- 12 hours ago
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00:00:04Oh, mighty one, the first caravan of the day has arrived from Samarkand for your inspection.
00:00:15Tis poor quality, oh, mighty one. I'm merely passing through on my way to Venice.
00:00:19Oh, just passing through, are you? Well, I'm afraid that attracts both import and export duties.
00:00:25Oh, yes. One hundred in and one hundred out.
00:00:28Two hundred percent!
00:00:30It's not for nothing that the mighty one is called Abdul the Benevolent.
00:00:34I know, I know. I'm a fool to myself.
00:00:36Oh, mighty one, please have mercy on a penniless merchant. I'll be ruined.
00:00:41Next!
00:00:49What's this lot, then? Garden ornaments and pottery?
00:00:52No, no, this is medicinal herbs from China.
00:00:55This one is a rhubarb.
00:00:56Uh-huh. And what of the other one?
00:00:58Oh, this one is ginger.
00:01:00Oh, is he?
00:01:02Well, perhaps you'd better give him a stick of rhubarb, then.
00:01:04Pharmaceuticals, two hundred percent.
00:01:06Oh, mighty one, this will ruin me.
00:01:09Yes, yes.
00:01:11The soup kitchen's that way.
00:01:12Oh, I am ruined. Ruined!
00:01:16Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined!
00:01:30Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined!
00:01:30Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined!
00:01:31Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined! Ruined
00:01:44said double. That's two thousand. One thousand? Two thousand? That's three thousand. Oh, I am ruined. Ruined.
00:01:54Ha. Good. Next. Well, here's one ruined before he's started. That's far enough. Oughts he bring it in? It's not
00:02:12perfume, that's for sure. No, this one is a messenger. Oh, good. What do we charge on messages? No, no,
00:02:19no, no, no. O mighty one, the message is for you. For me? I come hot foot from Lisbon. He
00:02:27brings news of what the Lisbonians are getting up to. Well, I don't care what they get up to as
00:02:31long as they don't do it in the street and frighten the camels. No, no, the city of Lisbon. Oh,
00:02:35the one in Portugal. Quite correct, O mighty one. And if I'm not mistaken, he brings you a message from
00:02:40Ahmed the Shoemaker.
00:02:43Our secret agent in Lisbon. And where is this message? It's in my boot. May I take it off? Very
00:02:57well, if you must.
00:03:01It's a bit hard, Your Highness. I haven't had it off in a year. Yeah, and I can't say. I'm
00:03:06surprised.
00:03:12Oh, mighty Sultan. A certain Christopher Columbus, who has the map-making shop next to me, claims he can reach
00:03:21the Indies by sea.
00:03:22By sea? By sea?
00:03:23But if he succeeds, no trade will pass through Turkey. And we shall be ruined. Ruined!
00:03:30Summon Fatima the Circassian!
00:03:47Summon Fatima the Circassian!
00:04:01You rang, O mighty one.
00:04:04Well, Fatima.
00:04:06You are off to Lisbon on our swiftest galley. There you must meet with Ahmed the Shoemaker. I want you
00:04:12to keep an eye on his doings.
00:04:13As you command, O mighty one.
00:04:15I cannot emphasize the seriousness of your mission. For should this mariner Columbus find a way by sea to the
00:04:23Indies, we shall all be ruined. I shall be forced to make drastic cuts.
00:04:30Where's the bus here?
00:04:31Well, he was here. But I think you put the wind up him.
00:04:34Then it all depends on you, Fatima. And should this Columbus have a root?
00:04:39Be assured. I shall get my hands on it.
00:04:43Oh, good girl.
00:04:56Christopher Columbus, at your service.
00:04:59I'm told you're an Italian.
00:05:00Oh, indeed I am, sir. From Genoa.
00:05:04Hmm. Well, I'm planning an expedition.
00:05:06Fancy that. So am I.
00:05:08Oh, where to?
00:05:10Well, I seek a route across the great sea of gloom to China and the Indies.
00:05:14Do you, indeed?
00:05:16Well, I'm off to Italy, and I seek a good, reliable map.
00:05:19Oh, well, in that case, sir, please be seated.
00:05:21And I shall ask my brother what we have in stock.
00:05:24Ah, thank you.
00:05:26Customer wants a map of Italy.
00:05:28No, we've sold out. Tell him to come back next week.
00:05:30No, he wants it now.
00:05:31Chris, you can't sell him a map of Italy if we don't have one.
00:05:34Who can't?
00:05:37Here we are, sir.
00:05:38One map of Italy, 500 Maravedos.
00:05:41Well, let me see it first.
00:05:47There we are.
00:05:48Ho, ho.
00:05:49La Bella Italia.
00:05:51I can't take that, Hal.
00:05:53Why, what's wrong with it?
00:05:54Well, look at it.
00:05:56Yeah, well, they've had a bit of soil erosion, made it go in a bit there.
00:05:59And the volcanic activity down there, it made it go out a bit.
00:06:03We can have it touched up for you.
00:06:05I'm referring to the naked mermaids.
00:06:07We can have them touched up as well.
00:06:15Ahmed the Shoemaker, barber and surgeon, Christian convert.
00:06:23And cobblers to the Pope.
00:06:29Take a seat, sir.
00:06:30No waiting.
00:06:31Fatima waits for no man.
00:06:33Ah!
00:06:34Fatima!
00:06:35What are you doing here?
00:06:36What's happening?
00:06:37I have come from the Sultan.
00:06:38You've cut my ear off.
00:06:42Don't worry, sir.
00:06:43I'll soon stitch it back on.
00:06:48Another complaint about your maps.
00:06:50Who from?
00:06:51The cardinal.
00:06:52What, too many mermaids?
00:06:53No, not enough cherubs.
00:06:55Oh?
00:06:56You know, I tell you, the sooner we find a route to the Indies and get out of this business,
00:07:00the better.
00:07:00Well, I'm off to Italy next week.
00:07:02Michael Angelo wants to do me up on the ceiling.
00:07:05Well, do you mind you hang on to something while you're up there?
00:07:08Now, listen.
00:07:09The Sultan has sent me here to be in charge of operations.
00:07:12Well, you weren't much help with the ear.
00:07:14What news of Columbus?
00:07:16Not a lot.
00:07:17But do you keep him under observation?
00:07:20Yeah, of course.
00:07:21By what means?
00:07:26What a giant step in espionage.
00:07:29Yeah, well, I was 20 years in naval intelligence.
00:07:42Do you mind if I look?
00:07:44There's nothing to look at.
00:07:45Then why are you so keen?
00:07:47That's how I get to the bottom of his enterprises.
00:07:53Do you think the Sultan pays you to look at naked women?
00:07:56What naked women?
00:07:59Well, that's it for today.
00:08:03Serves you right.
00:08:07Good day, sir.
00:08:08I believe you are Christopher Columbus.
00:08:09That is correct, sir.
00:08:10I am Mordecai Mendoza, formerly of the Jewish faith, but now a convert to Christianity.
00:08:15Are you collecting for something?
00:08:16Collecting?
00:08:16No, no, no.
00:08:17I've come here to help you.
00:08:18I understand that you are seeking a safe passage across the great sea of gloom.
00:08:51Yes, sir.
00:08:52I have a ship.
00:08:53Well, no, haven't you?
00:08:54No.
00:08:55Well, if I...
00:08:56No, no, no.
00:08:57Hang on a bit.
00:08:58Hang on a bit.
00:08:58Because I can get one.
00:09:00I can raise the money.
00:09:01I have an audience with Queen Isabella of Spain.
00:09:04We'll show her the documents.
00:09:05Travel tomorrow.
00:09:06Spain?
00:09:06I can't carry this to Spain.
00:09:08Why not?
00:09:08Well, the Spanish e-position, I'll be arrested.
00:09:10No, no.
00:09:11You are a convert.
00:09:12Well, they're making it especially hot for converts.
