- 2 days ago
Hacks. S05 - E02
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00:03I'm back! Back in New York!
00:08I'm back! Back in New York!
00:13Learn how to drive, you jabroni!
00:15I'll see you to the bottom of the fuckin' Hudson!
00:21It's so great to be back in New York.
00:22Yeah.
00:23Rex! Rex!
00:27Here I am, in this sick, with a fistful of doubts.
00:33And baby, you better believe I'm back! Back in New York!
00:40I'm back!
00:41We've come bearing gifts.
00:43Oh, wow, I see that.
00:44Hi, pretty!
00:49Oh, look at that. Look at that view.
00:52That's...gorgeous.
00:56You know I can't accept bribes.
00:58Bribes? I don't...
00:59See, bribes!
00:59Oh, no, this is...
01:00I just have a blood sugar.
01:01I want to buy some food.
01:02This is a gift.
01:06Uh...
01:06Well, I heard that you were understandably less than pleased
01:09that I announced I was doing a show at your esteemed venue
01:13before I had actually booked it,
01:15and I just wanted to come in person and apologize and say
01:17I cannot wait to work together.
01:19You're right.
01:19I was very pissed off.
01:21Because that is not how things work around here.
01:24No.
01:25I'm...I'm sorry.
01:26And if you would come to me, I would have told you
01:28that I don't think you're right for MSG.
01:30I think you're right for, uh, Radio City.
01:33I think you're right for Webster Hall.
01:35Ha!
01:36I know this bitch didn't just say Webster Hall!
01:38Oh, okay.
01:39I can tell you're a whole...deal.
01:42She is.
01:43But we do feel very strongly that the Garden is the best venue
01:45for someone of Deborah's stature.
01:47Okay.
01:48The talk show was great.
01:50But you don't have the comps.
01:52You haven't toured in years.
01:54You barely have any social media presence.
01:56It's just...it's too much of a gamble.
01:58I will sell out.
02:01And even if I don't, what does it matter to you?
02:02I mean, we will front the rental cost.
02:04You'll be off the hook.
02:05It's not just about the money.
02:06If you are playing MSG,
02:08you are the center of cultural conversation.
02:11I mean, our-our venue is a major part of New York City's history.
02:14We can't just let anyone perform here.
02:16I'm sorry, isn't there a live true crime podcast playing tonight?
02:19Murder My Stupid Ass Please has over 90 million monthly listeners.
02:23It is hosted by two of the most popular people in America.
02:26They swayed the presidential election.
02:29You know, I think you might be underestimating Deborah's fans
02:31because they are rabid.
02:32They abducted me once.
02:33I got free, but I didn't call the cops because they are so sweet.
02:38My point is, they're enthusiastic.
02:40And these tickets are gonna sell.
02:41I just don't see it.
02:43This won't be just a stand-up show.
02:44This will be historic.
02:46I'm taking down Bob Lipka and his censorship of me
02:49and speaking truth to power.
02:50This is bigger than just me.
02:52I'm sorry, Deborah.
02:54I'm so sorry.
02:56I-I-I should not have wasted your time
02:58with this petty gifting business.
03:02How do two shares of Berkshire Hathaway Class A stocks, huh?
03:05Thank you so much for coming by.
03:07Absolutely. Thanks.
03:09We'll leave these with your assistant.
03:09Thanks for your time.
03:12Have a nice day, I guess.
03:15That MSG Booker is dumb.
03:17And her leather jacket was stupid.
03:18No, it was a full grain leather and a sophisticated cup.
03:21Fine. She's rich, cool, and ruining our lives.
03:23Look, we just need to reignite the base.
03:26The Little Debbies would help me with anything.
03:28Do you remember in 93?
03:29They started that hunger strike so I could get reinstated
03:31the spokesperson for Snackwells?
03:33Or when they crashed the Eileen Fisher website
03:34the day your cashmere duster's dropped?
03:36Yep, exactly.
03:37What about that autograph convention in Vegas you passed off?
03:39The Little Debbies will love that.
