- 11 hours ago
First broadcast 11th December 2015.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jimmy Carr
Aisling Bea
Danny Bhoy
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jimmy Carr
Aisling Bea
Danny Bhoy
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:03Evening and welcome to QI for the middle show of the M series,
00:10which is in the middle of the alphabet,
00:12where our theme is, well, not so much middle as muddle, to be honest.
00:17But we have the magnificent Aisling B!
00:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:23The mighty Danny Boy!
00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:28The magnetic Jimmy Carr!
00:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:35And the miscellaneous Alan Davies!
00:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:41And their buzzers are merrily multifarious.
00:46Aisling goes...
00:47Here we go round the mall breavers, the mall breavers, the mall breavers.
00:52Danny goes...
00:54This old man, he played well,
00:56He played knick-knack on my drum.
00:59Jimmy goes...
01:01Three blind mice...
01:04Three blind mice...
01:06Three blind mice...
01:06It's like the soundtrack of a horror film.
01:09LAUGHTER
01:09And Alan goes...
01:10My boy...
01:12Will you go to bed?
01:15LAUGHTER
01:15Was that a gunshot?
01:17At the end, yeah.
01:19Well, the best place to start, I always think, is in the middle.
01:23How do you know when a chimpanzee is having a midlife crisis?
01:28Does he get a Chinese tattoo?
01:31LAUGHTER
01:32Just on the back of his neck.
01:34A motorbike.
01:34A motorbike.
01:36A motorbike.
01:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:45Where does the phrase midlife crisis come from?
01:47How long has it been in the language, do you think?
01:49Do you think the Victorians used it?
01:50Do you think...?
01:51I bet it's more recent.
01:52I bet it's like a 50s.
01:53Yeah.
01:54Because it was about buying sports cars and doing those kind of crazy...
01:58Divorcing your wife and going out with someone of 22.
02:00It was actually 1965 that a psychologist decided on this midlife crisis.
02:06He thought that only geniuses got a midlife crisis.
02:09He used the phrase, but he said it was something that happened to geniuses.
02:12But it's not only us.
02:14It's not only us.
02:15Stephen, I...
02:16Is it, Alan?
02:17You get them too.
02:18Yeah.
02:18LAUGHTER
02:19I went to...
02:20I went to my...
02:21I went to my doctor and I said,
02:24I hate the West and I want all the infidels dead.
02:27And he said,
02:28Don't worry, you're just going through a midlife ISIS.
02:31LAUGHTER
02:34Congratulations.
02:35Of course, they might be in the Olympics by the time...
02:38LAUGHTER
02:39That would have been an extraordinary turnaround of fortune for them.
02:43If you'd be in the next World Cup, FIFA would take them.
02:45What, ISIS?
02:46Yeah, of course.
02:47Yeah, they'd be in England's group.
02:48This is...
02:49A group of deaths.
02:51LAUGHTER
02:53That is supposedly a man in midlife crisis.
02:56He's in midlife crisis, he's going to live to 300,
02:58which is very...
02:59LAUGHTER
02:59The awkward thing about midlife crisis,
03:01I've had some friends that have gone through them recently
03:04and they've left their partners
03:05and they've gone out with much younger women
03:06and they've bought sports cars.
03:07And the most difficult thing is pretending to my other half
03:11that, oh, it's terrible, isn't it sad?
03:14LAUGHTER
03:15Oh, he's...
03:16Oh, God, he's had a disaster there.
03:18LAUGHTER
03:19Yeah, apparently she used to be a dancer.
03:21Yeah.
03:22Yeah.
03:23Yeah.
03:24LAUGHTER
03:25He's not...
03:26Is he happy?
03:27No.
03:28Yes.
03:29LAUGHTER
03:30He can't stop smiling.
03:32He showed me some photos on his phone, it looks amazing.
03:36LAUGHTER
03:36Well, it turns out that chimpanzees, when they're young, they're high,
03:40and when they get to middle age, they kind of go down and then up again,
03:44which is supposedly what a midlife crisis is.
03:46Does it only affect the men or does it affect the women chimps as well?
03:49Well, it seems to be a male thing, doesn't it?
03:51Yeah.
03:51I heard that, sister monkeys.
03:53LAUGHTER
03:53Are those guys laughing at the ginger ones?
03:55LAUGHTER
03:57Well, the tests were done on the ginger ones or a rang of dancers.
04:00The ginger ones.
04:01The ginger ones, yes.
04:02The ginger ones, yes.
04:03And on the chimpanzees.
04:05But there are some well-known examples of people in middle age
04:08doing extraordinary things.
04:09Henry VIII was 35.
04:13Is he 35 in that picture?
04:14I think in that picture he's a little older, probably.
04:16His reaction to a midlife crisis was pretty extreme, though.
04:20LAUGHTER
04:21Well, it was.
04:22He fell for a younger woman when he was 35, called Anne Boleyn,
04:26and, as a result, broke with...
04:30Catherine of Aragon.
04:31No, he broke with her as well, that's true.
04:32He divorced her against the Pope's wishes.
04:35Well, she didn't give him an heir, did she?
04:36It's her own fault.
04:39LAUGHTER
04:41He should have magicked her up a boy.
04:43She was a failure.
04:44He had a boy, though, but he was a bastard, wasn't he?
04:46He couldn't be king.
04:47Yeah.
04:48So he had some messy break-ups?
04:49He had messy break-ups, but at 35, that was the year
04:51he really pushed it up.
04:53You know, he broke with Rome, founded his own church.
04:55And, er, who else was there?
04:57Well, Jesus and Buddha.
04:59Would you call Jesus as a midlife crisis?
05:03He died when he was 33, so when was his midlife crisis?
05:06Well, in his 30s.
05:07I mean, before he was 30, he didn't really do anything.
05:09Well, what about Buddha?
05:10I mean, there was the weight gain.
05:11He was...
05:12LAUGHTER
05:14LAUGHTER
05:15From Siddhartha to a big pop band.
05:17Yeah, I think that's kind of...
05:18That's the middle-aged thing, isn't it?
