- 12 hours ago
First broadcast 16th October 2015.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Ross Noble
Lucy Porter
Matt Lucas
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Ross Noble
Lucy Porter
Matt Lucas
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI, where this week we're under doctor's
00:06orders as we dissect a medley of maladies.
00:09Joining me in the waiting room with a 1984 edition of The People's Friend, we have Dr. Noe Lucy Porter.
00:20Dr. Strangelove Matt Lucas.
00:26Dr. Zhivago Ross Noble.
00:33And Dr. Snuggles Alan Davies.
00:41So, buzzers please, nurse, Lucy goes.
00:52For the ignorant nonsenses amongst you, that was Dr. Zhivago's theme song.
00:57Matt goes.
01:03For those under 80, that was Dr. Finley's case book.
01:06That's from Ross Noble, he goes.
01:16No, I don't know what that was.
01:18And Alan goes.
01:20Oh, doctor, I'm in trouble.
01:24Oh, more of that.
01:27Yeah, goodness gracious me.
01:28Well, there you are.
01:29So, come in, lie down, pop your feet in the stirrups and let's see what the trouble is.
01:36What did typhoid Mary die of?
01:39Oh, don't start.
01:45Was it a lack of circulation to a toe?
01:48Oh, yeah.
01:51Yes, possibility.
01:53Is it typhoid?
01:54Oh, my God.
01:56Oh, my God.
01:58Oh, my God.
02:04What did you say?
02:08Oh, my God.
02:11I was laughing at you?
02:11I don't even know.
02:14That's G-I.
02:14Yeah.
02:15There was nothing wrong with her.
02:17It was boredom.
02:18Car crash.
02:19That's what I was going to say.
02:19I was waiting to get typhoid and never getting it.
02:22What was that?
02:23She had typhoid.
02:24She didn't suffer from typhoid.
02:26Yes.
02:28Thank you, Lucy Porter.
02:29You're welcome, Stephen Fry.
02:32Typhoid Mary, round about the turn of the century, was a cook in New York, an Irish name of
02:39As the name would suggest.
02:40Yeah.
02:41And she had typhoid, but no symptoms.
02:45She wasn't ill.
02:46She was immune to it, to all intents and purposes.
02:48But she was able to give it to others, and she did.
02:5230, 40, 50 people possibly.
02:54Must be freezing in that ward with all that snow.
02:57LAUGHTER
03:01It's taken his mind off the fact he's been attacked by an octopus.
03:07LAUGHTER
03:10They're all lying there going, sorry, what did you say your name was?
03:13What, Mary?
03:15Glad to be sharing a ward with you.
03:17Well, the sad thing is that she was not a nice person by any way of looking at her.
03:21All right, Stephen, she's dead, come on.
03:24The thing is, she worked in households as a cook, and people would die of typhoid in the
03:30household where she cooked, and she would mysteriously leave and take up a job with another one.
03:34So she knew that she was a carrier.
03:36Oh, she was a carrier.
03:37Because she was put into quarantine, and then she could go free as long as she never worked
03:41in service again, didn't cook.
03:43Within weeks, she got another job as a cook, and she tried to hide from the authorities.
03:49And so she ended up, the last two decades of her life, in quarantine.
03:52And she died of pneumonia, in fact.
03:55Oh.
03:56How did she pass it on?
03:57Saliva.
03:58Fluid.
03:58Oh, because she was...
03:59Body fluid.
03:59Yeah, she had typhoid.
04:01She went...
04:01Yeah.
04:03It didn't cost anything like that.
04:06She didn't have to wee in the secret.
04:06So her name has become synonymous.
04:10Apart from...
04:10Apart from...
04:11I thought it was waterborne.
04:12Or was that cholera?
04:12Well, it's spread by the, um, uh, the German question is Salmonella Teifei.
04:19Um...
04:20I thought he said that it's spread by a German.
04:22I thought he said...
04:25Just one German walking around the face.
04:28Is that the fella there, is it?
04:30There it is.
04:31Yeah.
04:31Unpleasant looking.
04:33Why is it called Salmonella?
04:35Salmon...
04:36Salmon.
04:36It's from...
04:37That's fish born.
04:39LAUGHTER
04:39They were named by a bacteriologist called Salmon.
04:44Oh, of course.
04:44Dr. Daniel Salmon.
04:46Of course.
04:46Who also died of pneumonia, as it happens.
04:49Not of Salmonella.
04:51Well, I'll tell you what, I'm looking at that, I'm never going to eat watsits again.
04:56Yeah.
04:58Now, what's the most deadly thing you can find in a doctor's waiting room?
05:03And you can look at that...
05:04Oh, copy of the Daily Telegraph.
05:06LAUGHTER
05:09I'm guessing, looking at that example, is it the, er, tiny baby bear which has, er, crawled
05:16out from inside that plant there?
05:19LAUGHTER
05:19Oh, is it going to be that lethal water carrier thing in the corner?
05:24Hang on.
05:24Right next to a lamp, water, next to electricity.
05:27LAUGHTER
05:28That's a safety nightmare.
05:30LAUGHTER
05:30These people are seconds from death.
05:32Why?
05:33LAUGHTER
05:33You've got a fire engine there, you'll be fine.
05:36Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:37That's true.
05:38LAUGHTER
05:38On an electrical fire?
05:40LAUGHTER
05:40Are you mad?
05:42LAUGHTER
05:42Come on!
05:43Does she take the pen and stab everyone in the waiting room?
05:46That's...
05:47That would be dangerous.
05:48Another...
05:48Actually, Ross got it straight away.
05:50Shot your face.
05:51It's the bear.
05:52I knew it was the bear.
05:54Yeah.
05:54Why is it the bear?
05:55The murderer is in this very room.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:58But you can't trust bears.
