- 12 hours ago
First broadcast 27th November 2015.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Jo Brand
Greg Davies
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Jo Brand
Greg Davies
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI.
00:07Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate marriage and mating.
00:12To help me tie the knot, I brought along a few mates.
00:16The ministerial, Bill Bailey.
00:23The matchmaking, Greg Davies.
00:29The maid of honour, Joe Brand.
00:36And the, must we really invite him, Alan Davies.
00:46So, let's hear your mating calls. Bill goes...
00:53You'll recognise that, Bill, being an animal man.
00:55Oh, er, should I? Is that an animal?
00:59It's, it's an obsidian.
01:01Oh, it's a, it's a frog of some kind.
01:03It's, it's a marine toad.
01:05LAUGHTER
01:10Joe goes...
01:14I do actually go like that.
01:18Well, that was a moose.
01:20And Greg goes...
01:26It's been a few years since I did that.
01:29LAUGHTER
01:29That is a spider monkey.
01:31Of course it is.
01:32Two animals to the price of one.
01:33Well, one to four.
01:34So, er, Alan goes...
01:36Hello, darling. You all right?
01:39LAUGHTER
01:42And that's the mating call of...
01:44Where do you come from, Alan, again?
01:45Essex.
01:46Yeah.
01:48And then you have sex.
01:49LAUGHTER
01:52Everybody wins.
01:53LAUGHTER
01:54But, what's the recipe for a disastrous marriage?
01:58Oh, no joke.
02:00Dead vicar?
02:02LAUGHTER
02:03It would be.
02:04It would be.
02:04Yep.
02:06A live vicar, lovely couple, escape Bengali Targa.
02:10Yeah, that's really tricky.
02:11You've painted a word picture, Greg, though.
02:14Let's think first about budget.
02:16The price of the wedding.
02:18The price of the wedding, yeah.
02:19Is it about 20 grand now?
02:22Yeah.
02:23Is that a good thing?
02:24I mean, does that affect the...
02:25Oh, I see.
02:25The long-term...
02:26So, the more you spend
02:27doesn't necessarily mean
02:28you're going to have a happier marriage.
02:30It's actually the more you spend,
02:32the shorter the marriage.
02:33Oh.
02:34Yes.
02:35Oh, really?
02:35Isn't that extraordinary?
02:36It is.
02:37Mine should be over in a couple of weeks.
02:39LAUGHTER
02:42What's the bloody fortune?
02:44LAUGHTER
02:45It was economists at Emory University Atlanta
02:48who discovered this.
02:49They found an inverse correlation between money spent
02:51and how long it lasts.
02:53Those who spent less than $1,000
02:55which is, what, £700,
02:57had divorce rates 53% below average,
03:01while those who spent more than $20,000,
03:03you were talking about that as a sum,
03:05had divorce rates 46% above average.
03:08But what about numbers who attend weddings?
03:10Is that a similar inverse correlation?
03:12The more who come, the shorter the marriage?
03:15Because of the cost factor.
03:17Occhly enough, the reverse is true.
03:19The more people who witness the wedding,
03:22the longer it lasts.
03:24Oh.
03:25So you've got to have a cheap wedding with lots of people.
03:27That seems to be the key.
03:29This is Randy Olsen, a PhD student at Michigan State.
03:32He found that couples who marry in front of more than 200 people
03:35are 92% less likely to get divorced than those who only have a few witnesses.
03:40You want to get married in Selfridges on Christmas Eve.
03:43Or maybe, if you want to have really cheap and cheerful with lots of people,
03:47maybe somewhere like McDonald's.
03:49In Hong Kong?
03:52For $900, you could get 200 guests at a McDonald's.
03:55McDonald's happy marriage.
03:57It's a happy marriage.
03:59You get a two-hour venue rental.
04:02You get 50 McDonald's land character gifts.
04:07You get two McDonald's balloon wedding rings.
04:09Yeah, but how many burgers do you get?
04:13Come on, give us that info.
04:15I'm thinking about getting remarried.
04:17It's a very simple ceremony, isn't it?
04:18You point to the bride.
04:20Do you love it?
04:21I'm loving it.
04:22Right?
04:22I'm loving it.
04:31I'm loving it.
04:33I'm loving it.
04:35I'm loving it.
04:36I'm loving it.
04:36I'm loving it.
04:37You love it.
04:37Put an onion ring on it.
04:38Did you know what?
04:39Do you know?
04:39Was this the Randy Olsen from Michigan State who discovered
04:43a picture of an erection with an onion ring on it?
04:46No!
04:48Oh!
04:49I'd have to get a thought out of your head,
04:52What was that? Un-in-ringed coits?
04:59I used to do a bit of stand-up about this thing that I found.
05:05That sounds great.
05:06What it was, we were doing a secret Santa, right,
05:09and it was a £10 limit, and I went in...
05:12There was quite a good adult shop on the Essex Road,
05:15and for under £10, the only thing they offered was anal hoopla.
05:21Oh, yeah.
05:22Anal hoopla consists of a stick,
05:25which goes, guess what,
05:27and three hoops.
05:33That's...
05:33It's an ice-breaker.
05:37Things have gone a bit flat, you know, in the bedroom area.
05:40Come on.
05:41I mean, the tone of this show is so...
05:43I'm sorry.
05:47I'm recalibrating.
05:49Who would have predicted anal hoopla?
05:53On the front of it, on the front of the packet,
05:56is a cartoon drawing, a bit like a saucy postcard.
