- 19 hours ago
We all want that perfect love, but sometimes things just *aren't* meant to be (even when it really seems like they should be!) We're taking a deep dive into one of the most painful relationship...
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00:00Emily Waltham is the woman you know is never really going to be the one.
00:04Like so many of the love interests on Friends,
00:06Ross's second wife is an example of the stepping-stone love interest,
00:09a character who serves as a transition to the OTP,
00:12or one true pairing in a story.
00:14And Emily is the most hated version of a stepping-stone,
00:17the first runner-up or the greatest threat to the show's main couple Ross and Rachel.
00:21"'It's Ross. How can I watch him get married?'
00:26On Friends, Emily is painted as controlling, difficult, and paranoid,
00:30not chill enough to fit in with the other friends like Rachel.
00:33But if you look at the facts, Emily's behavior is not that unreasonable.
00:37She's swept off her feet by a guy who acts like he's crazy about her,
00:40who pushes her into a whirlwind wedding that happens faster than she wants.
00:44Then he shocks and humiliates her by saying his ex-girlfriend's name at the ceremony.
00:48"'Could've been worse. He could've shot her."
00:51And, um, invites said ex on their honeymoon.
00:54"'I mean, I have two tickets. Why not?'
00:57What human would be comfortable with her husband then
00:59hanging out constantly with that ex?
01:01Actually, we should empathize with Emily.
01:03She's up against a secretly emotionally unavailable man,
01:06his fairly hostile group of friends,
01:08and even a team of writers and an audience fiercely predisposed to hate her.
01:12Let's take a closer look at Emily, the runner-up love interest,
01:15and what we can learn from her side of this story.
01:18"'Well, you have to understand how humiliating it was for me,
01:21up on the altar in front of my entire family,
01:23all my friends.'"
01:34To understand Emily's descent from wide-eyed, joyful girlfriend,
01:37to jealous, fearful wife, let's look at friends from her perspective.
01:41Londoner Emily is having a supremely bad visit to New York.
01:44"'I've already been run down by one of your wiener carts,
01:47and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport.'"
01:50Her uncle's employee Rachel is supposed to take her to the opera,
01:52but at the last minute, Rachel stands her up and sends her out
01:55with some guy Emily doesn't know at all.
01:57She's already seeing someone back home, a guy named Colin,
02:00but to her great surprise, her immediate connection with Ross
02:03leads them to a romantic bed and breakfast in Vermont,
02:05and she even finds herself drawn to the potential for something deeper.
02:08"'That girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends,
02:12asking to hear stories about you. I mean, you don't do that if you're just in it for two weeks.'"
02:19Ross chases Emily to the airport to tell her he loves her, awkwardly catching her off guard,
02:24"'I love you.'"
02:25"'Thank you.'"
02:25But the showy display of feeling gets in her head. When she gets home, she ends things with Colin and
02:30even goes for a romantic grand gesture herself, flying back to New York to tell Ross she loves him back.
02:36As sweet as Ross acts with her in these early stages, his behavior has the classic hallmarks of
02:41love bombing, showering another person with attention and affection in a really short period
02:46and pushing them for a quick commitment.
02:48"'Damn, I thought that was going to be romantic as hell.'"
02:54"'It was.'"
02:55Then, after getting the other person hooked on this over-the-top performative love,
02:59suddenly changing, the love bomber may become manipulative, controlling, or possessive,
03:04"'They're going to the gym together, two women, stretching.'"
03:08and threaten to withdraw their attention if the person doesn't do what they want.
03:12"'Costponing it is not an option. This is when we're getting married.'"
03:15After only six weeks, Ross asks Emily to move in with him.
03:19"'Don't be scared. I know it sounds crazy and people will say it's too soon,
03:24but just think. Think how great it would be.'"
03:28But this is him asking her to give up her whole life in London and immigrate,
03:32without any comparable sacrifices by him. Emily is hesitant.
03:35"'My whole family lives there. My job.'"
03:38So Ross responds to her nervous reluctance by raising the stakes
03:42and dazzling her with an actual marriage proposal.
03:44"'It would be different if it was way into the future
03:48and we were getting married or something.'"
03:50"'Why don't we?'
03:51He leaps from wanting to simply solve the problem of them having to travel overseas
03:55to date to declaring it's perfect for them to be together forever.
03:59"'It's perfect. I mean, it's better than you just moving here,
04:03because it's us together forever.'"
04:04Ross is the one aggressively forcing this relationship forward,
04:07while Emily voices misgivings on multiple occasions.
04:10"'I don't know. Oh, leaving London.
04:14If you don't understand how important this is to me,
04:17well then perhaps we shouldn't be getting married at all.'"
04:19only to give in due to the intensity of his passion.
04:22When the ongoing construction on the church where they plan to marry
04:25raises the possibility of delaying the wedding,
04:27Ross gives her an ultimatum.
04:28"'What are you saying? It's now or never?'
04:30"'I'm saying it's now.'"
04:31"'Or?'
04:31"'There's no or in mine.'"
04:33And again, he overcomes her doubts and bends her to his will
04:36by framing his demand as a romantic gesture.
04:39But his motives here seem driven less by what's right for his and Emily's love
04:43than by how it looks and what people will think if the event is canceled.
04:46"'Do you think my sister's teeny tiny little brain
04:49comprehends that people took time out of their lives
04:53to fly thousands of miles to be here?'
04:56Just as in other plots, he makes numerous decisions based on what people will think
04:59about his situation.
05:01"'I just don't want my tombstone to read Ross Geller's Three Divorces.'"