05:19You just get into box sets and a bit more take-out twice a week.
05:24It's not good for you.
05:25Yeah.
05:25Well, he didn't become the Buddha until he was in his 40s.
05:28About 48 years.
05:29Oh, was his name before that?
05:30Maybe, well, 30s.
05:31So there's still a chance for me, is there?
05:32Well, no-one really knows what these things are about,
05:35except that it does seem to be a pattern with men.
05:38Now, what mania was started by a few myopic Merseysiders?
05:43Well, pretty good.
05:46Yeah.
05:46OK, go ahead.
05:47Does this buzzer stop Jimmy speaking?
05:48Try again.
05:49LAUGHTER
05:51LAUGHTER
05:52I was just going to say...
05:55LAUGHTER
05:56LAUGHTER
05:57LAUGHTER
05:58LAUGHTER
05:58LAUGHTER
06:00I find the buzzer really disconcerting.
06:03It does feel like someone's about to get murdered.
06:05Oh, go to bed.
06:06LAUGHTER
06:08LAUGHTER
06:09There's...
06:10..childish ghost cries.
06:11LAUGHTER
06:13LAUGHTER
06:15It's usually, er, the Beatles.
06:17Hmm.
06:18Isn't it?
06:19Yeah, it's usually the Beatles.
06:20The Beatles is what you're saying.
06:21The Beatles.
06:22He's saying the Beatles.
06:25LAUGHTER
06:25LAUGHTER
06:27LAUGHTER
06:28LAUGHTER
06:29Very good.
06:30No, is the answer.
06:32It was a mania, but not Beatlemania.
06:34On Merseyside.
06:36Myopic Merseyside.
06:37Myopic's short-sighted, is it?
06:39Yes, myopic's short-sighted.
06:40Partially sighted.
06:41So what M could help you with partial sightedness?
06:44My glasses.
06:45LAUGHTER
06:48Yes.
06:49Or any particular type of ophthalmic instrument that would help...
06:53Monocle.
06:54Monocle is the right answer.
06:56Yeah, very good.
06:57It was a praise for...
06:59APPLAUSE
07:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:06I kind of knew that cos there happened to be a monocle next to me.
07:09LAUGHTER
07:09It was a bit of a giveaway.
07:11There you are.
07:12Pop them in.
07:12It was a fashion thing that seemed to sweep Liverpool...
07:15Oh, you do...
07:15I could imagine it taking off again, to be honest.
07:17Yeah, you do look very...
07:18LAUGHTER
07:19Oh, John and Jimmy!
07:21Oh, my goodness.
07:22My old pal.
07:23What are you laughing at?
07:25What are you laughing at?
07:26Jimmy, you have never looked more like a ventriloquist at all.
07:30LAUGHTER
07:31APPLAUSE
07:33LAUGHTER
07:36LAUGHTER
07:38LAUGHTER
07:42LAUGHTER
07:43LAUGHTER
07:43LAUGHTER
07:44LAUGHTER
07:44LAUGHTER
07:45LAUGHTER
07:46I now feel slightly haunted.
07:48LAUGHTER
07:49Thank you for bringing your hand there, by the way.
07:50It's really special.
07:52LAUGHTER
07:53I love it.
07:54They weren't fit because monocles had to be made to fit,
07:56which is why they were expensive, and because they were expensive,
07:59they were associated with the upper classes.
08:02LAUGHTER
08:03And even when you wear them,
08:05it's very hard not to look rather kind of like that, isn't it?
08:07Yeah.
08:07At what point in history did someone just go,
08:09make that mental leap between...
08:11LAUGHTER
08:11I've got it here, and I've got a little bridge here.
08:15LAUGHTER
08:15LAUGHTER
08:15It'll never take off.
08:16Well, it's funny you should say that.
08:18Which came first, the monocle or the spectacles?
08:20I'm going to say the spectacle.
08:22Yes.
08:22Spectacles by hundreds of years.
08:24When did you think the monocle came in?
08:261974.
08:27LAUGHTER
08:29They came in in the 1800s, and they were instantly a success,
08:34but they were expensive, and we associate them with, I suppose...
08:39Oh, there I am.
08:40There you are.
08:40Yeah, there you are, yeah.
08:42LAUGHTER
08:42I had all three of them.
08:43They knocked that up pretty quickly.
08:45Yeah.
08:46But something gave them a rather bad image in the 20s.
08:48Californian vegetables.
08:50Nazis.
08:50Nazis and, in fact...
08:52LAUGHTER
08:53Californian vegetables!
08:56LAUGHTER
08:59By Jove, they're awfully good!
09:02LAUGHTER
09:02So, yeah, there was...
09:04You were not instantly posher.
09:05Aristocrats, German soldiers, Generals, Ludendorff, War 1, Krebs,
09:08various of those figures there.
09:11Yeah, they were...
09:11That was...
09:12Advance?
09:13They really did never stop trying to look more evil, did they?
09:17No, no squinting.
09:18What can we add to this?
09:19I've got the, you know, the skull and crossbones.
09:21I've got the weird look.
09:23Yeah.
09:23I've got the steely eyes.
09:24They're a very good fit.
09:25I'd all put one spectacle lens over here.
09:27What about a monocle?
09:29That would make us more evil.
09:30LAUGHTER
09:33So, who were the famous monocle wearers that you could name?
09:35Patrick Moore.
09:36That's one.
09:37Good.
09:38Goebbels.
09:40No, he didn't...
09:41Hitler.
09:41Hitler!
09:43LAUGHTER
09:43He wanted to set him off lovely.
09:45No, he didn't.
09:46He didn't.
09:47Mr. Peanut from the Peanuts.
09:49Yes, that's right.
09:50The Planters Peanuts, Mr. Peanut.
09:51Can anyone think of any?
09:52No.
09:53Harry Thomas?
09:54No, I don't think he did.
09:56No.
09:57You're all right?
09:58Did Churchill never wear one?
09:59Churchill never wear one.
10:01Jesus?
10:01Erich von Kohlheim.
