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Tv, Yes Minister - S03E08 — Party games
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00:00:00I'll see you next time
00:00:30I'll see you then
00:01:00I'll see you then
00:01:29I'll see you then
00:02:00He's the one who forced through the plan to standardise the Euro sausage
00:02:03Euro?
00:02:05By the end of next year we shall be waving goodbye to the good old British sausage
00:02:09and we'll be forced to accept some foreign muck like salami or bratwurst or something in its place
00:02:14but they can't stop us eating the British sausage can they?
00:02:17They can stop us calling it the sausage though
00:02:18apparently it's going to be called the emulsified high fat offal tube
00:02:22and you swallowed it?
00:02:26It's my job to implement EEC regulations
00:02:30I couldn't finish my career
00:02:32But what have they got against our sausage?
00:02:34Oh dear
00:02:35Don't you ever read the papers you give me?
00:02:38Well yes I glanced at it Minister but it rather put me off
00:02:40Apparently there's not enough meat in it
00:02:43The average British sausage consists of 32.5% fat, 6.5% rind, 20% water, 10% rusk, 5% seasoning, preservative and colouring
00:02:54and only 26% meat
00:02:56which is mostly gristle, head meat, other off cuts
00:03:01and mechanically recovered meat
00:03:04steamed off the carcass
00:03:06I don't feel particular
00:03:09I had one
00:03:10I had one for breakfast
00:03:12Perhaps the EEC Commissioner is right
00:03:16He may be right but it would be extremely unpopular with the voters
00:03:19Oh well we shall just have to grit our teeth and bite on the bullet
00:03:24You can't bite a bullet if you're gritting your teeth Minister
00:03:26You see if you do that you can't get a bullet
00:03:28Sorry
00:03:30By the way Bernard
00:03:31You were going to advise me what presents it would be suitable to give to the private office
00:03:36Well of course that's entirely up to you Minister
00:03:38Bottles of sherry for the Assistant Secretaries
00:03:40Large boxes of House of Commons mints for the Diary Secretary and the Correspondent Secretary
00:03:44and small boxes of House of Commons mints for the rest
00:03:47What about my personal private secretary?
00:03:49Oh that's me
00:03:50Ah yes of course
00:03:52What should I give you?
00:03:55Well you don't have to give me anything
00:03:57I know that Bernard but I'd like to
00:03:59Oh Minister
00:04:00Well anything really
00:04:02Such that?
00:04:04Well really I would like a surprise
00:04:06What sort of surprise should I give you?
00:04:12A bottle of champagne is the customary surprise
00:04:14What time is my meeting with Humphrey?
00:04:18Oh that's been cancelled Minister
00:04:19Sir Humphrey had to rush away to an urgent meeting with the cabinet secretary
00:04:23The cabinet secretary
00:04:25Which makes me feel rather nervous
00:04:27You know in some ways Sir Arnold is the most powerful chap in the country
00:04:32Permanent access to the PM
00:04:34Controls cabinet agenda
00:04:36Controls access to everything
00:04:38I wonder what it is up to
00:04:40By the way Humphrey
00:04:45Yes?
00:04:46I've decided to retire early
00:04:49Oh
00:04:50Have you Arnold?
00:04:52In the new year
00:04:54Ah
00:04:56My successor has to be someone who can be firm with our political masters
00:05:04Oh absolutely no nonsense with that lot
00:05:07But tactful
00:05:08Very exactly
00:05:10Suave
00:05:11Charming
00:05:12Emollient
00:05:13And above all
00:05:14Sound
00:05:14Sound
00:05:15Oh yes
00:05:16Sound
00:05:17So my heavy duty is to convey a recommendation to the Prime Minister
00:05:21As to which of the present permanent secretaries
00:05:24Best meets these stringent criteria
00:05:27And uh
00:05:31Have you um
00:05:35Is there
00:05:36Does anyone
00:05:38You see in this job the problem isn't really finding the answers
00:05:42It's finding the questions
00:05:44We need the man who can find the key question
00:05:48By the way Arnold to change the subject completely
00:05:58What will you be doing when you retire?
00:06:02Ah
00:06:02Very good question
00:06:04Very good question
00:06:06It's just that there might be jobs you could pick up
00:06:09Ways you could serve the country
00:06:10Which your successor
00:06:11Whoever he might be
00:06:13You could put your way
00:06:15Er
00:06:15Persuade you to undertake
00:06:17Well I have been giving it some thought
00:06:20As you know I shall be chairman of the Banque Occidentale
00:06:23And there'll be directorships of IBM and BP and that sort of thing
00:06:26Mm-hmm
00:06:27But I was thinking
00:06:28Yes
00:06:29Well the chairmanship of the Opera House Trust will be coming up next year
00:06:33Chairman of Carbond Garden
00:06:35And the chancellorship of Oxford
00:06:37Mm-hmm
00:06:38And then the deputy chairmanship of the Bank of England would be a
00:06:42A challenge
00:06:44A challenge
00:06:46A challenge exactly
00:06:46Yeah
00:06:46And head of the Security Commission
00:06:49And the presidency of the Anglo-Caribbean Association would give one
00:06:54A chance to be of service
00:06:58Precisely
00:06:59Especially during the winter months
00:07:02Well I'm sure that any successor worth his salt would be able to arrange these Arnold
00:07:08You think so?
00:07:09That's very reassuring
00:07:11Very reassuring
00:07:12Good
00:07:12But there is another thing
00:07:14Certain advice one may have given the Prime Minister could if it emerged be misinterpreted
00:07:21What sort of advice?
00:07:24Well all sensible and reasonable obviously but advice about using troops during strikes
00:07:28A very sensible precaution that they should be armed but taken out of context
00:07:34Machine guns
00:07:36Oh I'm sure that need never come out
00:07:39And I did suggest negotiations with South Africa about reactivating the Simonstown naval base
00:07:45Absolutely sensible strategically of course
00:07:48And a great help with the Falklands
00:07:50But if one were in line for the Secretary-Generalship of the Commonwealth
00:07:55Embarrassing
00:07:56And of course you would be in line to be Secretary-General of the Commonwealth
00:08:00Would I?
00:08:01How gratifying
00:08:02And I'm sure that the right successor would see no problem in keeping those files under wraps
00:08:10Good
00:08:11Anyway to get back to our original point
00:08:14I think my colleagues and I can now see our way forward to placing your name at the head of the list
00:08:20I see
00:08:22May I ask how many other names will be on the list?
00:08:28Oh I don't think there's anyone else quite honestly who's quite up to scratch
00:08:32Have another drink
00:08:33By the way you should know I've accepted the presidency of the Campaign for Freedom of Information
00:08:41Well it's very popular with the opposition
00:08:48And today's opposition is tomorrow's government
00:08:51And it will mean one can ensure that the freedom is not abused
00:08:55So here's to the continuity of sound government
00:09:01And freedom of information
00:09:04Whenever it's in the national interest
00:09:07Minister I have some very grave news
00:09:23Yes
00:09:24The relationship which I might tentatively venture to aver
00:09:27Has been not without some degree of reciprocal utility
00:09:30And perhaps even occasional gratification
00:09:32Is approaching a point of irreversible bifurcation
00:09:35And to be brief
00:09:37Is in the propinquity of its ultimate regrettable termination
00:09:41I see
00:09:48I'm on my way out
00:09:53There comes a time when one has to accept what fate has in store
00:09:58When one passes on
00:10:00Passes on?