06:00Bears are shifty.
06:01LAUGHTER
06:03Can I say that isn't actually a bear?
06:06LAUGHTER
06:07Looks like a bear.
06:07Well, if it were a bear, it would be far and away the most dangerous thing in the room.
06:12LAUGHTER
06:12I say to you, prove it.
06:13It's a soft, subtly toy.
06:16Covered in germs.
06:17It's a carrier of diseases.
06:19Yes.
06:20It's Bear Mary.
06:22LAUGHTER
06:23It bears bear.
06:25It's a toy toy bear.
06:26Toy toy bear, yeah.
06:27It's a toy toy bearer.
06:29It's a toy toy bearer.
06:30It's a toy toy bearer.
06:30It's a toy toy bearer.
06:31It's a toy toy bearer.
06:31Eh?
06:32Because a bear can't...
06:34A bear can't...
06:36A bear can't shit in the world.
06:36A bear can't be...
06:37A bear can't be...
06:38A bear can't...
06:39I don't know if I can really say this, but it sounds odd, but a bear can't be wiped down.
06:44LAUGHTER
06:45You've tried.
06:47LAUGHTER
06:48I mean, it can, obviously, be wiped down.
06:49You've wiped a lot of bears down.
06:51Come on, Steve.
06:53LAUGHTER
07:03Not as hygienically as, say, an abacus...
07:06Is that a Barbie or a Cindy?
07:07I'm not...
07:08That's a Cindy.
07:10You've got to wipe them down.
07:11Hang on, sorry.
07:14Let's go all the way up.
07:15Is this...?
07:15Is this...?
07:17The doll, of course...
07:18You can chuck it in the machine, can't you, your teddy bear?
07:20I do.
07:21I do.
07:21You can do what?
07:22Chuck it in the machine.
07:23You can.
07:23On the hot wash, on the boil.
07:24So we come into the conclusion that Pudsy needs to die.
07:28LAUGHTER
07:29That's why he lost his eye.
07:31It just needs to be boiled.
07:33Not killed, just boiled.
07:36That would be the best opening to children in need ever.
07:39If it was literally cut to Terry Wogan and he was just there going,
07:42Ah, I've got a little Pudsy here.
07:44Gah!
07:46Give me the money.
07:47Or Pudsy boils.
07:49There is something very eerie when you put kids' toys in the machine
07:53and wash them and then you just see their little faces pressed.
07:56Oh!
07:57And the children sit there watching them going round and round.
08:02Now we know why it's called Winnie the Pooh.
08:05Hey!
08:06You're right.
08:06His real name is Winnie the Filthy Shit.
08:10LAUGHTER
08:1813.5% of hard toys are in GP's waiting rooms.
08:24Don't Google that, whatever you do.
08:27LAUGHTER
08:28Don't Google hard toys.
08:30Don't Google wiping down bears.
08:34LAUGHTER
08:37Certainly not Winnie the Filthy Shit.
08:40LAUGHTER
08:41I mean, she's a lovely girl, but...
08:44LAUGHTER
08:45She should never start that website.
08:47Not what you're eating, anyway.
08:48A shocking 90% of soft toys had serious, moderate to heavy,
08:55bacterial contamination.
08:57That's what I want to leave you with.
08:58Uh, magazines...
09:00LAUGHTER
09:01LAUGHTER
09:02Why do you think that the magazines in doctor's waiting rooms
09:05are so dull, so uninteresting?
09:07Because people steal the good ones, presumably.
09:09It's the right answer!
09:12APPLAUSE
09:16It's as simple as that.
09:17Yeah.
09:18Yeah.
09:18Well, I'm not the only one, then.
09:20That is good.
09:21LAUGHTER
09:22I would never buy now or chat, but if it's there...
09:26Yeah.
09:27Nobody steals New Statesman or The Economist.
09:30Well, you might be able to...
09:31Where do we stand, then, on the gentleman's literature
09:34in the, um...
09:37booths, uh...
09:38at a place of fluid, uh, deposit?
09:42LAUGHTER
09:42The sperm banks.
09:44That's the word I'm looking for, yes.
09:46LAUGHTER
09:46Are they taken away?
09:47What I'm saying is, is that, you know,
09:49when they provide the...
09:51Where does that stand in the, you know...
09:54Like, on the filth scale?
09:57LAUGHTER
09:58Because I've only done that once,
10:00and there wasn't literature.
10:02Strictly speaking, it wasn't the sperm bank, but...
10:06LAUGHTER
10:06No, no, hang on, hang on, no.
10:09No, I...
10:10It was a regular...
10:11It was a Sperm Building Society.
10:13LAUGHTER
10:13Or...
10:14It was a regular...
10:15It was a...
10:16It was a...
10:16No, what...
10:17You went to the dinners for a way?
10:18Yes!
10:20No, no, no.
10:21What happened was, I used to live right out in the...
10:24Right out in the bush, right out in the countryside, right?
10:27Miles away, right?
10:28And...
10:30And...
10:32And I needed to do the...
10:33Were you on the register?
10:35LAUGHTER
10:37I don't know, but...
10:39No, but we live too far away...
10:41By the time you've done the deposit in the beaker...
10:44Your sperm have died.
10:45Exactly!
10:46By the time you drove this.
10:47Oh, yes, yes.
10:47So my wife just said, hey, why don't we just go to the regular doctors,
10:50and then you nip into the...
10:52Oh...
10:53And then have...
10:53And the only thing that was in there was...
10:55You know, on the ladies' sanitary bag,
10:59they have a picture of a woman in Victorian costume.
11:04There's very few things that I'm happy to admit in public, but...
11:08LAUGHTER
11:09I can't look at Mary Poppins in the same way now.
