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  • 2 days ago
Hacks. S05 - E05

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00:00.
00:00.
00:03.
00:10Look at that speed.
00:12Damien.
00:13He's clocking at nine miles per hour.
00:16Ooh, let's get his info.
00:18The Harris team is looking good.
00:20They were the laughing stock of the Hospitality Olympics last year,
00:22but they've really turned things around.
00:24They've got a strong anchor.
00:26Eh, she's quick, but I worry about precision.
00:30We're only staffing the best of the best at the D.Va.
00:33Ooh, is that what you're calling the casino?
00:35Mm-hmm.
00:36The D.Va. I like that.
00:38D.Va.
00:42Ooh, look at that little one.
00:44He lets the sock of the vacuum pull him.
00:47He'll be less prone to injury.
00:50Smart.
00:55Okay.
00:56What's going on?
00:57I like his passion.
00:58No.
00:59Can't do it.
01:00Horrible at trivia.
01:01Call it. Call it, Ray.
01:02Yes!
01:03Who do you think you are?
01:04I am!
01:05I am Ray, motherfuckers!
01:09We did good.
01:10Come on, let's go.
01:11You need to be perfect.
01:12Work for this. Work for this.
01:13This is where a hotel succeeds or fails.
01:16A well-made bed.
01:17That's almost all there is.
01:18Look at him in the vest.
01:20I like the way he handles the top sheet.
01:23Go, Sophie! Go! Go!
01:24I did not want to bring you tonight.
01:26Prove me wrong!
01:27He's a surgeon.
01:28Quick, but measured.
01:30Efficient, but not careless.
01:32Fold that talk!
01:33Hospital quarters!
01:35We went over there, Sophie!
01:36Jesus Christ!
01:38Check! Check!
01:42Oh, yes!
01:48I am the best spin-breaker in the world!
01:53Oh, girl.
01:55I see you.
01:56Yeah.
01:56All right.
01:57Best, best.
01:58Moment of truth.
01:59Best, best.
02:00Yes!
02:01Good girl!
02:02See, I'm on your side, girl.
02:05You know what I miss? Go fish.
02:07Mom!
02:08Mom!
02:09Hi, guys.
02:10Mom, I need you.
02:11Oh, no, honey.
02:12Is Aiden leaving you?
02:14This is what men do.
02:15They leave.
02:16Okay, you gotta make sure that all the vehicles are in your name.
02:19No.
02:19Are they?
02:20No, no, no, no.
02:20Mom!
02:22They're finally doing Celebrity Amazing Race!
02:25Oh.
02:27Remember, you said that you would go on it with me if they ever made it.
02:29Oh.
02:31Oh, yeah.
02:32No, DJ, you know that I gagged.
02:33I can't do any TV, no performing for months.
02:36Nice try.
02:37I called your lawyer.
02:38You called Stuart?
02:39Well, that's what you get for suing me for criminal negligence for breaking Grandma's teapot, okay?
02:42Stuart and I have developed a lovely working relationship, and he says you're in the clear
02:46as long as this season airs after the non-compete expires, and it does, so suck it!
02:52No.
02:52You are not allowed to do a reality show.
02:54That has always been our rule.
02:56Mom!
02:57This is really important to me, okay?
02:58You know it's important to me.
03:01Amazing Race got me sober.
03:03Excuse me.
03:04I think $400,000 worth of rehab got you sober.
03:07Nope.
03:08That failed.
03:09Episodes of The Amazing Race got me through some really dark times, okay?
03:12Phil Kogan is my higher power, and you promised me that if I got sober, we would go on together.
03:17Okay.
03:18Okay.
03:19You're right.
03:19I'll think about it.
03:20Yeah, think about it, but I need an answer by 5 o'clock, okay?
03:23Plus, if we win, we get a million dollars, which covers my allowance for the year.
03:27Well, honey, I think all that money goes to charity.
03:30Oh, fuck!
03:31Really?
03:32That's so stupid.
03:33You know what?
03:33I'm sure there's a workaround.
03:34I still want to do it.
03:35I'm gonna go practice driving on the wrong side of the road.
03:39Christ.
03:40Yeah.
03:41Look, I don't think it's the worst thing in the world for you to go on a reality show.
03:44I mean, there'll be a big announcement revealing the cast, and you can get them to plug MSG in the
03:48press release.
03:48You know, she's right.
03:50Reality shows do give celebrities fresh relevance.
03:53That's true.
03:54But the problem with reality shows is you cannot control the narrative.
03:58I mean, that's why I've turned down Andy Cohen more than every twink on Fire Island.
