Kevin Hart - Laugh At My Pain (11) - video Dailymotion

Fyah TV Comedy

Experience the show that quickly became a national phenomenon, and get an up close and personal look at Kevin Hart back in Philly, where he began his journey to become one of the funniest comedians of all time. You will laugh 'til it hurts. #comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #kevinhart #kevinhartcomedy #kevinhartstandup #kevinhartstandupcomedy

Transcript

00:00:36We're rolling.

00:00:39Rolling what?

00:00:42We're shooting this?

00:00:44Dude, we just shot that?

00:00:46Why wouldn't you say action?

00:00:48Leslie, Tim, why do y'all gotta say action?

00:00:51I'm sitting there looking stupid.

00:00:53That's not the look I'm going for.

00:00:54Come on, this is the start of my movie.

00:00:57I'm trying to give off pain and laughter.

00:00:59Laugh in my pain.

00:01:08Laughter and pain.

00:01:09That's what I'm going for.

00:01:11That's why we're doing this shot.

00:01:13Just start the movie.

00:01:18This tour has been unbelievable.

00:01:20We're in 90 cities deep right now

00:01:22and each show has been a success.

00:01:25We're now in our last city of Los Angeles.

00:01:27Let's end it with a bang.

00:01:29We're looking at 15,000 people tonight.

00:01:30Put smiles on those people's faces.

00:01:33Give everybody the strength and ability to do what they do best

00:01:35and that's making people laugh.

00:01:36Everybody want to be famous!

00:01:37Nobody want to put the work in!

00:01:38Everybody want to be famous!

00:01:40Nobody want to put the work in!

00:01:41Everybody want to be famous!

00:01:42Nobody want to put the work in!

00:01:43Everybody want to be famous!

00:01:44Say it one more time!

00:01:45Everybody want to be famous!

00:01:46Nobody want to put the work in!

00:01:50I've been on stages all over the world, but a different stage prepared me for this moment.

00:01:57Philadelphia.

00:02:00Come home with me.

00:02:21Come home with me.

00:02:42see what I saw, and live what I've already lived.

00:02:46My life, baby, we're in the streets.

00:02:47Philadelphia, I told y'all it's real, okay?

00:02:50Y'all don't think it's real,

00:02:51I'ma show you how real it was.

00:02:52Harry, dub, you didn't believe I was a thug?

00:02:55I'm about to show you, okay?

00:02:56Watch how much shit, watch this.

00:02:58Look over there, watch these kids know me right now.

00:02:59What up, y'all?

00:03:00What up, kids?

00:03:02All right, everybody know me.

00:03:04Just turn the camera back.

00:03:05What up, baby?

00:03:07I'm home.

00:03:09Dude, I know everybody.

00:03:10Follow me.

00:03:11Oh, that's my man, Charlie.

00:03:15So, see this area here?

00:03:17See what says Ontario Street?

00:03:19This was like a big street for me.

00:03:20When I was a kid, our school bus

00:03:22used to drop us off right here on this corner.

00:03:25What up, boy?

00:03:27I'm home, man.

00:03:28Hey, Jeremy.

00:03:31Jeremy.

00:03:31Who?

00:03:32Jeremy.

00:03:33I thought you said Jerry.

00:03:34No, no, no, I didn't.

00:03:36I definitely said Jeremy.

00:03:38I said Jeremy, he reppin' the block.

00:03:39That's what he doin'.

00:03:40He's on the cell phone.

00:03:41No, no, no, he's reppin' it.

00:03:42Matter of fact, I'm about to rep this corner.

00:03:44Move, because y'all are gonna mess up my rep right now.

00:03:46This is how you rep a corner, hard, in Philly.

00:03:53I was like 15.

00:03:54I was watching Eddie Murphy come out on stage, and I remember the leather, the response to

00:04:01him being on stage, and the crowd.

00:04:03I remember seeing so many people laughing at this one person.

00:04:06I said, I want that response.

00:04:08I want that attention.

00:04:09I want that love.

00:04:09I want to make people laugh the way that this man made people laugh.

00:04:12You, you, you, you ain't, you ain't seen nothing like this.

00:04:45My best friend right here.

00:05:14I get that.

00:05:15Lawrence Howard's character was actually based off of my swim coach, Jim Ellis.

00:05:18It's a team, and so everybody gives up their individual goals, commits to one goal, and that's

00:05:27how we achieve.

00:05:28If you had to say the type of swimmer that I was, what would you say, Tristan, as a coach?

00:05:34What effort did I put forth as swimmer?

00:05:36You put 100% effort out.

00:05:38You put 100% effort out.

00:05:39Let's get the fuck out of here.

00:05:42I used to run Thursday nights at the Laugh House, which was pretty much, it was a standard

00:05:47show, but I always allow for open opportunities for new comics.

00:05:50So I'm late at night, this little short guy walks up to me, and he's like, yeah, Kevin Buck

00:05:54sent me.

00:05:54And I'm like, all right, you know, what you want me to say?

00:05:56He just introduced me as Little Kev the Bastard, and I said, that's what you want me to say?

00:06:01Like, that's the name you want me to say?

00:06:02He's like, yeah, yeah.

00:06:03His open mic night was basically amateur night, where they held competitions.

00:06:06He wanted like six weeks straight, just with his energy, with his ambition, with his aggression,

00:06:12and just coming in there week to week for a young comic with new material like Kev did.

00:06:17It was, it was, it was, it was something to see.

00:06:19Let's ride.

00:06:20Where we headed?

00:06:21Norfolk.

00:06:2195.

00:06:22This is where I started doing comedy.

00:06:24At the world famous Laugh House Comedy Club in Philadelphia, PA.

00:06:28That's me at the age, that's 2002.

00:06:33I feel like there should be a bigger wall here with my face on it now.

00:06:37So if I can have a wall built possibly here, that people can have to walk around, maybe.

00:06:44Back at the Laugh House in Philadelphia, I once saw a pass there from New York or whatever,

00:06:49see who was young on the scene was coming through.

00:06:52And I seen Little Kev, and I'm like, wow, this kid is pretty talented.

00:06:55So I said, yeah, you're pretty good, man.

00:06:57You're pretty good.

00:06:57Come, come, you know, hang out with me, young fella, I'm going to take you to New York.

00:07:01You know, to understand how to, to, to, how things work.

00:07:05We had a lot of adventures driving from Philly to New York, night after night.

00:07:09Seven days after week, nonstop.

00:07:13Back and forth, back and forth, put a lot of miles on my sweet Ford Focus.

00:07:16We left Philly at about 5 o'clock in the afternoon.

00:07:19And sometimes we leave New York like about 4 in the morning, 5 in the morning, drive back to Philly.

00:07:24Keith Robinson was the guy that basically said, hey, you're funny, but you're not talking about nothing.

00:07:30He said, you know, you're on stage and you're just, you're doing what you think people want to see, you

00:07:34know, but you, you don't have any substance.

00:07:36He said, who are you?

00:07:38And I'll never forget that when he asked me that.

00:07:39He said, who are you?

00:07:41When people leave, do they know you?

00:07:44Start with what it is that you know about yourself.

00:07:46That's your strength.

00:07:47You can't be afraid of the truth.

00:07:49You know, if it happened, talk about it.

00:07:51That is when he started to really piece together a great set because he started bringing in his personal life

00:07:57and not being afraid to use it on stage.

00:08:01People, this is where I used to live right here.

00:08:03West Theory Avenue.

00:08:05In here was just a, it was me, my brother and my mom.

00:08:07So my mom kind of made that space work for her, put us in this environment and did what she

00:08:12could.

00:08:12You know, she, she made the best of our living situation.

00:08:14She wanted me to stay away from the street.

00:08:16She didn't want me in the streets.

00:08:17So, you know, I was kind of the guy with the mom.

00:08:19I was the mama's boy coming up.

00:08:20My dad didn't live here with me.

00:08:21My dad was kicked out.

00:08:23My mom kicked my dad out when I was like four, four, four and a half.

00:08:26My dad was not allowed to go past that step right there.

00:08:30Coming up in Philly, he had to be thick skinned because he's short.

00:08:33And when you're short and, you know, target, he had to have quick response.

00:08:37So a lot of his initial comedy was snaps and retorts and coming back at people.

00:08:42Right now we're walking, we're walking my block.

00:08:45You know, this is, this is the block that I used to walk, dude, day in, day out.

00:08:49I'm here to connect with the people.

00:08:50What up with you, pimp?

00:08:51How you?

00:08:52Hey, thank you, man.

00:08:53I appreciate you.

00:08:54What's up, man?

00:08:55Oh, bye, sweetie.

00:08:56Take it easy.

00:09:01We're at my high school.

00:09:02That's right.

00:09:03This is where my education came from.

00:09:05This is where the brains, this is where books and stuff was beating to my head.

00:09:09This is where I'm the genius that I am today.

00:09:11High school is where you become a man.

00:09:13This is where I became a man.

00:09:14Talking first kiss.

00:09:15I'm talking SATs.

00:09:17I'm talking basketball.

00:09:19I'm talking football tryouts.

00:09:23You guys look at me and say, oh, Kevin probably didn't play any sports.

00:09:26Well, you're wrong.

00:09:27All you gotta do is find my name.

00:09:29Give me a second.

00:09:30Give me a second because this is the showcase of champions.

00:09:33Okay.

00:09:34I found it.

00:09:35Okay.

00:09:35In the middle of those two, that's obviously where I was.

00:09:39Because you could tell it fell.

00:09:41And somebody must have hit the glass and it came down.

00:09:43Because I remember when they put it up.

00:09:45Kev played four years of varsity basketball here at George Washington.

00:09:48You already said?

00:09:49Four years.

00:09:50Four years.

00:09:51He didn't say two.

00:09:52He didn't say one.

00:09:53That mean ninth through twelfth.

00:09:54And keep in mind, I grew.

00:09:56Right now, I'm 5'5".

00:09:57At the time, I was like 5'3".

00:10:00I knock out five jump shots right now, Jones.

00:10:02I'll get him.

00:10:03Well, we'll see.

00:10:04We'll see.

00:10:05Hit me, Jones.

00:10:06Ha!

00:10:07See that forearm right there, people?

00:10:09Foul.

00:10:10Foul.

00:10:10That definitely was a foul.

00:10:11Dave Attell, great comedian, sees me perform one day.

00:10:15He said, I'm going to have my guy call you.

00:10:17The only person I knew to talk to about this was Keith Roberts.

00:10:19I said, Keith, Dave Attell gave me his manager and he was like, he said to call him.

00:10:24So Keith's like, who is he?

00:10:25I'm like, Dave Becky.

00:10:26He said, oh, that's the real deal.

00:10:27So my job really was to get him to Dave Becky, to polish him up a little bit.

00:10:32He sent me a tape and we get tons of tapes and I think actually the only client I've ever

00:10:37signed off of the tape, ever.

00:10:38Years go by, like a year and a half goes by, he's my manager, I'm getting better.

00:10:42Dave says, Kevin, we got action, you're getting offers to get a deal.

00:10:46I'm like, well, what kind of offers?

00:10:47He said, okay, well, just don't think that this is bad, it'll get better.

00:10:53He says, first offer came in from CBS for $125,000.

00:10:56What?

00:10:59What?

00:11:0020.

00:11:01Whoa.

00:11:03Take it.

00:11:04No, no, no, you don't take that.

00:11:06That offers shit.

00:11:07What you mean that offers shit?

00:11:09I call you back.

00:11:10I call Keith.

00:11:11Hey man, I'm about to fire this guy.

00:11:13He's about to turn down $125,000.

00:11:16I don't have no fucking money, man.

00:11:18I need that.

00:11:19Like, I need that check tomorrow.

00:11:21Keith's like, stupid.

00:11:23Let the man do his job.

00:11:24Kevin has faith and he listens and, you know, part of what I do is try to protect him and

00:11:29get what he's worth.

00:11:33You know, Philadelphia is only one place where you can go to get cheesesteaks.

00:11:36Max's cheesesteaks on Broadinary.

00:11:39Nothing compares.

00:11:47See, dude, this is the love.

00:11:48Just take a look around, dude.

00:11:50You gotta pan around.

00:11:51When you stay real, you stay genuine, you get a genuine reception back.

00:11:55From there, to out here, to all in the glass.

00:11:58It's all genuine love, man.

00:11:59That's why I love my city.

00:12:01There is no place like Philadelphia.

00:12:03All right, everybody in.

00:12:04Who ordered cheesesteaks that's in here already?

00:12:06We did it right here.

00:12:07All right, y'all cheesesteaks.

00:12:08If you in here right now, y'all cheesesteaks is on me.

00:12:10I'm gonna leave enough to cover everybody and y'all tip, okay?

00:12:13Thank you very much.

00:12:14Dude, this is me in my city doing what I do.

00:12:18Giving, loving, receiving, being who I am.

00:12:22Shimmy.

00:12:27I'm out.

00:12:29I love y'all.

00:12:32Y'all tell me if you want to write to y'all later.

00:12:35I love Philadelphia!

00:12:37Go, go, go.

00:12:40As a hard worker, he can go as far as he wants.

00:12:45We're gonna make history.

00:12:46I really admire the Kat's work ethic.

00:12:49Because Kev is really, really working hard.

00:12:52Hard work.

00:12:53Like, he works very hard.

00:12:54His work ethic.

00:12:55His work ethic.

00:12:56That work ethic means everything.

00:12:58And I really believe he has that.

00:13:00It's hard to even put into words how surreal and how proud I am of him.

00:13:11This here is my mom's sister.

00:13:14As you all know, my mom passed away five years ago.

00:13:16This is one of the important hats right here.

00:13:19Willie Mae is what I call her.

00:13:22For me coming back right now, honestly, it's to say thank you for the upbringing.

