- 6 weeks ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Hello.
00:07Hello, Farzad.
00:09Nassim!
00:10Farzad's here.
00:11I'm ready for class.
00:13How do I look?
00:15Ooh, Nassim-chan!
00:18You look like you just stepped out of the back-to-school catalog for the Gap.
00:23Some years since I graduated from university, I was afraid I'd lost my flair for style.
00:28No, you have not lost that flair. It's burning bright. Look, I can't even look at you. Look.
00:35Flaming.
00:38Lose the hat, though. You look like Elmer Fudd.
00:41You know what? I get that a lot. Who is this Elmer Fudd?
00:46He invented the internal combustion engine.
00:50And he phooeed the slaves.
00:56Sounds like a great man.
00:58Farzad, Farzad. Stop that. I'm kidding. Don't write that down. That's not on the test.
01:01See, we're taking the class very seriously because I'm hoping that we'll be able to vote in the next election.
01:06Well, you should take it seriously because voting for the President of the United States of America is a very serious thing.
01:12I even read on the American ballot, there's a space where you can even write, I don't know, Mickey Mouse.
01:18Yeah, he's in office.
01:21Oh, wait a minute. Sorry, that's Goofy.
01:25Pause it, pause it, honey, pause it. Don't write that down.
01:30Do you smell something?
01:47No.
01:48Try again.
01:49Oh, baby, that's just my designer fragrance. That's Latifah.
01:53Rita, I'm serious. There's something burning.
01:59Oh, that's just pot.
02:02No. I think it's incense.
02:05No, no. She's right. That is marijuana.
02:09Jadwiga, I think I know what incense smells like. Mavis has been burning it since I was 12.
02:14Mavis, do you smell?
02:16Who's blowing pot in my hotel? Is it you?
02:19That's not incense? You lied to me all those years?
02:24Yes, I did.
02:26And that young Jamaican boy that used to come and see me, he was not an exchange student.
02:33Ooh.
02:34Oh.
02:36You know what this means.
02:38One of your guests is using a controlled substance in your hotel.
02:41Yeah, and?
02:42It's illegal. That's and?
02:44See, that's why I don't mess with marijuana.
02:46But all that free stuff they be giving us at the hospital?
02:49Whee!
02:51Baby, I'm just kidding.
03:06Yes!
03:07Hello.
03:08I made a mistake. I'm at the wrong room. Please excuse me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
03:17So sorry.
03:18What the hell I was at the wrong room?
03:33Turn down the music. Sorry. We being too loud.
03:37No, not at all. I'm Mavis Ray. I own this hotel. I...
03:42Who's this? An arc?
03:44Do you want to keep some of that in your lungs? I'm trying to hold on to what little memory I have.
03:48Why are you harassing us? We're not hurting anybody.
03:51I'm not harassing you.
03:52No, I'm not.
03:54Calm down.
03:55You're tripping.
03:56I'm sorry. This is not the way it looks. We are under a doctor's supervision.
04:04That's a good one.
04:06This is medicinal marijuana. It's no different from any other prescription drug. Except it's illegal.
04:13I understand all of this because usually I'm on the other side of the door. But y'all need to go home and do this because my guests are complaining.
04:22Can't smoke it at home because my son is so judgmental. You see, when I smoke pot, well, it gets me sexy. And I need room to express myself.
04:37What was I saying?
04:41Hello, too much.
04:43Oh. Oh, no. We're all really in treatment. Why don't you come in and meet my friends?
04:49I think it's... Okay, okay. I'm in.
04:53Wow.
04:55That's something you don't see often. A lot of old people sitting around smoking weed.
05:00Unless, of course, you're at a Willie Nelson concert.
05:02We saw him in Branson last year.
05:07Uh-huh.
05:11Uh, so, uh, Agnes and Phil here, they both have arthritis.
05:15Hey.
05:16And Norman and the two Ann's are treating glaucoma.
05:19Oh.
05:20What are you telling her that for?
05:22I don't like you to use my real name when you talk with strangers.
05:26Norman? Really? Now you have to chill.
05:29Sorry, but sometimes weed gets him a little paranoid.
05:34Okay. Well, that's all right. Look, I don't mind y'all doing what you're doing up here. Just do me a favor.
05:39Put a damp towel down at the door frame so that the smell doesn't go into the hallway.
05:43Oh, sure.
05:44Okay.
05:45If I'm not being rude, what do you have?
05:48Me? Oh, shoot. No, I'm not sick. But in a room full of arthritis and glaucoma patients, someone needs to be nimble enough to roll the gym.