00:09:14Any convert fan with a book or a document in Hebrew is burned alive.
00:09:17Look, perhaps it's best if I took the document.
00:09:19Well, you carry this to Spain.
00:09:21Don't worry.
00:09:21I won't steal it.
00:09:22Oh, no, you won't.
00:09:23I'm coming with you.
00:09:27Inform the Sultan we leave for Spain.
00:09:34Oh, Torquemada, we are assembled here before you to ask your blessing.
00:09:44Answer me in turn.
00:09:46What is the purpose of our order?
00:09:48To strike terror into the hearts of Jews and Muslims.
00:09:52And how is this to be done?
00:09:55By interrogation under torture.
00:10:00And how are they to be detected?
00:10:04By offering them forbidden food such as pork and ham.
00:10:12Here, where's he going?
00:10:13To cut the ham sandwiches.
00:10:20And stay out!
00:10:22Hey, what's that?
00:10:23Look, will you stop worrying?
00:10:25Tomorrow we show the Queen the scroll.
00:10:27After that, you'll be under her protection.
00:10:29That's tomorrow.
00:10:29How about tonight?
00:10:31Just keep walking.
00:10:32Leave everything to me.
00:10:34Evening, brothers.
00:10:40A moment.
00:10:43Would you care for a ham sandwich?
00:10:47Oh, we'd love one.
00:11:03I can't eat this.
00:11:05And why not?
00:11:08There's no mustard on it.
00:11:10No mustard on it?
00:11:12Well, there wasn't.
00:11:13Mine was covered in fluff.
00:11:14Well, I ate it.
00:11:16Help the poor, sir.
00:11:18Help the starving and the needed.
00:11:24Oh, thank you, sir.
00:11:26Sleep well.
00:11:34Shh.
00:11:35I'll search the room.
00:11:37You'll watch out for the others.
00:12:11They're coming!
00:12:27Oh, what are you doing in there?
00:12:30I came for a further contribution.
00:12:33And did he give you one?
00:12:35Good night, gentlemen.
00:12:43But, Columbus, we are an impoverished country.
00:12:47Exactly, sire.
00:12:48And the only answer to Spain's problem is to speculate.
00:12:52One must speculate to accumulate.
00:12:55Unfortunately, one has to accumulate before one can afford to speculate.
00:12:59Precisely, sire.
00:13:01And how better to accumulate than to acquire in one fell swoop all the treasures of the Indies.
00:13:07How right you are, Columbus. How wise.
00:13:11What makes you think he's up to it?
00:13:13I have seen his testimonials.
00:13:17Yeah, I'm sure you have.
00:13:19But we can't afford it.
00:13:21Perhaps if we economized on certain articles around the court.
00:13:27Oh, yes.
00:13:33Esmeralda, my dear. How are you?
00:13:36Oh, very well. My husband, the Count, has got the Canaries.
00:13:42Oh, dear poor man. Is he in much pain?
00:13:46His cousin, the King, has made him governor of the Canary Islands.
00:13:51Oh, how nice.
00:13:53When will you sail?
00:13:54Next week.
00:13:55It's such a nuisance, because later in the year we have to come back.
00:13:59Why?
00:14:00My daughter, Maria, is to wed the Duke of Costa Brava.
00:14:05What him?
00:14:07Now, I...
00:14:09I beg your pardon, madam.
00:14:11But he's...
00:14:11He's in the prime of life.
00:14:14And one of the richest men in Spain. Do you know him?
00:14:17Of course.
00:14:18Chiquita!
00:14:22My lady, you are here to chaperone Maria.
00:14:29Yes, my lady.
00:14:31Remember, men who seduce young women lurk everywhere.
00:14:37Yes, my lady. That is why I was keeping my eye on the soldiers.
00:14:54Do you await an audience, sir?
00:14:57No, I'm with my brother. He's in there with the Queen.
00:15:00You're not Spanish, are you?
00:15:02I'm Italian, actually. I'm a painter.
00:15:04Oh, I adore art.
00:15:06Do you know, perchance, Leonardo da Vinci?
00:15:09Oh, Lenny? Yes, very well. And, of course, uh, Mick.
00:15:12Mick?
00:15:13Michelangelo.
00:15:14Then, of course, there's, uh, old Mona.
00:15:16Oh, so you know my mother.
00:15:18Yes.
00:15:18I was telling her how you met...
00:15:22Met who?
00:15:23My daughter, your betrothed.
00:15:25Betrothed?
00:15:26Oh, yes.
00:15:28They met horse riding. It was love at first sight.
00:15:31But is he able to? I mean, can he...?
00:15:35Of course he can.
00:15:36He has two men who lift him on and off.
00:15:38Lift him on and off?
00:15:40What?
00:15:41Well, his horse, of course.
00:15:42Very well.
00:15:44Columbus, I've been persuaded to finance your expedition.
00:15:48Thank you, sire.
00:15:50Have you a list of your requirements?
00:15:52I have them here. I'll make it brief.
00:15:55Firstly, the ship and supplies.
00:15:57Secondly, that I be appointed Lord High Admiral and raised to the nobility.
00:16:01Thirdly, that I am made viceroy and governor of all the Indies, including Japan, China, and anywhere else I find.
00:16:09Plus, plus what?
00:16:11Ten percent of all the treasure.
00:16:13Guards! Remove him!
00:16:16No, sire.
00:16:16Look, you're making a big mistake.
00:16:18Stop it.
00:16:18Will you let go of my house?
00:16:19There's no need for that.
00:16:20You're throwing away a fortune!
00:16:22Ah!
00:16:23How did it go?
00:16:24What's happening?
00:16:25They're thinking about it.
00:16:33Would you mind moving that back?
00:16:35I can't see anything.
00:16:37You never can.
00:16:39Columbus offers you all the wealth of the Indies and you have him thrown out.
00:16:43He wanted ten percent.
00:16:45Ten percent.
00:16:47Leaving you ninety.
00:16:49Ninety percent of all the wealth of the Indies.
00:16:52Do you have any idea how much gold there is in China?
00:16:56No.
00:16:56No.
00:16:57Do you?
00:16:58There has to be more than you've got.
00:17:00One candle between the two of us.
00:17:03Never mind what I've got.
00:17:05What's this Columbus got that you're after?
00:17:08Me after?
00:17:10What about that brazen hussy at court?
00:17:12I see she's wearing a new gold necklace.
00:17:15And where did she get that from?
00:17:17Nobody knows, do they?
00:17:19No wonder there's no gold left in the treasury.
00:17:21If you're going to smother all your fancy women in gold, then let us bring it in from China.
00:17:27Wholesale.
00:17:31Now Columbus, Father Torquemada has read your document.
00:17:35But it's an evil.
00:17:37Yes, well he had a Jewish grandmother, didn't he?
00:17:40At the seminary I attended it was compulsory.
00:17:43What, do you mean they all had Jewish grandmothers?
00:17:46Ferdinand, remember to whom you are talking.
00:17:49The Grand Inquisitor.
00:17:51He has the power of life and death over everybody in Spain.
00:17:54Oh, I'm so sorry.
00:17:56To continue.
00:17:58Father Torquemada confirms this document is the record of an early voyage.
00:18:04And because of this, we are reconsidering your terms.
00:18:09Come closer, Christopher.
00:18:11Ah, it's Christopher now.
00:18:14Christopher, we shall finance your expedition.
00:18:17And may God go with you.
00:18:32This is it, the Santa Maria.
00:18:35Fantastic.
00:18:36Where's the crew?
00:18:37From what is to be navigator and sailing master, you'll be the master's mate.
00:18:41What, me?
00:18:43And that's it, is it?
00:18:44Well, so far, but we'll have no bother rounding up the rest.
00:18:47Yes.
00:18:50Now roll up, roll up and sign on for the voyage of a lifetime.
00:18:55See the wonders of the Indies.
