- 5 weeks ago
(Brightened HD copy). Very British comedy-drama series about social life, with British humour, witty dialogue, starring David Jason, Michael Jayston, Gwen Taylor, Paul Chapman, Nicola Pagett, Sarah-Jane Holm, David Thewlis, Tim Wylton, Stephanie Cole, Nigel Hastings, Wayne Foskett. Written by David Nobbs.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh, Arthur. If anyone ever told me I'd get invited to a weekend seminar on organic vegetables in Milton Keynes, and I'd say no, I wouldn't believe them. And I can't come. I've got a bit of a do on. A wedding. I'll think of you as I force a champagne down my gullet.
00:17Oh, Arthur.
00:47A small town, a harsh nosh affair. Best behavior, being aware of others who are doing it too. Others who are seeing through you. A veil of a do. All tinkety-boo.
01:07New dimensions for family tensions. Mentioning the little things that shouldn't be mentioned. A bit of a do. Bit of a do. Invited to a bit of a do.
01:23Oh, Lord.
01:30What? Nothing. No, please. Don't let's start drifting apart again. I need you today, Liz. I'm scared.
01:37Scared? The great anthropologist who's faced headhunters, witch doctors, and poisoned blowpipes.
01:41Yes, the great bachelor, the great wanderer, the great loner. Terrified.
01:44Terrified she may not turn up.
01:46Good heavens, no. She wouldn't do that. Twice? Would you be happy if she didn't turn up?
01:52Really, Geoffrey, what a thing to ask. Of course I would. I'd be ecstatic.
01:58Oh, Liz. And I thought you were friends again.
02:01I was very emotional at Neville's funeral. I said some foolish things I bitterly regret.
02:06Such as? Such as shall we end this stupid feud, Rita, whereupon she marries my brother when I've discovered him for the first time.
02:13Her son exposes my son, loses him his job. Damn old Simcox.
02:17You still haven't told me why you said, Oh, Lord.
02:20Last time I stood here, I was getting married.
02:25Oh, Lord.
02:26Sorry. Oh, I don't want to cast a pall over your great day.
02:30Liz, Rita and I both want you to be a frequent and regular visitor at our house.
02:34Watching you touching each other. Enviously listening to your creaking bed springs. Terrific. I can't wait.
02:42Simon.
02:47Fragile. Handle with care.
02:49Oh, Lord.
02:53Hello, Mother.
02:55You look fantastic. Everyone will think you're the bride.
02:58Not this time, Simon.
03:00Oh, Lord. Crunch, thud, sacked estate agent, drops brick.
03:05I'm sorry, Mother.
03:06A minor indiscretion compared to your recent efforts.
03:09I can just forgive you for being dishonest, Simon, but for being stupid enough to be found out by Elvis, never.
03:17Bad luck.
03:19Lucinda all right?
03:21Oh, yes. The wedding isn't off. It's just postponed till I've found myself a job.
03:26Hello.
03:27Rita.
03:30Well, I've turned up.
03:33Unlike most other people, it seems.
03:36Elvis rang. He's been bleeped. Emergency. He'll meet me here.
03:40Who'd have sons? Monsters.
03:42And Paul?
03:44Oh, I'll just slope off tactfully.
03:47Thank you, Simon.
03:48Do it tactfully enough. Without a word, we won't even notice.
03:54My oldest son's been bleeped.
03:56And my youngest son's gone fishing.
03:58Fishing?
03:59He's finding it difficult to cope with life out of prison.
04:02And crowded rooms make him panic.
04:04And I don't think he relished the idea of meeting Elvis.
04:07He phoned, though. Cried a bit.
04:09Sent us both his love and blessing.
04:11Fishing. Today.
04:13And him a vegetarian.
04:16Is Jenny not here yet?
04:18No, not a sign.
04:19Nor Carol.
04:20Yes, well, I'm afraid my marrying you is making me a traitor to the cause to which I recruited Carol.
04:26Even your changing your name to mine hasn't mollified her.
04:29No Betty and Rodney, though. That's hard.
04:33Fuming. Back to square one.
04:35Oh, dear.
04:39Eric.
04:40Thank you so much for inviting me, Mrs.
04:44Well, it's still Simcox, isn't it?
04:46At least for a few minutes.
04:47Please.
04:48Call me Rita.
04:49Do you know, in my career, I've done 17 nuptials, Miss Rita.
04:5417.
04:55Amazing.
04:56Well, no, no.
04:57What I wanted to say was...
04:58Well, yes, I suppose it's not a bad tribute, really.
05:00I'd never really thought of that.
05:01But what I wanted to say was, you're the first one ever to invite me to the ceremony and I'm...
05:06Well, I'm...
05:07Eric.
05:08Oh, I won't wash for a month.
05:11No, I've checked everything at the hotel, Mr. Ellsworth Smythe, and it's all well...
05:15Tickety-boo.
05:16Amazing.
05:17You've taken the very words out of my mouth.
05:19You must be psychic.