03:40You're a genius!
03:42All right, we get my biggest fans together in one place,
03:44I shower them with love and affection,
03:46and then we ask them to organize a grassroots movement
03:49to get me Madison Square Garden!
03:51Yes.
03:51When is it?
03:52Three weeks, the 21st.
03:53That's Ava's birthday.
03:55It's fine.
03:55Are there any other options?
03:56No.
03:57No, no, no. Honestly, I don't care about my birthday.
03:58I really don't.
04:01You have to at least take the day off.
04:03And hang out with who?
04:05I only have one friend, remember?
04:06What are you talking about?
04:09Remember the last night in Singapore?
04:10You said it was weird you were my only friend?
04:13You probably don't remember.
04:14You're pretty drunk, girl.
04:16It's fine.
04:17Don't worry, I didn't survive growing up in Massachusetts
04:19by letting a drunk person's insults affect me.
04:22Seriously, you should do it.
04:23So should I book it or...?
04:25Yeah.
04:26Yeah.
04:27Here, Jimmy, get the shot.
04:32Perfect.
04:34What?
04:34That's what we've been waiting for?
04:36Yeah.
04:36For content.
04:37God!
04:38She wanted content.
04:40I'm looking for my baby.
04:43Been searching for a long, long time.
04:47I got to find my baby.
04:50Got to get this feeling off my mind.
04:54You need to hurt us all about...
04:57Good morning.
04:58My favorite ladies and Damien.
05:00So we've talked to the organizers, slipped them a hundo, and guess what?
05:03They moved Heather Locklear to the other side of the building.
05:05Good.
05:06She stole my exact shade of blonde in 98.
05:08And look, I know you want to be out by three, so I'm going to talk to Billy Baldwin and
05:11see if he'll give you his time slot in the photo studio.
05:13Perfect, yeah. I don't want to be here too late. Okay. I'm going to head to the table.
05:16All right. See you over there.
05:18And you.
05:20Happy birthday, birthday girl.
05:22Oh!
05:22Tickling you.
05:23Oh, thanks.
05:24I know we normally get you a gift, but we are a little low on funds this year. I'm sorry
05:26about that.
05:27Don't even worry about it.
05:28Oh, my God. I finished your mall girl script last night. Ava.
05:30Mm-hmm.
05:31It is so good.
05:33Oh.
05:33Yeah, I laughed. I cried. It's like, it's emotional and cinematic. It's really special, and I can't wait to send
05:38it around.
05:38Oh, my God. Amazing. Thank you. I'm proud of you.
05:40Oh.
05:42Coffee birthday girl?
05:44Wow, this is a really fancy tray.
05:46Had it custom-made. Heaters built-in, USB charging, patent pending.
05:51You're a really good assistant.
05:53You know, in Hollywood, it's not about good or bad. It's about power. Nice watch.
06:02Can I get your autograph?
06:03Oh, honey, I would love to sign this, but I can't legally.
06:07I love you guys.
06:08Hi.
06:09Hi.
06:12There they are. They're probably filming at the mouth.
06:15Hey, my little Debbies!
06:22Hi.
06:26Hello.
06:28Oh, wow. The DV industry Swiss army knife. It's got it all.
06:32It's got the tweezers. It's got the brow spoolie.
06:35I mean, come on. Who could ask for more than that?
06:38Very rare item.
06:39Actually, it's widely available on the internet.
06:41Which you'd know if you were still active on the DV message boards.
06:44Um, how would you like me to...
06:46Just your name, please.
06:47Okay.
06:53It's great to see you.
06:56Hey. How's it going?
06:58Oddly icy.
06:59Well, I just met the actor who gave Dawson a blowjob on the boat in season 3, so I'm feeling
07:03starstruck and amazing.
07:05One autograph.
07:06Hi there. Hi.
07:08Hi.
07:09Oh, hey.
07:09Sorry. Uh, I think the line starts back there.
07:12Oh, no. I'm actually here for you. I am a huge fan.
07:16Of me?
