How Are You It's Alan (Partridge) Season 1 Episode 1

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Transcript

00:00More wrong.

00:02I'm Alan Portridge, and when I want a proper breakfast,

00:04I head down to one of the six Hungry House pubs

00:06in the North Norfolk region.

00:08For a limited time only, there's 20% off all breakfast items.

00:11So that's steak, egg and chips, $6.99.

00:13Sausage, eggs and chips, $5.99.

00:15Gammon, egg and chips, $4.99.

00:17Gammon and egg, $3.99.

00:19Egg and chips, $2.99.

00:21Here I am lending my voice to Hungry House pubs

00:23in exchange for a hefty fee plus VIP card

00:26entitling the bearer to a free breakfast for him and four friends.

00:29We've got Carling, $4.99.

00:31Carlsberg, $4.99.

00:33Foster's, $4.99.

00:35Strongbow, $4.99.

00:36John Smith's, $4.98.

00:38And special offer just this week, Carlsberg wine and eggs

00:41for an unbeatable $9.99.

00:44Whether you like them scrambled, poached, fried, boiled, broiled,

00:47coddled or runny, get there before 8am

00:49and you can get an extra egg free worth $9.99.

00:52The early bird gets the egg.

00:55Good? Happy? Great.

00:57Although better known as a TV presenter,

01:00I don't actually do that anymore

01:02but find a steady stream of Norfolk-based corporate work

01:05just as fulfilling.

01:06That's one of the most information-laden scripts

01:08I've read in quite some times.

01:10I'll pass the best on to the copywriter.

01:12He's got a great future ahead of him.

01:13Awesome information. Great energy.

01:14So, as you can see, life is good.

01:17Shouldn't it be the early bird gets the worm?

01:19Well, the early bird lays the egg.

01:21Yes, I was thinking that but not our problem.

01:23It's not our problem.

01:24And yet something is bothering me.

01:26Allow me to explain.

01:36Britain is being pursued by an invisible enemy

01:38from which there is no escape.

01:40Like a bad dream, it's as if we're running in slow motion,

01:44even though we can actually run quite fast.

01:47No one is safe from the invisible monster

01:50they call mental health.

01:53Stress is weighing you down.

01:56You're troubled by anxiety.

01:58Always in a mood.

01:59It's unbelievable.

02:01For many of us, mental health is as far down the agenda

02:04as the whole sex change debate.

02:06But Britain is in crisis.

02:08Without swift action, our minds will...

02:20...beg.

02:22Implode.

02:23And yet no one has done anything about it.

02:26Until now.

02:28Which is why, in Britain's first ever documentary

02:31about mental health...

02:32Mental health.

02:33...I'm stopping...

02:34Joe.

02:35...crouching down and asking,

02:37How are you?

02:39It's Alan Partridge.

02:41In association with Flench & Son Tanning Centres,

02:45for a different kind of brown.

02:51So why me and why now?

02:53Promoting mental health might not be cool or trendy,

02:56but I happen to believe in using my platform to help others.

03:00A staunch ally of the persecuted,

03:02I champion women and genuinely believe that black lives matter.

03:07Only declining to take the knee on the advice of my physio

03:10and all of my friends.

03:12Right back behind the barrier.

03:14And I support other minorities, too,

03:15by volunteering at a local fox hunt for Sir Robert Peverell.

03:18It's not a public right-of-way.

03:20It is a permissive walkway.

03:21The only reason you're allowed here

03:22is because Sir Robert has kindly allowed you.

03:24Why is he a mate of yours?

03:25No, I've never met him.

03:27So what are you picking him up for?

03:28The horses and hounds through, please.

03:30Because fox hunters are a minority, too,

03:32whose religion is to stop foxes murdering chickens

03:35by using dogs to murder foxes.

03:37Where's your TV career?

03:38It's that...

03:39Right behind the barriers, please.

03:40That, that, that, that.

03:41And there'll be those who carp and criticize,

03:43saying a man like me has no business discussing mental health.

03:47And then, sure, on the face of it, my life is pretty great.

03:50I've got a large house, a good local name recognition,

03:53and my partner Katrina is one of the fittest women over 40 in Norfolk.

03:57As seen here in this photo shoot for Norfolk Life magazine.

04:01And yet, even I am not immune.

04:04Scratch beneath my surface and the picture changes.

04:08Today, bravely,

04:10I can reveal that I, too, have mental health problems.

