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00:01But you promised me, Jane.
00:03You said I would definitely get the role.
00:05You said I was an absolute shoo-in.
00:07I know, Toast. That's what they said to me, too.
00:09And then Bruce Willis expresses an interest
00:11and it's a whole new ballgame.
00:13Well, this is very embarrassing for me,
00:15having to go around looking like a tit.
00:18I mean, can't you sue them or something?
00:20Unfortunately not, because there was nothing in writing,
00:23but I'm going to make one very angry phone call.
00:26I mean, I won't be able to go out for six months.
00:28No, that is defeatism, Toast.
00:30You can still do voiceovers.
00:32In fact, I have you down for one this afternoon.
00:35Oh, those fuckers are going to love this.
00:42Nice outwear, dude.
00:43You what?
00:44Cool jacket, Stephen. Haven't seen one I like in a long while.
00:47What is that, vintage?
00:48No, it isn't bloody vintage.
00:50I got it from Clifton's in St James'.
00:52Fancy.
00:53It is fancy.
00:55You won't find one of these in Oxfam
00:56or whatever it is you pick up those clown outfits from.
00:58Cool.
00:59Yeah. All right, let's get on.
01:00What are we doing?
01:01Medical doc.
01:02Operation Blow by Blow.
01:03It's pretty squeamish stuff.
01:04Squeamish poppycock.
01:06They've just sent through the footage.
01:08Oh, Jesus. That's not nice.
01:10It's nothing I won't have seen before.
01:12Let's just get on.
01:13Hi, Stephen.
01:14This is Clem Fandango.
01:15Can you hear me?
01:16Come on then, Plato. Enlighten me.
01:18The footage is quite full on.
01:20If you'd rather record it wild without picture, it's totally doable.
01:23Yeah.
01:24No, I'll do it to picture.
01:25Run the tape.
01:26Okay.
01:27Coming at you, big guy.
01:29Head injuries are possibly the most critical and serious injury a qualified surgeon will
01:35ever have to attend to.
01:41A specially designed tool, not unlike a workman's masonry drill, is lowered onto the mark, ready to cut through the skull.
01:58The brain is now visible.
02:00Is everything all right, Stephen?
02:05Hope you haven't got sick, all over your nice new coat.
02:08Good evening.
02:09Good evening!
02:10Yeah!
02:12Good evening!
02:13By that evening, I was going to be open to PC.
02:14High school!
02:18The wind machine is going at full tilt.
02:40Everyone else had been blown off the bloody deck,
02:42but I held my ground to it and I delivered my speech in one take.
02:46I have to hand it to you, Axel.
02:49I don't think there's a finer actor in the country
02:52when it comes to performing in high winds.
02:54Well, I'm playing ship's captains and mad kings.
02:57Performing in gales and storms comes very much with the territory.
03:01Wind machines, rain machines, thunder and lightning machines,
03:04sleet machines...
03:06Tell me something. When you're performing in high winds,
03:08are you tethered to a mast in some way?
03:10No, no, no. The public would notice that immediately.
03:14It's all to do with technique.
03:16I look full on, but I usually stand at a very, very slight angle.
03:21Well, even Olivier used a safety harness.
03:23Yes, nice fellow. Used to be in the same lodge.
03:27I must invite you to a meeting.
03:30I'm guessing you're, uh, on the square?
03:33What square?
03:34I wouldn't work with an actor who wasn't in the Masons.
03:37Oh, the Masons. Oh, yes.
03:41Yes, of course.
03:42Uh, so what's this production that you're working on?
03:44TV adaptation of that Master and Commander film.
03:47Nice.
03:48Mm, they're promising me an absolute hurling gale.
03:52You know, Toast, I've heard it said that you, after me,
03:56are the best high winds actor in Britain.
04:00I mean, I'm good, but I don't think I'm in your league.
04:03True, but if anything should happen to me,
04:05you might find yourself getting a few more job offers.
04:10No, I think your position will be quite secure for some years to come.
04:13Cheers.
04:22I was just talking to Axel Jacklin in the Colonial Club.
