How Are You It's Alan (Partridge) Season 1 Episode 5

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00:00Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, old time is still a-flying, and this same flower that smiles

00:13today, tomorrow will be dying. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. The Latin term for this sentiment

00:28is carpe diem. Seize the day! An amateur production of Dead Poets Society, directed, produced, and abridged

00:36by Alan Partridge, it's a powerful clarion call, imploring us to both live life to the full and

00:42educate our children privately. Because we are food for worms, boys. Yes, believe it or not, one day each

00:52and every one of us in this room will stop breathing, turn cold, and die. And while the production

01:00ran for just three spellbinding nights, the words of Mr. Keating, the lead character, my

01:06character, have never left me. Carpe diem. See you. The day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.

01:19It was a valuable learning experience for me, the audience, and the kids in the story played

01:27by these men. Class dismissed. But can seizing the day improve our mental health? Welcome

01:34to How Are You? It's Alan Partridge. How are you? When mental health problems strike, many people

01:47like to shake the etch-a-sketch and try something new. Whether it be yoga, peloton, women over

01:5350 sometimes dye their hair blue, and that seems to help them. A friend of mine was dumped

01:57by his girlfriend and went so far as joining ISIS for a fortnight, but left in a dispute over

02:02food. But does any of this actually work? Well, this week I intend to find out as I navigate

02:08a slightly shaky patch in my personal life. And you will have a ringside seat for what

02:15will be an intensely personal episode. Juice sausagey. As I bravely let the cameras into

02:20my own life. Do you want a tangerine? No, I don't actually. Okay. I used to bring Katrina

02:31here in the first flush of romance and carved K.E. Katrina Ellis for AP. Alan Partridge

02:39on a dozen diseased trees while she took selfies and read her phone. But since I'm no longer

02:45in that relationship, which is all good, all good, K.E. for AP no longer applies. But rather

02:53than remove the sign with an electric sander, I decided to amend the sign with my Swiss Army

02:59knife, which goes everywhere with me, to read quite simply, keep out for area private. Keep

03:05out of this area, for this area is a private area, which I think is an elegant solution.

03:10I've taken the negative of a failed relationship and turned it into the positive of a sign I've

03:14been meaning to put up anyway. Not that it's necessarily a negative. I feel free. I feel

03:19good. I wish the same for her. I should have seen it coming. There are signs. We've stopped

03:27tickling each other. She started locking the bathroom door when she was having a shower,

03:33pretending she couldn't hear me knocking in just a towel. And then my assistant found

03:37a prophylactic in the footwell of the car, which I knew wouldn't have been mine. I don't

03:41like them. It spoils the feeling. And that's when it all fell into place.

03:48the same for her. She couldn't hear me. She couldn't hear me. She couldn't hear me.

03:55No. Yes. No. No. No. No. No. Wait. Have you just put the no in the yes pile? I put a bit of a

04:16pile i put her with a nose see no no no this one this one she was a no she's very presentable

04:26presentable lynn we're not into this is not paddington bear's presentable i don't want to

04:32go out with him online dating like many men my age i've often fired up tinder after half a bottle

04:39of wine purely to see what's out there now as a newly single bachelor i'm taking a more considered

04:45approach you know it's like looking at the cast list for songs of praise all these high necks and

04:51low hems i suppose you want it the other way around well yes i do if you if you want to push me yes i

04:58do lynn well you could always go out to a sleazy disco and find yourself a strumpet lynn there is

05:03a happy medium yeah and i would like a medium by the way and don't try and get around on the

05:09technicality by booking me dinner with a large clairvoyant and claiming well she's a medium

05:14because i know you you do need to look at their personalities yeah we'll get to that that's the

05:19next round and round three is kids but seizing the day for better mental health isn't just about

05:26romantic affection which is why i'm getting out and reviving platonic relationships too

05:32a pub quiz is not a measure of intelligence i've seen pub quizzes won by a team of postmen before now