10:02Jesus.
10:03Jesus wore one.
10:05LAUGHTER
10:06Chris Eubank.
10:08Chris Eubank!
10:10Of course.
10:11It doesn't count if you're driving a monster truck through Brighton at the time.
10:15LAUGHTER
10:16There was a very peculiar thing that it started in 1902, which was the New York Times.
10:21Where there was a joke originally, but it seems to have become one because it's so preposterous,
10:26is they keep predicting the return of the monocle.
10:28So in 1902, they said it was going to come back.
10:32Then in 1936, they reported that more than 20 British MPs had one.
10:361941, they found that monocle sales were up 50%, but then they dropped again because...
10:41That was a pair of glasses, it turned out.
10:44LAUGHTER
10:45But the war, you know, the association with Nazis then sort of dropped the sales.
10:49Then in 1970, the New York Times again reported sales had risen by 50%, quoted a Bond Street optician.
10:57If I ran an opticians, I'd make them do the shop sign in a really blurry font.
11:01LAUGHTER
11:04Even as recently as 2014, the New York Times again reported on a comeback in cities as diverse as Manhattan
11:11and Cape Town and Berlin.
11:12I like that the association with the Nazis made the drop, made it fall.
11:17In sales.
11:17The sales fall, yeah.
11:18Encouraging.
11:18Yes.
11:19You mentioned Beatles, and of course there was a myopic beetle.
11:23John Lennon.
11:23John Lennon.
11:24He had glasses.
11:25Who was famous for his glasses.
11:26I've never worn a monocle in my life, as long as I've never worn that.
11:32But he was very, very short-sighted.
11:34So much so, that if he didn't wear his glasses, he would be qualified as blind.
11:39That explains your corner?
11:55Another great figure from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this one died famously young buddy Holly buddy Holly
12:02Yeah, was he flying the plane?
12:13That's it when they found the black box it was just him going, could I have a go?
12:19And the big popper going, no buddy, you're right!
12:24He couldn't read the top line of a high test chart. He obviously finished more classes too. As many do.
12:32But there you are. Now for a medical question. What malady could you ameliorate by standing in the middle of
12:40Wales?
12:41Moby Bush
12:42Yes?
12:43Moby Dick
12:45Moby Dick
12:46Ha ha! You've never had a...
12:48Stand in the middle of Wales
12:49Moby Dick
12:50Oh, very good, very good
12:55Very good, Wales it is, Wales it comes
12:57Well, you see, this is the thing
12:59Not a whale, the...
13:00You kind of deserve a little point for your Moby Dick
13:03Oh, do I?
13:03Because I am actually talking...
13:05Well, if you stand in the middle of Wales
13:05You stood in the middle of a blue whale
13:09I know you're obsessed, but it doesn't have to be blue
13:13Let's say it's blue
13:14All right, blue, all right, blue
13:15Because you know you can stand in one of those
13:18You can?
13:18They're huge
13:19Yeah
13:20They're not quite big, aren't they?
13:22Of course they're not the biggest life form on Earth, as you know
13:26I'm sorry, we're doing a best-of show
13:31You two have had this conversation like a million times
13:36Something...
13:37Yeah, what sort of amelioration for what sort of malady could you expect?
13:41A cream? An ointment? A balm?
13:43No, no, this is...
13:44But the act of standing, it's not something that's just taken from a whale
13:48This is an example
13:49This is in 1896 or thereabouts
13:52This is an Australian...
13:53A drunken Australian
13:56Found a dead whale on the beach
13:57Just say Australian, you don't need to be there
14:01You didn't say that
14:02Is that him there?
14:03I've decided...
14:04Yeah, that's him
14:05I've decided to walk into the whale
14:07That looks like something from Embarrassing Bodies, doesn't it?
14:09It does
14:10You know, I've...
14:11Yeah, I'll put on a little bit of white, yeah
14:14Oh, this is a bloody whale
14:19I thought a blowhole meant something else
14:23I feel like a bloody fool now
14:25Oh, look what a malady's ameliorated
14:29Just the kind of language we'd use
14:31But no, he got out of the whale
14:33He got out, he stank
14:35And was amazed to discover
14:37He could walk
14:40That his...
14:41He was sober
14:42His rheumatism had disappeared
14:44No, we'd never have got that
14:45We could have been here about a week
14:46I know
14:47That's...
14:47That's why I helped you out
14:49Thank you so much
14:50So, yours...
14:51Rheumatism?
14:52Well...
14:52But I mean, you can't get them at the chemist, can you?
14:54No, you can't
14:55It started a fad, though
14:56People...
14:57Would go and stand in the middle of dead whales
14:58Yeah, and whalers would leave a hole
15:00A little sort of area
15:02For people who would pay
15:03And go and stand inside
15:05And the decaying blubber
15:07Would act as a kind of poultice
15:09Is there any...
15:09I want to go now
15:10Is there any kind of...
15:11No, no
15:13Total...
15:13But it was just one of those fads that they had in those days
15:16What a fun fad
15:17Wait...
15:17A fun fad
15:18Imagine if the Monocle people went
15:20And they just, like, said
15:20And they were like,
15:21Oh, more for a fad now
15:22Here I am at my Monocle
15:23Sat in a whale
15:25Don't do anything, mate
15:26But...
15:27Rheumatism?
15:27What is rheumatism?
15:28I don't know
15:29No
15:30That's a very good answer
15:32Yes
15:33Pain in the joints is often called rheumatism
15:35But it covers up to 200 different conditions
15:38And rheumatologists are real doctors
15:40But rheumatism...
15:41There isn't one rheumatism
15:42There are all kinds of autoimmune things
15:44That happen to affect the joints and the muscles
15:48And all kinds of things people take for it
15:52That aren't necessarily any use
15:53Copper bracelets, for example
15:55You pay up to 200 pounds for a copper bracelet
15:57Yeah
15:58There's a rheumatologist who said
15:59Yes, you can pay five pounds for one as well
16:01And you go, just as green
16:03Well, yeah, that's it really
16:05Australians with rheumatism had a whale of a time
16:08What would you find in a medieval manhole?
