- 2 days ago
Category
🎈
FunTranscript
00:00I am your nymphette, since we met at the vet.
00:30And you pushed my button and made me go off.
00:32Has Lisa Curry-Kenny called?
00:34No, Sharon.
00:35What about Missy Hyman? Has Missy Hyman called?
00:38No, Sharon Love.
00:39That's weird. They said they'd both call, definitely.
00:42What, here?
00:43Yeah, I gave them your number. I hope you don't mind.
00:45They were both guest speakers at the Sports Motivational Conference I did at the weekend.
00:48Oh, yes. How was Mildura?
00:51Unbelievable, Mrs D.
00:53I walked across hot coals.
00:55Oh, is that why you're limping, love?
00:56Yeah. Unfortunately, the bottom of my tracky-dacks caught fire, but it's only third-degree burn, so...
01:01Oh, well, that's nice, isn't it, Sharon?
01:03I'll tell you who is really nice, though.
01:05Missy and Lisa.
01:06I cornered them in a spa at the end of the Mind Body workshop.
01:09Showed them my burns.
01:10They were very nice about it, Mrs D.
01:13Take them all my numbers. I can't understand why they haven't called.
01:16Gee, Kim is very laid-back with those bridesmaids dresses.
01:20I hope she hasn't pranged my verena.
01:23Oh, fuckerish.
01:25What exactly is it that you're doing, Mrs D?
01:27Oh, I'm trying to workshop our wedding vows.
01:30Kel and I have our first meeting with the marriage celebrants tomorrow.
01:33Oh, well, marriage preparation classes. I love all that stuff.
01:37Gee, I wish Brittany and Kim had done some of that.
01:39Oh, you haven't seen Kim yet, have you?
01:41Haven't heard the late?
01:42What?
01:43Oh, don't tell me she's got back together with Brittany and moved out.
01:45Oh, no, Sharon, I wish.
01:47No, it's unbelievable.
01:48I tell you, Kim has given up smoking.
01:51Cold turkey.
01:52Hasn't had a cigarette for six days now.
01:54Fantastic!
01:55But I tell you, she's like a bear with a sore head
01:58and eating to compensate.
02:00Oh.
02:00Yeah, but you know, for her health and her longevity, Mrs D,
02:03it is much better that she give up the smoking.
02:05Oh, Sharon, what good's your health and living a long life
02:08if you're the side of a house and a pain in the proverbial?
02:15I'm back.
02:15Oh, here they are.
02:17There you go.
02:18Oh, look.
02:18Him.
02:19Oh, my God.
02:21What?
02:22Nothing.
02:24Starving.
02:24I've been stuck in traffic all afternoon.
02:27Oh, no, girls.
02:29I want you to go and throw them on straight away.
02:31Come on.
02:31I'm too sweet.
02:32All right.
02:32I'm so excited.
02:33Come on, Sharon.
02:34Get the course off your fingers, please.
02:37Fine.
02:45My dear, for wedding vows, love and other bruises,
02:49makes us all good losers.
02:58What do you think, Mrs D?
03:00Mmm.
03:01Mmm.
03:02Maybe we just need to redo the spaghetti straps
03:05and, uh, there's no idea for dubitas.
03:08Oh, we've got the matching pashmina.
03:11That'll be fine.
03:12I think it looks pretty.
03:13Yeah, it's nice.
03:13Go for a little walk.
03:15Yeah, all right.
03:16Yeah, the length's good.
03:17Yeah, the length's nice.
03:18I really like it.
03:19I think it's...
03:20Look.
03:22Oh, Kim.
03:23I know.
03:24Oh, no.
03:25Oh, no.
03:27How much weight have you put on?
03:28It's not my fault.
03:30Ah, look.
03:30Roman.
03:31You just did it wrong.
03:35Calm down, Cass.
03:36Calm down.
03:36It's all right.
03:37What can we do?
03:38Well, maybe we could do a sort of a backless arrangement here.
03:40Oh, was that something?
03:40Yeah, that'd be nice, sucker.
03:42Oh, but then if you're welcome, Matt.
03:44What are you talking about?
03:44Oh, the unsightly patched hair just there.
03:47What are you doing?
03:47Oh, the unsightly patched hair just there.
03:47Oh, I don't ever welcome, Matt.
03:48Yeah, you do, Kim.
03:50Hormonal problems are nothing to be ashamed of, Kim.
03:52Maybe we could just get it whacked from when you do your brow.
03:55Mum! Oh no, can we do have a problem?
03:59It is a bit of a worry, Kim.
