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00:00You
00:47It's...
00:48It's...
00:53Hello again, and welcome to the show.
00:57Tonight, we continue to look at some famous deaths.
01:02Tonight, we start with the wonderful death of Genghis Khan, conqueror of India.
01:09Take it away, Genghis.
01:309.1, 9.3, 9.7.
01:34That's 28.1 for Genghis Khan.
01:38Bad luck, Genghis.
01:39Nice to have you on the show.
01:41And now, here are the scores.
01:43Well, there you can see the scores now.
01:45I sense even in the lead there with his stoning.
01:48Then comes King Richard III at Bosworth Field, the Grand Death Blacks.
01:52Then the very lovely John Dark.
01:55Then Marat in his bath.
01:56Best of friends with Charlotte in the showers afterwards.
02:00Then Abe Lincoln of the U.S. of A.
02:02A grand little chap, that.
02:03And at number six, Genghis Khan.
02:05And the back marker, King Edward VII.
02:08Back to you, Bull Kang.
02:09Thank you, Eddie.
02:11And now time for this week's request death.
02:15For Mr. and Mrs. Violet Stebbings of 23 Wolverston Road Hull,
02:20the death of Mr. Bruce Foster of Guilford.
02:28It's truth!
02:31Oh, blimey, how time flies.
02:35Sadly, we are reaching the end of yet another program,
02:38and so it is finale time.
02:41We are proud to be bringing to you
02:44one of the evergreen bucket kittles.
02:47Yes, the wonderful day of the famous English Admiral Nelson.
02:53Christmas holiday!
02:57Woo!
03:08Oh, good evening everyone!
03:10And welcome to the second of our Italian language classes,
03:12in which we'll be helping you brush up your Italian.
03:15Now, last week we started at the beginning,
03:18and we learnt the Italian for a spoon.
03:21Now, I wonder how many of you can remember what it was.
03:23Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
03:25Sit down, Mario.
03:25Giuseppe.
03:26Il cucchiello.
03:27Oh, well done, Giuseppe.
03:29Or, as the Italians would say,
03:31Molto bene, Giuseppe.
03:32Grazie, signore.
03:33Grazie di tutta la sua debilità.
03:36Well now, this week, we're going to learn some useful phrases
03:39to help us open a conversation with an Italian.
03:43Now, first of all, try telling him where you come from.
03:46For example, I would say,
03:48Sono inglese di Gerrard's Cross.
03:51I am an Englishman from Gerrard's Cross.
03:53Shall we all try that together?
03:54Yeah, please.
03:56Sono inglese di Gerrard's Cross.
03:59Can't do that.
04:00Now, let's try with somebody else.
04:02Uh, Mr...
04:02Mariolini.
04:03Ah, Mr. Mariolini.
04:04And where are you from?
04:05Napoli, signore.
04:07Are you Italian?
04:08Si, si, si.
04:09Well, in that case, you would say,
04:11Sono italiano di Napoli.
04:14Ah, capisco.
04:15Mille grazie, signore.
04:16A me favore, signore.
04:17Non conessano parole, ma in te, signore.
04:19Devo mi paolo sono italiano di Napoli
04:21quando vuoi lavitare di Milano.
04:23Ah, I don't understand.
04:27Signore, my friend, he said...
04:29Bitte, mein Herr, bitte, bitte.
04:31Was...
04:32Was ist das Wort für Mittelsmurz?
04:34Oh, tell him what the German class is.
04:36Oh, danke schön.
04:38Ah, das deutschen Kassensimmer.
04:41No.
04:43My friend, he say...
04:44He say, why must I say,
04:46I am Italian from Napoli
04:47when he lives in Milan?
04:49Ah.
04:50Well, tell your friend,
04:51if he lives in Milan,
04:52he will say,
04:53Sono italiano di Milano.
04:55Ah, Milano è italiano di Napoli.
04:57Sì, che cosa?
04:58Sì, Milano è del mondo.
05:01He say,
05:01he say,
05:02Milan is better than Napoli.
05:03Napoli.
