- 7 months ago
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00:00Do-do-do-do-do
00:30Do-do-do-do-do-do-wa
00:43Good evening, everyone.
00:45Good evening.
00:48Good heavens, Ranjeet.
00:50You're actually here on time.
00:51Yes.
00:52Well done.
00:53Thank you, one.
00:56And thank you for carrying it.
00:58De nada, hombre. Permítame que le quite el abrigo, por favor.
01:00Oh, yes, thank you very much.
01:03Ya está usted, aquí estoy yo para servirle, señor Brown, porque yo la atenderé siempre bien.
01:09Usted.
01:10You Spanish creeper.
01:12You an Italian cuticamba.
01:14All right, settle down, everybody. We've got a lot of work to do tonight.
01:18Right.
01:20Squeeze, please.
01:21Just sit down a minute early, will you?
01:22No, thank you. I'm only coming to tell you I'm not coming.
01:25Not coming?
01:26Yes, please.
01:27But you can't leave in the middle of a term.
01:29I mean, you were doing quite well. Why do you want to leave?
01:31Oh, blimey, I'm coming up on the puddles.
01:34Coming up on the puddles?
01:35Yes, please. The football puddles.
01:38Oh, the football pools?
01:39Yes, and I'm getting eight scurrying draws.
01:42How many draws on the capon?
01:44Only the eight I'm getting.
01:46How much are you in?
01:48Oh, blimey, it could be half a million pounds.
01:52Santa Maria!
01:53Oh, I'm very happy for you because you are my best friend.
01:59He's also my friend.
02:01I am the true friend of Ali.
02:10You?
02:11But of course, we are practically bloody brothers.
02:14I thought you didn't like Muslims.
02:17I love Muslims, especially when they're having half a million pounds.
02:22Well, I don't know what to say, Ali. I mean, I'm very pleased for you, of course.
02:25I'm also being very pleased for me.
02:27Yeah, what will you do?
02:28Oh, blimey, I'm going to the bed.
02:31To bed?
02:32Yes, please.
02:32With all that money, I'm not needing to be working, so I'm going to bed.
02:36You mean you're going to retire?
02:38Most definitely.
02:39Yeah.
02:40You're quite sure you've got eight score draws?
02:42Oh, yes.
02:42I got the copy.
02:44Here, please.
02:45The one I'm ticking off.
02:47I see.
02:48Yeah, well, Ali, I don't think you're going to be able to retire just yet.
02:51You mean he's not got eight draws?
02:52Oh, yes.
02:53He's got eight draws.
02:55Oh, good.
02:56They're not all on the same line.
02:57What difference is that making?
02:59Well, it means you haven't won anything.
03:01Nothing at all?
03:02Nothing at all.
03:03Ha!
03:04Bellos.
03:05Here, here, here.
03:06It's a pangos.
03:07No, car!
03:09Yes, that's a pangos, my car, yes.
03:12Typical of that Muslim tweet.
03:14No brains whatsoever.
03:16Oh, blimey, you are changing tune.
03:18When you are thinking that I am very wealthy, you are being my bloody brother.
03:22That is, before I am finding out you are bloody stupid.
03:25Don't you tell me, bloody stupid.
03:26You bearded baboon.
03:28Quiet the pair of you and sit down.
03:30I presume you're staying now, are you?
03:33I'm staying now, yes.
03:34Good.
03:36Right.
03:36Now, this evening, I thought we'd try some practical use of the English language
03:39by acting out various situations that you might come across in real life.
03:44Now, we'll start with you, Taro.
03:46Ah, so.
03:47Now, you are going to the bank.
03:54Banco?
03:55Yes, sir.
03:56Where are you going?
03:59Banco.
04:00No, it's only a pretend bank.
04:02Pretendo?
04:03Yes, sir.
04:04Yes, yes.
04:05Look, we'll imagine that this table is the bank counter, that I'm the bank clerk,
04:08that you are a customer, and you've come in to cash a cheque.
