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00:00...here in a frontal nude scene, unless it was valid.
00:04In 1943, a group of British Army officers working deep behind enemy lines
00:07carried out one of the most dangerous and heroic raids in the history of warfare.
00:13But that's as may be.
00:16And now...
00:19Go in.
00:2441.
00:25I'd like to leave the Army, please, sir.
00:27Good heavens, man, why?
00:28It's dangerous.
00:29What?
00:31There are people with guns out there, sir.
00:32What?
00:33Real guns, sir, not proper ones, sir.
00:34Not toy ones, sir. Proper ones, sir.
00:36They've all got them.
00:37All of them, sir.
00:38And some of them have got tanks.
00:39Watkins, they are on our side.
00:41And grenades, sir.
00:42And machine guns, sir.
00:43So I'd like to leave, sir, before I get killed, please.
00:46Watkins, you've only been in the Army a day.
00:48I know, sir, but people get killed.
00:50Properly dead, sir.
00:51No barley cross fingers, sir.
00:53The boat was telling me, if you're in the Army and there's a war,
00:57you have to go and fight.
00:59That's true.
01:00Well, I mean, blimey, I mean, if it was a big war, somebody could be hurt.
01:06Watkins, why did you join the Army?
01:08For the water skiing and for the travel, sir.
01:11And not for the killing, sir.
01:12I asked them to put it on my form, sir.
01:14No killing.
01:16Watkins, are you a pacifist?
01:17No, sir, I'm not a pacifist, sir.
01:19I'm a coward.
01:21That's a very silly line.
01:22Sit down.
01:23Yes, sir.
01:23That's awfully bad.
01:27Two civilian gentlemen to see you, sir.
01:30Gentlemen, please, sergeant.
01:31Mr. Dino Picotti and Mr. Luigi Picotti.
01:38Good morning, Colonel.
01:40Good morning, gentlemen.
01:41Now, what can I do for you?
01:43You've, uh...
01:44You've got a nice Army base there, Colonel.
01:48Yes.
01:49We wouldn't want anything to happen, poet.
01:52What?
01:53No, what my brother means is it would be a shame if that...
01:56Oh, sorry, Colonel.
01:59Well, don't worry about that, but please do sit down.
02:00No, we, uh, prefer to stand, thank you, Colonel.
02:03All right, all right.
02:03But what do you want?
02:04What do we want?
02:08Very good, Colonel.
02:09Colonel's a joker, Luigi.
02:11Explain it to the Colonel, Dino.
02:13How many tanks you got, Colonel?
02:15About 500 altogether.
02:16500, eh?
02:17You ought to be careful, Colonel.
02:19We are careful.
02:19Extremely careful.
02:20Because, uh, things break, don't they?
02:23Break?
02:23Well, everything breaks, doesn't it, Colonel?
02:26Oh, there.
02:27Oh, I see, my brother's clumsy, Colonel.
02:30When he gets unhappy, he, uh, breaks things.
02:32Like, say, don't feel the Army's playing fair by him.
02:35Uh, he may start breaking things, Colonel.
02:38But what is all this about?
02:40How many men you got here, Colonel?
02:42Oh, uh, 7,000 inventories, 600 artillery,
02:46and, uh, two divisions of paratroops.
02:48Paratroops, Dino?
02:49Oh, it'd be a shame if someone was to set fire to them.
02:52Set fire to them.
02:54Fire's happened, Colonel.
02:55Things burn.
02:56Look, what is all this about?
03:00Uh, my brother and I got a little proposition for you, Colonel.
03:03Could save you a lot of bother.
03:05I mean, you're doing all right here, aren't you, Colonel?
03:06Well, suppose some of your tanks was to get broke
03:08when the troops started getting lost.
03:11Uh, fights started breaking out during general inspection line.
03:14Wouldn't be good for business, would it, Colonel?
03:16Are you threatening me?
03:17Oh, no, no, no, no.
03:19What ever made you think that, Colonel?
03:21Colonel doesn't think we're nice people, Louie.
03:23We're your buddies, Colonel.
03:24We want to look after you.
03:26Look after me?
03:28We can guarantee you
03:29that not a single armored division will get done over
03:34for 15 bubble wheat.
03:35No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
03:378 and 6.
03:37No, no, no, no, this is silly.
03:39What's silly?
03:40No, the whole premise is silly
03:41and it's very badly written.
03:42I'm the senior officer here
03:43and I haven't had a funny line yet,
03:44so I'm stopping you.
03:45You can't.
03:47I've done it.
03:47The sketch is over.
03:48I want to leave the army police, sir.
03:49It's dangerous.
03:50Look, I stopped your sketch five minutes ago,
03:52so get out of shot.
03:53Right, director,
03:55close up,
03:56zoom in on me.
03:59That's better.
