Skip to playerSkip to main contentSkip to footer
Comedy Fan
  • 2 months ago
Richie and Eddie are going on holiday in Doncaster and they begin to plan what they are going to do and what they are going to take with them.

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00.
00:30Who would have believed it?
00:36A late booking, standby, 75% discount.
00:39You see, that's what you get for haggling, you see, Eddie.
00:42What, a kick in the bollocks?
00:44What do you mean? He was merely falling over and steadied himself by putting his boot into my testicles.
00:50Ow, ow.
00:51Anyway, there's no arguing with that.
00:53A 75% discount on a Heatseeker's Bronze-a-thon.
00:57Nine-day special of Sun, Sea, Sand and Sex.
01:02Yeah, Bridlington won't know what's hit it.
01:05Yeah, look at that. Only 25 minutes to the beach.
01:09By car.
01:12I thought Bridlington was on the coast.
01:15Well, it is.
01:16So what it really means is 25 minutes from Bridlington.
01:19Hmm.
01:21What's the address?
01:23Doncaster.
01:23Well, I've never been there, but it sounds romantic.
01:28And hey, Eddie, it's got a dong in it.
01:31Ah.
01:32Lucky airman.
01:33Yeah, we're in the luck, all right?
01:34I mean, imagine if Dick the barman hadn't spotted us filling our glasses from the drip tray.
01:39We'd never have scarpered down that back alley and bumped into dodgy Bob McMayday,
01:44the most violent travel agent in the world.
01:46Just imagine, it only cost us £4,000.
01:50Yeah.
01:52We haven't actually got £4,000, have we?
01:55Well, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
01:56But that's why he gave us such an interesting deal.
01:58What?
01:59Turn up with the money by Christmas or we die?
02:01Yeah.
02:02Oh, we're going on holiday.
02:08God, it's so exciting.
02:09Right.
02:10Now, the coach leaves at midnight.
02:12Right, so you put the kettle on and I'll make a list of all the things we need to nick for the beach.
02:15Keep it.
02:17Number one, suntan lotion.
02:20Now, Richie, we're going to Breadlington.
02:22Well, Doncaster.
02:23I hardly think we'll be needing suntan lotion.
02:26Oh, yes, yes.
02:28Drizzle oil, then.
02:30Gloom juice.
02:31Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
02:35Wind smear.
02:41Wind smear?
02:43I don't think we need to take the contents of your underpants.
02:49Well, actually, that's where you're wrong, Eddie.
02:52Because if you think carefully about it, we will need to take the contents of my underpants.
03:00Oh, aren't we having a great time?
03:03You see, that's what makes the English great, Eddie.
03:05You know, laughing at adversity.
03:07I mean, if we were millionaires living in Bermuda, we wouldn't have found that very funny, would we?
03:14No.
03:16Oh, well, never mind.
03:17What else do we need for the beach?
03:18Er, tetanus jabs.
03:20Oh, yes.
03:21Yes, better make an appointment to see Dr Wild's throat for a booster.
03:25He's not a doctor of medicine, you know.
03:27Well, I know, yes, but he's cheap.
03:29Gave you rabies last year.
03:32Yeah, but it only cost three quid.
03:33Come on, Eddie.
03:34Beggars can't be choosers.
03:36No.
03:36But they can froth at the mouth and eat the furniture.
03:40Right, what else?
03:41Well, industrial Wellingtons.
03:42Yes.
03:42Gas masks.
03:43Well, full radiation suits, really.
03:45Yeah.
03:46It's not like it was in my childhood.
03:48Ooh!
03:49Condoms.
03:51Well, we can take last year's, can't we?
03:54But have we got any left?
03:56Yeah.
03:58All of them.
03:59Oh, thank God for that.
04:01I just hate going to the chemists.
04:04Keep thinking my mum will find out.
04:06I mean, buying Johnny's is just a constant embarrassment.
04:10What do you mean?
04:10You've only done it once?
04:12That was back in 1977.
04:14Yeah, yeah.
04:15It's a bloody convincing performance, though.
04:17That shop assistant could have sworn I was French.
04:19Yeah.
04:20Maybe that's why you came out with 50 tubes of pile cream as well.
04:24Yes, well, maybe my mime was a little indistinct, yes.