00:13:28Like, that's why I come back and I say, hey, get everybody together for dinner.

00:13:32Get everybody together to be around.

00:13:34It's to literally say, I owe y'all.

00:13:37Like, I'm the man that I am today because of y'all.

00:13:42And it's not even emotional.

00:13:44And I don't want to get too sentimental, but without mom being here, this is it.

00:13:49Like, this is mom two, mom three, mom four cousin.

00:13:54And I don't see y'all.

00:13:55Y'all don't understand.

00:13:56Let it out.

00:13:57I am where I am because of y'all.

00:14:01And that's me being honest.

00:14:05Tenfold, hands over fist.

00:14:07And I mean it.

00:14:12Oh, that's a good moment.

00:14:15That's a lifetime moment right there.

00:14:17When you hear the title, Laugh in My Pain, it's real.

00:14:19It's not a joke.

00:14:20You know, it's serious.

00:14:22And the jokes that you're about to hear come from a real place.

00:14:25And in that real place, it was a hurt place, you know.

00:14:28I'm just now at a point where I'm ready for people to see that side.

00:14:32And I think they're going to enjoy that side when they see it.

00:14:51Everybody's fell in love.

00:14:53I've been on the top for a minute, so no wonder why it's cool.

00:14:56I'm the dude that they hating on.

00:14:59The only UK and haters just won't let me get to you.

00:15:03I'm so sick, I'm so ill.

00:15:05Go ahead and call your mama.

00:15:06I feel like HBO from Mexico to Oklahoma.

00:15:10My styles break ground, smoke it all like marijuana.

00:15:12I've been carving out to Amazon, starving like bananas.

00:15:16People asking questions, but I ain't the Dalai Lama.

00:15:18Although my rhymes make your mom feel like Nirvana.

00:15:22People love to hate me.

00:15:23They call me a poor Madonna.

00:15:25I can make love in eBay to make a saint out of Madonna.

00:15:28I'm just doing news, yeah.

00:15:29I'm here with a bitchy.

00:15:30I got my own niche.

00:15:31I'll let y'all be better than that.

00:15:33Make some fucking noise, Dalai.

00:15:35Yeah.

00:15:40Cut it out.

00:15:41Cut it out.

00:15:43Woo!

00:15:46God damn.

00:15:47It look good in here.

00:15:48I can't even front.

00:15:48Y'all look good.

00:15:50Give yourselves another round of applause, man.

00:15:52Y'all look fucking good.

00:15:58Now, before we get started, I feel like I gotta be honest.

00:16:00You know?

00:16:01I don't like to lie while I'm up here on stage.

00:16:03Coming out to the big applause.

00:16:04Y'all standing up.

00:16:05A piece of me likes it.

00:16:06A small piece of me likes it.

00:16:07Another piece of me doesn't.

00:16:09I'm gonna tell you why.

00:16:10Okay?

00:16:11Here's the thing.

00:16:11I feel like that's the type of shit that makes people go crazy.

00:16:14That's how you lose your mind.

00:16:14You come out.

00:16:15People standing up.

00:16:17Girls calling your name.

00:16:18Oh my God.

00:16:18No.

00:16:21Kevin.

00:16:22Oh my goodness.

00:16:22No.

00:16:25I don't like that shit.

00:16:26I'm afraid to go crazy, man.

00:16:27That's why I humble myself.

00:16:29I stay in my lane, people.

00:16:30I stay in my financial lane.

00:16:32Now, let me explain what I mean when I say this, okay?

00:16:34Here's what I mean when I say financial lane.

00:16:36Here's what happens.

00:16:37You start to make money.

00:16:38When you make money, you meet other people to make money.

00:16:41When you meet other people to make money, you wanna hang out with these people.

00:16:43But naturally, you wanna spend money the way that they spend money, but then you realize

00:16:46that you don't make the same type of money that these fucking people make, okay?

00:16:50It's very true.

00:16:51That's why you gotta stay in your lane, all right?

00:16:53Certain people I don't hang out with.

00:16:55Athletes?

00:16:55I don't hang out with athletes.

00:16:56I used to.

00:16:57I stopped.

00:16:58Let me tell you why I stopped.

00:17:00Athletes don't respect money.

00:17:01How do I know this?

00:17:02From experiences.

00:17:03This is not a joke.

00:17:04This is a true story.

00:17:06I'm in Vegas with an athlete friend of mine.

00:17:08Keep in mind, he's doing a lot better than me in life, okay?

00:17:12Naturally, I wanna keep up with him.

00:17:13So before we go out, he said, Kev, don't worry about nothing.

00:17:15I got you.

00:17:16Everything is on me.

00:17:17I said, hey, bitch.

00:17:18I'm a man.

00:17:19I'll pay for my fucking self, okay?

00:17:22So we go out.

00:17:23He get a table.

00:17:24I got a table.

00:17:25He got bottles.

00:17:27I got bottles.

00:17:28He had bitches come to the table.

00:17:30I didn't have no bitches.

00:17:31I had my aunt.

00:17:32My aunt was with me.

00:17:33I'm not gonna call my aunt no bitch.

00:17:34I love her too much.

00:17:36But regardless, we're having a good time, okay?

00:17:39Now, I'm not gonna lie.

00:17:40I got the bill.

00:17:41I didn't like it.

00:17:42You ever get a bill so high you try to put it in the light like it's gonna change?

00:17:48Hold up.

00:17:49Wait a minute.

00:17:49Hold on.

00:17:50Okay.

00:17:51But I said, I can't bitch about the bill.

00:17:53The reason why I can't bitch about the bill, because he didn't bitch about the bill.

00:17:55So I said, you know what?

00:17:56I started talking to myself.

00:17:57I said, Kev, just pay the bill.

00:17:59Pay it.

00:18:00So that's what I did.

00:18:00I paid the bill.

00:18:01I go to my room.

00:18:02I go to sleep.

00:18:02Here's why I don't mess with athletes.

00:18:04Next morning, I wake up.

00:18:05My boy that I was with, he called me.

00:18:07He said, Kev, yo, last night was crazy, wasn't it?

00:18:09I said, man, I had a ball.

00:18:11He said, well, guess what?

00:18:12We're gonna do the same shit again tonight.

00:18:16I said, I'm not gonna do it.

00:18:17I can't do it two nights in a row, because the way that my bank account is set up.

00:18:22You ever start explaining your financial situation for no reason at all?

00:18:29I said, I would, but the way my bank account is set up.

00:18:31The thing is, I got a check-in in the savings, but all the money is in my savings.

00:18:35So I got to switch it to my check-in, but it's gonna take three business days.

00:18:38I don't think it's gonna go through.

00:18:42I don't think it's gonna go through.

00:18:44Athletes will mess your life up, man.

00:18:46They will.

00:18:47I'm telling you, I know this from experience, okay?

00:18:49Dwayne Wade, that's a good friend of mine.

00:18:51I love Dwayne to death.

00:18:52Here's the thing.

00:18:53I can't hang out with Dwayne no more.

00:18:55I'll tell you why.

00:18:56Dwayne tried to fuck my life up.

00:18:58He did.

00:18:59Dwayne tried to make me buy a boat.

00:19:01I don't even have a fucking house.

00:19:03I said, hey, man.

00:19:05I said, I don't think this is a good investment.

00:19:06He said, stop being a bitch.

00:19:07You got it.

00:19:08Ball out.

00:19:09I said, no, no, no.

00:19:10I would, but here's the thing.

00:19:11The way my bank account is set up, the thing is,

00:19:14I gotta check in the savings, but all the money is in my savings,

00:19:17so I gotta switch it.

00:19:18It's gonna take too long.

00:19:19The boat might not be there when I get back.

00:19:24You can't hang out with everybody.

00:19:26I'll be honest, another problem of mine, I got too many financial fears.

00:19:30I get scared fast.

00:19:31I'll tell you my biggest fear when it comes to finances.

00:19:33My biggest fear is my credit card getting declined in front of people.

00:19:38I'm gonna tell you why.

00:19:39Here's the thing.

00:19:40It's not that I'm scared of my card getting declined.

00:19:42I just don't like it when you announce it.

00:19:44Like, bitch, tell me.

00:19:46It's my card.

00:19:47Don't put it on the show.

00:19:49Don't come out like, Mr. Hart, uh-uh, didn't go through.

00:19:52I tried it three times.

00:19:53I even wiped it on my pants.

00:19:55Bitch, give me the card.

00:19:56Don't say all that.

00:19:58They don't need to know what you tried to do to make it happen.

00:20:00Give me the goddamn card if I punch you in the fucking throat, lady.

00:20:03I'm not gonna do this.

00:20:04That's too much.

00:20:06Too much.

00:20:07I remember one time I got scared because I thought my card wasn't gonna go through,

00:20:10so I cut the waitress off before she even said anything.

00:20:13Mr. Hart, ah!

00:20:14Come here.

00:20:15Let me talk to you.

00:20:16No, come on this side.

00:20:17Let me tell you something.

00:20:19Listen, the way my bank account is set up, the thing is, I got a check-in and the savings,

00:20:23but all the money is in my savings, so I don't think it's gonna go through.

00:20:26Just give me a second.

00:20:29You can't hang with everybody, man.

00:20:32Like right now, we star-studded tonight.

00:20:34Celebrities all over the place.

00:20:35I don't fuck with y'all no more.

00:20:36I used to.

00:20:37Stop.

00:20:37I don't hang with celebrities no more.

00:20:38I'm gonna be honest with you.

00:20:39Celebrities will mess up your life, too.

00:20:41Celebrities give you reality checks.

00:20:43How do I know this?

00:20:44From experience, people.

00:20:46Makai Pfeiffer, another good friend of mine, love Makai to death, okay?

00:20:49This is when I knew I wasn't making real money.

00:20:51Makai calls me.

00:20:52He says, yo, Kev, hey, my son's birthday party is Saturday.

00:20:56You're a daughter of the same age.

00:20:58I want you to come to the party.

00:20:59I said, okay, well, where's the party at?

00:21:01He said, Disneyland.

00:21:02I said, done deal.

00:21:03I'm near.

00:21:04I get to Disneyland.

00:21:05Him and his son are out front.

00:21:06They holding hands.

00:21:07I don't see nobody else at the park.

00:21:12I said, hey, I thought you said that it was a birthday party.

00:21:18I don't see nobody else at the park.

00:21:20What's going on?

00:21:21He said, no, no, dude.

00:21:22He said, here's the thing.

00:21:22It's just us.

00:21:23I bought the park out for like eight hours.

00:21:25We got it to ourselves.

00:21:31I said, wait a minute.

00:21:33Okay, what the fuck you mean you bought the park out for eight hours?

00:21:36He said, it's just us.

00:21:38We can do what we want.

00:21:39I said, okay, real quick before I go in, did you pay for this already or are you looking for

00:21:44help?

00:21:44Because I'm not, I'm not in a position where I can help you because the weight of my bank account

00:21:49is set up.

00:21:49The thing is, I got a check in the savings, but all my money is in the savings.

00:21:53I don't think my card is going to go through unless you got jeans on because you got to wipe

00:21:56it off.

00:22:00You can't hang with everybody, man.

00:22:02Stay in your lane.

00:22:03Stay in your financial lane.

00:22:06Now, I'm not going to lie.

00:22:07We went in the park.

00:22:08I ain't going to lie to you.

00:22:09Me and my daughter, we had a great time.

00:22:10We got on rides five or six times in a row.

00:22:12Now, there was a point in time when we was in the park where I lost my daughter.

00:22:15I didn't know where she was, but I didn't panic when I lost her.

00:22:18The reason why is because we were the only ones in the park.

00:22:20I knew eventually I would run into her again.

00:22:23So, I took that time to get on rides that she couldn't get on because she's only five, so she

00:22:27can't do everything.

00:22:28When I saw her, she was crying.

00:22:30I was like, come on, don't be a bitch.

00:22:31Like, don't act like that.

00:22:33That's what I said.

00:22:34I said that.

00:22:35It's not your birthday.

00:22:36Today's not about you.

00:22:38Stop bitching.

00:22:38Let's get on some more rides.

00:22:39Let's go.

00:22:41We got on some more rides.

00:22:42We had a good time.

00:22:43We left.

00:22:44I said, baby, did you have a good time?

00:22:45She said, Dad, I had so much fun.

00:22:47I said, good.

00:22:47I had fun, too.

00:22:49Now, here's when reality hit.

00:22:51Let's fast forward three months later.

00:22:53Three months later, it's my daughter's birthday.

00:22:54Okay?

00:22:55I throw my daughter a party at the house in the backyard like a normal fucking parent.

00:23:00Okay?

00:23:01But don't get me wrong.

00:23:02I tried to go above and beyond.

00:23:04I really did.

00:23:04I had SpongeBob there, which is a big deal.

00:23:07I had a pony.

00:23:09Kids could get on the pony, walk around the yard one time, and get off.

00:23:14I had a bouncer, kids getting a bouncer, jump around.

00:23:16Like, shit was nice.

00:23:17It was going good.

00:23:18Here's why I got bad.

00:23:19Me and SpongeBob got into it.

00:23:21I got mad at SpongeBob because he kept taking his helmet off, and he was smoking cigarettes

00:23:26in front of the kids.

00:23:27And I was like, SpongeBob, you know, don't take your helmet off.

00:23:30Don't smoke no cigarettes in front of the fucking kids.

00:23:32Okay?

00:23:32My kids think that you're really SpongeBob.

00:23:35SpongeBob on TV.

00:23:36Don't take his face off and show a black ass face underneath it and start smoking fucking

00:23:40cigarettes.

00:23:41Who the hell makes you think that you can?

00:23:42Now, when I get mad, I get physical.

00:23:45I get hype.

