,

01:01:22Tara Parker Pope,

01:01:23the author of

01:01:23For Better,

01:01:24The Science of a Good Marriage,

01:01:25quoted one house husband saying,

01:01:27we have a social expectation

01:01:28that men simply won't be able

01:01:30to take care of their kids

01:01:31or meet their kids' emotional needs.

01:01:33But this is patently untrue,

01:01:35and it's interesting

01:01:36that the modern family writers

01:01:37implicitly position Phil's

01:01:38sweetness of character

01:01:39as only possible

01:01:40because Claire has an apparent

01:01:41deficit of this.

01:01:43Claire has given up a lot

01:01:44for her family,

01:01:45and she is often positioned

01:01:46as negative and almost

01:01:47overly realistic

01:01:48in the face of Phil's dreams.

01:01:50On multiple occasions

01:01:51throughout the series,

01:01:51we see that she shuts down

01:01:52some of his more outlandish ideas.

01:01:54For the record,

01:01:56I don't squash all of Phil's dreams,

01:01:58just the ones that are,

01:01:58you know, potentially fatal.

01:02:00But if we look at these things

01:02:01from her perspective,

01:02:02we can see that this

01:02:03is a form of preservation.

01:02:05Phil, I'm so sorry,

01:02:06but your business was just taking off

01:02:07and it gives you really...

01:02:08I don't want to hear it.

01:02:09My own wife is the reason

01:02:10I don't have a career in magic.

01:02:12Phil's character also highlights

01:02:14the way that men often enjoy

01:02:15domestic roles more because

01:02:17it's not something

01:02:17they feel expected to do.

01:02:19When Claire returns to work,

01:02:20he implies that she's had

01:02:21an easy time of it,

01:02:22staying home and looking

01:02:23after the house and kids.

01:02:24After a 20-year vacation,

01:02:26Claire is rejoining the workforce.

01:02:28Without a vacation,

01:02:28this is a great illustration

01:02:29of how child-rearing

01:02:31can be really fun

01:02:32when it's not your sole responsibility,

01:02:34or when it's something

01:02:34you feel you're choosing,

01:02:36rather than it being externally imposed.

01:02:38Phil is able to be the fun,

01:02:40playful parent,

01:02:40because his interactions with his kids

01:02:42are seen as a bonus.

01:02:43Meanwhile, Claire has always

01:02:44had to be bad cop

01:02:46because the admin side of parenting,

01:02:48which includes punishing the kids,

01:02:49falls to her as the main caregiver.

01:02:51I don't like being you.

01:02:53Oh, nobody does.

01:03:00As modern family progresses

01:03:01and Claire goes back to work,

01:03:03we begin to see a new side of her.

01:03:04Being more powerful in the world

01:03:06means she's actually vulnerable

01:03:08in a way we rarely see early on,

01:03:10with the exception of her town council run.

01:03:11Why are you no running for office?

01:03:13Because I don't want to lose!

01:03:15In that instance,

01:03:16we see how damaging

01:03:17the combination of perfectionism,

01:03:19ambition,

01:03:19and stay-at-home motherhood

01:03:21has been to Claire's self-esteem.

01:03:22She no longer thinks

01:03:23she can achieve what she wants to.

01:03:25I haven't done anything

01:03:26outside of my house in 18 years.

01:03:28I don't want the first thing I do

01:03:30to be a complete failure.

01:03:31As she eases herself back

01:03:32into the workforce,

01:03:33she has to remind herself,

01:03:34and also Jay, her new boss,

01:03:36of the value of her experiences.

01:03:38Dad, you seem to forget

01:03:39that I raised three children

01:03:42and I had a career before this.

01:03:46In later seasons,

01:03:47as she gets back

01:03:47into the flow of her career,

01:03:49we get a utopian snapshot

01:03:50of what a family looks like

01:03:52when everyone is playing

01:03:52to their strengths.

01:03:54Claire is comfortable

01:03:54bringing home money,

01:03:55while Phil is comfortable

01:03:56letting her do that,

01:03:57taking more of a pastoral role at home.

01:03:59And in response

01:04:00to feeling more fulfilled,

01:04:01Claire also becomes better

01:04:03at the big gestures that Phil loves.

01:04:05We see throughout the series

01:04:06that Phil's love language

01:04:07is basically giant PDAs.

01:04:09He likes to spoil Claire

01:04:10and he wishes she'd spoil him back.

01:04:12But at first,

01:04:12she has real trouble replicating that,

01:04:14because it doesn't come naturally to her.

01:04:16You never want anything.

01:04:17Things I want.

01:04:18Robot dog.

01:04:19Night vision goggles.

01:04:20Bug vacuum.

01:04:21GPS watch.

01:04:22Speakers that look like rocks.

01:04:24I love my wife,

01:04:25but she sucks at giving gifts.

01:04:26As the series goes on

01:04:27and she begins to be more fulfilled

01:04:28outside of the home,

01:04:30her domineering nature

01:04:31also seems to lessen somewhat

01:04:32around her family.

01:04:33But interestingly,

01:04:34she takes on even more

01:04:35traditionally masculine traits

01:04:37at this point too,

01:04:37and that includes in gift giving.

