- 4 weeks ago
(Brightened HD copy). Very British comedy-drama series about social life, with British humour, witty dialogue, starring David Jason, Michael Jayston, Gwen Taylor, Paul Chapman, Nicola Pagett, Sarah-Jane Holm, David Thewlis, Tim Wylton, Stephanie Cole, Nigel Hastings, Wayne Foskett. Written by David Nobbs.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00I can't, Corrine. I've got a bit of a do-on.
00:11They're raising money for our theatre by showing films of horse races.
00:17Absolutely. Not me at all.
00:19But Graham Wintergreen, the theatre manager, has invited me.
00:22I'm on the committee of the operatic.
00:25The things we have to suffer for our sense of civic responsibility.
00:30A bit of a do.
00:35A bit of a do.
00:40Smiling faces in public places.
00:44Getting to know the in-laws much better than expected.
00:47A bit of a do.
00:49Invited to a bit of a do.
00:55It's a small town, posh nosh affair.
00:58Best behavior, being aware of others who are doing it too.
01:06Others who are seeing through you.
01:10A bit of a do.
01:11All tickety-poo.
01:17The bride's dimension attracts attention.
01:22A scruffy young groom, moody fires convention.
01:25A bit of a do.
01:27A bit of a do.
01:29Invited to a bit of a do.
01:31A bit of a do.
01:33Do-do-do.
01:42Ted.
01:42Hello.
01:43Oh, hello, Graham.
01:44Yeah, we're sorry to hear about...
01:46Yes, oh, well, yes, thanks.
01:48That's 50p.
01:49Yeah.
01:49there you go sir just the job tickety-boo I'll get that I'm not that broke Ted and
02:09two vodka tonics please two vodka tonics can do no problem here we go you're early
02:14yeah well cheers you I wasn't sure whether I could face coming into a crowded room you
02:18know what I mean Ted nobody will gloat we aren't like that now the sympathy of every
02:22man and woman here tonight sympathy it's worse than gloating is sympathy it's a
02:28bugger is sympathy
02:31I'll keep the change Eric Eric you do me a favor if if my wife if at any stage you think she's had a bit
02:51too much well let's face it she hasn't been known to bless her will you signal to me certainly sir can
02:58do no problem what what sort of signal oh um say raise your right arm eye above your head as if
03:04stretching like so oh such a rheumatism ah shame is Betty not here oh aye we must all help to save our
03:12theater mustn't we be tragic if it goes under tragic absolutely it's a nice little theater isn't it well
03:18we've never actually been oh we should it's very attractive you'd never know it was built on the
03:22site of an abattoir oh how how's Liz I'm the faintest I did oh ah at last hello Ted love
03:34mwah hello Lawrence Betty you look very uh thank you it's my teeth I've decided not to sue you after
03:43all I'd have had to keep them as you left them for months and mumble at everybody so I've had the
03:47bridge redone on the national health half the price and twice as good Betty how's Rita I'm the faintest idea
03:57you haven't seen her oh no you'll see her tonight you will she's coming Neville's giving her a lift
04:03Neville everybody all right congratulations Lawrence oh thank you great Lawrence could I um
04:13now I don't know if this is good news or bad news but I met Liz in town she's coming tonight
04:22ah well she's always been a great aficionado of the boards thank you for warning me Graham
04:29I don't know what Graham had to be so mysterious about it was just to tell me that Liz is coming
04:36tonight good hope you'll be very happy
04:42congratulations I'm a grandfather Jenny's had a little boy oh lovely bless her made eight pounds
04:54ten ounces and they're calling him Thomas she was so sure it was going to be a girl yeah well there
04:59you are that's life um can I get you a drink to celebrate oh well there under the circumstances
05:04there are two vodka tonics thank you under the circumstances you make it sound as if there were
05:11circumstances under which you'd have refused well there are such as if it were Lawrence who'd gone
05:17bankrupt yes well he should have for what he did to me or been struck off or defrocked or whatever
05:22happens to dentists drilled out I expect oh do you know people never fail to surprise me
05:31I'd never have thought Lawrence was the sort of man to remember a baby's weight eight pounds ten
05:36is probably the price of a fillet steak at the majestic this could be a very interesting evening
05:44this could be a marvellous evening marvellous I mean reconciliation between Ted and Rita
05:50between Lawrence and Liz well hardly thought you want Lawrence and Liz to get back together again
05:54oh but I do they deserve each other Ted's still bankrupt though whichever road you look at it
06:00hello hello hello hello how are things in the world of intensive chicken farming very good as long as you're
06:07not an intensive chicken ready good good what are you two having to
06:14what are you two you're planning to put your money on in the first race I don't know I haven't studied the form