00:23:45So I said, put the motherfucking helmet on and put the goddamn cigarettes up, man.

00:23:49You'll be smoking those cigarettes out here in front of the fucking kids.

00:23:52Put the goddamn helmet on and put the fucking cigarettes up for shit getting real out here.

00:23:56I was going off.

00:23:58Shit was real.

00:24:00Here's the thing that made it bad.

00:24:01Nobody told me that SpongeBob was fresh out.

00:24:04This nigga was fresh out of jail.

00:24:07Here's how I found out.

00:24:08He snapped on me.

00:24:09He said, hey, man, shut the fuck up.

00:24:10Fuck you and these ugly ass kids.

00:24:13I said, well, goddamn.

00:24:14He said, I just got out of jail for aggravated assault.

00:24:17I'm here to get a check.

00:24:18Once I get my check, I'm out.

00:24:20I'm going to fuck about these kids.

00:24:21I'm such a bitch.

00:24:23When I heard jail, my whole attitude,

00:24:26change.

00:24:27As soon as I heard jail, this is what I said.

00:24:29I said, no, you're not listening.

00:24:31No, I don't.

00:24:32I'm not saying that you can't smoke.

00:24:34You can smoke.

00:24:35I'm saying just don't blow it in they face.

00:24:37That's all I'm saying.

00:24:39Blow it up.

00:24:40Give them a chance to not have cancer is what I'm saying.

00:24:44I get it.

00:24:44You stressed out.

00:24:45You want to smoke?

00:24:46Shit.

00:24:46Give me one.

00:24:47I'll smoke it with you.

00:24:47I don't give a fuck about these kids.

00:24:49I was so scared of SpongeBob.

00:24:52You know why?

00:24:53Here's the thing.

00:24:53I didn't like the way SpongeBob was playing with the kids.

00:24:57Understand something, people?

00:24:58If you get a character to be at a kid's birthday party, you want to see that character be that

00:25:03character.

00:25:04Okay?

00:25:05If I get Barney to be at my kid's party, I want to see Barney do some Barney shit.

00:25:09Slide around.

00:25:10You know?

00:25:10Hug the kids.

00:25:11Sing a song.

00:25:12Do the faces.

00:25:13Make it look real.

00:25:15If I get Spider-Man, do some Spider-Man shit.

00:25:17Jump down the steps.

00:25:19Do this shit in my son's face.

00:25:23Don't nothing got to come out.

00:25:24Just scare the shit out of him.

00:25:25Make him think it's real.

00:25:28SpongeBob didn't do shit.

00:25:29Let me show you all how SpongeBob was playing with the kids.

00:25:32I look out the backyard window.

00:25:33I just want to check on the kids, right?

00:25:34I make sure everything's okay.

00:25:36I swear to you, I cannot make this up.

00:25:37This is how SpongeBob was running after the kids.

00:25:40This is all I saw.

00:25:45Go, little bitch.

00:25:46Go, little bitch.

00:25:46Go.

00:25:48Go.

00:25:48Hey, bitch.

00:25:48You better, bitch.

00:25:49Run.

00:25:50He was calling the kids bitches.

00:25:51Come on, SpongeBob.

00:25:53He wasn't playing none of the games right.

00:25:55He was playing duck, duck, nigga with the kids.

00:25:59He never said goose.

00:26:01He never said the word goose.

00:26:03Duck.

00:26:04Duck.

00:26:05Duck.

00:26:06Nigga.

00:26:07Go.

00:26:08This little white boy was like, no, no.

00:26:10I'm not going to do it.

00:26:11I'm not going to run.

00:26:12No, no.

00:26:13Because if I run, everybody's going to look at me like I said it.

00:26:15And I didn't say it.

00:26:16I don't.

00:26:17I'm not going to take responsibility.

00:26:18No.

00:26:19I didn't say it.

00:26:21That party was bad.

00:26:23I'll tell you what else was bad at the party.

00:26:25The bouncer.

00:26:26I don't recommend anybody ever get a bouncer at a kid's birthday party.

00:26:29I'll tell you why.

00:26:30Me, personally, I don't think it's safe.

00:26:32I really don't.

00:26:32The reason why, here's why I don't think it's safe.

00:26:35If a kid falls in a bouncer, no other kid gives a shit.

00:26:38Like, nothing stops.

00:26:41Kids don't care.

00:26:42Like, literally, this little girl fell in a bouncer.

00:26:44I swear to y'all, I saw every boy in there step on this girl's face.

00:26:47Because, you know, when kids be hype on that cake, they're like, ah, ah, ah.

00:26:50This little boy was like, ah, ah, ah, ah.

00:26:53The little girl started crying.

00:26:54She's like, no.

00:26:55Ah.

00:26:56But she was looking right at me.

00:26:57I said, you better roll out.

00:26:59Roll out.

00:27:01I'm the same size as you.

00:27:02I'm not getting in there.

00:27:03I'm going to get exactly what you got.

00:27:05I got little legs.

00:27:06I can't walk in that shit.

00:27:07You ever try to walk in a bouncer?

00:27:09Hey!

00:27:10Hey!

00:27:11Hey!

00:27:13Y'all better stop.

00:27:13Hey!

00:27:14Let the motherfucker jump again.

00:27:15I swear to God.

00:27:16If I fall, I'm going to punch a kid in the face.

00:27:19You look like Bambi walking in that shit.

00:27:24Party was bad, man.

00:27:25I felt bad.

00:27:26I said, I messed up my daughter's day.

00:27:29She just turned five.

00:27:30That's a big birthday for kids.

00:27:32Now, why did I feel bad?

00:27:33I got into an argument with SpongeBob in front of her friends.

00:27:36Little girl got carried out in the ambulance.

00:27:38Footprints and shit were on her face.

00:27:40I said, you know what?

00:27:40I got to do something nice.

00:27:41I got to make it up to her.

00:27:42I said, you know what I'm going to do?

00:27:43I'm going to give my baby a puppy.

00:27:44My baby was asking me for a puppy for the longest time.

00:27:46I never got her one.

00:27:47The reason why?

00:27:48I'm afraid of dogs.

00:27:49I don't like dogs.

00:27:50I'm not going to lie to y'all.

00:27:51But I said, I can't deprive my daughter of a childhood experience because of my fears.

00:27:55So, I called my friend.

00:27:56My friend breeds pit bulls.

00:27:57Now, keep in mind, before you say anything, at the time, I did not know what these dogs

00:28:01were capable of.

00:28:02So, I said, hey man, my daughter wants a puppy.

00:28:05Let her come over and pick out a puppy.

00:28:06He said, cool.

00:28:07My daughter gets there.

00:28:08He comes downstairs with a little puppy pit.

00:28:10Little dog in his hand.

00:28:11My daughter sees it.

00:28:12She goes off because she's emotional.

00:28:14Everything is always over the top.

00:28:15She saw the dog.

00:28:16She was like, ugh.

00:28:17She said, Dad, I just want to love it with all my heart.

00:28:20I said, okay.

00:28:21Come here.

00:28:21Sit down.

00:28:22In here talking like you ain't going with the wind.

00:28:24Sit the fuck down.

00:28:26I said, baby, you want the puppy?

00:28:27Daddy going to get you the puppy.

00:28:28Reason why?

00:28:29Because I held the puppy.

00:28:30Let me tell you how stupid I am.

00:28:32Reason why I bought the dog is because the dog smelt my palm.

00:28:34And he licked it.

00:28:35So, in my mind, he familiarized himself with me.

00:28:38He knew me.

00:28:39He was my friend.

00:28:40He's never going to attack me because he smelt my palm.

00:28:42He knows how I smell.

00:28:44I'm safe forever.

00:28:45That's how I think.

00:28:46Now, I bought the dog when he was this big.

00:28:48I left for three months.

00:28:49I came back to the house.

00:28:50I swear to God, a dog was the same size as me.

00:28:51I've never seen a dog grow this fast.

00:28:52Like, do you know how scary it is to live with a dog that you're afraid of?

00:28:57I got to announce myself in every room I go in in my house.

00:29:01Hey!

00:29:03Is he in here?

00:29:05Hey, smell my palm.

00:29:07Remember?

00:29:07You remember that day when you were a baby?

00:29:09I just want to love you with all my heart.

00:29:11Remember when I said that?

00:29:12I can't even get a dog orders.

00:29:14Like, I've been trying to tell a dog what to do.

00:29:15I start bitching out.

00:29:16I give him options.

00:29:18Everything starts off tough, though.

00:29:19Everything starts off tough.

00:29:20Hey!

00:29:21The fuck off the couch!

00:29:23Or, come here.

00:29:24Let me show you something else.

00:29:25Come here.

00:29:26You want to sit right there?

00:29:27Smell my palm.

00:29:28Remember?

00:29:29I just want to love you with all my heart.

00:29:32I'm going to tell you something about me, though.

00:29:34Here's why I put myself in these situations, okay?

00:29:36I try to go above and beyond for my kids.

00:29:38The reason why, I don't want to make the same mistakes that my dad made.

00:29:41My dad did a lot of dumb shit when I was a kid.

00:29:43The reason why, my dad was on drugs.

00:29:45I have no problem with being honest.

00:29:47It's the truth.

00:29:47Now, when I say drugs, people, I'm not talking about the soft stuff.

00:29:50I'm talking about cocaine.

00:29:52That's right.

00:29:53Smack.

00:29:54Booker sugar.

00:29:55White girl.

00:29:56Got tons of names for it.

00:29:57Now, when you first hear it, you're like, what?

00:29:59Your dad was on drugs?

00:30:00That's crazy.

00:30:01It's not that bad.

00:30:02I'm going to tell you why.

00:30:03There's pros and cons to growing up with a coke kid.

00:30:07One of the pros is, there's no such thing as a bad idea to a coke kid.

00:30:12Everything is a shit.

00:30:13That's why coke kids always dance.

00:30:14You ever notice that?

00:30:15No matter what you say to a coke kid.

00:30:19All coke kids hula hoop.

00:30:20I don't know why.

00:30:23Now, one of the cons, one of the cons is, when you get high, you do dumb shit.

00:30:28I'm going to tell you why I'm afraid of dogs, all right?

00:30:30My dad, when I was a kid, just like my daughter, I wanted a puppy.

00:30:33My dad never got me a puppy.

00:30:35One day, my dad got high as shit.

00:30:36He came home.

00:30:37He said, look, boy, you've been asking me about this damn puppy.

00:30:39I went out.

00:30:40I bought you a puppy.

00:30:40I'm a kid, so I'm excited.

00:30:42I was like, where's it at?

00:30:43He said, it's on the porch.

00:30:44I go run out on the porch.

00:30:45It was a full grown German Shepherd walking back and forth.

00:30:49This nigga stole a police dog, okay?

00:30:52I know it was a police dog because he had canine on his vest.

00:30:55I saw it.

00:30:57At least take the vest off the dog, Dad.

00:30:59The dog is still on goddamn duty.

00:31:00He didn't even let the dog finish the job.

00:31:03Drugs make you do dumb shit, man.

00:31:05Stupidest thing my dad ever did when he was on drugs, right?

00:31:07When I was a kid, I remember my dad came to parent-teacher conference.

00:31:10That's where you go to your kid's school, talk to your teacher, see how they're doing

00:31:13in school.

00:31:14My dad shows up with sweatpants on with no drawers.

00:31:19This nigga dick was all over the place, okay?

00:31:21Listen, I cannot make this up.

00:31:23Let me show you all how my dad walked into my school.

00:31:25This is all I saw.

00:31:26Hey!

00:31:29Hey!

00:31:31Hey!

00:31:34Hey!

00:31:36Hey!

00:31:38Hey!

00:31:39Every time he stopped, his dick kept moving.

00:31:40Excuse me!

00:31:42Hey!

00:31:44Hey!

00:31:45Hey!

00:31:49Hey!

00:31:51Hey!

00:31:52Hey!

00:31:55Don't nobody with a long dick!

00:31:56Hey!

00:31:57Dad, don't!

00:31:58Don't say that!

00:31:59You gonna learn today!

00:32:01You gonna learn what a long dick look like today!!'

00:32:04No!

00:32:04Dad,

00:32:05you don't need to learn that. Please!

00:32:09Yo,

00:32:10my dad was crazy! My dad

00:32:12was really crazy man... See my

00:32:14dad'm mad at me cause I wasn't an athlete. I didn't

00:32:17play sports. I was in

00:32:18a weird shit like spelling bees, debates, and here's a thing.

00:32:21My dad would show up at my events and treat them as if they were athletic events.

00:32:26First of all, you can't cheer for no kid in a spelling bee.

00:32:28It's a spelling bee. It's quiet. I'm focused.

00:32:31I'm in the middle of spelling a very difficult word.

00:32:33My dad shows up late, busts through the back door, high as hell, making cocared noises, all right?

00:32:38Once again, I cannot make this up, all right?

00:32:40This is all I heard. I'm in the middle of spelling some shit.

00:32:43Out of nowhere, all I heard was, all right, all right, all right.

00:32:49Yeah.

00:32:51My son's spelling the shit out of these motherfucking words.

00:32:55In your face, bitch. In your face.

00:32:58All right, all right, all right.

00:33:02Shit that made me laugh the most, you see how y'all sitting next to people?

00:33:05I told you my dad never wore drawers, ever.

00:33:09This is my dad getting to his seat. This is all I saw.

00:33:11Excuse me.

00:33:20I can hear people like, oh, God, Jesus, oh.

00:33:24What is it? I don't know. I don't know what it is.

00:33:26Whatever it is, it's loose. It's all over the place.

00:33:29It's got to be a penis. I don't know what else it could be.

00:33:32My dad got mad. There ain't no penis. That's a long dick.

00:33:35Hey, dad.

00:33:36Don't say that.

