- 2 months ago
(Brightened HD copy). Very British comedy-drama series about social life, with British humour, witty dialogue, starring David Jason, Michael Jayston, Gwen Taylor, Paul Chapman, Nicola Pagett, Sarah-Jane Holm, David Thewlis, Tim Wylton, Stephanie Cole, Nigel Hastings, Wayne Foskett. Written by David Nobbs.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh, I'd love to Ursula, but I can't. I've got a bit of a do on. He insists I go to his angling
00:18club Christmas party. Imagine it. A bit of a do. A bit of a do. Smiling faces in public
00:35places. Getting to know the in-laws much better than expected. A bit of a do. Invited to
00:43a bit of a do. It's a small town, posh, posh affair. Best behavior, being aware of others
00:56who are doing it too. Others who are seeing through you. A bit of a do. All tickety-boo.
01:09A brides' dimension attracts attention. A scruffy young groom who defies convention.
01:19A bit of a do. A bit of a do. Invited to a bit of a do.
01:27Do-do-do.
01:32I'm sorry we couldn't finish the decorations. We've had the bloody VAT man here all day.
01:37Excuse my French. I mean, what do the silly buggers want? Receipts for every packet of
01:42pork scratchings? Never mind, Lester. Half the room looks lovely. Oh, come and meet the
01:48pill beans. I don't want to meet the pill beans. How can you say that? You've never even met
01:52them. Exactly. I know enough people. I don't want to meet any new ones. Liz, I'm club chairman.
01:59It's part of my social duty is mingling. I don't know any of these people. Exactly. So come
02:05and meet them. Then you will know them. Then it will be no problem to meet them.
02:09Any road, it'd be no problem to you, Liz. You've got social poise.
02:13Oh, dear. I used to think, why can't Rita be more like Liz? Now I'm with you, you're
02:18getting to be more like Rita. It'd be very unfair sometimes, couldn't life.
02:21Could it possibly be that the fault is yours?
02:23Mine? Don't be ridiculous.
02:25Oh, is that what you want me for? My social poise?
02:30No, I want you for your body. Oh, plus your mind and your personality, obviously. That
02:36goes without saying. Did Rita mingle at these dudes?
02:39No, that was different. That was marriage. No, you and I are in love, aren't we? I mean,
02:45we make sacrifices for each other, don't we? So, come and meet the pill beans.
02:51Still working as a waiter, are you, Elvis? No, no. That was just holiday relief. I'm
02:58unemployed. It must be tough for you. You haven't really
03:00got any marketable skills, have you? I've got a philosopher degree, Uncle Rodney. I've
03:05spent three years studying the world's greatest thinkers. This is what I say. You haven't got
03:09any marketable skills. No. I suppose it's naive of me to think
03:13that somebody might think it worth employing somebody trained in how to think properly.
03:16Oh, don't get bitter, Elvis. Well, wouldn't you be bitter if your dad left your mother
03:20and shacked up with your younger brother's stuck-up wife's even more stuck-up mother?
03:24Elvis, Jenny isn't stuck-up. No? Well, her mother is. Manila didn't come, and there's a lot
03:31hasn't. I think that's mainly internal. There's been some bad feelings since the
03:34black ass at Wisby. Yeah, well, it's always been very clicky there.
03:40You're very quiet, isn't you, Betty? You all right? Yeah, yeah. I'm fine, Elvis.
03:45She's upset about her dental work. She's had a bridge done and she hates it.
03:49I didn't want to come, but I had to come make sure he didn't drink too much while I'm
03:54not here. Betty, as if I would. Hello. As always. Thirsty. I'm sorry, Bob. I'm sorry.
04:03No, he'll come round in time. All right, well, Liz. Usual, dear. Give me a hand, Ted.
04:08Mm. Mm-hmm. Betty. Betty met Rita outside Nez for building society.
04:15Betty. Oh, yeah. She looked awful. What can I say? Well, how about I'm sorry?
04:19Look, you know I am. She's not long lost her father, Ted. I know. I promised Betty, as your
04:24oldest friend, I'd ask you. Take her back, Ted. I mean, I can't. None of this is doing
04:29anybody any good. I know. I know. I can't. I love Liz. I'm having her baby.
04:38What? I mean, she's having my baby. Why? Do you fish? No. Does Rodney fish? No.
04:56I realize you probably resent me. No. No, no, no, no. It's not that. Well, I mean, I suppose
05:06I do. Wouldn't you? No, it's... It's my teeth. In the unlikely event of your running into
05:13your husband, would you kindly tell him that I'm going to sue? You mean, Lawrence has made
05:19a... Oh, oh, I'm sorry. To you, it can't be remotely fun.
05:33Not the entertainment, are you? No, sorry. Oh, I can see that now. Sorry. What? Oh, she's
05:40pregnant. Can't entertainers be pregnant? Is that one more thing pregnant women can't
05:44do? Well, no, but you're not the entertainment, are you? It's the same with newsreaders. I mean,
05:48do they think we wouldn't listen if they were eight months pregnant. Do they think we'd
05:51all be going, oh, isn't she big? I wonder if it'll grow up to be a newsreader. Oh, sorry,
05:55miss that. Who invaded who, Dad? Only the entertainment's cuttings a bit fine, you see.