04:11All right?
04:13Okay.
04:14Good morning, sir.
04:15It is, sir.
04:17Not good morning time.
04:19It is, sir.
04:20Good night time.
04:22Yes, it is now, but we are pretending.
04:25Ah, sir.
04:27Carry on.
04:28Good morning, sir.
04:29One moment, sir.
04:30What is it now?
04:31Are you Barclay, sir?
04:32Or Midland-o?
04:35Well, it doesn't matter.
04:36Midland, if you like.
04:37Good morning, sir.
04:39Goodbye.
04:39Goodbye.
04:42Midland-o, not my banco.
04:49Barclay, sir, my banco.
04:52Yeah, all right.
04:53It's Barclays.
04:54Good morning, sir.
04:55Good morning.
04:56Ah.
04:57You wish to cash a cheque?
04:59Yes, please, sir.
05:00Good.
05:00How much?
05:01Ten pounds?
05:02Twenty?
05:02Thirty?
05:03Thirty.
05:03How do you want it?
05:05In money, please, sir.
05:07Thirty pounds in tens, ones, or fives, or what?
05:11Look, I have the thirty or five, sir.
05:15Oh, that would be a hundred and fifty pounds.
05:16Ah, sorry for Mistake.
05:19Yeah, well, not to worry.
05:20Thank you, Tara.
05:20That's not too bad.
05:21Now, who shall we have next?
05:23Ah, Danielle.
05:23You are the nicest banker I have seen.
05:32Yes, sir, we're not in the bank now.
05:34I want you to imagine something different.
05:36I have very good imagination.
05:38Yes, I'm sure you have.
05:40Now, I want you to, uh, you, you are going to the post office, and I am the assistant.
05:45Oh, hmm.
05:46Excuse me.
05:47Can you help me?
05:48Certainly, madam.
05:49What is it you wish?
05:50How much it is, a letter to post?
05:53Uh, is it to somewhere in England?
05:55No, it is a Swiss letter.
05:57A Swiss letter?
05:58Yes, I write to my boyfriend in Switzerland.
06:01Yeah, well, it's more correct to say that you want to send a letter to Switzerland, not
06:03a Swiss letter.
06:04It could be rather embarrassing if you were writing to someone in France.
06:08Oh, it doesn't matter.
06:11I think I need some extra English lesson.
06:13And maybe I could stay here with you after class.
06:16No, I don't think we could do that.
06:19Well, I come home with you, and you can teach me a lot, sir.
06:23Yes, I'm sure I could, but I think you know quite sufficient already.
06:27Now, is there anything else you want?
06:29Yes, but I cannot tell you here.
06:34From the post office?
06:37No, nothing.
06:39Well, all right.
06:40Thank you, Danielle.
06:41That'll do.
06:41Now, uh, Juan.
06:45Si, senor.
06:46You are going to the employment exchange.
06:49Por favor.
06:50Well, you're going to get a job.
06:52Ah, I have job.
06:54Yeah, I know that, but we're assuming that you don't, and that you're going to the employment
06:57exchange to get one.
06:58As I explained to Tara, we are just pretending.
07:01Ah, sorry.
07:01Ah, right.
07:03What is your name?
07:04You know my name.
07:05Yes, I do with the clerk at the job centre, doesn't it?
07:10Ah, si.
07:11Juan Cervantes para servirle.
07:13Oh, right.
07:15Are you married?
07:16Si.
07:17I married to, uh, Gina Lollobrigida.
07:25Don't be ridiculous.
07:28Pretending.
07:31Touché.
07:32All right.
07:33What sort of a job are you looking for?
07:35A plenty manager.
07:36Yeah, but what sort of work do you want to do in order to earn this plenty money?
07:41Plenty little.
07:44All right, Juan.
07:45That'll be sufficient.
07:47Tasty.
07:47I like it.