00:33:37All right, all right, all right.

00:33:40You're going to learn today. You're going to learn what a long dick look like today.

00:33:45Hey, son, let me hear you spell long dick.

00:33:48No, dad, I can't. It's against the rules.

00:33:51L-O dick.

00:33:53No, dad.

00:33:54All right, all right, all right.

00:33:57This nigga had the dog with him.

00:33:59No, dad, the dog is on drugs, too.

00:34:02Dad, please.

00:34:04My goal is at the end of the show is to have all y'all saying that shit for no

00:34:08reason at all.

00:34:09For no reason at all.

00:34:11Next time your lady say something to you, just cut her off.

00:34:13It don't matter what she say.

00:34:14Hey, babe, shut up, bitch.

00:34:16All right, all right, all right.

00:34:19I'll make you suck on this long dick.

00:34:22You're going to learn today.

00:34:24You're going to learn today.

00:34:26All right, all right, all right.

00:34:31You got to do the walk when you do it.

00:34:32Do the walk away.

00:34:33All right, all right, all right.

00:34:39You got to do the Bible here.

00:34:40All right, all right, all right.

00:34:41Shut up, bitch.

00:34:43You're going to learn today.

00:34:47My dad did a lot of stupid shit, man.

00:34:50See, here's the thing.

00:34:51I'm so happy that I was young when my dad was on drugs.

00:34:54The reason why I say that is because when you're young, you're naive.

00:34:57I didn't want to believe it.

00:34:58Everybody else knew my dad was on drugs except me.

00:35:00I never want to fucking believe it.

00:35:01People would tease me.

00:35:02I would just get emotional.

00:35:03I would get mad fast.

00:35:05The person that teased me the most was my own brother.

00:35:07He would always talk shit.

00:35:09Kev, dad ain't never coming home because dad is on that shit, man.

00:35:14You better shut up.

00:35:15You don't know what you're talking about.

00:35:16Dad went back to college.

00:35:17You don't even know.

00:35:19You don't even know where he is.

00:35:20He's in college.

00:35:23My message to y'all is don't ignore the signs, okay?

00:35:26If you think somebody in your family is on drugs, do not ignore the signs.

00:35:30Don't make the same mistake I did.

00:35:32I'll never forget this shit.

00:35:33It was my birthday.

00:35:34My grandma gave me a birthday card.

00:35:36I opened it up.

00:35:37$20 fell out.

00:35:38When the $20 fell out, my dad stepped on it.

00:35:48I'm waiting for the joke to be over.

00:35:50This nigga trying to slide out.

00:35:51All right, all right.

00:35:52Hey, give me the goddamn $20, dad.

00:35:55I saw you step on the shit.

00:35:59That's my dad, though.

00:36:02The person that had no patience for this was my mom.

00:36:04My mom had no patience at all.

00:36:06My mom found out my dad was on drugs.

00:36:08She got mad.

00:36:08Snapped on him.

00:36:09Went off.

00:36:10My dad came home.

00:36:12She kicked my dad out the house.

00:36:13Says, you know what?

00:36:14That's it.

00:36:15Sick of this shit.

00:36:16Not going to live in my house and be on no damn drugs.

00:36:18You hear me?

00:36:19That's it.

00:36:19You're not welcome here.

00:36:20Don't come back to this house.

00:36:22You can come by.

00:36:23You can say hi to the kids.

00:36:24But don't bring your ass past the second step on the stoop.

00:36:27You hear me?

00:36:28Don't come past the second goddamn step on the stoop.

00:36:31My mom turned my dad into the definition of a true stepdad.

00:36:34Like, when I say my dad cannot come past the second step, I'm not bullshitting.

00:36:40But what made me laugh is he would still be tough about it.

00:36:43Like, he'd come get us, but he'll talk shit.

00:36:44He's like, hey, Nance.

00:36:46Tell the boys I'm here.

00:36:47Tell them to come outside.

00:36:48My mom got mad.

00:36:50She was like, don't you bring your ass past the second step.

00:36:52Bitch, anybody come past the goddamn second step.

00:36:57Shit made me laugh.

00:36:58No matter how mad he got, his legs never moved.

00:37:01Bitch, everybody come past the goddamn second step, bitch.

00:37:08This nigga did the hula hoop for no reason.

00:37:12Dad, why are you hula hooping?

00:37:14It's too much, Dad.

00:37:15That's too much.

00:37:18That's my dad, though.

00:37:20My dad almost killed me one time.

00:37:22When I was younger, I couldn't swim.

00:37:25I didn't know how.

00:37:26My dad didn't believe me.

00:37:27This nigga argued me down.

00:37:29We had a pool.

00:37:30I'm sitting on the side of the pool.

00:37:31I got my feet in the water.

00:37:34I'm playing.

00:37:35Having a good time.

00:37:36My dad said, boy, you better stop playing.

00:37:38Get in that water and swim.

00:37:39I said, Dad, I can't.

00:37:40I don't know how to swim.

00:37:41He said, you know how to fucking swim.

00:37:42Get in that goddamn water and swim.

00:37:44I said, no, Dad, I'm serious.

00:37:45Nobody ever told me how to swim.

00:37:46My dad picked me up, grabbed me, threw me at seven feet.

00:37:49As soon as I hit the water, I started to die immediately.

00:37:57This is what my dad's an asshole.

00:37:58This is what my dad said.

00:37:59Hey, you better not fucking drown.

00:38:01I said, what?

00:38:03I don't know how to stop it.

00:38:07When I tell you that was the most uncomfortable ride home I've ever had with my dad in my life,

00:38:10keep in mind I almost died.

00:38:12Whenever you come close to death, you become traumatized.

00:38:15Hard to get that shit out your head.

00:38:16I kept having flashbacks.

00:38:18We in a car, we driving home, I'm looking out the passenger window.

00:38:22I kept replaying that shit over and over again.

00:38:24I was like, no, no, no.

00:38:28Don't let me go, Dad.

00:38:29Don't let me go.

00:38:30Every once in a while, I would look at him.

00:38:32Why don't you believe me?

00:38:33I told you I couldn't.

00:38:34I don't know why.

00:38:35Don't make me laugh right now.

00:38:37This is exactly what my dad said to me.

00:38:38This is how my dad tried to make me feel better.

00:38:40This is exactly what he said.

00:38:40Look, don't make me laugh.

00:38:42This is exactly what he did.

00:38:43He was driving, right?

00:38:44He said,

00:39:01I almost lost you today, didn't I?

00:39:03What?

00:39:05What the fuck does that mean, man?

00:39:10It's my dad, though.

00:39:12Now, I know when you guys hear all the stuff you hear,

00:39:14you guys are like, wow, Kevin, that's messed up.

00:39:16It probably doesn't get any worse than that.

00:39:17Well, you're wrong.

00:39:18It does.

00:39:20Let me tell you the worst person in my family.

00:39:21The worst person in my family is my cousin Al.

00:39:23I'll tell you why.

00:39:24My cousin Al was on drugs, too.

00:39:26But unlike my dad, Al found Jesus.

00:39:29See, but Al's one of those people that found Jesus.

00:39:32And now that he found Jesus, he tries to throw Jesus on everybody.

00:39:35You ever meet somebody like that?

00:39:36For no reason or not, they throw religion at you.

00:39:38You did nothing to deserve this conversation.

00:39:39No matter what you say, they bring up religion.

00:39:42Hey, good morning, Al.

00:39:43It is a good morning because Jesus woke us up.

00:39:46Hello.

00:39:46Boom.

00:39:47I love him.

00:39:48Do you?

00:39:48What?

00:39:50What the fuck does that have to do with anything, man?

00:39:52I'm trying to play basketball.

00:39:54This ain't got shit to do with nothing.

00:39:57Al got mad at me because I live in L.A.

00:40:00He said, Kevin, you out here in Hollywood doing God knows what?

00:40:05Sex?

00:40:06Drugs?

00:40:07Money?

00:40:08Lord knows what you're into.

00:40:10You need to get a relationship with God.

00:40:11I said, dude, don't talk to me about God.

00:40:12I'm fine.

00:40:13Okay?

00:40:13You the one who's on drugs.

00:40:14You get a relationship with God.

00:40:16He got mad.

00:40:16Now, any time he get mad, he already got to bring up some dark shit from his past that

00:40:20nobody needs to know.

00:40:21Out of nowhere, he said, Kevin, let me tell you something.

00:40:23I know I was on drugs, but I found Jesus.

00:40:26Granted, I didn't know him when I was out there sucking dick for money, but I'll tell you

00:40:30something.

00:40:30I said, wait a minute.

00:40:32Wait a minute.

00:40:35Wait, first of all, you're not going to speed past that like you didn't just say what

00:40:38you just said.

00:40:40I said, when was this?

00:40:41What year was this?

00:40:42He said, it was in the 80s.

00:40:44Everybody was doing it.

00:40:46This is shit that pissed me off.

00:40:47He said, your dad was back there with me.

00:40:49I said, what?

00:40:51My dad was like, all right, all right, all right.

00:40:55Hey, you going to learn today?

00:40:58No, the fuck I'm not.

00:41:00You going to keep that lesson to yourself.

00:41:03I told my dad to go get one cup and put your name on it.

00:41:06That is your cup.

00:41:08You ain't going to drink out another goddamn glass in this house.

00:41:10That's it for you.

00:41:15Ow.

00:41:17Ow was a different ball game, man.

00:41:19Ow single-handedly destroyed my mom's funeral.

00:41:23Ow.

00:41:24Here's the thing.

00:41:24My mom, first of all, I'm going to be honest with y'all.

00:41:26My mom passed away five years ago, okay?

00:41:28Now, my mom died from cancer.

00:41:30At the time, was it difficult?

00:41:32Yes.

00:41:33But me and my brother, we got through it.

00:41:34We knew it was coming, so we prepped ourselves.

00:41:36We're at the funeral.

00:41:37Funeral's almost over.

00:41:38Pastor gets up.

00:41:39He says, would anybody like to say any words on Nancy's behalf?

00:41:43It's quiet.

00:41:44Nobody says nothing.

00:41:45All of a sudden, my cousin Ow gets up.

00:41:47He said, I got something.

00:41:48I don't need to say.

00:41:49You can hear everybody in my family suck their teeth.

00:41:51Shit.

00:41:52God damn it.

00:41:53Shit.

00:41:54I cannot make this up.

00:41:56This is the speech that my cousin gave at my mom's funeral.

00:41:59Word for word.

00:42:00He comes to the podium.

00:42:01He said, before I say anything, I just want to start off by saying, God is good all the time.

00:42:20Now, when people say that in return, you're supposed to say, and all the time, God is good.

00:42:26Look, nobody said nothing.

00:42:27Listen, look, when I say it again, just be quiet.

00:42:30Don't nobody say shit.

00:42:32I want to show y'all how mad he got.

00:42:33Don't make me laugh.

00:42:34Just be quiet.

00:42:35Okay?

00:42:36I want to show y'all how fucking mad he got.

00:42:37All right?

00:42:38Don't make me laugh.

00:42:38Stop.

00:42:39This is exactly what he did.

00:42:40He said, ah.

00:42:45Ah.

00:42:47Before I say anything, I just want to start off by saying, God is good all the time.

00:43:07Oh, don't nobody know what the fuck they're supposed to say back to Jesus?

00:43:10Say it back to Jesus.

00:43:12Look, my grandmom got scared.

00:43:13She was like, God is good all the time.

00:43:16She started messing it up.

00:43:17God is good all the time.

00:43:18Sometimes he's not.

00:43:19I don't say nothing about it.

00:43:20I just, take me, Jesus.

00:43:23Ah, ah.

00:43:25Look, my grandmom is the king of fake pass outs.

00:43:28Like, she'll pass out for three seconds and wait and then peek to see if anybody looking.

00:43:32Take me, Jesus.

00:43:33Ah, ah.

00:43:37Grandma, I saw you.

00:43:38Come on.

00:43:39Get up.

00:43:40Get your ass up.

00:43:41Get your old faking ass up, grandma.

00:43:44You ain't passed out.

00:43:48Here's the rest of the speech.

00:43:50Word for word, here's the rest of the speech.

00:43:51He goes, ah.

00:43:55Before Nancy died, she owed me $53 or some change.

00:44:03Now, Kevin, real quick.

00:44:05How does that work?

00:44:05Does that roll over to you?

00:44:06Do I get it from you?

00:44:08Whatever.

00:44:08We'll figure it out.

00:44:09We'll talk about it.

00:44:10Ah.

00:44:12Life is funny, ain't it?

00:44:14Sometimes when people die, you got to laugh.

00:44:16Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:44:17Hey.

00:44:19Hello, you, Nance.

00:44:20Peace.

00:44:20This nigga walked off like it was a concert.

00:44:23We was like, what the fuck?

00:44:24Wait a minute.

00:44:26Now, before y'all judge my family, let me tell you how crazy this funeral got, okay?

00:44:30First of all, all our families are crazy.

00:44:32We just come in different races, shapes, and sizes.

00:44:34Now, at any funeral you go to, there's always one person at the funeral that's there to avenge the death

00:44:40of whoever died.

00:44:42They want payback.

00:44:43That person was my Uncle Richard Jr., okay?

00:44:46Now, all my real Kevin Hart fans know who my Uncle Richard Jr. is.

00:44:49For those who don't know, say it with your chest.

00:44:52That's my Uncle Richard Jr., all right?

00:44:54Now, like I said, my mom died from cancer.

00:44:58Everybody knows this except my Uncle Richard Jr.

00:45:02Funeral's over.

00:45:03Everybody's outside.

00:45:04They're consoling one another.

00:45:05It's a really emotional time.

00:45:06I'm talking.

00:45:08My uncle comes up, taps me on the back.

