- 2 days ago
Category
🎈
FunTranscript
00:02Keep laughing, keep laughing, keep laughing, keep laughing!
00:06Curtis!
00:10What's gonna happen?
00:11Ain't nothing funny.
00:13What is going on?
00:15Papa's got a speeding ticket going 80 miles an hour.
00:18Then, then he ran a red light and went the wrong way down a one-way street.
00:23Curtis, how do you get a speeding ticket on your way to a fire?
00:27Oh, no, no, no.
00:28He wasn't on his way to a fire.
00:29He was going to buy some doughnuts.
00:32Them cops was mad that I got there before they did.
00:36Oh, well, baby, you deserve this ticket.
00:38Ought to be ashamed of yourself.
00:40No, he ought to be ashamed of himself.
00:42Do you know what I caught was writing me a ticket?
00:45His partner was taking all the doughnuts with the sprinkles on it.
00:49That's my favorite one with the sprinkles.
00:50Everybody know that.
00:51Pops, he was doing his job.
00:53No, he wasn't doing his job.
00:55That ain't his job, taking sprinkles doughnuts.
00:59Curtis, calm down, baby.
01:01That's easy for you to say, Elmo.
01:03You ain't the one that's got to take online traffic through.
01:06Pop, you don't have to do it.
01:07You can just pay the ticket.
01:09And you can just get out.
01:11How about that?
01:12I'm telling you, Calvin.
01:14It seemed like they would extend a little professional courtesy to a fireman.
01:19Hey, baby, they probably would if you were speeding for professional reasons.
01:24Yeah, and a bear claw ain't one of them.
01:28I got you a bear claw.
01:32Calvin!
01:34Turn it!
01:35Run, baby!
01:47To complete online traffic scroll, please answer the following questions for identity verification.
01:53What is your favorite color?
01:55That's easy.
01:56That's easy.
01:57Blue.
02:00What is your favorite food?
02:03That's easy.
02:04Pork, chops, and mac and cheese, and collard greens, and catfish, fried hard.
02:24Please list only one food item.
02:28That made me waste all my strength trying to take.
02:32Okay.
02:33Pork chops.
02:35Just pork chops.
02:37What is your length?
02:39What that got to do with the test?
02:44I see why.
02:47What is the name of your childhood pattern?
02:50Oh, stinky.
02:53Identity verification completed.
02:55It's almost like he's here.
02:56What are you doing?
02:58I'm doing something you ought to try sometimes.
03:00It's called minding your business.
03:01Press center to begin.
03:03Oh, online traffic school.
03:05I never got tickets because I have cleavage.
03:08Well, you do too.
03:10But I guess it's not the same.
03:13You may now proceed with online traffic school.
03:16Okay.
03:16If you're nice, I'll give you a tip on how to pass the class.
03:19This about as nice as I'm going to be with you in the room, all right?
03:23Okay, fine.
03:24I'll tell you anyway.
03:26The answer to the questions is always C.
03:29Oh, that's ridiculous.
03:31When approaching the stop sign, a driver should A, continue through the intersection.
03:35Mm-mm, that ain't it.
03:37B, merge to the right, allowing other vehicles to pass.
03:40Or C, stop.
03:43C.
03:44Correct.
03:45I told you so.
03:46That's just one question.
03:48When making a three-point turn, you should A, stop the car suddenly.
03:52Okay.
03:53B, skid on a pool of water.
03:55Or C, turn the car in three distinct directions.
04:00Okay, C.
04:02Cool.
04:04I think you know everything.
04:06Just about.
04:08Ella, I'm running to the store to play the lottery.
04:12You want to ride with me?
04:14Girl, I don't play the lottery, and neither should you.
04:17Well, normally I don't.
04:19But I had a dream while taking my beauty nap.
04:21Beauty nap?
04:22Yeah.
04:23You need to have another one, because the first one didn't take.
04:27Anyway, I dreamt that I was sitting on my daddy's porch, and my husband's car drove by with three midgets
04:34strapped to the hood.
04:36What does that have to do with playing the lottery?
04:38Well, my daddy's address is 1728.
04:42Hewitt's birthday is 5-16-40, and according to my dream book, three midgets are a sign of completion.
04:49Okay.
04:51Don't you see, Ella?
04:53My dream is telling me to play 1728, 5-16-40, and 3 in tonight's lottery.
05:00Okay, go ahead.
05:01But I am not riding to the store with you so you can play the lottery.
05:05It is a waste of time and my money.
05:07No, it's not.
05:09Curtis, don't you play the lottery sometimes?
05:14Don't you see I'm trying to take a test, Claritha?
05:17I've seen him.
05:19Four to win, five to scratch off.
05:21Okay, Claritha, don't play the lottery today.
05:25Let's go and get pedicures.
05:29Pedicures are way more fun than standing in the line, paying your money for the lottery.
05:34I don't know, Ella.
05:35My dream book is telling me that three midgets should not be ignored.
05:39Claritha.
05:42Well, I could use a good foot massage.