05:59See, people playing it.
06:00As if they couldn't get anyone to actually demo it.
06:03Oh, my goodness.
06:04I dare say it doesn't work.
06:05Where was this for sale?
06:06At the Arsenal football ground.
06:09Yeah.asy.
06:12And the
06:14other hand... So we
06:20would want more of alcohol...
06:23Thank you!
06:26End of an
06:27orange hoopla!
06:39It's not over yet. I can't. I can't see that happening again.
06:43Bit of a hoopla. I mean, you know.
06:46I just think you get to a certain age and you're up for new experiences, Bill.
06:51Yeah, go on.
06:55That's it.
06:56You've got to be with a beardie and never go back.
07:00Well, I don't know. Is it human? You're talking humans?
07:02No, we're not talking humans. Of course not.
07:04You're talking buried in the ground, like a lungfish or something.
07:07Is it a tortoise?
07:08Yeah.
07:08No. I was just trying to think of things that lived for a long time
07:11that could not have sex trained on them.
07:14Well, if you... No.
07:15I beg your pardon.
07:16No, I wasn't doing it in person with you.
07:17It's like...
07:18No, I didn't think you were.
07:20But now I do.
07:21No, I had an aunt who couldn't say X.
07:24Oh, OK.
07:25X.
07:26I love aunts like that.
07:27A friend of mine, his aunt was in hospital having an operation on her leg
07:32and the surgeon came round to check how it was and she said to him,
07:36it's the first time I've had my legs together for years.
07:38And of course, everyone round the bedroom went...
07:41And she had no idea what it was.
07:44No idea what it was.
07:44No idea what it was.
07:45Yes, but this is an animal.
07:47And what it's about is when we say species have sex, what do we mean by that?
07:53Actually, conjoin.
07:54Conjoin.
07:55Yeah.
07:56We're going back hundreds of millions of years.
07:58Hundreds of millions of years.
07:58Dinosaurs?
08:00Yes, we're going back to that, but we're under the sea.
08:03The first animal known to have sex as a...
08:06Barnacle.
08:07No.
08:08The first species to do it was a fish called Microbachius dick-eye.
08:13Oh, come on.
08:16No, it is...
08:17Microbachius what?
08:17Dick-eye.
08:18Dick-eye.
08:19Dick-eye.
08:19D-I-C-K-eye.
08:21The old dick-eye.
08:22The old dick-eye.
08:23Microbachius means small arms.
08:24Small arms dick.
08:26Small arms dick.
08:27Small arms dick.
08:28Dick small arms.
08:28Dick small arms.
08:29Yeah.
08:31The Microbachius dick-eye, 380 million years ago, was the first creature that we know of to engage in internal
08:40organ sex.
08:41All right.
08:42Penetrative.
08:43Yes, penetrative.
08:44Exactly.
08:45Fortunately, it kept a diary.
08:49They had bony protrusions running down both sides of their bodies, and during copulation, the male's bony bits stuck to
08:54the females, like Velcro, which held them together.
08:57Oh.
08:58It looks quite sweet, though.
08:58So they had sex sideways.
09:00But it didn't really catch on.
09:02LAUGHTER
09:04And the species' descendants then evolved to stop having sex.
09:08Ah.
09:09No creature attempted to have internal sex again for between 20 and 40 million years, as far as they know.
09:16I'm not sure how evolution works.
09:18Would it have been one of these fish who just suddenly went, I think I'm going to try this today?
09:22LAUGHTER
09:24Maybe, maybe it started with the lady one laying the eggs and the man one fertilising the eggs.
09:32Yeah.
09:32And then one day saw the eggs coming out and he started to get ahead of the game.
09:35To beat the others.
09:36I think you're probably right.
09:37And those that did that passed on their genes more successfully.
09:42And said it got further and further inside.
09:44I think it's good.
09:44It looks like they're wearing blindfolds.
09:46It's a bit of Fifty Shades, isn't it?
09:49Yeah.
09:49Make me want it.
09:50What's that?
09:50What's that?
09:51Oh, it's me male claspers.
09:53Oh.
09:54It's really super-posed on a nice lolly.
09:58Yeah, happy face.
09:59Yeah.
10:01Anyway, animals first had sex 380 million years ago.
10:05They gave it a rest for around 30 million years.
10:08Who's still having sex?
10:10Not me.
10:11Not me.
10:11LAUGHTER
10:13I'll tell you what, these toads...
10:16They're begging for it.
10:17Begging for it.
10:18Are they having it?
10:19Are they having it?
10:19Who's still having sex?
10:20But long-term, some animals lock together for ages, don't they?
10:24Are we still in the animal kingdom?
10:25Well, Alan, you're in absolutely the right area,
10:28inasmuch as you've spotted our phrase, still having sex,
10:31as being having sex in a still position.
10:34Ah.
10:34Oh.
10:35So it is the species that most has to be utterly motionless
10:39when having sex that we could discover.
10:42Is it nuns?
10:44LAUGHTER
10:47It's not nuns.
10:49LAUGHTER
10:52Prehistoric nuns.
10:53LAUGHTER
10:54It's a moth.
10:56It's a moth.
10:57It's a moth.
10:57And so...
10:58There it is.
10:59Oh, right.
10:59There it is.
11:00Beautiful, beautiful moth.
11:01It's the gold, swift moth.
11:03And it's at its most vulnerable when mating,
11:05because it might move and exhibit ecstasy.