05:05After all this romantic strong-arming to make the wedding happen,
05:08he then, who could forget, says his ex's name at the altar.
05:12"'I, Ross, take thee Rachel.'"
05:14It's literally any bride's or person's worst nightmare.
05:18Afterwards, Ross attempts to make a joke out of it,
05:20"'That was pretty funny, wasn't it?'
05:23and is still trying to keep up appearances.
05:26"'It's like a nightmare. My friends and family are out there.
05:29How can I face them?'
05:30"'No, no, no, you take your time, sweetie. I'll be right out here.'"
05:35"'She's just fixing her makeup.'"
05:37After this, Emily decides to give Ross another chance,
05:39only to see him leaving for their honeymoon with the woman whose name he said.
05:44Now Emily just wants space to process this whole trauma, so of course,
05:47Ross bombards her with generic love gestures.
05:50"'No one will tell me where Emily is,
05:52so I'm gonna send 72 long-stemmed red roses to her parents' house,
05:56one for each day that I've known and loved her.'"
05:59She tries to enforce clear boundaries after he calls members of her family and insults them
06:04when they won't put him in touch with her, but Ross just tells her he'll persist.
06:07After taking the time to think, Emily does want to work on the marriage,
06:11but instead of sending a few roses, she needs Ross to take some actions
06:14that actually demonstrate his commitment through some measure of sacrifice,
06:18like she's done for him.
06:19She asks him to move to London.
06:21When he refuses, for the valid reason that he can't leave his son,
06:24she wants him to start over with her in a new place
06:27and stop hanging out with the ex whose name he said.
06:29Frankly, it's the bare minimum most partners would expect.
06:32"'It drives me mad just thinking of you being in the same room as her.'"
06:35She's been offered no satisfying explanation as to why Ross said his ex's name at the altar,
06:40and was about to take her on their honeymoon,
06:42and she has an accurate instinct that there is still a connection between these two.
06:47She's isolated, away from her husband, and he lies to her,
06:50telling her he won't see his ex, then actually still does.
06:54"'How could you do this to me?
06:56I thought I'd made my feelings about Rachel perfectly clear.
06:59You obviously can't keep away from her.'"
07:01At this point, Emily is portrayed as controlling, unreasonable, and paranoid.
07:05"'Emily, that's ridiculous.'"
07:07But even if she is starting to behave in a possessive, insecure,
07:10even slightly vindictive way when it comes to things like making him sell his furniture,
07:14"'Emily thinks Ross's furniture's got Rachel cooties.'"
07:18It's entirely understandable.
07:20Who wouldn't with a partner who's behaving like Ross has?
07:22After Ross points out the flaws in her thinking,
07:25"'I'll feel better when I'm there, and I can know where you are all the time.'"
07:29"'You can't know where I am all the time.'"
07:32Emily does the mature thing and acknowledges that their relationship's trust is too damaged to recover.
07:38"'This marriage is never gonna work if you don't trust me.'"
07:41"'You're right.'"
07:43"'So can you trust me?'
07:47"'No.'"
07:47But while Emily's lack of trust ends up being given as their relationship's final cause of death,
07:52in fact, Emily does initially trust him until she has reasons not to.
07:56It's Ross who baselessly mistrusts Emily earlier in the relationship.
08:00"'Emily is just crazy about Susan. Yeah. They're going to the theater together.
08:06They're going to dinner. My girlfriend's a lesbian.'"
08:09Ross is never really honest with Emily. Actually, to him, that's part of the appeal
08:13of their relationship, that he can be something else when he's with her.
08:16"'Oh blimey, I still can't believe you've got an earring!'
08:19"'Huh? I know, I know. Who am I? David Poway?'
08:22In the scene when he plays rugby with her guy friends, he goes to lengths to pretend to enjoy it
08:26and prove his masculinity, even though Emily shows no signs of caring about this.
08:30More centrally, he blindsides her by not communicating about how weighty and
08:35recent his emotional history with Rachel really is. Even if it's been a minute since he and Rachel
08:39broke up, it's not that long since they considered getting back together. If anything, it's hard to
08:44understand why Emily doesn't pull the plug sooner. But this is a testament to just how effective love
08:48bombing can be at making the recipient struggle to detach from all that intense amorous attention.
08:53"'Look, you're my wife. We're married, you know? I love you. I really miss you.'
08:59"'I miss you too.'
09:01"'Well, at least I think I do.'"
09:07The Friends team did want Emily to be in the show for a little longer.
09:11Actress Helen Baxendale got pregnant after Season 4,
09:14which is why during Season 5's phone calls we see her in bed.
09:17And Baxendale didn't like the tabloid attention she was receiving.
09:20But it was obvious Emily was never meant to be around when the show finished.
09:24As Friends co-creator Marta Kaufman put it,
09:26the show is about,
09:27"'That time in your life when your friends or your family,
09:29because once you have your own family, things change.'"
09:32If Ross ended up with Emily, the show was, well, over.
09:36"'It's not all laughing, happy, candy in the sky, drinking coffee at Central Park all the time.
09:42It's real life, okay? It's what grown-ups do."
09:45This seems to be why it's only at the end of the series that Phoebe gets married,
09:49Monica and Chandler have kids, and Ross and Rachel at last unite,
09:53while Joey, the only character without a family, got his spinoff.
09:56The Ross-Rachel relationship is the show's ultimate storyline,
10:00and Emily isn't the first or last disposable love interest
10:03to be rolled out to come between them.
10:04It's been happening since Monica and Rachel's prom.
10:07Even Joey has a turn in the position of Rachel's disposable love interest.