00:10:01To pastures new perhaps greener
00:10:03And places oneself finally in the service of one who is greater than any of us
00:10:10Humphrey
00:10:11I'm so sorry
00:10:12Thank you minister
00:10:13Has Lady Apple been there?
00:10:16Well she suspected it for some time apparently
00:10:17When did they tell you?
00:10:19This afternoon
00:10:20How long do they give you?
00:10:22Oh
00:10:22Just a few weeks
00:10:24A few weeks?
00:10:26Well
00:10:26It'll give me enough time to sort everything out
00:10:29Oh
00:10:29You're so terribly brave
00:10:32Well one is a little anxious
00:10:33Of course
00:10:33One is always rather wary of the unknown
00:10:35But
00:10:36I have faith
00:10:36Somehow I'll muddle through
00:10:38Goodness there
00:10:44What's the matter?
00:10:46Sorry
00:10:46I have faith
00:10:47Just well
00:10:49We've
00:10:49Had our ups and downs
00:10:52But
00:10:52Oh minister
00:10:54Don't take on so
00:10:55We'll still be seeing one another regularly
00:10:59Yes
00:11:04Once a week at least
00:11:05What?
00:11:06I haven't told you where I'm going yet
00:11:08Eh?
00:11:09I have been appointed
00:11:11Secretary
00:11:12To the cabinet
00:11:14Secretary
00:11:16To the cabinet
00:11:17Yes
00:11:17Why what do you think I meant?
00:11:19I thought
00:11:20I thought
00:11:20I'm sorry
00:11:24I'm quite myself today
00:11:26I'm a little tired
00:11:26Overwrought
00:11:28You know
00:11:28Things have been
00:11:29You know
00:11:30Oh I am so sorry
00:11:32Perhaps as cabinet secretary designated
00:11:34I should suggest to the prime minister
00:11:36Some lightning of the load
00:11:37No no no no don't misunderstand me
00:11:39No I'm fine
00:11:40So
00:11:41You're going to be cabinet secretary
00:11:44Yes
00:11:44Cabinet secretary
00:11:46Secretary to the cabinet
00:11:49Nice
00:11:50Well well that's a great honor
00:11:52Congratulations Humphrey
00:11:53Well thank you minister
00:11:53Well of course that means that
00:11:55You and I
00:11:56Oh alas yes
00:11:57How shall I manage?
00:11:59Well you'll probably manage even better without me
00:12:01Yes I probably
00:12:01No
00:12:02Certainly not
00:12:04No
00:12:04Well Humphrey
00:12:06So you're going to do for the prime minister
00:12:08What you've always done to me
00:12:09For me
00:12:10PMs
00:12:13Right hand men
00:12:14Advising on
00:12:16Issues
00:12:17Beto
00:12:18And er
00:12:20And people
00:12:21No doubt
00:12:23Minister
00:12:24Humphrey
00:12:26Yes minister
00:12:27I want you to know
00:12:29I think you've been absolutely wonderful
00:12:32Highest admiration for all you've done
00:12:36Wonderful work
00:12:37Wonderful work
00:12:38Finest tradition of the service
00:12:40Oh minister you're too kind
00:12:42I just hope you feel that
00:12:43That I
00:12:44In my
00:12:46When things are
00:12:48Well
00:12:49If it should come up
00:12:51I think we've made a jolly good team here together
00:12:55You and I don't you Humphrey
00:12:56I couldn't have wished for a better minister minister
00:12:59Oh Humphrey you're too kind
00:13:00Well when are you going to break the news of your departure to the staff
00:13:04Well on Friday evening I thought just before it's promulgated
00:13:07I will bid them farewell at the Christmas drinks party
00:13:10That'll make us certainly make it a happy occasion
00:13:13And sad
00:13:15Sad yes
00:13:16Sad
00:13:17Terribly sad
00:13:19Enjoying yourself
00:13:22Yes
00:13:22Yes thank you minister
00:13:23Enjoying yourself
00:13:24Lovely party
00:13:27Yes minister it's frightfully good fun
00:13:29Always good to let your hair down isn't it
00:13:32Right
00:13:34Now I think it's er
00:13:37It's time I said a few words
00:13:39This is a very very special occasion for us all
00:13:44Peace on earth
00:13:46Goodwill to all men
00:13:47Sorry purse
00:13:48Persons
00:13:49It's always good to have this little get together amongst the people who serve me
00:13:54Er
00:13:55Work with me
00:13:56For me
00:13:57No with me
00:13:58Here at the
00:13:59Department of Administ...
00:14:01The Ministry of Administ...
00:14:04At the DAA
00:14:07We're a team
00:14:09You know I have the cabinet
00:14:11Except we're all on the same side
00:14:13Not that the cabinet
00:14:15No well I meant
00:14:16Really the shadow cabinet
00:14:18No let's keep politics out of this
00:14:21Season of goodwill
00:14:22That's why parliament doesn't sit over Christmas eh
00:14:26Ah season of goodwill
00:14:32Even to one's officials
00:14:34Well what can I say
00:14:38Humpy
00:14:40Sir Humphrey Appleby
00:14:41Sir Humphrey Appleby
00:14:43Thank you very much
00:14:44I would er I would just like to thank you all for all the hard work you've done all these years
00:14:49Erm
00:14:50Occasion like this engenders a certain emotional ambiguity and personal ambivalence
00:14:56This isn't ambiguous about it
00:14:57While one is one should say
00:14:58Erm
00:15:00Honoured by the cause of one's departure one is saddened by the fact of it in particular
00:15:04Saddened by having to leave the service of a minister without parallel in one's experience
00:15:10That's jolly decent
00:15:12And break a unique partnership
00:15:13Absolutely unique
00:15:14So I should end I think by wishing a happy Christmas to you all but in particular to a minister
00:15:21Whom in the brief time that we've had him with us we've watched grow in standing in stature and in sureness of touch
00:15:28So season of felicitations to you all but please please do remember the Home Secretary's campaign for the holidays
00:15:36Don't drink and drive this Christmas
00:15:39I'll drink to that
00:15:40Oh sorry
00:15:41I do wish you'd let me drive Jim
00:15:48I'm driving perfectly stately
00:15:50We do have to get home before dawn
00:15:53I'm going to turn
00:16:23Good evening, Kinstable.
00:16:28This is your licence, sir.
00:16:30Yes, certainly.
00:16:31Aren't you Mr. Jim Hacker?
00:16:33Yes, that's right.
00:16:35I'll see you through the trouble.
00:16:36Any reason you were driving so slowly?
00:16:40Well, I didn't want the curb to hit.
00:16:43I didn't want to hit the curb.
00:16:46Look, I've got a silver badge somewhere.
00:16:49I see.
00:16:50Perhaps you'd like Constable Evans to drive you the rest of the way.
00:16:52Oh, no, it's all right, officer. I'll drive.
00:16:55All right, Mrs. Hacker.
00:16:56If you're in a proper state to drive.
00:16:58Oh, I don't drink, officer.
