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00:06You
00:30Well, it all started with that electrician, didn't it?
00:33Real live, why he was.
00:35Only one watt but plenty of volts, as they say.
00:40Well, anything in trousers, yes.
00:42Or out of them, preferably.
00:46Yeah.
00:48No, just lighting up. Go on.
00:53I know, I heard that with a fuddle in the same room.
00:58No, no.
01:00No, no, of course I won't. Go on.
01:06Basil?
01:07Yes, dear?
01:08Oh, no, who saw them? Basil?
01:10Yes, dear?
01:11Could you come and attend to a gentleman out here, dear?
01:1419?
01:15What, you mean out where you are, dear?
01:17Well, last one was only 22.
01:19It was.
01:20I tried quite busy in here, dear. Are you very busy out there?
01:23I'm on the telephone, Basil. My husband will be with you in a moment.
01:26Yeah, thank you.
01:27So I'll stop work and come out there, shall I, dear?
01:29Oh, no, no. The Maltese one.
01:31Well, I'm glad that's settled, then.
01:33No, no, dear. He was an Arab.
01:35Darling, when you've finished, why don't you have a nice lie down?
01:38I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting, sir. I had no idea my wife was so busy.
01:42Fear not, kind sir. It matters not one whit.
01:45Beg your pardon?
01:47If it matters not one whit, time is not pressing on me, fortunately.
01:51Now, some information, please.
01:52This afternoon, I have to visit the town for some repurposes, which would be of no interest to you, I'm
01:56quite sure.
01:57But nevertheless, I shall require your aid in getting for me some sort of transport,
02:01some hired vehicle, that is, to get me to my first port of call.
02:04Are you all right?
02:05Oh, yeah.
02:06Yes, I find the air here most invigorating.
02:09I see. What did I gather from your first announcement that you want a taxi?
02:12In a nutshell.
02:13Case, Moorah.
02:15At two o'clock, please.
02:16Well, there's the number of the local phone.
02:18Now, please, please, could you get it for me?
02:19Because I never use the telephone if I can avoid it.
02:22Why not?
02:23Risk of infection.
02:24So, when I finish, right?
02:25Now, I have a rendezvous at five o'clock at this address, which I must reach from the post office
02:29in Queen's Square.
02:30Now, as the map is sadly inadequate, I would be very grateful if you could draw me a diagram of
02:35the optimum route.
02:36Well, may I ask what's wrong with the map?
02:38Well, it's got curry on it.
02:39Well, look, it's perfectly simple.
02:40You go to the end of Queen's Parade and...
02:43Would you...
02:43No, just listen.
02:44No, I just want a diagram, please.
02:45No, it's really, very simple.
02:46Well, I'd rather have a diagram if it won't put you out.
02:48Well, it does put me out.
02:49Well, I'd like it all the same.
02:52Basil!
02:54Right.
02:54Yeah, then.
02:55We do have pens.
02:56Oh, yeah?
02:56We have actually got pens in the hotel, thank you so much.
03:00Somewhere.
03:01I mean, where are the pens?
03:02I mean, would you believe it?
03:03I mean, there are no pens here.
03:04I mean, this is supposed to be a hotel.
03:08But what are they doing in there?
03:09I put them there.
03:10Why?
03:11Just sign there, Mr. Walt, because you're always losing them, Basil.
03:14I am not always losing them.
03:16People take them.
03:16Well, they don't take them from me.
03:18They wouldn't dare.
03:19Well, I'm sorry I didn't guess that you'd suddenly done that after 12 years, dear.
03:23I'm afraid my psychic powers must be a little bit below par this morning.
03:26There we are.
03:27Don't be silly, Basil.
03:28It's written there quite clearly on the top of the box.
03:30Pens?
03:31It's more like Ben's to me.
03:32Well, when Ben comes, you can give it to him.
03:35Mr. Walt's in room seven.
03:37What do you think?
03:37Doesn't that look like Ben's to you?
03:38Not really.
03:39Well, it does to me.
03:40Look, there's a P.
03:41No, I don't quite understand this.
03:42Where is the post office?
03:43It's there where it says post office.
03:45I'm sorry if it's confusing.
03:49Oh, P off.
03:51You've used the abbreviation.
03:53Ah, the penny's dropped.
03:54Yeah, well, I thought it said boff.
03:56Of course.
03:56Yes, and I thought that boff was a locale, you see, a name of a district, you see.