05:20Oh, but you're one in a million, Mrs. Rita.
05:24You've seen through the barman to the human being underneath and...
05:28Well, I'll never, never forget that.
05:31I swore us to secrecy, Ma.
05:51Well, quite a coincidence, Ted.
05:54No, not a coincidence, Rita.
05:56So what's the big idea, then?
05:58Sabotage our wedding day?
05:59No, no, no.
06:00Of course not.
06:01Absolutely not.
06:02Would I do a thing like that?
06:03No.
06:04No, I would not.
06:05No.
06:06Look over there.
06:07Four.
06:08They're all Sandras.
06:09There'll be even more at the reception.
06:10How many have I been able to rustle up?
06:12Look.
06:13Five.
06:14I'm a social outcast.
06:15Please, Ted.
06:16I don't want to cry on my wedding day.
06:17No, but I mean, could I formally invite my ex-wife and her fiancé?
06:21Could I formally invite my...
06:22Your ex-lover?
06:24Please, Rita.
06:25Not today.
06:26Today I want to be a day of reconciliation all round.
06:28Do you?
06:29Yes, I do.
06:30That's why I thought if I bumped into you here, I could say, please pop into our reception.
06:37Well, strangely enough, Ted, Rita and I both decided to go to our reception.
06:41Yeah, but I know that's the whole point.
06:43They're in the same hotel.
06:45You what, Ted?
06:46Yes, yeah.
06:47You see, you're in the Sir Leonard Hutton room and we're in the Geoffrey Boycott room.
06:51Which is much smaller and the service is very slow.
06:54So we won't upstage you.
06:56No, I've asked the others to pop in for half an hour and have a drink.
07:00Rodney and Betty seem quite keen.
07:02So please, come and have a glass of champagne.
07:06Asti Spermanti.
07:07We prefer it.
07:09Well, thank you.
07:10But I mean, it's a bit.
07:13Well, we'll see, shall we?
07:16Oh, please do.
07:17Hey, you look right belting, Mrs Simcox.
07:22You don't look so bad yourself.
07:25Mrs Simcox.
07:27Hello, Mum.
07:28Hello, stranger.
07:30Well, I wasn't sure what sort of a reception you'd give me.
07:33Jelly.
07:34Friendly, of course.
07:35After all, you've twice walked out on Simcox boys.
07:37I applaud that.
07:38Mum.
07:39The only slight cloud being that both times you've left a Simcox boy,
07:42it's been to move in with his brother, but that's a mere detail.
07:45Mum.
07:49Crying?
07:50Yes.
07:51Good.
07:56Hello, Carol.
07:57Jenny's gone back to poor.
07:59Good.
08:01Will you?
08:02Pop in to our reception.
08:04Hurray!
08:05My life's ambition achieved.
08:07The pinnacle climb.
08:09I mean, we'll be going away for good.
08:11Ah, well, now, that is a course for celebration.
08:15In that case, I shall be delighted.
08:21No, Lucinda.
08:22Not yet.
08:23Ah.
08:24Save your ah's, Elvis.
08:25She hasn't ditched me.
08:26No.
08:27No.
08:28No.
08:29She wouldn't.
08:30Ah.
08:31Belt up.
08:32Can't we at least try to be civil today?
08:33Not for me, for your mum and dad.
08:34Oh, all right.
08:35I mean, we don't have to talk if we can avoid it, but if we can't avoid it, and I hope we
08:49can't let's at least try to be coolly polite.
08:52Well, all right.
08:53Thanks.
08:54Thanks!
08:55All right!
08:56Elvis, you've upset Simon and Jenny already, haven't you?
09:01What have you said?
09:02Oh, let's think.
09:03To Simon I said, no, Lucinda.
09:06Then ah, then no, then ah again.
09:09To Jenny I said, oh, all right, well all right and all right.
09:14My word, you're surpassing even your normal level of inarticulacy.
09:18Mum?
09:19Why don't you try total silence?
09:22Britain's first Trappist philosopher.
09:24Mum?
09:25Hey, you upset your mother?
09:27What have you said to her?
09:28Oh, heck, I said Mum and Mum.
09:31Don't speak to your mother like that.
09:32Dad!
09:33Have you upset your father now?
09:35I'm sorry.
09:36But how do you think I feel?
09:39On me wedding day, not turning up to collect me as arranged and not telling me why?
09:43I couldn't.
09:44Look, Mum, I'm here now, and I want to help make this a happy day for you.
09:48I've switched my bleeper off.
09:52My God, greater love hath no man.
09:57Thank you, Elvis.
10:04Rita, Rita, we had no alternative.
10:06He swore us to secrecy.
10:08And for the first time in your lives you kept the secret.
10:11Congratulations.
10:12Oh, don't be like that, Rita.
10:13It's not every day we're invited to two weddings at the same time.
10:16No, how will your system work?
10:18Will one of you get drunk at each reception?
10:20Rita!
10:21Oh, I am sorry.
10:23I shouldn't have said that, not today.