04:26Apparently, he's a Mason.
04:28I see.
04:29You're not, uh, on the square, are you?
04:32Well, yes, most actors are.
04:33No, I'm not.
04:35Always found it quite ridiculous with the silly handshakes
04:38and pulling up your trans-elect to the judge.
04:40Don't knock it, Toast.
04:42Many men have escaped from a perilous situation
04:44by performing just such a ritual.
04:46I remember once I played a Bond girl when I was in Octopussy.
04:49You played a Bond girl?
04:50Yes, at tennis, during a break at Pinewood.
04:53Maude Adams.
04:54She wanted to play the full three sets.
04:57Cubby Broccoli came over and said,
04:58no, you only had to play one.
05:00He knew I was a Mason, you see.
05:02We performed the ritual and I had the rest of the afternoon off.
05:05What the hell are you talking about?
05:06Mind if I watch the midday news?
05:08Axel Jaclyn was well known for his many roles and costume dramas.
05:12No.
05:12His agent, Jane Plough, said it was a terrible tragedy.
05:15It's a terrible tragedy.
05:17But it's common knowledge that after Axel,
05:20you are the best high winds actor in Britain.
05:24So I've been on to the master and commander chaps,
05:27and I've persuaded them that you are the best actor to take over the role.
05:31Well, you've certainly moved fast, Jane. Axel's only been dead 46 minutes.
05:36There's no room for sentiment in this game, Toast.
05:39And another thing, I presume you're in the Masons.
05:41Well, you'd better join up if you're not, because the producer, Parker Pipe,
05:45is very keen on using only Masonic actors.
05:49What's up, Toast? Sad about Axel?
05:52Oh, yeah.
05:53Oh, yes. People die all the time, though, don't they?
05:58Actors, prime ministers, kings, queens, everybody's just passing through.
06:04The list of people who've died is as long as my arms,
06:08and I have unnaturally long arms.
06:13Imagine if all the actors who were dead were alive.
06:17There'd be no jobs for the younger actors at all.
06:20Are you all right, Jane?
06:31No, we have to strike while the iron is hot.
06:37Stay where you are, Toast.
06:41Are you all right, Jane? You're behaving very, very queerly.
06:43Just stay where you are.
06:44Oh, the bats are back.
06:48Let me get my special swat.
06:51What special swat?
06:56Bloody bats!
06:57I hate you!
06:59Bloody bats, I hate bats!
07:11Hello, this is Esther Ranson.
07:13May I order a takeaway?
07:19Toast.
07:19Davidson.
07:20Have you been to see Jane?
07:22What the hell is going on up there?
07:24Should I get a doctor?
07:25Was it the bats?
07:27She did mention bats.
07:28I thought so.
07:29I'd better go up.
07:30Whoa, whoa, whoa.
07:31It is a bit alarming.
07:33The truth is, Toast, she's, um, back on the acid.
07:37Ah, well, that would explain it.
07:39She was definitely having some kind of bad, bad trip.
07:42How long has she been back on the acid?
07:44A week.
07:45Her timing is appalling.
07:46You know there's a surprise party for her at the Colonial tomorrow, celebrating 40 years as an agent.
07:51Jane really needs her friends now.
07:53We all have to rally around.
07:54Sorry, Davidson.
07:56I need to ask you something.
07:58What?
08:00Are you a maxim?
08:04Of course, yes.
08:05Yes.
08:09Jane?
08:09Jane?
08:11Jane?
08:12Jane?
08:12Jane?
08:13Jane?
08:13Jane?
08:14Jane?
08:15Stephen.
08:17I'm Parker Pipe, the producer.
08:20Nice to meet you.
08:20This is Chloe Hammerslag, my assistant.
08:23Hello.
08:24You knew Axel.
08:26Very well, indeed.
08:27Old friends.
08:28It's such a tragedy.
08:30His very first day on set.
08:32He was just blown away, I believe.
08:34Yes, yes.
08:35His luck finally ran out.
08:37He'd lost his footing and just blown away.
08:39Hit the back wall of the set at 70 miles an hour.