06:01Hello, you came. We've decided there's nothing to be gained by pretending what's happened hasn't
06:06happened. But we wouldn't want you to think that because we've come, it means we approve of
06:10the situation. Is that the end of the joint communique? Incidentally, I should have told you.
06:15I've gone vegetarian. I wonder if they could do me a salad or something. You came. Yes,
06:20but we're not to think. Because they've come, it means that they approve of the situation.
06:24I see. Well, I've had a chat with the Pilbeams. Ah. What was the frack at Whiz Beach? Oh,
06:31nothing. Just ripple on the waters. Arthur Pilbeam has told me all about the problems he's
06:35having with his spigoted perilous rod. Oh. I suggested he ought to see a doctor. Didn't
06:40go down too long. Do you think they could do me one? A spigoted perilous rod? A salad. You've
06:46not turned vegetarian? Yes. Oh, dear. If it did nothing else, I hope marriage to Paul would
06:52knock the trendiness out of it. It's not trendiness. It's a conviction. I don't share it, but I respect
06:59it. I'm not going to not do the things I believe are right just because other people are doing
07:03them. Well, all right. Yes, I'll see if Mavis can rustle up a salad. It shouldn't be totally
07:09beyond her. All right. Can I have a word in private, Ted? You what, Kev? I've got some
07:19dirt on you. I'm going to have to blackmail you. Hmm? You could say what you've got to say.
07:24Shout it through a megaphone. I've got no secrets. Come on, play fair. If everybody overheard,
07:28I wouldn't have a hold on you anymore, would I? You haven't got a hold on me. There's
07:33no dirt on me. I mean, there isn't. It's about the fracar at Wisbech. Let's talk in private.
07:48Cast your mind back to Wisbech. Gray skies over the flat black fens. An howling easterly
07:53wind straight from Russia. There's an howling easterly in this corridor and all to worry
07:56up. An argument takes place. The pretext is the habits of tench. The real cause is a
08:01redhead from Maltby. Trevor Barnwell pushes Derek Wiggins in. Derek Wiggins can't swim.
08:06Trevor Barnwell refuses to rescue Derek Wiggins, so Alan Willis pushes Trevor Barnwell in.
08:10Trevor Barnwell can swim, but it takes three men to rescue Derek Wiggins.
08:14You are not among them. You're Elvis's and you aren't. I was prepared. I mean I was,
08:26if necessary, which it wasn't. While all eyes are on the water, you remove two roach and a
08:31bream from Trevor Barnwell's keep net and put it in yours, thus winning the Arthur Tong cup under false
08:37pretenses. That is ridiculous that, Kev. Why would I want to do a thing like that? Because it was about
08:42to be won by your son. You resent him for having a university degree. You feel inferior. Suddenly
08:46you saw your opportunity and you seized it. That is ludicrous, is that Kev? I mean it's ludicrous.
08:52I mean I was the one that encouraged her to join the angling club. I mean I am the premier maker of
08:57toasting forks and door knockers in Yorkshire. Eh? I mean these are just an unemployed waiter. Come on, Kev.
09:03You're a pork butcher, not a ruddy psychiatrist. I saw you take them fish. What do you want?
09:10£849 plus vat. You what? £849 plus vat. It's the estimate for me roof. What if I refuse to pay?
09:21I denounce you before the next committee meeting. When I tell that mistress of yours what an hero she's
09:25extra wagon to. Oh, heck. I wish you wouldn't leave me on my own. Oh, Liz, just talk to people, you know,
09:37mingle. Where have you been? Um, I've been chatting to Kevin Loudwater. Kevin, Kevin Loudwater. It's,
09:43uh, you know, he's a bit upset. What about? Um, about us having fish and chips tonight. You know,
09:49he wanted me. Well, he would do, wouldn't he? He's a pork butcher. See? Oh, my God.
09:59Are you the entertainment? What? Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm Neville Badger of Badger,
10:05Badger Fox and Badger the Solicitors. I'm an old friend of Mr. Simcox's, his, um, oh dear, of Liz.
10:12Only they said they'd be here for our face and it's nearly 9.15. All right, Pete, I'll handle this.
10:17Excuse me. Neville. I'm sorry about the garb, but you were kind enough to say if I could drop in,
10:23I'd be very welcome. Well, yes, yes, of course. I'm, I'm, no, I'm glad, but why? I was invited to a
10:30fancy dress party and I couldn't find it. Oh, I see. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Neville? Yes,
10:36he was invited to a fancy dress party. Couldn't find it. Sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, I really think that
10:46is the saddest thing I've ever heard. I'm Henry VIII. Are you? Are you really? Jane would have
10:53wanted me to go. She loved fancy dress. I've worked it out once. In 22 years of marriage,
10:58we wore fancy dress 33 times. I hope you don't mind. I knew if I went home to change,
11:04I'd lose impetus. I wouldn't find the courage to come. And I certainly haven't the courage to stay
11:09at home on my own. I dread this Christmas. You're welcome to spend Christmas with us,
11:14you know, isn't he, Ted? Hmm? Yes, yes, of course. Oh, thank you. Thank you. We'll see.