03:59It's only because you couldn't think of a punchline.
04:01Not true, not true.
04:02It's time for the cartoon.
04:04Cue telecine.
04:0710, 9, 8...
04:08The general public's not going to understand this, are they?
04:10Shut up, you high toys.
04:31Hey, hey, what's going?
04:33What's happening here?
04:34Hey, hey, wait a minute.
04:35Hey, ho, hey, ho, hey!
04:38Stop there!
04:45Well, ladies and gents,
04:46here it is.
04:47The show you've been waiting for,
04:47the show you've heard so much about.
04:48This is the show that gives you what you want
04:50the way you like it,
04:50so move right up front for full throttle nudity.
05:08Down.
05:11I'm sorry.
05:22Thank you for the stream, sweetie.
05:51I've made this great, ladies and gentlemen.
05:53Admittedly, a few problems, a few disappointments...
05:54Shut up, your fancy.
05:56I think I'm going to get some.
05:59That's right, Taylor.
06:02Full frontal nudity?
06:04Never.
06:04What do you think, Barbara?
06:05Oh, no, no.
06:10Full frontal nudity?
06:11Yes, I'd do it if it was valid.
06:13If the money was valid.
06:15And if it were a small part.
06:25Good evening.
06:27I'd like to talk to you tonight about the place of the nude in my bed.
06:31Um.
06:33In the history of my bed.
06:34Of art.
06:35Art.
06:35I'm sorry.
06:37The place of the nude in the history of Tart.
06:39Colgar, I'm sorry.
06:43I'll start again.
06:44Bum.
06:45Oh, the giveaway.
06:46Oh, the place of the nude in our.
06:48Hello there, Father, Confessor, Professor, Your Honor, Your Grace.
06:51I'm not your Grace.
06:52I'm your Elsie.
06:55What a terrible joke.
06:58But it's my only line.
07:06But there, let us leave the art critic to strangle his wife and move on to Pastors New.
07:15No.
07:31No!
07:33No!
07:37No!
07:59We want to buy a bed, please.
08:00Oh, certainly.
08:01I'll get someone to attend to you.
08:03Mr. Verity.
08:05Can I help you, sir?
08:06Ah, yes.
08:06We'd like to buy a bed, a double bed, about £50.
08:09Oh, no, I'm afraid not, sir.
08:10Our cheapest bed is £800, sir.
08:12£800?
08:13Oh, perhaps I should have explained.
08:15Mr. Verity does tend to exaggerate,
08:17so every figure he gives you will be ten times too high.
08:20Otherwise, he's perfectly all right.
08:22Perfectly.
08:23Oh, I see.
08:25I see, so your cheapest bed is £80.
08:28£800, yes, sir.
08:30And how wide is it?
08:31The width is 60 feet wide.
08:34Six foot wide, yes.
08:35And the length?
08:36The length is, um, Lambert?
08:39Hmm?
08:39What is the length of the comfy down, majorette?
08:42Uh, two foot long.
08:43Two foot long?
08:44Ah, yes, you have to remember, of course,
08:45to multiply everything Mr. Lambert says by three.
08:48Ah, it's nothing he can help you understand.
08:50Apart from that, he's perfectly all right.
08:52Ah, I see.
08:52I'm sorry.
08:53But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot wide,
08:56it is, in fact, 60 feet wide.
08:58Ah.
09:00Yes, I see.
09:01And that's not counting the mattress.
09:02Oh, how much is that?
09:03Ah, Lambert will be able to help you there.
09:05Lambert, will you show these 20 good people
09:07the, uh, dog kennel, please?
09:09Dog kennel?
09:10No, no, no, mattresses.
09:11Mattress.
09:11Oh, no, no.
09:12You have to say dog kennel to Mr. Lambert
09:14because if you say mattress,
09:16he puts a bag over his head.
09:17I should have explained.
09:18Apart from that, he's really all right.
09:25Ah, um, uh, we'd like to see the dog kennels, please.
09:28Dog kennels?
09:29Yes, we want to see the dog kennels.
09:31Ah, yes, well, that's the Pets Department, second floor.
09:34Ah, no, no, no.
09:35We want to see the dog kennels.
09:37Yes, Pets Department, second floor.
09:39No, no, no, we don't really want to see dog kennels.
09:41Only your colleague said we ought to...
09:43Oh, dear, what's he been telling you now?
09:45Well, he said we should say dog kennel to you
09:47instead of mattress.
09:51Oh, hello, hello.
09:53Did you say mattress?
09:55Oh, a little, yes.
09:55I did ask you not to say mattress, didn't I?
09:58Now I've got to stand in the tea chest.
10:04And did those feet in ancient times
10:08Walk up on England's mountains green
10:11And was the Holy Lamb of God
10:15On England's presence?
10:22It should be all right now, but don't, you know, just don't.