06:19yet I don't intend to study the form winning isn't the object of the exercise the object of the exercise
06:24is to give for our theatre absolutely well done but Rita what are you having uh gin and tonic please Neville
06:33Ted's here I know I've seen him I think he'd like a word with you good I look forward to him what he has to
06:39say oh lovely thank you well to Thomas Thomas Thomas he's podgy pink bald and smelly exactly
06:56pardon well I'd never have thought you were a lover of babies I was surprised you remembered his weight
07:02ah well to be honest I might not have but eight pounds ten happens to be the price of a rump steak at
07:06the majestic god their prices have got worse I thought it would have fill it pardon
07:20oh it looks just like you paul mom no I mean like you were at his age what do you mean he'll grow up to
07:27look like paul are you disappointed it's a boy no I'm glad I felt guilty about being so sure it's a girl
07:36I'd hate to burden it with sexist favoritism before it was even born
07:42oh lord what your uncle never wanted children so much
07:48hello
07:52oh hello hello Liz you're dressed to kill who's the victim
07:57jerry oh my word oh he's getting to look just like you did at that age oh hello Tom hello little Tommy
08:10hey I suppose I'm an uncle now it's Thomas and will you keep that smoke away from him
08:15sorry hello Thomas I'm your dad's brother I'm your uncle Elvis that doesn't sound right yes
08:25he's pretty repulsive isn't he oh shut up Elvis your pseudo macho cynicism's a bore
08:30oh Jenny is your brother going to be here I think so why I enjoy insulting him he takes it so seriously
08:36well listen I'll take him upstairs they've got the baby minding service so come on
08:42looky
08:42oh well well well how's my little grandson then eh go look he looks grand
08:54he's great have you seen Rita no I'm well I haven't spoken to her you know what I mean
09:00well you know what can I say you'll have to talk to her sometime dad yeah I was rather hoping that
09:05she'd talk to me you know I think under the circumstance it's up to you to speak to her
09:10yes I know I know but
09:11they're talking about you it wouldn't be embarrassing for you if yours goes up looking
09:19like Ted didn't it please Rita I did love him you know yeah for several months your persistence
09:25does your credit well I'd have thought you'd be pleased I'd left him it makes me very angry
09:30you broke up my marriage and for what the moment he's bankrupt you're off like a shot well that's
09:35unfair is it you shied away from the social disgrace like a terrified horse that is an
09:41exaggeration I stood by him for three and a half weeks after it happened do you want a medal oh it
09:46was an awful time I mean we had no money we couldn't go out millions have to live their old lives like
09:52that yes I've realized how much I admire him well it's a start I suppose Ted didn't make it easy
09:59Rita oh he can be a difficult man oh really thank you for that information I didn't realize that
10:06but then I've only been married to him for 26 years
10:11I want to say one thing Rita please don't blame Ted the whole affair was entirely my fault ladies and
10:20gentlemen ladies and gentlemen please good evening my name's graham wintergreen I'm the manager of the
10:27Theatre Royal the so-called Gem of Slaughterhouse Lane I'll be running the tote we're going to show
10:34you a film of six races all the profits go to the theatre so please bet generously we have a very
10:41special guest here tonight the well-known actor Harvey Wedgwood Harvey starred in our very first
10:46production and he certainly didn't seem like a lamb being led to the slaughter
10:51well he hasn't arrived yet but he's reported to be on his way there'll be a fork supper after the
10:59second race and I'm told that the hotel goulash is never forgotten by those who've experienced it
11:05thank you entirely your fault how dare you insult me by suggesting I spent half my adult life with a
11:14man so pathetic he isn't responsible for his own actions let's not argue in public Rita we're supposed
11:19to be supporting the drama not making it all rather bad form would you say well yes I would what will
11:25people think well yes it's funny I've worried about that all my life now I hardly seem to give a damn
11:31mum will you talk to dad of course I will oh good thanks are you and Doug going to talk to each
11:43other I think that's up to him I'm not going to humiliate myself by making the first move
11:50there's someone I'd like you to meet dad dad this is mum hello Lawrence what a memory you have for names
12:01they're at the post and they're off and going for the lead on the inside that's number one with
12:11number five out in the middle of the track number two charging up now between horses it's number one
12:16number two and number five as they go down the backstretch it's number one in front and there goes
12:21number two up to challenge for the lead number two now on even terms and now going to the front it's
