- 13 minutes ago
Rodney has ran out of yuletide cheer, as the annual routing of the Trotter festivities are wearing thin. Burnt turkey, charred Christmas pudding, the same old things on television, and nothing but a book lent to him by Mickey Pierce: 'Body Language: The Lost Art.'
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00:02Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the bestest
00:12But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23And the tides of the sea
00:25But is the one what's driving me berserk
00:28Why do only fours and horses work
00:32La-la-la-la
00:34La-la-la-la-la
00:36La-la-la-la
00:38La-la-la-la-la
00:40La-la-la-la
00:41La-la-la-la-la-la
00:47Oh, yeah.
00:50Oi, granddad, you want to see this book Mickey Pierce lent me?
00:54It teaches you how to say filthy things to women from great distances
00:57Without actually speaking
00:59They can't sit their brothers on you or nothing
01:02Do you like your baked potatoes really well done, Rodney?
01:07Have I got a choice?
01:08Well, not really
01:10Yeah, I like them really well done, granddad
01:13I like them all burnt up so they look like rock-old prunes
01:17Oh, good
01:18Well, dinner won't be long, then
01:24Body language?
01:25Yeah, it's no good for you, granddad
01:27You'd need an interpreter
01:30Oi, up
01:31All right, granddad?
01:32Dinner ruined yet?
01:34Yeah, coming along nicely, dear old boy
01:36Ah, good, good
01:36Here I am, hang on, hang on
01:38Here you go, look
01:39There's a score for you
01:40Little Christmas present, you all right?
01:42Oh, cheers, dear, that's very nice of you
01:46I didn't get you nothing
01:47I don't agree with the commercialisation of a Christian festival
01:54I don't believe that
01:55I don't believe that
01:56He actually took my money and then gave me a rollicking
01:58It's like being mugged by a magistrate
02:02Oh, and Merry Christmas
02:04Yeah
02:04And a partridge up your pear tree and all your salty old dins
02:08Here, what happened to you today, then?
02:10I thought I'd see you down the old nags head
02:12For a pre-luncheon aperitif
02:15And some light conversation
02:17You know, with them little egg bangers of yours
02:20Nah
02:22Stomach's still a bit dicey, you know
02:24Sort of burning pains
02:26Well, that'll teach you to play Russian roulette with a mutton vindaloo, won't it?
02:29No, this is psychosomatic, mate
02:32Eh?
02:33This is me brain sending messages down to me belly
02:36Warning it that granddad's rotten Christmas dinner will be on its way down soon
02:39Yeah
02:40Have a butcher's in that kitchen, Del
02:42It's all smoke and smells, it's horrible
02:45He's got baked potatoes in there
02:47Look more like lumps of anthracite
02:50There's green stuff in there, right?
02:52I don't know what it is
02:53I was going to ask
02:53Then I thought I'd better wait till you got in
02:56Why'd you let him do it, Del?
02:58Well, it's tradition, isn't it?
02:59He's been cooking the Christmas dinner ever since Mum went
03:01Yeah, he's been cocking it up ever since Mum went
03:04What do you want?
03:06What do you want, eh?
03:06A sacrebleur chef or something?
03:08Look, I don't fancy it any more than you do, Rodders
03:11But, you know, what can we do about it, eh?
03:14Well, let's pretend we both become vegetarians, eh?
03:16Then we won't have to eat his turkey
03:18Don't be a dipstick all your life, Rodney
03:21If we pretend that we're vegetarians
03:23We'll end up with a plate full of anthracite and green stuff
03:26Well, I'm going to say I'm on hunger strike
03:28Some kind of humanitarian grounds
03:30Oh, leave it out, will you?
03:32Leave it out
03:33I remember the last time that you went on hunger strike
03:35Over a protest about the American cruise missiles being based in Britain
03:40You said that you were going to starve yourself till all the missiles were removed
03:43So?
03:44So?