11:12LAUGHTER
11:13I fully...
11:14You didn't...
11:15You didn't do it in the bag.
11:17LAUGHTER
11:19So what I'm saying is...
11:21What I'm saying is,
11:22when a gentleman goes to a sperm bank,
11:25and they provide you with...
11:26No gentleman goes to a sperm bank, sir.
11:28LAUGHTER
11:29They provide you with a copy of Smash Hits,
11:33the One Direction special.
11:35LAUGHTER
11:35Yeah.
11:37That's...
11:37Yes.
11:39That's whatever.
11:39I believe that's why...
11:41I believe that's why Harry Styles' Haig was like...
11:44LAUGHTER
11:44Something about Harry.
11:47LAUGHTER
11:53So, there we are.
11:55The most dangerous thing in a waiting room is a cuddly toy.
11:58Which bits of your bodies could you do without?
12:00I'm going to give you an example of a human body.
12:03Erm...
12:04So that you can...
12:05Possibly...
12:06That's for you two.
12:07Erm...
12:08Kidney, you can lose a kidney.
12:09This is for you two.
12:09This is, erm...
12:11This is one of the most macabre bobbleheads I've ever seen.
12:14LAUGHTER
12:17Whoo-hoo!
12:19Shall we take out the bits we think?
12:21Yeah, take out the bits...
12:23Take out the bits we think you can...
12:25Take out the bits we think you can...
12:30There goes the liver.
12:32There goes one lung and another.
12:34I don't know what that is, but it's coming out.
12:38LAUGHTER
12:42Have you got that right?
12:43It died.
12:43It died.
12:45Are you offering me a lung?
12:46Half a brain?
12:48No?
12:48No, I was just trying to make a pork pie.
12:51LAUGHTER
12:57There it is.
12:59What have you got there?
13:00A kidney.
13:01That's what I was looking for.
13:04LAUGHTER
13:04It's not good surgical practice to get rid of everything else...
13:07..between you and the kidney.
13:09I'm going to get to the kidney.
13:10Well, now I can't get it back together again.
13:13I'm going to say...
13:14I'm going to say, if you're a man, you don't...
13:18Do you need a nipple?
13:20It's a very good question, sir.
13:21Why men have nipples?
13:22Well, because they look hot when they're pierced.
13:24But apart from that...
13:25LAUGHTER
13:25..I don't know why else you would need one.
13:28Well, the fact is that, hell...
13:29There are lots of bits you can do without.
13:32Tonsils, obviously, you knew that.
13:34Appendix, you have those out.
13:35Appendix, you knew that.
13:36What else have you come across?
13:37You've given me a kidney, which is good.
13:39I can't get back together again now.
13:40Ball bladder, you could give me.
13:42Sinuses.
13:43Head.
13:44Sinuses?
13:44Yeah.
13:45You don't need a face.
13:46Testes.
13:47I mean, obviously, we like having testes, if you're a man,
13:50but you...
13:50Mine hasn't got any testes.
13:52You wouldn't die if they're taken away.
13:53Uterus?
13:54Uterus, ovaries, all that.
13:55You can lose that.
13:55Basically, all you need is a neck.
13:57Yeah.
13:59Half your brain can go.
14:00In fact, there's an operation, a hemispherectomy.
14:03Well, you've done very well with that.
14:04Thanks, yeah.
14:06APPLAUSE
14:12If, um...
14:13If you remove...
14:13Oh, hang on.
14:14Hair.
14:14What about hair?
14:15Yes.
14:16What do you reckon, Matt?
14:24Well, I don't know why you're asking me.
14:27What happens if I were to remove four-fifths of your liver?
14:32Yep.
14:33It would grow back.
14:34Yes.
14:34That's the thing about livers.
14:35They do, they regenerate.
14:37You get that back.
14:38Teeth, obviously.
14:39Bladders can also be regrown, amazingly.
14:41The bones in your leg.
14:43Right.
14:43The fibula and tibula.
14:44The fibula isn't load-bearing, so you could lose that and you'd still be able to walk.
14:48Really?
14:48I'll have that out.
14:50I'm going to do it.
14:51Can you name one of the most famous people on earth who has gone without a lung since he was
14:58a teenager?
14:59He, so I said it's a he.
15:01Justin Bieber.
15:04Possibly more famous than Justin Bieber.
15:05Barack Obama.
15:07No, I can't.
15:08Hang on a minute.
15:08More famous than Justin Bieber.
15:10Harry, Harry Styles.
15:13Argentinian.
15:15Well, I don't know foreign people.
15:17What's all this about?
15:17There's only one truly famous Argentinian.
15:20I don't know them.
15:20I don't know them.
15:21I tell you, I don't watch that show.
15:22D'Angelo Maradona.
15:23D'Angelo Maradona is the only one I know.
15:25D'Angelo Maradona.
15:26No.
15:26The Pope!
15:28Oh!
15:29Yes, he is quite famous.
15:30Pope Francis, there he is.
15:32Oh, oh, yes.
15:33He's only got one lung.
15:34He's gone happily without a lung for a long time.
15:36So what happened when they were picking him and all that smoke's coming out the top of the mouth?
15:40Oh, I bet he was wheezing up that day, wasn't he?
15:42Hey, in the Pope!
15:44Oh, my bones!
15:45Oh, my lungs!
15:46Oh, my lungs!
15:47Oh, my lungs play it up, mate.
15:48Was he born with one lung or did he have a...
15:50No, no, as a teenager he had one removed.
15:52So, good.
15:53Can you pop your bodies away?
15:54Did I just say that?
15:56Yes.
15:56Put your bodies away.
15:57We just reacted as if that was normal.
16:00OK.
16:01So, Alan, I've got a question for you.
16:03It's quite complicated, in a way.