12:26number two in front with number one second number five in white is in the third position number four
12:31in green along the inside fourth that's number eight fifth number six is sixth number seven seventh
12:36and trailing it's number three and as they move around the turn that's number two now getting the lead
12:42number five in white charging up on the outside is now second as number one drops back to be third
12:47number four in fourth position number six is fifth number seven number three is seventh and trailing it's
12:53number eight and as they move around the turn it's number two saving ground with number five
12:58challenging on the outside number five now gaining the lead as they come into the stretch it's number
13:03five in front with number two second number four coming on now to be third number six is fourth
13:09number one is fifth number seven six and now they're coming through the wire and it's number five now
13:14opening up a clear lead with number two second number four on the outside in green and gold is now in
13:20third position and now moving up to be second and as they go under the wire the winner by four
13:24lakes is number five with no second number two well done love i'm supposed to be supporting a
13:33charity not winning i want people like ted who need it to win don't go ted oh i'm only going to the
13:41gents oh what a relief well it will be for me and all if you let me go oh could i have a word
13:48with you in private ted there's a kind of storeroom in the corridor directly opposite the lift see
13:53you there in a minute there you go madam just the job tickety boo thank you eric oh could i ask
14:00you to do me a favor if you notice that rodney's having a bit too much i mean he has been known to
14:05bless him could you give me some sort of signal certainly madam can do no prob but uh what sort
14:11of signal well uh well if you could just raise your right arm as though flexing it dear i'm afraid
14:17it'll have to be my left arm why pull me shoulder now elvis how's our philosophy graduate enjoying life
14:26amongst the frozen poultry if you were my brother's wife's brother i'd make my highly desirable manual
14:33extremity extremely convenient for your spacious breathing and blowing organ pardon a punch on the
14:40nose i was using estate agent ease this is a false image of our profession elvis oh yeah i went to
14:46look at that place in power station lane yesterday you said plenty of scope for improvement
14:51you meant it's falling down you said totally secluded gardener you meant the cooling towers
14:57block off the sun completely lies simon lies not lies elvis sensible rearrangement of the
15:03truth i see well if you continue to make fun of me you snobbish supercilious dark suited
15:11light-minded over-privileged under-educated overpaid underling i shall make a sensible rearrangement
15:16of your face building the family friendship great
15:24oh we can't talk here there's a star room in the corridor directly opposite the lid meet me there in a
15:33couple of minutes
15:40rodney oh this is all about i'd like to give you my winnings so you're somewhere to bet with i didn't
15:46want folks to see i don't want your charity i'm a yorkshireman it isn't charity ted it's lifelong
15:52friendship look there's no use pretending you haven't gone bankrupt i haven't i've gone into
15:56voluntary liquidation it isn't bankruptcy isn't voluntary liquidation you've got cash problems as
16:01of now though i mean it is skint and you know you'd help me out if i went back into voluntary
16:05liquidation of course but you haven't have you i mean you're taking stuff on you even took our
16:09elvis on yeah you weren't too pleased either well no i mean it rubbed it in a bit that i couldn't didn't
16:13it i didn't take all this on to rub anything in ted i took him on out of family friendship
16:17my business isn't doing too well either by the way hmm don't tell me you soon you'll be going
16:22um into voluntary liquidation well i'm not saying i will i'm saying i could well that's a bit irresponsible
16:26taking our elvis on there won't it well i have to take on staff to create the confidence of the
16:31crisis that might cause me to sack them if i hadn't taken them on no i don't want your money do
16:37i think so that bad isn't my money it's my winnings he said you'd help me if i got into trouble i'm just
16:41paying you back for your kindness tip a tat only i'm doing it in advance so tap for tits i don't want
16:45it rodney rodney i'm telling you sorry am i interrupting something no no absolutely nothing
16:53we we we we've got to just uh just leaving yeah oh there you are paul
17:05oh cheers cheers so you at least are still prepared to talk to me an idea
17:16i'm not wildly popular just now the same people who were furious with me for going to live with ted
17:21are even more furious with me for leaving it my dear liz it's always a joy to talk to you
17:25now i must take rita her drink you're being very attentive to her i've had her on my conscience
