- 2 days ago
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00:00Don't look.
00:04Kel Knight, you are my hairy stag, and I am your nubile nympho.
00:10Like two young saplings that grow together, may you find solace in my leafy canopy.
00:16Right, that's a start.
00:20Well I haven't had a lot of time, Kel.
00:22You should hear mine.
00:24Gold.
00:25If Brett calls, I'm incommunicado.
00:28Where?
00:30Oh, who's taken my pretty canut snack?
00:32Look at the size of it, Kel.
00:36And she's constantly fighting with breath.
00:38Maybe they should get some counselling.
00:41You know, you're not just a pretty face.
00:46You better put your skates on if we're going to make that celebration in time.
01:01Good evening.
01:04Good evening.
01:05Good evening.
01:05My name is Marian.
01:06I've been a marriage celebrant for eight and a half years.
01:09I've written several books on marriage.
01:11Please feel free to browse.
01:13We will be meeting regularly over the next few months leading up to your nuptials.
01:18I'm looking forward to getting to know you and I'm sure you're desperate to get to know me.
01:22So let's begin today by maybe thinking of three things that best describe who you are.
01:29I'll start.
01:30Let's see.
01:30Single.
01:32Plays the organ.
01:34One cat.
01:35Bark.
01:36Okay.
01:37Three things.
01:38Fit.
01:40Virile.
01:43In love.
01:46Um.
01:48Caring.
01:50Foxy.
01:52And.
01:53Ditto.
01:54In love.
01:55Well done.
01:56They're beautiful words.
01:58Now I'm assuming you're both goers for this weekend's sex in marriage workshop.
02:02Meals will be provided but please BYO plonk.
02:06Oh.
02:07Meals provided.
02:08That sounds unusual.
02:09That sounds nice actually.
02:10That's different.
02:11Yeah.
02:12Meals.
02:12Good.
02:12Okay.
02:13Anyone for a mug of Jarrah?
02:16Now I know that you two are having a real hard time at the moment.
02:20You know?
02:21Constantly fighting, getting up each other's goat on each other's back.
02:25You were a fairytale couple.
02:28You know?
02:29But now it is time for you to open your eyes wide shut.
02:33Okay?
02:34So Nicole, Tom, I want you to kiss and make up.
02:47Oh.
02:47Isn't that better?
02:49Hey Tim?
02:50Do you want to be a guinea pig?
02:53And blindfolds off.
02:59Oh.
02:59And how was that?
03:01Yeah.
03:02That was amazing Maryam.
03:03It's really surprising.
03:04Her skin, her hair lumps and bumps.
03:07It was like discovering a new person.
03:08Oh dear.
03:09Actually, Nicole, you did get a little bit lost there for a moment.
03:13Oh, sure.
03:13Maryam.
03:14No, no, no.
03:14That's fine.
03:15I'm used to it.
03:16Okay.
03:17Let's go and have a seat.
03:21Well, these are hot drinks.
03:23I need this.
03:26Right.
03:27So, folks, how are we faring that way?
03:31Okay, Kath.
03:32Um, we'd like to write our own.
03:34Thanks, Maryam.
03:35Right.
03:35And do you want to include any of your traditional love, honour and obey?
03:39No.
03:39Oh yes.
03:41Kath.
03:42What?
03:43I want to say love, honour and obey.
03:45You don't have to obey me.
03:46We're equal.
03:47Shh.
03:47No, Kel.
03:48It's more elegant if I obey you.
03:50Makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.
03:52It puts a bit of pressure on me.
03:53Oh.
03:54I'm going to obey you, Kel.
03:55I don't want you to obey me.
03:56Well, if I want to obey you, I will.
03:59I don't have to do what you say.
04:01You do have to do what I say.
04:03It's who?
04:04It says me and that's an order.
04:05Oh.
04:06It's dishing out orders now.
04:07Well, when it comes to being equal, we don't obey each other.
04:10Shh.
04:11Please.
04:12Careful.
04:13I don't want to have to make all the decisions.
04:15I don't want to be wearing the pants all the time.
04:17That's all it is.
04:18So it's my fault of being too modern, is it?
04:20Well, of course you've been modern, Kel.
04:21I just would like it if you're a bit more caveman and not so quiche man.
04:28Kim!
04:35Kim!
04:36Hi, Sharon.
