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00:00You
00:11Patty had no idea what was about to hit her
00:19And I had no idea that when I bought my first dildo, I'd be using it on a man if I cry
00:30I
00:39Thought I'd be using that dildo to surprise D. Oh
00:44Shit
00:47But instead I got surprised D was lying to me what the hell
00:53She said she was staying home to study, so I followed her to find out what she was up to
01:00It was weird enough. She was staying in a motel right across the street from the state pageant
01:06And then my worst suspicions were confirmed
01:15Nani this is you studying who was that?
01:18It's not what it looks like
01:20What it looks like is you're lying
01:22She's my editor
01:24Editor?
01:26I'm working undercover as an investigative journalist at a webzine
01:30I got in a pageant to write an expose about the pageant world
01:33Are you telling me I'm living in a real-life version of never been kissed?
01:36I tried to tell you
01:38Well now that you have we're done
01:40I'm sick of all the lies
01:42But it never been kissed they forget about the lies
01:44They live happily ever after
01:46The bad news was my first relationship was over
01:52The good news was my bestie was right across the street for some support
01:56I just wouldn't know what to do with my street anyway
02:06Now there's no looking forward
02:08Now there's no...
02:10Let me look out!
02:12No!
02:14No!
02:16No!
02:18No!
02:20No!
02:22No!
02:24Oh my God
02:26Asshat!
02:27I'm calling 911
02:30I thought I was in control of my life
02:33And then someone tried to end it
02:35Why had this happened?
02:36Was it some kind of sign that I shouldn't be chasing the crown?
02:40Do you remember anything else about the attacker?
02:42Did he say anything to you or?
02:44Patty look out!
02:47No, I just remember the sound of the tie wire
02:50Ms. Bledel, did you remember something else?
02:56I'm a dead person! I'm a dead person!
03:00Patty, are you okay?
03:05You about finished here?
03:07Detective, you've been questioning her for hours.
03:09We'll let you know if we have any more questions.
03:11Just be aware.
03:13Acts of violence can often cause trauma
03:15or trigger other deep-rooted fears or anxieties.
03:18Mm-hmm. We'll keep an eye out.
03:20I brought you some food.
03:26Patty?
03:27No, thanks. Too upset to eat.
03:30Patty, is this normal, upset, not eating,
03:33or is this disordered, not eating?
03:35I mean, did you at least eat at the meet-and-greet?
03:37Yes. That's the problem. I had too much pizza.
03:40I was headed to the gym when all of this happened.
03:43Now I can't eat until after the pageant,
03:45because if I do, then I'll have even more calories to burn,
03:47and I only have a few hours left
03:48until I have to get on stage,
03:49and I saw I haven't been able to make it to the gym.
03:51Patty, you almost died.
03:54And all you care about is the gym?
03:55You don't understand.
03:56We are taking you home
03:58and getting you to an OA meeting now.
04:00Or Patty's old sponsor is right across the street.
04:03Dee, what is she doing here?
04:04Long story.
04:05Tell me.
04:06You can catch up on the way.
04:07We're going to see Dee, and I'm calling your mom.
04:10Why even bother?
04:11It's not like she'll show up anyway.
04:22Oh.
04:23Well.
04:25Isn't this my lucky day?
04:27We need to talk about your tits.
04:29Peace.
04:30I know.
04:31They're amazing, right?
04:33But I'm on my way out.
04:35You have something that belongs to us.
04:37What the fuck?
04:38Hey!
04:41I can't believe you and Dee broke up.
04:43You okay?
04:44I'm just more worried about you.
04:45Nani?
04:47Nani, move!
04:48Hey.
04:49Oh.
04:51Nani, thank you.
04:55For what?
04:56For catching the man who killed my daughter.
04:58What are you talking about?
05:01The pageant killer.
05:02Wait, I was almost attacked by the pageant killer?
05:04Detective Cruz had a theory that he'd kill again at Stite.
05:07That's why we're here.
05:08Well, I don't know.
05:10He didn't seem like a serial killer to me.
05:12Let the professionals take it from here, sweetheart.
05:15We're headed back to Masonville now.
05:16We're going to build a case.
05:18Sweetheart?
05:19Was he kidding?
05:20If Patty's attacker was the pageant killer,
05:23I had caught him when they couldn't.
05:24So maybe I could find a clue to help build a case.
05:27I needed to go back to the scene of the crime.
