- 5 months ago
Eddie steals a car belonging to rugby captain 'Cannonball' Taffy O'Jones and in it are the hotel tickets for Cannonball and his new bride. Intent on having a free holiday Richie and Eddie turn up at the honeymoon hotel though Eddie is not happy at having to impersonate a woman and share a bed with Richie.
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FunTranscript
00:00作詞・作曲・編曲 初音ミク
00:30I wasn't I wasn't I'm bloody well wasn't
00:43I was not out you were bloody bloody bloody wasn't look the umpire's decision is final
00:57but you weren't even looking the right way I was you weren't any you weren't even on the pitch
01:04yeah but I've got the coach haven't I Edward you were in the bar yeah but I could still see I was
01:14looking out of the window it's about 200 yards away how could you tell I was out well Spudgun told me
01:20Spudgun was the captain of the opposite team uh yes uh but it was his round I didn't want to
01:28ruffle his feathers you know look look look I wasn't out it was a no ball look listen to me right
01:34I'm English right I invented this game racially now when you bowl when you bowl you're supposed
01:40to walk nicely back to your mark get that sort of far away look on your face masturbate enigmatically
01:49you know for about four or five minutes so the cameras can all get you in focus
01:56and then it's time for lopty lopty lop nice and gentle over the arm pop Richie gets a six round
02:12of applause gentlemanly conduct welcome to the crease everyone thinks I'm great right
02:16well that psychotic Welsh bastard cannonball taffy o jones doesn't want to know anything
02:24about that he just stands there behind the wicket looks at me and goes you ignorant English wanker
02:29whams the ball straight at me before I'd had any chance to do all that nice hoovering stuff with
02:35the bat and the crease next thing I know I'm lying in a pile of stumps and blood
02:40I tell you that is the last time I'm stepping out for the shepherd's bush spud you like irregulars
02:45second eleven yes all right all right I've got a bad leg I'm not surprised the way you polish the ball
02:53we had a tea break waiting for your second delivery did you hey never mind look on the bright side
03:02we've made the health and profit of four hats five jumpers and three pairs of trousers three
03:10pairs of trousers yeah things got a bit racy in the bar afterwards I don't remember that no well you were
03:18lying unconscious in the middle of the pitch in the pouring rain at the time that's what started off the
03:23merriment actually even old Ted unlucky suicide mcgloomy had a bit of a laugh so much so his rectum
03:32prolapsed that's a result so long as I can make someone happy did you check the pockets is the Pope
03:44Jewish hat no isn't he oh well I checked him anyway and well I'm afraid to say the recession is
03:56biting deep everywhere Richie uh two pounds seventeen and six in old money a strange voodoo dollar
04:05view covered in pins and cannonball toffee o jones is cockies
04:19are you thinking what I'm thinking I don't know I'm thinking about that weather girl Suzanne Charlton
04:45stripped naked and covered in Marmite on the end of a bungee rope what are you thinking uh well
04:55something else actually not getting trapped on the rings with that black-haired gladiators legs
05:01wrapped around your face again no no no I haven't thought about that for weeks I really must pop
05:08upstairs later I'm a good hard think about that now I was thinking about that Welsh cricket cheat
05:13cannonball taffy o jones fantasy not your strong suit is it Richie shut up shut up I've got a plan
05:21we're gonna take these keys right yeah we're gonna get inside taffy o bastards car right and you know
05:27that little light next to the rearview mirror yeah I'm gonna switch that on then when no one's looking
05:33we're gonna scarper and within a couple of weeks I think that guy's probably gonna have a pretty flat
05:39battery scary dairy I'm gonna bloody do it where do you think his car is well he's getting married
05:51this afternoon is he yeah that was his stag cricket match that's why he was allowed to use the slingshot
05:58oh I see hey does that mean we're going to the wedding no you were only there so he could knock you
06:05unconscious it was a wedding present from the lads oh nice so who's he getting married to well you know
06:19Ted Rogers he's not he's not getting married to Ted Rogers no he's getting married to that bird from
06:27the abattoir that looks like Ted Rogers well that's a shame isn't it be nice to be married to Ted Rogers
06:36yeah yeah three two one three two one God I bet he's good in bed so which church are they getting married in I sat at that