04:02Oh.
04:02And they can make you look however they want.
04:03I mean, don't worry about me, but, I mean, they could really make DJ look like a fool.
04:07I mean, she doesn't seem to worry to me.
04:10Yeah.
04:11And having her as my teammate would probably be out on the first leg.
04:15I could be home in a week.
04:17You do need to sell tickets.
04:19Well, I guess it looks like I'm doing the amazing race.
04:23Woo!
04:24Girl, I cannot wait to watch your ass.
04:26It's gonna be great.
04:34Ugh, that's bad too.
04:36Ugh, food waste is so depressing.
04:39You know this is the fourth blackout we've had this year?
04:41It's the sixth.
04:42Two happened during separate 12-hour naps you were taking.
04:45Not sleeps, naps.
04:47And you slept those nights too.
04:49That's even worse.
04:51Thank God I'm such a good napper, I'd be even more stressed out about the climate crisis.
04:55And don't monitor my sleep.
04:57It's private.
04:58But he's fascinating.
05:04Jimbo!
05:05What's up?
05:06Hey, so I just finished lunch with Jessica Duncan and I have great news.
05:09She loves the who's making dinner idea.
05:11She wants to hear it.
05:12Are you serious?
05:13Yeah, she flipped out.
05:15Are you peeing?
05:16What?
05:16Call me back if you're peeing.
05:17I can talk to you in a second.
05:18No, I'm making coffee.
05:20Although I have peed over on the phone before.
05:23Okay.
05:24Anyway, I want to get you and Debra in a room with her.
05:26Is Debra excited because this could be really big?
05:28Um, I have not yet.
05:31I haven't talked to Debra yet.
05:32Well, you need to ASAP.
05:34Also, I do need to flag one issue with the rights.
05:38Apparently when Frank died, he left them to Kathy.
05:41Please tell me you mean Najimy.
05:43Why would I mean Kathy Najimy?
05:44Now, Kathy, her sister, the one who hates her.
05:46I even tried to grease the wheels.
05:48I gave her a call today.
05:49But she wanted to get off the phone because she said I was, quote, an enabler of her abuser.
05:52Who?
05:53Which I think is unfair.
05:54But you know what?
05:54We all have our narrative, so whatever.
05:56Whatever to her.
05:57She's a fucking bitch.
05:58Okay.
05:59Well, uh, I'll talk to Debra.
06:02Let me know what our girl says.
06:03And if she is not happy, don't tell me.
06:05Just internalize it.
06:09I think you're packing too much stuff.
06:11You really have room for six rolls of toilet paper?
06:13Oh, you can't just downgrade your toilet tissue out of nowhere.
06:17I haven't had time to build up any kind of a tolerance.
06:19It's a shock to the system.
06:20I mean, you can go to the hospital.
06:22Totally.
06:23Um, hey, while I have you, so you know how I have that blind script deal?
06:28Mm-hmm.
06:29Well, um, I figured out what I want to do.
06:33Uh, I want to reboot Who's Making Dinner.
06:36Oh.
06:37Um, yeah, it would take place in the same house, but instead of a young couple,
06:40it would follow some, uh, Gen Z friends who have to all live together to afford it.
06:44I could pitch it, and then you could just, like, totally rewrite it if you wanted to.
06:47Like, just whichever version works for you, I feel like, yeah, done with.
06:51But, um, I just wanted to run it by you, because...
06:53I really don't want to do a reboot of Who's Making Dinner.
06:56Oh.
06:58Okay.
06:59But you should.
07:01No, no, no, no.
07:02I wouldn't want to do it without you.
07:05No, no, no.
07:05I'm moving forward with the garden, but I give you my blessing.
07:11Are you sure?
07:12I mean, I know it's, like, triggering for you when people rewrite your story.
07:18Well, I would trust you to do it.
07:22Thanks.
07:24I won't let you down.
07:26I know.
07:28But you know I don't have the rights, so I can't help you with that.
07:32Well, maybe you can.
07:45Look at that headshot.
07:48It's at least 20 years old.
07:51We have two offers already, and two others are writing.
07:54Mm.
07:54Okay.
07:55So if you're interested, I suggest you come in aggressively.
07:58Okay, great.
07:58Thanks.
08:02What the hell are you doing here?
08:04Nice bones, Kathy.
08:05Not you.
08:06The house.
08:07How did you find me?
08:08Do you still have that P.I. following me?
08:10P.I.?
08:11What P.I.?
08:14He died.
08:16Is there somewhere we can sit?
08:17If we must.
08:22I was surprised you weren't at the christening.