08:42He told me he never wore a harness.
08:44He never did.
08:46Put authenticity above everything.
08:49But the show must go on, as they say.
08:52And Jane thoroughly recommended you.
08:54How is Jane?
08:55She's back on the acid.
08:56Oh, dear.
08:58Anyway, I've got a script here.
08:59By the way, Toast, I presume you are, um...
09:03Oh, uh, oh, yes.
09:05Fully paid up and committed member.
09:10Thanks, Camilla.
09:12Parker.
09:15Toast.
09:16Ray bloody Purchase.
09:17What are you doing here?
09:18Do you two know each other?
09:20Yeah.
09:22We thought you could play the scene together, if that's okay.
09:25God.
09:26I didn't know you were up for this.
09:27I didn't know you were up for this either, Toast.
09:28You're not a mason.
09:30Yes, I am.
09:30Oh, yes, he is.
09:32What?
09:33There's one thing we'd just like to try out.
09:36Chloe, could you, uh...
09:39Stephen, Ray, would you mind standing in front of the machine?
09:43Of course.
09:45All right, if I must.
09:46That would be great.
09:49I don't need a script, Parker.
09:51I've learnt it.
09:51We're going to start on a three setting and then gradually bring it up to ten.
10:01In your own time.
10:05Three days out of port, Captain.
10:08When do you think the Frenches will show themselves?
10:11Soon enough, Chief Surgeon.
10:13But fear not.
10:14The wind may blow and storms may rage.
10:17England will never fail.
10:20Aye, aye, Captain.
10:21Though it is a stiff south-westerly, our destiny is to see us through the battle.
10:29Sweet victory, show me.
10:31Show me!
10:34OK, OK, turn off the wind, Chloe.
10:38Stephen, you stood on your feet.
10:42That's fantastic.
10:44I'm so impressed, I think I'm going to promote you to the lead role of the captain now and
10:49demote Ray to Chief Surgeon.
10:50Well, that'd be great.
10:51Ray Purchase is a top-class, high-winds actor, but you are even better.
10:57The wind machine was up to nine.
10:59I mean, to manage nine at your first read, well, it's just super.
11:04Well, I was stood at a slight angle.
11:06It's a tip from Axel Jacklin.
11:07Yes.
11:08Poor, poor Axel.
11:14Ed, I need to become a Mason immediately.
11:25Can you pull some strings?
11:26Who are you trying to impress?
11:27Parker Pipe.
11:28The producer?
11:29The very same.
11:30Oh, he's very high up.
11:31Partakes in some of the more exotic Masonic rituals.
11:33I couldn't give rat shit.
11:35Could you get me in?
11:36I think I know someone who may be able to help you.
11:37Really?
11:38Who?
11:38The thing is, he's an East Ender.
11:40You'll have to travel into the East End to meet him.
11:43Who is this Cockney Cheapjack?
11:46A fellow by the name of Basil Jett.
11:48I got his number and address.
11:49He may be able to fast track you.
11:50Fabulous.
11:51It'll cost you.
11:52How much?
11:5327 pounds, 50 pence.
11:54Well, that's not too bad.
11:55For goodness sake, Toast, keep my name out of it.
11:57All right, Ed.
11:59The East End, you say?
12:01I wonder what it's like these days.
12:06Many thanks, Cabby.
12:08Keep the change.
12:09Thank you, Rissar.
12:09Get tight.
12:10Fuck yeah.
12:16Bugger up.
12:19Follow me, lad.
12:20I can suck the Thames dry.
12:23Is that you, Mrs. Patches?
12:25Toast, what are you doing here?
12:27Are you in the East End?
12:28I'm looking for a chap called Basil Jett.
12:30That's his shop, two doors down.
12:33I must say you're full of surprises, Mrs. Patches.
12:36Shh.
12:37Don't say my name.
12:38Oh, yes, of course.
12:41I have a term.
12:46Who is it?
12:47Who are you on?
12:49My name's Toast.
12:50I want to be a Mason today.
12:54You can't become a Mason just like that.
12:56Ed Howser Black said I could join.
