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00:00And the pears have fallen from the tree. The pears have fallen from the tree. The juicy pear. The lovely pear. Tears be with you.
00:20There you go, love. Pears be with you. May your pear juice be sweet.
00:26Pin the stalk on the pear, sir. Win a pair of pears. Yeah? No?
00:33Herman, is there something going on with pears?
00:38It's all Pears Eve, Brian. Isn't it exciting?
00:41Pears be with you. Then you say, may your pear juice be sweet.
00:47OK, I'm going to come out and say it. Are pears that great?
00:51You've never experienced a Monty Pear Fair. Still the biggest and the best, have you?
00:56Right. Yeah, in your face, Puckle. Losers.
01:01Come on, Brian. You know. Seven days till the solstice.
01:05No, I don't know. You must know about the presentation of the albino pears.
01:09How would I? It's the highlight of the whole fair.
01:12The health of the whole town is linked to the sacred albino pear tree.
01:16You know the rhyme? No.
01:19If the pear tree dies, Monty lies in ruins.
01:24What, you mean it could get worse than this?
01:27Oh, busiest time of the year. I'll be rushed off me feet.
01:30Well, can I get a job? All covered, thanks.
01:32I need the money to get to the city of a thousandth hours.
01:35It's my ticket out of here.
01:37You could always be Mr Apples in the pear parade.
01:39What does he do? Get pelted with pears.
01:42It must be an easier way to make money.
01:44I must also get my cards. They're playing now.
01:47Really?
01:49Hey, don't interrupt the game. They've been playing all night.
01:51Yeah, I'll be all right.
01:52Slash is in there.
01:53Yeah, I'll wait.
01:54Good one.
02:01Yeah, I'll be all right.
02:03Drinking on duty, Howell?
02:10No, Slasher, this is a cheat-detecting potion.
02:15Okla.
02:23Right. Time to bid.
02:2650 cents.
02:28Zelda?
02:29I'm in.
02:31Triple.
02:33No.
02:36Steak.
02:39What's the matter, steak?
02:41You chicken?
02:42Vanguage.
02:48Do warriors beat barbarians?
02:51No.
02:52There's too late, steak. You put your money in.
02:55I didn't quite put it in. I was just...
02:56Steak.
03:03Kevlar.
03:05You in?
03:06Hang on. I better check with the family.
03:12Uncle Derek's been outvoted. We're in.
03:17Reveal.
03:24And that, I believe, is Quint.
03:28Pleasure playing with your steak.
03:30Nothing nicer than taking money off people to a cup of pear brandy.
03:33Pears be with you.
03:34Pears be with you.
03:35Looks like it's only you and me, Kevlar.
03:40Good idea, Aunty Susan. We'd like to double the steak.
03:47Thus splitting the organisation into two halves.
03:50The Seers Guild of Monty and the Monty Seers Guild.
03:53They re-merged later that day.
03:55Correct!
03:56Okay, final question.
03:58What is the Soothsayer's motto?
04:02Never tell, always foretell.
04:04Yes!
04:06I'm going to get into the Seers Guild.
04:08How come?
04:09There's a special exam tomorrow because of the super solstice.
04:12What is that?
04:13It's when the solstice coincides with the full moon.
04:16Hardly ever happens.
04:17All I have to do to get into the Guild is memorise the complete history of soothsaying.
04:21And I have done that.
04:23Well, you've certainly memorised volume one.
04:27Sorry?
04:29Volume one?
04:32Not got the others.
04:35Crunt.
04:40Your bet.
04:42Better just check with my wife, an ex-wife.
04:45Awkward.
04:48Bit frosty.
04:51We're in.
05:02Sorry.
05:06Okay.
05:07I'll meet you.
05:14Live Hill?
05:17Three candles.
05:22Quint.
05:24It's, um, full platoon.
05:31Uber-quint.
05:34Bad luck, Morgan.