11:08So what it does instead is keep incredibly still.
11:11So that the back doesn't spot the twitch in the movement.
11:15But it has a wonderful repertoire of positions, sexual positions.
11:20It's unique amongst, because...
11:22LAUGHTER
11:23You don't want to disturb it.
11:25Look, there they are.
11:26I think...
11:27You know what, you went all David Attenborough.
11:30LAUGHTER
11:30As though we were sort of just about...
11:32We were there, yes.
11:33I think Stephen's worried about being attacked by a bat.
11:35LAUGHTER
11:35On the left, then, is the standard facing position.
11:41LAUGHTER
11:42And in the middle, an extraordinary upside down.
11:46See the tiny moth cock?
11:49LAUGHTER
11:49Mr Moth and Kate Moth.
11:52LAUGHTER
11:52LAUGHTER
11:55LAUGHTER
11:55But they are a marvellous species, I think, to agree.
11:58Yeah, the gold swift moth, it has to remain completely still
12:02and having sex.
12:04Now it's something completely different.
12:05Who's still having sex?
12:09LAUGHTER
12:11The, er...
12:12The gold...
12:13...fish...
12:14...moth?
12:14What was it called?
12:17The...
12:18God, dementia already.
12:19The gold swift moth.
12:20The gold swift moth.
12:20Oh, the gold swift moth.
12:21You get points for remembering.
12:26Oh.
12:26We are so impressed because it's very rare that anyone...
12:29I could remember the question that's just been asked.
12:31Oh, I was so close!
12:32I said goldfish moth.
12:33You were close, I know.
12:34Is this a new thing then?
12:35The master of memory?
12:36Yes, that's right.
12:37Wow!
12:38Yeah, well done you.
12:38Well, we get some slightly easier ones, like our names.
12:42LAUGHTER
12:44Cos my memory's terrible.
12:45I'm terrible.
12:46Yeah, really bad.
12:47Such a fabulously middle-aged new feature.
12:49Isn't it?
12:49I know.
12:50Our solo of memory.
12:52LAUGHTER
12:52Well done for remembering something seconds ago.
12:57LAUGHTER
12:57LAUGHTER
12:58Is it...
12:59Is it Neville Chamberlain?
13:02LAUGHTER
13:02Anyway...
13:03One of those rave parties.
13:06LAUGHTER
13:07LAUGHTER
13:08So, what was the question?
13:10Eh?
13:11Yeah?
13:11What?
13:11What was the question?
13:13Who's still having sex?
13:14Yes, well done.
13:15You've remembered that.
13:16I like a bit of cajury in the morning.
13:18LAUGHTER
13:20So, it's another question.
13:22Who's still having sex?
13:23Is it anything to do with that lady in the picture?
13:25No, the picture, as always, is a complete distraction.
13:27She's washed her smalls.
13:29LAUGHTER
13:29Old ladies don't wear underwear like that.
13:32That one does.
13:34LAUGHTER
13:34I think they're her husband's.
13:36Yeah.
13:37So, who's still having sex?
13:40Who?
13:41It's a fetish.
13:42Another animal?
13:43A fetish about having sex with things that are still.
13:46Oh, er...
13:46Statues?
13:47Yes.
13:48Oh.
13:49Absolutely right.
13:50Is it?
13:50Really?
13:51Yeah.
13:52What's the Greek myth of someone who fell in love with a statue?
13:55Oh, thing.
13:56Thing, yes.
13:58Well, can we do better?
13:59What does it begin with?
14:00It begins with, well...
14:01Pygmalion.
14:01The sculpture begins with P, Pygmalion, exactly.
14:04Pygmalion did a sculpture of...
14:06Yes!
14:06Memory, memory!
14:06Very good.
14:08Well, a fact.
14:09Let's wonder...
14:10Anyway, thank you.
14:13No.
14:14Pygmalion made a statue of Galatea and he fell in love of it.
14:18And in the myth, the gods took pity and breathed life into her.
14:22But it does seem to be a genuine passion people have,
14:25even in Greek times.
14:26The first recorded case, Pliny claimed...
14:28We love Pliny, don't we?
14:30Yeah.
14:30Oh, yes, yeah.
14:31Pliny claimed a Praxiteles naked statue of Aphrodite of Cnidus,
14:35which is the first naked female statue.
14:38Apparently she had a permanent stain on her leg
14:41from where a sailor got carried away.
14:43Wow!
14:45What do you like called?
14:46Seamen stains.
14:47Femen stains.
14:49Yeah, well, it's true.
14:50Right, literally.
14:51Clisophus was a man who tried to make love to a statue
14:54of the Temple of Samos.
14:55When he found the marble very, very cold,
14:58he changed his mind, laid out a piece of meat on the floor
15:01and made love to that instead.
15:03LAUGHTER
15:04It's an incredible jump to make.
15:06It is.
15:06A species jump.
15:07Oh, this statue's not working for me.
15:09Get me down the butchers.
15:11It's a bit odd, isn't it?
15:13But surely a statue is only a kind of less giving,
15:17blow-up doll, really, isn't it?
15:19This is a really good point, Joe, because you absolutely...
15:24LAUGHTER
15:26It's really...
15:27I know, except psychiatrists,
15:30those sexologists, as I call themselves,
15:32were early on puzzled by the fact
15:34that this particular fetish seemed to die away in the 1950s
15:40until they'd considered that maybe it was replaced
15:42by the love of blow-up dolls as they arrived on the market.
