Assalamu alaikum brothers and sisters, in today’s video, let’s focus on solving the problems many Muslim families face.
Intro
Does marriage kill love?
How was the Prophet (SAW) with his wives? How should spouses show respect to each other? What was the common elements in successful marriages?
Most common feature in the unsuccessful marriages.
What do men or women look for the most in the marriage?
Heart touching story from our Prophet (SAW) marriage?
Have you ever save a marriage when it was about to end? Is it right to end an unhappy marriage?
Tell me something whenever I face issues in my marriage.
Did Prophet (SAW) ever have arguments with his wives?
#DestroysYourMarriage #WatchBeforeItsTooLate #MarriageAdvice #RelationshipTips #SaveYourMarriage #LoveAndTrust #CouplesCounseling #HealingTogether #CommunicationMatters #PreventDivorce #MaritalIssues #RelationshipGoals #HonestyInMarriage #MarriageStrength #ReigniteTheSpark #TherapyForCouples #LoveIsKey #TogetherWeCan #CoupleSupport #FindCommonGround
Intro
Does marriage kill love?
How was the Prophet (SAW) with his wives? How should spouses show respect to each other? What was the common elements in successful marriages?
Most common feature in the unsuccessful marriages.
What do men or women look for the most in the marriage?
Heart touching story from our Prophet (SAW) marriage?
Have you ever save a marriage when it was about to end? Is it right to end an unhappy marriage?
Tell me something whenever I face issues in my marriage.
Did Prophet (SAW) ever have arguments with his wives?
#DestroysYourMarriage #WatchBeforeItsTooLate #MarriageAdvice #RelationshipTips #SaveYourMarriage #LoveAndTrust #CouplesCounseling #HealingTogether #CommunicationMatters #PreventDivorce #MaritalIssues #RelationshipGoals #HonestyInMarriage #MarriageStrength #ReigniteTheSpark #TherapyForCouples #LoveIsKey #TogetherWeCan #CoupleSupport #FindCommonGround
Category
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NewsTranscript
00:00Is it right to end an unhappy marriage or to be patient and say that it's a test and not end it?
00:05Why do spouses become distant from each other over time?
00:09Isn't it possible to preserve love like in the early days?
00:11If it's done right, marriage will make love even stronger.
00:15One of the things people don't understand is that love grows in the relationship
00:19and it transforms itself from one level to the other one.
00:22You need to push back against the shaytan
00:24because the shaytan is going to tell you, yell, curse, do this, do that.
00:29But you need to push back away from this.
00:31Did the Prophet ﷺ ever have arguments with his wives?
00:35Or was it always like flowery and always happy?
00:39Okay.
00:45As-salamu alaykum, Shaykh Yasir Bijaz.
00:46Thank you so much for accepting our invitation.
00:48We are very happy to have you with us.
00:50We want to ask some questions about marriage today.
00:52Absolutely.
00:53So we hope to sweat you with our questions.
00:57Bismillah. I'm looking forward. Go for it.
00:58Okay.
00:59Why do spouses become distant from each other over time?
01:03Isn't it possible to preserve love like in the early days?
01:06Does marriage kill love?
01:08Actually, subhanAllah, Ibn Qayyim rahimahullah ta'ala in one of his books,
01:13he wrote on the subject and he said that,
01:15look, if it's done right, marriage will make love even stronger.
01:20The question is, what do you mean by doing it right?
01:23We say that Allah mentioned the Qur'an,
01:25and the two important ingredients is love and mercy, compassion and compassion.
01:31So, and obviously, one of the things people don't understand is that love grows in the relationship
01:36and it transforms itself from one level to the other one.
01:39The big problem is that when people 10 years and two or three kids later,
01:45they still expect their spouse to love them in the exact same way they loved them 10 years ago
01:51when they were still young, mashallah, with no responsibility.
01:53That's not fair.
01:55But now I love you for another reason.
01:57I love you for being the father and the mother of my kids.
02:00I love you because you stand by me when I'm tired and exhausted.
02:02I love it because you help me out with this,
02:05your understanding, considerate and so on.
02:08When does it start falling apart?
02:10I mean, why do people start growing apart from each other?
