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00:00AVAILABLE NOW
00:30Warning, the following program contains scenes of heavy-handed and over-obvious allegory
00:42and is not recommended for small children or certain congressmen from the South.
00:46Huzzah! Once again, Miss Congeniality posted the highest body count.
01:16Look, I'm not ordering squat till you give me an answer. What part of the chicken is the nugget?
01:22That's it, boys. I did my best. If you want to eat, check that big green container out back.
01:26There always seems to be something under the eggshells.
01:27We're not hungry, Dad. We're too busy with disaffected youth's latest cable trend
01:31unscrambling the faces of Death Network.
01:34All snuff!
01:35All the time.
01:40All right! One less geek-hawking religion door-to-door.
01:44Remember, Duckman, everything you think, say, and do is bad for the children.
01:48So if you have to speak to them, just repeat something you've heard me say.
01:51What I meant was, alas, children, has our moral compass gone so far south that we call this sort of trash entertainment?
02:01Truth be told, the world's a disgusting place, Dad. Since we're helpless to do anything about it,
02:06we've decided to embrace its many horrors.
02:09For example, later on we're helping Grandmama with her sitz bath.
02:12Besides, who are you kidding? You love this stuff.
02:17Now, now, be fair, Charles. I mostly wallow in sexual degradation.
02:20Speaking of which, if I leave now, I can catch a few lap dances before breakfast.
02:23You know the drill. If you make a mess, push it all into a little corner so it looks like you clean it up
02:27and don't let the police in without a warrant. Ta-ta!
02:31Cornfit, check out the night crawler I found on the bus station men's room.
02:34Three different vibrating speeds. Slow, medium, and loss of consciousness.
02:37What are they doing here? You know this kind of thing makes my skin crawl.
02:45A group of schoolchildren.
02:46Oh, I thought it was the road company of Annie.
02:48Duckman, this cross-section of post-toddlers you nearly dragged through puberty wants to hire us.
02:53Señor Ducman, we need your help. Our idols disappeared.
02:57Who's that, Barney? Check the local bathhouse.
03:00We mean America, the supermodel. Haven't you ever heard of her?
03:04She's the best and most beautiful model of them all.
03:07That's why we all belong into her fan crop.
03:10But last week, she just disappeared. And now we have no one to believe in.
03:14Look, pygmies. Love to help, even if I don't know who this America is.
03:17Unfortunately, I always require a retainer.
03:21Oh, right. Like I'm desperate enough to accept those as payment.
03:27Kids, listen. I understand your pain.
03:30I don't want you to leave thinking I'm a totally heartless, unfeeling human being.
03:34Here's a little something to take with you.
03:36Pretend it's a rocket ship or something. Go on, get!
03:38Field trips over!
03:39Up, down, three!
03:40Thank you, Mr. Duckman, for your time and...
03:44Can you believe that diaper dribble?
03:47Where do you think you're going?
03:49To solve the case for those doe-eyed little tykes,
03:51in a world where hope is a dwindling commodity,
03:53this is a rare opportunity to restore some in our country's youth.
03:57Rarely do two detectives have the chance
03:59to make such a big difference in the lives of so many.
04:03Did I mention it gives us the legal right
04:05to search a beautiful woman's lingerie drawer?
04:07This one's for the kids!
04:13Another titanium steel triple-reinforced deadbolt
04:16picked with a nose hair.
04:17Next time, use one of your own.
04:22Hmm. What do we have here?
04:24Ah, big deal. This kind of thing's common.
04:25Who hasn't broken into an ex-girlfriend's house
04:27and left the occasional note written in blood
04:29of a small dead animal on her pillow.
04:31The placement of items on the floor
04:32in the shape of a question mark
04:33would lead one to assume
04:34that these are clues to her whereabouts.
04:36What do you think?
04:38Duckman?
04:39Duckman?
04:43It's called looking for evidence, ham-head.
04:46Let's sniff through, uh,
04:47sift through these for any signs of...
04:49Is this...
04:56Yes, that's America.
04:59She's beautiful.
05:00Timeless.
05:01But even more, look at the compassion.
05:03The wounded innocence.
05:05Cornfed, as the gods are my witness,
05:07I will leave not the tiniest pebble unturned
05:09in my tireless search to find America.
05:12Returning to those children
05:13the role model every youth needs
05:15in order to become a stable and mature adult.
