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Tv, Yes Minister - S03E06 - The Whiskey Priest
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00:00Music
00:30what time is he coming anytime should be here now
00:59something's happened to him you mean you think he's missed his bus no no no no
01:04I mean something may have happened who is he exactly all I know is he's an army
01:16officer something to tell me he wouldn't divulge on the telephone oh it's
01:19probably nothing perhaps still remember Churchill the wilderness years he found
01:26out about our military inadequacy and Hitler's war machine from army officers
01:30so all the time he was in the wilderness he was able to leak stories to the press
01:34and embarrass the government I could do that
01:38but you're in the government oh yes
01:43I'll get it
01:48major saunders yes sir come in
01:59follow me
02:05it's all right my wife Annie good evening drink thanks Scott thanks sit down thanks no need to keep
02:21thanking my man thanks I mean no need to apologize either sorry shall I go and let
02:29you two talk in private together no no please stay if that's all right with you
02:32who is no secrets of Manny I tell her everything several times usually so is
02:40this highly confidential well it is rather yes shall I turn on the radio why is
02:46there something good on in case we're being bugged oh is that likely who's in charge of bugging
02:55politicians ah yes come to think that I am that's all right then could I just say that
03:04what I'm about to tell you I'm telling you on a personal basis fine what do you mean exactly I'm
03:12telling you personally or not as minister for administrative affairs but I am minister of
03:16administrative affairs yes but I'm not telling you in that role I am telling you as a journalist
03:21you're a journalist I thought you were an army officer no you're a journalist I'm a minister yes but
03:31what were you before you became a minister your starter for 10 no conferring yes I get your drift
03:38you're telling me what you're telling me and incidentally I don't know yet what you're telling
03:42me but whatever you're telling me you're telling me is the former editor of reform is that yes you
03:47were a very fine editor well I wouldn't say that well you've often said that but how do I prevent
03:53myself as a minister from knowing what you're going to tell me is the former editor I mean I can't
03:58prevent the minister from knowing can I I think he means it's a question of hats done yes fine well I'm not
04:04wearing my ministerial hat tonight I understand that but I think I ought to warn you that if I need
04:08to be told what you tell me I shan't hesitate to do my duty and keep myself fully informed
04:13fine now who's in charge of selling British weapons to foreigners this hacker LSE you wrote an article in
04:29reform about the sale of British weapons to undesirable foreign buyers yes yes it was called
04:34the dreadful trades perfectly patriotic to manufacture arms for our own defense or for that of our allies
04:40although not all our allies are very commendable people but we must not sell British weapons to
04:46bolster the regimes of foreign despots nazi dictators or terrorists terrorists terrorists terrorists as I told you
04:57I've recently returned from Rome yes NATO or something wasn't yes a military delegation to NATO while I was
05:04there they shared me something they captured in a raid on a terrorist HQ it was a computerized bomb
05:10detonator very new very secret and very lethal who showed it to you I'm afraid I can't possibly tell you
05:17it's an absolute confidence see computerized bomb detonator yes you set it to calculate the weight of the
05:24victim the speed of his car and so on so that you're sure of getting him and you can reprogram it remotely
05:29by radio after setting it
05:31it wasn't made in Italy it was made here made in Britain yes under a ministry of defense contract and paid for by the British taxpayer and used by Italian terrorists yes where did they get them that's what I want to know you haven't told anybody else about this no I can't if I make a
05:58official report then I'd have to disclose my sources but I thought if I tell someone near the top of government
06:04at the top actually
06:06yes that secret British equipment was being supplied to Italian terrorists then he would
06:14um absolutely what would he find out how it's being done the investigation would have to start
06:22here in Britain of course and at the very top level fine but you told me that you were telling me on a
06:29personal level didn't you yes but now you know personally even if you don't know officially you can
06:35use your personal knowledge to start official investigations to get official confirmation of
06:40personal suspicions so that what you now know personally but not officially will then know
06:45officially as well as personal
06:47not related to Sir Humphrey Appleby by the time
06:51who
06:53never mind
06:54I just felt I had to tell someone
06:58absolutely
06:58well
06:59now I know
07:01personally
07:02marvellous
07:03going to do something about it aren't you
07:06oh absolutely
07:07indeed I am
07:08and right away
07:09right away
07:10right away
07:11what
07:13what
07:14are you going to do
07:15I'm going to think about what you've told me
07:19right away
07:21and then