05:36It's just the way it goes sometimes.
05:38Exactly, Uncle Derek.
05:41I've got to go.
05:42Got a table for six booked.
05:46I demand a rematch.
05:47Tomorrow night, double the stakes.
05:49Just you.
05:50And me.
05:51What?
05:52All of us?
05:57Sorry.
05:58You run.
05:59I'm completely cleaned out.
06:01It's just that when we play it, warriors always beat barbarians.
06:09Pine please, um.
06:10I thought you said you were all cleaned out.
06:12Yeah, but come on.
06:14It's Pear Fair.
06:15Two.
06:16Happy Pear Fair.
06:17Yeah.
06:18So.
06:19Drink on the house.
06:21No.
06:22Pear Fair.
06:23It's all commercial now.
06:25Right, so I've got two candles.
06:28A barrel.
06:30And a plough.
06:32So that's a rustic quint, right?
06:36Without a pitchfork?
06:37That's not even a half quint.
06:39You'd be wiped out.
06:41I thought this was supposed to be an easy way to make money.
06:44Happy Old Pears Eve, gents.
06:46What can I get you?
06:47Pear juice?
06:48Pear cider?
06:49Don't talk to me about pears.
06:51That's a disgrace.
06:52That's what it is.
06:54I've never been sacked from a job in my life.
06:56Sacked?
06:57Where from?
06:58The pear orchard.
06:59You worked at the pear orchard?
07:01Guarded the albino pear tree.
07:04Oh!
07:05Brian, these guys are famous.
07:07Not anymore.
07:08Sacked.
07:09The day before Pear Fair.
07:11When everyone's on triple time.
07:13Bang goes our Pears Eve bonus.
07:15What did you get sacked for?
07:16Well, no idea.
07:17They're looking for new guards now.
07:20Well, fellas, these are on the house.
07:23Cheers.
07:28You must have some great stories.
07:31Well, one time, it was the middle of the night.
07:36We heard a rustling in the bushes.
07:38We thought it might be an intruder.
07:40But it was just a wind.
07:44Of course.
07:45If it was an intruder,
07:46we'd never have to escort him off the premises.
07:49Which is something we easily could have done.
07:51Easily.
07:53That's amazing.
07:54What about that, E-Brain?
07:56Brian?
07:57Brian?
07:58Well then, my creepy friend.
08:00One quarter of mortise leaf.
08:01One quarter of mortise leaf.
08:02And a clump of struthian lavender.
08:05Five sauce.
08:06Ah.
08:07Call it six.
08:08Five.
08:09Five.
08:10Oh.
08:13Howell.
08:14The complete history of soothsaying.
08:16You didn't tell me there was more than one volume.
08:18You didn't ask.
08:19Well, how many are there?
08:20Two.
08:21Oh, thank Grant for that.
08:22I'll just take volume two.
08:25It's massive.
08:26Yeah.
08:27And the time's tiny.
08:29Yes, it is.
08:30I've got to learn it all by tomorrow.
08:32Indeed.
08:33Oh.
08:37Happy All Pairs Eve, May Pairs.
08:39Out.
08:40Yep.
08:43Everything all right, Slasher?
08:44No, Howell.
08:45It isn't all way.
08:46Oh.
08:47I never lose a card!
08:51You know what I'm going to do?
08:53Retail therapy.
08:54Everything full price.
08:56I'm going to win tomorrow's game.
08:58Oh, good for you!
08:59With your help.
09:01Uh-oh.
09:02You're going to win me the game with an undetectable magical spell.
09:07Oh.
09:09Sounds risky.
09:11Yeah.
09:15Not as risky as saying that.
09:22What did you make of the interview?
09:24Easy.
09:25Easy peasy.
09:28Done much of this sort of thing?
09:30Yeah.
09:3120 years of pair work, plus five general and three guarding.
09:33Yeah.
09:34Yeah.
09:35No.
09:36Same.
