The Truth About the Lopsided Love Trope, Explained

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00:00There's one big fear hiding at the heart of many relationships, that you love your partner more

00:06than they love you. We all want our relationships to feel equal, but so often it seems that one

00:13person ends up more dedicated to the relationship. This can happen for a number of reasons,

00:23from fear of commitment to lack of care and beyond, and lead to strife and even tragedy.

00:29Reality and love are almost contradictory for me.

00:32But there's more to lopsided love than meets the eye. So what's really behind unequal love

00:37matches, and is there any hope for a happy outcome? Let's take a closer look.

00:43Many of the problems in this area of relationships stem from the fact that for so long, each person

00:48was expected to fit into a certain role within a relationship. There were very strict ideas

00:53about the purpose of relationships and how one should behave in them. They weren't meant

00:58to be love matches, but instead financial and sometimes political unions. The power

01:03was set in the hands of the men in these relationships, where they were expected to fund the household,

01:09but also control it, while the wife was meant to care for the home and her husband.

01:14While men might need a woman to produce their heirs, it was believed that women needed a man

01:20to run their lives because they couldn't do it on their own. On Mad Men, we can see this

01:25play out with Don and Betty. She, at least initially, fit perfectly into the role of

01:29the innocent, subservient, beautiful wife, staying home to take care of the kids and make

01:34sure dinner was ready when Don got home from work. But even though she technically had everything

01:40she was supposed to want or need, Betty was not happy.

01:44What's wrong? What's wrong? I hate this place. I hate our friends. I hate this town.

01:51This relationship setup was heavily skewed in the men's favor, to the point that it was

01:56essentially assumed that the woman would erode her entire sense of self to make it work.

02:00Though it's not surprising that it also led to a lot of unhappiness. But because these kinds

02:06of relationships with such unequal power dynamics are so useful for the person with the power,

02:12they continue to seek them out, as we see in Don's other relationships. Take his choice,

02:18for example, between Dr. Faye and Megan. Don could have chosen to stay with Dr. Faye,

02:24an adult who challenged him and helped him grow. But instead, he decided to go with the younger,

02:29more inexperienced woman because he knew he'd have more power in that relationship.

02:35Even as the idea of relationships being about a genuine desire to be together over concerns about

02:40finances or convenience became more normalized, relationships and the ideas around them

02:46remained lopsided in many ways. For example, the idea that the man should always do the chasing,

02:52and that his choosing her could save her.

02:55You could be so much more.

02:57Of course, for as long as there have been expectations around relationships,

03:01there have been exceptions. But in those exceptions and the reactions to them,

03:06we can begin to see why it's so difficult to break free from these patterns of thinking.

03:11Men who genuinely are interested in their relationships are often put down or mocked

03:15for being too emotional. Women who go after the relationships they want instead of waiting for

03:20one to come to them are often branded as crazy. And women who eschew them all together are seen as

03:25breaking some immutable law. These trends have all set the stage for our modern problems with

03:31lopsided love stories. Communication is the most important part of a healthy relationship,

03:44but it's something that can sometimes get lost. Thankfully, this video's sponsor,

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04:05opening the door for whole new conversations. It's a great way for new couples to get to know

04:10each other on a deeper level, but it's also an awesome tool for couples who have been in a

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04:21like you already know all there is to know about your partner. But as you answer questions and

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04:42communication with your partner. The app's guided relationship journeys help you reach your

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05:13communication flowing. Of course, it's certainly still true that not all relationships are formed

05:19on the basis of love or desire, and these kinds of relationships often remain the most unbalanced.

05:25Tyler, you need to apologize to me right now, you cannot speak to me that way.

05:29Actually, I can, because ding dong, I'm the one who's paying, so maybe shut up and eat.

05:32But even in relationships that were born out of an active desire to be together,

05:37things can still end up very uneven. There's been a refrain passed down through generations,

05:43make sure they love you more than you love them. The idea being that being the one who cares less

05:49gives you the power in the relationship. This certainly holds true in other kinds of relationships

05:54as well. For example, children desperately seeking love and approval from distant parents.

05:59But we most often see it play out on screen in romantic relationships.

06:03Let's unpack the most common types. Loss of identity. These are relationships where one

06:10partner feels that they've lost the ability to focus on themselves as an individual to any degree,

06:15instead always either having to focus on the couple or upholding their spouse.

06:20It carries the thread from those traditional imbalances, and in heterosexual relationships,

06:25it often continues to be the woman who feels that she's essentially being asked to give up

06:29her own life and individuality to help further her male partner's dreams.

06:34This became a major point of contention for Lily and Marshall on How I Met Your Mother.

06:38After being together since college, Lily had begun to feel like she had left all of her hopes and dreams

06:44behind in service of helping Marshall on his way to becoming a lawyer. Eventually,

06:49she reached a breaking point and decided that she needed to go out and find herself,

06:54to really try going after her art dreams to find out who she is as an individual adult.

