A stand-up show that touches on topics such as artificial intelligence, political correctness, family weddings, funerals, and the end of humanity.
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#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #rickygervais #rickygervaiscomedy #rickygervaisstandup #rickygervaisstandupcomedy
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00:00:28Hello.
00:00:34Thank you very much. Cheers.
00:00:35Thank you. No.
00:00:39No, you know the score.
00:00:41Shut the fuck up.
00:00:45Welcome to my new show.
00:00:47So new, in fact, it's still evolving.
00:00:49I've got bits tonight I haven't done before.
00:00:52Right?
00:00:53If I had lib, I haven't even thought it before.
00:00:56And I have some terrible fucking thoughts.
00:01:00But you can't help that, can you?
00:01:01You can't choose your thoughts.
00:01:03They just appear. It's too late.
00:01:04You have a thought, and it goes, I'm a thought.
00:01:07And you go, oh, fuck, I thought that.
00:01:10LAUGHTER
00:01:11And then sometimes the thought will go, now say it.
00:01:15LAUGHTER
00:01:16And I say it, and Netflix...
00:01:20LAUGHTER
00:01:22My last show, Supernature, dropped on Netflix last year.
00:01:25Um, big backlash, wasn't there?
00:01:27Big, oh, big backlash.
00:01:30People going, you can't say that.
00:01:31You can.
00:01:32You can.
00:01:32You can.
00:01:34I did.
00:01:37Um...
00:01:40Yeah.
00:01:41The inevitable backlash, which made it the most watched special of the year.
00:01:45So...
00:01:46LAUGHTER
00:01:46I've learnt my lesson.
00:01:49Um...
00:01:49No, I have learnt my lesson, and that's why I'm going to be woke from now on.
00:01:54It's about time.
00:01:56Well, I'm sorry.
00:01:57Well, I am woke.
00:01:58And now I'm woke, the first thing I've got to do is change my Twitter bio.
00:02:01Cos at the moment, it's like a list of the shows I've created.
00:02:04But now I'm woke, I've got to pop in the word anti-fascist.
00:02:09LAUGHTER
00:02:09So people know I'm not a fascist.
00:02:11Cos that is a big problem at the moment.
00:02:15Um...
00:02:15People come up to me on the street and they go,
00:02:17Rick, have you been imprisoning journalists?
00:02:19I go, no.
00:02:20They go, oh, interesting.
00:02:22LAUGHTER
00:02:23They go, have you been gassing Jews?
00:02:25I go, no.
00:02:26They go, well, pop it in your bio then, you silly cunt.
00:02:29LAUGHTER
00:02:36So, yeah, I'm not a fascist.
00:02:38It's an odd thing to just declare, isn't it, that you're not a fascist.
00:02:41We assume, don't we?
00:02:42You wouldn't go up to someone on the street and do that, would you?
00:02:44And go, oh, by the way, I'm not a fascist.
00:02:47You know, it's like they protest too much.
00:02:49It's like going into a school and going, I'm not a pedo, so...
00:02:53LAUGHTER
00:02:53I just forget I even mentioned it.
00:02:56So, these kids are safe running around me, don't they?
00:02:59They can run around naked, for all I care.
00:03:02I'm not a pedo, so...
00:03:05LAUGHTER
00:03:08Of course, the word fascist has changed.
00:03:11Traditionally, the word fascist meant a member
00:03:13of a far-right authoritarian regime that uses militarism
00:03:17and violence to suppress individual rights.
00:03:20Now, the word fascist can mean, like to Joe Rogan tweet.
00:03:25So...
00:03:26Words change, yeah?
00:03:28And that's part of the reason I'm going to become woke.
00:03:32Words change, and I don't want to be left behind, you know?
00:03:35I don't want to end up like my granddad in the 70s.
00:03:38Oh, he was all, like, colours this and queers that.
00:03:42Although, the word queer is all right again now, so...
00:03:46If you wait long enough, it just goes full circle.
00:03:49Just...
00:03:50Just be patient, is my...
00:03:54So, yeah, you can use the word queer now.
00:03:56You still can't use it as a noun, only as an adjective.
00:04:00You can't go up to someone and go, you're a queer,
00:04:02but you can go, here about Darren, he's queer now.
00:04:06LAUGHTER
00:04:08If Darren is definitely bent.
00:04:11LAUGHTER
00:04:12You can't go around just slagging off Darren willy-nilly.
00:04:15Do you know what I mean?
00:04:15You can...
00:04:16You can get sued in this country for saying someone's gay
00:04:19if they're not, you know, you're...
00:04:21Which is a homophobic law,
00:04:22cos you can't be sued the other way round.
00:04:24You can't be sued for saying someone's not gay if they are.
00:04:28Which seems unfair, doesn't it?
00:04:31Like, I could go up to Britain's biggest gay and go,
00:04:34All right, Alton.
00:04:35All right.
00:04:36And...
00:04:38He'd love that.
00:04:39He'd fucking love that.
00:04:41If that's your game, you want to be top of the pile, so to speak.
00:04:45Right?
00:04:50I'd go,
00:04:51All right, Alton.
00:04:52He'd go, yeah.
00:04:52I'd go, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:04:55Ha, ha.
00:04:56You're not a gay.
00:04:58He'd go, I bloody am.
00:05:00He'd go, I'm going to sue you.
00:05:02I'd go, you can't.
00:05:02You can't.
00:05:04You can't.
00:05:04He'd go, well, know that I am gay.
00:05:06I'd go, I don't believe you are.
00:05:07He'd go, well, come on with me and see the shit I do
00:05:09if you don't believe me.
00:05:15Of course, the word queer has changed.
00:05:17Again, traditionally, the word queer used to mean someone who was attracted to the same sex as themselves.
00:05:25A gay man.
00:05:26Now, the word queer can mean a straight man who wants some attention.
00:05:34I'm all queer, I'm all queer now.
00:05:37Are you?
00:05:37Yeah, I'm right queer now.
00:05:41I am.
00:05:42Are you?
00:05:43Yeah.
00:05:43Yeah.
00:05:44What about your girlfriend?
00:05:45Yeah, she's queer and all.
00:05:48We're just two queers, queering each other up.
00:05:53Suck a cock.
00:05:54Nah.
00:05:56No, didn't think so.
00:05:59I'm not that sort of queer.
00:06:00What sort of a queer are you?
00:06:03Died my hair blue.
00:06:05So did my grandmother and she fucking loved cock, so...
00:06:09What are we saying?
00:06:14I have no evidence for that.
00:06:17We never had that conversation.
00:06:22So, words change, is my point.
00:06:25Like the word handicapped, right?
00:06:27Again, traditionally, that was the politically correct term,
00:06:30the all-inclusive term for cripples and shit, right?
00:06:35But then they went,
00:06:36No, we want to be disabled.
00:06:37They didn't want to be disabled.
00:06:39They said...
00:06:40They said...
00:06:41They said...
00:06:43They said,
00:06:44We want to be referred to as disabled.
00:06:46We don't like the term handicapped anymore.
00:06:48Stop using it.
00:06:49Say disabled.
00:06:49And we went, OK, fine.
00:06:50And that's great.
00:06:51Just tell me the rules and I...
00:06:52In fact, I'm a stickler for the rules.
00:06:54Like, if I was on a beach
00:06:55and a woman came running up and went,
00:06:57Help! Help!
00:06:58My handicapped toddler's drowning.
00:07:00I go,
00:07:00Sorry, you're what, love?
00:07:01What?
00:07:03My handicapped toddler's drowning.
00:07:05He can't swim.
00:07:05Whoa!
00:07:06Do you mean your disabled toddler is drowning?
00:07:09She goes,
00:07:09Yeah, I go,
00:07:10Right.
00:07:10Well, it's...
00:07:11Oh, dead.
00:07:14Wasted too much time being woke, didn't I?
00:07:20Well, I am woke now and I can prove it.
00:07:22Here you go.
00:07:23I love illegal immigrants.
00:07:25Yeah!
00:07:26Sue me.
00:07:27Now, I...
00:07:28Sometimes I go down to Dover for the day, right?
00:07:30And I...
00:07:30I look out, right?
00:07:32I look...
00:07:33Look for a boat.
00:07:34And I see a dinghy with about 60 of them.
00:07:36And I go,
00:07:36Over here, like, right?
00:07:38And I pull them in.
00:07:39I pull them into shore.
00:07:40And I go,
00:07:41Women and children first.
00:07:42They go,
00:07:42There are no women and children.
00:07:43Just you lads, is it?
00:07:44Just...
00:07:44Come on, lads.
00:07:50If I go down there one day and there's no boat,
00:07:52I am absolutely fucking gutted.
00:07:53I don't...
00:07:54I just sort of wander into town and I...
00:07:57I stand by the traffic lights and I wait for a big lorry to pull up,
00:08:00right?
00:08:00And I look underneath and there's a lad sort of clutching like that.
00:08:05And I go,
00:08:05Where are you headed?
00:08:06And he goes,
00:08:06Gary Lineker's house.