05:04Oh, well, he shouldn't be saying that.
05:05We haven't done competitors yet.
05:06No!
05:07No!
05:07No!
05:09No!
05:11No!
05:12No!
05:14No!
05:22Oh!
05:24Oh!
05:26Oh!
05:36Yes, mothers, new improved Whistlebutter containing 10% more or less is absolutely indistinguishable from a dead crab.
05:42Remember, buy Whistlebutter and go to heaven.
05:47I can't tell the difference between Whistlebutter and this dead crab.
05:51Yes, you know, we find that 9 out of 10 British housewives can't tell the difference between Whistlebutter and a
05:57dead crab.
05:59We can't! We can't! We can't!
06:02You're on television, aren't you?
06:04Yes, yes.
06:05Yes, yes, yes, yes!
06:08With those silly women who can't tell the difference between Whistlebutter and a dead crab!
06:13Yes!
06:14You try that around here, young man, and we'll slit your face!
06:17Yes!
06:18What a razor!
06:23Hello, good evening, and welcome to another edition of It's the Arts.
06:27We kick off tonight with the cinema.
06:30Good evening.
06:31One of the most prolific of film producers of this age, or indeed any age, is Sir Edward Ross.
06:38Back in this country for the first time for five years to open a season of his works at the
06:42National Film Theatre.
06:43And we are very fortunate to have him with us here in the studio this evening.
06:47Good evening.
06:48Edward, you don't mind if I call you Edward?
06:50No, not at all fine, only it does worry some people.
06:53I don't know why, perhaps a little sensitive, so I do take the precaution of asking on these occasions.
06:57No, no, no, that's fine, I forgot.
06:59Edward's all right, splendid, splendid.
07:00Sorry to have brought it up, only...
07:03No, no, Edward it is.
07:04Well, thank you very much indeed for being so helpful.
07:07Only it's more than my job's worth to go on.
07:10Quite, yes.
07:10Makes it rather difficult to establish a rapport to put the other person at their ease.
07:14Quite.
07:14Yes, it's a little point, but it does seem to matter.
07:16Still, less said the better.
07:18Um, Ted, when you first start in the...
07:22You don't mind if I call you Ted?
07:23No, no, no, no, no.
07:25Everyone calls me Ted.
07:26Well, it's shorter, isn't it?
07:27Yes, it is.
07:28Yes, and much less formal.
07:29Yes, yes.
07:29Ted Edward anything.
07:30Splendous, splendid.
07:31Uh, incidentally, do call me Tom.
07:32I don't want you playing around with any of this Thomas nonsense.
07:38Now, um...
07:38Where, where are we?
07:39Oh, yes.
07:40Eddie Baby, when you first started...
07:41I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
07:42I'm sorry.
07:42I don't like being called Eddie Baby.
07:46I'm sorry?
07:46I don't like being called Eddie Baby.
07:49Did I call you Eddie Baby?
07:50Yes, you did.
07:51I'll get on with it.
07:53Don't think I did call you Eddie Baby.
07:54I did call you Eddie Baby.
07:55Did I call him Eddie Baby?
07:57Yes!
07:58No, no, no.
07:59I didn't really call you Eddie Baby, did I, sweetie?
08:01Don't call me a sweetie!
08:03Can I call you Sugar Plum?
08:04No!
08:05Pussycat.
08:05No!
08:06Angel drawer.
08:07No, you may not.
08:08Now, get on with it, Frank.
08:09What?
08:09Can I call you Frank?
08:10Why Frank?
08:11It's a nice name.
08:13Robin Day's got a hedgehog called Frank.
08:15Now, Frank.
08:16What's going on?
08:17Franny, little Franny.
08:18Franny Nickerson.
08:19No, I'm leaving.
08:19Franny Nickerson.
08:20I'm leaving.
08:20I'm off.
08:21Um, tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward.
08:24What?
08:25Tell us about your latest film, if you'd be so kind, Sir Edward.
08:30None of this pussycat nonsense.
08:32Promise.
08:33Please, sir.