05:17Perhaps you should start
05:19by taking off her panties.
05:21Work, work, work.
05:22Don't you ever punch out.
05:27That picture's still haunting me, Corny.
05:29It's as if I've met her before.
05:31Look, I've got a foolproof plan to find her.
05:33I took these samples from her carpet.
05:34We can match them against every shoe
05:36in the tri-state area.
05:37Oh, sure, it'll take a couple of years,
05:38but she's worth it.
05:40Or we could just locate the person
05:41whose name and address is engraved on this pipe.
05:43Yeah, whatever.
05:44Either way's good.
05:47It appears they don't allow people of color
05:56in this community.
05:58Hi, Mr. Nelson.
06:00Hi, little Billy.
06:03Okay, Cornfed, watch how it's done.
06:05You gotta deal with these middle-class,
06:06fleet of the burbs, can't stand a little crime
06:08in the big bad city fringe dwellers
06:09on their own level.
06:11Excuse me, Mr.
06:12Wilbur Nelson.
06:19We're here to ask you a few questions about America.
06:21America?
06:22Now that takes me back.
06:23How's my old flame doing?
06:25Burning a little low.
06:26We can't find her.
06:27I thought you might know where she was.
06:29Afraid I haven't seen America
06:30for quite some time, friend.
06:32But, oh, what memories.
06:33When we met, she was wholesome,
06:35innocent, and knew her place.
06:37We used to spend entire evenings together,
06:39our TV dinners on trays
06:40in front of that glorious tube,
06:42watching warm, idealized families
06:45and non-threatening singing
06:46and dancing minorities.
06:49But then she started asking me things like
06:51what time I'd be home
06:53or why she couldn't have a say in decisions.
06:57Imagine a woman questioning my authority.
07:00Dear, will the gentleman be staying for dinner?
07:03I've fixed a roast.
07:05Speak only when spoken to, kitten.
07:07If I may, it sounds to me like
07:11you ignore the world around you
07:12hoping its problems will simply disappear.
07:14But they might not.
07:15For all you know, a member of your lodge
07:16may be the Bobby Sox Strangler.
07:18Your paper boy could be a transvestite.
07:20And if you keep spraying your lawn
07:21with dichlorodiphenyl trichloroethane,
07:23your next generation of children
07:24could grow limbs in socially unacceptable places.
07:27Wait a minute.
07:27You boys aren't from around here, are you?
07:30In fact, I'm starting to think
07:31you might be communists.
07:33I don't even vote.
07:45Okay, so they sucker-mobbed us.
07:46He's still a prime grade-A certified suspect in my book.
07:49Perhaps.
07:50But someone else may have had an axe to grind.
07:52Well, you're sure putting a lot of faith in these, uh,
07:54what'd you call them again?
07:56Clues.
07:56Yeah, right.
07:57There's only one place you can buy a guitar like this.
07:59The all-strung-out guitar shop on campus.
08:03I did a brief stint as Hendrix in Legends on Ice.
08:13Wow, man.
08:15According to the guitar shop proprietor,
08:17we'll find him here.
08:17I haven't seen this many flakes
08:19since the last I made Jace got scabies.
08:23Is that my guitar?
08:25Not that I remember losing my guitar.
08:27Of course I don't remember August.
08:29You think there's a connection?
08:30You must be Syncube.
08:32I must?
08:35I am he, and you are thee, and he's a she,
08:39and coffee's free with a B-L-T,
08:42and M-B-C, and hi-diddle-diddle-ee.
08:48Dee!
08:49Everybody now!
08:5186 to hootenanny, Elvis.
08:52Oh, man.
08:55The only singing you're going to do is about America.
08:57I don't know anyone by that name,
08:59but I know in America,
09:00when I first met her,
09:01she was yearning to be free,
09:03to break out,
09:04to experience new things.
09:06So I got her doing stuff she had never done before,
09:09like trying to tie her shoes after being up for a week,
09:12or spending all day staring at her hand,
09:14or laying around unconscious in her own sputum.
09:17You can't buy those kind of memories.
09:21You've been sitting too close to the blacklight,
09:23magical mystery turd.
09:24What happened to her?
09:25Where'd she go?
09:26Go?
09:26She's right here, man.
09:30My mistake.
09:32So many chicks around here don't shave.
