- 2 weeks ago
(Brightened HD copy). Very British comedy-drama series about social life, with British humour, witty dialogue, starring David Jason, Michael Jayston, Gwen Taylor, Paul Chapman, Nicola Pagett, Sarah-Jane Holm, David Thewlis, Tim Wylton, Stephanie Cole, Nigel Hastings, Wayne Foskett. Written by David Nobbs.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh, what a shame, Millie. We can't.
00:05Well, we've got a bit of a do on.
00:08The opening of Silly Toes, our health food complex in Arbitration Road.
00:13The mayor's coming and all our friends.
00:17Well, yes, of course you are.
00:19I didn't mean all our friends. I meant just the ones that we've been...
00:23Oh, dear.
00:24A bit of a do.
00:31A bit of a do.
00:35Smiling faces in public places
00:39Trying to hide your problems from your friends and relations
00:43A bit of a do.
00:45Invited to a bit of a do.
00:50It's a small-town crush-nosh affair
00:54Best behavior
00:56Being aware
00:58Of others who are doing it, too
01:01Others who are seeing through you
01:05Available to do
01:09All tickety-boo
01:12New dimensions for family tensions
01:17Mentioning the little things that shouldn't be mentioned
01:21A bit of a do.
01:22Bit of a do.
01:24Invited to a bit of a do.
01:28Be-do-do.
01:34Nobody's gonna come, are they?
01:35Perhaps it was a mistake to advertise mystery celebrities.
01:37Yes, if it's somebody really impressive, perhaps you should have said who it is.
01:41Rodney?
01:42Oh, Lord, it's gonna be a flop.
01:44Oh, poor Betty.
01:45I mean, I can take it, but she gets so worked up.
01:46Bless her.
01:47Where is she?
01:48Who's getting worked up?
01:49He is.
01:50I bet she's as cool as a cucumber.
01:52Men.
01:55Nobody's gonna come, are they?
01:57It's gonna be a fiasco.
01:58It's said from 7.30.
02:00It's only 7.36.
02:02Well, I don't mind for myself, but it's Rodney.
02:04It gets so hit up.
02:05Bless him.
02:06Oh!
02:07The apostrophe's wrong.
02:08Still nobody.
02:09It's only 7.37.
02:10Rodney.
02:11Rodney, the apostrophe's wrong.
02:12In silly toes.
02:13There are two of us.
02:14Two silly toes.
02:15So it should be S apostrophe, not apostrophe S.
02:17Shouldn't it?
02:18Oh, Lord, I don't know.
02:20Look, I don't want to be unpatriotic, but I'm not sure the nation understands the apostrophe
02:25anymore.
02:26Oh, incidentally, I shouldn't have done it, I suppose.
02:29Well, I should have told you, but I've invited a friend tonight.
02:31Oh, good.
02:32That'll make six of us.
02:34Who is this friend?
02:35Nobody special.
02:36It's just a man I met in a pub.
02:40He probably won't turn up.
02:41It was all very casual.
02:43Somebody.
02:44Oh, Lord.
02:46Betty, hello.
02:48It all looks wonderful.
02:51Rodney.
02:52Proud day.
02:53Jenny, darling.
02:55Oh, Lord.
02:58I'm sorry, but she's very attached to that Magnolia.
03:01Never.
03:02Sorry.
03:03Don't you think we ought to switch that bell off?
03:08I'll do it.
03:09Good evening, sir.
03:10Good evening, madam.
03:11What is your pleasure?
03:13Alcohol.
03:14But you haven't got any.
03:16What do you recommend, Eric?
03:17I don't know.
03:18There's fruit squash, Bilberry cocktail, homemade kiwi fruit, raspberry and cinnamon punch, though
03:24I can't speak for it personally.
03:27Oh, the silitoes enthuse over the carrot juice.
03:30Apparently last year was a good year for carrots.
03:33It all sounds most intriguing and inventive and original.
03:37Orange juice.
03:38I'll have a go at that punch.
03:40One juice of the orange and one special punch can do no problem.
03:43Here we go.
03:44Tickety-boo.
03:45Can I have a word, mum?
03:46Oh, Lord.
03:47Excuse me, Neville.
03:48Don't you think you're being childish, mum?
03:51No.
03:52Now the children.
03:53Fine.
03:54It isn't Rita's fault, mum.
03:55No.
03:56Little Steffi's cold.
03:57Better, is it?
03:58Much better.
03:59They're both fine.
04:00Can we stick to the point?
04:01The point?
04:02Rita gets elected to the council.
04:03The council then plumped for the outer inner relief ring road.
04:05And lo and behold, what a surprise.
04:07The root lops a great lump off our garden, destroying 18 rose bushes and the magnolia.
04:12That is the point, Jenny.
04:13All over the world, people are losing everything they possess in earthquakes, floods, hurricanes,
04:18avalanches, billions.
04:19Never even possess anything to lose in the first place.
04:21I know.
04:22And I'm sorry for them and appalled.
04:25But I can only live my life, not the rest of the world's.
04:28And heaven forbid that anyone should accuse me of being parochial.
04:31But that is a magnificent magnolia.
04:34Rita has done this deliberately, Jenny.
04:36And I will not speak to any member of the Simcox family.
04:39And I would urge you not to either.
04:41You must be thrilled I split up with Paul, then.
04:44No, of course not.
04:46Children need their father.
04:48I'm very sad.
04:50However, yes, it is true that out of all this sorryness,
04:52the one consolation I can find is that you are no longer in intimate association with the Simcox.
04:57Oh, Jenny.
04:59Oh, I do hope you find somebody else soon.
05:02Somebody nice.
05:03Somebody of your own class.
05:07Oh, yes.
05:08Because I'm not ashamed of being a snob.
05:10Well, come in.
05:12Good evening.
05:13Hello.
05:14Hello.
05:15Hello.
05:16Oh, Lord.
05:18Hello, Rodney.
05:20No hard feelings.
05:21It's none of your doing, Betty.
05:22I realise that.
05:23Oh, Lord.
05:24Oh, hello, you worshipful nurses.
05:25Ted.
05:26I've no wish to speak to you, Rita.
05:27Oh, Ted.