00:17:00Well, not when my husband's driving.
00:17:03Oh, nor do I.
00:17:05Hardly.
00:17:10Well, there we are.
00:17:12Nice little place you have here, Humphrey.
00:17:14Thank you, Minister.
00:17:15Well, I thought you handled your first Cabinet meeting very well.
00:17:18What was it like sitting next to the PM?
00:17:21Yes, do sit down, Minister.
00:17:23I've asked you to drop in for coffee
00:17:25because I've been made aware by the Home Office
00:17:27of a report on a traffic incident.
00:17:31Yes, I see.
00:17:32Now, of course, it's entirely your own affair.
00:17:34Precisely.
00:17:34But I'm told that the Prime Minister takes a very grave view.
00:17:36He feels that ministers should set an example.
00:17:39Humphrey, you're not trying to tick me off or anything, are you?
00:17:41Oh, Minister, far be it from me,
00:17:42I'm only a servant of the members of the Cabinet.
00:17:44A humble functionary.
00:17:46But I have been asked to reassure the Home Office
00:17:48that it doesn't occur again.
00:17:49Well, what do they give us silver badges for?
00:17:51It's a very special privilege, Minister.
00:17:54It allows us to pass through police cordons and security barriers,
00:17:57to park in prohibited areas and so forth.
00:17:59Well, it is not to protect drunks who drive cars.
00:18:04I will not be lectured by a functionary,
00:18:07even what as humble as your good self.
00:18:09I'm Minister of the Crown.
00:18:11Yes, yes, of course, Minister.
00:18:13I do apologise.
00:18:14I will inform the Crown of the incident, if that is your wish.
00:18:24Well, now I think of it, I...
00:18:26I think you can tell the Home Office that I take the point.
00:18:30Thank you, Minister.
00:18:31Does the Home Secretary himself know?
00:18:35It hardly matters.
00:18:37I am afraid that the Home Secretary
00:18:39has not been as lucky as you were,
00:18:41which is why he wasn't at Cabinet.
00:18:46Now, as you're aware,
00:18:47he personally initiated this
00:18:48Don't Drink and Drive at Christmas campaign
00:18:50and ordered to get tough policy from the police.
00:18:53Yes.
00:18:53Yes, well, unfortunately,
00:18:55he too was picked up last night
00:18:58for drunken driving in his own constituency.
00:19:02Have you seen the first edition of The Standard?
00:19:09Where on earth was this security man?
00:19:13Well, apparently, he'd given them the slip.
00:19:15You know how cunning these drunks can be.
00:19:20Couldn't they have hushed it all up,
00:19:22you know, silver badge job?
00:19:23Well, his case was rather different.
00:19:25He caused a lorry to overturn.
00:19:28It was full of nuclear waste.
00:19:30Then he rebounded from the lorry into a private car.
00:19:36It was being driven by the editor of a local newspaper.
00:19:38No.
00:19:39So, inevitably, it leaked out.
00:19:42The nuclear waste?
00:19:44Well, the story.
00:19:45Right.
00:19:47Well, obviously, the Home Secretary will have to resign.
00:19:49Alas, yes.
00:19:50What will happen to him?
00:19:52Well, I gather he was as drunk as the Lord,
00:19:54so after a discreet interval,
00:19:56they'll probably make him one.
00:19:57He's obviously been held up.
00:20:04You can stamp some of these cards for me
00:20:06while you're waiting, if you like.
00:20:07Oh, but aren't they two constituents?
00:20:09Yes.
00:20:09Well, that's not government business, Mrs Hacker.
00:20:11That's political activity.
00:20:12I'm not allowed to help with the Minister's political activities.
00:20:15Suppose they were all to journalists?
00:20:17Oh, that would be all right.
00:20:18They're all to journalists.
00:20:18Fine.
00:20:21I suppose licking is an essential part
00:20:23of relationships with the press.
00:20:25I hear the reshuffler is about to be announced.
00:20:29Oh, yes, it may be on the news.
00:20:31I like to watch the news.
00:20:33It's my best chance of finding out where Jim is.
00:20:35There was no question
00:20:37of American military personnel getting involved.
00:20:41We've just had a newsflash.
00:20:42It has been announced by Number 10 Downing Street
00:20:45that the Prime Minister is to retire early in the new year.
00:20:48He has said he does not want to serve
00:20:50through another parliament
00:20:51and wishes to give his successor a good run-up to the next election.
00:20:54That's all we have.
00:20:55We'll bring you further news as soon as we can.
00:20:58Have you heard the news?
00:20:59Yes.
00:21:00Well, that's what this afternoon's emergency cabinet meeting
00:21:02was about, to tell us.
00:21:03Why so suddenly?
00:21:04Well, he said it was to give his successor
00:21:06a good run-up to the next election.
00:21:08So that's obviously not the reason.
00:21:10Why?
00:21:11There's some extraordinary rumours going about.
00:21:14The left say he's a secret CIA agent.
00:21:17The right say he's a secret KGB agent.
00:21:19Minister, I've heard something quite different.
00:21:22Hmm?
00:21:23That there is £1 million worth of diamonds
00:21:24from South Africa in a Downing Street safe.
00:21:27But, of course, it's only a rumour.
00:21:29Is that true?
00:21:29Oh, yes.
00:21:32So, are all those diamonds in Downing Street?
00:21:36Are there?
00:21:37You just said there were.
00:21:38No, I didn't.
00:21:39Yes, you did.
00:21:40You said you'd heard this rumour.
00:21:41I said, is it true?
00:21:42You said yes.
00:21:43I said, yes, it was true that it was a rumour.
00:21:44You said you'd heard it was true.
00:21:45No, I said it was true that I'd heard it.
00:21:46I'm sorry to cut into this important discussion,
00:21:48but do you believe it?
00:21:49Well, I believe I heard it.
00:21:51Oh, about the diamonds?
00:21:52No.
00:21:53Is it impossible?
00:21:55No, but it's never been officially denied.
00:21:58First rule of politics,
00:21:59never believe anything until it's officially denied.
00:22:03Is there going to be a general election?
00:22:05No, there's no need.
00:22:06The majority is big enough.
00:22:08The party will just choose a new leader.
00:22:09Do you want the job?
00:22:10Me?
00:22:11Oh, no chance.
00:22:13It'll either be Eric or Duncan.
00:22:15Of course, it should have been Ray.
00:22:16He was deputy leader.
00:22:18But as he has had to resign as Home Secretary...
00:22:21Of course!
00:22:24That's why the PM resigned.
00:22:26Why?
00:22:27He's always hated Ray.
00:22:28He just hung on long enough
00:22:30to make sure that his deputy didn't get the leadership.
00:22:34Like Atlee and Morrison.
00:22:35So the resignation is to give time for the new leader
00:22:38to be run in before the next election.
00:22:40Now that the Home Secretary's been run in already.
00:22:43Eric wants me to support him for the leadership.
00:22:46He could be the right man.
00:22:48He's been a fairly successful Chancellor.
00:22:51I've already indicated that I'm on his side.
00:22:54What about Duncan?
00:22:55Duncan, yes.
00:22:56Well, Duncan could be the man.
00:22:58He's done fairly well at the Foreign Office, after all.