03:45So that was eight months ago
03:46The missiles are still here
03:48What is more to the point, Rodney
03:50So are you
03:52Went one and a half days on hunger strike
03:53And you're sent out for a curry
03:54Well, I was starving
03:56Well, that's the idea of it, you plonker
03:59Come out of it
04:00No
04:02Grandad will never wear that
04:04Anyway
04:06Cooking the Christmas dinner has become Grandad's purpose in life
04:11I mean, all year round, he sits in that chair watching them tellies
04:14Like an unoiled, redundant cog
04:18But come Christmas time, he knows that he can whir into action
04:21It's his role within the family circle
04:24Makes him feel he still has an important part to play
04:28You know, that he's still needed
04:31Now, you wouldn't want to take that away from him, would you?
04:33All for the sake of a little bit of botulism
04:36No, no, no
04:37All right, Bill
04:38Anyway, why don't you do what I do, eh?
04:40You know, just put the dinner in your mouth and think of England
04:45Anyway, for all we know
04:47This year it may turn out to be a gourmet's dream
04:50I'll just strain the gravy, then I'll get it up
05:09I must get a plug put on this thing, Rodney
05:20All right, all right, I'll have some wine, please, Rodney
05:23Do you want some gravy, Del?
05:27No thanks, Grandad, I'll have a drop of wine
05:30Thank you, merci, merci
05:43Oh, Bain Marie
05:45Bain Marie
05:47I will say this for those old frogs
05:48They make a blinding drop of wine, don't they, eh?
05:52Yeah, you know that shyster down at the off-licence?
05:54He only tried to palm me off with table wine, didn't he?
05:57He must have thought I was a philistine or something
06:02Anyway, I pulled him up a bit sharpish, though
06:04I said, Oi, John, I said
06:06I don't want none of your table wine, I said
06:09I said, you get down here in that cellar
06:11And you give me a bottle of your vin ordinaire
06:16Right
06:18Here we go
06:26Not bad, not bad, Grandad
06:30Slightly underdone, maybe
06:33Slightly underdone?
06:34I reckon a kiss of life would revive that tune
06:37That's enough, Rodney
06:39How's your guts now, Rodney?
06:42Not too bad now, Grandad, thank you very much
06:46I hope he ain't got worms
06:48I'm doing this on purpose
06:50Oi, that's enough, you two
06:51Now, come on, this is a dinner table
06:53I mean, worms and all that
06:55Just that Rodney's got this burning sensation in his stomach, haven't you, Rodney?
06:59Yeah
07:00Yeah
07:01Maybe they're glow worms
07:05Oi, oi, oi, what's your game?
07:08Do you think we could change the subject?
07:10It's all right, all right
07:11Now, come on, there's no need to get overwrought
07:13There you go
07:19This turkey's lovely, Grandad
07:22Isn't it, Rodney?
07:23Terrific
07:26Who's Brenda and Terry?
07:29Eh?
07:30Who's Brenda and Terry?
07:32Who's Brenda and Terry?
07:33Yeah
07:33Who's Brenda and Terry, Rodney?
07:35I don't know
07:36What's going on about your div?
07:39Well, we got a Christmas card from them
07:41It said, love from Brenda and Terry
07:43And the kids, Shirley, Shane and Sean
07:46Yeah, yeah, that was from Brenda and Terry
07:48I know!
07:49Who is Brenda and Terry?
07:51Well, it's Shirley, Shane and Sean's mum and dad, isn't it?
07:54Oh
07:56Did we send them one back?
07:57Well, how can we send them one back with none of who they are, let alone where they live?
08:02It's just as well with them rotten Christmas cards that you bought
08:05There was nothing wrong with them cards
08:07You didn't like them because they come from a charity organisation
08:10Now, that is not fair, Rodney, that is not fair
08:12Nobody likes a good cause better than me, do they, Grandad?
08:14No
08:15It's just that when you're choosing Christmas cards
08:17You've got to be very careful about which charity you choose
08:20What do you mean, got to be careful about which charity you choose?
08:24Well, I mean, look
08:24Some of those cards might offend some of our neighbours and friends, mightn't they?
