How Are You It's Alan (Partridge) Season 1 Episode 6

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Transcript

00:00...craft. The wreckage was found strewn across this farmer's field here in the Austrian region of

00:05Verde Katte. Evidence still abounds everywhere. This bolt, the smells of aviation fuel, was

00:12clearly used to secure the wing. I'll try and sell it later. But what caused the crash? In the

00:17following days, speculation mounted over what went wrong. Some think the co-pilot Grant Elliott

00:22misread altitude data, initiating a climb that caused catastrophic loss of thrust. Others that

00:28a fuel transfer valve malfunctioned, leaving the plane with catastrophic fatigue, cracked ice

00:33buildup on the wings due to a de-icing equipment, mal-flogged with a keto tube and incorrect

00:37speed reading amid collision with a small jet. Why was a woman flying a plane?

00:43Whatever happened on that fateful day, 250 package holidaymakers never reached Athens.

00:51In fact, this fatal accident never happened. I made one up so I didn't get into trouble with a real

00:56airline. There is no Dan on air. That's the name of a yogurt drink. Grant Elliott is the name of my

01:01physio. And even the Austrian region of Ferdikot translates as horseshit. This is actually Swatham,

01:08but it's the kind of all too plausible timeline that can reveal a very real truth. Just as an

01:14aircraft black box can learn as the fatal flaws that made a plane crash, perhaps it's time for me to

01:19look inside my own black box. This is just a painted cigarette case to reveal the flaws that made me

01:28malfunction. Time then to examine the black box that is my mind. Welcome to How Are You?

01:37It's Alan Partridge. How are you? I'm Alan Partridge. Six months ago, I passed out in a woman's lap at a

01:47product launch for Banroyd Pig and Cow Feed. Like many experts, I suspected it was the result of a

01:52mental health concern, giving me sufficient grounds to embark on a journey into my own mental state and

01:58the mind of the nation. I forgot what it looks like. Along the way, I've helped dozens of people better

02:03understand their mental health and turn their lives around. I would love to live here. I really would.

02:09But I'm yet to solve the conundrum in my own mind. Recovered! What's at the root of my mental

02:14malaise? With time running out, will I ever find the answers I need?

02:25Substation.

02:25In 2022, as part of BBC Four's History of Electricity season, I pitched a programme about

02:36electrical substations. And although it wasn't picked up for series, I've never lost my fascination

02:42with these most mysterious of buildings. I find myself drawn to them, just as I am,

02:49or at least have been in this series, to the human mind. The British Electricity substation.

02:56Familiar sights in these residential areas. These humming hives of activity.

03:03Seems strangely unknowable. Unlike the human mind. We know where they are, we can hear them whirring,

03:12but can we ever truly know what goes on behind those walls or on that roof?

03:18Well, when it comes to our mental health, I believe we can. Because while we will never

03:22know what is contained in or on a substation, I intend to get answers about my own mind.

03:32Will it be easy? No way. Where I come from, it's easy to lose yourself in the carousel of

03:37plush business lunches, private rackets clubs, back slaps, big laughs, two-handed handshakes.

03:43Here, mental health is as far down the agenda as your cleanest surname. Mental health isn't what

03:49people like I do, and yet do it I am doing. Were there traumas in my past that had led to my mental

03:55health issues? It was time to find out. And so I set to work. With the help of a mindfulness CD that

04:02came free with the Daily Express, I began to take a look back at my life. Running through past experiences,

04:08scurrying down buried memory lane, pounding the pavements of remembering road. And there,

04:14amid memories of scout camp and my dead mum's landline number, lay an incident that doesn't

04:19bother me, but has never truly been put to bed. Stop it. One that marks the end of a special

04:25relationship. From 2019 to 2021, I was lead co-host of the BBC's early evening magazine show,

04:32this time, a role in which I thrived. And welcome to the show that covers the full spectrum of human

04:38life. From aqua aerobics to abortion, from zebras to Zionism. The show that promises to be all things,

04:44to all men, and all women, and everything in between. But behind the scenes, concerns were

04:49mounting over the BBC's editorial slant, which combined Oxford's clever cloggery with a constant

04:54dumbing down. When you're around them such a long time, it is hard not to get attached.