16:14Do they keep their favourite things in it?
16:16Do they bury them in case of marauding pillagers?
16:20Is it like a priest hole?
16:22Like a hidey place?
16:23Well...
16:23You really would have to know about this
16:25I've never heard the phrase...
16:28Priest...
16:29Priest hole?
16:29Priest hole?
16:30You don't have them in Ireland
16:31Well, of course
16:32Well, we kind of do
16:32Well, yeah, right
16:33No, the priest told me
16:35You can hide your Catholics in behind the fireplace in a secret little...
16:39Priest hole?
16:40During the time of Queen Elizabeth
16:41Catholics got quite a hard time
16:43Mm-hmm
16:45And people who kept their Catholic faith
16:47Had priests who came to minister them
16:49And in the bigger houses they put little holes
16:52Sliding panels, tiny places for the priest to hide
16:55In case the army came round in order to arrest them
16:58To catch them in the act of being all Catholic
17:00Yeah
17:01Yeah
17:02So those were priests
17:03They catch them having loads of children
17:04Yeah
17:06Wow
17:06I've never heard that before
17:07We're actually in the Germanic regions here
17:10Obviously there was no Germany in the medieval times
17:12But access to trains
17:14No
17:15It's a legal issue
17:17It's a rather bizarre one
17:18If a man wanted to take another man to court
17:22In Germany and in England
17:23They used trial by battle
17:25This is from Game of Thrones
17:28This is from Game of Thrones
17:30In England
17:31If a man wanted to take a woman to court
17:33He couldn't use trial by battle
17:35But in Germany
17:36You could
17:37But
17:38You had to dig a hole and be inside a hole
17:40And tie one arm behind your back
17:44And then you could fight
17:45Yeah
17:46I like that
17:47If you're fighting free of time
17:50Bring it back
17:50Yeah
17:52I feel like on this panel show
17:53I should be stood up like this
17:54And all of you should be down there
17:55Slashing around me jokes
17:59Now there were certain other rules as well
18:01The man would be given three clubs
18:03With which he could
18:04You know try and hit the woman
18:05And the woman would have rocks and a slingshot
18:10Did this actually happen?
18:11Or
18:11Yes
18:12That should be surely the other way on
18:15He should have the slingshot on the rocks
18:17If he's just stuck in a hole
18:18Yeah, I know
18:18She can take
18:19Stand back quite a way
18:21Yeah
18:21And just fire at him
18:23Just don't
18:24Imagine then
18:24I suppose you can get right down in your hole
18:27Yeah
18:28And just go around like that
18:31If the man touched the side of his hole
18:33Oh
18:35You know what I mean
18:36Yeah
18:36If he touched the side of the hole
18:38Yeah
18:38He forfeited one of his clubs
18:40Right
18:40Then he only had two clubs
18:42But
18:43It's important to remember
18:44Whoever lost the battle
18:45Would be put to death
18:46Oh
18:47So this is quite a serious thing
18:49But they've already sort of dug the grave
18:50So it's alright
18:51Yeah
18:52It's not as bad
18:53Pop them in there
18:53And we're done
18:55That's extraordinary
18:56Isn't it?
18:57Anyway
18:58That's what I love about this show
18:59That sometimes we can all just go
19:00Yeah
19:02Indeed
19:03That's quite interesting
19:04Yeah
19:05Still on the medieval match-ups
19:08What brilliant new strategy was employed
19:10By the England team
19:12In the European Championships
19:13Of
19:141176
19:18They just do what they always do
19:20Get a really easy qualifying group
19:22Scotland got
19:23You know
19:24The Holy Roman Empire
19:27The Knights Templar
19:29And Spain
19:29And England
19:30England get Lindisfarne
19:33Did they dig holes?
19:37And they stood in the holes
19:39And wait for the other team
19:40To get
19:42No
19:45Yeah
19:50This is medieval again
19:52And it's early medieval
19:53I suppose you might say
19:54It's not football though is it?
19:56It must be another
19:58No it's not football
19:59Jousting
20:00Jousting came later
20:02What happened in early medieval
20:04They need more space for that
20:07They're not getting enough of a run up
20:10Yeah
20:10Before jousting
20:12The two with the lances
20:13You know
20:13Riding towards each other
20:14There was something
20:15Which was a French word
20:17That we still use
20:19To mean a kind of
20:21Fray
20:21Begins with M
20:23Menagerie
20:23Not a menagerie
20:26Menagerie
20:26Menagerie
20:26Trois
20:27A menagerie
20:28European menagerie
20:30Trois
20:32Melay
20:32Yes
20:33Melay
20:36Well done
20:37Well done
20:39The original cast of Avatar
20:41In a melee
20:44They were looking at the 12th century
20:46And the great king then was
20:48Ending the second
20:49Followed by his son
20:50Richard the first
20:51The Lionheart
20:52Oh
20:52And they liked this melee
20:54When Richard wasn't out
20:55In the crusades
20:56I like it, and I do, it praises me.
21:01And they saw this very good trick, and they copied it.
21:05And that is, you tell them you're not going to fight today.
21:07You know, I won't do the melee today.
21:09And they go, oh, OK.
21:10And then they exhaust each other, and then you come with your lot,
21:13saying, I think I will, actually.
21:14And they're all completely tired, and you win.
21:17What do you mean, they exhaust each other?
21:18Well, because they're running back and forth at each other.
21:21This is how I do a menage a trois.
21:23I let them go for a while, and then I come in late.
21:29They stole the idea of Philippa Flanders,
21:31and it seemed to work pretty well.
21:33The sport is called melee, and it's similar to jousting.
21:35Well, the reason jousting then took on,
21:37as you can see from the picture, this involves a lot all at once,
21:40whereas jousting is cheaper.
21:42It's simply that.
21:43It was so much cheaper to have that.
21:46And you've got champions at the jousting who appealed to the ladies.
21:50You know, the handkerchiefs and the favours
21:51and the rather extraordinary, elaborate form of romance.