05:37it's more for men to mix with other men and uh talk about personal issues uh under the veneer of

05:45a trivia quiz um some reason and seems to find it easier to talk about an upsetting divorce or a bum

05:51complaint uh while shouting out the dates of famous battles and tonight promises to be extra special

05:58because i've not quizzed with my friends for a year as katrina thought they wore cheap trainers

06:03uh okay probably my fault uh i didn't let them know i was coming and as i said to them totally

06:11fine to have replaced me as a team member i was away for a year and you don't want to be going into

06:16a quiz as tough as that with a member down that would be like uh turning up with a water pistol to

06:21the battle of the somme which began on the first of july 1960 which i'm sure they'll know oh this is

06:26the uh museum they used to love this uh antique trocho uh yeah and they were they were totally

06:32they couldn't have been nicer about the whole thing uh casualty original version yes and in the

06:37replacement uh of me with ollie denvers very shrewd choice uh ollie has a great knowledge of literature

06:45because when his wife left him uh he read all her books in an attempt to win her back it didn't work

06:51but it left him with an encyclopedic knowledge of uh women's literature just good friends

07:01yeah well they're scratching their heads i'm gonna i'm gonna have to tell them

07:06god where would they be without me

07:08yeah just good friends yeah the 80s sitcom just good friends there's more that can be said for you lot

07:25yeah uh actually love those guys

07:30ski sunday

07:39when a car's that far up behind that close i want to pull over and say do you excuse me

07:46when you walk along the street do you walk on the street with your nose pressed against the

07:50arse of the person in front of you because that's what you're i think doing with me

07:53psychologists believe in displacement anger a phenomenon in which rage at one thing comes

07:58out in response to something else but in this case the woman was just a very poor driver

08:02take your nose out of my bottom i've never met you before i'll have to slam on my anchor so he goes

08:08rams into the back of me i'm fully covered you've probably got third-party fire and theft you piece of

08:15shit i'm sorry how are you

08:23i'm seeing what seizing the day can do for my mental health and while for me sundays are about

08:28slobbing around in tracky bottoms watching documentaries about collapsing bridges today

08:34i'm trying something more dignified that's great since 1980 church attendance in britain has almost

08:41halved but here in the church of john the baptist in norwich things are no different than they were in

08:481980 including their clothes alan do you want to help her and she's always pushing she can see where

08:54so what's the big idea well churchgoers like my assistant lynn go on about an inner peace that

09:00comes from worship and today i've agreed to give it a go and while i quickly realized it wasn't for

09:10me what with all the smiling and having to kneel down i was more than happy to stay

09:19you see i'm what you'd call a christo skeptic and i've always filed god under pleasant but far-fetched

09:25the same bracket as santa and female doctor who's clearly jesus was a decent chap albeit with heavy

09:34lib dem vibes but i've always been unmoved by his message and today is no exception

09:40but mine was a watching brief and with the sing-song finally over

09:45i was happy to give my tips on improving the audience experience so first of all hallelujah for

09:50ditching the cold wooden benches and going with the cushioned seats i also i think if you'd

09:54retained the wooden benches you'd be ruling out anyone with hemorrhoids and right there you'd be

09:58halving your congregation so full marks on the cushions the problem is the band i don't care how

10:04holy they are they've got to go if i want to listen to four bald men playing guitars i'll listen to

10:11will of the wisps down at the boxley wheat chief who to be fair are pretty tight they've got a good

10:17sound but the church has to modernize and i said one word to you didn't i lynn synthesizer

10:23synthesizer and i said a few other words can't remember simmons electronic drum kit with adjustable

10:29volume i see no reason why within three years the church should not be fully electronic it's an

10:35exciting thought isn't it oh yes yeah yes

10:42i'm pleased to say the church has since invested in volume controllable drums

10:47although my intervention has rubbed some of the older ones up the wrong way and i don't go anymore

10:53in a church setting electronic drum kits offer a more controlled clean and adaptable sound