00:18:58See mermaids at their frolics.
00:19:00See lovely ladies from China.
00:19:03Two-headed men from Japan.
00:19:07One-legged cannibals, victims of their own gluttony.
00:19:16And it's all on the inside, all on the inside of the Santa Maria.
00:19:21I think you're flogging a dead horse, Ducky.
00:19:23It's the Inquisition, darling.
00:19:25All the sailors are busy taking the Jews and Arabs to Morocco.
00:19:28They don't mind what they pay.
00:19:30Yes, but what about the ones who can't afford to pay?
00:19:33Oh, you mean like that lot over there?
00:19:41Lovely gents' outfits, nearly new.
00:19:43Carpet augments, hardly been walked on.
00:19:45Candles tubs, hardly been lived.
00:19:47Turkey still had lovely turkey still had hardly been shoot.
00:19:50Do any of you lively lads wish to go to Morocco?
00:19:53We can't afford the fare.
00:19:55Then sign on as crew.
00:19:56Oh, we're not sailors.
00:19:57But you can be.
00:19:59See, I am in charge of a government-funded nautical academy.
00:20:02The training ship Santa Maria.
00:20:04We sail on Wednesday.
00:20:09Can we think about it?
00:20:11Of course you can.
00:20:12The Inquisition won't be here till Thursday.
00:20:18Spare copper for the snake charmer, sir.
00:20:20Bring you very good luck.
00:20:22I can't see any snake.
00:20:24No snake?
00:20:24Oh, my God, he has escaped.
00:20:27Oh, sir, he has gone up your tunic.
00:20:29Oh, madam, that is no snake.
00:20:31Sorry, you very big boy.
00:20:33Oh, I found him.
00:20:35And that's no snake either.
00:20:36Oh, oh, you.
00:20:37Hey, leave my sister alone.
00:20:39She's only a woman.
00:20:42Ahmed.
00:20:44Don't worry.
00:20:45I have it.
00:20:46Let me see.
00:20:49This isn't in Hebrew.
00:20:51It's in Spanish.
00:20:52Well, what does it say?
00:20:54To bold, adventure-loving seamen, Columbus needs you.
00:21:02You.
00:21:05I, sir, am the master's mate.
00:21:06I don't care who you're friendly with.
00:21:08I wish to see Columbus.
00:21:11Columbus.
00:21:12Yes?
00:21:13I'm Don Juan Felipe.
00:21:15I've been appointed by the king to look after the ship's books.
00:21:18Oh, the librarian.
00:21:19Well, we haven't got much.
00:21:21How to avoid sea serpents.
00:21:23Madam Fifi's guide to the pleasures of...
00:21:25No, captain.
00:21:25By books, I mean accounts.
00:21:27And to keep strict control of your expenditure.
00:21:30Now, how many crew do you have?
00:21:33Well, not as many as I'd like.
00:21:35Well, the king has sent you this royal warrant.
00:21:37That will help you man the ship.
00:21:38I use the word man in its fullest sense, you understand.
00:21:43Now, kindly have someone to show me to my cabin.
00:21:45I'm sailing with you.
00:21:47Oh, really, I don't think you'd enjoy that experience.
00:21:49Why not?
00:21:50I insist.
00:21:51Single cabin port side.
00:21:53Well, we are rather crowded.
00:21:55Perhaps something nice.
00:21:57Amid ships.
00:22:13Oh, hello.
00:22:15Are you the doorkeeper?
00:22:17No, I'm the governor.
00:22:18It's the doorkeeper's day off.
00:22:19Well, I have an order from the king which offers a free pardon to any inmate who volunteers to sail
00:22:25with us.
00:22:26Walk this way.
00:22:27Walk this way.
00:22:29Ask rice for children.
00:22:32Oh, please.
00:22:33Can I?
00:22:34Pick, please.
00:22:36Oh.
00:22:42No.
00:22:43That's not.
00:22:45No, let's look here.
00:22:47Okay.
00:22:48All right, if I could have your attention now, please.
00:22:51Quiet, everybody.
00:22:52Quiet, please.
00:22:53Quiet.
00:22:55That's better.
00:22:55Now, Admiral Columbus is going on a lovely sea trip.
00:23:00And he's here to tell us all about it.
00:23:02Gentlemen, I am here to offer you the chance of a lifetime.
00:23:06To break free from these shackles and sail the mighty ocean.
00:23:10To feel the sun and breeze on your faces.
00:23:13Blue skies overhead.
00:23:15Fine foods, gay companions.
00:23:18Ha, ha.
00:23:18And at the end of the voyage, a chance to share in the untold gold of the Indies.
00:23:28Now, doesn't that sound lovely?
00:23:30I do wish I was coming with you.
00:23:32This is Keppi, the Portuguese poisoner.
00:23:35How do you do, Mr. Columbus?
00:23:37Does he only poison Portuguese?
00:23:38No, he'll poison anyone.
00:23:40He's a wonderful cook, unless he gets in one of his moods.
00:23:44They're hanging him Thursday.
00:23:46This is our Andalusian arsonist, Tonto the torch.
00:23:50All right.
00:23:51He's really quite safe.
00:23:52They're hanging him Thursday.
00:23:54And this is Marco, the serial killer.
00:23:58A serial killer?
00:23:59Beats his victims to death with a sack of Rice Krispies.
00:24:03I've done me back in again.
00:24:05Please.
00:24:06I do wish you'd take him.
00:24:08All right, then.
00:24:09I'm so glad you said that.
00:24:11Because they were hanging him Thursday.
00:24:14Come on, Alex!
00:24:15Let's get back to the next.
00:24:19Oh, hello.
00:24:21Hello.
00:24:22Strike their chains off and, er, sign them on.
00:24:24Come on.
00:24:25Come along, boys.
00:24:26We'll soon make you comfy.
00:24:27Bring that fire over here!
00:24:29Take me down!
00:24:31Take that fire over the roof!
00:24:32You mean you want to come with us?
00:24:33Oh, I'd love to.
00:24:34We made it all sound so lovely.
00:24:36Well, let's see what we can offer.
00:24:38Oh, I know.
00:24:39Welfare officer.
00:24:40And what does he do?
00:24:41Well, if anyone has to be flogged, he flogs them.
00:24:43If anyone has to be hanged, he hangs them.
00:24:45I can do that standing on my head.
00:24:48Sign here.
00:24:55Come on, Alex!
00:24:56Come on, Alex!
00:24:58Take it away!
00:24:59Come on, Alex!
00:25:00Come on!
00:25:01Come on!
00:25:05Ah!
00:25:07Have you ever been to sea before?
00:25:09Oh, yes, sir.
00:25:09I'm an able seaman.
00:25:10Good.
00:25:11800 Maravedus.
00:25:13Sign here.
00:25:16Oh, I can't read or write.
00:25:19I'll just make your mark.
00:25:20Come on.
00:25:22Can you count?
00:25:24So can I.
00:25:26How many fingers?
00:25:30One, two, three.
00:25:34Very good, keep going.
00:25:35Three, three, three.
00:25:36Eight.
00:25:37Eight, exactly.
00:25:39And here's your 800 Maravedas.
00:25:41One, two, three, eight.
00:25:44Oh, thank you.
00:25:45Thank you very much.
00:25:48Well, hello, sailor.
00:25:50I'm not a sailor.
00:25:52I'm the representative of the King of Spain.
00:25:54I'm Don Juan.
00:25:55I'm one, too.
00:25:56Juan Diego.
00:25:57I'm the welfare officer.
00:25:59I take it we're sharing.
00:26:00I was told I was in a cabin of my own.
00:26:03Yes, well, I was told that as well,
00:26:05but it's obviously a double cabin.
00:26:07So much more roomy than the captain's.
00:26:10I'll tell you what.
00:26:11You have this end.
00:26:12I'll have the other.