09:37Probably more.
09:38Listen up.
09:39After a rigorous interview procedure, I've chosen new pair guards.
09:45Would the following please step forward?
09:48Brian Weaver.
09:50What?
09:51Unbelievable.
09:52And the second successful candidate is...
09:56Steak?
09:57Steakson?
09:58Yes!
10:00This way.
10:01Why?
10:02Oh, figure.
10:07Right, Herman.
10:08I think I've cracked it.
10:09A completely undetectable re-picturing spell.
10:14No wand required.
10:16Now, I bet you one large gentleman's frenzy that my four cards will beat your four cards.
10:27What?
10:28Turn about now.
10:29Completely undetectable re-picturing spell!
10:30Blanks?
10:31That's totally undetectable.
10:32Blanks?
10:33That's totally undetectable.
10:34Blanks?
10:36Blanks?
10:37That's totally undetectable.
10:40Blanks.
10:45Grunt.
10:47Wow.
10:49There it is.
10:51The famous Monty Albino pear tree.
10:54Beautiful, isn't it?
10:56And all we have to do is watch this tree for one night.
11:01That's it.
11:02Remember, if the pear tree dies...
11:05Monty lies in ruins.
11:08Yeah, we know.
11:09On no account do you leave the orchard until your shift finishes at 8 o'clock tomorrow morning.
11:15Rations on the table if you need them.
11:18Pay 20 sovs plus bonus.
11:21Yes.
11:22Half up front.
11:24Get the rest when you clock off.
11:26Understood?
11:27Yeah, great.
11:28Thanks.
11:29Your watch begins.
11:31Attention!
11:37Monty is relying on you.
11:46You gone?
11:47I think so.
11:49Should I go and check out the rations?
11:51Yeah, we'll go and...
11:53We've got brandy.
11:55Bottles of it.
11:56Blimey.
11:57Haven't we got snacks?
11:59Nice.
12:01Is this alright?
12:02I was just...
12:03Digging in?
12:04Yeah.
12:05Course it is.
12:06You heard him.
12:07There are rations.
12:09Cheers.
12:10That is strong.
12:11Salty.
12:12You do realise, Brian, that right now we are the most important people in the whole of Monty.
12:31And we've got another ten sovs coming our way.
12:36Plus bonus.
12:38Top up?
12:39Yeah.
12:43Oh, look.
12:45Cushions.
12:46And blankets.
12:47Cushions and blankets.
12:49Best job ever.
12:50Happy days.
13:01What are you doing?
13:10I'm just watering the tree.
13:14My snacks are so salty.
13:19How much brandy is there left?
13:22It's all gone.
13:24I think I might do some watering myself.
13:28I think I'll do a bit more marching.
13:32Ah, ah, ah.
13:33Ah.
13:35Ah.
13:36Ah.
13:37Ah.
13:39Card.
13:41Change.
13:43Grunt.
13:47Howell, I am in real trouble.
13:49Yeah, me too.
13:50I'm only on page four and I'm still on the list of contents.
13:53Sorry, Barbara.
13:54Little bit busy, little bit try not to get killed busy if you must know.
13:57Oh, bang goes the Sears Guild.
13:59I can't remember it all.
14:01It's a nightmare.
14:02Slasher Morgan is going to pulverize me unless I...
14:09What did you say?
14:10It's a nightmare.
14:11Before that?
14:12Bang goes the Sears Guild.
14:13After that?
14:14I can't remember it all.
14:15That's it!
14:16Why am I trying to fix the cards when I can fix the person?
14:24Slasher just needs a memory charm so she can count the cards.
14:28Barbara, I am a genius.
14:31Now, what would Sherwood say about it all?
14:35Let's have a look-see.
14:37Emulsify, it's just a question of calibration.
14:43Howell?
14:44Howell, what about my exam?
14:46I'm going to need a guinea pig to try it out on.
14:54Barbara.
14:55Hmm?