08:37My latest film?
08:38Yes, sir.
08:40Well, the idea, funnily enough, came from the idea I had when I first joined the industry
08:45in 1919.
08:46Of course, in those days, I was only a T-boy.
08:50Oh, shut up.
08:53Sir Edward.
08:55Ross.
08:55Now, later in the program, we'll be bringing you a unique event in the world of modern art.
09:00Pablo Picasso will be doing a special painting for us, on this program, live on a bicycle.
09:06This is the first time that Picasso has painted whilst cycling.
09:10But right now, it's time to look at a man whose meteoric rise to fa-
09:13a man whose o-
09:25s-
09:26s-
09:26s-
09:26s-
09:26s-
09:26s-
09:26s-
09:29s-
09:29s-
09:31Two Sheds Jackson. Mr. Jackson. Good evening. May I just sidetrack you for one moment, Mr. Jackson.
09:38This, what shall I call it, nickname of yours? Oh, yes. Two Sheds. Yes. How did you come by it?
09:45Well, I don't use it myself. It's just a few of my friends call me Two Sheds. I see. And
09:50do you,
09:50in fact, have Two Sheds? No, no. I've only one shed. I've had one for some time, but a few
09:57years
09:57ago I said I was thinking of getting another one, and since then some people have called me Two
10:01Sheds. In spite of the fact that you have only one? Yes. I see. And are you thinking of purchasing
10:07a second shed? No. To bring you in line with your epithet? No. I see, I see. Well, let's
10:13return to your symphony. Now then, did you write this symphony in the shed? No. Have you written
10:20any of your recent works in this shed of yours? No, it's just a perfectly ordinary garden
10:25shed. I see. And you're thinking of buying the second shed to write it? No, no, look,
10:32it's shed business. It doesn't really matter at all. The sheds aren't important. It's just
10:36a few friends call me Two Sheds, and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about
10:41my music. I'm a composer. People are always asking about the sheds, but they've got it
10:44out of proportion. I'm fed up with the shed. I wish I'd never got it in the first place.
10:48I expect you're probably thinking of selling one. I will sell one. Then you'd be Arthur.
10:52No sheds, Jackson. Look, forget about the sheds. They don't matter. Mr. Jackson, I think
10:56with respect, we ought to talk about your symphony. What? Apparently your symphony
11:00was written for organ and timpani. What's that? What's what? It's a shed. Get it off.
11:11All right, all right. Now then, Mr. Jackson, your symphony. I understand that you...
11:17that you used to be interested in train spotting. What? I understand that about 30 years ago,
11:23you were extremely interested in train spotting. What's that got to do with my bloody music?
11:27Are you having any trouble from him? Yes, a little. Well, we interviewers are more than a
11:31match for the likes of you, Two Sheds. Yes, make yourself scarce, Two Sheds. This studio
11:35isn't big enough for the three of us. Get your own arts program, you fairy.
11:42Arthur, Two Sheds, Jackson. Never mind.
11:46Oh, my girl, you're such a comfort. Arthur, Two Sheds. Jackson.
11:54And now for more news of the momentous artistic event when Pablo Picasso is doing a specially
11:58commissioned painting for us whilst riding a bicycle. Pablo Picasso, the founder of modern
12:03art, without doubt the greatest abstract painter ever, for the first time painting in motion.
12:09But first of all, let's have a look at the route he'll be taking.
12:12Well, Picasso will be starting David at Chichester here. He'll then cycle on the A29 to Fontwell.
12:19He'll then take the A272, which will bring him on to the A3, just north of Hindhead here.
12:25From then on, Pablo has a straight run on the A3 until he meets the South Circular at Battersea here.
12:31Well, this is a truly remarkable occasion. It's the first time that a modern artist of such stature
12:36has taken the A272. And it'll be very interesting to see how he copes with the heavy traffic
12:42around the Whisperer Green. Vicky.