08:28You know, it says
08:28Merry Christmas from Del Boy, Rodney and Grandad
08:31And all the gang at the Deptford Drug Addiction Centre
08:35And with all the cards we've had in social services, you don't think that's a good cause?
08:39Look, I'm not saying it isn't a good cause, Rodney
08:41All I'm saying, at Christmas time, people prefer a traditional Christmas card, don't they, eh?
08:45Like a nice wintery scene with a little snowman on it
08:47Little Robin Redbreast
08:49Not a sprig of Ollie and a bunch of mistletoe wrapped round a rusty stringe
08:54You're doing me right up sometimes, Del
08:56I don't know why they want these drug addiction centres anyhow
08:59I mean, ain't we got enough drug addicts without them recruiting them?
09:07No, no, Grandad, they're not training centres
09:10What?
09:12Oh, God, I give up
09:13Can we change the subjects again?
09:15Go on, stroll on, Rodney
09:16We're going through subjects quicker than mastermind
09:22Didn't throw the giblets away, did you?
09:27I only asked, I only asked
09:28Because, you see, I promised to be the old girl downstairs for a cat
09:31There weren't any giblets in it, dear old boy
09:33It was really clean, said so on the box
09:36Yeah, I know it was really clean, Grandad
09:38What they do is they take the giblets out
09:39Put it in a plastic bag
09:40And they put it back inside the turkey, don't they?
09:43Didn't they?
09:44Yeah
09:49You took the bag out, didn't you?
09:52I didn't know it was in there, Bill
09:54Oh, my God
09:56And when you put it with everything still in it
09:58Oh, my good God
10:02Blimey, it's like peering at the jaws of hell, yeah
10:05Didn't you at any time notice it?
10:07Like, for instance, when you were putting the stuffing in?
10:09Well, there's stuffing in there as well?
10:11I mean, there's everything in here, Rodney
10:13Sage and onion, molten plastic
10:17Things
10:18It's like Irish night in a delicatessen
10:21I just didn't know it was in there, dear old boy
10:26Yeah, all right, all right
10:28All right, Grandad
10:30Don't get overwrought
10:32It's over and done with, isn't it, eh?
10:34Don't upset yourself
10:35It's...
10:35You know, it's like, as the French say
10:37It's a...
10:38It's a...
10:38It's a faite-a-com-plan
10:49What about the old afters then, eh?
10:52I'll go and get it
10:53Yeah
11:03I will like you
11:05All right, all right
11:07Don't worry
11:08Because custard is his forte
11:12Oh, my God
11:17Do you like your Christmas pudding really well done?
11:23Oh, my God
11:36Ladies and gentlemen
11:37Freddy Osler will attempt
11:40the incredibly difficult
11:42triple subassault
11:43Ladies and gentlemen
11:45Freddy Osler
12:19Sorry.
12:24I don't like circuses.
12:31What?
12:32I don't like circuses.
12:36Never have liked them.
12:38Shiffy.
12:40Never will like them, circuses.
12:43You made your point, Roddy. Why don't you switch over?
12:46Nah.
12:53Oh, there's one on the other side.
12:55Is there? What a shame.
12:58It's a pity you don't like them, because you could be having a whale of a time now, couldn't you?
13:02Yeah, I'll put a sock in it for half an hour now, will you?
13:13Good living in a tar block, isn't it, though?
13:15Yeah, mustard. The Queen don't know what she's missing.
13:19Look at that view, eh?
13:21On a clear day, you can see the ground.
13:27It's boring.
13:31Boring, boring, boring.
13:37Boring!
13:41Boring!
13:42Come on, come on, come on, come on.
13:43You've won in a minute, Rodney.
13:48Well, nothing's open out there and I'm bored.
13:50What?
13:50Hang about and I'll see if I can get on the phone and knock you up the Mardi Gras.
13:56Everyone's bored.
13:58Christmas is a religious festival. It's meant to be boring.
14:03I thought we were supposed to be celebrating the birth of our Lord.
14:06A time of great joy.
14:07It is a time of great joy. That's why everything's closed.
