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FunTranscript
00:00Welcome to Have I Got News.
00:30For you, I'm Roy Wood Jr.
00:32In the news this week, senior citizen demonstrates the effect of Tylenol.
00:39Nothing bad can happen. It can only good happen.
00:42American public still looking for the Epstein files.
00:49Mike Johnson sends new alert to his son.
00:52Simply start from the base of the rump, rubbing your way out, and follow it to its natural conclusion.
00:58On Amber's team tonight, you know him from his stand-up and a little program called The Daily Show.
01:03For me, he'll always be the guy that showed me where the bathroom was on my first day.
01:07It's Louis Black.
01:12And joining Michael, she's the political commentator, author, and host of The Joy Reid Show.
01:18Tonight, she's the joy to Louis' anger.
01:21It's Joy Reid.
01:27Amber, Louis, I'm going to show you a couple of clips.
01:30You watch the clips, and you tell me what's the story.
01:34This story is about flags and how you feel.
01:38Oh, escalators.
01:39Now, that's for lazy people.
01:41Speaking of lazy people, yo ass reading this teleprompter.
01:44Um, drugs, this is my favorite.
01:48Oh, call me the homie.
01:50All of those things are things that Trump is mad at right now.
01:55Yes, the story is President Trump keeps making new enemies.
01:59It all started at the United Nations General Assembly here in New York,
02:02where as soon as the president arrived, he locked horns with a powerful adversary.
02:07President Trump, why did you cancel the meeting with Chuck Schumer?
02:17It's like the escalator new.
02:20You're like, oh, no, I heard about your ass.
02:24That wasn't the end of it.
02:26Uh, Trump had all types of technical difficulties at the U.N.
02:28Thank you very much.
02:30Very much appreciated.
02:37And I don't mind making this speech without a teleprompter
02:42because the teleprompter is not working.
02:48I feel very happy to be up here with you, nevertheless.
02:52And that way you speak more from the heart.
02:56I can only say that whoever's operating this teleprompter is in big trouble.
03:01Hello, madam, first lady.
03:19That's what you're supposed to do as a comic.
03:21When you're trying to buy time, give it up for the ladies.
03:23What's going on?
03:25Hey, what's your name? Melania?
03:26Good to meet you.
03:28Oh, wow.
03:28Anyway, have y'all seen the Marlon Wayans football movie?
03:32It's crazy out there.
03:33I would have thought there'd be more pointing out different ethnicities.
03:37You think he can tell the difference in types of blacks?
03:40Right.
03:41Wait, there's different types?
03:46Now, we...
03:48Now, we all saw how Trump's day started.
03:54How did he respond to escalator gate?
03:58He wasn't happy.
04:00But what was nice about what we just saw, that was the best part of his speech that day.
04:06You might say he escalated it.
04:09Oh, damn.
04:10There.
04:14Now, when I say some corny shit later on, y'all better clap for that.
04:18The answer, uh, the escalator broke, and for that, Trump wants heads to roll.
04:25Trump posted and said, quote,
04:26First, the escalator going up to the main speaking floor came to a screeching halt.
04:31It stopped on a dime.
04:32It's amazing that Melania and I didn't fall forward onto the sharp edges of these steel steps.
04:38Face first.
04:39It was only that we were each holding the handrail tightly, or it would have been a disaster.
04:45This was absolutely sabotage.
04:48The people that did it should be arrested.
04:53Thank God Melania was in front of me so I could fall safely onto her body.
04:58As the stare impaled her soft skin.
05:01That she does not allow me to touch.
05:07Here's Fox News' Jesse Waters.
05:10Yeah, they sabotaged him.
05:11Yeah.
05:12And they could have hurt the first lady.
05:15Trump would have fallen and he would have gotten back up, but, you know.
05:17They would have blamed it on his rhetoric.
05:20And then they sabotaged the teleprompter.
05:23Yeah.
05:23I mean, this is an insurrection.
05:26And what we need to do is either leave the UN, or we need to bomb it.
05:33This is worse than January 6th.
05:37Which was a hoax.
05:38Can you just blow up the UN like a Venezuelan boat?
05:44Yeah.
05:47We've never been at a point in time where that would seem to be possible, and that you would
05:51ask the question, and I would fucking answer it.
05:56Now, escalators and teleprompters weren't the only thing that the White House was complaining
05:59about this week.
06:00Question.
06:01Who else is the White House taking revenge on this week?
06:06Comey.
06:08Okay.
06:08Let's see if that's the answer.
06:10This is CNN Breaking News.
06:14And we are following major breaking news tonight as former FBI Director James Comey is now the
06:20first senior government official to face charges in one of President Trump's biggest grievances,
06:26the 2016 Russia investigation.
06:28So on Thursday night, a federal grand jury charged former FBI Director James Comey with
06:33one count of making a false statement and one count of obstruction of a congressional proceeding
06:39in his testimony about Russian interference in the 2016 election.
06:44What is it that the DOJ is saying that Comey lied about?
06:48I can't keep track.
06:49What is so difficult about this to follow, Amber?
06:53The escalator broke.
06:55Somebody has to die.
06:57The teleprompter broke.
06:59Somebody has to die.
07:01Nine years ago, James Comey said to Donald Trump, it's a pleasure to meet you.
07:05Allegedly, uh, when Senator Ted Cruz asked Comey if he'd okayed an FBI employee to discuss
07:16the Russia investigation with a reporter, Comey said he didn't.