10:11Shows like Friends feature a long series of stepping-stone love interests,
10:14but there's usually the big one, the first runner-up,
10:18who represents the biggest obstacle to the main couple,
10:20and Friends does this through Ross and Emily's wedding.
10:23"'It's over. You know what? No, it's not over until someone says I do.'"
10:27It's a structural setup that unfairly turns the runner-up into an antagonist,
10:31even a villain, just because they were naive or unfortunate enough
10:34to fall for someone whose heart had already been called dibs on by another.
10:38We're encouraged to dislike the runner-up precisely for what's great about them,
10:42whatever tempts the main person away from their soulmate.
10:45"'And I like Finn. He's perfect for me.'"
10:47And often the runner-up love interest displays opposing characteristics to the endgame love,
10:51in a way that might illuminate why the true love pair are really a perfect match.
10:55In Sex and the City, Aiden is the ready-to-commit sweetheart
10:58that Carrie's primary love interest, Big, is not.
11:00So Carrie has to confront if easy commitment is really what she wants,
11:04or if she actually likes Big's unattainable nature.
11:07"'The irony is Aiden's acting exactly the way I wish Big would've behaved,
11:12and I'm behaving just like Big.
11:14"'Maybe you don't believe it's for real unless somebody's playing hard to get.'"
11:17Meanwhile for Big, Natasha is the young, model-esque trophy wife he thinks he should have.
11:22But ultimately, life with Natasha doesn't make him happy
11:25the way his relationship with less conventionally perfect Carrie does.
11:29"'Everything in my apartment is now beige. Beige is bullshit.'"
11:35"'I thought you wanted beige.'"
11:36In Friends, as a quintessential English rose, Emily is the polar opposite of all-American Rachel
11:42Green. And through this opposition, the writing affirms why, ultimately, Ross is supposed to
11:47choose Rachel. Whereas Rachel is fun and chill, the kind of girl you want to hang out with, Emily is
11:52proper and uptight, not one of the Friends. Emily is cultured and foreign, offering Ross a blank slate
11:58and the chance to be someone different. But down to earth, Rachel is from Ross' hometown and has
12:02known him for his whole life, so it's implied she brings out the real him.
12:06It's a similar situation with Ross' other major stepping-stone girlfriends, Julie and Charlie,
12:11both scientists in Ross' field who are highly emotionally controlled, proper, and professional.
12:16Whereas we often see Rachel acting impulsive, instinctive, and unfiltered.
12:20"'I mean, isn't that just kick you in the crotch, spit on your neck, fantastic.'"
12:23On the surface, Rachel isn't as well-suited to Ross as any of these women when it comes to interests,
12:29temperament, or values.
12:30"'All we care about is that it's happy and healthy."
12:33"'Oh, yep. Happy and healthy and cute."
12:35"'And smart.'"
12:36"'Popular.'"
12:37Yet, while perhaps his other love interests better reflect the person he thinks he is,
12:41Rachel mirrors something more ineffable and basic about what he wants.
12:44"'Okay, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?'
12:47"'She's not Rachel.'"
12:49On the other end of the spectrum, Ross' girlfriends Mona and Elizabeth are a little too chill.
12:53Mona even largely supports Ross having a baby with Rachel while they're together,
12:58but this makes them poor matches for Ross, who needs elaborate drama, like he gets with Rachel.
13:02"'I gave her a key to my apartment and then I had the locks changed.
13:07And then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me.
13:10In a way, I actually judge her for not breaking up with me sooner.'"
13:14But perhaps what's most non-Rachel about Ross' runner-up love, Emily,
13:18is that her relationship with Ross is, at first, easy, straightforward, and fast.
13:23They fall for each other right away and don't have trouble expressing it.
13:26Rachel and Ross' drawn-out, on-again, off-again,
13:29friend-zoned romance is as far as you can get from simple and easy.
13:33"'Rachel and Ross, that's been one heck of a seesaw, hasn't it?'
13:37So it's in this that Emily represents a more existential threat to the love story.
13:41If she and Ross really do get happily married, they'll disprove the idea that the one true love
13:46is supposed to be arrived at over time, through a long, winding road of friends eventually growing
13:51together.
13:52Alongside all Ross' behavior, Emily's plot also reveals that the friends themselves are a pretty
13:57tough crowd for an outsider to enter into — a group of six so impenetrable and codependent that
14:02four of them end up with each other. The friends rarely seem to like each other's outside partners.
14:07"'I hear you hate me.'
14:10"'I never said hate. I was very careful about that.'"
14:12When Emily makes a final phone appearance in Season 5,
14:15Rachel and Monica control Ross' involvement with her even further.
14:18"'We have to erase that. Is that what you want? Ross back with that controlling,
14:23neurotic, crazy Emily?'
14:25But as Monica accuses Emily of being controlling, neurotic, and crazy,
14:28while vouching to delete Emily's voicemail, the joke is that Monica's embodying these
14:33attributes herself. She then runs through scenarios of disrupting the wedding,
14:36both of which Rachel has actually done.
14:39"'What's he gonna do? Like, Ross is gonna run over there on the wedding day
14:42and break up the marriage? I mean, who would do that?'
14:45So, Emily is really a lens on how insular these six friends can be. And in the end,
14:50we should feel happy for Emily that at least she gets out of a situation where her husband is in
14:54love with his ex-girlfriend and will unilaterally put his friends over their marriage."
15:03In the end, by nixing the idea that Ross and Emily's whirlwind romance could be the real thing,
15:08Friends doubles down instead on the very different philosophy of love that Ross and Rachel represent.
15:14"'Because she's your lobster. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life.'"
