- 2 months ago
(Brightened copy). Very British comedy-drama series about social life, with British humour, witty dialogue, starring David Jason, Michael Jayston, Gwen Taylor, Paul Chapman, Nicola Pagett, Sarah-Jane Holm, David Thewlis, Tim Wylton, Stephanie Cole, Nigel Hastings, Wayne Foskett. Written by David Nobbs.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Hello, Pete.
00:04Look, I'm having a bit of a do on Friday.
00:07Wondered if you'd like to come.
00:10It's my farewell do.
00:11Well, I'm leaving the country to go and live in Africa.
00:16What do you mean you wouldn't miss a celebration like that?
00:22A bit of a do.
00:25A bit of a do.
00:30Smiling faces in public places.
00:33Trying to hide your problems from your friends and relations.
00:37A bit of a do.
00:39Invited to a bit of a do.
00:45It's a small town.
00:47Hush, hush, affair.
00:49Best behavior.
00:50Being aware of others who are doing it too.
00:56Others who are seeing through you.
01:00A bit of a do.
01:03Oh, tickety-boo.
01:07New dimensions for family tensions.
01:12Mentioning the little things that shouldn't be mentioned.
01:15A bit of a do.
01:17Bit of a do.
01:19Invited to a bit of a do.
01:21Not tonight, Josephine.
01:43Olive.
01:45What?
01:45Oh, you are.
01:46Would you like some stuffed olives before the rush?
01:49No, no, no.
01:50No, thank you, Eric.
01:52Oh, look at this buffet, Eric.
01:54Smoked salmon, fresh salmon, caviar.
01:56Not that I rate caviar, me.
01:59No, my book is just like fish roe.
02:00Oh, I'm writing a book about the barman's art.
02:02There's going to be a whole chapter devoted to the neglected art of the tasty titbit.
02:06Oh, it's going to be a right classy do.
02:09A lot of folk are going to have to revise their opinion of Ted Simcock posthumously.
02:13Because, I mean, it's an integral part of the barman's art is the strategic placing of well-chosen salty knickknacks.
02:18But when I say posthumously, you know what I mean, when I've gone.
02:22That's right.
02:23Don't listen to a word I say, ignorant pig.
02:26Oh, it's a fancy dress.
02:34Yeah, well, I'm afraid it just isn't me, Dad.
02:37Oh, heck.
02:39This is supposed to be my sophisticated glittering farewell.
02:42And what do my sons do?
02:43One only says he may be able to turn up.
02:46The other doesn't even bother to dress up.
02:47I mean, really, Elvis.
02:49Yeah, well, I just can't see Jean-Paul Sartre making a burke of himself by coming to a party dressed as Napoleon.
02:54I mean, hey, well, you...
02:56Lovely, lovely.
03:00Yeah, well done, well done.
03:03There you are, you see.
03:05The lads from the Halifax Building Society are not too proud to let their hair down.
03:08What's so special about Jean-Paul Ruddy Sartre, eh?
03:11Lads, welcome to me humble party.
03:14Champagne, sir.
03:16I prefer a pint of bitter.
03:18Oh, no problem, can do, tickety-boo.
03:20Oh, I wish I'd got the courage to come dressed like you.
03:25I wish I'd got the courage to come dressed like you.
03:28Oh.
03:39Liz!
03:40Liz!
03:41Neville!
03:41Hello!
03:42Hello, hello, hello.
03:43I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you a few questions.
03:45Ah, yes.
03:47Amazingly amusing.
03:48It's incredibly inventive.
03:50Oh, well, they're not exactly integrated costumes, though, are they?
03:54I thought that you might at least be enough to Walter Raleigh.
03:58Excuse me.
04:00Well, Neville and Jane were Elizabeth Raleigh.
04:03They were Antony and Cleopatra.
04:05They were every romantic pair in history.
04:07Jane loved fancy dresses.
04:09She brings it all back.
04:11His perfect first marriage, I feel, about two foot high, Ted.
04:14Liz, um, you know, tonight may be the last time that we see each other again before I go to Nairobi, which means it might.
04:23Might it be the last time that we see each other again ever.
04:27Peter, I wonder if you'd do something really special for me tonight.
04:32Ted!
04:32Huh?
04:33No, not that.
04:35No, how could you think that?
04:38Eh?
04:38And how could you, of all people, be outraged, even if you did think that?
04:43Eh?
04:44No.
04:45What I mean is, will you suspend your feud with Rita?
04:48Just for tonight, at any rate.
04:50You know, for Corina and me, as a personal favour.
04:52I don't think I owe you any favours.
04:53I'm appealing to your better nature.
04:55Rita is deliberately humiliating me, Ted.
04:58She is lopping a lump off my garden with her ring road.
05:00She is destroying my magnolia, 18 rose bushes.
05:02Enough said, enough said, enough said.
05:04All right.
05:05Now, um, come on, come on.
05:08Look, I'd like you to come and meet the gentleman from the Halifax Building Society.
05:12Come on, come on.
05:13That's it, you dear.
05:15I'd love you to meet Liz Badger.
05:17Hello, boys.
05:21Neville.
05:22Neville.
05:22I know.
05:24My love for Liz, Ted, can't erase all memory of Jane.
05:27Every now and then, something brings it back, and my heart and stomach lurch.
05:31I know.
05:32I know.
05:32And in your time, you and Jane have come as every famous pair in history.
05:36Every pair except Joseph and Mary.
05:38But there are people in this town who'd be very offended if Liz came as the Virgin Mary.
05:42Yes.
05:45Yeah, I'll take your point.