14:56I have a proposal which may well be to our mutual benefit.
15:01I must say, I feel a bit tired.
15:06I've got an idea.
15:08Why don't we guard the tree?
15:11We're just sitting down.
15:13Just...
15:14We'll guard it, like, sitting down.
15:16Just sitting.
15:17Oh.
15:18I checked the first shift.
15:20You...
15:22Oh.
15:25Shh.
15:27Don't worry.
15:29I just stand here.
15:33And I checked the tree.
15:38Ready?
15:45Ready.
15:46I have removed one item from the tray.
15:52Can you remember what it is?
15:55The cloth?
15:57Er, no.
15:58On the tray.
15:59Oh.
16:02The thimble?
16:03No.
16:04The thimble's still there.
16:05Oh.
16:07Oh.
16:09A bottle.
16:10There wasn't a bottle.
16:11Hmm.
16:12Oh.
16:14Oh, I don't know.
16:15I give up.
16:16It was this.
16:17Oh.
16:20Oh, yes.
16:22I think I'm going to have to crank up the dosage.
16:26Woof.
16:27Yeah.
16:35Ow.
16:37Throat's dry.
16:45That's weird.
16:48Steg?
16:50Steg, wake up.
16:51Huh?
16:52What's the matter?
16:53Huh?
16:54You know the albino pears?
16:56Yeah.
16:57Yeah.
16:58Are they supposed to turn black and drop off?
17:00No.
17:01Not like this, then?
17:02TRUNT!
17:06They've all come off.
17:09Ah!
17:10What happened?
17:11All I can remember is...
17:13You pissed on the tree.
17:14Well, so did you.
17:15Only because you gave me all that brandy to drink.
17:17But you ate all the salty snacks.
17:19We have poisoned the albino pear tree.
17:23When the pear tree dies, Monty lies.
17:27In ruins.
17:29Okay.
17:30Look, we've got 90 minutes into our shift ends.
17:32What shall we do?
17:33Be sick.
17:39Okay.
17:4089 minutes.
17:41Right.
17:42How about this?
17:43We go and find some ordinary pears.
17:44Dunk them in Herman's white paint.
17:46Stick them back on the tree.
17:47No one will ever know the difference.
17:51Brilliant.
17:52The pears are in the warehouse.
17:53Let's go.
17:58Actually, I'm just going to be a little bit more sick first.
18:01The following year, Lord Montragru decreed that all soothsayings should be outlawed,
18:06a directive that led to the great winter fortune-telling shortage,
18:10as foretold by the great seer, Wallace the Wise.
18:14Word perfect.
18:17Now that is a cracking bit of potion making.
18:21Barbara, congratulations.
18:23You're as good as in the seer's guild.
18:25Woo-hoo-hoo.
18:26Oh.
18:27Oh.
18:28Oh.
18:50Okay.
18:51Let's give this a go.
18:52Here.
19:03What do you think?
19:04It's not bad.
19:05I think we'll get away with this.
19:06Give me a bit more light.
19:07Oh!
19:08Oh!
19:09Ah!
19:10Ah!
19:12Ah!
19:13Ah!
19:14Ah!
19:15Ah!
19:16Ah!
19:17Ah!
19:18Ah!
19:23Ah!
19:25Happy Pearday!
19:27Pairs be with you!
19:28It's all right.
19:29Yeah!
19:30We're good.
19:31We're cool.
19:32Yeah. We just need to head out the back and check on something.
19:41Finished.
19:42Time to start celebrating, Barbara.
19:44Yes, I am as happy as Martha the Canny, leader of the Second Soothsaying Council,
19:48was when her universal system for tea leaf symbology was formally adopted.
19:53Eh? Yeah. Good luck.
19:55Happy Pear Day!
20:02Hardly. Not when the albino pear tree's been poisoned.
20:06What? It never happened on our watch.
20:08Won't we ever lost a single pear?