07:21And the charges against Comey say that he lied about that.
07:25First of all, I don't know whether he did or he didn't.
07:26But if that's the standard that we're indicting people for, has the DOJ met any of Trump's
07:35nominees who get up and testify and lie their asses off?
07:41RFK sat there and lied and lied and lied.
07:45If that's the standard, they're all going to jail.
07:49And I'm okay with that.
07:50The indictment may have come to a surprise to a lot of people, but one person the indictment
07:57was not a surprise to was Comey himself.
08:00Uh, Comey seemed ready because the same night he was charged, he released this video.
08:05My family and I have known for years that there are costs to standing up to Donald Trump.
08:10We will not live on our knees, and you shouldn't either.
08:13My heart is broken for the Department of Justice, but I have great confidence in the federal
08:19judicial system, and I'm innocent.
08:22So let's have a trial and keep the faith.
08:25If you're up for an indictment, you've got to record the landscape.
08:28You can't be in portrait.
08:33The shit looked like a cameo.
08:35I thought...
08:35Hey, it's James Comey.
08:38Wish you a happy barman's foot.
08:39Uh, how did we all hear about President Trump's plan to prosecute the former FBI director?
08:47Donald Trump posted a crazy tweet, but it's on Truth Social that nobody reads except all
08:52of the media that reposts his Truth Social posts on their Twitter.
08:56So you're saying if nobody reposted his Truth Social, then nobody would even see it?
09:00Correct.
09:00Yeah.
09:01So the media's complicit in spreading Trump's message?
09:04Every day.
09:06Yes, points to Joy.
09:08You're correct on that.
09:09We knew it was coming down the pipe because Trump accidentally posted what was supposed to
09:13be a DM on the main feed.
09:17Overnight, an extraordinary statement from President Trump.
09:20It appeared to be a direct message to his Attorney General, Pam Bondi, but it was posted
09:26on Truth Social for the world to see, pressuring her to prosecute his political enemies.
09:31The president wrote in part, Pam, I have reviewed over 30 statements and posts saying that essentially
09:38same old story as last time, all talk, no action, nothing is being done.
09:44We can't delay any longer.
09:46It's killing our reputation and credibility.
09:49They impeached me twice.
09:50They indicted me five times over nothing.
09:54Justice must be served now.
09:57See, I'm old enough to remember when that thing right there was an impeachable offense.
10:01What I'm saying is I'm older than eight months old because that's how.
10:06You mean sending something that you think you're sending on a social message board, only
10:13you send it as a direct message.
10:15Oh, you send it in the open and not a direct message.
10:17Yeah.
10:18That, to me, is the impeachable offense.
10:22There are synapses.
10:24That's a word I've rarely used in people's heads, and his have a tendency to be scattered.
10:33So it's supposed to go this way and go, it's going out as this, Donald.
10:38And the, but that's, it doesn't go that way.
10:41It's, fuck you.
10:43We're going that way.
10:45And then on top of all of that, Pam Bondi had Trump's former personal attorney, Lindsey
10:50Halligan, sworn in as an interim U.S. attorney just to prosecute James Comey.
10:56What do we know about new interim U.S. attorney, Lindsey Halligan?
11:00There she is.
11:01Maybe it's Maybelline.
11:03She's in the Trump administration, so in, like, three months, she's going to look busted.
11:09She's never, she's never prosecuted anybody.
11:12I've done more.
11:15The other piece that people are forgetting is the guy who had that job refused to do it
11:20and had to resign because he said there's nothing to prosecute James Comey for, and he's
11:24actually an expert.
11:25Well, if she was never a prosecutor, what was her job?
11:28Her most recent job was restoring truth and sanity to American history by addressing the
11:34overemphasis on slavery at the Smithsonian Institution.
11:38Oh, shit.
11:41But here's Lindsey explaining her last trip to the museum.
11:46What I saw when I was going through the museums personally was an overemphasis on slavery,
11:50and I think there should be more of an overemphasis on how far we've come since slavery.
11:55Oh, yay.
11:58So, like, the bad part about slavery was the slaves.
12:01And I feel like there's too many slaves in slavery, you know what I mean?
12:06Chains, cute.
12:07Whips, fun.
12:09The slaves, eh.
12:12Either way, Lindsey Halligan is now the U.S. attorney prosecuting James Comey.
12:17So are the charges going to stick?
12:21That's why he made a video in portrait, because he's like, I don't have a problem.
12:24That lady's prosecuting him.
12:25He's going to be fine.
12:27The legal brief, which I can't read any of that shit, is two sentences.
12:33And that's it.
12:35No.
12:38If they can prosecute him on something that fickle, do you think that opens it up for other prosecutions
12:43of, like, other liberals and stuff?
12:45Well, I think once Trump has indicted one of his political enemies, he's got it out of
12:49his system.
12:52Smooth sailing from here on out.
12:54It doesn't sound like Trump is done.
12:56Here's what he said on Friday morning when asked if he's going after people on his enemies list.
13:04It's not a list, but I think there'll be others.
13:06I mean, they're corrupt.
13:07These were corrupt, radical-left Democrats.
13:11Because Comey essentially was a...
13:13He's worse than a Democrat.
13:14I would say the Democrats are better than Comey.
13:17But, no, there'll be others.
13:20So there is a list.
13:22Do you go...
13:23Do you think you're one of the people on Trump's list?
13:27Me?