05:47Look, uh, Neville, I've sown the seed in Liz.
05:51I'd like you to water that seed.
05:52I beg your pardon?
05:53Hmm?
05:53No, I mean, I've asked her to suspend her feud with Rita.
05:58Just for tonight, anyway.
05:59If you...
06:00I...
06:00Oh, no.
06:01Oh, no.
06:03Take me home, Neville.
06:16No, no, Liz.
06:18Oh, Lord.
06:19In the bar, quick.
06:20Nice.
06:25Rita.
06:26Hello, Geoffrey.
06:27Rita, what on earth possessed you to come as Queen Elizabeth?
06:30How like a man to blame his ex-wife rather than his ex-mistress for the unfortunate coincidence.
06:36No, no, I didn't mean that.
06:38I mean, it isn't you, is it?
06:39It isn't absolute monarchy.
06:41I mean, it isn't.
06:42You're a socialist counsellor.
06:44I'm also a woman.
06:46And how.
06:47Sorry, Ted, I didn't mean to embarrass you.
06:50Hmm?
06:50No, no, no, that's all right, that's all right.
06:52No, Rita and I are, well, uh...
06:54Yesterday's cold potatoes.
06:55Yes, yes...
06:56No, yeah, no.
06:58I mean...
06:59Well, in a way, I mean...
07:01Rita and I are both in love again.
07:04Where is Corinna?
07:05Oh, you know, struggling to get into her costume.
07:09Oh, it's...
07:10Her athlete's heel is time.
07:12If you go home, everyone will remember it as the time you both came as Queen Elizabeth and she stayed and you ran away.
07:18I haven't much choice, have I?
07:20I don't think so.
07:21Brazen it out.
07:22Sure bit of style.
07:23It is a deliberate campaign to ridicule me.
07:25If it is, and I don't say that I agree it is, then by rising above it, you'll make her look ridiculous.
07:31Darling, do you remember what happened at this table?
07:35You got engaged.
07:37Yes.
07:38I love you.
07:40Liz.
07:40You almost called me Jane, then.
07:45I wonder how many times you'll call me Jane before the evening's out.
07:48No, I didn't.
07:49I wouldn't.
07:50There's...
07:51No comparison?
07:56Liz.
07:57Tell her how you used to pull my hair, Geoffrey.
08:01Did you?
08:02Not every day.
08:04I was pretty horrid to her, but then she was extremely horrid to me.
08:08She cut the squeak out of my favourite teddy.
08:09Well, this will be the final straw.
08:14What will?
08:16My loving you.
08:17Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Dale Monsell, and this is my quartet.
08:24Music is our business, delight is our aim.
08:28Therefore, let us plunge headlong, metaphorically speaking, into the mythical blue river that watered the fertile fields of the Austro-Hungarian Empire.
08:41One, two, three...
08:43Is that why you love me?
08:46Because it'll be the last straw for Liz?
08:48Of course not.
08:50It's had a twist of pepper for the stew, though, doesn't it?
08:53The stew!
08:54What a romantic image.
08:56Not even a casserole.
08:57Peter, I can't give you romantic images.
09:00What I can promise you, my darling, is that I really will try never to say anything even remotely hurtful to you.
09:07Good God.
09:11Who are those idiots?
09:13My two best friends and my daughter-in-law.
09:16Oh, sorry.
09:20Hello.
09:21Hello, hello, hello.
09:24Well, what are you?
09:25Set of traffic lights?
09:26Peppers.
09:27You what?
09:28Red, green and yellow peppers.
09:29Symbolise our vegetarian restaurant.
09:31Oh, I see you're advertising your business even at my farewell, do I?
09:34No room for shrieking violence in business, Tenor.
09:37Oh, rather look.
09:38Please unruly to a book of Congress as Queen Elizabeth.
09:41Betty, dignity.
09:42As befits the Joint Managing Director of Silladil.
09:44Oh, heavens, yes.
09:47They look identical.
09:48Oh, Lord.
09:49I must go to...
09:50Whichever thing I decide, I feel sorry is foremost.
09:56I know.
09:57Simone de Beauvoir would never have been seen dead dressed as a green pepper.
10:00I never said anything.
10:02Haven't you come as anything?
10:03I can't.
10:04I might get bleeped.
10:05What?
10:06The news desk have given us bleepers in case big stories break suddenly.
10:09I mean, I couldn't go on a big story dressed as a parson, could I?
10:12Well, you wouldn't go during Ted's farewell party.
10:14Would you?
10:15I might have to.
10:16True radio reporter's never off duty.
10:18You know what I mean?
10:19Might be a big ecological disaster.
10:20Every fish in the garden poisoned by leaking drums of cyanide.
10:24Couldn't have stuffed myself on smoked salmon while those poor silver-bellied fish are gasping for life, could I?
10:28Of course you couldn't.
10:30Oh, I shouldn't have said...
10:31Oh, Elvis.
10:34Oh, Lord, those poor fish.
10:35I think I'm going to cry.
10:36Well, champagne or...
10:42Ted, you may not have noticed, but...
10:44At the grand opening of Silly Toes.
10:46We both got to...
10:47Slightly inebriated.
10:48Showed us the error of our ways.
10:50Oh, I see.
10:51You've given up drinking for good.
10:52No, we've got a full licence.
10:54You don't have to be miserable, do you, vegetarian?
10:56Oh, well, no.
10:57How's business?
10:58Good.
10:59Very good.
10:59Oh, well, good.
11:01No, I mean that.
11:02It's good.
11:02Good.
11:03I'm glad you mean it, Teddy.
