How Are You It's Alan (Partridge) Season 1 Episode 3

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Transcript

00:00To the magic of technology, I'm able to broadcast bright morning vibes and government-sanctioned messages

00:05from a completely different time zone in a Norwich business park.

00:08The time here in Jeddah is 8 a.m. Good morning, God is great.

00:13Formerly known as Sand FM, this is Golf Digital.

00:16I'm Alan Partridge, doing The Breakfast Show, covering for Kenny Badenoch, who can't be with us,

00:20after he fell off a quad bike doing a wheelie in front of some women.

00:24Two words, Ken. Throttle control.

00:26But now, time for tea, sponsored by Al-Fahidi Arabian Tea House on Bar Al Arab Street.

00:35And tea of the week is lemon verbena tea, which, I have to say, is smelling wonderfully fragrant.

00:45Mmm. And... Mmm. Doesn't taste half bad, either.

00:52This is Abba, and I am a tiger.

00:54Allah...

00:56Wrong button. This is Abba, and I am a tiger.

01:02Spending five hours alone in this radio studio drinking another man's bovril makes me wonder,

01:07do we need other people?

01:09It's the question I'll be asking as I probe the mental health of the nation

01:13in association with Flench & Son tanning centres.

01:16Welcome to How Are You?

01:20It's Alan Partridge.

01:23How are you?

01:27Is there any feeling in life like the feeling of being clean?

01:34The pleasure of a correctly scrubbed body.

01:40Every crevice, every hole, bubble bath clean.

01:47In 2024, I fronted an educational video for Help the Aged, teaching elderly people how to wash properly.

01:53In the end, the campaign, Wash with Alan, never aired due to creative differences.

01:59But it's a useful reminder of how comfortable we are talking about our physical hygiene.

02:04But our mental hygiene?

02:06Not so much.

02:07Which is why I'm on a journey to better understand the mental hygiene or health of the nation.

02:14For whilst it's considered polite to bathe alone, unless you've got a new girlfriend,

02:19is it healthy to be alone?

02:21Or do we gain our mental strength from others?

02:25It's something I'm pondering in Norwich on what I think of as a cross between a think and a walk.

02:31A filk.

02:32Or a...

02:33No, just a filk.

02:34You join me on one of my Norfolk walks, where it's me, alone, with my thoughts and a 360-degree camera to capture it all.

02:46You do get some strange looks from Norfolk-onians, or Norwich-idians.

02:53They fear new things, be it air fryers, women bishops, or gay dads.

02:59And I must admit, the last one took me a while, but I was soon fully on board, once the requisite checks were in place.

03:07It, er...

03:08It is marvellous out here, just, er, just the bees, the trees, shrubs and the grubs, the flowers, the occasional showers.

03:17Yes, yes, the sky and I, it's quite easy poetry, actually.

03:22You don't need a degree, you just write what you see.

03:25Listen to me, that's poetry.

03:27Would you like a cup of...

03:30No, it's just full.

03:32I do love nature, but push comes to shove, I like humans, I like human company.

03:39I'm happy to hug a tree once a year, but, er, you can't take a tree for dinner with you.

03:45You get some strange looks from diners if you, if you did.

03:48I must tell my friend, the, er, well-known Norfolk sunbed tycoon, Daryl Flench, that one.

03:54He may, he had a very funny comment.

03:56He said, er, he said, the thing about these tree huggers, he said, is if they take it any further, they're liable to get splinters.

04:03Yes.

04:05Very funny guy.

04:06I mean, he's got his demons.

04:08He's medically addicted to being suntanned, but, er, he's all right.

04:12Talk of the devil, there's, er, Daryl Flench's Range Rover parked next to Katrina's.

04:18Hey, Daryl!

04:21Are you doing it, er, for the Trina's?

04:25He probably thought, he saw my, he'll see my car and thought I was in, saw that I wasn't, gone across the road.

04:33See what she's up to.

04:35Yeah.

04:38So which side of the line are you on?

04:40Like I say, I'm very much a people person, one who fits effortlessly into different social tribes.

04:47Far from being misogynistic, the lyric, fat bottomed girls, you make the rocking world go round,

04:52is a statement of medical fact.

04:54I'm at ease hanging out with my racket club pals in person, or on a WhatsApp group called the badminton bad boys.