17:32what it's very embarrassing she keeps trying to cheer me up tells me i'll get over it time is a great
17:39healer that sort of rot what she doesn't seem to realize is i want to hang on to my grief because
17:44it's the only thing of jane i have left i've been inexcusably rude to read several times jane was
17:50very upset i beg your pardon oh lord i'm not going mad liz i know jane's dead but she comes to me in
17:58dreams and she seems so real she ticked me off last week for being so rude to rita jane lays great
18:06store laid great store by manners i'm being very charming to rita for jane's sake rita does have a
18:13point what you must try and live in the present why don't you shut up what do you know about what it's like
18:25ah i'm harvey wedgwood the actor i'm neville badger the solicitor
18:32ah i know you don't i very positive yes you've just taken over the off license in frog lane haven't
18:39you i'm harvey wedgwood the actor oh good lord i'm sorry please it's such a bore being constantly
18:47recognized now tell me about yourself you are who oh it's just ted simcock and what do you do for a
18:52crust ted simcock well i used to have a little foundry but uh i've gone into voluntary liquidation
18:59i once played it bankrupt the critics said i was too cheerful they always do but i believe in looking
19:04on the bright side i what's wrong with that ted i want you to meet a lady i was lucky enough to be
19:09introduced to tonight liz rodenhurst ted simcock oh you do ow you're hurting good now you know how
19:19it feels to be squeezed through a mangle i get the impression you two know each other inside out
19:27well do excuse me uncle harvey must go and place his bet on the next race eh
19:34well what does it feel like to be back in the world of comfort and respectability
19:38you didn't exactly make it easy for me to stay you didn't exactly make it easy for me to make
19:43it easy for you to stay
19:46has lawrence looking forward to bringing up my baby i haven't seen it i must say to her i admire your
19:53courage in coming not half as much as i admire yours you're saying far worse things about you now about me
20:04i don't want to arouse suspicion oh is that why you suggested meeting in the store i didn't know
20:18my dad had been there i'm a happily married man cole i don't want to destroy that you should have
20:24thought of that before you yes i know i know but my wife needn't know need she i don't even know your
20:29wife yeah well she's here tonight so if you could avoid no desire to meet her
20:35i didn't mean to do what i did i was
20:40i just had a son i was exalted you were as exalted as a newt
20:47well you were pretty exalted yourself oh carol you're lovely and it was lovely
20:59and i wish it hadn't happened but it has happened i know i know look carol can we just please say
21:04goodbye sorry thank you very much part as good friends and if we ever meet again just
21:08just pretend that we don't know each other
21:15can you give me one good reason why i should agree
21:22well no
21:27oh now you are you rita rita what a lovely name thank you you're at harvey wedgwood aren't you
21:36last my anonymity is shattered but let's not talk about me actors are so boring our job is to
21:42observe to listen now tell me about yourself oh i'm just a very ordinary woman rita nobody is
21:49ordinary don't sell yourself short my agent used to say to me harvey never sell yourself short
21:54always remember you're a genius i saw you in dance of death at jewsbury oh really yes i i i
22:00thought i was rather good in that i brought out an optimistic side which is usually sadly lacking in
22:05strindberg but let's not talk about me now tell me about yourself your your fears your hopes your
22:10dreams what did you dream about last night hey you spill the beans to uncle harvey well last night
22:17actually it's a bit silly really i dreamt i was a rabbit that sounds like one for clement freud rather
22:25than sigmund rita rita i want you to meet a very good friend of mine ted simcoff ted meet rita who
22:32dreams she's a rabbit i'm afraid i didn't catch our other name simcoff yeah what exactly what what you
22:41you mean precisely but i thought that ted and then absolutely ah
22:50rita we must have a serious talk my friends take a leaf out of uncle harvey's book a look on the
22:56bright side they forgive and forget hmm enough said exit harvey went with tactfully stage left
23:03i don't know why don't you sit down and i'll get your drink
23:12mr wedgwood aren't you oh please call me harvey and you are
23:17lawrence i saw you're othello in lee's yeah oh well never mind about that what do you do
23:23lawrence eh me i'm a dentist christmas absolutely right beg your pardon who are you being a dentist well
23:30done the great casting director in the sky it would be selfish of me not to ask what you thought about
23:37my othello well i thought the critics were unnecessarily cruel i never read the critics
23:43i mean if the daily telegraph wants to say i showed all the passion of a man who has just discovered