07:17Yeah. I was obsessed with Girl Town, and you always wrote the best episodes.
07:22Oh, my God. I left college for that job.
07:24I know. And then I followed you on Twitter. Even now, I'll just randomly look up your old tweets sometimes.
07:30Oh, no. Don't do that.
07:32Anyway, then I saw my bad because I heard that you'd worked on it.
07:37Yeah.
07:37I'd never even seen Deborah before. I mean, it's kind of crazy how you've changed the whole trajectory of her
07:43career.
07:44She's mad lucky to have you.
07:46I wish you said that a little louder, but thank you.
07:49Will you sign your Times Magazine cover?
07:52I...
07:53Yes. I... I've never... never signed anything for anyone before.
07:57Wow. This is amazing. I really now understand why parasocial relationships are replacing real ones.
08:04But seriously, thank you for all that you contribute to society.
08:09Anytime.
08:14I'll catch you around.
08:15Yeah. I'll be around all day.
08:17Cooley.
08:18Cooley.
08:20Cooley.
08:21I can't tell you. Sorry. Hey.
08:23Please. It's on me. Thank you. Thanks. Thanks for coming.
08:27Take care.
08:27Oh, Ezekiel. Nice to see a familiar face. What can I sign for you?
08:31I've actually signed something for you.
08:33It's my resignation letter as president of the Debra Vance fan club Southwest Branch.
08:37Is he you? You... you've been a pillar of the Little Debbie community for years.
08:41I heard that Kathy Griffin is looking for an infusion into her base, so I am taking my talents elsewhere.
08:46Okay. Okay. What... what is going on? What is the problem?
08:50The problem is that you went Hollywood.
08:54I did not go Hollywood.
08:56Yes, you did. You haven't sent out Debra's do's and don'ts in almost two years.
08:59I don't know what to do or what not to do. Sometimes I just sit in the dark.
09:03Yeah.
09:04You discontinued your car insurance plan. And now I'm uninsured.
09:09Oh, honey. You gotta have insurance.
09:11And you discontinued the Debra Vance red light mask. I liked the burns. It eventually turned to tan.
09:16Yeah.
09:17You won't have me. You're a lizard.
09:21Hey! Get into a single file line or you will be tased. Do not fuck with me.
09:30You should address the lizard thing to gaining traction.
09:35Who's next?
09:36And you really don't mind switching with Debra?
09:38Oh, no, no, no. Not at all. That ranch you did against Lipka? Gold. Legend. Guy's a friggin' animal.
09:44Tell me about it.
09:45Plus, she always invites me to her Fourth of July party. I never go, but, uh, the invite's always nice.
09:50Well, you're gonna be on the list forever, man. We appreciate you.
09:53Never too big, Jimmy. Never too big.
09:55My man. All right.
09:57Okay. Now, that's a guy I could be friends with. I love him.
10:00Exactly what I like to hear from you, boss, because I do not want to see you fall prey to
10:04the male loneliness epidemic.
10:05No.
10:06I know. It's terrible, man. Uncle Maury shot himself in the head.
10:09It's Renee O'Connor.
10:10Of course.
10:11Who's that?
10:12From Xena Warrior Princess, the show. The show on the WB.
10:15Oh, TV show.
10:16Yeah.
10:16I haven't made it to TV yet. I'm still making it through all the movies. She's Xena.
10:21No, that's Gabrielle. That's Xena's battle partner, her confidant. She's a traveling bard.
10:25Well, you gotta go say hi.
10:26Hell no. I would be so nervous. I would faint. No, I couldn't. I mean, I've seen every episode multiple
10:31times.
10:31I even still have a recurring dream that I'm helping Xena save Prometheus so that humans don't lose their capacity
10:36for healing and fire.
10:37Jimmy, you're meeting her. You'll regret it if you don't. Come on.
10:40You think?
10:40I know so.
10:42Okay. Okay. God, I wish I had a beta blocker. All right, let's go.
10:45Woo!
10:47So, are you working on anything else other than writing for Deborah?
10:50Yeah.