02:12The main issue to understand why people have that.
02:16So, here's the thing.
02:17The ultimate goal of any relationship is to find peace and tranquility.
02:20And peace is a rechargeable battery.
02:24You start your day at 100% satisfaction.
02:27After a long day, you come back at 90%.
02:31What do you expect from your spouse?
02:33To recharge you back to 100%.
02:34Instead, unfortunately, with bad manners, we start draining each other even more.
02:39So, we start sleeping at 70%.
02:41And then at some point, we start waking up at 90%
02:44and coming back at 70%, sleeping at 50%.
02:47And if you follow the pattern, we're going to come at a point when there is no energy left for me.
02:53That's when people decide to quit the relationship.
02:55But what we need to understand is that you're supposed to be the source of peace for me.
03:01And I'm supposed to be the source of peace for you.
03:04So, why do people fight?
03:05They fight because you're disturbing my peace.
03:08I'm going to have to restore that peace.
03:09And if you're not going to help me out, I'm going to take it forcefully.
03:12And that's when we start having friction and conflict.
03:16Because everybody wants to find peace in the relationship in a way that is meaningful to them.
03:20And if we're not comparable with that, and we're not flexible enough to give each other that peace,
03:25without feeling, you know, that I'm being drained completely,
03:28then people will fight all the time.
03:31How was our Prophet ﷺ to his wives?
03:33Oh my God.
03:34I mean, one of the most beautiful things, really, that I love to read about,
03:38the seer of the Prophet ﷺ, his personal life.
03:41And I collected many, many hadith on the personal life of the Prophet ﷺ.
03:46He was an unbelievable man, ﷺ.
03:48He was a great gentleman, ﷺ.
03:50And one of those stories when he married Safiya, radiallahu anha,
03:53they were on a journey, coming back from Khaybar at that time.
03:55And when it was time for her to, you know, mount the camel and go on the back of the camel,
04:03the camel is high.
04:05So the Prophet ﷺ, what he did, he kneeled down.
04:07He kneeled down and he prompted his other knee up for her
04:11so she could step on it as a stepping stone, like saying like a step.
04:17So she would step on his knee, ﷺ, to go up and climb on the back of the camel.
04:21While she was doing that, the Prophet ﷺ, with his chivalry,
04:25he was covering her with his outer garment.
04:29He was covering her like this when she was actually stepping on his knee.
04:32Why? Because when she raises her leg, obviously, to put her leg on his knee,
04:37it might reveal the other leg.
04:39So the Prophet ﷺ was covering her, ﷺ.
04:42That's chivalry.
04:43Just like what?
04:43Or chivalry, just like what?
04:45This is basically the meaning of being a real man over here.
04:49Because he was protective, ﷺ, and he was a gentleman.
04:52Today, it's like opening the door for your wife,
04:55holding the door for her when she goes through.
04:58That's the kind of treatment that Israel requires.
05:01For some cultures, unfortunately, they think this to be actually weakness,
05:04and it takes away from the image of them being masculine and being the man.
05:09I don't know how much they enjoy their relationship with their spouse.
05:13It's up to them.
05:14If it's not private, are you doing these kind of things to your wife?
05:16You need to ask my wife, not me.
05:19But I do.
05:21I do.
05:21Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah.
05:23No.
05:24How should spouses show respect to each other?
05:27You know, today, unfortunately, because of the kind of lifestyle we live today,
05:32even the word respect has become a very sensitive word.
05:35So nowadays, when women, they hear the word respect, they start itching.
05:39It's just like a very sensitive word for them,
05:40because they translate that into control, right?
05:44Obey or oppression.
05:45Yeah.
05:46The word obedience, they translate into oppression, for example.
05:50Unfortunately.
05:51So the word respect, the word obedience, translate into negative meanings, unfortunately.
05:56Now, I don't blame the women, because unfortunately, some men, they do actually.
06:00Unfortunately, they don't understand the meaning of respect.
06:02So they demand from them things that are beyond the meaning of respect.
06:06But really, the subject of respect also has a spectrum, cultural thing.
06:11What does that mean?
06:12In some cultures, you know, talking back to your spouse, that's disrespectful, right?
06:17In other cultures, normal.
