- 1 week ago
(Brightened HD copy). Very British comedy-drama series about social life, with British humour, witty dialogue, starring David Jason, Michael Jayston, Gwen Taylor, Paul Chapman, Nicola Pagett, Sarah-Jane Holm, David Thewlis, Tim Wylton, Stephanie Cole, Nigel Hastings, Wayne Foskett. Written by David Nobbs.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00I'd love to, Annie, but I can't.
00:14No, we've got a bit of a do-on.
00:18Dentist dinner dance.
00:21Well, Paul's wife's father's invited us.
00:25But we don't want to go.
00:27They don't want us to go.
00:30I mean, isn't there enough misery in the world
00:31without people feeling they've got to be sociable?
00:34Yeah.
00:39A bit of a do.
00:43A bit of a do.
00:47Smiling faces in public places.
00:51Getting to know the in-laws much better than expected.
00:54A bit of a do.
00:56Invited to a bit of a do.
00:59It's a small town, posh, posh affair.
01:06Best behavior, being aware of others who are doing it too.
01:14Others who are seeing through you.
01:16A bit of a do.
01:21All tickety-poo.
01:25The bride's dimension attracts attention.
01:29A scruffy young groom who defies convention.
01:33A bit of a do.
01:34Bit of a do.
01:36Invited to a bit of a do.
01:39In Peru, they drink a thing called Pisco Sour.
01:55Lawrence, don't bore Larry to death over Peru.
01:58He hasn't paid you for his gold bridge, yeah?
02:00Your wife is stunning.
02:04Yes.
02:05Its base is the local brandy.
02:07She must have been a sensation in Peru.
02:09Yes.
02:10Mixed with lemon juice and beaten white of egg.
02:13Surprisingly enough, it tastes quite good.
02:16God.
02:17Paul's parents are in evening dress.
02:19Ted, Rita, lovely to see you.
02:27Larry Benson, Ted and Rita Simcock.
02:29How do you do?
02:30We're linked by wedlock.
02:31Jenny married their Paul in July.
02:33I'm sorry, Lawrence.
02:34Ted said it was evening dress.
02:36Yes, no, I'm sorry.
02:36I thought it was.
02:37No, never mind.
02:38You look terribly distinguished.
02:39What will you have?
02:40A whiskey.
02:41I'll just have a whiskey.
02:41A weak gin and tonic, please.
02:45What did his wife see in him?
02:47She could have had anybody.
02:49She's an amazingly lovely woman.
02:51Oh, is she?
02:52I can't say anything.
02:55Yes, yes, I suppose.
02:56I suppose she, um...
02:57Are you a dentist, are you, Barry?
03:00Larry.
03:01No, I'm in kitchens.
03:03Oh, so am I most of the time.
03:05That's probably why I'm not amazingly lovely.
03:09Are you a dentist, Fred?
03:12Ted, Ted.
03:13No, no, no, no.
03:14I own a little forge-type, foundry-type of effort we make.
03:17Fire irons, you know, door knockers,
03:18toasting falls, would I have anything to do?
03:20I expect you've heard of us, the Jupiter foundry.
03:22No.
03:24Well, excuse, I must go and rescue my lady wife.
03:30Rita.
03:31I want to go home.
03:32Rita.
03:32Is this some kind of memory training, like the Americans?
03:35Do you keep repeating my name for fear one day you'll forget it?
03:37Rita?
03:38Well, you've no interest in me.
03:40Well, that's rubbish.
03:41That's absolute, absolute rubbish.
03:43If I on earth gave you the idea it was evening dress, I feel awful.
03:47Rita, love, will you just brazen it out?
03:49Now, come on, show a bit of style.
03:50I haven't got any style.
03:52I don't like style.
03:55I don't trust style.
03:56Not having any style's my style.
04:00Here we are.
04:00Oh.
04:01Right.
04:02Right.
04:02Thanks.
04:03Cheers.
04:04Cheers.
04:04Cheers.
04:04Cheers.
04:04How's business, Ted?
04:11Absolutely.
04:12Absolutely.
04:13You?
04:13Hmm?
04:14Ah.
04:14Oh, no, no.
04:15Things are on the move again.
04:16Yes, I'm pinning great hopes and our new novelty boot scrapers with the faces of famous
04:21prime ministers.
04:22My word.
04:23That sounds, uh...
04:25That is...
04:27new.
04:28I've got them in the car if you'd like to see them.
04:31Well, I'd love to, but I don't want to put you to any trouble.
04:33No trouble, no trouble.
04:34I'd love to see what you think, actually.
04:36Uh, hold on back now for a minute.
04:37Oh.
04:41How was the south of France?
04:42Oh, very nice, considering.
04:44We only had rain the one day, but he came out in this terrible prickly heat.
04:50Oh, dear.
04:50Where?
04:51Well, it...
04:52It was in rather an awkward place.
04:55I meant in what town?
04:57Oh, Avignon.
04:59Had to give the bridge a miss.
05:03In Peru?
05:04The weather is usually very predictable.
05:06It's dry in the dry season and wet in the wet season.
05:08Well, I suppose it would be.
05:10Yes, but funnily enough, when we were there, it wasn't at all.
05:13It had all gone topsy-turvy.
05:15It's all these satellites.
05:16Nice.
05:17This time last year, she could have danced till dawn.
05:23I'm sorry.
05:24Oh, Neville.
05:26Embarrassing, isn't it?
05:27The man keeps breaking down in public just because his wife's died, and him one of the
05:31town's leading solicitors.
05:32It's funny how you can never tell the ones with no moral fibre.
05:35Yeah, would it be absurd?
05:37Oh, dear Neville.
05:39Excuse me.
05:41Other people's tragedies seem so desperately boring, don't they?
05:44What?
05:45Oh, Neville, no.