08:24What?
08:25We both were.
08:27I'm A.J.'s godmother.
08:29I am A.J.'s godmother.
08:30Oh, God.
08:32D.J. must have had two christenings.
08:34You want to alternate months?
08:38So, um, listen, I know why you're here.
08:41I talked to Jimmy against the advice of my healer.
08:44Deborah, you are not getting the rights to that show.
08:47The thing is, they're not for Deborah.
08:48They're for me.
08:49Ah, sure.
08:50No, really, they are.
08:51What are you going to do with them?
08:53Nothing.
08:54Well, you didn't know that.
08:55I journal.
08:56So what's your price?
08:57You obviously need the money.
08:59I don't remember you having a passion for selling real estate.
09:02You weren't even good at playing house.
09:03Well, you always made me be the maid.
09:05Well, you were a natural.
09:07I'm surprised you could remember anything at all.
09:09I read that you had a psychotic break live on air.
09:13No surprise there.
09:14Hope you're getting help.
09:16Just like you got help in the 90s with Prozac?
09:18How did you?
09:19I had D.J. go through your trash like a good little girl.
09:21Okay, my sisters.
09:23Let's turn the volume down.
09:24Kathy, is there anything we could do to change your mind?
09:31Well, there is one thing.
09:34No.
09:35No.
09:35Let's go.
09:36What?
09:36When we were little, our mother had these salt and pepper shakers.
09:40Do not waste your breath.
09:41They were cherubic, porcelain, little blonde girls.
09:44She used to say they looked exactly like us.
09:46We loved them.
09:47That's why we started shaker collections of our own.
09:50Then when mom passed, Deborah stole them from me.
09:53I never stole them.
09:54Mom said she always wanted me to have them.
09:56I'll give you the rights if you give me back the shakers.
09:58Which is never gonna happen.
10:00See?
10:00She's deliberately crushing your dreams.
10:03Sadistic, really.
10:04This woman is sick.
10:05This woman is sick!
10:11Let's leave.
10:12Okay.
10:13It's great.
10:13Don't even think about coming back without those shakers!
10:18Oh.
10:20Windows cracked.
10:20Candles are lit.
10:21There's mold.
10:22Run.
10:22Run.
10:26Hello.
10:29I'm sorry.
10:30I...
10:32I would pay anything.
10:33I just can't...
10:34I can't do that.
10:36I get it.
10:36That's okay.
10:37Thank you for trying.
10:51Amazing race contestants.
10:53Take your places, please.
10:57Oh, my God.
10:58This is the best day of my life.
10:59Thank you so much for doing this.
11:01Well, you're welcome, sweetie.
11:02But just remember our deal, okay?
11:03You're representing the family.
11:04Yeah.
11:05So, when on camera.
11:06Mm-hmm.
11:06No swearing.
11:07Right.
11:08No unladylike behavior.
11:09Mm-hmm.
11:09No talking back.
11:11Okay.
11:11When in doubt, ask yourself, WWMD.
11:14What would mommy do?
11:15I know.
11:15Yes, what would mommy do?
11:16I understand.
11:17Don't talk back.
11:17I didn't.
11:18I talked with.
11:20We said the same thing.
11:21Okay.
11:21Hey, everyone.
11:22Yes!
11:22I would officially like to welcome you all to the amazing race.
11:31Now, since this is our first celebrity race,
11:34why don't we just talk a little bit about why you were taking part.
11:38Drew and Jonathan, what inspired you to be here today?
11:41Well, we love to compete.
11:42So, not if, but when we win.
11:46Very confident.
11:47Yeah.
11:47Okay.
11:48We're gonna be donating our prize money to the Alzheimer's Association.
11:50We have a family member who died from Alzheimer's, so we're going on this journey for the patients and doctors
11:56who are running the much harder race, the one for a cure.
11:59Okay, that's a great cause.
12:01Great cause.
12:01Yeah.
12:02Yeah.
12:03Yeah.
12:03Now, JR and Richard.
12:05We are playing for the United Negro College Fund.
12:08Right.
12:08Who also support HBCUs throughout the country.
12:11Yeah.
12:11And the million dollars that we are going to win, correct?
12:14That's just a fraction of the $26 million that the United Negro College Fund donates every single year to scholarships.
12:20Awesome.
12:20Another great cause.
12:24Now, what about you, Deborah and DJ Vance?
12:27I'm here to promote my comeback show at Madison Square Garden, September 11th.
12:34Okay.
12:35Um, how about we get this race started, everybody?
12:38Yeah!
12:40Are you ready for your life-changing adventure?