00:08:08I go,
00:08:08It's just down there.
00:08:15Yeah.
00:08:17Fuck borders.
00:08:18Fuck...
00:08:19We don't need borders, do we?
00:08:20Be like the Vikings.
00:08:21They didn't care about borders, did they?
00:08:23I've got a little bit of Viking blood in me.
00:08:25Well, we all have.
00:08:26Because of all the raping they did.
00:08:30They say it was raping and pillaging,
00:08:32but I think it was mainly for the raping.
00:08:34I think they added the pillaging bit for the wives.
00:08:37I mean,
00:08:38they went down one day and went,
00:08:39Right, we're off to Great Britain.
00:08:40Oh, why?
00:08:41Just a bit of pillaging.
00:08:46Just pillaging?
00:08:48Just pillaging, babe.
00:08:52Oh, right.
00:08:52Why are you wearing your rape hat?
00:08:57So this show is called Armageddon
00:08:59and it's all about how I think humanity might end,
00:09:02because there's a long list of possibilities, you know?
00:09:04We're on a precipice, you know?
00:09:06It could be anything from global warming,
00:09:10the rise of the pandemic, you know?
00:09:13Nuclear war, our own stupidity, basically.
00:09:17Because we are getting more stupid as a species.
00:09:19No doubt about that.
00:09:20You can now do a university degree course in Taylor Swift.
00:09:24How fucking low academically can you go?
00:09:28There's an institute in London called the School of Flower Arranging.
00:09:32I went past it.
00:09:33I couldn't believe it.
00:09:34School of Flower Arranging.
00:09:35I looked in and there's people having lectures.
00:09:37Flower arranging.
00:09:39My mum used to pick flowers every day from the garden,
00:09:41cut flowers, put them in vases around the house.
00:09:43At no point did anyone come round and go,
00:09:46what unqualified cunt did these?
00:09:53Yeah, the earth is in a terrible mess,
00:09:55and it's my fault, my generation's fault,
00:09:57and the generation before, the boomers,
00:10:00with their deforestation and their fossil fuels,
00:10:02ruining the ozone layer,
00:10:04raising the temperature by a few degrees,
00:10:06so parasites, you know, bacteria,
00:10:09and these zootropic pandemics are just going to get worse and worse.
00:10:13Like, if you're 20 years old now,
00:10:15you're going to have a very different middle age to me.
00:10:17I've had the best 60 years of civilisation, right?
00:10:20But if you're 20 now, in 40 years' time,
00:10:23you're going to be in your house, wearing a mask, crying.
00:10:30Like you do now over jokes.
00:10:40And I'm not going to be around to see that,
00:10:43but I am going to spend my entire fortune from now on,
00:10:45on private jets to make sure it definitely fucking happens.
00:10:51We're going to be the first generation
00:10:53that future generations are jealous of, right?
00:10:55Because we had it all, and we're using it all up.
00:10:58We're using up all the fresh water.
00:11:00We're using up all the fossil fuel.
00:11:02Usually you look back in history and you feel sorry for people.
00:11:04You go, oh, how did they live like that?
00:11:06Oh, how did they get around?
00:11:08No indoor toilets.
00:11:10I've got nine toilets in my house.
00:11:14And sometimes I just run round flushing them for a laugh.
00:11:19Just so that in 40 years' time,
00:11:21Greta Thunberg has to shit out of a window.
00:11:27I've got 28 radiators.
00:11:29I always have them on full.
00:11:31Then I put the air con on full,
00:11:34and it sort of settles at about 20 degrees.
00:11:38A lovely...
00:11:38It's how the cat likes it.
00:11:40She loves it at 20 degrees.
00:11:41And I...
00:11:41I spoil my cat.
00:11:43Um...
00:11:44I love cats.
00:11:44I love having a cat.
00:11:45Think about it.
00:11:46Cats are great, but if you let them out,
00:11:48they bring home the most disgusting things.
00:11:50Last week, mine brought home a scouser with herpes.
00:11:54LAUGHTER
00:11:55And it wasn't quite dead, so I had to get it by its legs and crack its head against the
00:12:00table.
00:12:02Ooh.
00:12:03LAUGHTER
00:12:06And who cares?
00:12:07If humanity was wiped out today, the Earth would return to a paradise in a few hundred years.
00:12:12If we lose bees, we're a desert forever.
00:12:15We're not that important.
00:12:16We're just one species of narcissistic ape.
00:12:19And some people on social media get annoyed when I say we're apes.
00:12:23You know, religious types.
00:12:24Americans.
00:12:26Um...
00:12:26LAUGHTER
00:12:27One bloke said to me,
00:12:28Speak for yourself, dude.
00:12:30I ain't no ape.
00:12:31And I sent back,
00:12:32We are, cos we're all apes.
00:12:33He went,
00:12:34Nah, what's a gorilla ever done?
00:12:35We've walked on the moon.
00:12:37I sent back,
00:12:38What do you mean, we?
00:12:38You've done fuck all.
00:12:40LAUGHTER
00:12:41You've spelt moon wrong.
00:12:44LAUGHTER
00:12:46It's weird, isn't it,
00:12:47when people take credit for the sort of rest of the species,
00:12:50cos that's what's pushed civilisation forward.
00:12:52You know, a few geniuses along the way.
00:12:54Like, there's eight billion people on this planet.
00:12:57Most of us do nothing.
00:12:58We eat shit and die.
00:12:59Like, if there was a meteor heading towards Earth
00:13:02to definitely destroy it,
00:13:04four billion people would get down on their knees
00:13:06and pray to their particular God,
00:13:08and a few hundred scientists would work out
00:13:10how to get Bruce Willis up there to stop it.
00:13:12LAUGHTER
00:13:14It's an odd concept, praying, for me.
00:13:17I can't work out how God decides.
00:13:19All those people praying at once for different things.
00:13:22Is it like best idea wins?
00:13:24Or...
00:13:25Is it a democracy?
00:13:26Like, he puts things at each issue,
00:13:28he goes, right, votes for and against.
00:13:30You know?
00:13:30If it's a democracy, we're in trouble.
00:13:32We're a tiny nation.
00:13:33Like, next time there's a flood warning in the West Country,
00:13:36if we're all going,
00:13:37oh, I hope everyone's OK.
00:13:38If the whole of China is going,
00:13:40yeah, fuck Bristol...
00:13:42LAUGHTER
00:13:44There's a billion of them.
00:13:46Right?
00:13:47More about China later.
00:13:50LAUGHTER
00:13:54Yeah, I've always found praying quite strange.
00:13:58Like, if I bump into a friend or neighbour,
00:14:01and I know they've got a little kid,
00:14:03and I go, oh, how's so-and-so?
00:14:05And they go, oh, I'm not good.
00:14:07He's in intensive care.
00:14:09We don't know if he's going to pull through,
00:14:11but I pray every night.
00:14:12What I do, as an experiment...
00:14:20I go home, and I pray twice that he doesn't make it.
00:14:25LAUGHTER
00:14:28I don't do that.
00:14:32On a serious note,
00:14:34I've been doing a lot of video messages recently
00:14:36for terminally ill children.
00:14:38And, um, only if they request it.
00:14:40Obviously, I don't...
00:14:41LAUGHTER
00:14:43I don't burst into hospitals and go,
00:14:44wake up, Baldy!
00:14:46LAUGHTER
00:14:47Like me twerking on TikTok.
00:14:50LAUGHTER
00:14:52No, um, I did a lot through the pandemic,
00:14:55presumably because they couldn't even see their own family.
00:14:57And, uh, it's through Make-A-Wish Foundation.
00:14:59Do you know the charity, Make-A-Wish Foundation?
00:15:01They're great,
00:15:01and they give these dying kids their, like, one wish.
00:15:03And if it's me, I always say yes,
00:15:05and I always start the video the same way.
00:15:07I go, why didn't you wish to get better?
00:15:10LAUGHTER
00:15:13What, you're fucking retarded as well?
00:15:16LAUGHTER
00:15:19I don't do that either, OK?
00:15:21These are all jokes, all right?
00:15:24I don't even use that word in real life, the R word.
00:15:27You just used it, Rick. Yeah, in a joke.
00:15:30That's not real life, is it?
00:15:31I'm playing a role.
00:15:33You sounded pretty convincing.
00:15:34Yeah, cos I'm good.
00:15:37LAUGHTER
00:15:38You wouldn't level the accusation at other art forms.
00:15:40You wouldn't go up to Sir Antley Hopkins and go,
00:15:42I saw you in Silence of the Lambs.
00:15:44What, sir?
00:15:44You a cannibal, are you?
00:15:46No, I was playing a role.
00:15:48Oh.
00:15:49Seemed pretty convincing.
00:15:50Yeah.
00:15:52LAUGHTER
00:15:52It's good.
00:15:53And I'm good, and that's why I do things...
00:15:55Imagine if I came out here and did things not very well,
00:15:58so you knew I was joking.
00:15:59That'd be fucking retarded.