05:30Do you guys mind if I just stay here?
05:33I just don't want things to be weird with Dee.
05:35Yeah.
05:36No, of course.
05:37Do whatever you need.
05:39We'll text you.
05:39Okay.
05:39Okay.
05:46Hi.
05:47I don't know if you remember me.
05:48Yeah.
05:49You're Patty's pager coat.
05:51And hi, Patty.
05:53I know you're not her sponsor anymore,
05:56but she's in crisis.
05:57Dee, is everything okay?
06:00Who's in there with you?
06:06You.
06:07Nosy guy from the gym.
06:09Hey, girl.
06:11And hey, girl.
06:12You guys know each other?
06:14What are you doing here?
06:15He's my sponsor in OA.
06:19I called him when Nani dumped me.
06:22Wait, you're in OA?
06:24That's why you were so concerned about me at the gym.
06:28This is so weird.
06:29The day that I met you,
06:30I went to the gym instead of going to an OA meeting.
06:33And then I met you.
06:35And now, here you are.
06:37That sounds like a god shot to me.
06:40What's a god shot?
06:41It's a program term.
06:43It's when the universe gives you what you need
06:44at just the right moment.
06:46Sort of like you showing up here now.
06:49Jonathan was telling me to reach out to you
06:50to make amends.
06:51Me?
06:52Why would you be making amends to me?
06:54Nani's the one you lied to.
06:57Tell her.
06:58Otherwise, you'll eat.
07:00I was writing a pageant expose.
07:03You were my way in.
07:04And Patty, the pageant killer, was my angle.
07:07Seriously?
07:08Come on.
07:09Let's go.
07:10We'll find you help somewhere else.
07:11No, wait.
07:12I know I should have told you,
07:14but let Jonathan help you.
07:16Please.
07:17As a way for me to make amends.
07:19He's a great sponsor.
07:20And you said you were in crisis.
07:22I mean, I am available.
07:23What's going on?
07:25I told you.
07:26I can't do this.
07:27Patty, if you don't eat, I'm taking you home.
07:29Maybe we need to take the focus off the food for a second.
07:32Look.
07:34There's a lot of different ways to recover.
07:36Mine was spiritual.
07:37First things first.
07:39We need to get you a higher power.
07:41You mean like God?
07:43It can be anything more powerful than you.
07:45Like the universe.
07:47The ocean.
07:48Nature.
07:49For me, it's my higher self.
07:51What's that?
07:52The me that hasn't bought into all the obsession
07:55and calorie counting and fat shaming and self-loathing.
08:00I don't know.
08:01Close your eyes.
08:02Yes.
08:02Imagine the most loving, wise version of yourself you can.
08:17Got it?
08:18I think so.
08:21Yeah.
08:25So, whenever you're trying to figure out your next right action,
08:28just ask her for guidance.
08:29I need to stay to compete in the pageant.
08:36I'm afraid if I don't, if I just give up on myself, I'm just gonna binge.
08:42Or something worse.
08:43Jonathan may have known recovery, but I knew Patty, and I knew what could happen if she lost.
08:50If you are really gonna stay, I'm gonna make sure that you win.
08:56But you need to be in the right headspace.
08:59And if that means working with young Richard Simmons here, fine.
09:02But none of us are going anywhere until you eat.
09:06Got it?
09:18Bob was gone, Rick had plans, and Barnard was otherwise engaged.
09:23I hated being alone, so I decided to order in.
09:26Hi.
09:29Okay.
09:41Ooh.
09:43These are some serious knots.
09:45What's going on with you, Mrs. Armstrong?
09:46Well, for starters, I'm not Mrs. Armstrong anymore.
09:52Oh, cool.
09:53My sister transitioned last year, so.
09:56No.
09:57No, that's not what I meant.
09:59Bob and I are getting a divorce.
10:01Oh, that explains why you called.
10:03I've never heard from you since you and I, you know.
10:07Now that Bob's out of the picture, maybe we can...
10:09No, no, no, Shane.
10:11That's not why I called.
10:13I didn't call you for sex.
10:14I just, I needed a massage.
10:16Massage it is, then.
10:20I swear I didn't call you for sex.
10:28It's just you were always such a good listener.
10:29I know that Bob's gone.
10:31My son's never home, and my bestie has a new boy crush.
10:34Are you open to some feedback?
10:36Too much tea?