04:28You know, I mean, it was worth the day trip to Birmingham just to find a chemist who didn't know us.
04:31You know?
04:32I mean, it might have been a long way round just to buy a three-pack of Johnny's we never used, but I'll tell you what.
04:38There's been no piles in this house since 1977.
04:42We can sit down with a thump as merrily as we like.
04:45I know.
04:46And we've still got the Johnny's as a souvenir.
04:48Hooray!
04:49You see, that's what makes the English great, Eddie.
04:53What?
04:53Not having piles?
04:54Yes!
04:56Richie, you have gone insane.
04:58No, no, Eddie, it's all right.
04:59I'm just overexcited about the holiday.
05:02I wonder what we'll do.
05:12Well, the same as we normally do.
05:15Sit about in the boarding house playing Scrabble until the rain lets up, then dash out to the bookies and back.
05:20Oh, yeah!
05:21Oh, I can't wait!
05:23Hey, do you think the landlady would be anything like the one we had last year?
05:26What, you mean dead?
05:28No, no, no, I mean before the accident.
05:30Oh, oh.
05:32Hey, did you ever get your lighter back?
05:34No, they kept it for the inquest.
05:36Oh, did I?
05:37Oh, but she was a sweet heart, wasn't she?
05:41Hey, do you remember her last words?
05:44Oh, Mr. Hitler, do you know anything about gas leaks?
05:51Still, it was the first time we were warm on that holiday.
05:54Yes, yes.
05:55Yes.
05:56Ha, ha, ha.
05:57Ha, ha, ha.
05:58Ha, ha, ha.
05:59Ha, ha, ha.
06:00Right!
06:01Where should we put the tickets so we can't find them?
06:02Oh, no!
06:03That was the wrong way round, wasn't it?
06:04Oh, no!
06:05I'm getting so overexcited.
06:06I'd better have a little sit down.
06:08Ta-da!
06:09Ta-da!
06:10Another victory for the piles' cream.
06:11Ha!
06:12Right, now, where is the safest place in the house?
06:15Well, in the tin with the rubber Johnnies.
06:17Of course!
06:18You're a genius, Eddie.
06:19Oh!
06:20There!
06:21Oh!
06:22Phew!
06:23Right!
06:24I'm off upstairs to try my swimming trunks.
06:26You know, give them a bit of an airing.
06:27Get them used to the old swagger.
06:31That'll give me just enough time to make a deviously fiendish, mischievous phone call.
06:42Yeah, that's right, Cher.
06:48Me proud Hollywood beauty.
06:51A two-week bunk-up with me in sunny Doncaster.
06:54I'll bring the vodka.
06:56You bring those saucy bits of string.
06:59What do you say?
07:02Yes!
07:03Oh, God!
07:05Oh!
07:06Oh!
07:07If only this was plugged in!
07:09Eddie!
07:12Eddie!
07:13Eddie!
07:15Help!
07:19I've got my swimming trunks on.
07:21I have no particular interest in seeing them.
07:24No.
07:25The only thing is, they're so tight, I can't get them off.
07:29Feels like I'm being garroted.
07:32God, I hope I don't sneeze.
07:33I'll be sliced in three!
07:36All right, I'll get the pepper, then, and the camera.
07:39Eddie, this is no laughing matter!
07:42Oh, God, I mustn't shout.
07:44God, I nearly ingested myself, then.
07:47Eddie, you've got to help me get them off.
07:49What?
07:51All right, well, let's have a look, then.
07:58Oh, there.
07:59There.
08:11Well, where are they?
08:13Well, that's the thing.
08:14They're so tight, you can't actually see them.
08:18But I know they're on.
08:19I can feel them.
08:20Oh, boy, can I feel them.
08:23They must be somewhere under all these folds.
08:25Yeah.
08:28All right, close, close.
08:29Oh, God.
08:33What colour are they?
08:35Well, they were yellow when I put them on.
08:36All right, well, turn around and bend over, and I'll get me toolkit.
08:40OK, thanks, Eddie.
08:42Why did you make me buy a thong, Eddie?
08:45Here it goes.
08:49I think I've got a purchase.
08:50I think we're going to have to burn them off.
09:12Anything, Eddie.
09:13Anything.
09:14Just make it quick.
09:15I'm losing consciousness.
09:16I think my legs are going to sleep.