10:51Yeah, I actually just wrote a movie about a girl who lives at the mall.
10:53Oh, such a good idea. Got my tickets. I am so-ro-sat.
10:58You are so sweet.
10:59Shit, wait. This is just occurring to me. Are you gonna have to leave Deborah?
11:03No, no. I mean, especially not after what she did for me at late night.
11:07Hmm. So, what's your, like, dream?
11:13You know, I've always wanted to create my own show.
11:16Oh.
11:16I was voted, uh, most likely to show run my high school yearbook.
11:20I mean, I did create the superlative, but still.
11:22I really hope this isn't weird that I know this, but, um, it's your birthday today, right?
11:27Yeah.
11:28Yes, it is.
11:29And you're turning 30, right?
11:32Yeah.
11:33Poof. Pretty big milestone.
11:35Are you, like, freaking out about where you're at in your life?
11:38No, not, I mean, no, not really. I don't think. Should I? No. No, I'm not.
11:44Well, I'd love to get you something for your birthday, like a cupcake or...
11:48You don't have to.
11:49But if they have chocolate cake, I'd take chocolate icing.
11:52Or if they have vanilla cake, I still would want chocolate icing.
11:55But if funfetti's in the mix, of course, I'd have...
11:57They just have corn muffins.
11:58Perfect. It's your day.
12:02Why are you performing only at Madison Square Con?
12:04I didn't end up course with New Hampshire.
12:05I mean, we're important, too. We built a revolutionary war fleet.
12:09And we so appreciate that.
12:11You stopped doing your annual Christmas conference call.
12:13Now, how are we supposed to sync up on microthing?
12:16You never published another book of debokus, and the regular sudokus are just too hard.
12:21I'm mad you left QVC, and I'm mad you didn't leave QVC earlier.
12:26Work it out.
12:27I miss Marcus. Damien never sends us locks of your hair.
12:32You didn't endorse a candidate in the presidential election, so I didn't vote.
12:37And now my kids won't talk to me.
12:39I sent you two suspicious packages and didn't even receive a cease and desist letter.
12:43You used to care.
12:44Okay, that's it. I need a break.
12:46Ten-minute break.
12:49These people are impossible to please.
12:52I mean, my fans seem to think I owe them every single moment of my life.
12:55Think of it this way. Today, you are being paid to be LDAP.
12:58For some people, that's a kink.
13:03Oh yeah, this is classic Abby, yeah.
13:05Oh, she looks the exact same.
13:07Did you know it was actually the fans that saw Xena as a guest character on Hercules?
13:10And they were so enthusiastic that they actually helped get the spin-off series made.
13:14Grassroots movements are always so inspiring.
13:17That is, until they turn bloodthirsty.
13:19Next!
13:20Here we go. Here we go.
13:21We paid?
13:22Hi. I'm Renee.
13:24I'm Renee. I'm your Renee.
13:24No, I'm Renee.
13:25You're Renee.
13:26I'm Renee.
13:26I'm Jimmy.
13:27You're Jimmy.
13:27I am so starstruck.
13:29I'm so sorry.
13:29This is weird, because, um...
13:31So, okay, I'm a manager in LA, so I never get starstruck, but I think that you are such
13:35a talent, and the series meant so much to me.
13:38I was so lucky to be a part of that world.
13:39Have you ever thought about doing a rewatch podcast?
13:41You know, they're really big right now, where you go through old episodes and discuss them.
13:44I don't think enough people want to hear me talk about that.
13:46Girl, shut up!
13:47Are you kidding?
13:48We love the show.
13:49We've watched it all.
13:50People would love that content.
13:51Like, the Hope storyline, you know?
13:53When did you realize your daughter was gonna be evil?
13:55Was it from the beginning, or did it slowly dawn on you?
13:57Well, her father was a wicked demigod, so it kind of tipped it off for me.
14:00Right.
14:01Mysteriously impregnated at a demon ritual?
14:03I was like, that's gonna come back.
14:04Yeah, it did.
14:04Yeah.
14:05Do you mind if we get a photo?