12:43Yes, we are.
12:44Let's go.
12:45Good luck.
12:46Travel safe.
12:48Go!
12:49Go!
12:50Google!
12:52Go!
12:53Go!
12:55Go!
12:55Go!
12:56This is gonna be interesting.
12:58Go!
12:59Go!
13:01Come on!
13:02Go!
13:02Go for it!
13:03Go!
13:07Right, go!
13:08Okay, drag yourselves to LAX and fly to Oaxaca, Mexico.
13:11When you land make your way to Campos Molinos, you have 50 dollars for this length of the race.
13:15You have 50 dollars for this leg of the race!
13:15You have 50 dollars!
13:17Come on, the sweating hair to stink.
13:19No, no, no, honey, we have talk about a razorback cut on your...
13:22Stop it! Get in the car!
13:33He'll be expecting us to move...
13:35Right there, right there.
13:38Your next flight to Oaxaca, Mexico.
13:40Hola.
13:41We want the same flight they're getting.
13:42Yes, yes, please, please.
13:43Hi, Deborah.
13:43I'm like, I love you so much.
13:46I have to say, I went as you for Halloween all of middle school.
13:49Got the fucking shit kicked out of me.
13:51Worth it!
13:52No, I'm obsessed with you.
13:53Jordan just told me you do comedy, too.
13:57He had to tell you that?
13:58Well, now that I know I'm obsessed,
14:00we should totally work together.
14:01The blonde comedy girls.
14:04You're a comedian?
14:05Yeah, well, I can also talk really, really, really fast.
14:07And what else?
14:08Oh, I can do ASMR.
14:10Do you feel it?
14:11Do you feel it on the back of your neck?
14:12She's major.
14:13Generational talent.
14:15And this is online comedy?
14:16Well, I've also done Broadway and the Hollywood Bowl.
14:19Yeah, she sold out in, like, under two seconds.
14:21Yeah, it was super fun.
14:23So, should we make this official?
14:25Alliance?
14:26Allianciana?
14:27Allianciana.
14:28We could call ourselves the funny honeys.
14:31I don't think so, thanks.
14:34Wait.
14:35No, Mom.
14:35Mom, no, no.
14:36Alliances are a huge part of the race.
14:38Yeah.
14:39Okay, so, listen.
14:40What if there's a puzzle and we can't figure it out?
14:41Don't you want them to give us a hint on their way out?
14:43That happens literally all the time.
14:45Absolutely not.
14:46She says we're both comedians.
14:47How dare she compare herself to me?
14:49Oh, God.
14:49They will get last and we will win this race.
14:52Come on!
14:52Let's go.
14:57Don't be afraid to push.
14:58Don't be afraid to push.
14:59Get out of my way, don't be afraid to push!
15:02Don't be afraid to push!
15:04Don't be afraid to push!
15:07Don't be afraid to push!
15:08We got it! We got it!
15:09Okay, okay, okay.
15:12No!
15:14Deborah!
15:16Get in the goddamn cab!
15:18Go, go, go!
15:19I got it. It's good TV.
15:22We need to go there.
15:24Are you paying attention?
15:26This is very important.
15:28We are in a race for one million doleros.
15:31RAPIDO! RAPIDO!
15:50Oh, damn it!
15:51I was hoping they'd be stranded and abducted.
15:54Where are the kidnappers from Sinhala drug cartel when you need them?
15:57Oh, it's a roadblock. That means only one of us can complete the challenge.
15:59Okay, okay, okay, okay.
16:01Who's the big cheese?
16:03This one's addressed to me.
16:05Mom, every single contestant is a celebrity, okay?
16:07What's wrong with your fiend?
16:09Transport a wheel of cheese down the hill using a traditional antique cheese rack.
16:10Once there, you'll receive your next clue.
16:11Transport a wheel of cheese down the hill using a traditional antique cheese rack.
16:17Once there, you'll receive your next clue.
16:20Huh? Okay.
16:21All right, okay. This sounds complex. I think I should do this one.
16:23You're not that coordinated. No, no, no, no, no.
16:25I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. Hopefully, we can complete this quick
16:27and catch up to the other teams.
16:28Honey, honey, you're flyaways. Stop!
16:30All right, can she take that again?
16:50What are you doing? Are you tying it? Just tie the cheese!
16:56Hey!
16:57That's it, teacher!
16:59I wanted to say before, um, I know you got canceled.
17:03It's American pain and everything. I just want to say, like, from cancel queen to cancel queen,
17:07like, it hurts the soul, helps the wallet.
17:09Just if I could give you any advice, you know, who am I to say, I'm, you know, 19.
