- 23 hours ago
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00:06How does something that smells so bad taste so good?
00:09It's like having a child with me.
00:10A child with a gun?
00:12Yeah.
00:18Oh, come on!
00:19On Monday?
00:30God.
00:31All right, calm down.
00:34Really?
00:36Yeah?
00:38You probably don't remember me, do you?
00:44Stephangendrian.
00:44Lindsay.
00:45Lindsay, right!
00:47Oh, my God!
00:48How are you, girl?
00:49You're such an a**hole.
00:51You didn't even call after we went out.
00:52I'm pretty sure I called you.
00:53No, you texted.
00:55I texted.
00:56That's the same thing.
00:56That is not the same thing, you douche!
00:59It's not the same thing.
01:00Do you even remember what we did that night?
01:02Well, whatever it was, you don't want to say it in front of this prude.
01:04You took me to Santa Anita to watch the horse race.
01:08Oh, that's not so bad.
01:08I didn't want to go.
01:09I just pretended I wanted to go because you wanted to go.
01:12Sounds like you're mad at yourself.
01:14You had to sit in the front row and it smelled like s**t.
01:17Hey, I don't control horses, Lainey.
01:20Lindsay!
01:21Fine.
01:23Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you.
01:25You're obviously very upset about that.
01:27And I'm sorry you don't like horses.
01:30But why don't we get you back to the station.
01:32We'll wash you up.
01:33Probably wash out that mouth of yours and get this all taken care of.
01:39Really?
01:39You guys are all the same.
01:41There is no way that I am getting in a car with you.
01:44You've got to be freaking kidding me.
01:45Okay.
01:46Let's go.
01:47Oh, so you ask me once and that's it?
01:49Way to have perseverance.
01:50You're a real man.
01:52That's like my life on a daily basis.
01:54I can't hold you.
01:55Yes!
02:02You are like the worst cop ever!
02:05Didn't anybody ever train you?
02:07Seriously!
02:08I'm going to shoot her if you don't.
02:09No, I got this.
02:10Something's going to get you fired!
02:13One year ago,
02:14vampires, werewolves, and zombies
02:16descended upon California's San Fernando Valley.
02:19Authorities remain battled by their origins.
02:21Origins.
02:42Evening.
02:43I want to give a warm welcome to Officer Pierce,
02:45who's back with us after a thankfully short stay in the hospital.
02:49And I want to give a fond farewell to Rodney,
02:51our former sound man who bit it in a doughnut shop Friday night
02:54because he was not paying attention.
02:57Didn't know Rodney well.
02:58What I could tell, he was obviously a natural blonde
03:00who smelled like apricots.
03:02Didn't deserve to die that way.
03:03On that note, let's say hello to our new sound man, Roger.
03:07Uh, Jamie, actually.
03:09But, uh, is this thing on?
03:11Sound joke.
03:12I'm really excited to be here, you guys.
03:13Kind of an outdoor guy. I love snowboarding.
03:15If you can't find me, I am definitely on the slopes.
03:17Last order of business.
03:19Yes, UTF is launching a monster awareness campaign.
03:22You will see these posters around the valley.
03:25Help us help you.
03:27Don't be a sucker.
03:30Finally, and I think the most important,
03:33partners provide protection.
03:36Is that supposed to be gay?
03:40Excuse me?
03:40She's right, sir. It does look kind of gay.
03:42It's not gay.
03:43It's not not gay.
03:44Yeah, well, I'm married, so obviously it's not gay.
03:47Guys, gay, straight, Filipino lady boy.
03:50It's all just labels anyway, right?
03:52We're all God's children.
03:53Lights go down.
03:54All feels the same.
03:56Finally, let's get out there and kill something.
04:01Oh, yeah.
04:04Oh, dude.
04:17Oh, my gosh.
04:19Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
04:20Officer Landry.
04:21Uh, yes, Captain.
04:23You want a little jazzercise, a step class, something like that?
04:26Oh, no.
04:28Actually, it's a pretty brutal workout.
04:31My dad used to be in the military.
04:32Miss Contreras, I'm a debt of gratitude.
04:34Let me ask you something.
04:35You ready for a little action tonight?
04:37Oh, for sure.
04:39I'm more than ready.
04:40Take those clothes off and get ready for the ride of your life.
04:45That was misleading.
04:47Put your uniform on, Officer Landry.
04:50I'm taking you out on the beat.
04:51Okay.
04:52I'll get ready.
04:58Hey!
05:03Okay, Princess, you're done here.
05:05It's your lucky day.
05:06You caught the captain in a good mood.
05:08Well, if you need to make a call, you can use my phone or the phone on the booking desk.
05:12I don't need to call anyone.