10:25It's just with me previous and seeing Ted and everything, I'm...
10:30We understand.
10:31We believe, don't we, Betty?
10:33Oh, we do, we do, utterly.
10:34Ted's done it for the very best of motives.
10:36A day of reconciliation all round.
10:38If we hadn't believed that we'd never have come, Rita.
10:40We are your friends.
10:41We want to drink to your Ted's health and we want to drink to young Sandra's health.
10:45And to your health and to Geoffrey's health.
10:47Everybody's health.
10:49I think I believe you.
10:52I do believe you.
10:54You really are the very best of friends.
10:58Yes, listen, I'd like to accept Ted's invitation.
11:03Oh, tremendous.
11:04So would I.
11:05Ted, I'd like to accept your invitation and we hope that you'll come to our reception as
11:12well.
11:13Oh, good.
11:14Well, yes, yes, Rita.
11:16You're right.
11:17Let us make this a day of reconciliation all round.
11:20Yeah.
11:21Come on, Geoffrey.
11:27What did they say?
11:28Oh, great news.
11:29They've accepted a day of reconciliation all round.
11:33Mm-hm.
11:34Oh, hello, Simon.
11:35No Lucinda.
11:36What's she done?
11:37Ditched you?
11:38Has she?
11:40She's...
11:41Oh.
11:42There we go, sir.
11:44Just the job.
11:46Tickety-boo.
11:47Oh, dear, we do look long.
11:49Cheer up, sir.
11:50It may never happen.
11:51It has happened, don't it?
11:55Touch of the 83, sir.
11:57Very fine vintage, as I'm sure you will know, being something of a connoisseur.
12:01Well, yes, I think I can say I know my way round a wine list.
12:04Thank you, Eric.
12:05You're a treasurer.
12:06Oh, thank you, sir.
12:07You're a lovely lady not here yet.
12:09Not indisposed, I trust.
12:10Why don't you cut the tittle-tattle and concentrate on doing the job you're paid to do?
12:18I dropped more of the sparkling grape, ladies.
12:21Oh, right.
12:22Thank you very much.
12:23Thank you very much, Eric.
12:24There you go.
12:25Very special champagne for two very special ladies.
12:30Who are, if you'll forgive the play on words, as bubbly as the bubbly.
12:34Oh, dear, excuse me.
12:38It's just she's all churned up about Elvis and Simon.
12:42And Elvis and Paul.
12:45And her mother and Rita.
12:47It was just you being so cheerful, upset her, I think.
12:51Good afternoon, madam.
12:52May I replenish your glass at all?
12:53The funeral's over, Eric.
12:54For goodness sake, cheer up or I'll cry.
12:55Ah.
12:56Ah?
12:57Well, yes.
12:58Um, Geoffrey tells me that you had a little chat with him.
13:00Ah.
13:01He tells me that you regret suggestions made at the...
13:02Funeral, Rita?
13:03My husband's funeral?
13:04It's not something I can't face mentioning.
13:05Although, of course, I don't want to harp on it and cast a cloud of depression over your
13:10joyful day.
13:11That you regret saying that we should end our feud.
13:14Oh, I'd never say it again.
13:15Well, it's just the first time I've done the job.
13:17I'm sorry, but I'm sorry.
13:18No reason you don't want to say it, I'm sorry.
13:20Oh, I'm sorry.
13:21Yes, I'm sorry.
13:22I'm sorry.
13:24I'm sorry.
13:25But I'm sorry.
13:26I'm sorry.
13:27I'm sorry.
13:28Oh, I'm sorry.
13:29I'm sorry.
13:30our feud. oh I must be careful what I say to Geoffrey it'll all come back to you. well we are
13:34married. yes yes I remember the ceremony. I thought the registry office people did their best to make
13:39it seem a happy occasion. Geoffrey also tells me that you don't relish the prospect of intruding
13:46on your marital bliss and amazingly enough I don't. look what I really wanted to say. you mean
13:53all this so far has been small talk? well no look Geoffrey and I are going to wish Ted and Sandra
14:00well and we wondered if you'd find it easier to go to Ted and Sandra's wedding if you came with us.
14:06why should I find it difficult? well you're having with Ted and and it's not being my kind of thing.
14:16why are you frightened of saying it? no it isn't. they're not my kind of people. however I shall put
14:23in an appearance but not tagging along with you either as a sop to your conscience or as a pathetically
14:28lonely figure to remind you of your good fortune. you've taken my brother Rita. cease this charade
14:34that you want me too.
14:40Rita Geoffrey oh great you came you came great great come come in a bit come on and meet uh meet everybody
14:46um uh excuse me everybody everybody everybody just a minute I'd like you very much to uh to meet uh
14:51meet my my uh my my very very good friend Rita um Ellsworth Smythe. Spragge. Rita Spragge.
14:59yes Spragge. Spragge. Spragge. yes uh Spragge and her um healthier uh husband husband Geoffrey.