06:48that Welsh one saint saint I know it saint that's it the one with all the gob running down the walls
06:58well righty-ho then let's grab our hankies and get down there yucky yaw did you get the stockings
07:08I've got the tights what well that's all that was hanging on the line oh well do you get any knickers
07:16no oh well never mind we'll run with the tights I can't see a bloody thing now where's the car
07:26um probably over there behind the gusset all right let's do it they didn't wash them very well did
07:35they that might be me is it yeah oh well never mind come on let's do it right I'll break in
07:41you keep a look out Eddie you keep a look out all right it's no good Eddie I'm gonna have to drop
07:52my half of the disguise are you sure that's wise well medically it is yes me eyes are beginning to
07:56sting because of the niff do it right me me me miney oh well done Eddie ah we did it
08:12why don't we park the car around the corner where he can't find it
08:23I'm gonna bloody do it Eddie what how do you actually drive a car well you wait till no one's
08:33looking then you grab the wires from under the dashboard and jam them together until the engine
08:37fires up then you drink another can of special brew post office and put a brick on the accelerator
08:44all right well I'll just stick the key in and see what happens
08:49righto
08:50special offer right step on it I think I've noticed I don't know how to try shit shit my dumb butt
09:14yeah well we are on the right-hand side of the road
09:24it's a lover's romantic save a bargain luxury glamorous weekend break for two
09:41these must be taffy o'jones honeymoon tickets
09:46where is it the marvelloso splendido hotel oh where's that Wolverhampton
10:04oh wow hey Eddie yeah which way is Wolverhampton what it must be over one of these hills right
10:12uh eeny meeny mine we'll just take the quick route right you are
10:15we're going hedge
10:17wow that's a bit rude isn't it richie no no it was it was a cow
10:26what are those two big hairy things coming out of a hedge oh that's just a pair of bullocks
10:34is this my car that's all right then put your trousers back on
10:38wow marvelloso
10:50All right, Mrs. O'Jones.
11:01All right, Mr. O'Jones.
11:04Let's have some fun.
11:06Yeah.
11:06See how much of a bill we can work up in three days.
11:09Yeah, that'll teach that Welsh bastard.
11:12Let's go.
11:13Oh, Eddie, Eddie.
11:14What?
11:16You've got your jugs on the wrong way around.
11:18What?
11:20It said lifts and separates, not slings them round the back.
11:27I mean, they're absolute crackers, Eddie.
11:31They're just back to front.
11:32Well, just that, naturally.
11:40Ah, you must be the happy couple.
11:43Pass.
11:44Yes.
11:45Yes, correct.
11:47Which one of you is Mrs. O'Jones?
11:50That'll be me.
11:54There are some flowers here for you.
11:57My God.
11:57What'd you take me for?
11:59Some sort of baggy trousered ballet enthusiast?
12:02Give me a large scotch and a top of your men are in the...
12:05Oh, no, I mean...
12:05Leave them alone.
12:06It doesn't mean that they're only with me cheeks.
12:08If we not, leave them alone.
12:10I'm sorry.
12:11She had a bit too much vodka in the church.
12:13Don't worry.
12:14I'll give her a good kicking once we get upstairs.
12:17Right.
12:17The bridal suite is ready for you.
12:22The what?
12:23Well, you're in the bridal suite.
12:27No, no, no.
12:28No.
12:29No, no, no, no, no.
12:30No, no, no.
12:31No, no, no.
12:32No, we'd rather have two single rooms, if that's OK.
12:36Oh, dear.
12:37Things not going swimmingly.
12:39Never mind.
12:40Most couples are rather nervous at this stage.
12:42No, you don't understand.
12:43I do not want to spend a night in the same room as her.
12:46Him.
12:47It.
12:48Well, I'm afraid we have no single rooms available.
12:51Yeah, but what if I want to have a wank?
12:58A wangle?
13:01It's a medieval folk dance.
13:03What if I want to have a medieval folk dance on me own in the middle of the night?
13:07I'm afraid the bridal suite is all we have.
13:10Oh, he's chesty mine, Herbs.
13:12What sort of hotel do you call this?
13:14A full one.
13:16Yeah, good answer.
13:17Yeah, yeah, well done.
13:19Well, all right then, Eddie.
13:21Eddie Weiner.
13:23You'll just have to sleep on the sofa.
13:26On my honeymoon?
13:28Sleep on the sofa on my honeymoon?
13:32My mother warned me about you, you bastard.
13:35You...
13:36You...
13:37You...
13:38Oh, I've suffered in the name of love.
13:42Only women bleed.
13:47Yeah, I think I'd dispute that, actually, Eddie.
13:49All right, have you had enough or do you want some more?
13:51All right, all right, I've had plenty.
13:52Of course, you can have the bed, darling.
13:55Why, thank you, tulip.
13:57Oh, and daffodil.
13:58Yes, carnation?
13:59Get this!
14:01Whoa!
14:02Oh, me bollop!
