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00:00I'm from Iraq.
00:01You're from Iraq?
00:02What's your name?
00:03Tito.
00:04Tito?
00:09Where you from?
00:10Iraq.
00:11What's your name?
00:11Tito.
00:14I have big muscles.
00:15I kill you.
00:18Tito?
00:21Mohammed, change your name.
00:24Find something better.
00:26He is really Mohammed?
00:31How did Mohammed become Tito?
00:35With all those muscles?
00:38How did you pick Tito?
00:39Seriously.
00:40How did you pick Tito?
00:42By accident?
00:44Were you at a gay club?
00:48You look like a Tito.
00:51Oh my goodness, I like Tito.
00:53I take the name.
00:59Indians.
01:00Where are my Indians at?
01:02Oh, nice to see you, buddy.
01:07I like that guy.
01:08What's your name?
01:09Suck dick.
01:10Suck dick?
01:19I appreciate the offer.
01:26Thank you so much for coming tonight.
01:28I'm sure you're very busy all day.
01:37I'm going to talk to you for the rest of the show.
01:41You're in a relationship?
01:45Uh, what's his name?
01:55Oh, you're straight.
01:57Just suck dick.
01:58I get it.
02:03My brother, I love you, man.
02:05From the bottom of my heart, you have a great sense of humor.
02:08But please, change your name.
02:13There's a beautiful Indian name that I can help you with.
02:16It's one of my favorite Indian names.
02:18Eat pussy.
02:20It's a much better name.
02:23Eat pussy.
02:25Eat pussy.
02:28Much better than suck dick.
02:31Only because you're straight.
02:33Now, if you weren't straight, that would have been a perfect name.
02:37Wow, you would have been the luckiest gay guy ever.
02:39Suck dick.
02:40Okay, no problem.
02:44What do you do for a living?
02:46I suck dick.
02:49I'm joking.
02:50That was fucked up.
02:51I would never stop.
02:53Max, stop!
02:55I'm going to stop.
02:57Because, you know, I mean...
03:02I love how you're laughing so hard.
03:04You're amazing, dude.
03:05What's your job?
03:06What do you do?
03:06I'm a sap analyst.
03:07You're a...
03:08Sap analyst.
03:10SAP.
03:10SAP?
03:13Do you know what that is?
03:15He has no idea.
03:17IT?
03:18Are you also Indian?
03:20She translated for me.
03:23Max, I'm in your stupid.
03:25Everybody knows what that is.
03:28I tell you the abbreviation stands for IT.
03:33I appreciate it.
03:34Do you know suck dick?
03:38He's the nicest guy in the world.
03:41In Australia, when you say your name, do people, like, joke with you?
03:47Nobody.
03:48They get scared, huh?
03:49They're like, oh, shit.
03:51Now, Mike.
03:52Now, Mike.
03:55He'd run away.
03:56Ah!
03:58I might go and suck my dick!
04:03All right, we're going to stop here, okay?
04:06Can I be honest?
04:09You have super power with the name suck dick, you know?
04:13To be able to live in a society, English-speaking country, and you're like, no, I'm not going
04:18to change my name.
04:18I am suck dick.
04:21It's a beautiful Indian name.
04:23You don't like it?
04:24Suck my dick.
04:33And I want to say, I swear to God, Indians, not only the nicest people, but they have the
04:38best sense of humor in the motherfucking world, and you're the prime example of it.
04:46What a dude, man.
04:48Ten minutes, we talked about his name, and he didn't even give a shit.
04:55Are you Greek?
04:56Yes.
04:56I want to learn some Greek names.
04:58What's your name?
04:58Mario.
04:59Mario?
05:00Oh, that's Italian.
05:03You guys have very interesting names.
05:05What's your name?
05:06Spiros.
05:07Spiros.
05:07Spiros.
05:08I love that.
05:09Why didn't you get a cool name like Spiros?
05:13Spiros.
05:14Spiros.
05:14Right here.
05:15Right here.
05:16What's your name?
05:16Kyriakos.
05:19No.
05:22Your name is Kyriakos?
05:25It's a Greek name?
05:28Kyriakos?
05:32In my language, this is the worst two names next to each other.
05:40Kyriakos.
05:48Oh, his name is Kyriakos?
05:55Dude, you get this.
05:58Sweet up.
05:59Where are you from?
06:01Greek?
06:02How do you say dick in Greek?
06:07Pans.
06:08Why did you change your mind halfway through?
06:11You said something, you go,
06:13No, I changed my name.
06:15No.
06:16A lot of words.
06:18What's the worst?
06:20Because this is the worst for us.
06:25Hold on.
06:26I don't understand.
06:26What is it?
06:27Putos.
06:28Putos?
06:31Putos.
06:32And then what's the opposite, the worst?
06:35Uni.
06:38Uni.