05:28I do hate to see you letting yourself down by being small minded in public.
05:29Why should you care?
05:30I know.
05:31I know.
05:32It's silly, isn't it?
05:33But I do.
05:34Maybe I still have some shreds of affection for you.
05:36Some memories of happier times.
05:37Is Corinna all right?
05:38Yes.
05:39I do hate to see you letting yourself down by being small minded in public.
05:42Why should you care?
05:43I know.
05:44It's silly, isn't it?
05:45But I do.
05:46Maybe I still have some shreds of affection for you.
05:49Some memories of happier times.
05:50Is Corinna all right?
05:52Yes.
05:53As late as usual.
05:55She was 12 days late coming into the world.
05:57She's never quite caught up with herself.
05:59I mean, what do you expect, Rita?
06:01Eh?
06:02I mean, you get yourself elected to the council and then you're pushed through a route for the
06:06outer inner relief ring road which means the demolition of your ex-husband's restaurant
06:11but leaves intact the next door property which just happens to be a crank vegetarian centre
06:16owned by his one-time best friend who's your employer.
06:20I mean, in my book that is tantamount to municipal corruption.
06:24When I took the job I didn't know the exact route.
06:27I've got no power to influence the exact route.
06:29I've done nothing wrong.
06:31Look, I'm sorry about Chez-Edouard but you'll get compensation.
06:34Are you sure?
06:35Oh, yes, of course.
06:36Well, Corinna will.
06:37The property's in her name but it mounts to the same thing.
06:40But it's nothing like we'd get on the open market.
06:42I mean, it's daylight robbery.
06:44It's democracy, Ted.
06:46We can't throw taxpayers' money around willy-nilly.
06:49You're politicians!
06:51When you're not spending, you're saving the taxpayers' money.
06:55When you do spend, you're giving away your money.
06:57I mean, you're hypocrites.
06:58I mean, you are.
06:59It's the will of the people, Ted.
07:01Well, it's the will of the four people who gave me a majority and a 19.2% turnout.
07:05Look!
07:06Don't you think I'm embarrassed that my first influence on world politics loses you, you restaurant,
07:11and Liz and Neville 18 rose bushes and a magnolia?
07:15You what?
07:16Well, the new route lops the end of their garden off.
07:20Liz isn't speaking to me.
07:23God.
07:24Well, how petty can you get?
07:26How small-minded some of these snobbish types can be.
07:28Who's being hypocritical now?
07:30Who are?
07:31Well, you weren't going to speak to me.
07:34That's different, Rita.
07:36No, I mean, it is.
07:38I mean, come on, what?
07:3918 rose bushes and a magnolia is hardly concomitant to a temple of gastronomy,
07:44as recommended by Egon Roney, I mean, is it?
07:47As recommended by Egon Roney?
07:50It never even opened.
07:51Ah, well, would have been with our cuisine.
07:55Oh, here comes Corinne, all right, I'll be polite to you.
07:58But only so as not to show myself up in front of her, which I won't.
08:02Oh, hello, my petal.
08:03Hello, darling.
08:04Hello, darling.
08:05Hello.
08:06Just chatting to dear old Rita.
08:08There's no point in being petty.
08:10Oh, absolutely not.
08:11Neither of us blame you personally, Rita.
08:13Goodbye, Rita.
08:18Evening, sir.
08:19Good evening, madam.
08:20What can I do with you for?
08:22All right, ray of sunshine tonight, Eric.
08:25It just isn't me, isn't carrot juice.
08:32Oh, hello, Carol.
08:34Elvis not with you.
08:35Oh, he's hardly likely to be.
08:37We've split up.
08:38Oh, Carol, I'm sorry, but no idea.
08:44Where have you been?
08:45Just checking the buffet.
08:46Everything's fine.
08:47Hello, Carol.
08:48Hello.
08:49Mmm.
08:50Elvis not with you.
08:51Rodney, tacked.
08:52What?
08:53They've split up.
08:54Holy Lord, I had no idea.
08:55I thought I'd come any road.
08:57Why should I have to skulk around?
08:59Oh, absolutely.
09:00You skulking, it's a contradiction in terms.
09:03I've, er...
09:04Oh, well, thanks.
09:05I've, er...
09:06Well, I don't suppose I should have done, but...
09:09I've invited a friend.
09:10Good.
09:11Why not?
09:12The more the merrier.
09:13He may not come.
09:14But he'd been vegetarian and non-alcoholic.
09:16Oh, I shouldn't have said that.
09:18Not today.
09:19But I thought no harm in letting Elvis see I've got other nuts to fry.
09:24You what?
09:25I'd have said other fish to fry, but you're vegetarian.
09:27Oh!
09:28Very good, Carol.
09:30Very true.
09:31Why, Elvis, you think you aren't clever enough for him?
09:34It's beyond me.
09:35Don't they?
09:36Well, I'll go and get a drink.
09:42Carol, are you here?
09:43Oh, that's an incredibly interesting question, Elvis.
09:46What?
09:47A solipsist might say we could never know, because I might only exist in your imagination.
09:52I know that's not true, of course.
09:54But I don't know that you don't only exist in my imagination.
09:58You are.
09:59Because I'm not clever enough for you.
10:01Before we split up, not knowing we were going to split up, I got these philosophy books
10:06out of the mobile library, so I might be able to hold my own with you when he came out
10:09with incredibly intelligent questions like, Carol, are you here?
10:13I've got a question for you now.
10:15It's not exactly philosophical, exactly.
10:18Well, I suppose it is sort of.
10:20Fine.
10:21Well, fire away.
10:22I'll do my best.
10:23Oh, OK.
10:24It's this.
10:25Why don't you get stuffed?
10:27Hello, Neville.
10:28Have you ever had the feeling that it isn't your day?
10:42What's wrong?
10:43Well, nobody seems to be exactly pleased to see me.
10:46I'm very pleased to see you.
10:48Oh, well, I'm very pleased to see you as well.
10:51Well, who wasn't pleased?
10:54Well, Carol, obviously.
10:55And Neville just ignored me.
10:57Mum's instigating a feud between the Rotenhurst and the Simcox because of the ring road.
11:01Oh, I see.