16:06If you had kidney failure...
16:07Right.
16:08...I would willingly, happily, gladly donate a kidney to you.
16:14I was...
16:15LAUGHTER
16:17I don't like the way they're looking at me, am I?
16:19LAUGHTER
16:20So, you've got one of my kidneys.
16:22I'm glad...
16:23You know, there's no greater cause.
16:25That would leave me with one kidney.
16:27How many kidneys would you have?
16:29Well, I presume that I've lost one.
16:33One's failed, and you've given me one, so I've got two.
16:36BUZZER
16:37BUZZER
16:38BUZZER
16:39BUZZER
16:40BUZZER
16:41It's a strange thing...
16:43..in the world of Rhinology, is that when someone has a kidney transplant...
16:50Yes.
16:51The old one stays in.
16:53Oh, does it?
16:53Yes.
16:54So, you'd have three.
16:55Oh.
16:56Very odd, isn't it?
16:56That's greedy, isn't it?
16:58It is greedy.
16:59Seems it.
16:59There's a case of a man who had repeated transplants, and he has five kidneys inside her.
17:05Oh, isn't it?
17:06He's almost a stew.
17:08LAUGHTER
17:13Oh, I wish I was wearing a hat.
17:15I would have taken it off to you.
17:18Well, there are many body parts that anybody can do without.
17:22What's wrong with 80% of medical students?
17:28They're so tired from pole dancing all night.
17:35They can't focus.
17:37They're exhausted from complaining about being tired.
17:40Well, medical students do get a hard time with it.
17:43They get very tired, but they have a condition.
17:45I'm going to say that they imagine that they're ill a lot.
17:50Because they...
17:51It's what I have, where you read about stuff, and you go,
17:55Oh, my God!
17:56Totally got that.
17:56I've totally got that.
17:57Yes, hypochondria is what it's all about.
18:00And medical students tend to believe they have the disease of the week.
18:04Each week, they learn about some extraordinary new condition,
18:08and they believe they have it.
18:10And vets get that as well, and they think they've got myxomatosis.
18:13LAUGHTER
18:14If you're a vet, then you'd end up just loving your ball.
18:19LAUGHTER
18:21Or he loves his food.
18:23Don't you, Doctor?
18:24LAUGHTER
18:27Stop licking that, Doctor! Stop licking it!
18:29He doesn't mind, he likes it!
18:32Yeah.
18:33It's called Medical Student Syndrome, and it was first identified in 1908,
18:37so it's well over 100 years old.
18:39If they read about Medical Student Syndrome,
18:41they will also believe they've got that.
18:43Yeah, I think I've got everything.
18:44So even if they haven't, they will then get it.
18:47So it's long been recognised. Long been recognised.
18:49The worst-case scenario is always...
18:52You may just have a headache, or it may be a terminal brain tumour.
18:57Yeah.
18:57We just don't know.
18:58Good day.
18:59When you smell something that isn't there, and no one else can smell,
19:02I go, can you smell burning rubber or burning hair?
19:04And they go, no.
19:05Oh, you might have a brain tumour.
19:07Yeah.
19:08Or your head might be on fire.
19:10Or you're pregnant.
19:11You can smell burning hair.
19:12Or be necklaced.
19:13Yeah, you want to put that out there.
19:14Yeah, possibly.
19:16Who might be having sex on your face right now?
19:21LAUGHTER
19:23Kim and Kanye.
19:26In your dreams.
19:28They love it.
19:30Who's having sex on your face right now?
19:34Bacteria.
19:35It's usually bacteria.
19:36Go with me on this.
19:37Mites.
19:38Mites.
19:38You said mites.
19:39Mites was the right answer.
19:41Mites.
19:41Mites.
19:42Mites.
19:43Might be.
19:44Let's...
19:45Hey!
19:46Mites may be.
19:47Let's consider this.
19:48There are mites that live on the human face.
19:53They...
19:54Unfortunately...
19:54They're disgusted already.
19:55Don't go any further.
19:57Only 14% of them are visible to the human eye.
20:00Most of them are not.
20:0214%?!
20:04Visible?
20:04Yeah.
20:05Show me something.
20:06I'll eat your moustache and then it starts curling up.
20:09LAUGHTER
20:09Not that visible.
20:11I mean, they're really...
20:13Very, very small.
20:16They have no anuses.
20:17Oh, thank God for that.
20:19LAUGHTER
20:19No.
20:20I don't know about the intercourse as they're shittier.
20:27Unfortunately, Alan...
20:28Unfortunately, the fact they have no anuses means that when they die, a whole lifetime waste
20:34is deposited on your face.
20:37LAUGHTER
20:38That's what happens.
20:39Is this...
20:40Is this...
20:40Is this 14% waste you can see?
20:43No.
20:44But what percentage of human...
20:45That's a lovely tan you've got there, dude.
20:49LAUGHTER
20:53You made it right.
20:55But what percentage, using...
20:58Tracking that waste, voided at the death of the mite, on account of its having no anus,
21:04what percentage of human beings has been calculated to have mites on their face?
21:09Oh, I know this.
21:10Yep.
21:10But I'm not going to tell you.
21:11LAUGHTER
21:12Er, oh, er, I'll guess at either 12 or 86.
21:18Any other thoughts?
21:190.1%
21:20High.
21:21High.
21:21No, the answer is 100%.
21:23We all have these mites on our face.
21:27LAUGHTER
21:27All of us.
21:28All of us.
21:29LAUGHTER
21:32You can't wash them out.
21:33They're perfectly happy to have waters.
21:35Her Majesty the Queen...
21:38Yes.
21:38Her Majesty the Queen...
21:39Royal mites.
21:40...has earners-less mites...
21:43..wonderate...
21:44..wonderate...