06:40Uni.
06:41When you say it, do you have to do this?
06:45Yeah?
06:45You say,
06:46Moony.
06:50Putos.
06:53Moony.
06:54Putos.
06:56This guy, this guy does sign language at the same time.
07:01So the Prime Minister's name is Putos Moony.
07:06You get it?
07:12You come to Iran, and you go, who's the Prime Minister?
07:15You go, Putos Moony.
07:17Putos Moony.
07:22What's that?
07:23From Iceland.
07:24You came from Iceland?
07:25Ask her name?
07:27Sure.
07:27What's your name?
07:28Putos Moony.
07:33Say it again.
07:35When's the leader?
07:40When's the leader?
07:41When's the leader?
07:41Go again.
07:42When's the leader?
07:43Oh my God.
07:44When's the leader?
07:46When's the leader?
07:46No, I was wrong again?
07:48That's a really beautiful name.
07:52That's really your name?
07:54You were born with that name?
07:57Can I ask you an honest question?
07:59Your mom and dad, they have speech impairment?
08:02So when you're born, the nurse is like, what should we name the baby?
08:07One second.
08:11Excuse me, what is it?
08:12One second.
08:16Okay, we got it.
08:22The nurse walks away with it.
08:25And no one can ever say her name, ever.
08:29Even the parents.
08:30They have a paper next to them all the time.
08:33Jennifer.
08:35Linda.
08:42You're so cute.
08:46That's why you have a nickname, which is...
08:48Fru, fru, fru.
08:52What is it?
08:54T-ri.
09:00Yo, the nickname is harder than the name.
09:06She goes, no.
09:09Well, you're so beautiful.
09:10From Iceland, yeah?
09:12Yeah, it must have been cold the day you were born.
09:14That's why your parents were stuttering that day.
09:27You guys like it?
09:29Like...
09:32It's like, you cannot say her name without spitting out...
09:41How romantic is it for the husband?
09:43I love you.
09:45Fru, fru.
09:48Give me a kiss.
09:50Fru, fru.
09:51Fru, fru.
09:53She's standing there like...
09:57I love you too.
10:01Oh, that's so good.
10:03Husband, what's your name?
10:05You don't have a husband?
10:06Well, if you change your name, you find love.
10:14Really, I'm so glad you guys came.
10:15What's your name?
10:16James.
10:17James?
10:18Very Chinese.
10:21What about you, honey?
10:22Sonia.
10:23Sonia?
10:23You guys have the easiest Chinese names I've ever heard in my life.
10:27James and Sonia.
10:28Sonia.
10:28It's not your real name?
10:30What is your real name?
10:31Moochow.
10:32Moochow.
10:33I like Moochow.
10:35Moochow sounds very cool, man.
10:37And it's easy.
10:39And James, what's your real name?
10:41How?
10:41How?
10:42F***ing easy.
10:45But very confusing, right?
10:47Hi, I'm Max.
10:49How?
10:53How, my name is Max?
10:55Well, my parents named me Max.
10:57How?
10:58How?
10:59How?
11:01That's why he changed his name.
11:02Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:04I love that.
11:05I love your name.
11:06How?
11:06Sir, you got the job.
11:07How?
11:10Are you not sure that you're good at this job?
11:13How?
11:15I love you two.
11:16I'm so happy you're here, yeah?
11:18And I love you more, honey.
11:20I'm very happy that I have more and more Chinese fans, you know?
11:23It's great.
11:24I love the Chinese culture.
11:25Yeah?
11:26How?
11:27How?
11:27I explain.
11:29I love fortune cookies.
11:31And I crack it.
11:32It's just a sound.
11:33And you just pull that thing out.
11:35And it says something so positive, so beautiful.
11:38Your dick will grow longer.
11:44Drink more green tea.
11:47That's so wonderful.
11:48How long have you been living in Austin?
11:5026 years.
11:5226 years?
11:53You're kidding me.
11:54How?
11:57No, no, I'm not saying how.
11:58I'm saying 26 years.
11:59How?
12:01Wow.
12:02How?
12:03That's wonderful.
12:04And what do you do here now?
12:05I'm a physician.
12:06You're a physician.
12:12Chinese don't age.
12:14He looks 22 years old.
12:17Wow.
12:17Okay, good for you.
12:18What kind of physician?
12:20Family doctor.
12:21Smart business, right?
12:22You meet a family.
12:23You go, I kill all of you.
12:27How?
12:29Let's go.
12:30I show you.
12:34What's your name, sir?
12:36Thaddeus.
12:37Darius?
12:38Thaddeus.
12:40Thaddeus.
12:41Thaddeus.
12:44Thaddeus.
12:45Thaddeus.
12:45Thaddeus.
12:46Thaddeus.
12:46Thaddeus?
12:47Thaddeus.