09:36I'm guessing,
09:37but I'd say his brainwaves crash a little short of the beach.
09:41It's Tuesday.
09:43Time for your weekly confrontation
09:45with oppressive authority figures.
09:50It's driving me crazy, Corny.
09:52The more I hear about her,
09:52the more I want to hear.
09:54I just wish I knew where she might have gone.
09:55You got any more of those glues?
09:57Clues.
09:57I'm one letter off.
09:59Crucify me.
10:00It so happens I do have another,
10:01and my hunch is she went the way
10:02anyone coming from that lifestyle would have gone,
10:05headlong into the world of the shallow and self-obsessed.
10:07Network television.
10:09A joke that easy deserved an appropriate response.
10:15Hey, how's he doing?
10:21My name's Sal, Salmonella.
10:23I dance here every night
10:24because it's like a symbolic escape
10:26from the socioeconomic melees of my environment.
10:30Or was it because I like it when people look at my butt?
10:32Work it out later, boogie boy.
10:33I got a question for you first.
10:35Wouldn't you dance better with this?
10:37Thanks.
10:38I've been looking for that for years.
10:40All right, you j-j-j-jive-talking village person.
10:43Where is she?
10:44Who?
10:44America.
10:45Huh?
10:46America.
10:46What?
10:47America!
10:48Whoa, what are the odds
10:49I asked three questions with the same answer?
10:51Take a look, Andy Glibb.
10:53Maybe some of the things you shared
10:54will jog your memory.
10:55Oh, yeah, duh.
11:06We used to went to swapping parties
11:07and slept with dozens of total strangers,
11:09basically building an entire relationship
11:10on lots of wild and unprotected sex
11:12without any love or feeling at all.
11:14Okay, so there were some good times.
11:16Listen, Dancing Queen,
11:17you better hope she's staying alive
11:18because America's more than a woman.
11:20And if you're even a fifth
11:21that's responsible for harming her,
11:22you'll be taking the soul train
11:23straight to a disco inferno
11:25where you never can say goodbye.
11:27For some reason,
11:28you make me feel like dancing.
11:30Wait a minute.
11:31I'm not through with you yet.
11:32Ah!
11:45Ah!
11:46What the...
11:47What's going on?
11:48You blacked out
11:48and this nice wine-soaked man
11:50gave you mouth to mouth.
11:51Call me?
11:51Corny, what if I never get to meet her?
11:57What if I never get a chance
11:58to tell her what I felt
11:59when I looked at that picture?
12:00He could have killed her!
12:01Let's not be hasty.
12:02He does have some redeeming qualities.
12:04We took first in the hustle contest.
12:07Yes, well,
12:08before we jump to any conclusions,
12:10our next clue indicates
12:11that America grew tired
12:12of aimless decadence
12:13and moved on to something more lucrative.
12:15Wall Street.
12:16I know it's Sunday,
12:18but we planned a hostile takeover
12:19of my closest friend's
12:20family business this morning.
12:22Secretaries.
12:23She wants time off
12:24for what she insists
12:25on calling an operation
12:26on her colon.
12:28They found some sort of tumor
12:29or something.
12:30Jesus.
12:31So much for the charming patter,
12:33sushi sucker.
12:34We're looking for America.
12:35America?
12:36I'm sorry.
12:36I haven't seen her
12:37since the prenuptial hearing.
12:38I've married someone else.
12:40Valerie,
12:40my trophy wife.
12:42Before America tired
12:44of the rat race,
12:45she and I went through
12:46a great deal of personal growth,
12:47became better people together,
12:48tried to help mankind.
12:51I kid, of course.
12:52We made lots of money,
12:53blah, blah, blah.
12:54End of story.
12:55We also had a solar-heated
12:56winter home in Telluride
12:57complete with a pedigreed
12:58golden retriever
12:59because, of course,
13:00pedigreed is good.
13:03My guess is
13:04you had everything you wanted.
13:05You revolved your whole life
13:06around being rich,
13:07but it wasn't enough for her,
13:08was it?
13:08Money is never enough
13:09to make you happy.
13:12It's all right.
13:12An obsession with a woman
13:13can often cause a temporary shock
13:14to your belief system.
13:16Listen, duck.
13:17I'm no stranger to ideals.
13:18I sell them.
13:20$39.95.