09:17Yeah, well, I think this should wake them up.
09:21What?
09:34There we go.
09:36There we are.
09:38There's the little fella that was causing all the trouble.
09:42Oh, thank God they're off.
09:43You know, I think in future I'm going to have to just own up to not being quite a 26 waist anymore.
09:4926.
09:50What's that in?
09:51Feet?
09:53Yards?
09:54Miles?
09:55I mean, look at that.
09:56Look at that.
09:58I mean, God, who invented the thong?
10:01Sadist.
10:02It's like wrapping cheese wire around your tackle.
10:04I mean, even though I had it on, I could still be done for indecent exposure.
10:09Hey, that's a thought, Eddie.
10:12Do you think Bridlington's topless?
10:14No, Richie.
10:15I think you should bring your bra.
10:17What?
10:23Okay, so my petrols are a little bit flabby at the moment.
10:26Hey, no, that is a point, Eddie.
10:28You and me, us guys, right?
10:29Yeah.
10:30We're going to Bridlington to get laid, right?
10:31Right.
10:32One snag.
10:34There's not many people going to actually want to shag two fat, balding, sweaty sort of rubber
10:39Johnnies full of custard, really, are they?
10:41No.
10:42No, because we're not rich.
10:44So if we want to score, we're going to have to hit that beach like two greased cougars from the planet Big Bollocks.
10:50We've just been sacked from the Chippendales for being too sexy.
10:55Tricky.
10:57Exactement, mon brave.
10:58However, nil desperandum, we're English and there's a way out of everything.
11:01Yeah.
11:02Usually the lavvy window.
11:04Shut up.
11:05Now, to achieve the bod that birds will kill to wriggle on, we've only got one option.
11:11What?
11:12Buy them 17 gin and tonics and live out our income?
11:15Now that you know, we're going to have to lose some weight.
11:19Well, why don't you just stay at home?
11:21Right.
11:22Where's my manuals?
11:23Here we are.
11:24Joy of sex.
11:25More joy of sex.
11:26Cooking in the nude.
11:28Ah, here we are.
11:29German Luftwaffe Air Force exercises.
11:31This book used to belong to my dad, you know.
11:33Aha.
11:34Was he in the war?
11:35Oh, very much so, Eddie.
11:36Very much so, yes.
11:37He got hit during the Blitz, you know.
11:39Did he?
11:40Oh, yes.
11:41By an air raid warden.
11:43Yeah, he wouldn't turn his light out, you see.
11:45Hey, good old dad, though.
11:46He won the fight.
11:48Oh, but my mum and dad, Eddie.
11:50My mum and dad.
11:51There was a romance.
11:52It was one of those fleeting wartime romances, you know.
11:55I mean, they were only together for, what?
11:57Five minutes.
11:58If that.
12:00Yep, ships in the night, Eddie.
12:01Ships in the night.
12:02He was pissed.
12:03Wandered into the ladies by accident.
12:05One thing led to another.
12:06Off came her wincy heads.
12:07The Johnny machine jammed.
12:08Bim bam bom.
12:09Whiff of cordite.
12:10And he was off.
12:11Oh, well.
12:12Hey ho.
12:13It's all a load of bollocks, isn't it?
12:15Yep, it's all a load of bollocks.
12:17Come on.
12:18Twenty Luftwaffe press ups.
12:19Let's go.
12:20Right.
12:21Un, deux, trois, and achtons.
12:25How you doing, Eddie?
12:26Have you started?
12:27Yeah.
12:28How's it going?
12:29Like a dream.
12:30I mean, one of those dreams where you can't do press ups.
12:32That's the one, yes.
12:33Well, that's the one, we should build up to that one.
12:34Come along, we'll do some sit ups.
12:35What?
12:36Sit ups?
12:37Oh.
12:38Hands behind the head.
12:39Oh.
12:40And after three.
12:41One, two, three, and hook.
12:44Yeah.
12:45Oh.
12:46Now, we'd better skip that one as well.
12:47It's very heavy going, isn't it?
12:49Oh.
12:50It's a wonder they could get into their aeroplays after a second.
12:53Oh, my God.
12:54Oh, my God.
12:55Oh, my God.
12:56Oh, my God.
12:57Oh, my God.
12:58Oh, my God.
12:59Oh, my God.