00:26:13And if you get lonely,
00:26:14you can always come up my age.
00:26:16Go away!
00:26:21I'll need a tip, would you?
00:26:23Yes, with pleasure.
00:26:26Just look what they've sent down.
00:26:30A barrel of wine for the two of us.
00:26:33Come on, lads.
00:26:34We've got to get everything stowed by sunset.
00:26:38We're sailing tomorrow.
00:26:40All right.
00:26:41Go away!
00:26:43Oh, second.
00:26:44Oh, thank you.
00:26:46Come in.
00:26:50Hello, captain.
00:26:51Remember me?
00:26:51Your old neighbour?
00:26:52Why, yes.
00:26:53I've heard about your voyages and I'd really like to join.
00:26:56Right.
00:26:56Well, let's see what vacancies we have.
00:26:58I've also got my nephew with me.
00:27:00Oh, he's a bright lad.
00:27:01He wants to come also.
00:27:03Well, we need a steward,
00:27:04plus a surgeon,
00:27:06a shipwright,
00:27:06and a sailmaker.
00:27:07I'll take him.
00:27:09Which one?
00:27:09All of them.
00:27:11I'm not paying you three men's wages.
00:27:14About two.
00:27:15All right, two.
00:27:15But I am not paying your nephew.
00:27:17That's all right.
00:27:18The sultan pays him.
00:27:20What?
00:27:20I said,
00:27:22he'd be insulted if you paid him.
00:27:24Well, where is he?
00:27:25Oh, he's outside.
00:27:26I'll bring him in.
00:27:27Er, Tima!
00:27:29Tima?
00:27:30Yeah, it's short for
00:27:32Tima Fee.
00:27:33Well, Tima Fee.
00:27:36Sign here.
00:27:37Thank you, captain.
00:27:40Bottoms up.
00:27:46Well, they're not one.
00:27:53Pickle onions.
00:27:55I must say,
00:27:56they're spoiling us.
00:27:57All these provisions,
00:27:59just for the two of us.
00:28:11Take her out.
00:28:12Take her out.
00:28:27That wine is strong.
00:28:29I went quite dizzy for a moment.
00:28:49Now we're on board.
00:28:50What do we do?
00:28:51Now we have to sabotage the voyage.
00:28:54Did you bring the poison?
00:28:56Of course.
00:29:01Well,
00:29:02we sail on the morning tide.
00:29:04Have you got the first leg
00:29:05of our journey, Matt?
00:29:06Oh, God willing.
00:29:07It's not easy navigating in Hebrew.
00:29:09If I'm not careful,
00:29:10we'll be sailing backwards.
00:29:11Are you aloft?
00:29:12Can I move on?
00:29:14No, my son.
00:29:15No, the gang, please.
00:29:17No, it's a day.
00:29:22Shove that in the captain.
00:29:24In the captain?
00:29:26No.
00:29:28The captain.
00:29:30Way anchor.
00:29:32Horizon.
00:29:33Way anchor.
00:29:35Way anchor.
00:29:40In God's name.
00:29:43Make it go.
00:29:59Well, brother, we made it.
00:30:01We made it.
00:30:02We are away.
00:30:03Ha, ha, ha.
00:30:05Way anchor.
00:30:09Way anchor.
00:30:11Way anchor.
00:30:16There she goes.
00:30:17There she goes.
00:30:19All right.
00:30:20See ya.
00:30:34Hello, Tonto. Is it true you're known as the Andalusian arsonist?
00:30:39I have been called that, yes.
00:30:41Then perhaps you should do something before this Columbus sails us to our doom.
00:30:47What? You mean set fire?
00:30:51To the ship, huh?
00:30:52Not completely, no. Just enough to make him turn the ship back to Spain.
00:31:16Go below and check where watertight.
00:31:18All right.
00:31:22Let's go.
00:31:23Let's go.
00:31:36Let's go.
00:31:44Let's go.
00:31:45Let's go.
00:32:02Let's go.
00:32:04Let's go.
00:32:05Let's go.
00:32:34Let's go.
00:32:39Let's go.
00:32:47Let's go.
00:33:02Let's go.
00:33:06Let's go.
00:33:09Let's go.
00:33:11Let's go.
00:33:17Let's go.
00:33:18Let's go.
00:33:32Let's go.
00:33:55Let's go.
00:34:00Let's go.
00:34:02Let's go.
00:34:06Let's go.
00:34:06Let's go.
00:34:26Let's go.
00:34:28Let's go.
00:34:35Let's go.
00:34:50Let's go.
00:35:11Let's go.
00:35:31Let's go.
00:35:34Let's go.
00:35:38Let's go.
00:35:42Let's go.
00:35:45Let's go.
00:35:47Let's go.
00:35:47Let's go.
00:35:49Let's go.
00:35:51Let's go.
00:35:52This part of the sea has a curse on it.
00:35:55The area is in the shape of a triangle.
00:35:58Once a ship gets into it, it will sail forever in a triangular course forever and ever and disappear
00:36:06from the sight of man.
00:36:08Because it was my son's 13th birthday, I called it the Bar Mitzvah Triangle.
00:36:15A bar Mitzvah Triangle.
00:36:18it seemed we were doomed to sail for eternity
00:36:22up one leg down the other and along the hypotenuse
00:36:27a greek fella on board said this proved something but
00:36:31before we could find out what he was eaten by a sea serpent
00:36:36if there's one thing scares the shit out of me it's sea serpents
00:36:38suddenly they were all around us slimy hideous creatures
00:36:43their fangs dripping with blood as they caught him and crunched him up
00:36:48the bosun let out one final blood-curdling scream
00:36:59he dropped that blood on my foot
00:37:01there was only one way out of our dreadful peril
00:37:04a drastic course of action but we had no alternative
00:37:09come on go on
00:37:10don't rush me it's the end of what's close
00:37:12go on all right don't you stop for goodness sake
00:37:14go on go on does he have any clue
00:37:17as to how we got out of it
00:37:18as we continued through the fog
00:37:22we saw ships abandoned by their crews
00:37:25ghost ships manned only by phantoms
00:37:29demons and hobgoblins
00:37:32not hobgoblins
00:37:33not them antsy serpents
00:37:35hang on pull yourself together
00:37:38let's go look at the compass
00:37:53you out there stand still
00:38:01welfare officer yes captain take that man's ball off
00:38:05which one
00:38:06captain captain i see a ship on port bar
00:38:10big big ship
00:38:11how far away
00:38:13about that far
00:38:18no offenders
00:38:20no offenders
00:38:21no offenders
00:38:22no offenders
00:38:23no offenders
00:38:25no offenders
00:38:26get away man
00:38:28ahoy there we are the santa maria
00:38:32who are you
00:38:33who are you
00:38:34i told you
00:38:36we are the santa maria
00:38:38santa maria
00:38:39there's no other border
00:38:40there's no other border
00:38:41she's a ghost ship
00:38:46i'm going aboard her
00:38:47who's coming with me
00:38:50two volunteers
00:38:51you and you
00:38:52one face forward
00:38:56oh come on lads
00:38:57where's your spirit of adventure
00:38:59would you have me
00:39:00go on my own
00:39:01yes
00:39:04i
00:39:06pepe the poisoner
00:39:07would very much like to come sir
00:39:08unchained him
00:39:09here goes
00:39:10i'll come too
00:39:20a living soul aboard
00:39:24the table set for a meal
00:39:28my god is hot
00:39:32and it's delicious
00:39:38etiquette man
00:39:39etiquette
00:39:40warm queue
00:39:42captain
00:39:43where are you
00:39:46it's me
00:39:48the lovely diego
00:39:52don't hide from me
00:39:53captain
00:39:57release your
00:39:58quick
00:39:59i hope we haven't forgotten anything
00:40:06oh i don't think so morale
00:40:07it's morale
00:40:12why are you pushing her into this marriage
00:40:14because i'm thinking of her future
00:40:17what future
00:40:18what future has she got with a man
00:40:20old enough to be my father
00:40:25would you care to join us on board for dinner ma'am
00:40:27we're having chicken
00:40:28in white wine
00:40:30more chicken captain
00:40:31just a touch
00:40:32i must save room for the pudding
00:40:34it's peaches
00:40:35more wine
00:40:37anyone
00:40:40pirates
00:40:41no
00:40:43that's what happened tonto
00:40:45the ship was attacked
00:40:47by pirates
00:40:48and then the crew was all massacred
00:40:51and the bodies
00:40:53run overboard
00:40:53and then they left her
00:40:55adrift and unmanned
00:40:57in the middle of the ocean
00:40:59she's a dangerous shipping captain
00:41:02she should be sunk
00:41:05set fire to
00:41:06yes yes all right
00:41:08pass the pudding
00:41:15curry
00:41:17not too late am i
00:41:21just look at this big spread
00:41:25could do with something hot inside me
00:41:28like this
00:41:32full as an egg
00:41:36this fog is abominable
00:41:38i can't even see the ship
00:41:40straight ahead
00:41:41just coming to the gangway
00:41:44my word i did enjoy that
00:41:47captain before we go
00:41:48maybe we should
00:41:49look around the ship
00:41:50see if there's anything worth saving
00:41:52uh yeah
00:41:53yeah we should shouldn't we
00:42:00gold
00:42:01silver
00:42:05looks fantastic captain
00:42:08well
00:42:09it'd be a shame to leave these wouldn't it
00:42:16oh now that's lovely
00:42:17feel the quality
00:42:18i do like these
00:42:49what's your step ma'am
00:43:00Pirates!