05:00Women have more prominent hindquarters, due to higher estrogen levels, which deposit fat around the

05:06buttocks and thighs, which attracts a mate, which leads to the propagation of the human race.

05:11So, figuratively speaking, fat bottomed girls do in fact make the rocking world go round.

05:17I applaud him. Here's to you, Brian.

05:19Actually, we're still alive, isn't it? To Brian, mate. To Dr. Brian.

05:21To Dr. Brian, mate. Cheers.

05:23We'll talk about everything from tax to cars, with the chat only drying up when Eddie mentions his divorce again.

05:29I'm also a social animal when it comes to my partner's girlfriends,

05:38where I have the thrill of fitting into an exciting new friendship group.

05:41You wonder what she sees in him.

05:43Just pop that there.

05:44Maybe he's got a big cock.

05:48Just let that steep for a minute.

05:49They're a fantastic bunch, and when the five of us get together, things can get pretty raucous.

05:56There's a real joie de vivre, and it's great to just tag along.

06:02Yep, like it or not, humans are social animals.

06:06And where once we herded together around campfires or churches,

06:09today we gather around a different watering hole, the coffee shop.

06:14In the atomized world of isolated living, the coffee shop is one of the last bastions

06:19of human interaction. And not even a grumpy mum's netter, who leaves the door open because

06:24she's got a pram, and that means that she can't close doors, can spoil the cool vibes.

06:29Um, I'd like to order an Americano, please.

06:31Whenever you're ready.

06:32Okay. Uh, can I have an Americano, please?

06:36You order it on the touch screen.

06:37Yeah. But you're here?

06:39I know, but you do it on the touch screen.

06:41Okay, why?

06:42Uh, that's why you do it.

06:44Right, and what happens then?

06:46Uh, the order goes to the barista.

06:49Who's that?

06:51So, can you make the coffee?

06:53Uh, nothing's come through.

06:55Okay, uh, start new order. Take away, hot drinks, Americano, medium, place order.

07:05Here we go. It says placing order.

07:09So, can you make it?

07:10Uh, does it say placed or placing?

07:12Placing.

07:15Yeah, nothing's come through.

07:16Okay, well, can you not start making it?

07:19I don't know what you want.

07:20I want, uh, an Americano medium to go.

07:22Yes, come through.

07:23Right, great. Thank you.

07:26Does it strike you as insane that, uh, you're there and I'm here,

07:29and we have to go through a robot middleman to order a coffee?

07:34Instead of me using my mouth to communicate the information to your ears,

07:38which is how human beings have done it for, uh, 10,000 years? Gotta be. Gotta be 10,000 years.

07:44It wouldn't have been a coffee then. It would have been, uh, you know, woolly mammoth milk,

07:48something like that. What did you say?

07:49It was ironic that the very technology designed to bypass human interaction

07:54actually sparked a lively conversation. We talked about the internet, AI,

07:59even how robots were once used to sell instant potato, before leaving empty-handed.

08:05Unfortunately, Gen Z's seem incapable of saying,

08:08Hey, mate, you've forgotten your coffee.

08:11But the visit to the cafe troubled me. It seems technology is severing the ties

08:15that once bound us, and isolation is on the rise. Though this is stock footage,

08:20and that lady is not me. But as I munch gum in a friend's vineyard,

08:25I wonder, are we sleepwalking into isolation, as one might sleepwalk nude into a kitchen?

08:30Or are some of us seeking it out? It's something I first touched on in a report

08:34for the BBC's This Time programme in 2021.

08:38Hell is other people. So spoke French philosopher Jean-Michel Jarre.

08:43A story on the UK's housing shortage, during which I visited the home of co-renters,

08:48I mistakenly referred to as rent boys and rent girls, for which I later apologised.

08:54Meet Gina as she quietly says hello. A trainee physiotherapist living like so many,

09:00with the nightmare of forced proximity. And how many people live here right now?

09:05There's three of us. But there's only two bedrooms?

09:08They turned one of the rooms downstairs into another bedroom.

09:11Which would have been the dining room? Yeah.

09:13So if you want to have a dinner party, ain't happening.

09:16Yeah, we didn't really do that.

09:17I've been asked to shine a light on what it's like for a young generation forced to share space with

09:22others. You have never known the joy, the pleasure, of hosting a dinner party for,

09:29let's say, the head of a local car dealership network and his charming wife,

09:32a leading Rotarian and his charming daughter, and a couple of charming divorcee friends.