04:37Oh, hi, Brady.
04:38Where's Kim?
04:38Oh.
04:39I hypnotised her to help with the junk food cravings, but when I came back from the loo,
04:43she was gone.
04:43Is she in the good room?
04:44Kim?
04:45Kim!
04:46What have I done, Brady?
04:47Maybe I've disappeared her.
04:48No, I think so.
04:49I'll check the bedroom.
04:49You don't understand, Brady.
04:51I have a gift.
04:52I'm burdening with the power.
04:53Oh, I'm sorry, Kim.
04:56Kim.
04:57Kim.
04:58With the power of my mind, I'm going to bring you back.
05:01Come back, Kim.
05:03Oh, Kim.
05:04Oh, Kim.
05:04Thank God.
05:06Wake up, Kim.
05:07Ow!
05:07Oh.
05:08Surreal!
05:10Stupid hypnotism made me starving.
05:12Oh, but you're back, Kim.
05:13Mind my cheese balls.
05:14There you are.
05:16Oh, what are you doing here, Baldy?
05:18I'm going to try and sort things out.
05:19Stop the fighting.
05:22Come on, Kim.
05:23What do you reckon?
05:23What do you say?
05:26I'm just trying to get us back together.
05:28And you keep on blocking me.
05:29Give me the cat's bum every step of the way.
05:31Okay.
05:32All right, you two now.
05:33Now, I'm actively listening.
05:34Oh, it's always about you, isn't it, Brad?
05:36Talk to me, Kim.
05:37I am talking to you.
05:38What is this chopped liver?
05:39No, it's not chopped liver, Kim.
05:40Talk to me properly.
05:41Talk about us.
05:42I am talking to you properly.
05:44I use your ears.
05:45I never yell, Brad.
05:47You yell at me all the time.
05:48I yell at me all the time.
05:49I yell at me all the time.
05:49I'm wearing the pants all the time.
05:50Sometimes I don't want to have any pants on at all.
05:53Is that all right?
05:54What are you doing here, Brad?
05:55I don't really understand what you're doing.
05:57I'm just going to call myself.
05:58It'll take you away.
05:59What are you saying?
05:59Is it all right?
05:59Where are you going to talk about?
06:01Call me.
06:02Call me.
06:02Call me.
06:03Stop calling me.
06:05You people need help.
06:08Professional help.
06:13Innermost feelings.
06:14Kim, I'll start with you, all right?
06:16Now, I want you to tell me, just show me a few words that describe how it is you are
06:20feeling
06:21now.
06:21Now, I know you're very angry.
06:22Just words.
06:25Incense.
06:26Grove football.
06:27Good.
06:28Good.
06:28Ready?
06:32Frustrated.
06:34Crying inside.
06:36Good.
06:37Kel?
06:38I'd have to say sheepish, but still satisfied after last night's love-making session.
06:43Oh, I shouldn't have to hear that.
06:45Thank you, Kel.
06:47And I'll wear the pants.
06:50Kim, leave off those cheese balls, please.
06:52Let's have them to your diet.
06:53Oh, here we go again.
06:54No, good point, Mrs. D. Let's talk about Kim's waist for a moment.
06:58Now, Kim, why do you think you have a waist problem?
07:00Because she has no self-control, that's fine.
07:03I'll tell you why I have a weight problem.
07:05Because, Mum, ever since I can remember, you've belittled me and that's why I'm big.
07:08So what are you saying, Kim?
07:10That my belittling has been big kids?
07:11Well, that's what I am saying.
07:12What about poor Brett?
07:13Here.
07:14Having to wake up to that every morning.
07:16Oh, let me out of this, Mrs. D.
07:17Please.
07:17Oh, thanks for your support, Brett.
07:19Do anything.
07:20All I know is, Mum, you caused most of my problems.
07:22You don't understand me.
07:23You don't care about me.
07:24You don't love me like a real mother should.
07:26Yes.
07:27That is because you're adopted.
07:30What?
07:31I knew it.
07:32That's not true, Sharon.
07:33Kim's not adopted.
07:34But what was it you told me the other day, Mrs. D?
07:37That was in the strictest of confidence.
07:39Yeah, but what was it then?
07:41Yeah.
07:41What was it?
07:43Um, I said, and Kel knows this already, that I was already pregnant with Kim when I married
07:47her father.