00:23:02I think I shall support Duncan.
00:23:03So you're supporting Eric and Duncan?
00:23:05It's all very well, Annie.
00:23:07But if I support Eric and Duncan gets it, well, that's it.
00:23:09And if I support Duncan and Eric gets it, well, that's it too.
00:23:12Then don't support either of them.
00:23:14Then whichever of them gets it.
00:23:15That's it.
00:23:16So who are you supporting?
00:23:17Duncan.
00:23:22Or Eric.
00:23:25Duncan's so divisive.
00:23:27So it really would be for the good of the party.
00:23:29The good of the country.
00:23:31But, Eric, I don't see how I can.
00:23:33Your support would be crucial.
00:23:35You're universally popular.
00:23:37I don't know.
00:23:38Good public image.
00:23:39Yes, I suppose, sir.
00:23:40Regarded by everybody as so.
00:23:42Am I?
00:23:43So, if you put your weight behind me...
00:23:45But you see my problem as chairman of the party...
00:23:48I don't know what would happen if Duncan got it.
00:23:51Disaster!
00:23:52Well, yes...
00:23:52I'll tell you one thing.
00:23:54I wouldn't keep him at the Foreign Office.
00:23:57I'd be looking for a new Foreign Secretary.
00:24:04But, as I said, I must appear impartial.
00:24:07But, of course, there could be ways of hinting at my support for you.
00:24:14In a perfectly impartial way.
00:24:17Of course.
00:24:22But, Duncan, as chairman of the party...
00:24:25As chairman of the party, you carry even more weight.
00:24:28You haven't gotten real enemies.
00:24:30Not yet, anyway.
00:24:31But, it's my job to be impartial.
00:24:34But, if only got into number ten, it would be catastrophic for the country.
00:24:37Well, yes.
00:24:39Jim, we're on the same side, aren't we?
00:24:43Yes.
00:24:43Good.
00:24:44I'm going to win, you know.
00:24:46And I never forgive people who let me down.
00:24:50I can't make my support too public.
00:24:54It doesn't have to be public.
00:24:55Just so long as everybody knows.
00:24:59And then, when I'm in number ten,
00:25:01and Eric's in Northern Ireland...
00:25:03We know who'll be the next Chancellor, don't we?
00:25:11Do it.
00:25:13You mean...
00:25:16Unless you fancy Northern Ireland yourself.
00:25:18I think it's at the Campaign for the Freedom of Information, by the way.
00:25:31Sorry, I can't talk about that.
00:25:39So, will the new PM be our eminent Chancellor,
00:25:42or our distinguished Foreign Secretary?
00:25:45Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
00:25:47Which do you think it should be?
00:25:49Difficult.
00:25:49Like asking which lunatic should run the asylum.
00:25:53The trouble is, they're both interventionists.
00:25:56They'd both have foolish notions about running the country themselves
00:25:58if they became Prime Minister.
00:26:00Have we any allies?
00:26:01Oh, quite a few, yes.
00:26:03Chief Whip, particularly.
00:26:05But he's worried that whichever gets the job
00:26:06will antagonise the other's supporters
00:26:08and split the party.
00:26:11So, we're looking for a compromise candidate.
00:26:13Hmm.
00:26:15Malleable?
00:26:16Flexible.
00:26:16Likeable?
00:26:17No firm opinions.
00:26:18No bright ideas.
00:26:19Not intellectually committed.
00:26:22Without the strength of purpose to change anything.
00:26:25Someone who you know can be manipulated.
00:26:27Professionally guided.
00:26:30Can't leave the business of government
00:26:31in the hands of the experts.
00:26:32Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
00:26:44It's impossible.
00:26:46Why, a lot of the government would welcome a, shall we say, less interventionist leader.
00:27:03Well, not the other two candidates.
00:27:05They might be persuaded.
00:27:07Well, to stand aside.
00:27:08Have you had a chance to glance at their MI5 files?
00:27:12No.
00:27:13Oh, you should always send for cabinet ministers MI5 files if you enjoy a good laugh.
00:27:18Oh, Bernard.
00:27:22Yes, sir.
00:27:24Just.
00:27:25Thank you very much.
00:27:26Yes.
00:27:26Do sit down.
00:27:27Oh, thank you.
00:27:29Mm-hmm.
00:27:30Mm-hmm.
00:27:31Happy New Year, by the way.
00:27:32Oh, thank you very much.
00:27:35Right.
00:27:35So, this is our very last piece of DAA business.
00:27:42Yes, I'm afraid so, Sir Humphrey.
00:27:44Oh, well.
00:27:46Bernard, just let me ask you something.
00:27:50What would you say to your present master as the next prime minister?
00:28:01The minister?
00:28:02Yes.
00:28:03Mr. Hacker?
00:28:04Yes.
00:28:05As prime minister.
00:28:07Yes.
00:28:10Are you in a hurry?
00:28:12No, I'm just checking to see it wasn't April the 1st.
00:28:19Are you suggesting that your minister is not up to the job of prime minister?
00:28:24Oh, no, Sir Arnold, it's not for me to, uh, well, I mean, of course I'm, I'm sure he's, uh...
00:28:32Oh, gosh.
00:28:33There is a considerable body of opinion that can see many advantages in the appointment.
00:28:39For Britain.
00:28:39For Britain.
00:28:41Yes.
00:28:42Well, yes.
00:28:43So we trust you to ensure that your minister does nothing incisive or divisive over the next few weeks?
00:28:50Avoids anything controversial.
00:28:52Expresses no firm opinion about anything at all.
00:28:56Now, is that quite clear?
00:28:58Yes.
00:28:59Well, I think that's probably what he was planning to do anyway.
00:29:03What's it all for, Bernard?
00:29:10What are we all doing?
00:29:12What does it all mean?
00:29:13I didn't read theology, minister.
00:29:15The waste of it all.
00:29:18Take that EEC reception last night.
00:29:20Humphrey introduced me to an official who spends his entire time paying a lot of farmers
00:29:24to produce masses of surplus food, and then he introduced me to another official who spends
00:29:29all of his time paying a lot of others to destroy all the surpluses.
00:29:33And then they pay thousands of bureaucrats to push masses of pieces of paper around to
00:29:36make it all work.
00:29:38Doesn't the futility of it all depress you, Bernard?
00:29:41Not really, minister.
00:29:42I'm a civil servant.
00:29:45I've been talking to Eric and Duncan.
00:29:49I think I promised to support Eric's candidature.
00:29:52I see.
00:29:54Then I think I promised to support Duncan's.
00:29:56Well, that sounds very even-handed, minister.
00:29:59Yes.
00:30:00I can't keep my promise to both of them, shall I?
00:30:02Well, they were only political promises, minister, weren't they?
00:30:04Yes.
00:30:05What do you mean?
00:30:06I mean, like your manifesto promises, people understand.
00:30:11Hmm.
00:30:12Trouble is, looking back, I can't remember either of them making any categorical promises
00:30:17to me.
00:30:18Well, then you have no problem.
00:30:19Yes, I have.
00:30:20I've still to decide who to support.
00:30:22You see, it's not just a question of picking the winner.
00:30:24My support could tip the balance.
00:30:26The real question is, do I want to be foreign secretary or chancellor of the Exchequer?