10:58reducing stage noise while ensuring a balanced mix but try telling that to this lot

11:03and so after all this talk of the last supper i'm off for a first cuppa with a woman i met on a dating

11:14website to some people modern dating is too cold and detached they say that choosing a partner should

11:22be different from choosing an air fryer i take a different view with a larger pool of dates to choose

11:27from online there's less need to pussyfoot allowing both parties to be honest and save time i've cut

11:34dates short after just a few minutes and vice versa one woman told me uh thanks but no thanks your

11:40shoulders are too narrow and the ear on the right hand side of your head sits slightly higher than the

11:44ear on the left hand side of your head both perfectly fair comments some people don't take it too well

11:50i told one date that i preferred women who don't wear glasses she said is that so they can't see what

11:55you look like properly and whilst i laughed in the moment i did think what a nasty woman

12:02but this afternoon i do have a date all set not with her yes

12:12pop the heated seat on i know you like that yes it's level one

12:18don't want to boil your ass first dates are always fraught with uncertainty for peace of mind

12:24i arrange to meet in a coffee shop with a big window and have my assistant take a photo from a

12:29state-of-the-art camera phone go we then compare it with my date's profile picture to see if there's

12:36been a breach of trust how do i zoom in just widen your fingers well on the screen oh yeah that's the

12:45back of her head well she turned away all right well okay i'm gonna have to get her to turn around but this

12:49time be ready right hello hello uh of course in traffic i'm afraid that's all right uh interesting

12:59fact about the building opposite you uh there's a nest under the eaves that they say belongs to a

13:04couple of black-winged kites but you have to look quite closely

13:07are you looking yeah yeah anyway as i say i'll be about 10 minutes why are you saying you're 10 minutes

13:18away when we both know you're not i can hear the same ambulance down the phone as i can outside this

13:23place so you're not 10 minutes away i don't appreciate being spied on

13:28well that's a shame she must have been pretty smart to piece that together you said you quite

13:37like clever women no i said i liked quite clever women then crucial difference i forgot to say my

13:43girlfriend katrina left me for my best friend daryl flench daryl's rather katrina's you can see

13:49the range rovers yeah yeah yeah when when uh when the three of us were all parked next to each other

13:59it was it was red white and blue it used to look like the uh the union flag wrongly called the union

14:03jack but uh without me it's it's just the st george's flag well that makes you scotland yeah quite like

14:10scotland the romans never conquered the scots no that's what hadrian's war was all about yeah i mean

14:15those two won't know that they're thick as pig shit shall i bang the horn no no i'm not going to

14:21but none of this is to diminish the pain of a breakup you can throw yourself into new experiences

14:26but studies show that anxiety is common in the aftermath particularly if she's being a

14:31bitch this came as well there's no stamp on it it's from next door she wants a record player back

14:38oh well if she wants a record player back just tell us you can prize it from my cold dead hands

14:44i'd replace the stylus i changed the speakers so yes you can whistle dixie

14:48doesn't even know what that is she won't even know the tune she won't no do you know the tune lynn

14:54well if she wants it back she'll have to lawyer up in fact can you ring my lawyer up yeah do you know the yellow rose of texas yes

15:13do you like confederate songs i love them that makes sense i feel sad for katrina and wish her every

15:22success in moving on but that's not the same as rolling over and that means decisive action

15:28where is he okay look we're gonna have to jivvy him along he charges by the hour and and part of an

15:38hour and if he if he can eek it past 60 minutes then i get charged the same amount again don't worry

15:44i've got my game face on yeah what games that battleships sorry about that i've eaten into your

15:50time a little bit haven't i yeah i uh just digging out your file yeah i can see the crumbs on your tie

15:56oh indeed well just thought i'd squeeze in a quick sandwich while i was digging out my file right

16:02take a seat thank you now how are you good and how may i ask as is lynn how's all done fine everyone

16:13we know is fine righty-toddy now uh in your email you requested that i look into the legal situation with

16:22regards to items that have been contested in the aftermath of a breakup namely one a record player