05:46You could never bore me.
05:48No.
05:49No.
05:49I was just intrigued to know what Ted's showing my husband.
05:54There you are.
05:55Clement Attlee.
05:57Amazing.
05:57Yeah, well, you've got to have them these days, haven't you, gimmicks?
06:00I mean, who could resist scraping his boots on the man who nationalised the railways?
06:05What have we got here?
06:06What have we got here?
06:07That's Winston Churchill.
06:09Oh, all right.
06:12Yeah, well, it has to be bipartisan, you know, I suppose.
06:15I suppose so, yeah.
06:15Do you have one of the present incumbent?
06:17Er, no, no, I tried, but the mould cracked.
06:20Dad?
06:21Yeah, which point?
06:21Dad, they won't let Paul in without a tie.
06:24Oh, the silly boy.
06:26Do you know how many wars there have been in the world since the Second World War?
06:31Pardon?
06:31I'll tell you.
06:33Lots.
06:35Well, in the context of all that misery, does it matter whether Paul wears a tie?
06:39Of course not.
06:39So why is he making such a fuss?
06:41He isn't.
06:43Society is.
06:44I mean, what difference does a tie make to his worth as a human being?
06:47Well, none at all, but it makes a hell of a difference to whether he gets any dinner
06:50or not.
06:51You all enjoy laughing at us, don't you?
06:54Well, maybe we are naive, but it's better than dying of terminal smugglers.
06:58I have a dental association tie in the car, Jenny.
07:02If he's no rooted objection to Maroon.
07:04Well, the nastier, the better.
07:05He won't care if he's got four cross-molars and a ratchad abscess.
07:07Why did you have to show him your book, Scrape?
07:11Because, Rita, love, there is no room for shrinking violets in business.
07:14This isn't business, Ted.
07:16This is social life.
07:17All right, Rita, I know.
07:18I'll put them back in the car.
07:19Oh, no, don't leave me on me own again, Ted.
07:21Rita, for God's sake, love, will you circulate?
07:24Will you mingle?
07:25Try to cement our social credibility.
07:28Go on.
07:29Liz, will you please stop wiggling and blowing kisses?
07:35She'll see you.
07:36I must see you outside.
07:46Liz, we were dead lucky getting away with it at the wedding reception.
07:50I mean, aren't our Tuesdays enough for you, eh?
07:52No, actually, they aren't.
07:53Oh, yeah.
07:55Does he turn you on doing it in the middle of do's, eh?
07:58He's probably got a medical name, you know.
08:00Function Mania.
08:02Do-itis.
08:03All right, we can do it in here if we're careful.
08:05Liz!
08:06Talk!
08:06I'm talking about talking.
08:07I have something to tell you.
08:09She's watching, she's watching, watching.
08:10It'd be unnatural.
08:12We never talk.
08:13Just make sure you take it calmly, that's all.
08:15Well, relax, Ted.
08:17Pretend to show me those things you were showing, Lauren.
08:18Oh, it's...
08:20Oh, heck.
08:24God.
08:25Easy.
08:26Take what calmly?
08:27What on earth is that?
08:28Oh, look, don't bother about it.
08:30I don't want him pretending to show you them.
08:31It's not the sort of thing you can ignore.
08:33Really?
08:34Well, if that's a harbinger of the trade's reaction, it bodes well.
08:37Well, you see, they're their boot scrapers with the faces of famous prime ministers.
08:40Oh, and that one, that one is, um...
08:43It's Neville Chamberlain.
08:45You're impressed, I can see.
08:47Ted, listen.
08:48Shh, shh, shh, shh.
08:48I'm...
08:49I'm doomed.
08:51Never to tell you.
08:52Hello, Mr. Badger.
08:59Sorry, everyone?
09:00Hello.
09:01Ah, yes, absolutely.
09:03Hello.
09:04Would it help to talk to me about her?
09:07I mean, if you'd like to.
09:08Pardon?
09:09Your wife.
09:10You were thinking about her then, weren't you?
09:13Yes, I was.
09:14I was thinking of this same evening last year.
09:17She said, we've been happy, haven't we?
09:20I mean, it's true.
09:21I mean, we wanted children, we didn't have any, but...
09:23But we were happy.
09:24I was wondering, last year, did she have a premonition?
09:29All right, I'm sorry, I'm boring you.
09:31Oh, no, please.
09:33I don't mind.
09:34Oh, I mean, not that you are, but even if you were, I wouldn't mind.
09:38No.
09:39No.
09:40Saves it from having to think of anything to say.
09:43Oh, I mean, not that that's the reason I enjoy listening to you talking about Jane.
09:47I'm very interested.
09:49Oh, I'm starving.
09:51I could eat a horse.
09:52Except I never could.
09:53Well, it's chicken tonight.
09:55Oh, I hope it's free range.
09:56I won't eat it if it isn't.
09:58Good for you.
09:59You think you'll annoy me by not disagreeing with you, don't you?
10:02I just have.
10:04Oh, Kurt, I think Rita's rather trapped with poor Novel.
10:08A rescue might be diplomatic.
10:09Every morning I stretch out my hands to caress her.
10:15Um, her.
10:16Every morning it's a shock to find she isn't there.
10:19The mornings don't get any better, Rita.
10:21They will never.
10:22Yes, but I don't think I want them to.
10:25That would seem like a betrayal.
10:27I'm sorry.
10:28I don't want to burden you with my grief.
10:30Oh, please do.
10:32Oh, I don't mean burden me.
10:34It doesn't.
10:35No, I'm glad.
10:36No, I don't mean I'm glad about your grief.
10:40No, what I meant was, I'm glad to listen to the grief I wish you hadn't got.
10:44But since you have got it, I'm happy to listen to it.
10:47Well, not happy.
10:49Oh, Rita, look, could I have a word?