00:30:32Neither, do you?
00:30:33Why not?
00:30:34Well, they're both such terrible jobs.
00:30:36Well, then, you're talking about two of the top three cabinet jobs.
00:30:40Well, yes, I realise that, minister.
00:30:42Oh, Bertrand, you're just a civil servant.
00:30:43You don't really understand politics.
00:30:45Sorry.
00:30:45To be a success in politics, you have to be in the limelight.
00:30:48You have a very high political profile as chancellor of the Exchequer.
00:30:52And that has to be good for votes.
00:30:54You do see now, don't you?
00:30:55Well, yes, but with respect, minister, the chancellor is Mr Killjoy.
00:30:59I mean, raising taxes on beer and cigarettes and cutting down on public expenditure goes down
00:31:04awfully badly with the electorate.
00:31:06Maybe I don't want to be chancellor of the Exchequer.
00:31:11There's no escape in that job, is there?
00:31:15Unless, of course, you're sent to the Foreign and Commonwealth Office as a punishment.
00:31:19Punishment?
00:31:19Oh, yes.
00:31:20That's an even worse job.
00:31:21No votes in foreign affairs, you mean?
00:31:23Exactly.
00:31:24The FCO loves foreigners, but the British people want you to be nasty to them.
00:31:28Quite.
00:31:28Well, as far as world politics goes, of course, the Foreign Office is just an irrelevance.
00:31:34We've no real power.
00:31:35We're just a sort of American missile base, that's all.
00:31:39Yes, Mr.
00:31:40Between the devil and the deep blue sea, aren't I?
00:31:43Unless, of course, there is one other option.
00:31:47What other option?
00:31:48Do the middle job.
00:31:49The middle job?
00:31:50Home Secretary, be responsible for all the muggings, jailbreaks and race riots.
00:31:57No, be the one who takes all the credit.
00:32:00What do you mean?
00:32:01You mean...
00:32:04You don't mean...
00:32:09Do me?
00:32:11So, how's it all looking from the Chief Whip's office?
00:32:16You know perfectly well, if Eric gets it, we'll have a split in the party in three months.
00:32:20If it's Duncan, we'll have one in three weeks.
00:32:23Look, Jeffrey, the PM's asked me to take you into my confidence.
00:32:27I shouldn't be telling you this, but there are, how shall I say, security question marks
00:32:33over both the current candidates.
00:32:35What question marks?
00:32:37Alas, I can say no more.
00:32:41The only person I can disclose this to in the PM's absence, and as it is essentially
00:32:46a party matter, is the chairman of the government party.
00:32:49Jim Hacker?
00:32:50Yes, he's promised to join us.
00:32:52But in the meantime, do you think that the party can find a compromise candidate?
00:32:56Could be only one of half a dozen.
00:32:58I wondered if you'd considered the party chairman himself.
00:33:03Jim Hacker?
00:33:08Jim Hacker.
00:33:09Yes, it is possible, isn't it?
00:33:13After all, there have been less likely, Prime Ministers.
00:33:17Yes.
00:33:19Who?
00:33:20Oh, there must have been.
00:33:26Excuse me.
00:33:27Yeah?
00:33:29Oh, all right.
00:33:30Send him in.
00:33:35Oh, Minister, so good of you to call.
00:33:37Jeffrey, morning.
00:33:39Do sit down.
00:33:40Minister, I have a problem, and I need your help.
00:33:45Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
00:33:46Can't you run the country on your own?
00:33:51Yes, it is a rather grave matter, I'm afraid.
00:33:54Yes, of course.
00:33:54It's, um, to do with the leadership election.
00:33:58Now, the PM felt that we had no alternative but to call you, Ed.
00:34:01That bad, eh?
00:34:02There are certain items of confidential information which, whilst in theory they might be susceptible
00:34:09of innocent interpretation, do nevertheless contain a sufficient element of, shall we say,
00:34:13ambiguity, so that were they to be presented in a less than generous manner to an uncharitable
00:34:18mind, they might be a source of considerable embarrassment, and even conceivably hazard,
00:34:23were they to impinge upon the deliberations of an office of more than usual sensitivity.
00:34:29I'm sorry?
00:34:34He's talking about security question marks.
00:34:37Security?
00:34:38What do you mean?
00:34:39Secrets.
00:34:40Yes, I know what security means.
00:34:42What do you mean?
00:34:43I'm not allowed to know.
00:34:45Why not?
00:34:46Security.
00:34:48So, you see, Minister, since in the PM's absence you are deputising on party matters,
00:34:55perhaps I can show you this.
00:34:57It's a security file on the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
00:34:59Now, technically, of course, I can't show you any of it, but, um...
00:35:06Under the circumstances, I feel I can show you the relevant items.
00:35:11Now, here's a summary of the reports from the security services.
00:35:16Special branch.
00:35:18Oh, yes, interview with his driver.
00:35:25And the PM's confidential memo.
00:35:30Strict as secrecy, of course.
00:35:31Of course.
00:35:32You dirty old...
00:35:36You wouldn't have thought he had the time, would you?
00:35:44Workaholic like Eric.
00:35:45Well, my experience has been that people who are highly active in one area of life tend to be equally active in all the others.
00:35:52I mean, to look at him, you wouldn't think he went in for...
00:35:54Yes, I understand that the current expression is horizontal jogging.
00:35:58Of course, all this was some time ago, wasn't it?
00:36:05And none of it seems very conclusive.
00:36:07No, no, no.
00:36:08That's why the PM thought it was all right for him to be Chancellor, but in view of the Yugoslavian one and the two South Africans.
00:36:13And not to mention the shady lady from Argentina.
00:36:17And it's thought that she's just a cover anyway.
00:36:19Cover?
00:36:19What for?
00:36:22Good heavens, if all these ladies were just covers, what on earth were his real requirements?
00:36:30I really can't tell you.
00:36:32Oh.
00:36:34So, you see, it was thought that defence and the Foreign Office might be, shall we say, a little too delicate.
00:36:39Yes, I can see that.
00:36:41And then, of course, if he were PM, then he'd be head of the security services as well.
00:36:45It's unthinkable.
00:36:46What you're saying is that it's got to be Duncan.
00:36:49Yes, well, I was coming to that.
00:36:51Now, this is his...
00:36:52Special branch again.
00:36:56Then we have the fraud squad.
00:37:00Inland revenue.
00:37:02Secret auditor's reports.
00:37:04And, oh, the Bank of England Foreign Exchange Division.
00:37:06How much do you want?
00:37:09Well, this was technically legal at the time, wasn't it?
00:37:13Yes, it may have been, technically.
00:37:14But it certainly ruled him out of consideration for the Treasury.
00:37:18How did they get all this?
00:37:19Am I fine?
00:37:20Well, let's just say it has all been gone into quite enough.
00:37:25Like the shady lady.
00:37:29Isn't it all astounding, all this?
00:37:31I don't know.
00:37:32I haven't seen it.
00:37:33Halfway, I don't want you to think me foolish.
00:37:39Oh, Minister, perish the thought.
00:37:42Forgive me, Geoffrey.
00:37:43Why is Geoffrey here?
00:37:44We dare not allow these scandals.