11:02Hello.
11:03Carmen!
11:04Oh, coming, Mother.
11:05I'll talk with you in a moment.
11:07I wouldn't bet on it.
11:09Oh, he will.
11:10I mean, I know he sometimes seems a bit of a twit.
11:13It's a pity he's an estate agent, of course, but he'd never deliberately do anything to hurt
11:17me.
11:18Why would his not speaking to me hurt you?
11:21Because I think I'm falling in love with you.
11:24Jenny.
11:27Good evening and welcome to Soto's.
11:30Thank you so much for coming.
11:31Good evening.
11:32I hope we haven't invited too many.
11:34A minute ago, you were worrying nobody would come.
11:37I know.
11:38These silly things.
11:39Nerves.
11:40Where have you been?
11:41Oh, just checking the buffet.
11:43I just checked it.
11:44Well, I was just checking it to make sure you checked it thoroughly enough.
11:46Oh, look.
11:47People are streaming in.
11:49It's a success.
11:50It's incredible, isn't it?
11:51I mean, not, not, not, not that.
11:53Rita, will you make a little speech about the raffle?
11:55Me?
11:56Well, it was your idea.
11:57Oh, Lord.
11:58Rita, you do on the council.
12:00And you made a wonderful speech at your wedding.
12:02I mean, your non-wedding.
12:03Yes, it was very appropriate, Rita.
12:05Everyone said how appropriate it was.
12:07Well, thank you, but I mean, this is different.
12:10It's still there, you know.
12:12I mean, sometimes I feel confident for minutes on end and then back it comes.
12:15Back what comes, Rita?
12:16Oh, my life.
12:18All those long years of feeling inadequate.
12:20You don't lose it.
12:21You never lose it, you know.
12:22You just fight it.
12:23Don't worry.
12:24I'll make the speech.
12:25Hello, Betty.
12:26Hello, Rodney.
12:27Hello, Simon.
12:28Congratulations.
12:29Great night.
12:30Excuse me.
12:31It's embarrassing.
12:32I'm not allowed to talk to her.
12:33Look, come.
12:34I've been a bit naughty.
12:35Congratulations.
12:36Do we know her?
12:37No, you.
12:38I don't think you do, no.
12:39What?
12:40Know her.
12:41I've met this friend.
12:42Well, she wasn't a friend when I met her.
12:43She couldn't have been.
12:44I'd never met her.
12:45But then I did.
12:46And you were naughty.
12:47Betty.
12:48Oh, no, no.
12:49Not naughty in that.
12:50Well, not yet.
12:51No.
12:52What was naughty was I invited her tonight.
12:53I mean, I shouldn't have done it so full.
12:54But then I never dreamt...
12:55She might not come, of course.
12:56Probably won't, it being me.
12:57Well, we're delighted you did, and we hope she does.
12:58Thanks.
12:59What sort of girl would fall for Simon?
13:02She's also living in it all.
13:05Hope you are.
13:06You're a maid.
13:08I certainly don't need to be a child.
13:09Maybe you'll never want to get his wife.
13:10Oh, why don't you say now?
13:11Why don't you say?
13:12Well, what is naughty was I invited her tonight.
13:17I mean, I shouldn't have done it so full but then I never dreamt...
13:20She might not come, of course.
13:22Probably won't, it being me.
13:24Well, we're delighted you did and we hope she does.
13:27Simon. Short-sighted estate agent. I thought I ought to mention it. I've been a bit naughty.
13:36Mail off email. What? The person you've invited. Did you guess? Well, there seemed to be about
13:42400 uninvited guests expected. Oh, Lord. Well, I mean, I never, I never dreamt. So many people
13:49would come. It's all right. Neither did we. Mail. What? He's a he. My brother. Brother? I never
13:56knew you had a brother. Oh, yes. Elder brother. He's been abroad for 22 years. He's an
14:01anthropologist. He specializes in the social behavior of primitive tribes. Well, he'll be
14:06in his elements. He may not come, of course. This may be too frightening for him after
14:12African headhunters. Cal. What? Taking it on herself to go inviting people. And Simon.
14:19Typical rudder's arrogance. Rita and Carol did the same thing. Oh, that's different. What's
14:26different about it? I like them. Well, it's time for the opening ceremony. Oh, but the
14:34Mr. Celebrity isn't here. Oh, yes, she is. She? Oh, there. Well, it is somewhere on the
14:41premises. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and
14:49gentlemen. Thank you all for coming to this great bumper opening of Sillitoes. Thank you.
14:56Now, you're already sampling our cornucopia of non-alcoholic drinks. And shortly, you'll
15:00be confronted with the widest range of vegan and vegetarian foods in Yorkshire. Now, we
15:05don't all cheer at once. And there were folk singing from that popular Pennine group, the
15:10Hebden Bridge Griddlers. And I haven't finished yet. There will also be a raffle. A rather unusual
15:18raffle. To explain, I'll call up the brains behind the raffle, Councillor Rita Simca.
15:22Thank you. And hello. The brains. Ladies and gentlemen. Our raffle tonight. I mean, the proceeds
15:36from our raffle tonight will go to a third world charity. Surprise, surprise. Yes, Ted.
15:44And in spite of everything you've done to me, I'm glad you're well fed enough to find starvation
15:48boring. The tickets are 25p each or a pound for a strip of five. So that means you get
15:58one free if you buy five. So four is all you buy, in other words. So I hope you'll all have
16:02a strip. Oh, sounds naughty. I'd heard a rumour that the road nurse weren't talking to me
16:07this evening. I'm glad it's not true. I should hate to have missed gems of that intellectual
16:12quality. Now, the first prize is a first world hamper. That is the average calories, protein,
16:21etc. of the average Western adult daily diet, as per UN statistics. And the second prize is
16:28a second world hamper. That's Iron Curtain rations. And the third prize, this is the third world
16:37hamper. That is the average daily diet of the third world. Now, everybody who buys a ticket
16:43guarantees, if they win, to eat on a nominated day, their diet and nothing else. It's just
16:49a tiny gesture. It's just a symbol of our concern for people less fortunate than ourselves. I'm
16:55sorry. This is really silly. I'm sorry. Thank you.