10:37I mean, yes, but no.
10:40I'm only a semester away from being certified as a life coach,
10:43and I think it's pretty important that we...
10:45Okay, okay, what is it, Shane?
10:47Maybe stop avoiding being alone.
10:50If I were you, I'd look at this time as an opportunity.
10:54Look inward.
10:55Get to know yourself.
10:56You two should really get a room.
11:05Oh, it's not, it's not what it looks like.
11:08I'm reenacting a crime scene, seeing what I missed.
11:11My friend was the girl who got attacked.
11:13I saved her.
11:15Oh, you're Detective Dildo?
11:18No, I'm Nonny.
11:20Hmm, you should stick with the Detective Dildo.
11:23I'm Fiona, and this is Heather, Christina, Pamela, Kendall.
11:27Jackson Johnson.
11:28Really?
11:29And you're gonna make fun of my name?
11:31Can we help with the reenacting and stuff?
11:35What?
11:36I love all that CSI, SVU, HPV stuff.
11:40It would be helpful to have someone play the attacker,
11:43and you could be Patty.
11:45Ew.
11:46Fine.
11:47I'll be Patty.
11:48You be the killer.
11:48No.
11:49Patty will have more lines.
11:51I'll be her.
11:52Just tell us what to do.
11:53Okay, so the attacker was behind Patty, about to hit her.
12:00Um, no, not like that.
12:02It was, um, more like this.
12:05Like this?
12:06Um, no.
12:08It was like this.
12:11Like he was aiming for her knee?
12:14Yes, exactly.
12:16But wait, if he was gonna kill her,
12:17why bother to kneecap her first?
12:19It just doesn't make sense.
12:20Brad, none of this makes sense.
12:23Come on, Fiona, let's go.
12:25Unless he wasn't trying to kill her.
12:28Maybe he was just trying to make sure she couldn't compete.
12:31Like that movie with the girl who plays Harley Quinn?
12:33You know, um, the one who tries to take out that Olympic skater?
12:37Yes!
12:37I loved that movie.
12:39I'm bored.
12:40Can we go?
12:40We still have to finish getting ready for the pageant.
12:44See you around.
12:45Who's keys were these?
13:02Could they have belonged to Patty's attacker?
13:04Was this a clue?
13:11God damn it.
13:13Let's go.
13:14Where the hell is everybody?
13:29Happy birthday!
13:30My birthday's in July.
13:32No, honey.
13:33Your birthday's today.
13:35What?
13:36We didn't want to tell you because it would have ruined the surprise.
13:39We're gonna make up for all the birthdays we missed during your childhood.
13:42There's gonna be clowns.
13:44A bouncy house?
13:45A bouncy house?
13:46A cotton candy machine?
13:47And a magician?
13:48The magician just canceled.
13:50He has the flu.
13:51Oh, man.
13:52Growing up, I always wanted a magician at my parties, but my mom always said never to trust
13:56a man who pulls rodents out of a hoe.
13:58You mean out of a hat?
14:00Well, it depends on the trick.
14:02Um, I know some magic.
14:04Maybe I could do a show?
14:06You know magic?
14:08Yeah, well, a little.
14:09I mean, it's been years.
14:10I haven't done it since I was a kid.
14:11But if you could get a deck of cards, a cocktail napkin, some quarters, a salt shaker, I can try.
14:21Jonathan could save Patty from the food, but I could save her from herself.
14:26I still believed if I could get her that crown, it would heal all her wounds.
14:30Ouch!
14:31Okay, so the sooner we get through the first three steps, the better.
14:33But we're kind of in a triage situation, so I'm thinking I'll just talk you through it.
14:38Can we do it while she tries on a dress?
14:39Can we just wait?
14:40Not if you don't want her naked on stage in an hour.
14:43Okay, manwig.
14:44It's a hair system.
14:46You can tell.
14:47You can't?
14:49Mm.
14:49I'm assuming that's for you.
14:54Hey.
14:55Are you on your way?
14:56Oh, Patty, thank God you're okay.
14:58I've been trying to call yourself.
15:00Yeah, you got smashed.
15:01I don't know what to do.
15:02I want to be there for you, but it's the first time we're having a birthday party for Dixie,
15:06and my mom's giving me a hard time.
15:08Look, I get it, but I miss you.
15:10Can you get here after the party?
15:12I'll see what I can do.
15:13Okay.