14:05I mean, me girl's bitch.
14:08I mean, me nothings at all.
14:10Oh, in fact, thank goodness I am a girl, otherwise I would have really hurt.
14:15I think I'm going to pass out, you know.
14:19Yep, I was right.
14:22Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
14:25She only got married this morning.
14:27She's still a little on the shy, unconscious side.
14:31Come along, darling.
14:32Let's slap on a condom and get on with it.
14:34What time's dinner?
14:37Seven o'clock.
14:38Seven o'...
14:39But that's 20 minutes away.
14:41Oh, God, I'm going to have to do it four times.
14:44Yo, heave-ho!
14:51Your bags, sir.
14:52What are they showing?
14:54Oh, no!
14:55Oh, see what you mean, yes.
14:57Yeah, it's a jolly good place to put them.
14:59Excellent, yes.
15:01What?
15:01Sard of!
15:02You earn more money than I do.
15:04You ought to be giving me some of yours.
15:06Bloody bastard.
15:10Ah.
15:12Oh.
15:14Looks like an opportunity for a little medieval folk dance in the bathroom.
15:22Oh.
15:24Hello.
15:26You're one of those sort of servant girls, aren't you?
15:30If I may say so, er, that's a smashing blouse you have on.
15:36I've just brought you complimentary honeymoon biscuits.
15:40Oh, you raven-haired temptress from below stairs.
15:43I expect you're rather nervous to meet me, aren't you?
15:49Don't be nervous.
15:51I'm not.
15:51Oh, a spirited filly.
15:55Ha!
15:55And good teeth, too.
15:57Yes.
15:58Yes, fine stock.
16:00Hmm.
16:01Firm.
16:02Do you mind?
16:03Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
16:06It's interesting, this relationship, isn't it?
16:08Interesting in what?
16:09Why?
16:10Well, in that you're the servant girl and I'm the master.
16:15And you have to do everything I say.
16:22I was wondering if you wanted me to turn your bed down.
16:29What do you mean?
16:31Well, some of the guests like me to pull the sheets down a bit.
16:34Do they?
16:37Yes.
16:37Yes, and while you're at it, I'd like you to get down on all fours and scrub out the fireplace so your bum wobbles about the place.
16:46Oh, and while we're on the subject, I wonder if you could show me how to use the shower.
16:57Well, um...
16:58You just turn these taps on, are you?
17:07No, no.
17:08I mean, I wonder if you could properly show me how to use it.
17:12You know, get your kit off and...
17:14Get all sort of soapy and let rivulets of water run between your heaving breasts.
17:21I thought you just got married this morning.
17:24Oh, well, yes, I did.
17:25You see, but my wife doesn't understand me.
17:26I think you'll find I understand you only to...
17:31Edwina, this is not what it seems.
17:34You were trying to pork her.
17:37No, no, no.
17:38I simply don't understand how the shower works.
17:41He was trying to pork me, you know.
17:43Of course he was, my dear.
17:45Men.
17:46Sure.
17:48They're only ever after one thing.
17:51Sexist bastards.
17:52Us birds should stick together.
17:59Maybe in the nude.
18:02Tell me, my dear.
18:05Are you at all interested in the pleasures of Sappho?
18:09Perhaps you'd like to come on a winter wonderland waterbed cruise to the Isle of Lesbos.
18:14You're worse than your husband.
18:26I'll tell you what, bitch.
18:28If anyone else keeps me in their knackers, this charade is going to be increasingly difficult to sustain.
18:33And they're getting pretty hard to conceal.
18:35I mean, they must be about this big.
18:37It's all right, Eddie.
18:38All right, all right.
18:39Shut up.
18:40Act posh or we get found out.
18:41I shall have.
18:48Can I help you, sir?
18:49Not just now, thanks.
18:53Good evening, madame.
18:56Do I know you?
18:57Do you have a reservation?
18:59Yeah.
19:00I'm not sure we're going to get away with this.
19:04Would madame like to come through?
19:06How dare you?
19:11Mon Dieu.
19:12Mon Dieu, qu'est-ce qu'est-ce pas?
19:14Eddie, Eddie, I mean, Edwina, don't bop the waiter.
19:17This is a Porsche car.
19:18Sexist bastards.
19:21My wife doesn't speak French, but je do.
19:25Jacques Delors, Tour de France, garlic suppository.
19:31Pop-o van.
19:33Edwina, don't be so foul.
19:34I'm sorry, she just got married this morning.
19:36She's still a bit frisky.
19:37Well, you'd understand that.
19:38You're a frog, aren't you?
19:40Now then, where is Jeux's table for Jeux and Jeux's missiles?