00:43:02Pirates!
00:43:03Pirates?
00:43:03Good God!
00:43:04Governor, take care of the ladies!
00:43:07Pirates!
00:43:11You men, follow me!
00:43:12Pirates!
00:43:13Pirates!
00:43:14Pirates!
00:43:16Pirates!
00:43:21You'll hang for this!
00:43:23No, now, wait a minute, there's been some mistake!
00:43:25I think not!
00:43:26Before you go to your fate, you miserable pigs!
00:43:30May I possibly have the pleasure?
00:43:33Fire!
00:43:34Fire!
00:43:35Fire!
00:43:36Fire!
00:43:36Pirates!
00:43:39Fire!
00:43:47well columbus this is the end of your voyage you have managed to destroy one of his majesty's
00:43:53frigates and my daughter and i must return to spain for the wedding yes and so sir as governor
00:43:59of the canaries i command you to abandon this trip to the indies and take them there i'm sorry
00:44:06sir but i refuse oh you refuse do you well as you were caught with stolen property on you
00:44:12perhaps you prefer to hang that's a piracy
00:44:25take it into the captain's cabin oh so you're gonna sleep in there are you yes so you can take
00:44:32his
00:44:32stuff out turn her into the wind we're ship's officers you know yeah we shouldn't have to
00:44:41sleep in the hold well if it's a case of you or me it's you captain columbus you are instructed
00:44:48to
00:44:48take me to spain are you not i am indeed ma'am and spain lies to the northeast of the
00:44:54canary islands
00:44:55does it not indeed it does ma'am and why captain are we sailing south west are we are we
00:45:02are we
00:45:03you know damned well we are i'm not an idiot i can tell by the sun we are not heading
00:45:08for spain
00:45:09at all at the moment ma'am we are tacking from side to side a maritime maneuver of which is
00:45:15obvious
00:45:15you know nothing i am in command of this ship so i suggest you leave the navigation to me
00:45:29he's not taking her back to spain at all he's set course for the indies then we must get hold
00:45:33of
00:45:34that scroll and destroy it
00:45:38so
00:46:03You are asleep, and I am an erotic dream.
00:46:09Sleep.
00:46:11Sleep.
00:46:12Don't try to wake up.
00:46:14No, no.
00:46:14Who are you?
00:46:15Oh, sir.
00:46:16I am only a poor girl.
00:46:19Please, Captain, you wouldn't take advantage of a poor girl, would you?
00:46:39No, no.
00:46:42No, no, no.
00:46:49No.
00:46:52No.
00:46:54No.
00:46:56No.
00:46:57No.
00:47:04No.
00:47:05What are you doing, the same as you?
00:47:08You naughty girl, don't you dare.
00:47:11You go back to bed this minute.
00:47:15Are you in love with him?
00:47:17I think so.
00:47:19Well, do be careful.
00:47:24Rebuild!
00:47:31Hello, Marco.
00:47:34What are you looking at?
00:47:35Sharps. Man-eating sharps.
00:47:38This sea's full of them.
00:47:40Hey, mind you don't fall in.
00:47:42Oh, my goodness.
00:47:44You don't think they'd eat me whole?
00:47:46No, I'm told they spit that out.
00:47:50Oh, isn't the moon lovely?
00:47:53Not as lovely as you.
00:47:55Oh, no, you mustn't kiss me.
00:47:57I am betrothed.
00:47:59Oh, yes, of course you are.
00:48:02My fiancé, the Duke, might find out.
00:48:08Of course, he might.
00:48:13Of course he might not.
00:48:28Well, did you get it?
00:48:30Oh, I most certainly did.
00:48:32Where is it?
00:48:33What?
00:48:34The scroll.
00:48:35Oh, that.
00:48:36I'll get it tomorrow.
00:48:38Fatima, we are failing in our mission.
00:48:40You must think of the Sultan.
00:48:42I did.
00:48:43And there was no comparison.
00:49:13Oh, good morning, Stuart.
00:49:14Morning, Captain.
00:49:15I did.
00:49:16You're not going to be long, are you?
00:49:17No, sir.
00:49:18You seem to have had a restless night.
00:49:21Oh, yes.
00:49:22Well, it's this hot weather, a strain of command.
00:49:25I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.
00:49:27Oh, you must try, sir.
00:49:29You really must.
00:49:34Lunch, you lady.
00:49:38I do hope you're feeling hungry.
00:49:41Well, I was.
00:49:42Oh, yes.
00:49:43The chef sends you his best wishes.
00:49:46What for?
00:49:46A speedy recovery.
00:49:55What is this, Keck?
00:49:58Don't blame me.
00:49:59Tonto, the ship's stores have run out.
00:50:01Just hold your nose when you eat it like everybody else.
00:50:04Next.
00:50:06You have a sickness of the motions.
00:50:08What motions?
00:50:10The motions of the ship.
00:50:11The mal-de-mer.
00:50:12The sickness of the sea.
00:50:14No, Doctor.
00:50:15It's the appalling food.
00:50:17I'd feel sick eating that even if I was stationary.
00:50:20I should be much better when I get back to Spain.
00:50:24Yes, but we're not going back to Spain.
00:50:27What?
00:50:29It is as I thought.
00:50:31Do the crew know this?
00:50:32Yes.
00:50:33And they're furious.
00:50:34A month at sea and not a sight of land.
00:50:36Doctor, we must return to Spain.
00:50:39We must.
00:50:40Listen to me.
00:50:41If you can persuade the men to make Columbus go back to Spain,
00:50:47my husband will pay every man-jack of you a year's salary.
00:50:52You've realised, of course, that this is mutiny.
00:50:55I didn't hear that.
00:50:56Kindly pass on my offer.
00:51:00Oh.
00:51:01This ship's biscuit is full of little crawly weevils.
00:51:05Is it lawful to eat living weevils?
00:51:07What an interesting idea.
00:51:09You know, it's never come up before.
00:51:11Well, it's coming up now!
00:51:15This food isn't fit for pigs.
00:51:17Yes, it is.
00:51:18Look, look.
00:51:19Gather all the men together.
00:51:21I've got a very interesting proposition.
00:51:37Are you all right, lad?
00:51:38Oh, Captain.