12:58Oh, all right.
12:59You got the money?
13:00Yes.
13:0127 pounds and 50 pence.
13:03Yeah, well, I'm a little bit busy today to do the paperwork,
13:05so you'll have to use the app.
13:06An app?
13:07Well, there's an app you can use to join the Masons.
13:10Wow.
13:11What's an app?
13:12You ask Ed, he'll tell you.
13:13You download the app and I'll text you the password.
13:15Whoa, whoa, whoa.
13:16When do I get initiated?
13:18I'll let you know all about that.
13:19We'll have a ceremony.
13:20We'll have a booze up, finger food.
13:22And you, sir, you get a goodie bag.
13:23Ooh, great.
13:28I say, what's a goodie bag?
13:33Where is she?
13:36Ray.
13:39Oh, God, not you again.
13:41Yes, it's me, Toast.
13:43Ray fucking Purchase again.
13:45What the hell were you talking about at that audition?
13:47You're not a mason.
13:49Yes, I am.
13:50Yeah.
13:51Jane should be here by now.
13:52I'll try and track her down.
13:54Yeah.
13:55Who else is here?
13:56Fatheringham's here.
13:57Last time I saw him, he's been carried off to the BBC jail.
14:00Yeah, they let him out today.
14:01A lot of his types have been released from the BBC jail
14:03in return for a reduction in the license fee.
14:06Whoa.
14:08Fatheringham?
14:12Didn't realize it was fancy dress.
14:14It isn't.
14:18Toast?
14:19Don't tell anyone.
14:20We're having a surprise party for Jane at the Colonial Club.
14:25No, you are Jane.
14:27What?
14:28We're here at the Colonial Club waiting.
14:29Right.
14:31Yeah, well, get here as fast as you can.
14:35Everything all right, Toast?
14:36Oh, fuck off.
14:47And I said to her, what the hell is wrong?
14:49Have I forgotten our wedding anniversary?
14:51And she said, no, we're not actually married.
14:54What are you doing here, Blair?
14:57How do you know each other?
14:58No, we know each other.
14:59My son.
15:01Oh.
15:02Shh.
15:03What?
15:04Surprise!
15:05I'll just go and help her.
15:07Get everyone's attention, Toast.
15:10She'll say a few words.
15:10Yeah.
15:11Hey.
15:12Hey.
15:12Hey.
15:13Oh.
15:13What's going on here?
15:14Just say a few words to welcome everybody.
15:18Oh.
15:22I'll just go and help her.
15:24Get everyone's attention, Toast.
15:26She'll say a few words.
15:27Yeah.
15:27Hey.
15:28Hey.
15:32What's going on here?
15:33Just say a few words to welcome everybody.
15:4840 years in the business and it doesn't seem a day too long.
16:07When Ray Purchase told me there was going to be a surprise party for me,
16:12I was, of course, very, very thrilled.
16:16So, everybody just have a wonderful, wonderful time.
16:21Yeah.
16:21Cheers.
16:22Jane.
16:32Oh, how lovely.
16:34From Torval and Dean.
16:37Sorry if I've been a bit out of it recently, Toast.
16:41Thank you for visiting me.
16:43I do hope you can stay for a while.
16:45I'm a bit lonely here.
16:48Toast?
16:50Ah, very well.
16:53It's Parker Pipe.
16:55I've got to go.
16:55Oh, don't leave me.
16:56You've just arrived.
17:00I get so lonely here at the Mayfair House of Addiction.
17:03Parker?
17:06Oh, sir.
17:09So, you've officially got a job.
17:13Welcome on board, Captain.
17:16This Freemason's lark is the bee's knees.
17:18I have not been celibate with an impromptu wordy.
17:22I'll have a slice of this.
17:28Basil, Jeff?
17:30Is it now?
17:34All right.
17:36I've got to go, Pipe.
17:37Oh, well, what a shame.
17:39Never mind.
17:40I'll see you on set.
17:42You betcha.
17:54Masons.
17:55It is my duty to now begin tonight's initiation ceremony.
18:08Is everything prepared for junior deacon?