06:01It's really great to have a skill that helps people.
06:12How was your citizenship, Claire?
06:14It's fantastic. Uh, actually, here. Quiz me. Quiz me.
06:17Okay.
06:18Let's see. All right. Ready?
06:20Yep.
06:21Okay. Name six things that could disqualify an applicant for citizenship.
06:24Okay. Committing a crime, lying on your application, illegal gambling, habitual use of alcohol.
06:30Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Lying, gambling, drinking?
06:34Yes.
06:35That's what I was doing tonight.
06:38Liz, you're so lucky you were born here. Otherwise, they would never let you become an American.
06:43Now, see, Nassim, that's where you're wrong. America has always welcomed black people. Why, they even sent ships over to get us from Africa.
06:54And they had work for us when we arrived.
06:58Yeah, but you didn't have to sit a citizenship test.
07:01Oh, yes, we did. But it only had one question on it. Hmm? Can you pick cotton?
07:07Mavis, I... Oh! Hello, Nassim. How was your class?
07:10That was excellent. I learned already I'm a better American than Mavis.
07:14But, in fairness, you do have one criteria that you do pass. At least you're not involved in illicit drugs.
07:20Funny you should bring that up.
07:22I was just gonna say that...
07:24Mavis!
07:26Come on, I...
07:27Oh!
07:31So what have you done about the marijuana problem?
07:33The same thing you've done about your unemployment problem. Nothing.
07:37Excuse me, what is going on?
07:38Don't tell him.
07:39He has a right to know.
07:41Mavis rented a room to a group who are upstairs right now using illegal drugs.
07:45Is the Democratic Convention back in town already?
07:50No.
07:51Then I'm calling the police.
07:52No, you're not gonna call the police. What are you talking about? They're not hurting anybody.
07:55When a crime is committed, we're all hurt. Everybody. The very fabric of society is torn.
07:59Let me tell you something.
08:03When I went upstairs to investigate that smell, you know what I found?
08:07I found a whole bunch of old people. Shaky old people.
08:11I swear to God, it looked like the waiting room at Applebee's.
08:15So? I don't see what their age has to do with anything.
08:18Well, they're ill. They're ill. They're using medicinal marijuana.
08:21And I mean, it helps a lot of people. You know, with chemo, it helps the nausea from that.
08:27Makes it possible to enjoy an Adam Sandler movie.
08:30It has many, many good properties.
08:33Every American has a responsibility to report a crime being committed.
08:37It doesn't matter if you agree with the law or not. It's covered in the Patriot Act.
08:40What are you talking about the Patriot Act? We're talking about old folks sitting up there smoking weed and you talking about some terrorist bill.
08:47You telling me that's the sleeper cell? Because if they are, they're really, really sleepy.
08:51You're not setting a very good example for Nassim. He's trying to become a citizen.
08:55Fine, and you're showing them how to call the police on people who aren't doing anything.
09:00I dare you. I will cut your hand off. Put the phone down. Put it down. Put it down.
09:04Look, if you don't want to call the police, why don't you just ask them to leave?
09:08Because I don't want them to leave. They're not doing anything wrong.
09:10Look, these are people with serious illness. They're shaky. They're old.
09:14Hey! You know any place we can get some burritos?
09:19And rolling papers?
09:22They don't look sick to me.
09:24That's because the medicinal's kicking in.
09:35Excuse me.
09:39I'd like to have a word with you, please.
09:41Oh, I saw this in a movie once and I loved how it ended.
09:48Seriously, I would like to discuss with...
09:50Please, come in. Come in.
09:57Let me come right to the point.
09:59My sister worked very hard to get this hotel.
10:02Well, not hard.
10:04She got lucky with a hit song, but that's not important.
10:06Lemon Square.
10:08I made them myself.
10:10Why, thank you.
10:12I like something biscuity in the afternoon.
10:17This is delicious.
10:19Thank you. Have another one.
10:21Now, don't think your hospitality is going to lessen my resolve.
10:24Who's this? The dealer?
10:29Sir, I came up here to politely ask that you refrain from your illicit activities or leave the hotel.
10:36Oh, aren't you cute?
10:42Well, I've said my piece. Good day.
10:46Good day! Good day!
10:48May I have another lemon square?
10:50Well, have as many as you want.
10:58Hey!
11:00Those old stoners came by my diner and cleaned out my pie case.
11:03It's about time. That thing hasn't been cleaned in years.
11:07Business is booming. I wish you weren't kicking them out.
11:10You're talking about kicking them out. I'm not kicking them out. Who said that?
