Perfect Pub Walks with Bill Bailey Season 2 Episode 1

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Transcript

00:00Well, there were one or two slightly ropey bits.

00:04Yeah.

00:06Every time I do something, I feel, ooh, I got away with that again!

00:10Do you ever feel that? The whole time? Yeah.

00:14There comes a point, I hope, when one stops thinking you're right,

00:18someone's going to tap you on the shoulder and say,

00:20what are you doing here? You're in the wrong place.

00:23It's been a terrible mistake.

00:26When do you stop? I don't know. We're in our careers.

00:29Yeah. When people stop asking you, I think.

00:31Yes.

00:32I mean, that's, yes, retirement might not be our choice.

00:35No, it's decided by someone else, isn't it?

00:39Yeah, I mean, you've had a few firings over the years.

00:44Yes, it won't feel unfamiliar.

00:46I'm out of a job again.

00:48Yeah.

00:49We always used to joke on Top Gear that if one of us died,

00:52whatever reason, you would have to make the announcement.

00:55I'm terribly sorry to have to tell you that Jeremy Clarkson died last night,

00:58but the next word had to be anyway.

01:00We all agreed.

01:02Anyway, here is the new Ford Focus.

01:04Oh, let's run away and I know where we are going to.

01:10Goodness, can you imagine?

01:12Oh, I guess.

01:16Cheers.

01:17Cheers.

01:18And then, of a certain vintage.

01:20Oh, they're not very good at talking.

01:25Bloody Henry!

01:26That is a spitfire.

01:30It is a spitfire.

01:31Oh, two.

01:32Look at that.

01:33Well, talking about the big, important stuff at any rate.

01:37It's got furniture.

01:38And look at this.

01:39Sofa.

01:40That's magnificent.

01:41Comedian and lover of the great outdoors, Alexander Armstrong has a plan.

01:46I love walking and I grew up deep in rural Northumberland,

01:50so countryside is very much in my blood.

01:52What do you do to relax?

01:54Struggle.

01:55So I've designed these walks so that my guests can get away from all the hustle and bustle of their normal lives.

02:01It's a chance to open up and talk about things that perhaps you wouldn't talk about normally.

02:06You know, I've got a bit older.

02:07I am reverting to childhood whether I like it or not.

02:11Everyone else seemed okay and I seemed to be the only one that was broken.

02:15And I hated myself.

02:16He's taking some of our best-loved national treasures.

02:20Okay, you ready?

02:21Yes, sir.

02:22Has anyone done the risk assessment for this?

02:24On some spectacular pub walks.

02:27That's glorious.

02:28They just had a funicular railway to get you up here.

02:31Can fresh air.

02:33Hang on.

02:34That's bird poo, isn't it?

02:35Yeah, that's bird poo.

02:36The odd pint.

02:37And the sun's out.

02:38The sun's out.

02:39Nice, right?

02:41And some good old-fashioned messing about.

02:44Oh, beautiful!

02:46Get men to share what's really going on in their lives.

02:51This is bliss in its purest form.

02:53My life is blessed.

02:55If the Lord decides to pluck me now, I can't really have any complaints.

03:00Last order's in the bar now, please.

03:04Today...

03:05James.

03:06Ah, how are you?

03:07Zander is taking former Top Gear presenter James May,

03:11walking through the stunning Yorkshire countryside.

03:14He's famous the world over for being part of the most blokey TV show that ever was.

03:20They keep it very quiet, how beautiful it is here.

03:23Don't they?

03:24Yes.

03:25Yes, they do.

03:26So I brought James to the manliest place in the world, Yorkshire.

03:29It has a cosy familiarity.

03:31Mm!

03:32Isn't it nice?

03:33I'd love to explore what he thinks a man should be in today's world.

03:38I did spend many of my formative years in South Yorkshire.

03:42So this is the sort of place we'd have come to on school trips.

03:46Yeah.

03:47And early adventures in cars.

03:49Oh, everything is about to change.

03:53But I say bring it closer to me.

04:06Oh, I tell you what I've got in my pocket.

04:07I've got this Yorkshire mix.

04:10Oh, Yorkshire mix.

04:11Aye.

04:12Gee, by heck, I haven't seen that for a long time.

04:14You might want one then.

04:15This is like dolly mixture for bed.

04:18Yeah.

04:19Yeah.

04:20Exactly.

04:21Mmm.

04:22Mmm.

04:23God, this one tastes of hairspray.

04:25Mmm.

04:26I'll tell you what I mean.

04:28It's not really helping conversation, is it?

04:31The Yorkshire mix.

04:32The Yorkshire mix.

04:33The Yorkshire mix.

04:34Tonight, two men go to the dentist and then attempt to present a TV show.

04:40That would be quite good.

04:41I've watched one.

04:42Probably as well.

04:43I think I might have done.

04:44You might.

04:45Take me on an adventure.

04:52Let it be a golden one.

04:56I don't know much about the weather.

05:00So meet me in the morning sun.

