00:00hey guys okay so today i am going for a wedding i'm pretty much ready we have to leave in about
00:0815 minutes a little bit about yesterday pretty much stuff that you already know oh by the way
00:14today is day six a little bit about yesterday that you guys pretty much already know just a
00:22roundabout like i ate thousands and thousands and thousands of calories two days in a row
00:28i didn't drink water super swollen i just feel kind of like yesterday was really bad like i was
00:32just like i felt in pain like my feet hurt worse than usual the mixture of just like the constant
00:38walking and the mixture of being swollen like i felt lethargic i felt just like sluggish like i
00:43couldn't do anything it kind of got to me mentally so i didn't complete my steps i was just yesterday
00:49was really bad so today is a new day i do have a new fitbit which i'm super excited i have the charge
00:54too so i'm super excited for that so far today including last night after midnight so far i've
00:59gathered 1336 steps i want to get over 8 000 steps today but i do have a wedding to go to i do have
01:06a dinner to go to because of the wedding that's going to take a lot of my time up it's still really
01:10early right now so we'll see i have a lot of driving well i don't drive a lot of sitting in a car
01:16so we're going to see how that goes i'll keep you guys updated i don't know what i'm getting at the
01:20restaurant i've never been to this restaurant before i've never really heard of it before so i will
01:24just like show you guys what i get there um so my weigh-in today
01:33i'm retaining a lot of water obviously i gain true weight as well just from how many calories i've
01:42been eating it's day six i should be down easily eight pounds five pounds i should be down weight
01:48instead i've gained weight since i started this challenge so i have a new starting weight it seems
01:53like i just keep gaining um so my weight today i've never weighed this much ever i'm i don't even
02:03want to say it out loud it's it's weird um it seems too real when i say it out loud my weight today was
02:08500.6
02:10so that means i'm up what like almost three pounds from yesterday
02:20i only got about four hours of sleep ate horribly didn't drink any water so
02:28i'm watching him hi becky hi
02:40look at this baby is that comfy
02:55is that a comfy
02:58i just wanted to show you guys this picture after the wedding we all went out to eat so there is becky
03:07and i i think that's such a cute picture of us so i told you guys i'll tell you what i got to eat
03:11i didn't choose healthy not surprised i'll talk more about that later i got some cheesy mashed
03:15potatoes they were all right and here i decided to get something different it is flounder stuffed
03:21with crab stuffing topped with like a lobster cream i don't know i just wanted to try something
03:27different thinking about it now obviously i should have just stayed on track i know a lot of people
03:32are upset with me and let down with me and i'm sorry i really am hey guys so usually when i sit
03:39here and film it's kind of blurry so i do apologize if i'm going in and out of focus just focus on my
03:45words it's super late at night and this is like the only position where the light is decent i do have
03:52some things i want to talk about with you guys so you guys saw what i ate at the restaurant i also
03:56had a caesar salad which i forgot to take a picture of so i wanted to tell you guys about that
04:00there was like this appetizer that we got it was croissants so i had three of those as well so i
04:06wrote down some of the things i want to talk about because i forget all the time what i want to say it's
04:10just like really bad habit this is still filming yes i want to edit this as least as possible because
04:15i have to get this scheduled for tomorrow i wrote down i have moments where i care moments where i don't
04:20almost as if i want food more than i want to lose weight then i have immediate regret what i meant by
04:26that is i'm not even kidding i reached over 500 pounds today and i didn't care i have a new starting
04:31weight it seems like i just keep gaining um
04:34so my weight today i've never weighed this much ever i'm i don't even want to say it out loud it's
04:42it's weird um it seems too real when i say it out loud my weight today was 500.6
04:48there's something wrong with that there's something very scary about that why don't i care
04:57there are people who reach 180 pounds and care why don't i care that i'm half of a thousand pounds
05:05um why don't i care i feel like a lot of the time i stop focusing so much on the bad things that can
05:14happen to me while being morbidly obese and i focus on fairy tale land i don't focus on the fact
05:19that i can just drop dead any minute i can have a heart attack get diabetes i can die in my sleep
05:24i could have sleep apnea i forget these things because i don't think about them and i feel like
05:28i need to think about those things more i know that sounds crazy because i want just positivity in
05:33my life but like why don't i care i need to care and i feel like that's the issue i need to love
05:39myself more because i know if somebody i love say my girlfriend my mom someone my dad my brother
05:45if one of them weighed 500 pounds i would care and i'd be like you can't keep doing this to yourself
05:50so i need to find that love for myself something else i wrote down was i go back and forth between
05:55how many calories i should eat when i eat too little i do not eat too much i choose the wrong foods that's
06:00something else that frustrates me i go very back and forth one minute i'm like you know what
06:04a whole rarity's playing with a toy one minute i'm like you know what i'm just gonna do you know
06:101500 calories so i can drop the weight quickly so i can choose healthier foods because healthier foods
06:15are lower in calories you know salads and orange you know things like that are lower in calories so
06:21you eat more to feel full and that's me choosing more healthier options so but then if i'm like okay
06:28you know what maybe i should just do 2600 calories like my fitness pal wants me to do but i find when i do
06:33have so many calories i try my hardest to make healthy you know breakfast lunches and dinners
06:39but then i i still have like 1200 calories at the end of the night and i'm like
06:45if my goal is to eat 2600 calories then what do i do with these 1200 calories that's when i choose
06:53candy and a ben and jerry's ice cream that's when i choose the bad foods to fill all those extra
06:59calories so i'm just having a hard time like finding what works for me something i've noticed
07:05is this challenge is no longer about how many steps a day i take this challenge well if you
07:10guys are curious um it's 11 52 p.m and i'm taking 3870 so nowhere near 8 000 but this challenge is no
07:18longer a number on my fitbit it's no longer i want to say it's no longer a number on the scale but i feel
07:23like you know obviously it is this is a journey for me to lose weight and to get healthy all that ties
07:29into a number on the scale but i feel like this is a journey to find what is right for me and i feel
07:34like i like when i first started youtube i was so raw with my weight loss journey and i feel like
07:39i'm coming back as that person again for a while there i stopped i was very just like black and
07:44white i didn't go within myself and share how i truly felt and now i am this is a journey of kind
07:51of like self-discovery and sharing with you guys the true struggles of what i am going through
07:55and what i go through behind closed doors what else i wrote was talk about what i ate tonight
08:00how i had no second thoughts is that just a food and food makes me angry food makes me very angry
08:06so on top of going to the restaurant today for like a lunch for dinner i had mexican food i ordered
08:11three extra sides of mexican rice and i ate every single bit of it i felt no
08:17like i wasn't ashamed i didn't care there were no second thoughts my food is really bad lately it
08:25seems like it's hard to like gain control and i'm trying to find that control it's been very
08:30frustrating as much as you know food numbs me food also makes me very very angry i just feel like food
08:37is there to comfort me but it also hurts me i will see you guys tomorrow for day seven i'm not giving up
08:43thank you guys for watching and i'll see you in my next video bye
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