- 2 months ago
The day starts off in the living room where Beck, Eric and Amberlynn are catching up on Drag Race. The roomies go out to eat at Yomatos where Eric and Amberlynn put on a show for Rickie and Beck. Once home, Amberlynn sits in the bathroom, for the lighting, to let us know why she’s decided to continue vlogging and talking despite calling it quits yesterday. The B monster had her feeling happy about the decision until she woke up the next day and remembered how addicted she is to being on camera. She also credits her return on the support she was receiving from viewers messaging her to encourage her to continue sharing her thoughts. When she was calculating her like to dislike ratio yesterday, she forgot to factor in the silent watched, like herself. She redefines the challenge once again, this time it’s been her work up to contacting a therapist and nutritionist, which she believes are her next steps in her journey for health. She says knowing she will have to address her issues from the past to fix her eating habits, makes it difficult to follow through with booking appointments. She thinks she knows everything the nutritionist is going to tell her, so doesn’t see the value in talking to someone new. She says you’re watching a journey to a better Amberlynn.
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🛠️
LifestyleTranscript
00:01Should I have been homeschooled or something? I don't know.
00:06You look good.
00:07I know.
00:08Yeah, you do.
00:11Hi.
00:12Hi.
00:13Look at wasabi, you guys.
00:22My friends at home tell me that there's nothing I can do like stupid.
00:26So as soon as I see our jar of pickles is coming here, I realize.
00:32Hey guys.
00:34So we're just catching up on a drag race.
00:36I forgot to start my video earlier.
00:39So I figured I would start it today.
00:41I'm three episodes behind.
00:42So.
00:43Yeah.
00:44Hi Eric.
00:47Why does everyone always think?
00:51No.
00:52No.
00:53Stop.
00:54You are the winner of this week's challenge.
00:56Stop it.
00:57You can show me though.
00:58Rune exchange.
00:59Shantae, you stay.
01:01Mayhem.
01:02Say she.
01:03Away.
01:04This is the first time I've ever laid on this couch and now I don't even want to get up.
01:14She's the other quiet girl.
01:15She's the other quiet girl.
01:17She's the other quiet girl.
01:20Now I'm alone.
01:22She's been by example.
01:23You better touch my butt.
01:24Chur, chur.
01:25Chur.
01:26You know baby girl, you're my super first.
01:27Yeah.
01:28For me to be in the bottom two a second week in a row.
01:29I love you.
01:30I love you.
01:31It's so disheartening.
01:32I want to have them so disheartening.
01:33I love you I love you.
01:34I love you.
01:35Oh, love you.
01:36Aw, I love you.
01:37I love you.
01:38I love you.
01:39Just sad.
01:40You killed this night girl.
01:41I love you.
01:42I love you.
01:43I love you.
01:44I love you.
01:45You will buy a new one.
01:47I love you there.
01:48Oh!
01:49When a queen you like went home.
01:54No!
01:55When the queen you like stayed.
02:00That sucks.
02:05So I'm sure a lot of you are probably not expecting to see me.
02:10This soon.
02:11So a little update.
02:13It is just the next day.
02:14I just got home.
02:15Me, Becky, Eric, and Ricky.
02:17We all went on like a double date.
02:18We went to a place called Yamato's.
02:21They do like hibachi, sushi, and things like that there.
02:24We went there for like a double date.
02:25And then Becky and I actually went to see a movie afterwards.
02:35Wait, let me get it on my ears right.
02:37How do I look?
02:40You look like the next, uh, RuPaul.
02:44Are they the best?
02:47I don't know.
02:48Are they the best women in this year?
02:50No, I was going to say it's going to be funny about the food or something.
02:52They made the best lobster win.
02:54They made the best lobster survive.
02:58How about that?
02:59How about that?
03:00How about that?
03:01I feel like I'm trying to protect my head from like, yeah.
03:05I feel like I'm trying to protect my head from like...
03:08Okay, guys, how are we doing the two tints?
03:09The end...
03:10Uh, the end.
03:11Yeah, right.
03:12Partially me.
03:24Hey guys, how are we doing the two tints?
03:26Uh, the end.
03:27Them two.
03:28Okay, alright.
03:29I'll be back.
03:31I don't know.
03:32Wait, wait.
03:33She's trying to, she's trying, she's trying to break a chopstick with her like I just did.
03:38Come on, show them where you did it.