07:48A very good game.
07:51Thank you, Juan.
07:52Right, uh, now, Ranjit.
07:57What is it you are wanting me to do?
07:59Uh, you are going to the doctor's.
08:01And what is the nature of my complaint?
08:03Well, let's just say that you don't feel well.
08:05But I'm never feeling better.
08:07Yeah, well, pretend you have a cold.
08:10A cold what?
08:13All right, let's forget about the cold.
08:14Just imagine that you have a pain.
08:17Very well, sir.
08:18Oh.
08:19Well, go on.
08:21A thousand apologies.
08:23I am waiting for you to say, next, please.
08:26Doctor always say, next, please.
08:30Next, please.
08:33Good morning, doctor.
08:34Good morning.
08:34And, uh, what seems to be the trouble?
08:37I have terrible pain.
08:39Whereabouts?
08:40In my imagination.
08:43You're supposed to pretend it's a real pain.
08:47A thousand apologies again.
08:48I have real terrible pain.
08:52Good.
08:52Now, whereabouts is this pain?
08:54In my foot.
08:55But his brains are hurting.
08:59Well, perhaps I will be hurting in a moment.
09:03Oh, blimey.
09:04You couldn't even crack a popperdom.
09:05I'll give you a bunch of fibres.
09:07I'll give you a bunch of the perrots.
09:08I'll give you a bunch of the perrots.
09:09I'll give you a bunch of the perrots.
09:10I'll give you a bunch of the perrots.
09:12Oh, it's caught me.
09:14What on earth is going on in here?
09:15Oh, we were just having a few practical lessons.
09:17What in?
09:19Unarmed combat?
09:20Oh, it might come in useful.
09:21Oh.
09:22Well, I'm afraid your students will have to do without you for a little while.
09:27You're wanted down at the police station.
09:29The police station?
09:30There's no need to look so guilty.
09:31It's nothing you've done.
09:32It's about one of your students, the Indian lady.
09:35Oh, Jamila.
09:36What, has something happened to her?
09:38Yes.
09:39She's been arrested for shoplifting.
09:52Hello?
10:02Constable Wilkins?
10:04Where the devil are you?
10:05You should have been back here by now.
10:07Pardon?
10:08No, I will not send a panda car for you.
10:11I don't care if someone has pinched your bicycle.
10:13Pinch somebody else's.
10:17Would you like a cup of tea?
10:19No, I've told you how much I can tell you, how do I understand you?
10:23A tea?
10:25A cup of tea?
10:27Tea?
10:29Oh, yes, please, no, thank you.
10:32For sugar.
10:34Don't run away.
10:39Jamila, are you all right?
10:41Oh, thank you, Master.
10:42You came here to help me to save me for a while.
10:43I'll tell you.
10:45What did she say, Ali?
10:46Thank you, Master.
10:46You came here to help me to save you.
10:49In English.
10:50Oh, excuse me, please.
10:51She's saying that she's very glad that we are coming to help her escape.
10:55Ask her what she stole.
10:57What did you steal?
10:58Loji steal.
10:59I wrote that I'm free.
11:03So I took it.
11:05Now they say that you stole it.
11:06Well, nothing.
11:08She must have said more than that.
11:10Yes, please.
11:11She's saying that she took a book from the newspaper shop,
11:13but the book was free.
11:15Well, there's obviously been some misunderstanding.
11:17I'll sort it out with the police.
11:19Will they be sending her to prison?
11:21No, no, no, no.
11:21Nothing as drastic as that.
11:22I'll have a word with the sergeant.
11:24Five pounds ought to do it.
11:25Ah, I'm understanding.
11:26That is a fine.
11:27No, no, no.
11:28It's not exactly a fine.
11:29Let's just say it's a little gift.
11:31Gift?
11:31Yes, it's an old English custom.
11:33I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
11:35Ah, you scratch my back, I scratch yours.
11:38That's right.