11:04No, I do, I do.
11:05I really do mean it.
11:06Yes, well, we believe you.
11:08Good, because I do.
11:09I really do mean it.
11:11Our prospects are good.
11:13Corinna's made a flying visit to Nairobi and negotiated for four prime sites for our restaurants.
11:18She says the prospects are very good.
11:20Good.
11:21Very good.
11:22Where is Corinna?
11:24Oh, it's the rift in the diamond.
11:27That's the floor in the loot.
11:28What is?
11:29Corinna's timekeeping.
11:31You know, she's a bit, she...
11:32Oh, look, excuse me.
11:35The penguin's eating all the salmon.
11:38Hope nothing's wrong.
11:40So do I.
11:41So do I.
11:42No, I really do.
11:44Good.
11:47Oh, hey.
11:49Simon.
11:51Lucinda.
11:52I'm Noel Coward.
11:53Of course you are.
11:55I'm Mae West.
11:59Quite a few people already.
12:01Yes, yes.
12:02You're going to have to do better than that.
12:04What?
12:05Well, as Noel Coward, you've got to be a bit more sparkling.
12:08Oh, yes.
12:08Right.
12:09Right.
12:09Absolutely.
12:09Oh, well, come on, Lucinda.
12:14Lucinda, say something outrageously provocative and sexy.
12:19Oh, Lorx.
12:20I don't know if I can.
12:23Oh.
12:25Come on.
12:25Hello, Noel.
12:32Come on, say something amazingly witty, then.
12:33Oh, belt up, you stupid twit.
12:36Oh, very good.
12:37Such elegance.
12:39Anybody got a pencil?
12:40I must try that down.
12:43I'm beginning to wonder whether this was such a good idea.
12:45Hello, Carol.
12:49You look...
12:51Ridiculous?
12:52No.
12:52Great.
12:54What are you?
12:55Mary Lloyd.
12:56Oh, right.
12:58Who?
12:59She was a legendary comedian and singer of musical songs.
13:02My dad had this thing about us of such a brown-up river.
13:04I know.
13:06Terrific.
13:06I like your outfit.
13:10Very inventive.
13:14Oh, ha.
13:16Carol.
13:16Oh, fantastic.
13:18You got Vesta Tilly off to a tea.
13:20And Mary Lloyd.
13:21Hmm?
13:22Oh.
13:22Oh, right.
13:23Right.
13:24Well, look, there's champagne, caviar, you know, asparagus, wild salmon, Dale Monsal.
13:29Enjoy yourself.
13:30Oh, look, he sounds like a clappy, don't he?
13:32Don't sound so surprised.
13:34Ted Simcox, quite a classy fellow.
13:36Come in.
13:45Don't tell me.
13:47You're the invisible man.
13:49That's right.
13:49And you're sweating in there, and you're wondering why the elder told you.
13:53Oh, bad luck.
13:58We've already got the policeman.
14:00Mr. Simcox?
14:01Yeah?
14:01I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you some questions.
14:03Oh.
14:04Oh, good.
14:05No, you've got all the chat.
14:06Would you like some champagne?
14:08I don't, but I'm on duty.
14:10Brilliant, yeah, brilliant.
14:11Brilliant.
14:12Brilliant original.
14:13That is.
14:13Well done.
14:13Well done.
14:14No, sir.
14:14I really am a police officer.
14:17Sergeant Mallet.
14:18B Division.
14:19Do you know a woman called Jessica Marden?
14:24No.
14:25Also known as Fiona Benbow-Jones?
14:29Also known as Corinna Price-Rogerson?
14:33Yes.
14:35Look, if this is a joke...
14:36I'm afraid it's no joke, sir.
14:38The woman, whose real name incidentally is Mavis Stant, has been arrested at the airport, trying to leave the country on a false passport.
14:46If this is a joke, you're in trouble, pal.
14:55It's no joke, sir.
14:57She's a con artist and a bigamist.
14:59I'm sorry, sir.
15:09Oh, hey.
15:13Profoundly, Doctor.
15:14I'm talking to my neck.
15:16Hello, hello, hello.
15:17I'm going to have to ask you to accompany us to the station.
15:19Oh, shut up, you twerk!
15:21Take it away, maestros.
15:42Enjoy yourselves?
15:43Oh, good.
15:44Good.
15:44You're out there.
15:46Well done.
15:46Well done.
15:49Ted's bearing down on the slits down.
15:51Well, if you won't dance with me, because it reminds you of dancing with Jane, I will dance with you just to avoid Ted.
15:57Hello, Ted.
15:58Oh, I just wanted to have a movie never.
16:01Nothing's private in our marriage, Ted.
16:03Do you remember what our children said?
16:04Marriage is a totality of shared experience.
16:08Yes.
16:09Pompous no old little pipsqueaks.
16:11Fat lot of good it did them.
16:14It's all right, no.
16:16You needn't go, Liz.
16:18Thank you, sir.
16:18It's just that I find apologising difficult.
16:21Well, I thought you'd get enough practice.
16:23How do you understand why I wanted to talk to Neville alone?
16:26Sorry.
16:28Sorry.
16:29Neville, it's just that, um...
16:31I'm sorry if I was a bit rude and angry at you.
16:36Don't worry, Ted.
16:37I'm used to it.
16:38I always try and be pleasant to people, and then I think, oh, Lord, they're going to be rude to me.
16:42And they are.
16:43It gives me a certain grim satisfaction at my accurate prediction.
16:46Yes, it's just that, um, you know, you're dressed as a policeman, and they're being a real policeman here.
16:54I just, um...