15:46So it is whatever that fetish is, that desire to...
15:49I suppose it's so often in the case of men's control power
15:53and all that sort of thing,
15:54you can control and have power over something that can't answer back.
15:56Well, I saw...
15:57It is inanimate.
15:58I saw a picture in the paper the other day
16:00of a very lifelike woman robot
16:03and I must admit, thinking to myself,
16:05it's not going to be long.
16:07It isn't, is it?
16:07LAUGHTER
16:08Wait a minute, that was Theresa May.
16:10LAUGHTER
16:17It was recognised as an illness
16:19until the mid-20th century when it was dropped
16:21because no actual cases presented themselves.
16:23What was it called?
16:24It was called agalmataphobia.
16:27Agalmataphobia.
16:28Oh, sorry, philia, rather.
16:30Phobia is...
16:30What's that, sorry?
16:32Agalmataphilia.
16:33Agalmataphilia.
16:34The proclivity of having sex with statues.
16:36Extraordinary words, yeah.
16:37OK.
16:38Agalmataphobia is the fear of having sex with statues.
16:40Yes.
16:41One of the fear of statues.
16:42Oh, I see.
16:43Yeah.
16:44Now, who married big-mouthed Margaret?
16:48Dennis.
16:49Oh!
16:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:53Well, thank you.
16:54Thank you, sir.
16:56Thank you, sir.
16:56Uh, well, how can you know big-mouthed Margaret?
16:59Was it tiny, todgered Tony?
17:02LAUGHTER
17:06If I said, erm, muckle-mowed-meg, would that help?
17:11Muckle being big and mowed being mouthed, Meg being Margaret.
17:15Is it Robbie Burns?
17:16Is it Robbie Burns?
17:30Walter Scott.
17:31Walter Scott, yes.
17:32Bloody!
17:37You are on fire!
17:41Yeah, and there you can see William Scott and the woman herself,
17:44muckle-mowed-meg.
17:45And William Scott was Walter Scott's great-great-grandfather,
17:49and he stole some cattle off the man,
17:52and he was sentenced to be hanged,
17:55or to marry the man's incredibly, apparently ugly, daughter,
18:01muckle-mowed-meg.
18:03I know, it's...
18:03What the court was this?
18:05LAUGHTER
18:05And William Scott said,
18:07I think I'll be hanged.
18:09LAUGHTER
18:10But at the very last minute, he changed his mind,
18:12and he married her, and they had a very happy marriage.
18:16And because of it, they had Walter Scott as a...
18:19Even Robert Browning wrote a poem on it,
18:22because they all worship Walter Scott in a way that we don't anymore.
18:25Jane Austen venerated him, particularly the European writers,
18:28Balzac and others, venerated him.
18:30Yes, William Scott said,
18:32I do, to muckle-mouthed-meg,
18:35and it's a good thing he did, or we wouldn't have Sir Walter.
18:38But who advised dissecting a woman before marrying one?
18:42I think my husband said something similar.
18:45LAUGHTER
18:48Some great, one of the Victorian...
18:50He was great, and he was 19th century.
18:52Oddly enough, I've mentioned his name today.
18:55He was a great writer.
18:57Walter Scott.
18:59No.
19:00Honoré de Balzac.
19:01Honoré de Balzac is the writer.
19:03I just said Balzac.
19:04I said Balzac.
19:05Yeah, I said Balzac.
19:06All right, all right, calm down.
19:08LAUGHTER
19:09Who is that? I'd know him anywhere.
19:10Did his fiancée hang herself?
19:14LAUGHTER
19:14Well, his fiancée...
19:16He stayed his fiancée for a very, very long time.
19:19He fell in love with a countess who said,
19:21you can't marry me until my husband dies,
19:24because she was already married.
19:25And it took 17 years.
19:27Eventually, they got married.
19:28Five months later, Balzac died.
19:30So it didn't get much use out of her, if that's the right word.
19:33I don't think it is.
19:34LAUGHTER
19:36He wrote a book in 1829 called The Physiology of Marriage,
19:39in which he said,
19:40a man ought not to marry without having studied anatomy
19:43and dissected at least one woman.
19:46Oh.
19:46So, I mean, the dead woman...
19:47It's such a bit creepy.
19:48It is a bit creepy.
19:49I guess it's so he knows the bits where they...
19:52Oh.
19:53..where everything is.
19:55Really?
19:55No!
19:56I hand my mother a cup of tea
19:57without knowing the workings of her hand.
20:00LAUGHTER
20:00That's a very...
20:01It's not very romantic, is it?
20:02Darling, er...
20:03I don't want it to be, she's my mother.
20:04I want to, er...
20:07There's a lot worse coming, which I'm not going to read you,
20:10because you're...
20:11Oh, please.
20:12He said that a man should weaken the will and strength
20:14of a wife by tiring her out under the load of constant work.
20:18LAUGHTER
20:19So that she has no energy left to cause trouble.
20:22LAUGHTER
20:23He deserved a big spank, didn't he?
20:24He was an early father of UKIP.
20:27LAUGHTER
20:28And, very weirdly, he said,
20:30never allow her to drink water alone.
20:32If you do, you are lost.
20:35LAUGHTER
20:36I mean, it's interesting.
20:37Within a few sentences,
20:39he's clearly just a fucking nutter, isn't he?
20:42LAUGHTER
20:42I'd find him hard to forgive if he wasn't such a looker.