10:53Sorry, Novel.
10:54No, please.
10:55Oh.
10:57What is it?
10:58Nothing.
10:59I was just rescuing you.
11:01It's ten years since I've enjoyed a conversation with you as much as I was enjoying that one with Neville.
11:07Bloody hell.
11:09So, how are you feeling?
11:11Fine.
11:12Oh, it's going to be a girl, incidentally.
11:14You've had it tested.
11:16I didn't need to.
11:18I know.
11:20Oh.
11:21You please?
11:22Oh, I don't mind.
11:24I think it's selfish of parents to saddle their children with burdens of expectation.
11:28Is that a dig at me?
11:30Or mere disinterested, trendy, progressive priggishness?
11:34It's a dig at you.
11:36Well, you never left me in any doubt that you preferred Simon.
11:39Are you serious?
11:41Yes.
11:42I mean, I'm not resentful.
11:44Not now.
11:45Not really.
11:47Simon!
11:48Well, hello, Mother.
11:49Hello, Jenny.
11:50You look nice.
11:51Do you have to sound so surprised?
11:53Well, you're...
11:54You're my sister.
11:55I mean, not that I want gracious compliments anyway.
11:56They're so sexist.
11:57Simon, would you say that I favoured you as a child at Jenny's expense?
12:00Good Lord, no.
12:01You've always been absolutely fair.
12:07You see?
12:08What?
12:09Well, if Simon thinks you were fair, you must have been favouring him outrageously.
12:12Which isn't surprising, really.
12:15What do you mean by that?
12:17Well, you've always been a man's woman, haven't you?
12:22You little bitch.
12:24Oh, Mum, I didn't really mean...
12:25I only meant...
12:27She does that a lot.
12:35Er, Paul, sometimes a woman needs to be alone.
12:39Not Jenny.
12:40Our marriage is a totality of shared experience.
12:43Brooke.
12:46Rodney and Betty Sillito.
12:48The Ted and Rita's friends.
12:50We met at the wedding.
12:52Yes, I do remember.
12:54What a pleasant surprise.
12:56Rodney's provided the chickens.
12:58Ah.
12:59Ah.
13:00Funnily enough, I was listening to local radio this morning.
13:03And I...
13:03For the news.
13:05Well, I don't listen to their, er...
13:07Well, I can't call it music.
13:08And I heard your advert for cock-a-doodle chickens.
13:12Which chickens give the best value?
13:14Cock-a-doodle-doo.
13:17That was it.
13:18I suppose it must be a bit of a problem finding decent copywriters for local radio.
13:23I wrote that myself.
13:27I must go and check the seating arrangements.
13:29Oh, it was natural.
13:36You overreacted a bit because she pregnant.
13:39Otherwise be pints.
13:40Oh, you're not going to forget to check the chickens are free range, are you?
13:42Bloody hell!
13:43You want me to die her first?
13:44Well, I didn't necessarily mean straight away.
13:49Oh, grandad.
13:51How's grandma?
13:52I'm coming to see her tomorrow.
13:54Doctor says she's satisfactory.
13:56Seems a strange sort of description to me.
13:58Dad, what are you doing here?
14:02I've tried to some place to see me.
14:04Mr. Breezley invited me.
14:06He drinks in my pub.
14:08He's a dentist, but you wouldn't know to look at him.
14:10He invited you here?
14:12Why?
14:13Well, he seemed to think I might be lonely with your mother in general.
14:17And unlike some people, he seems to think I know how to behave in public.
14:21What do you mean, unlike some people?
14:23Nothing.
14:24Well, don't let him down and don't drink too much.
14:26I'll try not to fart too often and all.
14:35Sorry, they are free range.
14:37Oh, amazing.
14:38I mean, I could have just had the match.
14:39I'm pretty pleased.
14:40Hello.
14:40Hello, Paul.
14:41Hello, Jenny.
14:44Pregnancy suits you.
14:45Oh, well, a moment of truth approaches.
14:49It's the first time he's been to a do when they've been using his chickens.
14:52He's like a cat in a hot tin soup.
14:54I didn't know you did free range chickens.
14:57I don't.
14:58Paul, you lied to me.
15:02Jenny.
15:03It's all right.
15:03I haven't even had a drink yet.
15:05Oh, I'm really beginning to learn about your priorities tonight.
15:08First drink and second everything else.
15:10Jenny.
15:12Shh.
15:14Jenny.
15:16Jenny.
15:17Don't worry about them.
15:23Good row will do them, Gordon.
15:25We can have that talk on the dance floor later.
15:27Liz, are you mad?
15:29We can't be seen dancing together.
15:31Well, it'll look very suspicious if we don't dance together.
15:34Liz, what is all this about?
15:36Now, keep calm.
15:39Oh, Mum.
15:40Calm now, what is it?
15:40I'm pregnant.
15:47You're the father.
15:51You what?
15:52Shh, be calm.
15:53Be casual.
15:55It is rather awful, isn't it?
15:58The baby was actually conceived during our children's wedding reception.
16:04Ladies and gentlemen, dinner is served.
16:07Oh, my God.
16:10You see, even my best friend's dreading my chickens.
16:15Peru is a fascinating country, but it is very poor.
16:19It makes one ashamed of one's greed and over-consumption.
16:22Absolutely.
16:23The same again.
16:24Mm.
16:25Why not?
16:27Well, if I don't have another Scotch,
16:29it'll hardly get transported to the shanty towns of Lima, will it?
16:33Just help put some poor sod in Western Scotland out of work.
16:36I do hope they're all right.
16:38Well, a lot of distilleries have closed up there, but...
16:42I think Rita meant Paul and Jenny, Ted.
16:46No, they'll be all right.
16:47They're just having a tiff, I suppose.
16:49They have such high expectations from that.
16:52They'll learn.