17:01And now, our mystery celebrity. It's someone I've admired more than anybody else in the
17:07world. The mystery is why she puts up with me. Yes, she's the only celebrity in my life.
17:13Oh, my wife, Betty. Oh, I'm overcome. I am. I'm overcome. It's so lovely. It's a total. Well,
17:34without further ado, I feel like a queen. Ladies and gentlemen, I name this health food complex
17:54and whole food vegetarian restaurant Silly Toes. And God bless her and all who eat in her.
18:04Beans, grains, rices, pulses. I'm sure we've got everything in the health food line you could
18:15possibly wish for. Ah, there you are, Rita. Feel free to browse. If you find you've found
18:21anything you can't find, let us know. Excuse me. Neville, you're talking to me. No, I'm afraid
18:28not. What? I'm not talking to you. But I wanted you to know that I'm only not talking to you
18:33because Liz isn't talking to you. I'm not not talking to you, really. Well, thanks, Neville.
18:39Look, I'm sure it's a very nice magnolia, but in the context of the rainforest being cut down
18:45at the rate of two football pitches a minute... I don't want to talk about it. That is a squash
18:49court every point seven of a second. I must get back to Liz.
19:05Great food, isn't it, eh? Oh, how delicious. You're happy to be a squirrel.
19:10Well, I'm going to give this place a rave report in my gosh-what-nosh spot that you've no doubt
19:14heard me do on Early Morning Extra. No. Ted, I'm interested in your local radio career
19:20anyway, Elvis. How's it going? It's all right. I'm not really interested
19:24in reporting, but you can't expect to become a chat show host straight away.
19:28Chat show host? Well, that's my ultimate goal. I've got the name for it. Why not?
19:34A name with that showbiz ring. Oh, I see. Yes. Elvis.
19:39No. Simcox. Simcox? Yeah. Sounds good, don't you think? Tonight, Simcox with Sue Lawley,
19:47because they get fabulous holidays, these chat show hosts. Won't you be proud, eh, Dad,
19:52when the family name's a household word? Oh, yeah. It'll be a great thrill for me as I pick my way
19:57through the rubble to which the council JCBs have reduced my life's dream. Oh, darling, think positive.
20:04We regard this little setback as an opportunity. Yeah, we regard this setback as an opportunity,
20:11Elvis. An open sesame to wider horizons. Yes, it is an open sesame to wider horizons.
20:18Oh, good. I'm glad. Patronising little Burke. Not opportunity, love. What open sesame to what
20:27wider horizons? I've had an idea, Ted. I've travelled almost every inch of East Africa with my father.
20:33The bishop. It's a rapidly expanding tourist area for Brits. Now, what ain't they got? They ain't got
20:40good British cooking. What do you mean? What do you mean? East Africa? But that's in Africa.
20:49What do you mean? You mean we'll go and live in East Africa? Why not?
20:53Why not indeed? If he thinks he's the only one with wide horizons, he's got another thing coming. I mean, he has.
21:07Elvis, I want to work with you. Mum, it's not the time. It never is the time with you, is it? This is worse than the road, nurse. This is.
21:14What? Well, you and I don't talk to each other. Not because we're not talking to each other. Because there's nothing to talk about when we do talk to each other.
21:19Elvis, I want to talk about Carol. There's nothing to talk about. Look, she is a lovely girl and I don't like to see her hurt.
21:26I thought you didn't like her. Well, I've warmed to her. Mother's never liked the son's girlfriends at first.
21:31I don't like to see her hurt either, but it didn't work out. It was lust, not love. And there is a difference.
21:38Oh, thank you. That's a useful hint. Where's my diary? I must make a note of it. Mum, besides, Jenny's a lovely girl too and I don't like to see her hurt and how Paul hurt her.
21:48I know, but that's not your responsibility. Oh, yes, it is. I love her.
21:52You talked to Rita, didn't you? If anybody had told me that I'd enjoy a cashew nut moussaka, I wouldn't have believed them.
22:05You talked to Rita, didn't you? No, no. Well, yes, but no.
22:11What on earth does that mean? It means I talked to Rita purely to tell her I wasn't talking to her.
22:16I said that you weren't talking to her, so I wasn't talking to her because you weren't talking to her.
22:21Neville, what on earth is the point of not talking to people if you tell them why you're not talking to her?
22:25Why must you be so nice all the time?
22:27You miss Lawrence, don't you? His barbs, his sarcasm, his icy retorts.
22:32I don't miss Lawrence. I do miss the cut and thrust bit. But I want it to be your cut and thrust.
22:40So sorry I'm sarcastically inadequate. So sorry I suffer from brewers droop in the icy retorts department.
22:46It's better.
22:56Oh, Jenny, this is fantastic. I never knew such happiness existed.
23:08Oh, I had a dreadful thought. We ordered some organic rhubarb and I couldn't remember seeing it.
23:16It's there.
23:24Elvis, I've always liked you and admired you. Philosopher. The rebel.
23:31Oh, it worries me that you're becoming so ambitious.
23:37Jenny, it's not ambition for its own sake.
23:41I only want to become famous in order to gain the influence to have my highly socially relevant and innately rebellious philosophical thoughts taken notice of.
23:50I can't tell you how happy it makes me to hear you say that.
23:58What highly socially relevant and innately rebellious philosophical thoughts?
24:03The ones I'll have when I'm famous.
24:04I just wanted to say, not that it's any of my business these days, but I love you both, you see.
24:24OK. So I just wanted to say, are you really serious?
24:30Yeah. Of course we are, Mum.
24:31I really think we are, Rita.
24:36Well, in that case, for what it's worth, you have my blessing, I suppose.
24:45Thanks. I don't think we'll get my mum's blessing.
24:49No. Not that that thought gives me any pleasure whatsoever.
24:55Well, it's all going very well.
24:58Considering there's no meat, fish or alcohol, I mean, the almonds are good.
25:02Very nice of you to say so, Teddy.
25:03Delighted you've taken that attitude.
25:05Well, I've said it before and I'll say it again.
25:07Life's too short to be petty, Betty.
25:09Glad me.
25:09I know.
25:11Teddy, we're very sorry about next door, truly.