15:14Tell Dixie I said happy birthday.
15:15I gotta go.
15:16Bye.
15:17The pageant is in an hour.
15:19I'm gonna try your mom again.
15:20What's the point?
15:21She doesn't care.
15:23Her daughter got attacked, and she still hasn't called back.
15:25I wonder where she's up to this time.
15:26She skipped town, or on a bender, or facedown a pile of dicks.
15:30Okay.
15:31Now I want to meet your mom.
15:32Make yourself comfortable.
15:49We're waiting for the surgeon.
15:52How in the world did you go through all that gum?
16:02Well, it's a thing since I quit smoking.
16:05You know, when I'm piecing a case together in my head, I chew a lot of gum.
16:10You okay?
16:14Yeah.
16:15I mean, I'm glad Roxy's killer was caught.
16:18I just wish I was the one.
16:21It's stupid, I know.
16:22No, it's not stupid.
16:24I wish I'd caught him, too.
16:25I just wanted to be a hero.
16:29Well, it's a big relief to know he's behind bars, huh?
16:33I wanted to be a hero to you.
16:41Oh.
16:43Well.
16:45Well, that's sweet.
16:49You're blushing.
16:50I'm just confused.
16:52We had a hotel room, and you didn't make a move.
16:54I didn't want to mix business with pleasure, but now that the killer's been caught...
17:03Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this year's Miss Georgia, American Lady.
17:15I know there was a lot of drama earlier, but I want to assure everyone that there is nothing
17:22to fear.
17:23They've caught the pageant killer, and he's behind bars.
17:26So it's time to rejoice.
17:29Think about everything that pageants have overcome.
17:32Feminism, the no-make-up challenge, and now, murder.
17:39So let's celebrate by welcoming our contestants.
17:45First off, from Alpharetta, Miss Western Georgia Bounty.
17:50She's a twin who loves pink and thinks 9-11 was a hoax.
17:54Heather, Christina, Pamela, Kendall, Jackson, Johnson.
17:57This is so exciting.
18:02I'm so proud of you for pushing through.
18:04It reminds me of that time Enrique Iglesias cut his hand on that camera drone in the middle
18:09of a concert, and he just kept on performing.
18:11Underneath the walnut.
18:12And that's when I realized I could crack a walnut without using my hands.
18:19Thank you, Heather, Christina, Pamela, Kendall, Jackson, Johnson.
18:23And now, for our next contestant.
18:26She speaks three languages, hopes to someday become a vet, and says she can move furniture
18:32with her mind.
18:33Please welcome Miss Historic Georgia Abundance, Fiona Karen Jeffries.
18:40Just remember, the results are up to God, so let go.
18:44Hey, no, she can't just let go.
18:48Whatever happens, you'll be fine.
18:50As long as you win, remember to smile.
18:53So the backup plan was buttercups.
18:56And that horse, made for the most delicious Thanksgiving dinner we ever had.
19:02Thank you, Fiona.
19:04And now, for our next contestant, Miss Northeastern Georgia Dreams, Patty Bledel.
19:11Look.
19:12Look.
19:15She's a Scorpio who loves Drew Barrymore movies and just survived a vicious attack.
19:21Miss Bledel, I'd like to commend you on continuing to compete in the pageant, in light of the
19:31recent attempt on your life.
19:34You've set a shining example for the young women here on this stage of what it means to
19:39show up in the face of adversity.
19:46They loved me.
19:48Maybe getting attacked was the best thing that ever happened to me.
19:50Maybe it was all a God shock.
19:53The question I have for you is, how does it feel to be a hero?
19:59You're not a hero.
20:01You're the villain.
20:02Miss Bledel.
20:07I, um, personally believe that U.S. Americans are heroes because...
20:13diversity, education, and GPS, such as Julio Iglesias for singing on stage when a flying robot
20:35tried to kill him.
20:37Also, Iglesias means churches in Spanish.
20:46Patty, what happened?
20:49I...
20:49I am not a hero.
20:52Nani is.
20:53I mean, she hit that guy one time, and then she called the cops.
20:55Not me.
20:56Patty, stop talking.
20:57Now.
20:57I don't deserve to be here.
21:00I have done horrible things.
21:02Oh, honey, we all have, but we are going to get you through this.
21:05Yes.
21:06You're going to write a list of anything bad you're holding on to and read it to me.
21:09No.