05:04I don't have much of a history of interacting with nature.

05:08I don't really know anything about it.

05:10I don't know what sort of tree that is.

05:13Erm.

05:14Those are dandelions, aren't they?

05:17Yeah, that's about it.

05:19I don't know what that is.

05:20Oh lovely.

05:21Mmm.

05:22I'm not actually much of a walker, which worries me a bit about this.

05:34I've got a slightly dodgy knee at the moment.

05:36I don't have proper walking boots, so I've put my trainers on.

05:40I mean, I walk to the shops and things like that.

05:43But erm, I'm treating this as a very short holiday.

05:47With conversation.

05:49Zander and James are beginning their journey, where many others have ended theirs.

06:04Heptonstall Cemetery in the Calder Valley uniquely serves two churches.

06:10Now this church, this is St Thomas the Apostle.

06:13Oh, that's nice.

06:14Look at that.

06:15Wow, there's another church there.

06:17Yes, that.

06:18That is the church of St Thomas of Becket, which is ancient.

06:22There was a terrible storm.

06:24And then the whole thing started falling into disrepair.

06:27So they built a new church.

06:29I think they used quite a lot of the stone from that one.

06:31Interestingly, when they sack the monasteries, you know, you see all those monastic ruins from the Reformation.

06:37All they did was take the lead off the roof.

06:40And that basically meant that the water soaked in, and people could then just come and help themselves.

06:45Yeah, because you always get near the remains of an abbey or a monastery,

06:48you always find quite a nice big posh house that's very obviously made of the stones.

06:52All the stuff they've nicked from the monastery.

06:55Something I was going to say is, this is actually more Richard Hammond's idea than mine.

07:00But when you go to a graveyard, you find...

07:03I can't read that one.

07:06OK, here's one. Here's a Victorian one.

07:09So if you say his name, Absalom Stott.

07:11Yeah, Absalom Stott.

07:12That's probably the first time someone's mentioned him for a century.

07:15Oh, he'll be pleased.

07:17Yeah.

07:18Stottie.

07:19Stottie, old Absalom.

07:21There we are.

07:22That's nice.

07:24Absalom Stott, well done.

07:26After leaving Heptonstall, Xander and James will drop down to Hardcastle Crags, a magical woodland with a 19th century mill.

07:39There's a chance to test their building skills before scaling the valley to reflect on the words of the poet Ted Hughes, a local lad.

07:48Their destination today is the Hare and Hounds pub.

07:55So, just to go back to the beginning.

07:58James.

07:59Where did you actually grow up?

08:00I was born in Bristol, in Brizzle.

08:03Yeah.

08:04And then throughout my early years we moved to the Midlands and then South Wales and then South Yorkshire.

08:12So I'm sort of rootless and very messed up.

08:16I don't...

08:17It strikes me as particularly messed up.

08:19What was it that took you a bit?

08:21Was it your dad's work?

08:22Yeah, it's my dad.

08:23My dad worked in the steel industry and later aluminium foundries.

08:26Right.

08:27So he went where that was.

08:28As a kid I was a bit of a waster.

08:31And if I had to say, you know, what was I good at school or what was I into, it was music, metalwork and poetry.

08:38Everything else was just a grey fog of nothingness.

08:44Yes.

08:46Most people know and love you for your joy in construction.

08:50You love making things.

08:51You love taking things apart and putting them back together again.

08:54Yes, I do.

08:55Is that something that came from your childhood?

08:57Yes.

08:58To be honest, I think it started as it almost certainly did for a lot of people my age with Airfix.

09:04Yes.

09:05So I built an Airfix Spitfire, which is a seminal moment in many people's lives.

09:10Yes.

09:11And that was encouraged by my dad.

09:12Yeah.

09:13And he bought it for me and he helped me with that first one.

09:16But that, after that I was, I was sort of off and I became slightly obsessed.

09:22Yes.

09:23Well, he helped me with my Airfix models and he helped me build my bicycles and he gave me my first tools.

09:29They came from my dad.

09:31And once that's happened at the age of five or six, the future is certain.

09:40In the middle of Hardcastle cracks stands the mighty Gibson Mill.

09:44Built around 1800, it was one of the first cotton mills in the country.

09:49Long since obsolete, the old mill now houses a visitor centre and cafe.

09:56I'm always amazed by buildings like this because the ceilings would have been full of pulley systems to drive the hammers of industry and our nation's greatness.

10:04Yes.

10:05And in there, mostly women, a few children working as well.

10:09Yes.

10:10And terrible, terrible diet.

10:12Terrible diet.

10:13Coal.

10:14Coal.

10:15And fat.

10:16Yeah.

10:17It's a place of toil and, well, misery.

10:20What is this now?

10:22It's a tea room.

10:26It's damning of the conceits of nations and the ambitions of men that whatever industry you create and buildings that you build to accommodate it, eventually they will all become tea rooms and art galleries.

10:39Well, I mean, this is a place of construction, so should we go and do some construction of our own?

