Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Hey, Prof, no reading books in here.
00:26Books in pubs are purely for decorative purposes only.
00:28Ooh, Viking intruders. I love history.
00:31Well, it is not history, exactly.
00:33Because, of course, we, the English, have the most history in the world.
00:35More history than anyone else.
00:36Well, I would not know how to quantify history, exactly.
00:38Oh, we do. We do. We do.
00:40Yeah, because history's written by the winners, isn't it?
00:42Yeah, and that's us.
00:43French history books blank from cover to cover.
00:46Oh, I love the Vikings.
00:47I like any blokes with a helmet with a permanent horn.
00:50What is that? Shut up. You're not funny.
00:54No, I like the Vikings. You have to hand it to them.
00:57I discovered America and then didn't tell anyone.
01:00Selling a good as sin.
01:03Ooh, let me show you my longboat, said Sven.
01:06And then he...
01:07Oh!
01:08Oh, my...
01:09Oh, I thought...
01:10Oh, never confused.
01:12God!
01:13Oh, how I wish you had not done that.
01:21Ta-da!
01:22Oi, Grandad, get out of here.
01:24Oh, God.
01:25Get out, Terry. You're barred.
01:27Surely not.
01:28Yeah, he is.
01:29Tried to get Gary in audition as the new lead singer of Queen.
01:32He's no replacement for Freddie.
01:37Nah.
01:38Well, he's not gay for a start.
01:39Freddie Mercury was not gay!
01:43Go on, get out.
01:44But, Carl, my mum died last week.
01:47All right, then you're not barred.
01:50Blind him.
01:51Hold on.
01:52This ain't different about this place today.
01:55Well, I'm using the new shampoo.
01:57Thank you for noticing.
01:59Nah, it's not that.
02:00Though your hair does look nice.
02:04Where's the big fella?
02:06He's in court today for twatting that copper.
02:09Before Christmas.
02:10He's going down!
02:11Two years.
02:12Minimum.
02:13Justice!
02:14Ah, my beautiful princess.
02:18I've waited for this moment so long.
02:21Give me a white wine for the tiny lady.
02:24Urgh, look at the bottle.
02:26It's fine.
02:27It's only been open for a month.
02:29It's got a mould growing all over the spout.
02:31Reminds me of my last boyfriend.
02:33Hey, I bet.
02:34Would you stop doing that, Janet?
02:36You just keep saying the same thing over and over again,
02:38regardless of the actual conversation.
02:40It's not normal!
02:41Your last boyfriend sounds horrible.
02:43Ah, yeah.
02:44He was feral.
02:45You know, he was so filthy,
02:47he could grow crests in the small of his back while he slept.
02:50So, why did you go out with him?
02:53Well, he got me young and I didn't know any better.
02:55And, well, you know, free crests.
02:57Yeah.
02:58It's like, have you ever had a bad habit that you can't break?
03:02Oh, yes.
03:03It is murder.
03:05What's the master?
03:07Time to turn on the old Brooks charm.
03:11Chill up, love.
03:12It might never happen.
03:14I like your hair.
03:15Can I touch your ticker?
03:16Leave him alone!
03:17This is going to be harder than I thought.
03:18Well, slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.
03:19Are you saying I'm a monkey?
03:20A mouth's a mouth.
03:21Hello.
03:22Hello.
03:23Hello.
03:24Hello.
03:25I've come for the monthly sales figures.
03:26Yeah, of course.
03:27Stop looking at me!
03:28Is it me or is there a bit of an atmosphere in it?
03:29Yeah, well, that could be something to do with the fact that Jax has been made pregnant by one of the blokes in this pub.
03:43I can't remember who it is because she was so pissed when it happened.
03:44Yeah, that could be it.
03:45Oh, sorry, Jax.
03:46Did I say that loud enough for you to hear?
03:47Now, I wonder who the father could be.
03:48Janet, the fact-or-is-nees changing.
03:49Oh, but...
03:50Go on!
03:51Sla...
03:53Bye-bye, Mummy.
03:54You have so much fun here.
03:55Bye-bye, Mummy.