12:47Okay, and where are you from?
12:49Virginia.
12:50Virginia.
12:51I've never heard a name.
12:54Thaddeus.
12:54It's a Greek god.
12:56Oh, really?
12:56It's a Greek god?
12:58Did she tell?
12:58Look at me.
13:00You look like a Greek god.
13:02And are you Greek?
13:04No.
13:08You're so white, you're like, I need something interesting.
13:12I need to change my name to Various.
13:15I like it.
13:16That's your lady with you?
13:18Various.
13:18Nice to meet you, darling.
13:19What's your name?
13:20Stacy.
13:21Stacy?
13:22Oh, you're so beautiful.
13:23Thanks for coming.
13:25Do you guys work for Ice?
13:33I should ask.
13:36It's a safety move.
13:40It's very rare.
13:41I have two super white, white, extra white, transparent white, various type of white.
13:50I'm very happy you're here, even if you kick us all out of the country.
13:59What?
14:04My name is Payam, but I go by Payam.
14:10Payam.
14:15Payam.
14:17In the Iranian culture, it's a guy's name.
14:19ачえ10
14:21It's a little girl問題 one Peggy.
14:22When she was born, they thought she has a...
14:29When she was born, her arm was between her legs.���
14:35to be here Like,
14:35it's a boy. It's
14:36a boy. It's
14:37a big boy. Look how
14:40big this boy is. Oh my
14:42God. Payam.
14:44Payam.
14:45in culture means message like he's coming out with a big message
14:52and then they're like no it's her arm oh shit we named her payom already okay how about pam go
15:00by
15:00pam this guy fun look how fun this guy is with his gym outfits buddy you're so tall
15:10six four or something huh how tall are you six four exactly what's your name raw mac
15:24his name is raw mac
15:28for my non let me let me explain for my non-persians in the iranian culture
15:34raw mac is a girl's name
15:43he was born
15:46nothing was there
15:50they're like oh my god it's a girl
15:53raw mac it is
15:57two weeks later something poked out
16:06they're like oh my god something is happening oh my god raw mac is a guy
16:16i've never met a raw mac this big in my life
16:21what's your name raw mac
16:26what's your name
16:29aspen
16:34not aspen
16:37i want to get your name right say it one more time
16:39elspeth elspeth elspeth elspeth elspeth okay i did good elspeth yeah okay
16:47let's get to know a few more norwegians sir what's your name
16:50andres andres andres very easy even easier than else
16:56andres body what's your name
16:58stick
16:59stick
17:01are you sure why did it end
17:07there's no ending to the name
17:10they just left it halfway
17:15ask your parents
17:18they might have forgotten to finish it on paper yeah
17:22like it should be an ending to it no
17:28happy you came to my show
17:29what's your last name
17:33dickinson
17:35let me tell you a story real quick dickinson
17:38i did have a friend at age seven yeah age seven i brought one of my friends home
17:44when you're a young persian kid you live in america you bring your friends home
17:47it's very scary because your white friends need to be already educated before they meet your parents
17:54yeah i'm seven eight years old i was very young i'm bringing my friend home and i said hey bro
18:00when you come in when you see my parents just if they said anything just pretend it's cool okay
18:04don't be scared they're really nice people but sometimes they come off scary but they're really
18:08nice people okay it's like all right it's okay so the kid walks into my house my dad who is
18:14this
18:16who are you who is your family what does your father do
18:21where do you come from it's so intense
18:25then he goes my name is dick
18:27dick
18:27oh my god
18:31your parents call you dick
18:34dick
18:35honey they call him dick
18:39how does your mother call you dick come in dick go out
18:44and then he got mad get this dick out of my house get this dick out of my house
18:52and i was a kid i'm like dad relax i like dick
18:59that's the last day i saw dick dickinson
19:07buddy what kind of piss you had to take in the middle of the most important part of the
19:10street you got up
19:12there was a make-out scene and you're like i don't care i'm going to peace
19:17you missed the most epic part of the show
19:20isn't that much of an emergency bro
19:23you're a big guy too you got up the whole theater emptied
19:28what's your name
19:30jihad
19:31oh buddy take it easy
19:34thank you so much
19:37you can leave anytime you like
19:40you want to make peace with you
19:43my name is allah akbar
19:46take it easy okay
19:49why why did you even show up tonight
19:52you're scaring everybody
19:56you kept your name
19:58wow
19:59how do you live in canada
20:03who gives a job to this guy
20:04hi what's your name jihad
20:07can you imagine this guy working customer service
20:09hello thank you for calling tim morden
20:10this is jihad speaking
20:14is that your real birth name
20:18no
20:21his name was like majid he's like not good enough
20:24he's going around like my name is majid ken
20:26he's like oh nice to meet you
20:27oh it doesn't scare them
20:30i'm going to change it to jihad
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