13:27Yeah.
13:28I think that his primary anger is the people in his first term that he feels betrayed him.
13:34We just get fired.
13:35Right.
13:36And he's got to go through a lot of stuff before we're fired.
13:38So I'm safe for a little while?
13:40Oh, you are safe.
13:44Well, don't say it like that.
13:47You make it seem like I'm not even on his radar.
13:50I could be on his radar.
13:51Oh, boy.
13:53He hates you.
13:54Yeah.
13:54Yeah.
13:55The president hates your guts, little buddy.
13:58He doesn't.
13:59What else landed in the administration's crosshairs this week?
14:04Tylenol.
14:06Let's see.
14:07Tylenol.
14:07Tylenol.
14:08Tylenol.
14:09Tylenol.
14:09Tylenol.
14:10The Tylenol situation.
14:12I think we found the answer to autism.
14:15And what was that?
14:16Tylenol?
14:17Really?
14:19Tylenol.
14:21Just a quick note.
14:23We're using the brand name Tylenol here,
14:26but the drug's actual name is acetaminophen,
14:29which some people apparently have a hard time saying.
14:33The FDA will be notifying physicians at the use of acetaminophen.
14:38Well, let's see how we say that.
14:43Acetaminophen.
14:45Acetaminophen.
14:45Acetaminophen.
14:46Is that okay?
14:49Acetaminophen.
14:49Acetaminophen.
14:50Acetaminophen.
14:52Acetaminophen.
14:53Acetaminophen.
14:54No.
14:56Showing my age,
14:57wasn't Tylenol the drug that they,
15:01uh,
15:01somebody put poison in?
15:03And you know what they found out?
15:04You know who that was?
15:05RFK.
15:05On Monday,
15:08Trump flanked by RFK Jr.
15:10and Dr. Oz
15:11announced that the FDA
15:13will begin,
15:15quote,
15:15strongly recommending
15:17that women limit Tylenol use
15:19during pregnancy
15:19unless medically necessary,
15:22out of concern
15:22that it may contribute
15:24to children developing autism.
15:26And Trump definitely consulted the experts.
15:29Uh,
15:29here he is talking about vaccines
15:31in that same speech.
15:33The MMR I think should be taken separately.
15:35This is based on
15:36what I feel.
15:39I need a minute to weep.
15:44That's really...
15:47It's just...
15:48Hey,
15:49that's what being on this show is.
15:53Really?
15:53It's constant sadness.
15:56After that Tylenol announcement,
15:58the World Health Organization
16:00called bullshit
16:01and the American College
16:02of Obstetricians
16:04and Gynecologists
16:05said the claims are,
16:06quote,
16:06irresponsible
16:07and not backed
16:08by the full body
16:09of scientific evidence
16:11and those groups
16:12weren't alone
16:12in their concern.
16:14Who else pushed back
16:15and said that Tylenol
16:17is safe
16:18for pregnant women?
16:19Mr. Tylenol.
16:20Oh, God.
16:21It was Dr. Oz.
16:24Oh, God.
16:24The next day,
16:25Oz did an interview
16:26with TMZ,
16:27which is where I get
16:28all of my medical news.
16:30Take it when it's appropriate.
16:32We don't have
16:32a lot of other options
16:33as pregnant women.
16:34No,
16:34lots of the typical things
16:36you would take
16:37for aches and pains
16:37and fevers
16:38are not a permissible product
16:41to be used during pregnancy.
16:42Acidaminophen
16:43is probably your best option,
16:44but take it
16:45when you really need it.
16:46That's not the problem.
16:47He's going to get indicted.
16:48He's going to get indicted.
16:50The story is,
16:51if America can hold on
16:53until 2028...
16:55Nothing bad can happen.
16:56It can only good happen.
17:00Michael and Joy,
17:10watch the clip.
17:11Tell me,
17:12what is the story?
17:13Okay.
17:13Chuck Schumer
17:14and Donald Trump
17:15yelling at Chuck Schumer
17:16as usual.
17:17There's the Capitol
17:17and we're not open anymore.
17:20We're closed.
17:21Oh, I know what this is.
17:22Jimmy Kimmel's ratings
17:23are going through the roof.
17:25This doesn't feel
17:26like a single story to me
17:28because it looks like
17:29we're talking about
17:29the government closing
17:30and then Jimmy Kimmel
17:32returning to air
17:32and I don't know
17:33how those two things
17:34are related.
17:36Nor do I.
17:38The story is,
17:39if Congress can't
17:40get their act together,
17:41the government
17:41will shut down
17:42on Wednesday.
17:44But they got a couple days.
17:45They got a couple days
17:46and it's easy peasy.
17:48You can do that.
17:49It's the schedule
17:49of the meeting.
17:50Right.
17:50Not why can't they
17:52agree on deal points.
17:53Because Republicans
17:54have to ask
17:55Donald Trump's permission
17:56to get together.
17:57He controls
17:58their every move
17:58and so they can't do it
18:00unless he tells them to
18:01and he instructs them
18:02and they do what he says.
18:03And the Democrats,
18:04well.
18:06No comment.
18:09When a black woman
18:09cut herself off
18:10didn't blink.
18:17Listen at how Trump
18:18pulled out of
18:19scheduled negotiations
18:20with Democratic leaders.
18:21President Trump
18:22is canceling plans
18:23to meet with top Democrats
18:24to hammer out a deal.
