- 2 weeks ago
(Brightened HD copy). Very British comedy-drama series about social life, with British humour, witty dialogue, starring David Jason, Michael Jayston, Gwen Taylor, Paul Chapman, Nicola Pagett, Sarah-Jane Holm, David Thewlis, Tim Wylton, Stephanie Cole, Nigel Hastings, Wayne Foskett. Written by David Nobbs.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh, I'd have loved to, Andy, but we've got a bit of a do on.
00:14Well, it's the crowning of the Miss Frozen Chicken, UK.
00:18I know, but Paul and I have got a very special reason for going.
00:25A bit of a do.
00:27A bit of a do.
00:33Smiling faces in public places, getting to know the in-laws much better than expected.
00:40A bit of a do, invited to a bit of a do.
00:48It's a small town, posh-nosh affair.
00:51Best behavior, being aware of others who are doing it too.
01:00Others who are seeing through you.
01:03A bit of a do.
01:05All tickety-poo.
01:11A bride's dimension, attracts attention.
01:15A scruffy young groom, moody fires convention.
01:19A bit of a do, bit of a do.
01:22Invited to a bit of a do.
01:25Ted, I'm glad you came.
01:37Thank you for inviting me.
01:38What's wrong, Ted?
01:39Have you lost your voice?
01:42No, I'm not talking to you.
01:44Ted, there's no need to take it live.
01:47Ted, good to see you.
01:48Or to you.
01:53What?
01:56Ted wouldn't talk to me.
01:57He isn't talking to me.
01:58He's accepted my invitation and he isn't talking to me.
02:01I'll talk to him.
02:02Will he talk to you?
02:02Well, if he doesn't, I'll give him a talking to such as he's never had.
02:05Thank you for inviting me, Neville.
02:15Don't thank me.
02:16Thank Cockadoodle Chickens.
02:17Rodney's invited me and my guests.
02:20I think he genuinely believes he's doing me a favor.
02:23And you thought if you have to endure it, why shouldn't I?
02:25Exactly.
02:26No.
02:28Neville, will you give me a straight answer to a straight question?
02:31That rather depends what the question is.
02:33The question is, are you having an affair with my wife?
02:37Certainly not.
02:39Why on earth should you think I am?
02:40On the slenderest of evidence.
02:43She told me she loved you.
02:44What?
02:44She said it was serious and the real thing.
02:47She did?
02:48I assure you this is complete news to me, Lawrence.
02:51Is it?
02:52You took her to dinner at the Majestic last Thursday.
02:55My God, have you been employing a private detective?
02:58The wine waiter told me.
02:59He's a patient of mine.
03:00He's an awful gossip.
03:01He's an awful wine waiter?
03:03I've had a couple of dinners with Liz, that's all.
03:06Totally platonic.
03:09Well, there may have been the vaguest tingle of sexuality.
03:12You know Liz.
03:13Who doesn't?
03:14Me, in that sense, I do assure you.
03:20Hello, Ted.
03:21I gather that you're not talking to Rodney.
03:26Aren't you talking to me, then?
03:28I'm talking to you, Betty.
03:30I've got no quarrel with you.
03:31Oh, Ted, life's too short.
03:33Rodney's your oldest friend.
03:35Was.
03:36Ted!
03:37Was, Betty.
03:38It was my life, that foundry.
03:40It was a tumble-down mess of rusting sheds.
03:43It was mine.
03:44It made things good things.
03:46Best toasting forks this side of Scandinavia.
03:48I mean, it did.
03:50And when it fails, what did my oldest friend do?
03:53Does he sympathise?
03:54Does he hell as like?
03:55He rushes in and buys it.
03:58I mean, stupid birds crapping on the very spot where quality door knockers had been lovingly fashioned by skilled craftsmen.
04:05You got a quick sale at an excellent price.
04:08Rodney was helping you in your fight to return to solvency.
04:12It wasn't an excellent price.
04:13It was a market price.
04:15For a site in that area, in that condition, sold at that speed, under those circumstances, the market price was an excellent price.
04:21He was helping himself.
04:23He was getting just what he wanted, just when he needed it.
04:26I mean, be honest, Betty, he was.
04:27Well, I won't deny it was convenient, but business is business.
04:31Exactly.
04:32That doesn't count for much when business is concerned.
04:35Doesn't lifelong friendship.
04:38Eh?
04:39So I'm not talking to him.
04:41Oh, Ted.
04:42It is big night.
04:45It is turn to host the crowning of Miss Frozen Chicken UK.
04:51Oh, please, Ted, for me.
04:54Don't spoil his big night.
04:58I'm sorry.
04:59Well, why did you come then?
05:01Because I wanted to spoil his big night.
05:04You promised me there's nothing behind these dinners with Liz?
05:07Nothing.
05:08I've taken Rita up more often than Liz.
05:11Oh, but that's only because you have to keep making up to her for being so rude to her.
05:14Oh, yes, I suppose so.
05:16No, actually, I find her quite good company.
05:18I admire her spirit in refusing to have Ted back.
05:22You admire Liz's spirit in refusing to come back to me?
05:25That's different.
05:26I wish she would come back to you.