18:12Aye, Grand Master.
18:14Will the head of ceremony please place the underbrother onto the line?
18:20May, son.
18:22Remove his hood and step aside, sword belt.
18:28Got to be fucking kidding.
18:30Toast!
18:31What the hell are you doing here?
18:33Are you underbrother, Stephen Toast?
18:36I am.
18:37Is this your doing, Ed?
18:39Well, he seemed very keen.
18:41And he did pay his 27 pounds 50.
18:42Oh, I'm sure he did.
18:44But come on, old chap.
18:45Silence!
18:46What the f...
18:56Right.
18:57You have one minute starting from...
19:01Now.
19:02There's a magnet.
19:04Um, an onion.
19:07A framed photograph of Dan and Peter Snow.
19:11Very well.
19:12Very well.
19:12The secret initiation ceremony shall now commence.
19:18I would slit my own throat, for in the eyes of God I am nothing but a fool and a beggar.
19:25I would slit my own throat, for in the eyes of God I am nothing but a fool and a beggar.
19:41The time has now come.
19:42Remove the brother's blindfold that he may see the light.
19:47I am in.
19:50Yes!
19:51I am in.
19:53He-hee.
20:00Keep it on the swell.
20:04There's a clandestine of man.
20:07Be silent or beware.
20:09Beware.
20:12Keep it on the swell.
20:14There's a clandestine of man.
20:17Be silent or beware.
20:19Beware.
20:33Beware.
20:35Thunder and lightning.
20:39Cannon fire.
20:42Wind machine.
20:45Slow machine.
20:48And action.
20:51What a battle it was.
20:53What a storm we endured.
20:56And victory came at a great price.
21:00Hold it really.
21:01What the fuck do you want, Grapefire Chase?
21:04What are you doing here, Ray?
21:05Cut!
21:06Kill the wind, Clary.
21:07You may be interested to know, brother, that your big star up there only became a mason to get this geek.
21:13He joined up last night.
21:14What? Is this true toast?
21:16What does it matter?
21:18Of course it matters.
21:20You have written roughshod over ancient masonic codes of practice.
21:26Roughshod.
21:27We'll recast immediately with Ray as the captain.
21:29Terrific.
21:30Come on down, toast.
21:32I've just got up here.
21:33Are you coming down or not?
21:36No!
21:37I still have my chief surgeon's amputation saw, Parker, if you want.
21:41Get to work, brother.
21:45Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
21:51It's a long way up.
21:53Don't be stupid, Batchets.
21:57Batchets!
21:59Batchets!
22:00Many thanks, Cabby.
22:06Keep the change.
22:07Thank you, sir.
22:08You're trying to fuck again.
22:10Mrs. Purchase.
22:20Oh, toast.
22:22Here again.
22:23Yes, indeed.
22:25I was just in the area, getting a refund for the $27.50 I paid to the Freemaxers.
22:30I'm a little early.
22:31You're not too.
22:32Come.
22:37Come, crawler ahead!
22:38Shit, you're for it now, toast.
22:40Don't you worry, Mrs. P.
22:42Nothing to see here, officer.
22:44Sorry, brother.
22:45My mistake.
22:46Yeah.
22:47Ooh.
22:48So take my hand, you'll disappear to a love, but it's not too far from here.
22:57No, I don't know you, but you don't know me.
23:01I guess I had to talk to you, you see.
23:05So say no, please don't know you could be the one.
23:11For all I know, but I don't know.
23:16I don't know you could be the one.
23:17I don't know you could be the one.
23:18I don't know you could be the one.
23:19I don't know you could be the one.
23:20I don't know you could be the one.
23:21I don't know you could be the one.
23:22I don't know you could be the one.
23:23I don't know you could be the one.
23:24I don't know you could be the one.
23:25I don't know you could be the one.
23:26I don't know you could be the one.
23:27I don't know you could be the one.
23:28I don't know you could be the one.
23:29I don't know you could be the one.
23:30I don't know you could be the one.
23:31I don't know you could be the one.
23:32I don't know you could be the one.
23:33I don't know you could be the one.
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