11:21Phone call, Ted. Summed about an accident. Oh, heck if that's the entertainment, were you? Oh, Lester.
11:28Could Mavis rustle up a salad? We've got a vegetarian in ambits. Vegetarian in the angling coop?
11:34Contradiction in terms.
11:40I saw Lawrence on Tuesday. Oh? Aren't you going to ask me how he is? No.
11:48I shock you. Yes? Neville, I can assure you I wouldn't have left Lawrence if I still had any
11:55shred of feeling for him. I know, but... I ought to worry about what I've done to him. Although it was at
12:00least as much what he's done to me. All right. If my scorn for the social niceties appalls you,
12:06how does he seem? He seems to be bearing up reasonably well. Oh, he's bearing up reasonably
12:11well, is he? Oh, no. I'm glad. Of course I am. Thanks.
12:20Come on, Neville. You must meet Arthur Pilbeam and his ferreted, spigotless rod.
12:26Dad. Hmm? All right. Oh, bloody crutchley. What does he expect me to do? Drive down to
12:37M.L. Hampstead this time of night? I saw a moment. Oh, good. The lorry has shed a load of our stuff.
12:42Fire dogs and toasting forks all over the M1. Paunches had infinitum. I thought you ought to be
12:47informed. Mr. Sengak thought of being informed. Thought you ought to ruin my evening. I bet he got
12:52the phone number off. Rita. Missed up a little southern runt. What did you say? I saw her mum on
12:59Tuesday. Oh. Well, how is she, Pa? I think the new pills are doing us all good. Well, good. Good. I'm glad.
13:06I'm glad. You're a good lad. I mean that. I mean that. Dad. Look, Paul, it's over. I'm sorry,
13:13but it is. Don't think I would have heard you like this if it wasn't, do you? No. Look,
13:17you're a good lad. I'm not thinking of me, Dad. It's her. I know. I know. But, I mean, it's over. I mean,
13:27it is. Oh, where's that entertainment? I'm gonna phone up that Dave Wilcox and I'm gonna blast him
13:35from Christmas to next Thursday. Dad. Look, Paul, I'm club chairman. Sometimes one's personal
13:41feelings clash with the burdens of office. I'm sorry, but that's what it's like in public life.
13:47Oh, heck, it can't be.
13:53Lawrence. You invited me at the dinner dance. Don't you remember?
14:03Finally, I come to the Arthur Tong cop. This was presented by the late Arthur Tong.
14:11So, before he was late, of course. And, um, it is to be donated to the winner of the autumn
14:17competition, which, as you know, was held this year at, um, at Whiz Beach. And, um, I'm, uh,
14:25well, I'm delighted. I'm glad to be able to tell you that, alas, we do have a winner with us tonight.
14:28Well, uh, thank you very much. That brings us to the end of the, uh, trophies. I'd just like to say,
14:44um, thank, thank you very much. Thank, thank you. Thank you very much.
14:55Your new man cuts quite a dash in public, Miss. A man of many talents, our door knocker tycoon.
15:00You must be very proud of him. Hello. That's a very good Henry VIII, Uncle Neville.
15:06Thank you, Jenny. We, uh, we wondered if we could have a word. Of course. Absolutely.
15:17Oh, sorry. I was a bit slow there. It's the syphilis I expect. It rots the brain.
15:21I was being Henry VIII. Sorry. Poor Neville. He's trying to be Johnny.
15:41Look, um, we feel, well, I mean, as newlyweds, we feel, don't we, Paul? Yeah, we do.
15:52Jenny and I feel that in this, uh, cynical, materialistic age, people give up far too quickly.
15:59I mean, if a marriage is broken down irrevocably, then fair enough, but, uh...
16:05Uh, but people shouldn't give up before they've, um...
16:09Explored every, uh... Avenue. Believe me, we have explored both sides of every avenue in both
16:15directions several times. Let me change the subject now.
16:21Fish and chips look nice.
16:25You know, I think this is the first time I've ever actually had fish and chips.
16:29Your snobbery is so boring, Lawrence. My snobbery?
16:33Who was it when I offered the Simcox buck's fizz said you weren't certain if we had any orange juice?
16:37The point being, it was assumed we had champagne. I understood it, Jenny. I might be as common as
16:42much, but I happen to know what a book's fizz is. Paul? Well, I wasn't meaning... I wouldn't.
16:48I hate snobbery as much as you. It's of no importance to me that you're lower class than I am.
16:54Oh, Christ, thank you.
16:55Well, well, you are. I mean, that's not snobbery. It's a fact. Snobbery's not caring about the
17:00fox. Not pretending they don't exist.
17:02Betty?
17:03She says she's going to sue you.
17:06That'll be fun for you.
17:09Ah, Ted, well done. You must feel very, uh...
17:13Yes. Yes, I do.
17:15Yeah. Seeing you up there, smiling, shyly acknowledging the storms of applause,
17:20it suddenly occurred to me you still haven't been for your final scaling and cleaning.
17:26I don't think I will be coming anymore, Lawrence.
17:29That's rather an extreme course, isn't it? Surely we're sophisticated enough to separate
17:33our professional lives from our private ones?