09:37Though as the conversation went on, I realised I knew nothing about the young generation.

09:41Do you mind me asking how many bathrooms you have?

09:43One.

09:43One each?

09:45No, one between us.

09:46How does that work?

09:47Well, when you're out, you kind of just shout down the stairs, bathroom's free.

09:49Right, so you literally have to shout.

09:53Yeah.

09:53So you're standing right where you are now.

09:55Yeah.

09:56And you shout...

09:57Bathroom's free.

09:58Bathroom's free!

10:00Exactly, yeah.

10:00You know, your bathroom might not be free, but your spirit...

10:04Well, it is.

10:06It's been a pleasure meeting you.

10:08I'll see myself out.

10:13It is below asking Christ, but I'll get it to the vendor.

10:17Yeah.

10:17Can I just put you on hold for a second? The other bit is just trying me.

10:21Yeah, one sec.

10:24Today, visiting Gina again, I find things have changed beyond all recognition.

10:28She no longer works as a physiotherapist, instead working for a thriving nationwide estate agency.

10:35Honestly, to hear the way you handled those two customers earlier was a privilege.

10:39And when I saw you play one buyer off against another, I started to well up.

10:43And then when you had an audible conversation with the vendor on the other line, and I suddenly realized there was no vendor,

10:48you'd invented him, and the whole thing was an elaborate deception, I thought, my goodness,

10:52her confidence has blossomed.

10:54It had been great to see Gina again, and witness how living alone had made her a happier, more effective person.

11:00I saw a rabbit like earlier, and then two fangs which I've had flattened.

11:06So isolation at home is no bad thing, but what about in the workplace?

11:11Some people embrace solitude, lollipop men, male librarians, and male dinner ladies or dinnermen.

11:19But if I were to say to you, no, crane drivers, you'd probably think, that's an interesting one,

11:25Alan, and one I hadn't thought of.

11:28Mention hermits and people think of bearded cave dwellers, but today's hermits are found 200 feet in

11:33the air. I'm talking about the men and women, there's one on a building site in Leeds, who operate cranes.

11:40I'm here at ground zero. Don't worry, I don't mean the New York tourist attraction.

11:46I mean, I'm simply standing on the ground. And I'm here to talk to crane driver Paul Jones,

11:51but I don't want to shout. Solution, the first ever British television interview conducted

11:56by Walkie Talkie conducted. Ground control to Major Tom. Can you hear me, Major Tom? Over.

12:02My name's Paul.

12:04Right, yeah. Can you see me? I'm wearing red, Paul. Over.

12:07A red pull-over? No, I'm not wearing a red pull-over, Paul. I'm wearing red,

12:12Paul. Although I am wearing a red pull-over, Paul. Over.

12:15Pull-over, pull-over. So you're wearing two pull-over.

12:17No, just wearing one pull-over, Paul. Over.

12:20So I'm going to stop saying over, Paul. Over. That was the last one.

12:23I enjoyed Paul's accent, one of those slower Liverpudlian accents a non-Liverpudlian can follow.

12:29It's a fact many people find the Liverpool accent indecipherable, which is why they cancelled Brookside.

12:35We all have different ways of coping with solitude. In the film Cast Away, Tom Hanks started going out

12:41with a football. When I'm stuck on my own, I hum hymns, or if I've got a wet mouth,

12:45I do free-form whistling. What do you do?

12:48I read. I observe. I embrace solitude.

12:53What about friends? Do you get on with the other crane drivers?

12:55No. Do you have a partner?

12:57I'm a hermit who lives in a box, pissing into plastic bottles all day.

13:01It's not a life people can get their head around.

13:03Yeah, I wouldn't open with it on my Tinder profile. It sounds quite lonely, Paul.

13:09Does a shepherd get lonely as he watches his flock?

13:12I don't know. I think they just go on their phones.

13:16Like Zeus looking down from Mount Olympus. I look down from on high and see people like ants

13:22on the hind legs with four spare arms.

13:24You do get regular evaluations. As the conversation went on, I began to question

13:29whether the man was even in a crane. All I had was his word. And remember,

13:33he was still essentially a builder. The same way God created the world.