04:58Aw. Aw. Aw. I think I'm a bit in love. Aw. Aw. Aw. Aw.

05:04Concerns that came to a head, my head, one fateful summer's evening in 2021.

05:09I am hopping mad, and I want something in the middle. I don't like Julian Fellow. I just don't

05:15like it. Is it snowing where you are? Do you like fireworks? What's your favourite soup? Who gives a

05:20shit? But let me be clear, there was simply no excuse for expressing my views in such a strident way

05:26on a live television broadcast. Okay, I received messages for support from the names you see at the

05:32bottom of your screen. And in an email, broadcaster Kevin MacLeod said, there was a schadenfreude at

05:38seeing a prima donna with a kamikaze chutzpah to parler a faux pas into a coup de theatre. And even

05:44though that contains almost no English words, it's cool to know he was on side. But let me be clear,

05:50again. I lost the run of myself. I went too far. They won't let me back in the BBC.

06:01The BBC can be criticised for many things, from making newsreaders stand to going on and on about

06:07BBC Sounds to Nicholas Whitchell. But removing me from their employment isn't one of them. I supported

06:14that decision. And it's time I told them so. Which is why, years after my departure,

06:20they've agreed to meet me. I'll be returning to BBC Broadcasting House, and it feels right.

06:27The hulking structure that is the BBC. The old building where Charles de Gaulle rallied the

06:33French Resistance to repel the Nazis and, alongside Winston Churchill, helped win the Second World War.

06:39And the new building, where they did a dance marathon for sport relief. For decades, this

06:45magnet-shaped building has attracted talented people, and people who went to university with

06:50the talented people, and the children of the talented people. And while some say the tons of

06:56glass and steel could have been used to make a billion hospital thermometers, or ten Princess Diana

07:01memorials, there's one man who doesn't have an axe to grind. His name? Alan Partridge. Yeah, just

07:10writing my name with my face. Alan Partridge. Verity Howard is the BBC Head of People, and I'm

07:17hoping she'll provide an insight into the way the corporation thinks. The word Verity means truth,

07:23so here's hoping she lives up to her name. Then again, the woman who used to work in compliance was

07:27called Joy. And my God, talk about a bum steer. Yeah, so hugely impressed with what you guys have

07:36been up to recently. I've been watching your outputs to the left, and I've got to say, some good shows.

07:40Thank you, that's always nice to hear. Yeah, Inside the Factory, Casualty, Vigil. Who would have

07:44thought Murder on a Submarine would work? And yet so very nearly did. I thought Waterloo Road Series 13

07:49was a stonking return to form. Doctor Who is on as well, with David Tennant, who I actually think is good.

07:57Thank you. David was actually that poor doctor's again. Yeah, as I say, I don't really watch

08:00children's TV. But it's great to be back. Better brings back some memories. Oh, it does,

08:04yeah. There was a rather disheveled chap who used to sleep in his office. I don't think he was a

08:07workaholic. I think he just, uh, his wife just didn't love him anymore. That's him. You've got to be

08:12very careful about who you mention on television these days. But he's called Alan Douglas, and he lives in

08:17Kensal Rise. And, as I say, his wife doesn't love him anymore.