07:23and then I'm going to consider
07:26various
07:27courses of action
07:28without delay
07:29you're going to take action without delay
07:31I'm going to consider taking action without delay
07:33are you related to Sir Humphrey Appleby
07:36oh
07:38I must be off
07:40but I can rely on you to tackle this shocking matter
07:44indeed you can
07:45goodbye
07:47goodnight
07:48goodnight major
07:51goodnight
07:52thank you
07:54well
07:58what do you make of that eh
08:01you are going to do something about it aren't you
08:03I certainly am
08:04it's right
08:05I can't believe it's true
08:07could it happen
08:09it couldn't
08:12could it
08:13and it's not just that it shouldn't but it couldn't
08:16and if it could it wouldn't
08:18would it
08:19you are related to Sir Humphrey
08:25Humphrey I must talk to you about something
08:27something that concerns me deeply
08:30really
08:32profoundly important
08:33is it the amendment to the administrative order on stock control and government establishment
08:37no
08:38or the procedure for the renewal of local authority leaseholds in
08:41in special development areas
08:43no what concerns me
08:44is a great issue
08:46really of life and death
08:48oh
08:49shouldn't that wait till after work
08:52it is work
08:54oh really
08:55well please go on
08:56how do British armaments manufacturers sell their arms to foreigners
09:00well I believe you have to get an export license from the department of trade
09:04so private firms can sell their arms abroad
09:07private companies and government agencies
09:09to whom do they sell
09:10well foreign governments usually
09:12is that all
09:13well sometimes you can sell to an arms dealer
09:15a third party
09:16perhaps a little man in Manchester buys on behalf of a party in the Channel Islands
09:20who is a contact in Luxembourg
09:22so there's no real control over who the arms go to in the end
09:26oh indeed there is
09:27the dealer has to provide an end user certificate
09:30which is a signature acceptable to her majesty's government
09:33that the ultimate customer is in fact an approved user
09:36well is that a real guarantee
09:38I mean would you be surprised for instance
09:40if a British aircraft carrier turned up in the Central African Republic
09:44well I for one minister would be very surprised it's a thousand miles inland
09:53yes you know what I mean
09:54what about smaller weapons
09:56well it's visually impossible
09:58there's stringent security
09:59rigorous inspection procedures
10:00meticulous scrutiny
10:02you mean it's all a facade
10:08ah
10:09I think perhaps this conversation should end here
10:12don't you minister
10:13no
10:14it's as I thought
10:15last night
10:16a confidential source disclosed to me
10:18that British arms are being sold to Italian red terrorist groups
10:22I see
10:23may I ask who this confidential source was
10:26I'm fairly said it was confidential
10:28I'm sorry I naturally assumed that meant you were going to tell me
10:31you seem to be very worried by this information
10:35well these things happen all the time
10:37it's not our problem
10:38so does robbery with violence
10:40doesn't that worry you
10:41no minister
10:42home office problem
10:43Humphrey
10:45we are letting terrorists get hold of murderous weapons
10:48we're not
10:49well who is
10:51well who knows
10:52department of trade
10:53ministry of defense
10:54foreign office
10:55we Humphrey
10:56the British government
10:57innocent lives are being set at risk
10:59by British arms in the hands of terrorists
11:02only Italian lives
11:04not British lives
11:06British tourists abroad
11:09tourists
11:10foreign office problem
11:11Humphrey
11:12we have to do something
11:13with respect minister
11:14we have to do nothing
11:15what do you mean
11:16the sale of arms abroad
11:18is one of those areas of government
11:20that we do not examine too closely
11:21well I have to
11:22now that I know about
11:23but you could say you don't know
11:24you're suggesting I should lie
11:25oh not you mister no
11:27well who should lie
11:28sleeping dogs minister
11:31I'm going to raise this
11:34no minister I beg you
11:35a basic rule of government
11:36is never look into anything
11:37you don't have to
11:38never set up an inquiry
11:40unless you know in advance
11:41what its findings will be
11:42I can't believe this
11:44we're talking about good and evil
11:46our Church of England problem
11:47no Humphrey
11:48our problem
11:49we are discussing right and wrong
11:53you may be minister but I'm not
11:55it would be a serious misuse of government time
11:57selling arms to terrorists is wrong
11:59can't you see that Humphrey
12:00no minister
12:01either you sell arms or you don't
12:03if you sell them
12:04they will inevitably end up with people
12:06who have the cash to buy them
12:07but not terrorists
12:09well I suppose we could put some sort of government health warning on the rifle but
12:14this gun can seriously damage your health
12:18it's all very well to take this lightly Humphrey
12:20but we cannot close our eyes to something that is as morally wrong as this
12:24very well minister if you insist on making me discuss moral issues
12:27may I point out to you that something is either morally wrong or it isn't
12:30it can't be slightly morally wrong
12:31no don't quibble Humphrey
12:33government isn't about morality
12:35stability
12:36really?