05:30Would you make one last appeal to her for me?
05:35As my oldest friend.
05:37I mean, what are friends for if they can't help each other in times of need?
05:40Well, if you put it that way, yes, I'll talk to her.
05:43I'll talk to her tonight.
05:45Tonight?
05:45She's my other guest.
05:48I thought I'd try a bit of peacemaking.
05:50Get you together in public where you'd be forced to be polite.
05:53Ah.
05:54Well, that principle doesn't seem to have worked too brilliantly at recent functions.
05:59Do we have to do with this?
06:01It's only unlocking a fire exit.
06:03You can't say that when we know that 15 fanatical feminists are going to burst in through it and disrupt the crowning.
06:08Why can't they come in the front way?
06:10It's a security system.
06:12Rodney's a friend, Jenny.
06:13How all this works for him?
06:14More shame on him.
06:16With a philosophy degree, he ought to know it's wrong to keep chickens in conditions of abject misery.
06:20With a philosophy degree, he knows how superior people are to chickens.
06:24Not morally.
06:25Chickens don't keep people cooked up in conditions of abject misery.
06:28They would if they were superior to people.
06:30We don't know that.
06:31They might be wonderful employers.
06:33Anyway, they aren't protesting against cruelty to chickens.
06:37Well, there might be some animal rights people as well.
06:40Oh, Jenny.
06:42I mean, you yourself have twice refused to let Uncle Rodney's chickens out.
06:45Only because you can't suddenly say to a chicken, push off from now on, you're free range.
06:50It's like letting prisoners out of jail with no aftercare.
06:52Miss West Midland's oven-ready poultry, it's humiliating.
07:02Yeah, right.
07:03Treated as if she's a lump of meat like the chickens.
07:05Exactly.
07:06Battery people.
07:06It's appalling.
07:08Well, come on, then.
07:09Yeah, right.
07:10Prickled by the end of the evening.
07:20Oh, thanks for inviting me, incidentally.
07:22Well, we just hope if you meet Ted often enough, it'll lead to a reconciliation.
07:25Is it you who's invited him here?
07:28Yes.
07:29Oh, Betsy.
07:31Rita.
07:32You and Ted breaking up, Ted not talking to Rodney.
07:35It's, well, it is if a whole era is ending.
07:38Oh, maybe it is.
07:39Yes, eras do.
07:41Sorry.
07:43Rita.
07:45Not being inquisitive, but, um, did there ever turn out to be anything in that business between you and Neville?
07:52I think so, yes.
07:54What do you mean you think so?
07:56Well, he keeps taking me out to dinner.
07:59I mean, I think he likes me, but we've never got farther than a friendly goodnight kiss.
08:04You see, I think I'm the first woman he's taken out since his wife died,
08:07and he's got to learn the whole process of getting to know somebody again step by step.
08:10I think I'm falling in love with him, Betty.
08:14Oh, Rita.
08:15Well, there's no need to be so shocked.
08:17I'm not a nun.
08:19Oh, my God, I must have led a dim sort of a life.
08:21You all seem to think I'm about as emotional as a pumice stone.
08:24Oh, be honest, Betty.
08:27Does the idea of a relationship between Neville and me strike you as totally impossible?
08:31Oh, no, I wouldn't say that.
08:33I mean, I've known the most unlikely and unsuitable liaisons.
08:37Thank you very much.
08:39Oh, Rita.
08:41All this change.
08:43What'll happen to our friendship?
08:45Oh, it'll survive if it's worth anything.
08:50Anyway, you two don't need us.
08:52You've got so much affection for each other.
08:54Yes, that's true.
08:56Oh, my God.
08:57I feel sick with nerves.
08:59It'll be all right as long as he doesn't get drunk.
09:02Well, he oughtn't to.
09:03By my calculations, it's about your turn.
09:06What on earth do you mean?
09:08Nothing.
09:09Are you suggesting that Rodney and I take it in turns to get drunk?
09:12Well, it does seem to happen that way.
09:15See?
09:16Well, we certainly learn about our friendships.
09:20Betty!
09:21It's one of the things we love and adore about you.
09:26Comment on it and I'll belt you one.
09:29Comment on what, Betty?
09:30My name tag.
09:32Elvis Sincock.
09:33My shame revealed for all the world to see.
09:36Why are you wearing it?
09:37Because I have to, you twid.
09:40Rodney's made all the cock-a-doodle chicken employees wear it.
09:43A philosophy graduate learns hard lesson about nature of freedom.
09:48Elvis, I presume you're aware that I don't like being called a twit.
09:53Of course.
09:53That's why I call you a twit, you twit.
09:55Do you know why I don't like being called a twit?
09:57Because it offends your inflated ego.
10:00Utterly wrong.
10:01It's because I know I'm a twit.
10:03You twit.
10:04What?
10:04Do you think I chose to be a twit?
10:07Simon, please, this is terrible.
10:10We'll end up as friends if you carry on like this.
10:13Oh, hello.
10:14What have you two been up to?
10:16Nothing.
10:17Nothing at all.
10:18What would you like?
10:19No, nothing.
10:19Why?