05:46Okay.
05:47Then that's it.
05:48Hey, Ella, you might want to stop at the hardware store, baby.
05:50Why?
05:51Some eye goggles.
05:52After they get to chipping off of Claritha's feet, you're going to need to protect your eyes.
06:01What should a driver do when?
06:03Signor.
06:04Correct.
06:06When a pedestrian.
06:07Si.
06:09Correct.
06:10When approaching a flashing.
06:12Si.
06:13Correct.
06:14Sir, would you please allow me to finish the question before answering?
06:18I'm sorry.
06:19Repeat the question, please.
06:21When approaching a flashing.
06:23Si.
06:24Si.
06:27Congratulations.
06:28You've just completed section one of your online exam.
06:31What the hell?
06:32Section one?
06:33How many sections you got, man?
06:36I need an energy drink.
06:40Okay.
06:41Curtis Payne has initiated a pause.
06:43Yeah.
06:44Program is paused.
06:46Okay.
06:48Okay.
06:54To resume testing, press the enter key.
06:59Welcome back, Curtis Payne.
07:01You may now begin section two.
07:06Pop!
07:08What?
07:09I'm making a smoothie.
07:12To verify identity, please enter your favorite color.
07:16Oh, that's easy.
07:18Blue.
07:20Correct.
07:22What is your favorite food?
07:24Pork chops.
07:26Macaroni and cheese.
07:30Please list only one food item.
07:33Pork chops.
07:36Correct.
07:37What is the name of your childhood pet?
07:39Oh.
07:40I know this one.
07:43It's something with an odor.
07:47Smelly.
07:48Funky.
07:51Musty.
07:52Tart.
07:53Pops.
07:56Pops.
07:56What?
07:57I'm coming.
07:57What?
08:01What's the name of that stinky dog that you had when you were a kid?
08:03You have five seconds.
08:05Four.
08:06Three.
08:07Two.
08:08Tart.
08:09What is it?
08:09Spanky.
08:10Incorrect.
08:11Identity fraud detected.
08:13Curtis Payne must report in person to verify identity and complete exam.
08:24Oh, my God.
08:25Oh, my God.
08:26We start over.
08:27Oh, my God.
08:28We start over.
08:28Oh, my God.
08:29Oh, my God.
08:30It's good.
08:34I'll kill you.
08:35I'll kill you.
08:40Clary, do you think Curtis is going to like my feet?
08:42Oh, girl.
08:43Once he sees that fires and red nail polish, he is not going to be able to keep his hands
08:47off you.
08:48Unfortunately.
08:50Well, it's 7 o'clock.
08:52Let me get dinner ready.
08:537 o'clock?
08:54Can I check the lottery numbers?
08:57Go ahead.
08:59And tonight's winning numbers for the $1,000,000 jackpot are 17, 28, 5, 16, 40, and...
09:15Ella!
09:16Ella!
09:17Oh, wow!
09:18I'm a millionaire!
09:21Oh, I get the lottery.
09:23I get the lottery.
09:25I get the lottery.
09:28I'm a bitch.
09:29I'm a bitch.
09:30I'm a bitch.
09:31I'm a bitch.
09:32I'm a bitch.
09:32You got to play, honey.
09:34Honey, honey.
09:35Yes.
09:36Yes.
09:36You got to play the lottery before you can win the lottery, right?
09:43oh no i didn't play why did i listen to you i listened to the wrong midget
10:00pops i'm telling you your dog's name was tart wait wait wait wait how you gonna tell me what
10:04my dog's name was i know what my dog it was my dog named after my uncle fake it
10:10don't ask why do i have to be here anyway i didn't get a ticket well you're the reason why
10:15i'm here
10:15well that's why i failed because of you so sit down stop talking to class oh i'm so sorry that
10:22i'm late class i was practicing with my reggae band we've got the keys to the dreadlocks
10:29oh my god chief pain omg i was telling my girlfriend how much i missed you
10:38girlfriend oh yes i i must be dreaming pinch me no seriously come on pinch me no oh hey calvin
10:44you do the honors no i'm cool okay class i am walter welcome to comedy traffic school where
10:52we tickle your tickets away say that five times fast i didn't say simon says
11:00i thought it was funny walter what are you doing teaching this class i thought you're supposed to be a
11:13anger management slash relationship coach i have many hats let me show you some okay
11:19i have cowboy hats woohoo giddy up partner party hats surprise
11:25boys and beanies shaba potato potato okay it's gonna be a long class
11:36all right let's jump right in shall we everyone i want you to decide for yourself
11:43what do i want to get out of this class
11:46oh oh i know i know yes i want to just get out of this class
11:54all right just leave the comedy to me mr funny pants okay
12:00now today i want you to imagine visualize the type of vehicle that you are in chief pain i see
12:08you in a
12:09candy apple red fire truck i don't want to be a fire truck that's the reason i'm here
12:13a big bright yellow dump truck
12:18why gotta be a dump truck because you're big and strong and you know you carry a lot of weight
12:24calvin i'm a sports car
12:28not sensing that i'm seeing you on a scooter powder blue wonderful
12:36okay before we start remember let's lock our doors
12:40fasten our seat belts before we pull into traffic we need to make sure we use our side view mirror
12:47and
12:47remember objects may be closer than they actually appear
12:52you know he's actually stranger than he appears
12:59chief pain focus my little lawbreaker
13:06hey this is pretty fun yes it is fun okay so here we go we're rolling along we're rolling along
13:12oh who do i see there it's mr postman hi mr postman what's up terrell