00:37:45If they are as embarrassing as you both seem to think, it would be a deep embarrassment to the country and to the party if either of them became head of government.
00:37:51We don't want to be caught with our trousers down.
00:37:54Like Eric.
00:37:56Yes, I see.
00:37:59Yes, well, this is serious.
00:38:03Very serious.
00:38:04Very serious.
00:38:05What could happen if either of them became PM?
00:38:08Something very serious indeed.
00:38:10Very serious.
00:38:11I see.
00:38:13Serious repercussions.
00:38:14Serious repercussions.
00:38:15Of the utmost seriousness.
00:38:20Yes, that is serious.
00:38:22In fact, I would go so far as to say that it could hardly be more serious.
00:38:29I think we're all agreed, then.
00:38:31This is serious.
00:38:33Yes.
00:38:35Now, what happens now?
00:38:36Well, we've got to get the party to agree on another candidate.
00:38:39Quick.
00:38:40The Chief Whip wondered whether you had any ideas.
00:38:43As your party chairman.
00:38:44Well, it's rather difficult.
00:38:47You're looking for somebody with outstanding qualities.
00:38:50A potential prime minister.
00:38:53Someone who's sound.
00:38:55Yes.
00:38:57Likeable.
00:39:00Flexible.
00:39:02Yes.
00:39:03Normal.
00:39:07Solvent.
00:39:08Yes.
00:39:08And acceptable to both wings of the party.
00:39:11Oh.
00:39:12And someone who understands how to take advice, minister.
00:39:16Yes.
00:39:18Well.
00:39:19Gosh.
00:39:20Who can I suggest?
00:39:24Have you thought of doing the job yourself?
00:39:27Why not?
00:39:29Wouldn't you want to be a prime minister?
00:39:30Well, of course, I'd love to be, but it's a very big job.
00:39:34I'm not sure I could.
00:39:34Prime minister.
00:39:36Perhaps the minister feels that he's not absolutely prime ministerial calibre, Geoffrey.
00:39:40Oh, I don't think there's any doubt about that, Humphrey.
00:39:42No, no, no, no, no, minister.
00:39:43Not in my mind, but you do seem a little hesitant.
00:39:45Well, modesty forbids, but there's absolutely no doubt in my mind that I could do the job.
00:39:50Modestly put, minister.
00:39:50There's only one fly in the ointment.
00:39:54You are a bit of an outsider, unless you could stage manage some sort of public success in the next few days.
00:39:59Not for a tall order.
00:40:00I'm up to my neck in the euro sausage.
00:40:05Wouldn't it be enough to start campaigning?
00:40:07Just let people know that I want the job?
00:40:09Quite the reverse, Eddie.
00:40:10Oh?
00:40:11Better to let people know you don't want it.
00:40:13Wouldn't that be enough?
00:40:14Well, as long as you tell everybody you don't want it, yes.
00:40:17Leave the campaigning to me.
00:40:18If anybody asks you, simply say you have no ambitions in that direction.
00:40:22Yes, of course.
00:40:22But supposing somebody were to say, does that mean you'd refuse to stand?
00:40:26I mean, you know how these media people try to trap you.
00:40:28Well, minister, it's not my place, but on previous occasions, a generally acceptable answer has been that
00:40:33while one does not seek the office, one has pledged oneself to the service of one's country.
00:40:39And if one's friends were to persuade one that that was the best way one could serve,
00:40:44one might reluctantly have to accept the responsibility, whatever one's own private wishes might be.
00:40:57Private wishes might be.
00:41:01Yes, I think I've got that.
00:41:02So, it's a three-way election, then.
00:41:05Ideally, it should be an unopposed election.
00:41:07Well, unity goes down very well with the public, and a lot of the party would welcome that of them.
00:41:11Eric and Duncan wouldn't.
00:41:13Eric and Duncan must be persuaded to withdraw.
00:41:17Oh, you mean you'll have a word with them both?
00:41:20I can't.
00:41:21I haven't seen the files.
00:41:23Well, how'd it be Humphrey, then?
00:41:25No, minister, it's an internal party matter.
00:41:27It would be most improper.
00:41:28Well, who...
00:41:30You don't mean...
00:41:34I can't.
00:41:36No one else can.
00:41:38You're asking me to tell one of my colleagues that he's a swindler, and the other one that he's a pervert.
00:41:43Well, not in so many words, minister.
00:41:46You can say that you don't believe that they've done anything wrong,
00:41:49but just let them know that you know something.
00:41:51Now, tell me to mind my own bloody business.
00:41:53Then you say that as party chairman, it's your duty to see this information reaches those who need to know.
00:41:59The party executive, its major contributors and elder statesmen, patrons, the palace, perhaps.
00:42:05You must tell each of them that they have no alternative but to pull out
00:42:09and support someone who will protect them.
00:42:13You want me to protect them?
00:42:16Well, their private life is nobody else's business as long as security is not involved.
00:42:21I don't think I've got the stomach for the task.
00:42:23You have no choice now that you know.
00:42:25Well, nobody else knows that I know.
00:42:28Let's just forget all about it.
00:42:31That would be very courageous.
00:42:34Courageous? Why?
00:42:35Well, if anything were to happen and later on it were to emerge,
00:42:38that you had the information and suppressed it.
00:42:41You mean you'd leak it?
00:42:44Covering up for your chum?
00:42:46Greater love hath no man than this, that he should lay down his career.
00:42:50Oh, you're threatening me.
00:42:54No, Minister, I'm helping you.
00:42:58You see, Jim, there's one other quality Prime Ministers need.
00:43:04The killer instinct.
00:43:06The killer instinct.
00:43:08Ah, thanks.
00:43:15Well, here's to number ten, eh?
00:43:18Thanks. I mean...
00:43:19What's up, Jim?
00:43:32Duncan, I have a problem.
00:43:36You're not going to support me?
00:43:37Yes, no.
00:43:38Yes, no?
00:43:39Exactly.
00:43:40Some information has come my way.
00:43:44Oh, yes?
00:43:46Serious information concerning your personal financial operations.
00:43:52I beg your pardon?
00:43:54About the collapse of Continental in general.
00:43:57Well, that was just bad luck.
00:43:58And the previous transfer of funds to directors' nominee companies?
00:44:02There was nothing wrong with that.
00:44:04Technically, but in conjunction with a similar case at Offshore Securities?
00:44:08Where did you get all this?
00:44:13I'm sorry, Duncan, but if you're in the running for PM, I shall feel obliged to share what I know with senior party members.
00:44:20You see, if it should all come out into the open, there'd have to be a full inquiry by the Inland Revenue Fraud Squad.
00:44:26Of course, none of that need matter if it's all above board, as you say it is.
00:44:32And I'm sure it is, if you say so.
00:44:40There was nothing improper.
00:44:41Oh, good.
00:44:42Then I shall feel free to talk about it all.
00:44:44Bring it all out into the open.
00:44:46Hold on.
00:44:48Financial matters can be misinterpreted.
00:44:49People will get hold of the wrong end of the stick.
00:44:51How true.
00:44:51Look, Jim, I'm not sure that I really want number 10.
00:44:59The Foreign Office is a better job in many ways, but I won't support Eric.