21:44..wonderate...
21:45German mites!
21:47..wonderate...
21:47..er, royal mites!
21:50I know.
21:51Hard to believe, isn't it?
21:52Er, but there it is.
21:53We all have mites on our face.
21:54Are they...?
21:55But there are also, er, some people believe two-thirds,
21:57and other scientists believe 98% of us have eyebrow mites.
22:02Although, one of us here...
22:05One of us here won't have eyebrow mites.
22:09That might not have eyebrows.
22:11So he doesn't.
22:12So he doesn't.
22:13I don't got no eyebrows, cos...
22:16Mum says it's cos I'm special.
22:18LAUGHTER
22:20Cos you are special.
22:22I am.
22:23You are.
22:23I lost my hair when I was six.
22:25Was it traumatic?
22:26Did you bang your head or something?
22:28Erm...
22:28Well, you know, er...
22:29Cos Duncan Goodhugh fell out of a tree.
22:31Yeah.
22:32Well, it was my head he landed on in that moment.
22:36Don't be crying.
22:37I think it's an overactive immune system
22:39that something happened and then something inside me said,
22:43Right, we don't need no hair.
22:45Right, I'm not...
22:46You treated your hair as a foreign invader?
22:48Yeah, maybe it was just a warm day
22:50and we didn't have a window open.
22:52I don't know.
22:53Maybe you're just a super evolved human, cos we don't really need hair.
22:57No, we do.
22:58This country's cold.
23:01We do.
23:02We do.
23:03We do.
23:07I would say, I mean, I feel your pain, but I would say that I've got a hairy chested man.
23:12Yeah.
23:13And with small children, when you're holding a small child, they like to grab a hold of the chest and
23:18then just lean back.
23:20Oh.
23:22Ow.
23:23You don't want that.
23:24And it's when you've got a beautiful little face just there, just looking at you, and you go,
23:28Ah!
23:30Into it.
23:31Apparently that's not good for raising a child.
23:34Right.
23:35Are you trying to make me feel better?
23:36Yeah.
23:37Well, you didn't, because I'm gay, I don't have children.
23:39And I'm very lonely.
23:40Oh!
23:42All right, then.
23:42Well, here's the thing.
23:44I'll, we'll work out a timeshare thing.
23:46Okay.
23:47I will make you a chest wig out of my own chest hair.
23:52And glue it onto you.
23:54All right.
23:54And then allow my children to rip it off.
23:56Okay.
23:56So you get, I'm all about the quality.
23:58I want you to feel the pain.
23:59All right.
24:00Of having your tits ripped off.
24:02And I, I will arrange for a whole group of men to come and have sex with you.
24:07No!
24:08No!
24:08No!
24:09No!
24:10No!
24:11No!
24:12No, no.
24:13We were there, ladies and gentlemen.
24:16Now, which of your organs most resembles an elephant's trunk?
24:21Oh!
24:22Oh!
24:24Oh, God!
24:25Oh, God!
24:26Who wants it?
24:27Alan?
24:27No, no, no.
24:28Who wants it?
24:29Go on, you, you go on.
24:30Um, I'm just trying to think of the most humorous way to phrase it.
24:35Yeah, well, no, it's not.
24:36It's not, it's not penis, it isn't penis, isn't it?
24:39No, well... Can your penis do that?
24:40It, it, an elephant's penis...
24:42It may, there may be, it's a dangling pendulous appendage, your penis, and...
24:49So is a trunk, but really, truly resembling, in structure.
24:53That's not one there, is it? It's swinging, yes.
24:56He's got, he's got tusks down there, good guess.
25:00There's a, there's a lot going on.
25:03The, er, yeah, no, the, the elephant can...
25:05It has a...
25:06Yeah!
25:08Good God.
25:09It does.
25:09Yes.
25:10All right, all right.
25:12It does, yeah.
25:13Very amusing, there's an animal that has organs of generation.
25:17Let's laugh at that for a long time.
25:20Yeah, but it is kind of funny.
25:21He's funny enough.
25:27The, the elephant, this is, and this is true, the elephant is the only mammal that has a chin.
25:34Yes.
25:35Well, what about humans?
25:39Bruce Forsythe.
25:41Exactly.
25:41But he was an elephant.
25:42Imagine that!
25:44Yeah.
25:46What is it about the trunk?
25:47What is, we have an organ that, it's like the trunk.
25:51The prehensility, is that a word?
25:53African elephants have, the end, have almost like lips, which can pick up a blade of grass, prehensile kind of
26:00little bits there.
26:01But that's, the actual tongue itself is interesting, it's a muscle.
26:04Hang on.
26:05So, the, what, what?
26:06I mean, the, the lip.
26:07Ah, have you given me the answer?
26:08The tongue?
26:09The trunk, and our tongue is the same.
26:12So what about it?
26:12Our tongue is also a muscle.
26:13It's a muscular hydrostat.
26:15The reason the trunk can take on any shape is because it's all muscle.
26:20And mostly, therefore, water, which you wouldn't think of a muscle, but it's true.
26:24And water can't be compressed, of course, liquids cannot be compressed.
26:28It can.
26:28I've had a Capri Sun, and they, they've got that packet.
26:31And they carry around.
26:32If you can put them under pressure, but they will burst out.
26:34So that means, like, so you can, you can pull a muscle.
26:37So does that mean that sometimes an elephant will be flicking away, and it'll go,
26:41Oh, oh, oh, oh, I've got, I can't knock my trunk.
26:45It's a horrible thought.
26:47And they have to rub a bit of...
26:48You have to go some to pull a muscle in your tongue there, don't you?
26:51Well, one of them said, which of us here has the strongest muscle?
26:57Well, it's bound to be the lady, isn't it?
27:00The, the...