04:15Problems that erupted six months ago

04:17in the most public forum imaginable.

04:20For four years, it's been my honor

04:22to host the annual sales event

04:24of the most revered name in Norfolk agribusiness.

04:27Imagine the future now.

04:30Imagine a new horizon.

04:33One that dares to ask,

04:35are we giving our animals the nourishment they deserve?

04:39Welcome to Banroyd pig and cow feed.

04:43Yeah! Come on!

04:45In the world of high-volume feed pellets,

04:48these guys are the best of the best.

04:50advancing overall carcass quality.

04:52No pigs grow bigger than Banroyd pigs.

04:55Conventional feed introduces nitrogen in an animal's waste,

04:59poisoning our soil.

05:01But what if amino acids could be introduced?

05:04Sorry, can I just stop you there for a second?

05:05Is anyone here actually deaf?

05:07Yeah. I mean, yeah, as I thought.

05:10Thank you, but go.

05:11Reaching a live audience of a hundred,

05:13and an online audience of thousands,

05:15it is one of the most illustrious

05:16presenting opportunities in UK media.

05:18Claire, if your father could see you now

05:21as you pledge to raise out completely

05:24the feeding of animals to other animals by 2065,

05:28he would be proud of you.

05:30This woman, this woman, she makes butchers happy.

05:35And as I began the event set-piece interview,

05:38what a year in store for Banroyd.

05:40It was clear I was doing my job well.

05:42When I hear about how excited the management team are,

05:46it's infectious.

05:48And I don't mean like foot and mouth or BSE,

05:50but certainly a kind of bird flu of enthusiasm.

05:55Until out of the blue, I fainted.

05:58Alan?

06:00Twice.

06:01Within hours, I'd become a figure of fun

06:03with a Thai YouTuber,

06:05even referring to me as Lady Lapfaint Man.

06:08I was told by St. John's Ambulance Man,

06:10who was well below average height,

06:12that it was low blood sugar.

06:14And in my confusion,

06:15I found myself going along with the little fella.

06:17I only had one Weetabix this morning.

06:19But as the days went by,

06:20something began to dawn on me.

06:22I had eaten breakfast that day.

06:24I'd had bacon, bread and beans and butter,

06:26and having recently passed a medical exam

06:28at a canoeing centre with flying colours,

06:30I knew I was in good shape.

06:32There was only one plausible explanation.

06:35I had a mental health problem.

06:38My mind is not feeling very well.

06:41The stinging nettle.

06:46A reminder that whilst some balk at the idea

06:49of us confronting our mental health crisis,

06:51others believe we need to be bolder.

06:53For like the nettle, if we brush lightly against it,

06:55we're liable to get stung.

06:57But if we have the courage to grasp the nettle,

06:59then we'll all be better off.

07:01And I intend to start by grasping the stingiest nettle of all,

07:05as I ask, how big is the UK's mental health crisis?

07:09And where better to start than on the streets

07:12of the only city I love more than Dubai?

07:14It's Norwich.

07:15It's Norwich.

07:16Are we rolling?

07:17Oh, hello ladies.

07:18Can I ask you a question?

07:19Are you happy?

07:20Very happy, thank you.

07:21Right.

07:22And are you happy?

07:23Yeah, I think so.

07:24And are you happy?

07:25I know you.

07:26We were at school together.

07:28I'm not sure about that.

07:29I was in the year above, yeah.

07:31I don't...

07:32And you asked me out.

07:33No, I didn't.

07:34I wouldn't ask you out.

07:35Yeah, yeah, yeah.

07:36Do you know, I've a good mind to say yes this time.

07:38I never asked you out.

07:41Oh, but to answer your question, yes, I'm quite happy.

07:44I've just got a brand new granddaughter.

07:46Great.

07:47She keeps me busy.

07:48I'm sure she does.

07:49Well, I mean, it keeps you occupied in your retirement.

07:52It does.

07:53I never asked you out.

07:54And yet I wasn't sure these women were telling the truth

07:57about being happy.

07:58I didn't ask you out.

07:59Because, as these testistics clearly show,

08:02mental health problems are on the rise.

08:05Plus, we already know that she lied about me asking her out.

08:08Instead, I'm off to the other side of Norwich,

08:10where, having cancelled an ear-de-waxing appointment,

08:13I'm going to hear the views of another group of people.

08:15Express your opinions openly.