00:45:05Suppose Eric didn't get it.
00:45:08How would it be if you were to transfer all your support to someone else?
00:45:15Who?
00:45:16Well, it'd have to be somebody who recognised your qualities.
00:45:19Somebody who'd want you to stay at the Foreign Office.
00:45:23Someone who could be discreet about Continental and General.
00:45:27Someone you could trust.
00:45:30An old friend.
00:45:36Do you mean, uh, you?
00:45:38I have absolutely no ambition in that direction.
00:45:43You do mean you.
00:45:48I see.
00:45:49You do realise this is serious, don't you, Eric?
00:45:51Yes.
00:45:52And you're not going to help me, right?
00:45:54Yes.
00:45:55Yes, you are, or yes, you're not?
00:45:56Yes.
00:45:57Jim.
00:45:58Yes, I'm going to help you, but not to become PM.
00:46:01You said you were.
00:46:02That was before I knew all about the lady from Argentina.
00:46:07And others.
00:46:09I see.
00:46:10You see, as party chairman, I have my duty.
00:46:13It'd be a disaster for the party if you were to come PM and all this were to come out.
00:46:18I mean, I wouldn't care to have to explain it to Her Majesty.
00:46:22Would you?
00:46:23I'll withdraw.
00:46:28I think that's very sensible.
00:46:31So, we'll say no more about it to everyone.
00:46:34Thanks, Jim.
00:46:36So, Duncan will get number ten, my God.
00:46:39Not if I can help it.
00:46:41Who then?
00:46:43Cheers.
00:46:46You don't mean you.
00:46:48Me.
00:46:48Our children are reaching the age where Annie and I are hoping to spend much more time with each other.
00:46:55You do mean you.
00:46:59Our Minister.
00:47:00I'm free.
00:47:01What's all the hurry?
00:47:01Yes, I'm so sorry.
00:47:02I've just been able to arrange a brief meeting with the European Commissioner.
00:47:06Oh, yes, but he's flown out this morning.
00:47:07No, his flight's been delayed.
00:47:09Oh, so?
00:47:10Well, I think we might be able to persuade him to solve our little sausage problem.
00:47:14How?
00:47:16Excuse me.
00:47:17Yes?
00:47:18Oh, yes.
00:47:20Ask him to come in, will you?
00:47:23Leave it to me.
00:47:26Just, um, just give me support when I ask for it.
00:47:32Ah.
00:47:32Maurice, I'm very nice to see you.
00:47:34You know each other.
00:47:35Yes, dear Jim.
00:47:37To what do I owe this pleasure?
00:47:41The Minister asked me to arrange this little meeting to see if you could, um, help us with a problem.
00:47:48The problem?
00:47:49Of course.
00:47:50Now, the problem is that the EEC is becoming very unpopular over here.
00:47:55Isn't that so, Minister?
00:47:56Absolutely.
00:47:56Very unpopular.
00:47:57And you want to restore its image?
00:47:59Yes.
00:47:59No.
00:48:00No.
00:48:00And the problem is that the Minister feels that there would be more votes, that he would be better expressing the views of the British people by joining the attack on the EEC than by leaping to its defence.
00:48:14Exactly.
00:48:15But your government is committed to support us.
00:48:19The Minister's point, as I understand it, is that the government's commitment is to the concept and to the treaty.
00:48:27Treaty?
00:48:28It's not committed to the institutions, nor to the practices, nor to individual policies.
00:48:33The Minister was giving me an example the other day, weren't you, Minister?
00:48:40About food production.
00:48:42Oh, yes.
00:48:44I've discovered that one of your officials spends all his time paying farmers to produce masses of surplus food, while somebody in the next office pays people to destroy the surpluses.
00:48:53That's not true.
00:48:54No.
00:48:55He's not in the next office.
00:48:57Not even on the same floor.
00:48:58And the Minister has hundreds of similar examples, haven't you, Minister?
00:49:03Hundreds.
00:49:03And the nub of the problem is that the Minister is beginning to think that some member of the Cabinet ought to start telling the British people about them.
00:49:13That would be intolerable.
00:49:16Even the Italians wouldn't stoop that low.
00:49:18The Italians aren't being asked to redesignate salami as emulsified, high-fat offal tubing.
00:49:27Ah.
00:49:28And what are you proposing?
00:49:32After all, we are committed to harmonization.
00:49:35We cannot call it the sausage.
00:49:37What do you suggest?
00:49:40Well, politics is about presentation.
00:49:44Why don't we call it the British sausage?
00:49:47British sausage?
00:49:49Sausage anglaise.
00:49:51Sausage anglaise.
00:49:52British wurst.
00:49:54Yes.
00:49:55I think we could.
00:49:56Uh, recommend that to the Commission.
00:49:59Splendid.
00:50:00The Minister's always said that the EEC is a splendid institution, haven't you, Minister?
00:50:05Splendid.
00:50:05European correspondents are all here now, Minister.
00:50:15Good.
00:50:15Let them in.
00:50:16Will you send them in?
00:50:18Uh, presumably this is to tell them about the euro sausage problem.
00:50:21That's right, Bernard, and that you've solved it.
00:50:24Well, no, Bernard.
00:50:25Those solved problems aren't news stories to the press.
00:50:28Bad news is good news.
00:50:29I'm not going to ever give them a non-story today.
00:50:32I'm going to give them a disaster today and a triumph tomorrow.
00:50:35Oh, I see.
00:50:37Good morning, gentlemen.
00:50:39Come down again.
00:50:39Good morning.
00:50:40Good news, you darling.
00:50:42Very good of you to come.
00:50:43Now, look, all this is on a lobby basis, non-attributable, but we've got some trouble coming up with Brussels.
00:50:49As I suppose somebody's going to tell you about it anyway sometime.
00:50:51I'd better tell you about it now myself.
00:50:54The trouble is that Brussels is about to make the British sausage illegal under EEC regulations.
00:51:02Minister, they're not making the sausage illegal, just the name.
00:51:05Thank you, Bernard.
00:51:06I'll be dealing with that.
00:51:09What do you mean, illegal?
00:51:11Well, effectively illegal.
00:51:12The pork sausage will have to contain 75% lean pork.
00:51:16And the same for the beef sausage.
00:51:1775% lean pork, too.
00:51:2475% lean beef.
00:51:26Which, of course, would put it in the luxury food bracket.
00:51:29When is this being promulgated?
00:51:30Next month, probably.
00:51:32They'll deny it, of course.
00:51:33Probably tell you they're us discussing changing its name or something.
00:51:36What is the government going to do about it?
00:51:38I just don't know.
00:51:40It's a big problem.
00:51:41I won't pretend we've got an answer.
00:51:44Right?
00:51:45Well, I must rush.
00:51:46That's all I've got for now.
00:51:46Any more questions?
00:51:47When can we use this?
00:51:49Tomorrow, as far as I'm concerned.
00:51:50Right.
00:51:51Well, it'll give you a drink in the press office.
00:51:53Thank you so much for coming.
00:51:57Minister, you do realise the press will be printing something that isn't true?
00:52:00Really?
00:52:03I'm frightful.
00:52:04Today's big story about the proposed European ban on the British sausage has caused a major
00:52:13political storm.