03:56It's great.
03:57See you, baby.
03:58Oh, I'm good.
03:59Bye-bye.
04:00Now, you're going to be going to be a boy.
04:01Is good-bye.
04:02So, I'm sitting there with his brother.
04:03And now, have I realized that he's been a bit old and has said to be the kid.
04:06Is it me or is there a bit of an atmosphere in it?
04:07Yeah, well, that could be something to do with the fact that Jax has been made pregnant by one of the blokes in this pub.
04:09But I can't remember who it is because she was so pissed when it happened.
04:10Yeah, that could be it.
04:11Slut
04:15Thank you, bye-bye, my mate
04:22G'day, mate, I was wondering if you... Hold on, pal, are you Australian? Am I Australian? Mate, I reckon I'm the Aussiest person on earth
04:30The only way I could be any more Aussie than I am now would be if I had some kind of hat on
04:37We haven't got any bar work going. Oh, no, I'm not looking for bar work. What I'm actually... Of course!
04:41You're looking for bar work. It's natural for the Australian to come to the motherland looking for bar work, hmm?
04:46After all, the criminal always will turn us to the scene of the crime. It's instinct!
04:50Instinct!
04:52Oh, well, you're right about that. It is instinctive. I mean, huh, I love bar work as much as the next Aussie, and huh, I'm an Aussie, don't worry about that.
04:59I reckon I'm the Aussiest bloke on earth. You know, I reckon Australia is the Aussiest place in the world, second only to Austria.
05:07Yeah, they're pretty Aussie down there.
05:10You know what you're so proud of? What you people have done to football is against God and nature!
05:15Nothing manly about vests.
05:17You're funny, mate. Yeah, we haven't got any work. Sod off.
05:21No, no, I'm not after any work. What I'm after is Janet Wilson.
05:25Janet? Who are you?
05:27Oh, I'm Janet's Aussie boyfriend. I'm from Australia. Yeah, I'm an Aussie, no mistake. An Aussie born and Aussie bred.
05:34Aussie tit.
05:36Oh, I suppose you've heard of me.
05:39Are you the one with mould growing over your spout, a dirty yellow helmet, scampi flavoured bores, a filthy rim, and do you explode in people's faces the minute you're touched?
05:46I've seen my reputation procedure.
05:49A pint of lager, thanks mate.
05:52Look at that house getting on like an arse on fire.
05:56And I don't even know your name.
05:58It's Leslie.
05:59Hold on, ain't the big fella called Leslie?
06:02Oh, yeah, no, we're both called Leslie.
06:04You see, we've got so much in common. We're both called Leslie, and we're both drinking here.
06:12Actually, my middle name's Leslie.
06:15Yeah.
06:16Uh-huh.
06:18That barrel didn't need...
06:22Davo!
06:23G'day, gorgeous. The prankster has landed.
06:26The prankster?
06:28The prankster?
06:29Oh, yeah, I'm a prankster, alright, mate.
06:31A prankster of pranks.
06:33I'm always pranking around.
06:34God, the only way I can do any more pranks than I do now would be if I had some kind of book of pranks that I could copy pranks out of.
06:43Oi, no books in here, Squire.
06:45You will pay for this, Governor.
06:47I'm a bit of a prank, so you know.
06:49Sense of humor, sir.
06:50Get some effort, sir.
06:51How did you find me?
06:52Well, it wasn't easy, I can tell you.
06:53I know.
06:54I made my family swear not to tell you where I was.
06:55Oh, no, your mum gave me the address straight off.
06:56Oh, free Chris?
06:57Yeah, that's what swung it.
06:58Now, I was using my child's map of Britain, and see, the thing is, this map isn't very accurate.
07:02Now, what happened was, I was down here in Dover, looking for this giant plate of fish and chips,
07:07and I couldn't find it, so I thought, right, I'll just head north until I hit this 500 foot bloke with ur written on his shirt,
07:12and he'll tell me where it is.
07:13He's using a child's map of Britain.
07:15And see, the thing is, this map isn't very accurate.