15:06Geoffrey Spragge. Spragge. yes you have Spragge and I'd like you to meet um well this look this is
15:12Sandra's mum. yeah there she is and Sandra's nan. Sandra's dad. there's the Sandra's brothers here.
15:17look Darren Warren and Dean see and uh who else we oh yeah looks somebody else should be serving you
15:25today. it don't make me inferior don't serve in folk and it's me wedding day and why shouldn't I do
15:31what makes me happy because it's happy day isn't it Rita? oh it is it certainly is.
15:37oh I know give a dog a bad name and the mud sticks. you want Rodney? well you sigh because
15:47Ben Eric saw us he turned away because we have a reputation which is no longer justified but
15:52once one isn't easily on one. no no I sighed because of the young people because I noticed at
15:58the registry office tensions. oh well right well you could not notice. and I thought tensions sadnesses
16:07at a wedding. it's a pity. at a double wedding it's a double pity. and I thought let's go and
16:13pour some of the calming balm of our experience over the stormy waters of their immature emotions.
16:20well if you put it like that. oh Elvis. now Rodney and I we couldn't help noticing. well
16:27you couldn't. not that we're poking our noses in. well we wouldn't. no but you couldn't. and we did.
16:33notice that you and Jenny. that I'm barely speaking to the little cow. yeah. well no no not the little
16:38cow. no but. oh yes. children. make your peace for your mothers. absolutely. especially for
16:47Rita on her wedding day. and for your father Elvis. on his wedding day. quite unusual really isn't it?
16:52both your parents marrying on the same day. i mean when they're not marrying each other. betty.
16:56so how about it? oh why not. maybe Jenny meant it when she said she loved me.
17:04maybe our love could have survived anything except martyrdom. martyrdom? well you can't
17:09resist feeling sorry for people and without paul in prison you were bound to feel sorrier for him
17:12than for me. that is totally untrue Elvis. Elvis didn't mean your love for him wasn't genuine. yes
17:17he did. yes i did. i'm only glad i went back to paul before you exposed simon and lost him his job and
17:22it seems his fiance because if i'd gone back afterwards everyone would have said i'd gone
17:26because you exposed him and i went because i love paul more than ever now after prison which has
17:30matured him. oh it's the suffering matures people syndrome is it? well i've suffered as well you
17:36know being dragged through the emotional mangle by you so i'm just as mature as him so they're fish
17:40face. and you needn't think i'm sorry because i'm glad because it's carol i love. oh um carol love.
17:48look come and try and get these young people to look on the bright side. i am trying to look on the
17:52bright side. i'm trying to forget her. i wish you would. elvis you were friendly with carol once.
17:56why don't you ask her out again? oh no chance. oh but he's just told us. you don't mind do you
18:01elvis. of course you don't. he loves you. but obviously linguistic analysis was not your strong
18:08point in philosophy. you what? words have meanings. love has a meaning. it means love. it doesn't mean
18:16knock about with until somebody cleverer comes along. well nobody cleverer came along. are you saying she's
18:20cleverer than me? no. are you saying i'm stupider than her? no no. you're of identical intellectual
18:27ability. oh what a cop out. right. i don't think it was very clever what you did with my husband carol.
18:33hell's bells jenny nor do i but that was yonks ago. i was an immature kid then.
18:40simon. come and sort these people out. what's wrong? oh relationships. love. life. families.
18:46oh that. well they'll all grow up one day. does that include me? well yes frankly. you pompous
18:53idiot. well spoken for once. i suppose everybody's right sometimes. law of averages. don't start being
18:58sarcastic about my sister you rancid slug. i can defend myself without your support thank you very
19:03much simon. well i'm glad to hear it. i think i'm well out of it. well go then. i will. don't worry.
19:09oh lord. i shouldn't have said that. not today.
19:15carol. i've been thinking. wonders will never cease.
19:21kids. that's the trouble with being mature for your age. all your friends seems a childish.
19:26well. we tried. yes. we were right to try. yes. peacemaker has a hard road to hoe.
19:39very true. oh. let's go give ted our blessing. good idea. we might find easier to get a drink in there.
19:50well it'll be all right in time. he just can't stand crowded rooms. or elvis. yeah well i'm not
19:57surprised. what's he doing going fishing for any road? i mean he's a vegetarian. well he doesn't
20:02catch anything. he just sits bit gravel pits and dreams. he'll be all right in time.
20:10careful. no they're a lovely family. i'm a lucky man. don't they uh aren't they worried?
20:19what about me being much older than i? well yes partly. well i suppose they would have preferred
20:26somebody much younger first. but they've come to appreciate my many qualities. my maturity. my
20:33sincerity. what do you mean partly? i mean aren't they worried because of you? employment prospects.