04:01I beg yours?
04:02Oh, I'm not criticizing you.
04:05It's his dress that makes you look like a frump.
04:07And you think yours looks good, do you, Sharon?
04:09Well, let me tell you, Mum, I'm not going to be standing next to that at your wedding.
04:12Yes, you have at least mine sit! At least mine is in my car!
04:16Oh yeah, red goes with your hives!
04:18They are not hives!
04:20They are wealth, Kim, from my carbuncles!
04:24We'll just have to get Rona to remake them!
04:26What's the problem?
04:27Mum, I can't do that!
04:28That was the last of the very specially imported fabric!
04:31Go and take it off before you split the seams any more!
04:34I'm serious!
04:36Oh, it's stuck into all this!
04:42I'm really happy with mine, Mrs. D.
04:45You know, one out of two ain't bad.
04:46I can't believe, Kim!
04:48I just want this day to be perfect, Sharon!
04:51My wedding to her father was a shocker from go to woe!
04:54Oh, Kim doesn't know this!
04:56I've always told her she was eight months premature!
04:59And thank goodness she's always been shocking en masse, because she's never twigged!
05:03But on my day-a-day, Sharon, I was as big as a house!
05:06It was a shocker wedding!
05:08No, it was sit down for forty people!
05:10Oh no!
05:10But it was a nightmare, not unlike the whole marriage!
05:12But don't go there, girlfriend, please!
05:13Here's your stupid dress!
05:18Mum's the word on that, Sharon!
05:20Yeah, sure!
05:22Kimmy, look, I don't want to nag you!
05:25You've just got to lose a lot of weight!
05:27Too sweet, please!
05:28What do you want me to do, Mum?
05:29Take up smoking again?
05:31Oh, well, that's your choice, Kim!
05:33But if you don't have the willpower to give up smoking and not pig out...
05:36I mean, look at me!
05:37I keep my weight in check!
05:39Did you smoke, Mum?
05:40Oh, ones?
05:41They hardly count, Kim!
05:43You've just got to go on a diet!
05:45Mum, I've been on a diet since I was five years old!
05:47Doesn't seem to be worth...
05:49Please!
05:51Now, Kimmy, look at me!
05:52Look at me!
05:53Look at me!
05:53Look at me!
05:54Look at me, please, Kim!
05:56Now, I've got one word to say to you, Kim!
05:58Ozone!
05:59What?
06:00Ozone!
06:00The ozone diet!
06:01It's the only way!
06:02You must have heard of it!
06:03It's taken Hollywood by storm!
06:05Everybody's on it!
06:05Madonna, Penn, Richie!
06:07Jennifer, Pitt, Aniston!
06:08Courtney loves cock!
06:10Ozone diet!
06:11What is that specifically in diet?
06:13Well, it's air, evidently, Kimmy!
06:14You just eat air for two weeks, and then only red meat for two weeks!
06:18So it all balances out!
06:19Oh!
06:19Sounds stupid, Mum!
06:20Oh!
06:21Is Lance Hurley stupid, Kim?
06:23Is Rachel Hunter stupid?
06:25Because they've all been on it, and they've all lost it!
06:27I don't know!
06:28Well, I bloody know, Kim!
06:30Well, you know, you can't force it, Mum!
06:31It's got to come from me!
06:33I don't care where it comes from, as long as it comes off!
06:35Yes, hello!
06:37I'm just warning you, Kim!
06:39Your spare tire is not going to derail me and Kel's wedding!
06:43Alright, I'm going to show you!
06:44I'm going to make you eat your words!
06:47Well, as long as you don't eat them, that's all I care!
06:49No, my diet starts as of tomorrow!
06:51I've got a phone call to make!
07:02In olden times, as in times of now, the question seems the same somehow.
07:07Doesn't thou love me, oh, lady, fine?
07:09The same as I do you.
07:11Big time!
07:14Big time!
07:17Chicken Tear Vim Buttersauce with Creamy Pasta on the side!
07:20They're here!
07:23The Farley Pomodori with Asian Greens!
07:26What's my new diet, Mum?
07:28It's packaged food delivered to your door!
07:30Celine Cuisine!
07:31It's based on Celine Dion's exact diet!
07:34Well, I don't know if I want you looking like Celine Dion at my wedding.
07:36She's far too thin.
07:38Mum!
07:38Is that all you get for a week?
07:40Yeah.
07:40You'll go through that lot in a day, I'd say.
07:41Oh, ha ha!
07:43I'm not laughing and I have a very good sense of humour.