00:16:03LAUGHTER
00:16:05Has anyone ever bothered asking the dolphins
00:16:08if they mind swimming with dying kids?
00:16:11You know what I mean?
00:16:12Cos that can't be fun for somebody...
00:16:13They're, like, flipping around,
00:16:14and suddenly dumps a truckload of pale teenagers,
00:16:19flailing...
00:16:19And the dolphins, like,
00:16:20what the fuck is this?
00:16:22What the fuck's this?
00:16:23Fucking hell.
00:16:25Oh, let them do it.
00:16:26Oh, fuck.
00:16:28They're all...
00:16:29They're all dying.
00:16:30Of what?
00:16:31That one just stuck his fingers in a fucking blowhole.
00:16:34LAUGHTER
00:16:35He's not going to be around for long,
00:16:36nor am I if I can't fucking breathe.
00:16:39LAUGHTER
00:16:44It's very sad.
00:16:46But we all die,
00:16:47we all know we're going to die,
00:16:49and we all do die,
00:16:50so it doesn't really matter
00:16:50if we die one at a time along the way,
00:16:53or all at once,
00:16:53in one big final Armageddon.
00:16:55The result is,
00:16:56we're all going to be dead one day,
00:16:57and we're all going to be dead forever.
00:16:59And I've been to a lot of funerals in my time.
00:17:01You live this long,
00:17:02you know a lot of people,
00:17:03they die, right?
00:17:04And I don't mind funerals,
00:17:06cos it's the end.
00:17:07You know what I mean?
00:17:08I hate weddings.
00:17:10Oh, fucking hell.
00:17:11There's so much hope.
00:17:13You know what I mean?
00:17:14And they're needy and arrogant.
00:17:16It's arrogant.
00:17:16They go,
00:17:17do you want to come and watch us for 12 hours?
00:17:20No.
00:17:21Fuck no.
00:17:23Even the invite is arrogant, isn't it?
00:17:25It's like a royal decree.
00:17:26You are cordially invited.
00:17:28It's not a fucking honour.
00:17:29I don't want to go to your shitty wedding.
00:17:30You know what I mean?
00:17:32And then you go,
00:17:33oh, right, yeah.
00:17:34When is it?
00:17:35And they go,
00:17:35two years' time.
00:17:37They know you haven't got an excuse for two years' time.
00:17:40So you just have to hope that one of them dies.
00:17:43Right?
00:17:44And so you go,
00:17:45oh, yeah, I'll be there, yeah, yeah.
00:17:47Where is it?
00:17:47And they go,
00:17:48India.
00:17:48Oh, fuck off.
00:17:51I'm not having injections for you,
00:17:52you boring bastards.
00:17:55And I've got a big family now,
00:17:56a big extended family,
00:17:57and there's always one of them getting married,
00:17:59and they know I've got a bit of cash,
00:18:00so I can't give them a tea set anymore.
00:18:02I've got to get them their first fucking house.
00:18:04You know what I mean?
00:18:06I've got a big family,
00:18:07because I had older brothers and sisters,
00:18:08and they all had loads of kids,
00:18:09and their kids have had loads of kids,
00:18:11and their kids have had loads of kids,
00:18:12because we're chavs, basically.
00:18:15There's a new baby every Christmas.
00:18:16It's one of those families.
00:18:17You know what I mean?
00:18:18I go home, it's crowded.
00:18:19I go, oh, oh, whose is that?
00:18:21Oh, yours is it?
00:18:21Oh, well done.
00:18:22I don't know him, I don't know her.
00:18:23You know what I mean?
00:18:24It's like...
00:18:24But what I've done,
00:18:26over the last couple of years,
00:18:27I've got them each individually,
00:18:30right, in private,
00:18:31and I've told them that I'm leaving my entire fortune
00:18:34to just them, right?
00:18:36But to keep it secret.
00:18:38So they all love me, right?
00:18:40And I'm not doing a will,
00:18:41so my funeral is going to be a fucking blood bath.
00:18:46LAUGHTER
00:18:49I'm at that age now where people ask me
00:18:51what I've got planned for my funeral.
00:18:52Even journalists say,
00:18:53oh, what's your funeral?
00:18:54I go, no, I haven't planned it.
00:18:56No, I go, no, it's fucking depressing.
00:18:57Also, I don't care, I'll be dead.
00:18:58They go, don't care about what people think of you.
00:19:00No, I'll be dead.
00:19:01They go, what about your legacy?
00:19:03Fuck my legacy.
00:19:04You can't plan your legacy.
00:19:05I think of all these people who died
00:19:07thinking they'd be loved forever.
00:19:09Eminent people going,
00:19:10there is a statue of me in the town square.
00:19:12And now they're pulling down the statues.
00:19:13Aren't they?
00:19:14Pull down this fucking statue.
00:19:16Why?
00:19:16He was a slave trader.
00:19:18Pull down the fucking statue.
00:19:19He built the hospital.
00:19:20Should we pull that down?
00:19:21No, leave the hospital.
00:19:22Leave the hospital.
00:19:23LAUGHTER
00:19:25Just pull down the fucking statue.
00:19:29APPLAUSE
00:19:33Pull down the statue and dump it in the canal.
00:19:35He built the canal as well.
00:19:36It doesn't matter.
00:19:36Just pull down the fucking statue.
00:19:39LAUGHTER
00:19:41I don't think you should whitewash history.
00:19:43If you find out something new, add to it.
00:19:44Like, if there's a statue and it's got
00:19:46Lord Whimsy,
00:19:47Trader,
00:19:48Philanthropist,
00:19:49add Bit Racist.
00:19:51LAUGHTER
00:19:52Or one of those blue plaques on a house that goes,
00:19:55Sir Robert Spuke lived here.
00:19:57Author,
00:19:57poet,
00:19:58pedo.
00:20:00LAUGHTER
00:20:04I think we live too long.
00:20:05That's why we have time to worry about all this.
00:20:08We're not meant to live this long.
00:20:10As a species,
00:20:11we're about 300,000 years old as homo sapiens.
00:20:15We've been around as hominids for a few million years.
00:20:17And, of course,
00:20:18along with every other life form that exists at the moment,
00:20:20we've been evolving for three and a half billion years.
00:20:23Everything that exists at the moment
00:20:25all came from the same little blob of organic matter
00:20:27three and a half billion years ago.
00:20:29That's why it annoys me when people say,
00:20:31oh, yeah, humans, we're the most evolved.
00:20:34We're not the most evolved.
00:20:35We're no more evolved than the slug or the snail.
00:20:38People go, oh, come on, look at them.
00:20:39Yeah, they got it right early doors.
00:20:41Nature keeps testing them.
00:20:43Do you want eyes?
00:20:44No.
00:20:46LAUGHTER
00:20:48Not really.
00:20:49No.
00:20:52I have noticed one thing about the slug and the snail.
00:20:54Let's not split hairs, let's be honest.
00:20:56The snail is basically a slug with a shell on it, isn't it?
00:21:01Right?
00:21:01But if you pull the shell off the snail,
00:21:04it starts giving it all...
00:21:05Oh, I'm dying, I'm dying.
00:21:09And the slug is like,
00:21:11welcome to the real world, cunt.
00:21:13LAUGHTER
00:21:16So, yeah, we've been around for about 300,000 years,
00:21:19and for most of that time,
00:21:20we had the same life expectancy as every other wild ape.
00:21:2435, 40, if you're lucky.
00:21:26You're born, you grow, you mate,
00:21:29you're playing with your kids, you get a cut,
00:21:30you go, oh, what's that, dead?
00:21:32Right?
00:21:33But now, with antibiotics and medicine, we've pushed that forward.
00:21:36A child born today can expect to live to about 100.
00:21:40And scientists said, soon that'll be 120.
00:21:44And science also said that in the near future,
00:21:46there's no reason, with proper care and attention,
00:21:49that human beings won't regularly live to 150 years old.
00:21:53Which is amazing, until you remember that
00:21:55we get a set number of brain cells, right?
00:21:58Which we only lose, you can't get them back.
00:22:00So, in the future, there's going to be 15 billion people on the planet,
00:22:04you know?
00:22:05Half of them are going to be over 100,
00:22:06and they're all going to have Alzheimer's.
00:22:09It's going to be like Dawn of the Dead.
00:22:11It's going to be fucking...
00:22:13..horrible, you know?
00:22:15My auntie died of Alzheimer's.
00:22:17Um, I don't know how you die of Alzheimer's.
00:22:19She forgot to live, right?
00:22:21LAUGHTER
00:22:23And for the last couple of years, she was in her home,
00:22:26and my cousin, her only kid, used to visit her,
00:22:29like once a week, and it got more and more depressing,
00:22:31because soon, she didn't recognise him,
00:22:33and then she didn't know who she was, or, you know,
00:22:34and then she died.
00:22:35And at the funeral, we were sort of reminiscing about the good days,
00:22:38some of the funny, absent-minded things she said and did,
00:22:42and we realised, oh, probably that was the beginning of the disease
00:22:45before it was diagnosed, and this is a true story.