03:40Oh, wait.
03:41Here, just use this one.
03:42Give me a chopstick.
03:45There we go.
03:48How did you do that?
03:49Hard-headed.
03:50How did you do that?
03:51I'm hard-headed.
03:54I just feel like that you hold it and then you go.
03:56That explains everything.
03:58Says for the Lars.
04:00Says for the Lars.
04:03Sure, boulder head.
04:04Your brains are squishy.
04:06That means you don't have one.
04:08Yeah.
04:09Yeah.
04:10What is that?
04:11Rawr.
04:12Rawr.
04:13Rawr.
04:14I'm gonna play this ball.
04:16Yeah.
04:18She's dead!
04:19You did it?
04:21I did it!
04:22She was like...
04:23Yeah.
04:29Two's a charm.
04:31Oh, fuck.
04:32I did it with one.
04:33I did it this first time.
04:34She's lying.
04:35She's lying.
04:36She's lying.
04:37I'm lying.
04:38Becky and Amberlynn could not break it with their forehead.
04:43No.
04:44Like it hurts.
04:45I have a sensitive head.
04:46I'm allergic to wood up here.
04:47All around this thing.
04:48Yeah.
04:49Press that.
04:50Ew!
04:51She's allergic to wood in her mouth.
04:52She just ruined it.
04:53She just ruined it.
04:54Yeah.
04:55We saw A Quiet Place.
04:56So if you guys haven't seen it, it is a horror movie.
04:59Eric and Ricky actually saw it maybe like a week ago.
05:01Eric said he really liked it.
05:02He gave it an 8 out of 10.
05:03Ricky gave it a 5 out of 10.
05:04So me and Becky decided to see it.
05:05And it was alright.
05:06Becky gave it a 7 out of 10.
05:07And I'm probably going to give it about a 7 and a half out of 10.
05:08You guys should see it.
05:09It's just about the world is pretty much ran by these monsters.
05:21The only way they can kill you is if they hear you.
05:25So it was quite interesting.
05:28So also if you're wondering, I am in the bathroom and no, I'm not on the toilet.
05:32You guys are sitting on the bathroom sink.
05:34I have a little contraption going with my tripod and you guys are sitting on a tin.
05:39It's like this whole thing.
05:40The bathroom is where like it's a bathroom.
05:42I mean, the toilet's way over there.
05:43So no, I'm not sitting on the toilet.
05:44I don't want anyone to think that because that'd be weird.
05:47Hey guys.
05:48So we are getting ready for the good old work.
05:53Today is day one of work.
05:54I'm so nervous.
05:55My stomach hurts.
05:56I am sitting on the toilet, but I'm not going to the bathroom.
05:59See?
06:00Pants on.
06:01Yeah, we're getting ready.
06:03And it is super late at night.
06:06This is the best lighting in here right now in this whole house.
06:10So I just figured this is perfect.
06:12You guys might be seeing me here a lot.
06:14Who knows?
06:15Yesterday I filmed a video because I felt defeated, disliked.
06:18I felt done.
06:19I felt upset.
06:20I felt just so many mixtures of emotions.
06:23But all those mixtures made me want to just quit.
06:26Just done with the challenge.
06:28Done with the videos.
06:29Just done.
06:30It seemed like a good idea.
06:31Last night I was happy about it.
06:33Today I was happy about it.
06:34When I first woke up, I was just, I was telling Eric, I'm like, I feel like a weight has been
06:38lifted off of my shoulders.
06:39Then as the day went on, I realized I was talking a lot about YouTube.
06:43Becky even brought it to my attention.
06:45She was like, you know, you're talking a lot about it.
06:47Like, do you feel like you should be filming?
06:49Do you feel like you should still keep going?
06:52As we were waiting for the movie to start, I looked at Becky and I was like, I think I
06:56need to film.
06:57I think I need to film tonight.
06:58Kind of catch them up.
06:59And she was like, see, I told you.
07:01You guys, I'm addicted to YouTube.
07:03I'm addicted to filming.
07:04I'm addicted to talking how I feel about how I feel.
07:06I'm addicted to vlogging.
07:07I'm just addicted to the whole thing.
07:10But majority in the back of my mind, what kept replaying over and over and over in my head
07:16was just continuous messages that I've gotten in private.
07:19My Instagram.
07:20I don't think I've ever had so many messages on there.
07:23Like, wow.