25:14But one man's loss is another man's opportunity.
25:16Will you come and work for me?
25:17For us?
25:18Oh, Lord, I'm sorry.
25:19It takes I'm getting used to.
25:21Ted, will you come and work for us?
25:23No.
25:23What? Oh, Ted, let bygones...
25:25But the bygones have all gone by.
25:28I mean, they have.
25:29They did Rodley buy my premises when the foundry went bankrupt.
25:32I can't remember.
25:34Will your business flourish next door to my pile of rubble?
25:36Will I forget?
25:37But.
25:38But what?
25:39I wouldn't come and work for you if you were the last tea in China.
25:42Oh, Ted, why not?
25:44Well, to put it in the words of your barman tonight,
25:46it just isn't me.
25:48It isn't carrot juice.
25:49Eric said that.
25:51When we asked for him, especially as a favour.
25:53Look, you've found your bandwagon and you've climbed aboard.
25:56Well, fair enough.
25:57Good luck to you.
25:58It's not a bandwagon, Ted.
25:59It's a sincerely held belief.
26:01Well, it may be your belief, but it isn't mine.
26:03I mean, in my book, with respect.
26:06It's trendy, overpriced garbage, and I wouldn't touch it with a marge pole, even if it didn't
26:10have plans of me on.
26:12Plans of your own?
26:13Oh.
26:14Hmm.
26:14The concept of the Yorkshire pudding is a closed book in the dark continent.
26:21What, Ted?
26:22Africa.
26:23Yorkshire pudding.
26:24They don't have it.
26:25Same difference with fish and chips.
26:26Batter, as we understand it, is unknown from Mozambique to Mogadishu.
26:31You're what, Ted?
26:33You...
26:34Here I am, trying to explain my business expansion plans, and all you can say, Rodney, is you
26:39what, Ted?
26:41You're becoming very insuline, Rodney.
26:42Well, we're an insulination.
26:44Must be to do with being an island, I suppose.
26:47You're what, Ted?
26:50Look, Corinna was telling me about how tourism has increased in East Africa.
26:54Her father's a bishop there.
26:56You know, I don't know whether you know that.
26:57Anyway, when you've got an eye for a business opportunity, you know, you never lose it.
27:03It's a bit like sick riding a bike.
27:05Yeah, so I saw our chance immediately.
27:08I persuaded Corinna that we ought to open a chain of English restaurants in East Africa.
27:15Eh?
27:17Well, you're impressed, I can tell.
27:21Well, then.
27:23Good luck, Ted.
27:24Well, thank you.
27:26And thank you for your offer.
27:27No, no, no, no doubt it were kindly meant.
27:30Thanks.
27:33I want your advice, Ted.
27:35A man's advice.
27:36Oh, Neville, absolutely.
27:38I'm your man.
27:39What's your problem?
27:40You can tell me.
27:41Come on, these things happen to the best of us.
27:43Oh, it's nothing like that.
27:44It's Liz and me.
27:45Well, I assumed it was.
27:46I irritate her.
27:47It gets on her nerves that I'm so nice all the time.
27:50I thought of you immediately.
27:51Oh, really, Neville?
27:53I want to learn how to become nasty.
27:54You what, Neville?
27:57Not very nasty.
27:58Somewhat nasty.
27:59Less nice.
28:01I see.
28:02Then, Neville, why have you come to me?
28:04Eh?
28:05Do you regard me as being nasty or less nice?
28:09Am I the local acknowledged expert on obnoxiousness?
28:12Of course not.
28:12In no way.
28:13Well, then I repeat.
28:14And I would like an answer.
28:15Why the hell have you come to me?
28:17I'm sorry.
28:17I did now.
28:18Well, so am I, Neville.
28:19So am I.
28:20But there you are.
28:20You really are rather good at being nasty.
28:22Well, why don't you get stuffed?
28:24Oh.
28:24So far, so good.
28:36Oh, very much so, Betty.
28:40Well, it doesn't look as if my man's going to come.
28:42I never really thought he would.
28:44Are you to the still time?
28:46Oh, no.
28:46It was just an hour in a pub, I suppose.
28:49It was just, I don't know, we seemed to click.
28:53He said he thought I was...
28:55Beautiful.
28:56Yes.
28:57How did you...
28:58And there was me thinking, is it it this time?
29:02And there was him thinking, oh, this isn't a bad way of filling up an hour.
29:05Oh, this ham roll's nice.
29:07The silly thing is, I don't in any way feel the need of a man.
29:12I mean, will I ever learn, Betty?
29:14Or is this the sort of thing that's going to happen to me all the time?
29:16Oh, three minutes past nine.
29:20My love life is incredibly boring, I agree.
29:24No, no, it's fascinating, Rita.
29:26Utterly fascinating, I expect.
29:28It's just I wasn't listening.
29:29I was watching Simon's friends around.
29:33Hello, Betty.
29:34This is Lucinda, Betty Silito, our hostess.
29:37Hello.
29:40Ah, it's rather awkward.
29:43I can't introduce you to the other person.
29:44We're having a feud.
29:45Oh, goodness, what fun.
29:48I'm sorry I'm so late.
29:49I had to show a client around her house.
29:52Oh, is this the food?
29:54Oh, it looks super.
30:00She is a short-sighted estate agent.
30:02You are?
30:03Well, we've all been doing what sort of person Simon's friend would be,
30:06and I said a short-sighted estate agent.
30:09Well, I think that's very cruel and very unfair.
30:12But it's true.
30:14Oh, that makes it all the more cruel and unfair.
30:19Oh, there you are.
30:21Here I am.
30:23I've got to go and beard Eric in his den.
30:25Oh, well, I'm just going to go and check something in the storeroom.
30:35Hello, Carol.
30:37This is Lucinda.
30:38She came.
30:39Hello.
30:39Hello.
30:40You all stand up?
30:41Oh, I see a heck.
30:43I don't understand it.
30:45I simply don't understand it, Carol.
30:47What?
30:48A beautiful girl like you.
30:50She is beautiful, isn't she, Lucinda?
30:53Yes.
30:54Highly desirable?
30:56I'd have thought so.
30:57I'm a woman, Simon, not a house.