04:00That P looks like a B.
04:01No, it doesn't.
04:02Yes, it does.
04:02A little loop on the bottom of it.
04:03Excuse me, would you say that was a P or a B?
04:05There, there.
04:06Does it say boff or does it say poff?
04:08Well, I like it.
04:08There, there.
04:08It's a P, isn't it?
04:09I suppose so.
04:10P off.
04:11I beg your poff.
04:12P off.
04:13P off.
04:13Who ever heard of a post office?
04:16Nine?
04:17What?
04:17Room nine.
04:18Room seven.
04:19Manuel, would you take these cases to room seven, please?
04:22Okay.
04:25He thinks boff is a locale.
04:27He thinks what?
04:28You know, some zone, some province in Equatorial talk.
04:37Manuel, we'll show you to your room, if you're lucky.
04:40Excuse me, excuse me.
04:41In how many minutes does luncheon commence, please?
04:44Twelve, here.
04:44I'll write it down for you.
04:45Well, twelve.
04:46Yes, there you are.
04:47Don't forget the taxi, will you?
04:48Two o'clock.
04:49Yes, and if anybody wants me, I'll be in the lounge.
04:51If anybody wants you?
04:52I'll be in the lounge.
04:54Anyone in particular?
04:55I mean, Henry Kissinger?
04:57Just anyone with a big net.
04:58I don't know what it is about this place.
04:59I mean, some of the people we get in here...
05:01What are you on about?
05:02I wish you'd help a bit.
05:03You're always refurbishing yourself.
05:05What?
05:06Oh, never mind.
05:06Never mind.
05:07Don't shout at me.
05:08I've had a difficult morning.
05:10Oh, dear.
05:10What happened?
05:11Did you get entangled in the Eiderdown again?
05:13Not enough to see you.
05:14Or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long
05:17you didn't have time to perm your ears?
05:21Actually, Basil, I've been working.
05:24You know what I mean by working, don't you, dear?
05:26I mean getting things done as opposed to squabbling with the guests.
05:29I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the cretins
05:32we get in here, my little nest of vipers,
05:33as if I got a smidgen of cooperation from you.
05:36Cooperation?
05:37That's a laugh.
05:38The day you cooperate, you'll be in a wooden box.
05:40I've never heard such rudeness.
05:41Look, if you think I'm going to fawn to some of the yobbos,
05:43we get in here.
05:44This is a hotel, Basil, not a borstal.
05:47And it might help business if you could have a little more courtesy.
05:50Just a little.
05:51I suppose talking to Audrey for half an hour helps business, does it?
05:54It was about business, for your information.
05:56Audrey has some news that may interest you.
05:58Oh, really? This will be good.
05:59Let me guess, the mayor wears a toupee?
06:01Somebody's got nail varnish on his cats?
06:03Am I getting warm?
06:04There are some hotel inspectors in town.
06:08What?
06:10What does she know?
06:12That's all she knows.
06:13Well, how does she know?
06:14A friend of Bill Morton's overheard three men in a pub last night
06:17comparing notes on places they'd just been in Exeter.
06:19Three men? I'll call Bill.
06:20You don't have to call Bill, Basil.
06:22Just try to exercise a little courtesy.
06:29Papers arrived 40 years.
06:30Not yet.
06:30Oh, not yet.
06:31No, major.
06:32No, sorry.
06:32Sorry.
06:44Could you do that in a moment, please?
06:46I'm on the telephone.
06:47You haven't finished dial-in yet, have you?
06:48Now, listen.
06:50There was a documentary on BBC Two this evening
06:53about Squawking Bird, the leader of the Blackfoot Indians
06:55in the late 1860s.
06:57Now, this starts at 8.45 and goes on
06:59for approximately three quarters of an hour.
07:01I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
07:02Indeed, I am, yes.
07:03Now, is it possible for me to reserve the BBC Two channel
07:05for the duration of this televisual feast?
07:08Why don't you talk properly?
07:10I beg your pardon?
07:10No, it isn't.
07:11What?
07:11It is not possible to reserve the BBC Two channel
07:14from the commencement of this televisual feast
07:15until the moment of the termination of its ending.
07:17Thank you so much.
07:18Oh, I see.
07:18Well, might I suggest, then, that you introduce such a scheme?
07:21No.
07:22I would just like to tell you
07:24that I have a wide experience of hotels
07:26and some of those of my acquaintance
07:28have had the foresight
07:29to introduce this facility
07:30for the benefit of their guests.