07:24Obviously my fitness style because I told you guys that I always reply to the messages on
07:29there.
07:30So many people just like, they're like, just don't let the haters win.
07:34I'm amazed.
07:35I am truthfully amazed how many people actually watch me and enjoy my videos.
07:41I have gotten just an overwhelming amount of messages today.
07:45People saying the sweetest, most kindest things, how I help them.
07:49And every day they look forward to my videos because I'm showing them that this journey to
07:55weight loss and wellness and growth is not going to be perfect.
07:58I just want to thank every single person who sent me a message personally.
08:03And I also want to thank the silent viewers who probably just didn't have the guts to send
08:09a message because I know how it is.
08:10Um, I've actually experienced a YouTuber that I truly enjoy.
08:14They completely just like dropped off the face of the planet.
08:16I didn't have the nerve to message them.
08:18And I want to personally apologize to anyone that I made feel like they didn't matter because
08:26I did get a few messages that said, why don't your supporters matter?
08:29Why don't the people who genuinely enjoy your videos?
08:33Why don't they don't matter?
08:34Why don't they matter?
08:35Sorry.
08:36It's not that you guys don't matter.
08:37It's just, I was so overwhelmed with just like defeat.
08:41My only like option in my head was just to give up, just to completely give up YouTube.
08:46I really wanted to disappear for like a month.
08:48I just wanted to completely disappear.
08:50It's just wrong.
08:51It was wrong.
08:52And I apologize because I wouldn't want anyone that inspires me or motivates me or just that
08:57I enjoy watching for whatever reason.
08:59I wouldn't want them to just drop off the face of the planet because they get a little bit uncomfortable.
09:03I'm going to go back to just not looking at the thumbs up, not looking at the thumbs down,
09:07because it's not important.
09:08It's not important.
09:09I had quite a few people make me realize that my videos get over 35,000 views almost per video.
09:16My views are skyrocketing and I'm just like, whoa.
09:20And they pointed out that combined total thumbs up and thumbs down usually never recedes.
09:26Is that a word?
09:28Usually never goes over about 2,500.
09:31That means there is another group of like 35,000 people just silently watching who don't thumbs up or thumbs down.
09:39So it's like, who am I to say how many of those people actually enjoy my videos?
09:43Because a silent viewer is very common.
09:45That's me.
09:46I don't comment on videos.
09:47Usually I don't ever thumbs up or thumbs down.
09:49It's just very, very rare that I'll thumbs up.
09:52Even if I just absolutely adore a video, it's just something I don't do.
09:55So it's like if every single one of these people, every single one of you guys who watched me,
10:00if you really disliked me this much, I think it would show even more in my thumbs down.
10:05I'm going to completely just go back to ignoring that.
10:08Like I'm done with the comments.
10:10Like I don't read the comments.
10:11You guys, I totally would read the comments.
10:13If I felt like people understood me a little bit more, I would totally read the comments.
10:18A lot of people think that I'm faking some type of like,
10:20I'm, I'm, I'm, it's just, it makes me flabbergasted.
10:25Like I don't want to get into it.
10:27It's just, it upsets me that anyone would think that I would fake something like this when I've been nothing but open and honest.
10:33You know how easy it would be for me to come on here and just be like,
10:37yeah, I had a great day today.
10:39I did it guys.
10:40I did it.
10:41Oh my God.
10:42No.
10:43You know how easy it would be for me to come on here and be like,
10:45yeah, it was a bad night, but that's it.
10:49Or completely lie to you guys and be like, oh yeah, it was good. It was fine. Yeah.
10:54No, but I just want to say that this currently is no longer like a weight loss challenge,
11:03but I'm going to keep numbering the days because day one was kind of like my setting stone to slowly but surely working my way up to calling a therapist,
11:13a counselor, a nutritionist, somebody just for some sort of help.
11:18I do have a dear friend of mine who is currently watching this, who is helping me with that.
11:22She's sending me links to eating disorder therapists who specialize obviously in people with eating disorders.
11:28I'm going to be calling someone and I'm going to be getting help.
11:31I don't mean to ever make excuses that are invalid.
11:35Everything that I say is truly how I feel.
11:38If I blame it on my disorder, it's because that is truly how I feel.
11:43When I f*** up, I f*** up. I wake up, I do great throughout the day, like amazing.
11:49Once night hits, it's as if I'm a completely different person.