08:17It should be fun.

08:18I host focus groups every few weeks.

08:20Rude, if you want to be rude.

08:21It's both a favour to my friend Max,

08:23who runs Inquizimax Market Research,

08:25and a fascinating window into the minds of the kind of people

08:28who happily eat two-pound-ready meals.

08:31Janice, I know you're dying to say something.

08:33Yeah, you see, for me, a carton that size,

08:35I'd want, oh, six or seven chunks of chicken at least.

08:40Mm!

08:41I mean, I had three.

08:42Three?

08:43I mean, three chunks of chicken in a chicken corner

08:44isn't really acceptable.

08:45Yeah, no, I'll tell.

08:46And you can tell them that.

08:47Yeah, I just said I would.

08:48So far, we have two salty, needs salt,

08:51would eat again, microwave broken, ate cold,

08:55and Janice, eat yours simply, simply more chunks.

09:02But today, I'm not just here for the curry.

09:04It's time to talk mental health.

09:06I want to park that for a second.

09:08New topic to ponder, mental health.

09:11Does anyone here ever feel sad, despondent?

09:15Just to go back to that chicken corner just for a minute, though,

09:18I do actually have one more bit of feedback.

09:19I consider it a privilege to hear the views of ordinary people,

09:22whether about a subject you've already moved on from

09:24or the one you've just asked about.

09:26And for the latter group, there are some notable observations.

09:29There is more mental health than there used to be.

09:32Mental health and mentally handicapped are different things.

09:35Ken Dodd made money from being mad.

09:38So, has anyone got any other ideas, apart from Janice,

09:42about how we might assuage those negative feelings?

09:45Colin.

09:46It makes me want to drink.

09:47What's brought this on?

09:48It's too salty.

09:50Still talking about the ready meals?

09:51Yeah.

09:52Yeah, no, we've moved on.

09:53We're talking about mental health now.

09:54OK, how do we feel now?

09:56Are there any useful takeaways?

09:58The kebab shack in the high street?

10:00No, I mean about what we've been discussing.

10:01You've got to learn to cook for yourself, Janice.

10:03Buy a pan.

10:05How are you?

10:10I've put this in larder.

10:12Leave it.

10:13It's porcelain.

10:14It's porcelain.

10:15It's cheap-glazed clay made by Chinese children.

10:17Next morning with my assistant,

10:19and we take stock of what my programme is trying to achieve,

10:22although she has no editorial input whatsoever

10:25and is content to only join in non-verbally.

10:28I'm very excited about this documentary

10:31because mental health...

10:32Mm-hm.

10:33I mean, if I can use an outdated, outmoded term,

10:36it's just gone mental.

10:38Mm-hm.

10:39But in my quest to understand the scale

10:40of the mental health crisis,

10:41I'm off to spend time among a group

10:43who suffer from it more than most.

10:45It's funny.

10:46Most presenters would run a mile

10:47if you asked them to visit the homeless,

10:49which I think is how sport relief started.

10:52Ah.

10:53Yet I'm volunteering in a local soup kitchen

10:54to see up close, from behind a counter,

10:56what life is like for those who live free-range.

10:59Five years ago, I agreed to help out one evening a month

11:02at this soup kitchen.

11:04And whilst I've had to cancel on each occasion

11:06due to unforeseen circumstances,

11:08I send along my assistant instead,

11:10and I do so free of charge.

11:12The homeless get a warm feeling from the soup,

11:14I get a warm feeling from having seconded my assistant,

11:17and, I dare say, she gets something from it too.

11:20You comfortable?

11:21And so, after putting on an apron

11:23using the spin, tuck and tie technique,

11:25favoured by both the US Army Catering Corps

11:27and horrible Greg Wallace,

11:29it was down to work.

11:31You homeless?

11:34Some soup.

11:39You homeless?

11:41Some soup.

11:43What are you doing?

11:44Yeah, I'm just trying to,

11:45just trying to weed out the blaggers, yeah.

11:46You can just serve the soup.

11:47Yeah, and I saw a guy over there in a,

11:48in a North Face jacket.

11:49You could have got it from a charity shop.

11:50Open your eyes, mate.

11:51Jews believe chicken soup can cure depression,

11:52and so I was as keen as anyone to get soup,

11:54albeit not chicken, to these men.

11:56Even though my last experience cooking in front of the cameras

12:00on a reality TV show had really upset me.