06:19And even at the time of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, this really happened.
06:22And because the Meccans, in the time of the Prophet, the Meccans, the men were more masculine, you could say.
06:29And they were in charge of their households, probably.
06:32So they're always, you know, they're having control of the relationship.
06:36When they went to Medina, the Ansari women, they were more vocal.
06:40They're more actually out there, because probably they help with the field,
06:44and they work with the field, and so forth.
06:46So they're more courageous when it comes to speaking.
06:47So therefore, even Umar ibn Khattab was surprised that his wife started, you know,
06:52kind of learning from the Ansari women to answer back.
06:54And for him, it's like, wow, that was disrespectful, basically.
06:57So as we can learn from this, it would come to the meaning of respect.
07:00It's actually, it's a spectrum as well, too.
07:02So if someone marries from the same village, for example, or the same town,
07:07you expect your wife and your husband to treat you like you've seen, observed,
07:11your uncles, your cousins, your this and that, because we have the same culture.
07:15But when people marry cross-culture, or from the village, different town, different city,
07:21and they marry cross-culture, for instance,
07:23we will have a problem trying to maintain the meaning of respect.
07:27Why? Because for him, he thinks this is okay.
07:30For her, she thinks this is not okay.
07:32It might be the opposite.
07:33She might think it's not a problem, but for him, that's disrespectful, for example.
07:37So really, there is no one thing to say, this is what respect is.
07:41It goes back again to bil-ma'roof, which means how you decide what is considered reasonable,
07:47and what is not.
07:48So in traditional households, the man expects his wife to take care of everything.
07:53To take care of the cooking, and the cleaning, and taking care of the kids, and so on.
07:56The man's job is just to provide from outside.
07:58But in modern times, in modern societies, we see that people might expect differently.
08:03So if you demand from your spouse to do something for you,
08:06that's not disrespectful to them in this modern time, obviously.
08:09What about the Prophet ﷺ?
08:10The Prophet ﷺ's lifestyle was what they call transitional,
08:13which means it's between being traditional and egalitarian.
08:17So the Prophet ﷺ, when he's around the house,
08:20Aisha radiallahu alayhi wa sallam was asked,
08:22how was the Prophet ﷺ around the house?
08:23She goes,
08:24He's just like everybody else.
08:26He cleans, he takes care of his shoes,
08:29he fix his shirt, salallahu alayhi wa sallam,
08:31and he milked the goat for us.
08:33She goes, but when he hears the adhan, this is it.
08:37He's done.
08:37He goes back and he does what really a man needs to do.
08:41So yeah, if being the man does not necessarily mean you cannot help your family
08:45and taking care of the children or being reasonable with that.
08:49But at the same time, of course, the lady,
08:50she needs also to give her man the respect he deserves as well from her
08:54in terms of in return to his help and his assistance to the household.
08:58What was the common elements you observed in successful marriages?
09:02The most common, I would say, trait to a successful marriage
09:05really is akhlaq and manner.
09:07It doesn't matter how different you are.
09:09It doesn't matter how rich or poor you are.
09:10It doesn't matter how educated or otherwise you are.
09:13At the end of the day, what keeps people really together,
09:16the most important thing is their manners and their akhlaq,
09:18how they treat each other with respect.
09:21Even if you don't necessarily love them passionately, crazy love,
09:24you still have respect and dignity maintained in the relationship.
09:28That's how actually marriages really last.
09:31People, they ask me, what brings people together?
09:34Look, I said, what brings people together is compatibility.
09:38Like, I talk to you, so we see that we have the same vision,
09:41we have the same, you know, personality,
09:43we have the same maybe goals and dreams in life and so on.
09:47All of this is beautiful, helps people get together to get married.
09:50But then it doesn't guarantee continuity.
09:52So what guarantees continuity in a relationship is called flexibility.
09:57You have to be flexible, you have to be adaptable.
10:00Otherwise, if you're always rigid on how you understand love,
10:04how you're going to run the relationship,
10:06how you're going to raise your children,
10:08how you're going to achieve your goals,
10:09if you stick on the same principles from the time you get married,
10:13it's dangerous.
10:14Why?
10:14Because everybody changes.
10:16We all change.