15:19In her 2005 book The New Single Woman, sociologist Ellen K. Trimburger writes that,
15:24The idea of a bond that seems predestined is attractive, particularly in the U.S.
15:29As Trimburger puts it,
15:30"'In America, people work longer hours than anywhere else in the world,
15:34and are similarly encouraged to work on their relationships,
15:36so it's a relief to be told you could find the perfect person without any effort."
15:41And even, according to Friends,
15:42that you'll be brought back together however many mistakes you make to drive each other away.
15:47"'Cause this is where I want to be. Okay, no more messing around.'"
15:50The fated endgame relationship appears regularly on screen, and never so often as in the late 90s
15:55and early 2000s, after decades of women being told they could have it all,
15:59but struggling to actually find time for it all.
16:02But in an interview with Women's Health, clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff says that the idea
16:06that you'll meet a soulmate paves the way for significant disappointment.
16:10Instead, replace the idea of finding your soulmate with creating one through years of learning about
16:15them — navigating challenges, creating a family, and loving each other through all the happy and hard times.
16:20Monica's relationship with Chandler, and even Rachel's relationship with Joey,
16:24fit this redefinition of the soulmate better.
16:26They develop feelings after years of friendship,
16:29based on seeing each other for what they are underneath.
16:31"'How long have we known each other?'
16:33"'Um, seven, eight years.'
16:37"'I think I'm falling in love with you.'"
16:39By contrast, Ross is so invested in the predestined soulmate myth,
16:43that it's like he sees this imaginary Endgame woman everywhere he goes.
16:47He follows initial sparks to excessive ends, but Ross doesn't ever seem interested
16:52in putting in the work it would take to create a long-lasting soulmate.
16:55He'll make extreme gestures and chase Emily, Elizabeth, and Rachel to the airport,
17:00in lieu of having real, sit-down conversations about how he feels.
17:03He doesn't show much desire to listen to or learn about his partners,
17:07seeing their bids to explain their perspective to him as an attack or something boring.
17:11We know that ever since divorcing Carol, all Ross has wanted is another wife.
17:16"'I just want to be married again.'"
17:17It's telling that he starts shoehorning Emily into this role right after Rachel
17:21tells him she's ready to move on with her crush, Joshua.
17:24"'I thought we'd gotten to a place where we could be happy for each other.
17:27I mean, was that just me?'
17:31"'All right, I'll do it.'"
17:31Ross is actively seeking something new with whoever shows up at that moment.
17:35Ross makes Emily feel she's bringing out a new spontaneous side of him.
17:39"'Our first date, we ended up spending the whole weekend in Vermont.
17:43I mean, last night I got my ear pierced. Me!'
17:46But their intense early romance is actually in keeping with him being a relationship collector,
17:51who impulsively jumps into serious relationships.
17:54Not unlike Ted on How I Met Your Mother, Ross believes so strongly in his myth of the one
17:59that he can end up acting pretty insensitive and thoughtless to anyone he decides isn't that one.
18:04He callously compares women's merits as if they're candidates for the role of his perfect wife.
18:09"'The one from Poughkeepsie, even though she's a two-hour train ride away, is really pretty,
18:14really smart, and a lot of fun. But this other girl, well, she lives right uptown.
18:19Oh, and like, Julie and I, we have a lot in common because we're both paleontologists, right?
18:23But Rachel's just a waitress.'"
18:26And it's all really about him. What he loves most about Emily is how great she makes him look and act.
18:32"'When I'm with you, I'm like this whole other guy. I love that guy. I mean, I love you too,
18:39a lot. But that guy!'
18:41He's chasing a feeling and idea of himself.
18:44But framing a pairing as the true love isn't an excuse for treating someone else badly.
18:48The fact that this often happens in Ross and Rachel's love lives reveals an underlying
18:52self-centeredness, even childishness, to believing that the universe is set up to deliver you and your
18:57soulmate to each other. No matter how many disposable hearts are strewn along that
19:02path.
19:02"'You say you love this man, and yet you're about to ruin the happiest day of his life.
19:06But you are a horrible, horrible person.'"
19:09Ultimately, no person is disposable. And if we're upfront, honest, and committed,
19:14we can make a soulmate out of just about anyone we have that initial spark with.
19:18"'I don't think that you and I were destined to end up together.
19:21I think that we fell in love and we work hard at our relationship.'"
19:25If Ross had made more of an effort to get to know Emily, rather than molding her into his desired wife,
19:30if he'd allowed the relationship to develop at its natural pace instead of pushing it along
19:34faster than he was ready for. And if he'd not been so set on the idea of destiny,
19:39the show's trajectory could've been different.
19:41As much as our culture makes it sound sweet to leap before you look,
19:44Emily's story reminds us that, when entering and exiting relationships,
19:48it's important to proceed with caution and handle people with care.
19:52"'Perfect on paper. One the love interest that might seem like a good one,
19:56but isn't THE one.'"
19:57A good story needs conflict. And when it comes to romantic stories,
20:02someone's feelings usually need to get hurt for that conflict to come to a head.
20:06"'We're now at the part where the leading lady has decided to marry the wrong guy.
20:11He's nice, but he's wrong for her. And everyone knows it.'"
20:14Some romances use the classic love triangle formula,
20:17where two near-equal romantic interests compete for the protagonist's affection,
20:21and audiences root for one character or the other based largely on taste.
20:26Other times, a protagonist faces a clear choice between a good partner
20:29and a blatantly unfit one.
20:31"'Claire, go back up on the altar."
20:33"'No.'"
20:33"'Claire! Claire, get up on that altar right now.'"