07:19Now, what happened was, I was down here in Dover
07:22looking for this giant plate of fish and chips,
07:25and I couldn't find it.
07:26So I thought, right, I'll just head north
07:28till I hit this 500-foot bloke with er written on his shirt,
07:31and he'll tell me where it is.
07:32And I got there, he wasn't even there.
07:34This map lied to me.
07:35Who is this ponch?
07:38You're funny.
07:39Oh, thanks, mate.
07:40I'm a prankster.
07:41You never know what I'm going to say next.
07:43No, no, I'm not going to say anything at the moment.
07:49How dare you mock this country.
07:50We made you.
07:51We are your gods.
07:52That fish and chips is not a geographical feature.
07:55No, it's a symbol of this great island race,
07:57because we're a proud island people
07:59with a rich tradition of monarchy and seafaring,
08:02queens and sailors.
08:05That came out wrong.
08:07Please, mate, you don't have to spin out.
08:09I'm just pranking.
08:10Yeah, don't forget, mate, we found your bloody country.
08:12Oh, which was a relief for the people living there,
08:14because they were lost.
08:15Exactly.
08:16And we're having this discussion in English.
08:18I rest my case.
08:20Yeah, I'm not English.
08:21I'm Australian.
08:22Yeah, we know.
08:23I must be the Aussiest bloke in the world.
08:25The only way I could be any more Aussie than I am now
08:29would be if I was schizophrenic
08:31and I had two different personalities,
08:33both of which were extremely Aussie.
08:36Oh, you're Aussie.
08:37Stop coming on about it.
08:38I've got going on about being Aussie
08:40is one of the Aussiest things you can do.
08:42The only way I could be any more Aussie than that
08:44would be if I had some sort of T-shirt on going,
08:46I'm not from France, I'm from Australia.
08:48Yeah.
08:49Well, it's lovely to see you again, Davo.
08:52Thanks for popping by.
08:53If you're ever in the air again,
08:54do ring up before you come round so I can go out.
08:56Hey, Janet, what about all the years we spent together?
08:59You treated me like shit on your shoe the whole time, Davo.
09:03You never took me out
09:04and you only ever came round to see me when you wanted sex.
09:07He lived the impossible dream.
09:10Bastard.
09:11I never heard you complaining.
09:13That's because you never listened to anything I said.
09:15You kept your walkman on the whole time.
09:17I love music.
09:19I was young and naive, Davo.
09:21I thought I loved you
09:22and you took advantage of that.
09:24I hate you.
09:25Oh.
09:27And you only ever managed to get me to sleep with you
09:29in the first place
09:30by lying to me, flattering me and getting me drunk.
09:33Oh.
09:35I invented the other craft.
09:37You should be a supermodel.
09:40More wine.
09:41The prankster requires another pint of Woolrong or Doolrong.
09:47Aren't you worried about Janet?
09:48What, spinning out and racking off to the dunnies?
09:50No way, mate.
09:51It's just that time of month.
09:52Oi.
09:53Don't be so sexist.
09:58It's weird, isn't it, the Aussies?
09:59I mean, they like us, but they're different to us, aren't they?
10:01Yes, like Data and his evil twin law
10:04in Star Trek The Next Generation.
10:07Oh, grow up, mate.
10:09The way I see it,
10:10is they're like super cockneys.
10:11Uber cockneys.
10:13Pureest genetic strain of cockney in the world.
10:15Yeah, exactly.
10:16See, what they did over 200 years ago
10:17is they got all the naughty cockneys.
10:19Yeah?
10:19They rounded them up.
10:20Let's face it, there was no shortage.
10:21They rounded them up
10:22and they stuffed them into a boat.
10:24Now, this boat was chock full of cockneys.
10:26Chockneys?
10:26Yeah, exactly.
10:27Chock full.
10:28And they sent them sailing off around the world going,
10:30love a duck, love a duck, love a duck, like that.
10:31Well, we all like a bit of duck.
10:35There's no need to keep on about it.
10:37Yeah, and off they went,
10:38round the Cape of Good Hops,
10:39up round past Malaria,
10:41and they came round
10:42and landed in a little town called Sydney James.