10:46What sort of construction?

10:47I think you'll enjoy this.

10:48OK.

10:51I'm very intrigued to see what this is.

10:53I'm guessing it's not Lego.

10:55That's a good stick.

11:11We may be engaged on that ancient quest to find the perfect stick.

11:16Zander and James are halfway through their first day in Yorkshire and they've decided to build a den.

11:23Were you a den builder in childhood?

11:26I was a bit of a den builder.

11:27I was quite keen with my younger brother on making indoor dens, which were generally made out of bits of furniture.

11:32Yeah.

11:33Blankets and clothes pegs.

11:34Blankets over the top.

11:35Yes.

11:36Um.

11:37I sort of got the feeling that normally Zander doesn't make dens.

11:41Oh, look at this beautiful bit of weft and weave going on there.

11:46I have been accused of being a man child, permanently locked at the age of 12.

11:52I mean, I'm 62 now and that seems to have happened quite suddenly.

11:56But one of the great things I've noticed about being this age is you actually don't have to give a shit anymore.

12:02I have a theory that a great deal of men, left to their own devices, would live in simple huts.

12:10Yes.

12:11Maybe with an animal or two.

12:13And you'd have a mug, a bowl, a spoon, a couple of books and you'd be happy.

12:20Oh, you're right.

12:21I think they might be perfectly content like that.

12:24There you are.

12:25It's got furniture.

12:26Oh, look at this.

12:27Sofa.

12:28That's magnificent.

12:29Ah.

12:30James has kept this beautiful sort of childlike delight in construction.

12:36It's just undimmed that kind of wonder that we had as children.

12:41Did you get these mugs from 1955?

12:43Yes.

12:44Good God.

12:50I mean, this is actually just suddenly really lovely.

12:53Isn't it?

12:54I mean, we've got our own little, our own little house.

12:58I mean, that was just meant to be a bit silly, really.

13:01And it was, it was quite fun to do.

13:03And then when we sat inside and drank our tea, it actually worked.

13:07I could feel that.

13:08That felt childish.

13:09It felt like we'd sort of unlocked a little, a little distinct memory of childhood.

13:14I like our den.

13:15Yes.

13:16But I think the idea of this series is that we end up at a pub.

13:21Yes.

13:22Is there a pub?

13:23There is a pub.

13:24There is a pub.

13:25Ah.

13:26I heard you say, meet you in the long run, something good of our lives, and we're away.

13:41You've done very well, James.

13:44Good.

13:45Not bad.

13:46I think this landscape is wonderful, and it's Yorkshire, so it's God's own bit of the

13:51English countryside.

13:52But it's lovely, and it's vast, and long may it continue.

13:57Oh, look at that.

13:59That is quite good, isn't it?

14:01Isn't it?

14:10After a happy childhood in South Yorkshire, James moved to London in his early twenties,

14:16where for many years, he struggled to hold down a job.

14:20Yeah, well, I suppose for a long time, there were some slight wilderness years.

14:26I did a series of fairly meaningless jobs.

14:30A car dealership, a hospital, a branch of the civil service.

14:33I was fired from pretty much everything I did.

14:36And then I became a freelance writer and starved to death in my garret.

14:41It's a weird thing.

14:42I think, particularly for men, I think it's sort of expected that you will by then have

14:49absolutely worked out what you wanted to do.

14:51I don't know.

14:52I've always been a bit of a waster.

14:54I couldn't make my mind up about anything, and I had no vision of my own future,

14:58and I had no ambition.

15:00I don't know if I'm exceptional in the number of times I was thrown out of jobs.

15:04Well, I wasn't thrown out of all of them, but there were quite a few in fairly rapid succession.

15:09But when I look back on the younger me, I cringe quite badly.

15:13I brought some things with me, as I wrote down, because we are, I knew we were coming through Ted Hughes country,

15:23because Ted Hughes' parents had a place called The Beacon.

15:26It's at one of these houses round here.

15:28Poet laureate Ted Hughes was born in the Calder Valley and stayed here with his first wife, the poet Sylvia Plath, who's buried in Heptonstall.

15:41His son Nicholas wrote to him when he was in his twenties, and he said,

15:45Dad, I don't think I've grown up. I think I'm still a boy, really.

15:50You know, and his dad wrote to him and he said,

15:53Nicholas, don't you know about people this first and most crucial fact?

15:58Every single one is, and is painfully every moment aware of it, still a child.

16:05At every moment, behind the most efficient seeming adult exterior, the whole world of the person's childhood

16:11is being carefully held like a glass of water bulging above the brim.

16:16And in fact, that child is the only real thing in them.

16:19It's their humanity, their individuality.

16:22It's the centre of all the possible magic and revelation.

16:28That's very good, isn't it?

16:29It's good, isn't it?

16:30Yes, extremely good.

16:34I don't know about you, but I often feel that actually, especially now I've got a bit older,

16:40I am reverting to childhood, whether I like it or not.

16:44Yeah.