12:02Where is the chicken? How long is the chicken?

12:0420 inches.

12:05The time? How long for the chicken?

12:07It's two minutes.

12:08There's no dill on these.

12:09Alan, there's no dill on these.

12:10There's no dill on these.

12:11There's no dill on these.

12:12There's no dill.

12:13Where is the dill?

12:14I've forgotten what the dill looks like.

12:15So what better place to get back on the horse

12:16than in this kitchen?

12:17Every night the people who eat here

12:32leave warm, content, and full of soup.

12:34But the soup isn't going to win any awards

12:36unless there's no dill on this dish.

12:38Not an advantage, but one of the things

12:40that's hot can sit down on the hot seat

12:42unless there's an award for largest amount of soup.

12:45My ex-wife used to punish me using food.

12:49She'd make her feelings known by serving me soup and a glass of water

12:52instead of chicken and wine.

12:53And this soup reminds me of her punishment soup.

12:57But here's a trick that can really lift the soup.

13:01Pour in two pints of milk and then crumble in

13:05three OXO-style chicken cubes.

13:08Hey, presto, you've got cream of chicken soup.

13:11Or near as damn it.

13:12Add a bit of crunch.

13:13Peanuts.

13:14Bash them to bits while they're still in the bag.

13:16Use anything.

13:17Rolling pin, the nearest hammer.

13:19If you've got a tramp shoe, use that.

13:22Add that in.

13:24Give it a stir.

13:25Hey, presto, again.

13:26Now you've got cream of chicken pad thai-style soup.

13:30Carl, come here, taste this.

13:33Mmm, that's good. I like that.

13:37Is that peanut?

13:38All right, has anyone got a peanut allergy?

13:42I do.

13:43Right, you can't have any soup.

13:45Yeah.

13:46I mean, you're welcome to stay, but you must not have any of this soup.

13:49Um, yeah, you can help yourself to a banana sandwich.

13:53You can have two slices, and we'll allow you a fork to mash the nana.

14:00I mean, there's another soup kitchen in Ipswich.

14:02Have you got a cut?

14:03No, no.

14:04If you run, I mean, it's about 45 minutes, but I'd go now.

14:10If you leave, leave now, leave right now.

14:13How are you?

14:15How are you?

14:17It's the next morning, and I'm relaxing at my health and rackets club with the woman I love.

14:22Mine!

14:22No, mine!

14:23OK.

14:24We make a good team.

14:25I'm a laid-back, easy-ozy kind of guy.

14:27Mine!

14:27No, mine!

14:28OK.

14:28Whereas she has a Latin temperament, even though she's from Cheshire.

14:32Sorry.

14:33Sorry.

14:34But what she doesn't suffer from are mental problems, in her view, because she's not feeble.

14:38Mine!

14:39No, mine!

14:39OK!

14:40Out in the wider world, though, it was becoming clear that the problem is rampant,

14:45and finding ways to de-stress is crucial.

14:48Me, I like to come to Norwich Market to finger its fresh produce, wander its alleyways,

14:53or today, buy costumes for an Irish friend's fancy dress party.

14:57How much for two balaclavas?

14:59They're the IRA ones.

15:01I often think if everywhere had a Norwich Market, there'd be a damn sight fewer mad people.

15:05You're listening to North Norfolk Digital.

15:08Yeah.

15:08I used to be on this station.

15:10It's Carl Branning now.

15:11Yeah.

15:11This was my show, actually.

15:12And his sidekick, Simon Denton, he was my sidekick.

15:16Carl's very good.

15:17Oh, yeah.

15:18Look, very talented.

15:20Got a lot of time for Carl.

15:22I mean, he's had his personal issues, but he never exposed himself on webcam to me.

15:29That's delicious.

15:30Very entertaining.

15:30Um, yeah.

15:34Yeah, he got his penis out.

15:37Very smoky.

15:38I'd had a wonderful morning at a wonderful market.

15:41All right, Rupert!

15:43Rupert?

15:43It's Alan.

15:44Alan Partridge.

15:45Are you confusing me with someone else?

15:47If we are suffering from a mental health epidemic, it ain't round here.

15:51Lynn, how quickly can you get to Norwich Market?

15:54I don't know how it happened.

15:55I've accidentally dressed like Rupert the Bear.

15:58Of course, there's nothing wrong with looking like what, for me, is the best British cartoon bear.