17:15Okay, baby! You got me!
17:22That's it, girl! Come on, honey!
17:25No! No!
17:26Run every footstep, but don't hunch!
17:29You're on camera!
17:30Steady! Steady!
17:32Trisha! Where are you?!
17:36Oh, there's you! You got this, Trish!
17:40Okay! Okay!
17:44Oh!
17:44Oh, my God!
17:45Oh, my God!
17:52Nice and easy!
17:56Oh!
17:57Oh!
17:57Shit!
17:57Oh, my God!
17:59Okay!
18:00Oh!
18:01Oh, my ankle!
18:02Honey, stop whippering. Stop whippering.
18:03It shows weakness!
18:04All right.
18:05Sweetie, one more thing.
18:07You're gonna have to get back up and grab the cheese and finish the challenge, okay?
18:10Fuck!
18:13She's good!
18:14She's good!
18:15She's good!
18:16She's good!
18:54Hey, Todd.
18:55Ooh!
18:56Woo!
18:56Ooh!
18:57Hey.
18:58What are you doing?
18:58Me? Just me?
19:00Yeah.
19:01Oh, nothing.
19:02Uh, er, I just came down to get a midnight snack,
19:04but then by the time I got here, I was not hungry anymore
19:06because the house was so big,
19:07and it took me so long to get down here.
19:08Totally.
19:09What's up with you? What are you doing up?
19:10Just walking the dogs.
19:12Okay. At this hour? That's curious.
19:14Well, when Debra's out of town,
19:16they get super anxious and just, like, shit everywhere.
19:19Oh, whew. Oh, sorry. I'm so tired.
19:23Oh.
19:24Mm, I gotta go to bed.
19:26Uh, but yeah, it was good to see you.
19:29Good night.
19:30I'm gonna go. This is me. I'm headed this way.
19:32I know. Good night.
19:34Okay, good night. Good night, Damien.
19:36Okay.
19:40Now I kind of want a snack.
19:44Somebody help me right now.
19:48Bad situation, babe.
19:50I'm in a bad situation, babe.
19:56God, honey, be careful.
19:58Okay.
20:00That's the last clue.
20:01That means we're the last team.
20:02I have to beat that idiot woman.
20:04We can still make up time, okay?
20:05We can make up time.
20:06Because in this race, the game's not over
20:09until you're standing on that mat
20:10and Phil says you're eliminated.
20:12All right, it's another roadblock.
20:13Who's got milk?
20:15Okay, now, sweetie, why don't you sit this one out?
20:17What?
20:17Rest your ankles.
20:18What? No.
20:18Mom, what if it's a food challenge?
20:20We both know you are not going to be caught dead
20:22eating full-fat dairy on camera,
20:23so I will be doing it.
20:24Well, that's true, but you didn't do so well
20:25in the last roadblock.
20:26I did fine.
20:27Well, this is my dream, all right?
20:29And I said I would be doing the roadblock,
20:30so the rules say that I have to do the roadblock.
20:33Okay?
20:33All right.
20:34Milk a goat.
20:35Milk a goat.
20:35Until you have two quarts,
20:36when you think you have completed this task,
20:38present your milk to the goat farmer
20:40to receive your next clue.
20:41No problem.
20:42Okay.
20:43To the right, to the right, to the right.
20:46Okay, there it is, there it is.
20:47You got it, you got it.
20:47Just grab the gare.
20:52Jesus.
20:53She really is multi-talented.
20:55Aren't these goats so cute?
20:57I'm gonna get, like, six or seven when I get home.
20:59I don't like them.
21:00They're demonic.
21:01Why are their eyes so far apart?
21:03I'm done!
21:04Oh, we're done.
21:05Yay!
21:05Good to see you.
21:07Hey, hey.
21:08No, don't.
21:10Hold on, hold on, hold on.
21:12Get over there.
21:14Get your boobs easy for me.
21:15DJ, DJ, why don't you watch the nice man?
21:17Do it for a minute before you try.
21:19I don't need to watch the man, okay?
21:20Don't you remember when I had that past life regression therapy
21:23and I found out I was a milkmaid who was secretly a princess?
21:25I got this.
21:26Sure.
21:27You have to hold.
21:29Okay, well, she's being a bitch.
21:30That's not, that's not my fault.
21:32Pinch the top of the teat, DJ.
21:33The top of the teat.
21:34Hey, mom, hey, mom.
21:35If you could shut up for a second, that would help.
21:37You're distracting me, okay?
21:38What, the top of the teat?
21:39What does that mean?
21:39Which end is the top?