20:36"'Stop it.'"
20:37But these stories, the ones that use perfect-on-paper people,
20:40try to find a little more nuance in romantic dilemmas.
20:43They put forth these characters who seem like they should be a good match
20:47for the romantic lead, but for some reason, they're just not the one.
20:51"'Just as you think she's about to make the biggest mistake of her life.'"
20:56"'The leading man barges through the door.'"
20:58They're the characters who get dumped, sidestepped,
21:00or even left at the altar.
21:02But they don't deserve it like other characters might.
21:05They aren't secret villains, concealing their infidelity
21:08or outright cruelty beneath an intentionally deceptive facade.
21:12So what exactly makes for a perfect-on-paper love interest,
21:15and how do these qualities differ between the male and female versions
21:18of those characters?
21:20Here's our take on those perfectly nice people,
21:22and why cinema keeps using them in our on-screen love stories.
21:26"'Your mom and I were perfect on paper,
21:28and you know how that ended.'"
21:32The perfect-on-paper guy has been a staple of romance stories,
21:35especially romantic comedies, for nearly as long as they've existed.
21:38"'She always hides important things in the top drawer of her dresser.'"
21:41"'She does.'"
21:42The trope goes all the way back to the 30s and 40s,
21:45when actor Ralph Bellamy repeatedly played men who lost out in romantic rivalries
21:49against the impossibly handsome and charming Cary Grant.
21:52So what are the telltale signs of a perfect-on-paper guy?
21:56Part of his appeal is that he seems like a stable, dependable provider,
21:59so you can usually tell a rom-com's protagonist is with a perfect-on-paper guy
22:04if he has a steady job.
22:05Michael, Ben Stiller's character in Reality Bites,
22:08works as an executive at an MTV-like cable channel,
22:11which could help Lelaina in her filmmaking career,
22:13even though he doesn't have her passion or artistic vision.
22:16"'Do you have a lawyer or something?'
22:17"'No, I don't have a lawyer. I don't have a dentist.
22:20I'm, you know, I make $400 a week.'"
22:23And Julian, the doctor played by Keanu Reeves in Something's Gotta Give,
22:26offers some stability to Erica's chaotic life as a playwright.
22:30"'You're Erica Berry?''
22:31"'Yes?'
22:32"'The playwright?'
22:33"'Yes?'
22:34"'What a pleasure. I'm a huge fan.'"
22:37These men are secure enough in their careers and their finances
22:40to give women space for their own pursuits.
22:42Relatedly, the perfect-on-paper guy is supportive of his girlfriend,
22:45and his support is always genuine,
22:47although it can sometimes come off as condescending or detached.
22:50"'You are a lone...
22:54Reed. Standing tall, waving boldly."
23:00This type of guy is devoted to the woman in his life,
23:02but he's also independent,
23:04and not necessarily consumed with intense need for her.
23:07Because he trusts and supports her,
23:09and because he has a job and a life that occupies him,
23:11the perfect-on-paper guy doesn't feel as entwined with his partner
23:14as her true romantic interest in the story.
23:17"'I meant what I said when I gave you that ring."
23:19"'I did, too. I did, too.
23:22It's just that when I'm with Noah, I feel like one person,
23:26and when I'm with you, I feel like someone totally different."
23:28And, of course, the final tried-and-true trait of
23:31the perfect-on-paper guy is that he's just so nice.
23:35Bill Pullman's character in Sleepless in Seattle, for example,
23:38never gets mad at Meg Ryan for following the story
23:40of the lonely widower she hears on the radio.
23:42Even when the perfect-on-paper guy is being broken up with,
23:45he rarely exhibits any hostility towards the protagonist.
23:49"'Walter, I don't deserve you.'
23:52"'Nah, I wouldn't put it that way.
23:56But, okay.'"
24:00He's also rarely an entitled creep,
24:02like some other versions of the nice-guy trope,
24:04and remains truly kind-hearted even when the person he loves leaves him.
24:08"'It's normal not to forget your first love.
24:11I love you, Allie.'"
24:12Much like Ralph Bellamy, some actors seem to always be playing perfect-on-paper guys.
24:17Bill Pullman, Greg Kinnear, James Marsden.
24:20In fact, Bill Pullman was dumped onscreen by Meg Ryan,
24:23Jodie Foster, and Nicole Kidman all in the same year back in 1993.
24:27"'You tell me who you are, I'm gonna burn this place down.'"
24:30"'I'm a man she wanted.'"
24:32Actors like Tom Hanks or Ryan Gosling never seem to be cast as the other guy,
24:36perhaps because they're larger-than-life stars.
24:39Whereas guys like Bill Pullman are cast to represent reality,
24:42whether that's a good thing or something that his love interest needs to escape.
24:45"'I was never envious of anything that you had.
24:54Until now.'"
24:58Perfect-on-paper women aren't always as steadfast as their male counterparts.
25:02Even if they're not being portrayed as villains,
25:04"'Boys and their bachelor parties, it's gross.
25:07Not to mention it's pathetic.
25:09Those places are filthy.'"
25:10They often have secret villain undertones,
25:13implying that there's some lack of empathy that affects their compatibility
25:16with the leading man.
25:17While perfect-on-paper guys are so nice and supportive
25:20it almost makes them too easy and boring,
25:22perfect-on-paper gals don't seem like as good of a fit for the romantic hero.
25:26They can be controlling, and it often seems that a change
25:30in the leading man's life is necessary for him to fit with her.
25:33"'I can't stand the way he chews on pen caps,
25:36or the songs that he sings in the shower.