16:45I think Ted Hughes's letter did hit hard.

16:49I wish really someone had written me a letter like that, but they didn't.

16:56Shall we go to the pub?

16:59Go on.

17:01Right.

17:03This way.

17:04Righto.

17:06Am I a sensitive soul?

17:07I think I am, actually.

17:09I try to keep it to myself.

17:13Does that make me horribly buttoned up and unapproachable?

17:19I don't know.

17:21But people don't ask me these, why are you asking me these questions?

17:23It's unmanly.

17:32We'll get you to the pub before sundown, I said, and good as my word.

17:36Yeah.

17:37Hey, look, it's got a Yorkshire sign.

17:38It says Tuk Pum.

17:40Up north.

17:43Oh, deep joy.

17:44Oh.

17:45It's warm, James.

17:46Oh, it's really fantastic.

17:49By heck, it's proper gorgeous.

17:52Oh, thank you very much.

17:53Well, Matt Yorkshireman out of here, yeah?

17:57Cheers.

17:58Cheers.

18:04Oh, can I ask another question?

18:09Are you standing on something?

18:11You're standing on the same floor I'm standing, aren't you?

18:15I am, aren't you?

18:16Yeah, yeah.

18:17OK, right.

18:18OK, good.

18:21This looks perfect and convenient.

18:23I think a pint, it's more enjoyable when you sense that it's a reward,

18:29when you somehow earn it.

18:31Cheers.

18:33But it is a reward, in a way, for surviving the day.

18:37Ah, I love it.

18:38I've got that very nice feeling of, sort of, once was cold, now extremely hot.

18:44Yeah, extremely hot.

18:45Our first walk, I think, has been a huge success.

18:48Now I'm getting a sense of who James is.

18:50He's very honest about getting fired from so many jobs.

18:54A number of times he was sort of told that that was it.

18:56But it could really have kept him back, and it didn't.

18:59He was just going his own way, ploughing his own furrow.

19:02Could we have another couple of pints of landlords?

19:12I often think that sheep must be very stupid, otherwise they'd be bored.

19:18Well, I think there's a lot to be said for boredom.

19:22Really?

19:23I think so. I think great things come out of boredom.

19:25I've also often thought that they're inventing incredible machines in their heads,

19:30but they can't draw them because they don't have hands, so nobody ever knows.

19:35That one there might have cracked nuclear fusion.

19:37Zander and James' second day starts by a manor house which inspired the novelist Charlotte Bronte.

19:49Then it's over the moors where Charlotte's sister Emily envisaged the brooding Mr Heathcliff.

19:55They drop down into Howarth, where the sisters lived, for a unique pub and a drink on the go.

20:01On the go?

20:06Here we are in Bronte country.

20:09Bronte, the Bronte brothers.

20:11The Bronte sisters.

20:13And there was a sort of an errant brother, Branwell.

20:16Oh, yes.

20:17Who had a habit, I think, of getting very drunk and then on one occasion set his bed on fire.

20:26Why did he do that?

20:28I think it's probably related to his opium habit and his alcohol addiction.

20:35He was a railway clerk, I think, and then was fired from that.

20:39There is a famous painting of the Bronte sisters, in fact, that's in the National Portrait Gallery, by the brother.

20:45Although it's interesting because he painted himself out of it.

20:49So he was a, he could paint, but he didn't, he really made it as a painter.

20:55So people who fail as artists can be dangerous. Hitler, for example.

20:58No, exactly.

20:59It's a weird cycle, isn't it?

21:01Yeah.

21:02Failed artist to Fuhrer.

21:05I thought the brother sounded like a fascinating character, utterly hopeless, complete wasted life by the sounds of it.

21:14Could have been me.

21:16Now, the viewers don't know this yet, yes, but we've strategically become positioned opposite some very attractive ruins. What's that?

21:24Well, this is called Wycola Hall. They were the inspiration for Ferndine Manor in Jane Eyre.

21:33Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre thrilled Victorian readers with its intimate love story between Jane and the rugged Mr Rochester.

21:40The moors above Howarth, an oblique farmhouse called Top Withens, inspired Charlotte's sister, Emily, whose Wuthering Heights featured another menacing male hero called Heathcliff.

21:55Do you know anything about Heathcliff? Was he a bit of a, a bit of a wrong'un?

22:01He was very dark and mysterious and he was, he was unknowable.

22:06So to the, in the mind of the Bronte sisters, they were, you know, they'd had years standing in the lonely farmstead.

22:13Yeah.

22:14And then Heathcliff turns up full of mystery and darkness and, yes, inscrutability.

22:19Yes.

22:20Everything their brother wasn't.

22:21Yeah.

22:22Talking about raw manhood.

22:25Yes.

22:27Would you like a cup of tea?

22:28A cup of tea? Yeah, always.

22:29Yeah, perfect.

22:30Yes, I'd like a manly cup of tea.

22:35After struggling as a young man, James landed a job on a car magazine before joining Top Gear as a presenter.