10:18We change because we have kids.
10:19We change because now we're busier.
10:21We change because we're getting older.
10:24We change because, you know,
10:25our attention to things starts shifting and changing.
10:29And if you're not willing to be flexible enough
10:31to accept that change with your spouse
10:34and to adapt yourself to this change,
10:37the relationship doesn't last long.
10:39So it's important to be flexible.
10:41What brings flexibility in people's lives?
10:44Compassion.
10:46Empathy.
10:47Forgiveness.
10:48You know, open-minded person.
10:52Growth.
10:53The idea of growth.
10:54Like, you know what?
10:54We all grow as well, too.
10:55We have room for improvement.
10:58Those principles help people stay together.
11:01If they don't have that sense of empathy to each other,
11:04if they don't have compassion for one another,
11:06if they don't forgive,
11:07if they make mistakes, for example,
11:09if they don't accept them to grow in the relationship with you,
11:12then it's destined to do,
11:13destined to end, as a matter of fact.
11:15Now.
11:16So, yeah, what is the most common feature in the unsuccessful marriages?
11:20The most common thing for unsuccessful relationships
11:22is the lack of flexibility, really.
11:25When one person believes that everything has to go their way,
11:28it's my way or the highway.
11:29So, when the husband, for example, insists on things done in a certain way,
11:33and the wives insist on things be done in a certain way,
11:36and unfortunately, none of them is,
11:37neither one of them is flexible enough to come halfway,
11:41it becomes a problem.
11:43So, that is the most common thing.
11:45Now, what is the main reason for that?
11:47I'll tell you what.
11:48There are two things I usually teach my clients
11:50in regards to how to avoid failure in the relationship.
11:54Number one, something I like to call
11:56the silent killer of all relationship.
12:00That silent killer of all relationship
12:02is called expectation,
12:04or unmet expectation.
12:06What does that mean?
12:07We all come with a relationship with expectation.
12:09We come with hopes for things to happen in a certain way,
12:12from ourselves, from our spouse,
12:13from the relationship, from the society.
12:16But when you don't meet your expectation,
12:19you get disappointed.
12:20Too much of that leads to you getting upset and angry,
12:23because now you're developing uncertainties about,
12:25is that how it's going to be from now on?
12:27Is that how my life is going to look like?
12:29And when you start having these doubts,
12:30anxiety kicks in,
12:31because that's the first self-defense mechanism.
12:34And you start getting anxious about, you know,
12:36how it's going to look like in the future.
12:38Will change ever happen?
12:39And too many of these worries
12:42leads to start getting scared
12:43and afraid of the unknown.
12:46Too much of that paralyzes the person,
12:48and you go into numbness,
12:49because I can't make a decision anymore.
12:51And as a result,
12:52we start becoming very resentful.
12:53We start becoming compassion fatigue,
12:56and we start picking fights at the little things.
12:58And then we become depressed.
13:00Anything can tick you off,
13:01and anger will be always the manifestation of the problem.
13:04So that's the first thing.
13:06It's called the silent killer of our relationship,
13:08the unmet expectations.
13:10The second thing,
13:11I call it the tipping point.
13:13The tipping point is where people decide to quit
13:16and leave the marriage.
13:17And that is because
13:19what we always look for in a relationship
13:21is the same thing.
13:22Everybody looks for the same thing.
13:24And what is that?
13:24It's called peace and tranquility.
13:27And in modern time,
13:28we call this maybe emotional fulfillment.
13:31Emotional fulfillment gives you peace and tranquility.
13:33So the number one reason for people to divorce
13:36is because they say,
13:38I don't have emotional fulfillment anymore.
13:41What's the number one reason for that?
13:43Because I don't feel being appreciated.
13:46Lack of appreciation.
13:48How do you know you're not being appreciated?
13:50Says,
13:50I don't hear it.
13:52I don't see it for my spouse.
13:54So what appreciation are we looking for?
13:56What kind of compliments are we looking for?
13:58Verbal compliments like,
13:59thank you.
14:00Or you look amazing today.
14:02Thank you for helping me with this.
14:04Or physical,
14:05such as affection,
14:06like for example,
14:06a hug,
14:07a kiss,
14:07a touch means I feel safe with you.