08:20I just wanted to say up front, I have no beef with the Beeb. I'm not anti-auntie. I'm simply here to

08:29open the windows, clear the air, and just say, friends? Well, I hope we are friends. And if

08:34there's anything I can do to provide more clarity, I am happy to do so. Well, from where I'm sitting,

08:38you are absolutely right to terminate my contract. We declined to renew your contract. I mean, if I were you,

08:44I wouldn't employ that guy. I don't even recognise him, you know. I mean, he had a moment of madness,

08:48you pulled the trigger, bang, dead. He went down. Well, if it's any comfort, it wasn't just one

08:53moment. Generally, an isolated incident would be, first and foremost, a welfare issue. When Nick

08:59Knowles thumped Pudsey. Whereas an ongoing situation invokes different protocols. No need for an

09:04explanation. Sometimes you have to make a decision on a whim. I get it. But obviously, we don't make

09:08these decisions on a whim. It was very much made in the round. And in this case, based on audience

09:13research. And it might not be in-depth research, but it's still research, isn't it? As you can see,

09:18this is an audience appreciation survey, broken down into different segments of our audience,

09:24showing, I'm sorry to say, very low appreciation amongst millennials. Good. And diverse audiences.

09:30Who've never liked me. So I'd have to push back a little and say it's actually quite detailed.

09:35Mm-hmm. You brought a copy with you, which is very thoughtful. And it is, as you say,

09:39quite detailed, as opposed to, I don't know, very detailed. That's interesting. Where does

09:43it lack detail, would you say? I'm not seeing any scores among the,

09:46and it's a demographic I score quite highly with, white dads over 40. What I like to call the WD

09:5240s. Our research also shows that viewers are less likely to tune in and far less likely to stay

09:58with the channel when you're on. So we've got to take that into account. Thanks for painting that. I've

10:02got a few data points of my own I'd like to share. These are the audience attendance figures for the

10:08North Norfolk Digital Summer Roadshow. And as you can see, sharp rise in audience attendance

10:13over the fortnight where I hosted, ignored this day where there's a dip, a cow escaped. He was

10:18captured quite soon, but a boy was trampled. We also sourced testimonials from our internal

10:23stakeholders. And a similar picture emerges. Right. Interesting list of personnel. I'd start

10:27by saying he's an alcoholic, so you can scratch his name off. Oh, well, let's not get into it. Alcoholic,

10:31Toilet Cocaine, Chin Tuck and Love Child. Interesting name for a detective series, isn't it?

10:38Chin Tuck and Love Child, starring Felicity Kendall, Trevor Reeve, Sanjay Basker. I don't know,

10:45you figure it out. Stick it out on Sunday night for idiots to watch. Sorry. These are highly

10:50experienced commissioners and programme makers. Yeah, I also have a list of testimonials from

10:53producers I've worked with, none of whom have love children or substance issues. This one guy did

10:58have a Chin Tuck that went wrong. There's a picture of him. And bigger.

11:06Er, I'm sorry, who's Pete Gabbatas? Oh, Pete Gabbatas. Oh, where to start?

11:09Er, Pete used to run, er, Blue Barn Media in Norfolk. He's the genius behind Foot and Mouth,

11:17Fire in the Farmyard, which won a NAFTA. And of course, who could forget Welcome to

11:21Ryman's. I'll send you his showreel. It's on VHS. Yes, that's fine. Well, thank you for

11:25bringing all that in. And thank you for thanking me. And thank you. Thank you.

11:29And don't make a series called Chin Fuckin' Love Child without my permission. Thank you.

11:32Thank you. Thanks.

11:35I thought long and hard about whether to say this in a documentary, but say it I will.

11:40I did not like that woman and was proud to have come out of the exchange on top,

11:44even though she recognised my laptop as BBC property and I had to give it back.

11:48Driving home, I felt at peace, using the steering wheel as a drum when safe to do so,

11:56and chatting pleasantly with a member of staff. One word, Lynn. Catharsis. Know what it means?

12:02It's a feeling of being cleansed after an emotional release.

12:05Nice try. Not too wide of the mark. It's feeling chipper after putting someone in the place and moving on.

12:12I suppose they already feel chipper because they moved on ages ago.

12:16No, not them, Lynn. Me. I feel chipper. Why would they feel? Why would the BBC feel chipper?

12:24Well, because they've managed to bring in new people so things don't go stale.