20:40no. not at all. we've got plans. because of your reputation. my reputation? what on earth are you
20:46talking about? what reputation? well you having been a bit of a... an hour marriage not working. i mean don't
20:54the... well after all she's their only daughter. yes well you and i were very young and that lasted 25
21:01years. par for the course. i was talking about love not golf. sorry i don't want to have a row with
21:07you today but oh ted some of the things you did. yeah well don't you think that we sometimes made
21:14mountains out of molehills? doreen from the friendly building society wasn't a molehill. big bertha
21:21from nuremberg certainly wasn't a molehill. and as for liz well she was a sexual owl. yes yes all
21:28right right all right look that's all in the past. leaving sandra for corinna it's not that long in
21:33the past ted. no well i'm grateful to corinna. no i mean i am. i believe that corinna was sent to show
21:39me the error of my ways. you know for much of my life much of my behavior has been that of a burke.
21:45i've surprised you haven't i? well yeah. i know. difficult to see me as a burke. no i'm surprised
21:51you see yourself as a burke. you are. sorry. well anyway give us a chance. no i mean i do i love sandra.
22:02maybe i never before. i see. no no no i mean of course i mean i loved you.
22:08and it went wrong. and now you love sandra. and it won't go wrong.
22:15well yes because um well oh look at that they've come. danger of meaningful conversation with ted averted.
22:24oh thank you. oh lovely lovely. oh have a glass of champagne.
22:41you're looking more beautiful than ever. nice body pity about the brain. no no no you're looking
22:47more intelligent than ever too. i underestimated you. well i think so. is there really no chance at all?
22:57none. i'm not sure i don't want to remain without a man forever. but even if i ever decide i don't
23:02want to remain without a man i'd be stupid not to look for one who never thought i wasn't good enough
23:06for him. all those negatives. they seem to add up to one in all that's negative. that was the general idea.
23:18the rat must expect to be deserted by the ships he's helped to sink. thank goodness there weren't
23:23three of you. three simcock sons for my daughter to rebel against me by falling in love with. do you
23:28have to be the central figure even in that scenario? very good. that's quite an effective little thrust.
23:34in some ways you're improving. what a pity i shall never forgive you for destroying my son's career.
23:39he destroyed his career. i merely did my duty. to what? justice. truth. phooey. now excuse me. i must go
23:50and disconcert ted. thanks rita. be concerned. it does you credit. you what? i saw you talking to ted.
24:01you're right worried about him. how he'll treat me. whether he'll look for bits on the side like
24:05what he did with you. well i wouldn't have put it quite like that. but look it's none of my business.
24:13no. there's no point. i mean you married the damage. look i don't mean the damage. well i hope i don't
24:21mean the damage. oh look sandra i shouldn't really be saying anything. you can't understand how i can
24:26marry him after he ditched me for that con artist. well no. frankly i can't. ted apologized. and it
24:34were bright beautiful. it really was. and when i thought about it i felt he was sincere.
24:41well i've been so false it opened his eyes to what's real. well that's what i reckon any road.
24:48well i hope you're right.
24:52your jeffrey's a right yell isn't he? i beg your pardon?
24:56are you calling my husband that dear quiet bearded man over there a right yell? yeah because he is.
25:05missy liz you came. yes. liz you have champagne?
25:11oh you do have champagne. i heard a dreadful rumour you only had asty spumante. we do. we call it
25:19champagne. as you very well know. but we like it. what's so funny reta? well you're trying to
25:24disconcert ted and a disconcerted to find you can't disconcert him. and since you bring out the
25:29worst in me i find that funny. sorry. i'll leave you two together so you can discuss all times.
25:41reta's right. if you come here to laugh at us don't bother. we'll be on the reach of ridicule.
25:46how touching. yes. yes. in the peace and tranquillity of my love. i feel no old wounds. no
25:55bitterness. i hope. i mean i do. you will find happiness again soon. a new man you mean? no. well
26:02me. yes. half of me never wants to find another man. half of me understands too late how neville felt
26:08about drain's death. and the other half? screams with loneliness and i can't tell anybody. you just told
26:14me. yes i did. yes. you're cutting a really rather good figure today. it's absurd but you're carrying it
26:20off. i've always admired that. suddenly i remember why i once found you so attractive. thanks for coming.
26:32jeffrey. sandra said you're a i don't know how to say it. a right yell. oh did she? oh that's nice.
26:44well i do feel that he is among our friends and relations. but you've never been even remotely a
26:48right yell with me. of course not. i'm in love with you. but maybe when passion fades in the evening
26:55of our lives my right yellishness will take off. what did you say to them? oh i was telling them
27:02about the peoples i've studied their customs rituals taboos. i told them about the native women who
27:08greet the tourists wearing grass skirts and bare breasts when in the back of their hearts there are
27:12clothes lines hung with t-shirts and jeans. i told them indians who accept american express cards for
27:19uh... shrunken heads. i told them how the advanced world is dragging the primitive world into its
27:25cultures. some see this as a comedy. i see it as a tragedy. but the dividing line between the two is
27:29wafer thin. i'm frightened. oh why my love? why? because i don't know you. then what a voyage of
27:40discovery awaits you. elvis. i'm feeling ashamed. i've just been talking to some of your mum's
27:48counsellor friends who knew your dad and have rather dropped him. but she's made them promise to go and
27:52give him their blessing. you and i should go in there and be nice to each other for your parents' sakes.