19:43Would you care to walk this way?
19:47I'd rather not.
19:48Well, I'm afraid I have to.
19:52These saucy honeymoon Andes are a bit on the cutting severe side.
19:58Don't you worry, Eddie, you can always take them off later.
20:01Or maybe I'll rip them off with my bare teeth.
20:03Oh no, it's not a girl, it's Eddie, it's Eddie.
20:06It's not a girl, it's Eddie.
20:07It's not a girl, it's Eddie.
20:08Oh God, I hope I don't get drunk.
20:10Here we are.
20:13Yeah, well, I can see that.
20:16Madame?
20:19Oi, careful of me jugs, don't pop them.
20:24Would you like to see the menu?
20:25Yeah, I'd better have a look at it now.
20:27I'll probably be too pissed to read it after now.
20:29Oh yes, this is a very poncy menu, isn't it?
20:33Yes, very poncy.
20:35It's all in French, yes.
20:36Don't understand a word of it.
20:38Yes, marvellous.
20:39What do you recommend?
20:40The chef does a very good red mullet.
20:44Oh really?
20:44Well, he does a very good Leonard Rossiter, don't he?
20:46No.
20:47No.
20:48Now what?
20:49No, no.
20:49Now what?
20:50No, all right, it is brilliant.
20:52Right, shut up everybody, shut up.
20:54All of you, shut up.
20:55You, you, shut it.
20:58Now, all right.
20:59Now, I'm only going to do this once, right?
21:01Because once I get started, I never start.
21:04Because I am bonkers, right?
21:07Okay, here goes Leonard Rossiter.
21:11Oh, Miss Jones.
21:14Oh, Miss Jones.
21:17Well, that was incredible.
21:21I've never seen anyone clear a restaurant so quickly.
21:24What?
21:25That's all, what would you like, madame?
21:28Entree.
21:30What do you mean?
21:32Here, in the restaurant?
21:34I'd rather not thank you.
21:35I think we'll just have a main course.
21:36Oh, cover, that's enough of all the bollocks.
21:39Look, Audrey, man to man.
21:42Well, bird to man, obviously.
21:44We just want two plates of top class swanky-not, all right?
21:47The top, the class, the swanky, the noshy.
21:50Com' brandy, noony, noony.
21:51Oh, oh, and I'll have a large scotch.
21:55A double?
21:56No, half a pint.
21:59And for the gentleman?
22:01Oh, well, diddly-diddly-doo.
22:03What is a top class swanky-tipple?
22:06Depends where you come from, sir.
22:08Oh, well, I come from Hammersmith.
22:12Half of mine.
22:13Yes, that'd be lovely.
22:16I'm bugging an umbrella in it.
22:18Would you like to see the wine list?
22:20Um, well, I think we'll just have one of each.
22:24Very well.
22:25One red, one white.
22:28No, no, one of each number.
22:30Certainly.
22:31And now, bugger off again.
22:35Hey, hey, and Audrey.
22:37No dribbling in the gravy.
22:40We know what you French are like.
22:41Oh, yeah, and while we're on the subject,
22:43no hollowing out the fish fingers and poking dog shit in.
22:49Yeah, because you get me every time with that, don't you?
22:53I certainly do.
22:56Very good, sir.
22:57Now, if you'll excuse me,
22:58I think I'm getting a hernia
23:00with laughing so much.
23:03Yeah, well, we are pretty crazy, guys.
23:06You have to watch it around us, too.
23:07Well, except that I'm a bird.
23:10Oh, yeah, except that he's a bird.
23:12Oh, he's gone.
23:14Charming, man.
23:15Oh, lovely.
23:15That is marvellous service.
23:17Hey, do you think you're on?
23:19It's hard to tell.
23:21This peekaboo bra is so tight
23:22it's cut off the circulation to my head.
23:26The alpha pint of whiskey is gone.
23:28That's for me.
23:29And the glass of brown shit
23:31with the fairy liquid on top is...
23:32Great.
23:35I'll have another three of those.
23:36Yes, thank you.
23:38I think this could be
23:39a very entertaining evening.
23:41Hey, it's no wonder us birds
23:56wear high heels, is it?
23:58I mean, these are your rivals
23:59a bit on the high side, aren't they?
24:03Hey, you're a proper bird, aren't you?
24:06I'll just finish off here
24:07then we can have a bit of a bunk-up
24:08in one of the cubicles, all right?
24:10I beg your pardon?
24:12Look, it's all right.
24:14My husband doesn't understand me.
24:17Why not?
24:18Because I'm too pissed
24:19to talk most of the time.