07:32No, I see.
07:32You have a wide experience of hotels, do you?
07:34Yes, in my professional activities,
07:36I am in constant contact with them.
07:37Are you?
07:38Are you really?
07:38Yes.
07:39Well, then, is it possible for me
07:42to hire a television set
07:44to view the programme in the privacy of my own room?
07:46I beg your pardon?
07:48Have you the facility
07:49to hire a television set to one of your guests?
07:52Ah, good point.
07:53I'm glad you asked me that.
07:54And not as such.
07:55Oh.
07:55However, we do have plans
07:56to introduce such a scheme in the near future.
07:58Yes, well, that's not much use to me tonight, is it?
08:00No, but I'll tell you what,
08:01why don't I introduce another scheme
08:03straight away along the lines
08:04that you've already suggested
08:05by which I reserve the BBC Two channel for you tonight?
08:08Now, that's more like it.
08:09Ah, well, not at all.
08:10I mean, that's what we're here for, isn't it?
08:11Yes.
08:12Is there anything else before I call your taxi?
08:14Well, yes, there is.
08:15Somebody in there mentioned
08:16that you had a table tennis table.
08:18Indeed we do, yes.
08:20It is not in absolutely mint condition,
08:22but it could certainly be used in an emergency.
08:24Ah!
08:24It is to be found in the South Wing,
08:26overlooking the courtyard,
08:27where there is, of course, ample parking.
08:29Ah, Polly, and Mr Hutchison,
08:31may I introduce Polly Sherman,
08:32who is with us at the moment?
08:33How do you do?
08:33How do you do?
08:34Well, wait a minute.
08:35We've met before, I think.
08:36Yes, I served you at breakfast.
08:37Oh, yes, and you spilt the grapefruit juice,
08:39didn't you, you naughty girl?
08:40And you moved the glass, didn't you?
08:42Thank you, thank you, Polly.
08:43You're an awfully nice girl.
08:45Very bright.
08:45She's a fully qualified painter, you know.
08:47Oh, really?
08:47Yes.
08:48Ah, good morning.
08:49Good morning, ladies.
08:51We do like to have girls of that caliber
08:52to help us out.
08:53It does add a certain, er...
08:54Well, would you care to partake of lunch now?
08:56Well, sure, it's not yet...
08:58Oh, goodness me.
08:59We don't worry about things like that here.
09:00No fear.
09:00I mean, this is a hotel, not a bostel.
09:02What?
09:04Have you?
09:04He's not half past yet.
09:05I was just saying to Mr. Hutchison, dear,
09:07this is a hotel, not a bostel.
09:10Chef, won't be ready, Basil.
09:11Leave it to me, dear.
09:12Leave it to me.
09:13Did you ring Bill?
09:13No, dear, not necessary.
09:15What?
09:15Explain later, but I must look after Mr. Hutchison now.
09:19A Spanish omelet.
09:20Omelet.
09:20Yes, and all on the plate, please.
09:22Not on the tablecloth.
09:24Excuse me.
09:25You're not by any chance the Duke of Kent, are you?
09:28No, no, no, no.
09:29You've got the wrong person there.
09:30Ah, Mr. Hutchison.
09:32Oh, yes, I'm going to have you a Spanish omelet.
09:34Splendid.
09:35Yes, er...
09:35I assume that all the vegetables within the omelet are fresh.
09:38Oh, yes, yes.
09:39Including the peas.
09:40Oh, yes, they're fresh, all right.
09:41They're not frozen, are they?
09:42Well, they're frozen, yes.
09:44Oh, I see, well, if they're frozen, they're not fresh, are they?
09:46Well, I assure you, they were absolutely fresh when they were frozen.
09:48Oh, dear.
09:49There's a lot of this nowadays in hotels.
09:51A lot of what?
09:52Yes, I'll just have a cheese salad, please.
09:53What?
09:53Yes, I only eat fresh vegetables, you see.
09:55I'll just have a cheese salad.
09:57Well, we could always do the omelets without the peas.
09:58Oh, no, no, no, no.
09:59I always feel that the peas are an integral part of the overall flavor, you know.
10:02And might I suggest that in future you avail yourself of sufficient quantities of the fresh article?
10:07Look, we've been...
10:08Yes, yes, good idea.
10:10Now, something to drink?
10:11Yes, I'll have a ginger beer, please.
10:12A ginger beer?