18:26President Trump wrote,
18:27quote,
18:27after reviewing the details
18:29of the unserious
18:30and ridiculous demands
18:31made by the minority
18:32radical left Democrats
18:34in return for their votes
18:35to keep our thriving
18:37country open,
18:38I've decided that
18:39no meeting
18:40with their congressional leaders
18:41could possibly
18:42be productive.
18:44That statement is
18:45psychotic.
18:48Here's my problem.
18:49minority radical left,
18:51okay?
18:53All six of them?
18:57When did they come up
18:58with the fact
18:59that there's this
19:00radical left?
19:01Chuck Schumer
19:02is the president
19:03of Antifa.
19:04Don't you know that was?
19:06According to Donald Trump,
19:07Democrats are demanding
19:08free health care
19:10for illegal immigrants,
19:12dead people
19:13on the Medicaid rolls.
19:14I agree with that.
19:16And of course,
19:17Democrats are
19:18demanding this.
19:20They want to have
19:21transgender for everybody?
19:23These people are crazy,
19:24the Democrats.
19:25Wait, wait, wait.
19:26I could get a transgender?
19:27I was just going to say
19:28for everybody?
19:29I'll take one.
19:30I'll take one too.
19:31All right.
19:33What are we getting
19:33into transgender?
19:34Does it mean we all
19:34get a trans surgery
19:35or do you get
19:35a trans person
19:36and just like
19:36kick it with?
19:37Like, what?
19:38That's what I thought
19:38was a friend, right?
19:39A transgender homie.
19:41That means
19:41one for each of us.
19:42Yes.
19:44I think this is what
19:45Trump thinks
19:47Democrats want.
19:48Men to woman,
19:49a woman to men.
19:51Man to woman.
19:52From penis to vagina.
19:55A woman,
19:56woman to man.
19:58I think that's what
19:59every Republican thinks
20:00elementary school is
20:01right now.
20:02Also, what the fuck
20:03movie was that?
20:07That's the Wayans
20:07Brothers football film,
20:08I think.
20:10That is not the
20:11Marlon Wayans
20:12football movie.
20:13Amelia Perez.
20:14It got like 12,
20:1613 Oscar noms.
20:17Yeah, it was great.
20:18Is Trump's accusation
20:19fair?
20:20You can't hear the
20:21Democrats when they
20:22speak.
20:23So he's just making
20:24the shit up for them.
20:26Because when Chuck
20:27Schumer speaks,
20:27he goes,
20:28so I'm going to do
20:29this.
20:30And then,
20:32and then he comes
20:32out and he said,
20:33well, you heard him
20:34and this is what
20:35he said.
20:37None of the things
20:38Trump mentioned are
20:39on the Democrats'
20:40list of demands.
20:42In fact,
20:43shockingly,
20:43so far the Democrats
20:44seem to be sticking
20:46to their guns.
20:47Does anyone know
20:48how the White House
20:49is responding to
20:50the Democrats
20:51finally standing up
20:52to them?
20:53Indicting them?
20:54The Trump
20:54administration is
20:55responding with
20:56threats.
20:57Specifically,
20:58the White House
20:58is saying that in
20:59the case of a
21:00potential shutdown,
21:01agencies should prepare
21:02for mass firings.
21:05That's been their
21:05whole thing.
21:06Yeah,
21:06they've already done
21:07that.
21:07I didn't know
21:07this part of this
21:08story.
21:09And every time
21:10I come to work,
21:12I really do think
21:13I know it.
21:14What's so funny to me
21:15is you get your news
21:17from this show.
21:20It happens to me
21:21in real time.
21:23The Democrats
21:24are banking on the fact
21:25that President Trump
21:26will be blamed
21:27for a government
21:28shutdown.
21:28And to be honest,
21:29they've been told
21:30that on pretty
21:31good authority.
21:32Here's the one guy
21:33who doesn't mind
21:34blaming the president.
21:35If there is a
21:36shutdown,
21:37I think it would be
21:37a tremendously
21:39negative mark
21:40on the president
21:40of the United States.
21:41But only if they're
21:42black.
21:42If they're black
21:42or Democrat.
21:44But the Democrats
21:45might have a little
21:46more help soon.
21:47A few weeks ago,
21:48Democrats won
21:48a special election
21:50in Virginia.
21:50And on Tuesday,
21:52they added another
21:53seat when Democrat
21:54Adeletta Grijalva
21:56won her late father's
21:57house seat in Arizona.
21:59Now,
21:59what has she said
22:00is the first thing
22:02she will do
22:03when she gets in office?
22:04They need one signature
22:06to get the Epstein
22:07files released.
22:09And she has said,
22:10I'm going to be
22:10that signature.
22:11Oh, yes.
22:12On my very first
22:14day in office,
22:15I will be
22:16the decisive
22:17218th
22:19signature.
22:21So,
22:22who is doing
22:23any and everything
22:25they can
22:26to stop
22:27the release
22:27of the files?
22:29Pam Bondi.
22:30Pam Bondi.
22:30Pam on the show?
22:31Surprisingly,
22:32the answer
22:33is Donald Trump.
22:34Trump is reportedly
22:35scrambling
22:36to get Marjorie Taylor
22:37Green,
22:37Lauren Boebert,
22:39and Nancy Mace
22:40to remove
22:40their signatures
22:41from the petition.
22:43Yes,
22:44Trump doing
22:44what he does best,
22:45pressuring women.