07:47Hello, Sharon love.
07:48How are your poor feet?
07:50Oh, good, thanks Mrs D.
07:52What are you reading there?
07:53Oh, it's a self-help book, Mrs D, all about motivation.
07:57I'm reading for Kim because she can't be bothered.
07:59Oh, self-help.
08:00Now that does sound interesting.
08:02You know, Kim, I really think that's all you need.
08:04Just a bit of motivation, you know.
08:07Maybe you should get a life coach.
08:08Try hypnosis.
08:09They've got really excellent weight control therapy these days.
08:11Oh, don't start me on your therapy, Sharon.
08:13I don't want a stranger poking around my emotional holes at the moment, please.
08:16You know, Kim, it's all about what's going on inside.
08:20Your fat is probably all in your head.
08:22A little bit on your thighs, but mostly in your head.
08:26You're nice, Sharon.
08:28Tim, if you would only own your problem in your ring of concern.
08:32Why don't you get your nose out of my ring, Sharon?
08:34Okay.
08:35Okay, I am actively listening, alright?
08:39Alright?
08:40I am taking your aggro on board.
08:43Because I am okay and you are okay.
08:46No, I'm okay.
08:48You're a dickhead.
08:49I'm going to read this in my room.
08:51No, Kim.
08:52I am okay.
08:54See, you've got all the lingo down, haven't you, Sharon?
08:56Oh, yeah.
08:58I'm addicted to all this stuff, Mrs. D.
09:00These books are fantastic.
09:01I mean, really big changes are happening for me, you know?
09:05I mean, I'm growing.
09:06I'm changing.
09:07Just watch this space.
09:08I think I might have actually found my calling.
09:10Oh, really?
09:11How so?
09:11Well, considering all the reading up I've been doing,
09:14and my experience in sport, and my third degree burns,
09:18I think that the really obvious part for me is marriage counselling.
09:23You know, getting troubled couples, bringing them together,
09:25and then helping them paper over their cracks.
09:29Oh, Brett.
09:31Kim?
09:32Yeah?
09:33Brett here.
09:34Yeah, I know.
09:35We're going out for lunch.
09:36That sounds promising.
09:51Do you want a fry?
09:52No, Brett.
09:54Nice talking too, Jo.
09:55We love you drive through, don't you?
09:57Hello.
09:57I'm still here.
10:01I invited you out to lunch today, Kim, to talk about us.
10:05I'm all in.
10:07There's so much that's good about us, Kim.
10:10I'm the first to open our marriage as room for improvement.
10:13You're moving home and be a star.
10:16Well, that may be true, Brett, but I'm not sure.
10:17But I still have some issues.
10:19No, you do, Kim.
10:21Well, just ask me.
10:22I'll be honest with you, and you'll be honest with me.
10:23You just ask.
10:24I don't want to talk about it.
10:26If it's something I've said or something I've done.
10:28Brett, do you think I look fat?
10:29Don't ask me that, Kim.
10:30What?
10:31Oh, please.
10:31What?
10:31It's just a question.
10:33Do you think I'm fat?
10:35I don't want to fight.
10:36Brett, I'm not going to bite your head off.
10:39Come on.
10:40Do you think I'm overly big?
10:42I don't care about you, wait.
10:43You could be the size of a house.
10:44I'd still love you.
10:44Yeah.
10:47The size of a house.
10:51Where do you get off?
10:52You should take a look in the mirror sometime.
10:54You know oil painting yourself, Baldy?
10:56Well, you're the bloody one.
10:57You know there are millions of guys out there who think I'm hot.
11:00Yeah.
11:00Even if you, my husband doesn't.
11:02Thank you for that.
11:03Well, I didn't.
11:03You know I didn't know it.
11:12Close your big fat ass.
11:21Oh, Kel.
11:30145.
11:31That's very good, sweet.
11:31Oh.
11:32I tell you, Kel.
11:34Tim could do with a bit of cardio, you know.
11:36A little bit of hussy-sussy three times a week wouldn't go astray because I tell you,
11:40I'm not buying another froth for her.
11:42How are you going with your vows for the celebrant?
11:44Because I think we should go in there armed with the words we want.
11:47Yeah.
11:48I concur.
11:49I think the words do need to be peculiar to us.
11:52Any ideas?
11:53Oh, yeah.
11:54I've written something on the computer.
11:56Oh, good.
11:56Don't laugh.
11:57Okay.
11:57I'll read it out for you.
12:01Don't look.
12:02Okay.
12:03Okay.