12:37what is it about it?
12:38stability
12:39keeping things going
12:40preventing anarchy
12:42stopping society
12:43falling to bits
12:44still being here tomorrow
12:45what for?
12:47what is the ultimate purpose of government?
12:50if it isn't for doing good
12:51minister government isn't about good and evil
12:53it's only about order or chaos
12:55and it's in order for Italian terrorists to get British bombs
12:59and you don't care?
13:01it's not my job to care
13:03that's what politicians are for
13:05my job is to carry out government policy
13:07even if you think it's wrong?
13:08well almost all government policy is wrong
13:10but
13:12frightfully well carried out
13:17Humphrey have you ever known a civil servant to resign on a matter of principle?
13:21I should think not
13:23what an appalling suggestion
13:26for the first time I fully understand that you are purely committed to means
13:30and not to ends
13:32well as far as I'm concerned minister and all of my colleagues
13:35there is no difference between means and ends
13:37if you believe that Humphrey
13:39you will go to hell
13:44minister I had no idea you had a theological bent
13:47you are a moral vacuum
13:51if you say so minister
13:53it's time for your lunch appointment minister
13:55you're keeping very quiet Bernard
13:57what would you do about all this?
13:59I would keep very quiet minister
14:01so minister may we drop this matter of the arms sales?
14:05no we may not
14:06I am going to tell the prime minister personally
14:09make an appointment for me would you Bernard?
14:12this is just the sort of thing that the prime minister wants to know about
14:14I assure you minister this is just the sort of thing the prime minister desperately wants not to know about
14:19we shall see about that
14:21indeed we will
14:25what's the matter Bernard?
14:29oh nothing really sir Humphrey
14:31you look unhappy
14:33well I was just wondering if the minister was right actually
14:35very unlikely what about?
14:37about ends and means
14:39about ends and means
14:41I mean will I end up as a moral vacuum too?
14:43oh I hope so Bernard
14:47if you work hard enough
14:51makes me feel rather downcast
14:55if it's our job to carry out government policies
14:57shouldn't we believe in them?
14:59what an extraordinary idea
15:01why?
15:03Bernard
15:05I have served 11 governments in the past 30 years
15:09if I had lead in all their policies
15:11I would have been passionately committed to keeping out of the common market
15:15and passionately committed to going into it
15:17I would have been utterly convinced of the rightness of nationalising steel
15:21and of denationalising it and re-nationalising it
15:25and capital punishment
15:27I would have been a fervent retentionist
15:31and an ardent abolitionist
15:33I would have been a Keynesian and a Friedmanite
15:35a grammar school preserver and destroyer
15:37a nationalisation freak
15:39and a privatisation maniac
15:41but above all
15:43I would have been a stark staring raving schizophrenic
15:47so what do we believe in?
15:49at this moment Bernard
15:51we believe in stopping the minister from informing the prime minister
15:55but why?