12:30Lynn, I know bread goes stale and I'm pretty sure croissants go stale,

12:38but I've never heard of a seasoned broadcaster going stale. But, um, maybe you're right.

12:45You know, maybe employees do go stale. Maybe I should put my own staff under review.

12:50Let's see who else is out there. Fine by me.

12:54Okay, dig out your CV. We'll get you re-interviewed.

12:56How about Friday? 9am. Perfect. Great.

13:01Cathartic it may have been, but looking back at this footage,

13:04I realised I'd over-criticised a woman who deserved less criticism,

13:09and I couldn't back down. The piece I'd been seeking continued to elude me.

13:24It says here that, uh, in 1990,

13:27you worked for Lung Poly as a travel agent. Um, sorry, travel assistant.

13:34I mean, you know all this. So, it's all great. Uh, a few questions.

13:39Uh, can you tell me the exchange rate, uh, from the dollar to the pound, please?

13:44Oh, uh, I don't know. I'd have to call into the Bureau of Exchange.

13:47Will I need a coat when I'm opening the garden centre tomorrow?

13:51You'd have to see how it feels. Can you tell me what day the 26th of January fell on last year?

14:00Oh. Yeah, it, it, it doesn't matter. Um, I have to tell you,

14:05the other two candidates fared very well on this. Other two candidates?

14:09Oh, I've got the names here. Um, yes. Uh, uh, earlier I interviewed, uh, Alexa and Siri.

14:18Well, they're not really personal assistants.

14:20Siri, can you cancel my meeting with John Bessel, please?

14:23Meeting cancelled. Send it. Yes.

14:26Alexa, can you add talcum powder to my shopping list, please?

14:29Talcum powder added to your shopping list.

14:32Thanks, love. You see my problem, don't you?

14:37She does everything you do, and attitude-wise...

14:42Do they fold your underwear?

14:44Well, no, she doesn't have... Do they loosen your shoelaces so they slip on when you next wear them?

14:50Again, she can't... Do they lie to Jeremy Vine and say you're not in when you are?

14:54Do they send birthday cards to your grandchildren? Do they Fabrice your car seat?

14:58Do they inspect the lawn after it's mown and tell the gardener you want it shorter?

15:02Do they look up your nose to see if your nasal hairs have grown thick?

15:05Do they phone ahead to tell restaurants you don't like chatty waiters?

15:08Do they pretend not to hear you tut and sigh and mutter and whine?

15:11I wasn't aware you did those things.

15:14Is that a police car coming here?

15:16Yeah. That's an ambulance.

15:21It's going next door.

15:22Katrina! What's wrong?

15:23It's Daryl.

15:24Oh, thank God.

15:25I think it's a heart attack.

15:26How? Were you having sex with one another?

15:28Was it from having sex with one another?

15:30Daryl Leonard Flench was a visionary.

15:38Starting out with just one tanning salon, Brown Dreams.

15:42He would go on to become the largest operator of tanning salons in the whole of Norfolk.

15:47And look what it's become.

15:49You see a brown person in Norfolk today who wasn't originally brown.

15:54And you know exactly who made them be brown.

15:59These guys.

15:59Flench and Son tanning centres.

16:01Norfolk's premium tanning centres.

16:04The CEO.

16:06This fella.

16:07Daryl Flench.

16:09I don't think I've seen him in such a light shade of brown.

16:14And of course, he used to wear a lot of gold.

16:17This is plastic, of course.

16:19In fact, long after Daryl and the wooden coffin have decomposed,

16:27the gold plastic handles will last for a thousand years.

16:32But what are the real Daryl?

16:36To me, Daryl was a humble young man from Dis.

16:39Whose warmth I know we'll all miss.

16:42A life of great wealth and largely good health.

16:45Such a shame that it ended like it unfortunately has done.

16:49Sorry, I almost slipped into a limit there.

16:52Purely accidental.

16:53It's actually one of the few forms of poetry that Daryl enjoyed.