11:52That's not normal.
11:53To feel like you're out of your body, kind of watching someone else control it,
11:58where you literally feel like you cannot control yourself.
12:02God, last night, you guys, I b***ed so bad.
12:05I was stuffing my face and I felt literally sick to my stomach.
12:11I felt like I had ate rocks.
12:14It almost felt like that, like just heavy rocks.
12:17I was so full.
12:18And you know what I did?
12:19I kept eating.
12:20I kept eating and I couldn't stop.
12:22There's something wrong with that.
12:24I need to talk to somebody.
12:25I don't ever mean to make excuses.
12:27That's not ever why I'm here.
12:29I'm just trying to share with you guys why I am the way I am or why I feel like I am the way I am.
12:34Call it an excuse, but it's valid.
12:37Like it is so valid.
12:38I would never just be like, I gained five pounds.
12:41I have no idea why.
12:43No, I gained five pounds because I couldn't close my mouth.
12:46I literally couldn't stop eating.
12:48Whether it's my fault or it's not, like I literally couldn't stop.
12:52More than anything, you guys, I want to lose weight.
12:54I have random epiphanies all the time.
12:56It's just like, I want to lose weight and I want to be a better person.
12:59And I want to inspire people and let people know you're not alone.
13:03If I can do it, you can do it a thousand percent.
13:05Like I'm just a freaking mess.
13:07Like excuse or not, I'm in a, I'm a mess up here.
13:10And I just really want to talk to someone and I'm going to take that step.
13:13And I'm going to do that.
13:14But it's just like, you can't help someone who isn't ready to be helped.
13:18So you guys, you know, constantly like contacting me on Twitter and like Instagram, all these places, like call the therapist, call the therapist.
13:25You hate yourself.
13:26No, I'm scared because me talking to someone means I have to go deep within my past and talk about my past.
13:34And that's not something I really want to do.
13:37I'm so scared.
13:38You guys have no idea how scared I am to talk about my past because it brings up so much.
13:46It brings up so much, you guys.
13:48And I'm afraid that talking to someone and bringing up things from my past is actually going to make me worse.
13:54Call it what you will.
13:56But when you talk about things that hurt you and that are buried so deep within, you cry.
14:01You feel like crap.
14:02With me and my depression, I want to get better.
14:04I don't want to get worse.
14:05And I know a lot of people are telling me therapy will help you, but therapy doesn't help everyone.
14:10But I'm going to give it a shot.
14:11I want to see a nutritionist, even though I feel like everything they're going to tell me is stuff I already know.
14:16I was talking to Eric and Ricky and Becky today while we were out tea.
14:19And I was like, I know all this knowledge.
14:21I just don't put it into action.
14:23That's just, it's pathetic.
14:25And I need to figure out how to put it into action.
14:27I need to work on my brain.
14:28I need to work on my psych.
14:29I need to work on my depression, which, you know, I started to do you guys.
14:32I went to a doctor on antidepressants, you know, everything happens in levels.
14:37I can't do everything at once.
14:38And I feel like people just expect me to be some like power wonder woman or something and just completely change overnight and do everything overnight.
14:45And it's just not how it works.
14:46I didn't see a doctor for over 11 years.
14:48And then I finally saw one, you know, I haven't seen a therapist.
14:51Holy hot damn.
14:52I haven't seen a therapist in probably like 15.
14:55Everything is scary to me right now.
14:56Everything is freaking me out right now.
14:58I am scared to take off the dirt of things that I've tried to bury my whole life.
15:04So just please be patient with me.
15:06That's all I'm asking.
15:07But I'm back and I'm just going to take you guys on this journey of just bettering myself up here, bettering my heart and bettering my health.
15:17It's a journey to better me.
15:19That's just what this is, you guys.
15:21Thank you guys for the support and for the kind messages.
15:24I appreciate that so much.
15:25Without that, I wouldn't be filming this video right now and explaining myself like this.
15:30I just want to be here we are again.
15:31I'm not going to give up my weight loss.
15:33I'm not going to give up wanting to fix up here.
15:35I'm not going to give up wanting to do these videos for you guys.
15:39I'm just not going to give up on it.
15:41I'm not.
15:42No matter how uncomfortable or how hard it gets, I will be here.
15:45So I'm going to go.
15:46I'm done rambling.
15:47I will see you guys in the next video.
15:50Bye.
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