27:58yeah you're right. thanks.
28:04excuse me carol. we're burying our differences and going to give ted and sandra our blessing.
28:10smashing. i'll come too. i want to be at peace with every single person in the world.
28:16yeah with the possible exception of simon. oh hello simon. we're going up to see ted and sandra.
28:23you coming? i can't really. i want to be here when lucinda arrives.
28:26she will come. well none of us said anything. you didn't need to. look sod off if you're going.
28:37so what are these plans then ted? you are rita. well you said you had plans. what sort of plans?
28:42it's been at least half an hour ago. i know but it's only just filtered through.
28:49well come on. oh you're not really interested. no not really. but i keep hoping that if i make
28:56the right social noises. one day interest may return. come on ted. what are these plans?
29:04well. ah good. you came. of course we did. hello hi dad. hello mum. hello mum.
29:11cheers. cheers. cheers. just before you came in ted was just bursting to tell us about his and sandra's
29:20plans. weren't you ted? uh yes well. oh what's all this then dad? hmm yeah well uh it's just uh well
29:30we're just opening a catering outlet. a restaurant you mean? well yes you know you know you know um
29:36no not really no. i thought you didn't care what folk thought anymore. i don't. i won't when we get
29:42over there. but i know this crabby lot. they'll all laugh. over there? over where? the a64. the a64?
29:50go on ted. tell them. it's your idea. yeah well uh it's not exactly a restaurant exactly. it's
29:57it's more like a mobile caravanette borrowed off sandra's brother dean. we're going to be selling
30:03snacks from a lay-by on the a64. we'll sell teas and coffees, hot chocolate, bovril soup, soft drinks,
30:11busy and still. or make cakes and scones. yes it's all sandra's department. crisps, buns, sandwiches.
30:18oh what else? we'll be happy. oh yeah that and all. it's gonna be called ted's snacks. yes spelt with an x.
30:29well that's tremendous. uh two ted's snacks spelt with an x. ted's snacks spelt with an x.
30:44you all think it's funny don't you? eh? oh go on. go on laugh. we don't care. don't worry. we'll
30:52make a success of it won't we? i've already got permission off the farmers to put up two ginormous
30:56great big signs. one on a horse chestnut westwards and the other on a beech tree eastwards from the
31:01lay-by saying ted snacks. 800 yards. don't miss it. and they won't. they won't. people will pour in.
31:06it'll be like a license to print money. well breeder i'm surprised at you smirking. liz yes because
31:12she's a snob. ted not today. rodney and betty yes because you're probably half cut. ted? elvis fair enough
31:20cynical little sod. all the youngsters yes that's fair enough too. mock mock mock because it's easier than
31:26thinking. but you rita. you. i never thought you'd go all iron mighty on me. and what about you jeffrey?
31:31what do you think you're doing? renouncing your double barrel calling yourself sprag? i mean you don't
31:35fool me. ted i thought you didn't have a chip anymore. more like a jacket potato. thank you elvis.
31:42we can do without your help for remarks. thank you very much. i just just want to be happy and have
31:47sandra's kids. i mean well she to have mine. oh i'm sorry. yes they are. they are stunned. it's very
31:58touching ted. no it is touching. we never could have them you know. that's why we love other people
32:05so much. well if it's what sandra wants. oh it is. if you're sure. i'm not a women's liver i'm afraid.
32:14i want to be dominated by a masterful older man. i want to dominate a younger woman who wants to be
32:19dominated by a masterful older man. that's it. i mean what you lot want. don't get me wrong. i think
32:25it's great. women should have the right. but it shouldn't be compulsory. there's no cause. no cause
32:32in the whole world more important than the freedom to choose what suits you. if it's legal.
32:37well that's what i reckon any word. darling. darling you've come. well of course i did my darling.
32:51you didn't doubt me did you my darling. oh of course i didn't my darling. you weren't worried i
32:55wouldn't stand by you were you my darling. of course i wasn't my darling. champagne my darling. madam. a touch
33:02of the 83. oh please. there you go tickety poo. you are awfully late though. i know. some urgent business
33:10cropped up and it involved you. me? yes. it's incredibly exciting but i can't tell you in front of it.
33:18where is everyone? yes. where is everybody?
33:32sir madam madam madam madam sir champagne. oh the real stuff. well if you'll excuse me i just have
33:44to go get away from us of course you do. not me. lucinda you came. surely you didn't doubt your
33:53future daughter-in-law. no no though why you should think him worth standing by under the circumstances
33:57amazes me. oh but the circumstances have changed mother. i've just phoned him. i'm seeing him tomorrow
34:02sweetie plump. elvis.
34:09pax. you are? thanks old chum. for what you did. old chum? it's in the bag. i thought it would be.
34:17children please. what's in what bag? i've just been offered a job by a very large go-ahead firm.
34:23what? why? they seem impressed by what i did at trellis trellis open shore and finch. they admire his
34:28go-ahead qualities. what you mean his dishonesty? they call it my initiative. they would. who is this firm?