10:20You look too nonchalant to be true.
10:22I think some swift noughties have been going on.
10:25Oh, melt up, you twit.
10:28There you go, sir.
10:29Just the job, tickety-boo.
10:31Ian, have I ever told you about my ex-brother-in-law from Falkirk?
10:35Yes.
10:35Oh, well, the most amazing things happen.
10:38Has it really?
10:38How amazing?
10:39You see, he's an income tax inspector during the day
10:41and an amateur ventriloquist at night.
10:44Amazing.
10:44Look after my drink, will you, Eric?
10:47There's no need to look guilty, Jenny.
10:50You're forgiven for not helping me let my chickens out.
10:52I'm glad you didn't.
10:53You haven't forgotten the two vegetarian meals, have you?
10:59Two?
11:00Don't tell me you're vegetarian as well.
11:02I credited you with the mind of your own.
11:04Oh, yeah.
11:05I use me mind of me own.
11:06I find me mind of me own.
11:07Finds that what most of Jenny thinks with her mind of her own is right.
11:11Paul doesn't have any force for the Kismo hang-ups
11:13which force him to argue just so as to assert his independence.
11:17Oh, good.
11:18I am glad.
11:21Well, you see, his ex-wife came from Lower Stoff
11:23and she used to do the most amazing dog impressions
11:26when she'd had a few, anyway.
11:27This night they've been out on the source in real.
11:30Excuse me.
11:31You know, the way you do when...
11:31Are we going to wait all night while you read a book at bedtime?
11:34Oh, well, pardon me for being human.
11:36I'm going to complain about your attitude.
11:38Jenny.
11:39What?
11:40You aren't one of those trendy socialists
11:41who treat real working people like dirt.
11:44Besides which, I'm thirsty.
11:47Jenny!
11:49Ah, Paul.
11:50I'm sorry, I can't stop.
11:50I've got to talk to Jenny.
11:51You've got to talk to Carol Fallingbridge and all.
11:53You are.
11:54She wants to see you, says it's urgent.
11:56Oh, thank you.
11:57Hello, Rodney.
11:58Now, Paul.
11:59Hello, Monsieur.
12:04Hello, Liz.
12:06You look...
12:06What were we going to say?
12:08Beautiful?
12:09Enormous?
12:09Beautiful and enormous.
12:11Come and meet my other guest.
12:13Other guest?
12:14Lawrence.
12:19Hello, Liz.
12:20Hello, Lawrence.
12:24Oh, dear.
12:25I feel rather like the Secretary General of the United Nations.
12:37Oh, good God.
12:38When you had your quick one-night stand with me,
12:41you never dreamt you're having the future winner of the in-house beauty contest
12:44and second favourite for Miss Frozenchik in UK, did you?
12:48Oh, my God.
12:48I'm six to one at William Hills and nine to two at Ladbrokes.
12:52Carol, why have you dragged me up here?
12:54I saw you and Jenny opening a fire exit.
12:57Why?
12:59We like fresh air.
13:00Oh, I know Jenny.
13:03What are you two up to?
13:05I can't tell you.
13:07Do you want me to tell Jenny about us?
13:11Hello, Jenny.
13:12Your heroic, caring, feminist husband had it off with me the night his son was born.
13:16You wouldn't.
13:17Wouldn't I?
13:18This is my big night.
13:29We're letting in a group of protesters against the exploitation of women and chickens.
13:36They're going to disrupt the judging.
13:38Get it called off or I'll tell Jenny.
13:40Carol, we have to do it.
13:43Exploiting female flesh is wrong.
13:45There'll never be an equal number of women MPs and judges while women agree to be assessed on beauty rather than brains.
13:50It isn't just beauty.
13:52There's personality and deportment.
13:54Personality and deportment.
13:55It's an insult.
13:56This is my big chance.
13:59Last year's Miss Frozen Shick in UK went on to be Miss Kidderminster, Miss West Mercia and Miss European Processed Meat Products Category 2.
14:06Why don't you protest about my sister on the supermarket checkout, eh?
14:11Dull work, low pay, long hours and Mr Priddle blaming when there's no price on things, which isn't her fault.
14:16That's exploitation of women.
14:18This is fun.
14:19Well, I agree.
14:20I mean, maybe we should go down there as well, but that doesn't make this right.
14:24Anyway, how can I get it called off?
14:25What will I tell Jenny?
14:26Well, that's your problem.
14:29Oh, heck.
14:37Good evening.
14:38I'm delighted to inform you we aren't having chicken tonight.
14:42So, now, without further ado, let's meet the 20 lovelies selected by the regions of our great boom industry.
14:48The judges are looking not only for beauty, but for elegance, charm, moral fibre.
14:53Now, let me introduce, ladies and gentlemen, beauty number one, the reigning Miss Dundee drumstick,
14:59Hannah McPherson of Caledonian Chickens.
15:05Hannah Hilton Motherwell.
15:07She's 19.
15:08She's a chicken trusser.
15:10She has brown hair, green eyes.
15:11She's 5'7", and her statistics are 35, 25, 35.
15:18Our second charmer is Denise Saltmarsh of Choice Chickie Chunks Ltd.