30:59A very attractive woman.
31:01A beautiful woman.
31:02A gorgeous woman.
31:03Wouldn't you say so, Lucinda?
31:05Well, attractive.
31:07Absolutely.
31:09So where are the men with taste?
31:11Thank you, Simon.
31:14I thought I was being extremely complimentary.
31:17Women.
31:20Apart from you, of course.
31:22Eric, a word.
31:24Certainly, sir.
31:24Can do tickety-boo.
31:26We have a lull.
31:27A little bird has told me you earlier uttered the words.
31:30It just isn't me.
31:32It just isn't me.
31:32It isn't carrot juice.
31:33I know what you're going to say, and you're right.
31:36You what?
31:36You were going to say, Eric, you were going to say,
31:38I have not employed you on this important night to be lukewarm over your beverages.
31:44Well, yes.
31:46The rebuke is merited.
31:48Look, I have served.
31:49In what I like to think of as a modestly distinguished career behind the pumps,
31:54six years on the Cunarders, steward in two golf clubs,
31:57I have been the head barman in the cocktail bar of the Savoy Hotel.
32:02Well, on Stanton, I've smiled through streaming coals, gout and a track disc.
32:08I've endured with stoic fortitude, heavy seas, leaky roofs and the lager playing me up.
32:14But tonight, I've let myself down.
32:18Your drinks have depressed me, and I've shown it.
32:23I've let you down.
32:25But all I can say is I'm very, very disappointed in myself.
32:30Yes.
32:31Well, I just wanted to say,
32:33never mind, Eric.
32:35Keep at it.
32:37I'll be good.
32:37Hello, Mum.
32:40Hello, Neville.
32:41Hello.
32:42I have something to, uh...
32:44Earlier, Mum,
32:46you said you hoped I'd find somebody soon.
32:49Yes.
32:50Well, I have.
32:51And was soon.
32:52Yes.
32:53You said you hoped he'd be nice.
32:55He is nice.
32:56Well, that's nice.
32:58You said you hoped he'd be of my...
33:00Well, I can hardly use the word.
33:02I find the concept so distasteful.
33:04Class.
33:05Well, I did.
33:06Yes.
33:06Yes, well, I suppose he...
33:09Although I don't think in those terms anymore,
33:11but if I did think in those terms anymore,
33:12I'd have to say...
33:14isn't.
33:15Yes, well, I suppose I might have guessed he wouldn't be,
33:17especially as I was so foolish as to suggest he should be.
33:21Will parents never learn?
33:23He, uh...
33:24I'm afraid he may disappoint your hopes pretty considerably
33:27in one particular respect.
33:29What?
33:30I'm afraid he fails.
33:33Utterly and totally fails.
33:35It's the criterion of, uh...
33:38Oh, Lord.
33:39Of, um...
33:40not being a simcock.
33:47Elvis!
33:48The first prize is a yellow ticket, number one, two, seven...
33:54Oh, Lord, that's me.
33:56Oh!
33:57Oh!
33:58I'd better put it back.
33:59It's not right that I should...
34:00Don't rubbish you entered you, Paige.
34:02Oh, no, but I don't want it.
34:03I won't enjoy it.
34:04I feel guilty.
34:06Oh, that was supposed to be the idea.
34:08Oh, all right.
34:09But it's a bit embarrassing.
34:11All right.
34:12Well, um, the second prize...
34:14Let's hope I don't win this one as well.
34:16The second prize is the blue ticket this time,
34:18number one, four, one.
34:21Blue ticket number one, four, one.
34:23That could be you, Liz.
34:24You were before me, and I'm one, five, one to one, five, five.
34:27Shut up.
34:28You're so stupid.
34:29Ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted to say
34:32that the second prize has been won by Gene Pestle
34:35of the Hebden Bridge Grid Library.
34:39Maybe I'm being stupid, but why did you say I was stupid?
34:42Because I don't want to have to smile at Rita,
34:44and I'd have looked a bit of a bitch if I hadn't smiled at her.
34:46Stupid.
34:47Third prize, isn't this exciting?
34:50Ladies and gentlemen, the third prize is a blue ticket again,
34:53this time number 84.
34:55Good Lord!
34:56Ted!
34:57Whack!
34:58Ladies and gentlemen,
35:00the third world hamper has been won by Mr. Ted Simcoff.
35:08Congratulations, Ted.
35:11Congratulations?
35:11What do you mean?
35:12Am I supposed to live a whole day on this?
35:15No, on half of it.
35:17I'll share it with you.
35:17Whose side are you on?
35:19I didn't realise there were sides.
35:20Oh, look, this is a stupid idea.
35:22I don't think so.
35:23I think Rita hoped it might go to somebody
35:25who needed to have their eyes open to their greed
35:28and complacency.
35:29It has.
35:32Look, I know people don't get enough to eat.
35:34I don't need this.
35:36My father would say,
35:37you know it intellectually,
35:38and this is your chance to know it physically.
35:41My father would say,
35:42use this to dedicate yourself to being a better human being.
35:46My father would say,
35:48be thankful for what you've got.
35:50What have I got?
35:51Well, me for a start.
35:53Oh, yes.
35:54Yes, of course, great.
35:55You absolutely.
35:56But I mean, you know, what else?
35:58Aren't I enough?
35:59Well, yeah, of course.
36:00Of course you are, my love.
36:02You're more than enough.
36:03Oh, you mean everything to me.
36:07But.
36:07But what?
36:09But, well, you're not my career.
36:12You're my evenings.
36:13Me nights.
36:16No, but I mean, you know,
36:18where's me nine to five?
36:20Me job.
36:21Don't you believe in my East Africa idea?
36:23No.
36:25Well, it really would.
36:27I know that country, Ted.
36:29I believe it will.
36:31A new life,
36:32a new adventure,
36:33and a new world.
36:34Oh, accept that you're a lucky man, Ted,
36:36and learn to live at peace with yourself.
36:38Oh, I'm at peace with myself, Corinna.
36:40I mean, I am.
36:41Are you?
36:41You're resentful of Rita.
36:43You're guilty about Sandra.
36:44You have almost no relationship with your sons.