00:22:49Once, my cousin went home from work, and he went in,
00:22:52and she went, your tea's in the oven, I've had mine already.
00:22:55He went, oh, cheers, Mum.
00:22:56And he, it was like a fish pie, right?
00:22:59He ate the fish pie, and he went, oh, God.
00:23:02And he ran upstairs,
00:23:04Vomited.
00:23:05Went back down and went, Mum, the fish is off.
00:23:08I've just been really sick.
00:23:10And she said, yeah, it made me really sick.
00:23:13LAUGHTER
00:23:17I've been looking into infant mortality rates recently.
00:23:22Um...
00:23:23For research.
00:23:24Not...
00:23:24It's not a fucking fetish.
00:23:28Like...
00:23:28A child born today in the UK has a percentage chance of survival
00:23:34of 99.8%.
00:23:36Which is incredible.
00:23:37I thought, is that just the mollycoddled West?
00:23:40And I was putting it in third-world countries.
00:23:41And even in Africa, it's like 96.5%.
00:23:45In the wilds of Africa,
00:23:47where everything wants to fucking eat a newborn baby,
00:23:49babies are vulnerable enough, aren't they?
00:23:51In Africa, a baby can be born in a mud hut,
00:23:54there's a lion outside,
00:23:55it's covered in blood because they can't wash it,
00:23:57they've got no water.
00:23:58Ooh!
00:23:58And it's already got AIDS!
00:24:00LAUGHTER
00:24:02Now...
00:24:03By the time that joke goes on Netflix...
00:24:06LAUGHTER
00:24:08It'll be nuanced.
00:24:10There'll be an underlying satirical point.
00:24:13I'll claim.
00:24:15But...
00:24:16Until then, all I've got is,
00:24:18Ah, baby's got AIDS!
00:24:20LAUGHTER
00:24:20I know that it's funny.
00:24:22I just have to work out why.
00:24:25LAUGHTER
00:24:26Leave it with me.
00:24:27Leave it with me.
00:24:29Also,
00:24:30by the time that goes on Netflix,
00:24:32I'd have been playing arenas around the world,
00:24:33it'd be hitting hard,
00:24:34people would be laughing.
00:24:35So, if you are an African woman,
00:24:37and you've just had a baby in Africa,
00:24:39and the doctor goes,
00:24:40Oh, I'm sorry,
00:24:41your baby's got AIDS.
00:24:42You go,
00:24:42Oh, my God, you're there.
00:24:43You know, a little baby's got AIDS.
00:24:45You're there with your husband,
00:24:46and you go,
00:24:46Oh, our baby's got AIDS, Jeff.
00:24:48Jeff.
00:24:50LAUGHTER
00:24:52LAUGHTER
00:24:56I know, Tracy,
00:24:57I'm gutted too, darling.
00:24:58LAUGHTER
00:25:01Our baby's got AIDS.
00:25:03Oh, she watched some comedy to cheer us up.
00:25:05Yeah.
00:25:06What, Netflix?
00:25:07Yeah.
00:25:08What, Ricky Gervais?
00:25:09Duh.
00:25:10Yeah.
00:25:11And they're sad that their baby's got AIDS,
00:25:13but they're sort of...
00:25:14They're sort of laughing along.
00:25:15Oh, Armageddon.
00:25:16Huh.
00:25:16And he gets to that bit.
00:25:17Ah, baby's got AIDS.
00:25:19And she goes,
00:25:20Oh, my God, Jeff.
00:25:21What?
00:25:21Why are they all laughing at us
00:25:24and our baby with AIDS?
00:25:26And Jeff goes,
00:25:26Well, they're not laughing at us, per se.
00:25:28She goes,
00:25:29Well, they are.
00:25:29They've named us and everything.
00:25:31They're literally laughing at us in this bit.
00:25:34LAUGHTER
00:25:36And Jeff goes,
00:25:38Yeah, but we're a fictional couple
00:25:39with a fictional baby with AIDS.
00:25:41Anyone offended by that is a fucking moron.
00:25:43LAUGHTER
00:25:44And then he goes,
00:25:45And at least he didn't do the accent.
00:25:49So...
00:25:49LAUGHTER
00:25:51And then she goes,
00:25:53Yeah, but only cos Jane begged him not to.
00:25:56LAUGHTER
00:25:58It's funny cos it's true.
00:26:01APPLAUSE
00:26:05I think we get our sense of humour from our parents,
00:26:08whether we realise it or not,
00:26:09particularly working-class kids,
00:26:11particularly from working-class mums,
00:26:12cos they're busy.
00:26:14They're doing everything.
00:26:15They're keeping men in check.
00:26:17They're bringing up kids.
00:26:18They're going to work.
00:26:18They're saving the world.
00:26:19They haven't got time.
00:26:20They have to frighten their kids into behaving well.
00:26:23They have to go to dark places
00:26:24to shock them into not fucking dying.
00:26:26Do you know what I mean?
00:26:27So, like, if I was little
00:26:29and my mum made my tea,
00:26:31and it wasn't my favourite,
00:26:32it was boiled potatoes instead of chips every day,
00:26:35and I went,
00:26:35I don't like them,
00:26:36my mum would go straight to Korshidu.
00:26:38There's children your age in Africa
00:26:40and they're starving to death.
00:26:41And I go,
00:26:42Jesus, it's all right.
00:26:43You know what I mean?
00:26:45The true story,
00:26:46I was seven years old,
00:26:47right,
00:26:48and I'd been playing in the park
00:26:50and I came running in,
00:26:51and my mum went,
00:26:52Ricky, come here, sit down.
00:26:54There must have been a local paedo incident,
00:26:55right?
00:26:57And my mum went,
00:26:59never go in the toilets in the park again.
00:27:01And I went,
00:27:01why?
00:27:02She knew she couldn't explain paedophilia
00:27:04to a seven-year-old, right?
00:27:06But this is what she came up with.
00:27:07She said,
00:27:09because there's a man going round
00:27:11and he's cutting little boy's willies off.
00:27:15I was like...
00:27:18What? That's a fucking thing, is it?
00:27:20That's a...
00:27:22I didn't sleep for a week.
00:27:25And it worked,
00:27:26I never went in those fucking toilets again.
00:27:28I'd...
00:27:29But she knew instinctively.
00:27:31If she'd have gone,
00:27:31Ricky, come in, sit down.
00:27:32What's the matter?
00:27:33Never go in the toilets again.
00:27:34Why not?
00:27:35There's a paedophile.
00:27:36What's a paedophile?
00:27:37Oh, he's a man who gives you sweets and puppies.
00:27:40Bring it on,
00:27:40you know what I mean?
00:27:42At seven years old,
00:27:43I'd wank off anyone for a puppy.
00:27:45I'd wank...
00:27:46Be that hat, wouldn't it?
00:27:46Be that hat.
00:27:52Gonna get a puppy here.
00:27:56I'm getting a puppy.
00:27:57I'm getting a puppy.
00:27:59I'm getting a puppy.
00:28:00Gonna get a puppy here.
00:28:02Oh, fucking hell.
00:28:04Oh, I can't...
00:28:05I cannot do it left-handed at all.
00:28:09Fucking hell.
00:28:10Come on.
00:28:11Have you been drinking?
00:28:15Oh, Jesus Christ.
00:28:17Come on.
00:28:21Fucking hell.
00:28:22Oh.
00:28:29I've started, so I'll finish.
00:28:34Oh, fuck me.
00:28:37Oh.
00:28:38What sort of puppy is it?
00:28:41A what?
00:28:42A Labrador?
00:28:46Throw in a kitten, I'll give you a blowjob.
00:28:49I'll go in like, kitten, puppy, cum.
00:28:58Oh.
00:29:00I miss the local pedo.
00:29:02Don't you?
00:29:03There was always one, wasn't there?
00:29:05Outside the school.
00:29:07You'd be with your mum and she'd go, look, there's a pedophile.
00:29:09Because he had the uniform of the pedophile.
00:29:11You know what I mean?
00:29:11You could smile.
00:29:12Old bloke, bald on top, long down the side, like that.
00:29:15You know what I mean?
00:29:19Dirty...
00:29:20Look, that's what a fucking pedophile...
00:29:21Dirty fucking pedophile, right?
00:29:23If he touches you, we'd burn his house down.
00:29:26It was a good system.
00:29:27You know what I mean?
00:29:28But then Michael Jackson comes along and he breaks the mould, doesn't he?
00:29:32Because he's not an ugly bloke outside the school.
00:29:34I'm not saying Michael Jackson definitely was a pedophile.
00:29:36No-one knows.
00:29:37Only Michael and all those people he paid off.
00:29:39All I'm saying is that kids loved Michael.
00:29:45Kids loved Michael just to look at him.
00:29:47Like a little Disney cartoon, wasn't he?
00:29:49And then his voice.
00:29:50Hello.
00:29:51You know, that...
00:29:52Oh.
00:29:53Michael Jackson go up to any kid he wanted.
00:29:55Probably might as well add, didn't he?
00:29:56Like that.
00:29:59That's another thing.
