- 4 months ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Don't sneak up on a person on Orange Alert Day.
00:14All right, you're right, you're right.
00:16Just relax, man, relax, okay?
00:18Go with the lower.
00:19Go stop with the lower.
00:21Oh, hello, people.
00:22Have a great Orange Alert Day.
00:25The Department of Homeland Security advises you
00:28to avoid bridges and take additional precautions
00:29at public events.
00:31Please, don't panic.
00:37Nassim, come here.
00:38We're trying to inform the people.
00:40We're not trying to scare them.
00:42Is there a difference?
00:43Yes, there's a big difference.
00:45Do you know why the alert went up?
00:47Well, look, and why do you think I would have any idea?
00:51Because you're the one who's glued to CNN, fool.
00:54You know, why doesn't the government just say
00:56what it really means and just make it a brown alert?
00:58You know, or simpler, an Arab alert.
01:00Look for all brown men, even Persians,
01:02who look a tiny bit Arab.
01:05You know, you're really gonna have to understand
01:07that people here don't know the difference
01:09between Persians and Arabs,
01:11and frankly, they don't care.
01:12Well, we're doing it on.
01:13We care very much.
01:14Well, are we supposed to be concerned
01:16about your little infighting with your tribes and stuff?
01:19We took an interest in your East Coast,
01:20West Coast rap wars.
01:22We had Tupac and Biggie updates
01:24every half an hour on Al Jazeera.
01:29Ew, ew, I don't need to see this.
01:32Just take yourselves and get a room.
01:35Preferably in the Deep South.
01:37Girl, our love don't need no walls, all right?
01:41Because it's everywhere.
01:42It's flowing and it's growing,
01:44and we ain't afraid of showing.
01:46She is a poet.
01:48Well, I'll tell you what.
01:50Can you finish this one?
01:52There's something I just couldn't figure.
01:54A white girl who acts like a...
01:55Javis!
01:57Whoa!
02:00Nassim, you want to get the card?
02:02I think that's the big group in from Toronto.
02:04Toronto?
02:05Yeah, they're going to need help with their bags.
02:07No, no, no, no.
02:08Toronto?
02:09Toronto?
02:10Yeah, what's wrong with you?
02:12What?
02:12They could be carrying the deadly respiratory disease.
02:15SARS!
02:16Are you kidding?
02:17SARS is over.
02:18Ain't nobody talking about it now.
02:19That's what they want you to think.
02:21They who?
02:22Them!
02:23Oh, God!
02:25I'll be right with you in a second.
02:30You know what?
02:30You're going to have to calm down,
02:31because that orange alert is working your last nerve.
02:34Look, look, some of them are clearly Chinese.
02:40So what?
02:42That's where SARS comes from.
02:44They also gave us Mushu and giant pandas.
02:47Now cut the Chinese people some slack.
02:49Okay, okay.
02:50Maybe they're not Chinese.
02:51Maybe they're just Japanese.
02:53Too bad it's not obvious, like the Arab-Persian thing.
02:59Hello, sir.
03:00Welcome to the Lamont Hotel.
03:02I'll need a major credit card and a driver's license.
03:06I see you've come in from Canada.
03:08Oh, I just stopped off in Toronto for a few days to drop some things off.
03:11Like germs?
03:12Actually, I'm from Hong Kong.
03:18Hong Kong?
03:22Yes, Nassim, why don't you get the bags?
03:24Oh, you know, this morning I got a bit of a crick neck when I woke up.
03:27I don't think I can pick anything up.
03:29Oh, I'm an orthopedist.
03:30Let me take a look.
03:30Don't touch me.
03:31Doc, he's in some pain.
03:34Oh, no!
03:37Do you have a trash can?
03:38Never forgot you at the home.
03:39What is that?
03:40Whoop-a-hey!
03:42Whoop-a-hey!
03:43Whoop-a-hey!
03:44Whoop-a-hey!
03:45Whoop-a-hey!
03:46Whoop-a-hey!
03:47Whoop-a-hey!
03:51Uh-uh, uh-uh, stop, stop, stop!
03:53I'm doing disinfectant!
03:54What is the matter with you?
03:55You're gonna have to do something about these crazy little phobias of yours.
03:58Why crazy phobias?
03:59What's about yours?
04:00I don't have phobias.
04:01Yes, you do.
04:02You're afraid of elevators.
04:04I am not afraid of the elevator.
04:06And that's not a phobia.
04:07That's an illness.
04:08It's called claustrophobia.
04:12I'm just afraid of being in a confined space with a whole bunch of people who are breathing
04:16my air and sucking out my breath.
04:20Whose briefcase is this?
04:22I don't know.
04:24Doesn't have a name on it or a tag on it.