16:53Do you think that was what novelists mean by a pregnant pause?
17:02Liz.
17:03Oh.
17:06It's hardly respectful, is it, eh?
17:08I mean, talking about pregnancy in public.
17:12I mean, is it?
17:13Especially when our son made their daughter pregnant before they were married.
17:16I mean, is it?
17:21Liz?
17:22Oh, right.
17:25Come on, Ted.
17:27No, no, Rita.
17:28The dance floor's not crowded enough for me.
17:31I find talking a strain.
17:33I hardly drink.
17:34The food's never any good.
17:35The only thing I enjoy is the dancing, so come on.
17:37Oh, Nick.
17:38Hello, Mum.
17:43Hello, Dad.
17:43Hello, son.
17:44Hi.
17:44Elvis.
17:46I thought the least you could have done was to wangle tonight off.
17:49I mean, look at you, you're embarrassing your mother.
17:50What, not you?
17:51Well, I can't say they're exactly thrilled to me.
17:54I mean, it's not exactly conducive.
17:56I mean, is it?
17:57You should have given me a job in the foundry then, shouldn't you?
18:00Ow.
18:01Waiter.
18:02So, anyway, we had two people.
18:03Yes, sir.
18:04Elvis.
18:06Simon.
18:07Good Lord.
18:09Oh, this is my sister's husband's brother.
18:13Sorry.
18:13Must be a bit embarrassing for you.
18:15No, not really.
18:16Though you might try something a little more polite than yelling waiter.
18:19What's rude about that?
18:21Well, how would you like it if I popped in your office and yelled estate agent?
18:24That's different.
18:26Yeah.
18:26You're a member of a profession.
18:28And I'm only a waiter.
18:29I think you're rather forgetting your position, Elvis.
18:33I was speaking as your sister's husband's brother.
18:37Speaking as a waiter?
18:38Well, what can I get you, sir?
18:42There we go, sir.
18:43Tickety-boo.
18:44This is my strategic defensive position.
18:48Well, here I can keep an eye on Rodney's drinking.
18:50Yeah, absolutely.
18:51Good plan.
18:53Oh!
18:55What's wrong?
18:56Would you believe toothache?
18:57Oh, we had a heart attack last year at the doctor's dinner dance.
19:01And that was a full-dress deal.
19:02I get it every now and again, but my dentist can't find anything wrong.
19:06Who is your dentist?
19:09It's Mr. Young.
19:11I'm sorry.
19:12That was unethical.
19:12Oh, she's fully recovered now.
19:14She does those keep-fit classes on the radio.
19:17Is that young Mr. Young or old Mr. Young?
19:18Oh, she's very attractive.
19:20There were seven doctors fighting to give her the kiss of life.
19:24Well, I think it must be old Mr. Young.
19:26He's as bald as a coot.
19:27No, that's young Mr. Young.
19:28Dr. Spreckley won.
19:29Oh, he's wifed in half.
19:30Give him an earful afterwards.
19:31I was amazed she knew such words.
19:34But apparently she's a regular theater-goer.
19:37Er, look, I wouldn't want to put any pressure on you,
19:40but I could fit you in as a private patient on Monday morning.
19:42Oh, I'd like that.
19:44I'd like the job done properly.
19:47Ah, hello.
19:48How's Mr. Spreak enjoying himself?
19:50I've no idea.
19:51Pardon?
19:52My name's Sprag.
19:54I'm having a great time.
19:56And this is the first time I've had to go all night.
20:01Is there something between you and Liz?
20:10Rita, why not gave you that idea?
20:12Oh, I keep seeing you exchanging looks.
20:15Ah, yeah.
20:15Well, the thing is that, um...
20:18Well, I don't like her.
20:19I mean, to be absolutely honest, I can't stand her.
20:22So, what I'm doing is I'm overcompensating
20:24for the sake of harmony between our two families, you say.
20:28You are going to dance with her, aren't you?
20:30You are.
20:31It will talk if you don't.
20:34What a convoluted mind you've got.
20:38Well, I'll dance with her, if you insist.
20:41Don't you trust me?
20:42Trust you?
20:44After Ingeborg?
20:48Rita, Lord.
20:49Right, you're in hospital.
20:51No danger.
20:52Woman's problem.
20:52And the beautiful blonde order of a Swedish ironmongery wholesaler
20:57turns up at the foundry and places an order for 2,000 toasted foods.
21:02Huh?
21:02I mean, be fair.
21:05Man can only resist so much temptation.
21:10One isolated lapse.
21:14Bitterly regretted.
21:14What about Big Bertha from Nuremberg?
21:18All right.
21:22Two isolated lapses.
21:24Bitterly regretted.
21:25And what about Doreen from the Frimley Building Society?
21:32All right.
21:33Three isolated lapses.
21:35Bitterly regretted.
21:36I thought that was carrying everyone's friendly at the Frimley too far.
21:40Exactly.
21:40This is it.
21:41I was seduced by the power of advertising.
21:43You were seduced by Doreen Timperley.
21:45And I was impressed by how regularly you were paying in.
21:49Great enough.
21:50Three peccadillos in 24 years of marital bliss.
21:55That's one lapse every, um, eight years.
21:59Because eight years, it's Doreen Timperley.
22:02I'll be very suspicious if you don't dance with Liz.
22:05Oh, that's all right, Rita.
22:06I'll dance with Liz.
22:07Well, don't hold her too close.
22:08That's how I know something's up.
22:10Rita.
22:11And don't hold her too far apart, either.
22:12Like she's a piece of Dresden, China.
22:14Or I'd be really suspicious.
22:16For God's sake, Rita.
22:18Have you brought your tape measure, eh?
22:28So, Elvis.
22:30Are you finding your three years as a philosophy graduate helpful in your job?
22:38Incredibly.