15:26Denise, the reigning Miss West Midland already poultry, is a native of Hale's Owen.
15:31She's a promotional assistant.
15:32She has auburn hair, green eyes.
15:34She's 5'4", and her statistics are 36, 26, 37.
15:38She's 5'5", and she works as a chicken stripper.
15:42Where have you been?
15:43Never were.
15:44What?
15:45In private.
15:47I've heard Aphrodite.
15:48It's Beverly Roberts of Happy Valley Poultry.
15:53What about?
15:54I could well tell you.
15:55Beverly resides in Basildon.
15:57She's 20 years of age, has black hair, brown eyes.
16:00She's 5'5".
16:00Her statistics are 38, 28, 38.
16:04And she works as a chicken stripper.
16:14What's all this about, Paul?
16:15Can I get you anything?
16:16No, thanks.
16:17We're just, uh, no thanks.
16:19Look, um, I'm sorry I was rude earlier.
16:21Oh, well, that's all right, madam.
16:23No problem.
16:23It was my fault.
16:25I shouldn't have been telling stories when we were busy, you see.
16:27But my ex-brother-in-law from Falker...
16:29Look, we're trying to have a private conversation.
16:31Will you just shut up?
16:32Pardon me for breathing.
16:34My God, you're a hypocrite.
16:36You're furious with me when I'm rude, and then you're even ruder.
16:40Well, I apologise, so should you.
16:41I know what you...
16:42I won't listen till you've apologised.
16:43Bloody hell.
16:48Look, I'm sorry.
16:50Nothing would please me more normally than to hear about your ex-brother-in-law from Selkirk.
16:54Falkirk.
16:55Falkirk, Selkirk.
16:56What does it...
16:56I'm sorry.
17:00Normally, I would love to hear about your relatives from Falkirk, Selkirk, Hallower, Breakin, and Forfar,
17:06but I can't right now because we've got a crisis.
17:08Not because I don't regard you as my social equal.
17:09I do.
17:11Thank you very much, sir.
17:13Well, what is going on?
17:18Carol saw her as opening the fire exit.
17:20She wants us to call off the protest.
17:24Well, she would.
17:26Yeah, but, Jenny, it's her big night, her chance to escape a life of drudgery.
17:30At what cost to her sex?
17:31Yeah, but it's not just beauty, it's personality and deportment.
17:37They're looking for an honest girl of high moral calibre.
17:40Sleeping with your uncle and having an abortion when you're 16, honest and of high moral calibre?
17:46You would.
17:49Carol did that.
17:50Well, it was ages ago.
17:53I mean, it's irrelevant.
17:54But the, er, the judges might not think so.
17:57They hardly like to find out.
17:59True.
18:02Oh, God.
18:03What is it?
18:05I don't know, it must be something I ate.
18:06But you haven't eaten anything.
18:09Well, that's it.
18:10It's something I didn't eat.
18:11I've, er, I've had a word with Jenny.
18:29Oh, yes?
18:30Yes.
18:33And?
18:34Oh, yes.
18:38What?
18:41Carol, did you, er, have relations with, er, with a relation, and, er, when you were 16?
18:56You sod.
18:59I could tell the judges that, couldn't I?
19:01If you told Jenny about us.
19:03He was a pig.
19:05He got me drunk.
19:07When Mr Road nurse found out, he sacked me.
19:11Oh, go on.
19:13Tell the judges.
19:14I'm not going to win anyway.
19:17Oh, pig.
19:19I can't.
19:20I'm going to tell Jenny.
19:21No, Paul.
19:23I couldn't tell Jenny either.
19:25No, I'm going to.
19:26I've got to.
19:26I can't look weird.
19:27No, don't tell her.
19:28There's no need.
19:29Yes, there is.
19:30I must.
19:31Please, don't.
19:32Well, I must go.
19:36I'm on in a minute.
19:38Well, look.
19:41I hope you win.
19:42Some chance.
19:44Denise Saltmarsh has been sleeping with all the judges.
19:48Oh, how awful.
19:49I know.
19:50Have you seen them?
19:53I meant, is there corruption everywhere?
19:55There's something I've got to tell you.
20:13The night Thomas was born, it was a very, uh, well, not disturbing, emotional time.
20:28I'd never been a father before, and I was a bit, I mean, not that there's any excuse,
20:35but, uh, Jenny, Carol and I...
20:45Oh, no.
20:46Oh, God.
20:47It only happened once.
20:48Oh, good.
20:49What a relief.
20:49Jenny, listen, please.
20:51Just now, when I told Carol what you just told me, she said she could never tell you what
20:55I've just told you.
20:56So, you see, I needn't have told you.
21:00I told you because I wanted to.
21:02Does that make a difference?
21:04Well, it does to me, yeah.
21:05Well, sod you!
21:07Jenny, it means I'm terribly sorry.
21:08It means I love you.
21:12So, it's over.
21:17Our pathetic marriage.
21:20Your laughable commitment, your brief career as a father.
21:23No, I...
21:23Take your hands off me.
21:28You pathetic little rat!
21:30Not you, me.
21:44Angie?
21:46Something dreadful happened.