27:01I don't look like that.
27:02Yeah, for the, for the burr thing.
27:03Yes, so which muscle would it be?
27:05Pelvic floor.
27:07They're always going on about the pelvic floor.
27:10It's the uterus.
27:11Oh, the uterus!
27:12The uterus is a muscle.
27:13Yeah, yeah.
27:14And of all the muscles in the human body, it exerts the most pressure, pound for pound.
27:19The amount of force that it exerts is equivalent to a longbow.
27:24So if you imagine someone...
27:25Good God!
27:27Pray God, I'm looking under the desk going, don't have a longbow under there, please.
27:31I'm not prepared to do that.
27:32Is that when my wife went into labor?
27:34She put an apple on me head.
27:39Well, the jaw can exert pressure, which is extremely high, 500 pounds per square inch roughly,
27:45which is enormous.
27:46And the gluteus maximus is the largest muscle in the human body, the buttock muscle.
27:51But it is the uterus that wins the prize.
27:54Now, you mentioned the gluteus maximus, the arse muscles there.
27:58This is a true thing, right?
28:01It is physically impossible for the human buttocks to break an egg.
28:08That is true.
28:11That is absolutely 100% true, and I've tried it.
28:27And...
28:29If you put the egg between the buttocks, and it doesn't matter how hard you squeeze, impossible
28:34to crack the egg.
28:35Now, here's the thing.
28:36I know that to be true.
28:37There might be people watching this who question that.
28:40And I like to think all over the country...
28:42People are now introducing eggs into the area.
28:47Is Noble lying or not?
28:49I mean, if you've got somebody lying there, you put an egg there.
28:52If somebody else is there, to go like that.
28:54Oh, but then that's not the muscle doing it.
28:56Oh, okay, yeah.
28:57That's the point.
28:58You can't put an egg in.
28:59Can you buy a twitch, a pulling in?
29:03Exactly.
29:03I'm doing it now.
29:04I mean, what are you doing?
29:07And what are you doing?
29:07Oh, that Cameron's cream egg is gone.
29:09I think that's...
29:10That's probably melting rather than...
29:13I think the worry is that you do it, the egg could go right up.
29:17So, you see, that's interesting.
29:28So, yes, your tongue is a muscular hydrostat, like an elephant's trunk.
29:33What's the difference between post-orgasmic illness syndrome
29:38and floppy trunk syndrome?
29:42LAUGHTER
29:43It was a mistake to choose the blue costume, wasn't it?
29:48LAUGHTER
29:49Those pink ones are floppy trunks, technically.
29:52Yes.
29:52It is.
29:52It needs a bra, doesn't it, that fella?
29:54LAUGHTER
29:55It's showcasing the medal lovely, though, isn't it?
29:58Yeah.
29:59LAUGHTER
30:01Are these human conditions?
30:03In the case of floppy trunk syndrome, I can tell you that it's not a human condition.
30:07You'd be pleased to know.
30:08Is it?
30:08It's an elephant.
30:10It is a condition that affects elephants.
30:11A very unhappy condition affects African elephants.
30:14They can't do anything, then, without that, can they?
30:16No, they absolutely can't.
30:18It just seems to lose all power.
30:20And it flops and they often actually kind of push it over their heads
30:25to keep it out of the way, to stop it trailing on the ground.
30:27And then the lady elephant says,
30:28don't worry, it's happened before.
30:31They leave through these books.
30:33And they have to half immerse themselves in water just to drink.
30:37They can't eat properly, they get emaciated,
30:39and they're very often put to death as a kind of massacre,
30:42because there's no cure for it
30:44and there's no understanding of where it comes from.
30:46There must be some kind of erectile dysfunction technology
30:50that could help.
30:51I suppose.
30:52It's a muscle, after all, therefore I...
30:53What you don't want is it suddenly frits you in straight.
30:57LAUGHTER
30:58That's equally useless.
31:00You can't try.
31:02It's true.
31:02That is just hopeless.
31:04Another nut because the other one useless is a very good phrase.
31:07It can't get out from the tree.
31:10LAUGHTER
31:11So, that's your floppy trunk syndrome.
31:13What's your post-orgasmic illness?
31:15I presume that does affect humans, rather.
31:17This is human, yep.
31:18Is it those feelings of revulsion?
31:20Yes, yep, absolutely.
31:22Where you're just saying,
31:24I don't even care what it is, I don't know the name,
31:26I just want them to leave.
31:27Yeah.
31:29You can then say, just here please, driver, and get out.
31:32LAUGHTER
31:33This is a worse version.
31:35These are the symptoms, after sex, flu-like symptoms,
31:38rashes, itching, exhaustion, and concentration difficulties.
31:42Alan.
31:43LAUGHTER
31:44Answer?
31:46LAUGHTER
31:46It happens to men,
31:48and it's believed to be a result of being allergic to your own semen.
31:54Oh.
31:55Not because you've drunk it, or tasted it.
31:58Though, let's face it, which of us hasn't?
32:01LAUGHTER
32:01Thanks, thanks.
32:03Oh.
32:03Oh dear.
32:06Don't misjudge.
32:07Steven.
32:08Steven.
32:09My mum's sitting just...
32:11Sorry.
32:12She told me not to do this show.
32:14I am sorry.
32:15She sent it to you.
32:16She sent it to you.
32:16She even guessed the cure for being allergic to your own semen.
32:20Introduced onto your skin, or anything like that,
32:22which caused the problem.
32:24Is the...
32:24To solve it,
32:26because you know, like, if you're, like, allergic to cats,
32:28and you slowly bring a cat closer...
32:31Yes.
32:31Is it the same thing?
32:32Yes.
32:33It is.
32:33Do you stand on your head and...
32:35Well...