14:07Of course.
14:08I'm sorry.
14:08I'm sweating.
14:09Okay.
14:11Ah!
14:12Smile big!
14:14Bigger!
14:15Ah!
14:16Cuties!
14:16Not that big, not that big.
14:17Split the difference, split the difference.
14:18Yeah, you should just start over and get all new fans.
14:21I mean, there are people born every day, right?
14:22I gotta tell you, I mean, as someone who just got their first fan, you really need to cherish
14:26these months.
14:26It's been 12 minutes and I said 10.
14:28Oh!
14:29Okay, hey, just try to keep it together.
14:31Right?
14:32No promises.
14:36Hello.
14:37How can I do better for you?
14:39Oh, no.
14:39I just wanted to say thank you.
14:42Oh.
14:44You're welcome.
14:45For what?
14:45Well, my mom and I have been, like, huge fans of yours ever since Live Free or Diet.
14:51Wow.
14:51And we came to Vegas and we saw you at the Palmetto.
14:54And then we were, like, literally quoting you jokes for 10 hours the entire car ride home.
15:00It was, like, the best weekend.
15:02I'm so glad.
15:04Anyway, we made you something to say thank you.
15:10It's you, Barry, and Kara.
15:13Wow.
15:15And we made this completely out of natural seeds and grains.
15:1829 types.
15:20Whew!
15:20We were sorting yellow peas for an entire winter just to nail your light honey blonde.
15:26It's gotten a little warped because we made it three years ago, but you haven't been to any of these
15:30so we couldn't get it to you.
15:32But here you go.
15:36That's beautiful.
15:38That's beautiful.
15:40Is your mom here so I can thank her?
15:42Oh, no.
15:44She passed.
15:46In May.
15:48I'm so sorry, honey.
15:51She would be so happy that I was finally able to get this to you.
15:54She really loved you.
16:08I...
16:09I need a minute.
16:12It's okay.
16:13Damien, it's okay.
16:18Oh.
16:19Oh.
16:31Oh, yeah.
16:33Been there.
16:33It's Carper Tunnel.
16:35You need one of these.
16:36No.
16:37It's not that.
16:39It's...
16:39It's...
16:40Ah.
16:42Fan art's so ugly, it moves you to tears.
16:45Something like that.
16:47I once had a guy paint a portrait of me using a stamp pad and his anus.
16:52It's framed in my bathroom.
16:54No.
16:54No.
16:55It's not that it's ugly.
16:56I mean...
16:58It is.
16:59It's just that this...
17:00This woman and her mother spent months of their lives making this.
17:06Oh, yeah.
17:08But so what?
17:09They love doing it.
17:11They support us.
17:12We show up for them.
17:14That's the frickin' deal, Mama.
17:16Well, that's the thing.
17:17I haven't been showing up for them.
17:20And...
17:21They're very mad at me for it.
17:23They'll forgive you.
17:26I don't deserve it.
17:28I just came here to exploit them because I need their help.
17:34Well...
17:34Just tell them what you need.
17:37They want to feel like they're in a relationship with you and that you need them more than anyone else.
17:42And it sounds like you might.
17:44The truth will set you free, baby doll.
17:48That's all they want.
17:54That and a t-shirt that only some people are allowed to get.
18:14Little Debbie's.
18:18I have news.
18:20Madison Square Garden won't give me a date.
18:22Because they say I'm not big enough to play it.
18:25So I came here to get you to rally for me.
18:31Which is unfair.
18:35Because you're right.
18:37I have neglected you.
18:41And I am so sorry.
18:43Hold on.
18:45They're saying you're not big enough to play MSG.
18:47Fuck that.
18:48The Garden would be lucky to have you.
18:51Yeah.
18:52Well, in time I hope that I can regain your trust.
18:55They don't get to tell you what you can and can't do.
18:58That's our job.
18:59You're the greatest comedian of all time.
19:02Yes!
19:02So the Knicks can play MSG but not Deborah Vance?
19:07Misogynistic bullshit.