23:48that desdemona has bought some rather expensive curtain material let them i mean what what do they
23:52know can they act look the public has paid good money they don't want to go home feeling depressed
23:58right let's talk about you now tell me about your your fears your dreams what did you dream about
24:03last night well it's stupid but i i dreamt i was welsh oh my god a nightmare eh no that's not fair
24:11just just because they booed my pair again to the portal but lawrence i want you to meet a very
24:16particular friend of mine the very ravishing and deliciously naughty liz rothenhurst liz you of the
24:23wonderfully wandering eyes meet lawrence the dreaming dentist i'm afraid i didn't get your
24:27other name rodenhurst oh my god precisely liz isn't it about time we had a serious chat about things
24:36i i'm so sorry one one picks up the conversational style of the place exit harvey wedgwood stage left in
24:44utter confusion shall we talk if you like
24:55so where are you living i've rented a very cheap and thoroughly nasty flat my heart bleeds for you
25:05sorry to hear about your mother it's better than lingering sorry i was away when it happened make it
25:12sound as if you've gone for a weekend break at morecam how this icy silence takes me back it's
25:22called companionship of marriage what is there to talk about after all we know each other's views on
25:27everything my views may have changed i have been in a different world i imagine that was part of the
25:34attraction but you didn't like that world quite so much when you were in it well i've got a job rita
25:41well there's no need to sound so amazed oh i'm thrilled what a turnaround everyone in the family's
25:47working except me terrific it's only secretarial it's for a finance company oh naturally nobody's
25:54making anything around here except money ladies and gentlemen ladies and gentlemen people have
26:00very generously bought horses in five of the races but for the next race we're going to auction the
26:05horses here tonight that i never do things the obvious way so i'm going to take the horses in reverse
26:15order now we'll start me off with horse number seven 50 pounds thank you sir any advance on 50 pounds
26:25sold to mr rodney silly toe managing director of cockadoodle chickens
26:33would you like to name your horse sir oh uh could i call it beautiful betty oh
26:38oh dear lovely man oh bless you horse number six
26:44go on don't be mean for once god this is so undignified 20 pounds 20 pounds 50p
26:56rita i can't afford it push him go on don't let them beat you 21 pounds 21.50 rita
27:06lawrence they're making us a laughing stock 22 pounds 22.50 rita she'll make him go on and it'll
27:18mortify him and if he stops it'll mortify her don't let them get it just for once win sir with you 23 pounds
27:28Thank you, sir.
27:29£23.50.
27:30Sir?
27:32£24.00.
27:34Thank you, sir.
27:35£24.50.
27:37Sir?
27:38Nice round, £25.
27:42Salter me to Simcoe for £24.50.
27:45Oh, dear.
27:50Go on, give me a name for it.
27:53Well, what about Tremendous Ted?
27:57You must be joking.
28:00No, me, no.
28:00It's a gesture of reconciliation.
28:04I'd like to call it Karl Marx.
28:07Rita.
28:09Well, stir him up a bit.
28:16Come on, Karl.
28:18You're off.
28:19And that's number eight on the outside.
28:21Going for the lead with number one charging up around the rail.
28:24Number five between horses.
28:25Number three is four.
28:26Number seven, fifth.
28:28Number two on the inside, sixth.
28:29Number four is seventh.
28:31And trailing, it's number six.
28:32And as they move along the back stretch, that's number five between horses.
28:36Now taking the lead by a head.
28:38Number one along the rail in red is second.
28:40That's number eight on the outside, third.
28:42Then a gap of three lengths.
28:43After that is number three in fourth position.
28:45Number two is fifth.
28:46Number seven is sixth.
28:47Number four is seventh.
28:48And trailing, it's number six.
28:50Moving around the turn.
28:51And it's number five, number eight, with number seven on the street outside.
28:54Number one moving into a contending position.
28:57And as they come through the stretch, it's number seven now gaining the lead.
29:01Number seven in front with number five second.
29:04And tiring somewhat.
29:05Number five is in third position.
29:07Number four is fourth.
29:08And now they're driving to the wire.
29:10And it's number seven, number one, number five.
29:12And here comes number four and number two.
29:13And it's a blanket finish, a photo finish for first position between number seven and number four.
29:19And there you see the photograph.
29:20The winner by a nose was number seven, number four was second, and number two, third.
29:25It's official.
29:31I didn't want to win.
29:32It isn't the point.
29:37I'm sorry, Rita.
29:39I'll never stray again.
29:41You seem to assume I'm having your back.
29:45Rita.
29:46You wouldn't expect me to have your back after what you've done without making you beg for forgiveness, now would you?