21:50I've left Paul.
21:51Um, look, can I come round and bring the baby and stay a few days?
21:59Oh, thanks, Angie.
22:00No, they're all through there, stuffing himself on roast beef and all the trimmings.
22:07And I hate being idle.
22:08I'm not that sort of a barman.
22:10So, I thought, I know.
22:11I'll ring Alec, eh?
22:13Just the job, tickety-boo.
22:15Here, Alec.
22:16Have I ever told you about my ex-brother-in-law from Falkirk?
22:20Alec?
22:21Funny.
22:25Hello, Angie.
22:26Is, er, Jenny there?
22:30Yeah, I know I have.
22:32Look, can I talk to her?
22:35Angie?
22:39Oh, thank you.
22:40Five minutes, Miss Fodenbred.
22:43Oh, heck.
22:45And her ambition is to open her own riding school.
22:48What's happened?
22:53They've been gone for an hour and a half.
22:55Shh.
22:56Next, at number 19, our very own Carol Fordingbridge of Cockadoodle Chickens.
23:06Carol's hobbies are travelling, cooking, roller skating and collecting antique jewellery.
23:11Her ambition is to drive a Formula One powerboat.
23:14I mean, they've missed the special Ratatouille.
23:21Look, they've had a row.
23:22I know young people, they're probably crying in each other's arms, but now...
23:26Shh, shh.
23:26At last, but not least, number 20, all the way from Brimport in Dorset,
23:32Davina Winkle of Ambrosia Poultry Company.
23:35Davina's hobbies are meeting people, keeping fit and designing her own clothes.
23:42Her ambition is to open her own fashion house.
23:45And now, ladies and gentlemen, the judges will begin the hard work of reducing the tremendous
23:5720 to the fabulous five.
24:00I don't envy them.
24:01You are wonderful!
24:05Oh, congratulations.
24:08Look at that's a work.
24:09Oh, you are.
24:11I'm very good.
24:12I'll just get the work, sir.
24:13Oh, you've got nothing.
24:14Please talk to Rodney.
24:30All this passing notes is so childish.
24:33What do you do if you're not passing notes?
24:34That's different.
24:36I passed you a note because I didn't want them to know, not because I'm not talking to you.
24:41Accelerated.
24:41Ted, Rodney's enough on edge with his comp pairing without your contribution.
24:46I am not on edge.
24:47I have the natural pent-up excitement of the performer.
24:49That's not being on edge.
24:50I didn't intend on edge to be rude, Rodney.
24:53I just meant you can do without overgrown schoolboys passing your notes, especially tonight.
24:58You shall have a real grievance.
25:00That is standing on adult dignity.
25:02That is not behaving like an overgrown schoolboy.
25:04Oh, God, Betty, why do men take umbrage so easily?
25:08Ted, whatever the rights and wrongs of the affair, make it up with Rodney.
25:13What do you mean, whatever the rights and wrongs of the affair?
25:16Ah!
25:19Rita, Rita, Rita, what are you doing?
25:21Screaming.
25:22We used to be such good friends.
25:24Now, we can't open our mouths without rubbing somebody up the wrong way,
25:27and I find that very unpleasant, so I screamed all right.
25:30No, it is not all right.
25:32People do not scream at public functions.
25:35Well, all the more reason for doing it, then.
25:36Ah!
25:39Am I imagining things, or did Rita just scream?
25:42I think she did.
25:43Now, what if she's going off her head?
25:45I think she's discovering how to express her feelings.
25:47That can be quite intoxicating, Lawrence.
25:50Is the insinuation in that particular verbal hand grenade that I can't express my feelings?
25:55Good Lord, no.
25:56I'm sure you'd be able to express them if you ever had, is it?
25:59Children, please.
26:01Don't be discouraged, Neville.
26:02Well, they wouldn't bother to be so rude to each other if they didn't care.
26:06That's psychology.
26:08Is it?
26:08Ah, I've always assumed that people are nice to each other because they like each other,
26:11and nasty because they don't.
26:13But I'm probably very naive and simple.
26:16I'd rather hope somebody might deny that.
26:19Is that Elvis' psychological theory, Simon?
26:21Well, yes.
26:23Actually, it is.
26:24You're becoming rather friendly with him, aren't you?
26:26No.
26:26We never do anything but argue.
26:28According to his theory, that makes you bosom pals.
26:32Would you object?
26:33Well, I wouldn't say it was a friendship that would advance your career in this town.
26:37Are you in a strong position to criticize liaisons with the Simcock family, dear?
26:41I'm sure young Paul will be a good husband to Jenny.
26:45She could have done a lot worse.
26:46Oh, yes.
26:47Virtually every other road sweeper in England would have been worse.
26:49Oh, you really are a terrible snob, Mother.
26:53I think I'm rather a good snob.
26:54Olympic class.
26:55You're not so bad yourself, which is just as well as it's your only talent.
26:59I am a snob, and I regret it.
27:02If I weren't, you wouldn't have married me.
27:08Cheer up, Neville.
27:10This is very encouraging.
27:11Ladies and gentlemen, the judges have selected their shortlist of five.