13:39Yeah, but that's not being God-like, is it? That's just being high up. I mean,

13:42people who fly helicopters are high up, but Noel Evans wouldn't say he was God.

13:47That's a really bad example. With no evidence to support his claim, it was with regret I decided to

13:53terminate the interview at 10.56am. How are you?

14:02So people matter, and having the right people around you puts you firmly in the mental health

14:07driving seat, even if some relationships call for more delicate handling.

14:11Oh, I've got a man coming to towel the bathroom this afternoon, so he'll need the keys and the money.

14:18Right, well, there are the keys.

14:22You're going to be in, you're going to be out all day.

14:25Yeah, I told you, I've got to go to London, see my solicitor about that tenant.

14:29Oh, the troublesome one. Oh, yes.

14:35She reckons it was damp. Yeah, well, there wasn't when she moved in.

14:39She probably put it there. Of course, an employer-employee

14:42dynamic is different to a lover-lovee dynamic, and the tension between them has to be navigated

14:48with care. Well, remember to ask for that money, only I'm not certain she paid you back last time.

14:52Well, perhaps I should keep a tally. Lynn, our relationship is more than just

14:57penny-pinching and bean-counting. It's a two-way flow of goods and services, like the Irish border.

15:04I just hate to think of you becoming a bit of a Dennis Thatcher.

15:07He got to meet a lot of very important wives. Give her another chance, Lynn. I know you probably

15:12think she's just a sexy witch, but she goes to the gym three times a week, and I love her unconditionally.

15:19So should I keep a tally? Yes, keep a tally.

15:23Don't crease it.

15:26But away from the personal realm, psychologists believe interaction with people in our professional

15:31lives has mental health benefits, too. I've headed to a train station with one of the fattest yellow

15:37lines on the network to find out more. As Norfolk's former car laureate, tasked with promoting car use

15:43and ownership across the county, I was contractually precluded from using public transport wherever

15:49possible. But today, I adore train travel. Relaxing with my shoes off as we wend our way past the

15:55golf courses that make up our precious green belt. For me, train travel is the best way to see Britain,

16:01but I'm not talking about what you see out of the window. I'm talking about what you find inside

16:05the train. The people. Cup of coffee and a Kit-Kat, please. So I've come to experience for myself whether

16:12being one of these people can improve the way we feel. And to test it out, there can be no better

16:18job than this. Tempt anyone? Hot and cold snacks? A train attendant. Keep your elbows in, please.

16:24Theirs is a life of constant interactions. Just tuck your feet in there, love. Each one stimulating the

16:29release of feel-good brain drug dopamine. Like going backwards. And as I leaned into the role. Teas and

16:36coffees. I found myself able to cope with situations that would normally be stressful. There we go.

16:41Ow! Ow! I do apologise. It's my first day. Can I get you some ice? We've got no ice. What can I get

16:47you to hold against it? I can give you a can of Sprite. Oh, okay, thanks. 150. Oh, Jesus.

16:58Cold? I know, there's no ice. I don't even want a Sprite. Well, where'd you buy one then, silly man?

17:04And when my social battery began to dim around Stowe Market, my respect for Britain's trolley

17:09attendance only deepened. Nothing a bit less rich. Just what's on the menu.

17:15Is the risotto any good? It's train risotto. If you, uh, if you want a candlelit dinner, I suggest

17:23you catch the Orient Express, but I don't think it stops at Ipswich. Just another one of its luxury

17:27features. Is it any good? Well, if you lower your expectations to a savoury rice pudding with two

17:35mushrooms in it, uh, I won't say you won't be disappointed, but you won't be as disappointed.

17:41Great. Okay. My colleagues, uh, just get it out of the microwave. Enjoy your meal. What? Eat your meal.

17:49Just not really appropriate. I like to make a little joke. Most of them get it.

17:54It had been a fascinating morning serving snacks and hot drinks in which only a single passenger

17:58had been scolded. For the afternoon, though, I was keen to try a roll with the Dashmore Authority.

18:04Tickets and passers, please. Tickets and passers, please. Tickets and passers, please. Tickets and passers, please.

18:10Tickets and passers, please. Hello? Yeah, these are economy. They're not valid in first class, I'm afraid.

18:16There's no room in economy, sir. No, there are two seats in the next carriage and two seats in the very last carriage.