34:34i'm not a liberty to say yet. well what sort of firm are they? what do they make? well they don't
34:38make anything. they own things. that figures. so elvis thank you for making my career. not breaking it.
34:45yes. thank you elvis. i've never really seen you properly before. you're not irredeemably horrendous
34:52are you? isn't it amazing? simon thought i ditched him. there i was digging up a new career for him.
34:58supporting him morally and practically so that he can support me in the manner to which i could very
35:02rapidly become accustomed. oh you of little faith. i'm only just beginning to realize what a strong
35:10personality lucinda is. isn't it terrific? terrific. well all obstacles to a beautiful friendship are now
35:20removed. oh but i didn't want to get him. you really don't like him do you? no i don't suppose i
35:25do but it isn't that. i mean is he the sort of person who gets on in our society? you'll have to
35:29answer that. you're the investigative journalist. come to dinner on saturday. i'd like to celebrate
35:35simon's job. i'd like to thank you for getting it. i don't think i could face him so soon. oh simon
35:40and lucinda won't be there. no no one else will be there. we'll dine alone. we may find no spark.
35:47we may become friends. even behind. oh don't don't look so shocked. but you're so much older than
35:56you. congratulations. you inherited your father's tact. look at the age difference between ted and
36:02sandra. that's different. he's a man. oh elvis. oh how provincial. but you and i are unattached. i mean
36:11we're nothing to anyone. we're free to explore the possibilities at whatever pace we choose. what do
36:16you say? don't work. you know i was rather afraid you would.
36:28elvis i meant everything i said earlier. the answer's still no. but you also meant it when i said i wanted
36:36to be friends with everyone. so i feel no bitterness. i forgive you.
36:46there it is.
36:51what a nurse. wrong with you? um nothing. nothing. um just that all these women keep kissing me.
36:57lucinda. liz. carol. masses of kisses all for the wrong reason. oh poor old elvis. you looked as sad and
37:05clapped out as a teddy bear that doesn't squeak anymore.
37:09letty. oh dear. can i do anything for you sir? you kisses. i'll clock you one. honestly. young
37:16people today. oh lord. you're right. they're not your sort of people. they're friendly to everyone.
37:27you're only friendly to your sort of people. hello. welcome. come in all of you.
37:32exaggeratedly abusive to show me up and make me angry. well i won't rise to it. very wise. never give
37:38people the satisfaction of knowing that they've succeeded in annoying you. that's what i would say.
37:42do you really? how very boring of you. i'd like to hit that woman. don't give her the satisfaction of
37:49knowing she's succeeded in annoying you. rodney. are you drunk? yes. oh rodney. but you don't need to
37:58be drunk as you only get drunk because of your guilty conscience. because of your chickens. but you
38:03haven't got a guilty conscience any longer. yes i do. i told you at that thing with those roads. i'm a sham.
38:11you'll look for me into sham. oh no. no. no. no. no. that isn't. but how do we know spinach doesn't
38:20suffer? you are rodney. no of course you didn't feel it's got no nervous central system.
38:26nervous spinach. neurotic leaps. paranoid parsnips. oh rodney. are you drunk?
38:34as a rat. but that's all right. because i only get drunk because i'm happy. and because of my larger
38:42than love of life. and because today i have been to four weddings. but you get drunk because you're sad.
38:50and that makes me sad. because when you're sad i don't want you to be sad. because when you're sad you
38:55get all miserable. and when you get all miserable. i get all miserable. i get all miserable. oh patty.
39:08oh rita. is this goodbye? yes dad.
39:13oh rita. oh heck. i failed you. all those years. all those wasted years.
39:31well not entirely wasted. you gave me two sons. but i'll let you down. well.
39:38we had some good times though didn't we? oh yes. i remember a thursday.
39:47oh come on now. i had some happy memories. i had some good laughs. oh yes. yes i suppose we did.
39:57do you remember that time in bannard castle when you slipped on that dog shed?
40:01dead. dead. is that the humorous highlight of your marital memories? no no no. of course it is. no it's not. no.
40:12it was funny though.
40:16ted reed are laughing a lot. yes yes. expiating the past so that they can live with us without bitterness.
40:24no regrets. no regrets. ted simcock the edith pf of the a64.
40:31no but it's great isn't it? oh yes. very touching yes. do you remember that uh
40:39that cocky fellow with the flashy yacht and he was he was standing by that bollard in saint
40:44trepain you remember? with those really short shorts. that's one. and that very pretty
40:48girl went by. and he leaned nonchalantly back and missed his bollard. and he went mace over apex
40:54straight into the harbour. no problem. rita and ted. you don't think they wouldn't would they?
41:03they couldn't. well of course they couldn't. not on then. could they? well i mean i suppose they could.
41:10well yes they could. of course they could. but they wouldn't. would they?
41:16it was that canal holiday. and we were trying to take the kids for that bar. oh. that's right.