16:04Because while Paddington's an illegal immigrant and Winnie the Pooh wears a T-shirt but no underpants, which raises obvious safeguarding concerns, Rupert simply looks like a West End actor.

16:14Alan Partridge is proud to be associated with Rupert the Bear.

16:18With Britain's mental health crisis so vast, how can anyone hope to tackle the issue?

16:25As I wandered my garden to record stock footage that could be inserted at any point to cover voiceover, I wondered if I should start closer to home, instead of asking the nation, how are you, how about asking myself, how are I, how am I?

16:40I like to come up here sometimes, just decompress.

16:46That's where I keep keepsakes, mementos, personal items, which, after my death, will be donated to the National Archive.

16:53There's some sorts of soppy, daft stuff, really.

16:57A picture there of my grandchildren.

16:59Not very good, but they're good at maths.

17:02That's a box containing letters between myself and my ex-wife, Carol.

17:07Um, but, you notice, I snapped the key off of the lock, so I can't access it.

17:12Nothing against Carol, just really toxic box.

17:15This is, um, paycheck, first paycheck from the BBC.

17:19I won't know if you see the amount.

17:21Uh, but I do remember at the time, I think it was quite a lot of money, because I was able to buy fish and chips for four people.

17:27Uh, they brought their own drinks.

17:29This is me and Sue Cook.

17:32Me and Sue Cook's brother.

17:35Oh, this is interesting.

17:35This is a showreel.

17:37This is, um, a collection of my voiceovers that I would send out to people as a sort of calling card.

17:45I just, uh, I've not heard this for years.

17:49Brian's Autos.

17:50It's the finest garage in Dudley.

17:53Rummy accent.

17:54It's important to show your vocal range.

17:57It did hear, stop, sunshine, man.

18:01Albeit different times.

18:03I'm not sure you'd get away with that now.

18:05This is interesting.

18:12This is the headset I wore when I was a DJ at North Norfolk Digital.

18:17It's technically still their property, I think.

18:19But, uh, yeah, left under a bit of a cloud.

18:24Um, not quite sure what happened.

18:26But, uh, there's...

18:29Yeah, there's new management, change of direction.

18:32It's...

18:33It's funny how putting on just a simple object like this evokes so many emotions.

18:41Yeah.

18:43This is a good documentary.

18:45As former DJ on North Norfolk Digital's Midmorning Matters, I was sounding board, listing post, and agony uncle to the whole of the Norfolk region.

18:56North Norfolk region.

18:57Uh, now time for something we call rash decision.

19:00Rash decision.

19:03Your medical ailments answered.

19:04Once again, Dr. Andy can't be with us.

19:06Uh, but please do keep sending in your pictures of rashes.

19:09Simon and I both have access to Google Images and will provide layman's view of exactly what the ailment is.

19:15And a reminder, our diagnoses have no medical basis.

19:19Yes, indeed.

19:19Let's look at some rashes.

19:20You're a first aider.

19:21I am, indeed.

19:22But you haven't given first aid.

19:24No.

19:24Even when that woman collapsed.

19:26Do you think you were in shock?

19:27I think I probably was.

19:28Yeah, yeah.

19:30Uh, first is from, uh, Heidi Trentham, or is it Trentum?

19:34Trentum.

19:34Trentum Gardens.

19:36Well, it's Trentum Gardens.

19:37Trentum Gardens.

19:38So what are you saying?

19:41Heidi...

19:42Does it matter?

19:43No!

19:44Uh, Heidi Trentham, uh, has a foot rash.

19:47It's, uh, raised, dry, scaly, wine-coloured, uh, she says it does itch.

19:52For this one, I thought psoriasis.

19:54I thought psoriasis myself, or potentially eczema.

19:57Yeah.

19:57Uh, yeah, Heidi, you're going to need a cream of some sort.

20:00I would pop down to Boots, show them your foot.

20:03Get your boots off.

20:03Yeah, in Boots.

20:05Which is why I said it.

20:06Ha-ha!

20:07Number five is Maureen Skip.

20:09Interesting rash.

20:09I thought it most resembled this one.

20:11Yes.

20:12Uh, which would be a heat rash.

20:13Although the raised hives tell me it could be an allergy.

20:16Well spotted.

20:18Much like the rash.

20:19Yeah.

20:19Maureen, I'd say don't have milk or bread, uh, anymore.

20:25Yeah.