05:17I don't have anyone to call.
05:18You don't want anybody to come get you.
05:19I got Mateo killed.
05:20Okay?
05:21No one's coming to get me.
05:23I guess we're driving you home.
05:25What?
05:25Anybody need to use the can?
05:27No.
05:28Hmm.
05:28Well, I do.
05:28So, hang on for a minute.
05:38Look at me like that.
05:44What was that call about?
05:46Uh, some teens are beating up a slow walker.
05:48A zombie?
05:49No.
05:50Just an unusually slow guy.
05:51The man just asked a question.
05:53Yes, a zombie.
05:54When they've been around too long, they do that drunk shuffle.
05:57Yo, that's it right there.
06:12Alright, you guys got nothing better to do tonight than beat up some poor zombie?
06:15We were just helping out the cops like it says on the posters.
06:20Listen up, bitches.
06:21The next time you see a zombie, you call us, alright?
06:24You just don't go beating on it with a baseball bat.
06:26You take care of it the proper way.
06:28Uh, John John.
06:29What?
06:32Oh!
06:33John John!
06:34Huh?
06:37Oh!
06:40Now that's what I'm talking about.
06:41Go home.
06:43Now.
06:45Can you see that?
06:46I should play professional baseball.
06:54See, I got no problem with the zombies.
06:56They're kind of like a cross between a horse and a horse and a horse.
06:58Yeah, hobo and poo.
07:00The vamps.
07:01The vamps I hate.
07:02They run drugs.
07:03They launder money.
07:04They're heavy into the sex for blood trade.
07:06They're kind of like the douchebags of the monster community, if you will.
07:09What about werewolves?
07:11Sad situation, Kristen.
07:12Kirsten.
07:13Kirsten.
07:14Sad situation.
07:16My old partner was a werewolf.
07:18You're kidding.
07:19About a year ago, he was out taking his dog for a squat.
07:21Werewolf attacked them both.
07:23Killed the dog.
07:23Turned my partner.
07:24Turned him into a werewolf.
07:25That is correct.
07:26And now he's got to lock himself up every full moon so he doesn't hurt anybody.
07:30Jeez.
07:31Talked to his wife.
07:32Last full moon, she had her first orgasm.
07:35Uh, oh.
07:36Call units.
07:37Call for unknown creature trapped in the attic.
07:39Cold Border Canyon near Greenleaf.
07:40Uh, isn't that right near us?
07:42Yeah, Kristen.
07:43It is.
07:44Let's rock and roll.
07:51You know, Sophia, I gotta tell ya.
07:53I don't like what's going on with you.
07:54I mean, I got two daughters.
07:55Here.
07:58Check it out.
08:01There's Lucille.
08:02She's five.
08:03And then Tessa, the little one.
08:05She just turned three.
08:06I mean, do your parents even know what's going on with you?
08:09Ha!
08:09Quiet, Billy.
08:12My brother knows.
08:13Oh, you told him?
08:14His friends did.
08:15I used to date his best friend, Rico.
08:18Is he the one that got you into this?
08:20You know, you can just drop me off right here.
08:22No, Sophia, we're gonna take you home.
08:24Where's home?
08:27Where's your home, Sophia?
08:29Billy, that's enough.
08:30Where do you live?
08:32Anywhere.
08:33Sophia, where's your home?
08:36Nowhere.
08:40Look, I'm trying to do you a favor here.
08:42You get caught on blood for sex again, it's a mandatory 30-day sentence.
08:45And you will get caught, little girl, because we got cameras at that motel now.
08:48What the hell, Billy?
08:50Or maybe we don't.
08:52Listen, Sophia, you have a chance to turn your life around.
08:55How?
08:55I'm a f***ing vampire.
08:57What don't you understand about that?
08:59Listen, the way you're going, you're gonna end up in jail.
09:02Or worse.
09:03I guarantee it.
09:04So you might as well give it a shot.
09:06Why not?
09:09Okay.
09:10I'll try.
09:11You're just gonna try?
09:13You mean it?
09:19Yes.
09:22Yes, I'll try.
09:23Alright.
09:25Cool.
09:26I think she likes you.
09:28Really?
09:32Wow.
09:33I am hungry.
09:35Let's go get a slice of pizza.
09:36Yeah, in a minute.
09:37I want to see where she's going.
09:39Uh, we got a big fat weenie in the car.
09:42Are you joking?
09:48You guys stay close, alright?
09:54Carla.
09:59What the f***?
10:00Come on, man.
10:02I know y'all think this is fun and games, but one of you, Meet the Falkers is going to
10:05get hurt.
10:06Meet the Falkers?
10:07TV crew says I curse too much.
10:09Yeah, I'm just not sure how much we can believe, to be totally honest.