21:40Just watch the guy.
21:42Watch the guy and then do it the way he's doing it.
21:45Don't yell at me.
21:46Shut the fuck up.
21:47I need to watch the guy.
21:48Deborah.
21:48It's a roadblock.
21:49You cannot help your partner.
21:50I know, Elise.
21:52Gotta relax into it.
21:54Oh.
21:55Huh?
21:56Huh?
21:57You gotta relax into that past life.
21:59Oh, my God.
22:11Look at you guys.
22:14Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
22:16Calm down.
22:17It doesn't work, but I will hit you with it.
22:20And don't you dare touch anything in this shop, you harlot.
22:24I remember you.
22:25You threatened to smash a limoge vase to strong army into selling to Debra Vance.
22:30I did.
22:30I did do that.
22:31I was in a desperate situation.
22:33And I am once again in a desperate situation.
22:36But I come in peace.
22:37I need your help.
22:39Just some information.
22:41Ha!
22:41Go straight to hell.
22:43I'd never help you.
22:44Oh.
22:45That's too bad to hear.
22:48Seems like you've got a lot of, um, inventory around here.
22:52And I did happen to notice some items on your website are heavily discounted.
22:58Maybe times are tough.
23:00Whew.
23:01Your generation doesn't understand antiques.
23:04But it'll come around.
23:05It's always cyclical.
23:07Well, if you want to wait for that to happen, be my guest.
23:10But what if I told you that I could take half your inventory right now at market value?
23:15I wouldn't believe you.
23:16You're lying piece of shit.
23:18Ha!
23:19That's wise.
23:19I can't.
23:21But I know someone who can.
23:23Marcus!
23:28Sam!
23:29Mr. Vaughn, you're looking fit.
23:34I'm decorating and furnishing an entire new casino with all vintage pieces.
23:39If you help my friend here, I'm sure we can make a deal.
23:42What's the style?
23:43Art Deco.
23:44Where?
23:44The old paradiso.
23:45Fabulous.
23:46I need someone who can make me an exact replica of these.
23:54Why would you ask an antiques dealer where you could get a fake?
23:59Well, I seem to remember a certain psychotic bitch telling me that you once fooled her
24:07with a counterfeit Georgiou of sconce.
24:09I remember because she called it the worst betrayal of her life.
24:12Mind you, her husband porked her sister.
24:15So I need to know who your forger is.
24:17Because he's obviously very good.
24:21Well, lucky for you, you're looking at him.
24:27God, I love this town.
24:30Can I use your bathroom?
24:32No.
24:34I don't see anything.
24:36Well, are you looking?
24:37Of course.
24:38Of course I'm looking.
24:39I don't know.
24:40Why?
24:40You'll be running if I saw it.
24:41Don't be sassy.
24:42Wait, sit down there.
24:43Look, look, look.
24:44There it is.
24:45Hot.
24:45Finally.
24:46Come on.
24:47Okay, ready?
24:51This will be the one.
24:52This will be the one.
24:53This is it.
24:54Okay.
24:55Detour.
24:56All right.
24:57Break or dance.
24:58Break.
24:58Enter a room filled with 10,000 Mexican ceramics
25:00and smash them on the floor until you find one containing a clue.
25:03Dance.
25:04Put traditional clown makeup on each other,
25:05then learn a clowning dance from a demonstration.
25:07Once you successfully complete the dance to your judge's satisfaction,
25:10you will receive your next clue.
25:11Okay.
25:12Okay.
25:12I think we should do the pottery.
25:14What?
25:14I mean, that's simple.
25:15Something any idiot can do.
25:17Why are you gesturing at me?
25:18I'm not.
25:18I'm gesticulating.
25:19I'm Italian.
25:19You're not Italian.
25:21No.
25:21Mom, that'll take forever.
25:22We are already coming in last.
25:24Oh, we don't.
25:24We've got to make up time.
25:25If we get the clown dance on the first try, we can pass somebody.
25:28Well, we didn't get out on the first try.
25:29Why?
25:29Let's just try.
25:30We're just not.
25:31We're...
25:31Look, look, I'm not gonna put on clown makeup and do a silly little dance with you.
25:37I...
25:38I will look stupid.
25:41No, you're worried that I'm gonna look stupid.
25:43You think I'm gonna embarrass myself, don't you?
25:46Well, yes, I do.
25:47I do.
25:47I don't think you're gonna learn a clowning routine, and I don't think that you were a
25:50milkmaid in a past life, okay?
25:52A princess who chose to be a milkmaid.
25:56What about your leg?
25:57You cannot dance with that ankle.