25:39It drives me nuts the way that he hikes up his left pant leg after he's eaten too much.'"
25:44Much like the perfect-on-paper guys,
25:46the perfect-on-paper woman often has a successful, steady career.
25:49But she tends to be much less laid back and less satisfied with her position.
25:53She has a motivated, goal-oriented personality.
25:56"'Can I get back to work now?'
25:58"'Wow. Never pegged you for a quitter."
26:02"'I am not a quitter. I will do this all day.'"
26:04And that's painted as a bad thing.
26:06Instead of being a source of stability,
26:08her career is typically a symbol of disharmony.
26:11Sometimes her goals are more about the relationship and less about a career.
26:15For example, she's dedicated to planning the perfect wedding.
26:18But that's portrayed as frivolous,
26:19or a distraction from the real task of building a real,
26:22romantic partnership with the protagonist.
26:25"'As previously discussed in detail, you won't be singing at the wedding.'"
26:28Because of this, the perfect-on-paper woman can often seem less
26:32interested in our leading man.
26:33She usually doesn't pay him or his interests enough attention,
26:37and tends to treat him more like an accessory than a life partner.
26:40"'Tell me something, really. How do you sleep at night?'
26:43"'I use a wonderful, over-the-counter drug. Ultra Dorm.'"
26:47Sometimes it even goes one step further.
26:49She's not just disinterested, she's actively hiding something.
26:53Both perfect-on-paper guys and perfect-on-paper girls
26:55usually have pretty easy separations,
26:58but it's more common for the perfect-on-paper girl
27:00to be harboring a secret dissatisfaction with the relationship
27:03that she has been too scared to speak on.
27:05"'No. I don't want to get married.'"
27:10These doubts are often narratively convenient for the leading man,
27:14as they mitigate the potential cruelty of leaving a perfectly nice,
27:17perfect-on-paper woman.
27:18"'Are you kidding me? You're trying to dump me on the day of my wedding.'"
27:24Just look at how conveniently Idina Menzel's and James Marsden's characters
27:28fall in love with each other at the end of Enchanted,
27:30two perfect-on-paper rejects who end up together.
27:33Unfortunately for the perfect-on-paper woman,
27:35she's often portrayed as a bit of a vapid nag.
27:38Compare Greg Kinnear's kind and supportive character in
27:41You've Got Mail to Parker Posey's.
27:43"'If I ever get out of here, I'm having my eyes lasered.'"
27:45"'Well, if I ever get out of here.'"
27:47"'Where are my Tic Tacs? Huh? What?'
27:51Other times, like Anna Kendrick's character in Drinking Buddies,
27:54there's nothing inherently wrong with her.
27:56She's just not quite as unpredictable and exciting
27:59as the love interest character played by Olivia Wilde.
28:01"'I have an idea. Let's go swimming. Why not?'
28:07It's worth noting that there are a lot more rom-coms about a woman
28:11choosing between two different men than there are rom-coms about a man
28:14choosing between two different women.
28:16In male-driven romances, it's more common for the main character
28:18to have to choose between a love interest and some other kind of life entirely,
28:22like a career move or perpetual bachelorhood that offers plenty of fun,
28:26but no emotional connection.
28:28"'He's getting married. What?'
28:34"'What an idiot.'"
28:36When a rom-com is built around a woman,
28:38it's already assumed that she's looking for a partner.
28:40She's not asking whether to get married, but who to get married to.
28:44Rom-coms are all about choices.
28:46Movies like Sliding Doors and Look Both Ways explicitly explore
28:49how characters' decisions inform the overall path of their lives,
28:52romantic and otherwise.
28:54But perfect-on-paper characters are also a way of exploring choice.
28:57They're a symbol for one kind of life that the protagonist could live.
29:00A safe, predictable, unexciting life.
29:02The protagonists of these movies often choose the movie-like rush
29:05of a true love connection over that stable, committed, realistic relationship.
29:09"'It's not going to be easy. It's going to be really hard.
29:13And we're going to have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you.
29:16I want all of you forever."
29:18And while that might make for an exciting love story, it's questionable messaging.
29:23Yes, romantic relationships are hard work with anyone, but constantly rejecting perfect-on-paper
29:28partners for hot, unpredictable alternatives implies that long-term compatibility is tied to
29:33superficial similarities like similar attractiveness levels.
29:37Plus, this overly simplistic choice between two symbolic options pits people against each other
29:42in competitions that may not be so clearly and neatly resolved in real life.
29:46And yet, this trope, like many others, reveals something truthful.
29:50It's scary to form a long-term romantic partnership.
29:52And the perfect-on-paper character represents our anxiety that those partnerships won't
29:56automatically flourish or be successful, even if they do seem to check all the boxes.
30:00"'We fight. You tell me when I'm being an arrogant son of a bitch,
30:04and I tell you when you're being a pain in the ass, which you are 99% of the time."
30:09We have gut instincts that go beyond someone's paper qualities,
30:13and those feelings should give us the courage to not just do what's expected by others,
30:17but what feels right to us.
30:19If it just feels like it's going to happen, we're never going to actually do it.
30:24Um, look at that. That's it. That's everything. That's the whole convo."
30:29That's also part of the fantasy of the perfect-on-paper character.
30:32It's reassuring to see two people who realize they're not quite right for each other
30:36before they get married or have kids or build a life together.
30:39These perfect-on-paper characters might get dumped at the end of the movie,
30:43but at least it happened in time to spare them some long-term heartbreak.
30:47And maybe that's part of the happy ending.
30:49We all want to find a partner we can feel certain is good, not just in general, but for us.