14:09I love to be around you.
14:11When these things disappear from a relationship,
14:13people realize they're not being appreciated.
14:15They feel unfulfilled.
14:17And it becomes a catalyst for them to quit a relationship.
14:19So people go quiet
14:20after that
14:21because if there's nothing good to say,
14:23you go quiet.
14:24But then,
14:24how long can you stay silent?
14:26Not for too long.
14:27And the moment they open their mouths,
14:28what's going to come out of it?
14:30Nothing good.
14:31Criticism
14:31or judgment?
14:33You criticize the actions
14:34or judge the person and the character.
14:37And that will be the killer.
14:39What do men or women look for the most in the marriage?
14:42Usually,
14:42when you talk about
14:44what men and women
14:44do you really expect the most
14:46or they need the most from each other?
14:48In one word,
14:48they need many things, right?
14:49But in one word,
14:51what women really need from a man
14:53is called love.
14:54In one word,
14:55what a man needs from a woman
14:56is called respect.
14:58So,
14:58however,
14:59love and respect,
15:00they're synonymous.
15:01Which means
15:02they are the same
15:03but men and women
15:03speak different dialects.
15:04Which means
15:05a man still needs to be loved.
15:07But he sees love
15:08through respect.
15:09And a woman needs respect as well too.
15:11She sees that
15:12through, of course,
15:13being cherished
15:14and being loved
15:15as well too.
15:15The problem
15:16where it happens
15:17is that
15:17when a man
15:18doesn't express love
15:20to his wife,
15:21she's not going to respect.
15:22And when the man
15:23is not respected,
15:24he's not going to show her love.
15:26And as it becomes a cycle,
15:28without love,
15:29she reacts
15:30without respect,
15:31he reacts
15:32without love,
15:33she reacts
15:33without respect,
15:34on and on and on.
15:36Someone has to break that cycle.
15:38No matter what,
15:39we need to show love
15:40and respect to one another.
15:42Okay,
15:42but how do we do that?
15:43Because I thought
15:43I was doing this, right?
15:45Well,
15:46in order for this to happen,
15:47you have to do it
15:48in a way
15:49that is meaningful
15:49to your spouse.
15:51Even if it doesn't
15:51make sense to you.
15:53I keep telling the people,
15:54take the example
15:55of the lady,
15:55she likes dark chocolate
15:57and the guy,
15:58he likes milk chocolate.
15:59Every time he wants
16:00to be nice to her,
16:01he buys her milk chocolate.
16:03How is she going to feel
16:03at some point?
16:05Disappointed?
16:06She feels lonely
16:07because he's just
16:07being very selfish.
16:09She thinks of himself
16:10all the time.
16:11And when she tries
16:12to express herself,
16:13the man gets offended
16:14because he thought
16:15he was doing a great job.
16:16And he would tell her,
16:17well,
16:17I'm buying you
16:18the best chocolate
16:19in the market.
16:20That's Belgium chocolate.
16:21You know,
16:21it's amazing.
16:22But she would say,
16:23but I like dark chocolate.
16:24And he insists,
16:25no, no, no.
16:25Who likes dark chocolate anyway?
16:27Milk chocolate
16:28is better than dark chocolate.
16:29As a matter of fact,
16:30a lot of husband and wife,
16:31this is how the relationship is.
16:32He wants to love her
16:33in a way that is meaningful
16:34to him.
16:35And she wants to show him
16:36respect or love
16:37that in a way
16:38that is meaningful to her.
16:39And as a result,
16:40we become completely divided.
16:42So for the man
16:43to love his wife,
16:44he needs to show her love
16:45in a way that is meaningful
16:46to her,
16:47even if it doesn't
16:47make sense to him.
16:48And same thing
16:49that a woman does
16:49to her husband
16:50in a way that is meaningful
16:52to him,
16:52even if it doesn't
16:53make sense to her.
16:54As long as it's not haram
16:56and is not crazy,
16:58why not?
17:00Can you tell us
17:00a heart-touching story
17:01from our Prophet
17:03wasallahu alayhi wa sallam's marriage?
17:04His kindness,
17:06his understanding,
17:07really he was
17:07very, very understanding,
17:09very kind,
17:10very compassionate.