15:56because once the prime minister knows
15:58there will have to be an enquiry
16:00like Watergate
16:02the investigation of a trivial break-in
16:04led to one ghastly revelation after another
16:06and finally the downfall of a president
16:08the golden rule is
16:10don't lift lids off cans of worms
16:12no Sir Humphrey
16:14everything is connected to everything else
16:16who said that?
16:18the cabinet secretary
16:20nearly right actually it was Lenin
16:22so how do you stop a cabinet minister talking to a prime minister?
16:28well now that is a very interesting question you tell me
16:30I don't know
16:32well work it out Bernard
16:34you're supposed to be a high flyer
16:36or are you really a low flyer
16:38supported by occasional gusts of wind
16:40well
16:42you can't stop the minister seeing the PM can you?
16:46I can't no
16:48nor can the private office at number 10
16:50correct
16:52so it has to be someone pretty high up in government
16:54getting warmer
16:56close to the PM
16:57someone who can frighten the minister
17:00the chief whip?
17:01oh excellent Bernard
17:02you've learnt a lot
17:03so
17:04how do you crack the whip?
17:06I'm sorry?
17:08how do you mobilise the chief whip?
17:11well the ministers asked me to phone the PM's private office for an appointment
17:15so
17:16if you had a word with the cabinet secretary
17:18and he had a word with the diary secretary
17:21and they all had a word with the whip's office
17:25then when the minister arrived
17:27the chief whip could meet him and say the PM was rather busy
17:30and had asked him to have a word with the minister instead
17:34excellent Bernard
17:36you should have taken a degree in engineering
17:42what are you doing?
17:43I thought you wanted to talk to the cabinet secretary sir
17:45I do indeed
17:46now do you Bernard
17:47as the minister's private secretary
17:49feel obliged to tell the minister of this conversation?
17:54what conversation?
17:57well done Bernard
18:00you'll be a moral vacuum yet
18:02oh Jim
18:11my dear chap how nice to see you
18:14Vic I was hoping to see the prime minister actually
18:17yes
18:18actually the PM's rather busy today
18:20asked me to see you instead
18:22I'm sorry Vic
18:23it's not really a matter for the chief whip
18:25yes well the PM has asked me to have a preliminary conversation
18:27and write a background note
18:29save time later
18:30oh
18:35well
18:36I've been given some pretty dramatic information
18:39go on
18:40go on
18:41the Italian red terrorist groups are being supplied with top secret bomb detonators
18:46made in this country in a government factory
18:49and you feel you should tell the PM?
18:52well yes the PM's head of security
18:54I don't think it's anything to burden the PM with let's hold it over shall we?
18:58you mean forget all about it?
19:00that's my recommendation
19:02I'm sorry Vic I can't accept it
19:05the PM must be told
19:07if the PM were to be told there'd have to be an inquiry
19:10exactly
19:11which might perhaps reveal that all sorts of undesirable even hostile governments
19:15had been supplied with British made arms
19:17you serious?
19:18oh I said perhaps
19:20which might perhaps be highly embarrassing to some of our cabinet colleagues
19:23foreign secretary
19:24defense secretary
19:25trade secretary
19:26and to the PM personally
19:29yes well
19:30doing the right thing might be embarrassing sometimes
19:32but that's not a very good reason for not doing it
19:35you know we already sell arms to places like Syria, Chile, Iran
19:39yes but that's officially approved
19:40quite
19:41and you're happy about what they do with them?
19:43well
19:44obviously not entirely
19:45well either you're in the arms business or you're not
19:47well if being in it means arming murderers and terrorists
19:52then we should be out
19:53it's immoral
19:54oh great
19:55great
19:56and is it moral to put a hundred thousand British workers out of a job
20:00and what about the exports?
20:02two billion pounds a year down the tube for starters
20:04and what about the votes?
20:06where do you think the government places all those weapons contracts?
20:09in marginal constituencies obviously
20:11exactly
20:14look Vic all I'm saying is that now that I know about it
20:16the prime minister must be told
20:18why?
20:19why?
20:20just because you've caught something nasty
20:22why do you have to wonder about breathing over it?
20:26are you happy in the cabinet?