22:42The often controversial show became one of the most watched television programmes of all time.

22:48Um, size of pork pie.

22:51Yes, please.

22:55Mmm. That is very nice.

22:56That's really nice.

22:57Mmm.

22:58Mmm.

23:00The sort of the magic crystallisation of the, of the Top Gear trio.

23:05How, I mean, do you remember that happening?

23:06Just going stratospheric.

23:09Yes, I think so.

23:10I think in the early days.

23:12But then it slowly turned into something else.

23:14It became a, well, I often think of it as a, as a sort of strange confluence of circus pantomime and sitcom.

23:25Mmm.

23:26With a car theme.

23:27Yeah.

23:28It gradually became less and less about the cars.

23:30And to be honest, rather too much about us.

23:32And it, and it was a, a sort of travel show as well.

23:36It's an incredible stroke of good fortune that that ended up being how I made a living.

23:42I mean, it's, I can hardly believe it.

23:44It's interesting because for a lot of people, Top Gear, they would say it represented a kind of masculinity.

23:51It was very sort of masculine program.

23:54But was it?

23:56I mean, it was, it was a sort of slight knowing laddishness, I suppose.

24:03But I don't, I think it was too, it was too noisy and too needy in many ways to be genuinely manly.

24:10I thought the whole thing came across as, well, slightly camp at times.

24:15I think there's a part of James that is a bit naughty.

24:19He doesn't want to conform.

24:22Part of the genius of Top Gear, that you had the Clarkson and you had the Hammond.

24:26And suddenly, ah, you put the James May piece up here and it makes sense of the universe.

24:32You know, now it's sort of found its place.

24:34It's like, you know, he was just getting the wrong place all those years.

24:37I am lucky and I know this and I'm very grateful for it, that I was eventually allowed to make a living.

24:47A, having a nice time and B, actually just being myself.

24:52When I started doing it, I thought, oh, this is a bit of a laugh.

24:56This might last a couple of years.

24:57And then, look, here we are and it's only just ended.

25:04So where are we going next for you to dismantle more of my character?

25:07Well, actually, I thought we might take the wheels off in Howarth.

25:12Howarth? Howarth, where the Brontes actually lived.

25:15Oh, OK. In the Varsnage.

25:16In the Varsnage.

25:17So perhaps we should be on our way.

25:32Well, this, this is Howarth.

25:34And look at it, quintessentially Yorkshire.

25:37It's day two for Xander and James.

25:40They've reached Howarth, where the Brontes sisters lived in the local parsonage.

25:48What is that, er...

25:50For a moment I was dreaming. That's definitely a...

25:52No, I can hear that. It's a band.

25:54Isn't it?

25:58Do we dare?

25:59Yeah, go on.

26:00Brass bands originated in working-class communities.

26:16During Victorian times, there were as many as 40,000 across the country.

26:22Though numbers have dwindled since then.

26:30That's what happened.

26:31That's sort of a reality.

26:32To know it, you should be

26:57Bravo.

27:16Oh, wow.

27:17Hello, sorry.

27:18We were just passing.

27:19We thought we'd come and say hello.

27:20We heard you practicing.

27:22Well, you're very, very welcome.

27:23How very lovely this is.

27:24Thank you both.

27:25What is this?

27:27Well, we are the Howarth Brass Band.

27:29Yes.

27:29We were formed originally in the 1830s.

27:35No fundamental members of the Moans.

27:39And we've developed and they've been going ever since.

27:42Well, it's a real treat to hear.

27:44It's made me go a bit tingly.

27:45Yes, I know, I agree.

27:50The sound of a brass band is very moving.

27:53I wonder if it's also something to do with an association with things lost.

28:00Yorkshire collieries, that sort of thing.

28:07What a treat.

28:08How perfect.

28:09Wasn't that just a nice perfect little detour?

28:11Yes.

28:16Right.

28:17The pub today.

28:19Oh, yes.

28:19We're going for such a treat.

28:21Really?

28:21I think you're going to enjoy this.

28:23I love not knowing what's going to happen.

28:28The boys are heading for the Keithley and Worth Valley Railway, a heritage line staffed mainly

28:33by volunteers, which has a pub on board the train.

28:37Are we going on a train ride?

28:40I thought we might.

28:43I think you'll enjoy it.

28:44I love it.

28:44Tremendous.

28:44Yeah.

28:45Well, I have even better news for you, James.

28:50I mean, not only is this lovely steam train going to be picking us up, but you're going

28:57to be going up front.

28:58On the footplate?

28:59Yes.

29:00Oh, really?

29:00Yeah.

29:01Good afternoon.

29:06How's it going?

29:07James.

29:08Chris.

29:09Chris, how are you?

29:10I live in the dream.

29:12Sorry.

29:16Is this an Ivet 262?

29:19It's a Mickey Mouse 4.

29:21I think James is quite good at containing things.

29:23He doesn't really give free reign to outward expressions of delight, perhaps.