22:48I mean,
22:48one of the craziest
22:49stories of the year
22:50is those three women
22:52being the voice
22:53of reason
22:53on the Epstein files.
22:54Like,
22:55that's crazy,
22:55but they are.
22:56And of course,
22:57there was a victory
22:58for free speech
22:59this week
23:00when Jimmy Kimmel
23:01returned to the air.
23:04How did Donald Trump
23:07take Jimmy Kimmel's
23:08return?
23:09He said,
23:10you know what?
23:11Fair is fair.
23:11Trump got on
23:14Truth Social
23:14and typed this message,
23:16quote,
23:16I can't believe
23:17ABC fake news
23:18gave Jimmy Kimmel
23:19his job back.
23:20The White House
23:21was told by ABC
23:22that his show
23:23was canceled.
23:25I'm old enough
23:25to remember
23:26when that would have
23:26been an impeachable
23:27offense.
23:28Sure.
23:29Maybe you don't
23:30put it in writing
23:31that you messaged
23:32the network
23:32and said,
23:33make sure you cancel
23:34on me.
23:35Kimmel's return
23:36to air did not
23:37come easily,
23:37though.
23:38There was a lot
23:38of public outcry.
23:40There was boycotts.
23:41There was threats.
23:41While Jimmy technically
23:42came back on the air
23:43on Tuesday,
23:45that wasn't true
23:46everywhere at the
23:47beginning of the week.
23:48Panel, why is that?
23:49Because Sinclair,
23:51which is just
23:52a fabulous
23:53disseminator
23:54of bullshit,
23:56and Nextar,
23:58which I'd never
23:59heard of,
24:00Sinclair,
24:01basically,
24:01they're a very,
24:02very conservative
24:03news group,
24:05which is all the
24:06things that they're
24:06yelling about
24:07in terms of
24:08the liberal
24:09news thing.
24:10Now we're going
24:11to have a conservative
24:12news thing,
24:13and that's what
24:13they've done,
24:14and they've punished.
24:15They've been sure
24:16to punish.
24:17And by the way,
24:18they made sure
24:19that their stations
24:21in New York
24:22and D.C.
24:23didn't air it,
24:24because it seemed
24:24like it was
24:25kind of personal.
24:25They wanted to make
24:26sure that poor
24:26Donald Trump,
24:27with his little
24:28feelings,
24:29didn't see
24:30Jimmy Kimmel
24:30back on the air
24:31if he was in
24:32New York or D.C.
24:33Trump did end
24:34the post
24:35with a heartfelt
24:35sentiment.
24:36He called ABC,
24:37quote,
24:38A True Bunch
24:38of Losers,
24:39and said,
24:41let Jimmy Kimmel
24:42rot in his
24:43bad ratings.
24:44And about those
24:45bad ratings,
24:46Jimmy Kimmel's show
24:47drew 6.2 million
24:50viewers,
24:51and the return
24:52to air monologue
24:53currently has
24:54over 21 million
24:55views on YouTube,
24:57and that's with
24:58over 20%
24:59of the affiliates
25:00in the country
25:00at that time
25:01refusing to air
25:02the show.
25:03Now,
25:04on Friday,
25:05this happened.
25:05Sinclair says
25:06it will end
25:07its boycott
25:08of Jimmy Kimmel Live,
25:09and the show
25:10will return
25:10this evening
25:11on its ABC
25:11affiliate stations.
25:13Sinclair is
25:13acknowledging
25:14that it wanted
25:15and made
25:15demands from
25:16Disney,
25:17and it's not
25:17getting them.
25:21And shortly
25:22thereafter,
25:22Nextar announced
25:23that Kimmel
25:24would also return
25:25to their stations.
25:27So,
25:27why do you
25:28think they folded?
25:28I can tell you
25:29having worked
25:29in local news,
25:30and we would
25:30have literally
25:31a major car accident
25:33that interrupted
25:33people's stories
25:34at that local network,
25:36and the calls
25:36we got from
25:37women at home
25:38who were sitting
25:38home waiting
25:38for their stories
25:39to come on,
25:40they would literally
25:40threaten to burn
25:41down the station.
25:42So,
25:42therefore,
25:43you really can't
25:44cancel people's
25:44favorite shows.
25:45The viewers
25:45really do react.
25:46They really do get mad,
25:47and I think
25:48these local stations
25:48were like,
25:49bring back Kimmel,
25:50save us, please.
25:51I'd also heard
25:52that they were
25:53talking about
25:54maybe taking
25:54Monday Night Football.
25:56What you're not
25:56going to do in the South
25:57is deny people
25:58football.
25:59they give up
26:00the morals
26:01real fast.
26:04While Jimmy Kimmel
26:05is a duplicitous
26:06radical liberal,
26:08and we will not
26:09stand for,
26:09you're going to
26:10take Alabama football?
26:11Wait a minute.
26:13Let's talk turkey here.
26:15What's it going to take?
26:16Yeah,
26:17this week,
26:17everything's coming up
26:18Kimmel,
26:19or as CNN analyst
26:20Harry Enton
26:21put it.
26:22If Donald Trump's
26:23idea was to give
26:24Jimmy Kimmel
26:25more press
26:25and more viewership,
26:27he absolutely did so.
26:28Wait,
26:28so you get
26:29more ratings
26:30if you get
26:30canceled,
26:31then you come
26:31back from the
26:31cancel this show.