20:48Did you know the Rodin sculpture of him, which is fantastic?
20:51It's one of the great works of art.
20:53I've rubbed against it.
20:55Have you?
20:56No!
20:56No, all right.
20:58Doesak drank 50 cups of coffee a day.
21:00I don't know if that excuses him.
21:02There's a cup of coffee,
21:03in case he didn't know what one was.
21:05LAUGHTER
21:05But he drank 50 cups of coffee a day.
21:08And when he found that didn't quite hit the spot,
21:10he then took to eating the grounds, coffee grounds.
21:12It was really weird.
21:13Well, I'm amazed he was as coherent as he was.
21:16LAUGHTER
21:16If I drank 50 cups of coffee, I'd be jumping off buildings.
21:20LAUGHTER
21:20Well, Beethoven always counted out exactly 60 coffee beans
21:25for every cup he drank.
21:28Kierkegaard, on the other hand, the philosopher,
21:30had 50 different coffee cups whenever he wanted a cup of coffee.
21:36I really want to kill him so much.
21:38LAUGHTER
21:38He instructed his secretary to select one of these cups
21:42and provide a valid philosophical reason for doing so.
21:46LAUGHTER
21:47He sounds like a right knob.
21:49LAUGHTER
21:50Invalid.
21:51Invalid.
21:52No, no.
21:53Take it away.
21:54LAUGHTER
21:55Anyway, Balzac thought that you should dissect a woman
21:58before marrying one.
22:00What do monkeys spend their money on?
22:02It depends on the monkeys, doesn't it?
22:04Your macaque will spend it on cigarettes and drink.
22:08Your mandrill, DIY.
22:11LAUGHTER
22:12APPLAUSE
22:13Glamour!
22:15Mandrill.
22:17Mandrill.
22:19Mandrill.
22:19Oh, I see.
22:20Surely the macaque would spend it on lavatory paper.
22:23LAUGHTER
22:25Oh, we're going that way, are we?
22:27LAUGHTER
22:29Food, I bet this...
22:30Is this going to be some sort of experiment
22:32where they got rewarded with something
22:34and they had to take it somewhere to get something else?
22:37Well...
22:37That sort of...
22:38They actually were taught...
22:39Monkey thing.
22:40They were taught the principles of money,
22:41monetary exchange.
22:42They were given silver discs
22:44and taught that they could exchange them for food.
22:47These are capuchins, so-called because of their colours,
22:50the creamy top...
22:51They really do look at a camera lens, don't they, monkeys?
22:53Yeah, those do.
22:54There's loads of monkeys all staring at a camera lens.
22:56Yeah.
22:57If you notice, there's one of them
22:58who's not looking at the camera lens.
23:00LAUGHTER
23:07Quite notably, yes.
23:09Unless that monkey has had a very unfortunate accident with a camera.
23:13LAUGHTER
23:13Or it's a different game of anal hoopla.
23:16LAUGHTER
23:18Why are cappuccins called cappuccino?
23:20Is it something to do with...
23:21Coffee, because they're coffee-coloured?
23:23Because they are the same colour as cappuccino.
23:25Cream colour at the top, dark at the bottom.
23:27That's why...
23:28Monks.
23:29That's right.
23:29It starts with the monks.
23:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:34What has gone wrong today?
23:36Something's gone wrong with me, I tell you, because...
23:40Cappuccino...
23:40Cappuccino monks have a cream-coloured cow and dark habit,
23:43and so the coffee was named cappuccino
23:46because it was creamy at the top and...
23:49Oh!
23:50And similarly, cappuccino monkeys have that colour.
23:53It's impossible to take your eyes off that one, wasn't it?
23:57LAUGHTER
23:58Imagine what's going on in his head.
24:00It is so severely inspecting, isn't it?
24:02Mate, you've got a problem back here.
24:03Yeah, really.
24:04LAUGHTER
24:04Something's just crawled into your arse.
24:08LAUGHTER
24:10Researchers at Yale taught cappuccino monkeys,
24:12in exchange for a certain number of tokens,
24:14they could buy a certain number of grapes
24:17or little cubes of jelly.
24:19Once they grasped this, the extraordinary thing was,
24:22they really got the whole concept.
24:23One of the monkeys used their new currency
24:26to give to a female to have sex with them.
24:29Essentially, a prostitute.
24:30And the female would then take the disc
24:33and buy herself a grape.
24:35So the money had gone, you know, through the system,
24:37as money does.
24:38But there was a separate piece of research in 2005,
24:41which involved...
24:42Macaques.
24:43Ah.
24:44...that showed that they pay to look at porn.
24:49LAUGHTER
24:51Well, that's true.
24:53Wow.
24:53But the extraordinary thing is only classy porn.
24:57Oh, that's all right.
24:58Yeah.
24:59They forfeited their usual reward,
25:01which was a glass of cherry juice,
25:04for pictures of the faces and bottoms
25:08of what are known as high-ranking females
25:10within the troop of Macaques.
25:13But they wouldn't look at pictures of the bottoms
25:17and faces of lower-ranked females
25:19unless they were given a glass of juice.
25:21So they would give up their juice
25:23to look at the porn of the high-ranking ones.
25:25Right.
25:25But they had to be paid monkeys
25:27to look at the other ones.
25:29That means it's extraordinary.
25:30They're monkeys.
25:31They're not...
25:32Again, again, I know I say this a lot,
25:33but who is funding this?
25:36LAUGHTER
25:38Kind of twisted.