00:51:40I love you.
00:51:43Yes.
00:51:44Well, I'm very pleased to hear of your loyalty, but...
00:51:47But I love you.
00:51:48I love you.
00:51:49I love you.
00:51:50I love you.
00:51:51I love you.
00:51:51Don't overdo it, lad.
00:51:53I want no more than your loyalty.
00:51:56This beard and moustache is false.
00:51:59Yes, I always thought it was.
00:52:01Still, if you can't grow one and you want to look older, what's the harm in that?
00:52:05Look at me.
00:52:06Look at me.
00:52:08Yes, well, without that beard, you're quite good looking.
00:52:11Now, look, put it back on again and go and fetch me pudding.
00:52:14I am the one who came in the night.
00:52:19My erotic dream.
00:52:20Yes.
00:52:21I only pretend to be a man.
00:52:24I really am a woman.
00:52:27Oh, I am very glad to hear that.
00:52:30Most relieved.
00:52:33Then, perhaps, you could fetch me pudding.
00:52:36How would you feel about a Turkish spy?
00:52:40Is that the one they make with figs and suet?
00:52:42No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Captain.
00:52:44I'm an agent of the Sultan sent to spy on you.
00:52:47Can you ever forgive me?
00:52:49Oh, Captain.
00:52:50My darling.
00:52:51Can you?
00:52:55Oh, well, I'm sure I could, yes.
00:52:59Given time.
00:53:00But, Captain, time is running out.
00:53:02The crew are about to mutiny.
00:53:04Oh, nonsense, nonsense.
00:53:06I'll soon talk them out of it.
00:53:08Now, men, lads, friends, for we are all friends, are we not?
00:53:13I will.
00:53:14Comrades bound together by the dangers and hardships we have endured.
00:53:18I have great tidings for you.
00:53:21Today, tomorrow, at the latest, we shall reach land.
00:53:25You said that yesterday, Captain.
00:53:27And the day before.
00:53:29He's been saying it for a fortnight.
00:53:30Here, let's turn back.
00:53:31I will not turn back.
00:53:33Your last chance, Captain.
00:53:35Will you turn back?
00:53:36No.
00:53:37Right.
00:53:41You've got two minutes to make your peace with God.
00:53:44Very well.
00:53:45I ask God to forgive my sins.
00:53:48Amen.
00:53:50I have lived a wicked and profligate life.
00:53:53Amen.
00:53:54As a youth, I was a pirate.
00:53:57A pirate?
00:54:00Oh, yes.
00:54:00Yes, I plundered and looted.
00:54:03But most of all, I hoarded.
00:54:06I ask God's mercy for the hundreds of millions of Maravedas I have hoarded and hidden away,
00:54:12instead of sharing them among my fellow men.
00:54:17Now, as I depart this life, to show that I bear no man any malice,
00:54:23I do hereby give and bequeath this fortune
00:54:26to be shared equally among my fellow shivers.
00:54:30Oh, that's great.
00:54:32Hole away!
00:54:33Hole away!
00:54:34Hang on!
00:54:35Where is it?
00:54:37You're holding it.
00:54:38Not the road.
00:54:39The fortune.
00:54:41Hole of fortune.
00:54:42Hole of fortune.
00:54:42Yes, that is buried under an olive tree in Andalusia.
00:54:46Hole away!
00:54:48I'll tell you where to hole.
00:54:50Look, Captain.
00:54:51Which olive tree?
00:54:53Oh, you'll find it.
00:54:54Just keep digging, digging.
00:54:55I'm sorry.
00:54:56I can't talk more.
00:54:58Goodbye, my dear shipmates.
00:55:00Oh, Captain.
00:55:01Do as they say.
00:55:02Turn back.
00:55:03I really think you ought to, Captain, for your own sake.
00:55:08Couldn't we give you one last chance?
00:55:11No, one.
00:55:12One last chance.
00:55:12I am determined to go onwards or upwards.
00:55:15Hole away, men!
00:55:15Land!
00:55:16Land on the starboard bow!
00:55:18Oh!
00:55:19Oh!
00:55:21Oh!
00:55:23Land!
00:55:24Cut him down!
00:55:30Oh!
00:55:31Oh, darling.
00:55:33Are you all right?
00:55:34Yes.
00:55:35Unloose me, lad.
00:55:37Not so much emotion.
00:55:38Not in front of the crew.
00:55:40Captain, can you ever forgive me?
00:55:44Yes, of course I can.
00:55:46Oh!
00:55:46Oh, God!
00:55:48Are you taking the ship, Captain?
00:55:51Oh, yes, of course.
00:55:52Lower the anchor!
00:55:53Lower the anchor!
00:55:55Lower the anchor!
00:55:55Lower the boat!
00:55:56Lower the boat!
00:55:57Oh!
00:55:58Oh!
00:55:59Oh!
00:56:00Can you give me one good reason why I don't have you in?
00:56:04Yes.
00:56:05I used to be a pirate.
00:56:07I've got all this gold buried, and I want to share it with you.
00:56:14I'll deal with you later.
00:56:17Master the landing party!
00:56:18Master the landing party!
00:56:20Master the landing party!
00:56:21Stone the shells!
00:56:37No!
00:56:38Good night!
00:56:43Fast!
00:56:43It's so, Pontiac...
00:56:44What do you think of that?
00:56:45What the hell is that?
00:56:47I've never seen nothing like that before, have you?
00:56:49Nothing?
00:56:49You know what it looks like? Looks like a giant canoe with washing hanging all over the side of it.
00:56:55Yeah, and no paddles.
00:56:57Yeah, hey, you think it's some kind of a floating laundry service or something?
00:57:01Could be. Hey, maybe they're Chinese.
00:57:04Yeah, hey, look, they're lowering a little canoe from a big canoe. You know what that means?
00:57:08That means that they're coming ashore.
00:57:09Whoa, this could be good.
00:57:11Your wife's got any washing she needs doing?
00:57:13That's a very good idea. Here's what we do. Go back, we ask the wives, huh?
00:57:17Okay. Put that oil in the starch.
00:57:19Forward!
00:57:38I declare this land, wherever it is, under the protection of their majesties,
00:57:44King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Aragon and Castile!
00:57:49Hey!
00:57:50Mr. Mendoza, would you care to convey our best wishes and tell them what we've come for?
00:57:55What, you mean, speak to them?
00:57:57Well, you told me you spoke Chinese.
00:58:03Oh, make a hover!
00:58:10What did they say?
00:58:12He said he's not Chinese.
00:58:14So we're not in China?
00:58:15I'd say we were in India.
00:58:18Did you speak Indian?
00:58:19Well, not fluently.
00:58:21So it's sign language, eh?
00:58:23Now, in that, I'm fluent.
00:58:24Don't forget.
00:58:25What we came for?
00:58:26The treasure of the Indies.
00:58:27Gold.
00:58:28Gold!
00:58:31So he's found the Indies.
00:58:33Well, he's certainly found somewhere.
00:58:35Yes.
00:58:36All the same.
00:58:37The King and Queen will be all over him when we get back to Spain.
00:58:41You, madam, he is assured with unreliable and potentially treacherous savages who it is rumoured.
00:58:47Do some very strange things with chicken feathers, if you follow me.
00:58:51Yes, I do.
00:58:53And should any misfortune befall Columbus, you, as the King's officer, will of course be in charge.
00:59:01Do you follow me?
00:59:04Absolutely.
00:59:20Hi, Chief.
00:59:21Hey, how about what do you hear?
00:59:22What do you say?
00:59:22All right.
00:59:23Uh, we think there's some kind of traveling laundry.
00:59:27Oh, you're going to be kidding me.
00:59:36We.
00:59:38Dream.
00:59:39Gift.
00:59:42Oh, no.
00:59:43Not another mime troop.
00:59:44He can't even spell.
00:59:46But it's a nice suit.