13:00Oh, my God.
13:01their aeroplays after all this no wonder they lost the bloody war where'd your dad get this book
13:07from well it's hard to tell Eddie I mean my dad he moved in some very mysterious circles did he
13:12yes well he had one leg shorter than the other you see now look there's an inscription for all
13:20the good work you are doing for the cause keep it up mumsy word Adolf my dad Oswald Richard hey
13:30they don't make them like that anymore come on Eddie we're gonna have to change tack we've only
13:34got 12 hours to go and I've still got to lose three stone do you think I should try combining food what
13:40with lager no Eddie I know I'm gonna get me some liposuction not from me and not matey get a hold
13:51of the Hoover and let's do it are you sure this is wise what do you mean of course it's wise Eddie
13:58they do this in Hollywood all the time hey right fire up right okay now nice gentle circular motions
14:06around the hip area right you are oh that's good that's working uh-huh darling girl
14:13oh hey put it on blow put it on blow you dirty dirty bastard quick Eddie hurry I've nearly reached the bag
14:34oh you say they do that in Hollywood all the time I me it's no wonder they're all members of the 12-inch
14:54club so good Eddie we're gonna have to change tack again how do you mean well you look around any
15:01modern gym Eddie what do you see well loads of birds with those funny underpants that go right up
15:06they're cracks no yes yes yes yes that's lovely Eddie that's lovely but what else do you see I don't see
15:17anything else not until the police arrive and prize me off the window I've got a good 30 minutes out of
15:25that last tube of super glue yeah yeah lovely wait that's what you see weights and lifting machines and
15:35that's what we have here now this machine will exercise your pecs your tex your fibula your timula
15:44your primula dairy Lee everything what's that Greek one with the holes in it nanomiscory that's the one
15:51plus added bonus it'll do all that without stretching your todger out to three and a half foot
15:56right let's get on with it 40 minutes on this and Charles Atlas will be committing suicide
16:01yes yes sir ease up on a couple of yogurts in there would you Eddie righty-o Charles what about
16:14that huge wobbly jelly well you're standing over there
16:17hey how am I looking Eddie why the sort of vast mountain of Vaseline with a heart condition
16:29just lifted the fridge about a millimeter off the ground hey no gain without pain hey hang on
16:36what's that sellotape to the bottom of the fridge looks like that missing blackmail nudie snap of
16:42Desmond linem well come on Eddie give me a hand to lift the fridge I want to get a glimpse of Desi's
16:47hammerhead right grab a hold of this and give it a bloody good yank right now this machine should
17:01increase your stamina and your lower body strength so that you can lift the fridge and have a quick
17:06deck at Desmond's plonker right okay Eddie fire her up
17:11okay
17:11I'll just take her up to a steady 70
17:21right ease up gently on the running I'm just about to break
17:36should have said that earlier really just got to go and watch the front door rich that's right you just
17:46have a bit of a lie down take your breath back and your teeth yeah yeah they're over there by the lamp post
17:54yes all right all right Christ almighty it's like walking down a corridor and answering the door in Nazi Germany
18:05hello hello have you ever thought what a beautiful place the world is yes I have thank you
18:12charming man
18:18it's all right Richie all the birds love a scar oh really well it's your lucky day then isn't it buster
18:30you young man let's see how much mischief you can get up to without any legs oh blimey look at the time
18:46I've got all the packing to do I've got to lose three stone lordy lordy there ain't enough hours in
18:52the day one up oh I better take the open crotch ones as well just in case
18:59everything oh god no the sink
19:06it's not the kitchen one but it'll have to do um oh Christ wallpaper will they have wallpaper in
19:17Doncaster well better safe than sorry it's the north isn't it they probably ripped all this down
19:22and put it into a hot pot or made it into a hot pot oh god could you give me a hand with these suitcases
19:33what are you doing I'm just sewing my legs back on oh thank you guys for that I thought you were
19:50masturbating again oh bugger I've sewn them on the wrong way around oh lordy lordy must I do everything
20:01myself all right here we go all right I'll chop your leg chop again I'll sew them on you poetry you've been me