21:55It's kind of funny that that would appeal to ladies.
21:57It's kind of like the version now for men,
21:59for The Only Way Is Essex,
22:00that you don't actually know what someone looks like.
22:02Yes.
22:02Because they've got so much fancy stuff and extensions on,
22:05that you're like, oh, he's gorgeous, look at him.
22:08I really like the look of him.
22:09Then he takes off his thing at the end,
22:10and you're like, oh, God!
22:12You're like a miniskirt with a massive pole on your hand.
22:17The chicks go wild.
22:20Well, the first rule of nightclub was to cheat.
22:25Now for a question about moral turpitude.
22:27What morally questionable activity would you finally be able to do
22:32on the streets of Nutsford in 2015?
22:36Is a clue in the picture, Steve?
22:38Sort of, yeah.
22:39Does it involve nuts?
22:41No.
22:41Sadly not.
22:42Does it involve bunting?
22:43Nor bunting.
22:44Look lower down.
22:45What is there particularly noticeable?
22:47Oh!
22:47Terrible shoes!
22:49Very bad shoes.
22:51The road.
22:52Pavement.
22:53The parking.
22:54The pavement.
22:55What about the pavement?
22:56It's a very narrow pavement.
22:58Thank you, Danny.
22:59It is a narrow pavement.
23:01You can't have that.
23:01There's a reason for the narrow pavement.
23:03Those two people are massive.
23:09In the olden days,
23:11a certain class of person virtually ruled the roost in Britain,
23:16and that was an aristocrat.
23:17Oh.
23:18Uh, yes.
23:19Absolutely shocking people.
23:20And you had to throw yourself into the gutter if one approached you.
23:23Well, sometimes they had strong, stern, and absurd moral views.
23:27And...
23:28So they weren't allowed to walk?
23:29Well, yes.
23:30If you imagine...
23:31Side by side.
23:31I'm not having the working classes next to each other in the street.
23:37Because it can only lead to touch you.
23:39I know you think you're doing a voice, but that is how you talk.
23:42LAUGHTER
23:46LAUGHTER
23:47LAUGHTER
23:48LAUGHTER
23:48You just don't see it with no difference.
23:50LAUGHTER
23:51Like a hairspray.
23:52LAUGHTER
23:53You are a beast.
23:55LAUGHTER
23:55Finally voicing the inner workings of the mind.
23:58LAUGHTER
23:59So you weren't allowed to walk hand in hand with that lady,
24:02you could just walk behind her.
24:03Basically, yeah.
24:05LAUGHTER
24:05Lady Jane Stanley, who was the daughter of the 11th Earl of Derby,
24:10and she laid down this strict code of...
24:12Single file pavement.
24:14Single file pavement.
24:14In case they touched one another.
24:15Yeah, she died unmarried, as you might say.
24:17LAUGHTER
24:18She wrote her own epitaph, apparently, which is,
24:21A maid I lived and a maid I died,
24:24I never was asked and never denied.
24:27I think that's not bad, considering she was dead.
24:30LAUGHTER
24:30Fair enough.
24:32But perhaps the most famous prude of his era
24:34was a little later in the 1870s.
24:36A fellow called Anthony Comstock.
24:39Comstock was in New York
24:40and founded a league against lewdness of any kind.
24:44He saw it everywhere.
24:45He hated it.
24:46I mean, he'd been in the Civil War,
24:47didn't like the swearing, frankly.
24:50Yeah, that's the worst thing about war.
24:52LAUGHTER
24:53Especially that Civil War, you know.
24:55LAUGHTER
24:55Come on with the torso!
24:57Now that language.
25:00LAUGHTER
25:00I'm going to fucking kill you.
25:02Please, could you just kill me?
25:03The particular tragedy that struck him in 1873, after the war,
25:08was a friend of his who was addicted to pornography.
25:11Died supposedly having masturbated himself to death.
25:15LAUGHTER
25:17I'm happy to report...
25:19There's a lesson in there, Jimmy.
25:19I'm happy to report, Stephen, that cannot happen.
25:23LAUGHTER
25:23And he was not trying hard enough for it.
25:27Feel a player, Jimmy.
25:29Comstock believed that, anyway.
25:31Yes, he founded the New York Society of the Suppression of Vice
25:34and for nine years in its height, from the 70s to early 80s,
25:37the society was responsible for 700 arrests,
25:39333 prison sentences.
25:41Wow.
25:42So, almost 50% success rate on its arrest
25:44and fines totalling $65,000.
25:47A heck of a lot, then.
25:48I have a seizure of roughly 65,000 articles as well.
25:51Articles for immoral use of rubber, etc.
25:55LAUGHTER
25:56Oh, wow.
25:57Yes.
25:57I saw some ancient pornography.
26:00There was a book on that.
26:02Screw you in the barrel that day, were you?
26:04There's nothing there that I haven't seen.
26:06No, no, so...
26:06I was writing a paper on, like, a college
26:09on the history of pornography
26:10and it was kind of the earliest pornographic sort of photographs
26:13and it was just a guy standing on a...
26:15leaning on a fireplace.
26:16Clearly...
26:17Clearly they'd only had their photo taken in certain poses,
26:20so they sort of thought,
26:20well, I guess that's how photos work.
26:22So he had... he had a pipe on.
26:24All the usual porn stuff was going on, but...
26:28LAUGHTER
26:28It was rather wonderful.
26:30Are you sure you're not describing the album cover
26:32of Bing Crosby's Christmas Fits?
26:34LAUGHTER
26:35The X-rated version.
26:37For some people.
26:39As late as 1927, they were still going
26:41and they managed reprehensibly to shut down
26:43Mae West's Broadway play Sex
26:45and had her imprisoned for ten days.
26:48Really?
26:49There was the Comstock Law which made it a federal offence
26:51to send obscene matter, for example, contraceptives,
26:55through the post.
26:55It was finally overturned in 36 in the wonderfully named case
26:59of United States versus one package of Japanese pessaries.
27:04LAUGHTER
27:07The US was always going to win that one.