04:25Don't touch it!
04:26Don't touch it!
04:29Okay.
04:32That's 16 by 14.
04:33Oh, my God.
04:34That's big enough for serious detonation.
04:36Get back.
04:36Get back.
04:38Detonation?
04:39What are you talking about?
04:40It's a briefcase.
04:41Maybe on a yellow day, it's just a briefcase.
04:46An unattended package on orange day.
04:48There's a strong possibility this is a bomb.
04:50A bomb?
04:51Jadwiga.
04:52Did you see anybody leave that day?
04:53Try to remember, Jadwiga.
04:56This could be a bomb.
04:58It could be beautiful leather.
05:02If it does not explode, I would like very much to have it for my husband.
05:07Look, my experience in the militia says that this is the perfect size for what we used
05:12to call the double-plastique supreme.
05:14The double-plastique supreme?
05:16Where are you people buying your bombs, Dairy Queen?
05:20Does our health plan cover prosthetic limbs?
05:23Oh, come on now.
05:24Come on now.
05:25Is this how we're living?
05:27Are we all just gonna live in fear day after day that we're to the point where we can't
05:32even move a little old bitty briefcase?
05:36Nassim, move the briefcase.
05:39You want to out so bad, you take it out.
05:42It ain't my job.
05:46Jadwiga.
05:53I heard about the bomb in your lobby.
05:59You know, Nassim is driving me crazy with this.
06:02It's orange alert, this, and he's paranoid about that.
06:05That car over there?
06:06Yeah.
06:06That's been in front of my restaurant for two days.
06:10It's got a boot on it, Sophia.
06:13I mean, let's talk turkey.
06:15Who the hell wants to blow up my hotel?
06:17I want a Grammy.
06:20Mavis, terrorism is not about you.
06:23Terrorists look for opportunities.
06:24The nice hotels, they have security.
06:26They're organized.
06:27What are you talking about the nice hotel?
06:28I got a nice hotel.
06:30It's a nice hotel.
06:31I just mean, I mean the big ones, where classy people stay.
06:39But your hotel, that's a terrorist dream.
06:42It's wide open, there's no security, there's nobody checking who's coming and who's going.
06:47You really think it could be a bomb?
06:48I heard they found a cardboard box on the Long Island Expressway.
06:53Ooh.
06:55Ooh, I'm so scared.
06:58So now you know more than the cops?
06:59I'm just saying.
07:00Look at the facts.
07:02You have an unattended package.
07:04It's an orange alert, and your terrorist handyman is telling you it's a bomb.
07:09I'm going to evacuate my restaurant.
07:10If any of your bomb hits my barren wall, I'm suing you.
07:14I have a suspicious package.
07:24No.
07:25Suspicious.
07:27No, I don't know what's in it.
07:28That's why I'm suspicious.
07:32I'll be right with you.
07:34Look here.
07:35I cannot talk any loud.
07:40Because I don't want to scare my guests.
07:41You see, I'm running a hotel.
07:43Look, we have an explosive device that could go up at any moment, so get over here now!
07:57Checking in?
07:57Checking in?
08:05Now, see that man in the tight jumpsuit right there?
08:13He's with the bomb squad.
08:15And the way they've explained it to me, they're going to take the briefcase, put it in a box, and detonate it.
08:21Now, they're not sure if it's a bomb yet, but I said to them, hey, look, it's an orange alert day, and my guest means so much to me, I want you to take it and blow it the hell up right now.
08:30Once again, will you please get back inside the building?
08:34All right, come on, everybody.
08:36Come on.
08:42Remember to steer clear of the windows.
08:44You don't want to block my view.
08:47I'm sorry, Rita, but these histrionics are unnecessary.
08:50But, baby, how could you lose something like that?
08:53I didn't lose it, Rita.
08:54I misplaced it.
08:55You misplaced my three-month anniversary present to you, Courtney?
08:59Baby, that's like misplacing my heart.
09:02It'll turn up.
09:03It's not a big deal.
09:05Ooh, that's so wrong.
09:08Oh, it's no big deal, huh?
09:10I poured my love into that present for you, and it ain't no big deal.
09:15Oh, baby, what's happening to us?
09:18Sweetheart, there's nothing happening to us.
09:21I'll find the briefcase.
09:23Mavis, I misplaced Rita's present to me.
09:26A briefcase.
09:27Beautiful Italian leather, black, about this big.
09:29Have any of you seen it?
09:38No.
09:38Okay, everybody, you can go back to your rooms.
09:43That was the good explosion.
09:45That's what we wanted.
09:47No, no.
09:48What's going on out there?
09:49Oh, somebody left a suspicious package around.
09:53So they blew it up?