19:08I don't care if you are a lizard.
19:10You deserve to play MSG.
19:13As president of the Little Debbie's Tucson chapter, this will not stand.
19:17Wait, sorry.
19:18Sorry.
19:19I thought you were my fan.
19:21What are you talking about?
19:21That's Cindy.
19:22She's the third generation Little Debbie.
19:24That's right.
19:25I'm here for Deborah.
19:26I just wanted to replace you and write for her, you stupid bitch.
19:30Oh my God.
19:33So you didn't like any of my tweets?
19:34They're not jokes.
19:35They're thought poems.
19:37Okay.
19:38Deborah, who do we talk to about this?
19:41Amanda Weinberg at msg-entertainment.com, 1 Madison Square Garden Plaza, Suite 3H.
19:51Deborah, we will get you that motherfucking venue.
19:54That's a promise.
19:55You know what?
19:56If you can do that, I'm making the tickets $20 so you all can come.
20:01And you know what?
20:02I'm bringing back Deborah Plus.
20:04And you know what else?
20:06This year's Christmas theme is fuchsia and cherry, the 1997 Redux!
20:18It's good, actually.
20:19I didn't think it would be, but the macchiato.
20:21It made me sick.
20:21What?
20:22Jimmy.
20:22The macchiato is really good for me.
20:24Oh, Renee.
20:25Hey.
20:25You know, I want to thank you for your advice.
20:28I reached out to Lucy and she loves the Xena Rewatch podcast idea.
20:32Lucy Lawless knows my idea?
20:33Yeah.
20:34Well, you know, it's really nice to talk about business with someone who is familiar with
20:37my work.
20:38I never had a rep pitch me any ideas, much less actually watch the whole show.
20:42What?
20:43People are insane.
20:44People are sick.
20:44People are sick.
20:45I don't get it.
20:45Sick people.
20:46Piece of shit.
20:47I'm sure your roster is crowded, but would you ever consider representing me?
20:53Us?
20:54Absolutely.
20:55All right.
20:55Well then, I mean, I probably should give you 10% of what I made today.
21:00No, no, no.
21:00That's not necessary, but thank you.
21:02Are you okay with hundreds?
21:04Yes.
21:05Love them.
21:05We are.
21:06I will take those.
21:07Wow.
21:08We can use the money.
21:09Okay.
21:09Well, this was amazing.
21:10Consider yourself a client of Schaefer and Lussac.
21:12Yeah.
21:12Let me put you on an email with Lucy and I next week.
21:15When you're back in LA, we'll take you to dinner.
21:16You like Greek?
21:17I love Greek.
21:18I don't need octopus though.
21:19Anymore.
21:20They're too intelligent.
21:21That's right.
21:26Eric Estrada looked amazing.
21:29Come on!
21:30Oh!
21:31Oh!
21:31Oh!
21:32Oh my God!
21:32Oh my God!
21:35What?
21:36Surprise!
21:37This is crazy!
21:39We love you, girl.
21:42Aw.
21:43Happy birthday, love.
21:46Happy birthday, honey.
21:48Look who's here.
21:50Oh, wow.
21:51Hi.
21:51Hi.
21:52Penny Regan.
21:53It's me.
21:53Yup.
21:54Hey, how are ya?
21:55Nice to see ya.
21:56Hi.
21:57It's so nice to see you.
21:58It's been forever.
21:59Eighth grade graduation.
22:00How could I forget?
22:01Yeah, when Deborah called, I told her how inseparable you two were and how it would mean
22:05the world to you to be together on your 30th.
22:07So here we all are.
22:09Absolutely.
22:09Yup.
22:10Yup.
22:10How are you?
22:11Amazing.
22:12Yeah.
22:13I married Greg Holland.
22:15Remember him?
22:16Um...
22:17He ran through a glass door.
22:19His cousin drowned in the quarry.
22:20Oh, yes, Greg.
22:21He used to put girls in his hockey bag.
22:22Him.
22:23Anyway, we have four kids under six.
22:25Whoa!