27:09It wasn't. I think so.
27:11I've never had...
27:12I've never had, in 14 years,
27:15people eating sweets in the front row.
27:17LAUGHTER
27:18What the hell?
27:19And I can't think about anything else.
27:22LAUGHTER
27:22I've been watching the stories of some babies,
27:25but...
27:26APPLAUSE
27:29Well done.
27:33Thanks, John.
27:35You can have them back to the end of the lesson.
27:39I feel really bad for those people,
27:40cos obviously you're just sat there watching an episode of QI...
27:43LAUGHTER
27:43And then suddenly the telly gets up.
27:46LAUGHTER
27:49And leaks your sweets.
27:51LAUGHTER
27:52I didn't press the red button.
27:54What's going on?
27:56LAUGHTER
27:58Anyway, what did the French do with marmosettes
28:01that normal people did with cheese?
28:05LAUGHTER
28:09I have no memory of that one.
28:12We all remember our student days.
28:14LAUGHTER
28:16Forget the marmosette.
28:17No, forget the marmosette.
28:18What do normal people do with cheese?
28:20What do we do with cheese?
28:21I'll put it on bread or crackers.
28:22Crack it in the back of the fridge for six months
28:23and chuck it out.
28:25Think laterally.
28:27Not the substance, not the food even.
28:29What else is there?
28:31Cheese?
28:31Oh, not some sort of...
28:33No.
28:33No, don't...
28:34No.
28:35Not the substance.
28:36Not any substance.
28:37Not any substance at all.
28:39We say cheese.
28:40We say cheese.
28:40That's it.
28:41Thank you, Danny.
28:43APPLAUSE
28:44Very good.
28:45So do the French say marmosette?
28:48They do.
28:49They say marmosette.
28:50Well, they used to.
28:51I put it in the past tense.
28:53Oh, no wonder, because that makes you go like this,
28:54and that's what French people look like in photos.
28:56Hello.
28:56Yeah.
28:57Hello.
28:57We have a Frenchman in the audience.
28:59We have Vincent who's come all the way from La Belle France,
29:02from La République.
29:02Bonjour.
29:03Let's just listen to him shouting marmosette in French.
29:06Wistiti.
29:07Wistiti.
29:08Wistiti.
29:08Brilliant.
29:10Wistiti.
29:13Wistiti.
29:15Wistiti.
29:16Wistiti.
29:16And the point is, we smile when we say...
29:19Wistiti.
29:19Wistiti.
29:20Wistiti.
29:21Wistiti.
29:22Wistiti.
29:23Wistiti.
29:24Wistiti.
29:24Wistiti.
29:37Wistiti.
30:06Wistiti.
30:10Wistiti.
30:14Wistiti.
30:14Wistiti.
30:17Wistiti.
30:31Wistiti.
30:32Wistiti.
30:32Wistiti.
30:32Wistiti.
30:32Wistiti.
30:33Wistiti.
30:33Wistiti.
30:37Wistiti.
30:39It might be the same in Russian, isn't it?
30:42Ittychitsa!
30:44Ittychitsa!
30:45Ittychitsa!
30:46Ittychitsa!
30:47Ittychitsa!
30:47Ittychitsa!
30:49Ittychitsa!
30:50Ittychitsa!
30:50Korean you might get because it's their favourite thing.
30:54Ittychitsa.
30:55Kimchi.
30:56Kimchi.
30:56Kimchi.
30:56Kimchi.
30:57They love their kimchi.
30:58Argentina and some other Latin countries is actually an English word, they say.
31:03Scottish.
31:03A garlic word, I should say.
31:05Iskabar means whiskey.
31:07Iskabar?
31:07Yeah, whiskey.
31:08Water of life, isn't it?
31:10Iskabar.
31:10Iskabar is the same in Irish, in Gaelic as well.
31:12So you put an E in it when you make it English.
31:15No, we don't put a knee in it because that's really...
31:17Ah!
31:19They did for one short thought to you.
31:24Bulgarian.
31:25So these must all...
31:26We don't have any Bulgars in the audience, I'm sure.
31:28Where's one?
31:28Where's one?
31:29You're joking, really?
31:30Is that what you say?
31:31A Bulgur?
31:32You don't say you're a Bulgur.
31:33Bulgarian.
31:34I am Bulgur.
31:35And what would you say?
31:37We say zele.
31:38Yes!
31:39Zele!
31:39Which means...
31:40Cabbage.
31:41Cabbage.
31:41Yes!
31:41Cabbage!
31:42Oh, God.
31:43Beautiful.
31:44APPLAUSE
31:47The sad thing is that they've tended to die out, not because people do blue steel,
31:52as you were saying, but because the Americanisms and Britishisms,
31:55they say cheese, or smile, and they just do it.
31:58Isn't it sad?
32:00People saying smile.
32:01How awful.
32:02LAUGHTER
32:02I always wondered why, you know, photographs, like, early 1800s and stuff,
32:07they're never smiling, and it's because the exposure is two, three hours long,
32:12so you can't physically...
32:13Oh, is that wrong?
32:14Yes.
32:15I'm glad you said it, because we were just going to come to that very question.
32:18You're an absolute natural for this challenge.
32:19LAUGHTER
32:21No, it is a common misapprehension.
32:23By 1845, in the early daguerreotypes, it was only a few seconds, the exposure.
32:28Oh, look at them.
32:29One reason is that they're like this...
32:30At least five of them look like they're dead.
32:31Well, they're regarded as serious.
32:33If you look at portraits in oils, you know, paintings, Reynolds, Gainsborough,
32:37and so on, they don't smile.
32:39No.
32:39Yeah.
32:39The Mona Lisa smile.
32:41There's exactly her enigmatic smile is what makes her unique and unusual.
32:44Very good, actually.
32:45The lady on the far right there, she's very good in The Wizard of Oz, wasn't she?
32:50She wasn't good like that.
32:52Terrifying.
32:52She was, yeah.
32:53To be honest, I wouldn't be smiling if my parents had dressed me up like that
32:56for 40 years.