16:58Daryl had such a passion for life.

17:00He loved beef, red wine, Ted Baker suits and Tinder.

17:06Sure, he had his vices.

17:07It's often said he made his money in the UV light district

17:10and spent it in the red one.

17:12But I know he was trying to cut down.

17:15Was he perfect?

17:17Maybe not.

17:18I should know. He stole my girlfriend.

17:23But I don't mind because he's dead now.

17:27Katrina, worry not for Daryl.

17:31I'd put money on the fact that he's probably up there right now,

17:34cavorting with a lovely brown, topless angel.

17:37And if you ever need a shoulder to cry on Katrina,

17:43just to let you know, I've got two of them.

17:47And they're both waterproof.

17:48He's survived by his ex-wife and his four, possibly 12 children.

18:03God, our brother Daryl, and we commit his body to the...

18:07Ironic that he wanted to be buried,

18:09given that he spends his whole life slowly cremating himself.

18:12Bless him. The Lord makes his face to shine upon him.

18:16And be gracious.

18:17Humans respond to grief in a myriad of different ways.

18:20The way we bereave is as individual as dental records.

18:24For every friend who erects a memorial rockery to a dead wife,

18:27another will lose thousands betting on cockfights in a Norfolk barn.

18:31Other reactions include sulking, hoarding, and buying a motorbike.

18:35So I refuse to judge anyone whose reaction doesn't conform to the norm.

18:40What are you grieving?

18:41Shut the fuck up.

18:43Sorry for your loss. So sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for your loss.

18:47The end, then, to a very sad day, a day of quiet reflection.

18:51My deepest condolences.

18:53I just hope now that Katrina will be given the space that she needs

18:56to mourn her loss, to reach a form of acceptance,

18:59and to move on in a hopeful way.

19:02It's funny.

19:03Daryl's death and burial in the ground kind of puts things in perspective.

19:07Somehow finding the precise cause of my mental woe

19:10doesn't feel that important anymore.

19:13It's called acceptance, and far from being a modern rebranding of the words

19:17giving up, it's actually the final step on the road to mental well-being.

19:21As my fat nana used to say, she'd sit in her armchair knitting mittens.

19:25Stop crying like a softie, pull your finger out and get on with it.

19:30Or as the Zen Chinese proverb puts it, before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.

19:34After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.

19:37I really like the Chinese.

19:39If you asked me to name my top five Chinese things, I would say tai chi,

19:44lifting almost a billion people out of poverty over the last 40 years,

19:47kung fu, prawn toast, and wisdom.

19:49They had this sussed a long time ago.

19:51They were talking about mental well-being, while people in Britain were still making houses out of

19:56shit.

19:58Acceptance has changed me. No longer so easily spun out by a dizzying array of anxieties,

20:04my ship has steadied. I feel as grounded and stable as a very squat man.

20:12So, Philip, what you're saying is, when it comes to these girls, it's very much a case of,

20:17you know, put good stuff in, you get good stuff out.

20:19Exactly. It's all about ensuring the best possible quality from pig to plate.

20:24Always use nutritious feed because, in a sense, what they eat, we eat.

20:29Yeah, yeah. Although, wouldn't want to eat pellets.

20:32Now, that fat pig, she's going to keep a country pub in scratchings for, what, a decade?

20:38Oh, easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

20:40Sometimes you get a pork scratching with the hair in. Doesn't bother me.

20:43I've spent weeks asking, how are you? But how am I? Well, in a sense, I've come home,

20:48because nine months after collapsing on the groin of its chief executive,

20:52I'm pleased to say I'm manning the mic once again for Banroyd animal feed.

20:56Have I gone nowhere or come full circle? It's the second one.

21:01Now, this bacon, bacon A, is from stock bred on low-quality feed, without the added protein.

21:08Okay. Uh...

21:12It's all right to eat bacon in front of a pig. I mean, ethically.

21:16Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please don't eat my mother.