22:25Yup.
22:25Whoa!
22:26All natural.
22:27Good for you.
22:28Anyway, needless to say, I am thrilled to be here.
22:30Yeah, I bet.
22:31I should tell you, Mr. Mercer just died.
22:33Oh, that's so sad.
22:34No, it's not.
22:35He was a pedophile.
22:36Convicted.
22:36Multiple times over.
22:39Let's party!
22:40Come on!
22:44Oh, my God!
22:46And we got just a few of your favorite things.
22:50The entire Jack and Box menu, a cranberry kombucha.
22:54Oh, yes.
22:54Cupcakes from a queer bakery.
22:56And of course...
22:57Oh, my God!
22:58Bertucci's rolls and Pompocino pop-em-outs!
23:01I had them flown in this morning.
23:02I missed these rolls.
23:08The spray cleans the screen while the brush wipes the crumbs from the keyboard.
23:13Thank you so much.
23:15Please use it.
23:16I will.
23:16Sorry.
23:17Ladies and gentlemen, we have one last surprise.
23:21Please give a warm welcome to Jesse McCartney.
23:27Yes, bitch!
23:31This one goes out to the most special girl in the world.
23:34You know who you are?
23:35It's me.
23:37Happy birthday.
23:37I've heard about this in my middle school journals.
23:39Yes, it's coming true.
23:41I know!
23:42I-I read your journals!
23:43That-that's why-that's why he's here!
23:47I don't want another pretty face.
23:50I don't want just anyone to hold.
23:53I don't want my love to go to waste.
23:55I want you and your beautiful soul, yeah.
24:04I know that you are something special.
24:09And to you, I'd be always faithful.
24:15And I want to be what you always needed.
24:20Then I hope you see the heart in me.
24:24I don't want another pretty face.
24:27I don't want just anyone to hold.
24:30I don't want my love to go to waste.
24:32I want you and your beautiful soul.
24:38Okay, I'm sleeping in late tomorrow.
24:40You can bowl your own cantaloupe.
24:43Goodnight.
24:44Night.
24:44Well, you know what?
24:45I-I-I'm gonna say goodnight now, too.
24:47I have a-a 4.15 a.m. flight to Papeete
24:49to see my boyfriend in the senior world windsurfing competition.
24:52I'm sorry, you have a boyfriend?
24:54Well, I emailed you about him.
24:55I emailed her.
24:56Uh, no, I don't think you did.
24:58Well, I'm seeing someone, Ava,
24:59and it's become physical, the first since your father.
25:02Well, depends what you count.
25:04Oh, God.
25:05Uh, well, I love you.
25:07Okay.
25:08Good night.
25:09Night.
25:10Bye.
25:10Awesome.
25:13Wow.
25:14Oh, my God.
25:15That was a successful party.
25:17Yeah.
25:18It's so many friends who showed up for you.
25:21And that Jenny, you know, the one who drank vodka
25:24out of one of my really nice, uh, wine glasses?
25:27Yes.
25:27Jenny Regan, the girl I only befriended
25:30so that I could play with her hermit crabs,
25:31and then she stopped being my friend when she got her period before me.
25:36Oh.
25:37Friend's a friend.
25:38Yeah.
25:39And you got a lot of them here.
25:46Deborah, did you only throw me at this party
25:47because you feel bad about what you sent on the boat in Singapore?
25:50No.
25:52I mean, it's your birthday.
25:54You deserve a party.
25:55A birthday party.
25:56Wow.
25:57You ever heard one of those?
25:58Guilt looks good on you.
26:00Deborah, you don't have to feel guilty about that.
26:03You're not wrong.
26:06You are my only friend.
26:09What hurt me was that you said it was weird
26:11because I don't think it is.
26:15You know, I think you're the reason that I
26:18haven't been there for the Little Debbies.
26:21You know, I used to spend so much time with my fans,
26:23but it wasn't for them.
26:26It was for me.
26:28I mean, they were my friends.
26:32Because I never really had any.
26:35Yes, you did.
26:36You had friends.