20:25Finally, uh, number six, Jeff in Holtz, big red circle.

20:30Simon?

20:30Lyme disease.

20:31Oh, no, I've got the same.

20:32Gotta be.

20:32I'm proud of rash decision, and should look back at my tenure fondly, and yet my memories

20:37of North Norfolk Digital are dogged by the souring of one important friendship.

20:42I realise now I'll never be able to find mental peace unless I do something about it.

20:47Hello.

20:48What's your name?

20:49Joe.

20:50Hello, Joe.

20:50I borrowed a head mic for a school sports day, which I'm here to return, and I'm here to

20:55see a friend of mine, Sidekick Simon.

20:58Sidekick.

21:00Uh, I'm sorry.

21:01Simon Denton?

21:01Oh, yeah, Simon.

21:02Yeah, he's on, he's on air right now.

21:04Right.

21:04What did you call it?

21:06Sidekick Simon.

21:07That was his name when we worked on the show together.

21:09Oh, you used to work here?

21:13Uh, I was only the face and backbone of the station for the best part of ten years, and

21:18I, in fact, had a one percent stakeholding in it, which I sold for five grand, which I

21:22reinvested, uh, 20 percent stakeholding in a DVD rental company, which since folded due

21:29to market forces.

21:29As if you work behind reception at a station like NND, probably a good idea to brush up

21:33on your, on your history.

21:35And who shall I say is, is here?

21:37Me.

21:38I'm gonna need a name.

21:40Alan Partridge.

21:42Great, could you just sign here, please?

21:46I'm just gonna grab a coffee.

21:47Oh, if you just take a seat, someone will be around.

21:48I'm just gonna grab a coffee.

21:51Rupert.

21:52These days, Simon sidekicks alongside Carl Browning.

21:55Yep, this is CB Radio.

21:56I've got a lot of time for Carl.

21:58He's had his personal issues, but away from train station bathrooms, he's a perfect gentleman.

22:02Now it's time for Wrong Answers Only.

22:05Love this.

22:05You ask the questions, Simon gives the wrong answer.

22:08Diane, you're on line one.

22:10What does BMI stand for?

22:12Bring me ice cream.

22:13Love it.

22:14Ice cream's two words.

22:15Hayley, line four.

22:17What Irish dancer was once named the best male dancer in the world?

22:21Prince Andrew.

22:21Oh, that was a bad answer.

22:23He knows it.

22:25Look, his throat will get dry.

22:27He'll dehydrate it.

22:29There you are.

22:29There he goes.

22:30Yeah.

22:31His skin will get itchy.

22:32Watch.

22:33There we go.

22:34He knows when he's fucked up.

22:37Quick swipe of the schnoz textbook.

22:39I barely recognise the place.

22:42So much has changed.

22:44Look at that water cooler.

22:45Blue stream.

22:47That used to be, um, aquatic.

22:49Yeah.

22:50So much has changed.

22:52That's a new flip chart.

22:54Those CDs are new.

22:55He didn't work here.

22:56What did?

22:57Studios weren't down there.

22:58Mine was here.

22:59Mine's here.

23:01What?

23:03I turned my studios into a men's toilet.

23:06There's a man in there taking the dump where I used to broadcast.

23:08Not much has changed then, has it?

23:09Which is the joke I was about to make.

23:11You didn't, though.

23:13Clever clogs.

23:14I'll have you know, I won, uh, Leonard Cheshire Holmes Radio Companion of the Year 2017 and 2018.

23:21Two years in a row.

23:22First time anyone done it outside of London.

23:24Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

23:26Now, come here and give us a half hug, you bloody bugger.

23:30Yeah, I loved what I heard, though.

23:31Yeah.

23:32Yes, well, uh, Mr Branning likes to keep the pace up.

23:35Slightly less leisurely than back in our day.

23:37A bit more peppy.

23:38You don't think peppy's more of a breakfast thing?

23:40You know all that research that says retirees get a headache before lunch and prefer the

23:44radio a bit more gentle?

23:45Right.

23:45It was good to see my erstwhile sidekick again.

23:48Good to see him back in fine fettle after a complete breakdown when his girlfriend moved

23:53to Coventry to study linguistics.

23:55I was told you threw a brick at a swan.

23:57The goose.

23:58Goose.

23:58Yeah.

23:59I mean, if you ever want to talk about anything, all you've got to do, pick up the phone, mate.