36:46Yeah, well, I'm disappointed in that.
36:47Well, maybe you wouldn't be
36:48if you helped them more.
36:49They need you, Ted.
36:51So don't be embarrassed about winning this.
36:53Use it.
36:54Make your peace with everybody.
36:55Start now with Rita, now.
36:58Oh, well, that's bells, Corinna.
37:00You're not pushing me around.
37:03Only because I want you to be happy.
37:05Because I love you so very, very much, my darling.
37:11Corinna Price-Rogerson,
37:12you are one extraordinary lady.
37:15I know.
37:17One juice of the carato, naturel,
37:20they can't touch you for a tickety-boo.
37:22Oh, I've regained my professional pride.
37:26Well done, Eric.
37:28Oh, that's odd.
37:30The floor's moving.
37:32Where's that wife of mine gone?
37:34Hello, Rita.
37:42Hello, Ted.
37:43Hello.
37:45Well, we can't go on saying hello forever.
37:47We'll have to think of something else.
37:48Yes.
37:48Oh, well, I wanted to...
37:52I've been a bit of a prat.
37:58Well, we're all bits of prats at times, Ted.
38:01It's just I realise now,
38:02it was none of your doing the route for the road,
38:05smashing shared wilds.
38:06It was stupid of me to think it was.
38:09Well, I understand,
38:10cos I understand how disappointed you must have felt.
38:12Well...
38:12Will you open a restaurant somewhere else?
38:14Er, yes.
38:16Nairobi.
38:17You what?
38:19Well, we're...
38:20We're going away.
38:23Corinna and I are going to be married in East Africa
38:25and we're going to live there.
38:27So will you be shot of me.
38:30We'll need to keep on bumping into each other
38:32embarrassingly at do's.
38:35We need never see each other again.
38:37It's great news, isn't it?
38:39It should be.
38:40You are.
38:42Aren't we stupid?
38:43Oh.
38:45Folk.
38:46People.
38:47I mean, this is ridiculous.
38:48I feel quite sad at the thought
38:51that I'll never see you again.
38:53I feel...
38:54Oh, well.
38:56Well, I hope you'll be very happy.
38:58Yes, well, we will be.
38:59And successful.
39:00Well, most probably.
39:01Yes, well,
39:03have a big farewell party before we go.
39:05Oh, yeah.
39:06Now, right.
39:07Classy-do.
39:08Lovely.
39:09Um, well, that was a really good idea, that raffle, Rita.
39:17Because it was, uh, it was an imaginative.
39:21It was caring.
39:23It was great.
39:26Ted.
39:27I want to live, to live.
39:35She's cleaning their place.
39:36Ha, ha.
39:37A place where, oh, oh, oh, no.
39:42Betty.
39:42Ha, ha.
39:45Ah, there you are.
39:49Hiccows.
39:50Lentils.
39:51I beg your pardon?
39:52Well, I ate some lentil and aubergine baked rather too fast.
39:55Betty.
39:56You're drunk on carrot juice.
39:59Oh, Rodney.
40:00I've got a confession to make.
40:03Because I was so nervous.
40:05Because I wanted a night to be a success.
40:08Because, because it's important.
40:10Because, because I love you.
40:13I hid a bottle of vodka in the storeroom.
40:16It's dark in there.
40:17But with all this carrot juice, I could see quite well.
40:20Well, I mustn't let anybody realise.
40:25Or we'll totally destroy our credibility.
40:28Credibility?
40:29And nobody will believe us anymore either.
40:33Rodney.
40:33You drunk too?
40:35I, I, I, I have had a bit.
40:39Topped it up a bit.
40:40In, in the office.
40:42Vodka.
40:43Because I was nervous.
40:44Because I, I, I, what, what you said.
40:47And, and because we haven't had a drink for, what, ages?
40:51Oh, very, very ages.
40:52It's longer than that.
40:53It's gone to our heads.
40:55It, it, it mustn't leak out.
40:57I mean, we'll, it'll be the laughing stock if we're known as the only two people in the history of the, the, the, the, the, the, the, uh, thingamajig.
41:05Big, big, big, big ground thing.
41:07The world?
41:07That's it.
41:08You get drunk on carrot juice.
41:11While preaching, tea total.
41:14Eterianism.
41:14Rodney, what are we going to do?
41:17Sober up.
41:19Walk slowly.
41:20With dignity.
41:21Drink gin, genuine carrot juice.
41:25Eat a lot.
41:26Use only very short words.
41:29Yes.
41:30Good.
41:30Right.
41:31Right.
41:37Listen, there's going to be a lot of clearing up to do, so we can either stay late and do it all tonight, or we can come in early and do it all tomorrow morning, or we can do it half and half.
41:48What do you think?
41:49Yes.
41:55Jenny, could I have a word with you?
41:57In private.
41:58What?
41:59Oh, come on, Elvis.
42:00It's shop.
42:00Shop, shop.
42:03You can't trust Elvis.
42:04Can I?
42:05He's the media.
42:06He's your son.
42:07He's a professional.
42:08I don't want to give him such a good story that he's going to have a crisis of conscience as to whether to use it or not.
42:13Good story?
42:14Nothing's wrong, is it?
42:15Well, not really.
42:17I feel great.
42:18I've eaten only organic food and drunk only organic drink, and I feel, well, really organic.
42:24Yes, well, I'm afraid Rodney and Betty are as organic as nudes.
42:28What?
42:30You're desperately trying to sober up.
42:34Oh, Lord.
42:36Oh, Lord.
42:37Hello.
42:40You aren't not speaking to me, are you?
42:42Good Lord, no.
42:43You're a fellow victim of Rita, fellow compulsory purchasee.
42:47Look, speak to her.
42:48There's no reason not.
42:50When I intend to appoint you as my spiritual advisor, Ted, I'll let you know.
42:54Yes, well, I just wanted to apologize.
43:00What?
43:00Good Lord.
43:01Oh, I don't sound so surprised.
43:03I'm human.
43:04Apologize for what, Ted?
43:05Well, for what I did at the christening, you know, telling everyone that, um, he's my baby.
43:11It's a bit late for whispering now, Ted.
43:13Most people knew anyway.
43:14Yes, I know.