10:26Oh, no, no, no, no.
10:31Here, we'd like to say the dog kennels, please.
10:33Yes, second floor.
10:34Ah, no, no, no, look.
10:36These dog kennels here, see?
10:38Mattresses?
10:39Oh, yes.
10:40Well, if you meant mattress, why didn't you say mattress?
10:42I mean, it's very confusing for me
10:43if you're going to say dog kennels
10:44when you mean mattress.
10:45Why not just say mattress?
10:47What do you mean you put a bag over your head
10:49last time we said mattress?
10:54Bring me my bow of burning gold
10:58Bring me my arrows of desire
11:01Bring me my spear of words on four
11:05Bring me my failure from afar
11:10I shall not cease from mental strife
11:14Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
11:18Till when
11:27On England's green and pleasant
11:34Now, can I help you?
11:36We want a mattress
11:38Oh, what are you sure I haven't seen that for?
11:41But it's my only life
11:43Oh, what are you sure?
11:44Oh, what are you sure?
11:49Not in this part of each way
11:51I would only perform a scene
11:55in which there was total frontal nudity
11:58Now, I've noticed a tendency for this program
12:00to get rather silly
12:01Now, I do my best to keep things moving along
12:04but I'm not having things getting silly
12:06Those last two sketches I did
12:07got very silly indeed
12:09and that last one about the bed has even sillier
12:11now nobody likes a good laugh more than I do except perhaps my wife and some of
12:17her friends oh yes and Captain Johnson come to think of it most people like a
12:22good laugh more than I do but that's beside the point now let's have a good
12:25clean healthy outdoor sketch get some air into your lungs ten nine eight and
12:30all that ah yes that's better now let's hope this doesn't get silly
12:38hello are you a hermit baby John yes that's right are you a hermit yes I
12:43certainly am what are you getting away from oh you know the usual people chat
12:49gossip oh I certainly do it was the same with me I mean there comes a time when
12:53you realize there's no good fritching your life away in idleness and trivial
12:56chit-chat where's your cave oh up the goat track first on the left oh they're
13:01very nice up there aren't they yes well they'll be got the view you see a bit
13:04jaffed it though are they no we've had ours insulated oh yes yes it was bird's
13:08nest moss and oak leaves around the outside oh sounds
13:11marvellous oh it's a treat it really is because otherwise those stone caves could
13:14be so great yes they really can be counted
13:17morning Frank morning Norman talking of moss you know mr. Robinson with the
13:23green loincloth no that's mr. Seagrave mr. Robinson's the hermit who
13:27lodges with mr. Seagrave yes well he's put me onto wattles really yes swears by them
13:34morning Frank morning Lionel well he says that moss tends to fall off the cave
13:40wall during cold weather you know he might get a really bad spell and off the
13:44moss drops off the cave wall even cold oh well mr. Robinson's caves never been
13:48exactly nirvana has it oh quite that's what I mean
13:51anyway mr. Rogers he's the hermit on the end up at the top yes well he tried
13:56wattles and he came out in a rash really yes and there's me with half a wall wattled I
14:01mean what'll I do why don't you try birds nests like I've done or else dead
14:05bracken yes I'm gonna borrow your goat yes that'll be all right oh leave me a
14:12pint for breakfast will you see it you know that's the trouble with living
14:16halfway up a cliff you feel so cut off you know it takes me two hours every
14:20morning to get out onto the moors collect my berries chastise myself and two
14:24hours back in the evening still something about being a hermit at least you meet
14:27people oh yes I wouldn't go back to public relations oh well bye for now
14:33Frank must have all right you two hermits stop that sketch
14:36I think it's silly I mean he can't stop it he's on film
14:40that doesn't make any difference to the viewer at home does it come on get out
14:44come on all of you get out come on all of you get out come on all of you get
14:47there
14:48go on move move can't you get out
14:50go on move move can't you get out
14:53go on get out
15:00move move
15:01go on
15:01go on
15:02go on
15:12go on
15:14go on
15:14go on
15:21go on
15:26go on
15:41go on
15:44No, I'm sorry. Have a call. I wish to make it complete.
15:47Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
15:48Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot
15:51what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
15:54Oh, yes, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?
15:56I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead. That's what's wrong with it.
15:59No, no, it's resting. Look.
16:01Look, my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
16:06No, no, it's not dead. It's resting.
16:07Resting?
16:08Yeah. Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue. Beautiful plumage, isn't it?
16:11The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
16:14No, no, it's resting.
16:16All right, then. If it's resting, I'll wake it up.
16:20Hello, Polly. I got a nice catfish for you when you wake up, Polly Parrot.
16:25No, it moved.
16:25No, it didn't. That was you pushing the gas.
16:28I did not.
16:29Yes, you did.
16:30Hello, Polly. Polly.