26:36Say some of the
26:37shit you say
26:37in the hall.
26:43So the story is
26:44if Congress
26:45really wants
26:46to avoid
26:46that shutdown,
26:47the two sides
26:48are actually
26:48going to have
26:49to get together
26:50and talk like
26:51this.
26:54Really?
26:5513 Oscar
26:56nominations?
26:56So good.
26:57It was so good.
26:58We'll be right
26:58back.
26:59Welcome back to
27:09Have I Got News
27:10for you.
27:11It's time
27:11for the
27:12Offendo-meter.
27:12Teams have to tell us
27:13who's the offender,
27:14what they did,
27:16and who they
27:16offended.
27:18Let's see
27:18your offender.
27:19Oh,
27:21everybody's like,
27:22everybody went,
27:23ooh.
27:25Y'all so
27:26Gavin Newsom
27:27thirsty.
27:29That is
27:29California governor
27:31and Silver Fox
27:32Zoolander,
27:33Gavin Newsom.
27:35Who did he
27:36offend,
27:36though?
27:37Whoever hates
27:38that kind of
27:39hair care product.
27:40It's massive.
27:42He uses a massive
27:43amount of shit
27:44who's here.
27:45Master.
27:46He's like a hater
27:47for a second now.
27:48I'm just kind
27:49of astonished
27:50that you're going to
27:50get away
27:51with that much
27:52fucking product
27:53in your hair.
27:53Newsom offended
27:54Homeland Security
27:55Secretary Christy
27:56Noem.
27:57How did Newsom
27:58offend Noem?
28:00Brought up
28:00the dog she killed,
28:01the puppy.
28:02Newsom offended
28:03Noem last week
28:04when he tweeted,
28:05quote,
28:05Christy Noem's
28:06going to have
28:06a bad day today.
28:08You're welcome,
28:09America.
28:12What does that
28:12even mean?
28:13Yeah,
28:13what does that mean?
28:13Newsom's tweet
28:14was referring
28:15to a new bill
28:16in California
28:16that bars ICE agents
28:19from wearing masks
28:20in that state.
28:21But that's not
28:22how Noem took it.
28:24Well,
28:24it was cryptic
28:25and it was really
28:26menacing.
28:28I would say,
28:28Sean,
28:29it immediately
28:29panicked my family
28:30and friends.
28:31She doesn't have
28:32friends.
28:34Come on.
28:35This week,
28:36New York Magazine
28:37published a deeply
28:39reported piece
28:40about Noem's tenure
28:41at Homeland Security,
28:43including rumors
28:44that someone else
28:45is actually running
28:47DHS.
28:49Who is the person
28:50actually running
28:51DHS?
28:52Animal,
28:53the drum player
28:54from The Muppets.
28:57Noem's the face,
28:58but someone else
28:59is pulling the strings.
29:00Who's pulling the strings?
29:01Heinrich Himmler?
29:03Any guesses,
29:05Joy?
29:05I was also going
29:06to say Heinrich Himmler.
29:06It's rumored
29:09DHS is actually run
29:10by Trump 2016
29:12campaign manager
29:13Corey Lewandowski,
29:15seen here yelling
29:15at a Build-A-Bear employee,
29:17you can't handle
29:18the truth.
29:20According to one
29:20former DHS contractor,
29:22Corey Lewandowski
29:23is running DHS
29:25and Christy Noem
29:26is just the face of it.
29:28That's her boyfriend,
29:29by the way.
29:29That's what I've heard.
29:31They're both married,
29:32by the way, Amber.
29:33Have I got news for you
29:34is where rumors start?
29:36Oh, we didn't start it.
29:37Here's a small segment
29:38called,
29:39Who Fuckin'?
29:40That is true.
29:45That's part of the rumor
29:46as to why
29:46Noem might actually
29:48be okay with having
29:49a different person
29:50run the company
29:51because it is rumored
29:52that they are doing it.
29:54And yes,
29:55they are both married.
29:56Noem and Lewandowski,
29:57quote,
29:58are widely understood
29:59by those who work with them
30:01to be romantically attached.
30:03Lewandowski has also
30:04been photographed
30:05leaving Christy's home
30:06with a duffel bag.
30:07How much money in that?
30:09And Trump's advisors
30:11have witnessed him
30:12slapping Noem
30:14on the butt.
30:15You know,
30:16if you're slapping
30:17somebody on the butt,
30:18that don't mean
30:18that y'all have sex.
30:19You might just be teammates.
30:20Maybe you're just teammates.
30:21Yeah, good deportation.
30:24But teammates don't
30:24have a hoe bag.
30:25If he's walking out
30:26with a hoe bag...
30:27It's called
30:28a gentleman's satchel.
30:29Sorry.
30:32The New York Magazine
30:33piece also says
30:34that Noem lobbied hard
30:36to be Trump's VP pick
30:38in 2024.
30:39Does anyone know
30:40why Trump did not
30:41pick Christy Noem?
30:43Because she's a dog killer,
30:44a puppy killer.
30:45Where do you find
30:46this shit?
30:49She's Joy Reid.
30:50She be doing
30:50the journalism.
30:51I know,
30:51but God damn it,
30:52you need a research staff
30:54out there
30:55going through a paper
30:57day after day
30:58after day
30:59to get to the point
31:01where you find out
31:02that asshole
31:03didn't pick her
31:04as the vice president
31:05because
31:07she killed her dog.