14:10Everyone's at home enjoying themselves like us.
14:14Enjoying themselves?
14:15Yeah, where's me nuts?
14:21Just take a look at it out there, Del.
14:23It's like a neutron bomb's hit it.
14:25The buildings are still standing but there's no sign of life.
14:30Nah.
14:31British nation has forgotten how to enjoy itself.
14:34We're all charging towards a cliff edge of terminal boredom,
14:38like a herd of them, er...
14:41Oh, what's them things what commit suicide all the time?
14:43Japanese.
14:47Lemmings.
14:47Yeah, like a herd of lemmings.
14:51Let's go out somewhere, Del, eh?
14:52There's better be a pub or a club open somewhere.
14:55It's Christmas night, Rodney.
14:58The Monte Carlo Club, New Cross, that's open.
15:01Then again, it is a bit rough.
15:02Oh, rough, is it?
15:03Yes, it's all those big men drinking beer and burping.
15:06Great big tart, you.
15:08All right, then, let's go down to the Monte Carlo.
15:10You get a few birds down there, might be able to pull a couple.
15:13No, I don't want to go out, Rodney.
15:15Oh, well, you're boring as well.
15:16You're hardly a go on the big dipper yourself, Rodney.
15:19Well, why don't you want to go out?
15:21Well, I shall tell you why, shall I?
15:22It may have slipped your notice, but there are three people living in this flat.
15:25You, me, and that scruffy little old man that does funny things to turkeys.
15:30Namely our grandfather.
15:31I mean, they're not seriously suggesting that we push off out of it and leave him here on his own,
15:35are you?
15:36Well, we often leave him on his own.
15:37Yeah, but not on Christmas night, Rodney.
15:39Not on Christmas night.
15:41Yeah, but we sit in with him every Christmas.
15:43He wouldn't mind just this once.
15:44No, he would pretend that he wouldn't mind.
15:47But you don't know what would be going on in his little mind as he sat in this empty flat
15:50on his own.
15:51You know, thinking about the good old days when mum and dad were here and Christmas time was a great
15:58big family affair.
16:00And we're still family, Rodney.
16:02So you're going to stay in with me and granddad and watch, you know, the sound of music.
16:06I don't like the sound of music.
16:08I want to switch over.
16:09What's on?
16:10The circus.
16:11I want to go out, Del.
16:14Listen, Rodney.
16:15There are a lot of old people all over the country tonight sitting on their own.
16:19Now, half of them don't get a Christmas card, let alone a bit of company.
16:23So you're going to stay in with me and granddad.
16:26Look, if I want to go out, I'll go out.
16:29You won't.
16:30I will.
16:31You won't, Rodney.
16:32I will, Del.
16:33You won't.
16:34I will.
16:34You won't.
16:35I will.
16:36Off out now.
16:37See you.
16:39See you later, granddad.
16:41You won't.
16:42I will.
16:42Listen, if I...
16:44Oi!
16:45Oi!
16:46Just a minute.
16:47Where do you think you're going?
16:48I'm going to the old folks' Christmas duo at the community centre.
16:52I thought anything would be better than sitting in here all night listening to you two arguing.
16:57Tell us what happens in the sound of music.
17:01See ya.
17:02Yes.
17:03I'll see you, granddad.
17:06Well, that's terrific, that is, isn't it?
17:09Charming.
17:10He goes out gallivanting.
17:11We have to stay in and watch Julie Andrews.
17:13Oh, no, brother.
17:15Definitely not.
17:17Let's put our glad rags on and hit the Monte Carlo club, eh?
17:20Yeah.
17:21Right.
17:22Now, listen.
17:22I'll have a bath first, because there's hardly any hot water left.
17:26Right.
17:26You fit yourself a drink, make yourself comfortable, and watch the circus.
17:30All right?
17:31Right.
17:33Now, let's go.
17:37May I love you...
17:41May I love you...
17:44May I love you...
17:53May I love you...
18:02Oi, John.
18:04Here's Remy Martin with cream soda and lots of ice
18:07and half a lager.