16:36Polly Parrot, wake up. Polly.
16:42Now, that's what I call a dead parrot.
16:45No, no, it's stunned.
16:46Look, my lad, I've had just about enough of this.
16:49That parrot is definitely deceased.
16:52And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement
16:56was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.
17:01It's got me pining for the fjords.
17:03Pining for the fjords? What kind of talk is that?
17:07Look, where did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
17:10The Norwegian blue prefers kipping on its back.
17:12It's a beautiful bird, lovely plumage.
17:14Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot
17:16and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place
17:20was that it had been nailed there.
17:25Well, of course it was nailed there, otherwise it muscled up to those bars and boom!
17:28Look matey, this parrot wouldn't boom if I put 4,000 bolts through it.
17:35It's a bleeding demise.
17:37It's not, it's pining.
17:39It's not pining, it's passed on.
17:42This parrot is no more.
17:44It has ceased to be.
17:47It's expired and gone to meet its maker.
17:50This is a late parrot.
17:54It's a stiff, bereft of life.
17:57It rests in peace.
17:59If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies.
18:02It's run down the curtain and join the choir invisible.
18:06This is an ex-parrot.
18:11Well, I'd better replace it then.
18:13If you want to get anything done in this country,
18:15you've got to complain to know blue in the mouth.
18:18Sorry, gov, we're right out of parrots.
18:20I see.
18:20I see.
18:21I get the picture.
18:22I've got a slug.
18:25Does it talk?
18:27Not really, no.
18:28Well, it's scarcely replacement then, is it?
18:30Listen, I'll tell you what.
18:31Tell you what.
18:32If you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton,
18:34he'll replace your parrot for you.
18:35Bolton, eh?
18:36Yeah.
18:37Alright.
18:58Excuse me.
18:59This is Bolton, is it?
19:01No, no.
19:01It's Ipswich.
19:03That's Intercity Rail for you.
19:12I wish to make it complete.
19:13I don't have to do this, you know.
19:16I beg your pardon?
19:17I'm a qualified brain surgeon.
19:18I only do this because I like being my own boss.
19:22Excuse me.
19:23This is irrelevant, isn't it?
19:24Oh, yeah.
19:24It's not easy to pad these up to 30 minutes.
19:26Well, I wish to make it complete.
19:28I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswich.
19:32No, no.
19:32This is Bolton.
19:34The pet shop owner's brother was lying.
19:36Well, you can't blame British Rail for that.
19:38If this is Bolton, I shall return to the pet shop.
19:50I understand that this is Bolton.
19:53Yeah?
19:54But you told me it was Ipswich.
19:58It was a pun.
20:01A pun?
20:02No, no.
20:03Not a pun.
20:03What's the other thing which reads the same backwards as forwards?
20:08A palindrome?
20:09Yeah.
20:09Yeah.
20:10It's not a palindrome.
20:11The palindrome of Bolton would be not lobbed.
20:14It didn't work.
20:16What do you want?
20:17No, I'm sorry.
20:18I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any further as I think this is getting too silly.
20:23Quite agree.
20:23Quite agree.
20:24Silly, silly, silly.
20:25Right.
20:26Get on with it.
20:28Get on with it.
20:31Oh.
20:33Oh.
20:33Oh.
20:34I'm sorry.
20:35Uh.
20:36Uh.
20:36Now, um.
20:37Frontal nudity.
20:56Oh.
21:01Oh.
21:01Oh, I'm sorry.
21:02I thought the film was longer.
21:03Uh.
21:04Uh.
21:04Uh.
21:05Now, not lob.
21:06A Bolton.
21:08This is a frightened city.
21:11Over these houses, over these streets, hangs a pall of fear.
21:15Fear of a new kind of violence, which is terrorizing the city.
21:24Yes.
21:25Gangs of old ladies attacking defenceless, fit young men.
21:29Uh.
21:32Uh.
21:33Uh.
21:39Uh.
21:39More than the people they come up to you like and push you.
21:41You know.
21:42Shove you off the pavement like.
21:44There's usually four or five of them.
21:47Yeah.
21:48You know, this used to be a nice neighborhood before the old ladies started moving in.
21:53Nowadays, some of us don't even go out to the shops.
21:55What? Mr Johnson's son, Kevin, he doesn't go out any more.
21:59He comes back from resting and locks himself in his room.
22:15What are they in it for, these old hoodlums, these layabouts in lace?
22:20Well, it's something to do, isn't it?
22:23It's good fun.
22:25It's like, uh, I don't know, well, in it, right?
22:31Favourite targets for the old ladies are telephone kiosks.
22:40Well, come on, come on. Off with you. Here, now.
22:43Go on, off. Get out of it.
22:48We have a lot of trouble with these oldies.
22:50Pension day's the worst. They go mad.