00:59:53Him.
00:59:54Gift.
00:59:57Him.
00:59:59Gift.
01:00:00Him.
01:00:01Gift.
01:00:03Him.
01:00:04Garbage.
01:00:21what do you make of it some kind of vegetable looks like old dried cabbage
01:00:31what's it taste like horse shit is it cooked if it is they should shoot the cook
01:00:42well i'll be damned look at that they cook it while you're eating it so try it cooked
01:00:55what's it taste like now still tastes like horseshit
01:01:14so who are these guys i don't know who they are
01:01:17but you better tell them that we don't want no goddamn immigrants please we've got to be
01:01:22hospitable excuse me may i may i thank you i say we make them welcome yeah i say that we
01:01:29kill them
01:01:30now well we still got them outnumbered we can't do that we're civilized oh sure sure we're civilized
01:01:35but these sons of bitches could be cannibals pardon me excuse me uh do you have the big hat with
01:01:42the
01:01:42nice jewels no you don't see you have no feathers i see plenty of feathers here do you know why
01:01:46that's
01:01:46because i'm the chief you're the chief bingo that's why i say we make friends with them i say we
01:01:52show
01:01:52them our ways of peace of course that's just what i say all right all right okay you're the chief
01:01:56whatever you say whatever you say have it your way but you'll be sorry
01:02:03what everybody say let's do it my way but you're the chief goodman you're the chief
01:02:15three bells
01:02:18three bells
01:02:23gold
01:02:24gold
01:02:27gold
01:02:28gold
01:02:29we trade
01:02:31we trade
01:02:32me take gold
01:02:34you take
01:02:35bells
01:02:38no not balls
01:02:41bells bells bells
01:02:43balls
01:02:43balls
01:02:44rather nice
01:02:49nice in my cabin
01:02:50set my porthole up for truth
01:02:53watch out
01:02:55hello
01:02:56me ha ha
01:02:58him pocahontas
01:03:01what's a hauntus
01:03:03him tomato
01:03:05tomato
01:03:07eat eat
01:03:08oh eating tomato
01:03:09mmm
01:03:11what's it like
01:03:12oh lovely
01:03:13tomato
01:03:17him good
01:03:18tomato
01:03:19him go
01:03:26aha
01:03:27oh you don't think you mean to get you going do
01:03:28yeah
01:03:28certainly not
01:03:30probably means
01:03:31they're easy to grow
01:03:33so
01:03:34how's it going
01:03:36they're so
01:03:38primitive
01:03:39we want we take
01:03:41you give
01:03:42what do these guys want
01:03:44food women sheep
01:03:46sheep
01:03:46oh
01:03:49steady steady
01:03:52they want gold
01:03:53gold when they can have sheep
01:03:56you weren't married to my sister
01:03:58gold they want gold
01:03:59it's all they talk about
01:04:00wait hold on a minute
01:04:01all right and look
01:04:02we don't have very much gold
01:04:04and if we don't get rid of these guys
01:04:06we're not gonna have any
01:04:07tell me something i don't know
01:04:08what can you say they're simple primitive people
01:04:10stupid
01:04:10stupid as hell
01:04:14hello
01:04:16not brave
01:04:16not brave
01:04:17now diego these are a very peaceful people
01:04:20make sure the crew keep their hands
01:04:22off the winning
01:04:27you were saying captain
01:04:30now diego these are a very peaceful people
01:04:33i still say we get rid of these guys
01:04:35oh and you're gonna love this
01:04:36they want to see the gold mine
01:04:38wait a minute the gold mine the one that our ancestors mine for gold
01:04:40the one it's death to enter
01:04:42that's the one
01:04:43good
01:04:44and we'll take them there
01:04:49right lads this is what we came for
01:04:51gold
01:04:52the gold mines of the indies
01:05:01who is this
01:05:02shaman
01:05:03medicine man
01:05:03him make he
01:05:05big spells
01:05:09also first-class rainmaker
01:05:11also first-class rainmaker
01:05:11ha ha ha
01:05:14pull the other one
01:05:15ha ha ha
01:05:22all right
01:05:23all right
01:05:23all right you've made your point
01:05:30we're ready to go chief
01:05:34shaman say safe to go
01:05:37all the best
01:05:40shaman say safe to go
01:05:42all the best
01:05:55all right this is it fellas medicine man says this is where we are
01:05:59okay
01:05:59okay lunch
01:06:05shouldn't we have brought some food with us
01:06:06oh no no no no the indians have bought plenty
01:06:08and it's a lot fresher than ours
01:06:10good i just wondered
01:06:13what are those objects they're eating
01:06:16what are those objects they're eating
01:06:17and that's corn on the cob
01:06:18delicious
01:06:19fine
01:06:20well what about us
01:06:21yeah
01:06:22well you show us what you eat
01:06:24well we didn't bring any food with us
01:06:26oh
01:06:27is this a day of fasting and prayer for you
01:06:29no
01:06:30well why don't you bring anything to eat
01:06:32well we thought
01:06:33we'd share
01:06:34with you
01:06:36oh
01:06:36i get it
01:06:37you want to trade
01:06:38very good
01:06:39now
01:06:40what do you trade for the food
01:06:51three days now and still no news from the shore
01:06:55what on earth can they be doing
01:06:56i don't know but it's worrying
01:06:58i think perhaps we'd better go ashore and investigate
01:07:00i would take you ladies under my protection
01:07:02oh
01:07:03thank you
01:07:04chiquita
01:07:06yes m'lady
01:07:07could you ask your uh
01:07:08friend to row us ashore
01:07:11he will if he can find some oars
01:07:13what he does when he gets there
01:07:15is his concern
01:07:27no jerry not again
01:07:28who are you
01:07:31me chief
01:07:32you want trade
01:07:34trade
01:07:36how much gold you want for her
01:07:41you
01:07:43heathen
01:07:43is that good
01:07:44that
01:07:45is my daughter
01:07:46gold will not buy her virtue
01:07:48that of course does not apply to all of us
01:07:52chiquita
01:07:52oh i just thought i'd mark his card
01:07:56heathen
01:07:57i am
01:07:58i am
01:07:59i am
01:08:01i am
01:08:01i am
01:08:01i am
01:08:01i am
01:08:01i am
01:08:04hey columbia over here
01:08:06medicine man say this is where we are going to eat
01:08:08come on
01:08:09now look
01:08:10look
01:08:11we have nothing left to trade
01:08:14what about that
01:08:15hey what
01:08:16you give me that we give you enough food to get back to camp
01:08:18but from then on you're on your own
01:08:20wait wait
01:08:20why
01:08:21why
01:08:22for us to go into the mine is strictly forbidden
01:08:24we go into the mine it means a horrible death
01:08:27you know why
01:08:27unga polka kills us
01:08:29we're not frightened of him are we lads
01:08:32you speak for yourself
01:08:33that's very good
01:08:34that you are not frightened of him then you go into the mine okay
01:08:37and medicine man he'll go with you
01:08:40so he's not frightened of unga polka
01:08:42no no no
01:08:43he has magic all right
01:08:45very powerful magic
01:08:46he can never die
01:08:47he's immortal
01:08:48now are we gonna trade or what
01:08:50we may need these to defend ourselves
01:08:54you still don't get it do you
01:08:56that is no good against unga polka
01:08:58the medicine man is your only defense
01:09:01all right lads
01:09:02do as he asks
01:09:05go get this stuff
01:09:06it'll be my pleasure
01:09:13yeah what about the steward
01:09:15well the steward hasn't got a weapon have you
01:09:18nope
01:09:18no but he could give them his suit
01:09:21yes well you know he's my nephew and I'm really very worried about him catching cold
01:09:25what's the matter is he sick
01:09:27what's the matter is he sick
01:09:28what's the matter is he sick yes
01:09:42isn't his voice gone high
01:09:47isn't his voice gone high
01:09:48what's he done to him
01:09:49i don't know
01:09:50i feel quite peculiar
01:10:03oh my god what has he done to him
01:10:06i don't believe he turned a man into a woman
01:10:09this must be a new spell
01:10:11he's never done this before
01:10:12he doesn't make a habit of it
01:10:14this is the curse of unga polka
01:10:16get out of here
01:10:19dead
01:10:20oh sure
01:10:21from mines of doom
01:10:25nobody returns
01:10:26well then don felipe
01:10:29as the wife of the king's cousin
01:10:33i order you to take command
01:10:35thank you mom
01:10:38what
01:10:38that
01:10:40mean
01:10:40that mean we're leaving as soon as possible
01:10:43oh
01:10:43you
01:10:44no
01:10:44want
01:10:45gold
01:10:49we
01:10:50we wouldn't
01:10:51mind a bit
01:10:52oh go ahead use the heart
01:10:58but if you want
01:10:59gold
01:11:10we
01:11:10we
01:11:11trade
01:11:27right lads
01:11:28now stick together
01:11:29and pull them
01:11:38oh
01:11:48that'd be unga polka
01:11:50or wanna be picked in
01:11:51i don't know but i don't like the sound of it
01:11:56He doesn't sound too keen on it either.