07:00Marshall, I'm sorry. I just need to go to San Francisco and do this art program and figure out

07:06who I am outside of us. Greater outside focus. Sometimes problems arise when one party is more

07:13preoccupied with something outside of the relationship, to the point that they're willing to essentially let

07:19the relationship fall by the wayside. It could be choosing familial obligations and indebtedness

07:25over the relationship, as Vanya does in Honora, or being totally focused on work and achieving

07:30financial success. Or it can be something deeper. On the third season of The White Lotus,

07:36Rick and Chelsea seem to make a bit of an odd pair. Beyond the age gap, she's clearly a free spirit,

07:43while he's fighting a lot of demons. While she's all in on the relationship and wants to be there

07:49for him in any way she can, he's trapped in his grief and anger over his father's murder and his

07:55own choices, and so pushes her away. Because he doesn't really want to let anyone behind those walls

08:02he's put up. Chelsea tries to pull his focus away from his past and that pain, but he can't stop himself

08:08from putting it above everything else in his life, even her. In the end, this leads to not only his

08:15demise, but hers as well. Fear of Commitment

08:20One person harboring a fear of going all-in on a relationship can cause a very unsteady situation

08:26for both of them. While they might enjoy the idea of love, when they're actually confronted with the

08:42real thing, these people feel compelled to run away, sometimes literally. This can also play out

08:48in one person essentially becoming a pit stop on their partner's growth journey. Where that person

08:54was afraid to commit to them, but then is able to use the personal growth they achieved during the

08:59relationship to make their next one work. Men go out with me, we break up, and then they get married,

09:05and later they call me to thank me for teaching them what love is. We've got a whole video on the

09:10running from love trope that you can watch next to learn more. A related problem comes when both

09:15people are happy to be in the relationship, but one feels the need to hide it or push down how much they

09:21really do care. Friends Chandler Bing was a pretty big commitment-phobe, but he also spent a lot of

09:27time causing problems in his relationship with Janice solely because he didn't want to admit how

09:32much he really liked her because she was annoying. New Year's, who invited who? Valentine's, who asked

09:39who into whose bed? I did, but... You seek me out! Call me! In How Stella Got Her Groove Back,

09:47Stella's younger boyfriend Winston comes to feel that she's ashamed to be with him. And to a degree,

09:54his immature nature does make her question the relationship.

09:57Oh, please.

09:58Commit it.

09:59From the same guy who made a midnight run to the video store and came back with Booty Call and Lion King.

10:04He's also aware of how age gap relationships, particularly where the woman is the older party,

10:10are seen by society in general, and so is reluctant to really commit to theirs long term.

10:17Separated by circumstances. Sometimes it's not necessarily the choices being made by either party,

10:24but instead they're circumstances that create the imbalance in the relationship.

10:28This can come as a result of differences in incomes, personal goals, or personal freedoms,

10:33or lack thereof. This is often a point of conflict within queer romances where one partner is out,

10:39but the other isn't. And they must both work together to reach a place where they feel like

10:44they're both on equal footing and able to live freely. One of Hollywood's favorite variations of

10:49this is the superstar falling in love with a regular person. As these two totally different

10:55worlds collide, both have to really make an active choice about if they really want to make this work,

11:01and if they do, how they're going to be able to meet in the middle.

11:06The fame thing isn't really real, you know. I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy,

11:15asking him to love her.

11:17Only one person wants to be there. The subtype that's often the most dramatic,

11:22and thus the most prevalent on screen, is the one in which only one person really wants to be in

11:29the relationship. This often leads to one person attempting to push the relationship even harder

11:34to make it work, which just leads to the other person trying to get out of it faster.

11:39We often see this play out with nice guy characters, who wear down a woman they're

11:43interested in into trying out a relationship with them, only to then try to speedrun everything

11:49well beyond what she's comfortable with or even agreed to.

11:52This is going to happen. She can't say it's not meant to be. It is meant to be. And you know why?

11:57Because I mean it to be.

11:59Or, in the other direction, is often showcased in relationships where one person has already

12:04totally checked out, but is just waiting for their next relationship to come by

12:08before they leave. On Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw ended up on both sides of this equation.

12:15In her relationship with Big, she was the one pushing for more,

12:19ignoring that he clearly didn't have any interest in being tied down at the moment

12:22and wasn't ready to openly commit to her. But then, with Aiden, she was the one constantly

12:28pushing Aiden away. The more dedicated to the relationship he was, the more she felt the need to bolt.

12:35The irony is Aiden's acting exactly the way I wish Big would've behaved, and I'm behaving just like Big.

12:41The timing never seemed to line up where the guy she was actually with was giving her the relationship

12:46she was looking for. And so, she kept cycling through problems hoping to find some kind of equilibrium.

12:54You can totally overcome issues with lopsided love if you're both willing to open up communication and

13:00work on your issues, and always have a court of care for one another at the heart of your relationship.

13:06While it took some time to mend their relationship after she left, Lily and Marshall did manage to do it.

13:12They put in the time and effort to understand each other and decide on what kind of life they wanted to

13:18build together. You can also, of course, work on these issues from the beginning of the relationship

13:23so that they never reach a breaking point. And it's okay to decide you just don't want to be in a

13:28relationship and instead go after other things. In Sex Education, while Maeve and Otis did deeply

13:34care for each other, and she decided to put her own future first and ended their on-again-off-again

13:40relationship to pursue her dreams of writing. Relationships ebb and flow, and over time,

13:46your feelings about each other will shift and change. You'll probably never feel exactly the

13:51same about each other at the same time. At the end of the day, it's not about finding the perfect

13:57always 100% equilibrium, but instead focusing on creating a relationship in which you're equal

14:03in the ways that matter, and where both partners are willing to put in the committed effort to make

14:09things work. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life

14:14with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. That's the take! Click

14:19here to watch the video we think you'll love, or here to check out a whole playlist of awesome content.

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