09:54Hell, yeah.
09:54This the millennium, child.
09:57You leave something lying around and nobody knows what it is, we blow it the hell up.
10:00Damn, girl.
10:04Good thing it wasn't a baby.
10:11Hey, uh, lucky it wasn't your new briefcase.
10:18You know what?
10:19You should go find that briefcase before anything else happens.
10:22Right, good.
10:23I had it when we left this morning.
10:24Yeah.
10:24Okay.
10:25And we walked through here.
10:26Right.
10:27Oh, I hope I didn't set it down outside when I held that cab.
10:30I bet that's what happened.
10:31You know, somebody came up in here and took it.
10:33You know, there's some cheesy people out here.
10:35Those kids.
10:36The ones on the corner who look like gangsters.
10:38Oh, baby, it's gangsters.
10:43Gangsters.
10:43That's good, baby.
10:45We working on the R's.
10:51No, you're right about that.
10:53You're right about that.
10:54Because, you know, those kids are always on the corner,
10:56and they're dancing to the, what you call it, that hippity-hoppity-muse.
10:59Yes, yes.
11:00And they wear those ridiculous pants that expose their undergarments.
11:03Yeah.
11:03Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:04Showing the crack.
11:05Oh.
11:07And they got shifty eyes.
11:10They certainly do.
11:11Little bastards.
11:13I'm going to check this out, sweetheart.
11:15Mm-hmm.
11:16Don't worry, Rita.
11:17I'm going to get my briefcase back.
11:18You go, baby.
11:19Go ahead, bro.
11:20Go.
11:20Hey.
11:23Yo, Mavis, could I holla at you for a minute?
11:24How your baby brother's going to play me like this?
11:31You know, I spent crazy Benjis on that Versace bag.
11:34I spent so many hours imaging.
11:38Let me ask you something.
11:43You know, sister to sister.
11:47Do you think he loved me?
11:49I mean, do you think he loved me hard?
11:59Yeah, you know, I know you.
12:00He said he loved you.
12:01He did?
12:02Uh-huh.
12:02He said he loved you hard.
12:07But, girl, no, no.
12:08Because you cannot believe what a player be telling you.
12:11Who a player?
12:12Your brother.
12:13My brother play?
12:14Girl, please.
12:16He got to turn the light off to play with himself.
12:22Yeah, I know, but...
12:24He is a player, girl.
12:27No.
12:28And he done played me.
12:30Oh, no.
12:31And you can't tell me no different, Mavis.
12:33No, Rita, come on.
12:34I...
12:34What are we going to do?
12:37This is...
12:37What are you going to...
12:38This is your fault.
12:39Me? What?
12:39All this is your fault.
12:40You couldn't leave well enough alone.
12:42Oh, it's a package.
12:43We must blow it up.
12:43Holler, holler, holler.
12:47Holler.
12:47Are you making fun of my culture?
12:49What about your people with the...
12:50What's up? What's up?
12:50Yo, bitch, yo, yo, yo, yo.
12:52Ow, ow.
12:53You know the difference between our cultures?
12:55My people can spell the words they say.
12:58And how the hell you spell holler, holler, holler?
13:02I don't know.
13:03Why don't you look it up in the towelhead dictionary?
13:07You know what?
13:08You find Jadwego and you tell her to get in here
13:10and clean this mess up.
13:11Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:13Plenty of room.
13:17Too crowded.
13:21I saw that.
13:27Hey, hey, hey.
13:29What's up, brothers?
13:32Amigo?
13:34Do any of you know where I can score a case?
13:36Yo, I think you're old enough to buy your own bit.
13:39Yo, homies, don't make me Burst a cap up in here.
13:44Is Buster Cap fool?
13:47We gotta find this fool's briefcase
13:49before he gets himself killed.
13:50Come on.
13:50Yes, the black Versace briefcase.
13:59$895.
14:01Are you crazy?
14:01I only want one.
14:02Hell no, I'm not paying that.
14:06You know I can go over to Rite Aid
14:07and buy a whole set of luggage for $39.95.
14:12I don't see what the problem is.
14:13Wait a minute.
14:14What?
14:15What?
14:16Which, which light is...
14:17Well, I'm not paying...
14:20Excuse me.
14:23It's ridiculous $895 for a briefcase.
14:27If you're stupid,
14:28I went to Canal Street,
14:29and for $20,
14:30I bought this Gucci.
14:33I don't want to bust your bubble,
14:35but that says Gucci.
14:40You just don't want me to have nice things.
14:43This is crazy.
14:48I am not spending $800
14:49for no damn briefcase.
14:52You know what?
14:53She's right.
14:54She's crazy, but she's right.
14:57I think we gotta go down to Chinatown.
15:01China?