18:10Hello, my son. You all right, Earl?
18:12Hello, dull boy. Nice Christmas.
18:14Oh, yeah, blinder.
18:16Where's the enemy?
18:17She took the kids over her mum's.
18:19Oh, yeah?
18:20Here, how's the old man?
18:22Up and down like Tower Bridge.
18:24Still in hospital, unconscious most of the time.
18:27You know, when he wakes up, he's done where he is.
18:31Oh.
18:32Well, next time when he comes round again,
18:35you wish him a Merry Christmas from me and Rodney.
18:37Yeah.
18:37Oh, well, dull.
18:38Yeah.
18:39What's, uh, what's wrong with him?
18:43I can't pronounce it.
18:47Oh, yeah. How much is that, please?
18:4998, three.
18:5098, there you are. Keep your change.
18:51Now, listen, Earl.
18:53Now, listen, my son.
18:54This is what you want to do.
18:56Next time you're up to the hospital,
18:57you get hold of one of them surgeons, you know,
18:58they're the guys in the little white jackets, you know.
19:00You say to him that your old dad wants some antibiotics.
19:04Antibi...
19:04That is an-e-bi-o-tics, right?
19:11Hang on, look, I'll write it down for you.
19:12Rodney, give me that replay I gave you for your Christmas present.
19:15There.
19:15Right.
19:17Now then, let's see.
19:18You're being a bit pushy, ain't you?
19:19Eh?
19:20I mean, don't you think the hospital's already thought of that?
19:22What, that bunch of wallies?
19:24Leave it out.
19:25Oh, no, these are magic things, these are, Earl.
19:28I mean, they work a treat.
19:29God knows where they get them from.
19:30Yeah, do you remember when Grandad was in hospital about 18 months back,
19:33they gave him so many of these antibiotics
19:36that one day he sneezed and two other blokes got better?
19:41Yeah, well, there you are, there it is.
19:43Don't take that to a chemist, will you?
19:44Because it ain't a prescription.
19:46No, I won't, though, boy.
19:47And thanks a lot.
19:48That's really nice of you.
19:49Well, that's all right, my son.
19:50Now, you have a good Christmas, you hear?
19:52Yeah, all right.
19:53Come on, Rodney.
19:56Well, you are something else, you are.
19:58Eh?
19:58I mean, you've stuck your nose in where it weren't wanted a good few times,
20:01but this takes the biscuit, doesn't it?
20:03I mean, suddenly you're a miracle worker.
20:05Listen, listen, Rodney.
20:07Now, life has been pretty gutty for Earl quite recently.
20:11First of all, he got made redundant,
20:12and then it's been like that between him and his missus,
20:15and then to top it all, his old man collapses in the nags head
20:18right across the table where me and Trig were sitting.
20:20It was terrible.
20:21All the glasses went flying and everything.
20:23Yeah?
20:24No.
20:24What, serious?
20:26No, I only had about that much left.
20:29No, I mean, he can't afford a private hospital.
20:32Wanted to take his old man to Lourdes,
20:34but he couldn't afford the fare.
20:35The way his luck's been going, he couldn't afford the fare at the Leeds,
20:37let alone Lourdes.
20:41I've just given him a little bit of false hope, haven't I, eh?
20:43Like a light at the end of the tunnel, straw to grab at.
20:48Bit of promise for the new year.
20:54Yeah, but, I mean,
20:55what if he tells the hospital to administer these drugs, eh?
20:58I mean, what if they finish the old man off?
21:00Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
21:02What do you think they are at that hospital, a bunch of wallies?
21:05You say...
21:05Come on, you Egy.
21:08You're flash, you are, isn't you?
21:10You think you know the lot, don't you?
21:13Everything about you is...
21:15Larry.
21:18What do you mean, Larry?
21:19Look at the way you dress to begin with, eh?
21:22What?
21:22I mean, you make a Christmas tree look sombre.
21:25God knows how you've got the courage to walk down dark alleys wearing all that gold.