30:55Some of the best love stories of all time are tales of star-crossed lovers,
30:59We can't be together while they're brawling all around us because of us.
31:04The term itself comes from one of the most famous examples of the trope,
31:07Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.
31:09A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life.
31:12It's a template for a story that we keep returning to and reinterpreting,
31:16always with a few common traits.
31:18A star-crossed lover's passion is intense.
31:21Because they know the odds are stacked against them,
31:23they seize upon the brief moments that they do get to spend together.
31:27You gave me forever within the numbered days,
31:30and for that I am eternally grateful.
31:32The star-crossed lovers are opposites.
31:34They come from different worlds or are on different paths,
31:38and if it weren't for their love story,
31:39these characters wouldn't have ordinarily met.
31:42And they're each other's saviors.
31:43In the star-crossed lover's trope,
31:45there's often a sense that these characters are looking for something to complete them.
31:49They are usually on a path that they don't want to be on,
31:52and their love helps guide them forward toward the person they truly want to be,
31:56or feel they are deep down.
31:58They've got you trapped, Rose.
32:00And you're gonna die if you don't break free.
32:02We love these love stories and often want the star-crossed lovers to be together,
32:06but perhaps part of the reason we are so drawn to these stories
32:09is because there is something cathartic about seeing when things don't work out.
32:14There are still valuable lessons for us to learn in love stories that last only briefly.
32:18In fact, sometimes these relationships are more intense and impactful because of their brevity.
32:23I love you so much.
32:26But this is where I am now.
32:28Here's our take on what makes star-crossed lovers so enduring,
32:32and what we can learn from these tragic stories.
32:38The archetypical star-crossed lovers, like Romeo and Juliet,
32:41are kept apart for societal reasons, totally beyond their control.
32:44What strikes them, and us, as so unfair is that in an ideal world,
32:48there really shouldn't be anything stopping them from being together.
32:51The main obstacle they need to overcome is the prejudices of others.
32:59In Romeo and Juliet, the tragedy of their death hammers home just how
33:03futile and toxic the war between the Montagues and the Capulets is.
33:06In modern tellings, these stories of star-crossed lovers help highlight senseless societal divisions.
33:12In West Side Story, Maria and Tony cannot be together because they belong to different
33:16ethnic groups who are entrenched in a bitter gang war.
33:19They try to overcome the racism that keeps them apart,
33:22but their love isn't enough to soften others' hatred.
33:25And when Tony dies in Maria's arms, she loses her faith in society.
33:29I can kill them because I hate them.
33:32In Hancock, we learn that Hancock and Mary were subject to a racially motivated attack,
33:37leading Hancock to wake up with amnesia and the couple to separate.
33:41They continue to be drawn together, but society always keeps them apart.
33:44Are you saying that you two are fated to be together?
33:46And in Titanic, Rose isn't allowed to spend time
33:49with Jack because of their different socio-economic classes.
33:52What to him?
33:54You're a whore to a gutter rat!
33:55In queer stories of star-crossed lovers, society often refuses to even acknowledge
34:00the couples legitimately.
34:01They must hide away from society if they want their love to survive.
34:05In Brokeback Mountain, Ennis fears that he can only safely be with Jack on Brokeback Mountain,
34:10away from the eyes of society.
34:12When this thing grabs hold of us again, in the wrong place, in the wrong time, we're dead.
34:18And in Portrait of a Lady on Fire, Marianne and Heloise's affair is consigned to the house
34:23in Brittany during the weeks that they spent together preparing the portrait for her upcoming
34:27marriage.
34:28In both films, the couples share a romance that is intense and highly charged, but they know from
34:33the outset that this relationship is risky and probably without a future.
34:37The titular painting in Portrait of a Lady on Fire captures this tension perfectly.
34:42The fire represents the passion and energy of their relationship, but also the danger
34:46of it and the fact that it can't last forever.
34:52And in both stories, the lovers' fears prove well-founded as they are forced apart by society.
34:58Jack is tragically killed, it's implied due to homophobia, and Marianne and Heloise never meet
35:03again after Marianne finishes the portrait and Heloise marries a nobleman.
35:06But both couples leave something behind, a talisman that allows them to carry their
35:10love story forward.
35:11The heartbreaking final image of Brokeback Mountain is Ennis tending to Jack's shirt,
35:16and Portrait of a Lady on Fire ends with Marianne noticing that in a new portrait of
35:20Heloise and her daughter, Heloise is holding the book Marianne gave her and Brittany.
35:24These talismans act as proof that their love existed, even if everyone else denied that,
35:29and it ended too soon.
35:33Society may have succeeded in separating these couples,
35:35but it can't erase the fact that they loved each other.
35:41Some lovers are also star-crossed due to more internal obstacles.
35:46They're pulled apart not just by external factors and the expectations of others,
35:50but also by their own needs and desires, or by being on different paths in life.
35:55Rick and Ilsa in Casablanca can't help falling for each other in Paris before external reality
36:00intervenes.
36:01When did you first find out he was alive?
36:03Just before you and I were to leave Paris together.
36:05But in the end, the couple could choose their love over everything else,
36:09it's just that they realize the right thing to do is to prioritize their duties,
36:13however much it makes them suffer.
36:14That plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it.
36:17Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
36:21In Fleabag, the protagonist's relationship with the hot priest is similarly thwarted
36:25by his commitment to God.
36:27Tons of on-screen pairings are plagued by bad timing.
36:31With the whole world crumbling, we pick this time to fall in love.
36:34Which may, in the end, be overcome, but may not,
36:37especially if there's a big age difference.