25:41Yeah, I'll give them money.
25:42Yeah.
25:43Yeah.
25:44Anyway, what uses can you think of
25:47for a parachute on your wedding day?
25:50Dress.
25:51Yes!
25:51It's that simple.
25:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:07Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
26:09Exactly.
26:09And any spare or ones that were found in fields
26:13were grabbed by grateful people
26:15to turn into wedding dresses.
26:17There was a village in 1941
26:18where a German soldier had landed
26:21in his parachute.
26:22It didn't have a swastika on it, did it?
26:24LAUGHTER
26:26Fortunately not.
26:27Or if it did...
26:28Da-da!
26:29Da-da!
26:30Da-da!
26:31I say it.
26:32It's got a bloody swastika.
26:34LAUGHTER
26:34Well, they would get off.
26:36LAUGHTER
26:37I think that's unfair, bad tax.
26:40LAUGHTER
26:42Even if they were, it was great,
26:44cos that village turned them into bloomers,
26:46you know, into long knickers.
26:47Oh, that's all right,
26:48to have a swastika on your bloomers.
26:49LAUGHTER
26:49Well, no-one would see.
26:51They could be positively encouraged, actually.
26:54LAUGHTER
26:54There's something you don't know about me.
26:57LAUGHTER
26:59LAUGHTER
26:59LAUGHTER
27:01But they see a wedding dress
27:03and the majority of wedding dresses
27:05were not white until after the war.
27:09White was a more common colour than any other,
27:12but it still wasn't the majority.
27:13Jane Austen's mother wore a bright red dress,
27:16for example.
27:18Right.
27:18And Queen Victoria had a white wedding dress
27:20and that was quite a sort of fashion statement
27:23that people copied.
27:24But things didn't get really white
27:26until the age of the washing machine
27:28and things like that.
27:29Right, it was a luxury,
27:30afforded by the rich.
27:31But even, yeah.
27:31And even in the 50s,
27:32people expected to wear their wedding dress again.
27:34It wasn't a one-off thing that it is now.
27:37But I'll tell you an interesting thing
27:38about Queen Victoria.
27:40Yeah?
27:40Yeah.
27:41When she died towards the end of her life...
27:45LAUGHTER
27:45No, it's for God's sake.
27:46Go on, I feel guilty about telling you.
27:48She won't find out.
27:50She was wider than she was tall.
27:53Really?
27:54So...
27:55LAUGHTER
28:02I wore my wedding dress again, actually.
28:05Do you?
28:05Yeah.
28:05I went to a fancy dress party as Alaska.
28:09LAUGHTER
28:11Tell us more about...
28:13She was 59 inches tall
28:15and she was 66 inches wide.
28:18Wow.
28:18Really?
28:19No.
28:20Why?
28:20It's a conference.
28:21Yeah, I was going to say.
28:22Sorry, not white.
28:23Possibly a bit...
28:26Sorry.
28:27That's a conference.
28:29Yeah.
28:30I don't mean with.
28:31But I mean...
28:31All the way round was 66.
28:33We're going to have to knock through.
28:35Yeah.
28:37I'll get through any of the doors.
28:39LAUGHTER
28:40And that's how the Victoria line starts.
28:43LAUGHTER
28:44She needs a pew of her own.
28:47LAUGHTER
28:48The Albert Hall was just a cast of her body.
28:51LAUGHTER
28:52This is a bust size I'm talking about.
28:5466.
28:55Wow.
28:56Wow.
28:57Good Lord.
28:58She was very short.
28:59There's some low in there.
29:01LAUGHTER
29:01Her bloomers were sold quite recently for over £6,000.
29:05It's been an enormous swastical.
29:07LAUGHTER
29:08Almost certainly a swastical.
29:09And what do you think their waist was?
29:10Because bloomers start at the waist.
29:11They're like sort of pants that go down.
29:1380 inches.
29:14But that's...
29:15X-XL.
29:16There were X-XL.
29:17There were lots of X's.
29:1756-inch.
29:1856.
29:19I'm so sorry.
29:20I got it all wrong.
29:21It's 52.
29:2253?
29:23Completely exaggerated.
29:24And she was what?
29:2559 inches.
29:27Four foot 11.
29:28Bless her.
29:29A tiny little queen.
29:31LAUGHTER
29:32So, what uses can you think of for a half-naked Frenchman
29:36on your wedding night?
29:39LAUGHTER
29:40That was the other half.
29:42Hoo-pla.
29:45There is an half-naked Frenchman.
29:47There's a...
29:48Gérard Depardieu.
29:49He's about three times that size now, isn't he?
29:51He's gone on Victoria, hasn't he?
29:54Yeah.
29:54He is a little bit tubblier than that now, it must be said.
29:56It's not actually a question about Depardieu.
29:59It's a question about an half-naked Frenchman.
30:02So, what we're talking about...
30:03Would you use a bit of a run-out first, if it were?
30:07A practice?
30:08We're going back to, in this case, the 16th century,
30:11and we're thinking about how a marriage can be shown to work,
30:16especially in royal circles.
30:18Le droit de seigneur?
30:19Well, no, it's not that.
30:20That's one thing, but...
30:21The old blood on the sheet routine.
30:23Well, the blood on the sheet demonstrates what?
30:26Consummation.
30:28Consummation.
30:28Marriage is considered invalid, ultimately.
30:31Without consomme.
30:32Yeah, without consomme.