21:29When they see you coming, you must look like a muggers' pension scheme.
21:33Listen, how do you think a peacock attracts a lady peacock, eh?
21:38With his plumage, right?
21:40Well, this is my plumage.
21:42You see, when I approach a bird, she doesn't see the real me, the young, good-looking man
21:47about town, own teeth and all that sort of game.
21:50She sees, in her subconscious, a white yacht floating on the blue waters of a Caribbean
21:56bay.
21:57Is that right?
21:58Yeah.
21:59With you, they see a Winkle Barge sinking off the end of South End Pier.
22:03No, because I don't need all the bullying and the perfume and the white shoes, because
22:07I'm natural.
22:08I'm me, Del.
22:09I'm me.
22:09Yes, I know you're you.
22:11That's why you always end up with a dog.
22:12I do not go out with dogs.
22:14Oh, leave it off, Rodney.
22:15You've had more dogs than Crufts.
22:18The other week, Grandad took your suit to the cleaners.
22:20They found a muzzle in the pocket.
22:22No.
22:23No, Rodney.
22:24I know the secret, you see.
22:25That's why I always blag the good'uns, you know, the air hostesses and the part-time
22:29models.
22:30Oh, yes, bruv.
22:31I've got the secret.
22:33Never fails me.
22:39Got a bone, Andy Rodders.
22:40I think you just cracked it again.
22:42LAUGHTER
22:45That's when I get the shit that's all over me.
23:06What can I do with a sit-down, my pen's a half aching.
23:09It's amazing, isn't it?
23:10Look at us, eh?
23:11The Peckham Playboys.
23:13I bet the only one who's pulled tonight is Grandad.
23:15Yeah, well, you ought to be used to it.
23:17The only thing you ever pull at Christmas is your cracker.
23:20Here, look, there's a table free over there, Rodders.
23:22Go on, look lively.
23:29Hey, Del, look.
23:31Oh, what?
23:32Look.
23:33Oh, no, they've only pinched our table.
23:35Well, never mind about the table.
23:36Look at them two.
23:37Yeah, well, I wanted to sit down.
23:38Well, sit up there, table.
23:40Come on.
23:47Well, go on, then, Del.
23:49Go on what?
23:50Do the piss, I'll chat them up.
23:52How come it's always me that's got to do all the donkey work, eh?
23:55You're like the spy, you hardrodders.
23:57You're the one who finds out where the enemy is hiding,
23:59but I'm the one who's got to charge across no-man's land
24:01and do the capturing.
24:02Well, I think it's about time that you took some of the old shot and shell.
24:05Go on.
24:06What, make you chat them up?
24:08Yeah, go on.
24:11All right, I'll do it.
24:13Go on, then.
24:15I will.
24:21What are you doing?
24:26Eh?
24:26What are you doing?
24:27Psyching myself up.
24:30It's all right, be with you any minute, girls.
24:32He's just psyching himself up.
24:33Shut up!
24:34Oh, come on, look, behave yourself.
24:37Now, look, this is kamikaze time.
24:38Now, go on, get over there.
24:39I will.
24:40Well, go on, then.
24:41In my own time, Del.
24:44All right.
24:53Well, go on, then.
24:55Well, just shut up, will you?
24:58Well, here.
25:08Oi!
25:09Soppy!
25:10Come here!
25:12Come here!
25:17I'd like to kill you sometimes.
25:19Sometimes I'd really like to work you bad.
25:21What was that silly walk for? Your gut's playing you up again.
25:24It was not a silly walk, it was body language.
25:26Look, I've got this book on it.
25:28Body language? I thought you were limping.
25:30I was talking to him.
25:32Talking? You were lisping?
25:33What were you supposed to be saying?
25:35The walk was saying...
25:37pelvis.
25:39Virility.
25:40It was saying, now here comes a man who's got natural masculinity and maturity.
25:45From back here it was saying,
25:47here comes a man with his truss on back to front.
25:50Just don't do it.
25:52Right? Don't do it.
25:54Now go over again and this time walk normal.