11:38Very well.
11:39What are you being itchy?
11:39No, no, no, no.
11:40It's a fine.
11:41John.
11:45God, have any.
11:48Good evening.
11:49Good evening.
11:50Are you Mr Brown?
11:51No, he's Mr Brown.
11:52I was speaking to him.
11:54You have this for the right first time.
11:56Who are you?
11:57Ali Nadim.
11:58No, I am Ali Nadim.
12:00You are Mr Brown.
12:01Sally, I'll do the talking, all right?
12:03You just leave it to me.
12:04Now, I'm sure we can sort this out, Inspector.
12:07The Commissioner looks after promotions here, sir.
12:10Yes, well, you look like an inspector.
12:11I'm sure it's only a matter of time.
12:13May I compliment you on your station
12:14and what a wonderful job you're doing?
12:16Thank you, sir.
12:17Now, about this young lady.
12:18Ah, yes.
12:19I expect you'd like to have a look at my driving license.
12:22What for?
12:23Oh, to verify my identity.
12:25You said you were Mr Brown.
12:26Yes, but you want some proof, don't you?
12:28Look, if you tell me you're Mr Brown,
12:29I accept that as the truth.
12:31Yes, but I could have been lying.
12:32Were you lying?
12:33No, he's definitely Mr Brown.
12:35He's telling the truth.
12:36I insist you look at my driving license.
12:39Oh, very well, if it'll make you happy.
12:45Is this yours, sir?
12:46Pardon?
12:47This £5 note, it was inside your driving license.
12:50Are you sure?
12:51It could have dropped out of your trouser pocket.
12:53Oh, yes.
12:54And dropped upwards, I suppose, onto the desk.
12:57You might have had it tucked up your sleeve.
12:58Yes, and I could have a couple of doves up the other,
13:00but I haven't.
13:01It was definitely in your license.
13:04Yes, Sergeant, it's correct.
13:05I remember you putting it there not a moment ago.
13:09I forgot.
13:10It was just before you said,
13:11you scratch my back and I scratch yours.
13:14Thank you, George Washington.
13:16No, I'm Ali.
13:17Ali, just be quiet, please.
13:20Now, Sergeant, about this young lady.
13:22Yes, the accused.
13:23Yes, well, remember British justice.
13:25I mean, a person is presumed innocent until proven guilty,
13:27and this poor lady is innocent.
13:29I know that.
13:29I mean, just because she's an immigrant,
13:31you can't go picking...
13:32Pardon?
13:33Oh, she pinched the book, all right.
13:35But she thought it was Buck Shee.
13:37See what it says on the front cover?
13:39Free inside, colour supplement.
13:41That's right.
13:42Oh, and she thought the whole thing was free.
13:44Yes.
13:45Ah, well, then it's not her fault.
13:46If anyone's to blame,
13:48it's the person who's been teaching her English.
13:52Yes, well, it's not always easy.
13:53Well, if that's all, we'll be getting along.
13:54Come along, Jemilla.
13:54Oh, well, that children must have...
13:57Before you go, sir,
13:58would you like to make a donation
14:01to our police charity fund?
14:03Yes, well, you've caught me at a rather awkward moment.
14:05What about the fiver?
14:07You remember, sir?
14:08The one you thought you'd never had.
14:10Oh, that fiver.
14:11You know what they say, sir,
14:12what you've never had, you never miss.
14:15Unless, of course, you knew it was there all the time,
14:18in which case it would come under bribery and corruption.
14:23You scratch my back.
14:24And I'll scratch yours.
14:31See, Mr. Brown is not back.
14:33Now, what are you doing at the moment?
14:34We are studying our English glamour.
14:36Good.
14:37How far have you got?
14:38Let me see your book.
14:41Giovanni,
14:42Miss Courtney would like to see your book.
14:44I want to see your book.
14:52The Affairs of a Call Girl.
14:57I thought it was about the adventures of a telephone operator.