10:45Not called that anymore,
10:45they changed their name.
10:46I have never heard such a ludicrous theorem.
10:49Oh, you're great, Dave-o.
10:51I wish I was an Aussie, like you.
10:54Well, you can be, mate.
10:55What's your name?
10:56Steve.
10:56No, no, no, Steve.
10:57That's too boring.
10:58I'm going to call you Steve-o.
11:05Steve-o.
11:05Yep, Steve-o.
11:06Now, that's a pretty Aussie name.
11:08Not as Aussie as Dave-o, mind.
11:10Dave-o is the Aussiest name in the world.
11:12The only way I could be any more Aussie than that
11:14is if I was called the Dave-ster-all,
11:16Dave-a-ra-m-a-all,
11:17the Dave-a-saurus.
11:19Or Aussie.
11:21Aussie?
11:23Hey, that's a pretty Aussie name.
11:25You know, the minute I saw you,
11:27I knew you were the woman I was going to marry.
11:31Really?
11:32Oh, Terry, I can't.
11:34What about Leslie?
11:36Well, how come you didn't go to court with him today, then?
11:38What?
11:39And miss out on a day's drinking?
11:41You must be fucking joking.
11:45Sydney James.
11:46Yeah, well, come on then, prof.
11:47How can you, with all your book knowledge,
11:49explain your Australian's in?
11:50We are the products of our environment,
11:52rather like the finches of the Galapagos Islands,
11:54which have developed different beaks
11:55according to their varying needs.
11:57Hang on.
11:58Are you saying that I'm some kind of finch?
12:00Well, no, I...
12:01No, no, please.
12:02No, I'm not any kind of finch
12:03or any other kind of flying bird.
12:05I'm a man.
12:06An Australian human man.
12:08And anyone who says I'm not is lying.
12:10Well, I meant...
12:11Well, hey, just mucking around.
12:12He's just drinking.
12:13Hey, hey, just pull on your dick, mate.
12:17Oh, I wish you were.
12:22Now hard feelings?
12:23Well, I wouldn't say that, exactly.
12:27Dick, no!
12:28What about Lizzie?
12:31Well, he's left you on your own.
12:34You're a woman with woman's knees.
12:37He can't expect you to wait for him.
12:40He's only been gone a day.
12:42I might get off.
12:43No chance.
12:44He's going down.
12:45And so are you.
12:48Oh, Terry.
12:50I'm not saying I'm not tempted.
12:52You're a very attractive man.
12:57But I can't.
12:59There's nothing you can do
13:00that will make me change my mind.
13:02We'll see about that.
13:08Medevo?
13:09Yeah, Proffo?
13:10Does your family know where you are?
13:13No, I racked up without telling anybody.
13:16Excellent.
13:16So, if something were to happen to you,
13:19no-one would know, wouldn't they?
13:21Nah, I suppose not.
13:22Would you like to come and stay in my house?
13:24I've got a spare room in the cellar.
13:28Nah, thanks anyway, Proffo,
13:29but I'm hoping to sleep with Jano tonight
13:31if you catch my drift.
13:33Is that likely?
13:34She did seem pretty angry with you.
13:36Nah, no wucking furries, mate.
13:38By midnight, I'll be drinking from the hairy goblet.
13:41The hairy goblet.
13:46One of the less successful Harry Potter books.
13:50I'd better go and check on her, just in case.
13:53Oh, no, you don't.
13:54You can't go in there, mate.
13:55A man in the ladies?
13:56He can.
13:57He's a prankster.
13:58Yeah, that's right, bullet hello.
14:00Gov-o!
14:03Right, gents.
14:04Gather round.
14:05We need to talk now alone.
14:07Steve, come here.
14:08Steve!
14:09Are you talking to me?
14:10Because my name's Steve-o.
14:11Oh, shut up.
14:12Because I'm an Aussie.
14:13The only way I could be more Aussie...
14:15Was if you came from Australia.
14:16That would help.
14:17Now, listen, we need to talk about Ms Jackson.