01:04:40After replacing Phil as the breadwinner

01:04:42when she has a large,

01:04:43disposable income of her own,

01:04:44Claire is able to indulge him

01:04:45with the lavish gestures

01:04:46and spontaneity he desires.

01:04:48This aligns her not just with Jay,

01:04:50Jay is very spontaneous.

01:04:52He's always surprising me

01:04:53with little presents,

01:04:55fun getaways,

01:04:56but also with many men from TV

01:04:57who show their affection

01:04:58through expensive gifts.

01:04:59Claire isn't a traditional romantic.

01:05:01You told Phil to take back

01:05:02your engagement ring

01:05:03and buy you a washer dryer.

01:05:04And it takes her a while

01:05:05to work out how to show Phil

01:05:07she loves him.

01:05:08It turns out for Claire,

01:05:09buying Phil extremely expensive gifts,

01:05:11such as a magic shop,

01:05:12is her way of making up

01:05:13for what are framed

01:05:14as her former transgressions.

01:05:16Our kids are grown.

01:05:17I run a company.

01:05:18You've got a great day job.

01:05:20I thought maybe it was time

01:05:21you picked up an old hobby.

01:05:23Are those?

01:05:25Keys to your new magic shop.

01:05:27Meanwhile,

01:05:27what Phil picks up on,

01:05:29and this is something many men

01:05:30who buy expensive gifts

01:05:31are also guilty of,

01:05:32is that this still keeps Claire

01:05:33in control.

01:05:34It's kind of funny

01:05:34that you're making up

01:05:35for making a decision

01:05:36that should have been mine

01:05:37by making another decision for me.

01:05:39This shift in the family power dynamic

01:05:40doesn't mean that Claire

01:05:42simply adopts all masculine traits

01:05:44or Phil all feminine ones.

01:05:45It can be difficult

01:05:46to undo years of learned

01:05:47gendered behaviors.

01:05:49As sociologist Andrea Doucette says,

01:05:51you can't just reverse the genders.

01:05:53What Claire and Phil do show us,

01:05:55however, is that focusing

01:05:56on these traditional roles

01:05:57can be reductive

01:05:58because people's personalities

01:05:59don't necessarily fit

01:06:01with the roles we ascribe to them.

01:06:02Actually, Phil and Claire

01:06:03become closer

01:06:04by meeting one another

01:06:05in the middle.

01:06:06Earlier in the show's run,

01:06:07Claire hides how hard

01:06:08she finds her life

01:06:09while Phil is happy-go-lucky.

01:06:11But towards the end,

01:06:12they are both more comfortable

01:06:13with admitting what's going on

01:06:15and communicating about

01:06:16how they can help each other

01:06:17get through it.

01:06:18Remember how terrified I was

01:06:20when I took over from my dad

01:06:21and suddenly you were there.

01:06:24You just put your arms around me

01:06:25and it made me realize

01:06:26I'm not going through this alone.

01:06:29Now that she has appropriate space

01:06:30and time to flex her business muscles,

01:06:32Claire is also more able

01:06:33to see the magic

01:06:34in her husband's weird ideas.

01:06:36We need to just face certain facts

01:06:37like corporate people

01:06:39are not creative

01:06:40and ducks that haven't hatched

01:06:42in a month might never.

01:06:45Oh my God, Phil,

01:06:46I think it's hatching.

01:06:47Likewise, Phil is more prepared

01:06:49to take on some of the less fun

01:06:50aspects of parenting.

01:06:51In Claire Dunphy,

01:06:52we get a rare, genuine portrayal

01:06:54of modern motherhood,

01:06:55a fallible woman

01:06:56who initially has sacrificed

01:06:58a career to raise her children,

01:06:59but isn't necessarily comfortable

01:07:01with her choice

01:07:02and who shows us that as a parent,

01:07:03fulfillment comes in many

01:07:04different shapes and sizes.

01:07:06When we look at her closely,

01:07:07we can see that Claire really suits

01:07:09the provider role

01:07:10rather than the nurturer.

01:07:11She takes after her father

01:07:12and in that respect,

01:07:13emulates many of the traits

01:07:14traditionally prized in a dad.

01:07:16But that doesn't stop her

01:07:17from being a great mom.

01:07:19Someone will ask you to dance.

01:07:20But what if they don't?

01:07:22Honey, if they don't,

01:07:24then you do the exact same thing

01:07:25I told your sister.

01:07:27Okay?

01:07:27Take three deep breaths and relax.

01:07:30She approaches her relationships

01:07:31with her kids

01:07:32from a refreshingly logical

01:07:33and analytical perspective.

01:07:35Her type A personality

01:07:36doesn't hold her back

01:07:37from loving or recognizing

01:07:39what's wonderful about her family,

01:07:40even when they fail to meet

01:07:41her exacting standards.

01:07:43And they love her precisely

01:07:44because of that unique mix

01:07:46of qualities that is Claire.

01:07:48That's the take.

01:07:50Click here to watch a video

01:07:51we think you'll love,

01:07:52or here to check out

01:07:53a whole playlist of awesome content.

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Modern Family: Breaking Free From Stereotypes & Finding Their True Selves | Compilation

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