15:02Honest.
15:03A likely story.
15:06Well, until Mr. Brown returns, I shall take the class.
15:09Signora.
15:09Where are you taking us?
15:15I am not taking you anywhere.
15:17I am going to ask you a few questions on general knowledge.
15:20Hello.
15:20Now, first of all, can anyone tell me who said, to be or not to be?
15:26Please?
15:27You just said it?
15:28Oh, yes.
15:30But before I said it, who said it?
15:33Excuse, please.
15:35Yes?
15:35Chairman Mao.
15:36It may come as a surprise to you to know, but other people wrote things besides Chairman Mao.
15:43Chairman Mao liked everything.
15:44Well, he certainly didn't like...
15:46Right.
15:47To be or not to be.
15:49Now, does anybody know?
15:51William Shakespeare.
15:53Correct.
15:54Excuse, please.
15:56Who is this William Spear-Sheik?
16:00Shakespeare.
16:01Thousand apologies.
16:02Are you not familiar with Shakespeare's works?
16:06Is it a big place?
16:08Is what a big place?
16:10These works of Shakespeare.
16:13I am referring to the things he wrote.
16:15Ah, scusi.
16:17Now then, can anyone tell me what the population of England is?
16:22Miss Smith?
16:23Yeah, English.
16:27Not any longer.
16:28However, what I really meant was how many people are there?
16:33I do not know.
16:34I have not counted them.
16:37Well, let me ask you a simple question.
16:39Mr. Nagazumi.
16:41Ah, so.
16:44Can you tell me how many peas there are in a pound?
16:48Depends on size of peas.
16:50I think you had better all go back to studying your books until Mr. Brown returns.
16:58You surely can't be much longer.
16:59Ah, so.
16:59I wish she'd tell us why she's brought us back here.
17:15She just said she was having something to show you.
17:18She's saying thank you for saving her from the police
17:28and hopes that you will do the same next time.
17:31Well, I hope there's not going to be a next time.
17:37Free offer?
17:41Two pee off each tin?
17:42Huh?
17:43Supermark.
17:44Supermarket?
17:45Well, I've obviously been having a...
17:46Oh, no.
17:48Free offer.
17:49You haven't been taking things from the supermarket.
17:59Oh, dearie me.
18:00Did you say that again?
18:02Oh, dearie me.
18:05You must go back and see the police sergeant and scratch his bag again.
18:08Can't do that.
18:10He'll never believe this was a mistake.
18:12I mean, pinching a magazine is one thing,
18:13but knocking off half a supermarket's a rather a different matter.
18:17On the other hand, we can't let Jamila keep all these stolen goods.
18:19It's dishonest.
18:21She can give them to me?
18:22I don't mind being dishonest.
18:25I'm sure you don't.
18:26Now, listen, Ali.
18:27I want you to go back to the school
18:29and ask all the students to meet Jamila and I outside the supermarket.
18:33What are we going to be doing?
18:35We're going to be putting all these things back.
18:40Oh, hello, Gladys.
18:41Everything locked up?
18:42Yes, Miss Courtney.
18:43By the way, I don't suppose you could give me a lift.
18:46Oh, I'm sorry, Gladys.
18:47I'm not going straight home tonight.
18:49There are one or two things I want from the supermarket.
18:50Oh.
18:51All right, now you all know what to do.
19:04Just be very, very careful that nobody sees you, all right?
19:07All right?
19:21What are you doing here?
19:48Ah, well, I suppose you could say it was an extracurricular activity.
19:53Sir, excuse me, he's stuck.
19:55What are you doing with that job?
19:57I'm trying to get it out.
19:58Yeah, well, it's a long story, Miss Courtney.
20:00I'll explain later.
20:00Let me give you a hand.
20:02Pull, pull.
20:09All right, I've been watching you lot.
20:10Just what do you think you're doing?
20:12Would you believe we were putting things back?