16:34two don't help me no i will it was a pog and poll fridge worth five thousand pounds that she coerced

16:41me into buying for her how did she coerce you she gratified me physically in a way that she had

16:47previously declined to entertain what are you doing sucking a ball sweep okay now you asked me to

16:56consider your claims in the light of all this and i have

17:06done so bottom line it start with the record player the issue sorry would you like no no the issue

17:14insofar as it pertains to the question is whether the record player has been co-owned for long enough

17:21so that it meets the definition of joint use now as far as i know it was in your home for 13 months

17:29see that's january february 13 months march april graham graham it's 13 months now uh what i need from

17:39you is a detailed account of the timeline it's all in the email graham oh just like have it again

17:50alan gordon partridge met katrina reddice 13 months ago began romantic liaison co-purchased record player

17:55on her credit card but kept in his house fancy fridge on his credit card but in her house he replaces

18:00stylus she ends relationship and requests appliance back alan refuses sought advice end a story send a

18:05letter please thank you and goodbye good luck get you back on the red bull hey

18:14how are you

18:20deciding to grab life by the horns isn't without its challenges

18:23some people will seek to hamper and obstruct in my case my former partner has taken issue with my new

18:29tougher attitude the following private conversation is broadcast here with my permission oh katrina

18:35lovely to see you you've got my record player uh yes it's in the garage help yourself it might sound

18:40a bit crackly though because i put the old stylus back on having removed the one that i paid for

18:45whatever oh and uh bad news um yeah two mice have eaten through your bose speakers

18:50well how's that happened because i rubbed some cheese on that's mature what me on the cheese hey how's

18:59your big brown boy daryl is fine thank you no hard feelings whatsoever oh should tell him to try viagra

19:09all right i'll tell him next week at the bahrain grand prix what you got tickets for the grand

19:16prix in the stands probably pit lane access full hospitality package if you've got the money you're

19:21more than welcome to join us do i want to fly to the middle east and get heat stroke while i watch

19:27some men change tires quickly hmm i think i'd rather be on a long-haul flight in economy class in the

19:35middle seat with noel edmonds on one side and and another noel edmonds on the other and guess who the

19:42ass duanesses it's noel edmonds pathetic i was enjoying seizing the day but what i didn't realize

19:49was that the freedom to try new things was leaving me dangerously untethered my encounter with katrina

19:58had gone well with friends agreeing the noel edmonds line was as good as anything you'd hear from a

20:03professional comedian i now know i should have left it there what an audience what an audience

20:13yeah looking good looking good where are you from norwich and where are you from norwich and where

20:20are you from norwich and where are you from norwich what else has been going on i went to the supermarket

20:33the other day nick down there and it just i got that i thought i could not believe how many milks there

20:39are we've got too many milks come on oat milk hemp milk soya milk rice milk buffalo milk condensed milk

20:51uh yeah i mean the list goes i've got them down here potato milk you don't get chips from a cow

20:59i've got a bit about gender stuff can't do that because the bar person said he is one um

21:06oh this is a funny no i can't do that they found that body so what else has been going on

21:10hey you're at a lower you look like you are was that because i pulled a chair earlier yeah

21:14because you were getting that just wind your neck in looking at the footage now i see a troubled

21:19funny man indeed i can crucify you mate for while others say it was objectively funny with strong

21:25gags and good crowd work to me something feels off like seeing a tattooed toddler or nick ferrari dancing

21:32while some might draw pleasure from jetting off to the bahrain grand prix where the flag is as

21:37checkered as bahrain's human rights record true joy for me comes from helping others

21:42if i want to find mental contentment it's not my day i need to seize it's someone else's but who to

21:50help during my time as a radio dj i received thousands of letters from listeners and i binned them

21:56all but pottering in my office recently i found one spicksworth resident jillian groves was one of the

22:02show's most prolific contributors along with diane bow and patricia dove she was one of the big three