10:12So, I'm sorry.
10:14What the hell you think you're doing?
10:15Just helping out the UTF, man.
10:17Just helping you, help us, help you.
10:20You know, you talk a pretty tough game, beating up slow walkers.
10:23We'll see how tough you are when some freshie comes after you and tears you up like a spare rib.
10:27Well, what does what?
10:29Fresh zombies.
10:30Right after they get bit, they're like attack dogs.
10:32That's right.
10:33The only reason why this guy's got a job is because the jackass before him wasn't paying attention
10:37and got bit.
10:39Sorry, man.
10:39Real talk.
10:40Yeah.
10:41No, keep that real with me.
10:43Is anybody still confused about what's going on?
10:48Great.
10:49Now back the f*** up.
10:56Slug in a ditch.
10:59You're welcome.
11:00Oh, no worries.
11:01You can say hey to the gay cops when you see them.
11:03They're not gay.
11:05They just look gay.
11:18Nice neighborhood.
11:19Yes, it is.
11:25Good evening.
11:26I'm Officer Dashiell.
11:27Hi.
11:27Thanks for getting here so quickly.
11:29I'm Aaron, by the way.
11:30This is my wife Vanessa.
11:33Yes.
11:33Lovely home you have here.
11:34Thanks.
11:35Yeah, we just moved in.
11:36Sorry about all the boxes all over the place.
11:39Not at all.
11:39What seems to be the problem?
11:40Well, we were just about to go to bed and our dog kind of won't stop barking at the attic
11:44and we think something's up there.
11:46We don't know if it's an animal or a person, but I've been seeing your posters around town
11:50so I thought we should give you a call.
11:52Did the right thing.
11:53Where's the dog now?
11:54Oh, he's in the backyard so he won't bother you.
11:56What kind of dog?
11:57We, interior?
11:58Ah, weedons.
12:00Effective man stoppers.
12:01Sturdy.
12:02Bright.
12:02Good little pooches.
12:05Shall we?
12:07Yes.
12:08Great.
12:08Aaron.
12:09This is my partner, Officer Landry.
12:11Hi.
12:11Pleasure to meet you.
12:12When I say partner, of course I mean that in a professional sense.
12:15It would be inappropriate for me to enjoy a romantic relationship with a female officer
12:18or a male officer for that matter.
12:20Spend so many long hours together, you play games, tell each other secrets, become so familiar
12:25and even addicted to their smell.
12:29Like I said, partners.
12:32Okay.
12:34Let me just get the latch open.
12:41Cover me Landry.
12:42Cover me.
12:55Oh yeah.
12:56I see him.
12:58Got yourself a roof rat.
13:00Huh?
13:00Yep.
13:01A roof rat.
13:02Problem is, that's an animal control issue.
13:05UTF.
13:06A little busy catching actual monsters.
13:09No, I understand.
13:10Yeah, I guess I'll call it animal control.
13:11But couldn't we take care of it anyways?
13:13I mean, it's just a rat, right?
13:19Okie dokie.
13:21Let's do this.
13:24Okay.
13:25Ratty rat rat rat here.
13:27Ratty rat rat rat rat.
13:34You want a fight?
13:35I'll give you a fight.
13:37Landry, let's go!
13:40Well, spit in my salad.
13:43Same goddamn motel.
13:44I can't believe it.
13:46Actually, you know what?
13:47I do believe it.
13:47Cause she's a whore.
13:48Don't say that.
13:49Hey, don't romanticize it, Stu.
13:51She's a whore, and a vampire, and a prostitute.
13:54And that's all she's ever gonna be.
13:55Yeah, well, once upon a time, she wasn't.
13:58Once upon a time, what are we in fairytale land now?
14:00Yes.
14:00You think every homeless guy starts out homeless?
14:03Yes.
14:04No, you don't.
14:05You think everybody in a wheelchair starts out in a wheelchair?
14:08It'd be funny if they did.
14:09No, it wouldn't.
14:09It would be tragic.
14:10It's a lot of things.
14:11It's life.
14:12It's luck.
14:13It's parenting!
14:14Jinx.
14:14I refuse your jinx.
14:16You cannot reject a jinx.
14:17That's the point of a jinx.
14:18There's jinx rules.
14:20We are in the valley.
14:21Are we gonna sit here and solve the whole world's problems,
14:22or are we gonna go bust that vampire whore?
14:24Not yet.
14:25We gotta catch her in the act if we wanna bring her in.
14:28I can catch her in the act.
14:29Don't say it like that.
14:31Magic.
14:37Alright, let's go.
14:38Jesus Christ.
14:42You gotta be kidding me.
14:43Dude, didn't we just tell these kids to leave?
