- 12 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:40Transcription by CastingWords
01:00Anybody else want a Choco Taco?
01:02It's like a taco of ice cream.
01:04It's good.
01:06One year ago, vampires, werewolves, and zombies
01:09descended upon California's San Fernando Valley.
01:12Authorities remain debattled by their origins.
01:14Come on, it's not a sound
01:17But this nasty bitch, it gets so rotten
01:19I think it's time to think it's time to start hitting the ground
01:22Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
01:26We're losing our children's
01:29I think it's getting closer
01:32Because they're coming for us
01:35Anybody know what tonight is?
01:37Do not tell me it is the season finale of Glee.
01:40I f***ing hate that show.
01:42Yes, Carla.
01:43One year anniversary of the first zombie sighting, Captain.
01:47That's exactly right, Carla.
01:48You got a little Captain ass on your nose.
01:49One year ago today, zombies began besmirching our refined community.
01:54That's right, I said...
01:54Sorry, sir.
01:55I'm sorry.
01:56That's right, I said besmirching.
01:59And with the zombies came vampires and werewolves
02:02and my personal promise
02:04that I would not rest
02:06until we had eradicated this problem completely.
02:09Uh, Captain, I thought you said we're supposed to contain the problem.
02:12You tell me, you satisfied containing the problem?
02:15Because if you are, the door is right there.
02:18It says contain right there over your head.
02:23Can I move on, please?
02:25Where is your partner?
02:26Uh, he's in the, uh, can, sir.
02:28He had himself a couple Choco Tacos.
02:30I always tell him he's lactose intolerant,
02:31but he doesn't listen to me about anything.
02:32Fascinating story, Stubek.
02:33Okay, you tell Officer Pierce we are on high alert tonight.
02:36Do you understand me?
02:37We're picking up chatter and the vamps are definitely up to something
02:39and I, for one, am taking no chances.
02:41So, let's be vigilant.
02:43Let's stick together.
02:44And let's make sure these nice people from Channel 5
02:47get home in one piece with their story.
02:51Thank you, Captain.
02:51My name's Rodney.
02:52I've got some tips that'll help you sound better on TV.
02:55Yeah, well, I got a tip for you, too, Rodney.
02:56All right?
02:57A little more than tip, you know what I mean?
02:58I can show a man what it is to be a woman.
03:01Final piece of business.
03:02We got a new addition to our unit.
03:05Officer Landry.
03:06Kristen, stand up, would you?
03:07Hey, everyone.
03:09Now, she is a rookie,
03:11but I'm sure she's no stranger to zombies.
03:13Actually, I've never seen one in person.
03:17That's all right.
03:18Take you about two hours around here to pop your cherry.
03:20Huh?
03:22Speaking metaphorically, of course,
03:24I don't mean to suggest that you are a virgin.
03:27Then again, I don't mean to suggest that you are not a virgin.
03:30Any more questions?
03:32Great.
03:32Let's get out there and kill something.
03:40So, if there's monsters in the valley, why don't people just move out?
03:43Because that's where they live, man.
03:45I live in the valley.
03:46Now, you want to buy me a crib up in Malibu,
03:48overlooking the ocean with a barbecue pit,
03:50then you go right ahead.
03:51I sure as hell won't stop you.
03:53Yeah, you know, I see you could fit in there.
03:55Yeah.
03:56Yeah, I can picture that.
03:57You know?
03:58Yeah, you living in a beach house,
04:00drinking margaritas with Mel Gibson and whoever.
04:03No, not Mel Gibson.
04:15So, what's going on tonight?
04:17We're staking out this motel for vampire prosecution.
04:20Blood for sex is a big problem in the valley.
04:23Not desperate guys.
04:24No cash willing to do whatever it takes to get a little action.
04:28That's right.
04:28Take those off.
04:29It's nighttime.
04:31Whatever, dude.
04:31Come on.
04:36What was I saying?
04:38Zombies.
04:39Vampires.
04:40I don't talk like that.
04:41Whatever.
04:42I don't.
04:45Zombies.
04:47Vampires.
04:48I know a lot of guys have cut, bait, and run, but not me.
04:52You want to know why?
04:53Why?
04:56Is that your family?
04:57Damn right.
04:59I risk it all for them.
05:00I'm proud to.
05:02You want to know why I do it?
05:03Do I have to?
05:04I do it for them.
05:06Nice.