12:44Oh, well, Picasso will be riding his Viking super road star with the drop handlebars and the dual
12:49thread wheel rims. And with his Wiley Pratt 20 to 1 synchromesh, he should experience difficulties
12:53on these sort of road surfaces they just don't get abroad. Mitzi.
12:56And now, for the latest report on Picasso's progress, over to Reg Moss on the Guilford Bypass.
13:01Well, there's no sign of Picasso at the moment, David, but he should be through here at any moment.
13:05However, I do have with me Mr. Ron Geppo, British Cycling Sprint Champion and this year's winner
13:10of the Derby Doncaster Rally.
13:11Well, Reg, I think Pablo should be all right, provided he doesn't attempt anything on the monumental scale
13:16of some of his earlier paintings, like Guernica or Mademoiselle Davion, or even his later War and Peace murals
13:21for the Temple of Peace Chapel at Valerai. Because with this strong Edwin, I don't think even Doug Timpson of
13:26Manchester areas could paint anything on that kind of scale.
13:29Well, thank you, Ron.
13:30Well, there still seems to be no sign of Picasso, so I'll hand you back to the studio.
13:35Well, we've just heard that Picasso is approaching the Torworth Roundabout on the A3.
13:38So come in, Sand Trench at Torworth.
13:40Well, something certainly is happening here at Torworth Roundabout, David.
13:43I can now see Picasso.
13:44He's cycling down very hard towards the roundabout.
13:46He's about 75, 50 yards away, and I can now see his painting.
13:49It's an abstract.
13:50I can see some blue, some purple, some little black oval shapes.
13:52I think I can see...
13:54That's not Picasso.
13:55That's Kandinsky.
13:56Good Lord, you're right.
13:57It's Kandinsky.
13:58Wassily Kandinsky.
13:59And who's this here with him?
14:01It's Braque.
14:01George Braque the Cubis.
14:03Painting a bird in flight over a cornfield and going very fast down the hill towards Kingstoke.
14:06And Pete Mondrian just behind.
14:08Pete Mondrian, the neoplastasist.
14:10Little Gap.
14:10Then the main bunch.
14:11Here they come.
14:12Chagall.
14:13Max Ernst.
14:13Miro.
14:14Doofy.
14:15Ben Nicholson.
14:16Jackson Pollock.
14:16And Bernard Buffet making a break on the outside here.
14:19Baguzzi's going with him.
14:20So's Chirico.
14:21Bernadette here.
14:22Delaunay.
14:22Ducoudi.
14:23Kokoschka's stopping back here behind a little bit.
14:25And so is Paul Clay dropping back a bit.
14:27And right at the back of his group, our very own Kurt Schwitters.
14:31But the Germans has yet absolutely no sign of Pablo Picasso.
14:35And so, from Tolworth Roundabout, back to the studio.
14:44Well, I think I can help you there, Sam.
14:46We're getting reports in from the AA that Picasso has fallen off.
14:49He's fallen off his bicycle on the B2127 just outside Ewhurst,
14:53trying to get a shortcut through to Dorking via Goms Lake and Pease Hall.
14:56Well, Picasso is reported to be unhurt, but the pig has a slight headache.
15:01And on that note, we must say goodnight to you.
15:04Picasso has failed in his first bid for international cycling fame.
15:07So from all of us here at the It's the Art studio, it's goodnight.
15:10Goodnight.
15:21Hold it.
15:23Sit up!
15:25Sit up!
15:28Sit up!
15:33Sit up!
15:49Sit up!
15:51What the hell?
15:51Huh?
15:54Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
15:59Oh, help me attack your body!
16:01Oh please, help me out!
16:03Ahhhh!
16:10Help me out!
16:11Oh please, help me out!
16:12Oh, help me!
16:13Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
16:15Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
16:22I'm free, I'm free, I'm free!
16:35Just check in.
16:36Just check in.
16:48Down, who you thought?
16:50Oh, I got the one for you.
16:52Oh, I'll give you all my balls.
16:53And I'll give you all my balls!
17:00No, you don't.
17:02No, you don't.
17:02No, you don't.
17:03Oh, I don't.
17:03No, no, I don't, I don't.