30:34So, if the man has not done his duty by the woman...
30:37...Henry VIII again.
30:38Well, exactly.
30:39And this is precisely...
30:40We're talking about Henry VIII's family here.
30:42But it doesn't have to be on the first night, does it?
30:45It doesn't have to be the first night,
30:46but the first night gets it all out of the way.
30:48Oh, okay.
30:50So, we're in the royal circles here.
30:52You mentioned Henry VIII,
30:53and we're actually in the world of Henry VIII's sister.
30:56She was a Tudor, and her name was Mary,
30:58but she's not to be confused with Mary Tudor,
31:00who was Henry's daughter, the bloody Mary, as she was also known.
31:03There she is.
31:04She married Louis XII of France.
31:07Louis XII had better things to do on the wedding night.
31:11So, Mary went into the bedroom, she took off her clothes,
31:14and the Duc de Longueville
31:16pulled off his hose and his doublet,
31:19and he laid a bare leg and thigh on the bed
31:23until they touched hers under the covers.
31:26Bip!
31:27All the people there, it was a crowd,
31:31applauded, and that was consummation.
31:33Even though it wasn't even the husband.
31:36Oh.
31:36That's how mad the period was.
31:38He was proxy.
31:40Oh, I see.
31:41So, that was a gig, then?
31:42You could get that as a gig, you know,
31:43to sort of touch legs.
31:44Being the proxy.
31:45Yeah, the leg-toucher.
31:46Yeah, the leg-toucher.
31:47Leg-toucher to royal brides.
31:48Yeah.
31:49In the taverns, yeah, I'm leg-toucher to the royal.
31:52Yeah.
31:53Oh, I touch them all, you know.
31:54Oh, I touch them all, eh?
31:55Oh, yeah.
31:56I think they had to check them, um, medically,
31:58before they were allowed to do it, though,
32:00to make sure they didn't have any sort of venereal disease,
32:03because they didn't want a poxy proxy.
32:06LAUGHTER
32:09APPLAUSE
32:12Oh, well, well, well.
32:13APPLAUSE
32:14I know you walked out on a windswept cliff,
32:18but there was a beautiful cake at the end of it.
32:20LAUGHTER
32:22Yes, Mary Tudor got a bit of a leg over,
32:24but it wasn't her husband's.
32:26Now it's time to enrol in the dreaded school of general ignorance.
32:30Describe the sex chromosomes of the Queen.
32:33Uh...
32:33Oh, no.
32:34X's and Y's.
32:35Y's.
32:35Two Y's.
32:38An X and a Y.
32:39E and R.
32:40Yeah.
32:41One doesn't have chromosomes.
32:43LAUGHTER
32:43One has a chromosome proxy, you know.
32:47LAUGHTER
32:47Well, you've just given me very seriously male chromosomes.
32:51Right.
32:51And...
32:52I was having a go, though, when I was trying.
32:53You were!
32:55I'm under pressure up here.
32:56You've actually done rather well.
32:58Have I?
32:59Yeah.
32:59I mean, generally speaking, human beings have...
33:02How many pairs of chromosomes?
33:04One?
33:04Two?
33:05No.
33:05We have 23.
33:06Which is not as many as a potato.
33:08LAUGHTER
33:09We have 23 pairs,
33:11and one of those pairs determines our sex, our gender.
33:13And if you're a female, you're...
33:17X-X.
33:17X-X.
33:18And if you're a male...
33:19X-Y.
33:20X-Y.
33:20I thought it was Y-Y.
33:22Generally speaking, we've got the Y.
33:25If you've got Y-Y, what are you, then?
33:27LAUGHTER
33:28Come on, George.
33:29I'll tell you what the other is.
33:33But the Queen has given birth to males.
33:36Ah.
33:36And does that change you?
33:37There's a little bit of two-way going on in the womb,
33:40up and down the placenta, as it were,
33:42and that is that if you have a male child inside you,
33:46it has X-Y chromosomes, of course,
33:48and a little bit of that X-Y chromosome
33:50will lodge inside the mother and stay there.
33:53A 93-year-old woman recently was found to have
33:56the X-Y chromosome as an element in her head
33:59from a male child she'd had decades ago.
34:02Oh!
34:03So the Queen will have, having had three male children,
34:08namely...
34:08Er...
34:09Is that...
34:10George?
34:12Andrew?
34:13Yes.
34:14That's right, very good.
34:14Lucky, lucky and lucky.
34:17And then somewhere there will be remnants
34:20of the X-Y chromosome.
34:22Is he more likely to like football?
34:24Yeah.
34:25Prince Philip was in the school,
34:26children were showing him,
34:27and they were saying,
34:28if you inspect the genes,
34:29you can tell the gender.
34:31And Prince Philip said,
34:32well, can't you just pull them down?
34:35LAUGHTER
34:38Oh, bless him.
34:40Yes.
34:41He's a card, isn't he?
34:42Er, here's an easy one.
34:44How many legally recognised political parties
34:47are there in China?
34:50Yes, Greg.
34:51One.
34:52Stop!
34:56No, it's not one.
34:58Nan?
34:59Er...
34:59You see, you've played this game a lot,
35:00you're thinking...
35:01No.
35:02LAUGHTER
35:04Two.
35:09We could have fun here, couldn't we?
35:11There were actually eight other parties
35:14other than the Communist Party.
35:15Right.
35:15Oh.
35:16Isn't that extraordinary?
35:17They are a multi-party state,
35:19and there they all are.