14:20Which one of you was it got her pregnant?
14:21Come on.
14:22Wasn't me, oh.
14:23Yeah, well, I didn't have you down as exact possibility, son.
14:25It wasn't me.
14:27I'd have used a condom.
14:28I had one then,
14:30and I couldn't risk another stand.
14:32Nor I.
14:33I have not made love to a female
14:35since that Christmas with your mother.
14:37Eh?
14:40Ah, nothing.
14:41Well, it wasn't Terry.
14:42We talked about it last week.
14:43It ain't him.
14:44So who does that leave?
14:46Hmm.
14:47I suppose it must be me.
14:49Surely you remember?
14:51And it had been a year.
14:52No, no, no.
14:53I can't remember anything about the gay night.
14:54It's completely blank from my memory.
14:56What?
14:56Even when you took your pajama bottoms down
14:58for those firemen?
14:59No.
15:00That never happened.
15:01It didn't happen.
15:02Never.
15:03Still, me and Ms Jackson, eh?
15:06Ha, ha, ha.
15:07It's fair, I suppose.
15:08After all, the brewery's been screwing me for years.
15:11Justice!
15:13Oh, come on, Janno.
15:15You can't stay in there all day.
15:17Go away!
15:19You're a bastard to me, Davo.
15:21You're bad for me, and I want you to leave.
15:23Yeah, I know, Janno.
15:25When you left me, it hurt me bad.
15:28I took a good, long, hard look at myself,
15:30and, you know,
15:31I started thinking about all the things I'd done,
15:33and I realised I was wrong, you know?
15:35That's why I come 14,000 miles,
15:38because I love you, Janno,
15:39and I want you back.
15:45Davo, really?
15:46Yeah.
15:48Oh, plus, I needed someone to do me washing.
15:50Check it out.
15:54Two years' worth of grungy undies.
15:56It's fucking shocking.
15:58Oh, come on, Janno.
16:00Washing's woman's work.
16:01I'll pass them under the door.
16:03You can wash them in the dunny.
16:07Oh, check this out.
16:08There's some kind of undies-eating monster in there.
16:12Hey, I'm only pranking.
16:14Dunno!
16:17Sorry, son, no students allowed in here.
16:19No, Carl, it's me, Terry.
16:22Terry, you must have disguised you.
16:24Leslie, I've dressed up as a todger
16:29to show how serious I am about you.
16:32I love you.
16:37Oh, Terrence!
16:39That's the most romantic thing I've ever seen.
16:43Will you marry me?
16:45Yes!
16:46A hundred times, yes!
16:49Slowly, slowly, monkey-core.
16:54Come here, you naughty, tiny little lady!
16:58Mwah!
16:59Grr!
17:01Grr!
17:02Grr!
17:03Grr!
17:04Oh, shit!
17:06Grr!
17:08Leslie!
17:09What are you doing here?
17:11Grr!
17:13Not guilty due to having a mind of a child.
17:15Grr!
17:16Grr!
17:17Well, that's wonderful news!
17:19Grr!
17:20Yeah, that's blinding, mate.
17:22Grr!
17:23I'm sorry, Leslie, but while you're away, I met someone else.
17:28Grr!
17:29Don't worry, mate, you can have her back.
17:32Grr!
17:33Grr!
17:34No, it's all right, Terrence.
17:36He says that all he's ever wanted was for me to be happy.
17:39Grr!
17:40Grr!
17:40And even though he's sorry to see me go, he wishes us every success.
17:45Grr!
17:47Grr!
17:48Grr!
17:48Grr!
17:49Grr!
17:49Grr!
17:50Grr!
17:50Grr!
17:51Yeah, Christ, what a stroke of luck!
17:53Grr!
17:53Oh, come on, Jano.
17:56Look, I've come all this way.
17:58At least I deserves a handjob.
17:59You think you can just turn up out of the blue and I'm just going to jump straight in
18:06the sack with you again?
18:08Yeah.
18:10Damn it, you're right.
18:12I can't resist you, you scuzzy, dirty bastard.
18:17The Davasaurus strikes again.