21:10In program, we call it an inventory.
21:12It's a way to get out your secrets so you can let go and move on.
21:17Wait here.
21:18I have a notepad in my bag.
21:19Patty could not write that inventory.
21:21It was as good as a written confession.
21:25I was missing Patty's big moment, but I hope she'd understand.
21:30After all, I was trying to find out why she was under attack.
21:51He wasn't the pageant killer.
21:56He was a hired hit.
21:58Somebody paid him to take Patty out of the running.
22:01But who?
22:05Now that I had some leverage, maybe I could pay him a visit and ask him myself.
22:16Oh, my God, Marie!
22:18You really are magic!
22:19I can do another trick.
22:20I just need some straws and a plastic cup.
22:23Oh, no.
22:25What's wrong?
22:26Well, you're being trolled on your YouTube videos.
22:30Look.
22:33Quit mansplaining how to mansplain?
22:36What does that even mean?
22:38It means instead of all this good guys do and don't bullshit, you should do magic videos.
22:42Teach people how to do tricks.
22:43No, a good magician never reveals his secrets.
22:46Oh, come on, Rick.
22:47You're really good at this.
22:49Buzz.
22:50I could be your pot assistant, and you could make my clothes disappear.
22:58What are you still doing here?
23:00You should be at the pageant with Patty.
23:01You sure?
23:02Yes.
23:03I mean, thank you for staying, but please, go.
23:08Okay, well, before I leave, I wanted to give you your birthday present.
23:20It's a plane ticket to Minnesota.
23:22You're sending me away?
23:23No, no, no.
23:24We would love for you to come back home with us.
23:26Make up for lost time.
23:27Wow.
23:28I mean, it doesn't have to be forever.
23:32Just think about it, Dixie.
23:36Go!
23:37I'll cover for you with mom.
23:39Oh, my God.
23:40That was like our first real brother-sister moment ever.
23:43Okay, well, it won't be our last.
23:45I had spent 18 years not knowing my bio fam, but getting them back was the best birthday gift of all.
23:55Happy birthday to you.
24:00Happy birthday to you.
24:04Happy birthday to you.
24:06What?
24:06I'm 20?
24:08I'm 20?
24:25I couldn't write a list of all the bad things I had done.
24:35It was the most incriminating thing I could ever do.
24:38Well, other than killing two, maybe three people.
24:40What do you got?
24:42I got nothing.
24:44Howdy.
24:45The big book says the only people who can't recover are those who are constitutionally incapable of being honest.
24:50Then maybe the 12 steps aren't for me.
24:53You said there are many ways for someone to recover.
24:55Yeah, but they all require you to dig deep.
24:57Tell the truth.
24:58Then I was definitely screwed.
25:00Please welcome Miss Northeastern Georgia Dream, Miss Patty Bledal.
25:15Maybe I didn't need an inventory.
25:17If I won, my list of sins would be erased.
25:25Unless my sins erased any chance I had of winning.
25:35And just like that, I watched the crown slip through my fingers.
25:39What is happening?
25:52I ruined everything.
25:53No, you didn't.
25:54Look, I'll ask the judges for a redo.
25:56I'm sure they'll be forgiving under these circumstances.
25:58No, I don't deserve forgiveness.
25:59What are you doing?
26:02I can't.
26:04I can't be honest with anyone.
26:08Which means recovery is not for me.
26:14Don't.
26:15What do you mean?
26:15She needs me.
26:16She has to choose recovery.
26:18You can't choose it for her.
26:19Screw that.
26:26Patty.
26:27Wait.
26:30Wait.
26:31Why?
26:32It's over, Bob.
26:33No Miss Georgia.
26:34No Miss American Lady.
26:35Whatever is going on, you can be honest with me.
26:39Except I couldn't.
26:40Even Bob didn't know about Gordy.
26:42I can't.
26:43There are some things that I still can't tell you.
26:45What are you talking about?
26:47You can tell me anything.
26:49I helped you marry a potty.
26:52Yeah, exactly.
26:53And now neither one of us can ever be honest with anyone, ever again.
26:57Look, I get it.
26:59All you ever wanted to do was help me.
27:01But you can't.
27:03Too much has happened.
27:05You can't save me, Bob.
27:07Nobody can.
27:07I thought Patty was my destiny.
27:14I thought I was doing the right thing.
27:17But maybe I was wrong.