11:13The fogies said your brother told them to skedaddle. Their words, not mine.
11:16My brother is such a bonehead. My word, not his.
11:22You know, he would turn in his own grandmother.
11:26Of course, she was making passports.
11:29But that was only a hobby.
11:31Well, don't let those old buzzards leap. They're halfway through my four-year-old tub of butterscotch pudding.
11:36You still got that stuff?
11:37You can't put that in the trash. Some poor animal might eat it.
11:41Is that what happened to this?
11:44Smell it. Go ahead. Smell it.
11:46What the hell is your problem? When I tell you not to bug people, I mean don't bug them.
11:58You had no call to go up there and talk to those old people the way you did.
12:02You're right, Mavis.
12:03I don't understand why when I ask you, when I'm clear, you just walk all over my feelings.
12:07You're right, Mavis.
12:13What do you mean you're right, Mavis?
12:16Whatever.
12:17You're high.
12:27That's egregious.
12:31You've been smoking weed. Let me smell your breath.
12:34Very lemony.
12:37Want a lemon bar?
12:39That nice old lady made them.
12:41She's a good cook and easy on the eyes.
12:47Okay.
12:52What is the order of succession?
12:54Don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me!
12:56Okay, tell me!
12:58President, Vice President, Speaker of the House, President Pro Tem of the Senate, Secretary of State, followed by the other Cabinet Officials.
13:05I got it, I got it. Okay. President, Vice President, you know that Albanian girl with the cross eyes and the goatee?
13:13You know? The one I sit next to.
13:15I tell you, you're wrong. She's not smiling at the teacher, she's smiling at me, I'm telling you that.
13:20I am going to get some air.
13:23Please focus, Nassim. You're a horrible study buddy.
13:30Okay, order of succession.
13:32Okay. President, Vice President.
13:35Hello. Hello.
13:36Viceroy.
13:37Oh, hello. Hi. I didn't say that.
13:39I just came down to get some pretzels.
13:41And, oh, beer nuts.
13:44Maraschino cherries.
13:46Excuse me, uh, are you, uh, are you American?
13:49I left Korea with a purple heart.
13:53And a scar in the shape of Florida.
13:56Damn straight I'm an American.
13:57Well then, please, please, uh, please sit down.
14:00Uh, maybe, maybe you can help me with this.
14:02I'm, uh...
14:04Um...
14:06If the President and Vice President were both to die...
14:20And the Speaker of the House and the President Pro Tem of the Senate were both to go down in, say, some massive fly-fishing accident.
14:30Who, then, would be your leader?
14:34I don't know.
14:38It's a tough one, isn't it?
14:39Yes, tough. Yes, tough.
14:42Uh, it's okay.
14:43I have some friends who can help me out with this one.
14:46Yeah.
14:47I'll, I'll look them up, yeah.
14:50Your... handyman wants to be a citizen?
14:53Well, if that won't expose flaws in the system.
14:56We let too many people in this country.
15:00There's not enough room for us already here.
15:04I can't believe you saying that.
15:06How would you have liked it if we had that attitude when you was trying to get in this country?
15:10What are you talking about?
15:11I was born here.
15:13Get out.
15:15Broadway and Canal.
15:17Damn girl, then why you talk so funny?
15:22Maybe it's environmental.
15:24I agree with Celine.
15:26I think we should build a big wall around this country.
15:29No, no, no. You're gonna need the Chinese for that.
15:31She has a voice.
15:33I mean, really.
15:35If you didn't have an immigrant population, who would take care of white people's cares?
15:38Clean their houses.
15:40Trim their hedges.
15:42Wax or pool denders.
15:44That's what I just said. Trim the hedges.
15:50All the immigrant population really wants is their own parade.
15:55Which we understand, you know, cause black people fought for years to get a parade.
16:00Cause they gave it to us in January, that's why we never go.
16:05I say build the wall.
16:07But Sophie, if it weren't for immigrants, who would work in your restaurant?
16:09Yeah.
16:10I don't hire immigrants.
16:12I hire illegal immigrants.
16:15They're grateful and they're not all hung up on health care and minimum wage.
16:19Oh, you don't have to worry about chalupa.
16:24Chalupa's legal.
16:28Of course I'm legal.
16:30Chadwigo, you ever think about becoming an American citizen?
16:33I have a country, thank you.
16:35What is it with you Americans always trying to recruit people?
16:40God, you're worse than a Scientologist.
16:46Oh, I see you're still here.
16:49Still trying to work it out.
16:51Yeah, yeah.