22:39Oh, good.
22:40Good.
22:40You don't feel that the taxpayer's money has been poured down the drain, then?
22:45Money, money, money.
22:47I hear the heart of an estate agent beating like a till.
22:50In my brief spell as a way to sign that, I have learned the answer to a question that
22:55has exercised philosophers down the ages.
22:58What question?
22:59Is the external world real?
23:01Or is it just a figment of my imagination?
23:03Do you exist outside my mind?
23:06I now know what you do.
23:07How?
23:08Because I wouldn't have wasted time inventing anybody as futile as you.
23:11Ditto.
23:14With knobs on.
23:15Precisely.
23:17Case proven.
23:18That'll be £9.46, sir.
23:21Call it £10 for cash.
23:30Dry vermouth and a dry white wine, please.
23:32Betty, what will you?
23:34Ah, yes.
23:35That's all, thank you.
23:37Very good, sir.
23:37Can do.
23:38Tickety-boo.
23:41Hello, Mum.
23:45Jenny and I have just survived this first round.
23:48Congratulations.
23:50We've decided that if the correct lessons are learnt, then my lie can cement the relationship.
23:55Oh, good.
23:56I'm so glad.
23:57Don't be angry, Mum.
23:59I'm sorry if I was a bit rude earlier.
24:02Oh, I understand.
24:06The nerves and emotions sometimes go a bit paywire in pregnancy.
24:09So, what's your excuse?
24:12Pardon?
24:13Well, you called me a bitch.
24:15And I hardly imagine you're pregnant.
24:20Hardly.
24:21I must apologise for the meal tonight.
24:24That chicken was a disaster.
24:26Oh, I'm sorry.
24:27I forgot your friend provided it.
24:30No, no, no, no.
24:32Enjoying ourselves.
24:34And, I mean, after all, it isn't everything, is it?
24:36Food?
24:37No, no, not by a long shot.
24:38And, talking about food not being everything, I'd like you to be my guest at my angling club Christmas party night.
24:45A bit.
24:47Yes, it's held in the lounge bar of the Crown and Walnut are closed for the occasion.
24:51I mean, it's only a back street boozer, but they're a friendly crowd.
24:56Sounds delightful.
24:57Ah!
24:59Well, well.
24:59Where have you been?
25:02We've been worried sick.
25:04Sorry.
25:05I think I overreacted.
25:07No, no, you didn't.
25:08Little lies lead to bigger lies and the ultimate destruction of the relationship.
25:13How true.
25:18Another pregnant pause.
25:19The evening seems pregnant with pregnant pauses.
25:29And now, the Dale Monsal Quartet will transport you over the Alps by magic carpet to the centre of the Austro-Hungarian Empire.
25:41Take your partners, ladies and gentlemen, for a whiff of old Vienna.
25:48Jenny.
25:50Are you all right?
25:51Yes, modest exercise is good for pregnancy, Paul.
25:59Darling.
26:11Oh, right.
26:13Rita.
26:14Oh, Mr. Badger, why not?
26:19Oh, Ted.
26:20Might be a good idea to pry his fretty away from the bar.
26:24Oh.
26:26Same thing is happening as at the wedding.
26:28And Mrs. Chicken is desperately watching Mr. Chicken to make sure he doesn't drink too much.
26:34And she'll be the one who ends up getting drunk.
26:36You find people so amusing, observe, from a distance, don't you, Lawrence?
26:40What a pity you don't like us so much of those two.
26:43I do, Liz.
26:44It's just that the Rodenhurst have never found affection easy to express.
26:49Perhaps because you have so little affection to express.
26:52I have feelings, Liz.
26:53I just keep them bottled up.
26:56Like chutney.
26:57Exactly.
26:57Well, not exactly like chutney, no.
27:02I'm British, Liz.
27:04My affection doesn't come bursting out in great surges.
27:07Say that again.
27:09No, you don't want to get close to me.
27:11You want to get close to the toasting fork tycoon.
27:13You're having an affair with him, aren't you?
27:15Are you really at your aerobics on a Tuesday?
27:17Don't answer that.
27:18I don't really want to know.
27:20Just be very, very discreet.
27:22I don't want to see you dancing with him tonight.
27:24Won't that be guaranteed to set tongues wagging in this house?
27:29All right.
27:30Dance with him, but don't hold him too close.
27:32Yes, sir.
27:33But I just don't understand how a nice man like you can enjoy dancing while you're keeping
27:39hundreds of living creatures in conditions that would make a Siberian prison camp seem like
27:43a young conservative dinner dance.
27:45Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.
27:48Well, not when you ask me to dance.
27:53But I don't.
27:56Excuse me.
28:02Oh, Jane.
28:04I'm Rita.
28:05Oh, yes.
28:08Yes, of course you are.
28:10And now, ladies and gentlemen, we pay a brief visit to the exotic rhythms of Latin America.
28:18Yes, it's carnival time in Rio.
28:21Oh, come on, Paul.
28:27Oh, leave him alone, Jenny, if he doesn't want to.
28:30No, marriage is a totality of shared experience, Dad.
28:33So that's where I went wrong.
28:36Well, the parents didn't touch you today.
28:38He slipped off to the bar.
28:40He caught off it.
28:41Excuse me.
28:42Lisa, how can you be sure it's mine?
28:52The casual nerd people may be watching.
28:55Hell's bells, Liz.
28:56I mean, how can you be sure?
28:58Lawrence and I haven't slept together for four years.
29:01Well, I presume, you know, that you were taking precautions.
29:03No point.
29:04There's nothing to take them against.
29:06You could have, though.
29:07Hell's bells, Liz.
29:08I don't go to wedding receptions armed with rubber goods.
29:10Anyway, I thought the chances were pretty remote at your age.
29:14Oh, thank you.
29:15Oh, I'm sorry.