18:21They're not together. They're not together, no. So if you just want to get your things.

18:26Looking back now, I realised that while initially enjoyable, the authority I'd been granted was

18:32intoxicating. And while I think it's important the aisles were kept clear, the power was turning me into

18:41an Alan I didn't like. Alan Sugar. It was time to go home. How are you?

18:53When it comes to mental health, some say there's no better antidepressant than the one you can pat

18:58on the head. Dogs have been providing us with companionship and a welcome mood boost for millennia.

19:04And while my friends in Saudi consider them to be unclean, I disagree. Though mean no disrespect

19:10whatsoever to the kingdom or to his excellency. I am off to the local dog and cat rescue centre to

19:19see if any of the inhabitants can win my affection, which will be a tall order. The last time I used

19:25the term good boy was for my late great quadruped. Seldom the most wonderful dangerous dog in the world,

19:34pictured here alongside a man who walked him when I didn't want to. When a small dog dies,

19:40you move on. Get a new one. You never get over the death of a big dog. So, um...

19:49Ah, that's interesting. That's Daryl Flenscher's Range Rover.

19:55Yeah. In a hotel car park next to, er, Katrina. Katrina's white one. If I, er, if I park, er, the blue one next to it,

20:06it looks like the French tricolour, which really, er, it does not make Katrina happy because, er, not that she

20:12hates the French, she just, er, doesn't like Europe. So, um...

20:18I thought she was in London today. Oh, yeah, all right. She's a sly fox.

20:26Norwich Cats and Dogs Home says it provides a safe and welcoming environment,

20:30but then so did the home we put my mother-in-law in, and the staff there stole some of her jewellery.

20:35But it's the dogs I'm here to browse.

20:38So, what happened to your dog? Er, he perished at a fun fair. Er, he'd been seen,

20:44um, behind a burger van drinking beef fat, and I think his ticker just said nope.

20:49Well, I mean, we're always looking for volunteers. Well, I mean, I love dogs.

20:53Yeah? Yeah, so, yeah, so, um, well, what would it involve?

20:55Er, so, we do greeting checks at 7am, then we clean the kennels and the common spaces, 10 to 12.

21:0310 to 12. Then midday feed, adoption visits all afternoon. Got it.

21:07Then evening, exercise, feed, final check. Yep, yep, yep.

21:11Then at seven, we do an evening clean, and then we're out by 10pm usually.

21:15Great. Well, if I hear of anyone, I'll let you know.

21:18Yeah, okay.

21:25Oh, gosh, it's like, er, it's like banged up abroad, the doggy edition, isn't it?

21:29Yeah, and all behind bars for, er, smuggling drugs.

21:33You wouldn't, er, you wouldn't hide drugs up your bum, would you?

21:36Unless they were worming tablets. Have they been wormed?

21:38Yeah.

21:40Oh, that's like Silence of the Lambs.

21:44We'd have no trouble, er, eating my liver, would you?

21:47Or wash down with a nice bowl of water.

21:51And they can see us as well?

21:52Yeah.

21:53Yeah.

21:54Hello, hello, hello.

22:00Hello.

22:03Can he go on the bed if he's been a good boy?

22:06It was sad to see these animals in here.

22:08If I had my way, it's not dogs we'd lock up like this, it's people.

22:13Hello, can I meet this dog?

22:15Er, yeah.

22:16Great.

22:17Curly-haired brown dog.

22:18Come on, come on.

22:20Hello, hello.

22:22Oh, he jumped into my arms, what a smasher.

22:26Yeah, he has a little smasher on, yeah.

22:28So, he's a great one.

22:30I'm going to call him Doogie.

22:32Oh, it's actually Sebastian.

22:33Oh, how much for Doogie?

22:35Oh, no, he's going to another family.

22:37I'll double it.

22:38No, it's not about the money.

22:40They've filled in the forms.

22:41The kids are really excited to see him.

22:42Four times.

22:45Right, okay, just put the cameras down.

22:48Off camera, Lara was kind enough to put me in touch with the dog's new family

22:52in order to ask if I could visit the dog once a month and stroke it.

22:57While clearly not a natural redhead, Lara's attitude was professional, friendly and caring,

23:02which is why I'm naming her as an Alan Partridge Community Champion.

23:09So, what have I learnt?