20:15No.
20:16I didn't think you would.
20:18Well, well, well.
20:21Regular little fagin', aren't you?
20:23I can explain, Sergeant.
20:25You're not going to show me your driving licence again, are you?
20:27No.
20:28That's a relief.
20:29You see, we were actually trying to return the goods.
20:31I mean, ask the students.
20:33Oh, yeah, yeah.
20:34Quiet!
20:35Now, look here, Sergeant.
20:37It was obviously just a misunderstanding,
20:39and I see no reason why you should pursue this any further.
20:41I'm sorry, Madam.
20:42Miss, if you don't mind.
20:44Yes.
20:46Well, I'm afraid I shall have to make a report out on this affair.
20:49Oh, no, couldn't you just forget it ever happened?
20:51No.
20:52Well, I'm sure your police charity fund wouldn't say no to another contribution, Sergeant.
20:55Well, we're always grateful for anything, sir.
20:59Shall we say another five pounds?
21:01That's very generous of you.
21:03Oh, right.
21:04Right.
21:05Come along, everybody.
21:07Just a moment, Mr. Brown.
21:09Where are you going?
21:10I've not made out my report yet.
21:12Yeah, but I've just given you five pounds to forgive it.
21:15Oh, no, sir.
21:16You very kindly donated five pounds to our charity fund.
21:20It wasn't meant as a bribe, was it, sir?
21:23No.
21:25Good.
21:26Now, let's take a few names.
21:29You, Madam.
21:29Sorry.
21:30Miss.
21:32Cockney.
21:36You, sir.
21:37Yes.
21:37What's your name?
21:38Por favor.
21:40How do you spell that?
21:43That's not his name.
21:45Oh, give him your false name, eh?
21:47Por favor.
21:48I'll come back to you, Mr. Por Favor, or whatever your name is.
21:53You.
21:55Yes, please.
21:56What is your name?
21:58Oh, no.
21:59What is not my name?
22:01I don't want to know what your name is not.
22:04What is your name?
22:06And I'm telling you it is not.
22:09You.
22:09What is his name?
22:12Nine.
22:13Aha.
22:13Now we're getting somewhere.
22:16Mr. Nine.
22:17That is not his name.
22:19You just said it was.
22:20You ask me if his name is what, and I tell you nine.
22:22What is not his name, but also not that?
22:25I'm going around the fence.
22:27What is his name?
22:28Absolutely not.
22:29Not what?
22:30That is correct.
22:32What is your name?
22:33Wrong again.
22:34He said not here.
22:36Who's not here?
22:37Now, who is not here and what is not here neither?
22:45You're all balmy.
22:47Mr. Brown.
22:47If I promise not to proceed with this report, will you do me a favour?
22:55Yes.
22:56What is it?
22:56Get these crap pots out of here.
22:59And promise never to bring them back, even if they've committed murder.
23:03Good evening, Miss Courtney, or should I say mother?
23:16Please don't remind me of last night's unfortunate incident.
23:19Sorry.
23:20I hope you've explained to your Indian lady the difference between free and free offer.
23:25Oh, yes, she understands it.
23:26Now, don't worry.
23:26It won't happen again.
23:28Ah, excuse me.
23:29I'm looking for a Jamila Ramjat.
23:32Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
23:34I hope not.
23:35Why do you want Jamila?
23:36Well, she ordered a minibike from us a month ago.
23:38She hasn't paid for it.
23:39We sent her three invoices.
23:41She actually ordered the bike?
23:43Oh, yeah, she sent in the coupon.
23:44Look, here it is.
23:45Oh, no, she's done it again.
23:47Seven-day free trial.
23:49Yeah.
23:49Oh, yeah.
23:50Sorry.
24:15Oh, yeah.
24:19Oh, yeah.
24:20Oh, yeah, she's done it again.
24:23Oh, yeah.
24:28Oh, yeah.
24:33Oh, yeah.