05:06Let me see that.
05:07I said I do this for my family.
05:09I've had this JPEG so long, it's like my family.
05:11Technically, I guess that makes it insane.
05:13Oh, stop it.
05:14Come on.
05:14Grow up.
05:15Stop it.
05:16Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
05:18Here we go.
05:18A fish is taking the bait.
05:20What fish?
05:21A fish is taking...
05:22Jesus Christ, Billy.
05:24A man is going in with a prostitute.
05:25Oh.
05:26Come on.
05:26Let's go.
05:26Let's go.
05:28What are you doing?
05:29I'm going to take some pictures.
05:30Don't stop it.
05:31Put that away.
05:31Come on.
05:32Don't.
05:32All right, let me give him a gun.
05:33Give me a good one.
05:35A little pissed.
05:36Yeah, yeah, right there.
05:38Got it.
05:41All right, everybody.
05:42Hands in the air.
05:46Oh, your hands are really cool.
05:48All right, everybody.
05:49Hands in the air.
05:50That means you vampire tits.
05:52Seriously?
05:53Vampire tits?
05:54Be a professional.
05:55I wasn't doing anything.
05:56Sophia, how many times are we going to do this?
05:58Come on, stupid.
05:59Just leave a working girl alone.
06:01You weren't working.
06:02You were helping this guy for blood.
06:04Am I right?
06:05What are you doing?
06:06Stop talking to them.
06:08I'm sorry.
06:09I don't speak vampire.
06:10It's Spanish, you idiot.
06:12Relax.
06:12Come on, Sophia.
06:13You know the drill.
06:14Hands behind your back.
06:15This isn't what it looks like.
06:16I thought she was just a human prostitute.
06:18I don't know what it looks like.
06:18I don't know if she was a human prostitute.
06:19What are we in a cow pasture?
06:21Because I smell bullsh**.
06:22Go check the back.
06:24I'm going to go check the back.
06:26I just told you to do that.
06:27You're following an order right now.
06:28Hey, if I don't get to have sex,
06:30then can I get my blood back?
06:31Because I'm feeling, like, kind of faint.
06:32Shut up.
06:33Don't kick.
06:34Smells like a cat's balls in here.
06:37Oh.
06:44Oh, my God.
06:45Oh, my God.
06:46Kill her.
06:49Oh, my God.
06:50Oh, my God.
06:51Oh, my God.
06:51Oh, my God.
06:53Oh, my God.
06:54Oh, my God.
06:57Oh, my God.
06:59Oh, my God.
06:59You know the fuck you want.
07:00Oh, my God.
07:01Oh, my God.
07:03Oh, my God.
07:03Oh, my God.
07:03Shut up.
07:04Oh, my God.
07:05Oh, my God.
07:06Oh, my God.
07:07Oh, my God.
07:08Oh, my God.
07:09Oh, my God.
07:16Oh, dude, this is like a $500 booyah.
07:18Come on.
07:25Shut up!
07:32You know what they say about boom poles, don't you?
07:36You never hear them coming.
07:41That was actually a pretty good one.
07:43F and A.
07:45And then you ruin it.
07:58How are you handling everything we threw at you so far?
08:00Well, I've been sitting in my desk for four hours.
08:04I know that.
08:06I've been watching you.
08:08Not continually, of course.
08:09I've been catching up on some paperwork.
08:11That's actually a small fraction of what I do.
08:14I'm out on the beat quite a bit, as it were.
08:16I would love to be out on the beat.
08:18In time, Kristen.
08:20In time.
08:21It's actually, um, it's pronounced Kirsten.
08:25What'd I say?
08:26Kristen.
08:27Say it your way?
08:29Kirsten.
08:30Okay, I'm gonna be honest.
08:31I'm gonna have a little trouble with that.
08:33But anyway, Kirsten, let me explain something to you.
08:37Valley of Los Angeles is a long way away from Kansas.
08:40I'm not from Kansas.
08:41I'm from Carefree, Arizona.
08:42Carefree, Arizona?
08:43Well, we are carefree.
08:45What'd you do in Carefree?
08:47You don't look like a golfer.
08:48Actually, I'm a 14 handicap.
08:50Means nothing to a zombie.
08:51You're gonna kill a zombie with a golf club?
08:53Uh, yeah.
08:54You want to destroy the brain, right?
08:57That's exactly right.
08:58Shoot him through the eyes, run him over with a truck,
09:01crush his head in with a crowbar.