17:12He understands
17:12the needs of his spouses
17:13sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
17:14One of those examples,
17:16Safiya.
17:17Safiya radiallahu anha,
17:18she comes from
17:19a Jewish tradition.
17:20So when she married
17:21the Prophet
17:22and moved to Medina,
17:24she was the only one
17:24that we know
17:25that she would
17:26frequently visit
17:27the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
17:28in his i'tikaf
17:28when he's in the last
17:29ten nights of Ramadan.
17:31I mean,
17:31he's busy doing ibadah
17:32sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
17:33Why would you go
17:33and visit him?
17:35You know why?
17:35Because she's the only
17:36probably wife
17:37of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
17:38who had no relatives
17:39in Medina.
17:40All the other women,
17:42they had their cousins,
17:42they had their parents,
17:43they had their family.
17:44Because they were Arab
17:45predominantly,
17:46except for Maria
17:47who came afterwards,
17:47obviously.
17:48But Safiya had no family
17:49in Medina for her
17:51except Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
17:53So she misses him.
17:54So she goes to visit him
17:55when he's doing his i'tikaf
17:56in the masjid sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
17:59Guess what he does?
18:00Does he tell her
18:01what are you doing here?
18:02Come on,
18:02the i'tikaf.
18:03Let me finish this.
18:04I'm waiting for,
18:05to witness
18:07the little qadr.
18:08He didn't say that.
18:09He didn't say,
18:10Astaghfirullah,
18:10you come to the masjid
18:11this time right now,
18:12go back.
18:13She came at night
18:13to visit the Prophet
18:14sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
18:15because she misses her husband.
18:16He sat with her,
18:18he chatted with her,
18:19he talked to her
18:20in the masjid
18:21and then when she was satisfied
18:23as she was leaving,
18:25he escorted her.
18:26He walked out with her
18:27sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
18:28and obviously
18:30she's not done,
18:30she's going to continue
18:31to talk with him
18:32because she loves
18:32the moment with him.
18:33Right?
18:33So he was still talking to her.
18:35He basically,
18:36he was entertaining
18:37her time for her
18:38because that's
18:39very valuable for her.
18:40So what we learn
18:41from the story
18:42is how much
18:42the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
18:44really cared about
18:45Safiya
18:46and her feelings
18:48and her emotions
18:48that he dedicated
18:50this time for her.
18:51So what I can say
18:52about the Prophet
18:53he was very loving,
18:53very caring.
18:55He was very compassionate
18:57sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
18:58The manifestation of that
19:00was seen in the last time
19:01of his,
19:02the last days of his life.
19:03When he was kept saying
19:04when he was ill,
19:05where am I going to be tomorrow?
19:06Where am I going to be tomorrow?
19:07Because he had to rotate
19:08between the houses
19:09and the other wife
19:10they said
19:10Ya Rasulullah
19:11you stay with Aisha
19:11we come to visit you.
19:13And the sight,
19:14the last moment
19:15is beautiful.
19:17Aisha she said
19:18she was holding
19:18the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
19:19bringing his back
19:21on her chest
19:21like leaning him
19:22back on her chest
19:24and holding his hand
19:25sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
19:26reciting the Quran
19:27for him
19:27and wiping with his
19:29blessed hand
19:29over his body
19:30to ease his pain.
19:32When she was describing
19:33the story
19:33what did she say?
19:34She goes
19:34Ma tabayna
19:36haqinati
19:37wadaqinati
19:38he died between my chest
19:39and my chin.
19:41What does that mean?
19:42She said
19:42I never let go
19:43of my husband
19:44until the last breath.
19:46What a beautiful moment.
19:49I come telling you
19:49every husband
19:51probably would wish
19:52that their moment
19:53to be like
19:53why do you think
19:55the divorce rates
19:56are high?
19:56Have you ever been
19:57a means to save
19:58a marriage
19:58when it was about
19:59to end?
20:00Alhamdulillah
20:00I did actually
20:01was able to save
20:02a lot of marriages
20:02really
20:03but I don't
20:04claim that I was
20:05able to be successful
20:05with everybody.