29:52No, I suppose not.
29:56It just isn't me, isn't begging.
30:01I'm very sorry, Rita.
30:04I've been a fool.
30:06When I saw her for what she was...
30:07No, would you have ever seen her for what she was if you hadn't gone bankrupt?
30:10Voluntary liquidation.
30:11If you were still in business, you'd still be with her.
30:14No, I wouldn't, love.
30:15Honestly, I mean, I've long since realised what a fool I've been.
30:18I mean, I had, love.
30:20Honestly.
30:24So, well, I've begged.
30:29Will you take me back?
30:31My love?
30:32No.
30:35You what?
30:38Ladies and gentlemen, the Forks Supper is now served.
30:42Rita, where are you going?
30:43I'm hungry.
30:44Sit down.
30:46What's got into you?
30:48Life.
30:48You what?
30:49In the last few months, I've lost both my parents and my husband.
30:53I had to learn to stand on me own feet.
30:55You didn't have lost me, my love.
30:57Oh, I've lost you, whether or not you come back.
31:00Ted, I've changed.
31:02I've gained confidence.
31:04You mean on your own, without me?
31:06Yes.
31:07I'm sorry.
31:09You just don't understand it.
31:10Oh, it's simple.
31:12When you step out of the shadows, you feel the sunshine.
31:16Rita, I haven't failed, you know.
31:17No, I'm moving laterally into design, you know,
31:20toasting forks, door knockers, things I know.
31:22I'm not not having you back because you failed, Ted.
31:27Are you saying you'd rather be on your own than with me?
31:31Those aren't the only alternatives.
31:33Oh, come on, Rita.
31:35I mean, come on.
31:36Who'd look at me?
31:37Is that what you were going to say?
31:38No, no, love.
31:38No, no, honestly, it's just that
31:40well, you're not young anymore.
31:43I mean, you aren't, are you?
31:44And I mean, well, without being rude,
31:48I mean, who'd have you that's worth having, I mean?
31:52Neffle.
31:53And now I'm going to get some of that goulash.
31:56Neffle.
32:00You know, the younger of the Kirkstall girls,
32:03the one we sometimes think isn't quite right.
32:06She came in last week.
32:07She'd had an abscess for eight days,
32:10and nobody had done a thing about it.
32:12Eight days.
32:16Much as I admire your gift for storytelling, Lawrence,
32:18um, can I go and get my fork supper?
32:20Well, no, please, I'm sorry.
32:22I was just making small talk to, uh,
32:25well, it's my halting, clumsy way of saying
32:30what for some reason I find very difficult to say.
32:32Well, I am prepared to forgive and forget.
32:37I believe you could forgive, too.
32:40I don't deserve it.
32:42But forget?
32:43How could you?
32:43This is a baby.
32:44It'll bring us together again.
32:46It'll breathe new life into our marriage.
32:48But it isn't yours.
32:51We're talking about a human being.
32:54The idea of possessing it seems to me to be terribly wrong.
32:58Yes, but not only is it not yours,
32:59but you know whose it is.
33:00That is a bit more serious, I admit, but...
33:05You hate Ted.
33:07He drove all the way to the municipal dump
33:09to throw away his companion, sir.
33:10Because it was falling to bits.
33:12Not because it was his.
33:13The tongs were bent,
33:15the brush head came off,
33:16the poker kept unscrewing,
33:18and that shovel buckled
33:19if you put a lump of coal larger than a plover's egg on it.
33:22That's an example of his produce.
33:23I'm not surprised he went into voluntary liquidation.
33:26Bankrupt?
33:27And you hate him.
33:28I mean, supposing our child's a boy and looks like him.
33:30Supposing it's a girl and he looks like him.
33:35It could be a challenge.
33:37I need a challenge, Liz.
33:38In the current jargon,
33:39I need to be stretched as a human being.
33:43Oh, Lawrence.
33:44Liz, please, I'm serious.
33:46I don't think I can stand living in that empty great house.
33:50Oh, Lawrence.
33:52It's not really any wonder I went off, is it?
33:54That cry came from the heart
33:56and there wasn't a mention of me in it.
33:59Oh, Lawrence.
34:00Move, Madam T. Great House, into a little service flat.
34:05Join clubs.
34:07Go to lounge bars.
34:08Expand your practice.
34:10Play golf.
34:11Be happy.
34:14Without me.
34:16Liz.
34:16Oh, you're a natural bachelor.
34:18Accept it at last.