20:28yes of course I am
20:29do you want to stay in it?
20:31hmm
20:33well then
20:35I'm sorry Vic
20:37there is such a thing as duty
20:38there are times when one must do what one's conscience tells one
20:42oh for God's sake
20:45must you go round flashing your petty private individual little conscience?
20:48don't you think anybody else has got one?
20:52haven't you got a conscience about the survival of the government?
20:54of course I am
20:55yes
20:56here's the PM on the verge of signing an international anti-terrorist agreement
21:00oh I didn't know about that
21:01yes there's a lot you don't know about
21:03can't you see that it's essential to deal with the major policy aspects
21:07rather than pick off a couple of little arms exporters and terrorist groups
21:10yes I suppose it is just a couple of little terrorist groups
21:13well they can't kill that many people can they?
21:15suppose not
21:16and you want to blow it all in a fit of moral self-indulgence
21:24after all
21:25is the PM thinking about you as the next foreign secretary?
21:32do you know that?
21:34good lord
21:37still if you want to martyr yourself then go ahead and press for an inquiry
21:41feel free to jeopardize everything we've all fought for and worked for together all these years
21:45no no no of course
21:46well obviously I mean it's appalling if Italian terrorists are getting hold of British weapons
21:50but as you said there is such a thing as loyalty
21:53you know the common purpose
21:55I suppose one must see these things in a proper perspective
21:59of course with the Ministry of Defence or the Board of Trade
22:02oh absolutely
22:03Minister of Defence problem
22:04Board of Trade problem
22:06Foreign Office problem
22:07see that now?
22:08no we can hold it over for the time being can we?
22:11don't want to upset and embarrass the PM do we?
22:13absolutely not
22:15definitely not
22:16no
22:19sorry I mentioned it
22:23good man
22:25so I thought on balance it was probably best to leave it at that
22:29let sleeping dogs lie
22:32in the wider interest
22:34as a loyal member of the government
22:36nothing to be gained
22:39just opening a can of worms
22:41but the Major said they were terrorists
22:44yes well
22:45we bombed Dresden
22:47we're all terrorists really aren't we?
22:48no
22:50well I mean
22:51metaphorically
22:53you should meet the Chief Whip he certainly is
22:56but someone in Britain is giving bombs to murderers
22:59selling not giving
23:00oh that makes it okay
23:01no be serious Annie
23:03an investigation might uncover all sorts of goings on
23:06oh I see
23:07it's alright to investigate if you might catch one criminal
23:09but not if you might catch lots of them
23:11well if they're your cabinet colleagues
23:13yes you're right
23:15you see government is a very complex business Annie
23:18there's so many conflicting considerations
23:20like whether you do the right thing or the wrong thing
23:22exactly
23:23no no not
23:25well
23:26what do you suggest I should do?
23:27take a moral stand
23:29how?
23:30threaten resignation
23:31they'd accept it
23:33then where would I be?
23:35I mean if they accept my resignation
23:36and I'm gone
23:37I'm not in a position to do any good anymore am I?
23:39oh you're not doing good now
23:41look resignation may be a sock to my conscience and to yours
23:43but it won't stop Italian terrorists getting British bombs
23:46well it might if you threaten to tell what you know
23:48well what do I know?
23:50I don't know any hard facts
23:52when they know it's going on
23:53because nobody's denied it
23:54but that's not proof
23:56don't you see?
23:57I'm in a real fix
23:58I don't think you realise just how real a fix you're in
24:01this letter arrived today
24:04from Major Saunders
24:10dear Mr Hacker
24:11thank you for seeing me on Monday last
24:13such a relief to have told you about this ghastly business
24:15of the supply of British weapons to the Italian terrorists
24:19I know you will act upon this information as you promised
24:21and I look forward to seeing some action taken
24:26you see?
24:28now what will you do?
24:29Major Saunders tells the world that he told you about this scandal
24:31and you did nothing
24:33it's a photocopy
24:34he's got the original
24:36and it was recorded delivery so you can't say you didn't get it
24:39I'm trapped
24:42completely trapped
24:44I can't tell the PM
24:45I can't not tell the PM
24:46I see
24:47I was just wondering minister
24:48if we might not use the Rhodesia solution
24:51Bernard you excel yourself
24:55of course minister the Rhodesia solution
24:57what are you talking about?