27:24Meet finalist number one, Denise Saltmarsh of Choice Chicky Chunks Ltd.
27:29Hello, Denise.
27:34How are you feeling now?
27:36I don't know, really.
27:37I feel quite, you know.
27:39Confident?
27:40Well, yeah, sort of.
27:41Jolly hood.
27:42Tell us more about this fascinating hobby of yours, these ancient Ming vases.
27:46How do you get interested in them?
27:48I don't know, really.
27:49I just like them.
27:50You were telling me your great-uncle had a house from the Chinese Curios, and they fascinated you.
27:57Yes, that's right.
27:58He did.
27:59And they did.
28:00Jolly hood.
28:01Tell us more about this unusual ambition of yours.
28:05Why do you want to be a freelance hairstylist?
28:08Don't I, really?
28:09I just do.
28:10Jolly hood.
28:11Thank you, Denise Saltmarsh.
28:16Our second finalist.
28:17Carol Fallenbridge of Cockadoodle Chickens.
28:25How are you feeling now, Carol?
28:27Well, I'm a little bit tense.
28:29Oh, not too bad.
28:31I'm pleased to have got into the last five, and if I can go further, it'll be a bonus.
28:35Jolly hood.
28:36Tell us more about this unusual ambition of yours.
28:39To drive a Formula One powerboat.
28:41Oh, well.
28:42I like boats.
28:44I like the sea.
28:45I think speed's quite exciting.
28:48And I don't see why the men should have it all their own way.
28:51Absolutely jolly good.
28:53Now, you're ready.
28:55Free roll.
28:56Free roll.
28:57Free roll.
28:57Stop.
28:58Free roll.
29:07Ladies and gentlemen, I apologise for the delay,
29:10and I'd like to thank all those who helped remove those misguided people.
29:13They weren't misguided.
29:14They were right.
29:15They did.
29:16Well, let's face it.
29:18They were.
29:18This is all ridiculous.
29:20Well, I don't think they were right,
29:22but I do have a sneaking admiration for their courage and passion.
29:25Don't tell me he's going soft as well.
29:28Anyway, we aren't going to let it spoil our evening,
29:29for which many people have spent a lot of money.
29:32Yeah.
29:32Now, the three winners will be presented with their awards
29:36by last year's Miss Frozen Chicken UK,
29:38Karen Parkinson.
29:39Yay!
29:44Why would you say that just now,
29:46about them protesters being right?
29:48Well, because it's true.
29:50I will now introduce the winners in reverse order.
29:53I mean, how would you like it
30:07if you were described as a crinkly-haired ex-company director,
30:11five-foot-eight, bloodshot eyes,
30:13vital statistics, 38-38-538.
30:18Our runner-up is
30:19Beverly Roberts of Happy Valley Poultry.
30:23What's the five?
30:26What do you think?
30:29Rita, that's very personal.
30:33And grossly inaccurate.
30:36Our winner is
30:37Denise Saltmarsh of Choice Checky Jokes Limited.
30:50Did it ever occur to you
30:51that maybe a woman's chest measurements
30:53are personal, too?
30:56I don't know
30:57what's got into her over late.
30:58Honestly, I don't.
31:01Apologise to Rodney for me, will you, Betty?
31:03Why don't you do it yourself?
31:05No.
31:06No.
31:07No.
31:07No chance.
31:08No.
31:15I feel rather like a change of scene.
31:17Liz,
31:17would you like to come and have a drink in the bar?
31:20Why not?
31:20Good idea.
31:21Ow!
31:23Yes, um,
31:25you and Liz go and have a drink, Neville.
31:33I'm sorry about that,
31:34but Neville's promised to plead my cause with your mother.
31:36If your friend Elvis's psychological theories are true,
31:41I must stand a chance.
31:43Yes.
31:45I had an ulterior motive in asking you out here, Liz.
31:50Oh, good.
31:51What?
31:51Before I embark upon the particular matter
31:54I want to raise with you,
31:55I must ask you about a different,
31:58though by no means entirely unrelated, matter.
32:00Stop sounding so legal, Neville.
32:02No, sorry.
32:04At the horse-raising evening,
32:05Lawrence mentioned something to me
32:07that I didn't then understand.
32:09I later learned,
32:10to my considerable,
32:11as you can imagine,
32:13that he was alluding to remarks made by you,
32:16the gist of which was
32:17that you loved me.
32:19As a pure formality, Liz,
32:21I must ask you,
32:23did you tell Lawrence that you love me?
32:26Yes.
32:27You did?
32:29But, Liz, why?
32:30Because I do.
32:32What?
32:33Love you.
32:35Lord.
32:40Lord.
32:41Good Lord.
32:45To your considerable what?
32:47The what?
32:48You said that when you realized
32:50what Lawrence was talking about,
32:51this was, in your own words,
32:52to this court,
32:53if I can recall a little bit.
32:54Well, you're still sounding rather legal now.
32:57You said Lawrence mentioned a matter
32:59that you didn't understand.
33:00You later learned,
33:01to your considerable,
33:02that I'd said
33:03I loved you.
33:06To your considerable what?
33:07Delight?
33:08Horror?