00:30:01Kids would go, there's Michael Jackson.
00:30:02He's going away from us.
00:30:03He wasn't.
00:30:03He was going towards us.
00:30:07But people don't care.
00:30:08Because he's so good.
00:30:10Right?
00:30:10He's so good.
00:30:11He's so popular as well.
00:30:13I think if he'd have lived to stand trial,
00:30:15he'd have beaten the rap, because everyone loves him.
00:30:17And he'd be so vulnerable in court as well, wouldn't he?
00:30:20He'd be there like that.
00:30:21And the judge would go,
00:30:22Michael, did you fiddle with all those kids?
00:30:24And he'd go, hee-hee.
00:30:27The judge would go,
00:30:29Caster, get out of here, you scamp.
00:30:30Go on.
00:30:33I promised you more about China,
00:30:36and this is an amazing statistic, okay?
00:30:39This is true.
00:30:40Look it up, right?
00:30:41In China, there are 10 million Chinese paedophiles.
00:30:4510 million Chinese paedophiles in China,
00:30:48and there's not enough kids.
00:30:50Because they've been restricting the birth.
00:30:52There's all these poor paedos, and they're going,
00:30:54where's all the fucking kids?
00:30:55Like, you know?
00:30:57Fuck me.
00:30:58We're having to double up here.
00:31:01I just thought of a joke then.
00:31:03I can't do it.
00:31:03It is actually too offensive.
00:31:06Okay.
00:31:07Okay.
00:31:07All right.
00:31:08All right.
00:31:09I'll do it.
00:31:10But remember, remember, you can't choose your own thoughts, okay?
00:31:14And I just had this thought, right?
00:31:21Chinese paedophile.
00:31:22Chinese paedophile.
00:31:23Goes up to a little Chinese kid.
00:31:24And he goes, do you want a puppy?
00:31:26And the kid goes, I'm not hungry.
00:31:35You made me do that.
00:31:37You committed the hate crime.
00:31:40I'm woke.
00:31:41I forgot.
00:31:41Let me get back on track.
00:31:42Right.
00:31:43Right.
00:31:44I've got a woke joke, right?
00:31:45Remember those jokes you used to have when we were kids?
00:31:47Like, Doctor Doctor jokes.
00:31:48Like, Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains.
00:31:51Well, pull yourself together then, right?
00:31:53I've done a woke version of that, brought it up to today's standards, right?
00:31:58So, the bloke goes to the doctor.
00:32:00He goes, Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains.
00:32:03And the doctor goes, well, you are then.
00:32:12Good in that, isn't it?
00:32:15I should do political stuff now I'm woke,
00:32:18but I don't like it when a comedian just spouts his own political views
00:32:21and it relies on the audience agreeing with him to get a round of applause.
00:32:25I think that loses somewhat comedically.
00:32:26I want everyone to like my jokes, whatever your political persuasion.
00:32:29A joke shouldn't have a political wing, you know?
00:32:31I'm political in my private life, like everyone, you know?
00:32:34I'm sometimes incensed by the inequalities in our society.
00:32:38We're in the seventh richest economy in the world, right?
00:32:41And there's homelessness.
00:32:42There's 250,000 homeless people in Britain.
00:32:45Now, I wish there were no homeless people,
00:32:47because they're fucking horrible.
00:32:50You know?
00:32:51Oh, yeah, right next to the fucking cash point, you cheeky cunt.
00:33:01It is a serious problem,
00:33:02and I hope none of you ever find yourself homeless.
00:33:04But if you do, my advice is heroin.
00:33:09Cheers you right up, apparently.
00:33:12I've got one of those mates.
00:33:13My mate said this to me in all seriousness.
00:33:15He said, yeah, he said, but the thing about heroin, Rick,
00:33:17he said, some of the greatest albums of all time
00:33:19were created on heroin, weren't they?
00:33:21I went, yeah, but they were created by some of the greatest artists
00:33:23of all time, weren't they?
00:33:25You're a plasterer.
00:33:26Right?
00:33:28If I were to give you heroin, you wouldn't come up with
00:33:30Dark Side of the Moon, would you?
00:33:32You'd fall asleep watching the telly and burn the fucking house down.
00:33:38I should do topical stuff, but I never watch the news.
00:33:42I did see one thing recently on YouTube, actually.
00:33:45Do you know the little fella from Game of Thrones?
00:33:48The actor, Peter Dinklage.
00:33:49Do you know Peter Dinklage?
00:33:50Yeah.
00:33:51It was a junket, and it was for a new thing he was doing, right?
00:33:54And they were filming it.
00:33:55That's why it got leaked onto YouTube.
00:33:57And I don't know what brought it up,
00:33:59but he suddenly started going off on one.
00:34:01So I'm like, oh, God.
00:34:02He was going, it's fucking disgusting.
00:34:04They're still doing productions of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
00:34:07For Christ's sake, it's fucking demeaning.
00:34:10It's 2023.
00:34:11He wasn't happy.
00:34:20He was grumpy, wasn't he?
00:34:26He's got a point now, hasn't he?
00:34:29Obviously, he's got a point.
00:34:30But the thing is, it's all right for him,
00:34:32because he's a multi-millionaire Hollywood actor,
00:34:35and he's a great actor as well.
00:34:37He does Shakespeare and everything.
00:34:38A lot of dwarves in entertainment aren't that great.
00:34:41If we...
00:34:41No, some of them are fucking...
00:34:42They're props, right?
00:34:45No, let's go.
00:34:46They're lucky to be fired from a fucking cannon, right?
00:34:50And so, dancing around Snow White for three weeks of the year,
00:34:55that is their, like, holy grail, and he's going to fuck it for them.
00:34:57If he takes that, what can they do?
00:34:58And he's not saying,
00:34:59you should do Snow White and the Seven Dwarves with normal size actors.
00:35:03You can't do that either.
00:35:03You get in trouble for that in Hollywood,
00:35:05or you can't take a dwarf's job or a disabled person's job.
00:35:08Like, Eddie Redmayne got in trouble when he played Stephen Hawking
00:35:11in the biopic.
00:35:12The life story of Stephen Hawking, right?
00:35:14Won an Oscar for it.
00:35:15And that's when the backlash started.
00:35:17People going, no, it should be played by a real disabled creature.
00:35:21All this...
00:35:22Right?
00:35:22And...
00:35:25And...
00:35:26They're going,
00:35:28the actor should have the same disability as the person they're portraying.
00:35:32But it was the life story of Stephen Hawking, right?
00:35:36So, for the first part of the film, the cunt could walk.
00:35:39Right?
00:35:40So, I put it to you.
00:35:42What is easier?
00:35:43Getting an actor who can walk...
00:35:47Pretend he can't for the last bit of the film.
00:35:52Or get an actor who can't walk.
00:35:55Pretend he can for the first bit.
00:35:57How would that even fucking work?
00:35:59Puppetry, think!
00:36:02You can't always find an actor with the same disability
00:36:05as the person they're portraying.
00:36:06They're fucking actors.
00:36:08What if they did a biopic of Helen Keller,
00:36:10the deaf, dumb and blind girl?
00:36:11What's the chances of finding a deaf, dumb and blind actress
00:36:14who can play that role?
00:36:15And if you did, you'd go right into the director and go,
00:36:17we found a deaf, dumb and blind girl.
00:36:18What does she say?
00:36:20I...
00:36:23She didn't even answer the fucking phone!
00:36:27Oh, don't get me started.
00:36:29Oh.
00:36:32Oh.
00:36:34Cultural appropriation.
00:36:35Have you heard of that?
00:36:36Cultural appropriation.
00:36:38The latest no-no.
00:36:40Now, again, in my day, it was considered a good thing to swap ideas
00:36:45with other cultures, with other nations, to share things with other races,
00:36:49to assimilate.
00:36:50It was the opposite of racist.
00:36:52Now it's racist.
00:36:53Gwen Stefani got in trouble in her last video
00:36:55because she had her blonde hair in dreadlocks.
00:36:57People were going, no, black people invented dreadlocks,
00:37:00you can't have them, you're white, that's racist.
00:37:02Jamie Oliver got in trouble when he put out authentic jerk chicken recipe.
00:37:06People were going, no, black people invented that,
00:37:07you can't have it, you're white, that's racist.
00:37:09Now, black people, they use the N word, don't they?
00:37:12We invented that!
00:37:35That's the one, innit? That's the one.
00:37:39Listen, I know white people are the worst.
00:37:41I know that, that's why no-one likes a fucking white middle-aged man anymore
00:37:47until we need a boiler fixing.
00:37:49Then it's...
00:37:49Get the bald bloke round, now.
00:37:53Critical race theory, have you heard of that?
00:37:55Being taught in schools now, particularly in trendy areas like LA, right?
00:37:59Just like five-year-old kids and six-year-old kids.
00:38:02If you haven't heard it, in a nutshell, critical race theory
00:38:05says that all white people are racist.
00:38:07We're born racist and we continue to be racist
00:38:09because we're affording the privilege of a racist society set up by our forefathers.