29:29And then suddenly, when we got to the train, he couldn't really hold it in any longer.

29:36Well, we're filling up the tanks with water, and then the water from the tanks will be put

29:41into the boiler through the injectors.

29:43Yeah.

29:44And it's heated by the coal, then it becomes steam, and then superheated steam and goes

29:48into the cylinders and drives the locomotive.

29:52This is a big tap.

29:55So about there at the moment.

29:56OK.

29:58But it was just lovely.

30:00James's rosy face just went, oh, his eyes were as open as I've ever seen them.

30:05All right.

30:10Whoa, look at the heat of that.

30:15Yeah, it's fantastic.

30:17It's so sort of visceral, everything about it, immense heat, noise, motion.

30:25There's something quite medieval about it, because it's hot, and it's sooty, and it's sweaty,

30:39and noisy, and it clanks, and you can't mince around with a steam locomotive.

30:44See if you have to grab it by the scruff of the neck, and rive it, and fire it.

30:49Wah!

30:59There are worse, hobbies.

31:02Do you need me to blow the whistle?

31:04See what tune you can play.

31:05Oh, James.

31:20Hello.

31:21How was that?

31:22That was fantastic.

31:22It was medieval.

31:24Oh.

31:24And hot.

31:25Listen, should we go and have a drink?

31:27Yeah, let's do that.

31:29That was a lovely day.

31:30It all felt very nostalgic.

31:32It felt like a last look at things that maybe won't be with us for much longer.

31:37Right.

31:38Oh, it's got a pub.

31:40Yeah.

31:40There's a pub on a train.

31:41This is our pub.

31:42Oh, God.

31:44There we are.

31:45Thank you very much.

31:47Hmm.

31:49Well, I must admit, I'm greatly inspired by the Heritage Railway

31:53and beer combo.

31:55Yes.

31:55After all that, frankly, slightly depressing Bronte stuff.

32:00But good things came out of it.

32:02That's some lovely chats.

32:03Yes, that I would reveal anything damning about myself.

32:06Because if I'm honest, I'm slightly uncomfortable with talking about these things.

32:11It's another man thing, I think.

32:14I've been accused by my former Top Gear colleagues, for example,

32:18amongst other people, of being an emotional stone,

32:21which I don't think I am really.

32:22I'm actually quite an emotional person, but I just keep it to myself.

32:28I think blokes support each other by being slightly horrible to each other.

32:32I mean, it's a very intricately coded thing.

32:35I wouldn't want to try and decipher it,

32:37but there's a way of ragging on your mates

32:41whilst you're actually helping them along.

32:44I don't think I'd ever say to my mates,

32:45Oh, how are you feeling? Are you OK?

32:47I'd sort of sense if they weren't quite right

32:49and give them a slightly hard time

32:52and then make them a bacon sandwich.

32:56That means we're going.

32:57Always the end of the match.

32:58It's Zander and James' final day in Yorkshire.

33:19I did have a go at fly fishing once with an instructor.

33:23Yes.

33:24And that was quite satisfying.

33:26But when I tried it by myself,

33:28it wouldn't work until I put a piece of toast on the hook,

33:33which I think is probably a terrible thing to do.

33:35Yeah, and that worked.

33:37Instantly.

33:38First cast.

33:38Yeah.

33:38I mean, why has no one thought of that before?

33:42They're starting by the River Wharf on the Bolton Abbey Estate.

33:47They'll explore the ruins of a 12th century Augustinian priory

33:51before heading to the Strib, a deadly stretch of the river.

33:56Their final book is the Craven Arms in Appletree Wick.

34:01I was just thinking how much fun it would be to be a monk.

34:04Do you think it was?

34:05Well, yeah, on a day like today, you know.

34:07I'm going to get some honey from the Apepurey,

34:10brew a bit more beer.

34:12I once spent two days in a monastery.

34:15Did you?

34:15In Italy.

34:16They weren't Trappists, were they?

34:18No, they were Cistercians.

34:20Cistercians?

34:20Yes.

34:21And then in the evening, we got absolutely bladdered.

34:23Of course.

34:24Yeah.

34:25Now, look at this.

34:29This, these Augustinians knew precisely how to cite

34:34their priories.

34:37Yes, they're never on industrial estates, are they?

34:40I've noticed that.

34:41Mm.

34:42I mean, you see how vast that is.

34:44Yes, it's huge.

34:45I mean, it's a great, massive great Westminster Abbey, basically,

34:48here, just in the middle of the Dales.

34:49That's nice.

35:03You could have a very nice drinks party in there.

35:08Certainly could.

35:10It was the monks who sold pardons as well, wasn't it?

35:12That's right, yeah.

35:14That's a racket.

35:15Have you done anything bad recently?

35:17I mean, a couple of episodes of Pointless have been a little bit less than exemplary.

35:22Would you like me to pardon you?

35:23I wouldn't mind, actually.

35:24You are pardoned.

35:26Thank you very much.

35:26That's 500 quid.

35:27Oh, right.