13:27there's two honeys over there can i pick one of them up oh calvin those are drag queens
13:32see the adam's apple yeah but i love your enthusiasm i do i appreciate it right here
13:38okay let's merge onto the highway how about it
13:44this is ridiculous i'm sick i gotta get out of here i gotta get out of here
13:48no no chief pain chief pain don't let go of the wheels stop you'll kill yourself
13:52if i got to die to get out this class let me die
13:55no chief pain i'll save you
14:06what are you doing i'm your personal airbag and i just deployed saving your life thank me later
14:30hey riri i'm so glad you came over to see me i made you some coffee
14:40oh look a coupon for waffle world oh but if i had a million dollars i wouldn't need a coupon
14:48oh you know what i would still use my coupon coffee cake oh a baby blue convertible
15:00um i was gonna buy a convertible before my million dollars went poof
15:06a convertible convertibles are so overrated and you wear wigs and your wig would just be flying down
15:14the highway we don't want that oh look at there oprah and gail i used to have a good friend
15:27just like that
15:29but then she cost me a million dollars
15:33marita how many ways can i say i am sorry
15:39a diamond encrusted mobile with walkie-talkie chirp and gps oh if i had that i could locate
15:50my real friends okay listen clarita what you're not gonna do is eat my food drink my drink and come
15:57up in my house and ignore me ella you don't understand this was the big one my number came
16:04up and i lost because i listened to you okay fine i'm sorry i said i was wrong if it'll
16:11make you feel
16:12any better i'll just turn my back let calvin buy you another lottery ticket the only way that would
16:18work is if you let calvin buy me one million lottery tickets and they all hit at the same time
16:24fat chance of
16:26that happening and so we have learned that a pedestrian has the right of way even if they don't walk
16:37right away and some of us learned that the hard way didn't we how is your mother by the way
16:42fantastic
16:44great see isn't learning fun uh excuse me yes can we have a break from all this fun that's a
16:50great idea
16:51let's break dance everybody come on come on bust a move bust a move come on spin me chief spin
17:04me
17:10okay ten minutes pops i'm out of here this is torture try to leave i dare you you won't get
17:17far with my foot in your butt come on pops i'm a grown man and you'll be a grown man
17:22with a foot in
17:23your butt you know you two guys are ten times stronger than the teacher is really that's because
17:30he's the queen of no comedy that's what i'm talking about you two ought to be teaching this class oh
17:36yeah
17:36you know what we could kick the queen of no comedy out no we can't do that yes we can
17:41i think we can do
17:42it we got the people behind what the people say what's going on in there we're doing something
17:53you don't know nothing about comedy open this door i'm i'm gonna what call your girlfriend yeah
18:02everybody we're gonna play a new game and this game is called hit that food huh now let's say let's
18:08say
18:08let's say you got somebody and they walking on slow across the street and you get five points if
18:14you hit that fool yes and you get 50 points if you get a thug with pink rollers in his
18:21hair 50 points if
18:23you hit that fool and you get 100 points if you got somebody on the cell phone holding up traffic
18:32100
18:32points if you hit that fool no y'all don't hear me in here today hey you get a thousand
18:39points if we
18:40open up this door and y'all let that ugly man right there let him have it get your papers
18:46out get your
18:47books get your bibles whatever you got a thousand points if you hit that fool
19:00brand you are in passion class
19:08here you go claritha i hope you enjoyed this one more than that one oh it won't do you haven't
19:14even
19:14tasted it too many bubbles oh my it's hot in here i said it's hot in here seriously
19:25everything you have got to just get over it but can you at least have me the real get it
19:30yourself i am
19:31through catering to you okay i am sorry that you did not win a million dollars but i don't know
19:37what
19:37else to do to convince you of that well you could try saying it 999 000 more times
19:45this just in last night's one million dollar jackpot will be awarded to half a million winners
19:50each winner will receive a mere two dollars okay each winner i got that
20:04there you are you are a winner now get your feet off my couch okay okay you're right playing the
20:14lottery is a gamble yes it is and in our tax bracket we can't afford to be just wasting money
20:20speak for your own tax bracket i'm a business woman anyway can't a girl dream sure you can
20:29dreaming is free you're right but friendship costs
20:40this class was a joke well the class wasn't all that bad hey we did a lot better than walter
20:46did
20:46uh-huh i called for backup i brought in the peach
20:54you didn't think you were going to get away from me that easy did you uh-oh
20:58you
21:10you
21:23We'll see you next time.