17:36Maybe your reputation's crumbling, Lawrence. Maybe the saga of Betty's Bridge will destroy you.
17:43Maybe they'll film it. The dentist's downfall or, um, well, bridge too far.
17:50Please.
17:52Or maybe Ted doesn't trust you not to go berserk when you've got him there helpless with his mouth open.
17:57He knows what a passion of nature you have.
18:03Ouch. Absolutely.
18:07I'm sorry. Sorry, Lawrence. I didn't want to have to hurt you any more than
18:10you have already.
18:16Exactly.
18:19Sorry.
18:19Sorry.
18:19Elvis, Elvis.
18:31Look.
18:32Look, I know you don't like what's happened between Liz and me. I mean, you know, I understand. I do, really.
18:39But. But what? But it's happened. Come on, try to accept it.
18:47Elvis.
18:48Son.
18:50You enjoy having a little baby brother looking up to you, wouldn't you?
18:55What?
18:55Oh, my God.
18:58Oh, my God.
18:59Elvis, you're still my son. I'm still your father.
19:04I know.
19:07Well, congratulations, Dad.
19:08Oh, thanks. Of course, it could be a little baby sister.
19:14I meant I'm winning the Arthur Tong cup.
19:23How would you like to work in the frozen chicken industry, Elvis?
19:27Well, it's never exactly been my burning ambition.
19:29You're right. If we can't employ fellows like you, the men with brains, we're expanding next
19:34year, I hope. Think about it.
19:37What has Uncle Rodney?
19:39Well, on the management side, I wouldn't expect a philosopher to shovel bird shit.
19:42Think about it. There's no worry if you, well, you know, and give my Miss Wayne Scott a tinkle.
19:49Well, thanks. Thanks very much, Uncle Rodney. I will. I will think about it. And if I, you know,
19:55I will give you Miss Wayne Scott a tinkle.
19:57Good, good. Now, I must go and make sure the old girl doesn't drink too much, bless her.
20:02I'm finding it very difficult to make myself understood.
20:06I beg your pardon?
20:08I said, I'm finding it very difficult to make myself understood.
20:14Nonsense. You're as plain as a pike staff. Your speech, I mean, of course, not your...
20:19Oh, dear. I found it very difficult discussing business with you dressed like that.
20:26Business?
20:26Well, yes. I'm suing Lawrence for defamation of appearance. I want you to represent me.
20:33Oh, dear. I don't know, Betty. Lawrence is an old friend.
20:37I see. Old pals stick together, huh? Friendship is more important than justice.
20:42Oh, excuse me. I must go and make sure the old fool didn't drink too much, bless him.
20:49Liz, try and join in. You'll enjoy it more if you try.
20:54I'd enjoy it more if you didn't keep trying to make me enjoy it more.
20:57All I'm asking you to do is to come and talk to Lester, the landlord. He's closed his lounge bar for us tonight.
21:03Come on, you'll like him. He's a barrel of laughs. He is thoughtful.
21:06Is he?
21:06Is he?
21:07How awful.
21:08Lester, Lester. Tell Liz about the time you went to Paris to see the rugby and you all ended up in clink.
21:13Inland revenue? Fair enough. Give and take. Swings and roundabouts. We understand each other.
21:18That man? No chance. He's got you by the short and curlies.
21:22Anyway, there's you and that Archie Wayne, right? The three French polishers from Sunderland.
21:26Anyway, they finished up by polishing off 13 bottles of that French champagne.
21:31Those were the days, wasn't it?
21:33Aye. And you know why?
21:34No, of course.
21:34There were no VAT in them days.
21:36Are you going to come and serve or do I have to do it all on my own, Lester Griddle?
21:43There you go. Off you go. No, he's a character. No, he really is.
21:47Oh, God. Still clutching your proud trophy, I see.
21:51Oh, he worked hard for that.
21:53Kev.
21:54Oh, I saw him. I know what determination he showed.
21:57Kev.
21:58Can I introduce his eye?
22:00Yes, Liz Rodenhurst, Kevin Landwater.
22:03Hello, Kevin.
22:04Why, Eccles, you're a cracker, aren't you?
22:06Well, thank you very much.
22:09So you were upset they chose fish and chips, I hear.
22:13You what?
22:14Yeah, you know, you being a pork butcher, you know, what we were talking about out there,
22:17you know.
22:18Oh, oh, right, right.
22:19Yeah, I don't reckon it's suitable for the Angling Club dinner, fish and chips, no.
22:22You must come and see us one day, Liz.
22:23It'll be right, Snoke, once we've got that roof, repair.
22:29I want to go home.
22:32Hmm?
22:32What do you mean you don't want to go back with...
22:34How can you say that?
22:36No.
22:37I want to go and make love.
22:41Cheers.
22:41Yeah, well, I mean, you know, so do I, madly.
22:46But...
22:47For what?
22:48I'm a club chairman.
22:51Is your passion cooling?
22:52Hmm?
22:53Is your ardour on the way?
22:55No, no, of course it isn't.
22:57It's just that this do is the final responsibility of my term in office.
23:01Oh, see.
23:02Well, I'm flattered you're so keen.
23:03I'm keen, I am keen.
23:05I'm deliriously, madly.