18:24Right, who's in charge here?
18:26I am.
18:27Hey.
18:29Good.
18:29It's going to give me enormous pleasure to string you up from a lamppost by your testicles.
18:34Now, why did I not think of that?
18:38Hang on, mate.
18:39Don't spit out.
18:40This bald bandicoot's the real boss, are you?
18:42Come on, Davao.
18:43So you're in charge?
18:45Yeah, I am.
18:45And who are you?
18:46Daddy, please don't do this.
18:48Get in at once, Victoria.
18:50Daddy, you're embarrassing me.
18:52I'm embarrassing you?
18:54You're the one carrying the illegitimate spawn of one of these sad alcoholics.
18:58Please, Squire, we don't call them that.
18:59We prefer the term barstool jockeys who fall at every fence.
19:05Silence.
19:06I'm speaking.
19:07Daddy!
19:08Now, Victoria informs me that one of you unsavoury fellows is the father of her bastard, but
19:14she can't remember who.
19:15Daddy, I can sort this out myself.
19:17Well, clearly you can't.
19:18The Jacksons are a respectable family, and I insist whoever is responsible identifies
19:23himself and does the decent thing.
19:24You mean run away, change his name, and create a new identity in a faraway foreign land where
19:33he cannot be found?
19:34No.
19:35No.
19:36Oh.
19:37It worked for me and Mae Sung.
19:39No.
19:40No.
19:41The impregnator must marry her forthwith.
19:45So, who was it?
19:47I should warn you at this juncture that I'm a major shareholder in this brewery.
19:52Oh.
19:53So that's how you got your job, is it?
19:54I never put a pint in your life!
19:56And if the father does not come forward, I should have this pub pulled down brick by
20:00brick, and every brick crushed into brick dust by a brick-crushing machine, then placed
20:07into a giant cannon, and shot into the heart of the sun.
20:11Wouldn't that be prohibitively expensive?
20:15I've had a rich man, and I can afford to have it done.
20:20And believe me, if I don't get some satisfaction, I will do.
20:23He will.
20:24He's done it before.
20:25Oh, God!
20:26All right, then.
20:27It was me!
20:28What?
20:29Terry!
20:30Terry?
20:31Terry!
20:32Yeah.
20:33Yeah.
20:34As sure as my name is Terence Leslie Brooks.
20:38I'm the father.
20:39The flatulent man in a tiger suit.
20:42I might have guessed it.
20:45Welcome to the family.
20:47No, please say it's not true!
20:50Anyone but him!
20:52But Terence is already betrothed to me!
20:55Warm up the brick-crushing machine.
20:58So, who shall I choose?
21:03Love or responsibility?
21:06Sorry, Leslie.
21:07I choose Vicky.
21:08She's got better tits.
21:09Oh!
21:10How dare you!
21:11Jude me!
21:12Jude me!
21:13Jude me!
21:14Jude me!
21:15Jude me!
21:16Jude me!
21:17Ah!
21:18Oh, Leslie!
21:19It's you I love!
21:20How could I ever have doubted you?
21:21You all right, Till?
21:22Will you be my best man again, gov?
21:23Oh, how can I resist those cute baby eyes?
21:24I'll put your place for the stag as usual, yeah?
21:25In fact, um...
21:26I'll put your place for the stag as usual, yeah?
21:27In fact, um...
21:28No!
21:32No!
21:33No!
21:34Oh!
21:35That shit!
21:36It's me!
21:37Oh, you're all right, Till?
21:38Will you be my best man again, gov?
21:39Ah, can I resist those cute baby eyes?
21:42I'll put your place for the stag as usual, yeah?
21:44Yeah, yeah
22:00Sorry, babe, I don't know what's wrong with me. You're not feeling yourself. Well, that's a problem for the last couple of years
22:06I've just been feeling myself and now having someone else do it. Just doesn't feel right
22:10Oh, don't worry, sweet nuts. You just lie back shut your eyes and imagine that I'm you. Oh
22:17Wow, that's so sick and wrong
22:27They come for the loving but they stay for the crest
22:40You