22:52As soon as they get their hands on their money,
22:53they blow it all on milk, bread, tea, a tin of meat for the cat.
22:58Well, it will, of course, come the two o'clock men in here,
23:00you know, all the old pigs out in there.
23:03Especially if it's something like the, uh, sound of music.
23:05We get, uh, seats ripped up here again, it's broken, all that sort of thing.
23:13The whole problem of these senile delinquents lies in their complete rejection of the values of contemporary society.
23:21They've seen their children grow up and become accountants, stockbrokers, and even socialists.
23:26And they begin to wonder, is it all really...
23:35Oh, well, we sometimes feel we're to blame in some way for what our gran's become.
23:40I mean, she used to be quite happy here until she, she started on the, uh, crochet.
23:46Crochet?
23:46Yeah. Now she can't do without it.
23:48Twenty balls of wool a day sometimes.
23:50If she can't get the wool, she gets violent.
23:52What can we do about it?
24:09But this is not just an old lady's town.
24:12There are other equally dangerous gangs, such as the Baby Snatchers.
24:24I just left my husband outside here while I went in to do some shopping and I came back and
24:28he was gone.
24:30He was only forty-seven.
24:34And on the roads, too, vicious gangs of keep-left signs.
24:43Well, well, stop it. This room's got silly.
24:46It's called off a nice little idea about grannies attacking young men, but now it's got silly.
24:50And a man's hair's too long for a bicker, too.
24:52His signs are pretty badly made.
24:54Right. Now for a complete change of mood.
24:57I've heard of you, Miss Hex, but I've never had it.
25:01David Hemmings appeared by...
25:07Senores, senores y senoritas, buenas noches.
25:11Buenas noches.
25:13Esta noche presentamos con mucho gusto información interesante acerca de la liava.
25:20¡Liava!
25:23La liava es un cuatrúpado que vive en los grandes ríos de...
25:28Como es la Amazonas.
25:30¡Liava!
25:31¡Liava!
25:32¡Liava!
25:33¡Liava!
25:33¡Liava!
25:33¡Liava!
25:34¡Liava!
25:34¡Liava!
25:34¡Liava!
25:34¡Liava!
25:35¡Liava!
25:35¡Liava!
25:43¡Liava!
25:51¡Liava!
25:59Las llamas son pericolosas.
26:01Si usted ve una liava donde hay gente nadando, usted grita
26:05Cuidado, Llamas!
26:07Cuidado, cuidado, cuidado, cuidado, Llamas.
26:15Cuidado, cuidado, cuidado, Llamas, Llamas.
26:24¡Adiós!
26:44And now for something completely different.
26:46A man with a tape recorder up his nose.
27:22And now for something completely different.
27:24The office of Sir George Head.
27:28O.B.E.
27:31Next, please.
27:38Uh, one at a time, please.
27:42There is only me, sir.
27:48So there is.
27:49Uh, take a, um, seat.
27:52Seat.
27:53Seat.
27:53Take a seat.
27:54So, uh, you want to join my mountaineering expedition, do you?
28:00Me, sir?
28:00Yes.
28:01Uh, yes, I'd very much like to, sir.
28:03Joy, dear.
28:04Oh, dear.
28:05And how about you?
28:08There is only me, sir.
28:14Well, bangers, his application, then.
28:16Now, let me finish in.
28:17I'm leading this expedition, and we're going to climb both peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro.
28:22I thought there was only one peak, sir.
28:31Well, that'll save a bit of time.
28:34Well, uh, now, the object of this expedition is to see if we can find any traces of last year's
28:39expedition.
28:42Last year's expedition?
28:43Yes, my brother was leading that.
28:45They were going to build a bridge between the two peaks.
28:52My idea, I'm afraid.
28:53Now, I want to, um, I ought to tell you that I have, uh, practically everyone that I need for
28:58this expedition.
28:58So what, uh, special qualifications do you have?
29:01Uh, well, sir.
29:01Yes, you first.
29:03There is only me, sir.
29:04I wasn't talking to you.
29:05Carry on.
29:07Well, I'm a fully qualified mountaineer.
29:09Mountaineer?
29:11Mountaineer.
29:14Mount, uh, mountain.
29:18A mountaineer.
29:19Two men skilled in climbing mountaineers.
29:23Jolly good.
29:23Well, you're in.
29:24Congratulations.
29:25Both of you.
29:26Now, um, what are your names?
29:29Uh, Arthur Wilson.
29:30Arthur Wilson, right.
29:31Well, look, uh, I'll call you, uh, Arthur Wilson 1, and, uh, you Arthur Wilson 2, just to avoid confusion.
29:37Are you, uh, actually leading this expedition, sir?
29:40Yes, we are leading this expedition to Africa.
29:43And what routes will you both be taking?
29:45Good questions.