23:07But it's a well-known Millstoney's club chairman.
23:11Well, I thought your reception was distinctly lukewarm.
23:14I felt angry.
23:16Well, that's because they all knew Rita.
23:18They liked her, though she never believed they did.
23:20You talk about her as if she's dead.
23:23Well, she is for me.
23:27Will I be dead for you one day?
23:30Liz, love.
23:32Of course you won't.
23:35How can...
23:36What on earth can you say such a thing?
23:38You mean more than anything in the world to me.
23:42You are my world.
23:47Right, now go and talk to the pill beans.
23:48I'm going to put this in the car.
23:50Then I'm going to have to sort out the entertainment.
23:52Now, go on.
23:52Off you go.
23:53Maybe join you.
23:55Only Betty's embarrassed to show her teeth, bless her.
23:57And with you two, you'll understand she needn't talk.
24:00Of course.
24:02Betty tells me I may have been a little rude to you at the dentist dinner dance, Jenny.
24:08Oh, well, a bit, perhaps.
24:10But I didn't mind.
24:12I was fascinated to find out how guilty you feel about the way you treat your chickens.
24:15Did I say that?
24:16I think I must have had a little too much.
24:18Have you thought seriously about umbrellas?
24:22Umbrellas?
24:23Well, you said you'd switch production to umbrellas.
24:25Oh, Lord, I was drunk.
24:26It's not a bad idea, though, is it?
24:28I can't say to butchers, sorry, no chickens this week.
24:30How would you like some umbrellas?
24:32No, but in time you'd find new outlets.
24:34I don't know about umbrellas.
24:35I know about chickens.
24:36It's a booming industry in which British technology leads the world.
24:40Our product is cheap, standardised and almost totally tasteless.
24:45Other countries can't manage that.
24:47You asked me to help you set your chickens free.
24:50I couldn't.
24:51Well, you chickened out.
24:54There's nothing funny in discovering what a coward you are.
24:59Oh, Lord, I always seem to end up making your wife cry.
25:02Don't worry, she cries a lot.
25:04Doesn't it worry her?
25:05The kind of world we live in, it'll worry me when she doesn't cry.
25:08Oh, shouldn't you go to her?
25:09No.
25:10There are times when a woman needs to be left alone, Uncle Rodney.
25:13It must be tough on the dole, whatever some people say.
25:21Buy them large drinks without looking as if you're patronising them.
25:24And get me one while you're at it.
25:31Excuse me.
25:33Ladies and gentlemen.
25:35Ladies and gentlemen, excuse me.
25:38I'm very sorry to be able to tell you that, unfortunately,
25:41we've been very badly let down by the entertainment.
25:46Yes.
25:46Well, so what, eh?
25:47Never mind, eh?
25:50Let's try and prove to our visitors that we've got some unsuspected talent in our midst.
25:55Eh?
25:56We'll make us own entertainment.
25:59And so, I'm very, very glad to be able to tell you
26:02that, very shortly, Norman Penfold will perform upon his instrument.
26:09Now, come on.
26:11Hold on.
26:12Is that the spirit?
26:13Eh?
26:14I mean, it isn't.
26:15I mean, is it?
26:16Is it the spirit?
26:17No.
26:18No.
26:18No, no, no.
26:19No.
26:19So, come on.
26:20I'd like to hear a nice big warm round of applause, please,
26:22for Norman Penfold and his squeeze box.
26:30Thank you very much, Norman.
26:32Anyway, so, anyway, look, to set the ball rolling,
26:34I'm going to start things off myself.
26:36Yeah, so after me, you'll all sound pretty good, eh?
26:39Yeah.
26:40Right.
26:40So, I'm going to do a witty little ditty from the days of the musical
26:43entitled The Tuner's Opportunity.
26:47Sorry.
26:47Thank you very much, Norman.
26:48Miss Crotty Quaver was sweet seventeen and a player of exceptional skill.
27:01She played all the day, all the evening as well, making all of the neighbourhood ill.
27:08And to keep her piano in tune, she would have a good tuner constantly there.
27:14He'd pull off the instrument three times a week, just to keep it in proper repair.
27:21First he'd tune it gently, then he'd tune it strong.
27:25Then he'd touch a short note, then he'd run along.
27:28Then he'd go with a vengeance enough to break the key,
27:32Cause he'd always tune when he got the opportunity.
27:37Then he'd tune it gently, then he'd tune it strong.
27:40Then he'd touch a short note, then he'd run along.
27:44Then he'd go with a vengeance enough to break the key,
27:47Cause he'd always tune when he got the opportunity.
27:50Rita?
27:56Rita?
28:03Liz, Liz, where have you been?
28:04In your car. I couldn't get in.
28:06Yo, Liz, it were only...
28:07Liz, it were only a bit of fun.
28:12I hated to see you making such an exhibition of yourself.
28:14Look, it doesn't matter with these people. These people are my people.
28:17Nonsense. You're managing director of your own family.
28:19Yes, I know that, but I haven't forgotten my roots.
28:21Asparagus has roots. One keeps them well hidden.
28:23Look, Liz, asparagus is asparagus. People are people.
28:26When you're finished with asparagus, you chuck it out, but we don't treat people like that.