33:08Amusement?
33:09Amazement?
33:11Is it really that surprising?
33:15I loved you when we were young, Neville.
33:18Good Lord.
33:20You never suspected?
33:22I think I was a pretty immature
33:23and stupid young man.
33:26I thought you might think of denying that.
33:27Well, I did think of denying it,
33:29but you almost broke my heart, Neville.
33:31I sometimes wonder if I only married Lawrence
33:33because he was your friend
33:33and I hoped I might still see you.
33:35So, you see,
33:35I've at least half loved you
33:37for more years than I care to think of.
33:39So, the reason for your, uh...
33:42Peccadilloes?
33:43Amours?
33:44Sordid liaisons?
33:45No, good Lord, no.
33:46Well, yes.
33:48Is that I have been very unhappy
33:50for many years
33:51and only stayed with Lawrence
33:53because I felt I owed it to the children?
33:54Yes.
33:55Good Lord.
33:57But this is...
33:58dreadful?
33:59Wonderful?
34:00I don't know.
34:02One or the other.
34:03So, uh...
34:04Well, this is rather delicate, Neville,
34:08but I've started,
34:08so I'll finish.
34:10Our next contestant
34:11is Liz Rodenhurst,
34:12who's specialised subject
34:14is botched lines.
34:15What is rather delicate?
34:16Well,
34:16I know how much
34:19you and Jane wanted children.
34:20I mean, happy and fulfilled,
34:22though you were,
34:22I hastened,
34:23and I thought,
34:24well,
34:25I'm about to have a child
34:27who has no father,
34:28and I thought,
34:29well,
34:29is it meant?
34:31Good Lord.
34:34Good Lord.
34:36Liz,
34:36all I can say is,
34:37good Lord.
34:38So it would appear.
34:39Anyway,
34:39the whole thing astounds you,
34:40and we should probably forget
34:41all about it.
34:42Now,
34:42what is this other matter
34:43you wanted to raise with me?
34:44Ah,
34:45well,
34:47Lawrence has asked me
34:47to ask you
34:48to go back to him.
34:50Will you?
34:52No.
34:53Good.
34:53Well,
34:53I've done what I promised.
34:55No,
34:56I haven't.
34:56I said I'd plead.
34:58Liz,
34:58I beg of you,
35:00think of your marriage vows.
35:01Think of your husband,
35:03my friend,
35:04lonely in that drafty great house.
35:07Well,
35:07I mean,
35:07not drafty.
35:08I wouldn't want you to think
35:09I was ever cold when I...
35:11think of the many years
35:12you've spent together.
35:14Your children,
35:15who both love you.
35:16Both.
35:17Reconsider this decision.
35:19Give Lawrence one more chance,
35:20I beg of you.
35:22Will you do it?
35:23No.
35:25Good.
35:27Marry me, then.
35:29Yes.
35:32Neville.
35:33You serious?
35:35Yes.
35:36I honestly think I am.
35:38You see,
35:39I did at least
35:40half love you
35:41before I met Jane.
35:43Although I was too shy
35:44and stupid
35:45to see that you love me.
35:47So,
35:48yes,
35:49I honestly think I am.
35:52Do you really mean yes?
35:54Yes.
35:55Good Lord.
35:56Fantastic.
36:23Fantastic.
36:24dancing with miss frozen chicken uk what a nerve how many women have you had samon
36:32well haven't counted as few as that i'm a professional man in a small town elvis
36:40i have to be discreet opportunities are rare give over there must be times when you're showing a
36:47lady client around the house you're in the commodious handsomely proportioned master bedroom
36:52with luxury bathroom on suite and you're tempted to remove her spacious knickers and make mad
36:56passionate love to her that sort of thing just doesn't happen to trellis trellis openshore and
37:00finch i wish i was clever enough not to have to worry about toeing the line i'm gonna take you in
37:08hand sam i'm going to transform your life i'm going to open uncharted scenes oh dear
37:16thank you hi you've had your little chat with liz yes uh i have yes and well i'm i'm afraid things
37:29didn't go entirely to plan i did i do assure you i did put your case very forcibly very forcibly
37:37i pleaded begged but to no avail oh well thank you anyway not at all it was a pleasure
37:46well not a pleasure i was glad to do it for you tell me honestly neville as a friend
37:53do you think there's any hope well i have to say as a friend i'm afraid there isn't any hope at all
38:01how can you be so sure well i also have to tell you also as a friend i do assure you
38:08that we're engaged
38:10what lizzie's going to ask you for a divorce and then she's going to marry me
38:17you bastard i would like to assure you categorically lawrence as a friend and as a lawyer that i have
38:24satisfied myself thoroughly and completely i'll bet you have you swine but i have satisfied myself
38:29thoroughly and completely that the breakdown of your marriage to liz was irrevocable and that i
38:33elicited this information without prejudice without asking leading questions or influencing her decision
38:38in any way you assured me not three hours ago that you had no knowledge of any relationship between
38:43you i didn't then and now you're engaged yes you bastard hello neville uh i was wondering if you'd
38:52like to brave the perils of my cooking and come to dinner one night that sounds lovely rita absolutely
38:58lovely rita i have some news that may be rather a surprise to you liz and i are going to be married
39:07what i thought you'd be surprised i'm rather surprised myself
39:13well congratulations thank you you won't mention this to a soul will you but i wanted you to know
39:22me what why i rather like you rita and i rather fancied you rather like me i thoroughly enjoyed our
39:30little dinners together i felt an air of relaxed undemanding companionship that i've only ever had
39:38before with male friends didn't you feel it oh yeah yes yeah yes they were lovely and and relaxed and