17:03You don't.
17:03Oh, no!
17:03Oh, no, you don't.
17:05That's great, yes, you don't.
17:07No, no, no, no.
17:07No, no, no, no.
17:16Oh, shh!
17:18Oh, shh!
17:19Somebody help, dad!
17:22Oh!
17:23Oh, oh, oh, oh!
17:25Oh!
17:43Oh, shh!
17:45Oh, shh!
17:47Oh, shh!
18:01This man is Ernest Scribbler, writer of jokes.
18:06In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world.
18:09And, as a consequence, he will die laughing.
18:36It was obvious that this joke was lethal.
18:39No one could read it and live.
19:03This morning, shortly after 11 o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibbley Road.
19:09Subtle, violent comedy.
19:11Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.
19:19I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.
19:25I shall be aided by the sound of somber music played on gramophone records,
19:30and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division.
19:36The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of me reading the joke.
19:43Oh, there goes a brave man.
20:02Whether he comes out alive or not, this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous and gallant
20:07acts in police history.
20:20It was not long before the army became interested in the military potential of the killer joke.
20:25Under top security, the joke was hurried to a meeting of allied commanders at the Ministry of War.
20:47Top brass were impressed.
20:49Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to 50 yards.
20:54Torres Soute,ato.
21:07Tests on Salisbury Plain
21:21Tests on Salisbury Plain
21:24Tests on Salisbury Plain
21:24Tests on Salisbury Plain
21:25Fantastic!
21:26All through the winter of 43, we had translators working in joke-proof conditions
21:32to try and produce a German version of the joke.
21:35They worked on one word each for greater safety.
21:39One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital.
21:43Apart from that, things went pretty quickly.
21:46And we soon had the joke by January in a form which our troops couldn't understand,
21:52but which the Germans could.
21:59So, on July the 8th, 1944, the joke was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes.
22:10Oh! Get me! Joke!
22:15Bob! Tell me! Joke!
22:17When is that no joke, get on Slottermeyer!
22:23Ja! Bayer-Hund, that's our! Die Flipperwald! Gersput!
22:54It was a fantastic success. Over 60,000 times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke.
22:59And one which he thought just couldn't match.
23:02Insbesondere!
23:03Keine mehr da in Deutschland leben wird!
23:07Wir sind des Reiches, junge Mannschaft!
23:10Eure Schule!
23:12In action, it was deadly.
23:20When is that no joke? Get on Slottermeyer!
23:23Ja!
23:24Flipperwald!
23:25Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
23:29-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
23:47German casualties were appalling.
23:51What is the big joke?
23:54I can only give you a name, Frank, and why is it you can cross the road?
23:59That's not funny!
24:01Oh!
24:02I want to know Sadio!
24:04All right.
24:06How do you make a Nazi cross?
24:10I don't know. How do you make a Nazi cross?
24:13Tread on his corn!
24:15CUT!
24:16In him out!
24:17That's not funny!
24:23Now, if you don't tell me the yuck, I shall hit you properly!
24:29I can stand physical pain, you know.
24:31Ach, you're no fun!
24:33All right, Otto!
24:36Oh, no. No, anything but that, please.
24:38He's got it.
24:39Whoa!
24:40Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
24:43All right.
24:44I'll tell you.
24:45Quick, Otto!
24:46The time right up!
25:00Ah-ha-ha.
25:01Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
25:04Ha-ha-ha-ha!
25:10That's not funny!
25:19The flipper man gets hurt!
25:29What's this?
25:29What's this?
25:30What's this?
25:37In the autumn of 1944, the Germans were working on a joke of their own.
26:01We'll let you know!
26:03Hitler gave the order, but by December, their joke was ready.
26:07And Hitler gave the order for the German V-joke to be broadcast in English.
26:12There were dry peanuts walking down the Straße.
26:16And one was assaulted.
26:19Peanuts.
26:26In 1945, peace broke out.
26:29It was the end of the joke.
26:32Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention.
26:36And in 1950, the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside.
26:43Never to be told again.