16:55Why is the real policeman here?
16:56Oh, um, he came with a message from Corinna.
17:01She can't come.
17:03No, she's, um, not well.
17:05She's got a touch of the flu.
17:07Has she rang the police?
17:09Yeah, well, she forgot the name of the hotel.
17:11Um, you know, she's, uh, not feeling herself, poor darling.
17:15She's, uh, semi-delirious.
17:17And the police came to tell you.
17:19They claim they're grossly undermanned.
17:21Yes.
17:22See, I was so that disappointed about hearing about Corinna that I, you know, I just flew off the, uh...
17:29Yes.
17:31So sorry.
17:32Sorry.
17:39Good.
17:41Enjoying yourselves?
17:42Good, that's the ideal one.
17:43What's wrong, Ted?
17:48I mean, what's wrong?
17:48Nothing's wrong.
17:51You can't believe that things can go all right for me, can you?
17:54They can go all right.
17:55They are right.
17:55Nothing's wrong.
17:56All right.
17:57You don't live with somebody for 25 years without getting to know them, and I know that something is very wrong.
18:06It's Corinna.
18:08She's gone.
18:10Gone?
18:12Gone.
18:13It's gone.
18:15None of it was true, Rita.
18:17Not even her name.
18:20Now I've been conned, made Ted Simcoe, man of the world, blunt, no-nonsense Yorkshireman, true businessman conned, because of love.
18:31Oh, Ted.
18:35Oh, Ted.
18:37Did you ever really...
18:39No.
18:41What?
18:42What?
18:42I never really what?
18:43Oh.
18:44Well, I'm...
18:45Oh, Lord, I can't say it.
18:48Rita, I'm about you a businessman with strong character and personality.
18:54Now, don't patronize me.
18:55Oh.
18:56Right.
18:58Well.
18:59I mean, didn't it ever strike you as rather unbelievable that a beautiful, elegant, sophisticated, wealthy virgin should fall head over heels in the with you at first sight?
19:14Well, now, didn't it?
19:18Well, yes.
19:20No, yes, of course.
19:21I mean, no, I was suspicious from the word go.
19:24I mean, I was right from the start.
19:25I thought, hey, oh, Ted, I thought, oh, what's this one's game?
19:28You know, double barrel give over, father and bishop, entire family conveniently in Africa.
19:34Rita, oh, no, come on, pull the other one.
19:37I mean, she's a tarty piece underneath.
19:41But.
19:43But.
19:45But, love.
19:48I loved her, Rita.
19:50Oh, Ted.
19:53Forgetter.
19:54Forgetter?
19:54How can I?
19:55The cow's gone off with all my money.
19:57Money?
19:58What money?
19:58I didn't think you had any money.
19:59Yes, well, Rodney gave me quite a whack for the foundry, and it was a prime sight.
20:04But, you went bankrupt, didn't you tell us the creditors?
20:07Oh, you don't give it all, do you?
20:10I kept some back.
20:12Oh, I did, I snatched a bit away.
20:14A secret account in Jersey.
20:15What do you think I am, naive?
20:18Well, perhaps just slightly naive, if you gave it all to Karina.
20:23Especially as you said you knew she wasn't what she said she was.
20:26She showed me all the deeds.
20:28A prime restaurant hotel in Nairobi, a corner sight in Mogadishu.
20:32And, I mean, I never dreamt that...
20:36I mean...
20:37Oh.
20:40You're always blind.
20:42And you know what sexual passion is like.
20:45I do now, yes.
20:48Rita!
20:49I'm sorry, Ted.
20:50I didn't...
20:52Oh, it's just that...
20:53What I found with Jeff is...
20:56They're so unexpected.
20:57So utterly good that I feel the need to shout about it.
21:02I'm only human, I'm sorry.
21:07I've hardly got anything left.
21:10Enough to pay for this, ma.
21:12Perhaps.
21:15I'm really, Rita.
21:17Champagne, sir, madam?
21:19No, thank you.
21:20Well, perhaps just a drop.
21:24I don't want to break the bank.
21:26Oh, very good.
21:27Very droll.
21:28Don't want to break the bank.
21:30Oh, madam is a wag.
21:33What will you do?
21:39Tomorrow I'll cry.
21:40But today...
21:45Do you want the party?
21:51God, nay.
21:52Betty.
21:53Eh?
21:54Friendship.
21:54Well, if you aren't waggy.
21:56What's happened, Ted?
21:57Nothing's happened.
21:59Something had to have happened before I can tell you how much I value your friendship.
22:02No, of course not.
22:03You're ridiculous, Ted.
22:04What's happened?
22:05Nothing's happened, for God's sake.
22:07I mean, no, sorry.
22:08I'm sorry.
22:09I'm sorry.
22:09No.
22:10It's just, um...
22:11Well, it's just...
22:13Seeing you two sitting over here, making utter prats of yourselves.
22:17I've got a great surge of warmth going after you.
22:21What do you mean, making utter prats of ourselves, then?
22:24Well, you know, sitting here dressed as peppers.
22:26Oh, Lord, thank God.
22:29What do you mean prats?
22:31Hmm?
22:31Well, I mean, you know.
22:33I mean, everybody else I've dressed like Napoleon, Noel Coward, Queen Elizabeth I, well, to Queen Elizabeth I.
22:39Oh, yes.
22:40Oh, yes.
22:41And then, you two, peppers.
22:43I'm ridiculous.
22:45I see.
22:46I see nothing ridiculous coming as peppers.
22:48It's a little less pretentious than identifying with Napoleon.
22:51Well said, Rodney.