10:13Yeah, and a glass of fresh water.
10:15Fresh water, yes.
10:16Mr. Hutchison, telephone call for you at reception.
10:19Telephone?
10:20Oh, dear.
10:21Oh, dear.
10:22Oh.
10:24Clever.
10:25Clever.
10:39Good afternoon.
10:41No.
10:44This is no sun.
10:46It's no good for me.
10:47I beg your pardon?
10:48I'm homesick, yes.
10:49Is there any way you'd like me to sit?
10:51Okay.
10:51I'm in room seven.
10:53Oh, yes, please.
10:53Here.
10:54You go up, up, all right.
10:56Room seven.
10:57Oh, no.
10:57Yes, please.
10:58I'll show you.
10:58No, look, I want a table.
11:00A table?
11:01For one.
11:01Oh, table one.
11:02Oh, please.
11:03Yes, yes.
11:04Table one.
11:04So sorry.
11:05Here, here.
11:06Table one.
11:09Si.
11:10Right.
11:13So sorry.
11:14But I think you say for room, and I do it, for I am not one to know it easily.
11:17I'm sorry.
11:18No, no, it's my fault.
11:19Well, I'll try the patty and the lamb casserole.
11:21You room ten.
11:22No, room seven.
11:24Oh, seven, si.
11:25Yes.
11:26No, no, no.
11:27This table one.
11:29It's Wednesday.
11:30Room seven is table five.
11:32No, please.
11:32Here.
11:32Please, sir.
11:36Please.
11:37So sorry.
11:40Oh, it's, uh, yes.
11:42Seven is what I think you say.
11:44Uh, for, uh, I, uh, you, uh, come si dice in English, pero solamente puedo ver los números
11:50cuando los tengo delante.
11:52The patty and the lamb.
11:53Si, patty, lamba, patty, lamba, patty, lamba, patty, lamba.
11:55Just three little, three little, si, si, patty, lamba.
11:57One ginger beer and one glass of fresh water.
12:03What are you doing there?
12:04Well, I...
12:04Well, you can't sit there.
12:05It's taken.
12:06Come on.
12:06Look, I've been moved once already.
12:08Well, you're in room seven, aren't you?
12:09Yes, but the waiter said table five.
12:11Well, this isn't table five.
12:12Come, would you come over here, please?
12:14I mean, this is table five here.
12:15Come on.
12:15Look, I did ask the waiter.
12:17Well, he's hopeless, isn't he?
12:18You might as well ask the cat.
12:19Now, come on, seven there.
12:21I beg your pardon.
12:22Would you sit down, please?
12:24Hey.
12:25Go.
12:27I hate to trespass further on your valuable time,
12:30but might I look at the wine list?
12:32Now?
12:32Yes, please.
12:33Excuse me.
12:35Here we are.
12:36Now.
12:36Could I have an ashtray, please?
12:43I'll have a bottle of the Alox Corton 65.
12:46The what?
12:47The Alox Corton 65.
12:49Ah, the Corton.
12:50Ah, but of course, my pleasure.
12:52Ah, there you are, Mr. Archerson.
12:53Nice to have you back again.
12:54Yes, not too close.
12:55Please, not too close.
12:56Oh, sorry.
12:56I hope everything was to your satisfaction.
12:58Yes, well, your earpiece was very greasy.
12:59I've wiped it out for you.
13:00Oh, thank you.
13:01It was dreadfully greasy.
13:03It was.
13:03I don't know who's been using it.
13:05Covered in brewcrums.
13:06Oh, Polly.
13:08Oh, dear.
13:09Oh, that's tepid.
13:11It's tepid.
13:11Have you got an ice bucket, please?
13:13An ice bucket?
13:13Yes, well, this ginger beer is distinctly warm.
13:16Ah, Polly, an ice bucket for Mr. Hutchison, please.
13:19There we are.
13:20The more fun.
13:2165.
13:2165.
13:2265.
13:2365.
13:2955.
13:49Ah.
13:50Ha! A bit stood in there.
13:53Sorry.
13:59Sorry.
14:23Ha!
14:35Thank you so much.
14:37May I congratulate you on your choice?
14:39Yes, excuse me.
14:41Yes?
14:42I'm afraid this is corked.
14:44I just uncorked it, didn't you see me?
14:47What?
14:48Look.
14:49No, no.
14:50No, you said I took it out of the bottle.