29:46Shall I?
29:46Fine.
29:48Well, uh, we'll be leaving on January the 22nd, and taking the, uh, following routes.
29:53Uh, the A23s, uh, through Purley's, down onto the main roads near Purbright's, avoiding Vela-heads,
29:59and then taking the A231s, entering Rottingdeans from the north.
30:04Um, from Rottingdeans, we go through Africa to Nairobi's.
30:06Uh, we take the south road out of Nairobi's for about, uh, 12 miles, and then ask.
30:14Does anyone speak Swahili, sir?
30:15Oh, yes, I think most of them do, down there.
30:18Does anyone in our party speak Swahili, sir?
30:20Uh, well, Matron's got a smattering.
30:22Apart from the two Matrons.
30:24Good God, I forgot about her.
30:26Apart from them, who else is coming on the expedition, sir?
30:28Uh, well, we've got the, uh, Arthur Brown twins.
30:30Uh, two botanists called Machen, the William Johnston brothers.
30:35Two of them.
30:35I know, four of them, a pair of identical twins.
30:38And a couple of the Ken Spinoza quads, the other two pulled out.
30:41And, of course, you two.
30:42And none of these are mountaineers.
30:44Well, you two are.
30:45And we've got a brace of guides called Jimmy Blenkinson,
30:47because Kilimanjaro's a pretty tricky climb, you know.
30:50Most of it's up till he reaches the very, very top,
30:53and then it tends to slope away, rather, shall we?
30:55But, uh, Jimmy's put his heads together and worked out a way up.
30:58Jimmy?
30:58Ah, I don't believe you've met.
31:00Uh, Jimmy Blenkinson, Arthur Wilson,
31:02Arthur Wilson, Jimmy Blenkinson.
31:03Arthur Wilson, two.
31:04Jimmy Blenkinson, one.
31:05Jimmy Blenkinson, Will, Arthur Wilson, two.
31:08Carry on, Jimmy.
31:08Don't worry about the, uh, we'll get him up somehow.
31:11Now, the approach to Kilimanjaro is quite simply over the fort hills,
31:14and then we go on, after that,
31:16up to set a base camp somewhere in the region of the bottom of the glacier,
31:20when, after the glacier, we'll find that one of the head
31:24and, of course, we'll have to do a rather difficult climb
31:26of the sea camp somewhere in the region of the valley of the desert.
31:43You'll be leading the first assault.
31:45Well, I'm afraid I shan't be coming on your expedition, sir,
31:47as I've absolutely no confidence in anyone involved in it.
31:53Oh, dear.
31:55Well, how about you?
31:57Well, I'm game, sir.
31:58So we.
32:03And now up for something completely different.
32:05A man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose.
32:28And now in stereo.
32:49Thank you, thank you.
32:50Have you ever considered the advantages of owning a really fine set of encyclopedias?
32:59For only attention...
33:01Louise, I told you never to call me at the office.
33:19Congratulations, sir, you've just won this lovely Kewpie doll.
33:25And get out of here and cut your panty!
33:30Morning.
33:31Ah, morning, morning, sir, morning, morning.
33:34I'll, um, be with you in a minute.
33:35Oh, fine, fine.
34:03I'll, um, be with you in a minute.
34:06How would you like it, sir?
34:07Oh, just short back and sides, please.
34:09How do you do that?
34:10Oh, just ordinary short back and sides.
34:12It's not a, um, a razor cut.
34:15Razor, razor, razor, razor, razor cut!
34:16Blood, spurred, archery, murder!
34:19Oh, thank God, thank God.
34:21It's just, uh, scissors.
34:24Yes, sir.
34:26You wouldn't rather have it just combed, would you, sir?
34:28Big partner?
34:30You wouldn't rather forget all about it?
34:31No, no, no, I want it cut.
34:33Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!
34:34Blood, spurred, archery, murder, Hitchcock, psycho, blood, damn it!
34:39Right, sir, I'll, um, uh, get everything ready.
34:43Ah, good.
34:44In the meantime, perhaps you'd fill in one of these.
34:46Oh, right, fine, yes.
34:51Excuse me.
34:52Uh, what?
34:53Uh, where it says next of kin.
34:55Shall I put mother?
34:55Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
34:58Oh, there we are.
35:04Right.
35:07Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
35:13Ha, ha, ha, ha.
35:19Ha, ha, ha.
35:38I'm finished.
35:41I'm finished cutting, cutting, cutting, cutting, cutting, cutting your hair.
35:43It's all done.
35:44You haven't started cutting it.
35:45I have.
35:46I did it very quickly, Your Honour.
35:47Sir, sir, sir, sir.
35:50Look here, old fellow.
35:51I know when a chap's cut my hair and when he hasn't.
35:53So will you please stop fooling around and get on with it?
35:55Yes.