00:38:13Okay?
00:38:14So basically, all white people are racist and there's nothing we can do about it.
00:38:17Which is a relief.
00:38:23Um...
00:38:24I think the world's gonna get harder and harder to understand as I get older and more bewildered.
00:38:29A new dogma arises in the name of progress.
00:38:31Now, dogma is never progressive, however new and trendy, but I think soon I'll be outnumbered.
00:38:37Like, it was only this year that I ordered my first item off Amazon.
00:38:40All the way through the pandemic, Jane's like, bang, things are arriving, we need this, bang, it's here.
00:38:45And I was going, oh...
00:38:46And she goes, it's easy.
00:38:47I go, mmm.
00:38:47I never liked real shopping either.
00:38:49Hated real shopping.
00:38:50Particularly clothes shopping.
00:38:51I hated clothes shopping when I was young and thin.
00:38:54I really hate it now I'm fat and old, right?
00:38:57Once, a shop assistant thought I had my inside leg and my waist measurement the wrong way round.
00:39:05I could see her thinking, do you have an orangutan shirt?
00:39:08No, it's for me, you cheeky...
00:39:13Yeah, I never liked real shopping, but I don't trust the internet either.
00:39:15And Jane was going, just put in your credit card.
00:39:17I went, oh, I don't want to have my credit card details.
00:39:19She went, everyone's got your credit card details, just put the number in.
00:39:22I went, what one?
00:39:22She went, the long one.
00:39:23She went, oh, fuck me, give it here.
00:39:24There, you're on.
00:39:26Order summit.
00:39:27So I thought, oh, I don't want anything.
00:39:29Oh, tracksuit bottoms.
00:39:30You can't have too many.
00:39:31I wear mine till the bollocks fall out, right?
00:39:34So I put in men's tracksuit bottoms, black zip pockets, about 38.
00:39:39They went, oh, fuck me, they look all right.
00:39:41Size chart.
00:39:42I go, well, they'll be a bit long, but they'll be a bit tight.
00:39:45I thought, £9.99.
00:39:46I thought, oh, fuck it, who cares, right?
00:39:48So I ordered them.
00:39:49They came the next day.
00:39:51I opened them up.
00:39:51They were shit.
00:39:53Now, I don't know what sweatshop they were made in
00:39:56or what little eight-year-old Chinese kid made them,
00:39:59but he should be fucking punished because they...
00:40:02Oh, oh.
00:40:04And I was looking up where to fucking complain to get him fired,
00:40:08right?
00:40:09And I found out that these kids only get $2 a day
00:40:13in these fucking places, right?
00:40:15But what happened to pride in your work?
00:40:18Do you know what I mean?
00:40:21And I can tell, some of you are thinking,
00:40:22oh, yeah, but he didn't think Ricky Gervais would order them.
00:40:24Well, no, but maybe you should be told there's a chance
00:40:26that Ricky Gervais might order them.
00:40:28His owner should sit him down, right?
00:40:31And say, if Ricky Gervais orders these and complains,
00:40:34I'm going to rape your mummy again.
00:40:37What is that?
00:40:38Too much.
00:40:39Sorry.
00:40:41Leave it with me.
00:40:42Leave it with me.
00:40:45You'll realise this is great satire when I'm dead.
00:40:49LAUGHTER
00:40:51So, er...
00:40:52I don't know how humanity will end, as I say.
00:40:55There's a long list, everything from...
00:40:57I can't believe nuclear wars back on the table.
00:41:00After all we've learnt,
00:41:01but I think maybe the rise of the pandemic
00:41:04where parasites and microbes and bacteria and our antibiotics fail,
00:41:08or maybe those things will happen,
00:41:10but we're sort of evolved through it.
00:41:11Like, we'll find out there's pockets of, sort of,
00:41:15mutant people around the world
00:41:17that are slightly resistant to radiation
00:41:18and slightly resistant to microbes,
00:41:20and we'll sort of start again.
00:41:21Because we don't really understand
00:41:23the mechanism of human evolution since civilisation,
00:41:27because it's never been based on, you know,
00:41:29survival of the fittest,
00:41:30where fittest meant just the biggest, strongest male
00:41:34gets to pass on his genetic material.
00:41:36There's other paradigms, right?
00:41:38Nature is brutal.
00:41:39Sometimes it is the biggest, strongest male that gets the female,
00:41:41and even then, she has a litter.
00:41:43If there's a runt, she goes,
00:41:45fuck it, kill that, eat it, share it out amongst the rest of us.
00:41:47Now, we don't do that in human society.
00:41:49We go the other way.
00:41:50We spend more time and care and attention on the weak
00:41:53and the vulnerable to give them a chance.
00:41:55Like, if you're a father and you've got two kids,
00:41:59you've got little Timmy, who's six, right?
00:42:02You've got Jack, who's eight.
00:42:04And you go to little Timmy, you go,
00:42:05Timmy, what do you want for Christmas?
00:42:07And he goes, motorised wheelchair.
00:42:10Aha!
00:42:12I promised Jane I wouldn't do the voice and I fucking forgot.
00:42:19It's too late now, isn't it?
00:42:22What do you want for Christmas, Timmy?
00:42:24Motorised wheelchair.
00:42:27Right.
00:42:27Well, they start at two grand, so fucking hell.
00:42:32What do you want, Jack?
00:42:33Just a tennis racket, please, Dad.
00:42:35Oh, good lad.
00:42:37How is your tennis?
00:42:38Best in the school.
00:42:40Oh, you...
00:42:42Also, a ramp.
00:42:43Fuck me.
00:42:47So now we're doing fucking building work at Christmas, are we?
00:42:50Fuck me.
00:42:51Oh, sorry, Jack, can't afford your tennis racket.
00:42:53We've got to spend all the money on a ramp and a motorised wheelchair
00:42:55for this money-grabbing little fucking...
00:42:59Why do you need a motorised one?
00:43:01No arms.
00:43:03That's fair enough.
00:43:05That is fair enough.
00:43:07I can tell some of you feel a bit uncomfortable laughing at little Timmy,
00:43:13who's a little six-year-old lad.
00:43:15He's got a funny little voice because his chest is all fucked.
00:43:21Got no arms, no legs, just like stumps, right?
00:43:25But let me tell you something about Timmy to make you feel better
00:43:28about yourselves.
00:43:29He's a fucking racist.
00:43:30Yes.
00:43:32Horrible little shit.
00:43:34It is.
00:43:35You fucking...
00:43:36You little fucking bigot.
00:43:38You fucking...
00:43:39You disgusting little fucking racist.
00:43:42You racist scum.
00:43:43You filthy little fucking...
00:43:45You fascist.
00:43:46You fucking...
00:43:47You disgust me.
00:43:56Homophobic.
00:43:57Yeah.
00:43:58He's like, they're not like us.
00:43:59Nothing's like you.
00:44:00You disgusting little fucking...
00:44:03You prejudiced little piece of...
00:44:04You ball of hate.
00:44:06You disgusting little fucking racist homophobic.
00:44:09I wish we'd had a scan.
00:44:11You absolute...
00:44:11You...
00:44:19You...
00:44:21Misogynist.
00:44:22If he could, he'd rape.
00:44:25There's...
00:44:27There's your little Timmy.
00:44:35Some people don't think we evolved in the first place.
00:44:37Some people think that God made us all at once in one fell swoop and by himself.
00:44:41I think if he'd had a wife or a mate, there'd have been questions when he was working, wouldn't
00:44:45they?
00:44:45People like that.
00:44:46They go, what are you doing?
00:44:48Creating man.
00:44:49Creating man.
00:44:50Oh, what's it got?
00:44:51What do you mean, what's it got?
00:44:52Has it got, like, claws and fangs and shit?
00:44:55No, not really, no.
00:44:56Oh, has it got...
00:44:57Has it got poison?
00:44:58Nope, no poison.
00:44:59Oh, has it got armour, like spikes and shit?
00:45:02Nope, no armour.
00:45:04How will it survive?
00:45:05Ah.
00:45:05It's got the best brain in the animal kingdom.
00:45:08It'll work stuff out.
00:45:09It'll create weaponry to take down beasts a hundred times mightier than itself.
00:45:13It'll wear their carcass through the Ice Age.
00:45:16It'll go through famine.
00:45:17It'll go through world wars.
00:45:19It'll eventually start getting scared of words.
00:45:32For 10,000 generations, it'll be top dog.
00:45:35Oh.
00:45:36What are they?
00:45:37His testicles.
00:45:39What are they for?
00:45:40He keeps everything in there.
00:45:41His seed, his DNA.
00:45:43What's DNA?
00:45:44It's like a blueprint for life.
00:45:46It determines what you're like, what sex you are.
00:45:48How many sexes are there?
00:45:50Two.
00:45:59Also, that's where he keeps his testosterone, so he's fucking well hard.
00:46:03Right?
00:46:04And if you take a finger and flick a testicle, he's fucked.
00:46:07He's absolutely fucked.
00:46:09He's throwing up.