32:36You don't have to do that.
32:37You ask a doctor to do it for you.
32:39Oh, God, no.
32:39Multiple, multiple subcutaneous injections of your own semen.
32:44Well, I've injected into others, but...
32:47LAUGHTER
32:50I can't tell you, but you're amusing to me.
32:54LAUGHTER
32:56I'll be less comfortable injecting into my semen.
32:58I don't know if it would reach.
32:59No, no idea is absolutely convenient.
33:00Oh, don't go coy now, Steven.
33:02LAUGHTER
33:03You blotted up.
33:04Why on this picture of sperm have they blotted out all the faces?
33:09LAUGHTER
33:10Good question.
33:11Well, that seems to be the problem with multiple, um,
33:14post-orgasmic syndrome.
33:16LAUGHTER
33:19I imagine the effort that physically...
33:21Another unfortunate allergy is suffered by Ian Ragg,
33:25spelt W-R-A-G-G, a Yorkshire magician
33:28who is allergic to the rabbit that he pulls out of the hat.
33:31You think, well, why doesn't he pull out
33:32Cocker Spaniels or kittens or...?
33:35That must be brilliant, though, seeing his show.
33:38There's a top hat and he puts his hand in,
33:40his hand comes out twice the same.
33:43LAUGHTER
33:45He doesn't even need to pull the rabbit up.
33:47Look at this, kid.
33:51We had a, um...
33:52We had a lady who came in to work on Little Britain,
33:55an animal handler, and, uh, she was terrified of...
33:58Is that bringing in David Walliam?
34:00Yeah.
34:01LAUGHTER
34:06It was, um...
34:08I'm diplomatically not laughing, but I'm laughing inside.
34:11LAUGHTER
34:12And this animal handler was terrified of mice,
34:15and she had mice on the show.
34:17She was like, oh...
34:18LAUGHTER
34:19Yeah.
34:20And I just thought, well, pick another job.
34:21There's a lot of other jobs.
34:23LAUGHTER
34:23That's ridiculous.
34:25I once worked with an animal handler who,
34:27he had a parrot on his shoulder,
34:29and he was chatting away,
34:31and then every now and again,
34:32the parrot would just steal his ear again.
34:35LAUGHTER
34:37And every time he did it,
34:39he looked at him as if to go, oh,
34:41the parrot's just stole him a ear again.
34:42And then he had to try and get it back off the parrot.
34:45You all go, the parrot's got it.
34:47What?
34:47The parrot's got it.
34:49What?
34:49Oh.
34:51Well, there you go.
34:52That's one of the worst things an elephant can suffer from.
34:55It's, um, floppy trunk syndrome.
34:58Who has the best teeth in the world?
35:01I really like this question.
35:02The Bee Gees.
35:03The Bee Gees?
35:04They have good teeth.
35:05John Bishop?
35:06I'm looking for a nation.
35:08American.
35:09Oh.
35:10Ooh, who did you say Americans?
35:11No, no, I didn't say...
35:14Is it Scandinavia?
35:15It must be the Scandinavia.
35:17No.
35:17Oh, no, it's...
35:18English.
35:18Yes, the British!
35:20Yeah!
35:20The British have the best teeth in the world.
35:23It's true.
35:26According to...
35:27We win again!
35:30Yeah, according to the OECD,
35:32the Organisation of Economic Cooperation and Development,
35:35an international body,
35:36they looked at all the different nations of the earth
35:39and they found that according to fillings and decay,
35:42and so on,
35:43the British children had the best teeth on planet earth.
35:48Did they just go to one particular school in Nottingham?
35:51I don't think so.
35:52I think it was in...
35:53Yeah, but they said that we've got...
35:54that's because we've got less fillings.
35:55Maybe it's because we don't go to the dentist at all.
35:58Fewer fillings.
36:00Fewer fillings.
36:00Fewer fillings.
36:01No, no.
36:03That was just being silly.
36:04Knock, knock.
36:05Yeah, who's there?
36:06To.
36:06To who?
36:07No, it's to whom.
36:17Oh, I love that.
36:18But actually...
36:20You could argue that.
36:21The best teeth in the world are, in fact, not human, but...
36:24The limpet.
36:25The limpet.
36:26The limpet.
36:26What's so great about limpet's teeth?
36:28They get them stuck in a rock.
36:29Yeah, they're on a tongue,
36:31and they're basically the strongest...
36:33Biological matter.
36:34On earth.
36:35Incredible power.
36:36To give you an example.
36:38Limpet's teeth.
36:39Limpet's teeth.
36:40Now, how do they compare...
36:41On the scale, bees' knees, limpet's teeth.
36:45Where are we on the...
36:47Well...
36:48On the scale there.
36:49What you can do is...
36:50You...
36:51It's about hanging things from spaghetti.
36:53Right.
36:54Right.
36:55The bees' knees, I ought to tell you,
36:57It was just an American way of expressing when...
37:00Immigrants from Italy and other places said,
37:02It's the business.
37:04It's the bees' knees.
37:05Oh.
37:05Became bees' knees.
37:07So, it's not really...
37:08Anything to do with the knee of a bee.
37:10As some.
37:11And what about...
37:12It's the dogs are bollocks.
37:14So...
37:15Basically, their teeth strength is the equivalent of...
37:19A single string of spaghetti...
37:22Holding up...
37:233,000...
37:24Half kilo bags of sugar.
37:26Or...
37:271,500 kilos.
37:31Right.
37:32So...
37:34And now, as is our general practice,
37:38It's time to prescribe a dose of general ignorance.
37:41Figures on buzzers.
37:42What did Gabriele Fallopio call these?
37:48Yes, listen.
37:50My bloody tubes.
37:52My bloody tubes.
37:54He didn't call them tubes.