20:10And if it had, we'd have simply logged it in the lost pear book.
20:13But there was no need, cos it never happened.
20:16But if the pear tree dies, Monty lies in ruins!
20:23It's already started. Pear Warehouse has gone up in flames.
20:27Every single pear in Monty has been destroyed.
20:32NOOOOO!
20:37Yes.
20:38Wiped out half the population of Struth and 78% of its soothsayers.
20:52Err, more paper, please!
20:54Ladies and gentlemen, quills down, please.
20:56I'm afraid the Pear Fair has been cancelled.
20:59The Treaty of the Seven Armies came into...
21:03This exam is now null and void.
21:05...normally known as the Plague of Chaos.
21:08Sorry, could you stop writing, please?
21:10The Runic alphabet...
21:12Stop it! Stop it!
21:14I... I can't!
21:16Help me!
21:18Pears be with you.
21:33Two men have been seen in this vicinity...
21:36...suspected of poisoning the albino pear tree.
21:40Death's too good for them.
21:42Correct, Chestnut.
21:44Search the premises.
21:48Best day of the year ruined...
21:50...is the little kiddies I feel sorry for.
21:53I agree.
21:54Shut it!
21:56Sorry, it's just...
21:58...a bit of very difficult time.
22:02Pear, Sherry.
22:03That's very kind.
22:05Make it a large one.
22:07Shut it!
22:09Here we are.
22:11Two guilty men.
22:12Found them hiding in this cellar.
22:14Ryan!
22:15Stig?
22:16There must be some kind of mistake.
22:17They're wearing a pear-guard uniform.
22:19You should be ashamed of yourselves.
22:21That would never happen on our watch. Ever.
22:23Follow me.
22:25Herman.
22:26No, Herman.
22:27There was an accident.
22:28I'm innocent.
22:29It was a mistake.
22:30I'm innocent.
22:31I'm innocent.
22:32I'm innocent.
22:33Yes.
22:34Those were the two men I hired.
22:36They must have poisoned the tree and then run away.
22:39Fool, sir.
22:40We didn't just run away.
22:41We just...
22:44Basically, he's in charge.
22:45Stig!
22:46Shut it!
22:47Right.
22:48Take them to the cells and prepare the punching machine.
22:51Maximum spike.
22:53Of course.
22:54One moment.
22:56Are you completely sure it was these men who committed the crime?
22:59Of course it was.
23:00Only, I'm beginning to remember a few things that are bothering me.
23:04Take them away.
23:06Do I know you?
23:07No, of course not.
23:08That's what I thought.
23:09Only, I remembered we have met before in Howell's shop just 24 hours ago.
23:15I didn't see your face, but I remembered your boots.
23:18Red lizard skin.
23:20Very distinctive.
23:21What were you buying?
23:23Oh, I can't remember.
23:24I can.
23:25Mortis leaf and a clump of Struthian lavender.
23:30Two completely innocuous ingredients, but as I know from the complete history of soothsaying,
23:36page 658, paragraph 3, when combined, they create a lethal tree poison.
23:42Not only that, but on the following page, there is reference to a side effect.
23:47A very specific side effect.
23:50A livid rash.
23:52Check his palms.
23:53A rash.
23:54And we have to ask ourselves why the warden would fire two excellent, experienced guards
24:05and replace them with two idiots.
24:07Thanks.
24:08Not only that, but two people the warden knew wouldn't be able to resist the offer of
24:13free drink, hence the smell of brandy on their breath at 7.57 this morning.
24:18Cool.
24:19We just need to head to the back there and check on something.
24:23I don't understand why someone from Monty would poison a tree.
24:26They wouldn't.
24:28But what if they were from...
24:30Pockle?
24:31Yes.
24:32The perfect way to ruin the Monty pair fare, especially if you are one of Pockle's elite
24:41pair guard, identified by the pair and coiled snake tattoo on the left forearm.