00:45:09He said, Kevin, I just want to let you know, whoever did this is going to die tonight.

00:45:19Excuse me?

00:45:20What do you mean?

00:45:21What are you saying?

00:45:22I'm just trying to tell you I'm about to peel this motherfucker's muffin cap back blue tonight, nigga.

00:45:29I said, um, cancer did it.

00:45:31It was cancer.

00:45:32He said, well, you tell cancer I'm looking for him, and when I find him, I'm going to shoot him

00:45:35in the face.

00:45:36Twice.

00:45:37Me.

00:45:37By myself.

00:45:38One gun.

00:45:40One bullet.

00:45:41All day.

00:45:42Every day.

00:45:43Wake up.

00:45:44Go back to sleep.

00:45:45Take a nap.

00:45:46You ready to go night, night, nigga?

00:45:48You about to go night, night, nigga?

00:45:50Everybody go night, night, nigga?

00:45:52I said, okay.

00:45:53I said, I can't.

00:45:55I said, dude, I can't do this.

00:45:56I can't.

00:45:58I said, um, you going to tell him about yourself.

00:45:59I can't.

00:46:02Reason why I couldn't, it was time for me to be a pallbearer, okay?

00:46:07Now, here's the thing.

00:46:08It was time for me to go be a pallbearer.

00:46:09I had to go pick up the casket.

00:46:10We had to carry the casket down the aisle, put the casket in the hearse.

00:46:13Now, I've never been a pallbearer before.

00:46:15I've been offered several pallbearer positions, but I've turned them all down.

00:46:18Reason why I've turned it down, I'm small.

00:46:20I got little arms.

00:46:21My biggest fear is that you're going to put me next to somebody that's tall with long arms.

00:46:25I got to make up for the space.

00:46:26I got to hold the casket up here.

00:46:28I fuck around, get tired.

00:46:29My arms start shaking.

00:46:30I drop it.

00:46:32Everybody look at me like, why you drop it?

00:46:33I'm like, I never had it.

00:46:35I'm like, yes, you did.

00:46:36I'm like, no, I didn't.

00:46:37I thought we was going to pick it up on three.

00:46:39Nobody counted.

00:46:40Y'all just assumed I had it.

00:46:42I didn't have it.

00:46:42My hand hurt.

00:46:43I thought it was going to bleed.

00:46:44Whatever.

00:46:46I don't want to be in that situation.

00:46:47But, for this time, I don't have a choice.

00:46:51It's my mom.

00:46:52It's my mom's funeral, so I have to do it.

00:46:54So, I'm on the right side.

00:46:55I got the casket over here.

00:46:57My brother's on the left side.

00:46:58He's got the casket over there.

00:46:59Keep in mind, it's my mother, and it's a funeral, so I'm emotional.

00:47:02I'm crying.

00:47:03I'm a mess.

00:47:04No.

00:47:06No.

00:47:09She wasn't ready.

00:47:11She wasn't ready.

00:47:13So, this is why my dad's an asshole.

00:47:15My dad see me crying.

00:47:17My dad stood up, punched me in the back of the head.

00:47:20Stop being a bitch.

00:47:22Man up.

00:47:22She gone.

00:47:23I said, nigga, that's it, man.

00:47:24Fuck this shit, man.

00:47:25I forgot where I was.

00:47:27I threw the casket.

00:47:29When I threw it, my cousin Al stood up.

00:47:31He was like, it should have been me, Lord.

00:47:32I was the one sucking dick for money.

00:47:36My dad was like, all right, all right, all right.

00:47:41Hey, you're going to learn today.

00:47:42Shut the fuck up, dad.

00:47:45My grandma passed out sucking dick.

00:47:51Grandma, get peeking, grandma.

00:47:54Somebody get grandma's ass out to church, lying in front of guys.

00:48:04Now, I talk about my dad a lot, but understand something, people, I love my dad to death.

00:48:08I wouldn't be the man I am today if it wasn't for my dad.

00:48:10To be honest with y'all, I'm just like my dad.

00:48:12I just don't do drugs.

00:48:13I got my dad's temper.

00:48:15I know I do.

00:48:15That's why I'm going through a divorce now.

00:48:17You know, when I get mad, I don't argue no more.

00:48:19I fucking leave.

00:48:19That's how I handle shit.

00:48:20Now, I'm not spiteful like my dad.

00:48:23My dad is very spiteful.

00:48:25Like, my dad gets mad.

00:48:26Like, I remember him and my mom would argue, right?

00:48:28No matter what he bought in the house, he would take with him when he left.

00:48:33I'm going to fuck with what it was.

00:48:34Like, if you were cooking a steak in the pan, and my dad bought it when he left, bitch, get

00:48:39the goddamn steak out the pan.

00:48:41What are we going to eat?

00:48:42Bitch, put the steak in my hand.

00:48:43I'm ready to go.

00:48:45Put a hot steak in his hand.

00:48:46Bitch, put it in the bag.

00:48:50Bitch, it's fucking crazy.

00:48:52I remember my dad took all the Christmas lights off the Christmas tree on Christmas

00:48:54Eve.

00:48:56Do you know how, listen, do you know how mad you got to be to take the Christmas lights

00:49:00off the goddamn Christmas tree?

00:49:02Do you know how long it take to take the Christmas lights off the fucking Christmas tree?

00:49:06And to keep an attitude that whole time?

00:49:08Yep.

00:49:09Y'all done fucked up today.

00:49:11Too late.

00:49:13Too late.

00:49:15It's going to be a dark Christmas in this, bitch.

00:49:17I bet you that.

00:49:19Ain't nobody going to see shit in this house.

00:49:23How many sets of lights I put on this goddamn Christmas tree?

00:49:28That was fucking crazy.

00:49:31Now, I'm not going to lie to y'all.

00:49:32When I left, I did take some stuff.

00:49:35See, but I took stuff that she didn't realize was important until it was gone.

00:49:39Like, when I left, I took all the backs to her earrings.

00:49:44Yeah.

00:49:45Yeah.

00:49:46I don't want the earrings.

00:49:46I just want the backs.

00:49:47You can put them on, but you're going to fucking lose them because I got the backs.

00:49:51I suggest you go buy a pack of pencils and get it popping with those erasers, bitch.

00:49:55I got the goddamn backs.

00:49:56Okay?

00:49:58That's the thing, fellas.

00:49:59You got to hit them low.

00:50:00Got to take stuff they don't realize is important.

00:50:02I'll tell you what else I took.

00:50:03I took the headboard to the bed.

00:50:06Now, I know when I say that, a lot of y'all are like, Kevin, why would you take the

00:50:09headboard to the bed?

00:50:10I'll tell you why.

00:50:11The headboard to the bed is very important to a man.

00:50:14That's what motivates us during sex.

00:50:16Ladies, it's not you.

00:50:17It's not the noises that you make.

00:50:19It's the fucking headboard.

00:50:20This sound right here.

00:50:34That's the motivation.

00:50:37That's the motivation.

00:50:38If you don't believe me, next time you're having sex with your man, if you hit a headboard, look at

00:50:41your man's face.

00:50:42I bet you any amount of money, his face matches the sound of the fucking headboard.

00:50:46Bet money.

00:50:58It all goes together.

00:51:00That's what we do.

00:51:03I'm just telling you what I know.

00:51:06Now, I'm not a hypocrite people.

00:51:08I'm not going to make it seem like my relationship didn't work out and it's all her fault.

00:51:11I'll take responsibility.

00:51:12I'm not the same man that I used to be.

00:51:14I fell off in some areas.

00:51:16I can admit that.

00:51:17Sexually, I fell off.

00:51:18I don't know what happened.

00:51:19One day I woke up.

00:51:20Shit was different.

00:51:20My moves was gone.

00:51:21I was just bad.

00:51:23I'm being honest.

00:51:24I don't care.

00:51:24My dirty talk changed too.

00:51:26Here's the thing with talking dirty.

00:51:27I can say dirty shit.

00:51:29I just don't like it when you say stuff back.

00:51:32Because when you say stuff back, then I got to say something back to what you just said.

00:51:34It's too much.

00:51:35Shut up.

00:51:35Just let me say what I got to say.

00:51:37It's too fucking much.

00:51:39That's the worst.

00:51:40Like, fellas, you ever say some real good shit to a girl and she say something back too quick?

00:51:43You don't got no response for it?

00:51:44I ain't the only man in here that's been stumped.

00:51:46Every man in here has been stumped.

00:51:48When you say some good shit, yeah, you like this dick, don't you?

00:51:51Oh, what I like about it.

00:52:02I don't know.

00:52:03I didn't expect you to say what you said when you said it.

00:52:06I thought you were going to let me keep going because I had some other stuff I wanted to say.

00:52:09So let's just stop.

00:52:10I want to write some stuff down so I can.

00:52:12It's no big deal.

00:52:13Whatever.

00:52:16I'm weird when it comes to sex, man.

00:52:18I get uncomfortable very fast.

00:52:20I really do.

00:52:21I'm not lying to y'all.

00:52:22But here's the thing.

00:52:23I don't bite my tongue.

00:52:24When I'm uncomfortable, I'm going to tell you.

00:52:26I am.

00:52:27I've done it several times.

00:52:28That's why I use safety words.

00:52:29For those who do not know what safety words are, safety words are words that you use to let a

00:52:33woman know that you're not comfortable with what's going on.

00:52:35My safety word is pineapples.

00:52:37That's my word.

00:52:38Pineapples.

00:52:38The reason why I use pineapples is because I don't like saying shit like, stop.

00:52:41Get the fuck off me.

00:52:42Let me go.

00:52:42I don't like it because it makes me look like a bitch.

00:52:45Pineapples, different.

00:52:45I told you what it is.

00:52:46We both understand the meaning of the word.

00:52:48Now, here's an example of how you use it.

00:52:50This is when I don't feel comfortable.

00:52:52I don't like it if a woman's riding me and she makes my whole body move.

00:52:55I don't think no man should ever do this shit right here.

00:53:05Shaq big ass probably got some shit like that.

00:53:07Oh, shit.

00:53:11I don't like it.

00:53:12Pineapples.

00:53:12It hurts.

00:53:13I don't want to do it.

00:53:15Fucking hurts.

00:53:16You know why?

00:53:17You know why I don't like that shit?

00:53:18I'm going to tell you my biggest fear.

00:53:19My biggest fear is a girl making a headboard rock on me.

00:53:22Like, as a man, what do you do when you hear that shit?

00:53:24Like, you hear that and you look up, she all aggressive.

00:53:30Pineapples, bitch.

00:53:31That's it.

00:53:31Get up.

00:53:32No.

00:53:33Not today.

00:53:34I'm about to fuck the shit out of me like I'm a little ass boy.

00:53:36That's it.

00:53:38So you can see me on the street and talk shit?

00:53:39I fucked the shit out that little ass nigga last night.

00:53:42Him.

00:53:42You, bitch, fucked the shit out you last night.

00:53:45What?

00:53:46I said pineapples six times.

00:53:48This bitch ignored me every time.

00:53:52There's a lot of stuff I don't like.

00:53:54Ladies, I don't like it when you get nasty too fast.

00:53:57Here's the thing.

00:53:58If you nasty ladies and you know you nasty, baby step me into your nasty world.

00:54:04Like, don't just assume that because I'm a man, I'm nasty too.

00:54:08It's the first time having sex.

00:54:09First time having sex, you come out the bathroom.

00:54:11Ooh, I'm ready.

00:54:13Ah.

00:54:13Mmm.

00:54:16Pineapples.

00:54:17I don't want to do it.

00:54:19Pineapples!

00:54:20I want to go home.

00:54:22I don't want to.

00:54:24I want to go home!

00:54:27What did you put in your mouth?

00:54:29What was that?

00:54:29You didn't chew anything.

00:54:32You just started.

00:54:33I don't like it.

00:54:34Pineapples.

00:54:36I don't like it.

00:54:39I'll tell you what I sound like.

00:54:41Ladies, I don't like it when you take my underwear off.

00:54:43I'm grown.

00:54:44I can do it myself.

00:54:46Don't treat me like no fucking boy because I'm small.

00:54:48I can't stand that shit.

00:54:50You ever have a girl roll your drawers down when you didn't expect it?

00:54:53Hey, baby.

00:54:53Hey.

00:54:54Wait a minute.

00:54:54Hey.

00:54:56Look out.

00:54:56Look on the ground.

00:54:57Your drawers being that panty ball.

00:54:59That fucking...

00:55:00Bitch, that's a pair of boxers.

00:55:01You better extend it if I punch you in the fucking throat.

00:55:04Got my shit looking like a balled-up thong on the fucking floor.

00:55:06Girl, I'll chop you in your goddamn neck.

00:55:10I'm just being honest.

00:55:12Now, ladies, I know what you think.

00:55:13You're like, Kevin, you don't like all this stuff about us.

00:55:15I'm quite sure there's some stuff that we don't like about you.

00:55:17You're absolutely right.

00:55:19I'll tell you what you don't like about me.

00:55:20I don't have sex for very long.

00:55:22I'm not playing.

00:55:24You got about a good 20 to 23 seconds with me, ladies, and I'm very serious.

00:55:28I'm serious.

00:55:29Here's the thing.

00:55:30I don't care.

00:55:31I come quick.

00:55:31Whatever.

00:55:32It is what it is.

00:55:33Fellas, if you come fast, embrace it.

00:55:35Be good in that amount of time.

00:55:37All you got to do is disguise it.

00:55:39Put a girl in a lot of positions.

00:55:40That's what I do.

00:55:41I put you in like nine positions in 23 seconds.

00:55:43I'm not playing.

00:55:45You don't believe me?

00:55:45Okay.

00:55:46All right.

00:55:46Watch this.

00:55:47I'm going to fuck the shit out this stool for 23 seconds.