22:52It needed to be said.
22:53Our costumes symbolise not only our business.
22:55Which is unimportant comparatively.
22:57They symbolise healthy eating.
22:59Organic eating.
23:00We come as organic peppers.
23:01Incidentally, with no pesticides.
23:03They also symbolise the environment.
23:06Environment?
23:08Bread for danger, because it's in danger.
23:10Yes, and green for green, because it's the solution.
23:14And yellow?
23:19Birth control.
23:20Absolutely.
23:21But why?
23:22Yellow for fighting the population explosion, because one in three people in the world is born Chinese.
23:28Oh, that is clever, Rodney.
23:31I love him.
23:32And I love her.
23:35Next, in more modern fame.
23:38A tune forever associated with a star long dead, but still shining brightly in the showbiz constellation.
23:47Or is he dead?
23:49Rumours that he has been sighted are rife.
23:51Death, of whom do I speak?
23:54I'll give you a clue.
23:56It isn't Hitler.
23:59Yes, you guessed it.
24:01It's Elvis.
24:04Elvis, ignore it.
24:05I was ignoring it until you said ignore it.
24:08Oh, don't let's around.
24:09I couldn't bear it.
24:10It mustn't ever around.
24:12Come on, dance.
24:13Show people you don't mind being called Elvis.
24:15I do mind.
24:16Well, all the more reason for showing them you don't, then.
24:18Geoffrey, may I borrow Rita?
24:27She isn't a library book, Ted.
24:28Thank you, Geoffrey.
24:30Ted, you asking me to dance?
24:33Well, they're playing my music.
24:35Reminds me of a me rap.
24:39It does look.
24:43You don't really find her attractive.
24:46Yes, I do.
24:47Very much.
24:47Do you disapprove?
24:49Of course.
24:50Why, of course?
24:51She isn't one of us.
24:52She's dumb glass.
24:53Oh, of course.
24:54How dreadful of me.
24:55You may mock her, Mrs. England.
24:57Surely that doesn't matter these days, please, even in England.
25:00It's still important to some people.
25:02Not everything this country once stood for has been lost.
25:05Along with my magnolia.
25:06Rita's father was a common little man who spoke in public about breaking wind.
25:10He didn't use those words.
25:12He was difficult.
25:13What is the opposite of the infamous one?
25:15A mouth for me.
25:16Good heavens.
25:20And the vulgarity will come out in Rita, who will start behaving like a common little fishwife.
25:25A phrase I've always thought very unfair to fishwives.
25:27To answer to all common these days is extremely rare.
25:30You're worried that when I take her to the anthropologist's dinner, she'll ask all the other anthropologists how often they part.
25:37You've always hated me, haven't you?
25:39Yes.
25:50Enjoying yourselves?
25:51No.
25:52Becoming as an old coward has been the biggest mistake of my life.
25:55It's shown me what a dimwit I have.
25:57The brains we inherit are a matter of luck, Simon.
26:00So if you find that you're, well, not thick exactly.
26:03Charming.
26:04Who'd have sisters?
26:06Well, you called yourself a dimwit.
26:07It's all right for Simon to say it.
26:09It's not all right for anyone else to say it.
26:11Right.
26:12No risk of you being called thick.
26:14No.
26:15Just wet.
26:16You what?
26:17Coming as Mae West has shown me how crabby and inhibited and English I am.
26:22I've been going out with Simon for weeks, and I haven't once said, come up and see me sometime.
26:28Nor has he said to me, come up and see him sometime.
26:32No, I want to save.
26:34Save what?
26:36All that.
26:37You see?
26:39Passion.
26:40Sex.
26:40Our writhing intertwined bodies.
26:43Who's seen that?
26:43And what does Simon call it?
26:45All that.
26:46He's as bad as me.
26:47But, sweetie bombs, if I'd gone on after that, what would I have said?
26:51I want to save all that.
26:53Until?
26:54Until what?
26:55Until we're married.
26:57Yes.
26:59Is this a proposal?
27:03Well, yes.
27:06Yes, I suppose it is.
27:08Will you marry me?
27:10Well, yes.
27:11I suppose I will.
27:15Aw.
27:17Congratulations.
27:18A union of true estate agents.
27:19Elvis.
27:20Simon may be thick and Lucinda may be wet, but between them they ought to be able to find a really nice house to be thick and wet in.
27:25Elvis, don't be stupid.
27:27But he is stupid.
27:28Well, I am clever enough not to come in fancy dress.
27:31An old coward who can't be witty, a Mae West who can't be sexy, and a married Lord who can't sing.
27:35Ladies and gentlemen, a lovely young lady, Miss Carol Fortingbridge, alias the legendary Miss Mary Lloyd, will now transport you back across the great prairies of time to the vintage years of the music hall.
27:51You do still love me, do you?
28:20There you go, sir.
28:29One pint of diesel, tickety-boo.
28:31You're a man of the world, sir.
28:34Now, recipe books, because I do a bit of kooking, I find it therapeutic, but they often stipulate shallots.
28:39Now, where can you get shallots in this town?
28:41You tell me.
28:42That's better.
28:45Black is my mood.
28:48Thank your pardon, sir.
28:49I was just watching that girl and their carol, pretty lively, bright, life ahead of her.
28:58And I was thinking about all my life, behind me, a mess of you.
29:06A mess of you?
29:07Oh, I find that hard to believe.
29:09You're a man of substance, a man was sorry to lose, and there aren't many others left.
29:13Total and utter mess.
29:15Yes, well, you can sometimes get them little pickling onions, but they aren't shallots, are they?