37:56Are they, um...
37:58Those doctor...
37:58What do they call it?
37:59Beats?
38:00Those headphones.
38:00The Beats.
38:03Fallopians by Dre.
38:05Yeah.
38:07Fallopian tubes we think of.
38:09Yes.
38:10But Fallope.
38:11He called them something else.
38:12He thought when he identified these shapes inside the lady person.
38:16A lady's pipes.
38:17Yeah.
38:17He thought they reminded him of what were in those days rather long musical instruments with an end, like a
38:23trumpets bell.
38:24These were tubas.
38:25And so he called them tubas.
38:29And if you have a tuba, if you have a word ending in A in Italian, how do you pluralise
38:36it? What is tu, tuba?
38:38Tube.
38:39Tube.
38:39Tube.
38:40With an E on the end, spelled T-U-B-E.
38:43So when it went around the world as his tuba, his tubas, people saw the word tube.
38:49But in fact he called them tubas.
38:51So now when a lady breaks wind she can say, I'm sorry, it's just my fallopian tubas.
38:54See how tuba.
38:55My fallopian tuba.
38:56Exactly.
38:57Sorry about the tuba.
38:59That's quite interesting, I think.
39:01That is interesting.
39:01Reasonably interesting.
39:02He also gave the world the condom.
39:05He was 16th century, so it was 15, 1540s.
39:08What were they made of then?
39:10I will show you.
39:11This.
39:12Oh, is it the pig's, the old pig's bladder, is it?
39:14Would you like to play with a condom?
39:15What, is that a real one?
39:16No, that's not real.
39:16No, it's been made by our director's wife, as a matter of fact.
39:25I love blowing up a condom, don't you?
39:28Falope was very...
39:29Didn't answer.
39:30...ahead of his time.
39:33Didn't know.
39:34He was very ahead of his time.
39:35He reckoned that the use of these would save a lot of deaths and infections from syphilis.
39:41And he actually gave about 1,100 men he gave condoms, and none of them developed syphilis.
39:50Not one of those men got pregnant.
39:53I tell you what, it'd keep you warm, wouldn't it?
39:55Yeah, exactly.
39:56Not right for the woman, because it's quite abrasive.
39:59Well...
40:00Well...
40:01Yes.
40:01I don't know.
40:03Oh, was it?
40:06My.
40:07Well, it seems that a fallopian tube should really be a fallopian tuber.
40:14So, which of these couples is most likely to catch a cold?
40:18A couple on the left, because you get more of it from contact with hands.
40:22You're right, you're right.
40:24Yeah, because then you scratch your eyes and you...
40:25That's exactly the point.
40:27Mucus, and so is the nose.
40:29And people who do that have got a cold.
40:31They get...
40:31They get left everywhere and door handles them.
40:32And they shake hands with someone.
40:33But saliva is not a problem as far as cold transmission is concerned at all.
40:38Really?
40:38Saliva?
40:39What, you can't...?
40:39No.
40:40So you can osculate as much as you like.
40:42You can give it good French, and you won't necessarily get a cold from it.
40:45You might get another...
40:46Who's that?
40:47I've seen her.
40:48It's been for your limb.
40:48In the blue?
40:50I've seen her.
40:50Oh, the...
40:52On the stamp.
40:53That's it.
40:54Look at her face, covered in mites.
41:00Disgusting.
41:00You disgust me, Your Majesty.
41:03You disgust me.
41:04Look at Dan Vera Lynn there.
41:06Could eat your dinner off her face.
41:08That's why we won the war.
41:10She's let the country down with those mites.
41:12Yeah.
41:13Look at Terry Wogan leaning forward, going,
41:14Ah, Jesus, they put his eye out.
41:16They put him in a pan and boiled his head.
41:20Anyway, you know, this can go forever, but it mustn't.
41:23It mustn't, and it won't, and it shan't, and shut up.
41:25So, erm...
41:27You're more likely to catch a cold from holding someone's hand
41:29than tickling their tonsils.
41:32Here's a quick, easy question.
41:33What's a hip fracture?
41:35That's cracking the hip bone.
41:37Is it not really a fracture, and that's why you're asking Mr.
41:40The...
41:42Fracture of the hip.
41:42Oh, I see.
41:43A hip fracture is not a fracture of the hip.
41:45Yeah, yeah, yeah.
41:46I know, it's weird to say this, but it's true.
41:48A hip fracture is a fracture of the femur.
41:50Oh.
41:51Of the long thigh bone.
41:53There.
41:53Okay, but what if you actually fracture your hip?
41:55That's a pelvic fracture.
41:57All right, but what if you actually fracture your pelvis?
41:59That's...
41:59We could go on, and then...
42:01It's a different name.
42:02You know, it does seem mad.
42:04It's a question that was designed simply to get points out of Alan, and it worked in so...
42:08Oh, well, no wonder the doctors are going mad.
42:10It is a bit peculiar, I grant you.
42:12And we now come coughing and spluttering to the most heavily doctored part of the whole evening.
42:18The scores.
42:20Oh, my.
42:21Why?
42:21Well, in first place, with not a cough, not a tickle, clear skin, free of mites, on nine points, it's
42:29Lucy Porter!
42:32I don't know.
42:34I don't know.
42:35I don't know.
42:35I don't know.
42:36I don't know.
42:36In second place, almost as healthy, it's Ross Noble on seven points.
42:44On minus five with a tickety throat, and not looking too well, it's Matt Lucas!
43:00And groaning and wheezing at death's door on minus 44, Alan Davis.
43:16So, it only remains for me to thank Matt Ross, Lucy and Alan.
43:20I leave you with the words of Rodney Dangerfield.
43:22When I was born, I was so ugly, the doctor slapped my mother.
43:27Good night.
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