14:51That's how I managed to get the wine out of the bottle into your glass.
14:54I don't mean that.
14:55I mean the wine is corked.
14:57The wine has reacted with the cork.
14:58And so?
14:59The wine has reacted with the cork and gone bad.
15:02Gone bad?
15:03May I?
15:16I can't say.
15:16You don't want it.
15:18I'd like a bottle that isn't corked.
15:19Right, that's cost me, hasn't it?
15:20Well, never mind.
15:21I'll get you another bottle.
15:21I do hope you're all enjoying your meals.
15:24I said I hope you're all enjoying your meals.
15:28Excuse me.
15:29Excuse me.
15:30Table five?
15:31Yes?
15:31Are you having the lamb or the mackerel?
15:33The lamb.
15:33I'll have another one standing by, just in case.
15:37Let's give us a go then, shall we?
15:39Um, Polly, would you get Mr Hutchison his main course, please?
15:43So sorry to keep you waiting.
15:44Mr Hutchison will be with you in just one moment.
15:52Yes, dear?
15:54How are you getting on with your hotel inspector?
15:56Oh, fine.
15:57Fine.
15:58He sells spoons.
16:04Sir?
16:05I listened in on his phone call.
16:07He works for a cutlery firm, but he specialises in spoons.
16:11You listened in?
16:12Yes.
16:13You listened in on a private call of one of our guests?
16:15That's right, Basil.
16:17Little rat.
16:17I'll get him for that.
16:18Now, Basil.
16:19Try him out with me.
16:20Try what?
16:21Pretending he's a hotel inspector.
16:22Do we hire television sets, fresh peas, ice buckets?
16:26Basil, it was your mistake.
16:27Now, you let me handle it.
16:28Basil!
16:31This whole inspector business was in your own imagination.
16:33It's nothing to do with him.
16:34There is no excuse for rudeness.
16:36Do you understand?
16:37Do you understand?
16:40Yes!
16:40Good.
16:58Spoons, eh?
17:00I'm sorry?
17:03Spoons.
17:09I beg your pardon?
17:10I understand you're in the spoon trade.
17:11Oh, well, yes.
17:12Yes, yes.
17:13Ah, fascinating.
17:14Fascinating.
17:14How absorbing for him.
17:16Yes, well, as a matter of...
17:17So much more interesting than being a hotel inspector!
17:20What?
17:23Well, thank you.
17:24No, miss, miss, miss.
17:25Yes?
17:25I didn't order that.
17:27Is there something we can get you, Mr. Hutchison?
17:28A tea cosy for your pepper pot, perhaps?
17:31What?
17:31No, no, no, no.
17:32I changed the order, you see.
17:33What seems to be the trouble?
17:35Well, I thought Mr. Hutchison ordered an omelette.
17:37No, he went off it, Polly, so we changed the order.
17:38It's perfectly simple.
17:39Well, I'm sorry, but I wasn't told.
17:41Well, I told Chef, so he should have told you.
17:42Well, he didn't.
17:43Well, is that my fault?
17:44No, is it mine?
17:44No, it is.
17:45What?
17:46It's the chef's fault.
17:46A big pardon?
17:47Well, clearly, in a case like this where the order's been changed,
17:49the chef's been informed, it's his responsibility...
17:51You want to come around the place?
17:52You want to come around the hotel?
17:54Right, Mr. Hutchison's taking over, Polly,
17:55so I'll have the omelette.
17:56I'm sure with his natural charlie,
17:57the fine experience will be no more problems.
17:59Come on!
17:59Can't sit around all day!
18:01There's lots to be done!
18:02No, no!
18:02No, no!
18:03What is going on, Basil?
18:05Hello, dear.
18:06Well?
18:06Is that better, Mr. Hutchison?
18:07What?
18:08Is that better?
18:09Good, good.
18:10Well, that's all sorted out, then.
18:11Isn't there something wrong?
18:12Yes, there is.
18:13I have been given an erroneous dish.
18:16Thank you, Basil.
18:17I'll deal with this.
18:17Thank you, Polly.
18:18Now, you see, I did order the omelette in the first place,
18:21but then I changed my mind.
18:23I see.
18:23Well, I'll just go in the kitchen and find out what's happened.
18:33Manuel?
18:34Nice.
18:35The bottle.
18:36Er, yes.
18:37Where is it?
18:38Okay.
18:38Oh, I take it.
18:40I take it, I take it.
18:42Come here.