20:06Unfortunately
20:07many many people
20:08they come in the
20:08last minute
20:09like they are
20:11forced to come
20:11for consulting
20:12or counselling
20:13they've been stubborn
20:14they don't want to come
20:15they don't believe in that
20:16why do I have to
20:17bring someone
20:17who's stranger
20:18to talk to us
20:18about our marriage?
20:20So they come
20:20in the last throw
20:21and they think
20:22that you're going
20:22to make a miracle
20:23to save their marriages
20:24but unfortunately
20:25when things go bad
20:26they blame it
20:26on the consultation
20:27they don't blame it
20:29on themselves
20:29but other than
20:30Alhamdulillah
20:30some other people
20:31MashaAllah
20:31we were able
20:32to save their marriages
20:33Alhamdulillah
20:34it really gives me
20:35great pleasure
20:35to always meet people
20:37in my life
20:38different conferences
20:39different travels
20:40and so on
20:40and when they tell you
20:41Alhamdulillah
20:42you know
20:42we did counselling
20:43with you
20:44or we
20:44you know
20:45did this for us
20:45Alhamdulillah
20:46and we just want
20:46to let you know
20:47that that was very
20:47helpful
20:48Alhamdulillah
20:49saved our marriages
20:49now
20:51what are the
20:51the main reasons
20:52for people to divorce
20:53there are many reasons
20:54obviously
20:54there are many reasons
20:56nowadays
20:57one of the main reasons
20:59really is
21:00men unfortunately
21:01are not stepping up
21:02to become the men
21:04meaning they're not
21:05leading their household
21:06the way they should be
21:07and women unfortunately
21:08don't want to assume
21:09their role
21:09as the wife
21:11and the mother
21:11in the house
21:12so as a result
21:13we are now creating
21:13imbalance in terms of roles
21:15the man
21:16he wants to get married
21:17and still
21:18live a single life
21:19the lady
21:19she wants to get married
21:20and live a single life
21:21in reality
21:22in marriage
21:23it doesn't work like this
21:25that doesn't
21:26that doesn't create
21:27a healthy dynamic
21:28for a husband and wife
21:29and a family life
21:30nowadays
21:31as a result of that
21:32you'll find
21:32a lot of young people
21:33today coming to you
21:34says
21:35is it okay
21:35if we get married
21:36without having kids
21:37or not having kids
21:38like they don't want
21:39to have kids
21:39and Islamically speaking
21:41it's not haram
21:41you can
21:43if you don't want
21:43to have kids
21:44but
21:45how are you going
21:46to survive
21:47in this relationship
21:48at some point
21:49it's going to get boring
21:50and having kids
21:51is another purpose
21:51for the relationship
21:52to succeed
21:53and actually go through
21:54it doesn't make it
21:56easy though
21:56but it becomes
21:58another reason
21:59for it to be sustained
22:00and actually
22:01to stay longer
22:02so yeah
22:03sometimes we find
22:04that unfortunately
22:04men and women
22:05they don't really
22:06understand what marriage is
22:07so when they come
22:08they come with
22:09their expectations
22:10from each other
22:11and when those
22:12expectations are not met
22:13they just grow apart
22:14is it right
22:16to end an unhappy
22:17marriage
22:17or to be patient
22:18and say that
22:19it's a test
22:20and not end it
22:21when we say
22:22unhappy marriage
22:23if the marriage
22:25is not necessarily
22:26abusive
22:28if there is no
22:30excessive hardship
22:32in the relationship
22:33maintaining it
22:34for the sake
22:35of the children
22:35and for the sake
22:36of course
22:36maintaining a relationship
22:38with the individual
22:39is still better
22:40Allah says in the Quran
22:41was sulhu khayr
22:42means they should
22:42actually find
22:43some settlement
22:44before they make
22:45a divorce
22:45and that settlement
22:46is to minimize
22:47and reduce
22:49the obligation
22:50of marriage
22:50to the minimum
22:51so that's better
22:52for them
22:52than full divorce
22:53but if the relationship
22:54was of course
22:55abusive
22:56and becomes dangerous
22:58and unhealthy
22:58and toxic
22:59then separation
23:01is better for them
23:02wallah
23:03tell me something
23:04that will soften