35:28OK.

35:28Yeah, I'll settle that up later.

35:30My agent can probably sort that.

35:31OK.

35:31You know, two amazing things happened here.

35:37Turner painted it.

35:39Wordsworth wrote an ode to it.

35:42But also, Fred Truman is buried beneath it.

35:47As well as being the first bowler to take 300 test wickets,

35:52Yorkshire legend Fred Truman also won the prestigious Pipe Man of the Year Award in 1974.

35:59Oh, look, here we go.

36:00Ah.

36:00Ah, Frederick Seward's Truman.

36:05Look, there you are.

36:07Where did you get these children's pipes from?

36:10Literally.

36:11From Hamleys.

36:13Yes, I'd get one for an adult.

36:16Because here we're not only smoking kills and it's very bad for you.

36:19It's not to be encouraged.

36:19It's addictive.

36:21So if you take a little bit like that.

36:22Yeah.

36:23And then you just rub it.

36:24Yes, you sort of tease it.

36:26OK.

36:28Hmm.

36:28The great thing about pipes is they buy you time because if you ask me one of your awkward

36:37questions about men's feelings, I can go, oh, well, it's interesting you should say that.

36:40And if you've annoyed me, I can say, and I can tell you another thing.

36:45And that, that is terrifying.

36:47Yes.

36:47And it ends any debate.

36:49That's it.

36:50I said, look, Xander, what you don't realise is, and that's it.

36:55You can't come back to me and say, well, you have a pipe as well.

36:57I can if I have a pipe.

36:58I was going to say, because I suddenly thought, when I didn't have a pipe in my mouth, I thought,

37:02oh, but when you did it, do it now?

37:05No.

37:06That's a parry.

37:07It's a parry.

37:08Isn't it?

37:08This is a duel, a pipe duel.

37:10Yeah.

37:10And then a lunge.

37:12Yes.

37:12Ah, his opinion.

37:14He goes, ah.

37:15Why don't we put the, would this be disrespectful if we left these?

37:19No, I think that'd be nice.

37:21Like that.

37:23Oh.

37:25You're going to be annoyed later on if you fancy a pipe and then remember you left it on Freddie

37:29Truman's headstone.

37:32Yes.

37:35Recently, James has been presenting history documentaries on his own after his on-screen

37:40partnership with Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond came to an end.

37:47Do we know, do historians know, the point in British history when thermos flasks stopped

37:52being tartan?

37:54I was just wondering that.

37:57What, if you look back across the, the, the May oeuvre,

38:01what are you particularly proud of?

38:04What am I most proud of?

38:05Yeah.

38:06Um, well, I suppose, well, the biggest thing I did was top go in the grand tour, obviously.

38:12Yeah.

38:12But none of it's ever quite good enough, is it?

38:14You always think afterwards, oh, oh.

38:16Oh, I like remembering that.

38:18You see, that's good.

38:18That's why you make good telling.

38:21Um, I know.

38:23Yeah.

38:23I don't, see, you're making me talk about things I'm uncomfortable talking about, but

38:27I'm going to do it anyway.

38:28Do it.

38:28I get a bit of a buzz out of performing in a small way.

38:33Mm, mm.

38:34I mean, we're even doing it now, and I'm thinking carefully, what do I say here?

38:39Am I saying this clearly, or am I showing signs of the undiagnosed medical condition I

38:44obviously have that's making my words come out in a strange way, and my head twitch and

38:48my fingers wobble?

38:49Yeah.

38:53I think that's all right.

38:56I know, you know, as I get on, I'm getting twitchy and fidgety and...

39:02There will come a time, and I fear this dreadful day is almost upon us.

39:07Yes.

39:07When, for dignity, I should stop.

39:14Really?

39:15Yeah.

39:19Well, I mean, it's a great privilege, getting old, because quite a few people I knew didn't.

39:24But also, you're not in the race anymore.

39:27You don't need to be ambitious.

39:28It's, to all intents and purposes, over.

39:31You are enjoying the coda.

39:33But that's often the best bit.

39:35I mean, my life is blessed.

39:39I've had a happy time, and my work has been very stimulating.

39:45If the Lord decides to pluck me now, I can't really have any complaints.

39:49It's really blank.

39:51Yeah.

39:58The only thing that will accompany you to the grave is your good deeds.

40:04And according to Philip Larkin, in his poem, The Arundel Tomb,

40:08all that will survive of us is love.

40:11So I hope I leave behind the memory of a good deed or two

40:14and a little bit of love scattered around somewhere in the world.

40:19The Arundel Tomb

40:21Sorry.

40:30I'm not the childish.

40:32Xander and James are on the final stretch of their walk through Yorkshire.

40:36Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

40:38I think I am thinking what you're thinking.

40:40Do you reckon you can reach the far shore?

40:42No.

40:43No, I'm pathetic.

40:46Do you want a fibre on it?

40:48No.

40:50I might as well just give you a fibre.

40:51I'm, no, that was just pathetic.