15:02Town?
15:05Yeah, Canal Street's
15:06in the middle of Chinatown.
15:07There's a whole town?
15:09Why didn't you just spray the salve
15:11and it's straight down my throat, huh?
15:13Listen, you're going with me
15:16and you're gonna face your fears.
15:17No way I'm going to...
15:19Oh, yeah, way.
15:20Absolutely way.
15:21Because if I can't replace that briefcase,
15:23that $895 is coming out your paycheck.
15:26Time to face my fears.
15:27Yeah.
15:32So, this is Chinatown.
15:34It's fascinating, huh?
15:36Oh, wow.
15:37Look at those dead ducks
15:39hanging in the window there.
15:40Wow.
15:41Yeah, it kind of reminds me
15:42of my fourth grade teacher.
15:44Yeah?
15:44She was Chinese?
15:45Nah.
15:46Hung herself in a window.
15:49So, you okay with everything?
15:52You're not freaking out, are you?
15:53You know, I'm fine.
15:54I'm fine.
15:54Yeah.
15:54I never felt so free of impending disease.
15:57You're going to have to do better than that, my friend.
16:00Hey, why?
16:03It's not like your ass knows the difference.
16:06Oh, look, there they are.
16:08Those are the ones.
16:09Thank you, God.
16:10Miss, I need this bag,
16:12but I need it to say Versace instead of Gucci.
16:15Gucci more better.
16:16$50.
16:17No, Versace more better for me.
16:19You're not no good luggage.
16:21You don't no good luggage either.
16:23Just give me the Versace bag.
16:25Hello.
16:26We go see you know Versace out.
16:30Hurl, hurl.
16:31I know what you said.
16:33$100.
16:34What?
16:35Fine merchandise, Versace.
16:37More expensive than Gucci.
16:38This is the same fake bag.
16:41You're not fine, more better.
16:42A custom made.
16:43Special for you.
16:44I'm not giving you that money, girl.
16:48What, you think I was born yesterday?
16:50You born a long time ago, lady.
16:53$100.
16:54$50 and we can wrap it up.
16:57Wait.
16:58Okay, I'll give you $100.
17:02I'll give you $100.
17:03What's going on?
17:04What's happening?
17:05FBI make rape.
17:07No like a knockoff.
17:08I don't care about the FBI.
17:10I cannot be up in here with all you people.
17:12I need cigarettes.
17:13I need cigarettes.
17:14I got to have a cigarette.
17:15No, no, no.
17:15The fire uses up oxygen.
17:17Don't do it.
17:18I got to have a cigarette.
17:18You better pray.
17:19Pray to somebody, honey.
17:20Pray to Jesus.
17:21Pray to Bob Dole.
17:23I don't care.
17:24I don't care.
17:26You got to open this door, please.
17:27Jesus, open the door.
17:29Open the door.
17:30Okay, okay.
17:30There you go.
17:31Okay, take a deep breath.
17:34Deep breath.
17:37Deep breath.
17:38Okay.
17:38I'm sorry I took your briefcase.
17:52Your sister convinced me that I should turn my life around.
17:57So here.
17:59Well, young man, that shows character.
18:01Owning up to your misdeeds.
18:03Uh-huh.
18:04Pump.
18:08But if you're not careful, you will end up another piece of human waste clogging up the sewer that is our penal system.
18:15I'll be sure to watch out for that.
18:16You're dismissed.
18:19Come here.
18:22Don't let me catch your behind around here no more.
18:25Get on out of here.
18:28Mavis, we just taught that young man a valuable lesson.
18:31Right on, my brother.
18:34Rhea!
18:35I found my briefcase.
18:36Oh, baby.
18:38It was never lost.
18:40Some ne'er-do-well absconded with it.
18:42Oh, no.
18:43I had to strong arm him to get it back.
18:44Mmm, baby, you want to strong arm me?
18:48Do I have your consent?
18:51No, no, no, really.
18:52I need a yes.
18:59Ew, ew.
19:00Naseem!
19:12Naseem!
19:13Naseem!
19:13What now?
19:14What?
19:15Did you see who left that package?
19:17It doesn't have a name on it, and no return to judge.
19:20We need to call the cops.
19:21Mavis, it's a yellow day.
19:23That's where SARS comes from.
19:36Do you know that almost every major flu epidemic of the 20th century came from SARS?
19:41They came from...
19:42Oh, come to go not.
19:46Maybe they're not Chinese.
19:47Maybe they're just Japanese.
19:50Too bad it's not as easy to tell the difference between them and the Arabs than y'all.
19:56Whoop, whoop, whoop.
19:57Whoop, whoop.
19:58Ha!
20:00Take it out!
20:01Take it out!
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