28:29Don't we?
28:29Exactly, but we shouldn't do.
28:31So, look, come back here. Come back. Come and show that you like them.
28:34Show that you care about them.
28:35I don't like them. I don't care about them.
28:36But these people are the salt of the earth.
28:38Were they the salt of the earth at Whiz Beach?
28:40Look, I'm not saying that these people are any better than anyone else.
28:42I'm just saying that they're no worse.
28:46Look, I'm club chairman. I've got to go back.
28:52Come with me. Please.
28:54What's the point?
28:56Rita's turned up.
28:58Well, why didn't you say so?
29:03Don't bother.
29:04What's his fault?
29:06They're here.
29:08Oh, dear.
29:20Oh, I like a bit of music.
29:22So do I.
29:24With respect, Rita, I'm astounded you found the courage to come.
29:27So am I.
29:29You don't know what you can do till you try, do you?
29:32Talk as if we're being intimate.
29:34Pardon?
29:34For effect. To worry them. Say something intimate.
29:40I've gone blank.
29:41Well, pay me compliments so you find me very attractive or something.
29:46I'm sorry, I can't.
29:48I see.
29:49Well, just choose my best features and compliment me on them.
29:52I'm sorry, it's no good.
29:57I see.
29:57I'm sorry.
29:58Oh, it doesn't matter.
30:00It was just to say something.
30:01It doesn't matter if it's utter nonsense.
30:03Just make it look intimate.
30:05Well, I'm not very good at nonsense.
30:07Well, anything.
30:09Tell limericks.
30:11Limericks?
30:11Why not?
30:16A certain young gourmet of creditum took some pate de foie gras and spread it on a chocolate biscuit and murmured, I'll risk it.
30:26His tomb bears the date that he said it on.
30:29I wonder what they're talking about.
30:31You aren't interested, are you?
30:32You aren't worried.
30:34No, I'm not remotely interested.
30:35I'm not remotely worried.
30:37I'm just mildly intrigued.
30:39That's all, you know, look rather intimate.
30:41There was a young lady from Spain who was dreadfully sick in a train.
30:48Not now and again, but now and again and again and again and again.
30:57They're not going to start up as well, are they?
31:01Well, I suppose it would sort of solve the problem.
31:03No, but I don't think I could go.
31:05It could scar me permanently.
31:06There once was a pious young priest who lived almost wholly on yeast, for he said it is flame, we must all rise again, and I want to get started at least.
31:20There was a young lady from Spain who was dreadfully sick in a train.
31:31Not now and again, but now and again and again and again and again.
31:37It's the only one I know.
31:41I'm laughing.
31:41Ted?
31:42I don't care.
31:44I'm just astounded at all.
31:46It's all for appearance.
31:48Must be in Florence.
31:49If you feel like coming over at all over Christmas, don't hesitate.
31:56I'll be there.
31:57Well, I may...
31:59Yes, thank you very much.
32:01It's going to be a funny old Christmas.
32:05Yes, it is.
32:08Are you all for them yet?
32:10Who?
32:11Your mum and my dad.
32:13For Christmas dinner.
32:15Well, you said he would.
32:17I'm beginning to wonder if we should.
32:19I mean, your mum and my dad, fair enough.
32:22Well, I don't mean fair enough.
32:24I mean, absolutely dreadful and shocking and all too typical of parents today, but I can understand.
32:31But my mum and your dad, they're mind-boggles.
32:35I mean, if they went for a lie-down full of a turkey and I hear them tippa-toe into each other's rooms, I think I might have a nervous breakdown.
32:43They wouldn't be full of turkey.
32:45They're full of nut cutlets.
32:47Oh, this is it, Jenny.
32:48What would we give them?
32:49It's not just the turkey, it's the trimming.
32:51My mum says, trimming's Mecca Christmas, didn't you?
32:54Can't have bread sauce and cranberry sauce and two kinds of stuffing with nut cutlets.
33:00You miss your Christmas dinner?
33:03Of course not.
33:05You're what matters to me, not turkey.
33:14Come on, well done.
33:17Thank you very much.
33:18Great.
33:18Now, who's going to entertain us next?
33:22I will.
33:25Rita?
33:35Ladies and gentlemen, my...
33:38Rita Simcock.
33:42We live in troubled times.
33:49I sometimes wonder whether mankind hasn't gone stark staring mad.
33:54Womankind has, on the whole, done rather better.
33:57But there's no room for complacency there, either.
34:01People seem to have abandoned moral standards to gratify their greed for pleasure.
34:05It's the pills, it must be.
34:06So, although I know this is an angling club party, I want you all to remember that it's
34:12also a Christmas party.
34:14Therefore, I should like to sing a couple of verses of Hark the Herald Angels Sing, unaccompanied.
34:20Thank you very much, Norman.
34:21You may all join in the chorus, and I don't want any funny words, either.
34:26Hark the Herald Angels Sing, glory to the newborn King.
34:40Peace on earth and mercy mild, God and sinners reconciled.
34:51Joyful all ye nations rise, join the triumph of the skies.
35:02With the angelic host proclaim, Christ is born in Bethlehem.