25:59What are you talking about?
25:59I just got that steroid shot from the Mexican street doctor.
26:02My tits itch, but my ankle's feeling great.
26:05Do you want a chance at beating that girl?
26:07Yes.
26:08Do you?
26:08Yes.
26:08We're not gonna do it standing around smashing pottery for hours.
26:11Yeah, well, think about grandma's teapot.
26:13You were pretty good about breaking the...
26:14Shut up about grandma's teapot.
26:18Let's go.
26:25And Charlie.
26:26And Charlie.
26:27And Chaplin.
26:27And Chaplin.
26:28And Bonnie.
26:30You know how.
26:31Well, I don't know.
26:31Hold on a second.
26:32Gotta be a clown.
26:33Do you look...
26:33How's this?
26:36Finally.
26:36Took us like eight tries, y'all.
26:38It's hard.
26:39Good luck.
26:40Roll down a high.
26:42We're so fun and nice.
26:43Let's go.
26:43That was great.
26:44What?
26:45That was so fast.
26:46Come on.
26:47You.
26:48We'll take you.
26:48Just do it.
26:50Oh, God.
26:51This is...
26:52Uno, dos, tres.
26:54Un, da, ocho.
26:57Okay.
26:58We got the girl!
26:58We got the girl!
26:59Oh, that was so much fun.
27:00What?
27:01The judges were, like, getting emotional watching us.
27:03It was really sweet to see.
27:04Done?
27:05Oh, ready?
27:05Mom, we gotta go.
27:06We gotta go.
27:07We gotta go.
27:07We don't know the dance.
27:09We just have to try.
27:10We can do it one more time.
27:11Listen to me.
27:11We are in last place.
27:12I know that.
27:13If we could get this on the first try, we have a shot.
27:14Mom, look at me.
27:16Let me try.
27:16Please?
27:17Let's go!
27:18Go!
27:18Go!
27:27Sorry, I didn't throw it.
27:28I didn't throw it.
27:29That's my bad.
27:30That's my bad.
27:31Go again.
27:31Go again.
27:36It's the...
27:37I did the wrong foot.
27:38We're good.
27:39You got it?
27:39Yeah.
27:39You know where you went wrong?
27:40Yeah.
27:40Okay.
27:46I kicked it on four.
27:48I kicked it on four.
27:49She kicked it on four.
27:50That I saw.
27:50Start over.
27:51Start over.
27:52Go.
27:52Quick.
27:56Can I help?
27:57I've got it.
27:58I've got it.
28:00No!
28:02Yes!
28:07No!
28:09No!
28:10No!
28:10No!
28:10I really thought I got it that time.
28:11Oh shit.
28:11Oh shit!
28:11Fuck!
28:13Hop on!
28:14allergies.
28:15Come on, tell him.
28:21It's okay-
28:38What?! No! I really thought I got it that time!
28:41Felt good to me!
28:42What was it?
28:42Gebra and DJ?
28:44No! Phil! No! No! No! No! No! Not Phil! No! Phil! Come on!
28:47No! No! No! Oh, come on!
28:52Obviously, I'm here for a reason.
28:54I know it's been a hard couple of days, and, DJ, you've had your injury and been struggling
28:59with this clown challenge.
29:00I mean, a little bit.
29:02You've been here four hours.
29:03I know!
29:04And all the other teams have checked into the pit stop.
29:07Oh!
29:07Debra and DJ, I'm really sorry to tell you that you've been eliminated from the race.
29:15Ugh. We didn't do it. But you know what we didn't do, actually, Phil?
29:20No.
29:20We didn't quit.
29:21So you can hold your head high.
29:22Yeah.
29:22You gave it everything.
29:23Yeah.
29:24Yeah?
29:24Yeah.
29:25I know you're upset, but are you pleased you came on the Amazing Race?
29:28That's the best thing that I've ever done in my whole life. Honestly, Phil, this race,
29:33it challenges every single part of you. That's what I wanted. You know, I got to milk a goat.
29:38Yeah?
29:39I got to see two different cities in Mexico. But most of all, I got to spend more time
29:47with my mom than I have in years, and that's really all I wanted.
29:51You feel like you really bonded with your mom?
29:55Yeah. It was beautiful.
29:57You feel the same way, Debra?
29:59Yeah. Same.
30:03Um, Phil, can I ask a favor?
30:05I can't get you back on the race.
30:07No, no, no. I understand. We're eliminated. But if I could just take one more crack at
30:12this dance, I know I could nail it.
30:14Are you serious?