13:21Mr. Stone,
13:22the SEC is here
13:23about that lucrative
13:24and extremely fortuitous
13:26stock payoff.
13:30Get back here,
13:31Mr. Fancy Matching Shoes!
13:33I'll trickle down
13:34all over you!
13:34I'll up your interest rate,
13:36you hear me?
13:36Get back and tell me
13:37where she is!
13:39At least this portion
13:40of the investigation
13:40didn't end in another
13:41random and misplaced
13:42act of violence.
13:43Free!
13:44Don't move!
13:45HURRRAAAA!
13:46OUGH!
13:49OUGH!
13:49OUGH!
13:51Where is she?
13:53What happened?
13:54Which one of you
13:55is responsible for this?
13:56Nelson!
13:57Sinkube!
13:58Sal!
13:58Stone!
13:59Cornfed!
14:00Cornfed?
14:01I thought I should
14:02hold on to the keys.
14:03I can't stand it,
14:04Corny!
14:04We're never gonna find her!
14:06And look at this!
14:07We're down to our last...
14:08Eh...
14:08Clue.
14:10I think I just
14:12bit into a squirrel!
14:14Let's see.
14:15The FDA allows
14:15a maximum of 8%
14:16rat feces,
14:17horse lips,
14:18mashed insect,
14:18and ocelot sphincter.
14:20But no.
14:21No squirrels.
14:23Duck man,
14:24it's a note.
14:25If you've gotten this far,
14:26you must be someone
14:27who cares about my fate.
14:28Hopefully,
14:29after talking to my
14:29ex-boyfriends,
14:30you can understand
14:30why I've given up.
14:31It's too late to save me,
14:32but I hope you can forgive me.
14:34Goodbye,
14:35America.
14:36Corny.
14:39She's dead.
14:55Here's where he's been hiding,
14:56Cornfed.
14:57He hasn't showered in days.
14:58Other than that,
14:59he's acting completely different.
15:01It's a classic slacker
15:02response to despair,
15:03the dull, vacant stare,
15:04the loss of brain cells,
15:05the time and effort
15:06put into looking
15:06as unattractive
15:07as humanly possible.
15:08He changed his name
15:09to Keanu.
15:11Send me 65 more
15:12microwave burritos.
15:13Just bill it to my stepmom,
15:14or my half-dad,
15:15or my first dad,
15:16or my half-step-uncle.
15:20Hey, up!
15:21I didn't think anyone
15:21could atrophy that quickly.
15:23Boys,
15:24I told you not to touch
15:24your father.
15:25He looks sticky.
15:26Keanu!
15:27You have a visitor.
15:29He didn't hear the last part,
15:30having inundated himself
15:31with music videos,
15:32he's no longer able
15:32to concentrate on
15:33any one thing
15:34for longer than
15:35a second and a half.
15:37Cornflakes!
15:38Cornhole!
15:39Here a corn!
15:40Jimmy cracked corn
15:41and I don't care!
15:42Jimmy...
15:42Ah!
15:43Ah!
15:44Wow!
15:45You hurt me!
15:46Oh, it hurts so bad!
15:49Oh, boo-hoo!
15:51You hurt my face!
15:53You hurt my little face!
15:56Oh, wow!
16:00I'm sorry I slapped you,
16:01Duckman,
16:01but I was trying
16:02to calm you down.
16:03And I guess just saying
16:04the words calm down
16:05would be considered
16:05hopelessly simplistic.
16:07The point is,
16:08I'm worried about you.
16:09We all are.
16:10Right, Bernice?
16:10Eh.
16:11Well, becoming obsessed
16:12with a dead woman
16:13you've never met
16:13isn't a surefire sign
16:14of insanity.
16:15Chances are you won't
16:16be manning any
16:16missile silos for a while.
16:18How dare you
16:19cheapen my feelings
16:20for her by implying
16:21that it's some kind
16:22of insane obsession!
16:23What's that, my dear?
16:24You say you're hungry?
16:26Eat, my love,
16:27eat, oh, why won't you eat?
16:28Tell me why, oh, why, oh, why, oh, why, oh, why?
16:31I'm getting out of here
16:32before the three o'clock drool.
16:33Let's go, children.
16:35I sure hope no one offers you
16:37fifty bucks
16:38to smother him
16:39with a pillow.
16:40That would be wrong.
16:45You're keeping our note?