23:05the situation
23:05decrease the tension
23:06between me
23:07and my wife
23:07every time
23:08I face a problem
23:08in my marriage
23:09I'udhu billah
23:10minu shaytanirrajim
23:11sincerely from the heart
23:13really
23:13you know
23:14Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
23:15gave us a solution
23:16for these issues
23:17in surat fussilat
23:18chapter 41
23:19in the Quran
23:19verses 33
23:21through 36
23:22Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
23:24in the context
23:24of this ayat
23:25he says
23:25I'm not going to mention
23:27all the ayat
23:27but Allah says
23:28idfaa billatihi ahsan
23:30always respond
23:31in that which is best
23:32what does that even mean
23:33you see
23:34the Arabic word
23:35idfaa means push
23:36and pushing requires
23:38you're sweating
23:39you're getting fatigued
23:40and tired
23:40what does that mean
23:41in marriage
23:42there's going to be
23:42a lot of moments
23:43you're going to have
23:43to push back
23:44but you need to push back
23:46against the shaytan
23:46because the shaytan
23:48is going to tell you
23:48yell
23:49curse
23:50do this
23:51do that
23:52but you need to push back
23:54away from this
23:54he says
23:55idfaa billatihi ahsan
23:56always respond
23:57in that which is best
23:59so if your spouse
24:00treated you at that level
24:01you treat them
24:02at that level
24:03better
24:04because
24:05you don't treat them
24:06based on who they are
24:08you treat them
24:09based on who you are
24:10and I have a high
24:11standard of character
24:12I need to maintain
24:13that standard of character
24:14well he started
24:15she started
24:16I don't care
24:17I want to do the right
24:18thing all the time
24:18that's what matters
24:19here for us
24:20so yeah
24:21doing the right thing
24:23is important
24:23so Allah says
24:23idfaa billati ahsan
24:25always respond
24:25in that which is best
24:26perhaps with whom
24:27you have hostility
24:27or feud
24:28become the most beloved
24:29person to you
24:30and Allah knows
24:31it's not going to be easy
24:32he says
24:33only those who
24:36persevere in patience
24:36will handle that
24:37which means
24:38being patient
24:39is very important
24:40and there is no
24:41price tag on patience
24:43in the Quran
24:43because you can't
24:44put a value on patience
24:46and he says
24:46that's why he says
24:49your prize is with me
24:50not with the people
24:51and I will give you
24:53your had
24:53I'll give you the reward
24:54for your patience
24:55so the idea is that
24:56look
24:56we need to be kind
24:58to each other
24:58we need to be
24:59we need to be
25:00patient with one another
25:02and we need to expect
25:03them to make mistakes
25:04and we need to learn
25:05to forgive
25:06forget
25:07and grow together
25:08that's very important
25:10did the prophet
25:11a.s. ever have
25:12arguments
25:13with his wives
25:14or was it always
25:15like flowery
25:16and always happy
25:18did it idealistic
25:20to expect such a thing
25:20no no no
25:21his household
25:22was a normal household
25:24s.a.w.
25:24he had to deal
25:25with silent treatment
25:26he had to deal
25:28with his wife
25:29demanding more money
25:30more sustenance
25:31he had to deal
25:33with sometimes
25:34a feud
25:35between the wives
25:36and even sometimes
25:36his daughter
25:37and Aisha
25:37radiallahu anha
25:38like every household
25:40they had issues
25:41with anger issues
25:42they had issues
25:42with sustenance
25:44with tatib
25:45of things
25:45and so on
25:46and it's all
25:47in books of hadith
25:48they're mentioned
25:49to us in books
25:50of the hadith
25:50of the prophet
25:50s.a.w.
25:51he had to deal
25:52with these difficult
25:52things
25:53and the best
25:55way of dealing
25:56with these difficult
25:56manners
25:57is manners
25:58s.a.w.
25:59yeah
25:59Yasir
25:59we just
26:00thank you
26:00for your answers
26:00we learn a lot
26:01from you
26:01may Allah reward
26:02you for all
26:03your efforts
26:03for this
26:03umrah
26:04rizakallah khairan
26:04thank you very
26:05much for having
26:05me here with you
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