25:58Well, I'm not going back there now, am I?
26:00I made myself look a right lemon.
26:01No, you haven't. Go on.
26:02What, after a boring attempt halfway through?
26:04No, you go.
26:05Well, after you made a right lemon of yourself?
26:07No way, brother, no.
26:09Now, listen.
26:10Come here, look.
26:11Tell you what we'll do.
26:12We'll act cool, right?
26:13Just come on, stroll casually over to the bar.
26:15We'll get ourselves a drink
26:17and then when they're not looking...
26:19Sneak out.
26:20We'll sneak...
26:21No.
26:21When they're not looking,
26:23we'll ambush them.
26:26You, Wally.
26:28Come on.
26:46Hey, Del.
26:47No, I've got it.
26:48I've got it.
26:48No, just now.
26:49Shut up.
26:49Shut up!
26:51This is what we're going to do.
26:54You're going to leave the club.
26:56Leave?
26:57Yeah.
26:58Then when you get outside,
26:59you leave it a couple of minutes, right?
27:00Then you come back to the dormant
27:01and you say that there is a brand new
27:03Rolls-Royce Corniche
27:05obstructing your freewheel van.
27:08Why?
27:08Well, because then he'll come on the mic,
27:10won't he, and say,
27:10will the owner of the brand new
27:12Rolls-Royce Corniche
27:13kindly move it
27:14as it is obstructing some saps
27:16freewheel van.
27:17See, then I will casually get up,
27:20jangle in my keys,
27:22and join you outside.
27:26Why?
27:28Well, because them birds will think
27:30that I drive a brand new
27:31Rolls-Royce Corniche,
27:32won't they?
27:33Oh, yeah.
27:36Yeah, but they'll also think
27:37that I drive a three-wheel van.
27:40Yeah, well, you do, don't you?
27:41No, I know I do,
27:42but I don't want them knowing that,
27:43do I?
27:44Well, they won't, will they?
27:45Because you'll be outside.
27:47With you?
27:48Right.
27:50So that means
27:51the girls will be in here
27:53in the warm,
27:54and us two shrewdies
27:55will be outside on the pavement
27:56somewhere congratulating each other,
27:58then we're going to have to pay
28:00to get back in again.
28:07Yeah, all right.
28:08Yeah.
28:08All right, then, clever dick.
28:11All right, what we'll do,
28:11we'll play it by you.
28:12We'll just go over there
28:13and engage them in conversation, right?
28:15Right.
28:15Right.
28:20I know I'll do it a minute, Dale.
28:21What?
28:22What sort of conversation
28:23are you going to engage them in, eh?
28:25I mean, you always tell lies, don't you?
28:26You always say,
28:27oh, yeah, you've got flash cars
28:29and we're film producers
28:30and we've got a private jet,
28:31don't you?
28:32Well, everyone exaggerates
28:33now and then, Rodney.
28:34Yeah, but I don't know what to say.
28:35I get embarrassed.
28:37Look, just tell them the truth, right?
28:39Just tell them about our lives
28:40and what we do.
28:41All right, all right.
28:43I just want to sit down.
28:44You can do the talking.
28:45Right.
28:47Now, why was it, Dale?
28:48Oh, God almighty.
28:50But what shall I say to them?
28:52What?
28:53Well, I don't know.
28:54Why don't you tell them
28:55that you went down the auction on Friday
28:56and bought a 1962 A40?
28:59That you sold 30 Christmas trees
29:00in the market
29:01and knocked out two gross
29:02of fire-salvaged Rubik cubes
29:03in Croydon Shopping Precinct?
29:05You know, tantalise them, Rodney.
29:07Tantalise them.
29:09Don't think it might bore them?
29:10No.
29:11They won't have had so much fun
29:12since their last exorcism.
29:14We can talk about Christmas.
29:16Yeah, that's a good idea.
29:16Tell them all about the giblets.
29:19Come on.
29:21No, Dale, I'll get it.
29:22Look, I shall kick you in the...
29:25shins in a minute.
29:26Now what?