09:03How's a crowbar different than a golf club?
09:06You ever try to get out of the sand with a crowbar?
09:09Well, well, well, if it isn't my favorite prostitute.
09:13I'm kidding, I don't have a favorite prostitute.
09:16Not in this country, anyway.
09:17Caught a friend here draining the red vein, Captain.
09:20Billy almost got his brains bashed in by her pimp,
09:22but we managed to impale the assailant
09:24with a boom pole through the chest.
09:25Kebab the bastard, huh?
09:26That's right.
09:27Where's Billy now?
09:28In the cancer.
09:28Choco taco?
09:29And a slurpee.
09:30That's gonna hurt coming out.
09:31Your partner killed the wrong vampire.
09:34Well, I guess we'll have to live with that then, won't we?
09:36Yeah, we'll see about that.
09:37Ooh, scary.
09:39You enjoy lock-up, Sophia.
09:40I'm going home to my nice warm bed,
09:42which I use for sleeping, not sex.
09:45You want to know why?
09:46I'm a happily married man.
09:51Billy, let's blow this joint.
09:55Billy!
09:59Billy?
10:05Billy?
10:10Billy!
10:12Billy!
10:25Sofía's not talking,
10:26but whoever snatched Billy sent me this video on his phone.
10:29It's giving me the creeps.
10:30Check it out.
10:33Well, that's the naked chicks.
10:36Hang on.
10:37Celebrity nips lips.
10:39Hang on.
10:40Go right down.
10:43Man, Billy's got a lot of porn on this thing.
10:45The inactive glands.
10:48All right, here we go.
10:49Greetings, big.
10:50If you are watching this video...
10:53Are you sure that's Billy?
10:55No, but...
10:56Can't say it's not him, right?
11:01Come to Griffith Park.
11:02Here's the part where they tell me to go to Griffith Park with the body.
11:07Unarmed and alone.
11:08Well, I guess that's what we've got to do, then.
11:10Seriously?
11:12They say what they'd do if you went in there with backup?
11:15Yeah, they'll kill Billy.
11:16Well, there you go, then.
11:18They always say that.
11:19They have to say that.
11:20Well, it doesn't mean they won't do it.
11:22I'm not going without backup.
11:23Don't be such a girl.
11:28Fine, I'll think about it.
11:33How's she working out?
11:34Yeah, you know.
11:36I'm not that impressed.
11:37Yeah.
11:45Yo.
11:46Guess what I rented last night?
11:47Hmm.
11:48Big factory, buddy.
11:50What'd you think?
11:50Yeah.
11:51Not for me.
11:52Unit 23, unit 23 to you.
11:54Copy?
11:55Officer Rinaldi here.
11:56Copy.
11:57We have a report of a 111 in progress of Wigley's Donuts.
12:011327 Chatsworth.
12:02Please report.
12:03Over.
12:04Affirmative.
12:05Officer Johnson and I are en route.
12:06Over.
12:07What's a 111?
12:09Slow walker zombie.
12:11The fresh ones, they move pretty well, but when they've been undead too long, we call that
12:15a 111 out of 111.
12:17Wigley's Donuts.
12:18Now that's what I'm talking about.
12:19You know, I can go for a bear claw right now.
12:21Yo, hit those lights, baby.
12:44You know, you're not helping the cop stereotype with this donut crap.
12:52Who cares?
12:53It's the only stereotype worth living up to.
12:58Hey, check it out, John John.
13:00Big man's still got a donut in his mouth.
13:03That's not a donut.
13:04That's a hand.
13:05What?
13:05A hit?
13:07Oh, I'm sorry.
13:08My bad.
13:09I didn't see it.
13:10Ow!
13:11Jesus!
13:15Jesus, John John!
13:18What?
13:19You want to check the back?
13:20Sound's still speeding.
13:21Shut the f*** up.
13:22Be still.
13:23No, I don't want to check the back.
13:24I want to get a bear claw.
13:25Check the back.
13:27Damn.
13:30Oh.
13:30Oh, we're pulling our gun out now.
13:33I see.
13:33You see how dark it is back there?
13:35Like the goddamn black hole.
13:36Check the back.
13:38Mother f***.
13:45Oh f***.
13:46What happened?
13:50Nothing.
13:51It's nothing.
14:14Anybody here?
14:16Hello?
14:17Cállate.