27:19She wanted to turn herself in for Christian and Stella Rose.
27:23But I stopped her.
27:25And now she couldn't get recovery because of me.
27:28How could I have let this happen?
27:32Was I broken just like her?
27:35What was wrong with me?
27:37I've been doing it my entire life.
27:41With my mom.
27:42With Stella Rose.
27:45Coralie.
27:46All those pageant girls.
27:49Patty.
27:52I tried to fix them.
27:54But when I'm done, they just end up more broken.
27:57My mom died.
27:58And Stella Rose went insane.
28:02Coralie is better off alone.
28:04And I ruined Patty's life.
28:07I...
28:07Every time I try and help, I just end up hurting.
28:13Dude, for the third time, I'm not the bartender.
28:16I was just looking for some ice.
28:18But good luck with the Savior Complex stuff.
28:20Sounds rough.
28:23Savior Complex?
28:24Is that what it was?
28:26How do you get recovery from that?
28:28Could I just stop?
28:29Cold turkey?
28:30Then what?
28:31Maybe I needed a guard shot of my own.
28:33The winner of Miss Georgia American Lady.
28:36Whoop-de-friggin'.
28:37But first, I'd like to make a special announcement.
28:41This year, for the first time ever,
28:43we're crowning a third runner-up
28:45to honor an exceptional young lady.
28:47Miss Northeastern Georgia Dream, Patty Bledell.
28:51Patty?
28:58Patty?
29:00Patty Bledell?
29:03She's indisposed.
29:04I'm Bob Armstrong.
29:10I'm a coach.
29:11Would you like to accept this on her behalf?
29:13Bob, you're the one who encouraged Patty to stay and compete, despite her trauma.
29:41Well, yes, but, um...
29:44Because of your guidance, Patty displayed courage, perseverance, determination,
29:51qualities that we look for in a Miss Georgia American Lady,
29:55which is why we created this special prize just for her.
29:59Since she's not here, ladies and gentlemen, Bob Armstrong.
30:03I didn't deserve this.
30:11I hadn't helped Patty.
30:13I'd hurt her.
30:14So, what did this all mean?
30:17I had asked for a god shot, and I ended up on stage?
30:21Capital Georgia host, Penelope and Penelope.
30:25What was the universe trying to tell me?
30:28Miss Georgia American Lady is Miss Western Georgia Bounty, Heather, Christina, Pamela,
30:34Capital, Dr.
30:35I mean, if this was a sign, I needed a clearer message.
30:42Oh, my God.
30:45Dad?
30:49Dad, what are you doing here?
30:51You invited me.
30:52Besides, I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
30:58Yeah, well, you picked the wrong pageant.
31:00Patty lost.
31:00Yeah.
31:02But look at you.
31:04Okay.
31:04I really, I don't need you to mock me right now for being on stage with the flowers and
31:09a sash like a pansy.
31:10I've never been more proud of you, son.
31:14Standing up there, everybody clapping for you.
31:17You look like a winner.
31:18That's all I've ever wanted for you.
31:20And I'm going to give you a chance to get it for real.
31:24It's time for you to be in the spotlight for once.
31:26I'm pulling my money from Barnard, and I'm backing you for mayor.
31:30Was this my guard shot?
31:32Was it finally time for me to focus on me?
31:36There is just one small problem.
31:39If you're going to win, you're going to have to get out of that motel.
31:42It's outside of Masonville City limits, and you've got to be a resident to run.
31:49What happened?
31:49Did I miss it?
31:50Yeah, it's over.
31:52Patty got third runner-up.
31:53What do you mean?
31:54It means she lost.
31:55But she gets to be on a float in the parade here.
31:58Take those to her.
32:00Shouldn't you do it?
32:02I mean, you got her to this point.
32:03You're the coach.
32:04I got something else I got to do.
32:06I took Shane's advice, and I spent the day with myself.
32:13I'd avoided being alone for so long, I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed my own company.
32:25Maybe being alone wasn't so bad.
32:27I could do what I wanted, whenever I wanted.
32:31I could make a lot of noise.
32:33I could sleep in the middle of the bed.
32:36And if I wanted to dance around the house with no pants on, I could do that too.
32:41What the hell are you doing here?
32:45My name is on the deed.
32:46I own this house, and I am moving back in.
32:50So much for being alone.
32:52Recognize me?
32:59I'm the one who caught you.