40:56You need a bit more in the wrist, maybe.

40:58More in the wrist.

40:59Yeah.

41:00Yes.

41:00OK.

41:06That was going to be good.

41:09I hate the bloody rock.

41:12There was a poignant moment when James said he might consider retiring soon.

41:18You know, age will come for all of us.

41:21I hope he does stay on screen.

41:23He's a very much loved and I think a very necessary part of our TV landscape.

41:31Oh, beautiful.

41:34I mean, that was sort of infinite.

41:35That was like an eight foot skip.

41:36Yeah.

41:37Fantastic.

41:39If enough people do this, will the river eventually move that way?

41:42That's how Oxbow Lakes happen.

41:43Is it?

41:43We know.

41:44Or people skimming stones.

41:45The lads have got one more stop before their final pub, the Craven Arms in Appletree Wick, and they'd better tread carefully.

41:57Now look, this, you see the speed of the current there?

42:00Yes.

42:01That is some indication of what we're about to go and see, because we're in this area of devastating beauty.

42:07It is.

42:07But also, great danger.

42:10Really?

42:11We're going to take you to a place called the Strid.

42:13Really?

42:13Because this river suddenly is forced into this very, very tight little chasm, and the whole thing goes powering through at sort of devastating speed, and it's created underneath this sort of chamber, this chasm.

42:33The Strid is one of the deadliest stretches of water in Britain.

42:38It is said no one who has fallen in has ever emerged alive.

42:42Oh, look, and here it is.

42:44That is the Strid.

42:45That's the Strid.

42:47Because everyone comes here, and they think, well, you can hop across there.

42:50It's two metres.

42:52It's a long way to jump.

42:54I wouldn't do that.

42:55No.

42:56My natural sense of self-preservation and, frankly, rank cowardice.

43:03Yes.

43:03I'm not sure it's rank cowardice.

43:05I think it's perfectly fair to admit to it.

43:08Yeah.

43:08Though narrow at the surface, the river stretches out wide beneath the rock the boys are standing on, and goes down to a depth of two double-decker buses.

43:18Oh, I have a perfectly reasonable fear of death.

43:28Oh, that makes me feel a bit weird.

43:31Yeah, a little bit.

43:32People say, well, is it because you're worried that you might want to throw yourself off?

43:36No, I'm worried that I might just fall off.

43:39And for a few seconds, that would be awful.

43:41Anyway, there we are.

43:44Lovely.

43:46Shall we go to the pub?

43:49This way.

43:53From Bolton's old monastic tower, the bells ring loud with gladsome power.

43:59The sun shines bright, the fields are gay, with people in their best array of stole and doublet, hood and scarf, along the banks of Crystal Wharf.

44:09Through the vale, retired and lowly, trooping to that summons holy.

44:15And up among the moorlands, see what sprinklings of blithe company, of lasses and of shepherd grooms, that down the steep hills force their way like cattle through the budding brooms.

44:29Path or no path, what care they?

44:31And thus, in joyous mood, they hie to Bolton's mouldering priory.

44:39Lovely.

44:41Do I see a pub?

44:42Yes, you do.

44:42You do.

44:43Look at that.

44:44The Craven Arms.

44:47Oh, look at this.

44:48There's a view as well.

44:50Look at that.

44:50There's a tremendous view.

44:51Oh, Lord.

44:52Come on, James.

44:54Shall we have, I don't know, maybe a pint?

44:57Yes.

44:58Cheers.

44:59Cheers to you.

45:00Can you taste the wood, maybe?

45:08Oh, rich, smooth and chocolatey.

45:12Mmm.

45:13It was an extremely enjoyable few days, and I did learn things.

45:16I always quite like learning things.

45:17I learned something about the Brontes.

45:19I've had a lovely time talking to Xander, but I feel slightly nervous about this show going out.

45:27Why?

45:27I suppose in case people just think I'm a big, self-indulgent dishcloth.

45:40James, I can't tell you how much fun it's been to spend some time with you.

45:43I have enjoyed it immensely.

45:44We've had three really lovely days.

45:46I like you, but I wouldn't normally say that.

45:48Well, that's very nice.

45:49I like you, too.

45:50Oh, thank you.

45:51I like you, too.

45:52James is a real hero to so many millions of men.

45:56You know, he's not an alpha male.

45:59I think his version of manliness is a really sweet one.

46:03I mean, I think he's done everything in a very James May style.

46:06He is very nice.

46:07A little bit anarchic, with a little bit of a wry smile, and always stopping to smell the roses.

46:13I hope I know myself.

46:17What I know about myself at this particular moment in my now quite long life is that I've run out of Thiexton's old Peculiar from the barrel.

46:27Interesting.

46:27Okay, should we ask?

46:28Cheers.

46:30Cheers.

46:30Cheers to you.

46:31Hey, love, we're gonna be fine one day.

46:37Hey, love, we're gonna be fine one day.

46:41find one day I see the light in your eyes like the stars

46:54oh I don't have a choice

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