16:47That's mine!
16:47Give it back!
16:48This was yours.
16:49You touched it.
16:50The talking pig
16:51doesn't understand.
16:52Now you're gone.
16:53You left me.
16:54Me, I'm in dumps.
16:56In dumps.
16:57In dumps!
16:58In dumps!
16:59In dumps!
17:00In dumps!
17:00In dumps!
17:00In dumps!
17:01In dumps!
17:02Well, he seems
17:03to be getting better.
17:07America!
17:08America!
17:09America!
17:12Allie, allie,
17:13action-free!
17:15America!
17:18Here I am.
17:19America, you're, you're,
17:21well, I was gonna say beautiful,
17:22but actually you could stand
17:23being run through
17:24the car wash a few times.
17:25Why are you here?
17:27I'm tired.
17:27I'm sick.
17:28I don't know why anyone
17:29would want to find me.
17:31Uh, because your sunshine,
17:33flowers, rainbows,
17:34and daisies
17:35all rolled into one
17:36and held together
17:37by, uh,
17:38a, uh,
17:39a wad of something?
17:40Uh, gum?
17:42No, I'm used up.
17:44Everyone I met
17:45just took from me.
17:47They gave nothing back.
17:48I was there for anyone
17:50who'd care for me.
17:51No one did.
17:52I care.
17:53Too late.
17:54You only felt something
17:55for me after you
17:56thought I was gone.
17:58I guess so.
18:00I guess I've had my share
18:01of bad luck
18:01and bad relationships.
18:03Heck, I got suits
18:04pending against me
18:04from three different
18:05dating services
18:06and the teen chat line.
18:07There have even been times
18:08when I've wanted to give up,
18:09but if I do,
18:10how can I expect things
18:11to ever get better?
18:12What kind of world
18:13would I be leaving
18:13for my kids?
18:14Don't give up, America.
18:16You've gotta keep going
18:17for your kids.
18:18We are hope and love
18:29We are everywhere
18:35When hearts need to believe
18:42When we dare to care
18:48Every German who chugs a beer
18:53Every African who throws a spear
18:57Every Chinese man in a junk
19:00Every Mexican in a truck
19:03Every battle in on a dune
19:06Every Frenchman playing
19:08Clair de Lune
19:10Every Syrian or Kazakhstani
19:13Every Giorgio and his Armani
19:16Every Spaniard playing second flute
19:19Every Dane, Norwegian, Andalute
19:22Every single guy who's aborigine
19:25Every Englishman who's waltz or pigeon
19:29From Hollywood, home of big celebrities
19:32To Vanuatu, the old New Hebrides
19:35From New York cuisine, steak tartare
19:38To every friend of Papo Esco bar
19:41From the Taiwanese and Cuban peats
19:45To the Russians with their soup of beets
19:48Every Tannehill, tartar, Thai, Tibetan
19:51And anybody else that we're forgetting
19:54Everyone from Niger, Tonga, Bali
19:57The French Sudan, which is now called Mali
20:01Everybody up in Kathmandu
20:04Every Canadian, cause we're there too, eh?
20:09You seemed even more manic and unstable than usual
20:12So I followed you
20:13One thing puzzles me
20:14How did you know the smell of her note
20:16Came from this particular landfill's rotting food?
20:19Elementary, my dear coinvin
20:20I was here just last week
20:21Don't tell Bernice, but I got her a burial plot
20:25For her birthday
20:26Mom's the word
20:27Duckman, you were right
20:29I can't give up on my children
20:31How can I ever thank you?
20:32Just take care of her
20:34I will, I promise
20:36You know, Carnasius
20:42I think everything's gonna work out just fine for America
20:45Kids, why don't we all go out for ice cream
20:49My treat
20:50Uh, could someone float me a long-term loan?
20:56I'm broke
20:57Every Tajikistan with a yak
21:01Every Bolivian in a sack
21:05Every Caner in a Singapore
21:07Everybody who's really sore
21:11Every Turk in a teen egg diner
21:14Or South African diamond miner
21:17Every Gypsy playing finger assembles
21:21Anyone who ever shopped at Gimbals
21:24We are there
21:26We are there
21:28We are there
21:30We are there
21:31We are there
21:34We are there
21:37We are there
21:39We are there
21:41We are there.
22:11We are there.
22:41We are there.
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