29:17No, what a...
29:18Look casual, look casual.
29:19Look happy.
29:20Oh, what a tackless sounding cruise man.
29:24No, no, no.
29:25I meant you don't look your age.
29:26So sometimes I forget how you aren't quite as amazingly young as you seem.
29:32Don't try and look up.
29:35I like you because you aren't smooth.
29:37I like you for what you are.
29:39Your own man.
29:41Proud.
29:42Roughly.
29:44Good Lord.
29:46Liz, I suppose you thought of having a...
29:49Not a...
29:50Not a...
29:51Yes, I have.
29:57I've decided to have a baby.
29:59But I absolutely adore yours.
30:01You what?
30:04Oh, you are.
30:05Yeah.
30:06I heard that at the midst of the shambles.
30:08Oh, no.
30:08It was rather, wasn't it?
30:09Poor Rodney.
30:10Sorry?
30:11I thought you said the dinner was a shambles.
30:13No, York.
30:14York's a shambles.
30:16I don't agree.
30:17No, no.
30:17I mean, there's a street in York called a shambles.
30:20I know.
30:21I know.
30:23Well, I know you know.
30:24Well, I mean, I presumed you know.
30:27You know, most people do.
30:28Oh, Liz.
30:34Are you prepared to brave the perils of my clumsy feet?
30:36Well, sit.
30:38Here.
30:57Another dance?
30:58No, please, Neville.
30:58No, please.
31:00It might help take you out of yourself.
31:02I don't want to be taken out of myself.
31:04Who would I be then?
31:25It's worse than being a metallic.
31:26You know, be grumpy.
31:28I feel like being grumpy.
31:30You're making me make love to the wedding reception.
31:33Choosing tonight to tell me you're pregnant.
31:34Constantly referring to pregnant pauses.
31:37Blimey kisses.
31:39Honestly, Liz, I think you flirt with the angel as much as you do with me.
31:42I think it turns you on.
31:43No.
31:46No, you turn me on.
31:48I'm having your baby.
31:50Oh, Liz.
31:51Liz.
31:52Liz.
31:52Liz.
31:52Liz.
31:52Big.
31:53What are we going to do?
31:54It's impossible to dance to this music.
32:00What's wrong?
32:04Nothing.
32:05Jenny, there is.
32:06No.
32:07Come on, tell me.
32:10Tell me.
32:10No secrets.
32:11It's a totality of shared experience.
32:13I think my mother and your father are having an affair.
32:25It's not a totality.
32:26Well, I mean, you know, I mean, Lawrence.
32:54Well, I mean, obviously I shan't be able to go on living with Lawrence.
32:56Oh, quite.
32:58Good, good.
33:00Look bright and jolly.
33:01Hmm?
33:01Yeah.
33:02Oh, yes.
33:03Oh, heck.
33:06I think we should live together.
33:10Oh, absolutely.
33:12It's not the way.
33:14Is there absolutely no possibility that it is?
33:18Don't you want to live with me?
33:20Hmm?
33:20Of course I do.
33:21I mean, it's like a dream.
33:23It's just I was exploring, you know, all the possibilities.
33:26I mean, like the clappers.
33:28You know what I mean?
33:30Oh, heck.
33:31Your enthusiasm sounds pretty temperate to me.
33:34No, no, love.
33:36No, no.
33:36It's just that it's just I was just thinking about Rita and, you know, Lawrence and the family
33:41and, I mean, of course I do madly and just everything and, I mean, oh, I can't.
33:53How?
33:55How?
33:56How what?
33:57How do we go about it?
33:58We just go off together, quickly, suddenly, clean break.
34:02Absolutely, absolutely, yes.
34:05When?
34:06Tonight.
34:07Tonight?
34:09You are function fixated.
34:12Well, it's not easy for me either.
34:15I've never left Lawrence before.
34:16I'm worried.
34:17My carriage will run out if I don't.
34:19Oh, now, James, when the dance finishes, before the routine of our daily life engulfs is forever.
34:30Always.
34:34Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
34:38We'll see you again in a few minutes after a short break.
34:41How were the beaches in the South of France?
34:46Rather too full of overweight, topless Germans for my taste.
34:50Oh, dear.
34:51I mean, I know Filey has its critics, but let's face it, it's not full of overweight, new German women.
35:00They catch their death.
35:02It's an ill wind.
35:03Absolutely.
35:05I must go home.
35:07Thank you, Lawrence, for a...
35:09an evening.
35:10And you're in no condition to drive, Neville.
35:13Paul will drive him.
35:14He won't mind.
35:15Oh, that's very kind.
35:17Where's Liz?
35:18I must say goodbye to Liz.
35:20Er, come on, Neville.
35:23I owe you an apology, Rita.
35:26There was a trifle abrupt earlier.
35:28You're under a strain.
35:30I understand.
35:32That's no excuse.
35:33Jane believed in good manners.
35:35She'd have been deeply shocked.
35:37That sort of thing lets her down.
35:39It lets me down.
35:42It lets badger, badger, fox and...
35:44Badger down.
35:46Never mind.
35:47The point is, you're coping better than at the wedding.
35:50You're going to be all right.
35:52Time is a great healer.
35:54Oh, shut up.
35:58He's so happy when he's sober and he's so miserable when he's drunk.
36:02It worries me.
36:03Which is his real self.
36:07Er...
36:08Paul, are you sober?
36:11Of course I am.
36:12I haven't been here long enough to get drunk.
36:13Oh, good.
36:14You won't mind driving Neville home then, will you?
36:17Thank you, Paul.
36:18Goodbye, Rita.
36:19What can I say?
36:20I'm sorry.
36:22I...
36:22I'm sorry.
36:25Good night, Neville.
36:27Where's Liz?
36:28Oh, I'll say goodnight to her for you.