22:08never short of a reason to complain about anything from dog fouling to romanians that was nasty manx

22:14oasis with one of their songs yes indeed now all week we have been giving shout outs to listeners

22:22in need of a good old-fashioned cheer up we've had quite a few sad stories no time to go through them

22:27all but uh to sum up we have had shed blew away horse destroyed hairdresser moved find another one

22:33granny swindled and bad porn found but one that stood out for us was from jillian groves a retired

22:42nurse in spicksworth take time who were right who writes i always enjoyed the two-fingered cadbury's

22:49timeout bars they may not be fashionable or cool they probably don't normally they probably don't eat

22:54them on yachts or in buckingham palace but they brought a lot of joy to a lot of people when cadbury

22:59stopped making them my family were really angry we've been trying to contact cadbury's but we've

23:05been met with a veritable wall of silence not so much as a whisper yeah a cadbury's whisper which

23:12is why i said it yeah come on cadbury's i mean it's not much to ask you know a retired nurse devoted

23:18a whole life to the care of dental nurse is it oh well all right then uh you know a dental nurse

23:24spend her whole life chatting to people and providing pink water should be able to eat her

23:30preferred chocolate wafer as long as she brushes her teeth afterwards well she'll know that she will

23:35know so as you can see jillian was in desperate need of a mental health boost and i intend to give

23:41it to her right now she's away on a coach trip leaving me and a few willing volunteers 24 hours to

23:48make a difference to her mental health by sprucing up her terrible house right i'm here with two

23:57strippers no not that kind you wouldn't want these two taking their clothes off while staring into your

24:03eyes uh maybe you would maybe you would all right lads yeah good great yeah just stripping wallpaper eh

24:12yep there

24:21oh i'll leave you to it then yeah no slacking tea breaks every hour keep my eye on you two

24:27i later learned this decorator was fitted with a catheter which needed emptying every hour but

24:33that does not explain why his friend had to go too come on gather 18 hours later and the renovation is

24:40complete margaret thatcher would be proud of you which means i am proud of you because you work for

24:47absolutely nothing don't forget you're the cogs without you the machine stops working

24:54but keep that under your hat yeah wouldn't want it getting around but seriously though you know if

25:00whatever you do for a living someone from a union comes up and starts bending your ear about

25:03working conditions just tell the bods upstairs leave it to them and give yourselves a round of applause

25:08oh no you don't come out until i say surprise yeah you've done it so badly when we've practiced it

25:20jillian yes julian groves yes surprise

25:32jillian uh you wrote to me several years ago when i was a dj at north norfolk digital

25:36i wrote to lots of people okay well i haven't forgotten you and we decided today it was time to

25:41give you something you won't forget a brand new house you've bought me a house no we've

25:46taken a room in your old house and made it look made it seem like it doesn't matter about that you

25:51come with me island partridge that's right so let's have a look at your new home walk into your house

25:59this was her lounge before but now

26:05here you go thank you

26:18wow i think we like this

26:23yeah yeah you're all right you're all right hey lovely isn't it it's marvellous

26:31is it finished on time and on budget are the walls just gonna be white gonna be white they are

26:38white it's a bit different from what it was before yeah difference good i like change is that

26:44my chair out there uh in the skip that's your old chair you've got a nice brand new chair it's

26:50good to change things jillian where's my little horse pulling a cart with barrels on it oh you mean

26:57the ceramic horse pulling the miniature beer barrels yeah i've got to say jillian that that was

27:02pretty horrible i think most most people thought that oh i liked it you didn't like it jillian you

27:11were just used to it i i would love to live here i really would change is always unsettling but in the

27:22end after each volunteer had spoken to maureen separately we managed to make her see that she

27:27did like the new room after all who told you i'd like this and so thanks to these exciting new

27:34experiences i've learned for better mental health i need to seize the day make your lives extraordinary

27:40and i hope others will seize the day too together we can all be caesars which is the name of a gay

27:46sawler in norwich fast dismissed

28:03see

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