14:20You surprised me.
14:21I didn't hear you coming.
14:23Be still.
14:25Yeah.
14:26Completely still.
14:33Where's Mateo?
14:35I'm sorry.
14:36I'm lost.
14:37Are we here to exchange the same...
14:39Where's the body?
14:41You don't get Billy
14:43until we get the body.
14:46All right.
14:47Yeah, you could have just asked me.
14:48I did ask you.
14:50Yeah, kind of,
14:51but I don't understand what you're saying, so...
14:53The body!
14:54Yeah.
14:55Absolutely.
14:55The body.
14:57Hang on.
14:59Where's Billy?
15:01You see Billy.
15:03First,
15:04I want to see
15:06Mateo.
15:08Which is...
15:09The body.
15:10Got it.
15:11We're on the same page.
15:13Great.
15:13I'll get him.
15:25Uh,
15:26do you guys want to help me out with this?
15:28I have a lower back thing.
15:29It flares up sometimes.
15:30Okay.
15:32Got it.
15:32There we go.
15:33We got it.
15:33Great.
15:35On your knees.
15:39Pants to your head.
15:53Pants to your head.
15:59Okay.
15:59Where's Billy?
16:01Billy.
16:04You stay still.
16:08Revísalo.
16:36What'd you do to him,
16:37you son of a bitch?
16:38He killed my brother,
16:40cochino.
16:42Bota la cueta.
16:46No.
16:48No.
16:50A mi mi mente.
16:58Matalo!
16:59Stay back!
17:00Stay back!
17:02Stay back!
17:07Come on, buddy.
17:09Let's get out of here.
17:10Lean back.
17:11Lean back.
17:12All right.
17:12Hop.
17:12Hop, hop, hop.
17:13Hop.
17:16Dive!
17:17Dive!
17:17Speed up!
17:21Jesus, dude.
17:22You let one rip in here
17:23before you got out?
17:25Dead vampire, Billy.
17:26Dead vampire.
17:28Dead vampire.
17:29Dead vampire.
17:41Dead vampire.
17:45Dead vampire.
17:46Dead vampire.
17:48Dead vampire.
17:50Dead vampire.
17:52Dead vampire.
17:53Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
18:22All right, God damn it.
18:25acting like a pussy calm down get some balls I mean this night
18:51what are you guys looking at you got bit man means you're done real done
18:59what are you guys talking about I'm your sound guy it's the valley man there's lots of sound guys
19:17we deal with this all the time
19:21sir sir I'm gonna need you to turn the truck off
19:24okay turn into a werewolf tonight I am I what I know how this looks was at the library and
19:32I
19:33you're clearly a werewolf right now you're halfway there your shirts ripped up you got a hairy belly
19:37I was waiting for a computer I could get online well you know the deal is full moon you got
19:41to
19:41lock yourself in all right so turn around we're gonna turn around and cuff him okay he'll sleep
19:45it off it's fine did you see that guy what hey come on get him my partner never knows when
19:53to get
19:53people all right you're free to go he's free to go if they can run like that we let him
20:05go whoo
20:11utf is launching a monster awareness campaign you're like the worst stop ever oh you ready for a little
20:18action tonight for sure dodge up look at me like that our dog kind of won't stop barking at the
20:26attic
20:26it's gonna come down who wants us more do you understand what that means you want to fight
20:30I'll give you a fuck damn it freeze what the hell you think you doing uh we got a big
20:37fat weenie in
20:38the car are you joking take those clothes off and get ready for the ride of your life
20:47who wants to learn how to kill a zombie why do you smell like balls
20:55really is your camera guy seriously zooming into my boobs they're shooting a porn movie in here
21:00this is lawsuit can you imagine what this sex is like do vampires have the power to control zombies
21:07blood for sex trade is worse than ever
21:11vamps they're kind of like the douchebags of the monster community if you will
21:17four blood mobiles were hijacked let's kick some vamp ass kick some vamp ass
21:31oh we got a big fat weenie in the car are you joking
21:37i'm seriously gonna piss my pants off now go out there and find my blood mobile
21:41you're not gonna get your body
21:44oh
21:44oh
21:46oh
21:48oh
21:51oh
21:52oh
21:55oh
21:56oh
22:01oh
22:03oh
22:04oh
22:04oh
22:05oh
22:05oh
22:05oh
22:05oh
22:09oh
22:10oh
22:11Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Comments