07:48Oh, I would get being a bastard and adopted mixed up.
07:51Oh, I don't believe it.
07:53I wish I was adopted.
07:55Oh, Kim.
07:56That's very good, Kim.
07:57Now, let's use that, all right?
07:58Talk to me.
07:58Tell me.
07:58What are you feeling now?
08:00What am I feeling?
08:00I'll tell you what I'm feeling.
08:02I'm feeling that I'm a bastard, my mother's a bitch, and you're bloody stupid.
08:05Oh, I agree.
08:06Oh, wait a minute.
08:07I'm not talking to you.
08:08No, I'm not talking to you, Sharon.
08:10I am certainly not talking to you, Kim.
08:12Come on.
08:12Calm down, lady.
08:13No one's talking to you.
08:15I'm sorry.
08:15I'm sorry.
08:18I don't need this.
08:20Look, if anyone wants me, I'm packing for my weekend workshop.
08:23Kel, are you coming?
08:27Okay, take five.
08:35I suppose I shouldn't have called Mum a bitch, but she made me a bastard.
08:39I know I'm not technically a bastard, but it's really churned me up inside, so I couldn't
08:46possibly be dieting at this stage.
08:48I'm not talking to you.
08:51He's only alocke.
08:57I'm not talking to you.
08:59Look.
09:02A
09:03cow's not here.
09:04He must be out.
09:06Oh, Kel, can you take my vanity in, please?
09:10I'm just going to go up with the bins out.
09:11Got to get all those bottles.
09:12I'll give you a hand with the bins first.
09:14Oh, thanks, Kel.
09:32Sounds like Kim's back.
09:34Are you going to talk to her?
09:36Kel, I have given and given and given until I'm blue in the face.
09:41No, my lips stay zipped until I get an apology.
09:45Really?
09:46You won't unzip them even for me?
09:52Well.
09:59Hi, Mum.
10:00How's the weekend?
10:04Kel, can you tell Mum to come out here because I need to speak to her?
10:07Kel, can you tell Kim I am not speaking to her until I get an apology?
10:11Kel, can you tell Mum to think about coming downstairs because I really wanted to see something?
10:15Kel, can you tell me?
10:17Go on, Kel, make up with Kim.
10:19And that's an order.
10:21Oh, an order, eh?
10:23Who's wearing the pants now?
10:25Well, the little shorty shorts, anyway.
10:30in a minute. Nearly Kim, is she going to talk to you again?
10:37I don't know, you're the expert, you tell me.
10:39Oh no, I've given up the self-help cable, gone back to ping-pong.
10:42Hang on, breathe in. Oh, there.
10:48I'm so glad I took up the bags again.
10:51Sharon, your counselling session really taught me something.
10:54You know, it doesn't matter how healthy you are on the inside,
10:56it's what you look like that counts.
10:59Your mum, your mum's coming.
11:05Oh, Kim.
11:06What, Mum?
11:07You look beautiful. Turn around.
11:11Oh, you look just like Mariah Kingery.
11:14I can't believe it, how many kilos have you lost? How did you do it?
11:17Oh, willpower, Mum. Sheer willpower.
11:19And she's taken up the fags again.
11:21Good girl, Kim, good girl.
11:23Thanks, Mum. Now, I've decided to lose the weight the sensible, old-fashioned way,
11:27laxatives and smokes.
11:29Well, look, I want to make a little speech here.
11:32I have to say I was deeply disturbed about some of the things that came out
11:35during our family counselling session.
11:37And after my weekend workshop, I feel that, yes, maybe I did play a small part in some of your
11:43myriad of problems.
11:45And as such, I am willing to leave off about your weight and to stop making comments on the snide
11:50all the time.
11:51Well, thank you, Mum. No, thank you. It's much appreciated.
11:55This is beautiful. Ladies, we have closure.
12:00So, what are we going to do about your love handles and your fidubitas?
12:02Mum!
12:04You, my Kim. I'm using you, Mum. I'm reading you.
12:07That's not funny.
12:07Oh, come on. Have a laugh. Come on. Have a laugh.
12:09Oh, actually, don't. Your tummy will wobble.
12:10Mum!
12:18Oh, that's not going to work. Why don't you use silk flowers, Mum?
12:22Because I don't want to, all right?