31:09I mean,
31:10I can't keep up with it.
31:12It's so adorable
31:13that Lewis thinks
31:14there are still newspapers.
31:16Oh, yeah.
31:16New York Magazine
31:18says people close
31:19to Trump
31:20were worried
31:20about her
31:21and Lewandowski's
31:22alleged romantic
31:23involvement,
31:24but he ultimately
31:25didn't pick her
31:26because of the
31:28unfortunate story
31:29of shooting
31:29a disobedient puppy
31:30named Cricket
31:31on the family farm.
31:33Trump said,
31:34quote,
31:35that's not good
31:36at all
31:36to his son,
31:38Don Jr.
31:38He said,
31:39even you wouldn't
31:40kill a dog
31:41and you kill
31:43everything.
31:46Deer,
31:47elephants,
31:48ducks,
31:48you kill everything.
31:49You kill vibes
31:50at parties,
31:50but not ducks.
31:52Bro,
31:52you killed that kilo
31:53the other night.
31:54That was the
31:56Fend-O-Meter.
32:09Welcome back.
32:10It's time
32:11for Missing Words.
32:14Here's your headline.
32:15San Francisco's
32:16new entertainment draw.
32:18Blank.
32:19Virtual eating.
32:21What?
32:22San Francisco
32:24technology.
32:25Okay.
32:25Virtual.
32:26Big on that.
32:27They don't eat.
32:29It's virtual eating.
32:31They show you
32:31a picture
32:32and you lick it.
32:35San Francisco's
32:37new entertainment draw,
32:38AI robot fights.
32:40You were close.
32:41I was close.
32:42Yeah.
32:43Son of a bitch.
32:45Get no fucking respect.
32:48An underground
32:48robot fight club
32:50has popped up
32:50in the Bay Area
32:51where engineers
32:52and tech workers
32:53meet on Friday nights
32:54to watch
32:55whatever the hell
32:57this is.
33:00Station.
33:01Station.
33:02Come on.
33:03Right.
33:04I think you have it.
33:06Wow.
33:06My question is,
33:07why is it an underground club?
33:09Like, there's nothing
33:09illegal about this, right?
33:11I just think
33:11when they become self-aware,
33:12they're going to kill us all.
33:13Not punching like that.
33:14They're not.
33:16Float like a butterfly,
33:18sting like a
33:18flammable lithium-ion battery.
33:20How much would y'all pay
33:23to watch
33:24some of these robots fight?
33:25Would you go to
33:26AI robot fighting?
33:27I'd rather go
33:28to a virtual eating club.
33:32Tickets cost
33:33100 bucks a piece.
33:34Wow.
33:35But you can
33:36bring a friend.
33:37You get a plus one.
33:39If you're paying
33:40$100 to watch
33:41underground rock'em
33:42sock'em robots,
33:43you do not have a friend.
33:44Here's your headline.
33:48Blank and blank
33:49flight attendant
33:51let himself down.
33:52Oh!
33:53Drunk and high.
33:54You're halfway home.
33:55High is one of them.
33:56Okay.
33:57Mighty.
33:57Mighty.
33:57Mighty.
33:58Mighty.
33:58He's high and mighty.
33:59Mighty.
34:00Lewis, you've been high before.
34:02What else
34:02were you at the same time?
34:05Thirsty.
34:11Naked and high.
34:13A flight attendant
34:15let himself down.
34:17A flight attendant
34:17from British Airways
34:18was sentenced
34:19to six months in prison
34:20and 80 hours
34:22of volunteer work
34:23for an incident
34:24that happened
34:24earlier this year.
34:26According to court reports,
34:27the attendant's co-workers
34:29found him mid-flight
34:30quote,
34:31disheveled,
34:32pale,
34:33sweaty,
34:33and erratic.
34:34He locked himself
34:35in a bathroom
34:36and emerged
34:38quote,
34:38completely naked
34:39and oblivious
34:40to the fact
34:41that he did not have
34:43on any clothes.
34:44Naked flight attendant.
34:45At least he ain't
34:46come down the aisle
34:47offering nuts.
34:47And we're sure
34:59this was not
35:00RFK Jr.
35:02No,
35:03this person
35:03was working.
35:04Oh.
35:06Flight staff
35:07got the gentleman
35:08clothed and seated
35:09but even then
35:10prosecutors said
35:12the man
35:12had dilated pupils,
35:14was unable
35:15to answer
35:15what year it was
35:16and he drank
35:1715 to 20 bottles
35:19of water
35:20during the flight.
35:22The man fits.
35:23The man points.
35:25Tell him to give you points.
35:27Come up off the points, boy.
35:31Points.
35:34Here's your headline.
35:36Dolphins recognize
35:37friends
35:38by blank.
35:39Smell?
35:40Close.
35:41All I know
35:41about dolphins
35:42is they're super horny
35:43so I don't even
35:43want to answer this.
35:44You can't smell
35:45in water.
35:47What can you do
35:47in water?
35:48You're here.
35:48Taste it.
35:49Taste it.
35:49Ew.
35:50So what do they taste?
35:52Oh, urine?
35:52Like dolphin urine?
35:53Like dolphin urine?
35:57Dolphins recognize
35:58friends by tasting
35:59their piss.
36:00Ew.
36:01Wow.
36:02Which also,
36:03sidebar,
36:03if you're tasting
36:04somebody's piss,
36:05y'all are more
36:05than friends.