36:39In Harold and Maud, while young Harold is given a new lease on life by Maud,
36:43Maud is at the end of hers.
36:44I love you.
36:46Go and love me so much.
36:49And in Friends, Monica and Richard know they don't have a future because of their age gap.
36:53Monica wants a family, but Richard's already had his.
36:57These different paths can be heightened in some stories by supernatural factors.
37:02In The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Benjamin cannot be with Daisy,
37:05because he ages backwards, and they're only the same age for a small window.
37:09It's like growing younger.
37:11In Last Christmas, Cat falls in love with the ghost of a man whose heart was transplanted
37:16into her body to save her life.
37:17Why can't I feel you?
37:23Because I'm a part of you.
37:24And in City of Angels, an angel who falls in love with a human gives up his angel
37:28form to be with her, only for her to die soon after.
37:31Far less surreal love stories are also cut short simply due to factors no one can change,
37:37like one partner's death, and there isn't anyone to blame except truly the stars.
37:42These stories reveal how difficult it can be for love to flourish if the environment is wrong.
37:47We like to believe that true love can overcome anything,
37:49but the star-crossed lovers trope recognizes that it's more complicated,
37:53and even that sometimes choosing love at all costs would mean not being true
37:58to one's deeper self, life goals, or values.
38:01I love you.
38:02It'll pass.
38:04In Brief Encounter, it feels like love at first sight for Laura and Alec.
38:08Their first interaction, Alec helping Laura remove some grit from her eye,
38:12acts as a metaphor for him pulling her out of the doldrums of her life with her husband.
38:16They come alive together, but ultimately they know that to make their relationship last,
38:20they would have to dismantle their lives.
38:23They would both have to get divorced, and Laura would have to move to South Africa,
38:26and leave behind everything to follow Alec.
38:29So they're not at a point in their lives where they can fully commit to the other,
38:32but that doesn't mean the strength of their feelings is ever in question.
38:35I know that this is the beginning of the end.
38:38Not the end of my loving you, but the end of our being together.
38:41Similarly, in The Butterfly Effect, Evan and his childhood sweetheart Kaylee have a strong connection,
38:46but after traveling through alternate timelines,
38:48he realizes that her life would be much better without him in it.
38:52So Evan chooses to sacrifice their relationship for her well-being.
38:55He cuts their love story short as an act of love.
38:58Would it make a difference if I told you that
39:02no one could possibly ever love anyone as much as I love you?
39:05In Normal People, the young central couple has to overcome a number of mostly internalized
39:11obstacles, keeping them from admitting how much they want to be together.
39:15But after they at last do that and stop getting in their own way,
39:18they become a different paths couple.
39:20Their individual journeys require them to live in different places to properly
39:24develop as young adults finding themselves, and it's unknown whether these life paths
39:29will ever come back together.
39:30Love has been an immensely crucial part of shaping who they are, but to prioritize that love at the
39:35expense of each following their individual growth wouldn't be right.
39:39You're my best friend, and I don't want to lose that for any reason.
39:43Together, these stories convey a confusing truth — that true romantic love is deeply precious,
39:48rare, and must be nurtured and protected.
39:51And yet, it's also not the only — or even always the most — important thing in life.
40:00Although star-crossed lovers rarely meet at the right time or place to end up together,
40:04they do meet at exactly the right time to get the most out of their relationship.
40:08The love they shared for the time they shared it is what's important.
40:12Elio and Oliver's summer relationship in Call Me By Your Name is brief,
40:16but instead of focusing on the tragedy of its briefness or Oliver's decision to marry a woman,
40:20the film focuses on the joy and meaning their connection brought to Elio.
40:25You're too smart not to know how rare,
40:29how special what you two had was.
40:32If at least one of the star-crossed lovers survives, they're forever impacted by the other person,
40:38so in that way, the love does live on permanently, and the condensed timelines of these relationships
40:43seems to make them more profound in their impact.
40:46Gus and Hazel's relationship in The Fault in Our Stars is really all about Hazel finding
40:50a reason to live. Before they meet, she is depressed and defeated by her illness.
40:54But Gus gives her a new outlook on life, and so while their relationship ends,
40:58she is forever changed by it.
41:00Maybe she wasn't loved widely, but she was loved deeply.
41:04And isn't that more than most of us get?
41:06And the same is true of Jack and Rose in Titanic. Before they meet,
41:09Rose is suicidal, trapped in a relationship with a man she doesn't love.
41:12But Jack sees who she truly is and draws her out.
41:16You must promise me that you'll survive, that you won't give up.
41:22She becomes braver, happier, and transforms into a whole new person.
41:26And even though Jack didn't survive, she takes his name when she gets to America,
41:30as if he lives on as a part of her.
41:32In examples from Casablanca and Harold and Maude to normal people, likewise,
41:37the story doesn't just end with sadness, but with appreciation for the couple's bond.
41:41Even in the frustrating stories about hateful society denying love,
41:46we're still left with awe for the love at the center.
41:49Society romanticizes the idea of soulmates, twin flames, or finding the one.
41:54My soul is in your hands, soulmate.
41:56But the star-crossed lovers trope reminds us that even if we do find them,
42:00that's no guarantee we get to enjoy them together.
42:03While we tend to fixate on happily ever afters,
42:05all these stories remind us that ultimately the ending isn't the most important thing.
42:10Experiencing a love as true and pure as these couples do is a gift for any amount of time,
42:15and if we should ever be so lucky, we should cherish it.
42:19That's the take. Click here to watch a video we think you'll love,
42:22or here to check out a whole playlist of awesome content.
42:25Don't forget to subscribe and turn on notifications.
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