29:27Which one do you fancy?
29:29Not yours.
29:30Look, they're both very nice.
29:33Look, I ain't particular.
29:35No, I ain't particular neither.
29:37Good.
29:37I'll have the blonde one then.
29:38No, I fancy the blonde one.
29:40Gordon, then it.
29:42Now, listen.
29:43The dark-haired one is very nice.
29:45And if I'm not mistaken,
29:47I've seen her two or three times
29:48coming out of Guy's Hospital.
29:50Now, either she is a very sick girl
29:51or she's a nurse.
29:52Now, you like a nice nurse, don't you, eh?
29:55Particularly if they're in uniform, eh?
29:58Well, you know, take it or leave it, you know.
30:00Anyway, she's not wearing a uniform, is she?
30:03Well, of course she ain't.
30:04You don't come to the Monte Carlo Club
30:06dressed up like Sister George, do you?
30:08But on the other hand,
30:09she might have a uniform with her.
30:11Oh, yeah, stuffed in her handbag
30:14in case she sees an accident on the way home.
30:17All right, so she hasn't got a uniform with her.
30:19On the other hand,
30:20she might have something for your stomach,
30:22mightn't she?
30:23Now, come along.
30:24We're going to make our move
30:25and I'm going to do all the talking.
30:27So if you should hear things like
30:29Lamborghini, Malibu Beach
30:30or Lady Diana,
30:32don't get nervous.
30:34All right.
30:34All right.
30:45You dozy little twonk, Rodney.
30:48Me?
30:48Don't blame me, girl.
30:49It's your fault.
30:50Look, five minutes ago,
30:51I was ready to make my move
30:52and you kept calling me back again.
30:54An hour ago,
30:55I was halfway across that floor
30:56and you called me back.
30:57Yes, that's because you was doing
30:58a silly walk, weren't you?
31:00But anyway,
31:01your timing was all wrong.
31:02The girls had hardly sat down
31:03and you were steaming across the floor
31:05like Ivor the engine.
31:07Too good crashing in there
31:08with a smile and a prayer.
31:11A woman needs time, Rodney.
31:13Yeah, well, them tactics
31:14have never failed me in the past.
31:15Well, I know, it wouldn't do
31:16with them oval teenies
31:17that you chat up.
31:18Listen, I've heard your line of patter, my son.
31:21If they don't know Adamant's birthday
31:22or the Chelsea result,
31:23it's Goodnight Vienna, isn't it?
31:25With me, it's different.
31:27I take a woman's feelings
31:29into consideration.
31:31I do.
31:33Look, when a woman goes out with me,
31:35she is guaranteed three things.
31:37Well, four, actually,
31:39but the fourth is an optional extra.
31:40She is guaranteed a well-dressed man.
31:44Yes, she is.
31:46She's guaranteed a steak meal
31:47and she is guaranteed
31:49care and consideration.
31:51Oh, now, come...
31:51Oh, yes, she is.
31:54Take a woman's feelings
31:55into consideration.
31:56No, it's...
31:57It's so easy to hurt her deeply
31:59with a thoughtless word,
32:00a sadly-timed gesture.
32:04No, I care about women's feelings.
32:07There's too much pain in this world, Rodney,
32:09without me causing more.
32:20Oh, no...
32:22Excuse me, ladies,
32:23it's getting rather late
32:24and my brother and I
32:25were wondering
32:26if you were thinking
32:27about going home yet.
32:28Oh, yes,
32:29we were just going to get our coats.
32:31Oh, good.
32:32We can have your chairs in,
32:33can't we?
32:34Come on, come on, Jeremy.
32:38Excuse me.
32:59No income tax,
33:01no V-A-T,
33:02No money back, no guarantee
33:05Black or white, rich or broke
33:09We'll cut prices and a straw
33:13God bless Hooky Street
33:16Viva Hooky Street
33:19Long live Hooky Street
33:22Saint-Magnifique Hooky Street
33:25Magnifique Hooky Street
33:30Hooky Street
33:32Hooky Street