36:06Did you see that
36:09SeaWorld video
36:10when the dolphin
36:10was humping
36:11the trainer?
36:12That's what I'm saying.
36:12They're horny.
36:13And the dolphin
36:13was like out
36:14on the platform.
36:15It was like trying to...
36:16It was out of the water?
36:18Almost.
36:18It was trying to get it.
36:19It was using
36:20its flippers to like...
36:22Wow.
36:23Like when you want it,
36:24you're gonna go get it.
36:25Like he was...
36:26A paper published
36:27by those freaky deekies
36:29over there
36:30at Science Advances
36:31found that dolphins,
36:33quote,
36:33can identify
36:34other individual dolphins
36:36just through
36:37the taste
36:37of their pee
36:38and that while testing,
36:41dolphins kept
36:41their mouths open
36:42longer
36:43when encountering
36:44the urine
36:45of an individual
36:46that was familiar
36:47to them.
36:49Mm, no,
36:50that's...
36:50That's my dog,
36:53Keith.
36:53What up?
36:55That was Missing Words.
36:56More after the break.
36:57Welcome back.
37:10It's time for Live Curious.
37:12I'll give you three biographical details about a public figure,
37:15but only one is true.
37:16Time for three facts about Russian president Vladimir Putin,
37:21seen here with an amazing full head of hair.
37:24Our facts are, he's rumored to suffer from IBS.
37:28He's banned all Kidz Bop CDs and videos from Russia.
37:32He's been given dogs by six different world leaders.
37:36It has to be he banned Kidz Bop.
37:39Taking away joy from children, that's some Putin shit.
37:42I would go with one, because if you just look at the picture again,
37:44he definitely looks like he has to poop.
37:47Vladimir Putin has been given dogs by six different world leaders.
37:51Ukrainian president Zelensky has never given Putin a dog,
37:55but he has made Putin his bitch a couple of times.
37:58Why did Putin's bowel movements make headlines
38:01when he met with Trump in Alaska back in August?
38:05Because Trump said,
38:06this guy blasts the biggest dukes.
38:12A French newspaper was the first to report on Putin's poop briefcase,
38:17which allegedly travels abroad with the Russian delegation
38:21to ensure that their leader's feces do not fall into the wrong hands.
38:27Wow.
38:28Yes.
38:28Why do you think he just opens up the briefcase?
38:32He's afraid of it.
38:36The level of paranoia that something is going to be found in your poop,
38:41even when I was on LSD, I didn't get it.
38:45Time for three facts about pop icon
38:48and woman lobbying to start playing Christmas music
38:51right after the Fourth of July, Mariah Carey.
38:53Our facts are,
38:54she eats at least one packet of Welch's fruit snacks each day.
38:58She employs a former Secret Service agent to taste her food.
39:02She once went on a blind date with Cory Booker.
39:05Which one is the truth?
39:07Is it the Cory Booker one?
39:08I think the Cory Booker one.
39:09I think she eats at least one packet of Welch's fruit snacks each day.
39:13And the reason is because there was a packet of Welch's fruit snacks
39:17that you were just giving away in my dressing room.
39:21And I said, that's a clue.
39:27Mariah Carey once went on a blind date with Cory Booker.
39:32I think Cory is talking about it just a little bit.
39:34Years ago, I was set up on sort of a blind date with Mariah Carey.
39:38No.
39:39Yes.
39:40We laughed and had a good time.
39:42It was clearly not a love match.
39:43Uh-huh.
39:43Her brother or cousin was there, too.
39:45We have, we have, there were witnesses.
39:48Wow.
39:49Cory, if a girl bring her brother and her cousin on a date,
39:52it's not a date, man.
39:53I don't know what it is, but it's not a date.
39:56This has been like Curious Boy After the Break.
40:05Welcome back.
40:06It's time for Witch's Hire.
40:08I'll give you two unrelated numbers from the news.
40:12You tell me which is higher.
40:13The amount Disney's market value dropped
40:16between when they suspended Jimmy Kimmel
40:18and when they announced his return,
40:21or the most recent GDP of Aruba.
40:25Wow.
40:26I did an ad for Aruba.
40:29Get out.
40:29I'm serious.
40:30I turned the whole fucking country's economy around.
40:33I did.
40:35I did, like, four ads.
40:37Can you imagine a weirder spokesperson for Aruba than this fucker?
40:42It was why they hired me.
40:44It was like, you know, the guy who hates everything.
40:47It was at that moment when, you know...
40:49And they couldn't afford Larry David?
40:50Is that what happened?
40:51Is that like sweet spot?
40:51Is that like sweet spot?
40:51Uh-uh.
40:52Oh, wow.
40:59Let's get to the answer before he slapped your ass.
41:03Disney's market value dropped $6.4 billion
41:07while Jimmy Kimmel was off the air.
41:10And the GDP of Aruba is $3.65 billion.
41:15So the amount that Disney's market value dropped is higher.
41:20I want to thank our guests, Louis Black and Joy Reid.
41:25And, of course, thank you to our team captains,
41:29Amber Ruffin and Michael Ian Black.
41:31Before we sign off,
41:35here are a few more stories we're watching.
41:38Politician couldn't possibly have another jalapeno popper.
41:45Jeannie wishes for four more years in office.
41:52I'm Roy Wood Jr., and I'll see you next week
41:54for another episode of Have I Got News For You.
41:56And we still haven't seen all the Epstein files.
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