33:01Oh, right.
33:02Detective Dildo.
33:03Here's the thing, asshole.
33:05You got caught red-handed trying to attack Patty Bledel, which means you're going to prison for a few years.
33:11And I have something you might want once you're free.
33:17How the hell did you get that?
33:18Not important.
33:20But I'll make you an offer.
33:21I put it in a safety deposit box, and I'll give you the number.
33:24But you have to tell me who wanted Patty out of the running.
33:28Okay, fine.
33:31You go first.
33:32Kentucky Fried California Pizza Kitchen?
33:56Heather, Christina, Pamela, Kendall, Jackson, Johnson.
34:03There was no higher power.
34:10No God shot.
34:12No crown.
34:13It was all bullshit.
34:14Fuck recovery.
34:15Fuck Bob.
34:17And fuck my mom.
34:18Her car was just sitting here in the driveway.
34:21I couldn't believe she was home the whole time, ignoring Bob's calls.
34:25Didn't she care that I was in trouble?
34:26Unless she was in trouble, too.
34:33Oh, shit.
34:48Fuck Southwest.
35:02You fly the light 4,000 times.
35:04And any super shuttle?
35:06Drop me off dead last.
35:07Come on.
35:15I assume these are the sweater melons I'm cutting open.
35:18Fantastic.
35:19Whatever was happening, it wasn't good.
35:21You're going to behave yourself, right?
35:24Otherwise, we'll have to kill you.
35:27Since I couldn't trust a higher power anymore, I had to save her myself.
35:32What side shall we start with, eh?
35:34Is that your horn?
35:44There!
35:45Oh, shit.
35:47What the?
35:48Shoot her!
35:49Shit.
35:50I didn't bring the gun.
35:51I brought the machete.
35:52Grab it!
35:53Ah!
35:55Ah!
36:00Ah!
36:00Ah!
36:02Ah!
36:02Ah!
36:02Ah!
36:02Ah!
36:02Ah!
36:02Ah!
36:02Ah!
36:02Ah!
36:02Ah!
36:02Ah!
36:03Ah!
36:03Ah!
36:03Ah!
36:03Ah!
36:04Ah!
36:08Not bad for a cultural appropriator.
36:12It's not appropriation.
36:13It's inclusion.
36:14Well, I have to be a Brazilian Capoeira master, huh?
36:18What are the odds?
36:19He was right.
36:20What were the odds?
36:21Just bring an asshole.
36:23Eh?
36:24Let's dance, eh?
36:25To the dead.
36:29What were the odds I knew Capoeira?
36:31Ah!
36:32Ah!
36:33And that I was fighting Brazilians.
36:36And that I left the pageant just in time to save my mom.
36:40Ah!
36:40Ah!
36:41Ah!
36:41Ah!
36:42Ah!
36:42Ah!
36:43Ah!
36:43Ah!
36:44Ah!
36:44Ah!
36:45Ah!
36:45Ah!
36:46Ah!
36:46Ah!
36:47Ah!
36:47Ah!
36:48Ah!
36:48Ah!
36:49Ah!
36:49Ah!
36:50Ah!
36:50Ah!
36:51Ah!
36:51Ah!
36:52Ah!
36:52Ah!
36:53Ah!
36:53Ah!
36:54Ah!
36:54Ah!
36:55I
37:07Ah!
37:07Ah!
37:08Ah!
37:10Ah!
37:10Ah!
37:11Maybe there was a higher power out there, guiding me after all.
37:32And it was all leading me here, back to my mom.
37:36Holy shit, I got cocaine in my tits and I was a drug mule and didn't know it and you just killed all those drug dealers and saved my life.
37:49It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
37:55I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you. I quit my job and I was coming to see you.
38:01You were? I thought you just bailed on me again.
38:04I know. It's okay.
38:08Hey, unless I get duct tape and threatened by more drug dealers, I'm never gonna bail on you ever again.
38:14Thank you for saving me.
38:16I swear to God, I must spend the rest of my life trying to prove to you that I deserved it.
38:21Oh, my God.
38:31Oh, Patti, look out.
38:33Get the gun.
38:34No, what? I need your machete, people.
38:36Bob's gun. It's in the drawer.
38:37Why do you have Bob's guns to it, Patti?
38:39Do it, Patti.
38:54How's that for a gunshot?
39:09Okay, do it.
39:10Thanks for monitoring.
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