34:21It's better for both of us.
34:24This really is final.
34:27Fred, so...
34:28There's somebody else.
34:30Already?
34:31I'm sorry.
34:34There's no reason why you should believe me,
34:35but this is serious.
34:38It's the real thing.
34:39And who is this somebody who's serious and the real thing?
34:48Level.
34:51I'm going to get some of that forks up.
34:53I'm going to be sure that I'm in front of you.
34:56They're moving up very strongly, now fourth.
34:59As they come around the stretch turn,
35:01it's number three still in front,
35:02and number two charging up on the outside,
35:05now in second position.
35:06Number eight is third.
35:07That's number four in fourth position.
35:09Number five is fifth,
35:11and now they're coming through the stretch,
35:12and that's number two now hitting the lead.
35:14It's number two in front,
35:15and here comes number four on the outside.
35:17Number one moving up strongly.
35:19As they come to the ball,
35:20number two in front by two and a half lengths with number four second and number one along
35:25the inside third there you see the order of finish it's official
35:33ladies and gentlemen the winner of the last race was number two
35:36so for the last time tonight it's payout time for the lucky winners
35:43congratulations mr sillito what an evening you've had i didn't want to win simon i wanted to give
35:49oh but you do give mr sillito you'll be giving new jobs to the community when we find those new
35:53premises for you new premises are you moving expanding i'm handling it personally mr sillito
36:00is my first big client simon sorry was it a secret it was yes only from me simon clearly i wasn't
36:10supposed to know you think i can't face the truth because you think i'm a failure sorry take my advice
36:17simon don't have friends more trouble than they're worth
36:29hello paul here it's double claws for celebration you've landed a job yes he's a municipal highways
36:37operative really jolly good well done um what exactly is a municipal highways operating it's estate
36:48agencies for road sweeper still prepared to be seen talking to them why does everybody think we're
36:53purveyors of untruths that's estate agencies for liars look i know you both think i'm an upper class
36:59twit simon we don't think that we think you're a middle class twit yes well i'd just like to say one
37:05thing i love my little sister but you see your cozy flat our our tiny flat your compact easily
37:13maintained flat is one of the many places to which i've never been invited paul and i thought you
37:19always did your bit for the world's underprivileged shut up i'm sorry simon we will invite you
37:25we will soon i promise go and take that drink to jenny paul before she dies of thirst i'm going to buy
37:31simon a drink good lord
37:38hey paul what were you doing in that storeroom with that girl nothing dad nothing serious
37:45hardly well nothing at all oh i hope not well you're hardly in a position to be giving me moral
37:52advice are you i'm not giving you moral advice i'm giving you practical advice bad news women
37:57i don't know they're fickle and we're as solid as rocks are we oh men are different we're different
38:05we are when women play around the fickle bitches when men play around the men of the world that's
38:09rock bottom male chauvinist hypocrisy daddy hey look whose side are you on women's jenny's
38:15well you're funny way of showing well don't you think i don't know that
38:18well anyway if you haven't done anything serious it won't worry you that girl's talking to jenny then
38:22right well oh my god oh paul um this is carol fordingbridge she used to be dad's receptionist
38:33hello paul hello kevin well you look as lovely as ever carol absolutely
38:41well i mean not that i know how lovely she looked before but i mean well put it this way if she's gone
38:48off significantly and she must have been absolutely unbelievably fantastic before so so yes yes yeah
38:55i would say on balance that i'd assume that she is as lovely as ever as as as you so rightly say
39:05both thanks
39:09uh hey i hear you've got a little boy oh yes how did you hear that
39:13oh you know how news gets around this town if you burp in the itcliff road flats it's all around
39:19the watley industrial estate by morning so what are you up to these days carol i'm the distribution
39:26manager's secretary at cockadoodle chickens i'm working with your brother
39:31are you all right paul oh yeah yeah yeah i'm great i'm not a folder
39:40not bad food eh no well i've never rated goulash me in my book it's just foreign stew um rodney
39:59i wondered if you'd mind if i borrowed betty for a while i need some advice about reta you know some
40:03woman's advice of course you can oh thank you
40:13i had a word with her i've had a word with her yes i know i saw you well the thing is she says um
40:18she reckons there's another man what so no i know she says it's neville
40:24what what so no no i mean she did come with him didn't she you know i mean well i thought you know
40:31being a woman well couldn't you find out for me if there was anything in it not that there can be
40:36but i mean you know i mean could you
40:38be a woman well not a bad meal was it considering ted ate goulash i enjoyed it reta well