35:14Hark the herald angels sing, glory to the newborn King.
35:25Hail the heaven-born Prince of Peace, hail the Son of Righteousness.
35:37Light and life to all he brings, risen with healing in his wings.
35:48Mild he lays his glory by, born that man no more may die.
36:00Born to raise the sons of earth, born to give them second birth.
36:11Hark the herald angels sing, glory to the newborn King.
36:23Well, well, well, well.
36:38Can the king of the coal scuttles be scuttling back to wifey, do you think?
36:45Rita.
36:46Shouldn't you be with her?
36:48Yes.
36:49I just wanted to say how very sorry I am for what's happened.
36:54What brought this on?
36:56You sang well, I was amazed.
36:59No, not that you sang well, that you sang.
37:02I mean, I mean, you know, in public, I mean, it's very unlike you.
37:07Oh, I'm a two, am I?
37:10I saw that Mrs.
37:13Whose husband used to work at that special school before he collapsed in Tesco's yesterday, Arrington.
37:17I heard her talking to her friends, whispering.
37:20Do you know who that used to be?
37:21That used to be Rita Simcock.
37:23Rita.
37:24Do you know, lately you seem to think everything can be made all right by constantly repeating my name.
37:28It's not enough.
37:30I care about what happens to you.
37:32Why?
37:33In case I do something dreadful and it's in the papers,
37:35brings disgrace on you and rebounds on your precious foundry.
37:38No, Rita, love, it's very unfair.
37:41I care about you.
37:43So I've come out to say I'm sorry.
37:46Well, you've said it now.
37:48Twice.
37:54I didn't want all this to happen.
37:56Putty in her hands, are you?
37:59No, I...
38:02I mean, obviously I want to be with her.
38:07Otherwise I wouldn't be.
38:08It's just that I don't positively not want to be with you.
38:13It's just that I just have to not be with you because I want to be with her.
38:22So, love.
38:23Splitting hairs as well as family, isn't it?
38:26Sorry.
38:27Three times.
38:29Look, you were great in there.
38:30Fantastic.
38:30I was proud of you.
38:32Proud?
38:33What have you got to be proud about?
38:37You think I'm your creation or something?
38:39Really?
38:39Rita, Rita!
38:41Don't spoil it all by running away.
38:47Look, I've got to go back.
38:49Come back in.
38:52Otherwise it'd look like a victory for her.
38:54They have been a long time.
39:08What?
39:09You are wondering if under the influence of song they're being reunited with each other and their gods.
39:14I'm not.
39:15Ted wouldn't.
39:17He couldn't.
39:18It's inconceivable.
39:20He thinks the lady does protest too much.
39:24You are marvellous.
39:42Not bad, Mum.
39:43I saw you.
39:45Hiding your head in your hands till you realise you didn't need to.
39:48Yeah, well, excuse me.
39:51Please, don't let me keep you from her.
39:52Rita.
39:53Dad.
39:53Oh, sorry.
39:55Oh, for God's sake, stop saying that.
39:57I'm sorry.
39:58Oh, heck.
40:02I'm sorry.
40:09Sorry.
40:10Never mind.
40:11Couldn't not speak to her, could I?
40:12I mean, I couldn't be that callous, could I?
40:14I'll leave you alone.
40:15Lawrence, please don't feel you have to go.
40:17No, I don't.
40:18I want to go, believe me.
40:20I love you.
40:21I love you.
40:25I do, utterly.
40:27You're not going, are you?
40:28There's an extension.
40:30You care more about Ben than about me.
40:33No, no, no.
40:34I don't, love.
40:35It's just that I said I would be chairman for a year.
40:37Not until such times I wanted to go home and have it off with my love.
40:41I mean, be fair.
40:42I'm committed morally.
40:44Ted, can I have a word?
40:45Kev, can't you see that I'm in the middle of a very important private conversation?
40:48Yeah, all right, yes.
40:50All right, sorry.
40:50Sorry.
40:57All right, make this brief, will you go?
40:58Right.
40:59It's just that I'm having that work started straight away.
41:01Your deadline for pay...
41:02This is getting ridiculous.
41:05I'm going to have to have that prostate done.
41:08Yeah.
41:10Your deadline for pay means Friday fortnight.
41:13£849 plus vat.
41:14Oh, to hell were you it?
41:24Being a king suits you.
41:26Oh, thank you very much.
41:27You look good as George VI.
41:30Oh, thank you very much.
41:32If you'd like to come over at all over Christmas, Neville...
41:35Oh, thank you very much.
41:35I'd have loved to, but thank you, no.
41:37You can't make the world into a shrine for her, you know, Neville.
41:41Why don't you mind your own business?
41:42Oh, I must say, Rita, it wasn't exactly tactful to come tonight.
41:51That's why I came.
41:53How nasty.
41:55Darling would describe it as nice to steal my husband and have his baby.
41:58I wouldn't exactly describe taking things that turn up on one's doorstep as, um, stealing.
42:03I feel that events have forced us to become enemies.
42:08What a pity we couldn't have got to know each other better under happier circumstances.
42:12Then we could have been enemies of our own free will.
42:14Oh.
42:24Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?
42:27Um, I've got to announce a change in the winter of the Arthur Tong Cop.