24:47Well, well, well.
24:49This man is a fraud.
24:52He's even wearing a fake beard.
24:56How?
24:57Okay.
24:58That's not, but everything else is true.
25:00Yeah.
25:01I did try and kill the tree.
25:03I hate the Monty pair fare.
25:06I wanted Pockle to be the best, especially on the super solstice.
25:10Pockle will always be second best.
25:12He probably burnt down the warehouse as well.
25:15Yeah.
25:16No, I never.
25:17Of course you did, you Pockle scum.
25:19Yeah, never take me alive.
25:21Take him away.
25:22Alive.
25:28Thank God for that.
25:29I thought we killed the tree when we pissed on it.
25:31What?
25:32Nothing.
25:34Barbara.
25:35Oh, you are brilliant.
25:39So Barbara could remember all that because of your potion?
25:42Absolutely.
25:44Barbara?
25:45What happened to the fifth head of the Seers Guild?
25:49Rolled for 97 years and eventually died of boredom.
25:53Correct.
25:55You'll be able to remember the position of every card in the pack.
25:59It's definitely undetectable.
26:00100%.
26:01100%.
26:02Oh, very good, Al.
26:10Maybe I'll keep you alive after all.
26:26Well, we're here.
26:28You ready for the game, Slasher?
26:30Never ready a Kevlar.
26:31Bring me a bottle of pear brandy, Herrmann.
26:37Bring me a bottle of pear brandy, Herrmann.
26:56Your bet.
26:58Well, you might as well all have some pear brandy.
27:11No one else is going to drink it now.
27:13This is the worst pear fair ever.
27:15Speak for yourself, Herman.
27:17I reckon I've got enough money now to get me to the city of a thousand's hours.
27:21Oh.
27:22You all right, Barbara?
27:24Yes.
27:25I'm just sad about not getting into the Seers Guild.
27:28Oh, don't worry, Barbara.
27:30The good news is we've got a perfect memory potion ready for the next Super Solstice.
27:35In about 103 years' time.
27:37What's so great about the Super Solstice, anyway?
27:40Lots of weird stuff happens.
27:42Meteor showers, midsummer blizzards.
27:45The thing is, the boundaries between worlds, Brian, become very thin.
27:48Very, very thin.
27:51Well, hang on a minute.
27:53Can't I use that in some way to get me home?
27:56Possibly.
27:57You'd still need some pretty heavy-duty magic, though.
28:00Well, that's decided, then.
28:01I'm heading to the city of a thousand's hours before the solstice
28:04and finding someone there who can send me home.
28:06But the solstice is less than a week away.
28:08Um...
28:09But...
28:10I don't think that...
28:12I think...
28:13You all right, Barbara?
28:15Oh!
28:16Oh!
28:17Oh!
28:18Oh!
28:19Oh!
28:20Oh!
28:21Oh!
28:22Oh!
28:23Oh!
28:24That's interesting, Barbara.
28:25Tongue's gone.
28:26Very thick.
28:27Very thick.
28:28Very thick.
28:30The memory potion must be reacting to the pear brandy.
28:34Ha!
28:35Memory potion.
28:36Pear brandy.
28:38Oh, no.
28:39TESHER!
28:40The new and exclusive series of Zapped continues next Thursday at 9.40.
28:51But if you can't wait that long for more interdimensional adventures, watch the next episode now with Dave's on-demand service, UK TV Play.
28:59While next up, the crew of Red Dwarf do some more accidental time-traveling, as is their way.
29:04We're in trouble, nothing's going on now.
29:05We're gonna be where people start from all.
29:07Oh!
29:08Uh-uh uh...
29:09Uh-uh...
29:10We're in trouble...
29:12And join our PS4 good theme for this episode of series!
29:13First in this episode of Podcasts with Kathy everyone!
29:15tego YouTube Ian, Babylon 1996,
29:30we Solomon in the Podcast of today!
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