16:53That's him. Take him, take him.
16:57Excuse me, sir.
16:58Can I help you?
16:59Yes, we'd like to have a word with you.
17:00Outside.
17:01What's wrong with inside?
17:02We'll tell you outside.
17:03Please, sir, not now.
17:05I'm studying to be a citizen.
17:08Look, pal, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.
17:11Look here, I'm not a black man.
17:12You can't beat me for no reason.
17:15Let's go, pal.
17:16Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey.
17:17Maybe we got off on the wrong foot.
17:19My name is Nassim.
17:20I bruise easily.
17:22Will you just let me...
17:24Mavis.
17:25Mavis!
17:26Kick him in the...
17:28Mavis!
17:29What?
17:30What is going on here?
17:31Will someone tell them who I am?
17:32That's the...
17:33Candyman.
17:36I knew this day was coming.
17:37Stop.
17:38Listen.
17:39Nassim, what is going on?
17:41I don't know. I've done nothing.
17:42Hey, Norman, where are the munchies?
17:45Ooh, hello, officer.
17:48You're just a police force all by yourself.
17:51Excuse me, excuse me.
17:52Why don't you step over here?
17:53Okay.
17:54Step right there, and don't move.
17:55Excuse me, sir.
17:56Can you tell me what's going on, please?
17:57I thought we were gambling in here.
17:59There's $50 in the pot.
18:00Shh.
18:02You're lying.
18:04We're not gambling here,
18:05cause gambling's illegal.
18:07And nobody has any pot around here.
18:09We ran out?
18:11Can anyone here vouch for this man's identity?
18:13I can.
18:14He works for me.
18:15This is Nassim Cottonjami.
18:16He's my handyman.
18:17He's a sneaky Arab.
18:18He's just so old, he don't know what he's saying.
18:21He is a sneaky Arab.
18:23He is not a sneaky Arab.
18:25He's a lazy Persian.
18:28Thank you, Mavis.
18:30Ma'am, I just want to know what he's doing
18:31with this confidential information
18:33about the chain of command.
18:35What?
18:38Dude.
18:41He's studying and taking citizenship tests.
18:43That's what this is.
18:45Really?
18:46Yeah.
18:47Well, damn.
18:48This is hard.
18:50Well, sorry for the misunderstanding, folks.
18:52There you are, sir.
18:53And good luck.
18:54This country can always use another smart Arab.
18:58I'm not Arab.
18:59I'm Persian.
19:00You Michael Flacky-loving.
19:02Drink till you drop and puke till you knock on his face.
19:04Okay, Nassim.
19:05Easy.
19:06Easy.
19:07I can't believe they're not going to arrest him.
19:09I can't believe they haven't arrested you,
19:10you pot smoker.
19:12Oh, you can't talk to him like that.
19:14He's a veteran.
19:15Oh, really?
19:16In Colombia?
19:17Oh!
19:18Oh!
19:19Oh!
19:20Oh!
19:21Oh!
19:22Hey!
19:23Stop it!
19:24Stop it!
19:25Stop it!
19:26Stop it!
19:27Damn it!
19:28Stop it!
19:29Now, you people just cool your jets.
19:30If you're giving the finger at each other,
19:32and start giving the finger to each other,
19:33we'd be in a much better place.
19:36Mavis!
19:37Mavis!
19:38Mavis!
19:39What?
19:40What?
19:41What?
19:42Do we have any Doritos?
19:43Oh!
19:44Oh!
19:45Oh!
19:46Oh!
19:47Oh!
19:48Are you ready for school tomorrow?
19:49Mavis, can you explain something to me?
19:51Sure.
19:52You smoke indoors, you gamble, you allow people to smoke marijuana in your hotel.
19:57How do you square that with being a good citizen?
20:01Well, I tell you.
20:02In order to be a good citizen, you really gotta follow the laws of the land.
20:07But in order to be a good person, you gotta follow your heart.
20:11Yeah.
20:12Is that what you were doing when you kept that case of whiskey that fell off a truck?
20:18Yes, it was.
20:20It was 22 years old, and no one wanted it.
20:25Mavis, you are such a great American.
20:28Thank you, Nassim.
20:29Let me give you some sugar here, baby.
20:33Me, from the Middle East, with an accent and, uh, no links to the carpet trade.
20:38I'm better than you.
20:40Yes.
20:41You know, I, uh...
20:47Mavis rented a room to a group who are upstairs right now using illico...
20:58...whoop ahead.
21:01Thank you, Nassim.
21:02Thank you, Nassim.
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21:01
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