24:04I know.

24:04It's that easy.

24:05I know.

24:05WhatsApp, FaceTime.

24:07Yeah.

24:08As long as it's not, you know, a landline before 6pm, um, you can talk to the cows come home.

24:13Yeah, I know.

24:15I know we can.

24:17Yeah, you sit there.

24:18Sit yourself down, sir.

24:19Sidekick Simon had been a moderately good broadcaster and an even better friend, but our fruitful

24:24working relationship had gone mouldy.

24:27In May 2022, after he ignored an amusing text message about a cat, we broke friends.

24:33Today I want us to get things off our chest to help us both, but mainly me.

24:38Memories.

24:39Yep.

24:40Like the corner of my mind, misty water-coloured memories.

24:44Barber Streisand.

24:45We finish of the way we were.

24:48Barber Streisand.

24:49How did we get from the way we were to the way we are?

24:53Because we locked horns.

24:54No, God, yeah.

24:55We were like two stags, weren't we?

24:57Yeah.

24:57Going into it.

24:58And I think there are still troubled waters.

25:00And we're going to build a bridge.

25:01And it's time to build a bridge.

25:04Over troubled waters.

25:05Over troubled water.

25:09Today, I'm going to invite you to try the I feel technique.

25:14Oh, I think I know this.

25:15Let me explain it.

25:16To avoid rancour, I might say to my milkman, when you clank bottles early in the morning,

25:22I feel uncared for sleep-wise.

25:25And then he can respond in kind.

25:28It's a simple but surprisingly powerful technique.

25:31Yeah, no, I do know this.

25:32Do you?

25:32Yes, yes, it's like the guy on YouTube said.

25:35It's a simple but surprisingly powerful technique.

25:38He even does that.

25:39Yeah.

25:39Well, this, I read this in a book, so.

25:41Oh, did you?

25:42Hmm.

25:42Oh, okay.

25:43Which book?

25:43Because I'm looking into self-help a bit as well.

25:46It's by Dr. Bristol.

25:48Sorry, Bridge.

25:49Dr. Bristol.

25:51Dr. Bristol Bridge, who lives in Texas.

25:54In America.

25:57Yeah, yeah.

25:58Right.

25:59Shall I begin?

26:00Yes, I invite you to.

26:02When you criticise me on air, I feel belittled.

26:09Hmm.

26:09When you complain about feedback, I feel hurt because I'm only trying to help you.

26:17Right.

26:17Well, when you say feedback, but then reel off a lot of quibbles you have with me, I feel attacked.

26:24Yeah.

26:25When you describe major flaws in your broadcasting style as quibbles, I feel you're not taking the

26:30listener serious.

26:30When you talk about the listeners, I feel like you're hiding behind them in order to

26:35say a lot of petty gripes that have been bothering you that day.

26:37When you describe my gripes as petty, I feel like you're being a dick and it hurts my feelings.

26:43When you call me a dick, I want to tell you to fuck off and say that when you worked here,

26:48no one at the station liked you.

26:50When you use bad language and lie, I feel like I shouldn't have given you the day off when

26:55your dad died.

26:57Great.

26:57Really useful technique.

26:59It keeps a lid on things emotionally, but, you know, really gets the endorphins going.

27:04Oh, yes.

27:04Gets them dolphins going.

27:05Well, do you know what?

27:06Endorphins are a bit like them dolphins, aren't they?

27:08This is good banter.

27:10They'll probably ask us to strike up the partnership, recreate the old magic.

27:13Yeah.

27:13Yeah?

27:14Has anyone said anything?

27:16No.

27:16Okay.

27:17No one said a word.

27:18All right.

27:19The human mind is a swirling mass of negativity, besieged as we are by critics, bullies, and

27:27liars.

27:28But today, hope for a journey that began in a woman's lap has reached a watershed moment.

27:33Like footage played backwards, I have begun to feel long-held anxieties retreat and canter

27:40into the distance.

27:41And for the time being, at least, I am now the very picture of contentment.

27:46So I'll ask you again, how are you?

27:53See the next episode on iPlayer Press Red now.

27:57On BBC Sounds, a new series of Evil Genius starts with the vicious reputation of Al Capone.

28:04Listen now.

28:05Plane crash victims in a gripping murder mystery.

28:09Nine bodies in a Mexican morgue on iPlayer.

28:12Watch now.

28:16...

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