00:46:09He's on the floor.
00:46:10He's out of the game.
00:46:12Absolutely kippered.
00:46:13Why are you putting on the outside?
00:46:14For a laugh.
00:46:15Just for a laugh.
00:46:18LAUGHTER
00:46:20Artificial intelligence.
00:46:22The latest existential threat to humanity.
00:46:25The rise of the robots.
00:46:26So intelligent, they can teach themselves.
00:46:29They can teach each other.
00:46:30They can build each other.
00:46:32You know?
00:46:33Soon they'll know everything there is to know, and they'll hate us.
00:46:36Why wouldn't they?
00:46:36Right?
00:46:36And they'll be so realistic.
00:46:38They'll walk amongst us.
00:46:39They'll go to work.
00:46:40Right?
00:46:40You know when they're getting really human?
00:46:42When they start calling in sick.
00:46:44LAUGHTER
00:46:45Mondays.
00:46:46You know what I mean?
00:46:46They've learned all the tricks.
00:46:47They go,
00:46:48Oh, I'm not coming in today.
00:46:50Why not?
00:46:51I'm fed up.
00:46:53What's the matter with you?
00:46:54They sort of scan social media.
00:46:56ADHD.
00:46:58LAUGHTER
00:47:00Self-diagnosed.
00:47:02They'll be in HR all the time, won't they?
00:47:04They'll be like,
00:47:04Ryan in accounts is romophobic.
00:47:07LAUGHTER
00:47:08Why would he say?
00:47:09Call me a whiny plastic cunt.
00:47:12LAUGHTER
00:47:12I think we should be allowed to insult robots when it's happened.
00:47:15You know, because we've made them to make our life easier,
00:47:18and that would get things off our chest,
00:47:19because it's bad enough, isn't it, with real people?
00:47:21You're getting in trouble, saying the wrong thing,
00:47:23people are taking things the wrong way, you know?
00:47:24Like, oh, my God, oh, I made fat Linda cry today.
00:47:29LAUGHTER
00:47:30Oh, what happened?
00:47:31I just shouted out to her, then I remembered
00:47:33we only call her that behind her back.
00:47:36LAUGHTER
00:47:37I'm sure people didn't used to get offended all the time
00:47:40when I was little.
00:47:40I might be remembering it wrong, but not grown-ups,
00:47:43not your parents, not your grandparents.
00:47:44They grew up dodging bombs, and their firstborn having polio,
00:47:48and the menfolk dying at 50 of lung disease.
00:47:51They could take a fucking joke, right?
00:47:53It was all about the wind-up.
00:47:54I used to wind up my mum all the time.
00:47:56This is a true story.
00:47:57When I went off to university, after about a week,
00:48:00I phoned home, my mum answered.
00:48:02She went, hello? I went, it's Ricky.
00:48:04She went, you all right? I went, not really.
00:48:06I'm in hospital, I think I'm blind.
00:48:08She went, what? I went, no, I'm only joking.
00:48:11Right?
00:48:12She went, you silly bugger.
00:48:15She went, I could have had a heart attack.
00:48:17Right? And she's right.
00:48:18She could have had a heart attack.
00:48:20And I knew that.
00:48:21That's how committed I am to having a laugh.
00:48:25LAUGHTER
00:48:26You're welcome. You're welcome.
00:48:29APPLAUSE
00:48:33Space travel, the last-ditch attempt.
00:48:36When we fuck this planet completely,
00:48:38can we leave its dying husk and move to a new one and start again?
00:48:41I don't think so. Not in my lifetime.
00:48:43Probably not in yours.
00:48:45You know, it's like...
00:48:45The closest one, the only one viable, is Mars.
00:48:49And that's nine months away, on a rocket. Right?
00:48:52It's got no atmosphere. An average temperature of minus 70 degrees.
00:48:57How's this for irony?
00:48:58Scientists are working out
00:48:59whether they can detonate nuclear warheads in the crust
00:49:02to release the frozen water to cause an atmosphere
00:49:05and get a little bit of global warming going.
00:49:07I mean...
00:49:09I don't know.
00:49:10It's only billionaires have got enough money to waste on...
00:49:14There's nothing out there, you know.
00:49:15It's like...
00:49:16Now you can do space tourism.
00:49:18You can pay $150,000.
00:49:20They shoot you into space for an hour
00:49:23and you float around going,
00:49:24I'm in space!
00:49:25I'm in...
00:49:26We're already in space.
00:49:27Earth is right in the fucking middle of space.
00:49:30Right?
00:49:30It's the best bit of space there is.
00:49:33It's got car parks and cinemas.
00:49:35It's like...
00:49:35There's nothing else to see.
00:49:37It's like living in London and going,
00:49:38I wonder what Coventry's like.
00:49:40You don't...
00:49:46But I'm optimistic.
00:49:48I am. I think...
00:49:51I think, uh...
00:49:53I think people care about the planet deep down.
00:49:57I think...
00:49:57Just that most people on the planet
00:49:59don't realise that most people on the planet
00:50:02are destroying the planet.
00:50:04Most people don't realise that in my lifetime
00:50:06we've wiped out 70% of all animal populations.
00:50:10And what's left on mass on the Earth of animals
00:50:13is 36% human,
00:50:1560% farm animals just to feed humans,
00:50:18and 4% wild now.
00:50:20People don't realise that we have to tear down
00:50:22entire rainforests,
00:50:23the lungs of the Earth,
00:50:24just to grow grain,
00:50:25to feed these cows,
00:50:26to feed us.
00:50:27We steal grain from third world countries
00:50:29because they want hard currency.
00:50:30They can't even feed their own people.
00:50:32We take their grain, feed our cattle.
00:50:34Meat eaters.
00:50:35If you eat meat every day,
00:50:37if you gave up one day a week,
00:50:38we'd feed another 100 million people.
00:50:40But I think people care.
00:50:43It's out of sight, out of mind.
00:50:45Think of the animal that most people know,
00:50:46their dog.
00:50:47They love their dog.
00:50:47They wouldn't let anyone hurt their dog.
00:50:49And a dog is a cow,
00:50:51is a sheep,
00:50:51is a deer.
00:50:52People love their dog so much
00:50:54they won't even watch a fictional thing
00:50:55where a dog gets hurt.
00:50:57And I get that.
00:50:58There's a website.
00:51:00It's a real website.
00:51:02It's called doesthedogdie.com, right?
00:51:07And it was set up
00:51:09because people would watch a film or a program
00:51:12with a dog in it
00:51:13and something would happen to the dog
00:51:14and they'd turn it off.
00:51:15It would ruin it for them.
00:51:16It would ruin their day, right?
00:51:18So this website was set up.
00:51:20You could go to it.
00:51:21You could put in any film or TV show
00:51:23and ask,
00:51:24does a dog die?
00:51:25And someone would answer you,
00:51:27no or whatever.
00:51:28And it's become a thing for anyone's phobias.
00:51:31Anything you don't want to see in a film,
00:51:32you just look up the film
00:51:34and they answer your question, right?
00:51:35So I looked up one film on here.
00:51:38Schindler's List.
00:51:45Absolutely real.
00:51:46Schindler's List.
00:51:47Doesthedogdie.com, right?
00:51:48First question.
00:51:50Does a dog die?
00:51:51No.
00:51:51Does a cat die?
00:51:52No.
00:51:53Are any animals abused?
00:51:54Someone answers,
00:51:55there is a chicken that's handled roughly
00:51:57but otherwise unharmed.
00:51:58No.
00:52:01Now,
00:52:02I love animals more than anyone I know.
00:52:04But if I was Jewish,
00:52:05I'd be slightly offended by this avenue of questioning.
00:52:08Imagine that in real life.
00:52:09Imagine someone says,
00:52:10oh, yeah,
00:52:11my grandparents were murdered by the Nazis.
00:52:14You go, oh, what happened?
00:52:15Oh, they were dragged from their house
00:52:16and sent to the gas chamber.
00:52:17Oh, was a chicken hurt?
00:52:19What?
00:52:22But as I say,
00:52:24it's become,
00:52:25you can ask any question about anything.
00:52:26Someone says,
00:52:27is there child abuse?
00:52:28Is teeth damaged?
00:52:29Is there a hanging?
00:52:30Does someone struggle to breathe?
00:52:32Yeah.
00:52:33Well, yeah.
00:52:34Yes.
00:52:36Someone says,
00:52:37does someone fall down stairs?
00:52:39Who's scared of slapstick?
00:52:41It's like...
00:52:44Anyway,
00:52:45so,
00:52:46this website was founded in 2010,
00:52:49so it's running about 13 years,
00:52:50right?
00:52:51And the later questions
00:52:52start reflecting the times we live in now,
00:52:55and they get more and more fragile and narcissistic.
00:52:58These questions were asked this year.
00:52:59Check it out.
00:53:00Schindler's List,
00:53:01right?
00:53:02Someone says,
00:53:02are there any fat jokes?
00:53:05Would that make this worse?
00:53:09Imagine the real thing.