36:30Thank you for volunteering.
36:31There you go, sir.
36:32Oh, just the job, tickety-boo.
36:34Come on.
36:39Come on.
36:51Hey, how's that doing now, Rita?
36:53Dad, I wish you wouldn't say our Rita.
36:57I know what that does.
36:58Anyway, don't worry this then, our Rita.
37:00I've been on me best behaviour.
37:01My table are right interested in me tales of the olden days.
37:07They no idea of the problems posed by horse manure in big cities.
37:11Dad, I can't take you anywhere.
37:14I've noticed.
37:15Well, are you surprised?
37:17Why do you have to come out with such crude things?
37:20Because you don't take me anywhere.
37:22This time it's Rodney that's got drunk.
37:34Now, say this for your friends, Rita.
37:35They have a high entertainment value.
37:38Look, Lawrence.
37:39Lawrence, do you think there is anything between Ted and Liz?
37:45You mean, are they having an affair?
37:47Well, I want to put it quite...
37:50Well, yes, I suppose I do.
37:53Yes.
37:54What?
37:55Yes, I do think they are having an affair.
37:57Oh, my God, Lawrence, they can't be.
37:59Well, you just asked me.
38:00You must have thought they were.
38:01Yeah, but I hope you'd tell me that I was imagining things.
38:05I hope you'd tell me I was sick in my mind and to pull myself together.
38:08Sorry.
38:09Oh, my God.
38:10Calm, Rita.
38:11People may be watching.
38:13Calm?
38:15Our two youngest children have only been married for ten weeks,
38:17and my husband is having an affair with your wife,
38:20and you tell me to keep calm.
38:22Absolutely.
38:23Because it won't last, you know.
38:24Liz is far too much of a snob.
38:27Say nothing.
38:27Close ranks.
38:28Make small talk.
38:29Hello.
38:30Hello, Jenny.
38:32Rita was just telling me they found the scenery in Provence very spectacular,
38:36but not as green as England.
38:41Yeah, yes, it was very spectacular, but not as green as England.
38:46Oh.
38:48The scenery in Peru is very spectacular, especially the Andes, so...
38:56Hi.
38:57Exactly.
38:59Come on, Lawrence, let's dance.
39:01Oh, well, right.
39:13What did you mean by saying that Liz was too much of a snob?
39:18Nothing.
39:19Then why say it?
39:20You're forcing me to spare it out, Rita.
39:25Clody's not quite her social equal.
39:28Well, he's got his own business.
39:30He employs people.
39:32He likes sports to 27 countries.
39:34He's done extremely well for himself, but socially, Rita,
39:37socially selling doorknobs to Arabs hardly compares with being a dentist's wife.
39:42I mean, do you want this affair to last?
39:43Well, of course not.
39:45You don't want it not to last because he's not good enough for it.
39:48The indestructibility of English snobbery.
39:50I think the snobbery's on your sidelines.
39:52Well, without wishing to be snobbish, Rita,
39:54I would suggest that you are far more blatantly snobbish than I am.
39:58People who are upwardly mobile always are.
40:00And now, by popular demand, seniors and senioritas,
40:09we're off to Espania, the land of the bullfight.
40:13Rita!
40:13Allé!
40:14Allé!
40:14Allé!
40:15Allé!
40:15Allé!
40:16Allé!
40:17Allé!
40:17Allé!
40:18Allé!
40:19Allé!
40:20Allé!
40:21Allé!
40:22Allé!
40:23Allé!
40:24Allé!
40:25Allé!
40:26Allé!
40:27Allé!
40:28Allé!
40:29Allé!
40:30Allé!
40:31Allé!
40:32Allé!
40:33Allé!
40:34Allé!
40:35There she is.
40:36The girl that once told me I was the ermine goring of the British food industry.
40:40Rodney?
40:41No, but I sort of did.
40:42Oh, Lord.
40:43No, please.
40:44You did right.
40:45Eh?
40:46A drink for my friend, barkeep.
40:48Well, just an orange juice.
40:50The juice of the orange can do.
40:52No problem.
40:53Here we go.
40:54You did right.
40:55As I stand here, warm and well-fed.
40:58Well, thirsty.
40:59But apart from that, in the pink, out there, under the stars, are Rose of Woodenuts,
41:09Stalagen 32, the battery chicken archipelago.
41:13A monument to man's inhumanity to chicken.
41:18Barman, you seem like a total idiot.
41:22What do you say?
41:2360p, sir.
41:24Do you mean we just go and live in with them as if nothing has happened?
41:28It's easy enough.
41:29They're discreet.
41:30What sort of a marriage is that?
41:33The best available under the circumstances.
41:36But anyway, I can't live with them knowing.
41:40Rita, I implore you to be cautious.
41:42Don't rock the boat.
41:43Maybe they've already rocked the boat.
41:44It'd been gone a long time.
41:45You mean they're at it now?
41:46Where?
41:47In your car.
41:48In my car.
41:49Liz wouldn't.
41:50Maybe they've walked out on us.
41:51What?
41:52They wouldn't.
41:53Not tonight.
41:54Ted's my guest.
41:55I agree.
41:56It would be very rude.
41:57Rude?
41:58Unforgivable.
41:59Those tickets cost me £14.50.
42:00Florence!
42:01I know.
42:02Pretty steep for that rubbish when you think the wine was extra.
42:04No, I meant how can you talk up money at a timeline, Liz?
42:06Well, because now you are imagining things.
42:07Liz wouldn't leave me.
42:08Certainly not from...
42:09Well, not tonight.
42:10The dentist's dinner dance is the highlight of my social calendar.
42:12Liz knows that.
42:13Next year I'm president.
42:14I'm president.
42:15I'm president.
42:16I'm president.
42:17I'm president.
42:18I'm president.
42:19I'm president.