00:52:14Westminster sources say the sausage could be another banana skin.
00:52:17It's only after the government's problems with the succession.
00:52:22Senior people in the party are increasingly troubled by the fact that the two obvious candidates
00:52:26for the leadership represent the extreme wings of the party.
00:52:30Pressure is mounting for them to withdraw in favour of a compromise candidate.
00:52:33But none of the other contenders so far seems to have caught the public imagination.
00:52:39Now, sport, there are only two matches in the council.
00:52:42Is that true, about the compromise candidate?
00:52:47I believe so.
00:52:48Where do they get their information from?
00:52:50I can't imagine, Bernard.
00:52:53Anyway, I never said compromise.
00:52:55I said moderate.
00:52:57Incidentally, Minister, why are BBC television and ITN covering your speech this evening?
00:53:02I can't imagine, Bernard.
00:53:03I mean, I know that fire and safety policy in government buildings is awfully important.
00:53:10Perhaps someone suggested that I was going to raise other issues as well.
00:53:15Who?
00:53:17I can't imagine, Bernard.
00:53:21I am a good European.
00:53:23I believe in the European ideal.
00:53:26Never again shall we repeat the bloodshed of the two world wars.
00:53:31Europe is here to stay.
00:53:34But this does not mean that we have to bow the knee to every directive
00:53:38from every little bureaucratic bonaparte in Brussels.
00:53:42We are a sovereign nation still.
00:53:45We are British and proud of it.
00:53:50We have made enough concessions to the European Commissar for Agriculture.
00:53:55And when I say commissar, I use the word advisedly.
00:53:59We've swallowed the wine lake.
00:54:00We've swallowed the butter mountain.
00:54:01We've watched our French friends beating up British lorry drivers,
00:54:06carrying good British land to the French public.
00:54:09We have bowed and scraped and doffed our caps,
00:54:12tugged our forelocks and turned the other cheek.
00:54:14But I say enough is enough.
00:54:17The Europeans have run too far.
00:54:22They are now threatening the British sausage.
00:54:25They want to stand it up.
00:54:27By which they mean they'll force the British people to eat salami and brunt.
00:54:31Garlic-ridden, greasy foods.
00:54:34That's alien to the British way of life.
00:54:36Do you want to eat salami for breakfast with your egg and bacon?
00:54:39I don't.
00:54:40And I won't.
00:54:43They turned our pints into litres and our yards into beaters.
00:54:49We gave up the tanner, the threatening bit, the two-bob piece and the half-crown.
00:54:53But they cannot and will not destroy the British sausage.
00:54:56Not while I'm here.
00:55:03In the words of Martin Luther, here I stand.
00:55:14Strong stuff, Minister.
00:55:16Well, I feel strongly about it.
00:55:18I sometimes wonder whether you media people just realise
00:55:21how strongly we others feel about Britain, about our country.
00:55:25We love it and we're proud of it.
00:55:27So you're at odds with government policy over the EEC?
00:55:30I'm very happy with government policy, Sir Ludovic.
00:55:34Well, Mr. Kennedy.
00:55:36But it's never been government policy to abolish the British sausage.
00:55:40Sausages are not only good to eat, you know.
00:55:42They're full of top-quality nourishment.
00:55:44Minister, Brussels has denied ever wanting to abolish the British sausage.
00:55:48Well, they would, wouldn't they?
00:55:49They know what they're up against.
00:55:50They know the strength of British public opinion.
00:55:52Your speech got a lot of coverage and a lot of praise.
00:55:57Was there any significance in the timing?
00:55:59I'm sorry?
00:56:00Well, your party is looking for a new leader
00:56:02and your name has been mentioned a few times.
00:56:06Uh, quite a lot.
00:56:07Absolutely.
00:56:09But, uh, no, I have no ambitions at all in that direction.
00:56:12So you definitely won't be letting your name go forward?
00:56:16Well, Ludo, all I've...
00:56:18All I've ever wanted to do is serve my country.
00:56:23I've never sought office.
00:56:25Of course, if my colleagues were to persuade me
00:56:27that the best place to serve it from was Number 10 Downing Street,
00:56:30well, I might perhaps reluctantly be persuaded
00:56:33to undertake the responsibility,
00:56:36whatever my own private wishes might be.
00:56:38So, if you're not in the running, who will you be voting for?
00:56:42Well, of course, it's far too early to say.
00:56:44But I will say this.
00:56:46This is a time for healing.
00:56:49A time to stress what we agree about,
00:56:53not what we disagree about.
00:56:55We should be looking for the good in our opponents,
00:56:57not always be looking for the false.
00:57:00There's good in everyone you know, Ludo.
00:57:04Except the French.
00:57:06Except...
00:57:07Even the French.
00:57:21Ah, Minister, a message came through from Central House
00:57:24while you were in Cabinet Committee.
00:57:25Yes, yes.
00:57:26They brought the party meeting forward.
00:57:28It started an hour ago.
00:57:29Brought it forward?
00:57:30Yes, any moment now, the committee will have decided
00:57:33whether or not they're going to bring up another candidate
00:57:35to oppose you in the election.
00:57:36But the Chief Whip will be phoning through the moment it's over.
00:57:39Oh, will he...
00:57:40Will they...
00:57:40What if they have...
00:57:41Which phone?
00:57:45What?
00:57:46Which phone will he ring on?
00:57:47Oh.
00:57:48Um...
00:57:49Oh, this one, probably.
00:57:51Or this one.
00:57:55Either, really.
00:57:56The only danger is if Duncan and Eric withdraw,
00:57:58which they will,
00:57:59they might not support me.
00:58:00And that'll mean an election.
00:58:01Yes, quite.
00:58:01But I understand that you're the favourite candidate
00:58:03for both factions,
00:58:04in which case you'd be unopposed.
00:58:06That's what they say.
00:58:07Oh, well.
00:58:10No point in worrying about it.
00:58:13Might as well sit down and relax.
00:58:18Yes.
00:58:21Yes.
00:58:25Yes.
00:58:29Yes.
00:58:30Bernard has an urgent message.
00:58:33Minister, the, uh...
00:58:34The Palace have been on the phone.
00:58:36The Palace?
00:58:37The Palace.
00:58:37Why?
00:58:38They want to know if you'll be free
00:58:39to kiss hands at five o'clock.
00:58:41That's only in the event
00:58:42of an unopposed recommendation.
00:58:47I think I might...
00:58:48be able to make that.
00:59:00Bernard...
00:59:01I suppose that...
00:59:03You know, if I...
00:59:05Well...
00:59:06Um...
00:59:07I should still want
00:59:09a Principal Private Secretary.
00:59:12Do you think...
00:59:13Oh, Minister.
00:59:16Gosh.
00:59:19That'd be all right,
00:59:20wouldn't it, Humphrey?
00:59:20Well, the Prime Minister's word is law, Minister.
00:59:24Yes.
00:59:25Yes.
00:59:25Yes.
00:59:25Yes.
00:59:26Yes, he's here.
00:59:44I'll tell him.
00:59:45Prime Minister.
00:59:53Yes.
00:59:54Prime Minister.
00:59:55I'm...
00:59:56I'm...
00:59:57I'm...
00:59:58Yes, Prime Minister.
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