43:15But whilst they didn't know that everybody else knew, they could pretend that they didn't know.
43:20Anyway, thanks, Ted.
43:22A handsome apology.
43:23Happily accepted.
43:24How is it, lad?
43:26He's marvelous.
43:27Bright as a button.
43:28Oh, just like his mother.
43:31Neville is so proud.
43:33He's such a good father.
43:34Do you, he changes his nappies almost as much as I do?
43:37Liz.
43:38What?
43:38I have a position to keep up.
43:40What?
43:40Senior partner in Badger, Badger, Fox and Badger.
43:43Tough, unyielding, determined, a scourge of the criminal fraternity.
43:47I don't want it noised abroad that I change nappies.
43:52Carino and I will be going away soon.
43:54Well, to Africa.
43:56Good Lord.
43:57Yes.
43:58So I just wanted to take this opportunity to wish nothing but the best for the lad.
44:04There's no need to whisper, Ted.
44:06I know, but I prefer it.
44:08And also to wish you both many, many years of happiness.
44:17Good Lord.
44:19Liz, I must speak out.
44:21Abandon this feud.
44:22Stop behaving in a way that makes it difficult for me to admire you and look up to you as
44:26much as I want to.
44:27I don't want to be admired and looked up to, Neville.
44:29I want to be loved.
44:30You are.
44:32I love you.
44:37Neville.
44:37How are you going?
44:40Oh, another deep philosophical question from the same great brain that gave the world,
44:45Are you here?
44:46Carol.
44:47Let's see if my little brain can cope with it.
44:50Think logically.
44:51There's the door.
44:52I'm walking towards it.
44:54Yes, I think I am going.
44:56He didn't.
44:58Turn up then.
44:59Hmm, getting the hang of your style.
45:02No, he didn't.
45:03He rang.
45:04I'm meeting him in the pub.
45:06Well, he's a bit of a lager lout and you don't get carrot juice louts, do you?
45:08You with a lager lout?
45:10Yeah.
45:11He's dead ignorant.
45:12He's great.
45:13You're just trying to annoy me now, aren't you?
45:15Bye, Elvis.
45:17I'm no longer there, therefore I'm gone.
45:24Oh, Simon.
45:26I see you have a companion tonight.
45:30Oh, we're not speaking.
45:32What an improvement on our previous conversation.
45:36Really?
45:37Hey, you're at such pace to tell her you're giving up sex forever, don't you know she's wasting her time?
45:44Terrific.
45:45Son, come here.
45:51I just thought a little chat would be nice.
45:54Oh, God.
45:56Well, am I that inhuman?
45:57Have we drifted that far apart?
46:00Sorry, sorry, no.
46:01No, I just, um, well, I'd like us to get closer, son.
46:07I mean, I would, you know, I mean much closer.
46:12Much, much closer.
46:13So would I, Dad.
46:17I'll be going away soon.
46:19Where?
46:19Nairobi.
46:19I don't want to quibble, Dad, but will that not prove a slight obstacle to our getting closer?
46:28Well, no, I hope you'll come out and visit us regularly, you know, with Jenny.
46:32I've heard.
46:34Yeah.
46:35And?
46:36Well, I'm in no position to express any views, am I?
46:39The cock-up I've made in my life, up until now.
46:42Well, I hope you'll come to look on Corinna as a new mother, you know, without, of course,
46:46hello, Rita, love.
46:48Without, of course, losing your old mother, as a old mother, as a Jenny.
46:52Hello, Jenny.
46:53Hello, darling.
46:54Hello.
46:54Yes, I would.
46:56Listen, I wish you both much happiness, and I hope you'll come out to Nairobi and visit
47:02us regularly.
47:04Right?
47:04That's incredible.
47:09I know, Nairobi.
47:11I meant my dad being nice to me.
47:14Liz, I'd like you to go and talk to Rita.
47:16Oh, Neville.
47:17If you don't, Liz, if you persist in this exaggerated and thoroughly stupid feud, I'm warning you,
47:22I shall still love you.
47:26But hatred is so destructive.
47:29Political hatred, religious hatred, racial hatred, sexual hatred, all hatred.
47:35Mouths that hate grow hard and ugly.
47:37Eyes that hate reveal how self-destructive hatred is.
47:41Life is so short, and people waste so much of it on hate.
47:46I shall love you however you behave.
47:49But for your sake, darling, I beg you, one last time, make your peace with Rita.
48:04More fruit juice needed.
48:12Extraordinary.
48:13No alcohol has been served.
48:15Nobody has had a drop.
48:16Yet the buzz has grown louder, the chat more cheery.
48:20Inhibitions have begun to break down, as if being sociable is itself an intoxicant.
48:24What do you think?
48:26What's your explanation?
48:27Yes.
48:28Yes.
48:28I think your mother's thinking of coming over and talking to me.
48:38Oh, I hope so.
48:40Oh, Lord.
48:41Shall I go and meet her or what?
48:42I feel like a jelly.
48:44Go on.
48:44They're going to talk.
48:54Great.
48:55I'm glad.
48:57No, I mean, I really am.
48:58But?
48:59No, no buts, my cherry blossom.
49:05Hello?
49:07Oh, you came!
49:09How could I not, Rita?
49:11How could I not?
49:12Hello, Liz.
49:14Do you know Liz?
49:16I'm her brother.
49:22Good God.
49:24Good Lord.
49:25Good heavens.
49:26Good heavens.
49:26Good heavens.
49:28Good heavens.
49:29Good heavens.
49:30Good heavens.
49:31Good heavens.
49:32Good heavens.
49:33Good heavens.
49:34Good heavens.
49:35Good heavens.
49:36Good heavens.
49:37Good heavens.
49:38Good heavens.
49:39Good heavens.
49:40Good heavens.
49:41Good heavens.
49:42Good heavens.
49:43Good heavens.
49:44Good heavens.
49:45Good heavens.
49:46Good heavens.
49:47Good heavens.
49:48Good heavens.
49:49Good heavens.
49:50Good heavens.
49:51Good heavens.
49:52Good heavens.
49:53Good heavens.
49:54Good heavens.
49:55Good heavens.
49:56Good heavens.
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