29:26Aren't they a long train?
29:27The crumb will not be about a bit, about a bit.
29:30Outside the honour of the crumb will last Saturday night.
29:35I was one of the ruined, the crumb will not be about a bit.
29:40It's time to silence the strings and put a lid on the ivories for a few moments.
29:58Mr. Neville Badger would like to address a few words to your host.
30:02Oh, dear.
30:03Oh, heck.
30:06News desk.
30:07Oh, not now.
30:09Hello, hello, hello.
30:11It's a fair cop.
30:12Oh, Neville.
30:14Ladies and gentlemen, penguins, peppers and polar bears, today is a very sad day.
30:20You can say that again.
30:22A very sad day.
30:23Ted Simcock is leaving us.
30:26Nairobi's gain is our loss.
30:29Many of us here today, and not gone tomorrow, though he will be, may never see that loved and trusted face again.
30:38Don't overdo it.
30:41Tonight, Ted has laid on a fabulous due.
30:43The champagne has flowed.
30:45The caviar has gone down like...
30:47A lead balloon.
30:48Well, like caviar.
30:50We've had music.
30:51Almost.
30:52Almost.
30:52We've had dancing.
30:54Sadly, one important person has missed our junketings.
30:57Her name is Corinna Price Rogerson.
30:59Oh, no, it isn't.
31:01Why is she not here?
31:03Should I tell them?
31:04She's indisposed.
31:06Never mind.
31:08I don't mean never mind she's indisposed.
31:10We all mind.
31:11Oh, Neville.
31:13I mean we will continue to enjoy ourselves.
31:15Speak for yourself.
31:16We will enjoy ourselves despite her sad absence, which makes the heart grow fonder.
31:21And so say all of us.
31:23This isn't the time for speeches.
31:25Shut up, then.
31:26So I'd like to end...
31:28Hooray.
31:29By asking you all to join me...
31:31Oh, no.
31:32In singing...
31:33Oh, Lord.
31:34For he's a jolly good fellow.
31:36Oh, heck.
31:38For he's a jolly good fellow.
31:40For he's a jolly good fellow.
31:43For he's a jolly good fellow.
31:46And so say all of us.
31:48And so say all of us.
31:50And so say all of us.
31:53For he's a jolly good fellow.
31:55For he's a jolly good fellow.
31:57For he's a jolly good fellow
31:59And so say all of us
32:03Thank you, thank you
32:08Ladies and gentlemen
32:12I'm, um, I'm overcome
32:15No, I mean, I'm, um, I'm overcome
32:19Oh, the way you all sang that song
32:23Oh, the revelation of how you all feel about me
32:27Was, um, that was a, well, it was a revelation
32:31Um, but ladies and gentlemen
32:35Don't regard this as goodbye
32:39More au revoir
32:42I will probably be seeing you all again sooner than you think
32:48Hooray! Shut up!
32:51So, uh, no sadness, eh?
32:56Oh, Lord
32:58Sentimental old fool
33:01I'm, I'm, thank you
33:04Thank you
33:05Sir Paul, he's been arrested
33:13Arrested? What for?
33:15There's been a big demonstration
33:16He threw an egg at the Prime Minister
33:18Did it hit? Was it free range?
33:19Was it infected with salmonella?
33:22Well, you bell top, bell top
33:24The lot of you
33:24Do you realise who I am?
33:33Look, I'm Ted Simcock
33:35One time owner of the Jupiter Foundry
33:37I got friends who are masons
33:41If you don't let me in there
33:42You're on your way out, pal
33:44That jumped up little egg there behind his reinforced glass
33:50Won't let us see our son
33:52You've put his back up, haven't you?
33:54You've got to treat people right, Ted
33:56Good evening, officer
34:00My name is Rita Simcock
34:03Councillor Rita Simcock
34:04Now, I know that this is a very busy time for you
34:08Weekend evening
34:09But I'm very, very concerned about my son
34:12And I should very, very much appreciate it
34:14If you would let me speak to him for just a few moments
34:18No
34:19No, I'm sorry, mana
34:21But at present we've got nobody to supervise a visit
34:23So we've got this student demonstration
34:25Two road accidents
34:26One armed robbery
34:27And the usual tribal warfare between lagerlouts
34:30Oh, we were at a fancy dress party
34:37I'd guessed
34:38The level of intelligence in the force
34:41Isn't quite as low as it's sometimes painted
34:43Huh
34:45What's happened?
34:56We've got to wait
34:57I must have a word with Ted
35:02Must you?
35:07I hope you appreciated my little speech, Ted
35:09No
35:10Oh, what?
35:12I wanted to strangle you
35:13I might yet
35:14There are times when I'm glad you're going to Nairobi
35:17Oh, belt up about Nairobi
35:18You know nothing
35:19He insulted me
35:28What did you expect?
35:44Oh, have a seat, madam
35:51Oh, thank you
35:52It's my son
35:54I beg your pardon?
35:56My eldest
35:56He's disappeared
35:57Oh, no
35:59Oh, I am sorry
36:00When did this happen?
36:02Well, he didn't come home last night
36:03But I didn't think out about it
36:05He stays with his friends sometimes
36:06You know, young people
36:07So I wasn't right bothered
36:09But his friend hasn't seen him
36:10Oh, dear
36:11Was he...
36:12Did he seem unhappy at home?
36:14Oh, it's difficult to tell
36:15He hasn't talked much lately
36:17Not to say talk
36:18He used to talk
36:20When he did talk
36:20About what a dump this place is
36:22He hankered after London
36:23Well, they do, don't they?