24:21Come on, it'll be all right.
24:22I'm a lesbian, you know.
24:29Yes, we used the A40 most of the way.
24:32Yes, yes.
24:33Had an awful lot of trouble
24:34getting over the River Severn.
24:36We used a bridge in the end, yes.
24:39Hmm?
24:40No, I don't know what kind of car it is.
24:42It's the orange one in the car park
24:43with all the dents
24:44and the blood splattered up the side.
24:46You know, the dead cow poking out the boot.
24:48You could have had a couple of chops
24:50if you'd liked.
24:51Not at all, not at all.
24:53Yes, I suppose I am a bit of a great bloke,
24:55really, aren't I?
24:56Yes.
24:57Ha-ha.
25:00That was a nice chat.
25:03Shame I haven't got someone real to talk to.
25:06Bridge!
25:06Bridge!
25:07Excuse me, Sir Robert.
25:09She who must be obeyed beckoneth.
25:11What?
25:12Well, you must come down
25:13and shoot my grass sometime.
25:15Yes, his name's Keith.
25:16Bridge!
25:18Coming! Fruit salad!
25:20Oh!
25:21Oh!
25:22Ow!
25:23It's happened again, Rich.
25:25Look, look!
25:25Let me give you a tip.
25:27If you're ever pretending to be a lesbian,
25:30keep your tackle really well hidden.
25:31Right.
25:33Bonsoir!
25:34With a lovely new brand,
25:36spanking new bride.
25:37A sad loss to us hot-blooded men
25:40like a little drinky-winky on the house.
25:42Do you mind?
25:43Shut up, Bridge!
25:44Why, that's...
25:48That's very kind of you.
25:50I'll have a pint of mild.
25:52A pint of mild.
25:53Make it a double.
25:54A double.
25:55Ah!
25:56Oh, what a cracking pair of buns you got there.
26:00I bet you can pull more than pints, eh?
26:02Eh?
26:03Eh?
26:03Eh?
26:04Eh?
26:04Eh?
26:05Come on.
26:06Let's run away together
26:08to a brewery
26:08far from the rat race.
26:10Edwina?
26:18Edwina?
26:22Edwina?
26:23Yeah?
26:24Stop talking to that man.
26:26He's just trying to get inside your pants.
26:28He'll have a job, mate.
26:29I mean,
26:29oh, the expansion.
26:31The elastic's uncritical.
26:33Right, that's it.
26:34Time for bed, I think.
26:35Eh, bagger off!
26:37I think I'm on here.
26:39Now, look,
26:39I don't want to cause a scene
26:41or anything, darling.
26:43But we are married now
26:44and you have to do everything I say.
26:46Oh, you lovely, lovely, lovely,
26:48lovely, lovely, lovely...
26:50...barman.
26:53Come on,
26:53let's have another five pints.
26:54Five pints.
26:55Yeah.
26:56Five pints.
26:56Yeah.
26:57Oh.
26:57Oh.
26:58Oh.
26:58Oh.
26:58Oh.
26:58Oh.
26:59Oh.
26:59Oh.
26:59Oh.
26:59Oh.
27:00Oh.
27:00Oh.
27:00Oh.
27:00Oh.
27:01Oh.
27:01Oh.
27:02Oh.
27:02Oh.
27:02Oh.
27:03Oh.
27:03Oh.
27:03Oh.
27:03Oh.
27:04Oh.
27:04Oh.
27:05Oh.
27:05Oh.
27:06Oh.
27:07Oh.
27:07Oh.
27:07Oh.
27:08Oh.
27:12Everybody's looking at us.
27:13Everybody knows we're newlyweds.
27:14Right.
27:15That's it.
27:16I've got a good mind to take my belt to you, you trollop.
27:19Wait for me.
27:26Such a big girl, huh?
27:27Hey, careful!
27:28Don't pop'em.
27:30Get your hands off my wife!
27:31wife. I was only picking her up. Listen, he openly admits it. All right, that's it. Come on, put up
27:37your dukes, you foul French letter. Look, it's Ted Rogers in a dress. Yeah, and don't try that old
27:46hey look, there's Ted Rogers in a dress routine on me, buster. Come on, get over here and get some
27:51good old-fashioned British violence. It is Ted Rogers in a wedding dress with a big seven-foot
27:56Neanderthal figure. That's not Ted Rogers. That's that bird from the abattoir that's getting
28:02married to Cannonball Taffy-O-Jones. Yeah. Cannonball Taffy-O-Jones. That's right, you
28:09in learning this one goes.
28:26Yeah.
28:35Yeah.
28:40Yeah.
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