41:00you and neville are very friendly tonight ted's told you what i said hasn't he no
41:13yes well i think it surprised me almost as much as it surprised him when i said to you
41:19what i mean i've been thinking i mean it's been very hard it's been very rude sometimes and then
41:25tonight incredibly charming very attentive well i mean is it that impossible am i that awful
41:32reta of course not well i've been wondering i mean i was thinking maybe he's been so rude
41:40because he resented the fact that he was beginning to find me i can't say it attractive yes
41:48well i mean look at tonight
41:51i mean you see maybe the rudeness was out of a sort of loyalty to his wife's memory
41:56what would he do if he did did what did anything he's a very attractive man reta
42:14well could there possibly be anything in it yes i think they very possibly could
42:25have a little word oh yes of course excuse me you're um well you're a very kind-hearted man
42:37aren't you well known for it well i try to be and your late wife was a very kind-hearted woman
42:42wasn't she very much so yeah well right well i think that you're the sort of man who out of
42:47respect for his late wife's memory for nothing else the sort of man who would never hurt anyone
42:53deliberately i hope i am ted all right and you may think well nobody would get hurt but you'd be wrong
42:59level you'd be very very wrong need i say more yes i think you do need what you mean you haven't
43:09got me drift frankly ted i haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about
43:13there may be we ought to say no more about it about what good man good man yeah well you won't
43:22mention this to anyone will you i couldn't have i tried oh right thanks you all oh thank you
43:29there we are reta i have recently landed a very small part in the new production of hamlet
43:36they seem to think i can bring a bit of much-needed relief to the gloom of elton now i want you to
43:42promise that you'll come and see it and come backstage after oh you'd be horrified if i did if
43:47you even remembered me okay not that right come on please promise all right i promise oh good good
43:56a little kiss for uncle harvey very well it's dan dan the dental man my old friend laurice do you know
44:03my old friend rita well of course you do now listen you two have both been badly bruised why not heal
44:11your wounds together well laurence dreams that he's welsh rita dreams she's a rabbit together you could
44:18dream dream you're welsh rabbits
44:25what an awful man oh i rather like him
44:30oh don't worry laurence i prefer you
44:33what your place or mine pardon for our affair thank you
44:41what for for trying not to look too horrified i was teasing laurence teasing teasing you yes what
44:50can have got into me neville can i have a word well yes of course as a close friend would you think
45:01very hard before embarking on a course of action that would hurt and humiliate me well of course i think
45:06you know what i'm talking about no i don't you don't no you don't know what i'm talking about i
45:12don't know what you're talking about what are you talking about i'm not sure if you don't know what
45:18i'm talking about i'm not sure i know what i'm talking about i'm all right for a lift home am i then
45:22neville i understood that rita you're a breath of sanity in a mad world oh
45:28you couldn't buy any chance give me a lift home absolutely the more the merrier
45:39but my car has broken down it is terribly inconvenient having access to only one car oh
45:45poor dear yes well come on girls
45:54ah can you help me jenny what my chickens live in conditions that would make the average
46:00hiberian labor camp look like a masonic dinner by comparison with oh rodney my chickens never get
46:07a chance to roll up one trouser leg and become chief constables you'll help me let them out this time
46:14won't you i'm sorry well i don't think that's the way to do it i am disappointed in you jenny
46:26how do you feel about doing something really amazing tonight absolutely but with whom with me
46:34you have allowed a popular prejudice against the theater to cloud your judgment oh no not that
46:45eric will you come and help me sorry mr sillito all my chickens have come home to roost and it's time
46:54for them to go and roost somewhere else absolutely mr sillito just the job i'm just a bit busy at the minute
46:59oh no oh rodney i thought you said you couldn't raise your right arm oh dear oh betty are you drunk again
47:11not me not me you come on rodney it's just the one no not just the one or the two or anything
47:29no reconciliation then no nor you
47:32no now we're better off without them lawrence i mean we are please don't try and pretend you've
47:40done me a favor ted well just don't be like that lawrence we're both in the same boat now you and i
47:45mean we are lawrence you know your friends are at times like this don't you were your friends dad yes
47:58definitely i thought you were angry with me but you know what i'd done well we are but i don't think
48:03we expect people to be perfect anymore
48:11good night son
48:13good night dad good night jenny
48:16good night paul
48:41oh my god
48:46good night
Be the first to comment