35:56Yes, I will, sir.
35:57I'm going to cut your hair, sir.
36:00I'm going to start cutting your hair, sir.
36:03Start cutting, now.
36:07Nice day, sir.
36:08Yes, sir.
36:09Flowers can do with the drop of a hand, though.
36:11Did you see the match last night, sir?
36:13Good game, I thought.
36:14I thought Hurst played well, sir.
36:16I beg your pardon?
36:17I thought Hurst played well.
36:19Oh, yes.
36:19Anyone who did that.
36:20Can you put your head down, little sir?
36:21Oh, sorry.
36:23I prefer to watch Palace nowadays, though.
36:25Oh, sorry.
36:26Was that your ear?
36:27No, that didn't feel a thing.
36:30Hello, what's going on?
36:31I came here for hair!
36:32Yes, it did a nice spot, isn't it?
36:34It looks very nice, sir.
36:35It's exactly the same as when I first came in.
36:36Right, that's the lot.
36:37All right.
36:38All right, I confess I haven't cut your hair.
36:40I hate cutting hair.
36:42I have this terrible, uncontrollable fear whenever I see hair.
36:46When I was a kid, I used to hate the sight of hair being cut.
36:49My mother said I was a fool.
36:51She said the only way to cure it was to become a barber.
36:53so I spent five ghastly years at the hairdresser's training center at Totnes.
36:57Can you imagine what it's like cutting the same head for five years?
37:03I didn't want to be a barber anyway.
37:05I wanted to be a lumberjack.
37:08Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia.
37:12The giant redwood, the larch, the fir, the mighty Scots pine,
37:18the smell of fresh-cut timber, the crash of mighty trees.
37:23With my best girlie by my side, we'd sing, sing, sing.
37:31I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay. I sleep all night, I work all day.
37:36He's a lumberjack and he's okay. He's all night and he works all day.
37:40I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory.
37:45On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea.
37:59He's a lumberjack and he's okay. He sits all night and he works all day.
38:04I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wildflowers.
38:08I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars.
38:23He's a lumberjack and he's a lumberjack and he's okay. He sits all night and he works all day.
38:27I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspendies and abroad.
38:32I wish I'd been a girly, just like my dear mama.
38:36I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspendies and abroad.
38:42I'll be in a glade, just like my dear mama.
38:53Dear sir, I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the song which you have
38:57just broadcast about the lumberjack who wears women's clothes.
39:00Many of my best friends are lumberjacks and only a few of them are transvestites.
39:05Yours faithfully, Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong, Mrs.
39:10P.S. I have never kissed the editor of the Radio Times.
39:14Well, I object to all this sex on the television.
39:18I mean, I keep falling off.
39:31Well, I think television's killed real entertainment.
39:35In the old days, we used to make our own fun at Christmas parties.
39:39I used to strike myself on the head repeatedly with blanched instruments while crooning.
39:46Only make believe I love you.
39:53Only make believe that you love me.
39:58Oh, that was fine, please, I'm fine.
40:09Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Refreshment Room here at Bletchley.
40:14My name is Penny Lush, and I'm your compare for tonight.
40:19You know, once in a while, it is my pleasure and my privilege to welcome here at the Refreshment Room
40:25some of the truly great international artists of our time.
40:29And tonight we have one such artist.
40:32Ladies and gentlemen, someone whom I've always personally admired, perhaps more deeply, more strongly, more abjectly than ever.
40:42A man, well, more than a man, a god.
40:45A great god whose personality is so totally and utterly wonderful.
40:51My feeble words of welcome sound wretchedly and pathetically awkward.
40:57Someone whose boots I would gladly lick clean until holes wore through my tongue.
41:03A man who is so totally and utterly wonderful that I would rather be sealed in a pit of my
41:09own filth than dare tread on the same stage with him.
41:14Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparably superior human being, Harry Fink.
41:24He can't come.
41:27Never mind.
41:29It's not all it's cracked up to be.
41:31Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Ken Buda and his inflatable knees.
41:44Ken Buda, a smile, two bangs and a religion.
41:48And now, ladies and gentlemen, for your fur of entertainment, Brian Islam and Brucey.
43:01So anyway, I became a barber.
43:02Oh, poor chap.
43:04Yes, pretty really. I always preferred the outdoor life.
43:07Hunting, shooting, fishing.
43:09Getting out there with a gun, slaughtering a few of God's creatures.
43:12That was a lie.
43:14Charted about the moorland, blasting their heads off.
43:30Oh, Lord.
43:42Oh, my God.
44:01Oh, oh, oh, oh!
44:31Oh, oh, oh!
45:10I'm sorry, we don't need you this week.
45:32And now for something completely different.
45:43Would you mind terribly if I held your hand?
45:49Oh, oh, no, not at all.