18:43You're a waste of space.
18:45Oh!
18:50There we are.
18:51No, no, no, no.
18:52Just a moment, please.
18:53Yes?
18:54I did not order that.
18:55You didn't?
18:55I did not.
18:56I'm sorry.
18:57There's an order for a patty for this table.
18:59Oh, dear me.
19:00Things do seem to be going wrong today, don't they?
19:02Hello, Sybil.
19:03Taking care of things, are you?
19:04Yes, thank you, Basil.
19:04Good.
19:05Everything's all right, then.
19:05Well, it appears that I'm being off...
19:07We're just sorting it out, thank you, Basil.
19:08That's fine.
19:09You didn't order patty meson.
19:10No, I did not.
19:11I ordered the omelette.
19:11Oh, well, I'll leave you to deal with them.
19:12In the first place.
19:14No, no, no, no.
19:22Oh.
19:30How did you do that?
19:32What?
19:32Where did you get it?
19:34Where did I get it?
19:35That's right.
19:35I mean, how did you get it?
19:36Well, the waiter opened it for me.
19:38The waiter opened it for you?
19:40Yes.
19:40I've told you about him, haven't I?
19:45Oh, no, no, for goodness sake.
19:48What is it?
19:48What is it?
19:49I did not order a lamb casserole.
19:52No, he didn't.
19:52He did not order one, Polly.
19:53So why has he got one?
19:54Because Mrs. Fawlty told me to give him one.
19:56I know how she feels.
19:57I've got one.
19:59Who took the order?
20:01I don't know.
20:02Meanwhile, I mean, look.
20:03How could it be so difficult to get a cheese salad?
20:06You want to run the place?
20:07No, no, I just want a cheese salad.
20:08Well, shut up, then.
20:09I beg your pardon.
20:10I'll get you a cheese salad.
20:11And don't listen to anyone.
20:12Just get him a cheese salad.
20:13But what?
20:13See?
20:15Excuse me.
20:16I've changed my mind.
20:17I do not want the cheese salad.
20:19I wish to cancel it.
20:20I'm not used to being spork and too like that, Mr. Fawlty.
20:22And I've no wish to continue my luncheon.
20:24Well, I do apologize if what I said just now seemed to trifle brusque.
20:27Brusque?
20:27It was rude, Mr. Fawlty.
20:29I said rude.
20:30Well, I'm deeply sorry if it came over like that.
20:32I mean, nothing could have been further from my mind.
20:33You told me to shut up.
20:35No, no.
20:35He told me to shut up.
20:37You what?
20:37He said it to me.
20:38Oh, no.
20:38I was looking at you, but I was talking to Polly.
20:41Wasn't I, Polly?
20:41Oh, yes.
20:42Did you notice then that I was looking at you, but talking to her?
20:45What?
20:45You see, he was looking at you, but talking to me.
20:47Wasn't he?
20:48Wasn't I?
20:49What?
20:49So you weren't being rude, were you, Mr. Fawlty?
20:51Absolutely not.
20:52You see?
20:53Me?
20:53Yes.
20:54Yeah, but if you say shut up to somebody, that's the one you want to shut up, isn't it?
20:57Well, not necessarily.
20:58I'm sorry, were you talking to me?
20:59Yes.
20:59I beg your pardon.
21:00Ah, there.
21:01You see how easily these misunderstandings occur?
21:03Oh, yes, I do.
21:04So, won't you salad then, please, Polly?
21:06Certainly, Mr. Hatterson.
21:07And if there's anything else, please don't hesitate to ask.
21:09Yes, thank you.
21:15I'm so sorry.
21:16He's from Barcelona.
21:19I, uh, I trust your patio is satisfactory?
21:21Yes, yes, thank you.
21:22Oh, good, good.
21:23The chef buys it himself, you know.
21:24Buys it?
21:25Oh, yes, he insists on it.
21:26I imagine the, uh, Corton complimented it delightfully?
21:29Yes, it's very good.
21:31Ah, excellent.
21:31More like a 66, really.
21:33Is it?
21:34Well, lots of body.
21:35Oh.
21:38Yes, yes, quite right.
21:39Well, it's always a pleasure to, uh, meet someone who appreciates the boudoir of the grape.
21:44I'm afraid most of the people we get in here don't know a Bordeaux from a Claret.
21:47A Bordeaux is a Claret.
21:50Oh, Bordeaux is a Claret, yes, yes.