00:55:49You brought this on yourself.

00:55:51Don't make me laugh.

00:55:52This is serious shit.

00:55:53Shut the fuck up.

00:55:54You're about to get it.

00:55:54Go.

00:56:22You all right?

00:56:24You want some juice?

00:56:26You want some juice?

00:56:27That's how you know when you ain't do shit, when you want some juice.

00:56:30When a man asks you if you want some juice, he knows his dick wasn't shit.

00:56:32You want some juice?

00:56:34I'm going to the kitchen.

00:56:35I get you some juice.

00:56:36You want some juice?

00:56:38You want me to make you some juice?

00:56:39I can make you some juice from scratch.

00:56:43Hey.

00:56:44Fellas, you ever get that hump in your back?

00:56:45You know what that is?

00:56:46You ever get that turtle shell?

00:56:48So you come too hard?

00:56:50That shit right there?

00:56:52That turtle shell.

00:56:53Your head going in and out the shell?

00:56:54Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

00:56:58Shit.

00:56:59Just caught a cholly horse in my back.

00:57:07It's true stuff.

00:57:09Ladies, I'll tell you what I sound like.

00:57:11I don't like it when you guys get drunk and shit while your man is sober.

00:57:14I don't.

00:57:16You know why?

00:57:16Because if y'all get drunk, that's when you want to be nasty.

00:57:20But the nasty stuff that you want to do doesn't make any sense.

00:57:23It's stupid.

00:57:24Y'all all do the same type of shit.

00:57:26Stay in that same dumbass drunk stance.

00:57:32Hey.

00:57:33Babe.

00:57:34Come here.

00:57:37Come here.

00:57:39Hey.

00:57:40Put your dick on the counter.

00:57:41Let me suck your dick on the counter.

00:57:44Excuse me?

00:57:45Put your dick on the counter.

00:57:47Let me suck your dick on the counter.

00:57:49Bitch, we in 7-Eleven.

00:57:50I'm not about to put my dick on the goddamn counter at 7-Eleven.

00:57:54Get a bag of Doritos.

00:57:56Put Doritos on your dick.

00:57:56Let me suck Doritos off your dick.

00:57:58What?

00:57:59Let me suck the Doritos off your dick.

00:58:00You scared to let me suck that cheesy dick?

00:58:02Bitch.

00:58:03Pineapples.

00:58:03Get in the car.

00:58:04I'm not going to deal with this.

00:58:06Pineapples.

00:58:06Suck a cheesy dick.

00:58:07What the hell are you talking about?

00:58:10What the hell is wrong with you?

00:58:13Women always want you to suck on their titty when they're drunk.

00:58:16You ever notice that?

00:58:17All the time.

00:58:18Hey.

00:58:19Babe.

00:58:21Hey.

00:58:22They do that drunk ass hiccup.

00:58:24Hey.

00:58:26Come here.

00:58:28Come here.

00:58:30Suck my titty real quick.

00:58:32What?

00:58:33Suck on my titty real quick.

00:58:36Bitch.

00:58:37I'm pumping gas.

00:58:38I can't suck your titty while I'm pumping gas.

00:58:41Put some gas on my titty and suck the gas off my titty.

00:58:44All right.

00:58:45Pineapples.

00:58:45You're just fucking stupid.

00:58:47So I can forget I did it.

00:58:48Light a cigarette.

00:58:48Blow my goddamn mouth off.

00:58:50Is that what you want?

00:58:52Stupid ass.

00:58:57Every man in this room has had an experience with a drunk girl.

00:59:00Every man has.

00:59:01My experience was bad.

00:59:03It was horrible.

00:59:04This girl was drunk as shit.

00:59:05I knew she was drunk because she didn't have any balance in her neck.

00:59:08She was all over the place.

00:59:11We in a car.

00:59:11I'm driving.

00:59:12She in a passenger seat.

00:59:13Right?

00:59:14Out of nowhere she sat up.

00:59:15She said, Kevin, I'm about to hit you with some new nasty shit.

00:59:19I said, whatever.

00:59:20Do you.

00:59:20I don't care.

00:59:21Out of nowhere she leans over.

00:59:23I'm thinking she's about to give me head.

00:59:25She put her throat on my balls.

00:59:26Out of nowhere she said,

00:59:28I said, oh.

00:59:31Ah.

00:59:33Ah.

00:59:35She said, I'm humming on your balls.

00:59:39I was hitting the gas and the brake at the same time.

00:59:41Ah.

00:59:41No.

00:59:42Ah.

00:59:43Ah.

00:59:44Shit.

00:59:46I'm just being honest with you.

00:59:49You know what I sound like?

00:59:50Ladies, I don't like the back it up girls.

00:59:53The back it up girls.

00:59:54For those who don't know who they are,

00:59:55they're the girls that do too much when you're having sex.

00:59:57These girls.

00:59:58Yeah, motherfucker.

00:59:59Yeah.

01:00:00I don't like that.

01:00:01Pineapples.

01:00:01I got a little pelvis.

01:00:02It hurts.

01:00:03You're going to pop my belly button.

01:00:04I don't want to do it.

01:00:05I don't fucking like it.

01:00:07That's the worst shit ever, fellas,

01:00:09when you let a girl back you down all over the bedroom.

01:00:11Do you know how stupid you look

01:00:12when you let a girl back you down?

01:00:14I'm serious.

01:00:15All you got to do is catch one reflection of yourself

01:00:16in the mirror.

01:00:17I bet you'll never let it happen again.

01:00:19Look.

01:00:19It's how dumb you look.

01:00:20This is what it looks like.

01:00:21Look.

01:00:22Look.

01:00:37You're supposed to be having sex.

01:00:38She got you doing P90X.

01:00:39Don't sit your stupid ass down, man.

01:00:41Fuck your calves burning for while you're having sex.

01:00:45Now, ladies, the reason why I know all this stuff,

01:00:47like I said, I've been single for a while now.

01:00:49So I've been out.

01:00:50I've been in the clubs.

01:00:51I've been on the scene.

01:00:51I see what's going on.

01:00:53Do I like the clubs?

01:00:54No.

01:00:55Do I like the single lives?

01:00:55Not really.

01:00:56But I'm in it.

01:00:57The reason why I go to clubs is because my friends make me.

01:00:59Because they can't get in without me.

01:01:01So I have to go.

01:01:04Here's the thing.

01:01:04I'm going to tell you what shocked me the most about the clubs.

01:01:06I didn't know that that dancing shit,

01:01:08like that whole dance battle shit,

01:01:09I didn't know that that was real.

01:01:11I thought it was just on TV, like with the dance crews.

01:01:13That shit is real.

01:01:14Like grown-ass men be battling, like face-to-face.

01:01:18Oh.

01:01:27Grown-ass fucking men.

01:01:29The shit that make me laugh the most,

01:01:31like when you watch people battle,

01:01:33it's the dude that be calling the dancers out.

01:01:35He say shit you have no clue,

01:01:37like you never knew this was going on.

01:01:38Oh shit, that nigga in your house.

01:01:44He walking your dog.

01:01:47Where the fuck he get the dog?

01:01:48When did he get the dog?

01:01:51I got involved in one dance battle.

01:01:53One dance battle.

01:01:55I go to a club, right?

01:01:56I'm with my boy Spank.

01:01:57Now here's the thing.

01:01:57Spank can dance.

01:01:58Spank can dance his ass off.

01:02:00Personally, I think Spank a little too tall

01:02:02to do some of the dances he does.

01:02:03Spank like 6'5".

01:02:04Shouldn't do some of them.

01:02:05But whatever.

01:02:05It's his business.

01:02:06We going to a club.

01:02:08Spank walking in front of me.

01:02:09I'm behind him, right?

01:02:10When we get there, he hear a song.

01:02:12He's like, oh shit, this is my song.

01:02:14He dropped his ass down twice.

01:02:16Bop.

01:02:17Bop.

01:02:17Now here's the thing.

01:02:18I'm right behind him.

01:02:19I'm small.

01:02:20His ass hit my lip a little bit.

01:02:22Not a lot, but it definitely...

01:02:24I was like, no, no, no.

01:02:26The DJ was like, oh shit,

01:02:28them niggas dirty whining.

01:02:29No, we're not.

01:02:30Don't do that.

01:02:31Don't say that.

01:02:32Don't put that message out there.

01:02:35I said, hey man,

01:02:36don't fucking do that shit in front of me.

01:02:37Go out there and dance if you want to dance.

01:02:39He said, all right, cool, cool.

01:02:40He go out there on the dance floor.

01:02:42He see this girl.

01:02:43He start dancing.

01:02:44He ain't doing nothing crazy.

01:02:45He's just two-stepping.

01:02:47Him and the girl dancing.

01:02:48Out of nowhere, this guy walks up.

01:02:50He got like five guys with him, right?

01:02:52He grabbed the girl.

01:02:53He looked at Spank.

01:02:54He said, hey man,

01:02:54you don't want this fucking problem.

01:02:56Now in my mind, I said, oh shit,

01:02:57we about to fight.

01:02:58So I did what I do.

01:02:59I took a beer bottle.

01:03:00I broke it

01:03:01because I was about to stab this bitch in the face.

01:03:04I'm lying.

01:03:05I tried to break it.

01:03:06It didn't break, so I sat down.

01:03:08Listen, whatever.

01:03:09It has nothing to do with the story.

01:03:10It's neither here nor there.

01:03:12Okay.

01:03:12So I sit down.

01:03:14I'm looking, right?

01:03:15This is shit that was wild.

01:03:16When the guy moved the girl,

01:03:17he said, yeah,

01:03:17you don't want this fucking problem.

01:03:19Out of nowhere, he was like,

01:03:20yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:03:23Now this is shit that made me laugh.

01:03:24When he was doing this, right?

01:03:25His friends behind him was like,

01:03:27oh, oh.

01:03:30I was like, what the fuck is that?

01:03:31What's going on?

01:03:32What the hell is this?

01:03:34So he grabbed Spank's chest.

01:03:36When he grabbed the chest,

01:03:36he was like, yeah,

01:03:38what I got,

01:03:39what I got.

01:03:40Now the bitch of me came out.

01:03:42I was like, what is it?

01:03:42What's in his hand?

01:03:44What does he have?

01:03:45He said, I got your heart, nigga.

01:03:46I got your fucking heart.

01:03:48I'm about to eat it.

01:03:51He said, yeah, I ate it, bitch.

01:03:52Oh, it's nasty.

01:03:54Threw it back up.

01:03:55He said, take it back.

01:03:56Hit Spank on the head.

01:03:57Spank came back to life.

01:03:59Because technically,

01:03:59Spank was dead for like 32 seconds

01:04:01because the guy had his heart.

01:04:03So when he gave it back,

01:04:04I was like, yo, Spank,

01:04:05we should leave

01:04:06because next time

01:04:06he might not be that nice.

01:04:08He might not give it back.

01:04:09So Spank was like,

01:04:10yo, man, fuck that.

01:04:11He want to battle.

01:04:11Let's battle.

01:04:12I said, Spank is five of them.

01:04:13Okay.

01:04:14You're not going to do it by yourself.

01:04:15Tag me in.

01:04:16He said, what?

01:04:17I said, tag me in.

01:04:18Hit my hand.

01:04:19I'm going to go here.

01:04:20I'm going to bring you

01:04:20right back here.

01:04:21Okay.

01:04:21Just hit my hand.

01:04:22I'm going to go here with it.

01:04:23I'm going to bring you

01:04:23right back here.

01:04:24He said, no, Kev,

01:04:25fuck that.

01:04:25I got him.

01:04:26I'm about to get in the car

01:04:27on this bitch.

01:04:27I said, what?

01:04:28He said, I'm about to get

01:04:29in the car on his ass.

01:04:30I said, whatever.

01:04:30Fine.

01:04:31Do you?

01:04:31He said, when I get to

01:04:32the other side of the room,

01:04:33throw me the car keys.

01:04:34I said, my real car keys?

01:04:36He said, bitch,

01:04:36throw me the keys.

01:04:37I said, okay.

01:04:37I'm not going to argue with you.

01:04:38Whatever.

01:04:39Fine.

01:04:39Okay.

01:04:40So Spank started dancing.

01:04:41He gets to the other side

01:04:42of the room.

01:04:42He going off, right?

01:04:43He said, Kev,

01:04:44I'm at the car.

01:04:45Throw me the keys.

01:04:46I take out my car keys.

01:04:47I throw them hard as shit.

01:04:49When I throw them,

01:04:50this bitch ducks.

01:04:52When he ducks,

01:04:53hit the glass behind the bar.

01:04:54All the glass break.

01:04:55Alcohol fall down.

01:04:57The bartender looked at me.

01:04:58He said, you're going to have

01:04:58to pay for this shit.

01:05:00I said, I would,

01:05:01but the way that my bank

01:05:01account is set up,

01:05:02I got to check it

01:05:03in the savings.

01:05:04Y'all been great in LA.

01:05:05I'm Kev Hart.

01:05:06I got to get the fuck

01:05:06out of here.

01:05:28I got to smoke your own

01:05:29and I can't go for all that.

01:05:30That was business.

01:05:32That's all business.

01:05:33All right?

01:05:34It's all making it do

01:05:35what it do, baby.

01:05:36Okay?

01:05:36I came,

01:05:37I saw,

01:05:38I rocked.

01:05:39You saw it.

01:05:39I don't got to say it

01:05:40because you saw

01:05:41what just happened.

01:05:42Let me tell you something.

01:05:42Shut that over, bitches.

01:05:43I suggest you sit back

01:05:44down in your seats

01:05:45because I got something

01:05:46to show you.

01:06:01All right, listen up.

01:06:07About to give you your names.

01:06:09You're Mr. Brown.