20:09clench through
20:11all right come on spit spot give me the needle give me the thread it's not a hobby of mine this you know
20:20don't let it happen again I nearly kissed you on the knob then
20:34right now Eddie the coach leaves at midnight right so what time is it now uh five o'clock right thanks
20:46that only gives us seven hours right oh god I hope we don't miss it right set the clock now just keep
20:51your eye on the clock all right keep your eye on the clock all the time right it's only seven hours
20:57oh did I pack yes of course I did oh that's an easy mistake to make Eddie are you packed certainly am
21:08never had any complaints I mean are you packed for the holiday oh yes that as well good where are your
21:19bags I haven't got any bags I am wearing everything I need well everything I have actually what about
21:32spares I'm wearing them as well are you mad what if you have an accident I'll go to the hospital I'm in a
21:43trouser accident well I'll wear yours but you can't I'm in mine oh enough of this mindless trouser banter
21:50have you got the windbreak no it's just the way my underpants have been ironed oh thank God for
21:55that oh what about that thing you use on the beach for keeping the wind out what a cork it's all
22:01just getting too trans aerial around here for God's sake just concentrate on the clock clock just
22:05concentrate on it oh God oh God have I done everything have I done everything oh oh oh milk milk milk milk
22:17oh oh thank God I remembered oh oh sorry constable oh well that's charming isn't it yeah it's no wonder
22:30people make programs like the bill to take the piss out of you how you doing Eddie still feeling tense
22:38yeah increasingly so good keep it that way oh God look look look look there's only six hours 58 minutes to go now
22:47look I just suggest we just sit here quietly in silence and wait for our holiday to start
22:55okay
22:56oh oh how long does it take to go to the bus station hang on I'll go and find out thanks Eddie
23:10haven't quite got used to these legs yet just take my darts in case
23:21there you go three hours and 15 minutes I know I don't understand it the bus station's only two
23:44streets away yeah well you know the wind was against me isn't it always young man
23:50all right I'll give it a go on your marks Richie fetch go go go baby
23:56there you are Eddie 12 and a half minutes Eddie Eddie Eddie what's this it's a note
24:14dear Richie I am in the pube with the holiday monkey run run run poor sad get oh no he needs the holiday money
24:32shit shit shit
24:37you've been drinking haven't you how dare you how dare you accuse me of drinking linens me your oldest pal and matey
24:55old skip old bus fart tram ticket
25:00one for the road bag of scratchy
25:02scratchy we'll keep a welcome mr. David childish jensen me drinking a ninja why I'll tear you limb from limb
25:17no but you have though haven't you
25:25yeah
25:27well you listen to me young man you better listen up mister and you better listen up good
25:34because you're grounded
25:36yeah I know
25:38oh Eddie how could you do this on a holiday day look Eddie concentrate you've just got to try and stay sober for the next five minutes
25:47because that's when our holiday starts Eddie Eddie Eddie Eddie Eddie Eddie Eddie Eddie
25:57oh
26:00oh
26:02oh
26:04oh
26:06oh
26:20oh
26:24Oh, please, God, I just want to look at Desmond Lynam's todger.
26:31Help me out this once and I'll believe in you forever and ever, I promise.
26:39Bloody hell. Bloody hell, it's working.
26:47Only kidding.
26:54Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, Richie, the Frigidaire appears to have fallen upon your bonce.
27:13You won't be able to go on the holiday now, will you?
27:18Don't worry, I'm sure I can find an alternative use for your ticket.
27:25Oh, come out of there, natural dubious morals,
27:30and let us hire us to Hammersmith bus station.
27:33We have but three minutes to go.
27:35Oh, come on, Eddie, I can't wait to get to Bridlington
27:37and start the snogging and mindless drinking.
27:40Oh, that's my bird.
27:43You're a big bastard, Eddie.
27:45It's not even Desmond Lynam, it's you in a wig.
27:48You're a large head.
27:49Yep, that's me.
27:50You're a big as me.
27:52No, I'm not.
27:53No, I'm not.
27:54No, I'm not.
27:55It's you in a wig.
27:55No, you're a big as you're a big.
27:57Yay!
27:59All right, thanks for giving us a bit.
28:08Yay!
28:09Yay!
28:11Yay!
28:12Yay!
28:12Yay!
28:13Yay!
28:14Yay!
28:15Yay!
28:16Yay!
28:16Yay!
28:17Yay!
28:18Yay!
28:19Yay!
28:19Yay!
Be the first to comment
Add your comment