35:20Day release from prisons.
35:24So, what's the maximum number of children
35:27allowed in every family in China?
35:29Oh.
35:31Oh.
35:32Oh.
35:33Go on.
35:33Who's going in?
35:34Go in.
35:34Do it.
35:35Do it.
35:36Go on.
35:36Go on then.
35:37Have a clump.
35:41They had a policy.
35:46They did have a policy.
35:47But it was never all the people of China,
35:49all the families of China were affected.
35:51For example, if you were an ethnic minority,
35:54it didn't apply to you.
35:56Ethnic minority meant anyone who wasn't Han Chinese.
35:5936% of the population was subject to a one-child rule,
36:03but never the whole of China.
36:05The average number of children a Chinese woman bears is 1.4.
36:09That's weird.
36:09What do you think it is in...
36:11What do you think it is in Britain?
36:13I thought it was 2.4 children.
36:152.
36:151.7.
36:171.8.
36:181.9.
36:191.9.
36:19You were nearly there.
36:21And I'd be very impressed if you knew the country
36:23in the world with the highest birth rate.
36:25This country is an anagram of what Queen Elizabeth does.
36:30Niger.
36:31Yes!
36:32Wow!
36:33Very good.
36:41Did you just ask her what she had for breakfast?
36:44Yes!
36:45Because I want to know what combination of things she's had
36:47that makes her brain work so well today.
36:49Yes, the Queen reigns and it's Niger.
36:51Niger.
36:537 is the average.
36:54Good lord.
36:56It's quite a burden for a woman in Niger.
36:58Now, name a monogamous bird.
37:00Me.
37:03Swamp.
37:06Sorry, we just couldn't get through there.
37:10Is it?
37:11Penguin.
37:12Penguin from the audience.
37:14Oh, it's the audience swamp.
37:19That's what we might have done, audience.
37:22That's what we might have done.
37:22That's a clever now.
37:26No, it's a nun.
37:28It's a nun.
37:29It's a nun.
37:33Almost no birds are monogamous.
37:35Even ones that are thought of as monogamous are not truly monogamous.
37:39They misbehave.
37:40They cheat.
37:41I mean, the only one we've come up with is the black vulture.
37:44Where you do genetic tests.
37:47Oh.
37:48What a proud, handsome fellow.
37:51Good girl.
37:52He is monogamous.
37:53He is.
37:53He's not my choice.
37:56No infidelity is found by DNA.
37:59DNA testing.
38:00Whereas in almost all the other birds.
38:01Ducks.
38:02Oh, they're dirty sods.
38:03Oh.
38:05Swans, and also black swans in particular.
38:08One in six cygnus is the result of extra pair copulation.
38:11What we would call extramarital.
38:13Yes.
38:13Despite the love heart and the beautiful, romantic shape that they make.
38:17Other orders or classes of animal that are genuinely monogamous,
38:20apart from black vultures, are the flatworm diplozoan paradoxum.
38:24When a male meets a female, they actually fuse together,
38:27so they don't really have any choice in the matter.
38:29They remain faithful till death.
38:31Isn't it right?
38:32And voles.
38:34That's very sweet.
38:35Oh.
38:35You look at that.
38:36You need not love a vol.
38:37There he is.
38:38Everything eats them as well.
38:39It's such a shame for them.
38:40Owls.
38:41An owl can hear the heartbeat of a vole.
38:46Or a shrew.
38:47I would say, when it's four feet underground, when it's flying overhead.
38:51Oh, it's amazing.
38:52And they've got their concave face, the owls, just like an echo chamber,
38:55and they can hear the heartbeat underground.
38:57Isn't that amazing?
38:58They say they can, anyway.
38:59Yeah.
39:12I saw I saw an owl flying for the first time in my life this year and they make
39:17no noise at all do they no apparently they're really sick they're not as wise
39:21as people have been going on about others are really stupid they don't know where
39:38they live well those are monogamous and charming and indeed their names are an
39:42anagram of yes well many supposedly monogamous birds have a little tit on
39:50the side who can marry you at sea the captain of the ship
40:05Vico happened to be on the ship ship's entertainer
40:15the ship's captain can't and never has been able to come it from then why do I
40:21know that to be true it seems to come from films you know all kinds of things the
40:25amorous adventures of more bill there's your pipe character made flesh good God I
40:35can't marry you but I can have a bloody good go
40:42the things I can do this for start you wouldn't believe madam
40:47I cannot
40:50I used to play hoopla with this mistake
40:54once I bring the pipe into play
41:02the only country we could find where it is true that the captain can marry is
41:07Japan Japan yeah but the couple has to be Japanese as well but the captain can if
41:11the couple is Japanese all right he's punchy above his weight that's
41:18I think it's right yeah a ship's captain is no more qualified to marry you than I am so to
41:31the
41:32scores oh my actual well in first place the blinding the anagrammatically factually
41:38gifted Joe Brad with
41:43plus seven it's a rare plus in uh in second place what a debut with minus four it's
41:52great
41:58the
41:59place with a mighty minus 13 is Bill Bailey
42:07but never knowingly out hopeless with minus 32 is
42:19the
42:19the
42:20we need to thank Greg Bill Joe and Alan and I leave you with this wise old adage
42:24it's off a bumper sticker marriage is like a hurricane it starts with all that sucking and
42:29blowing and in the end you lose your house good night
42:32the
42:32the
42:32and
42:32the
Comments