39:46and demanding and i hope you'll both be very happy
39:49oh
39:54well what's wrong i was you what i was wrong about something and i've been put right so i'm not wrong
40:03anymore so everything must be all right mustn't it you're the philosopher mom your education was a
40:09complete waste of money you're totally inarticulate no it's just that i mean mom exactly do you feel
40:17like buying your mother a very large drink elvis
40:20what's wrong
40:33jenny's left me she's she's taken thomas you told her i had to you idiot
40:43i'm sorry about the protest it was dealt with did you win no i came third
40:56jenise saltmarsh won because she'd been sleeping with all the judges and the colored girl came
40:59second just to show they're not prejudiced i'm not sorry about the protest the whole thing's a
41:05farce a bloody farce well what they all are going on the whole evening has been a
41:13disgusting mishmash of corruption and chauvinism and stupidity and decadence that could only be
41:18mounted in a society so rotten it's disintegrating yes i know that but what happened jenny's left me
41:26oh god no why
41:31i slept with carol ford in bridge you didn't elvis oh don't get on at me he did it and you admire
41:39him for it i think that's worse philosopher bloody hell what a family
41:48what a family indeed you better come home with me paul eh two fools together oh my god here's another
41:56one hello paul hello rita good night ted i'll get me coat paul rita what have you heard something very
42:05secret and confidential involving neville and yes it seems so secret and confidential that everybody
42:11knows about it and if you gloat i'll knock your block off no no no not gloating no i'm just mean
42:18you know i mean well i thought uh doesn't it change things i don't think so no just means i've made a
42:25an utter fool of myself as usual no no what i mean is i mean well i mean it makes makes us well free
42:35try again don't it i don't think i want to try again ted
42:42rita why not give me one good reason you're so small-minded refusing to talk to rodney it's pathetic
42:52after what he did pretending he doesn't exist doesn't solve anything
43:04oh look out here comes ted
43:08well what wasn't a bad meal you know to say that they were well catering for a crowd no
43:14quite good better than last time anyway yeah i mean you know it could have all gone off a great deal
43:18worse i suppose so i feel i've aged 10 years so you're talking to him yeah well you know i don't
43:27want to seem petty betty i am glad you're both sober i have enough problems tonight with that
43:36what do you mean nothing no no it's just nothing no are you suggesting we usually aren't no it's just
43:41that um we take it in turns to get drunk well yes just something that rita said earlier tonight
43:51no tack that woman never has had apparently people have got this idea that you and i get drunk
43:56alternately don't don't be offended i mean it's it's one of your more likable qualities no i'm working
44:03it out do you know i think it's true i think we do
44:12just came to say good night good night and thank you for coming thank you for inviting me it's been
44:18quite a night good night rita rita rita rita rita talking to rodney talking to rodney wasn't a
44:28qualifying test i was putting you through ted rita rita what is it that i have to do something
44:35that's impossible behave up till now differently from what you have done
44:44so this is it then is it i really do think so ted
44:49oh rita oh yeah i mean don't look don't get me wrong i mean it's not important but i mean
44:58the house well that's no problem i've got the house you walked out of you've got the flat she
45:04walked out of no well i mean it's not important doesn't matter but i mean i paid for it you're
45:10living in it i'll move out soon don't worry don't want you to move out i want to move back in
45:19oh let me you know can we try again do you really want to ted surely we ought to be able to
45:28find something better where am i gonna find anything better a failed bankrupt with no money
45:32i didn't think you'd failed i thought you're moving sideways into design well i am yeah i know
45:37but i mean i can't concentrate without a good woman find one we're a splendid sex
45:43i'm off now i couldn't leave without congratulating you i understand you're engaged i must thank your
46:07fiance for inviting me he's a stickler for good manners he tried so hard to bring us together
46:12tonight he must be devastated by the extent of his failure lawrence you wouldn't have wanted to
46:19bring up my child you never seemed all that keen on your own maybe i wanted a second crack at
46:25parenthood it's possible one learns from one's mistakes don't you think but it may grow up to look
46:30like ted i don't resent ted anymore i pity him if he's just a pawn in your game that's a dreadful thing
46:37to say is it you're not having the baby because you want ted's child you're having it as an excuse
46:44to break with me and as a bait to trap neville are you suggesting i planned all this how much does a cat
46:52plan or does it just instinctively behave in such a way that it gets what it wants neville i'm going to
46:58go to get my coat if i stand here much longer there is a danger your charm will have me wishing i'd never
47:04left you bye liz
47:20thank you for inviting me you bastard oh god
47:28bye
47:38my
47:40my
47:42my
47:44my
47:46my
47:48my
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