14:45Yeah, I thought so.
14:46You again?
14:47I thought I told you guys to stay out of trouble.
14:49Yeah.
14:56I got her!
14:56I got her!
14:57I got her!
14:57He's under the couch!
14:59Secure the perimeter.
14:59I want every exit sealed off.
15:01You understand me?
15:02Can you do something?
15:03They are the professionals.
15:04What?
15:04Oh, Captain.
15:05If you close it, the blue's gonna...
15:07I got it!
15:07Okay.
15:07Now listen to me.
15:09It's gonna come down to who wants this more.
15:11Do you understand what that means?
15:14No, no, no.
15:15Get it!
15:17Alright!
15:18Come to Papa, you son of a bitch!
15:20The rat is gonna make a break for it.
15:22Get ready to do some shooting!
15:23Come on out, you glorified squirrel!
15:27Come on out, you glorified squirrel!
15:30He won't you tell me that you kill him for the guy, who says that you kill me?
15:34Ah!
15:51Come on out, you glorified squirrel!
16:05Come on, John!
16:06Randy Cages!
16:17Behind you!
16:33You should have listened, kid.
16:36You get bit?
16:37No.
16:38Nice.
16:41Maybe if we pick up the couch...
16:43I can't hear you!
16:44Behind the screen!
16:45Oh, my God!
16:50My nose, Kayla!
16:52Breathe into that!
16:53Okay, let me breathe into that!
16:55Breathe into that!
16:56He's by the window!
17:07I got him!
17:09I got him!
17:10Burn!
17:11Burn!
17:12I got him!
17:16I got him!
17:17Okay, well, I don't think that little fella's going to be bothering anybody any time soon.
17:25Go!
17:26Oh, my God.
17:27He is a big effer.
17:29Is that her pimp?
17:30I mean, it must be.
17:31If it were her John, wouldn't he be having sex with her, right?
17:33Not necessarily.
17:34I mean, he could just be getting a slip-repeat or a Lindsay Lohan...
17:37I don't need the technicalities!
17:38It's really whatever you're into.
17:41Whatever he's into.
17:42Ah, what the hell?
17:43Maybe it is a John.
17:44Or it's her pimp, and he's going to have sex with her anyway?
17:46If I was a pimp, I would totally have sex with my whores.
17:49Ah, Jesus Christ, Billy.
17:51You kiss your mother with that mouth?
17:52I French kiss my mother with this mouth.
17:53You're disgusting.
17:54I'm just kidding.
17:55She's not that hot.
17:56What?
17:56I'm kidding.
17:57She is pretty hot.
17:58I want a new partner.
17:59Let's get back to police protocol.
18:01Ugh, I can't watch this.
18:03That's okay.
18:03I'll describe the good parts for you.
18:05Don't.
18:05Okay, he's on top of her.
18:07Oh, there goes the belt.
18:08Wait a minute.
18:09Oh, it looks like she's into the choking thing.
18:12What?
18:12Sir, is that what he's doing to her?
18:14He's choking her.
18:14Her legs are flailing.
18:16Trust me, she is not into this.
18:18Let's go.
18:30Where'd everybody go?
18:33Think it's a CERTA?
18:40Was she under there?
18:41No.
18:42Figures.
18:51Billy, bathroom.
18:53I just went.
18:56Oh, cover me.
18:58Right.
19:04Ah, jeez.
19:09God damn it.
19:13Freeze!
19:14I see you, Sue.
19:40No luck, man.
19:43Stu, listen.
19:45Sorry about, uh, you know.
19:48Yeah.
19:49Can't save the world, though.
19:51No, you can't.
19:54Listen, don't you have...
19:55Don't your kids have to be up in, like, three hours?
19:58Yeah, I, uh...
20:00Usually I make Lucille lunch.
20:02I love that about you, man.
20:04Well, let's get you some sleep.
20:06So you can make those peanut butter sandwiches.
20:10Almond butter.
20:11What?
20:11One kid in the school is allergic to peanuts,
20:13and nobody can bring peanut butter.
20:14That's bull****.
20:15Yeah, man.
20:16One kid, huh?
20:17One kid.
20:18Where does he live?
20:19Man, nice.
20:20Let's go.
20:28Four bloodmobiles were hijacked
20:30within a ten-mile radius of this station.
20:32Remember when we were talking about
20:33having sex and we were about to die?
20:35Oh, Slander, I have a special assignment for you.
20:37I am very comfortable at this weight.
20:39Amber.
20:40I'm Rico.
20:42Where's the ammo?
20:43The author is buying my bloodmobiles!
20:46Bloodmobiles!
20:47Bloodmobiles!
21:17Bloodmobiles!
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