42:20I'm president.
42:21I'm president.
42:22I'm president.
42:23I'm president.
42:24I'm president.
42:25I'm president.
42:26I'm president.
42:27I'm president.
42:28I'm president.
42:29Next year I'm president.
42:31She wouldn't.
42:32Just wouldn't.
42:35Would she?
42:36Come on, Jenny.
42:38We have a job to do.
42:39A job?
42:40We're gonna let my chickens go free.
42:43Woof!
42:44Open the doors.
42:46Or fly away to a better life.
42:48Stop him, Jenny, because he could well do it.
42:51Come on, Jenny.
42:53Help me make amends for a wicked life.
42:56I can't.
42:58I'm waiting for Paul.
43:01Jenny, did Jay Gavare say, sorry, chaps, the revolution's off.
43:07We got visitors.
43:08He did not.
43:10Well, it's not the way to do it.
43:13You've got to close down the factory.
43:15I'll tell you what, I'll make umbrellas instead.
43:20You're not one of those umbrella liberation people, are you?
43:23Come on.
43:24I can't take advantage of you in this condition.
43:28Never mind my condition.
43:30It's about my chickens.
43:32I mean, do they ever get a chance to go to a dinner dance and eat frozen people?
43:38You're wrong talk.
43:39No, do you make me sick?
43:40Oh, Robbie.
43:41Our car's gone.
43:42What?
43:43Our car, it's not in the car park.
43:44Well, maybe they've gone for a quick drink.
43:45Well, hardly think so.
43:46They've gone for a quick, um, in some deserted spot.
43:50Maybe they've left us.
43:51What?
43:52Oh, my God.
43:53Rita, what are we going to do?
43:54Smile.
43:55What?
43:56Well, keep up appearances, Lance.
43:57At least till we're sure.
43:58Oh, yes, right.
43:59This is dreadful.
44:00Yes.
44:01What's funny?
44:02I'm just keeping up appearances.
44:03Oh, well, we're not going to be a drink.
44:04Have you got a drink?
44:05Have you got a drink?
44:06Well, hardly think so.
44:07We'll go for a quick, um, in some deserted spot.
44:08Maybe they've left us.
44:09What?
44:10Oh, my God.
44:11Rita, what are we going to do?
44:12Smile.
44:13What?
44:14Well, keep up appearances, Lance.
44:15At least till we're sure.
44:16Oh, yes, right.
44:17This is dreadful.
44:18Yes.
44:19What's funny?
44:20I'm just keeping up appearances.
44:21Oh, yes, right.
44:22This is dreadful.
44:23Yes.
44:24What's funny?
44:25I'm just keeping up appearances.
44:27Oh, yes, right.
44:29Well done.
44:30Not being rude, Rita, but I didn't expect you to go to pieces.
44:35Thanks.
44:36I'm glad you weren't being rude.
44:38Well, yes, as a matter of fact, so would I.
44:42I mean, it's hard.
44:44All my life I've been dreading the worst.
44:47And now that it's happened, well, I suppose there's nothing more to fear.
44:53And it's almost a relief.
44:56In a way.
44:57Well, why, Rita?
44:58We were happy.
44:59We existed pretty satisfactorily.
45:00On the whole.
45:01Rita, she must come back.
45:02I can't face it.
45:03The empty house.
45:04Telling the family.
45:05Facing my friends.
45:06The girls and the surgery.
45:07The patients.
45:08The cleaning woman.
45:09All that sympathy.
45:10All that emptiness.
45:11All that emptiness.
45:12Oh, my God.
45:13Now, keep calm, Lawrence.
45:14Calm?
45:15My wife's just left me.
45:16And you tell me to...
45:17It's my fault.
45:18I failed her.
45:20Thank you very much.
45:21Ladies and gentlemen.
45:22Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
45:23Well, I'm afraid that I've failed her.
45:24cleaning woman all that sympathy all that emptiness oh my god my wife just left me and
45:38you tell me it's my fault i failed her
45:48thank you very much ladies and gentlemen well
45:52i'm afraid the licensing authorities have beaten us yet again it's time for the last waltz
46:10oh my god here comes your father that's all i need lord i'm sorry quick um make small talk um
46:18and the funny thing was it wasn't even our cat
46:22oh dear me hello how are you i'm having a great time do you know i've just had my table in tux with
46:31me impression of staff sergeant crabtree oh no you didn't do staff sergeant crabtree i've never seen
46:38mr breezley laugh so much it's a pity you weren't there mr robinhurst rodenhurst oh my loss is
46:45breezley's game is everything all right absolutely wonderful oh absolutely wonderful here come and
46:57dance me well i'm not dancing with him i'm not a bum boy dad come on dance with your old dad oh all
47:06all right
47:22dad why do you have to be so crude because he hates it
47:26why do you have to hurt me because you've hurt me dad oh i understand i clash with your contemporary
47:39furniture dad i dare say you'll have me now your mother's dying dad she's not dying she's dying i know that
47:51like i know there's something wrong between you and ted not such an old fool as you think you know
48:02what's up rita i think he's run off with layers
48:07it's great oh my god i wish i were 20 years younger i'd give one of these dentists something
48:17do i kick his bloody teeth in well no way to treat my little girl
48:24dad come on rita defy the world you had such spirit when you're a little girl you could be a
48:32little devil where's it all gone what's happened rita life dad life's happened come on now rita you can
48:44do it show a bit of style that's funny he said that i'll show him to her show them defy the world
48:57all right come on now dad
49:01oh
49:11oh
49:11dad dad
49:14dad
49:14dad
49:16dad
49:17dad
49:19dad
49:21you can't be dead
49:24i haven't told you i love you
49:27dad
49:31dad
49:33dad
49:35dad
49:45dad
49:47dad
49:51dad
49:53dad
Be the first to comment