21:52But they wouldn't know that.
21:53No, you obviously drink a lot.
21:54Uh, wine, I mean.
21:56Well, not a lot.
21:56I mean, a fair amount.
21:57I mean, the right amount for a connoisseur.
21:58I mean, that doesn't mean, you know, does it?
22:00I mean, some people drink it by the crease.
22:01But that's not being a connoisseur.
22:02That's just plain sloth.
22:05Oh, Bordeaux is one of the Clarets, all right.
22:07One.
22:07Oh, yes.
22:13So, you're down here on business, are you?
22:15What?
22:15You're not in the wine trade, by any chance.
22:17No, we're not.
22:18We are?
22:19I'm down here on business with a couple of colleagues and we are not in the wine trade.
22:22Ah, it's just that you're obviously so expert.
22:24No, I'm not expert.
22:25Oh, but you are.
22:26No, I'm not.
22:27Oh, yes, you are.
22:27I am not an expert.
22:29Three of you?
22:30What?
22:32Three of you?
22:33Yes, there are three of us.
22:34Well, the other two aren't here.
22:35They're staying at another hotel.
22:37Wait!
22:40So, it's all all right, is it?
22:41What?
22:42Well, I mean, things in general.
22:43I mean, the wine's really good.
22:44Yes.
22:44And the pate was all right?
22:45Yes, I said so.
22:46And the casserole?
22:47I haven't tasted it yet.
22:50Mmm.
22:51I've not been given the chance.
22:53Oh, no.
22:54Come on, now.
22:54This is quite absurd.
22:55I'm sorry.
22:56I do not want the omelette.
22:58It's nice.
22:58I don't want the bloody thing.
23:00I've sent it back once.
23:01Yes, give it to me.
23:01I fail to see how this sort of thing can happen.
23:04There.
23:04I've torn it up.
23:05You'll never see it again.
23:06All I wanted was a cheese salad.
23:08Nobody wants a cheese salad.
23:10There we are, sir.
23:11I'm so glad everything is still satisfactory.
23:12No, it is not.
23:13It is absolutely ridiculous.
23:15I mean, you are supposed to be running a hotel.
23:17My, that does no good.
23:18Yes, well, I've had the omelette,
23:19and then a prawn cocktail with a bloody silly name.
23:21Look at that cheddar.
23:22It's delicious.
23:22Then I had a plate of stew,
23:24and then a bloody omelette again.
23:25Yes, well, can we keep it down?
23:26Well, I mean, all I wanted was a cheese salad.
23:27It wasn't as though I'd ordered an elephant tea on a bun, was it?
23:30Thank you, sir.
23:31I mean, the whole thing is...
23:32Please have this.
23:32It's ridiculous.
23:33I mean, for a man who's supposed to be running a hotel,
23:35Well, your behaviour...
23:37Your behaviour is going...
23:39Your behaviour is going...
23:40Have you got thatquel!
23:41Have you got a special affection now, sir?
23:42Is there anything else that's on the...
23:44Look at that!
23:45Cheese!
23:46Have you got cheese?!
23:48It's all right.
23:49You know you're toasting!
23:50Don't worry.
23:51A bit of cheese went the wrong way.
23:57Never mind, he's finted it.
23:58Hello?
24:00Poor chap. Bit of cheese.
24:01Yes, please.
24:05What's happened?
24:06He fainted. He got a bit of cheese stuff.
24:09Basil, you do not faint from getting a bit of cheese stuff.
24:11I was giving him a bit of a pat on the back and he sort of moved just as I
24:14was...
24:15What have you done Basil?
24:16Er, nothing. He moved just as I was trying to...
24:18Oh, my God. Call the doctor.
24:19Look, I can handle this.
24:20Call the doctor.
24:20I can handle this.
24:20I can handle this.
24:21I can handle this.
24:23I'm just a great saber-toothed tart, so we'll let my husband do it.
24:27Oh, I'm so sorry to have left you.
24:29Er, I trust you enjoyed your meal?
24:30Yes, thank you.
24:31I was wondering...
24:31The casserole was really good, was it?
24:33Well, it was adequate.
24:34Oh, quite, yes, exactly.
24:35I'm afraid our chef at lunch today is not our regular.
24:38Incidentally, I'm sorry about that poor chap choking himself like that.
24:41I was wondering if you had a telephone, I might use.
24:43Oh, yes, please.
24:43Don't know how he managed to do it, but...