42:33This is no longer me.
42:35I also resign, as of now, my chairmanship of the club, as I have besmirched this high office.
42:43During the fracas at Whiz Beach, I took two roach and a bream from Trevor Barnwell's keek net.
42:49So, the, uh, the new winner is, in fact, my son, Elvis, and a very well-deserved winner he is, too.
42:57So, I'd like, uh, a big hand, please, for, uh, Elvis Simcock.
43:01Thank you very much.
43:05Come on, Elvis, Elvis.
43:07Come on, Arthur, come on.
43:12There you go.
43:13Well done, well done, well done.
43:14Come on, I'm taking you home.
43:24No, Lawrence.
43:25I shall stand by him.
43:27Not you, dear.
43:28I was talking to Rita.
43:30Well, that's, that's that, then.
43:34Good night, everybody.
43:36Happy Christmas.
43:38Happy New Year.
43:39Happy, what is it these people do?
43:42Angling.
43:43Sorry about this.
43:44Yes, that's right.
43:45Bloody boring occupation, it's always seemed to me.
43:48Come on, my love, shut-eye time.
43:50Sitting for hours, watching a worm wriggling about on a hook.
43:54Ah, it's ridiculous.
43:55I've had more fun watching pimples grow.
43:59It's a lovely party, everybody.
44:02Apart from the food and all that singing and that burt going on about V.A.T. all the time.
44:09She's forgotten all about her teeth.
44:11Oh, Lord.
44:12Oh, my God.
44:14The fiend.
44:15It doesn't notice, not really.
44:17However, it's thoroughly incompetent dental work.
44:19But it doesn't notice.
44:21Come on.
44:22Come on, Rita.
44:23If you're not going, there's an extension.
44:27Oh, shut up about your blast and extension.
44:29You're beautiful when you're angry.
44:31Neville, that is so corny.
44:33Ah, but I'm Henry VIII.
44:34It was original in my day.
44:36Are you fit to drive, Neville?
44:38I mean, supposing you start.
44:40Why should I be?
44:41In that costume.
44:43Oh, Lord.
44:44Oh, my Lord.
44:45What's the day, is it?
44:47Thank you, both.
44:49I'm sorry I was rude again, Rita.
44:52Well, it's natural.
44:53You resent all the women because they aren't Jane.
44:56Do I?
44:57Oh, Lord.
44:58Good night, Neville.
45:02Oh, Lord.
45:08It's been a fiasco.
45:11I mean, it has.
45:13Total fiasco.
45:15Not total.
45:17You made a brave speech.
45:21Oh, ladies.
45:24Oh, heck.
45:26Right, I'm off.
45:27Oh, God.
45:28Night, Dad.
45:29Excuse me, Lord.
45:30Elvis, Elvis.
45:31Hey, look.
45:33Twenty-seven minutes of extension unexpired.
45:36Yeah, I'm going down the plough.
45:37I can drink late there without an extension.
45:40Elvis.
45:41I can't cope with all this, Dad.
45:47I don't know whether I admire or despise you.
45:50I don't know whether I love you or hate you.
45:54That's, well, three years of philosophy I've taught you, is it?
45:58Yeah.
46:02Night, Dad.
46:02Always.
46:02Always.
46:05Say goodnight to Liz.
46:06Please.
46:08Please.
46:12Goodnight, Liz.
46:19I'm sorry about that.
46:22Family's here.
46:22Who'd have a...
46:23Oh, God.
46:25I suppose you think you've won, don't you?
46:27I've lost any road.
46:29How am I going to get my roof repaired now, eh?
46:32You deserve a vegetarian daughter-in-law.
46:34Well, what do you mean about his roof?
46:39What's been going on, Ted?
46:41I wasn't brave.
46:44I only admitted what I'd done because Kevin saw it and he blackmailed me.
46:50Well, I still think you spoke bravely.
46:53Why did you do it?
46:55I don't know.
46:56Why do people do stupid things?
46:59I suppose I've never won anything and I saw my chance and...
47:06Simple as that.
47:08Let's go home.
47:11It's 23 minutes of extension on expired.
47:15The failure of the evening is no longer your responsibility.
47:18You've resigned.
47:19Yes, I know, love, but I could do with a drink.
47:21I mean, I could after that ordeal, which it was.
47:23Let's take it, can we have the same again?
47:28Hey, Norman.
47:30Give us a tune.
47:46Let's dance.
47:53Thanks for sticking by me.
48:04A lot of people are going to have to eat their words.
48:07What do you mean?
48:08Well, I've got to say that you were shallow and self-centered and only up for what you can get.
48:13I know they're wrong.
48:17When we get home, I'm going to take all your clothes off.
48:22Very, very slowly.
48:28Me too.
48:30Yours and me.
48:31Look at him.
48:41I don't know how he does it.
48:42What?
48:43Dancing.
48:44As if he hasn't got a care in the world.
48:47And he's been paying VAT for years.
48:50I don't know how I can't.
48:52I'm too.
48:54I'll tell you how he cannot say.
48:56I don't know how he's going to leave now.
49:00Hey!
49:04Hey!
49:05Hey!
49:08Hey!
49:16Hey!
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