01:06:10You're Mr. Blind,

01:06:11Mr. White,

01:06:13Mr. Blue,

01:06:14Mr. Pink.

01:06:16Wait a minute.

01:06:17Why am I Mr. Pink?

01:06:19Because I said so.

01:06:20Why can't we just

01:06:21choose our own colors?

01:06:22I'll tell you why

01:06:22you can't choose your own color.

01:06:23Because I'm the one

01:06:24that sat up all night

01:06:25trying to figure out

01:06:25who was going to be who

01:06:26according to the way

01:06:27it was going to go down.

01:06:28Now that I know

01:06:29how it's going down,

01:06:29I know who's who.

01:06:30And you're Mr. Pink.

01:06:31It's just a fake name, man.

01:06:34Man, it's easy for you

01:06:35to say.

01:06:35You're Mr. White.

01:06:36Your name is cool.

01:06:37Why don't we just

01:06:38trade him?

01:06:39Shit.

01:06:40You think I'm going to let

01:06:40a grown man call me

01:06:41Mr. Pink?

01:06:42That's a man law.

01:06:43See what I'm saying?

01:06:44It sounds gay.

01:06:45Mr. Brown sounds

01:06:46like Mr. Shit.

01:06:47You know what?

01:06:48If it's all right with you,

01:06:49I'll just be Mr. Fuchsia.

01:06:51Mr. Fuchsia is gay.

01:06:52Hey, hey, hey, hey,

01:06:54let me tell you,

01:06:54you're going to be Mr. Pink,

01:06:55okay?

01:06:56You're Mr. Brown.

01:06:58Smell like shit

01:06:58or smell like shit.

01:06:59You're Mr. Brown.

01:07:00You're Mr. Pink,

01:07:01and you're Mr. Brown.

01:07:02I'm not going to keep

01:07:02telling you.

01:07:03You're Mr. Pink, man.

01:07:05I sat up all night.

01:07:06You hear me?

01:07:07Mr. Pink.

01:07:08It's the way I figured it out.

01:07:10Now, what's your name?

01:07:11What?

01:07:11Tell me.

01:07:12Mr. Pink, man.

01:07:13But then, you know,

01:07:14I prefer Mr. Fuchsia.

01:07:15Come on, man.

01:07:16Just call yourself Mr. Pink.

01:07:18Now, can we get on

01:07:19with this shit?

01:07:23The fuck is on

01:07:24your goddamn face?

01:07:26Why are you here

01:07:26dressed like mine?

01:07:28Nigga, you told me

01:07:29to come as your favorite

01:07:30character from a bank robbery movie.

01:07:31I chose their presidents.

01:07:34Did we not all say

01:07:35Reservoir Dogs was our favorite movie?

01:07:36I said Reservoir Dogs.

01:07:37I said Reservoir Dogs.

01:07:38I sent the email.

01:07:39Did you get the email?

01:07:40And I tweeted it.

01:07:41I got the tweet.

01:07:42I definitely got the tweet.

01:07:42I'm not following you.

01:07:44Ain't that about a bitch.

01:07:45Remember when you said

01:07:46the shit about the dark-skinned girls?

01:07:48That's when I stopped following.

01:07:49You're following me, though, right?

01:07:50Hell yeah.

01:07:51I'm still following you.

01:07:51Oh, cool.

01:07:52Okay, you know what?

01:07:53Hey, listen.

01:07:54Listen!

01:07:55We're about to rob a bank, okay?

01:07:57We gotta be together.

01:07:58We don't have room for error.

01:08:00Focus!

01:08:01Now, we need to be on the same page

01:08:02because right now we're not.

01:08:03We're not on page two.

01:08:05We're on page one.

01:08:06We need to flip back

01:08:07to page number one

01:08:08and read the third paragraph.

01:08:10We can't turn to page two

01:08:11because we're on page one.

01:08:17Y'all ready to set it off

01:08:18for this motherfucker?

01:08:22Damn, bitch!

01:08:24Oh, God damn!

01:08:29Jail!

01:08:30That's where we're going.

01:08:32Jail!

01:09:02All right, check it out.

01:09:03They call me Suicide King

01:09:05when I cop that click-clack

01:09:06putting all your triggers on the dime

01:09:08when I blow back bitches cry

01:09:10when the plush black folks jack

01:09:11being around the block

01:09:12like a rack hat combat.

01:09:14Fuck that.

01:09:15I can tell you what you want to know.

01:09:17Slip-cold cash in the pocket

01:09:18when the killer go, killer go, killer go.

01:09:22They're gonna get you.

01:09:24They're gonna get you.

01:09:30Lampin' in the streets, a hustler.

01:09:35Stone-cold cash from the cradle to the grave.

01:09:40Rise and shine, Los Angeles.

01:09:42It's 10 o'clock in the AM.

01:09:44All right, guys.

01:09:45Let's synchronize our watches.

01:09:47Time right now is 1.

01:09:49Uh, I don't have a watch.

01:09:51What do you mean you don't have no watch?

01:09:53You didn't say bring a watch.

01:09:55Should I have to?

01:09:57If you want me to bring it.

01:09:59What are we doing today?

01:10:00We robbing a bank.

01:10:01Okay, so you don't think

01:10:02you need a damn watch

01:10:03to know what time we need

01:10:03to get out the goddamn bank?

01:10:04For what?

01:10:05We all together.

01:10:06You know what?

01:10:06Forget it.

01:10:07You don't need no watch.

01:10:08You count on your head.

01:10:09That's what you do.

01:10:10That's how you keep track.

01:10:11Hey, dude.

01:10:12What?

01:10:12My sugar is low.

01:10:13I gotta stop and get something to eat.

01:10:15You don't need shit else to eat, fat boy.

01:10:17We got no time for that shit anyway.

01:10:19How do you know what we got time for?

01:10:20Because you don't got no goddamn watch.

01:10:22Dumbass.

01:10:22That's it.

01:10:23Done, okay?

01:10:24We coming up on the bank, guys.

01:10:26Game face is on.

01:10:26Right now.

01:10:27Let's go.

01:10:55Let's go.

01:11:23Next in line.

01:11:27Hey, how you doing?

01:11:28I got a question.

01:11:30Hypothetically, if this bank was to get robbed,

01:11:32is my money okay?

01:11:45I got it!

01:11:46Shit.

01:11:48I mean, you know what?

01:11:48Don't worry about what I just said.

01:11:49Let me just withdraw all my money.

01:11:51I need all my money.

01:11:52Yeah, it's about $95.

01:12:07I'm part of it.

01:12:08I'm sorry.

01:12:09Put my money in the motherfucking bag!

01:12:11It's a honey in the bag!

01:12:14Put the money in the bag!

01:12:16Get the fuck down!

01:12:17God dang it!

01:12:19Get the fuck down!

01:12:20Get your bitch!

01:12:21Get the fuck down!

01:12:22Get down!

01:12:25Everybody get the fuck down!

01:12:27Get the fuck down!

01:12:28Everybody get the fuck down!

01:12:31Get the fuck down!

01:12:32You bitch, you better get down!

01:12:33Get down!

01:12:34Get your ass down!

01:12:35Everybody, stand!

01:12:3760 seconds!

01:12:3840 seconds!

01:12:4745!

01:12:48I'm gonna shoot somebody!

01:12:5125!

01:12:52I know!

01:12:5515!

01:12:56Right, I got it.

01:12:58Hey!

01:12:59Get your ass up!

01:13:01Give me the goddamn gun!

01:13:03Give me my...

01:13:04Get down!

01:13:05Get your ass down!

01:13:07Five seconds!

01:13:08Wait!

01:13:09You gotta start over!

01:13:11I just got up here!

01:13:12We can't be at five that fast!

01:13:14You gotta start it over!

01:13:14Robert De Niro didn't start a speech until he was up here!

01:13:1760 seconds!

01:13:1860 seconds!

01:13:20Everybody listen up!

01:13:21We're holding this bank up!

01:13:23Understand something!

01:13:24We do not want your money, okay?

01:13:25We want the bank's money!

01:13:27Your money is insured by the federal government!

01:13:29Now!

01:13:30Do exactly as I say and you will not be hurt!

01:13:32If you have kids and family that you love, you will listen!

01:13:35If you gotta pee or shit, you will hold it and possibly piss a shit on yourself!

01:13:39If you gotta throw up, you will throw up in your hand and put it in your pocket and wait

01:13:43until you get your ass!

01:13:44Mr. Black!

01:13:46Right!

01:13:47Right!

01:13:47Hey!

01:13:48You!

01:13:49Get your ass!

01:13:51Oh!

01:13:54Oh, goddamn!

01:13:55Yeah?

01:13:55Wait a minute!

01:13:57Yeah?

01:13:57Hey!

01:13:58Hey, beautiful!

01:14:01How you doing?

01:14:02I've been better!

01:14:04Right!

01:14:04Considering what's going on right now!

01:14:06Yeah!

01:14:06So this your job?

01:14:07Yeah!

01:14:08How do they treat you?

01:14:09They treat you good?

01:14:09I mean, it's okay!

01:14:10I got benefits!

01:14:11Yeah!

01:14:12Question!

01:14:12Yeah!

01:14:13How long are you gonna be?

01:14:14Because I gotta be somewhere at 4 o'clock, so can you?

01:14:17No, no, no!

01:14:17Wait a minute long!

01:14:18Watch out!

01:14:19Oh, shit!

01:14:20Yeah, you kidding me!

01:14:21What?

01:14:22Oh, you got to be goddamn kidding me!

01:14:24You got to be kidding me!

01:14:26Hold on!

01:14:26You need help?

01:14:27No!

01:14:28You sure?

01:14:29Guys, are my feet at the ground yet?

01:14:30I doubt it!

01:14:31Guys, am I close?

01:14:32Just drop, you good!

01:14:33Oh!

01:14:34Okay!

01:14:35Give it to me!

01:14:36I can't get it out!

01:14:37Give me the goddamn gun!

01:14:38Give me the goddamn...

01:14:40Sit your ass down!

01:14:41Sit your old ass down!

01:14:42Okay!

01:14:43Put your head against the wall, go to sleep!

01:14:44Yes, sir!

01:14:45Night-night, nigga!

01:14:45Night-y-night!

01:14:47Really, Duke?

01:14:49He caught us by surprise, man!

01:14:51His old 195-year-old ass caught you by surprise?

01:14:54My bad, Kev!

01:14:56Oh, my God, man!

01:14:58What?

01:14:59You called him Kevin, dickwad!

01:15:01I called you Kev, she called you Kevin Dickhead!

01:15:03Oh, you a snitch, too!

01:15:04Don't matter!

01:15:04What are you supposed to call me?

01:15:06Mr. Black?

01:15:06Okay!

01:15:07Why do you call me Mr. Black?

01:15:08That's what we worked on all day!

01:15:09I'm Mr. Black!

01:15:10You know I'm Mr. Black!

01:15:11So call me Mr. Black, man!

01:15:12Call him Mr. Black!

01:15:13Think about Black Pepper, think about Ku-Tuk and Kizzy Black, you know?

01:15:18Think about them black bumps on Morgan Freeman, not Morgan Freeman, got those black moles

01:15:22all over his face, black like that, black like his little black ass!

01:15:25Okay, we get it!

01:15:26Just black!

01:15:27Thank you!

01:15:28Twizzle Black!

01:15:28Yeah, black!

01:15:29There you go!

01:15:30Hey, that nigga Black is train smoke!

01:15:32Black in an Adebisi from Oz!

01:15:33Black in a limo tip!

01:15:35Black like the back of Forrest Whitaker's black neck!

01:15:38Thank you, Taraji!

01:15:39You're welcome, Kevin!

01:15:40Okay!

01:15:41Your little cute self!

01:15:42Taraji, I am filming a goddamn action scene, don't call me cute right now!

01:15:45You just made it real!

01:15:47You!

01:15:47Get out!

01:15:48You better get your ass on!

01:15:49I'm not getting on the ground, little ass!

01:15:50You gonna get your ass on that!

01:15:51I'm not getting on the ground!

01:15:54What is the problem?

01:15:55Because I just bought the suit!

01:15:57I'm not getting on the ground because it's filthy!

01:15:58They don't wash these carpets!

01:16:00Fine!

01:16:00I'll get you a suit!

01:16:01Okay!

01:16:03Would I be robbing the bank if I had the goddamn money?

01:16:05I can't help you with that, but I'm not getting on this damn ground!

01:16:08Get it out the register!

01:16:09Oh, it's not coming out my drawer, boo-boo!

01:16:10I could get fired for that!

01:16:12Jackie Robinson!

01:16:13Get your old ass up!

01:16:14Get the money out the register!

01:16:16How much was the suit?

01:16:17Oh, $400 for the suit!

01:16:19Give me $400!

01:16:20But I'm gonna need $300 for my shoes because I'm getting scuffed on the way down!

01:16:23Give me the fucking $400 plus the $300!

01:16:26Oh, oh, wait, wait!

01:16:26And two for my head because this carpet's filthy!

01:16:29I can't, you know, my head, so that's two, four, three, that's nine!

01:16:32Like a thousand?

01:16:33Yeah, a G!

01:16:34I'll take a G!

01:16:35Get the motherfucking G out the register!

01:16:36Get the G out the register!

01:16:37Count it out!

01:16:38I want big bills!

01:16:39The fucking bills, bitch!

01:16:40Get the big bills, bitch!

01:16:43Get the...

01:16:44Get the...

01:16:44Ha-ha!

01:16:45It's fine.

01:16:46Get fucking money.

01:16:47Get your...

01:16:47Get my money, bitch!

01:16:49Through my mind!

01:16:50Get your goddamn ass down!

01:16:51Get your ass down!

01:16:53You.

01:16:54Damn!