41:24yes. and that pompous couple came in behind us didn't they? and she said um she said i remember
41:29she said what did she say? she said oh my god lionel it's absolutely crawling with children.
41:36i know poor paulie nearly died with embarrassment. dear oh dear. well there's still people around
41:44like that. oh yes i'm afraid they very probably are. oh dear well that's absolutely appalling.
41:51absolutely appalling. they're laughing hell of a lot. yes it really is an extremely touching scene.
42:00i'd have thought by now that. they'd have expiated vast areas of the past. yes so should i. i should
42:06have thought that a little farewell peck on the cheek would have been coming up by now.
42:12oh. what a life we could have led if i'd had more sense. oh me too ted. needing to be liked. worrying what
42:23folk thought morning noon and night. me too ted. what a couple we'd have made if we'd have known what we know now.
42:32what a couple we'd have made.
42:34there it is.
42:46yes i'd hardly describe it as a little peck on the cheek. ruddy hell no. oh i say rodney.
42:54better not betty. oh i wouldn't rodney.
43:04no regrets though. you what? well i mean about today. we're not going for second best.
43:16no no no no no no. i mean no way. i mean no. no we aren't. good luck ted. yeah. good luck rita.
43:34oh i'm sorry.
43:40were you worried? daft chuff. were you worried?
43:46no no. i said no, rita.
43:54we'll be off in a minute. liz. if this is going to be yet another appeal for me to treat your home as
43:59my own forget it go on get off i'll be all right i'll stick my claws into some poor unsuspecting
44:08some poor unsuspecting some poor unsuspecting unmarried man unmarried well i broke up your
44:14marriage i don't want to repeat of that disaster disaster you put in chain a series of events
44:20which ended in rita marry me precisely so this is goodbye not goodbye we'd be dead chuffed if you
44:29ever popped in for a cuppa sadly i fear you're going to have to remain dead untraught oh it'll
44:34be right hygienic not like these posh restaurants where you get all the chefs spittle in the soup
44:39our soup will be tinned if you're a bit embarrassed because you once had a bit of a ding dong with ted
44:46don't be there's no need thank you sandra you are making this a perfect farewell you are
44:52liz reminding one why one is so pleased one will never see again the people one will never again
44:56see oh just a minute one will see one because one has forgotten that one will be visiting one's son
45:02no ted you can't offer him a parent's love it's already too late you'll drift apart there'll be
45:10long awkward silences in zoos and burger bars you'll be an embarrassment to him me an embarrassment
45:17to my son when he's at boarding school a dead lawyer to whom i was once married will be less
45:22embarrassing than the live owner of a snack bar in a lay by with whom i once had what your wife so
45:28charmingly described as a bit of a ding dong you mean i should never see him again i really do think
45:39would be best ted
45:46hmm oh
45:50one tiny social point sundra it's hardly worth mentioning but
45:54one does not refer to people like liz as having a bit of a ding dong sorry
46:02no no it's all right you were great you were no you are you are you really are
46:15we're leaving in a jiffy oh good move sounds much more up market than a car we just wanted to say we
46:20have no hard feelings i have no hard feelings at all well several replies spring to mind i'll settle
46:26for why should you precisely it all looks like working out really well for us if only we could
46:32get simon's mother fixed up with some suitable man life would be perfect yes i suppose if she's
46:36lonely she might intrude rather embarrassingly on your yuppie bliss you're determined to be unpleasant
46:42aren't you he doesn't need determination it comes easily to him some suitable man what sort of suitable
46:47man i don't know just someone i'd be happy seeing mother with i suppose
46:53it's almost worth it to see your face you have someone in mind
47:00no no no no come on simon there are some people i want you to meet they could be useful to you
47:06she's so dynamic and strong and organized it's wonderful
47:15hello mum don't say anything jenny what about anything today the present the past the future
47:23me you paul elvis neville the shanty towns of el salvador anything i couldn't stand it
47:29just don't go away mom
47:40right rita we're off right yes ted well if you ever find yourself in the vicinity of the a64
47:47you know you can't miss us you'll see the sign ted snacks it'll either be on the horse chestnut or the
47:53beach tree yes well if ever are we are in the vicinity we'll we'll drop in for a cup and a slice
47:58of sandra's homemade cake won't we darling no rita i don't think i could bear it rita just in case
48:06they weren't happy rita we will be won't be sandra of course we will there you are you see straight
48:13from the horses oh no no rita this is it yes bye-bye bye bye bye bye no no rodney it has to be said
48:29i quite agree i quite agree ladies and gentlemen ladies and gentlemen we have an announcement to
48:39announce oh nick well don't look so alarmed all right in the past we've let the cat out of the bag
48:47and the cats killed a few pigeons coming home to roosts when we've had a many too few oh that's wrong
48:54a few too many it's a minute too many dear just went for once everything seemed oh how can i put it
49:01tickety-boo amazing you're both psychic have you two finished good we have a message for you
49:09all we hope you all live happily ever after we're not taking any bets on it betty
49:39so
49:47so
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