24:58oil sanctions
24:59remember
25:00a member of the government was told about the way British companies were sanction busting
25:03what did he do?
25:04he told the prime minister
25:05what did he do?
25:06he told the prime minister in such a way that the prime minister didn't hear him
25:09oh
25:10what do you mean I should
25:12mumble it or something in the division of it?
25:15you write a note
25:16a very faint pencil
25:18please
25:19be practical
25:20no minister it's awfully obvious
25:21you write a note which is susceptible of misinterpretation
25:24oh I see
25:25dear prime minister it has come to my attention
25:27that the Italian red terrorists are getting hold of British top secret bomb making equipment
25:32how do you misinterpret that?
25:33you can't
25:34well exactly
25:35so you don't write that
25:36you use a more circumspect style and you avoid any mention of bombs or terrorists or any of that sort of thing
25:41wouldn't that be rather difficult?
25:42is that what it's all about?
25:43you say
25:44Bernard write this down
25:45my attention
25:46has been drawn on a personal basis to information
25:48which suggests the possibility of certain irregularities under section
25:52section 1 of the import export and customs powers defence act 1939 c
25:56thank you Bernard
25:57you then go on to suggest that somebody else should do something about it
26:01prima facie evidence suggests that there could be a case for further investigation
26:05to establish whether or not inquiries should be put in hand
26:08and then you smudge it all over
26:10nevertheless
26:12it should be stressed that available information is limited
26:15and relevant facts could be difficult to establish with any degree of certainty
26:19I see
26:20then if there were an inquiry you'd be in the clear
26:22and everybody would understand that the busy PM might not have grasped the full implications of such a letter
26:27certainly would
26:28that's most unclear
26:29thank you Minister
26:30then you arrange for the letter to arrive at number 10 on the day the PM leaves for an overseas summit
26:37so there is also doubt about whether it was the PM or the acting PM who read the note
26:41and so the whole thing is written off as a breakdown in communications
26:44everybody's in the clear and everybody can get on with their business
26:46including the red terrorists
26:47exactly
26:48I'll tell you about government
26:54you must always try to do the right thing
26:57but you must never let anybody catch you trying to do it
27:01because doing right's wrong
27:03right?
27:04you had enough darling
27:06still as I'm left in the bottle
27:08no, the thing about government is principle
27:13and the principle is
27:15you mustn't rock the boat
27:17because if you do
27:19all the little consciences will fall out
27:22and you must all hang together
27:25because if you don't hang together
27:27you'll all be hanged separately
27:29and hanged if I'll be hanged
27:32no, politics is about helping others
27:39even if that means helping terrorists
27:43terrorists are others, aren't they?
27:46not us, are they?
27:48no
27:50you must always follow your conscience
27:53but you must know where you're going
27:56you say you can't follow your conscience
27:59because it may not be going the same way that you are
28:04empty
28:05like me
28:08I'm a moral vacuum
28:10oh, cheer up darling
28:11nothing good ever comes out of Whitehall
28:13you did what you could
28:15you don't really mean that?
28:17I do
28:18no, I'm just like Humphrey and all the rest of them
28:20no, that's certainly not true
28:22not?
28:23he's lost his sense of right and wrong
28:25you've still got yours
28:26am I?
28:27it's just that you don't use it much
28:31you're a sort of whiskey priest
28:33you do at least know when you've done the wrong thing
28:36whiskey priest?
28:37that's right
28:39good
28:42let's open another bottle
28:44we haven't got one
28:46that's what you think
28:51you said nothing good ever came out of Whitehall
28:54you want one?
28:57yes, minister
29:24yeah, let's do it
29:25thank you
29:26thank you
29:28my mom
29:29I don't think anybody
29:40was really honest
29:41there's a business
29:42where you can talk about
29:43gun crews
29:44that got vasrow
29:46as if she keeps coming out of
29:49all these times
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