45:54Oh, Iris, you're so very beautiful.
45:56Oh, oh, do you really mean that?
45:59I do, I do, I do.
46:01I think I'm beginning to fall in love with you.
46:03Oh, Victor.
46:05Silly, isn't it?
46:07Oh, no, not at all, dear sweet Victor.
46:10No, I didn't mean that, only just us being so close together
46:13for so many months in the soft toy department
46:15and yet never daring to.
46:18Oh, oh, Victor.
46:21Oh, Iris.
46:22Oh.
46:23Who can that be?
46:24Oh, well, you try and get rid of them.
46:26Yes, I will.
46:29I won't run my mouth.
46:34Hello.
46:35Hello.
46:36Remember me?
46:37Oh, no.
46:37In the pub, the tall, thin one with a moustache.
46:40Remember?
46:41About three years ago.
46:43No, I don't understand.
46:43Oh, blimey, it's dark in here.
46:45That's better.
46:46I know you said we must have a drink together sometime,
46:48so I thought I'd take you up on it
46:49as the Film Society meeting was cancelled this evening.
46:51Yes, but look, look, to be frank,
46:52it is a little awkward this evening.
46:53I'm Arthur.
46:54Arthur name, name by name, but not by nature.
46:57I always say that, then I'm Vicky boy.
46:59Really?
47:00Is that your wife?
47:00Um, no, actually, but...
47:02Oh, I'll get the picture.
47:04Eh?
47:04Well, don't worry about me, Vicky boy.
47:06I know all about one night stands.
47:07I beg your pardon.
47:09Mind if I change the record?
47:10Look, look, look, we put that on.
47:11Oh, here's a good one.
47:12I heard it in a pub.
47:13What's brown?
47:14Eh, what's brown and sounds like a bell?
47:16I beg your pardon?
47:17What's brown and sounds like a bell?
47:20Dung.
47:22Here's a good one, that one.
47:23I like that one.
47:24Here, that won't keep you long.
47:28Oh, that's better.
47:29Now, don't worry about me.
47:30I'll wait here until you're finished.
47:32What?
47:33Who the hell is that?
47:34Oh, I'll get it.
47:35It'll be friends of mine.
47:36I took the liberty of inviting them along.
47:38Look, we were happy to have a quiet evening.
47:39What about you?
47:40Oh, they won't mind.
47:41They're very broad-minded.
47:44Hello.
47:45What are you doing?
47:46What are you doing?
47:47My name is Equaitner.
47:49Oh, Brian Equaitner,
47:49right round the middle of the earth,
47:51only with an L.
47:56This is my wife, Audrey.
47:57She smells a bit,
47:58but she has a heart of gold.
48:00There must have been some kind of misunderstanding
48:02because this is number 41.
48:03Who's that then?
48:03What?
48:04Who's the bird?
48:05Hey, you've got a nice pair there,
48:07haven't you love?
48:07Come on, give us a kiss.
48:12Shut up, you silly bitches.
48:13Is there any bit of fun?
48:14No, no, look here.
48:15Big gin, please, big gin.
48:16I'll get it.
48:17No, leave those drinks alone.
48:19Three cans of beans for me, please.
48:21What?
48:21I told you to lay off the beans, you all.
48:23I want three cans.
48:25Burn your lip, you red bag.
48:31It was rather witty, wasn't it?
48:34Where's my gin?
48:36What the hell's that?
48:37Oh, I took the liberty of inviting an old friend along.
48:40As his wife has just passed away,
48:42and he's somewhat distraught, poor chap.
48:44Oh, you don't mind.
48:46Oh my God, what a simply gallus, like there.
48:49Yeah, it's not too good, is it?
48:51Uh, a pint of creme de menthe, my friend.
48:54Well, how are you, you great pup?
48:57Bit lucky?
49:00Oh, no wonder I was sitting on the cat.
49:03I brought it on as a simply gorgeous little man I picked out there.
49:07Is he sexy then?
49:11I had to bring the goat and he's not well.
49:14I only hope he don't go on the carpet.
49:17Come on then, love.
49:19Drop him.
49:23Mommy, she don't go much, do she?
49:29Oh, I'll wet him.
49:33The goat's done a bundle.
49:39Get out, all of you!
49:40Go on, get out!
49:42Get out!
49:42Sit down!
49:43I beg your pardon?
49:44I'm turning you all out.
49:45I'm not having my house filled with filthy pervert.
49:47Now, look, I'm giving just half a minute
49:48and then I'm going to call the police, so get out!
49:50I don't much like the tone of your voice.
49:55Right, let's have a ding-dong.
49:57we call esto a while!
50:00When the bells are ringing,
50:02think on brandy of the sky,
50:05It's the Queen's Angel singing
50:12Gloria, Hosanna in excelsis
50:17Cuidado liabas!