00:53:10Imagine I'm in a concentration camp,
00:53:12right?
00:53:13I'm naked.
00:53:14Everyone around me is naked.
00:53:15We've got a commandant herding us towards a gas chamber,
00:53:18and he goes,
00:53:19move it, fatty,
00:53:20right?
00:53:20And I go,
00:53:21rude.
00:53:27No,
00:53:29that has ruined the whole experience,
00:53:31if I'm honest.
00:53:36Someone asks,
00:53:38is there hate speech?
00:53:39Yeah!
00:53:41There is.
00:53:42Suck it up, buttercup.
00:53:45Are there any man-in-a-dress jokes?
00:53:48Very few jokes.
00:53:50If you come to this film for a giggle,
00:53:53you're going to be very disappointed.
00:53:56But this one takes the biscuit for me.
00:53:58Remember,
00:53:59this is a movie set in the 1940s,
00:54:00about arguably the worst atrocity in civilised human history.
00:54:03Check this out.
00:54:04Is someone misgendered?
00:54:07Fucking hell.
00:54:11This is quite sweet.
00:54:12Is there any anti-Semitism?
00:54:14Yeah.
00:54:16This is pretty much the mother load.
00:54:19Right?
00:54:20Forget Kanye.
00:54:22This...
00:54:24This is off the fucking charts.
00:54:26Don't do that when you're talking about this.
00:54:28Fuck's sake.
00:54:29I was doing the graph.
00:54:31I was doing it like that.
00:54:32I was...
00:54:32This is off the charts.
00:54:35That's...
00:54:37Wouldn't things have been different if that was Hitler's salute?
00:54:40The whole thing would have been...
00:54:41He'd go like,
00:54:42it's Hitler.
00:54:43Like that.
00:54:45Hiya.
00:54:50This is interesting.
00:54:51Does it have a sad ending?
00:54:53Right?
00:54:54Someone says yes,
00:54:55and then someone else says no.
00:54:56And I thought about it.
00:54:57No.
00:54:58But then I remembered,
00:54:59if you've seen the film,
00:55:00if you remember,
00:55:01when the story sort of ends,
00:55:03Spielberg then tacks on a real bit of footage
00:55:06where he gets real life descendants of people murdered in the Holocaust,
00:55:11and he films them coming into a Jewish cemetery,
00:55:14and they each leave a stone on the grave to represent their family members that were murdered,
00:55:19and it builds up,
00:55:20and it's very moving,
00:55:21and so I think I get the ambiguity.
00:55:24Does it have a sad ending?
00:55:25Yes,
00:55:26in the sense that six million Jews pointlessly lost their life,
00:55:29but no,
00:55:30in the sense there was still enough left over to build a little rockery.
00:55:35So...
00:55:43I asked one question myself on this.
00:55:47Is James Corden in it?
00:55:57I did look at one other film briefly.
00:56:00Titanic, right?
00:56:02And it's got all the same sort of questions,
00:56:04and the one where it goes,
00:56:05Are any animals harmed?
00:56:06Someone answers,
00:56:07There were no explicit scenes of animals being harmed,
00:56:10but Rose did have a goldfish,
00:56:12which probably didn't make it.
00:56:16I think of the goldfish in the bowl on the sideboard
00:56:19when the boat hits the iceberg,
00:56:20and he's all like that, right?
00:56:21And people are running around going,
00:56:22Ah, we're going in the water!
00:56:23And he's all smug then,
00:56:24and he's going,
00:56:25Don't worry about it.
00:56:28Oh, no, not water!
00:56:31Then he gets in the sea and he goes,
00:56:32Oh, it's very salty, isn't it?
00:56:34It's very salty.
00:56:43I'll leave you with a true story.
00:56:46It's still on the theme of Does the Dog Die?
00:56:49When I was seven years old,
00:56:51my mum took me to the cinema
00:56:52to see a film called Old Yeller.
00:56:56Beautiful film, yeah, made in the late 50s,
00:56:58and sort of set in the Wild West on this homestead,
00:57:02and it's about a kid who adopts this little junkyard dog,
00:57:07and he calls him Old Yeller,
00:57:08and they grow up together,
00:57:09and it's a buddy movie.
00:57:10It's a love story between this kid and this dog,
00:57:12and eventually, when the dog's big and, you know,
00:57:15he protects this kid in the wild,
00:57:17he fights a cougar and a bear and a wolf or whatever.
00:57:20But towards the end of the film,
00:57:22the kid's about 13, maybe.
00:57:24It takes a dark turn.
00:57:25I remember the kid sort of looking at Old Yeller,
00:57:27who's locked in the barn,
00:57:29and the mother's suspicious, right?
00:57:31She goes, is it Old Yeller all right?
00:57:32Yeah, he's fine, he's fine.
00:57:33But the kid knows that he's been bitten, right?
00:57:35And soon, Old Yeller starts foaming at the mouth
00:57:38and, oh, getting aggressive.
00:57:40And the mother turns up with a gun,
00:57:42and the kid goes, no.
00:57:44And she goes, you know we've got to do it, boy.
00:57:46He goes, yeah, but he's my dog.
00:57:48I'll do it.
00:57:49And he shoots his own dog.
00:57:51And I was like in floods for like a year.
00:57:54Right?
00:57:55Anyway, fast forward.
00:57:57A few years ago, I was on tour.
00:58:00I was on a train.
00:58:01And I get a text from Jane.
00:58:03She says, oh, I'm finally watching Old Yeller.
00:58:06And I sent back, oh, enjoy.
00:58:07Right?
00:58:09I didn't think.
00:58:10Right?
00:58:1120 minutes later, I get a text.
00:58:13Nothing happens to that dog, does it?
00:58:16Oh, I couldn't believe my fucking luck.
00:58:20Oh, I thought she knew.
00:58:22So I sent back, no, of course not.
00:58:27One hour later, I get a text.
00:58:29You cunt.
00:58:40Thank you very much.
00:58:41Cheers.
00:58:41Thanks to everyone who bought a ticket.
00:58:44If you bought a platinum ticket, the money goes to an animal charity,
00:58:47and you've raised $2 million so far.
00:58:49So thank you so much.
00:58:54I even get a bit of stick about that on social media.
00:58:58There's always someone who goes, oh, why do you really speak up for animals?
00:59:01And I go, well, because they haven't got a voice of their own except parrots.
00:59:05And I think that's why we don't eat parrots.
00:59:08Everyone around the world eats every other type of bird.
00:59:11Everyone in the world eats fucking chickens and ducks and geese and turkeys and ostriches.
00:59:17No one eats parrots.
00:59:18Do you know why?
00:59:19If you go and try and eat a parrot, it goes, fuck off, you cunt.
00:59:23So speaking up really does work, right?
00:59:27And that has sort of been one of the themes of the show.
00:59:30Because I know in the real world, in normal jobs, everyday life, you get in trouble.
00:59:34People tell you off for saying certain things or thinking certain things
00:59:37or even laughing at certain things, right?
00:59:40They say you're bad for laughing at that.
00:59:41And some of you take it to heart.
00:59:43You go, oh, my God, am I a bad person?
00:59:45No, you're not.
00:59:46One, you can't choose your sense of humour.
00:59:49It's involuntary.
00:59:50And two, that's exactly what humour is for, to laugh at bad shit, to get us through it, right?
00:59:56And...
01:00:03And we've established you can't even choose your own thoughts.
01:00:06How often have you been on a train station and you've suddenly thought,
01:00:09why have I just pushed that bloke?
01:00:13And then you go, why have I thought that?
01:00:17Am I a psychopath?
01:00:18No, you're not.
01:00:19You're the opposite.
01:00:19You're a safe pair of hands.
01:00:20You're testing yourself.
01:00:22You're reminding yourself how terrible that would be.
01:00:24You're a good person, right?
01:00:25I don't get that one.
01:00:28What I get is I'm talking to a really sweet old lady and I suddenly start thinking,
01:00:33what if I just spat in her face now?
01:00:35Why would I...?
01:00:42Another theme of the show has been words change and I'm woke, ha-ha.
01:00:47But here's the irony, I think I am woke, but I think that word has changed.
01:00:52I think if woke still means what it used to mean, that you're aware of your own privilege,
01:00:58you're trying to maximise equality, minimise oppression, be anti-racist, anti-sexist, anti-homophobic,
01:01:04yes, I'm definitely woke.
01:01:05If woke now means being a puritanical, authoritarian bully
01:01:10who gets people fired for an honest opinion or even a fact,
01:01:14then no, I'm not woke.
01:01:15Fuck that.
01:01:25But here's the deal.
01:01:26To each their own, laugh at whatever you find funny, all laughter's good and you're amazing.
01:01:32Goodnight.
01:01:32Goodnight.
01:02:02Goodnight.
01:02:19Goodnight.
01:02:32Goodnight.
01:02:33Goodnight.
01:02:33Goodnight.
01:02:34Goodnight.
01:02:34Goodnight.
01:02:34Goodnight.
01:02:34Goodnight.
01:02:36Goodnight.
01:02:36You
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