26:37You've always had friends.
26:38You have tons of friends.
26:39You know, I was popular.
26:43I never had a best friend.
26:49Well, I mean, you know, my sister, you know,
26:53we know how that went.
26:55So I just relied more and more on the Little Debbies,
26:58and it was as much for me as it was for them.
27:04But then I met you.
27:09And I didn't need them so much anymore.
27:12Well, it makes sense.
27:15I'm your number one fan.
27:19Hey!
27:20Oh, oh, oh.
27:21Oh, you've got 50 minutes left on your birthday.
27:23What do you want to do?
27:26Hmm.
27:28Oh!
27:33That's my new phone background.
27:34Ooh!
27:35Someone's smoking the Cheech.
27:37Hey, you!
27:38You're still here.
27:39Oh, yeah.
27:41I just fucked Jesse McCartney.
27:43What?
27:44Yeah!
27:45You cheated on Greg?
27:46Okay, you don't know our arrangement.
27:48Wow, okay.
27:49Are you open?
27:50No.
27:51Hey, you mind if I, uh, rinse off in your swimming pool?
27:54I don't like a UTI.
27:55Sure.
27:56Wonderful.
27:59Wow, a lot of salt and pepper shakers.
28:00You think you got enough?
28:03Sorry about that.
28:04Oh, here.
28:05Try this.
28:08What is it?
28:09It's my pumpkin yogurt bread batter.
28:11I want to include a fat-free recipe in my newsletter tomorrow.
28:14Mmm.
28:15Because my little Debbies are going to need all the energy they can get.
28:20Absolutely.
28:21I was going to say get out of my head because when he, when he took me all set.
28:30Okay, these remains were never recovered from that creek.
28:33Atticus!
28:35Put your shoes on, honey.
28:36We're late.
28:36This episode of Murder My Stupid Ass, please, is sponsored by Dev for MSG.
28:39Go to change.org today and add your name to the petition.
28:42Amanda.
28:42Amanda.
28:51Oh, good.
28:52This is all for you.
28:53What?
28:56Oh, my God.
28:57They found my home address.
28:59Oh, my God.
28:59No, I, I, I don't want anything to do with this.
29:01Return to sender.
29:03Except for the old Navy.
29:05I got three other bands.
29:07I am being sucked and harassed.
29:09Return to sender.
29:09Gracias!
29:20Hello?
29:23Who's there?
29:27They're kids!
29:28Yeah, they're there!
29:31Out of my way!
29:32Out of my way!
29:34Go, go, go, go, go!
29:35Then.
29:37I understand many of you have been waiting for me to speak on this, so hear me now.
29:43I. Am. Not. A. Lizard.
29:46And I know that is something a lizard would say.
29:49However...
29:50That was really, really believable, though.
29:51Yeah? Thanks.
29:53Loved it. Hello?
29:54The harassment has got to stop.
29:57Still don't think it's a good idea,
29:59but I'm giving you a date at the garden.
30:01Oh, okay. Wow. That's fantastic.
30:04What? Yeah, great. Thanks, Amanda.
30:07We'll talk real soon.
30:11We're going to MSG. Yes!
30:14One!
30:15September 11th.
30:17Not 11. It was the only date available.
30:19Great!
30:20Ah! Here we go!
30:22Ow! That hurt!
30:24God, it's like high-fiving the hole!
30:26You're set!
30:31Look your heart and now you go
30:34Misused the love I did to own
30:37I never thought I'd say today
30:41You'd get your cold and walk away
30:46Come back home
30:48Darling, please
30:50Come back home
30:52Girl, I know I treated you wrong
30:56But, baby, please
30:57Come back home
31:22I can't stand it
31:25I just can't stand it
31:27Come back home
31:29Oh, please
31:30Ooh, please
31:31You, you, you, you...
31:34Come back home
31:36Babe, please
31:37Oh, baby
31:39Baby, please
31:41Come back home
31:43Girl, I never treated you no one
31:47Please
31:48Come back home
31:50We'll see you next time.
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