01:12:27Did you hear that? He must have dropped for a mile.
01:12:31Yes, look.
01:12:34He's coming back up!
01:12:41I suggest we turn back.
01:12:42No lads, no, we've come too far for that. Press on!
01:13:04No lads!
01:13:14Ha!
01:13:21I don't think my heart can stand much more of this.
01:13:28Oh, I'm being interfered with.
01:13:32What's the matter? Come here, come here.
01:13:34I'm sorry, I'm still in the way.
01:13:36It's only a spider, mammy.
01:13:42Probably quite harmless.
01:13:45Tressant!
01:14:02I am not going any further.
01:14:05Neither am I.
01:14:11Well, that's it. We've got to go forward. There's no turning back.
01:14:18I'm not going anywhere.
01:14:19Ah!
01:14:20Ah!
01:14:20Ah!
01:14:21Ah!
01:14:30Ah!
01:14:37Ah!
01:14:44Oh, God.
01:14:54Wait.
01:14:55What now?
01:14:56The Earth.
01:14:58It's moving beneath us.
01:15:07The ship is provisioned and ready to sail.
01:15:10One more day.
01:15:12Please, just in case they're alive.
01:15:14They are dead.
01:15:16D-E-A-D.
01:15:20Dead.
01:15:32What happened?
01:15:33Mr. Columbus says that he's ready to go home.
01:15:36Wait, Chief.
01:15:38Wait.
01:15:39First, how well.
01:15:42How well.
01:15:50No, no, thank you.
01:15:51I'm not hungry.
01:15:56So, you no want to leave us?
01:16:02Not without some gold.
01:16:07All right.
01:16:08You got it.
01:16:09You want to trade?
01:16:09What do you got to trade?
01:16:10Oh, and no more little bells this time, all right?
01:16:12What do you think?
01:16:13I'm a rube.
01:16:13I've never been around the block.
01:16:14Jeez.
01:16:15No, wait.
01:16:16We want wine like your annoying lady friend gave us, all right?
01:16:18We want guns.
01:16:19We want gunpowder.
01:16:20No, no, no.
01:16:20You don't want guns.
01:16:21You, you are a peaceful people.
01:16:24Right.
01:16:25And then we met you.
01:16:26Became civilized.
01:16:28So, you want gold?
01:16:30Yes, sir.
01:16:31Big chunks of gold?
01:16:33Yes.
01:16:33We want wine and guns and gunpowder.
01:16:37All right.
01:16:38It's a deal.
01:16:43Have a nice day.
01:16:45Oh, hubba.
01:16:46Chief, bring the gold for trading.
01:16:49You know, the special gold, the one we use for trading with special people.
01:16:52Sure, chief.
01:16:55No, no, no.
01:16:56I'm still not hungry.
01:16:57Goodbye, Ahmed.
01:16:59I'm no longer a spy for the Sultan.
01:17:02What about me?
01:17:03What am I going to do?
01:17:04You could always go back to Turkey and continue working for him.
01:17:07Oh, he'll be angry at our failure.
01:17:09I'm going to lose me pay, me bonuses.
01:17:12He might cut off me emoluments.
01:17:14Well, if he does, you could always get a job as a eunuch.
01:17:18Goodbye.
01:17:24Take care of that road, there you are.
01:17:26Come on, there.
01:17:27Put your back in the wind.
01:17:30Put your back in the wind.
01:17:34Whoa, whoa.
01:17:35There you see on that road.
01:17:37All the way.
01:17:38After the way.
01:17:40Take sail.
01:17:41Take sail.
01:17:50So, you're the governor.
01:17:52Ooh.
01:17:53I have had the experience.
01:17:55Yeah, well, you know, your knuckle-headed friends made a lot of changes around here.
01:17:58Yeah.
01:17:59A little worse.
01:18:00No.
01:18:01Improvements.
01:18:04There's an improvement.
01:18:05More shootings, huh?
01:18:05But remember, everyone has the right to carry a gun, if you can afford one.
01:18:11Yes, well, we'd better get back to the governor's hut before dark.
01:18:15It's not really safe anymore around here, is it?
01:18:20Yeah, there is a gun.
01:18:26Look at it!
01:18:27Ten percent of it's mine!
01:18:29Ours?
01:18:30Ours, hours, of course.
01:18:32Yes, we'll discuss that late.
01:18:34Wait a minute, there's something wrong.
01:18:36What?
01:18:37It doesn't feel heavy enough.
01:18:39Give me a knife.
01:18:42Huh?
01:18:43Ooh.
01:18:46Ah!
01:18:48What's that?
01:18:49Sounds like the captain.
01:18:51Please, God, he's having a seizure.
01:18:53Come on, take some.
01:18:54It'll make you feel better.
01:18:56You better?
01:18:56How can I feel better?
01:18:58When we get back to Spain, they'll hang us.
01:18:59Well, it fooled us.
01:19:01Maybe it'll fool them.
01:19:02Do you think so?
01:19:14May it please your majesties to accept the first consignment of gold from the Indies.
01:19:32Behold the gold.
01:19:39Christopher Columbus, what can I say?
01:19:42Ah, is that all there is?
01:19:45This is a mere sample, sire.
01:19:47I'll bring you more on our next voyage.
01:19:50Silence in the name of Torquemada.
01:19:57Was this gold taken from the natives of the Indies?
01:20:01Yes, father.
01:20:02And were these Indians baptized?
01:20:05No, no.
01:20:06No, no.
01:20:07They are heathens.
01:20:08Then, under your majesty's laws, this gold, the property of heathen heretics, is confiscated by the Inquisition.
01:20:16Remove it from the court, for it is accursed, and accursed will be all those who touch it.
01:20:29Now, look what's happened.
01:20:31And it's all your fault.
01:20:32My fault?
01:20:33It's his fault.
01:20:34My fault?
01:20:35Yes.
01:20:36Why don't you have those Indians baptized?
01:20:39Exactly.
01:20:39Because, sire, you didn't send me a priest.
01:20:43All you sent was a bookkeeper.
01:20:44It's a point.
01:20:56Did you get rid of it?
01:20:57It sank like a sack of stones.
01:20:59There's one thing that worries me.
01:21:00Supposing somebody asked the Inquisition what happened to it?
01:21:03Bart, nobody questions the Inquisition.
01:21:05They're the ones who ask the questions.
01:21:16Bart.
01:21:23And as ship's captain, I now pronounce you man and wife.
01:21:30Do you love a nice wedding?
01:21:36Hmm.
01:21:49Carry on, Columbus.
01:21:52Ah!
01:21:55Ah!
01:21:57Ah!
01:22:00Ah!
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