36:26I fear so
36:27They hanker away
36:28Awfully worrying for you, though
36:30Oh, I am sorry
36:32Well, thank you
36:33So
36:36What are you going to do about it?
36:39What do you mean
36:39What are you going to do about it?
36:41What do you mean
36:42What do you mean
36:42What are you going to do about it?
36:44I mean
36:45What are you going to do about it?
36:47I'm not going to do anything about it
36:48Why should I do anything about it?
36:50Well, you're a policeman
36:51Oh
36:52Oh, Lord
36:53Yes
36:54No
36:55You what?
36:57I'm not a policeman
36:57I'm at a fancy dress party
36:59I mean, I was
37:01I'm here now
37:03But my wife's daughter
37:05By her first marriage's husband
37:06Has thrown an egg
37:07At the Prime Minister
37:08So why did you ask me
37:09All them questions?
37:10I thought you wanted to talk about it
37:12I was being kind
37:13You great twazzock
37:14This is absurd, Liz
37:23Not speaking at a time like this
37:25It's absurd
37:26Tell her, Geoffrey
37:27Don't start using Geoffrey as a mediator, Rita
37:29He isn't exactly neutral
37:31Exposure to tropical weather has unhinged his brain
37:33He hates me and he loves you
37:35Oh, Liz, you spoke to me
37:37Hardly honeyed words, but it's a start
37:39I'll speak to you briefly, Rita
37:41Just to say that I never thought I'd find myself in one of these places
37:44I have never been so humiliated in all my life
37:48I know
37:49Contact with real life
37:51Absolutely remarkable
37:52So this is where it's all led to
37:54The disastrous mingling of our two families
37:56If you so hate the disastrous mingling of our two families
38:00Perhaps you shouldn't have mingled so disastrously with my husband at our children's wedding
38:05I think I may go back to study the headhunters of Borneo
38:11Do with a bit of peace and quiet
38:14Oh, they're back
38:28Don't look
38:29It isn't stylish, isn't curiosity
38:33No, really neat
38:34It's not concomitant with our stakeholders of leading business people
38:37We're living proof of profit and environment and can go together
38:41Absolutely
38:41There's something wrong, though
38:44Oh, I know
38:45Elvis and Jenny are back, too
38:49Go and pump Rita Taffley without seeming to pump her
38:53Sandra!
39:02Sandra
39:02I only do that when you're around
39:05I've only broken one plate in the last six weeks
39:08Sandra, Sandra, you were right
39:11You what?
39:12About Corinna, you were right
39:14She was a tarty piece
39:17I know
39:17She was
39:18Yes, was
39:20Oh
39:22Well
39:24Yes, she conned me out of all my money and she disappeared off the face of the earth
39:29Well, you should have stayed with me then, shouldn't you?
39:34Yes, Sandra
39:35I should
39:39Hello, Rita
39:43Well, we haven't seen you around for an hour or so
39:47No
39:48No, not Ted
39:49Oh, he's over there
39:51Oh, yes, I know he's over there, but before he was over there, he wasn't over anywhere for ages
39:54And, well, we wondered if something had happened
39:56Well, as a matter of fact, something else happened
39:58Oh
39:59And, er, something else has happened as well
40:01Oh, dear
40:02Well, I mean, unless they were pleasant
40:04Well, one of them was rather old pleasant
40:06Oh, dear
40:07Er, and the other one was much worse
40:09Oh, dear
40:10Well, er, I mean, it's not about business, of course
40:13That's right
40:14But, as your friends, well, and as your employers, if you ever felt the need to, you know, confide in us
40:21We wouldn't mind, we'd always be prepared to listen
40:23I know that
40:24Thank you, Betty
40:26And if I ever do want to confide in you, I will
40:28Oh, thank you
40:29I love you dearly, Betty
40:31And I love working at Silly Toes
40:33But if I ever wanted to publicise anything in this town, what I would do would be
40:37I would tell you
40:39And then I would tell you it was a secret
40:41Oh, Rita
40:44You do still love me, don't you?
40:53I'm a fool
40:54Good party, isn't it?
40:58Yeah
40:59I can't decide whether the Halifax Building Society or the Allied Dunbar mob take the palm for inventiveness
41:07No
41:07Ted certainly seems to be moving in financial circles these days, isn't he?
41:15Yes, round and round
41:17Is something wrong now?
41:20Some men can't ride horses, Simon
41:23Other men can't swim
41:24I can't converse
41:26I don't understand
41:27Precisely
41:28Conversation
41:29I can't manage it
41:30I'm considered a pretty good lawyer
41:32Down at Badger, Badger, Fox and Badger
41:34I'm considered a pretty good sort of social fellow on the golf course
41:37Do's?
41:39I'm a nightmare
41:39Best avoided
41:40Snack
41:41Pardon?
41:42Coming as an old coward brought it home to me
41:45No wit
41:47Neville
41:50I must have loved my father
41:54In a funny sort of way
41:56Because I missed him after he died
41:59And I resented your marrying my mother
42:02But I think it's worked out surprisingly well
42:07Well, no, not surprising
42:09Yes, yes, I think it has, Simon
42:11I wonder
42:14If you'd mind
42:17Or find it absurd
42:19If I tried
42:23Calling you father
42:25Good Lord
42:27Good Lord
42:28No
42:28Not if I can try
42:31Calling you son
42:32Son
42:34Not a bad conversation
42:36For two chaps
42:37They're no good at it
42:37Father
42:38Pretty good
42:40Son
42:41I'd kiss you if we were French
42:44I might even know we aren't
42:46If you weren't dressed as an old coward
42:48Darling, I'm very happy
42:52Neville
42:52Simon just called me father
42:54Delicious, absurd moment
42:56I thought you meant you were happy with me
42:57I did
42:58I am
42:58That's the whole point
42:59He'd call me father
43:00Because he knows we're happy
43:01We are
43:02Excellent news
43:03I was dreading this evening
43:04But I needn't have
43:05I've enjoyed it
43:06Just as much as I ever did with Jane
43:08I've spoiled it, haven't I?