24:45Ah, there he is. Good.
24:46Ah, Mr Hutchison, there you are.
24:48Don't fight for shame about that bit of cheese getting stuck in the old windpipe like that.
24:51Would you like to go in there and discuss it?
24:53No, I'd prefer to come in here and discuss it.
24:55Oh, fine.
24:56I'm afraid it's a little bit of a mess.
25:01Well, that lie down seems to have done you some good.
25:07Sorry.
25:15I'm not a violent man, Mr Fawlty.
25:19Yes, you are.
25:19Oh, no, I'm not.
25:20No, but when I'm insulted and then attacked, I prefer to rely on my own metal than call the police.
25:25Do you? Do you?
25:26Yes, I do.
25:26Now, stand up like a man.
25:27Come on.
25:28Bit of trouble with the old leg, eh?
25:29Come on!
25:31Yeah.
25:32Look what I found.
25:33Yes.
25:34I hope I've made my point.
25:36Absolutely, yes.
25:36I've been looking for them.
25:37Yes, I would just like to say that this hotel is extremely inefficient and badly run and you are a
25:42very rude and discourteous man, Mr Fawlty.
25:45Have I said something funny, Mr Fawlty?
25:47Well, sort of pithy, I suppose.
25:48Oh, really?
25:49Well, here's the punchline.
25:51I'm going to fetch my belongings and I do not expect to receive a bill.
25:58You've handled that then, have you, Baza?
26:02Yes, dear, thank you.
26:03Leave it to me.
26:05Incidentally, I don't know if you realise, but he's a regular customer of ours.
26:08Oh, he loves it here.
26:09It's his second home.
26:10It's just that we always have to have this little...
26:12I don't know why, but he seems to like it.
26:14Really?
26:15The only danger is, though, that somebody's going to think he really isn't satisfied about something or the fighting's real.
26:20You know, and tell somebody.
26:21You won't mention it, will you?
26:22We'd love to offer you dinner here tonight as our guest to show our gratitude.
26:25What?
26:26A dinner tonight.
26:27Would you, would you?
26:27No, I can't tonight.
26:29Tomorrow night?
26:30I should be leaving tomorrow.
26:31I'm sorry.
26:33All right.
26:33Fifty pounds, then.
26:35Take your pardon?
26:36Fifty pounds.
26:37Not to mention it.
26:38Fifty pounds?
26:38Sixty.
26:39Not to write about it.
26:40You know, I mean, articles, books, letters.
26:42I'm afraid I really don't.
26:44Oh, please.
26:45It's taken us twelve years to build this place up.
26:47Don't put this in the book.
26:48We're finished if you don't.
26:49Please don't.
26:49Book?
26:50What book?
26:50The hotel guide.
26:51Oh, sorry.
26:51I shouldn't mention it.
26:53What have I done?
26:56You've got me confused with someone else.
26:58You've got me confused with someone else.
27:02I'm...
27:03I'm nothing to do with any hotel guide.
27:06I'm down here for the exhibition.
27:09I sell outboard motors.
27:12You've got me confused.
27:12All right?
27:13I...
27:14I...
27:14I...
27:14I...
27:18You're not an inspector?
27:19No.
27:20Not on the side?
27:22No.
27:22Swear to God.
27:24I...
27:24I tell you, I've...
27:25I've nothing to do with it.
27:26Oh, thank you.
27:27Oh, thank you so much.
27:28Oh.
27:28I don't know...
27:29I don't know how I...
27:30I could ever...
27:34Thanks.
27:35Thanks.
27:35Thanks.
27:35Thanks.
27:4126 bedrooms, 12 with private bathrooms.
27:44Yes, well, why don't you have dinner here and Chris and I can try the Claremont.
27:46Okay.
27:48The owner's one Basil Fawlty.
27:52Oh, please, senor.
27:54Mr. Fawlty want to say adios.
27:56He wants to...
27:56No, no.
27:57Oh!
28:02No, I'm getting patient.
28:03I'm sorry.
28:04I expect everybody here soon.
28:16Good afternoon, gentlemen.
28:18And what can I do for you three, gentlemen?
28:21Oh!
28:34We'll ЮMVui.
28:37We'll be there later.
28:38We'll be there tomorrow.
28:43We'll be there tomorrow.
28:45We'll be there tomorrow.
28:46Thanks.
28:47thought of your hand.
28:48The end may not suffer as much as hiself.
28:48You should be my partner.
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