21:20Now, bacon B is from a pig reared on Banroyd feed.

21:25Straight away, you'll notice it's got much, much more flavour,

21:29and it's got that lovely colour along the back there. So, why don't you try it?

21:33I can't do it, Philip. This pink one keeps looking at me out of the corner of her eye.

21:39No one should have to hear someone say,

21:43I don't like the taste of your mum. You know, that's a private matter.

21:47I mean, if it helps, I mean, they'd eat this.

21:49Well, because they don't know what it is.

21:51I'm saying, you can make pork scratchings out of my mother.

21:54Which is why...

21:54And I'd probably eat them, but if you told me what it was,

21:56I'd say, get that stuff away from me. I loved her.

21:59Which is why Banroyd feed is so good for the pigs, because it's got...

22:05Banroyd. Yeah, I know, it's about Banroyd. It's about Banroyd.

22:07Banroyd animal... Yeah, but, well, Banroyd animal feed is fine.

22:10Some people mischievously regard corporate presenting

22:12as the elephant's graveyard for old white men.

22:16I see it for what it really is, a great way to boost income

22:20and foster a mutually beneficial brand association.

22:23For me, that has to be Banroyd animal feed.

22:27Trotters down the best in class, and a great way to bring home the bacon.

22:35Couldn't oink for a second.

22:41What a polo goal. What a polo goal.

22:45Yes, I'm pleased to say I've never been happier with a life,

22:48a home, and a woman I genuinely love.

22:50Well done, Zach, Xander and Zav. Absolutely superb.

22:54A year ago, I'd have said polo was a tedious gaggle

22:57of Britain's most hateful and chinless people.

22:59But Katrina likes it, and now I do too.

23:02Awesome chaka. Awesome chaka.

23:04With players hailing from the home counties, Argentina,

23:07and increasingly the Gulf states, the horse and hammer-based sport

23:11is a great opportunity to meet a real variety of people of wealth.

23:14And I'm still trying to get Spencer to get me to invite to St. Bart's,

23:17but that man, he is all mouth and no trousers.

23:22Love to go to St. Bart's.

23:24Alan thinks it's a hospital.

23:26It's true. I'm unbelievable.

23:27Indeed, a few quiet moments listening to my old radio station

23:31merely reminds me how much happier I am.

23:33This is Carl Branning and Simon Denton.

23:35Branning and Denton, BAD, bringing you BAD radio.

23:40You can say that again. This is North Norfolk Digital.

23:45So, a content man with a content mind.

23:48At the end of a journey that might not have provided all the answers

23:51to our mental health crisis.

23:52I never asked you out.

23:53But it has somehow come together to create a series

23:57that's both informative and accessible,

23:59that would work for either terrestrial channels or streamers.

24:02I was told you threw a brick at a swan.

24:04With a style that feels genuinely fresh and easily returnable

24:07across multiple series.

24:09And here in my hometown, freed from the chains of past trauma,

24:14I'm able to once again enjoy the simple pleasure that is Norwich.

24:18Today, my mental well-being comes from walking,

24:21talking, and that word again, acceptance.

24:24Because sometimes, enlightenment comes when you stop looking for it.

24:28There's a ladder there. Oh my god.

24:39Sometimes, you don't need therapy or a journey of self-discovery.

24:48You just need to get onto a roof full of lost footballs and hoof them off.

24:52To me, every football freed felt like a problem forgotten.

25:09Professional jealousy, distant grandkids,

25:13Gums receding, miss my dog, bullied in bed,

25:17Issa underperforming, horrible mum.

25:21Each one of these bad boys was tossed off, and it felt good.

25:25You're not allowed up there, mate.

25:38You're not allowed up there, mate.

25:40I'm coming down.

25:44You're not allowed up there, mate.

25:53I'm coming down.

25:55I'm coming down.

26:10Bye-bye.

26:14Bye-bye.

26:18Bye-bye.

26:20Bye-bye.

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