30:14I'm serious. We got so close this last time. I don't know if you were watching, but we
30:17got so close, didn't we?
30:19We did.
30:20Yeah.
30:20Absolutely. I mean, give it another shot.
30:24Actually, Mom, this one's for us. Okay?
30:29Okay, we can do this. We can do this.
30:31Okay.
30:31We can do this.
30:41Oh, fuck me! Fuck! Shit! Just forget it. Just fuck it. You know what? I don't even
30:46care. I never care. I don't care, Phil. Stop fucking filming me! It's done. It's over.
30:54Oh!
31:06Oh!
31:08Oh!
31:08Oh!
31:09Oh, my.
31:11Oh.
31:13They're just how I remember them.
31:15Good.
31:17I can feel her.
31:19I can feel Mommy in the pepper shaker.
31:21She's in there.
31:24Oh, thank you, Ava. Thank you so much. But how did you convince her?
31:30She doesn't know. Stole them.
31:34I don't know what Debra's going to do when she realizes you stole them.
31:37I don't want to know.
31:39Yeah.
31:41Physical, probably.
31:43You must really, really want those rights.
31:46Yeah. Yeah, I do.
31:50So, do we have a deal?
31:52Yes.
31:53Yes, you've earned them.
31:55I'll have my lawyer call Jimmy in the morning.
31:59Welcome home, guys.
32:13Aw.
32:15Aw.
32:17I remember boarding groups.
32:19Fun.
32:20They never let Aiden and me pre-board because they don't count MMA as military service.
32:26Fucking bullshit.
32:29I'm sorry we lost.
32:31It's my fault.
32:33If you had done the roadblocks, we would have won.
32:35No, you're kind of good at everything and super annoying.
32:39No, that's not true.
32:41I've never been good at failing and moving on.
32:48I'm proud of you.
32:50And you let things roll off your back.
32:52During this race, you just threw yourself into everything.
32:55You didn't even care how you looked.
32:56Oh, thanks so much, Mom.
32:58No, no, that's good.
33:00That's good.
33:04You're tougher than me.
33:06You are.
33:07I mean, I've always cared too much about what people think because I know how hard it is
33:14when people make fun of you or call you crazy like they're doing to me right now.
33:25I think that's why I tried to protect you from all that and why I didn't let you try trapeze
33:30or, you know, release your reggae album or...
33:34Go on QVC?
33:36Yes.
33:40I overcorrected.
33:42I didn't let you try enough.
33:44Because you could have handled it.
33:51You're right.
33:51You do care what the world thinks.
33:54But I've only ever cared what one person thinks.
33:58Who?
34:01Phil.
34:09I can't believe this.
34:11No, no, no, no, no.
34:11Tell me again.
34:12Tell me again.
34:13She really said, I can feel Mommy.
34:16Stop laughing.
34:17I feel really bad.
34:19She cried.
34:20This is the best.
34:23Oh, my God.
34:25Well, you are an idiot.
34:26You're an evil bitch.
34:28I've never felt closer to you.
34:31Well, let's just hope I make you proud and make a good show.
34:35So it's worth it.
34:36Even if you don't.
34:38Recently, I have warmed up to the value of falling flat on your face and embarrassing yourself.
34:43Okay.
34:44Maybe just say you're going to do great.
34:46You're going to do great.
34:47I know.
34:48And live in five, four, three, two.
34:54Welcome back, folks.
34:55Okay.
34:56I am thrilled because we have an amazing new designer here with us today.
35:02Please welcome Debra Junior Vance.
35:07Okay.
35:07How many times has your baby reached for your earrings and almost pulled your entire ear clean off your skull?
35:14So many.
35:15Well, it's never going to happen again.
35:16Thank God.
35:17Do you want to know why?
35:19Detachables.
35:20Oh, my God.
35:21Because they detach.
35:22Look at that.
35:23That's right.
35:24No more bloody lobes.
35:25Moms get it.
35:27Amazing.
35:28Wow.
35:28These are flying off the shelf.
35:30They are going fast.
35:31If you want your own DeJewelry, you better call in now.
35:34Oh.
35:35And I think we have a call right now.
35:37Oh.
35:39Because you are the best thing.
35:45You are the best thing.
35:49You are the best thing.
35:51You are the best thing.
35:53You are the best thing.
35:55You are the best thing.
35:55You're the best thing.
35:57Ever happened to me.
36:24You are the best thing.
36:29You are the best thing.
36:29You are the best thing
36:34You are the best thing
36:39You are the best thing
36:41Ever happened to me
36:47Both of us have no love before
36:53Come on, no promises like the strength
36:56Walk on out the door