43:12Ruin the moment
43:13Trampled all over the carpet of life
43:16With your great money
43:17This conversation
43:18I'm such a mug at it
43:20Oh, no
43:22Carol
43:26Now that we've come face to face
43:29Yes
43:30I hope you don't resent me for taking Elvis
43:34Oh, well
43:35I'm not taking him
43:37Because I mean it was over between you and him
43:38Before he and I
43:39Yes, well, if I was going to resent you
43:42I shouldn't have started you, should I?
43:45What do you mean?
43:46Having my one night's family with Paul
43:48I'm not going with Elvis to get back at you for going with Paul, Carol
43:52I love him
43:54If you spent less time worrying about sex and fellas, Jenny
43:56You might have more time for the important things in life
43:59Like animal rights
44:01The third world
44:02The ozone layer
44:04And feminism
44:05Because they're a dead loss, Jenny
44:07Sex and fellas
44:08Jenny, Jenny
44:12The very person
44:13Come on
44:13Come on, a word
44:15Jenny, listen
44:17You've always believed in telling the truth, haven't you?
44:19Well, yes, Ted
44:20Yes, if you don't, it'll follow you
44:23Chase you relentlessly
44:25Well, yes, Ted
44:26Yes
44:27And if it's got to come out
44:29It's best you let it out yourself
44:31Well, yes, Ted
44:34Yes
44:34Yes, wise words, Jenny
44:36Wise words, yes
44:37Thank you
44:38I'll take your advice
44:39Thank you
44:39It's time to leave the sunshine and spaghetti
44:45Whisk ourselves over the giant alpine ranges
44:48To the thunder and dumplings of Germany
44:51Yes, it's
44:52Arrivederci, Roma
44:54And guten Tag, Schwarzwald
44:56Oh, but wait
44:57Our host wishes to have a word
44:59Our walk in the Black Forest must be briefly postponed
45:03Sir
45:07Thank you
45:08Thank you very much, dear
45:09Thank you
45:10Ladies and gentlemen
45:13This evening was held as a farewell for myself and Corinna
45:18But, er
45:20Well, there is no farewell
45:22Because there is no Corinna
45:25She, er
45:26She's gone
45:28She, she was, um
45:30She was a con woman
45:33A con, er
45:35A con person
45:36As the feminists amongst you might say
45:38There you are, you see
45:41I can still laugh
45:42Even if none of you can
45:43I mean, I, um
45:47I was, er
45:49Sad, yes
45:49I mean, I was wretched
45:51At that time
45:52I'm not any longer
45:53No, I'm not
45:54No, I'm happy
45:55Because, er
45:56Because why?
45:59Because
45:59It means that, er
46:01I will be staying here amongst you, my friends
46:04You see, because tonight, ladies and gentlemen
46:08I have
46:09And I really, I really mean this
46:12I have realised
46:13That you, my friends
46:15Are the people who really matter to me
46:18And I will be staying here
46:21With you
46:22And I'm
46:23No, I'm, you know
46:24I'm glad
46:25No, I am
46:26I really am
46:27So, um
46:29That's all
46:31Thank you
46:31Now, please, er
46:33Just, you know
46:33Enjoy your walk in the Black Forest
46:35A brave speech
46:36Come on now
46:37All together
46:38For he
46:39Not that Johnny
46:39Again, you
46:40Steaming
46:41Great
46:42Pellock
46:43That was a brave speech, Ted
46:57I almost understood again what it was I once saw in you
47:00When you say things like that
47:02I totally fail to understand what I once saw in you
47:05I don't know
47:09Don't
47:09Don't say anything
47:11Oh, no, I won't
47:12Don't worry
47:13My lips are sealed
47:14My conversational days are over
47:15I shall embarrass you no more
47:16From now on
47:17I shall make Trappist monks seem like compulsive gossips
47:20Do shut up, nevermore
47:22Well done, Ted
47:31Very well done, indeed
47:34Thank you, Rita
47:35That's it
47:36I should never trust another woman again
47:38Oh, come on, Ted
47:39Don't be stupid
47:40Don't judge all women by her
47:43There are some women you can trust
47:44And some women you can't trust
47:46Just as there are so many you can trust
47:48And so many you can't trust
47:49It's just that there aren't as many many you can trust
47:51Trust you to fling that in
47:52I'm one you could have trusted, Ted
47:55I'm happy now
47:59And I want you to be happy, too
48:02So find a woman you can trust, Ted
48:05And trust her
48:19Where's he going now?
48:21Look at me
48:22You wanted me?
48:31Yes, sir
48:32Yes, Sandra, I wanted you
48:34I, er...
48:35You are what?
48:38Oh, Sandra
48:40Uh, I was wondering
48:42Um...
48:45Yes, Ted
48:45What were you wondering?
48:47Um...
48:48Well, I was wondering
48:49Let's say we go out
48:53One evening
48:55Get knotted
48:57Knotted
48:58...
49:11Okay, so you can see
49:12What's your name?
49:13You can see
49:14You can see
49:15You can see
49:15You can see
49:16You can see
49:17You can see
49:18You can see
49:18You can see
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