01:16:54I'm gonna count my money first.

01:16:57One, two, three, four...

01:16:59How long we been in this bank?

01:17:00We've been in a bit of 11 minutes already!

01:17:04You need to get your ass down!

01:17:06Can you ask a little nicer?

01:17:07Can you please get down?

01:17:08Taraji.

01:17:08Okay, Kevin, with your...

01:17:12You know what?

01:17:13You done called me cute for the last time.

01:17:16Yo, what the fuck was that?

01:17:18It was what?

01:17:19This motherfucking signaling people.

01:17:21I scratched my ass.

01:17:22Oh, you a dirty motherfucker!

01:17:23You don't want your ass, bitch!

01:17:25What, you don't know about hygiene?

01:17:26You ain't take no shower?

01:17:27No!

01:17:28Get your ass down!

01:17:29I ain't like you anyway.

01:17:31Yo, we gonna have company.

01:17:33I'm going to the boat.

01:17:34I'm hitting the boat!

01:17:58I'm coming, I'm coming!

01:18:00Yo!

01:18:01Baby!

01:18:04Yeah.

01:18:05Hey!

01:18:06I think I got the heavy one!

01:18:08Yeah!

01:18:09I got the heavy one!

01:18:09Come on, man!

01:18:10I'm coming!

01:18:11Let's go!

01:18:11Yo, go, go, go!

01:18:12Yo!

01:18:13I'm good!

01:18:14Don't worry!

01:18:15You better sit and keep up there!

01:18:16Fuck out!

01:18:17You know how you do!

01:18:18You just got robbed, bitch!

01:18:22What's going on over here?

01:18:24I'm trying to figure this shit out, man.

01:18:25Figure what out?

01:18:26Can't get the seats out.

01:18:27Why the hell did you put them down?

01:18:29I was trying to make room for more money.

01:18:30It's seven of us!

01:18:31Where the hell are we supposed to sit?

01:18:32I just thought about that shit, man.

01:18:33What's going on over here?

01:18:35Jackass put the seats down and can't get them back up.

01:18:37Why would you put the seats down?

01:18:39I was trying to make room for more money.

01:18:40But you know, there's seven of us!

01:18:41I just thought about that shit, man.

01:18:44What the hell's going on?

01:18:46Jackass put the seats down.

01:18:47Why the fuck would you do that?

01:18:48I'm trying to make room for more money.

01:18:49Fuck the seven of us!

01:18:51Man, I just thought about that shit, man.

01:18:52What y'all doing?

01:18:53Jackass put the seats down and can't get them back up.

01:18:55What the fuck are you doing?

01:18:57I was trying to make room for more money, man.

01:18:58Well, there's seven of us.

01:18:59I just thought about that shit, man.

01:19:01Yo, let's get the fuck up.

01:19:02What the fuck going on?

01:19:04Jackass put the seats down.

01:19:05Why you do that?

01:19:06I was trying to make room for more money, man.

01:19:07There's seven of us, Mr. Brown.

01:19:09What the fuck are you doing?

01:19:10I just thought about that shit, man.

01:19:11You're going to get somebody killed?

01:19:12Get your old ass in the car, man.

01:19:14Come on, y'all.

01:19:15Let's go, man.

01:19:16We got to go.

01:19:20Mr. Black, where's Mr. Black?

01:19:26There you go.

01:19:27Go get him.

01:19:29Okay, I got it.

01:19:31Y'all don't worry about it.

01:19:31I got it.

01:19:32I got it.

01:19:32There you go.

01:19:33Okay.

01:19:34Hey.

01:19:36Y'all gave me one with all the hunters.

01:19:37Okay.

01:19:38That's why it's so heavy.

01:19:39Okay.

01:19:39Let's go.

01:19:40Good.

01:19:40Go.

01:19:42Come on, let's go.

01:19:43Come on.

01:19:45He said go.

01:19:46You sure he said go?

01:19:47He said go.

01:19:48You sure he said go?

01:19:49Yeah, yeah, he said go.

01:19:50Just give me a second.

01:19:52I'll be all right.

01:19:53I don't think I mean go.

01:19:55No.

01:19:55Oh, shit.

01:19:56That's definitely go.

01:19:57He's doing that Queen Latifah move, yo.

01:19:59He's sacrificing for the team.

01:20:01Just need a second.

01:20:01I'll be right there.

01:20:02Let's go.

01:20:03That motherfucker dumb.

01:20:05Fuck it.

01:20:05Let's go.

01:20:06Close the door.

01:20:06He said let's go.

01:20:07Close the door.

01:20:08He said let's go.

01:20:09No, no, don't leave.

01:20:10No, no.

01:20:13No.

01:20:14No.

01:20:15No.

01:20:17No.

01:20:19No.

01:20:20No.

01:20:22No.

01:20:27Yo.

01:20:28I don't believe in what you leave it for.

01:20:31Mr. Brown.

01:20:33Let's go!

01:20:55Fuck, am I taking back?

01:20:56Come on.

01:21:02On tonight's show, we have Henry Witherspoon.

01:21:05He's the father of the world-renowned comedian, Kevin Hart.

01:21:09Kevin's wildly successful stand-up comedy film, Laugh in My Shame,

01:21:14attributes some horrific actions to Mr. Witherspoon, and we have an exclusive...

01:21:18Take a glass of milk, please.

01:21:20...with him tonight. First and foremost, what do you work at?

01:21:23I'm an engineer. I'm an oil-burner technician.

01:21:26What does that mean?

01:21:28It's my goddamn day.

01:21:29That means I fix oil-burners. I take care of burners.

01:21:32Okay.

01:21:32Industrial.

01:21:33My damn day.

01:21:33Oil-burner technician. I've never met one.

01:21:35That's what you're doing on Larry King.

01:21:37You have thrown your son in a pool in which he almost dies.

01:21:41You steal a police dog. You ruin your son's spelling bee competition.

01:21:46Yeah, yeah.

01:21:46All those true?

01:21:47Yeah. Every one of them, yeah.

01:21:49Were you stoned at the time?

01:21:51Um, let's see. When I threw him in the pool, I was hired in the Georgia Pines.

01:21:57When I stole the police car, because it was a car, not a dog.

01:22:01When I stole the car, yeah, I was hired.

01:22:03Look at him. Do you see this shit? Do you see this shit?

01:22:06Is Kevin Hart your biological son, or did you adopt him?

01:22:09He better be my biological son. I supported the nigga. I paid for him.

01:22:13Now, why does Kevin have several stepbrothers and stepsisters that are the same age as him?

01:22:19Papa was a rolling stone. It is what it is.

01:22:23Is it true you took your son to the wrong daycare center?

01:22:26Yeah. I got Kevin there, and he took me, one was on one side, one was on another.

01:22:32He took me to one and told me, go ahead, Dad. I got it. I'm good.

01:22:37So I left.

01:22:39Uh, later on that day, a priest showed up where I was working with my son.

01:22:46Dude, you know what? I don't need the milk.

01:22:49I'm gone. I'm gonna find out where the goddamn studio is.

01:22:52I'm on my way, bitch.

01:22:54Kevin says that you tried to force sex on him at the age of 13 with a female friend's young

01:22:59daughter.

01:22:59Is that true?

01:23:00Yeah, I tried to get him a hit. Um, that's like this.

01:23:05Black fathers want to be sure that their young boys turn to young men.

01:23:13And the best way to do that is get them wet.

01:23:16Wet?

01:23:17Yeah.

01:23:18Good term.

01:23:18Yeah.

01:23:30Yeah.

01:23:32Mm-hmm.

01:23:34Yeah.

01:23:36Yeah.

01:23:37Yeah.

01:23:49Yeah.

01:23:52Ow, Ian.

01:23:53Yeah.ól!

01:23:53Yeah.

01:24:20We're back with Spoon, Henry Weatherspoon

01:24:22and now joined by his famous son, Kevin Hart.

01:24:25What's your relationship now?

01:24:27Ah, my relationship with my dad now and Larry is excellent.

01:24:29You know, I gotta honestly say it's better than it has been before.

01:24:32Not that it was ever bad, but, you know,

01:24:34the older you get, the more you mature.

01:24:36And I can say right now I'm at the highest level of maturity

01:24:40I've ever been in my life,

01:24:40and I gotta say it's because of this man right here.

01:24:42Are you best friends now?

01:24:44Of course, of course.

01:24:45This is my man, my man Pots and Pans, you know.

01:24:48I think we're probably friends because he understands,

01:24:49you know, at the current time, I whip his ass, Larry.

01:24:52You know, it's not what it used to be.

01:24:53Yeah, I beat the hell out of this boy.

01:24:55It's not what it used to be, Larry.

01:24:58I put my hands on him.

01:24:58He be right, but he got to remember.

01:25:00I'll cut him.

01:25:02Do you think with what you went through growing up

01:25:05that comedy's therapy for you?

01:25:07Oh, yes, yes.

01:25:09You know, because I didn't have other outlets.

01:25:11You know, I mean, it wasn't like there was people

01:25:13that I was talking to about what I was going through.

01:25:16Staying up comedy gave me the ability

01:25:18to share my stories and get results,

01:25:21you know, getting immediate results.

01:25:22Even using your dad.

01:25:23Even using my dad.

01:25:24You know, you're taking your pain

01:25:25and you're getting people to laugh at it.

01:25:27You know, guys, Larry Gelbhardt,

01:25:28the great late comedy writer,

01:25:30told me once he was carrying his little granddaughter,

01:25:33and he said,

01:25:34do you know why grandparents and grandchildren

01:25:36get along so well?

01:25:38Because they can send you to send them home

01:25:39when you're tired of them.

01:25:40Because they have a common enemy.

01:25:42Hey, that's really funny.

01:25:43Thank you, boy.

01:25:45Thank you, guys.

01:25:46Hey, tomorrow night, what a show we've got.

01:25:48Todd Bridges is going to be with us

01:25:50with his best friend.

01:25:52His best friend, he says, stole his image.

01:25:55That's tomorrow night.

01:25:55It's going to be hot.

01:25:56You will not want to miss it.

01:26:00All right, all right, all right!

01:26:02I was an honor roll student when I went here.

01:26:04You can look it up.

01:26:05Do you have your files?

01:26:06If you want me to come talk to some kids,

01:26:08I'm available.

01:26:08You know, I'm a great motivational speaker.

01:26:11You know, I can definitely tell kids,

01:26:13don't do drugs.

01:26:14And if you do do it, just do it once.

01:26:16Because that's, you know,

01:26:17that's kind of when you get the effect that you need

01:26:18and you can let it go.

01:26:21Here's something, basically,

01:26:24at the top, what do you see?

01:26:25You see graduated to greatness.

01:26:27Okay?

01:26:28I mean, I'm in a great spot right now.

01:26:31I'm definitely,

01:26:32I'm definitely probably on here.

01:26:35See?

01:26:36That's weird.

01:26:37Let's see.

01:26:38I wonder who made this.

01:26:39They probably just didn't,

01:26:41let's just put this down

01:26:42because I don't think it's,

01:26:43I don't think it's something that's relevant.

01:26:45Whatever.

01:26:46It's not even a big deal.

01:26:47I'm not upset about it.

01:26:48I'm definitely not mad.

01:26:49Broke my finger.

01:26:51Somebody opened the door.

01:26:52While they opened the door,

01:26:53I had my finger like this.

01:26:55I didn't cry.

01:26:57Why didn't I cry?

01:26:58Because I'm a fucking man.

01:26:59I took it.

01:27:00No tears.

01:27:02I passed out.

01:27:04That's probably why I didn't cry.

01:27:05We about to jump into shit right now.

01:27:06It's going to get crazy.

01:27:08Now I got some white people on this camera crew.

01:27:10I need y'all to look alive.

01:27:11Stay alert.

01:27:12If I say run, run.

01:27:14When I say get the fuck out of here,

01:27:15y'all go.

01:27:16It used to be he was my brother.

01:27:17It's done turned full circle now.

01:27:19I don't even have a name.

01:27:21I'm his brother now.

01:27:22People don't even call me with my name anymore.

01:27:24Nothing's changed.

01:27:25He's got the attention span of a teen girl.

01:27:28Nothing has changed about it.

01:27:29He's still the same kid.

01:27:30Except he's got more money.

01:27:31He's still, you know,

01:27:33hey, hey, he's trying to fast talk me.

01:27:36Like he's playing three-card Molly.

01:27:37Everybody want to be famous?

01:27:38Nobody want to do the works.

01:27:39Give me two, baby.

01:27:40Let's go.

01:27:40Let's go, baby.

01:27:47Come on, now.

01:27:47Now, give me some.

01:27:49Dub, come on.

01:27:50Give me two.

01:27:51Close them up.

01:27:52There you go.

01:27:53Come on, Harry.

01:27:54Come on, boy.

01:27:55Come on, now, Clyde.

01:27:56Easy, greasy.

01:27:56Come on, now, Clyde.

01:27:57Give me some.

01:27:59That's the strike.

01:27:59That's what I'm talking about, Wayne.

01:28:00Give me two.

01:28:01Give me the belly.

01:28:02Give me the belly.

01:28:03All right.

01:28:04G's.

01:28:04Know you, boy?

01:28:05Always, always.

01:28:06Nate, give me some.

01:28:08That's a baby.

01:28:08All right.

01:28:11Hey, hey.

01:28:13Look at me, though.

01:28:15Look at me.

01:28:15Look at me, Spawny G.

01:28:17Come give me some, Spawny G.

01:28:18Come give me some.

01:28:21You all right, man.

01:28:22Was it good shit?

01:28:24Pau, leave me some mouth.

01:28:26Koki's up.

01:28:27What's that on your mouth?

01:28:28Ha-ha.

Kevin Hart - Laugh At My Pain (11)

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