32:58But the word they said, instead of cheese, tended to be prunes and prunes,
33:02to make them look serious.
33:03Prunes, prunes and prunes.
33:05Prunes.
33:06But anyway, what colour is a mirror?
33:09Ah, now, this is going to be a trick.
33:12Come on, Danny.
33:13Is it the colour of whatever is standing in front of it?
33:16No, you fool!
33:19That's perfectly reasonable, I think.
33:23It's a perfectly reasonable thing to say.
33:24Yes, it would certainly reflect back the colour of whatever was looking at it.
33:27It's clear, it's just glass.
33:27It's like a rainbow, because it's glass and it's the accumulation of light
33:31and, er, and all of the colours in a rainbow.
33:35But, this sounds madder, but I, I feel like I am right, but...
33:38No!
33:39It's so good!
33:41Yes?
33:43Silver's not a colour.
33:47Silver isn't a colour.
33:48Are mirrors made of sand, aren't they?
33:50Well, they're made of glass, which is made of sand.
33:52Yes.
33:52And the silvered backing, whatever that might be, that's used.
33:56Silver is the little thing.
33:56The what?
33:57The what backing?
33:58Silver, but it's not...
34:00It's silver, but it's colour isn't silver.
34:02Silver isn't a colour.
34:03You can't make silver colour on a computer using...
34:05Just because it's not on your computer?
34:07Silver's not a colour.
34:08It's glass.
34:09Silver's not a colour, no.
34:10Oh, I love this show.
34:11It's all of the colours.
34:12It's good, isn't it?
34:12It's like when you...
34:13It's like when the sun goes through a raindrop, a, er, a rainbow comes out,
34:17because, and all the colours...
34:18Yes.
34:19You're absolutely on the right lines.
34:20I mean, anything that you see as a coloured object, like a tomato, looks red,
34:26because it takes in all the colours of white light, all the colours in there...
34:31...except red, and therefore the red...
34:33What?
34:33Therefore the red reflects...
34:35What red?
34:35Sorry.
34:36Because the red is in there with all the others, but can't get through, as it were,
34:39and comes out.
34:40Don't let them into your mind.
34:41Oh, I don't know.
34:42It's like Scientology.
34:43No, that's, that's how it works.
34:44So, a mirror...
34:45How does Skidnaw's work, then?
34:46A mirror...
34:47Sorry?
34:48The rainbow!
34:50Taste the rainbow!
34:51Yes!
34:52A mirror takes in all the colours, but there is one colour which slightly can't get in,
34:58and you can only see that all mirrors have a slight tinge of this colour.
35:02A vampire.
35:03Oh.
35:03Yes, green.
35:04Literally, I'm just going to list the colours.
35:06Green is right, and you can see it there.
35:08That is not coloured glass of any kind.
35:10You see it best in the effect of a hall of mirrors.
35:12When the mirror, mirror, mirror, so you're seeing lots and lots of mirrors together.
35:15You see this tinge that gets stronger and stronger of green.
35:18Now, that is just pure glass and pure mirror effect, but it seems green to us.
35:24So, if you're looking slightly green in the morning, you can blame it on the mirror.
35:28Yeah.
35:28Now, why might blocking the middle of a fire exit be a good thing?
35:33Probably worse.
35:34Because it stops the fire from getting out.
35:38Hold on.
35:40So, if everyone goes for the fire exit at the same time, they would cause a...
35:44It would get blocked by the mass of people.
35:46Yes.
35:46Whereas, if you had two lanes, it's like motorway traffic.
35:48If you blocked the middle, they would go out sort of individually and it would be better.
35:53Yes.
35:53Yes.
35:54It's an extraordinary thing.
35:55Wow.
35:56I've seen it.
35:57I've seen it.
35:58What a thing.
35:59What a thing.
35:59What a thing.
36:01They started it with ants.
36:02I mean, they didn't start a fire, but they had a single exit for ants and they blocked the
36:06middle of it and they found that the ants were slower, but they all got out more quickly.
36:12And it seems to work with humans too, probably for exactly the reasons you say.
36:16Is that why they do those individual doors in airports?
36:19Maybe it is, yeah.
36:20Those ones where it says, keep moving, as you walk towards the plate glass.
36:24That's right.
36:24But with aeroplanes, in order to have a certificate of air worthiness, amongst other things like
36:28making sure the wings don't fall off, you have to be able to evacuate in 90 seconds.
36:33No way.
36:33Because that's the speed at which a...
36:37When you say emergency...
36:39Steven, when you say evacuate, it depends what they say over the town.
36:41Yeah.
36:4390 seconds is how long it would take a fire to engulf.
36:46That's helping.
36:47She is, yes.
36:48I think it's...
36:48Get off!
36:50When you do evacuate, I mean, it's difficult to test, of course, whether you can get people
36:55off.
36:55How do you motivate them to get off quickly enough?
36:58Well, do they pay them?
36:59Pay them.
37:00So they give...
37:01Is it prices like the last guy off?
37:02They give them a monetary incentive to get off as fast as possible, get a refund.
37:05In...
37:05How did...
37:05Well, no.
37:06This is in the test situation.
37:08There's no refund.
37:09You haven't bought a ticket.
37:10Oh, the test.
37:13The test.
37:13The test.
37:1390 seconds will give you 20 quid.
37:15You said you'd be on a plane, it would be on fire and they'd go, we'll give you 20 pounds
37:18if you get off.
37:19And you'd go, make it 30.
37:20LAUGHTER
37:22I'm holding out for more love.
37:24It is getting warm but it's worth it.
37:26They'll put the price up.
37:27I'll be the last of.
37:29So, now it's time to run screaming into the disaster zone that we call general ignorance.
37:35So, fingers on buzzers.
37:36If you please.
37:38It's midsummer in the UK.
37:40To the nearest hour, what time does day become night?
37:44Look.
37:45In the summer.
37:46Cuts up again about four.
37:48LAUGHTER
37:51Is it going to be...
37:51So, I was going to say one.
37:54LAUGHTER
37:54You were going to say one.