23:10That good mental health isn't about surrounding yourself with a crowd or dogs.

23:15It's about curating an effective network of key individuals.

23:19So, returning home, I was pleased to find that on my suggestion, which was mandatory,

23:24my assistants had made a bit more of an effort with my partner, and they were sharing a bottle of my wine.

23:30Yeah, I've never noticed how bandy his legs are before.

23:33He couldn't trap a pig in a ginnel.

23:34A what?

23:35A ginnel, it's the narrow passageway that he used to have between those old terraced houses

23:40that didn't have an inside toilet. Lynn lived in one, so she was 25.

23:43He's very touchy about his legs.

23:44But I always think gentle teasing brings people together.

23:47Being able to laugh at yourself is key to good mental health.

23:50You do.

23:51So am I.

23:52Mind you, I give as good as I get.

23:54And moments later, I was teasing Katrina no end with funny questions about where she'd been.

23:58Have dinner with him.

23:59Okay, I'll give him a call, here.

24:02Did I see your Range Rover parked outside a hotel in Norwich earlier?

24:05No.

24:06Oh, okay. Sorry, I thought I did.

24:08Well, you couldn't have, because I was in London, weren't I, you daftsad?

24:10All right, cool, cool, cool.

24:11See you, sexy.

24:12Well, not if I see you first.

24:16The people in my life make me feel great, but there was one final thing I was curious about.

24:22If man did want to be on his own, could technology help?

24:27Throughout history, technology has risen to meet the challenge.

24:31When we needed to hunt, spears.

24:33When we needed transport, the wheel.

24:35When we needed to tame nature, man soon invented the strimmer.

24:40But now we're in need of companionship.

24:42Can technology step up?

24:43It's a subject that has fascinated me for weeks.

24:46Using AI technology and advanced robotics, I believe that a cyborg unit will soon become

24:52the norm in every British household.

24:55I'd like you to meet Susan.

24:57Hello, Susan.

24:59Hello, Alan.

25:00Can I help you with anything?

25:01Not right now, thank you.

25:03Able to respond instantly to my commands.

25:05She can provide service around the household in a safe and reliable way.

25:09Let's go inside.

25:12A fascinating vision of what the future might hold.

25:16A live-in physical appliance equipped with state-of-the-art AI.

25:20It's expected that early iterations will be able to perform a variety of household tasks.

25:25I think I'll have the chicken Caesar salad, but I don't want any anchovy in it.

25:28So I don't like any fish smaller than a fish finger.

25:30If that's what you like.

25:34The great thing is, Susan will learn that.

25:36It will be logged and filed.

25:38No more conversations like, what did I say about not liking anchovy?

25:41Or responses like, I'm sorry, but I've had a lot on my mind recently.

25:45The slight chippiness in her tone is a sort of design glitch

25:47that can be ironed out at the next software update.

25:50Time for your vitamins and stuff.

25:53Thank you, Susan.

25:54Okay, seven across a savoury pear.

26:01Avocado.

26:01Yeah, I'm going to say that.

26:03And companionship?

26:05Well, she'd be no slouch there either.

26:07With a full charge, she'd be able to simulate good company day or night.

26:10Okay, two down, seven letters.

26:13A north-westerly wind, which blows across southern France into the Mediterranean.

26:18You're strong.

26:19You're answering two.

26:19Quickly, let me get some of them.

26:22Of course, eventually, each unit would recalibrate to reflect the user's preferences.

26:27But just think about that for a second.

26:28An assistant incapable of irritating you.

26:33And they can also be programmed to have the kind of conversations you actually want to have.

26:37The level of incompetence is absolutely staggering.

26:40I know.

26:40They don't know that arse from their elbow.

26:42Yeah, which begs the question, what are we actually paying our council tax for?

26:45Bloody diversity training, that's what.

26:49This is a prototype.

26:50The voice modulation isn't quite there yet.

26:52But you're absolutely right.

26:56So, dystopian nightmare or idyllic partnership between man and machine.

27:01Only time will tell.

27:03For now, though, I think I prefer the company of humans.

27:06But, Zuzan, do join us.

27:15You all right?

27:17Yes.

27:17Are you all right?

27:18Yeah.

27:20I like you.

27:36I'm sorry, buddy.

27:53Yeah.

27:53No, no.

27:57Yeah.

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