37:55It's too happy.
37:56I was going to say one.
37:59You were saying that one.
38:00Oh, that one.
38:02Is it...
38:03I mean, I'm only saying this.
38:04I've got no...
38:05There's no rationale at all.
38:06But is it noon?
38:07Because it's always something weird on this show.
38:09They go, oh, no, it's actually night time in the middle of the day.
38:12LAUGHTER
38:12You're already, it's you've been doing it wrong.
38:15In midsummer, there is no night in Britain.
38:18There's no night.
38:18There's no night, Danny.
38:21LAUGHTER
38:22It's constant twilight.
38:24Oh.
38:24By the...
38:27That's dark.
38:27Constant twilight sounds like a really good indie album.
38:29It does, doesn't it?
38:30LAUGHTER
38:32Even as far south as Jersey,
38:33twilight lasts between June the 8th and July the 4th,
38:36with that night.
38:37And how do you define twilight?
38:39Well, it's defined as the time after the sun goes down the...
38:42When the vampires and the werewolves fight.
38:46LAUGHTER
38:46Who will she choose?
38:48While constantly looking like she's just farted.
38:51Who?
38:52Oh.
38:53In the twilight films, the girl looks as if she's just farted the whole time.
38:56LAUGHTER
38:57Don't tell them who's there.
38:58You could be one of the vampires.
39:00Oh, my God.
39:01Am I going to pick you?
39:02You're so cold when I touch you.
39:03Are you even real?
39:04That's what it's called.
39:05That's exactly the whole movie.
39:06The whole movie's her choice between a half...
39:08Half animal and a zombie.
39:11LAUGHTER
39:12So, twilight lasts about six hours if you watch all three of them.
39:17Twilight is defined as the time after the sun goes beneath the horizon,
39:21but while there is still light caused by the reflection of the sun's rays from the atmosphere.
39:25During summer nights, even at 2am, there's still a little bit of light from the sun.
39:30Now, when is the best time to charge your mobile phone?
39:33At night.
39:35That's...
39:36Well, that's good.
39:37Yeah.
39:37Might be.
39:38Any other thoughts?
39:38Oh, really?
39:38I thought that would go off.
39:39You can't...
39:41Where is that 94?
39:44When it's completely, almost, run out of battery.
39:48Ooh!
39:51Ooh!
39:52If you've got an iPhone, it's every 15 minutes.
39:55LAUGHTER
39:56It used to be the case with an old Nokia phone.
39:59Going for weeks.
40:01Yay!
40:02Look at that beauty!
40:03Bring them back!
40:04That's, like, one of the most modern...
40:06Oh, it's not like it was in the old days.
40:08LAUGHTER
40:09These phones of that generation used what sort of batteries?
40:13Lithium?
40:14Lithium.
40:14No nickel is the point.
40:15And if you charge it when it's 20% tall,
40:17it wouldn't remember the rest of it, as it were.
40:19It was called memory problems.
40:21Mm-hmm.
40:21So you had to drain them.
40:22You had to use them completely
40:23so that it would charge the whole battery.
40:25But we use lithium now,
40:27and that isn't a problem anymore.
40:29But here's a great thing about batteries,
40:31and I'm going to demonstrate this to you,
40:33and I think it'll be rather interesting.
40:35We're just talking about ordinary AA batteries here,
40:38whether or not they're charged or...
40:40They have a thumb thing on them now, don't they?
40:42I would use...
40:43Well, they did the thumb thing,
40:45but they sort of got rid of that, haven't they?
40:46They never quite worked.
40:47It was supposed to shine and go green or something.
40:50Yeah, yeah, go green, and it was like a hurt thing.
40:51Yeah.
40:51I would attach it to my nipple clamps and see if it...
40:54LAUGHTER
40:54If it gives me a buzz that I need.
40:56Here are two batteries.
40:57How can you tell which one is flat, as it were,
41:00which one is drained of power and which one's...
41:02Try it on you.
41:03Some magnetic thing.
41:04No, it's nothing to do with magnetism, actually.
41:05I'm going to slip through these little copper sleeves
41:07so that they're both facing the right direction,
41:09they should both fall at the same time.
41:11So you can count me down from three, two, one, and drop.
41:14Right?
41:15So the whole audience can join in.
41:17Three...
41:17Three...
41:18Two...
41:19One...
41:20Drop!
41:21All right, let's have a look at that.
41:23In theory, an empty battery should bounce more.
41:28Oh!
41:29That is the case that this is the one...
41:31...which has been drained.
41:32To do with the gel inside the batteries,
41:34and when they're drained, it's hardened,
41:36and so it bounces more.
41:37Should we do an apology now for people breaking their mobile phones?
41:41LAUGHTER
41:41Imagine if someone is at home going,
41:42Is this charged?
41:44That seems all right, yeah.
41:46There you are.
41:46Isn't that good?
41:47Oh, yeah.
41:47Couldn't you just buy new batteries?
41:51LAUGHTER
41:51APPLAUSE
41:57I just didn't think of that.
42:01Right, yes, the best time to charge your phone
42:03is any time you can find a power socket,
42:05all of which brings us charging towards a battery
42:08of very extraordinary scores,
42:10which will amaze and astonish you.
42:13Not.
42:13So, in first place, what an extraordinary debut,
42:18Danny Boy on ten points!
42:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:27In second place, half as good but still brilliant,
42:31five points to Jimmy Carr!
42:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:38In third place, with minus seven, it's Aisling B!
42:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:47Who does that leave us, I wonder?
42:49Well, it's just...
42:51Minus 44 for Alan Daly!
42:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:01Well, thanks for all from Ashley, Jimmy, Danny, Alan and me.
43:05And I leave you with these wise words
43:06from Pulitzer Prize winner Anna Quinlan.
43:09Life is not so much about beginnings and endings
43:12as it is about going on and on and on.
43:15It's about muddling through the middle,
43:17which I hope we've done this evening.
43:18Good night.
43:19You are waiting for me, guys.
43:19Or to August 1,
Comments